#and like maybe its easier for me bc i have no friends and i dont go out
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#sure whatever. tagging ship is probably easier than explaining what the fucks up with these two in my head#hi. I watched sk8 with my friend cosme a while ago. I actually dont care about the allegations that much I just got#blasted with teenage years flashback. and now I need reki to have everything on earth and be well#these have been around for like a week lol Ive just been debating posting them to tumblr. bc like. Im not finishing these lol#hesitant to call sk8 ''therapeutic'' but boy oh boy. does it make me confront some stuff. yes a sport anime leave me alone!!!#its just. I think I was this way about raz too actually. listen I have History with Stuff. I'm allowed ok? I'm totally allowed#u can See it in some of these doodles actually. this fuckign anime got me so unwell#hey. if ur a fellow adhd potentials-havers out there. ur a real one. thanks for still hangin out doin what u love/ur best#if u were an 'if u wanna do art u have to be excellent and high-art at it otherwise it means nothing' kid. I am holding ur hand#I'll be normal now I prommy (lying)#well. what I'll be doing now is taking a nap. maybe. gods my schedule backslid like four hours again#eh whatever. I go to bed anyway. got my portion of the day done and tomorrow I go buy new knife#hope someone come give me a new table top and lower the whole thing a bit soon. so I can stop sitting like Im in a shopping cart#have a good night lads. have fun. its imperative
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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#so like is the rest of my life just gonna be Yearning from now on NZNXNXJXNXMX#ok maybe not the rest of it. but the forseeable future. god how do ppl do this. how have ppl BEEN doing this.#ignorance is truly bliss like. i talk to my friends about him n they dont like fully understand bc theyve never liked someone so mucg#its just so embarassing to talk about n i just BDNDJDJNDJD#i just !!!! always imagined myself single. and would Say Stuff about not wanting anything like that but now im a big clown JDJDJDJJDDJ#BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITD BE LIKE THIS. GOD#im also like. trying to talk myself out of it. like oh maybe its all in my head JDJDJDJDJDN#but like just too much has happened. idk. im just........ im feeling impatient 😭😭😭😭#but like. its progressed well so far with me just progressing things when they feel Right. hhhhh god#and like things wouldnt have progressed this far without him liking me at least a little????#idk !!!!!!!!!!!! this stuff is so hard. and like i cant even see him now without making plans hhhhhhhhhhh#it was so much easier before we graduated NDJDJDJDJDMMFMD#ah well..... soon i guess. soon#itd be really nice tho if he like asked me out. but i have a feeling that maybe im not being obvious to him?? maybe i gotta spell it out idk#he also said (in ref to a job offer tho) that he wouldnt take it unless it was for sure#and i have a feeling......... that maybe hes not sure ????????? god idk#rip to my simple life. guess i gotta wait til i see him again hhhhhhh#personal
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one day ill be annoying ab my selfship again . although i enjoy that ppl enjoy my writing most of this is entirely self indulgent, projection, and for me . being so real .
#wispy chatters#i will never write inbox requests ever again ( /j... but only maybe executive dysfunction hits. )#( i dont know what to rlly write or hc w steven anymore and im in that weird kind of clingy to my interp era where like.#nobody seems to characterize steven right and i feel like im the only one but i dont wanna be a dick but most of its self indulgent so#ill keep it to myself. )#also bc i think i like. already put out all of the imporant steven hcs anyways LOL#ALSO also because ive been busy writing and rping selfship stuff w my friend involving steven instead of writing proper. which#preferable. this was mostly a side hobby to explode all of my hcs onto while i was struggling mentally#and had jack shit else to do.#sorry that i ramble a lot. no im not. this is my fucking blog . But yea#ive also been kind of negative or like. able to be interpreted as negative recently. which. yea kind of#lot of things and interpretations i do not fucking like in this fandom esp ab steven i just keep it to myself.#i just dont like fandom in general esp fanon and steven is such a fanonized character. which. yea he doesnt have much to work with#but hes got enough. idk#life goes on and all . maybe ill make a selfship blog... ill probably snag the url and then never use it.#im talking like im quitting the blog . i do that a lot. im not i just always do whatever i like even if i have 500 unanswered asks.#was easier to focus on writing any char i could in my depression era#its a little sad to see writing and hc posts and im like... i could get in on that. people totally think im a dead blog.#but idk what to add all of the main steven stuff has been squoze outta me.#not entirely but i put my full 100% steven into my self indulgent embarassing thoughts.#buuut yea thats kinda whats been. going on w me ig? Not really? fuck if i know
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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been almost 3 yrs and i am still struggling with the whole mikachi first meeting thing. bye
#for zl its something simple. i just saw cute fanart of it with another ship [ p sure it was someones 2 ocs ] and enjoyed the idea#i lost my black umbrella irl but tbf it doesnt really matter because i always fucking forget to bring it anyways. so sometimes i get caught#in the rain. so idk zl lends me his umbrella bc. fuck! heading in the same direction and is like hey loser . . let me help you . .#cue immediate heart eyes bc handsome stranger helped her. like Wow Yuo Are So Cool... ♡#afterwards she mentions this interaction to her friend [ yun jin or hu tao .. unsure but they are both so silly so its hard 2 decide ] and#then they are like wait i know that grandpa you're talking about! let me set you up lalala theres this whole thing i'm lazy#i'll write about it Maybe bc i do want to write for my platonic f/os. and also cover all the [ firsts ] in my self ships#its just: i don't like feeling obligated to stick to things (like a series or theme or whatever) so maybe not. would be nice though..#nobody in this world is allowed to laugh at me i'll die#as for childe my plan was he breaks into her house and then shes like wtf who r u?!! they make eye contact and kiss + get married asap#no actually i truly dont know. zl's is slightly easier because he lives a mortal life. just chills#has connections with a lot of the liyue chars. literally just enjoying his retirement era now#ajax doesn't have many connections ( other harbingers but they dgaf about each other i think x ) and i just cant imagine that. idk#just fucking. bumping into him would lead to anything. maybe i should turn into a fish and have him fish me up and then i transform into a#girl and then we fall in love what do you guys think (losing my grip on humanity)#💭#mika ♡ ajax#mika ♡ zhongli
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feeling very 🧍♂️ may not be around for a bit
#its nothing tumblr related really its more just irl#a mix of being tired and having deadlines and not being able to make myself work#and the. kinda harsh switch in vibe in the house from last nights everyone hanging out having fun#to todays me alone cleaning up after everyone and knowing that the others are content doing their own thing and don't wanna hang w me#which like!! is fine im not expecting to be the center of their world its just.#idk we used to hang out every night watching a movie or some tv and laughing#and ever since i got back from my trip we just. we spend time together maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks and it takes me asking if they wanna#hang out like 3000 times before it ever happens and when it does there's just. theres a disconnect#and I think they just realized during the two months i was away that theyre. maybe a bit happier without me#or at least they find it easier to not hang out#like theyve got jobs now so obviously they dont have time the way they used to but its not just that theres been a Shift#i think they also might. kinda resent me for the trip and having that opportunity#which sucks bc i cant. do anything ab that i had no say in the trip i didnt want to go#and even saying that makes me very. like that feels like such a selfish arrogant thing to say to want to turn down a trip across the world#but everyone who was here during that trip knows that i spent the entire time dissociating and getting yelled at and suicidal so uh#i dont think its selfish to not have wanted to go when i Knew it'd end like that but i think they might think it was#ANYWAY this got depressing and sad i dont mean to bring shit here its just i literally only have 3 friends and 2 of them r these ones#and the other is so emotionally unavailable and doesnt really take mental health seriously so#ooc.#negative cw
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ana rant in tags ermmmm yeah!! :3
#berry.vents </3#i hate that it's getting easier#starving i mean#cause i dont even feel like eating half the time nowadays because of how used ive become to the absence of food in my system#i can drink one thing of iced coffee and maybe eat some yoghurt with fruit#and i'd call it a day#i don't like that what i shouldnt want for myself is working#bc i know this is bad#and i dont want it#but i know if i stop i'll feel like horseshit#so its a pick your poison situation#i hate stepping on the scale and seeing the number go down bc it pushes me further towards degradation#i dont want the side effects#i dont want my hair to fall#i dont want to feel cold all the time#i dont want to have to spend time thinking of what's my next excuse to not eat#i don't want my mom to notice i'm not eating at all#i dont want to make her worry#i dont know how i'll avoid eating around my friend when uni starts#i hate thinking about how i'll look if i lose 10 more kilograms#i dont want to change but that's the only thing that's been keeping me going these days#i dont like that#i wish i could be normal about myself again#and how i look#and what i eat#i hate this
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#in the past i would have given up but now im like#oh right if i want something..... i gotta go for it and make it happen HDJDJDJDJDJDJ#itd be easier to give up tho LOL. god....#idk im just................ what if like. nothing even happens n i spejt all this time liking him like that would SUCK. hhhhhhhhh#i should just see if him n my ither friend wanna hang out but im ANXIOUS ABOUT ASKING#BC. GOD. the longer i dont see someone the more im like.... oh they probably didnt even like me that much JDJDJDJD#like this even happens with ppl ive been friends with for 15 years like i am just THAT insecure????#maybe not insecure.... idk. i think i just.... dont wanna get hurt so i tell myself that ppl dont actually like me. but thats like so dumb.#bc thats like... borrowing grief from the future right????? and like hhhhh god#idk i just like. sometimes its better to have 0 expectations or hopes??????#idk romance has never worked out for me b4 so why would it this time#tho to be fair this is the first time ive actually like wanted stuff to keep happening.#prev guys ive been like oh god oh no this is so fast#and its like. just them wanting to talk constantly#but now i have this guy that i talk to like. every 1 to 2 weeks LOL GOD#im trying to hang in there#i think its just that its passed 2am#idk idk#im just.............!!!!#and like what if bc im not moving fast enough.... he moves on JDJJDKDKDKDKDMDMMDMD#but then its like.... ok it wasnt meant to be then....??????#god this is so JDJDJJDJDJDJD#be careful what u wish for bc like. i said i always wanted a friends first slow burn and LMAO.......#hhhh n e way#im also like maybe i jynxed this whole thing by talking about it too much 😭😭😭#ugh whatever... im so JDJFJFJDMDMMD#personal
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a short little compilation of some of my splats from the nov 2023 greetings splatfest!
#splatoon 3#lizz.mp4#splatfest??? was an actually decent experiece??? what???#i usually dont really care much for splatfests especially the regular turf war mode bc i find it kind of tedious#but turns out maybe it can be ok! i had some nice moments and squid parties with teams id be matched with IT WAS SO CUTE!!!#i still greatly prefer salmon run as a mode bc i find it more gratifying and easier to learn (and more of my friends are into it)#i think the caveat with splatfest is that i want like... several things out of the 'weapon' that i choose for it#i want a weapon that's forgiving when i fuck up so that it's not aim intensive. so i cant play my babygirl charger its too much effort#secondly i want like.. a weapon that.. doesnt make my hands want to shrivel up#inkbrush is a win button but goddamn is it a LOt to press just to slap real fast#so my alternatives are reeflux and the tri-sloshers.. which i LOVE but they have piss poor range#my issue would be easily solved if i could be assed playing a shooter but i've been playing no shooters this season#because i want no orange on that chart!! (i'll resume using shooters next season maybe)#anyway. the next time theres a splatfest i might stream it just bc i think itd be more entertaining for me to talk about nothing#as i fumble around through the silly little squid game#i think a lot about this game... i really enjoy 'mastery' of things and splatoon hits that Learning Hit for me#will probably going to shift my focus back onto other games though b4 december hits. i need to see yosk and mint NOW!!!
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she's not even home. what the fuck girl
#overheard my mom yelling at my sister bc she hasnt been home since yesterday#and shes always going out and never cones back by the time she says she will (WHEN she comes home)#and she also keeps my dad awake bc it's fuckin 2 in the morning and she needs a ride#and we all worry bc she barely answers her phone and shit#but anyway mom was yelling at her#and turns out she was on the phone and this girls not even home yet#so idk#she really doesnt make it easier for herself#like come on#“oh i wanted to see this friend and leave but they were 3 hours late” just leave then. just fuckin leave man#and like maybe its easier for me bc i have no friends and i dont go out#but idk man#if your nights out are making your mother consider kicking you out then maybe reconsider some things.#like i dont care that she goes put a lot#but shes really inconsiderate towards my parents#i thought my mom was yelling at her bc she just got home#but shes not even here shes still out#like idk everyone gets worried and she just doesnt care and keeps us awake when she could just come home at a reasonable time#and while i do think its funny bc some years ago i did spend 2 days out bc i didnt feel like going home they were fine with it#but i guess its because i let them know first??? or they just dont care about me as much#delete#and shes always like “oh today ill go home early im really tired ill leave in like 1 hour” and she literally comes home like 8 hours later#shes so bad with time but bitch you gotta work on that#you cant teehee your way out of everything
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currently 500 pages into rhythm of war, am enjoying the things im enjoying very deeply (mostly shallan and adolin. and veil and radiant and shallan’s dynamics. and kal but thats easy because he’s my favourite character and besides isn’t even hitting that hard in this one its just that everything he does is everything to me) but so much of it also is just such a slog and idk if it’s me because i usually set aside a day to read like 80% of the book in one go or if it’s the fact that a friend has now also read stormlight and shared some opinions w me that i dont disagree with or if its the book itself but like. navani is such a boring POV character and adolin’s reduction down to his fashion sensibilities is a snore and the bridgemen are practically absent so kal doesn’t even have anyone to endear him even more to me and even venli’s just too like. cautious to have anything going for her. like fr the only person i don’t have any sort of a complaint towards as of rn is shallan
#it doesnt help tht i wanna be in shadesmar and instead am in the tower while it is getting invaded like girl i dont wanna say that idc#but idc#and also ok i never read the lift novella but then i dont believe in having to have read novellas to follow along the main plot#at least not how it works in publishing rn#but like. ok maybe she's still coming but how is she just not gonna sneak onto the mission to shadesmar#how is she so unimportant when even just the way she was introduced back in .. words of radiance maybe? or oathbringer doesnt rly matter#but even that was so different & broke such a routine that it makes her stick out in my mind#and now she's just sorta left by the wayside#like omg snore ! im sorry but like i just deeply dont care about dalinar and navani's chapters so like why arent those replaced by her#recently read#its also like . i do love these books but come on im 500 pages in thats not even half#that usually would bring me such joy but because so many of these chapters are making me wanna just put the book down#its a LOT to not be halfway done yet#like and all of this wouldnt matter if i just put the book down and came back to it later#but that wouldn't work out great bc then i forget what happened and also now i have that friend who just finished rhythm of war#and i wanna be able to talk to her about it even tho i am prtty sure we read these books entirely differently#PLUS i wanna get into more of the cosmere which yk i can do that without reading stormlight bc everything else is like#written before stormlight. but still i just wish it was easier to skimread sections and not miss huge chunks
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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