#and its stupid im still angry but i dont know how to not be
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lunarsapphism · 1 year ago
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iguessitsjustme · 10 months ago
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I want Mhok to truly ghost. Disappear. I want Porjai to call Night looking for Day and for Day to tell her what happened. I want her to show up and yell at Day and let all of her worried about Mhok come to the surface. I want her to say “the last time I couldn’t find him, his sister died. What if it’s him this time?” I want Mhok to go to Hawaii and send Porjai a post card so she knows he’s alright. And I want Day to spend the time skip becoming independent and capable and worried. So, so worried because Mhok is gone and he has no way to know anything. Day’s gone to his house to find it vacant. Eventually Porjai tells him she got the post card so she knows Mhok is okay but that’s it. Day has to live with his regret. That *he* put his blindness over Mhok’s feelings and pain and hurt. And now Mhok is gone.
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ganondoodle · 1 year ago
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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orcelito · 4 months ago
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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tokyoteddywolf · 8 months ago
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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bingotime · 1 year ago
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sad. bitter realization that i am still haunted by people of the past, got recc'd a show a guy i knew really liked and would recommend to me. and i figured i would at some point, but now even the thought makes me irrationally. something. unsure. uncomfortable? bitter? upset? overwhelmed maybe. i want to watch it, but i can't really tear two and two apart. just feels like a punch to the face
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makedamnsvre · 2 years ago
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uhm
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fivepebsi · 1 month ago
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myyyyy herobrineeee. my silly. tragedy be upon ye
#thinking abt his stupid fucking doomed yaoi from thousands of yrs ago#whatever.#ooooh how it feels to be many thousands of years old#and everyone you have ever known and loved has come and gone in what feels like the blink of an eye#OOOUUAGGH#i dont have a name for this guy yet even. whatevr#he is heros dear dear beloved devoted friend. in the yrs after the wither incident#he is one of the last people to stand by him in a while. and for a LONG time after#they part on bad terms due to ummmm. hero killing a bunch of people.#its like. hero turning his back on the last thing that made him ‘human’#[thinking evilly]#i do think this relationship rlly does affect how hero is around steve and alex#esp steve. since he is a lot like mr past yaoi guy#specifically it makes him very reluctant to get attached due to knowing how short human lives are#but he is soooo drawn to steve he cant stay away. and gets attached anyways#i think he wld also be constantly afraid of steve realising the ‘monster’ he rlly is#hero is closed off abt his past anyways but this is an especially sore subject#i think he wld on occasion kinda lash out to almost give steve a reason to leave him. to hate him#atrghh anyways im a little insane abt yhem. i have written. a letter between the two#i was toying w this guy maybe dying from wither or smth but i think just. cutting ties and then dying of old age is. worse#idk for someone who believed in hero so fully and loved him and trusteddd him#i think he wld even struggle to believe hero cld be capable of such a thing#i dont think he would ever truly hate hero. but he was surely hurt by his actions and angry hero didnt come to him for help#he has a deepppp understanding of what hero was going thru (visions of the dead)#but i think still he didnt realise truly how bad things were and how quickly hero was unravelling#ho hum. <- sad about the freaks in my head
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inbabylontheywept · 4 months ago
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bad dating stories time: the shoe incident
so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.
at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.
he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?
and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.
but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.
i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?
(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)
and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.
i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.
that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.
i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.
anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.
i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.
we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.
he was okay at it.
eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.
soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.
realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:
"i can't get pregnant"
which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.
still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"
and then i was in my car, and i drove away.
if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.
and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.
WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.
we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.
do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.
and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.
then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.
and then they started making out.
i was close enough to hear it.
i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.
so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.
now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.
so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.
about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.
my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.
my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.
they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?
and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.
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dragonfyre-creations · 7 months ago
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I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)
(long dump in the tags and under the cut)
The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.
Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.
Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.
She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.
She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona
#I've been working the last 3 hours on her design and like just noticed HOW MUCH of myself i put into her design#especially parts of myself im self conscious of and don't like/didn't like growing up. i usually zone out esp during a character design#but i stopped and i looked at it and my first thought was “that's me. that's me on that canvas.” and for some reason felt so happy with it#ik that's probably a selfish thought to have and im nowhere near done with her design but i looked at it and loved it so deeply.#she's imperfect and ugly and flawed but that's ok because she's still beautiful in her own weird way and her friends still love her#this is the weirdest shit I've ever experienced but i honestly feel like I'm finally accepting a part of myself I've hated and shoved down#for so long because of the absolute gnawing feeling of unacceptance I've always been subjected to as “not fitting in” and something she say#is “who gives a shit what other people think about me. i have friends who love and care about me just as much as i do for them.#you dont need to be liked by everyone to be worth something. sometimes just existing is enough for the people who do love you“#the parallels of both my life and her lore are so similar they hurt on a visceral level i cant describe and it was completely unintentional#we both trust too easily whether it's out of naivety or stupidity and not learning from past mistakes and have been hurt so deeply#so many times beyond our own comprehension by the betrayal of other people to the point of shutting down every attempt at friendship#despite knowing just how much being alone aches and burns and put both physical and mental health on the line to get the approval of others#but never letting anyone get close enough to be friends out of fear of being hurt again#and having every vulnerable part of ourselves wrapped in metaphorical knives and glass to hurt anyone attempting to get to know us#but simultaneously and unknowingly hurting ourselves too with that choice. we're both aware of what we're doing but also unable to stop it#out of fear and lack of people willing to understand our pain and frustration and anger over things and it's so so frustrating#we both lash out when angry or hurt and push people that we love and love us back away out of fear that if any “ugly” is exposed to them#they'll leave because we lose our one redeemable quality of “being convenient” in a group#but simultaneously don't them trust fully out of fear. we know we're loved and love back but never fully in case its all a lie.#we both want nothing more than someone to understand and listen to what happened to us and actually stay and be friends rather than leave#like truly actually want to be friends and not just stay out of pity or sorrow over what happened#i think this is just something that comes with the autism tbh#i am she and she is me#rambling#dragon character#character writing#character building#dragon oc
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g8d · 8 months ago
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dont remember if i ever was this angry at anyone before
#keep thinking abt [redacted]#wack. tbh#like embarrassing idgaf abt this guy why is he still on my mind.#this is some ego feeding shit like its cool to hate and be angry or something?#its just that i think he should be corrected. but the system is not in agreement on this.#guy was like my best friend for a couple months never even asked abt the system lol n theyr like looking out for him#or i guess mby theyre looking out for me/us. so as to not go to jail/be haunted by our choices our whole lives.#whatever#i know how to make it stop it is just taking time and effort. because its like 1. kind of addictive so i keep accidentaly/habitually reinfo#cing it and 2. the other option is to face that im hurt and i cant do shit about it realy other than ... LeArN from it or some shit#like learn what? i already went full schizoid over this.#maybe i dont need to learn shit lol maybe i already did it :)#so just the pain then. and overcoming the hate habit. and like just letting it go and forgetting abt it#but the thing is that he needs to die i think.#i want to kill kill kill kill him so bad.#i hope hes not reading this in case i ask to meet him again sometime. for business.#maybe thats why its still on my mind#because im unwilling to let go of the idea that we could help eachother if i wasnt so stupid hurt over some little thing (the nasty shit he#pulled that hurt me lol) like bro. bro. im not going to just get over it. like thts rly the thing. 3-5 yrs ago i would have totally just#elected to get over it and make up or smth like that.#and im v unwilling to do that now while lots of my brain architecture is still built for that interaction style.#so when im thinking kill kill kill kill im going to [redacted as fuck im not putting that shit online this is already bad enough] mby im#actually killing the mental structures that make me a target for abuse :)))))))))#all is good in the world i love myself and my life. and absolutely no one else. except my mom and my friends and that one other guy who als#might read my blog but i really doubt it bc he doesnt evenrly ask me how im doing or anything . its cool though. for now.
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talkorsomething · 8 months ago
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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................
Well, it's only half related.
We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.
I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...
I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.
Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?
Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.
November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?
There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.
I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.
...push it back down.
Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.
It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.
I don't know you.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?
Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.
It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.
I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.
... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.
I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.
...
I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.
I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.
Will someone just let me say that?
Will someone just fucking help for once?
#sh tw#(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#im cursed with being a bit too self aware so#i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things#(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER#BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM#back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat#[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything#so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend#so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice#i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together#(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING
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philosophicallie · 11 months ago
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also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY
small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY
#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders#cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but#I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023#i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be#thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin#but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming#and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i#have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more#im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @#idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that#i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter#ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her#i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do#other than just throw money at me for support#i hate this#original#vent
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phagodyke · 11 months ago
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been wanting to work out all day so I did when I got back even tho it was just for 20 mins bc i still have period cramps but all its done is make me jittery + on the Brink of extremely angry
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carrotpiss · 1 year ago
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This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading
#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything#gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still#doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have#the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist#why am i being left in the dark#im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by#being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it#bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless#and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i#predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just#have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans#and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver#i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund#i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously#mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj#I just want a hug for the next millennia#instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own#paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely#dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and#then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something#scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a#hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that#crouch speaks#and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head
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captainsparklefingers · 1 year ago
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It's always weird when you get an idea for an au story and it sounds great as an idea, but then when you go to try and plot it out, you're like 'wait this is either gonna involve a complete overhaul of canon or I'm gonna have to ignore a lot of shit or get really, REALLY creative'. And suddenly the whole thing just feels very, very daunting.
I think that's why I haven't done anything longer than oneshots (interconnected or otherwise) for a while.
Like, writing Conspiracy of Ravens, my last multichapter story for anything, did involve a major canon change, but it was something that could, I think, be done in a way that could sort of slot into canon and not feel eo out of place? I mean it wasn't perfect, but i5 didn't feel like...wildly impossible, which for something that could have big ripple effects is good, I'd say.
I've got other ideas for longer things, four of which I'm seriously consider writing, one of which I've actually been trying to write on and off for liiiiike...two years? And as you can see, they do not exist beyond my brain and a bunch of notes that go nowhere, or they get started but the idea of a complete canon rewrite is so daunting that even beginning to plan that out is a struggle.
I gotta say, I really admire people who do massive aus that manage to both diverge from their canon source in a big way while also following similar plot beats or echoes and staying true to both the characters and the heart/feel of the original source work. Because that CANNOT be easy.
(you know exactly who you are, if you're reading this, and I both envy and deeply respect you.)
....look I've been home sick with a major headcold all day, with nothing to keep me company but my cats and my thoughts. This is what happens when I have free time. Not any ACTUAL writing, but a dumb blog post about how writing is hard. In short: I'm sick, I'm bored, I have writers block, and I'm complaining instead of, you know, doing anything productive.
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