#and my mom is pretty useless
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I think one of my biggest fantasies in life is being able to live somewhere/with someone that I can come and go as I please. Have my own car, not have to rely on other people or explain why I can’t be home of take care of people/the dog/etc. at all time. People think I’m greedy for wanting a well-paying job but having to take care of people you’re dependant on is really shitty and money would 100% solve this problem.
#such is life#I look forward to finally getting my drivers lisence#my mom only let me practice because I convinced her it benefits her#I have a grad student scholarship that's ending and no idea where more money is coming from#I mean I am ta-ing but I'm not earning enough to pay rent somewhere#and I have a dog to take care of#I love daisy but she's a lot of work#and my mom is pretty useless#so she needs me to do nearly 100% of the work#I'm 30 why is it so hard to leave#I have no external support#why can't one person in my actual life see that my home life is shitty and help me get independence rather than just make fun of me#I'm tired of being a caregiver to someone who should have raised me#I never got to be a teenager so I don't know how to have fun so I have to pretend or people don't like me#if I've learned anything it's that all love is conditional#if you think otherwise you just don't know what the conditions are#sorry for ranting I just don't have another place I can be honest about stuff#this is a roundabout argument for ubi I guess?#having the means for financial independence and a social safety net should be someone everyone has#I know a lot of people have it much worse too#I guess this is why I need to find a good partner and create a version of myself that is appealing to them#I would kill to be loved for who I am when I'm not making myself into things but I also gotta live#and these things don't go together
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I'm not doing great chat
#🌕.gwynn#I pretty much need to focus entirely on sims because if i think too much I'll just remember the shit my mom said#so I'm pretty much useless today
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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Yay I’m home from the family vacation.
#I feel like every trip ends on a bad note bc of my mom#she’s like too high strung or something#she worries too much and tries to control everything#but has such a negative energy about it#like treating everyone like they’re useless and can’t do anything#like I can be pretty anxious but it’s probably super rare that makes mean to others#she gets mean and snappy#if she needs something from someone she’ll loke pause and say please at the end like she forgot#but still sounds like a ‘hurry up’#like at the car rental and some servers and things not just us#personal
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Me and @plxtypusbearr73 need to start a mommy issues club
Seems like every thing I do is just bad or wrong no matter if I fucking fix it or not.
#vent ig#Idk what I do my mom always just gets mad#Shes not wrong tho#I am pretty dumb and useless imao
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*gets good money from the show*
*immediately spends half of it on ‘useless’ things*
#finding bullets was the highlight of my day#I’m pretty sure I have every major mcr studio album now#to me they’re not useless but that’s what mom calls all of my purchases#that are not related to drag#but the guy who organized all this told me to use half of it#on stuff to treat myself for a show stopping performance#and save the other half for drag clothes#he told me that I deserved to spoil myself especially after how massive of#a moment this was in my career#so suck it mom
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I’m sorry, but can the government please explain where the fuck it was needed to make SAT papers more stressful then they already are for Year Six students via adding GCSE LEVEL questions of all things??? Because if anyone thinks its okay that the papers with the GCSE questions actually reduced ten-eleven year olds to tears cause of how hard they were, holy shit-
#no joke i was about to go '....they introduced sats for year fucking six???'#but mom says i took them so like#imma assume my brain blocked out the sats cause of how bad they were#like they pretty fucking useless and just there to stress out kids and teachers alike#as sure they'll say it identifies strengths and weaknesses as the kids move up to secondary school#but apparently secondary schools dont even do much with the results anyway#so like there's no fucking point#adding gcse questions now is just beyond fucking cruel#we didn't fully do gcse prep at my secondary until year 10 for a reason
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Y'know I didn't think I would but I finally gave her a body and touched up her hair a little more and finally got around to coloring a limb on her and doing her bow I think she still looks very beautiful I am kinda just making this all up as I go I actually kinda wonder what she'll look like when I finally finish her she's taken longer then I originally thought she would honestly but I've had fun she's just so pretty istg man
#ibispaint drawing#drawing#what am i supposed to tag this as#art#artists on tumblr#digital art#digital drawing#unfinished art#unfinished#she looks so pretty#lol i like useless tags#Happy Almost Thanksgiving!#i like adding random tags#i like this#i love drawing#artwork#my artwork#my post#look mom! another silly tag!
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It fucking sucks how many things are dependent on having money.
#like living and general happiness#like we’re constantly stressed about not having enough#we’ve never been like comfortable#I’ve always associated money with stress#like if we weren’t constantly stressing about whether or not we have enough money to pay our bills/care/basic necessities we’d be a lot less#stressed out and probably a lot happier#‘money can’t buy happiness’ but it can buy financial security and comfort#like having to wait to bring the pets to the vet another month because of money#and we’re both so frugal in our spending we have the lowest packages for like tv#but it’s just never enough#and we’re never going to be comfortable unless we win the lottery or something#like the wage my mom makes isn’t livable#and I can’t find a job because my degree is pretty much useless and isn’t practical#and even if I found a job I wouldn’t have anyway to get there because we don’t have money for another car
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i once read a post talking about how frustrating it can be to be autistic or otherwise socially "deficient" in a work environment bc you're perfectly capable of doing your job but bc you don't know how to play the social game or be the office butterfly, you get looked over or even punished compared to coworkers that are objectively incompetent but they're personable so they're favored and praised and i think about it almost every day of my life
#negative#literally about to rip my hair out today#extra sucks bc my mom is my boss so <3333 i get to live AND work with my personal hell#she literally doesn't understand how the product works BY HER OWN ADMISSION#but bc she's flirty and sociable and pretty and personable people adore her#i'm literally writing all the doc for this product now including marketing materials outside my job description!!!!!#but hey she'll talk about tr*nsphobia and how useless young people like me are with her fellow boomers so ;))))#she gets the instant replies and positive feedback and answered questions#meanwhile even when i'm being as polite and sweet as possible i get radio silence#i'm just#i'm so tired of being worthless and deficient and broken sorry i'm not an ass kissing social butterfly!!!!!!!#i can do my job and i can do it WELL why can that not be enough
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im finally going to replay y0...
#it's been a little over 2 years#and ive never replayed any of the games before so im very interested in what this is gonna be like#i just played them slowly and in order + lad ishin at the end#i kinda wanted to do the judgments first but uh. they're never on sale <3#someday though#ugh im nervous though#not about this but like. ok real ones will remember that a couple of months ago i mentioned i finally asked my mom for like. mental health#assistance that wasnt her telling me to stop spiralling. the two appointments we could do were like. next week or october#i technically have enough time to get my shit together but ive also like. never talked to an actual doctor about this stuff before#and she kept asking me if i could be more specific than 'general longterm mental health issues' (and anxiety which she added)#but like. i dont wanna tell her Shit about that yknow#especially not like. just woken up at 2pm no preparation#also she added anxiety on her own. so you KNEW it was an issue and you didn't fucking do anything about it? at all??#truthfully i don't think it's nearly as big of an issue as before. i get stressed about stuff sure but it's pretty circumstantial#like these days i dont have anxiety about much of anything because im not trying to decide my entire future between 8 hour days in the#bright lights and eye contact factory#girl you don't have any idea what we're getting into by doing this#anyway if i get an ocd diagnosis that'll be the most awkward because that's the only one they actively joke about and that i've butted head#with them on. (i mean theyre also shit to npd/aspd ppl i just haven't chewed them out for it yet bc every time i do that i end up useless#for the rest of the day at least and i gotta pick my battles)#and idek what i wanna do about the Probably Autism going on man. i've been thinking about doing foster care/adoption for years now#when im older/if im ever financially stable. a diagnosis could basically nuke my options for that#but they'd NEVER believe a self diagnosis#whatever FUCK JT ITS YAKUZING TIME!!!!!!!!!#OH AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME DOING ONE ON LEGEND#which im nervous about bc i never really play stuff on anything but normal#so uh. 😬😬
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my dad is objectively really funny because he, like, LARPs as a domestic man teaching us the cold hard lessons of adulthood but like... i genuinely do not think this man knows how to change a diaper nor do i think he knows how to cook any better than i do so like what’s going on here 💀
#nightmare.personal#mans is telling us about putting the dishes away and im like dude do you even know what my first words were 😭 WHO PLAYS HERRRR#my dad's not useless and he's admitted he's not very paternal but it's still a little funny to me like#tbf though i'm pretty sure most dads are like this#or even moms like. i operate off the assumption that it's usually one parent doing everything
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YOUR WAITRESS IDEA IS SO SMART where you get them to spill something on you omg UR MINDDD
HAHA THANKS sometimes i can come up with good stuff after i get over the initial shock of 'omfg omfg what do i do'
like yeah it would still be pretty humiliating to approach a random waitress like that but. compared to the other options?? seems like one of the better paths to take imo unless you really genuinely feel comfortable enough to tell your date about it or can come up with something else depending on your surroundings
i mean i know if i was a waitress or w/e and somebody asked me for help like that i would def be like "okay gurl i gotchu" and we'd make it the most convincing scene ever because i know how bad stuff like that sucks
#letters.#moot: cora#i think i get a little bit of this from my grandma#she's really good at helping people in a pinch when stuff happens#like she doesn't judge and is good at talking to people and easing them#my mom can be pretty clever too she's just slightly more awkward/reserved lol#a lot of the women in my family can get shit done when necessary. because the men have been lowkey dumb/useless as hell most of the time#so we gotta figure it out ourselves
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yesterday we got the news that a cousin of mine is pregnant...... this is like. terrible news i feel like i just aged 10 years all of a sudden
#z xarre#granted that shes at least 10-15 yrs older than i am#but like. its MY generation that is now getting pregnant. thats crazy bro😭#soon my parents will start wondering OUT LOUD why i dont have a boyfriend.#actually lmao no they wont im pretty sure my mom already suspects im a lesbian#the other day they did tell me they asked an ex-classmate of mine if he had any friends he could introduce me to#(the convo made sense in context). but anywaaayyysss. lichrally so scary. this cousin is like. younger than my sibling (who does have a kid#but i still considered them YOUNG enough to not get pregnant. i say they bc i include her and her older sister#their younger brother is turning 30 tho........ thats ALSO scary. bc i considered him my older cousin that was still like. close to my age#like he used to mess w me when we were at our 'grandmas' (not rly) house bc we were closer in age. we went to the same school#(different grades tho obviously) for a while. n now. theyre all in their 30s?????#on my moms side. the other day my oldest cousin showed me her apt she bought AND REMODELED w her partner???#my second oldest cousin is getting a masters. my other cousin is working on some computer shit and has a master's. i feel useless as hell#and also when did we grow up so fast???? i still feel like im stuck at 20 yrs old. but im about to turn 24. i feel like im wasting my 20s.#like so badly. i dont do shit AT ALL ive stayed at the same place for almost 6 yrs and its gonna be at least one more yr as well like.#i havent worked (literally one week of my entire life). i dont have a drivers license. im barely scraping thru my bachelor's.#at this rate i wont even be able to get a masters.#and then youve got my cousins HAVING KIDS AND BUYING APARTMENTS?????????????
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just askin, hypothetically, what if i did make an alternate au + animatic of mizu 6 being angst and ena 5 not happening the same way.....
#akiyama mizuki#aka i love the song loose the princess with mizuki#the events would sorta go as follows#we see mizuki in a daze#staying at home and just. handling it. idk its a blur for her and its just. it gets to a point where even dressing in her old older sisters#frilly nightgown and talking to rui dosent help. thats when she desided to go on a 'walk'#hugging her mom and telling her smth like 'see you later' as she walks out(in the nightgown and her cardigan)#and finds a place that isnt crouded for being the middle of the day. she then enters the sekai and well#trys to hang herself. it works for a minute til len walks in(hes gonna be main vocaloid for event insted of meiko cause yeah)#in which case he panics#calling the others to try and get her down. but in mizuki realising this she ends the song and exits the sekai#her plan to dissapear quietly failed. and the news of what happened probably going to the others fast. she desided to visit#her schools rooftop one last time. (yes this is like. at least 5 refrences at ones happening and im not sorry)#as she stands up there. having climbed her way to the other side of the fence(#theres like the area yknow idk-) ena finds out when leaving her classed that someone saw mizuki in the halls#she rushes trying to find her before finding her on the roof(its mirroring so many scenes in my head)#they end up talking but its useless. ena breaks through the fence door as mizuki takes a step back. falling from the roof#and the last thing showed in that story is mizuki falling down as flowers bloom behind her#then theres a inpact sound. sirens and screams#now heres where im not fully sure what wanna have happen next but have ideas#ena could mabey jump down with mizuki. with her not wanting to leave her behind#or she could not. and watch as mizuki falls. i can also have it be an actual death/deaths but......#rui was working late at the gardening committee. about to head off with robo nene to work on more projects as he notices a pink figure very#close to falling. then the figure steps off. in which then he panics a little and rushes with robo nene to deploy the saftey pad he built in#her(aka he so would and plot convince. more convenient stuff has happened in pjsk let me have this)#ena 5 can then start right after with her waking up to then be berated by her father and akito for jummping off the school roof#but yeah!!!! ehe this is my silly au thats still pretty much in my head#as you can see i suck at writing and really just wanna put mizuki in a pretty frilly dress
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so to do my testing i need a state id but to get my state id i need a social security card bc i lost mine so im waiting up to 15-20 days for social security to send me a verification number in the mail so that i can apply for a new social security card and then ill have to wait for that to get to me and then i can go get my ky id and hopefully not get in trouble for taking so long to get my id changed and THEN i can schedule my ged classes. and by then ill probably have finished my math and science ged readys which is good and ummm i think thats all. itll prolly be a permit rather than a state id so i can work on learning to drive since we have a nice Not horrible car . and then ill know how to drive which will be helpful to me even if it takes me a while to actually own a car... but itd be helpful to Be able to drive yk. even if i am quite late... and once i get all of that done then thats like finally finished and then i can get a job again and start saving up money for when i am ready to move out...
#and once i am Making money again ill feel better going to the dr for all of my stuff bc my mom says itd be covered by insurance but im#rly rly paranoid abt there being copays or something yk . so id like to Have money jic since i currently have. 3 dollars at all#but yes. and im rly lucky im able to live with my family bc like. they wont Make me pay rent they might ask for help which ill gladly do bc#1. yk and 2. i have been living here free of charge for almost a year 3. even all that aside i want the kids to be able to keep living here#and also be able to eat so idm helping with groceries and the mortgage or whathave you... and itll all be cheaper than paying rent at my#own place anyways so i can build up a good net AND ill have money to start donating again bc i hate not being able to donate it makes me#feel so useless. that was the best part of living in wa was that i Had money to be spending and donating was one of the like. bc i have a#lot of hangups abt money so pretty much spending any money made me feel sick and i had to punish myself for it BUT donating bypassed that.#not that the benefit of donating is that i can spend money without feeling bad but it is something i Want to do because i want to be able t#help however i can . obviously. i am rambling now but basically yes im excited to have a job again#idt ill have money to get people gifts this year for xmas Which sucks but hoooooooopefully i will have a job by february.......... dependin#wewill see how it all works out. im hoping february bc thats the start of the 1st wave of bdays. well . technically january is but thats My#bday so it doesnt count.... bc tag feb father mar weeman may. and then lamp sep and mother oct and i couldnt get either of them gifts and#Yeah i feel evil#BUT!!!! next year i will be able to afford everything all of it ill have money and a job and i can get ppl gifts i love buying ppl gifts#even tho im bad at it i fear. bc i dont have much experience last year was the first year i got to buy xmas gifts for everybody... and bday#for some even :] but ya. ive loved buying gifts since 8th grade which was the first time i was able to buy gifts for my friends bc my dad#gave me his credit card for the dc trip. bc we were on kiiiiind of difficult terms in 2018 LOLLL. so he was doing pretty much anything to#get me to talk to him again the perks of having to go to court against your parent. and also girl that restraining order was meaningless bu#whatever i cant think abt it or ill get kinda mad so were moving on Oh im cramping that sucks okayyyyy. anyways. YES so thats your connor u#date i think these tags are gonna get cutoff in a major way. wait nvm i only had like 22... ok well ending it here goodbye my diary
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