#as you can see i suck at writing and really just wanna put mizuki in a pretty frilly dress

[tittysuckersworld]

just askin, hypothetically, what if i did make an alternate au + animatic of mizu 6 being angst and ena 5 not happening the same way.....

[cyhyr]

Whumpmas in July: Mistake

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: E

Pairing: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka

WC: ~2910

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Notes: Oral sex, Dissociation, Triggers, Hair-pulling, Aftercare, Vomiting, Past Abuse, Past Mizuki/Iruka, flashbacks, Self-Esteem Issues

A/N: I'm. Not comfortable in my ability to write smut. And so we throw in whump to cover up the fact that I don't know how to write smut.

A sequel to "Sleep"

For @whumpmasinjuly prompt list

Read On The Archive

~

When Iruka gets stressed, he cleans. Obsessively. The day after his and Kakashi’s failed first time together, Iruka scrubbed the grout in his bathroom for hours before realizing that maybe it was gray on purpose, to accent the white tile. He couldn’t find it in himself to feel stupid; his bathroom was clean and he was no longer stressed about what he’d done—or, as the case was, not done.

Today, he preemptively organizes and dusts the bookshelves. Do they need it? Not particularly; he’d dusted the whole apartment top-to-bottom three weeks ago when he’d said something dumb at one of his and Kakashi’s dates. He doesn’t remember what it was he’d said but it was… urgh.

He’s going to see Kakashi again tonight. He is excited. They’ll have dinner, then go for a walk, and then Kakashi will walk him home. That’s when Iruka will ask him to come inside and he will get over himself and finally sleep with his boyfriend.

But if he thinks about it too much his chest starts to ache. Therefore: dusting and organizing. He can’t think about Kakashi’s dick when he’s trying to sort out his fūinjutsu scrolls from his teaching references. He can’t think about how much he wants to do literally anything else besides getting naked with Kakashi. He can’t think about… about how, in the wrong lighting, Kakashi and Mizuki look similar enough that—

Iruka drops his dusting cloth and runs to the toilet.

~

The date goes well, their walk through Konoha is relaxing and perfect, and like always, Kakashi asks if he can walk Iruka home.

“Of course,” he says. He leans into Kakashi and relishes the arm around his shoulders. His own arm is loose around Kakashi’s waist. They’re not far from Iruka’s apartment, so they take their time and stroll slowly, silently.

It’s nice.

(It’d be nicer if everyone would stop staring at Iruka like he’s the shit on the bottom of Kakashi’s sandal. He knows Kakashi can do so much better, but could the village curb their disgust just a little so he can enjoy the time Kakashi deigns to give him?)

They stop outside Iruka’s door and Kakashi politely steps back while he works the wards. He keeps a hand on the small of his back, but his body is turned away to face the village. Iruka appreciates the gesture, even though he’s vaguely sure that Kakashi could break through his wards if he really wanted to.

“I’ll see you later, then?” Kakashi asks after the door swings open.

“Or,” Iruka loops his fingers in Kakashi’s vest and tugs gently. Kakashi comes closer like it was his own idea, his arms slipping all the way around Iruka. “You could come inside,” Iruka murmurs against Kakashi’s mask, letting the double entendre hover between them.

Kakashi walks him into the apartment and closes the door behind them. He crowds Iruka back against the door. “Get your wards back up,” he growls, pulling his mask down and kissing Iruka’s neck while his fingers unbutton the civvie shirt Iruka had chosen to wear for their date.

Oh, but pulling his hands away from Kakashi’s body, even long enough just to put the wards back in place, is hell. He places his palms on the door behind him and shivers while Kakashi touches him and moves from his neck to his jaw and back to his ear. Iruka finishes the wards at the same time as Kakashi slips free the last button on his shirt and pushes it aside.

Iruka fumbles with Kakashi’s vest zipper while they slide Iruka’s shirt off his shoulders. Kakashi’s thigh gets in-between his legs and presses up and Iruka dies a little, moans and closes his eyes. Iruka’s shirt goes… somewhere, along with Kakashi’s vest, and then his uniform shirt.

They’d gotten further before; not too much further. Iruka pulls Kakashi out of the genkan and together, they stumble through the living room and down the hall to his bedroom. Along the way they lose his belt and Kakashi’s trousers, and they have to stop in the same place they had last week so Iruka can shove his palms in Kakashi’s underwear and grope him mercilessly.

It’s here, mere paces from his bed, with Kakashi’s cock in one hand and the firm flesh of his ass in the other, that Iruka quiets the panic and ache in his chest, and mutters, “I’d really like to find out how you taste.”

The look Kakashi gives him is almost enough to drop him to his knees right there. Kakashi takes his hands and pulls them away from his body, and then drags Iruka the rest of the way to the bedroom. Iruka can’t help but giggle at his enthusiasm, and smiles into the kisses Kakashi draws him into once they’re in sight of the bed.

He pushes Kakashi to sit down. Kakashi’s mouth drifts down his body to his chest, his arms wrapping around him to hold him close. Iruka pets silver hair while Kakashi licks and nips at him, groans when he sucks one of Iruka’s nipples into his mouth and tongues at it. Kakashi slips a hand down the back of Iruka’s trousers, palming his ass and groaning against his chest. Iruka gasps, swallows the newly rising panic, and pulls away just enough to place his hand along Kakashi’s cheek and jaw, to thumb at his lips.

Kakashi nips him. Iruka breathes and grins.

He goes down slowly, willfully the opposite of how Mizuki always wanted. Mizuki had always wanted to hear Iruka’s knees hit the floor; it made him feel powerful or something, Iruka isn’t sure anymore. But he knows he has to do this differently than he used to, or he isn’t going to make it through without panicking. So he relaxes between Kakashi’s legs, braces his hands on the mattress on either side of his hips, and glances up to catch Kakashi’s eye as he leans in and noses Kakashi’s erection through his boxers.

“Iruka—” he chokes. His lips part and his chest heaves. He keeps his arms locked behind him, propping himself upright.

So far, different reactions than he’d ever gotten with Mizuki. Good. Iruka is going to need to latch onto that, should his head start going fuzzy.

Iruka breathes in Kakashi, bitter and dark and unfortunately so much like Mizuki. He’ll get past it. He tips his head and mouths at pale inner thighs, delights at the gasping sigh he gets in return, then looks back up and projects his movements enough to let Kakashi know; he pulls on the waistband of his boxers and Kakashi helpfully lifts his hips so they can pull them off. Iruka lets them pool around his ankles because holy shit he’s got better things to do.

Like—

He takes the tip in his mouth and they moan in harmony. Bitter arousal settles on his tongue and clings to his lips as he slides down KAkashi’s thick cock, and oh gods it hits his throat too soon. He whimpers, pulls back, tries again; he gets Kakashi to slide down his throat a little bit that time.

Like—

Iruka touches Kakashi’s thighs, drifts his fingertips over the thin skin of his hips, cups and fondles his balls. He closes his eyes and his stomach clenches and his pants are tight. He’s turning himself on by touching Kakashi and it’s a rush he hasn’t felt in so long. Since before he and Mizuki attained chūnin, when they were still too young. When he could still reasonably delude himself into thinking that Mizuki loved him.

Like—

“Oh gods, oh fuck, Iruka, please please please let me touch you too, you have no idea how beautiful you are right now, so perfect, so—shit, so hot, please Iruka I wanna touch you please.”

~

So he does something stupid.

Something catastrophically stupid.

But gods, Kakashi’s cock was in his mouth and he was so turned on for the first time in-in years.

And he acts on instinct.

~

Kakashi is trying. So… hard. Not to explode. But Iruka is between his legs, licking and sucking at his cock and touching him so gently. So gently it fucking hurts and it hurts so good. So he babbles.

He’s not proud of it. But he gets turned on, and his mouth starts running. There’s a reason he doesn’t do honeypot missions. He did one and nearly got himself and his contact killed.

Then Iruka takes his hands and places them on his head, looks up at him with a mouthful of cock and fucking hums, and Kakashi shivers and threads his fingers through beautiful brown locks. Iruka goes back to touching him and Kakashi relishes the texture of soft hair under his palms.

Iruka’s mouth is a warm vice around his cock. He gently urges Iruka’s head further down until he’s comfortably down Iruka’s throat, feeling Iruka relax around him and whimper and groan. His lips are stretched obscenely around Kakashi’s cock; he drops one hand away from Iruka’s hair to thumb at his lips. He’s drooling a bit. Kakashi wipes it away.

“So good, Iruka,” he mutters. Iruka whines below him—he tightens his hand in his hair. “Gods, look at you, so perfect, taking me so well. No gag reflex—if you wanted, I could fuck your throat all night, couldn’t I?”

Iruka sucks his cock tighter. Kakashi gasps.

“Close,” he grunts. “Can I—oh fuck—can I come in your mouth? It’s okay if not, I get most people don’t like it but please you’re so good I don’t want to pull out.”

He doesn’t back off. He doesn’t stop. His tongue moves more if it’s possible. Kakashi shuts his eye.

“Iruka, please, I really need you to—ahh. Yes or no. Can I—shit shit fuck oh gods Iruka—!”

Then he has both hands in Iruka’s hair and his cock pulsing down Iruka’s throat and he’s in heaven for a spectacular, perfect, thirteen seconds. Iruka continues to swallow around him while he catches his breath, until he edges into overstimulation and pulls back.

Iruka whimpers and licks at him as he goes, and Kakashi can’t help but chuckle and hold Iruka’s face. “That was amazing. Are you—Iruka?”

Iruka’s breath is stuttering again. He’s still looking at Kakashi’s dick, but he’s dazed and his eyes are unfocused.

Kakashi reaches down and pulls his boxers back up. “Shit,” he mutters. He brushes hair away from Iruka’s face and tips his chin up so he’s not staring at Kakashi’s crotch. “Fuck, hey, Iruka? Iruka, please, please talk to me. You were able to talk before. What do you need?”

No response.

“Shit.”

~

Iruka drifts.

He knows his chest aches, but he stopped feeling it a minute ago. His scalp tingles, but it’s better than the pain he was in before Mizu—Kaka—um. Before. Before. He’s nauseous, and he knows as soon as he resurfaces he’ll need to throw up and Mizuki’ll be furious���no, Mizuki’s gone.

What do you need?

How does one say that one needs to be used? How does he tell someone that, in order to feel… right… he needs Mizuki. Mizuki’s the only one who could love him, right? Even if he didn’t, in the end, he’s the only one who could, and that made all the difference.

Shit.

Shit, indeed. He can’t. He can’t tell anyone. He’s stuck now, he’s stuck here, his scalp aching after his hair’s been pulled and his stomach turning, full of come. He wants Mizuki. Mizuki doesn’t leave forever. It’s been so long, but Mizuki always comes back.

What did Naruto say about these episodes…

Nononono

“No, gods, please, I’ll be good, don’t hurt him.”

He knows his voice is small, his throat is wrecked from the cock he’d sucked before. But whoever’s in the room with him—and he can be reasonably certain there’s someone around him because he hasn’t dissociated alone in over a year and a half—crowds him, picks him up, and places him somewhere soft.

It’s not… it doesn’t work with the rest of his memory.

Naruto’s safe, Iruka. You’re safe.

Safe? He hasn’t been safe with—with—hmm.

He’s on… he’s on his bed. Alone. Not-not alone in the room. He can’t tell who/what/when but he’s not-alone in his room and there are fingers gently stroking his arm from elbow to wrist.

Please come back.

“Please, Iruka, come back to me.”

Oh.

Iruka blinks and his chest aches and his stomach turns and Mizuki is kneeling next to his bedside; blinks and it’s Kakashi, still shirtless and keeping a good distance.

Oh, Kakashi.

It’s. It’s sweet. Not what he needs, or wants, but sweet all the same.

“K’kashi?” he mutters.

“Oh thank fuck. Are you okay? Can I get you anything—water, snack, blanket? Do you need me to leave, stay, what? What can I do for you?”

Iruka smiles as best he can. He reaches out with the hand closest to Kakashi and brushes his own fingers against Kakashi’s still-bare cheek. “Water would be great, please,” he says.

Kakashi nods, and turns his lips against Iruka’s fingers briefly before leaving. He’s still in just his boxers—he never left his side while he dissociated. He could have. Iruka would never have known.

Then his stomach flips and Iruka covers his mouth and jumps up, stumbling to the bathroom. He doesn’t get a chance to close the door, and barely lifts the lid on the toilet. His knees slam against the tile and he heaves, bracing one hand on his belly and the other on the toilet seat. Tears collect in the corner of his eyes and he sobs after the fourth and final heave.

“Iruka?”

“I’m okay,” he murmurs. He spits, flushes, and closes the lid. He’ll clean later. Gods, he’ll clean later.

Kakashi is beside him, helping him stand with strong hands on his elbow and back. Iruka stops to wash up—hands, teeth, rinse, toss the toothbrush—and then they continue back to the bedroom. Well, they almost go back.

Iruka stops in the doorway.

It smells of musk and sex. His stomach tries to flip again.

“I can’t—Kakashi, I can’t go back in there right now, please don’t—”

“Hey, shh,” Kakashi pulls him back and leads him down the hall to the living room. They stop briefly to pick up his trousers, but not long enough to put them on. He guides Iruka to sit at the kotatsu, lifting the quilt to settle him underneath. “Do you want me to bring you a shirt?”

Iruka nods shakily. Kakashi leaves and comes back quickly with a glass of water, and before he leaves again he brushes a kiss on the top of Iruka’s head. Iruka snuggles under the quilt and breathes, trying to figure out where he went wrong.

They’d stripped—fine.

He’d gotten his mouth on Kakashi—fine.

Found out Kakashi is really chatty during sex—had a suspicion about that, nice to have it confirmed.

Kakashi wanted to touch him, too—that was—

Oh. Um.

Kakashi called him “good.”

Not good.

Kakashi pulled his hair.

Iruka basically did this to himself, didn’t he?

Kakashi comes back, trousers on and a uniform shirt in hand. He stops in front of Iruka and asks, “Can I join you?”

Iruka tries to answer by lifting the quilt.

Kakashi shakes his head. “Verbal response only, please. I… for my peace of mind.”

He can’t help a soft smile. “Yes,” he whispers.

And Kakashi falls to his side and hands him his shirt. He pulls it on and curls up next to Kakashi, breathes in his skin and realizes he must have stopped off at the bathroom to wash up.

“We need to talk about this,” Kakashi says, holding him close. “Not now, if you can’t. But as soon as possible. I can’t—I can’t hurt you like this again, okay?”

Iruka nods. “I understand. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t—”

“It’s my fault, Kakashi. I… I thought I could do it. And I was the one who didn’t stop when it was too much.”

“Were you able to stop?”

Iruka blinks. Lifts his head and looks evenly at Kakashi. “What’s that mean?”

“In your flashback,” Kakashi scowls, “would you have been able—allowed—to stop?”

His mouth goes dry. He looks away.

Kakashi’s hand cups his chin and draws him back. “This is why we need to talk it out. I need to know your limits. I need to know your triggers. I need to know your tells.”

Iruka closes his eyes. “I—I don’t know a lot of it. Naruto knows… some of it. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Kakashi tips their foreheads together. “We’ll get through this. I’m not—I’m not gonna leave just because loving you is tricky.”

Love?

“Also, that blowjob was excellent and I’m very much looking forward to the day I can get another one without triggering you.”

Iruka laughs sadly. “Sorry to say, I think if you’re looking for ways to avoid, um, that… blowjobs are off the table for the foreseeable future.”

Kakashi hums in response. “I’ll go without. I can go without anything and everything if it means I get to keep this.” He pulls Iruka ever closer and asks, “Can I kiss you?”

Iruka hesitates.

“Just a kiss, I promise.”

Iruka nods, confirms, “Just a kiss,” and presses their lips together chastely.