#like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

[mugiwara--ya]

the one time i actually think something thru before making a decision and all my past mistakes immediately come and fuck it up.

long ass post after the cut. if you read it that would be great. 

on 2013, when i was about to get out of highschool, i knew i wanted to study graphic design on this one institute.

my mom during my entire life always told me she wanted me to go into a ~traditional university~ (if youre chilean you’ll understand) and that institutes or private universities were out of discussion. so i gave up about the institute.

also my mom didnt want me to end up like her (a secretary who has earned pretty much the same her entire life and is perpetually in debt) so she wanted me to study something that would give me $$$money$$$. design? yeah RIGHT, she laughed at my fucking face and said i wont pay shit for that.

so i got into international business, into a university that literally sucks dick but is supposedly “good” because its a traditional fucking university. but everybody knows it sucks dick lol. i got a scholarship that covered pretty much the entire cost of it (i was paying $40.000 clp monthly, about $64 usd) . but i hated it. i wasted two entire years on it. till one day i was trying to write a fucking essay or something and i finally snapped and said i dont wanna be here. i hate this. fuck this. im not doing this anymore. i was fucking miserable.

then i realized it was too late to register to take the test™ (a standardized test everyone who wants to get into a traditional university has to take, it’s once a year and you gotta register and even pay for it if youre taking it a second time) and my previous score wouldnt get me anywhere (spoiler: it was shit) so i thought. but hey they do design here. i can just transfer to that career internally so i dont have to take the test. im a fuckin genius. like literally i didnt really think about it for more than like. half an hour lmao

so i called my mom. ya know what she said? “I KNEW YOU WOULDNT LAST”. she knew i wasnt made for that career. she knew i fucking hated it. and she just watched me collapse without saying shit. without saying hey if you wanna change your career i wont be mad. she just waited to see how long i would take it. at the moment i was like oh thank god you aint mad. but now i look back and. just how fucking sadistic can my mom be lmfao. anyway.

same university different career. i went into design into that university without knowing how good or bad it actually was. because i didnt really have a choice (though i did. if only i wasnt scared to death about getting into an institute. actually no: about ASKING MY MOM if i could get into an institute) and i got an even better benefit: i was studying for completely fucking FREE. and hey how could you know. the career was SHIT. it made me HATE what i did. i was even more miserable than before because all my life i knew i was gonna end up on design. and i was terrible at it. i hated myself because i was studying for free and i couldnt stop fucking it up. my mental health was shit. i collapsed. i failed everything and i dropped out first year. my mom never knew. she still doesnt know i dropped out.

but hey that was because im fucking lazy and depressed right. that happened because i didnt have my meds for like a month. of course i was going to fail. so i tried again. same career same university, different year. THIS year.

same story. 

except this time i was like no you know what? i’m not even that depressed anymore, i did my best, and i still cant fucking make it, i still hate what im doing but i still love design. so i asked around, i asked if the career was really that bad. turns out everyone knows its shit lmao

so i wanted to drop out- except they had already kicked me out bc i had failed too many times LMAO

this was on july this year. and i started investigating and asking around. for the first time in my entire life i started thinking about my education without thinking “what will my mom say”. because FUCK what she thinks. trying to make her happy has given me nothing but pain. ive wasted FOUR YEARS of my life trying to make her happy, going to a piece of SHIT university JUST BECAUSE ITS A ~TRADITIONAL~ ONE.

so FUCK THAT.

and guess what

im currently enrolled in graphic design. on the institute i first wanted to go. because guess what. ITS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES TO STUDY GRAPHIC DESIGN. AND I KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING.

so this semester ive been doing a whole bunch of nothing and classes start on march. im currently bored to death. but anyway

thing being, no one has told me yet if i’ll be able to renew my benefits. ive asked around and still, not a single social worker has been able to tell me. my previous university’s social worker first told me she would “email me” the info. never happened. i kept sending emails and going there trying to get some answers, nothing. i was told by another social worker that i should apply again just in case, though i should be renewing, so i did. today the “results” came out: i still have no fucking clue.

i dont know if ill have to bury myself in debt. i dont know if ill have to pay for it. i dont know if ill be able to renew my benefits and keep studying for free or at least for less. and its fucking me up. im stressed, im anxious, i just.

i just wanna study in peace and im so angry that ive wasted so many years learning nothing and wasting benefits on careers i didnt even want to be in just to make my mom happy. im so fucking angry at myself, and at her. the other day i told her all of this and she has the NERVE of saying “OH SO ITS ALL MY FAULT THEN?!” LIKE BITCH YES! ITS ALL, EVERYTHING, YOUR FUCKING FAULT. THESE FOUR FUCKING YEARS THESE HAVE ALL BEEN YOUR. FUCKING. FAULT.

so yeah i want to kill myself lmfao if you read till here sorry but i got nothing to give you but it means a lot. if you read this pls like this post lol