#and it's a weird vent

[ohwell-itsme]

Oh, you don't understand, I grew up in isolation searching for evil in my heart so I can't be hurt saying I'm not human at all and playing dead in my room sometimes it feels like I am already centuries old but I still think of myself as a child and I'll never have enough time I was never good at lying, but I can't help thinking "if I am too earnest, they will kill me like a dog" because I've always been other, even where I'm supposed to belong, and it's hard not to be bitter, learned not to be forgiving because there's people who never change, but they do hang around and they'll say that it's good that I am passionate and unique but I can't get along because what I really am is selfish and sensitive and I think that mother is a wound that pours into you and it never stops bleeding, and love is only salt in it I'm entitled and I'm bitchy, too queer and radical, but not really, actually too passive, ignorant and escapist, wouldn't care, I mean, my mother says with full conviction that I don't like anyone, when my sister once again is firing questions about favorites and connections, isn't she wrong, though? hard to tell I still get lonely, that is for sure, I am a safe distance from everyone and they can't reach me, no, not even if we both try, because it all looks fake through my lenses, sometimes I think we're all just manipulating each other into getting affirmations, putting on masks, like it's not our nature to be cruel and we play nice to get something good in return, maybe I only ever speak when I try to get praise or throw it all up when I can't hold back no more, but who knows.

After so much time alone, you get weird, weirder than you can naturally be or get on purpose, 90% of human behaviors are annoying, things that don't personally interest me are a bother, but I grit my teeth and try to be more normal, just like I do when I agonize over myself being annoying and refuse to give in to the instinct to bolt. It is largely a pain to be around other people, I don't have the energy for it most of the time, I can't do small talk or platitudes and I am bossy in creative projects, sometimes it's more like, maybe I need to give people a breather from me so they still like me, but mostly I just sink into things to do alone, I could be alone for ages, if the immortality came with no longer having physical needs, that'd be great, I might still sometimes indulge, but mostly I'd forget to, I'd waste a few decades on games, maybe start getting into more books later, and puzzles, and just walking around, travelling when I can, maybe second or third century in, I'd be like "I should start maxing out my skills" and try learning again, it wouldn't go very well, since I like getting the general idea and saying that's enough about most topics, I would take two things seriously: experimenting in the kitchen and being overtly studious about shows/visual novels, making notes and docs and all the prep for writing I never get around to; maybe I'd get into painting too, not drawing tho, and I wouldn't try to be good either. Again, given that I don't have needs and don't have to submit to capitalism, I could actually end up writing out my stuff, go somewhere where I can be alone, with the only distraction being myself, and write, without worrying about what I have to do next, like shopping or sleeping, I could actually get somewhere like that. Maybe eventually I'd figure that learning some type of fighting and increasing my body strength is also beneficial, so I have an easier time traveling further away and partying alone. Maybe at some point I'd decide to live in the wild, at least for a while, but probably not, or at least, not in the woods. I'd try to get better at recognizing plants, but fail to memorize their names. A few centuries in, I'd start to do stupid things I used to be afraid of, because I felt like the adrenaline of it was only shortening my lifespan. I'd dye my hair every color. I still would never have sex. I'd try to become a cryptid or otherwise start an urban legend or something like that. Keep on changing my identity and trying to get famous and seeing if people will say that I look like myself. Invent a sandwich and keep on telling people like it's already known until it sticks as a classic of unknown origin. Make up words. Be an unsettling presence. Relationships already are fleeing and last a miniscule part of my life, why would I be worried about that? It's always just for a little itty bit and it's never close enough, and it burns and breaks and leaves a scar. People don't like knowing me, they like it when I'm somewhere in the orbit, occasionally popping in, showing my best face, and then I'm cool and wise and inspiring and I like how they're reacting too.

[komodocloud]

do you guys ever feel like an outcast even in a group full of outcasts. like i'm autistic and even in groups full of neurodivergent people i'm still excluded sometimes. i don't understand why

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i thought i was at my lowest but holy shit it gets lower

[simonn0el]

I Hope The Guilt Eats You Alive

[kizzer55555]

The Vampire Aesthetic

Ok so Danny knows two billionaires personally and they really couldn’t be more different. Yet they had one thing in common. A vampire aesthetic. Sam is fully into goth. Spiderwebs, bats, the color black. She enjoys fangs and fake blood and the darkness of her soul. Meanwhile, Vlad is Vlad. If his name wasn’t enough, the dark clothing, pale skin, and flying around with a cape and fangs with coffins in his mansion really sells it.

Danny doesn’t know many rich people so he thinks this might be some kind of trend. (If Paulina is rich, her family likes the chupacabra) So he just thinks that all rich people have some kind of vampire thing going on.

Cue Danny somehow ending in the Wayne household. Maybe he was brought over as a friend of one of the bats, maybe rescued from a field trip/vacation gone wrong, maybe some other situation. But he is there in civilian form with civilian Waynes and Danny just takes a good long look around the inside of the mansion.

“So where’s the vampire aesthetic?

Everyone freezes.

Danny just starts looking around, checking behind paintings and feeling the walls for secret levers. Used to secret passages with Vlad and possibly Sam. The Fentons definitely had them when they were temporarily rich.

“Come on, I know you guys are hiding it.”

Cue the entire batfamily thinking that this is another Tim and that he is fully aware that these people are the batfamily. Danny hangs around the mansion more and the bats just start dropping their disguises and not even bothering to hide stuff around Danny because they assume he already knows. (Possibly even trying to recruit him to be a new bat) Meanwhile, Danny, who does not know these people are batman and his birds, just does not pick up on any of it.

He grew up in a health violation with a giant ballon observatory lab above his head and a portal to the afterlife in his basement. He is a half dead teenager who has tea with the god of time and his godfather is the other parent to his clone child. He’s used to death lazers being scattered across his home and mysterious stains on clothing.

People are weird! He doesn’t judge!

[bolszaja-miedwedica]

welcome to my own wheel of shitshow

[temeyes]

brotherly embrace

[chatlote]

To lose your purpose...to find another.

[Prequel, of sorts]

[mossy-aro]

ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.

when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!

that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.

but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!

joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.

and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.

tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.

[hoofpeet]

Problems guy part 200

[wolfertinger666]

thrown to the wolves

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

[lazylittledragon]

this sounds like such 14-year-old bullshit but nobody prepares you for how you feel when you realise that some of your friends actually don't really like or care about you that much

[xulips]

the you i fell in love with

[simonn0el]

Inspired by this post.

Prints available here

[boozois]

sometimes it still tricks me

i look like i'd just seen a ghost.

i miss you.