#and it wont actually be too bad at all if i fucked up
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“ call her number , but she wont answer “
Dae-Ho x GN!Reader (established relationship)
Angst — TW - OD
authors note : this is my first actual post on tumblr so im hoping it does good
Dae-Ho had just got out of the games, those dreaded games. He was so happy go finally get out, alive too. Finally getting to go home after those days almost weeks; making him feel paranoid and scared. Finally getting back home and getting his phone he checked his notifications; 200+ missed calls and messages combined. All from you. Nobody else, you. All wanting to know where he went; the voicemails begging him to come home, the misspelled texts evident of your anxiousness and lack of sleep. Running off of those damn pills you always took when you got anxious, making you stay up all night. You were always up for hours on hours. when you took them. Oh he hated it, always begging you to come back to bed.
Dae-Ho searches your shared apartment for you, “Y/N? Baby?..” he asked around, looking in every nook and cranny. The closet, the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, anywhere and everywhere. Dae-Ho finally called you, going immediately to voicemail. “Fuck..” he muttered under his breath; you always picked up the phone, under any circumstance. Even if you were dying you would've picked up the phone.
You didn’t live directly with Dae-Ho, just most of the time. You had your own apartment about 2 hours away, which probably meant you were there..right?.. right?.. Letting out a sigh he looked around, getting some clothes and walking to the bathroom, stripping down. Turning the shower on, mostly hot but somewhat cold; the perfect temperature, what he thought was at least.
Getting into the shower he closed the sliding glass door softly behind himself, standing there for a moment. Letting the water go down every curve of his body. Usually you were there, in the shower with him, washing each other off. Oh it felt so, so, so wrong not to have you there. Sure he had lovers before you, but they weren’t like you. You were his soulmate in his words. He had always loved you, being childhood friends and all.
Running soapy hands through his hair he lathered his dark hair with the shampoo, your shampoo. You two always shared everything. Clothes, food, calonge, perfume, whatever. It was everything you shared that built your bond as strong as it was. Rinsing the shampoo out of his hair and washing all the grime off of his body he turned the shower off. stepping out and grabbing a towel, drying his body off and drying his hair. Pulling his clothes on and walking out of the bathroom, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror in the bedroom, stopping and staring. You had always took photos in that mirror, putting a polaroid of the two of you in the corner.
Dae-Ho stepped closer to the mirror, taking the polaroid in between his thumb and pointer finger, a soft, nostalgic smile on his face. He missed you, too damn bad. putting the polaroid in the pocket of his jeans he walked over to the living room, grabbing his phone and calling you again, “Answer..” he murmured, his voice strained with worry before going to voicemail — again. Sensing something was wrong he grabbed his jacket and put his phone in his pocket, grabbing his keys and going out, locking the apartment door behind himself.
While getting in his car Dae-Ho got a notification, his eyes widened, hoping it was you. No. it was a scammer, not you. Sighing, tears coming to his eyes he turned the keys, starting the car and driving off. Driving those two hours to your apartment, stopping at a gas station to get you two a Monster. You always loved Monsters, Dae-Ho didn’t know what it was but you loved energy drinks. Paying and getting back in his car he desperately checked his phone again, nothing. Deciding he should call you again he did, sighing with sadness when it went to voicemail.
“Hey babe.. im coming to your apartment.. seeing you weren’t at ours.. i hope everythings okay.. love you. see you soon.”
Driving off again he finally got to your house not long after. Getting out of the car he got the two Monsters, going up to your apartment and unlocking the door with the spare key. Walking inside, taking his shoes off by the door, quickly padding into the kitchen and setting the Monsters on the countertop. Looking around for you before finally walking over to your bedroom door, seeing it was closed he raised a brow. Knocking he the next words left his lips nervously, “Babe?.. you in there?..”
Opening the door he started talking, looking at the ground while he did so, “Sweetheart.. listen im sorry for leaving.. i just.. we needed the money and this guy-“ He cut himself off, seeing a dim light from the bathroom, “Y/N?” He asked, walking over, looking in before his jaw dropped. A body. Your body. Laying there lifeless with the medicine cabinet open, various pill bottles empty on the counter. You killed yourself. Worse. You overdosed.
Tears prickling his eyes he scrambled, getting onto the floor and trying to shake you awake. Screaming your name, “Y/N! Y/N! BABY PLEASE!” Tears streaming from his eyes he held your lifeless body close. His worst fear come to life. You, the long of his life, his partner, his fiance, was dead; and he felt like the cause.
#dae ho x reader#squid game season 2#kang dae ho x reader#player 388#dae ho#kang dae ho#squid game s2#squid game#angst#daeho angst
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scared
#im such an idiot lol#im always such an idiot#i wanna cry#context: medicine warning labels got me freaking out even though i know those are just to cover their ground#and it wont actually be too bad at all if i fucked up#but im still scared#i dont like body stuff i dont like body horror#and its a p personal kind of medicine so no one at my place knows i even got or used it#which is making me even more anxious#idk im scared :)#aahhh <<33#its always something man
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pygmalion and galatea for aroace people
you should tell your friends what I look like, riz gukgak.
#fantasy high#fantasy high sophomore year#fhsy#riz gukgak#baron from the baronies#fh class quangle#class swap babeyy! bard!riz that's whats goin on!#I really need tags for these now I think lmao#ask to tag#I feel like this should be tagged something. but I dont know what#in my brain after the initial kidnapping class swap baron's thing is every time riz keeps his story abt them up in front of his friends#they get a little bit closer. they send him pictures of where they supposedly are n stuff#theres a scene in my brain only of kristen and riz on top of the van and kristen is like everything kinda sucks rn can u tell me abt baron#cause what you guys have is so nice and beautiful. and riz almost doesn't but he ultimately can't deny kristen a little peace#lmao I feel like dipping into baron stuff with the class swap is like showing my whole ass online again I just. I'm a#horror person before all else... I cant stop myself. canon baron is Great and Cool but that is kind of the thing. for a horror thing theyre#Too Cool. I think cool is kind of the neutralizer of scary. when a monster is a certain amount of cool it overrides the scary#and now u just have a Cool Monster#its so fucked for bard!riz this year bc he doesn't have an office (he's mooching off the school wifi from the AV club room lol)#so there's no buffer between adventure and home life. so baron just shows up in the strongtower apartment lmao#sophomore year bard!riz looks like a slasher protag so I just leaned into it I guess. he gets a mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon kennedy#well. its worse actually. they can show up where he is at any moment theyve proven this. but they dont#they choose to punish him slowly as he lies to his friends instead. baron is mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon and also a bitch#I think its gonna pop up if class swap baron ever speaks in a comic I do but their voice comes from like. inside their hollow face#it sounds like it's a lot deeper in there than that skull should be#tbh what I have rn is kinda like a bag of loose pieces that Can fit together into something great but I dont have the energy to#really sit down with them yet lol. Im doing this inbetween other things#it comes or it doesn't! it's fine. funny how today's bad comic day also. I wont say this is for bad comic day bc all my comics are#flawless and beautiful and perfect and awesome and beautiful and the best#but u should. if u havent drawn a comic today or at all ever u should draw a comic
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YEAH SURE! WHAT COULD PUNCHING A WALL POSSIBLY DO TO YOUR ROTTING LITTLE ARM, ZOMBIE BOY? HUH? HUHH????
#cw gore#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#william wisp#RAHHH THIS IS SO OOOLLLDD BUT IT NEEDS TO GET OUT OF MY WIPS N INTO THE WORLD BC ITS STILL PRETTY GOOD...#ITS NOT THAT BAD#I loved this stupid scene so much btw actually the one thing that stopped me from finishing it for sooooo long was that i actually wanted#to draw the rest of the scene leading up to it. smth smth givin vyn mouth2mouth i dont remember what the bit was. cpr. whatever. i forgor#but its NEVER GONNA HAPPENNNN RAAHHHH IMM TIRED N LAZY AND I JUST WANTED THIS OUT.#IF YOU DONT GO HERE U WONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCKS GOIN ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ANYWAY IM RLY PROUD O THAT BONE. SO GLAD THAT WILLIAMS TOO DEAD TO HAVE BLOOD OTHERWISE I WOULD#HAVE TO COVER UP ALL THE DELICIOUS BONE N MEAT. I LOVE DRAWIN BONES N MEATS!! YEAH BABY!!!
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kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself
#you sick son of a bitch#if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive#it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive????????#you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started????????#his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal???#and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself#but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him#AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN#GO FUCK YOURSELF#Honestly the worst#also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into#a whole different level#anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day#good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;>#lol#dc prattles#as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family#i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself#feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive#but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly#anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy#sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔#ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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Uh. Hi. I'm a schizophrenic autistic trans man, my husband is a physically disabled trans man. We are gonna be homeless this month. Please consider commissioning me or donating to my cashapp or paypal
My cashapp is $vwolfe my PayPal is vwolfe23
#i just checked my cash savings and i literally got. $140#please help me#this is a cry for help a genuine one#i dont know what to do i really dont#at least were getting out of Florida (by force)#i guess i just keep working like normal but it def wont be enough.#keep working untill the hammer hits me on the head#and then what?#i dont know. we have a breif plan to drive up to a refreational state get a hotel and find jobs#but#id ont know#im so scared#i know nobody ever sees these but i just. need it so bad right now.#this might actually kill us lol#it all ends on a big fucking blow up every single time#just kinda glad we getting out before they reveal another hateful layer pre election day#i got kicked out and disowned by my dad last election day eve#and then i moved in with my husband. and now my husbands dad is kicking us out AGAIN bc again. we arent taking transphobia and bullshit#called us dykes bruh. they make a big deal everytime they say fag and how they have a 'fag jar' but gonna call 2 fully grown trannies dykes#got it#im suicidal lol#our power is out from helene rn too and wr have a generator but they keep flipping our breaker just to upset us#and on top of all of this. we might be given custody of 3 kids. which im not ready for. im so scared and i dont know what my future beholds
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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i have to imagine that bibi’s poker side gig thing contributed at least a little to the ivf bc otherwise nora is really getting absolutely nothing from this marriage lol
#bad sisters spoilers#bad sisters#bibi’s not even there when their child is conceived she’ll probably skip the birth too bc eva/becka will call her in for a laugh/a drink#she buys old beat up cars after she finally gets her license in her thirties#she lets nora do all the cooking lets her carry her literal children wont even fuck her or cuddle or kiss her properly#she doesnt even have a proper JOB#she’ll probably spend more time raising becka’s child than her own#her own kid wont even get a proper name till they’re like a year old bc she just never finds the time to sit down & discuss it with nora#at least let nora have some sort of side piece or sth… some taller younger hot blonde. eva’s menopause coach. literally anyone 😔#anyway sharon writing bibi as a deadbeat dyke IS actually v funny but i sincerely hope it’s intentional bc otherwise. lol.
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manifesting a new bee!chloe in season 6 🕯️🙏🕯️
#im imagining chloe is just Absent for like half the season off in new york#and then she's just Back. out of nowhere. maybe permanent maybe temporary#but shes just kinda. defeated. not nice or anything but just not really engaging. people try to rile her up re: her being an asshole#and shes just like. whatever. and doesnt engage further. shes over it all and just keeps her head down#does alright on classwork with the new freeform structure and having been Aggressively tutored while with her mom#(and also by not being distracted by being an asshole)#and then one day theres an akuma and zoe is unavailable for Reasons but pollen took her miraculous and goes for the nearest available holder#chloe!! one room over at the hotel lol#and they have a sweet reunion and maybe chloe actually feels Guilty for how bad she fucked it up in the past#and also worries that the team wont trust her as queen bee (fair)#and pollen is like 'it seems like chloe has changed a lot.... maybe queen bee can change too :)'#i like the idea of chloe being a New bee hero and not queen bee again#at least at first. give her a few chances to prove herself and learn to trust herself again#get used to like. positive attention and being appreciated on a genuine level#and then she or butterflila or whoever reveals her identity and its a whole thing but it WORKS OUT FINE#and maybe zoe and chloe figure each others identities out and have like. split custody LMAO#or maybe pollen just operates on vibes who knows#anyway. i feel like theyre setting up 1. Banishing chloe for an indefinite length of time#which i think is smart. gives lila more room to work lol#but 2. i think shell at least try to have a redemption arc#like her weeping miserably at the end didnt feel like a triumphant comeuppance of a bully. it just felt like a sad teenage girl#i think itd be easy to write that scene to read more victorious than they did. i think that was a Choice#but idk chloe has had such a wild track record in this show#give her the black cat for a minute i dunno#ooh that's another wishlist item. randomized miraculous swap for an episode#anyway. apparently i had a lot to say about chloe bourgeois!
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I need to go. Store.
#i need another suit case#and i have to buy formal clothes. for the job that im getting fired from. like i literally only have one or two days left (they still#havnt actually told me the day l o l) but i have to fucking show up in formal clothes so that they can take pictures even though im not even#gonna BE there :(#i wanna get candy for my students too.#and i still need to have lesson plans for my last day.#my new job is live streaming so that should be fun but the set up gives me the hebbie jeebies cajse of past shit so im a little worried.#should be fine though.#im a little shook up. today. im hoping ill feel better.#life is quiet though. its calm.#but i need to pack all my shit up and clean.#my mom is coming in a week or so. she wont be here for Halloween thankfully#i dont know what to do with my self. idk if ive ever been this. awake. before.#usually i watch over the garden wall and make my self some soup or something on my birthday. and just do my best to ignore everything#but its just. its fine. ill be fine nothing js really that bad. it just feels that way.#oh im gonna go find some alter wrote forever ago i think that will help.#i need to go to the store#i miss a person whos never existed#maybe ill actually be able to settle in to my new job#i also want to start taking Mandarin lessons. but i keep forgetting
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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Did the stuff exchange 👍 that sucked 👍 wahoo
#speculation nation#i was very curt bc i just wanted to get it over with.#kinda wish id given her a piece of my mind but whatever#i did shut the door rather forcefully in her face. which hopefully said plenty.#and then i cried bc it just felt so Cold. a stark difference from the last time i saw her.#man ive come to accept it's probably for the best overall but the suddenness of it still sucks so bad.#also the 'i never actually loved you' thing. what an asshole thing to say.#she also missed one of the stuffed animals and it's one i wanted to have back Especially#bc it's a pair with one that i own. i want my little bee's axolotl friend back And i dont want her owning the other one of a pair.#she seemed to really love this deer before. said it gave her a lot of comfort to hug at night.#so i wanted it back especially too. i dont want her getting any more comfort from my prior affection for her.#i just hope that seeing me reminded her that im a real fucking person that she fucked over.#like yeah shes got her new 'love' yadda yadda yadda but she strung me along for 6 fucking months#then broke up with me over fucking TEXT. saying some incredibly insensitive things as she did so.#even if they were the truth. there are still some things that dont need said i think. especially to someone who has trust issues.#but most of all she shouldve fucking done it in person or At Least on the phone.#i told her plenty already how cowardly and horrible it was for her to break up with me over text#and i want to scream it from the rooftops and carve it into her tires#but i wont. because ive said it enough. and being too destructive wont make anyone happy.#not even me.#it just feels like such an injustice. and i feel so angry and hurt.#i can understand and accept that it's probably for the best that the relationship ended here#but that doesnt make the manner it was done hurt any less.#and jesus i thought i was the asshole for how i broke up with my girlfriend last year. at least i broke up with her in person!!!!#i didnt even get that. what a whole load of bullshit.#anyways im gonna play my samurai game. and focus the best i can on just moving on.
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty
#the golem and the jinni#i was scrolling goodreads and the take i kept seeing was 'oh I wish Arbeely could've had his family too bad the jinni FUCKED IT UP'#but idk that's just not how i read him. like thats not where i feel the problem is#his whole shtick is being content as the jinni's foil and like! things can change! but the way it's done leaves him totally unresolved#which in turn means the jinni's shit is also never getting resolved because there is like no way to#when Arbeely describes his future family in the first book it's all 'someday... vaguely...' and AGAIN! what you want can change!#and honestly it's really interesting and sad that he makes this sacrifice for the jinni#but it's a layer of complexity that like clashes with how little he is there for and how little the author's invested in him#and like the way the no marriage literally did not ruin his life at all... sure it sucked but the man is still like idk rich#what has continuously fucked with him throughout both books is that he wants (or at least spends half his page time thinking about)#emotional connection to the jinni in a human way#which is something the jinni cant\wont give him even though he's basically Arbeely's only close friend#(besides ig maryam who was rlly funny hinting at her dislike for the jinni like someone trying to get their friend to dump their toxic bf)#anyway the vibe in the first book is that he only thinks about wanting a wife when the jinni is being a dickhead#BECAUSE the jinni eases arbeelys loneliness by just being there because at the end of the day that's what humans need#but then it's made really weird in the second book by Arbeely getting 'trapped' by the jinni (and yet they just grow further apart)#which means that the only thing arbeely actually spent half his life discontent with and then literally died without is not a wife#it's emotional intimacy with the jinni. which is insane to me#arbeely is obviously already tragic but this seems TOO tragic entirely because the book doesn't give af about addressing it#if it was like a plot thing then all of the above would be fine and gutwrenching because it ties back into the jinnis self isolation#BUT IT'S NOT. like i get arbeely isn't that important to the plot but he was important to the jinni and the jinni was important to him#alsoo necessarily disclaimer i'm not trying to say he's in love with the jinni or anything like that#although a queer arbeely (divorced from the above idea) would also been interesting cuz I dont think the jinni has a grasp on homophobia#so idk theyd be keeping each others secrets (arbeely x the biscuit man? JOKE)#BUTTTT! I don't believe he needs romantic energy! him and the jinni having awful vibes up until arbeely's literal death is what bothers me#The jinni is a bad communicator ik but come on... not once? not even before the diagnosis? The jinni also thinks about how distant they are#could they not talk a little? for me? there are ways to do it within the bounds of their characters FOR SURE#im sure this is the point but i do dislike it either way. anyway sorry arbeely u remind me of my uncle#the hidden palace
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