#and im so miserable almost all the time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

quevadilla · 1 year ago

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can I just say how much I miss not having anxiety all the time

#legit went so fucking long without it being a constant in my life #and im so miserable almost all the time #(now at least)#fortunately have an appointment w my psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully we'll be able to discuss options #im hoping meds but maybe not?#also seeing my therapist this week so will def talk to her too #and like i know why its so strong tonight like im going back to work for the first time in about a week tomorrow and #we just hosted a few of my mom's spouse's friends for almost 2 whole weeks so lots of change #but i just miss not feeling ill or like im gonna cry all the time #queva irl #if you read all my tags n shit thanks for listening <3 i love all yall

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shadyhouse · 4 months ago

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if anyone is able to help me out i'd appreciate it, im still broke as hell. this month has been really difficult for me. i worked a total of 5 days all month and my bank account is in the negatives again after paying bills and getting some living essentials. i dont know how im going to pay my rent like this. i applied to a financial relief fund from a local trans advocacy group but it's going to be a few weeks until anything comes from that. if you have literally anything to spare it would help me out a lot 😭🙏 i feel bad ive been asking for help so often and i know everyone is struggling, im working on getting my life back in order but everything fucking sucks and is difficult right now :( even just spreading this is a huge help

pp: paypal.me/bewearrr vnm: tobias_leviathan

thank you 💕💕

#im looking for a new job but i dont think its gonna happen any time soon :( my current job is fucking miserable #im working on comms to the best of my ability but i can only draw so fast and i dont want to injure myself and its hard to stay motivated #when ur mental health is tanking so hard #my physical health has been tanking too like stress is getting to me so hard i fucking started a period out of nowhere #i havent menstruated in like 10 years legitimately #im so beyond stressed i have to stop myself from panicking all the time #i have a bunch of work coming up this week but its nowhere near full time #they schedule based 'on performance' when youre part time and since im only here one day a week and they put me at the station i hate--#the most its almost inevitable that theyre using this as a way to get me to not be there. i dont think my boss likes me very much.#bc then they can claim my performance isnt good BECAUSE YOU PUT ME ON THE TASK THAT IVE SAID FROM DAY ONE I DONT WANT TO DO

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osamucide · 2 months ago

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chronic pain vent in tags feel free 2 ignore

#EVERY time i flare up #i go down a rabbit hole of fibro comorbidities and remember i have literally all of them #almost every single tender point and textbook symptom #per the american college of rheumatology or whatever #panic disorder and migraine and mdd and a cocktail of other shit #every single one #can’t afford a doctor #anyone in a financial position to help me get a diagnosis/treatment doesn’t gaf #mom thinks all my problems are because i’m lazy unmotivated on my phone etc etc #i get treated like a dumb kid whining for attention anytime i mention my chronic pain #i’m so miserable #and then what do i do because im in pain! i relapse 🥰#i relapse over and over and over again 🥰🥰🥰#this shit is so stupid it’s almost funny #it hurts to breathe it hurts to move it hurts to lay down #gary i need a salary #tw vent #tw chronic pain #tw relaspe

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ghostcrows · 5 months ago

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me praying to get any kind of IT job and now just being so embarrassed that it happened because I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING? like you'd seriously think i would but i dont know a goddamn thing. a coworker watched me struggle to turn back on a monitor that went into sleep mode today. i couldnt find the fucking button on it. like i want to kill myself over that and i wish i was being funny but im being hilarious. they watch me fumble putting in my password on these 2000 goddamn websites i have to have accounts for for some reason AND they put me on the phone to squeak mousily at angry people who are calling for higher stakes problems than the library (but that part wasnt that bad bc most of them i got to just transfer the call)....i just want to SCREAM. i just want to scream because of the enormity of my incompetence. but its not even that serious. but it is. it is

#im making it sound hard but thats whats funny is it totally isnt. its so easy. its so easy im almost mad. its boring. ITS BORING!#and old guys keep telling me cutting my hair is 'part of growing up' i wanna gag.#and my coworker talks to me about 'guy stuff' that i wish i could have it in me to fucking care about. I HATE CARS!#i mean i do care about custom pcs. but IM STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT DESPITE WANTING TO BUILD ONE.#im making it also sound like im having a miserable time but its complicated #and its giving me like a gender crisis but not like im not trans just like i cant stop feeling like a failure at all things gender #FTM as in failgirl to man this guy sucks #if i was more secure in myself at all i wouldnt let shit like that even bother me. but it dooooooooeeeeeeees #i attained no confidence and im starting to think thats impossible at my ripe young old age #is it ok if i have a crisis and blog it. do we still do that here

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silversoulstardust · 1 year ago

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watching atarashii joushii wa do tennen for the BL but I'm amused at how accurately they portray traumatic work experience

a simple thing could be triggering

and yet it could easily be fixed with a kind gesture from a superior

#ive been working for almost a decade now and ive had a fair share of horrible bosses. so i sympathize with momose #the worst I've gotten was when i was still working under the government. i worked an average 80 hours per week and my boss at the time—#hated me and how vocal i was against his abuse (read: cutting off contract workers and passing the workload on the overworked paramedics)#so he digged out some shit on me from a year before (read: went on vacation outside the country without notifying the gov) and —#gave me an ultimatum: get transferred to another hospital or face disciplinary actions (and risk not furthering my study)#so i left #anyway. five years later shit works out just fine and im grateful for that. but it was depressing at the time #all the hard work I poured was wasted on the wrong people #oof im rambling too much #sorry bout that. still salty about that boss #i hope he's living a miserable life #chromie is watching #atarashii joushi wa do tennen #my new boss is goofy #momose kentarou #chrmz.txt

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chalupaconspiracy · 3 months ago

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#vent post #suicide tw #my go to response to everything can not be “i want to die.” like great #its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day #being in more pain #and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it #have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation #or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now #im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place #so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.

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melto · 11 months ago

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my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.

#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy #which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself #but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible #and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them #and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them #and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it #and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about #but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me #even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around #And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes #somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much #but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself #so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car #every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart #i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god #im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.#i think im going to throw up right now.#deeply pathetic.#news with isaac

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lucyvaleheart · 4 months ago

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#im tired and everything hurts #im alone here and i don't have enough energy to even sustain myself let alone reach out #reaching out rarely works anyway #...everything hurts so much and I've pushed through so much and it all still feels so.....brittle #like it could be torn from my grasp at any moment #and what even is it anyway #ostensibly i have it better than a lot of others #.....but im utterly miserable almost all the time #ive a death grip on this horrid existence claws sunk in so deep you'd think it was gold #but all I'm clinging to is more misery day after day after day without end #.............i don't see an end #i don't have any damn hope that anything will truly get better #I'll just....keep shoving my way through awful pain and misery for whatever rest of my life exists #................i don't even know why I'm doing this anymore #every inch of me is screaming to just curl up in a ball and stop interacting with the world and i just want to hide away and cry and #ffuck everything is so lonely i don't know what to do i can't do anything goddamnit #ii can't it's so hard everything is so fucking hard and it hurts and i just #.......f-fuck i just want someone to hold me for a few minutes and tell me it'll be worth it #fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck #...........I'm so fucking tired #..........i just want to stop.......

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savage-rhi · 1 year ago

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This certainly explains some recent shit...

#lmao #like 2021 all over again #caught covid the first time a week right before the vaccine rolled out and i was pissed #almost killed me too! that was a strange limbo to be in #to this day garlic and coffee taste the same they swap with each other sometimes #third times the charm i guess catching this bitch #I'm vaccinated so hopefully this won't be a bumpy ride #but this explains so. much. shit.#im used to my fibro flares being miserable but these aches and chest pains felt foreign #this is right up there with the anxiety I'd get over a pregnancy test if i wasn't fixed #2024 is testing me already

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the-kestrels-feather · 1 year ago

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I'm so tired of my mom.

So my dad made gumbo tonight because my sister is home and she LOVES it. which I also LOVE, and he puts big chunks of green peppers and onions in it, which I don't. I'm not a big vegetable person in general, but most I'll eat. I don't like green pepper, so I just pick it out. And I like onion but I don't like the big pieces so if they're too big I'll pick them out. And when I went to go out my dishes away she side eyes my pile of peppers and goes "this is ridiculous" in the most passive aggressive condescending tone and I just????? I'm sorry I've told you I don't like them?? I don't care that they "don't have a taste", I can taste them and it's also a texture thing?? Like??? I eat everything else in the gumbo, including the diced tomatoes, why the fuck does it matter leave me the fuck alone.

#personal #it's just little things like this that she does that remind me she has no use for me #and she keeos acting like im actively choosing to live here with her #bitch i hate it here!! im here because i dont have another option!! id rather live out of my fucking car than live here but I have no car!!#i would take not having anywhere to live over dealing with this!! but i dont have an option #so here i fucking am!!#i don't know what you want from me!! im fucking TRYING to get out of gere because I can't STAND living here!!#i hate it!!#i know this is a small thing i know that but its just. this and the not being allowed to have any opinion that contradicts hers and the #having her “generosity” touted in my face and the not being treated like an adult despite veing almost 25 but reminded im “gonna be 25 and #need to start acting like an adult“ and her just outright ignoring everything i say or do and the fact that i know no matter what i do itll #never be enough to please her and hearing about how sges so miserable all the time but does nothing to change it #and every other fucking thing about living with her that ive hated for the last 24 years #toxic parents #toxic mom #toxic mother

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applejongho · 1 year ago

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thinking about dropping a class 🤪🤡

#apple lady words #crying tw #im on the highest floor of the library ugly sobbing until my jacket and i dont have tissues so the snot and shit is all over and my face is #red and im so fucking miserable #this class is the one taught my doctors and it has not gotten better since the start of the sem #fast forward to week nine and here we are almost midterm time and i know like. fucking nothing. and neither does anyone else #like this class is the reason why ive been so fucking miserable all semester if i just didnt take it I'd be so much happier probably #idfk anymore lmao #i meant to say im on the highest *and quietest* floor of the library so I'm doing everything i can to not be loud and to shut up #🤪🤡🤡🤡🤡#i have like two more weeks to decide if i should drop or not and afterwards I'm stuck and i cant drop #🥴🥴🥴#lmao. anyways #tw negativity

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol