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pboogerswbb · 1 day ago

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SO IT GOES - chapter 1

Paige Bueckers x oc Warnings: language, drinking Wordcount: 5.4K A/C: another pregame treat!! need my girls to deliver tonight!! anyways, here is chapter one, this one is about to start a little slower and i'm sorry about that but i promise it'll pick up and get more interesting, i got big plans for this one y'all!! anyway please leave feedback/thoughts/reviews whatever for me, i love them :)

Before London

The Dallas roads are busy, stretching out for miles out into the horizon as I stare out the window. My lungs craved fresh air, itching to open it. But I knew the air outside would bring no such relief, the humidity of this time of year already bringing me one step closer to packing my bags and making my way back to Connecticut. Everyone told me to turn the AC on, but I was much too stubborn and stuck in my ways. My dad would have come over himself and turn it off if he knew I was considering turning it on in April - much too early for his liking.

I had been here for a week now, seven long days. Each one making me more homesick. I missed my girls. I missed my team. I missed the normal weather and the East Coast. It was so bad I was on the phone with my dad every night, complaining. I knew as much as he loved me, he was getting sick of it.

“Paige, let’s figure this out,” Britt’s voice comes through the speaker phone, five garment bags sent by her laid out on the bed, ready to be opened.

“What do you even wear to this sorta thing?” I ask, speaking into the phone. My hands are opening one bag after another.

“Baby I dunno, you just gotta pick something. What kinda vibe do you wanna give off?” Brittany asks sweetly as I place my phone on the bed in front of me, pulling my shirt off over my head.

“I can’t think, it’s too hot,” I complain, rubbing my face. “I hate it here, wanna come back.”

“Paige, you gotta push through this. Try and look at it differently, at least you like your teammates!”

I whine and lie down, my back hitting the soft cotton of the sheets. “Do you think they’d let me take my sixth year?”

“Oh my gosh girl you gotta pull yourself together,” Brittany laughs, which in turn makes me laugh too. I knew I was being dramatic, my team was great, the coaching staff seemed amazing. But it was my first time living alone, I didn’t know what to do with myself and all this energy I had. I felt like I was two days away from jumping off the walls.

Lou and Arike had both taken me under their wing, and the few joint practices we’d had with the team the past week seemed promising. Not good, but like there might be potential for something with hard work. I was well taken care of and grateful for it, but the thing is at Uconn I was spoiled. I got to live with my best friends. To spend every moment with them, get on their nerves and not worry because in the end they were my sisters.

“Where are you going?” Britt asks.

“Some sorta steakhouse,” I answer, rubbing my eyes.

“Boujee or like… Texas?”

I snort, grabbing the phone from beside me.

“It’s a nice place I heard. But Rike been here for so long she mighta forgot what nice is,” I joke sitting back up.

“Then go with the blue bag.”

Unzipping it, I find a pair of black shorts, and an oversized dark green crewneck sweatshirt.

“Ion know about this Britt it’s a lil… boring,” I mumble looking over the outfit. When did I last wear dark green anyway.

“That’s why you dress it up girl! Wear a collared shirt under it, put on some chains, some nice shoes, trust it’ll fit the vibe, you don’t wanna be doing too much. Have I ever let you down?”

I sigh. I could see the vision the moment she started talking. “No you have not,” I reply. “I gotta start getting ready. Thanks again.”

“Anytime Paige,” she answers and we hang up. I know silence can’t echo, but it’s so overwhelming it almost feels like that’s exactly what it’s doing. Storrs was always loud, lively. Now I had it so bad I was even missing KK’s neverending rambling.

Quickly putting on a playlist to get rid of the aching pressure on my chest, I begin to get ready, rapping along to a Drake song loudly - but who cares I live alone now. I sleek back my hair, pinning it into a bun - the one hairstyle I knew how to do. I put on some diamond studs, and take my time picking accessories, choosing just the right silver rings to match the chain on my neck, a cross hanging from it. Of course, Brittany had been right. The outfit was great, not too much for a nice restaurant but still totally me.

“Shit,” I mumble to myself when I check the time, realising Lou must be waiting on me downstairs. Grabbing a white cross-body bag I run out the door, quickly making my way down where, just like I thought, the brunette was waiting, tapping on the steering wheel impatiently.

“Sorry I’m late,” I yelp climbing into the passenger seat. Since I barely knew Dallas, Lou had decided it was best if she drove both of us.

Shaking her head, the girl driving merges onto the road swiftly. “Not gonna be making a good impression if we bring our rookie to the party late,” Lou complains.

I scoff, leaning back against the seat and tapping on the back of my phone, feeling butterflies grow in my abdomen. I knew I made good first impressions, that people seemed to like me. I wasn’t called the ultimate rizzler for nothing. But it was still daunting, I was about to meet all the people who worked behind the team, behind me just so we could do what we do.

The past week had been so strange.The change in dynamic was drastic. I had become so used to being the older one, the one to call the shots, to have so much wisdom to give. Almost naively so. All of a sudden I was back to being the baby - the one who didn’t know anything, who had to depend on others. I thought I was prepared. But the transition was hard to navigate. I didn’t quite know how to act, if I was honest.

“Yo chill, I’m not even that late,” I chuckle lightheartedly, looking out the car window, my eyes trying to find something worth changing my mind about Dallas for.

“Ten minutes is too much, we gotta pick up Rike too,” Lou complains, hands on the wheel. It was only April but the humidity made it feel like summer. “Were you late talking to that girl?”

“What girl?” I ask.

“That girl from last night!” Lou laughs, elbowing me.

I shrug, like I had no clue what she was talking about. A complete lie. I hadn’t been thinking straight ever since I saw her.

“Ohh you mean that girl downstairs!” I say sarcastically. The brunette next to me sees right through it though.

“Never heard your voice get so quiet and shaky I swear,” Lou says, a blush setting on the apples of my cheeks thinking back to last evening. “You were fully stuttering.”

“No way bro!” I groan, biting my lower lip so as to not laugh. Though I knew better. I was definitely stuttering.

I hadn’t seen much of the girl, just her face poking through the door into the hallway. But something about her took my breath away, I couldn’t look anywhere else. It was Lou finally elbowing me that made me realise I had been staring at the dark haired girl. She was so beautiful it physically pained me to look away, but with a struggle, I had done so.

But then she spoke. And if I wasn’t trembling before, the lilt of her voice had me weak in the knees immediately. It was deep, yet simultaneously sweet. Nevermind the accent that hadn’t left my head all night. Lou made fun of me relentlessly all night because apparently, my voice was shaking when I talked to her. I think she was full of shit.

“You were, I don’t blame you,” the brunette murmurs. “She was hot.”

I kiss my teeth, looking out the window. “Don’t matter, she could be Zendaya and I still wouldn’t get into all that.”

Lou looks bewildered, eyes flickering between me and the road.

I grin at her, shaking my head. “Nah I’m staying celibate. Scout’s honor. Got me that Natty last season.”

It was true. For the first time last season I had not been involved with any girl - and it worked out pretty well in the end. It got me the ring. Adapting to a new team, new city, new life was already hard enough without fucking around. Girls had a way of making everything complicated.

“You? Celibate?” Lou asks, her tone skeptical. I suppose she remembers a different Paige from when we were both Huskies. I had changed a lot though, grown up.

“Trust,” I nod as we park in front of a nice apartment building, Arike making her way out and into the car.

“Yo,” she greets us, and I nod into the rearview mirror, meeting her gaze.

“Sup my rookie!” Arike grins and squeezes my shoulder. “You ready for tonight?”

“Aren’t we just gonna eat and go home?” I ask but Lou and Rike are quick to shake their heads.

“Nah these things don’t end till late, we know how to party here you know what I’m sayin?” The girl in the back grins.

“Don’t blame you, nothing else to do here,” I complain half-jokingly.

“Yooo not too much. You’ll grow to like it,” Arike laughs, grabbing her phone. “Just don’t drink everything people offer you today, got it?”

“Yeah, everyone’s gonna be trying to get you drunk,” Lou chuckles. “My rookie year they had me almost blacked out.”

“Almost? You were blacked out. We had to carry you to bed.”

I laugh and sigh, rubbing my jaw, my nerves stirring within my abdomen. “Great.”

The restaurant is buzzing with people, an entire second floor reserved just for the Dallas Wings employees. Arike, Lou and I show up fashionably late, but to my pleasant surprise everyone’s too busy huddling around the bar, lining up for drinks. I smooth over my green sweatshirt, already feeling the heat get to me. How the hell was I supposed to dress for weather like this? It wasn’t even summer yet.

I walk over to Satou, who’s grinning widely at me.

“Look at you, our baby rookie. Let’s get you a drink!” She smiles convincingly. I glance at Arike and Lou behind me, snickering amongst themselves already. So it begins.

“Feels wrong to drink at a team event like this,” I tell the taller girl, guiding me towards the bar. I was more used to sneaking drinks into hotel rooms, doing our best to hide them from the coaching staff. Guess this is what growing up feels like.

“Nah, don’t worry. Everyone’s chill here,” Satou laughs and orders us two beers before I have the opportunity to interrupt and ask for a Shirley. Reluctantly I grab the beer, cheering with the girl next to me.

“To the saviour of the Wings!!” She jokes and I roll my eyes, shaking my head.

“Sorry, but could you check if they are Manzanilla olives?”

The accent. I immediately turn my back on Satou, my body working before my mind can as my eyes scan the room. And then I see her. The girl from the apartment underneath mine.

She’s standing at the other end of the bar, holding a black clutch in her hand as she talks with the bartender. Her dark hair is down, in perfect waves, not one strand out of order. The dress she’s wearing isn’t red, but more maroon, shade matching the red of her lipstick to the hilt. The one-shoulder dress leaves her left one completely bare, and the golden jewelry sitting against her light brown skin makes her sparkle in the moody lighting. No words would do justice, I know that much. My knees nearly buckle at the sight of her. This strange girl whose name I didn’t even know, yet kept haunting my existence here in Dallas.

“Oh they’re not? Then nevermind the martini, could I just get a glass of Chardonnay please?”

If I had been nervous before, then it was nothing compared to the way my stomach was stirring now. Which is insane considering I didn’t even know this girl’s name. Hell, I better just avoid her tonight. I’m not on my a game. I should just keep my distance.

“Paige! That’s the girl!” Lou is half whispering, half screaming over the crowd, incredibly obviously pointing at the dark haired girl. To my relief she doesn’t notice, too busy swirling the wine in her glass around and sniffing it.

“Shut up,” I mouth to Lou as she walks up to me, Arike on her tail.

“What girl?” Arike whispers, already eyeing every woman over my shoulder.

I give Lou a look, widening my eyes and telling her to keep her mouth shut. But of course, it fails. I had no power here.

“We ran into this hot girl in Paige’s building yesterday and Paigey here got all shy and nervous.”

Arike bursts out laughing, and I’m pretty sure my face was going completely pink at this point. So I sip half of my beer quickly, letting the girls get over their laughing fit.

“You done?” I ask in annoyed, eyeing the girls.

Gasping for air, Arike nods and grins at me. “Well go get her.”

“She can’t, she’s celibate,” Lou answers. The shorter girl standing next to her scoffs, clearly finding amusement in that.

“Yeah, good luck with that. You’re the new hooper in town, gon’ be drowning in pussy. I was,” she says, sipping her beer. “The rookie year is crazy.”

“Oh trust, she was drowning in it at Uconn too-”

“Okay okay, chill guys,” I interrupt the conversation, Satou standing next to us quietly and chuckling to herself.

“So which one is it?” Arike asks. Glancing over my shoulder I see the girl from downstairs talking to some guy around the same age as her. Just as I’m about to point her out, Satou and Arike are waving that exact guy over.

“Yo Trey!! My guy!!”

All of a sudden he’s walking over with her. I feel my face going red, my breathing growing ragged, my eyes quickly flicking to the floor. She was like the sun, as much as I wanted to I couldn’t look directly at her - it might blind me.

“What’s up, my favourite girls!” The guy - Trey, apparently - says brightly and dabs all of them up.

“Ahh and the prodigy!” He grins, turning to me. I lick my lower lip and smile back, offering my hand. “I’m the guy with the camera, you’ll see me around. Trey.”

I dab him up, ignoring the tingling on the left side of my body where the dark haired girl is standing, evidently feeling as awkward as I was. Except she was better at hiding it, looking around the room with an air of confidence.

“Well I’m the one with the basketball, you’ll know where to find me. I’m Paige,” I flash him my most charming smile. Everyone laughs at my joke, except the girl beside me. I quickly decide that perhaps getting drunk wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

“Oh this is Zari, she’s new from England, Linda finally hired someone to work on the social media shit,” Trey explains, pointing to the girl between me and him. I blink stupidly when I look at her. Somehow she was more beautiful up close which made my throat feel tighter. I quickly sip my beer again, looking to the ceiling. Fuck, pull yourself together. I wasn’t this superficial - feeling like this just because someone was hot. Who knows, she might be the worst person you’ve ever met.

“That would be me, hi!” She says when I realise I was barely listening to Trey before, completely not making note of her name. She shakes everyone’s hand, smiling kindly. Fuck, are my hands sweaty? Better wipe them on my shorts first. I gotta make eye contact - I’m sure a couple seconds will be enough. It might be all I can bear.

The girl turns to me, her right hand extended. I glance at it, gripping it gently. Her hand shake is surprisingly firm, but I barely notice, feeling as if my skin is on fire. The moment our eyes meet I look away, knowing that everyone and their mothers could tell I was blushing right now.

“I forgot your name,” is all that comes out of my mouth, so clumsily I wanna hide behind the bar and never come out when I realise how rude it sounded.

To my shock she’s not taken aback at all by my bluntness, instead holding herself with an almost regal air. I wasn’t sure if I was intimated or turned on - either way I was overcome with a desperate need to make her like me. Surely I was off to a horrible start.

Our eyes meet again. Hers are dark green, deep and rich like the pine trees back home. I can feel myself wanting to sink in deeper, to bask in their familiarity. To feel the sting of cold air and smell the snow falling from the sky and to bask in the scent of pine all over me. Before I know it I notice her glossed lips move, but my ears barely pick anything up. An I? And I think there was an A at the end? You gotta be kidding me.

“I- Ivanna?” I stutter. She chuckles softly, as the others around us snicker amongst themselves. Bitches.

“No, darling, let’s try again,” she smiles, her tone so sweet it’s bordering on condescending. I fucking swoon at it. “Izara.”

I nod, not sure if the heat on my face is from how hot and humid it was inside the restaurant, or from the public humiliation in front of this gorgeous girl. I chuckle mostly to myself, rubbing my jaw and looking around to break eye contact finally. Far too distracting.

“Izara,” I repeat, noticing Satou, Arike, Lou and some of the others laughing at my clumsy behaviour. I was just begging Izara didn’t make note of why I was acting a fool.

“Zari is better,” the brunette says, a slight teasing tone to her voice. I breathe heavily out my nose, trying to get the blush to settle from my cheeks.

“Zari, got it.”

“Took you long enough,” Arike teases, making everyone laugh, except Zari who just smiles at me.

“Guys, not all of us are used to the Texas heat. It messes with your head,” she says with enough authority in her voice to make everyone around us stop laughing and give me sympathetic looks.

“Uhh yeah, it’s hot,” I answer bluntly, my voice shaking a little as I rub my neck. On top of the mess I was, I could feel myself sweating. I have to get home as fast as possible. Or not home. But back to the apartment I was staying in for now, until the moment I could go back home to the East Coast.

“Shit, I’m Paige by the way,” I say, realising I never introduced myself to Zari. She scoffs, waving me off.

“Paige, it’s my job to know who you are,” she points out. It’s funny, and I want to laugh. But nothing comes out of my mouth, I’m simply unable to, her proximity leaving me completely discombobulated. So I just sip my beer.

“Right.”

Paige Bueckers hates me. The moment she met me I could tell. Maybe she was offended by the fact I didn’t recognise her last night. Figures, a star like her would have a huge ego. Still, I had one job tonight. To make her like me. And I had done the exact opposite. I could tell by the way she avoided my gaze, the way she barely wanted to shake my hand, abruptly pulling it away from my grip. She barely talked to me, wrapped up in a conversation with everyone besides me. I couldn’t afford to disappoint my boss, if I did it would be bye bye Dallas and hello London.

I’m sitting between Trey and another colleague, Ava, both caught up in a lively conversation as I cut a piece of my steak, wrapping my lips around the fork and chewing on it. Glancing up from my plate, I see Paige throwing her head back as she laughs with her teammates, her entire demeanor so much more lively now that I wasn’t close to her. A slight irritation was growing in me, watching the carefree way she’s joking around with the people around her part of the long table. Who was she to make up her mind on whether she liked me so fast. I was the kind of person you grew to love. I’m sure she would as well.

“Okay everybody!” Curt Miller stands up clinking his glass with the cutlery. Suddenly everyone goes quiet, including the blonde. For a second our eyes meet, sending a strange jolt around my body. Blinking, I shift my gaze to the man, clearly ready to give a speech.

“Alright alright,” he laughs, “I just wanna thank everyone for coming here tonight. I was never good at these so let me keep it short. This is gonna be a big, exciting year and I’m so grateful to the Wings for giving me this opportunity. I know I’m a new face to some of you, but I’m in great company,” he grins and points to Paige. “And Linda here mentioned something about a new media employee too!”

Like on cue Linda stands up a few chairs to the right of me, nodding. “Yes Curt, we’ve got some young blood to help this year all the way from England. Izara here, should help us grow our social media reach.”

I smile, trying to focus on appearing together and poised, some people glancing towards me.

“Awesome news!” Curt grins as Linda sits back down. “With two young talents I’m sure we’re gonna have a hell of a year,” he says, glancing at both me and Paige. I see Arike rub Paige’s shoulder, clearly excited and happy about how the lottery turned out for the Wings this year.

“Now since I’m boring everyone out of their minds why don’t you two say a few words.”

Pause. I feel a panic rise from somewhere deep in my abdomen. Don’t get me wrong, I had no issue with public speaking, no issue with performing. What I did have an issue with was improvising. I was the girl who planned, who made lists, who used to finish her essays the day before a deadline. With a plan I was golden, but to expect me to say anything, planless, was causing jitters. I was just hoping it didn’t show on my face.

Mine and Paige’s eyes meet, and I immediately know that I wasn’t as composed as I wanted to be. That she knew I was panicking. Bet this is just gonna make her hate me more.

Instead, to my surprise, she clears her throat and begins speaking with an easy confidence.

“Uh well, way to throw us under the bus Curt,” she jokes, immediately making everyone chuckle, including me. “Guess I know what kinda season this is about to be.” Another round of laughs around the table giving her time to scratch the back of her neck as she thinks. With a slight smirk on her face she continues.

“This is a big moment for me. I grew up with the sport, already knew I had a chance to go pro when I was eight. I’ve been waiting for a while to get to the league and to finally be here… It’s surreal. I feel really blessed, really grateful,” she says looking at her plate and then letting out a sly, quiet laugh. “Crazy that I’m drinking with the coaching staff right there, I’m so used to having to hide it.”

I chuckle with the rest of the group. There’s something about her, a smoothness, a charm that makes it impossible not to like her. Even improvising like this she seems completely in control, like she knows she’s got everyone wrapped around her finger. It’s impressive. I can’t look away.

“Geno didn’t let you drink?” Curt asks lightheartedly, making Paige’s blue eyes widen.

“He would’ve put belt to ass, lemme just say that.”

More laughter. Paige looks around meeting my gaze.

“Zari, I know you got that cold right? So maybe I should just speak for you so you have a voice tomorrow?”

Huh? I furrow my brows looking at her confused, but her eyes won’t budge, boring into mine. And then I realise. She’s trying to let me off the hook.

“Yes please,” I smile back, looking down to my lap. Something about the way she did that all for me, picked up on my nerves, found a way to get me out of it, was making my insides flip. You wouldn’t do that for someone you hate I suppose.

“I gotchu,” Paige grins, looking back to everyone around the table. “I think we’re both just really grateful for the opportunity and really excited for the season. Anyway, thanks guys.”

Everyone claps and I do too, my heart warming at the way Paige Bueckers had just saved me.

“Wait, you're sick?” Trey whispers.

“Uh, a little.”

“Hope you feel better Zari!” Ava says as I wave bye, walking towards the exit.

“Thanks guys, I’m sure I will,” I say, knowing I felt just fine. Great even, after a few glasses of wine. As I step out into the evening, I hold my fur coat in my hands, too hot to put it on. To my surprise I see Paige standing right outside the restaurant, scrolling on her phone. Interrupted by the tapping of my heels, she lifts her gaze, the intensity of her blue eyes surprising.

“Hey,” she smiles, avoiding looking at my face again. She was really giving me mixed signals.

“Hi there,” I say, walking closer. “Thanks for rescuing me earlier.”

She looks at the parking lot, a sly smirk spreading across her face.

“Nah, you’re good,” the blonde grins, diamond studs in her ears sparkling. “Not a fan of speeches?”

I shrug, taking that as an invite for conversation. “No I can certainly be… If you give me approximately two weeks to prepare. Minimum.”

Paige chuckles, nodding to herself. “You’re that kinda girl huh?”

“Desperately so.”

She shifts on her feet, looking for something to say.

“That’s a good trait to have, I try to plan too but usually doesn’t last for longer than a week or two,” she explains. I nod knowingly.

“My brother’s a bit like that,” I sigh. I was already missing him.

Paige turns to me, looking for my gaze.

“You got a brother?”

I nod, “Yeah, he’s younger. Your age.”

She’s taken aback. “Hollup how old are you?”

“Turned 25 last month.”

“Damn,” she says before thinking. I scoff, my eyes widening, though finding amusement in her reaction

”Are you calling me old?” I ask with a serious tone, her face immediately going bright red.

”No, no no, not at all. You look… great. Amazing, and like. That’s not even old, I'm just trippin’. I just assumed you were my age but like a year is nothin-” she rambles, tripping over her words.

”Paige I’m taking the piss,” I laugh. She stops, looking at me confused.

”You’re what?”

Oh right, Americans. ”I’m joking around.”

She laughs. ”Taking the piss?”

I laugh too, the air immediately easing between us.

”I’mma start using that,” Paige chuckles, glancing at me.

”You’re welcome,” I grin.

She scoffs. ”I didn’t say thank you.”

”You should,” I demand, more seriously, meeting her blue eyes. She immediately folds, blinking her long lashes.

”Thank you.”

I suddenly feel hot, warmth rising to my cheeks. I quickly look back to the ground, the intensity of her gaze too much right now.

”Hey, uh… I think we live in the same building,” she murmurs, watching the sky. Shit, she had recognised me, of course.

”Yeah… I’m sorry I didn’t recognise you. I really should have,” I quickly explain, feeling a little abashed but trying not to let it show.

”No, I just meant, I ordered an Uber. You need a ride?”

Oh. So she wasn’t mad. She was offering me a ride.

”I’d love one. Are you sure?”

”Totally,” Paige answers, smiling at me softly. She fans her own face, trying to find any relief for the heat.

”Shit it’s hot,” the blonde groans. ”Do you mind if I take this off? I got a shirt underneath.”

”Oh, no go ahead darling,” I tell her.

With a sigh, Paige’s hands grip the back of her green sweatshirt, pulling it over her head. As she does my eyes can’t help it, flickering over her lower abdomen where both shirts have hiked up, showing a sliver of pale skin and black boxers peeking out of her shorts. Something about it makes my throat go dry. I’m not exactly sure what. The feeling almost unfamiliar to me.

”That’s so much better,” Paige groans with relief, fixing the white oversized button up, chains resting against her chest. I feel my ears growing hot, quickly averting her gaze.

She’s not horrible, on top of being gorgeous she’s fucking great - funny, sweet, charismatic. Would be so much easier if Zari was an asshole like I had hoped earlier. I could feel butterflies in my stomach every time she looked at me. That familiar warmth that I knew too well.

We walk to the Uber together, and I make sure I open the door for her - I didn’t know her that well, but I could tell she was classy. On a whole different level than me.

I climb in after her, unbuttoning more of my shirt for some airflow. For a second I think I catch her staring, but I knew it was unlikely. She was definitely giving me straight girl vibes. Of course my stupid ass was ogling after a straight girl - nothing new to me. My eyes immediately land on her thighs, her legs crossed and pressing together as she sits next to me. Okay, get a grip Paige.

”So… How you liking Dallas?” I ask, unable to take the silence in the car.

”I haven’t seen much of it, just moved the other day,” she answers, her voice low but smooth, I could’ve listened to her talk all night. ”It’s very humid.”

”Damn that jetlag gotta be hitting hard huh?” I ask, looking at her.

��I look tired?” She asks, offended. An immediate panic takes over, my hands gripping the sweater in my hands. Shit.

”No you look fucking great. I would’ve never th-”

”Paige. I’m joking.”

Oh. I let out a sigh of relief, chuckling awkwardly. I look out the window, shaking my head at myself. I really needed to chill.

”Taking the piss?”

She lets out a loud, bright laugh, grabbing my forearm. The gold rings on her digits sparkle as her long, manicured nails dig into the white shirt. Immediate goosebumps rising underneath on my skin tell me I’m completely fucked.

“Exactly!” She gleams, her smile wide. “You did so good.”

That. I need to hear her say that again. I clear my throat to interrupt the bad thoughts, feeling Zari’s hand move off me, skin tingling as the weight of her touch lifts.

We pull up to our apartment building, both of us climbing out.

“I can transfer you some money for the ride,” Zari suggests as I let her into the building, eyes falling on her ass just for a second. Okay, no. Look away.

“No, Ion need you to,” I tell her sternly as we begin to climb up the flights of steps, her heels tapping against the tile of the floor. The sound echoes off the walls until we stop by her front door, silence draping over us, making me painfully aware of the way my heart was pounding in my chest.

“Well,” Zari smiles, turning to me, her green eyes even more prominent with the dark makeup surrounding them. Only then I notice how catlike they are, sharp and alert. Challenging almost.

I wanna say something smart, something witty. Something to make her laugh, or blush. I’m rummaging through my brain for anything coherent at least.

“I’ll see you at work,” she says, opening her door. I was running out of time.

“You’ll know where to find me,” I stupidly let out. Zari turns to look at me one more time and nods.

“Don’t stomp too loud please.”

With that she gets in, leaving me there with nothing to do but blink at the closed door and notice the flutters around my stomach. Rubbing my jaw, I slowly climb up one more flight of stairs, mind spinning around the girl. Completely, utterly out of my league. It only made me want her more.

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potatoplace · 2 days ago

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I Don't Feel Alive

The Afterthought: Chapter 4 | series masterlist

ACOTAR x Archeron!Reader

part 3 | part 5 | ACOTAR x reader masterlist

Story Summary: Starfall means dress shopping, and dress shopping means spending time with Nesta and Elain... the celebration is its own set of challenges that you struggle with.

Warnings: Body shaming, toxic family, slight disordered eating, suicidal ideation, self-deprecating thoughts (let me know if I missed anything)

Words: ~9.2k

Author's Note: it's heeeere I didn't get quite as far into the story as I wanted, but this was a good cut off point too. I really hope you guys like this one! I don't think I made it quite angsty enough, but there's still some. Plus a lil fluff to start. Enjoy! p.s. let me know who you think Y/N will end up with! Or anything else you have to say 🫶

18+ only pls

🤍🤍❣️🤍🤍

Your dreams were soft and fuzzy, filled with hazy scenes of you laying in bed and cuddling with your sisters, just like you had every night so long ago.

Waking felt similar, your body cocooned by soft blankets and warm arms, your own wrapped around someone's torso. You took a deep breath before opening your eyes, blinking them a few times to adjust to the sunlight filtering in through the curtains.

Mor's face was laying on the pillow in front of you, still relaxed with sleep. She looked even prettier like this, without stress and her busy schedule hanging over her.

You slowly unwrapped your arms from around her, taking care to not wake her. She deserved the extra sleep, with how much time she was going to be spending in the Hewn City through the end of the year.

You rolled onto your back, Mor's arms tightening around you as you did. It felt nice, being held again. In the past two years, you had forgotten how lovely it was to wake up feeling safe, snuggled up with your sisters.

The sound of Mor's soft, even breaths nearly lulled you asleep, before your eyes flew open.

Shoot! You had forgotten Nuala and Cerridwen's Solstice presents...

Mor's arms were gently pried from your body, which was harder to do than you had anticipated, but you managed without waking her.

You pulled on a dressing gown and quietly grabbed the two bags containing their presents. Your bedroom door snicked shut behind you, and you padded down the hallway, down the stairs, and to their bedroom. One knock had the door swinging open, this time greeted by Cerridwen.

"Y/N? Did you need something?" The wraith asked, her eyes widening slightly when she saw the presents in your hand. "Oh, you didn't have to do that, Y/N," she said, letting you into their room.

"But I wanted to, both of you have been so wonderful to me. And I already got them for you, so you have to open them," you insisted, placing each bag in their new owner's hands.

Nuala shook her head but opened her present anyways, a wide smile overtaking her face. "This is wonderful Y/N! Oh and you even got me metal threads, how did you know?!" The wraith embraced you tightly in her arms.

"And you remembered me complaining about my needles, oh mother, Y/N, you are the most thoughtful person!" Cerrdiwen exclaimed, stealing you from her sister's arms. "You will be the first person I make something for," she said after she loosened her hold on you.

"You don't need to do that..."

Cerridwen looked at you sharply. "Yes I do, and I will. Would you prefer a hat or scarf first? Oh, I'll just make you both," she finished, not giving you time to answer.

"Thank you in advance, I suppose," you said, blush dusting your cheeks. "I'm glad both of you liked your gifts."

"Of course we do! You pay so much attention to what you buy for people, it's so sweet," Nuala said kindly.

A heavier blush rose to your cheeks at their sweet words. "I just like to make people happy. Speaking of which, I should get back to Mor-"

"Back to me? But I'm right here!" Mor said brightly from behind you, causing you to jump in shock. "Sorry, Y/N, did I scare you?" Mor's arms wrapped around you from behind. "You left me, so I came down to find you. Want to do breakfast before everyone returns?"

You nodded in agreement, but turned your eyes to the twins. "Do you want to join us?"

"I'd love to," Nuala said, and Cerridwen nodded her head before replying the same.

"Girls' breakfast! Let's go!" Mor exclaimed, pulling you out of the twins' room, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

The twins trailed behind at a less excited pace, and met the two of you in the kitchen as Mor was pulling food out of the cold box. Bacon, sausages, eggs, broccoli, and cheese were taken out, and the four of you began making breakfast- most likely too much food for the four of you, but Mor insisted that once Cassian had returned he would eat any food that was left over.

You provided the tea, rushing upstairs to pick out an orange and ginger tea.

Breakfast with the three of them was lovely, only kind words and soft smiles being exchanged between you. It was much more peaceful than most of the meals you had taken at the dining table, and for that you were grateful.

Your sisters, their mates, and Azriel returned while the four of you were still gathered round the table, talking over the last of the second pot of tea you'd made.

"Good morning, ladies," Rhys said as he slipped into one of the chairs, pulling a glowing Feyre into his lap a moment later. "Did you have a good breakfast?"

You nodded in response, but it was Mor who spoke. "Yes, in a team effort we made far too much food. What about you lot?"

"It was good, but there wasn't enough," Cassian complained as he sat down, plucking a piece of bacon off of a plate. You smiled at his antics, you'd always found it funny how the male never seemed to be truly full.

"There's never enough for you, Cass," Nesta said as she took the seat next to him- directly across from you- and glared hard enough at you that the small smile on your face fell off in an instant.

"That's true, even though he devoured all of the sweets you gave him, Y/N, he was asking for more the moment they were gone," Lucien laughed as he did the same as Rhys, pulling Elain into his lap in the chair next to yours.

Fear clutched at your heart, though you knew it shouldn't. But the thought of Cassian enjoying the sweets you had made so much that he asked for more... You were scared of how Nesta might retaliate this time.

You tried to keep your breathing even as the conversation passed from one ear to the other, no words registering as they spoke.

"Y/N?" Feyre's soft voice broke through, pulling you out of your worried heart and back into the moment. "You're still up to go dress shopping with us tomorrow, right?"

Your eyes flicked up to her, then to her mate behind her who had a stern look on his face. You forced your eyes back to her slightly worried ones, focusing on the gentle blue that you'd known your whole life. "Uhm... Yes, I am," you managed to respond once you had played the question over in your head.

"Good! We were all thinking that noon would be a fine time to leave, that way the three of us can sleep in a bit after the revel tonight. Does that sound good to you?"

You could feel Nesta's burning gaze and Elain's judgemental eyes on you, stoking the fire of your fear.

"That sounds fine to me, Feyre," you replied, fingers working nervously over the painted irises on your teacup, focusing on the tiny ridges that the paint had created, your gaze now trained on them.

Better than seeing the hatred in Nesta's eyes.

"Perfect! Now that that's settled, I think we should all get to perfecting the revel for tonight," Feyre said, causing movement from all around the table.

Except you.

You sat, staring at your teacup until everyone was gone, disappeared off to their rooms or offices, or wherever they needed to be.

That left you to clear the plates, quickly washing the dishes and leaving them to dry in the rack. Your teapot was dried by hand, and filled with tea leaves and hot water once more. Thankfully you were able to retreat to your room without question, letting you escape back into your fantasy world you had created in your mind. Away from Nesta and Elain's combined ire, combined disdain for your very existence.

The lovely jasmine tea Azriel had gifted you helped you forget where you were, nearly convincing yourself you were back in the human lands, sipping tea in the living room with your father as you watched snow fall and bury that tiny little shack, falling asleep to the thought of it in your arm chair.

🤍🤍💔🤍🤍

The next morning, you forced yourself from the arm chair, stretching out your neck as you did.

Somehow, it was less comfortable than sleeping in the bathtub.

Your soreness abated as you slid into steaming water, bubbling with rose scented soap- something that you were absolutely delighted by, loving that no matter what, your body was completely covered by bubbles. You hardly caught sight of your skin at all, though you knew with the day's plans, you would be forced to confront how your body had changed.

You could feel it, every now and then. The way your bones protruded just a bit more than they had a month ago. How your joints got sore from sitting or laying faster than before. How pale you had become compared to this time last year, when you had a slight glow to your skin.

This year, you were pasty. As though you had been locked away from the sun the entire time.

A sigh left your lips as you finished your skincare, the one act of kindness to yourself that you always made time for.

Your body didn't matter. It's not as though you would find someone in Prythian. After all, fae and humans shouldn't mix...

Feyre had said something similar to you, so long ago about your past crush on Cassian.

Thankfully in that time, only one person had caught your eye... And you were certain that Irina would never stoop so low as to date you of all people.

Another long breath, lungs deflating.

No, you were here to be alone. Mor and Feyre had begun trying to engage with you, for that you were grateful. They were keeping you from losing all hope once more, and it was all you could do to keep that flame alive.

Especially knowing that your own issues with your body would be added to by whatever Nesta and Elain deigned to say to you. Feyre may have told them to behave, but that wouldn't stop them from throwing barbs at you, thinly veiled by concern or 'opinion.'

Your cycle had finished the night before, leaving you tired but free of its scent, which you were overly thankful for. Mor's present was very nice, but you did not want to try the underwear out while dress shopping with your sisters.

You forced yourself to get dressed and headed out of your room, noting the time on the clock in the hallway. Half past eleven.

That should be enough time for a pot of tea, maybe taken in the kitchen? Or should you retreat to your room...?

You turned around and headed back to your room for a packet of tea leaves, this one a plain green tea. After grabbing it, you made your way downstairs, ears listening for any sign of life.

Perhaps they were all asleep still, exhausted from the revel the night before.

The kitchen was empty when you entered it, and you quickly set to making your tea. A few minutes later you were sat at the island in the kitchen, a cushioned stool beneath you. The tea was lovely and calming, it's clean, slightly sea scented aroma perfect for clearing your head.

That was until Nesta and Elain sauntered in, already talking about what dress styles and colors they were hoping to find today. Their conversation didn't stop once as they walked straight past you and into the living room, the only evidence of them noticing you was the feeling of their eyes on your back.

Suddenly, your heart wasn't so calm.

Feyre walked in a minute later, rushing over to you once she saw you seated at the island. "How are you?"

"I'm... I'm okay. How are you, Fey? How's the baby?"

"Oh I'm just fine, baby was being a little fussy earlier but they're all settled now. Are you ready to leave?"

You finished the rest of your tea in a few quick gulps, enjoying the feeling of warmth it brought, and stood from your stool. "I just need to wash this, and then I'm ready," you said, already making your way to the kitchen sink. That was done in a flash, and soon Feyre was ushering the three of you out the door, Nesta and Elain immediately locking arms and taking the lead. You and Feyre trailed after them, your own arms locked together after Feyre forced her elbow around yours, smiling at you when you looked at her.

All too soon, you arrived at the dress store in the middle of the Palace of Thread and Jewels, greeted by the owner, Tarin.

"Ah, the High Lady and her sisters! This is a lucky day for me, that's for sure," Tarin exclaimed as she approached Feyre, clasping their hands together. "What can I help the four of you with?"

"We're looking for dresses for Starfall, I know we're cutting it a bit close-"

"Oh, nonsense! For the High Lady, even the day of Starfall is not too close. Please, look around and pick out what interests you, we can have them altered if need be," Tarin said, waving her arms at the racks upon racks of dresses filling the shop. "I can also have them made up in different colors, and with any variations of fabrics you may like. Any way I can please you, my dears, and I am happy to do it."

Nesta and Elain set into the sea of fabric together, keeping close to each other as they picked through the racks. You stayed near Feyre, feeling wildly out of your depth.

Shopping for Solstice was one thing, it was shopping for those you cared for. But this...

This was shopping for yourself, and you struggled more with that. Buying the hairpin that you currently had twisted in your hair was a rare action, and one of the first non-practical purchase you had made for yourself since coming to Velaris.

"How about this one?" Feyre asked you, drawing you from your thoughts as she waved a dark purple dress in front of you, it's long sleeves waving as she did so.

"It's pretty," you said absentmindedly, staring at the way the fabric shimmered in the light.

"Do you want to try it on?"

Your eyes snapped up to Feyre's. "Me?"

Feyre laughed softly. "Yes, you. The cut is similar to dresses you've worn before, and you like purple, right?"

You looked back down at the dress, taking in the modest bodice and neckline, and the long length of the dress. "I like the design, but I think I'd prefer a lighter color, Fey," you said politely, but grabbed the dress anyway. "I'll try it on, though."

"That sounds fine, we could always get it made in a lilac color if you'd like," Feyre suggested, her hands already moving over more dresses. "You can go put that at the dressing rooms, then come back and look for more, okay?"

You nodded and did as she suggested, returning to her side and half-heartedly looking over the dresses hung in front of you.

Many of them were far too revealing for your comfort, with low necklines and slits up the thigh. You did find a few you thought Feyre may like, gowns that reminded you of the shimmering night sky, and showed them to her when you happened across them.

"Oh, I love this one," Feyre gushed when she saw one you had handed her, this one a dark blue silk with a smattering of silver stars embroidered across the chest and stomach, with a sweetheart neckline. The length of the dress would like reach her mid thigh, and hang just slightly on the tiny bump that was forming on Feyre's stomach. "What do you think?" She asked, holding the dress up to her body. "High Lady of Night enough?"

Even held against her body, the dress looked perfect for her. "Definitely. You should try it on, Fey," you suggested.

"Hmm... I think I will, Y/N. Are you ready to try yours on? I think we've both got a decent number," Feyre said, slowly walking with you to the back of the shop, where the dressing rooms were located.

"I am, I think," you replied, though you were unsure of being anywhere within a ten foot radius of Nesta. Especially if she couldn't find a dress she liked...

Thankfully at the moment, Nesta and Elain were both in their own dressing rooms, trying on whichever ones they had picked out.

You and Feyre entered your own curtained room, the dresses that you had picked out hung on the hooks inside.

A quiet sigh, and you set to undressing yourself. There was no mirror in here, likely to force people out to get recommendations from their friends. The purple dress that Feyre had found was the first you tried on, the soft fabric flowing down your body like water.

It clung too much.

That was your first impression of the dress, even with the modest neckline and hem length. The soft fabric seemed to be molded to your body, and even a cursory feel of your hands over your hips had you wishing you had rejected Feyre's offer to go shopping. You did not want to hear what Nesta would say about the slight show of your bones in the dress.

"Y/N, are you almost done? We're waiting for you," Feyre said softly from the other side of the curtain, and you forced yourself out of the dressing room. "Oh, you look lovely! I think the color looks nice on you," Feyre said kindly, even as her eyes lingered over the sharp edges of your shoulders, the noticeable bump of your hip bones.

"Do you eat?" Nesta asked sharply from across the room, her nose wrinkled as she took you in. "You look like you're still living in poverty, Y/N."

Blood rushed to your cheeks at her words. They were true, though. "I eat. I've just been..." you paused, trying to find a word that wouldn't irritate your sister. "Stressed."

Nesta scoffed, but shut her mouth at a stern look from Feyre.

"The color is nice, Y/N," Elain said weakly. You forced a smile in her direction.

"Thank you, Elain. Your dress is lovely, green is a wonderful color on you," you said, taking in the flowing layers of fabric that made up the skirt of the dress, all in varying shades of dark green.

"Thank you," Elain replied, but moved her gaze to Nesta. "Nes, your dress is gorgeous. I think you should stick with that one, no need to look for others. You look perfect," Elain said excitedly, so different from her reaction to you.

You tried not to let it sting, turning instead to Feyre. She was clad in a floor length dress in black, tiny diamonds sewn on in patterns that you thought were constellations. There was a slit up to her mid thigh on both sides, allowing her to move freely. "This one is beautiful Fey, you look stunning!"

"You think? I still want to try on that last one you picked out, but I really like this one," Feyre said. "Oh, and I may have put an extra dress in your dressing room, please just try it on, I think you'll really like it. It's the pink one on the left hand side. Just, try it," Feyre begged you softly before returning to her dressing room, Nesta and Elain already back in their own.

Your mouth set into a line, you entered the curtained room again. As she said, there was a glittering pink gown hung on the left hand side when you walked in. Your mouth fell into a frown at the neckline.

Entirely too scandalous for you.

But still, you forced yourself to shed the purple dress and shimmy into the pink one as Feyre had asked. The long, flowing sleeves were off the shoulder, connected to the bodice by a small amount of fabric. The neckline of the dress was far lower than you were normally comfortable with, showing more cleavage than you ever had. The dress was loose fitting past your chest, the flowing skirts moving beautifully as you examined them. The pale rose pink of the fabric was one of your favorites, and didn't wash out your complexion. A difficult task, with how pale you are at the moment.

You walked out of the dressing room and stood in front of the mirror, assessing the dress. Your shoulders were far too bony, but even so... You felt beautiful in the dress, like a princess. The skirts reached your feet, billowing out around you. The neckline was lower than you wanted... But it looked lovely, and really, wearing one low-necked dress in your lifetime would be fine. A turn in the mirror showed you your prominent scapulae, half hidden by the fabric of the dress. That could be fixed by styling your hair in large ringlets, enough to cover most of your back. But the gown... The gown was lovely.

"Oh, I knew you would look perfect in that one!" Feyre cheered when she exited her dressing room in the dress you had picked for her. "You look amazing! Please tell me this is the one you want?" Feyre asked, standing by you as both of you stared in the mirror.

"You don't think it's too...?" You gestured to the neckline. "Revealing?"

Feyre shook her head. "No, mother no. I've worn much worse, you have nothing to worry about. It's just a little bit different than usual, is all. And it's perfect on you."

You tried to believe Feyre, and you did like the dress...

But then Nesta walked out. Her eyes narrowed and nose wrinkled as she gave you a once over, obviously displeased with how you looked.

She was so good at that. Tearing you apart with just one look.

"Your shoulders stick out," Nesta remarked as she took her place in front of the mirror, looking herself over. Her dress was made of shiny silver fabric, a corset in the same fabric serving as the bodice with thick straps wrapping over the tops of her shoulders.

You ignored her comment as best you could. "You look amazing in that dress, Nesta. The corset fits you perfectly."

A cold look over her shoulders, followed by a clipped, "Thank you."

Elain came out of her dressing room last, this time clad in a cream colored dress, looking every bit like the bride she was always destined to be.

"Oh, Elain! You look wonderful!" You said brightly as you took a step toward her, stopping when her gaze hit you- cold as ice. "This one looks very nice on you, but the last one looked amazing too," you said, more nervous now.

"Thanks," she answered coolly, setting her eyes on Feyre. "Feyre, that dress is stunning on you, and very fitting for Starfall."

You nodded in agreement, the dress was perfect for her. And just like you thought, it just barely highlighted the tiny baby bump Feyre had. The sight of it made you smile.

You were overjoyed that your sister had found a loving partner in Rhys, and was looking forward to motherhood.

"Thank you, 'Lain, I really like that it shows my bump just a bit, I think Rhys and I are ready to let our court know that we're expecting at Starfall," Feyre said excitedly, a hand stroking her belly.

"That's amazing, Feyre," Nesta said softly, sounding the kindest she had since they had been taken by Hybern.

"You'll be the talk of Starfall," Elain said, holding Feyre's hands in her own. "I'm so excited for you and Rhys!"

"I don't want to make the biggest deal out of it, after all, it's still early, but... Rhys is so excited about finally being a father, I had to talk him down from telling the Hewn City residents about it last night," Feyre sighed. "I am glad that I'm going to have all of my sisters with me, supporting me along the way, though. Thank you all for coming shopping today," Feyre said tearily.

"Of course, Feyre," you said, taking her in your arms. "We're always going to be by your side."

Elain's arms followed next, barely touching you but clutching Feyre close. "Yeah, Fey, we'll always be with you. Right, Nes?"

"Of course. I will always be here for you, Feyre," Nesta said, and reluctantly wrapped her arms around Feyre and Elain, one hand just barely touching you.

When you all pulled away, Feyre was crying softly, tears streaming down her face. You grabbed tissues from a nearby table, dabbing away the tracks of starlight on her face. "It's okay, Feyre. We're all here."

"I-I know," Feyre sniffled. "I just... I love you all so much. I can't imagine life without any of you." She let you wipe her eyes, dabbing away the last of her tears after she collected herself. "Now, let's try on the rest of the dresses, we shouldn't waste too much of Miss Tarin's time."

The four of you continued to try on dresses, with much of the same behavior. You attempted to compliment your sisters, only to be met with cold responses. If they did talk to you, it was to point out how the dress didn't suit you.

You still chose the pink dress that Feyre had chosen for you, Feyre choosing the blue one that you had picked for her. Nesta picked the silver gown. Elain had taken the longest to decide, eventually choosing the green dress she had tried on first.

Feyre had argued over the payment with Tarin, demanding that she pay full price for the rushed orders, eventually winning the argument. Nesta and Elain had left by that point, taking off to some vague location that contained books.

That left you and Feyre, walking slowly across the bridge that would lead you to the Rainbow. She wanted to look at paints, and maybe get something special for the canvases that you had gotten her.

And that's how you found yourself entering Irina's shop once more, your heartbeat kicking up when you realized it. Feyre led you to the wall of paint, her fingers hovering over the tubes as she searched for the colors she wanted.

Soft footsteps approached from the back of the shop, and you were met with Irina, her face just as beautiful as you remembered, her smile just as warm.

You could have sworn your heart skipped a beat.

"Ah, Feyre and Y/N, it's lovely to see both of you," Irina's smooth voice said. "You came in just in time, I was about to close up early."

"Lucky us!" Feyre said, eyes still glued to the paint tubes. "Any special occasion?" She asked Irina teasingly as she pulled a few out of the selection.

"Oh, hush you," Irina scolded, swatting Feyre gently on the arm. "You know that I have a date with Rivin tonight."

*Oh.

Your heart sank.

"Well, I wanted to make sure the plans were still on! You know I was rooting for the two of you to get together," Feyre said. You grabbed the paint tubes she had picked up from her, pushing her slender hand away when she attempted to take them back. Your fingers rolled over the cap, giving you a sensation to focus on besides your crushed... crush. "The way the two of you danced around each other since I first met you was adorable- I'm so glad you're going out now!"

"Well, I'll only be able to go out with her if you choose what you want soon, or she'll think I stood her up!" Irina laughed, her skin shifting colors under the light.

"Oh, fine, fine," Feyre said, pulling out three more tubes of paint, all shimmering metallic shades. You followed her as she followed Irina to the back counter, placing the tubes on it. Soon enough, the paints were rung up and bagged, and clutched tightly in your arms. "Thank you, Irina. I hope your date goes well."

"Oh, I do as well!" Irina said as she walked the two of you out of the store, locking the door behind her. "I hope the two of you have a lovely rest of your day as well."

"You as well, Irina," you said quietly, nodding your head to her before she turned to leave. She flashed you a dazzling smile, her eyes a bright pink today.

So pretty.

"I'll see the two of you around!" She yelled, waving goodbye over her shoulder.

You and Feyre began the walk home, arms linked together one more, your other balancing the bag of paint.

"How do you know Irina?" Feyre asked once you were crossing the Sidra, taking careful penguin steps so neither of you would fall on the slippery bricks.

Color rushed to your cheeks, though they were already pink from the cold. "Oh, I went into her shop to get one of your birthday presents. The canvases and all," you explained.

"Ahh, that makes sense. She's nice, and she has a great selection!" Feyre said excitedly as the two of you passed through the door of the River House. "I cannot wait to start the first three panels! I'm not quite through my third month yet, but I know some of what I want to do for it."

"I'm glad you like it Fey! I can't wait to see what you make for each one." You kicked off your boots after unlacing them, and let Feyre pull your jacket off your arms, you doing the same for her after. "I think I'm going to head up to my room," you said quietly after you hung up your coats and put your boots on the rack.

"Oh, alright. I... I hope you didn't feel too uncomfortable while shopping," Feyre said. You knew what she meant: with Nesta and Elain.

"I was... fine," you lied half-heartedly.

Feyre stared at you, and you would have thought she was reading your mind, but you didn't feel anything similar. "If you say so. You know you can talk to me, right?" You nodded. "Okay... Well, I'll let you get to your room. Did you want me to start water for tea? I was going to make a cup for myself anyway," Feyre offered, a soft smile on her face.

You nodded again. "That would be nice, thank you, Fey."

Feyre's smile broadened. "I'll see you in the kitchen, sissy."

You went to your room to grab another packet of tea from the sampler Azriel had gotten you- so far, you were a fan of every blend he had chosen. You were hoping today's choice of a rose petal tea would be just as lovely.

The trip back to the kitchen was quick, with no sign of your other two sisters. Good. You weren't in the mood to see their sneering faces again so soon.

Tea was made quickly, thanks to Feyre boiling water for you. You gave her a hug before returning upstairs, tray balanced in your arms.

Just before you opened your door, the door to Rhys's study swung open, Azriel emerging from it.

*Oh!

He came down the hallway, and once he was near the stairs you finally got your brain to move past your anxiety of starting a conversation.

"Hi, Azriel, would you uhm... Would you wait here for just a moment?" You asked. "I have that Solstice present I got for you."

"Alright," Azriel replied quietly, moving closer to your doorway. You went inside quickly, fishing the already wrapped box out from under your bed, and a moment later you were back in front of him, offering the gift to him.

"Open it," you said, pushing the box into his hands.

Soon enough, the dagger was in his hands, his fingers running over the inlaid crescent moon made of sapphires, then over the blade itself. "This is wonderful, Y/N, thank you," Azriel said, sincerity in his tone. "I happen to have gotten a gift for you as well." A moment later, shadows materialized, depositing a festive, glittery evergreen tree colored bag in his hand.

"Oh, Azriel, you didn't have to-"

"Open it," Azriel said simply, transferring the handles over to your hand in a quick movement.

You narrowed your eyes playfully at him, but opened the bag. Inside was a beautiful, hooded cloak that would reach at least your mid back, made of a soft, white yarn. Beneath it was a matching scarf, little tassels on the ends, and a pair of mittens. They even had a small button on the top, allowing for the and of the mitten to be lifted and become a sleeveless glove if needed.

"Its made of rabbit fur," Azriel said quietly as you ran your fingers over the fabric. You looked up at with him with wide eyes. "Oh- they just brush or shave the rabbits, don't worry, no fluffy creatures were killed in the making of your gift," Azriel reassured you.

You let out a breath of relief. "Good. Good. It's a beautiful present, Azriel, thank you. Could I- could I give you a hug?" You asked nervously, regretting the question the moment you asked it. "I mean, you don't have to-"

"That would be fine." You blinked up at him. That would be- You allowed yourself to wrap your arms around him, noticing how stiff he was for the first few seconds before relaxing, his own arms coming up around you.

He smelled nice. Like cedar wood and... And night? Whatever it was, it was nice. Calming.

You both retracted your arms at the same time, pulling apart. A soft smile at him and one last thank you, and then you were in your room once more.

You were happy that he liked your present, but the slight wash of warmth it had given you was quickly chased away by the rest of your day.

Nesta and Elain... You were sure that they would never look at you like a sister again.

And Irina... It was such a silly crush that you had, based almost entirely on how pretty she was. You had been taken with her instantly, yes, breath catching in your throat. But that... That meant nothing.

Especially with you still being... Human. Frail. Less than a century from dying.

No fae, no matter how they looked, would ever take you as their wife, that you were sure of. You only had a couple of decades left of looking youthful, and perhaps only a few more past that before illness would inevitably take you.

A heavy sigh left your lips as you sat at your desk, a cup of tea poured out in the next moment.

At least tea could never not choose you...

🤍🤍❣️🤍🤍

The next week and a half passed dreadfully slowly, spent mostly in the solitude of your room.

Feyre came by when she could make time, the two of you sharing a pot of tea and the occasional snacks that she would bring.

Mor was stuck in the Hewn City, all the way until the morning of Starfall, when she would have a slight reprieve. She had already promised to come and spend the morning with you to get ready and catch up.

But until then, or until Feyre could make time... You stuck to your room.

Apparently your giving a joint present to Nesta and Cassian, and Elain and Lucien cause some extra anger in the two of them towards you. Nesta's glare had seemed extra fiery, and Elain had appeared perched on Lucien's lap more often than not when you did happen to wander into the living room.

You tried not to let it get to you, you did... But between the extra tension at home and the sadness in your heart from your silly little crush... It was weighing you down.

The days ticked past, counting down to an event that you weren't particularly excited for...

The morning of Starfall arrived, bringing with it the bright ball of energy that was Mor.

"Y/N!" Mor shouted, startling you awake. "Wake up! Wake up wake up! I'm here, I'm here. Please. Wake up. I've missed you!"

"Oh my gods, Mor, I'm awake," you groaned, rubbing your hands over your eyes. "Do you know a gentle way to wake people up?" You asked as you sat up, pushing your hair away from your face.

"Mm, not really. But, my way is super effective," Mor said cheekily, grinning when you stood up in the tub to glare at her with no fire in your eyes. "Come over here, sweets," she demanded, patting the bed next to her. You went over to her, collapsing onto the bed next to her, and swatted at her with a pillow in revenge for her waking you so abruptly. "So, how have the past two weeks been for you?"

"Oh... You know... Boring..." You said quietly. "How's it been for you? Is everyone behaving?"

Mor narrowed her eyes at you for a brief moment, before accepting your change of subject. "Oh, most everyone has been fine... I've been trying very hard to change the city's voting system plus helping plan their Starfall event, so my hands have been full every waking moment. And Keir has been an absolute pain..." Mor sighed. "He doesn't like that he's losing most of his control by the city moving to a full population vote rather than just the nobles, but it's going to happen whether he likes it or not. But for me, that just means him being more of an ass."

"I'm sorry Mor. I wish that someone else was able to help you..."

"Feyre offered, but, well, with her being pregnant that's not the best idea. And I'm sure Amren would enjoy going solely to terrify the citizens, but that's not exactly... What we're aiming for. And I can do it, and I will, I just wish my stupid father wasn't a factor." Mor sighed dramatically and flopped back on your bed, arms flung out to the sides.

One smacked into your thigh and you laughed, pushing it off of you and back over to Mor's side. "I know something that will cheer you up," you offered.

"Oh?" Mor asked, peeking over at you. "And what would that be?"

"Doing our skincare!" You answered brightly, using the same tactic that she always did with you.

"Oh, I should have guessed!" Mor giggled. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, sweets. Let's get to it!"

"Wait- let me take a quick bath first, and then I'll be all ready for it."

Mor nodded. "That sounds fine, I'll go make some tea and grab some breakfast for us."

The morning moved quickly from there- too quickly, in your opinion, your alone time with Mor slipping away so fast. After you had bathed, the two of you did your skincare, doing an extra mask and moisturizer to give yourselves an extra glow.

Into the second pot of tea Mor started doing your makeup once she had seen your dress. She spent nearly an hour on you alone, taking her time to perfect your eyeshadow and lipstick, getting just the right about of blush coloring your cheeks. You felt beautiful, seeing yourself like that in the mirror.

Mor's own makeup didn't take near as long, but she was even more beautiful than usual, with the extra time she had put in.

The two of you spent a bit more time together before she had to leave and return to the Hewn City for a bit longer, to make sure their celebration started smoothly.

"I'll see you at the House of Wind later, yes?" Mor asked before she left your room, a stern eye on you.

You sighed. "Yes, Mor, I will see you at the House of Wind. I *won't skip out on the celebration, I promise."

Mor nodded in approval. "Good. I'll see you in a few hours, Y/N."

She breezed out of your room, leaving you alone once again.

You sighed, and sat down on your bed. Then collapsed back onto it.

Just a few more hours, and your anxious anticipation could subside.

Starfall would be fine this year. You will stay away from Nesta, Elain, and their mates, and instead stick around Feyre, Mor, and possibly Azriel, if he didn't seem too annoyed by your presence.

🤍🤍💔🤍🤍

Four hours later, you were dressed and ready to leave for the House of Wind. Your hair was half pinned up by the hairpin you had bought yourself, half left down in loose curls that conveniently covered most of the bones in your back.

There was little you could do to cover your shoulders, what with the style of the dress, but you felt pretty nonetheless. The gown had been taken in slightly, just enough to fit more snugly and leave you feeling more comfortable with such an exposed neckline, more secure. And the way the skirts flowed around your feet made you feel more graceful than you were.

Overall, you felt decent about yourself tonight. Your hair had cooperated, not making you late for the start of the event by taking too long to style. And the makeup that Mor had done was perfect, just enough to enhance your natural features.

You had even opted for heels tonight, little sparkly silver boots that Feyre had gotten for you, in case you wanted something more than flats to wear.

When you finally left your room, you made your way downstairs where Feyre, Rhys, and Azriel were waiting in the entryway, seemingly for you.

"Oh, Y/N, you look beautiful!" Feyre exclaimed when she caught sight of you, rushing over to pull you into her arms. "I just love this dress on you!"

"Yes, both of you look lovely, but Feyre...?" Rhys started.

"Oh, shoot! We need to get going, Y/N, but Azriel will take you up to the House when you're ready!" Feyre said brightly, leaving the house a moment later and letting her mate take her in his arms, shooting of into the sky together.

Your heart dropped. Flying? You had only flown a few times, usually to get to the House of Wind as you would be tonight. It still terrified you as badly as it did on the first time, leaving you shaking every time.

"Are you ready to leave?" Azriel asked, pulling you from your thoughts. You nodded, and followed him outside, even as you felt like your heart was in your throat at the prospect of flying.

He gently pulled you into his arms, one hooked beneath your knees and the other supporting your back. Your arms instinctively flew around his neck, ready to hold on for dear life.

Not that you didn't trust Azriel to keep you alive, just... You weren't made for flying, you don't think.

The push off from the ground had you closing your eyes, squeezing them shut tight. You could feel your heart racing, trying to leave your chest as you were overtaken by fear.

"You look beautiful tonight," Azriel said, his deep voice in your ear causing your eyes to snap open.

"You don't have to lie..."

Azriel let out a soft breath. "I'm not lying, you look beautiful tonight. Pink is your color, I believe," He said, his voice right in your ear again. Color rushed to your cheeks at his compliment, and you smiled- small, but there.

A moment later, he had landed solidly on the ground, carefully placing you on your feet.

You'd nearly forgotten you had been flying.

Soon after distancing yourself from him, Rhys rushed over to pull him away for some reason or another. Which left you standing alone in the House of Wind, for the first time since Bounty Day.

Anxiety grew in your gut again, making you feel queasy.

Especially when you saw the feast, laid out over that same massive dining table.

You turned away from the banquet, navigating instead to Feyre's side. Already she was surrounded by a few citizens, but you were able to make your way in for a hug from your sister. Soon though, more far crowded in, and following the arrival of Rhys you broke away from your sister, no longer feeling welcome next to them.

You wandered off, searching for Mor in the ever growing sea of people, with no luck yet.

Azriel, the other person you knew that could be safe to talk to, was occupied talking to a very pretty redhead, and also next to Nesta and Cassian.

Definitely a no.

After a while, you filled a small plate with food, picking at the smoked meats, cheeses, and some pieces of fruit until you couldn't stand it anymore, taking the plate back into the kitchens.

Back here, it was quieter. A few stragglers were wandering in and out between the balconies nearby, but you paid them no mind as you got a glass of cool water from the sink.

You let yourself take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, to bring yourself out of your anxiety. It helped, but not much.

It was enough to allow you to wander back out into the party, passing more than enough males who eyed you up and down, leaving you nervous. You were almost tempted to grab a glass of wine, but you knew all that was provided was faerie wine, something that you never wanted to try after hearing some of Feyre's tales involving it.

You knew this dress was a mistake. A beautiful one, yes, but it left you feel exposed unlike every before.

Every few minutes, you circled back to where Feyre was, seeing if there was an opportunity for you to ask her to take you back to the River House, or have someone take you back. But every time you passed, there was somehow more people crowded around Feyre and her mate.

Mor was nowhere to be seen two hours into the party, leaving you adrift in the sea of fae that had overtaken the House of Wind. You were overwhelmed and feeling so alone, the noise of the party drowning out any coherent thoughts you could have.

Just make it to the Starfall, and you can go.

That's what you told yourself for an hour as you continued your slow circles of the main rooms, attempting to find Mor or see if Feyre was available. No luck for you, though.

Cheers erupted as the first streaks of glowing green overtook the sky, giving you your cue to leave.

You didn't care that it was cold and snowy out, you just needed away from the noise, the lights, the everything that always surrounded you.

The stairs were hell in your heeled boots, but you dealt with them, forcing yourself to go one step at a time. By some miracle, you didn't fall, merely ending the massive flight of stairs by sitting down at the bottom to catch your breath.

Tears had begun falling down your cheeks at some point, driven by the cold and how lonely you feel, how forgotten you felt yet again.

You finally pushed yourself off of the cold stone, the bottom of your dress now wet with snow.

The forest would give you the peace you wanted, though you wouldn't venture near as far as you had last time. No, tonight you just wanted a bit of peace, a bit of time with only natural light shining upon you, even if it was enhanced by the cosmic phenomenon going on above you.

Your feet carried you to the edge of Velaris, the forest in your sights. A sigh of relief left you as you saw the trees, so reminiscent of the ones you had grown up near.

And then you crashed into a wall.

"What the-?" You rubbed at your nose, attempting to soothe the pain of crashing into- whatever you had crashed into. You held your hands out, shocked to find that they rested perfectly on an invisible force in front of you. Nothing that you tried let your hands pass that point, and a kick at the area led to the same results- a foot that you knew would hurt badly in the morning.

You couldn't *believe it.

They had locked. You. In. They had taken any amount of freedom you could have, no matter how fleeting it would inevitably be.

Ice cold rage and swells of disappointment left you a sobbing mess as you stumbled away from the wall of your cage, following the Sidra with no true destination in mind.

You would not be going back to that house. You couldn't. Not when- when... Not when Feyre had okayed you being locked inside of the city like nothing more than a pet, like you weren't a person with feelings and needs and desires.

You were sick of being alone, sick of feeling alone even in a sea of people. You had no one who was just yours. And that would never change in Velaris, would never change unless you were around humans once more.

"Y/N!" A warm voice said, drawing your eyes from the snow covered ground to the person it came from. "How did the recipe I gave you turn out? Good?" Sevenda asked, her smile turning to a frown when she saw your tear covered, blotchy face. "Is everything okay, dear?"

Another sob left your lips, despite your attempts to quiet it. "I- I- No," you managed to get out.

"Oh, come in here for a minute, Y/N, you're freezing!" Sevenda said, pulling you into the back of her restaurant. She pushed a cup of tea in front of you, which you gladly accepted, your fingers warming instantly from the mug. "Did you want to talk about it?" She asked after a couple of minutes.

You shook your head, but sighed and answered anyways. "I just... I don't belong in that house, I don't belong in Velaris... I can't... I can't keep pretending like I do, acting like I'm happy to be there... I need..." You sighed again. "I need out of there." And then an idea struck you. "I- I know this would be a lot to ask, and that you likely don't need help from a human but... Do you happen to need help here? I could do anything you need, I just..." You trailed off.

"You need out?" Sevenda asked, sympathy on her face and in her voice. "Well, I did lose one of my prep cooks to the Continent recently, he went to study new styles of cooking. If you are serious about this, I will have you show up at nine tomorrow morning. Okay, dear?"

You nodded your head vigorously. "I would be so grateful, Sevenda, truly, thank you so much." You let the older fae pull you into her arms, the gentle hug enough to stop your tears for the moment.

"Are you going to be alright, dear?" She asked once she pulled away, looking you in the eyes. You nodded your head, not trusting your voice at the moment. "Okay. Let me get you a cup of tea to go, and you should go straight home, hmm?"

You let her do just that, accepting the hot jasmine tea in a lidded cup that she made you promise to bring back in the morning. After saying goodbye, you set off in the opposite direction of the River House.

No matter how cold you were, you didn't feel like going back there yet.

Some time later, you found yourself on a cliffside, overlooking the bay of Velaris. Your tea was long gone by now, any warmth it had given you gone with it.

The rocks down below looked so inviting, as though they would welcome you in an instant. You let out a long, heavy breaths, tears beginning to flow again.

You wish you had the strength to jump.

Instead, you sat on the edge of the cliff, booted feet dangling over the side. The snow underneath you was frigid, leaving you colder than before. But still, you sat and watched the waves, and listened to the crash on the rocks below.

"Y/N?" A deep voice asked from behind you, but you paid it no mind. Maybe they would leave you alone. "Y/N?" The voice asked again. After another length of silence from you, the person took another approach, and sat next to you instead, their own long legs dangling over the edge. A warmth behind you, and less wind hitting you after the male readjusted. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You still didn't answer.

Instead, you were surprised by gentle hands winding a scarf around your neck in two loops, then a cloak being fastened over your head and buttoned in the front, and finally a pair of mittens slid over your hand.

Azriel didn't make you talk, didn't make you do anything. He simply let you take the time you needed to recover, to stop your tears.

A while later, the waves started to lull you to sleep, your head tilting to the side until Azriel pulled it to his arm, letting you rest against him. Your eyes fluttered shut, your cheek soaking in the warmth of him, even through the hood of your cloak.

It was only when you nearly pitched forward off the cliff that Azriel insisted on taking you back to the River House, or at least to a café where you could warm up.

"I suppose..." your voice cracked. "That going back to the River House would be... fine... for now," you whispered, glad that he didn't force you to speak any more. A moment later and you were pulled through shadows, similarly to how Nuala and Cerridwen travelled but... different in a way. Almost warmer, you would say.

The two of you appeared in front of your bedroom door, the warm air shocking your skin and making you feel clammy.

"I'll have my shadows bring you a pot of tea, feel free to take a bath or change so you can warm up, Y/N. I hope you have a better night that it has been so far," Azriel said quietly before turning to leave.

"Thank you, Azriel," you croaked just before he turned to go down the stairs. He gave you a small smile and nodded before continuing on his way.

You entered your bedroom, tears falling almost instantly once you were alone again. You forced yourself to strip, hanging up the pink gown to dry and setting your sparkly boots near the door. The bath felt soothing, at least, warming you to the core by the time you got out.

And there, awaiting you on your desk, was a fresh pot of the lavender and chamomile tea that you preferred for sleep.

A few extra tears fell at that small act of kindness, and you helped yourself to a still steaming cup of it, settling into the armchair that you had perpetually pulled near your window, a throw blanket across your body.

Sleep claimed you before you had even finished your second cup of tea.

🤍🤍💔🤍🤍

General Taglist: @lilah-asteria @daughterofthemoons-stuff @meritxellao

Series Taglist: @darkbloodsly @angelbunny222 @uniquedreamsblog @romantasyreader28 @that-one-bibliophole @idkmyoldonewasembarassing @deathtopistachios @saltedcoffeescotch @sleepylunarwolf @babypeapoddd @kingshitonly @bravo-delta-eccho @bluebries81 @liahaslosthermind @deepestmentalitypersona @historygeekqueen @hermajestysworld @marina468 @esposamultifandom @astrokitty18 @larissa01-blog2 @acourtofbatboydreams @angel-graces-world-of-chaos @thelov3lybookworm @weekendlusting @dxjaaaa @thejediprincess56 @casiiopea2 @butterfix

#the afterthought #I don't feel alive #acotar x reader #acotar x archeron!reader #acotar x reader angst #acotar angst #angst #toxic inner circle #acotar fic #acotar fanfic #archeron!reader #acotar #tato writes

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silverjirachi · 2 days ago

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I cannot emphasize to you enough that the sonic movies are unreasonably good. they do not follow the formula of being a cash grab that so many other big name franchise movies do.

Yeah there is cheap humor in it sometimes but it’s a kids’ movie, also sonic as a character has always been saying cheap corny stuff and not only that, but every single time there is a gag or a joke it is played completely straight. It’s never out of character, particularly sonic’s lines. I keep thinking about how they’ve made it clear that part of his joking and banter is out of insecurity, a “hahahah i need to talk to diffuse this situation” type of thing. i’m particularly thinking of the “haha who does your highlights” thing in the current movie. Shadow rightfully responds to this like “???? what the fuck dude??” because it’s treated not just as A JOKE but an actual, motivated part of the dialogue that the other characters respond to.

Honestly the person who has the most jarring gags is Robotnik but even then it works for his character because he’s just.. that unhinged. There is a full, sudden 4th-wall break in sonic 3 and i almost didn’t care because if anyone was gonna do it, it would be him. It was kind of a funny “i’m at a movie premiere” moment so it worked in the theatre, but i wonder how it will be received and age for people watching at home. But EVEN THEN, these out-of-sequence moments are so rare, and what they do is add to the tone of the movie, which takes itself seriously, but also reminds us to not take it too seriously. They walk this beautiful delicate balance of being a serious movie fully invested in its own stakes and circumstances while also being movie actualizations of cartoon characters. It centrally hinges on the principle that in order for any humor to work in a performance, the actors (and the story) must still be motivated and fully invested as if everything around them is a real circumstance. All three of the sonic movies have mastered this as an art.

Every single actor puts so much thought and love into their character, and the writing does not assume people will like it “just because.” It is so clear that story is the priority rather than ticket sales, and so they end up creating beautiful moments that serve the characters arcs as a piece of art and storytelling rather than just what’s gonna sell. There are literary devices in these things man. Sometimes they’re a little overemphasized, but again. Kids movie. And the thing is, these moments are woven into the parts that do sell. It’s genuinely phenomenal. It’s like a masterclass on good storytelling.

The sonic movies are one of the few rare “other media” movies that do not cop out just because they’re kids movies. That do not cop out just because they already have an invested fanbase who would come anyway. They are a testament to what happens when everyone on the team from the top down cares about the story and the characters. When they let people who are genuine fans of the content work on it. The movies abound with niche and subtle fan references (even memes!) but you blink and miss them. They’re never distracting and again, never played for JUST being a gag or a reference.

What I’m saying is I came into all three Sonic movies as an already established fan who would see junk anyway, preparing to be disappointed, and got ART instead??????? And they’re still putting out bangers three (hopefully four! AND a spinoff!) movies in??????

#sonic 3 #sonic the hedgehog #sonic movie 3 #everyone say thank you jeff fowler #we gave the man who let shadow say swear words millions and millions of dollars to work with #and this was the result: art

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revelboo · 1 day ago

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Me at your post:

Question. Have you ever thought about writing for the Constructicons? (Not with Prowl though). I think it would be hilarious.

Rewatched their G1 episodes today. Title is the song ‘Drive’ by The Matches. An attempt was made

Drive

Constructicons x Reader

• “I’m just saying. A little appreciation.” Exchanging a look with Long Haul, Scavenger tries to ignore Hook’s grumbling as they work. Pushing against a tree until the wood splinters and breaks so he can dove it over and drag it out of the way. Pausing to tip his head up at the night sky and wonder where home is. “We’re out here busting our afts and do we get any thanks?” Hook demands. No. What they’d gotten was their energon rations cut because in the Decepticon hierarchy, they’re not much higher than Insecticons. He doesn’t like it, but understands. Being forged here on this miserable mudball not Cybertron means being looked down upon. And he has no idea where Cybertron is among those glittering stars. Can it be home when he’s never set ped there?

• “We do our job. A fragging good job,” Scrapper says, trying to keep the peace as Bonecrusher utters a harsh laugh and Mixmaster just shakes his head at him. Like he doesn’t see the scorn. Knows the others think he’s oblivious, but he’s knows they’re looked down on until they’re needed. Devastator demands their respect, but on their own? They’re second class citizens. If even that. Some of the other Decepticons are all too happy to sneer at them, to assume that since they didn’t come from Cybertron they’re less.

• Bending to gouge up a handful of soil and to intake through his vents, separating out the individual components in his head, Mixmaster growls. Scenting those trace amounts of energon that are the whole reason they’re out here in the middle of nowhere. “No one wants to hear that, though,” Mixmaster mutters. “They want us to work and keep quiet. It’s here.” Glancing at his brother when Bonecrusher bumps him. “They’re scared of us,” Bonecrusher growls, beginning to aggressively clear the land of trees, movements sloppy and giving away that he’s been into the high grade. But they all know it’s Devastator that’s feared, not them. They’re tools. Nothing more. Disrespected and mocked by the rest of the Decepticons. Something they all feel and that gets compounded when they’re combined. That dissatisfaction growing every time they combine, spreading and feeding on itself when they separate again. Reaching a boiling point with no outlet to let off some steam. Except to destroy something. And there’s nothing here but trees.

• Exhausted and not even tempted by the hot, greasy smell of fast food in the bag in the passenger seat, you go over the list in your head again. Trying to remember if you’ve gotten at least a little something for everyone. That you’re ready for the upcoming holiday. You’d volunteered to work the day before for the extra cash, but you keep wondering if you’re forgetting something. Distracted you almost miss the huge, dark shape that comes sailing out of the woods. Slamming a foot on the brake as your car slides with a scream of tires, a tree slams into the road ahead of you and goes end over end in a shower of pine needles and broken branches. What? Toggling your emergency lights on, you put the car into park and get out, wincing at the biting cold. And your breath catches as it sinks in that a tree chucked like a javelin even though there’s no wind, no plausible explanation, nearly took you out. Squinting into the dark woods, your skin prickles as a red glow flares in the shadows. Then five more.

• Hears Bonecrusher laugh and Long Haul turns to follow his stare. Sees the tiny shape through the trees silhouetted by the headlights of the car behind them. There’s no way the little human can see anything more than the glow of their optics. But there’s a whisper of excitement twisting through him as Scrapper says, “Bottle of engex to whoever squishes it before it ruins everything.”

• Heart in your throat as those red glows shift and a branch cracks, there’s a roar from the trees that crackles through you and you forget the car. Forget everything beyond the animal need to get away. Running as trees crack and get uprooted with thunderous noise behind you to send you racing across the road and into the woods on the other side in a blind panic. Don’t even know what’s chasing you, only that you don’t want to find out. Is this what a rabbit feels like with hungry foxes snapping at its heels?

• Heavy peds tearing up dirt and leaves as he tries to overtake Hook, Scavenger hears Mixmaster calling out to the organic. Laughingly saying they only want to play. You’re surprisingly fast for being so small, but even noisier than Bonecrusher somehow. Energon pumping through his lines as you break from the trees, just a little shadow silvered by the moon, almost unreal looking as you pelt through the tall grass. Catches a glimpse of terrified eyes when you glance back and then you go down, disappearing completely.

• “Where’d it go?” Hook growls, reaching to push Scavenger out of his way as the rest of his brothers catch up and he realizes there’s a sheet drop, the ground giving way so suddenly you hadn’t seen it in time to react. Leaning down to look at the still form lying in the shallow stream at the bottom, there’s a momentary flicker of disappointment. Because chasing you had made him feel more alive than he’d felt in a long time. The hunt a high almost as sweet as combining.

• Lingering at the edge of the ravine, spark pulsing still with the excitement of your fear, Scrapper’s aware of Mixmaster and Bonecrusher shoving at each other. Of Long Haul and Scavenger both still staring down at their quarry. Turning away to order them back to work, he hesitates as Scavenger bumps his arm with a fist. “It’s still alive.” And he hears the low, pained sound from the little human. “Pretty fun to chase,” Long Haul adds, shooting him a look. Primus, are they wanting to keep you? Like a pet? All five of his brothers are staring at him now. Waiting for his decision. And groaning in defeat, he gestures at the drop. “Fine, but I’m not cleaning up after it.” Because you’re a distraction, something to keep them from dwelling on how unhappy they all are.

#transformers x reader #IDW hook #IDW Bonecrusher #IDW mixmaster #constructicons x reader #IDW scavenger #IDW long haul #IDW scrapper #constructicons

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sibillascribbles08 · 1 day ago

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Big Ol' Rottmnt Fic Rec List

Hi, I've needed to do this for a while, so here's a big bundle of fic recs from me !

I've broken it down between one shots, chaptered fics, and series. I'll try to mention what the character focus is along with a brief summary and some personal thoughts. If you need more details I encourage you to check the fics summary and tags for yourself! I will only include an author's tumblr account if it's easy for me to find haha

One Shots

Mama's Boy - ashtreelane: Technically two chapters but it feels like a one shot. Casey Jr. angst, involving him finding out that maybe you can fix kraang infections and that he failed to save his mother. I love when people really pile the grief on Junior after all the fighting is over and the fic does it so well.

Forget-Me-Nots - GibbousLunation (AKA @klunkcat ): Hi, oh my god??? Leo and Mikey centric angst, in which saving Leo from the prison dimension has an insane ripple effect. Mikey dying? Nah he's going to start getting erased from every timeline and Leo slowly watches it happen (and refuses to do nothing about it). I utterly adore how this fic handles this concept. You see almost all of it from Leo's POV, noticing the little changes but writing them off as memory failures, because of how subtle some of it is.

Fight or Flight - pickledcarrotsandradish: Leo centric, post movie, Leo keeps waiting for his family to start lecturing him about all the dumb stuff he did during the invasion, and they aren't, so it's getting to him. A very neat narrative about how self loathing can warp our perception of how others see us. A++++

The Friend Zone Sounds Pretty Good, Actually - Cryptvokeeper: Eating this, eating this. You probably already know I love aroace Leo and this fic is an INCREDIBLE exploration of that. Even as just an ace person it hit SO many notes where I was just like "Oh god... I've been there buddy". And as a bonus the dynamic between Leo and Yuichi is v sweet. Love this a lot I've read it like five times.

Pink in The Night - unnamedmystery: Incredible April/Sunita fic. Like seriously this author wrote April's crush so well I think I was starting to fall in love with Sunita. Just incredibly cute all the way through, and great April writing, adore it.

《 until then, matriarch 》 - chiangyorange: HI OH MY GOD A nice chunky oneshot about Karai, about her being a leader, and it's phenomenal. It hits and hits and does not miss, really going in depth about her emotions involving her father turning into something wicked and having to destroy him, and how it ruins all of her good memories.

The Kindness of Collision - SpoonerizedSwiftness (AKA @splickedylit ): Hi I still remember the fic and the art suddenly showing up in the tag and then I was thinking about it for the next like five weeks aslkdjf A very interesting idea that when the turtles reach the age they were in the doomed timeline before things got reset, all the memories of their other life more or less hit them like a train. All of them have to comb through that information and it's a wonderful and emotional ride.

Chaptered Fics

Hamartia - Punable (in progress): Hi this is one of my all time favorite rise fics, mainly because in a way, it helped me come to terms with my chronic pain. It's Donnie centric and smack full of angst in all the best ways. Shorthand summary, an explosion in Donnie's lab almost takes him out (or kind of DOES take him out) and the recovery is not only long and agonizing, it may only go so far, and Donnie doesn't cope well with that.

Kick It Up a Notch - Brokenpitchpipe (completed): Hi this is my other all time fav rise fic. Donnie centric separated AU in which Donnie is raised by Draxum. My love for it stems a lot from the characterization of Donnie though, and even Draxum in this case. Not to mention that in a lot of cases it matches the vibes of the show. And in spite of all the humor, there's a few really gut wrenching moments. 10/10 will re-read.

Lightning in Our Fingertips Today - DaFlangsLairde (AKA @daflangstlairde-art) (completed): Leo and Donnie centric, mostly angst, with body swapping between the twins which results in Donnie finding out that Leo's ninpo hurts him. Love love love the character writing in this, and also how the swap is written.

Under Pressure - ParvumAutomaton (completed): Not sure this is a single character focused fic, but basically April goes cave diving and is out for a while, and the turtles get worried and go looking for her. This might be personal bias but as someone who gets really into caving stories, this fic hits the spot for so many reasons. A really great emotional ride, and if you wanna see April go through it then I super recommend it.

Nothing Haunts Us (like the things we don't say) - mad_and_thick_as_theives (completed): A lot of great fics by this author btw, but this one personally stood out to me. It starts of silly and light only to sweep in with the emotional weight. Turtles are all cursed with a truth spell, basically, but I think my favorite bit is who gets out of it first (and why). V sweet.

Creation of a Philospher's Stone - IgnisCanis (completed): Whoooo boy, if you want some Draxum centric character exploration this is a great one. It really fleshes him out as a morally grey character and also does a fantastic job at writing Mikey when he finds out.

The Ol Switcheroo - radishhqueen (AKA @radishhqueen) (completed): Haha not going to lie I have a few by this author (so I'll only tag them once) but MAN. Hands down my favorite take on future leo coming to the past, and maybe I'm biased because I like when those fics actually explore Junior's character in the process buuuuut I love it. Junior's already struggling to adapt himself to the present, and after getting caught up in a foot clan spell which summons his sensei to the present too it really doesn't get any easier.

Vigilantism for Fun and Profit - radishhqueen (completed): The Cassandra Jones fic ever. Zero contest. If you're uncertain about writing Cassandra because she had so little development in the show I encourage you to read this for inspiration (I know it inspired me a lot). It does such a great deep dive into her character post show and a bit of the movie too. Honestly anytime radishh has a Cassandra fic I am clicking.

Tried to Grow Up Good - Sroloc_Elbisivni (AKA @sroloc--elbisivni )(completed): The Casey Jr. fic ever. CRAZY in love with this post movie take on him. It's messy, it's fun, it's so so real and you get a good chunk of Casey Sr. in here too. Adore it.

Hold On (Or Three Times Donatello's Soft Shell Almost Killed Him, and One Time it Saved His Life) - dunk_on_em (AKA @spockazilla )(completed): If you ever want a bit of angst involving Donnie's shell this is my go to. Every chapter has an emotional swing, even the positive ones. And shows something most people might see as a disadvantage as a good thing, actually.

Atlas, My Brother - swampcryptid (AKA @the-name-is-rizzotherat)(in progress): Get your Raph angst, specifically involving him always shielding his siblings, this time via a curse. My guy is already going through it and I think it'll get worse if a solution isn't found.

I've Got You Under My Skin - Cass_Phoenix (in progress): More Raph angst, and some Donnie, a truly chilling exploration of the possible consequences to connecting with the kraang. This fic constantly has me on the edge of my seat, and constantly stressing for Raph.

What We Leave Behind (How We Start Anew) - iam57311 (AKA @iam-57311)(in progress): Any Baronjitsu fans here? An alternate take on canon in which Draxum and Splinter co-parent the kids since they're first born (made?) Hilariously while I love the Baronjitsu content in here, I think some of my favorite parts are actually with the sisters, Big Mama, and Draxum's sister who is so so cool I love her.

Proof of Redemption - iam57311 (complete): Another one of theirs! A short and sweet lil close to canon fic about Draxum steadily gaining the trust and affection of the Hamatos, with each chapter focused on a different character. I love how they're all paced out from each other, really hits how some are much slower than others to trust Draxum hehe.

No Crime* Only Brooches - OllieTheScribe (AKA @olliethescribe) (in progress): Well I have to get THE HypnoWarren fic in here. Such a fun take on these characters, I love love love the backstory they built up for Warren too, plus the dynamic between these two and the turtles after (eventually) become friends haha.

Minor Interference - bambiraptorx (AKA @bambiraptorx) (in progress): What can I say? This fic is delightful. Between the hilarity of the turtles going with Draxum just to mess with him, the lore additions for yokai and the Hidden City, HoH Donnie, and their slowly building dynamic, always eager for a new chapter with this one.

Series

A Butterfly with a Mechanical Wing - Amethyst_Goldenwind (AKA @amethystgoldenwind ): Donnie centric series about being a non-verbal autistic. I'm always fond of non-verbal/mute explorations of characters, and so far I really like how, because his family has grown up with it, all of it is very normal for them. The various forms of communication are delightful. Excited to see further entries.

Analogous Hues - alwerakoo (AKA @alwerakoo): It's a separated AU with similar titling themes as my own, needed to check it out. The titles are just about all they have in common though! This AU focuses a lot on the turtles (Raph and Leo with Splinter and Donnie and Mikey with Draxum). I love how this explores not only the dynamics of the two groups and how different they are, but also the dynamics between each of the siblings, also how some magic sibling connections can influence that. Not to mention the different home life in more ways than one. If you're into separated AUs that really dig into the turtles dynamics try this one out !

#scribs speaks #rottmnt fics #fic recs #rottmnt #long post #that's all for now #I may make another one down the line when I do a bit more catch up and find some new ones !#some holiday posts suggest showing fic writers appreciation #best way I got to do it rn #some of these fics are well known but I'm giving them a shout out anyway

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peppermintquartz · 3 days ago

Text

Hondo calls Deacon after dinner. "Hey. Kinda need to talk with you?"

"If it's about what you were asking me in HQ earlier this week, I'm not talking about it with you, Hondo."

"I saw you with Rocker today."

Hondo can't believe what he is saying even as the words spill out. The image of Deacon kissing Rocker's hand is seared in his mind and he still feels thrown by it. The sheer concept of Deacon divorcing Annie is already so far beyond what Hondo thinks is possible, and he's currently awash in disbelief that Deacon is actually cheating on his wife. He won't be able to work with Deacon until they have a proper conversation.

Deacon inhales sharply. Then he says, "Text me a location, I'll see you there."

---

Deacon arrives ten minutes late.

"You and Rocker?" Hondo says as an opener.

"Yes," Deacon says.

Hondo rubs a hand over the top of his head. "Hell... Deac, why? How and why?"

Deacon tilts his head and studies Hondo coolly. Then he says, "I'm gonna need a drink to get through this." Standing, he goes to the bar and grabs a beer, bringing one along for Hondo as well.

When he sits down again, he doesn't look at Hondo for a long moment. It's uncomfortable. Hondo can't recall the last time he was uncomfortable in Deacon's company. Finally, Deacon exhales, low and resigned.

"Listen, Hondo. Me and Donovan... It's not something either of us expected, but it is how it is. If you're gonna tell me to break it off, that it'll hurt our careers - his more than mine, let's be honest - and all of that... We've already gone over it."

"Donovan," Hondo echoes flatly.

"Yes, Donovan." Deacon's gaze is as steadfast as it has always been.

"Wow." The beer is cold in his hand and he sets it on the table, cocking his head to look at the beads of condensation roll down the side of the bottle.

Deacon takes a long swig of his beer. Then he leans forward on his elbows. "Hondo. How long have you known me? Hmm? Do you think I would do anything this serious without having considered alternatives? That I haven't tried any other avenue?"

"That's not what I am trying to say, man. I'm just... I'm just shocked. You and Annie have been together ages, and-and I always thought of you two as, I don't know, the ideal."

For the first time since Hondo confronted him almost a week ago, Deacon looks tired. "i thought so too. It happened so suddenly and I wasn't prepared for... for this storm. I've prayed, fasted, gone to confession. Therapy. Hell, Donovan kept telling me to go back to Annie, and every damned time, when I was hurting or scared or upset or just... pissed off, I think of him. I think of him. And I feel better."

That's not something Hondo expected to hear. "But you love Annie," he says, hoping that means something. "Don't you?"

"I do," Deacon says. Resignation colors his expression and his tone. "I will always love her. She's the mother of my kids, and she has been my staunchest supporter and I have been happy to support her in her career too. And honestly? I would've forced myself to remain in the marriage, for the kids if nothing else, but it's come to the point I dread going home. I dread it."

"So you hooked up with Rocker? Deac, it's a crisis in the marriage, that's not worth cheating on Annie."

A strange expression flits over Deacon's face. He narrows his eyes and asks, "How long do you think I've been with him?"

"Two months? Ten weeks?"

"Over a year and a half."

"Almost two years?" How has he missed the signs? Or did Deacon and Rocker really manage to pull the wool over everyone's eyes? It has to be the latter because there was no way, no way, that gossip of the two of them in an affair wouldn't set HQ on fire. "Since when?"

"Since Sydney. You know, the one Hicks said you weren't allowed to attend after all that drama in Thailand?" Deacon leans back in his seat and he traces patterns in the condensation on the table.

"Did he seduce you? Did he, uh, I don't know. Did he get you drunk, or-or something?"

Deacon chuckles. "Wow. You're really trying to paint him as the bad guy, huh." He sighs. "Sorry, but, uh, I was the one who jumped him. The only thing he did wrong was not to punch me in the mouth after I kissed him." Deacon blows out a breath and laughs quietly again. Then his expression grows pensive as he regards Hondo. "He's not the one to blame. Every time he pulled away, I went after him. Hell, at some point he could've torpedoed my career by arresting me as a stalker. I chased after him. Couldn't stop thinking about him and couldn't cut ties with him. I don't know how to explain it."

There's a lot Deacon isn't saying. Hondo drinks his beer in silence for a while, trying to digest the information. "You said he pulled away."

"Yes, several times." With a small shrug, Deacon adds, "He went out of his way to schedule opposite shifts from 20-Squad. We fought about it. At one point I wanted to quit SWAT because I couldn't bear it. He talked sense into me, and then he made me promise to go our separate ways, told me to really work on my marriage."

Hondo raises his eyebrows. His eyes fall on the empty space on Deacon's ring finger.

"I tried. But every time I held Annie or kissed her or, heck, even just holding her hand... It didn't feel right, not anymore. Sleeping next to her while thinking of another was a special kind of torture." Deacon takes a long gulp of his beer and shuts his eyes. "I feel like such a failure admitting that out loud."

What can Hondo say to that? He doesn't have the right words for this. Nichelle would know how to approach the matter with more tact.

"I tried to focus on giving Annie what she needed, what she wanted. Focused on the kids. But I soon realized it was too late for that. The the affair was over for more than three months - a hundred and eleven days - when I finally decided that I was done lying to myself. I can't live a lie for the rest of my life... so I decided on divorce."

Hondo shakes his head in disbelief. "Really? You'd give up on your marriage and your family for him?"

"Hey. What's that tone? 'For him'?"

"Deac. It's Rocker. He's always been, like, mini-Mumford. He's competitive and cocksure and he snipes at us whenever he can."

"And he always shows up for us when we need him. And don't act like we don't like poking him in his sore spots either, okay? We're no angels." Deacon scratches the tip of his nose. "You only see him at work, Hondo. I'm not gonna go into details, but he's a completely different guy out of the uniform."

"I'm taking your word for it," says Hondo, slightly chastened, and then adds with a little smirk, "And I am not interested in hearing about him out of his uniform."

"Shut - You know I didn't mean it that way." Deacon's laughing now, shaking his head. Then he shrugs and rolls his eyes. "Okay, I did mean it that way. A little bit."

"Ah, no, I don't need to hear any of that."

That weak joke cracks the ice that was growing between them, and somehow Hondo breathes a little easier.

"But... is divorce really what you want?"

"It wasn't an easy decision to make. When I decided I had to tell Annie, I sat in my car and cried. I was a wreck. All I wanted was to go home to Donovan and I couldn't. So I cleaned myself up, got back to my house, kissed my kids as they slept, thinking that maybe, maybe looking at them, I could change my mind. And then I saw Annie in our bedroom and I knew I'd passed that point. You've no idea..." Deacon's stoic mask slips a little and the heartbreak is evident. "I love her. I do. But I can no longer bear to be with her. So I told her I wanted a divorce."

Hondo can't wrap his head around it. He loves Nichelle and he means to keep loving her as his wife for as long as he can. He can't picture walking away from Vivienne either.

Deacon clears his throat. "And the next day, she asked me again, if I meant it. And I still did. I still do. I wish... I wish it had never come to this." His lips twitch. "I fled the house and I went straight to Donovan's and for the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe." He scoffs and shakes his head. "All those times when I judged people for not upholding their marriage vows, for infidelity... And now I'm an adulterer, about to live in sin with my boyfriend."

Hondo hissed in a breath. "Divorce is one thing, but... Deacon, your faith means so much to you. The church - annulment of marriage is a really difficult thing for Catholics, right? And the kids. They're gonna be so confused," he says. "My father walked out on my mom and us for someone else, and we hated him for decades. I don't want that for you."

"I don't want them watching me grow increasingly resentful of their mother and of my marriage, Hondo." Deacon sighs. "As for the church, well. There are ways. I'll try to find the best way to give Annie the best chance at love in the future, with someone who'll love her the way she deserves, the way the kids deserve. As for my faith? Well, God will decide. If He says that I'm to be damned for my sins of loving Donovan, then let it be so."

From anyone else, it may sound melodramatic. But Hondo knows that Deacon genuinely means it. His friend has devoted himself to his faith for decades, and his roots in his belief are strong; for him to make this decision must have been harrowing.

"Custody?"

"I'll let Annie decide if she wants full or partial custody. I don't plan to fight her on anything, as long as I still have visitation rights at the very least." Deacon smiles bitterly. "It's a relief, being able to talk openly about all this." He clinks the neck of his beer bottle against Hondo's. "Thanks for, I don't know. This."

Hondo chews on the inside of his cheek. "So today, at the cafe with Rocker... You plan on coming out with him."

"We're talking about it. And he's..." A smile that's light and tender spreads over Deacon's face. "He tried to talk me out of the divorce, like you. But he's also happy about me choosing him. He's not exactly sure how to feel." He sighs. "I've put him in a tough spot for almost two years. I hate that so much. He's not meant to hide in the shadows and I selfishly forced him there."

"Does Annie know it's Rocker?"

"Not yet. She knows it's a man I'm involved with. But she will, soon, once Donovan and I decide how to proceed from here." Deacon looks at Hondo. "Or do you plan to tell her?"

For a moment, Hondo deliberated the choice. Eventually, he shakes his head. "I think that's something you need to tell her in person."

"Yeah. Yes I do." Deacon sighs. "I know I'm destroying something I've built for over ten years. I know Annie and the kids are gonna hate me and Donovan for a long, long time, if they ever forgive me." His mouth twists.

"So why do it?"

"Because I know that it's not a mistake. Nothing inside me - my mind, my heart, my conscience - says it's a mistake to see it through." The older man sighs. "I'm not trying to convince you. I'm not trying to convince anyone. I just know this is what I'm supposed to do. What I do regret is putting them through all of this. I feel guilty that I am choosing my own happiness over theirs, and ashamed I waited until I could no longer bear it to force this upon them."

Hondo finishes his beer. "I don't know if I can support you through this, Deac. I really don't."

"You don't have to." Deacon pauses and considers his words. "Support Annie and the kids. Especially the kids. I don't know if Annie will let me talk to them once I start the paperwork, but I need them to understand that I will love them with every fiber of my being till the end of my days." He reaches across the table and wraps his hands around Hondo's wrist. "Please."

"I can do that. Nichelle and I can both do that."

Deacon tightens his grip and smiles. "Thank you."

#the divorce arc #hondo harrelson #deacon kay #rockon #swat cbs #the hondo - deacon friendship is so important to me

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tkomptgoedluv · 2 days ago

Text

watermelon.

icantbelieveiletyougetaway pt.3

pt1. here | pt.2 here | pt.3

joost klein x f! reader

tags: f! reader, non-famous! reader, reader still really needs to see a therapist, established friendship, angst angst and even more angst, did i mention angst?, tooth-rotting fluff, so fluffy it’s honestly a little cringe <3, all characters are dutch and speak in dutch but dialogue is written in english for obvious reasons.

word count: 3,494.

warnings: very brief + vague reference to SA, rpf.

notes: hello!! welcome to pt.3 <3 this is probably the part that i’m most proud of, probably because it weirdly hurt the most to write. a couple fun facts about this part: reader’s coat is heavily based on one i have in real life and absolutely adore. also, i genuinely couldn’t bring myself to touch this wip for two whole days because my personal life started to match up with this storyline and i did not like it! became a little too self-indulgent. anyways — enjoy!! lemme know what you think.

love you all lots 💋

── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ──

in a lot of ways, the whole situation was more or less your own idea of hell — ironic, considering it all started with literally the worst night of your life.

not once did you ever think that you’d be here, that this was how things were gonna go. the fun part? you don’t even know how you got here in the first place. for someone so in the middle of it all, you know surprisingly little about what actually happened, or what you must’ve done wrong.

all that you know is that it’s different now. joost is different now.

you still text everyday, a few phone calls here and there, and you’ll see him in person a few times a month or more, but you can still feel it. the subtle lack of emotion in his messages, the only-ever increasing wait times in between responses, the missing details in his stories that you’d still end up hearing from your friends. something, at some point, shifted and joost just didn’t seem to be your joost anymore.

at first, you tried to think nothing of it. you weren’t exactly a stranger to anxiety; it’s always been just a little too easy for you to get lost inside your own head. this also wasn’t the first time that you had fallen down this rabbit hole, suddenly convinced that someone you love doesn’t even like you because they said something in a slightly different tone once.

but then those weird few days where things didn’t feel quite right turned into weeks, and it just didn’t feel like nothing anymore.

you thought it could’ve been the videos because, as predicted, entire montages of the fight found their way onto each and every little corner of the internet. joost could be seen clear as day swinging for him, landing punch after punch until one of his friends would eventually step in. though somehow, the backlash against joost never came. for every clip there was a ‘story-time’ to go right along with it, and every single one explained how joost was just defending ‘this girl that had been attacked by that guy.’

so instead you exhausted yourself asking if everything was alright, just in case there was something else going on that he also hadn’t told you. but there was only so many times that you could ask the same question over and over again, only to get the same answer back.

joost was fine; great even.

so it had to be you. nothing was wrong, nothing bad had happened, it was simply just you that had repelled him all of a sudden. and that was all you could think about whilst you sat in a room surrounded by your closest friends — joost included.

it was someone’s birthday, a friend of a friend who’s name was still unknown to you and yet somehow you still ended up with an invite. aspon was on your left, deep in a conversation with stuntje about some new anime you’d never heard of, and alanis was on your right, asking to see pictures of daan’s latest art piece.

you, of course, were there in between them all, just staring into space. all of the ice in your drink had melted as it sat forgotten about in your hands, and you were fairly confident that you had memorised each and every scratch in the wooden flooring. you were yet to find a better place to look other than the floor, because of course it was joost that had to be sat opposite you.

he had pulled the short straw really, because by the time he came back in from his cigarette outside, the only seat left was one of those awful, plastic fold-up chairs. like the others he too was wrapped up in a conversation of his own, only his included a girl that you’d never seen before, and he was making her laugh a lot.

you didn’t have a single right to absolutely despise what it was that you were seeing, but still your skin felt hot and itchy, and tears burned behind your eyes. despite arriving together in your group and being seated a measly three feet away from each other, joost was yet to even glance in your direction, let alone talk to you. the blatant avoidance was unbearable; the new ‘you’ that he was talking to was even worse.

but with the anger came the shame, because really, you had no excuse to be feeling like this. two strangers with mutual friends, talking with one another at a house party of all places, wasn’t exactly incriminating. they also weren’t touching or even flirting for that matter — from what you could hear, their conversation seemed limited to small anecdotes about the people in common they both knew.

you weren’t being fair, you weren’t being reasonable; there was no excuse for the tightness in your chest.

without a word, you got up and made a dash for the balcony; desperate for a cigarette. so desperate in fact, that you didn’t stop to grab your jacket despite the rain bashing against the windows. you just needed the fresh air, needed space away from whatever the fuck was going on in there.

the small roof that the balcony upstairs provided did little to shield you from the rain. your hair quickly fell damp around the sides of your face as the wind brought goosebumps to your arms. you really should’ve stopped to grab your coat, you were soaking now.

but the pure, unbridled relief that you felt when you breathed in the smoke of your cig made it all worth it, though. it was something else to focus on, something to help soothe all of your aches and pains. best of all, it gave you a reason to be by yourself for a while — a moment alone to think, to breathe, a chance to get a fucking grip.

you took another drag of your cigarette.

“think you forgot this, schatje.”

over the sound of the heavy-falling rain and the music from inside, you hadn’t heard the balcony door slide open and shut again.

from the corner of your eye you saw joost standing there, clad in a black gilet and the same adidas track-jacket that you had bought for him two birthdays ago. your coat was in his outstretched hands; a big, red furry thing that almost swallowed you whole every time you put it on.

“yeah…thanks.”

you wanted to cry.

the silence that followed was heavy and awkward; neither of you could even look at each other as you took your jacket from him and slipped it on. whilst you focused on looking outwards towards the skyline, blinking away any tears that threatened to spill, joost busied himself with lighting up a cigarette of his own. it felt like you were standing next to a stranger, and not someone who quite literally knew every single little thing about you.

someone who always picked up the phone when you called; someone whose bed you’ve woken up naked in just a few too many times to count.

“you, uh, you doing okay?”

you almost choked on your cigarette.

he’d barely even glanced your way all night, too distracted by other female attention to really care that you were there at all, and now he wanted to know how you were doing? oh he had to be joking.

you stubbed out your cig underneath your shoe and went to storm back inside, shoving past him with your shoulder as you did so. you had almost made it too, before he caught you by the arm and gently pulled you back. it really pissed you off how hurt he looked, like this wasn’t all his fault in the first place.

“hey, can we not just talk for a minute? i wanna know what’s been up with you recently. we don’t really talk anymore.”

as hard as you could you pushed him off of you, and then you pushed him once more for good measure. you couldn’t bite it back anymore, couldn’t keep it all from spilling out when your blood was already boiling. if you were to regret it in the morning, you would just blame it on the few drinks you’ve already had.

“and why the fuck do you think that is, joost? tell me.”

a small part of you that you really couldn’t quite understand, genuinely hoped that he would push you back. that he’d get all up in your face, yelling at the top of his lungs, just as angry with you as you were with him. you wanted him to shout, to scream at you about how wrong you were; you wanted to feel crazy for even thinking that something could ever go wrong between the two of you.

you didn’t want him to just…stand there with his tail tucked between his legs, looking like he had already given up on you a long time ago. you found yourself shoving him again, only hard enough to knock him back a step or two this time.

“tell me!”

now more than ever you wished that you could stay angry, that you knew how to hold onto the outrage instead of always just breaking down into pieces. it made you feel so small the way that your voice was cracking; your shouts quickly shrinking into cries. you felt like a child again, begging to understand why everyone always left in the end.

“i just needed to work some stuff out, okay? none of this was meant to happen. i never wanted to make you cry.”

you pressed the heels of your palms into your eyes, the state of your mascara becoming an afterthought, before raking your fingers through your hair. thin strands stuck to the corners of your face and the back of your neck.

“please, tell me what i can do to make it better.”

joost was panicking now, looking a lot like an old dog that somehow knew it was about to be left behind at the shelter. you could see it in the way his hands were shaking and how he couldn’t quite seem to stand still, shifting from one leg to another.

“you can tell me what happened; what changed or what i did wrong. i don’t care.”

from the look on his face, you never would have guessed that all you’d asked him for was the truth; ‘panicked’ was no longer the right word.

“i can’t. i promise, i’ll tell you later but i can’t tell you here. not like this.”

you laughed — you couldn’t help it. three months ago, when you asked him why he was so insistent on doing anything and everything for you, he gave you the exact same line. either he forgot that he’s already used it once before, or he thought you were stupid enough to fall for it all over again; either way, you knew now that ‘later’ was never coming.

before you really knew what you were doing, you were back inside and weaving your way through the small huddles of your friends. a few stared as you began to tread water through the house, a long line of watery footprints following behind you on your way out. you muttered a quiet ‘i’ll see you guys later’ to whoever was listening and in one smooth motion, grabbed your bag from one of the tables and disappeared through the front door, slamming it behind you.

no one tried to stop you. probably for good reason, too, because you could feel the makeup running down your face.

the only good thing to come from looking so sad and drenched from the rain was that nobody on the street stopped to bother you either. not many people were out in this weather anyway, so at most you felt their eyes on you as they passed, a look of pity on their faces. pity for a girl all dressed up for a nice night out, just to be walking home early in tears.

you didn’t want their pity, you just wanted to go home. you wanted your bed and your pyjamas. you wanted a nice warm shower and to try and forget that today ever fucking happened.

you didn’t want joost to be chasing after you.

you didn’t want to hear your name being yelled from down the street by the one person you didn’t want to see right now.

“cmon you always do this! stop running away from everything.”

that was the thing to get you; the one thing that made you stop and turn on the spot.

“oh i’m the one running away? you’re the one that left!”

you met him halfway with steam coming out of your ears, your hands trembling and nose all scrunched up. you were fuming and it seemed as though he was now, too.

“i never went anywhere! you’re making it sound like i disappeared off the face of the earth or something.”

“well that’s what it felt like! what about that don’t you understand?”

you were each taking turns yelling now, oblivious to how loud you were actually being. people were sticking their heads out of their living room windows, morbidly curious about the scene that was unfolding right outside their homes. those that walked by did double-takes and even contemplated getting their phones out to record.

“but i’m here now! and i was ‘here’ back there and you just ran away like you always do!”

“did you really expect me to just stand there and listen to you lie again? all this ‘oh i’ll tell you later’ crap, it’s just bullshit. ever since that night you’ve been different and if what that guy did to me changed how you see me then maybe you’re right, maybe we should stop being whatever the fuck we are.”

joost physically recoiled at your words, his entire demeanour changing to one of hurt.

“what are you..? schatje no, no, it’s nothing like that. fuck, please tell me you don’t really think that.”

how could you not? it was the only thing left for you to think. it wasn’t like you wanted to come to that conclusion or that it was the first one you jumped to, but joost never gave you any other choice. as much as it hurt, it was better than simply not knowing.

something died in him when you nodded — you saw it in his eyes. tears of his own spilled down his cheeks as he rubbed his hands up and down his face, wiping his nose with the inside of his elbow.

“i…i would never; that guy…that wasn’t your fault.”

“then tell me the truth, joost.”

all that adrenaline, all that energy from before was long gone. you weren’t two people arguing in the rain, full of love and anger like something straight out of a romcom anymore. you were just two people standing out in the cold, soaked to the bone, just trying to hold on for a little while longer.

you were still waiting for joost to say something, trying to prepare yourself for the worst. if he was to say that same shit again, that he couldn’t tell you now but would later on, that would be it for you. you’d walk away and not turn back again, not for anything; just like that it would be game over.

but joost wasn’t saying anything, and you couldn’t decide if that was any better or not. he was silent as he took a couple steps towards you, the palms of his hands suddenly cupping either side of your jaw. the pads of his thumbs wiped away all the tears and rain from your eyes and tucked the odd strands of hair behind your ears. not once did he glance away from your gaze, not once did he say something.

it was driving you crazy.

“joost?” you were pleading with him now, desperate for him to say something — do something. the way he was looking at you, it was like you were the only thing he could see. “say something.”

“i love you.”

you blinked, and all of sudden you weren’t quite sure what to do with your hands anymore. it wasn’t the first time joost had said that to you because he says it to everyone, every single one of his friends. but he had never said it to you like that before, with a look in his eyes so heavy you feared that they might fall right out of his head.

“what?” your voice cracked as you spoke. “i don’t understand…what?”

“i love you. that’s what changed.”

a headache was coming, you could feel it. right behind your eyes, you felt a twinge, and then a subtle thumping that made your eyebrows twitch. you just couldn’t wrap your head around it, and the more you tried to make sense of it the more your head hurt.

“i swear to god if this is a fucking joke, if you’re just making this up -”

he shut you up with a kiss.

it wasn’t exactly for the first time or even close to being so, but it felt as though it could’ve been; all soft, gentle, careful. the hands that held either side of your face did so as though you could’ve cracked and shattered at any second. he moved slowly, almost hesitantly, until he felt you turn into mush beneath him. only then did he pull away, a ghost of a smile lingering on his lips.

but you couldn’t let him have it though, could you? couldn’t just let him have the upper hand, just like that. you had to chase it, had to pull him down to your height by the collar of his jacket until your lips could meet his. by the time you were finished, both shaking and breathless, there were faint smudges of red all across his mouth.

“that was so hot; do it again.”

you laughed at his words for not the first time tonight, but now it was only out of pure joy instead of anything else. you laughed because of how out of it joost looked now, his eyes glossed over and lips parted ever so slightly as he panted. you laughed because of how much you did want to do it again and how you felt giddy knowing that joost wanted you to do it again too.

so you did. only this time joost was ready and pounced on you hard enough to knock you back a couple of steps, almost making you slip on the wet pavement. his fingers lost themselves in your hair, gently tugging at the roots as yours gripped onto the nylon of his jacket for dear life, too afraid to let go and risk letting him slip away.

you would have stayed like that with him all night if it wasn’t for the wolf whistle you heard from one of the windows above, followed by the rumble of thunder. the rain was starting to fall harder now, the storm only growing and you didn’t like knowing that people were watching you now.

“we shouldn’t be doing this here — people are looking.”

with his forehead resting against yours, joost simply groaned as he struggled to catch his breath. his hands still cradled the back of your head and his eyes were still squeezed shut.

“don’t care. need you.”

he may as well have been one of the puddles at your feet, the way he couldn’t even form proper sentences anymore. the things you were doing to him right now were criminal, almost cruel, and you were loving every minute of it. proud of it, actually. you might have been mush in his hands, but he was like putty in yours.

“well…maybe you should take me home then, yeah? then you can need me as much as you like.”

joost groaned again, muttering something about how you were ‘going to be the death of him’, and leaned back in. from your nose to your cheeks, to your chin, every inch was peppered with very sweet, very wet kisses.

“have i told you much i love you yet?”

he had, at least a handful of times by now, but not nearly enough as you would’ve liked. so you shrugged, a shit-eating grin plastered across your face as you did so, and stepped back, lacing your fingers with his.

“it’s okay, you can tell me one more time.”

apparently that was way too far for you to go, because after one singular step you were tugged back again and kissed as though joost’s very life depended on it. ironic, considering you were certain that you were both about to be struck by lightning at any moment.

“i love you.”

you figured if that were to happen by some chance, it’d be worth it if it meant staying here with him for just a little while longer.

“i love you too.”

#joost klein #joost klein x reader #joost klein x f!reader #luvvergirlwrites

81 notes · View notes

osohchoso · 2 days ago

Text

Under the Mistletoe

bf!Choso x Reader

“I just don't get what the big deal is about this Christmas thing.” He admits, his eyes flicking back to the screen for a brief second. Then it hits you. Sometimes you forget that there are still many things that feel foreign to the half-curse. Things that you grew up with and felt natural to you. Your sweet boyfriend has never experienced this magical winter holiday.

Content: fluff, fluff and more FLUFF, reader has no given gender or description, no use of y/n, established relationship, reader is homesick, reader is implied sorcerer, comfort, christmas and winter activities, pet names (baby, babe, love), found family, a bit cheesy, links to Twitter for visuals :)

SFW!

WC: 7.2k

December 1st

You and Choso are cuddling together on the couch as your fireplace crackles in the background, filling the house with a comfortable warmth that contrasts from the chilly outdoors. Eyes glued to the TV screen as you watch the first Christmas movie of the year. A large quilt wrapped around both of you, hands locked together beneath the blanket. His calloused thumb caresses the back of your hand, the only sign he was still awake. The warmth from his body acts as your personal heater as you lean your head against his shoulder. You exhale a pleasant sigh, this is exactly what you needed.

This would be your first year spending the holidays away from family. Now that December has come, you can’t stop thinking about how much you miss them. Christmas was always such a big deal back home, but you weren't able to accrue enough time off to fly back home. Last year you moved across the country for a job position at Jujutsu Tech, personally picked by Satoru Gojo himself. So you picked up and moved, essentially starting a whole new life. As scary as it was, you were welcomed into their community, making friends quickly with the other sorcerers and students. Through them, you also met your loving boyfriend Choso. Whose cheek is currently pressed against the top of your head as he stares at the TV screen.

“I just don't get it,” he mutters suddenly, more to himself than you.

“Get what baby?” You ask as he lifts his head, your gaze meeting his conflicted brown eyes.

“This” he waves his free hand wildly toward the movie you put on in hopes of curing your winter blues.

“Oh? You don’t understand the movie?” You ask, cocking your head. You thought it was a pretty straight forward story, it was a children’s movie after all. Before you can open your mouth to break down the plot of the animated film, he interrupts you.

“Oh! Christmas? It’s a holiday Cho. It happens once every year during December. It’s a special celebration where you gather with your loved ones and make lots of memories.”

“And…you're required to bring the trees in the house?” He points to the screen as the characters decorate a Christmas tree, a skeptical look on his face causing you to giggle.

“There is more than just that. It’s baking cookies and giving gifts, parties and hot cocoa!” As you gush about your favorite traditions, you feel a spark set off inside you. Igniting the Christmas spirit that the dreary weather had locked away from you, thawing the excitement you used to feel toward this season. “Most importantly, it's about spending time with family.” You add.

“I still don't think I fully understand.” He sighs, scratching the back of his neck as he processes your words.

That's when you realize, you don’t have to fly all the way back home to celebrate. Choso is your family now, and he’s right here. With the cutest confused look plastered to his face as he waits for you to reply.

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you.” You smile warmly before leaning in to plant a light kiss to his cheek.

After 150 years, Choso would be celebrating his first Christmas.

December 8th

Both you and Choso were lucky enough to only work a half day today. Warnings of a looming snowstorm caused the school to close early, wanting the students and staff to take necessary precautions. The two of you decide to head back to your place together after leaving Jujutsu Tech, snow already lightly falling. He opens the front door for you, always such a gentleman, and follows you inside.

“Can we watch another Christmas Movie?” He asks slightly excited before he's even finished sliding his boots off. His sudden interest in the holiday catches you by surprise. You have both been so busy with work the past week you haven’t had any time to relax together, let alone indulge in some holiday festivities.

“Sure Choso.” You smile as you lead him over to the couch, throwing a couple blankets over the two of you. You find another holiday classic and press play.

“Yuji told me about Christmas,” he mentions, eyes glued to the screen. “It sounds very fun and I can’t wait to celebrate it with you.” He whispers as he presses his lips to your temple in a soft kiss. His sweet words warm your soul.

“Me too Cho. I’m glad I get to spend my Christmas with you.” You melt into his embrace as the movie plays.

“I've been researching it. Christmas” he explains. “It’s something you love, so I want to know all there is about it.” He admits. How did you end up with such a thoughtful man?

As the movie continues, you notice Choso paying attention less and less, his eyes drawn to the heavy snow falling outside your window. Eventually, he ignored the movie completely, the movie he requested to watch. Mesmerized by the falling specks of white. You reach for the remote to pause the film.

“Baby, you aren’t even watching” you laugh slightly, elbowing him in the side.

“Sorry. It's just…look.” He doesnt turn back to you as he speaks, eyes still watching the window. His index finger pointing. “It’s beautiful.” He exhales dreamily. The way he speaks about the weather, something so common this type of year, makes you smile wide.

“It is isn't it. Do you want to go outside and watch?” You ask.

“Yes! Can we?” He nods furiously, excited with the chance to see his first snowfall up close, to observe it fall from the sky.

The two of you stand and move toward the door. He reaches for the door handle to rush out but you stop him. He looks at you, confused and cocking his head to the side. First you offer to go outside and now you're telling him no.

“Wait, you need to bundle up first. I don't want you to catch a cold.” You grab a knit beanie and slip it over his pigtails, making the hat bulge awkwardly from the amount of hair stuffed underneath. Then wrapping a red scarf around his neck and face, making sure it stays snug against his cheeks. You repeat the same process for yourself before allowing him to exit the house.

Once outside, he stares up at the sky. Snow collects on his dark lashes as he watches it fall from the source. Struck by fascination. He doesn't speak a word, just watches the powder fall to earth, and you can't help but watch him in return. The way he gazes up with child-like wonder.

A light bulb flashes in your head. You walk across the yard, Choso not even noticing your disappearance. Reaching down, you scoop up a handful of snow. An icy chill spreading through your bare fingers. Smashing it together to form a tight ball and tossing it directly into his side. He flinches and turns at you, an almost startled look on his face.

“What the heck was that for?” he tilts his head to the side, almost looking offended by your attack.

“Time for a snowball fight!” you declare as you reach down and grab another handful, packing the ball and launching at his stomach. He lets out a small huff before bending down to mimic your actions, tossing it back. Of course, his aim is perfect. Not once failing to miss his target, you. No matter how much you try and dodge, they all land. While you throw them with all your might, Choso tosses them gently. Like he's afraid one wrong throw would break you. Treating you like you're more fragile than a glass sculpture.

“Ok truce, truce!” you throw your freezing hands up, he drops the snowball he had been preparing in his hands. You jog back to his side, seeing his bangs poke out from under the beanie, caked in the falling snow. Reaching up, your fingers brush against the brown strands, shaking it free of the white powder clinging to it. The scarf loosened, revealing his smiling face, his nose and cheeks tinted a bright red from the winter wind.

“Let's go inside my pretty boy.”

December 10th

You enter Jujutsu Tech in the morning, walking to the break room and making a pot of coffee for you and the other staff members. Once it is brewed you pour yourself a mug and walk down the hall toward the classrooms. You notice Yuji as he enters the building, alone. Him and Choso always arrive together. Seeing him walk in alone is just odd.

“Yuji? Where is your brother?” You ask, sipping from the mug, trying to distract yourself from the concern brewing in your stomach.

“Um…Choso caught a cold.” He says sheepishly. Your instincts were right to worry. Of course he did, and of course he wouldn't tell you. He has a bad habit of hiding his issues from you so you won't worry. He hates to see you worry, especially if it’s about him. Probably even begged his younger brother not to tell you, but Yuji knew better than to keep secrets from you.

“Thanks for telling me” You say softly to Yuji, smiling as you pat his shoulder.

You decide to just work another half day today, dismissing the students early. They have been working hard these last few months, and with Christmas break fast approaching you decided to take it easy on them. They deserved some rest time too. Gathering your things, you leave quickly and make your way to Choso’s place.

You stopped at a convenience store on the way, making sure to pick up some cold fighting essentials. You can’t help but feel partially at fault. Just two days ago you were both outside playing in the snow. While you made sure to layer him in winter clothing beforehand, you may have stayed out a little too long.

You unlace your boots and shed your winter layers when you enter the front door, tossing them onto the bench in the entryway. An earth shattering sneeze coming from the bedroom makes you jump out of your skin, the noise leading to Choso’s bedroom. Walking down the hall to his room, plastic bed crinkling in hand with each movement.

Peering into his room, you see him lying in his bed, bed sheets pulled up to his chin. Noticing your footsteps, he turns on his side to look at you. The poor boy is in a rough state. His hair messy as it lays spread over his pillow and his cheeks slightly flushed. His nose is red and angry, raw from the tissues. A big, dramatic pout on his lips when his eyes fall on your form.

“You got sick?” You ask as you walk forward and sit on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on his back through the blankets. He nods, almost disappointed looking.

“Yuji said I have a cold.” His voice is so rough and raspy it makes you wince. “What if I'm not better in time for Christmas?” he looks up at you, wide eyed and slightly panicked.

“It’s common this time of year Cho, the cold changing weather seems to bring it on for a lot of people.” You speak softly as you continue to rub his back through the blanket. “Don’t worry, it should only last a few days.”

“You shouldn’t be here, you could get sick too,” he frowns. While that is true, you don’t care right now. Not when your poor boyfriend looks as miserable as he does, fighting the first cold of his lifetime. Catching his sickness was a risk you were willing to take.

“I’m here to make you feel better.” You whisper, pressing your lips to his forehead in a feather-light kiss. No fever, that’s good. He opens his mouth to protest again but breaks off in a fit of painful coughs. Your hands firmly rubbing his back as he works through it. Once he stops, he looks at you with glassy eyes. A look of defeat and acceptance as he shifts over in his bed to make room next to him.

“Here, sit up” You ask, and he complies. Adjusting so his back is against the headboard. You rustle around in the bag and pull out some medicine and a cold bottle of water. When you place the pills in his hand, he looks at you with unease. This is all a new and unpleasant experience for him.

“Trust me, it will help.” You murmur, holding out the water bottle for him.

“I do trust you” He rasps, popping the pills in his mouth and washing them down with cool water, easing his throat.

“Try not to talk so much, you're just going to make your throat worse.” He responds with a nod.

After he eats a bowl of warm chicken noodle soup, the two of you lay down in bed as yet another animated Christmas movie plays on the screen. The fatigue must have finally caught up to him. His head resting against your shoulder as the rest of his body leans on you like dead weight. Congested snores leaving his open mouth.

As you look at him, it's hard to believe that a man so big and strong can look so small and vulnerable at this moment. You lay him down to settle comfortably on his bed, tucking him in nice and tight.

“My poor big baby” you whisper to no one but yourself as your fingers brush a strand of hair out of his face. For a slight moment, you catch his lips twitch into a quick smile, reacting to your touch even in his sleep.

December 14th

Thanks to your care, Choso is back to normal in no time, and luckily you also dodged the bullet of catching his cold. He joins you back at work by the end of the week, sitting in the breakroom together on lunch break. A few of the other teachers and staff are also eating with you.

“I just feel bad.” Shoko’s voice catches your attention. You notice her shoving a tomato in her salad bowl around with her fork.

“What’s wrong?” you ask her, taking a bite of your sandwich.

“A lot of the students here won’t be able to go home for the holidays, and some just don't have family to return to if they wanted.” She lets out a long sigh.

“It’s not just the students.” Satoru continues. “I know neither of you are going home, and I’m staying right here too.” His fingers drum on the table in thought.

“It’s rough. I really miss my family, Christmas was such a big thing for us” You pout, setting your sandwich down. Suddenly you don’t feel hungry anymore, the homesickness striking your stomach. While you were thankful you get to spend the holiday with your boyfriend, you still yearn for the comfort of home. You can feel Choso’s gaze on you without even looking at him.

“Who says we can’t celebrate Christmas with friends?” Choso asks quietly, chewing his food. Everyone turns to look at him. Noticing he has everyone’s attention, he freezes. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks quickly with pink tinted cheeks. Looking from Satoru, Shoko then finally to you.

“No! That's a great idea Cho!” You exclaim, throwing your arms around him in a hug.

“Yeah, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Let's throw a party! And do something nice for the students too!” Satoru jumps up from his seat and yells.

“Great idea, we are practically all family here anyway” Shoko gives a small smile.

“I'll host it at my house!” You offer, excited to have everyone over and celebrating with you. This will fill the void of missing home.

At the end of the day, all the staff and students who are staying home this holiday gather in one room. You and Satoru seem to have the most excitement out of anyone here, explaining the plans quickly and watching the smiles grow on the student’s faces.

“And no presents, just show up and have a good time with everyone” You tell them, not wanting the students to have to spend a dime. You and the rest of the staff will have everything covered, you just want everyone to enjoy each other's company. The way the holidays should be spent.

And you will do everything in your power to make sure they have the perfect Christmas.

“But what if we did secret santa?” Nobara questions, hand on her hip as she looks directly at you. Yuji stands next to her shaking his head vigorously in agreement.

“Great idea!” Satoru chimes in before you have a chance to respond. You have to admit it’s not a bad idea. As long as everyone keeps it simple and no one goes overboard, it should be fine.

“Sure, we can do secret santa. But no other gifts! And keep it under 25 dollars” you explain as Shoko passes around a slip of paper for everyone to write their name on and a few ideas of things they want.

“Um…what’s secret santa?” Choso whispers in your ear so only you can hear, likely embarrassed by yet another holiday activity he doesn’t understand.

“It’s kinda like a gift giving game” you start to explain, writing your name on the paper. “You will randomly get assigned a person to bring a gift for, but you have to keep it a surprise. Don’t let them know it’s you though.” He nods his head then starts to scribble his name on this slip of paper. Satoru then collects everyone’s and puts them inside a cowboy hat (why he had that in his office, no one knows). He walks around and holds the hat out for everyone to draw a name.

You reach inside, feeling around and plucking out a paper between two fingers. Opening it, you see the neat letters spelling out NOBARA inside. Along with a lengthy list of items she wants.

Choso reaches in next, dark brows drawn together as he focuses. It’s almost as if picking out the paper slip was more important than any mission he’s ever been sent on. Finally, he picks one. Pulling it out and slowly unfolding the note. You watch as he reads the name, a wide toothy grin spreads across his face.

Wonder who he pulled?

December 16th

With Christmas barely over a week away you have been spending much of your free time preparing your home. Dusting every nook and cranny, polishing the windows until they were shinier than the north star. It was a bit excessive, but it was the first time you would have everyone from the school in your house all at once. You needed it to be perfect.

All that's left to do is decorate. Red and green totes sit in the living room unopened. All filled with Christmas decorations your parent’s sent with you when you moved. You haven't even peeked inside, no clue what sort of things they may have given you. You were waiting on Choso and Yuji to come back, that way the three of you could decorate together.

You forgot that this is also Yuji’s first Christmas with his big brother, you needed to share. The two of them need time to create their own special memories. Which is why today, you sent the pair on a mission. A mission to find and bring home the perfect tree from the Christmas tree farm. Even though Choso still thinks it's a bit ridiculous to bring nature inside.

While today wasn't particularly snowy, it was still chilly. Hopefully they won’t come back as two human popsicles. You stand at the stove stirring a pot of chocolate and milk, watching the ingredients swirl together. Preparing a sweet surprise to warm them up when they return. You also prepared the fireplace for them to thaw their frozen fingers.

As you finish the hot chocolate and pour it into three mugs, the front door opens. The brothers carry the tree in together, then lean it against the wall so they can take their boots and coats off. As Choso peels off his layers, he reveals the purple knitted sweater underneath. The one your mom sent as an early present for him, a little too small as it clings to his sculpted muscles. It makes you smile to see him wearing the handmade gift.

“Hot chocolate!?” Yuji exclaims as he runs over to you, your hands extended out with a mug for each of them. You nod, and Yuji takes it. Eagerly taking the first sip and letting out a relieved sigh. Choso walks up to you, taking the mug from your hands and wrapping his fingers around it.

“Thank you” he whispers, pressing his icy nose to your cheek to nuzzle against your warm skin. Even with his still frozen body, you can feel the warmth of his happy smile radiate on you. He takes the first sip, a low hum as he savors the taste. “Mmmm…this is really good”

Once the boys were thoroughly warmed up, it was time to begin decorating. They set the tree up in the corner, a beautiful blue spruce. Its large triangle shape fits perfectly in the spot you picked out for it.

“What do you think?” Yuji asks you, taking a step back as he admires their tree. Choso still adjusting it so it stands the way he invisions.

“It's perfect, the best Christmas tree I’ve ever seen.” You smile at the pink-haired boy.

“Choso picked it out. He saw this one and said ‘it’’s the one’” Yuji imitates his brother’s deep voice as he copies his words. Choso overhears and quickly looks away, pretending to still be busy with situating the already perfect looking tree. The tips of his ears turning pink.

You leave the boys to decorate the tree, letting them rummage through the boxes of Christmas ornaments and fumble with the tangled string of lights. The two of them smile and laugh amongst themselves as they work. An occasional cuss as they poke their finger on a needle.

A Christmas playlist emanating from the speakers. You sing along as you put up the other decorations. Hanging up garland and strings of dried oranges in the hallways, lights in the window and wreaths on the door. Three stockings hung up on the fireplace, your name along with Choso and Yuji’s printed on the front. Even though you three agreed to no presents, that wouldn’t stop you from filling their stockings to the brim. You already planned to spoil them with their favorite snacks and other things they enjoy.

A surprised gasp from Choso catches your attention, you rush over to him and see him cradling a small ornament in his hands. Looking down at it with a big smile.

“What is it?” You ask, trying to catch a glimpse of what he's holding so delicately, but he moves, holding the ornament out of view as he continues to stare with a big goofy grin.

“Babe…” He trails off, his eyes looking from the ornament then to you. “Is this you?” He finally turns it around to show you. A printed baby picture of you inside a snowman shaped frame, you weren't even a year old yet. Red letters at the bottom have your birth year and ‘First Christmas’ written on it.

“That is so embarrassing” you mumble, honestly you thought your parents would have kept that for their own tree instead of sending it with you. “You don’t have to put it on the tree.” You try to swipe it out of his hand but he holds it up higher.

“Nu uh. This is so cute. It’s definitely going on.” He steps away from your reaching arms and hangs it up high, admiring your baby face with a smile.

Once all the ornaments are hung, you plug in the lights strung around it. The three of you standing back to admire it. Twinkling brightly in the corner of the room. Choso stands in the middle, wrapping an arm around you and Yuji. His two favorite people in the world.

“It’s beautiful” You smile as you gaze on the most perfect Christmas tree you ever set eyes on, the star shining brightly at the top.

“Yeah” Is all Choso manages to say, though his eyes are on you instead of the tree.

After a moment of silence, Yuji speaks up.

“Let's take a picture together!”

December 24th

Christmas eve is here and everything for the party is ready for tomorrow. You felt like a little kid who couldn't wait until morning to see what Santa brought. To make things more exciting, Choso decided to stay the night tonight. He said Christmas morning wouldn’t feel right if he didn't wake up with his family.

Yuji had also planned to stay the night, but decided at the last minute to have a sleepover with Megumi and the other students instead. You could tell Choso wanted to tell him no, but let him anyway. He can never deny his brother anything. Plus, Yuji promised to be here first thing in the morning.

You and the other staff decided to each make a dish for the party, you and Choso getting assigned dessert duty. Tonight, the two of you planned to bake gingerbread cookies together. All the ingredients are laid out on the counter as you reach for two aprons. You tie one around yourself first, then grab the other and turn to Choso who is standing in the kitchen watching you with a way too serious look. You throw the loop around his head then move behind him, reaching your hands around his waist to tie the strings in a neat little bow.

“I look ridiculous” he grumbles, his fingers tugging at the slightly frilly ends.

“No, you look cute” You wrap your arms around him in a hug, chest pressed against his back.

“Are you sure this is necessary?” He asks, looking over his shoulder at you with uncertinty.

“Yup. Don’t want your clothes to get dirty.” The clothes could easily be washed after, you know this. But seeing Choso in the pink and frilly apron just makes your heart flutter.

“Whatever.” He sighs, leaning into your hug and relaxing a bit.

The two of you work away at making the cookies. Holding a hand mixer, you mix the molasses into the batter. The thick and sticky substance dancing around the bow with the other ingredients.

“Next we need the flour mixture, can you add that, Cho?” With the mixer still in hand, you angle your head toward the glass bowl containing the flour and mixed in spices. He nods and reaches for it, tilting the bowl to pour it into the one you're stirring. A little too fast it seems as a puff of powdery smoke hits you right in the face.

“Too fast Choso!” you cough out the flour as you slow the mixer to a stop. He laughs and grabs your chin gently with his fingers, turning you to look at him. The thumb on his other hand wipes away the flour clinging to your face.

“Sorry” He struggles to stop his laughter as he cleans your face off.

Once the dough is complete, Choso uses the rolling pin to flatten it. His forearm muscles flexing as he rolls it out. The two of you cut out the gingerbread and place them on a cookie sheet, into the oven they go. The fragrant smell of cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg wafting through the air as they bake.

In the meantime, you prepare the icing. Whisking together milk and powdered sugar to create frosting thick enough to pipe. You set the whisk into the sink, only turning your back for a moment but when you look back you caught Choso red handed. His finger in the bowl as he scoops out a glob, then quickly pops the finger in his mouth to taste the sweet icing. He doesn't realize you were watching and his finger darts back in for a second taste.

“Hey!” you smack his hand before it makes contact for the frosting. His face turns red as he gives you a sheepish smile, caught in the act. “Save some for the cookies Cho!” you laugh.

With the cookies now cool, the two of you begin to decorate. Piping eyes and cute little smiles on their gingerbread faces. Adding hearts as buttons. You had to admit, they were looking so cute. Looking over at Choso, who has remained quiet for some time, you notice the intense concentration on his face as he decorates. His eyes narrowed and brows furrowed as his hand delicately squeezed the piping bag. You want to ask what he's creating but you are afraid of breaking his focus and messing him up.

“Look” he finally says, turning the cookie around to reveal his masterpiece. It was a cookie version of Yuji! An almost perfect replica. Complete with his spiky hair and school uniform. Even a crack in the cookie to replicate the scar over his eyebrow.

“Wow! That's so amazing, I had no clue you were an artist Choso.” You exclaim with a smile.

“Thanks” he says shyly, setting cookie Yuji with the rest of your completed cookies. He picks up the next one, his focus returning as he creates more. Probably wanting to make Megumi and Nobara too.

You grab another blank cookie, an idea forming in your brain. Using the icing as glue, you stick together matching spikes crafted from cookie scraps on either side of the gingerbread man’s head. Choso is off in his own world, not even paying attention. Leaving you to work on your creation unquestioned. You carefully piped the icing, occasionally looking up to glance at your muse across the table. Once you finished, you turned it over to show him.

“Choso, look what I made” you say to get his attention, his eyes widen as they scan the details of the cookie. The line across the face, the twin pigtails.

“You made…me?” he says surprised, pointing at himself.

“Yes” You smile, and watch as he unveils his most recent creation to you. Your own cookie mini-me. Every detail was placed with care, and you have to admit, he did a great job replicating you.

Once all the cookies were decorated to the nines and the kitchen cleaned, the two of you started to unwind in bed, yet another Christmas movie playing on the TV. Changed into a pair of matching pajamas. Red fleece with a pattern of tiny snowflakes and snowmen. It was kinda cheesy, but you wanted Choso to experience the full Christmas morning experience. To your surprise, he absolutely loved the idea of wearing matching pjs with you.

Cozy and warm, Choso drifts to sleep under the mountain of blankets before reaching the halfway point of the movie. A peaceful expression on his face, leaving you to wonder if visions of sugar-plums danced in his head.

As quiet as a mouse, you crept out of bed. Grabbing the items hidden away in the closet and walking out to the living room. There by the fireplace, three stockings hung with care. You fill Yuji’s with his favorite snacks and a couple gift cards. Inside of Choso’s you place the same, but with the addition of one extra special wrapped gift.

You can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens it tomorrow.

December 25th

“Wake up!” Choso’s excited voice jolts you awake, peeling open your sleepy eyelids. He has you caged under him, a giant smile plastered to his face and his bed hair falling messily around him. Like a child waking up their parents on Christmas morning. “Good morning sleepy head” He coos, bending his head down to pepper your cheek in kisses.

“Good morning Cho” you say groggily, stretching your arms out.

“You gotta get up! It’s Christmas!” He pokes your cheek a few times, like it’s a button that will make you move faster. As he looks down on you with his charming smile, you can’t help but smile back. His happiness is infectious. It’s hard to believe that 25 days ago, this man didn’t have a clue what Christmas was. Now look at him.

“Okay okay, get off me so I can get up” You laugh, he immediately steps off the bed and holds a hand out for you. You place your hand in his palm as he hoists you up and out, pulling you into his chest and wrapping you in a tight hug.

“Merry Christmas, love” he murmurs onto the top of your head..

“Merry Christmas” You echo, savouring the warmth of his hug.

“Come on! I have a surprise for you!” He breaks the hug and reaches for your hand, dragging you out of the bedroom. He pulls you past the illuminated tree and into the kitchen. The smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls fills the air. The smell transports you back to your childhood, your mother always would bake a batch of cinnamon rolls with orange glaze every Christmas morning. But that was something you never mentioned, Choso couldn't have possibly known that. Right?

He hands you a plate with a large cinnamon roll, your mouth watering. You don’t even wait to sit down for the first bite, fingers sticky with icing as you lift it to your lips. Teeth sinking into the still warm baked good. The sweet flavors coat your palette, and somehow they tasted exactly like your Mom’s famous treats. Her secret recipe that she refused to pass onto anyone, not even you.

“Choso…” you trail off, setting the cinnamon roll down on the plate and turning your gaze to his. He watches you full of pride and love. “How..” you start to ask, wanting to know how on earth he knew to make these, but he cuts you off.

“Come on” he says, one hand on your shoulder as he leads you over to the dining table. Your laptop propped open in front of two chairs. The second you can view the screen, you see them. Your parents.

“Merry Christmas honey!” they exclaim as you take a seat in front of them. A few tears spilling from your eye you didn't know were forming.

This was Choso’s big surprise. Ever so observant, he saw how much you were missing home and how much you wanted to see your family. He set the whole morning up, with help from your mom of course. He wanted you to be able to eat breakfast with your family just like you used to, no matter how far away they were.

His mom even taught him how to make her cinnamon rolls you loved so much, that way all of you could enjoy the same breakfast at the same time. Separated by a computer screen that felt barely there in the moment. It was like you teleported back home, eating with the family again.

After breakfast, it was Choso’s turn to get emotional.

The two of you sit on the floor in front of the Chtistmas tree, feeling like two little kids digging through your stockings. You were surprised to see he filled yours as well. Candy and your favorite collectable trinkets. He digs through his, making sure to mutter a ‘thank you’ for every little item he finds inside.

He pulls out the last item, the small wrapped box you placed inside last night. He holds it up, tossing a skeptical look your way.

“Thought we agreed to no presents?” he asks.

“I think it’s a bit too late for that.” you point to the contents from both of your stockings. He says nothing in response, knowing you're right. Neither of you ever had any intention of following the ‘no presents’ rule. “Just open it” you urge him.

His fingers slowly pull on the delicate ribbon until it falls away, then ripping away the wrapping paper. A small red box inside. He lifts off the lid and he stops. Momentarily stunned as he stares at the contents inside. Then, the waterworks start. Drops slipping from his eyes as he holds up the small ornament.

“Thank you! I love it.” he sniffles, wiping away the ever falling tears. You found the small snowman ornament online, one that was identical to yours and able to hold a picture inside. Inside the frame was a picture of you and Choso, standing in front of the freshly decorated tree. Your hand writing at the bottom saying ‘our first Christmas’ in red.

Your intention wasn't to make him cry, and you almost felt bad seeing him in this blubbering state. But your worries melt away as he pulls you in close, burying his face into the crook of your neck until the tears slow. He was always such a big softie, even though he pretends not to be.

“Thank you, this means so much to me” he whispers once he's calmed back down. Standing up to place his gift on the tree next to your matching first Christmas ornament.

Later that evening, the party is in full swing. Yuji and Nobara each with an arm linked around a grumpy Megumi, matching sweaters on the three of them. Maki and Yuta watch as Toge and Panda dance wildly to Rockin’ around the Christmas tree. Shoko scolds a tummy-aching Satoru for eating too many sweets after dinner.

Dinner was phenomenal, it was so fun to get everyone together in one place for a feast. A wide variety of food brought by the other staff, enough for everyone to get their fill and then some. You couldn’t believe how full you were, and judging by the look on your boyfriend’s face, he may have overindulged too. Even with the full bellies, everyone was excited to find the cookie versions of themself that Choso created.

Sitting in the living room, everyone starts to find their secret santa gifts. You watch as Nobara opens the one from you. Her eyes lighting up as she pulls out the tube of lipgloss. It’s from a brand she hasn't stopped talking about for the past four weeks. Yes, it may have been a tiny bit over the 25 dollar budget you set, but you wanted to splurge on your students. Nobara says a thousand thank yous as she applies it immediately, the color looking perfect on her.

You open your gift next, a large box with blue snowflake wrapping paper. Inside, it was filled to the brim with all sorts of candy. Many from luxury brands you have never heard of. While it wasn’t exactly what you wanted, you are still thankful. You are also excited to try the fancy chocolate bar with a name you can't pronounce. You know exactly who this is from, you spot the white haired sorcerer who is mouthing ‘you're welcome’ in your direction with a smirk.

Yuji opens his, pulling out a shirt with the letters spelling out ‘#1 LITTLE BROTHER’ across the front. Plastered on the back is a picture of him and Choso together, both making equally silly faces. Yuji breaks out in laughter as he holds the shirt up to show it off.

“Oh! I wonder who my secret santa could be!” He says sarcastically, smiling at his older brother.

It’s ironic really, as Choso pulls out his present. A red mug with the words ‘#1 BIG BROTHER’ across the side. Of course those two would get each other.

As the party starts to wind down, Choso stands up and waves a hand, beckoning you to follow him down the hall. You excuse yourself from the conversation with Shoko and trail after him. He stands in the middle of the hallway, the sounds of laughter getting fainter as you join him.

“I have one more gift for you” He whispers, pulling a small rectangle box behind his back. It’s beautifully wrapped, the paper resembling the bark from a birch tree. A neat green ribbon tying it together.

“You shouldn't have” You murmur, taking the gift from his hands. A small smirk tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Well…I wanted to.” He waits for you to open it. Part of you doesn’t want to disturb the expertly wrapped paper, the other part is dying to know what's inside. You tear it open, revealing a velvet black box. You hinge open the lid, inside is a pretty silver necklace. The charm at the end is a teardrop shaped gem, your birthstone.

“It’s so pretty” You say as you lift it out of the box, dangling the pendent in front of you. Your eyes catching on the way the gem dances in the light. “Put it on me?” you ask, holding it out for him. He takes it from you as you turn around, wrapping the chain around and gently securing the clasp, his breath hot on your neck. You turn back to face him, adjusting how the charm sits against your neck.

“How does it look?” You ask, he eyes you up and down.

“Beautiful, it looks amazing on you. I knew it would.” He smiles softly, taking a step closer, a hand placing itself on the small of your back. You suddenly feel a little guilty. The necklace seemed expensive, and you didn’t get him much in return. Just some treats and the Christmas ornament.

“Choso…I wish I would have gotten you something more in return.” you frown, but he just shakes his head.

“No, I don’t need fancy things. Besides, you already gave me the best present of all. You gave me the gift of Christmas. And I spent the whole day…no, the whole month, making precious memories with you. What more could I ask for?” His words touch your soul, burning hotter than the warmest summer day.

“Look up,” he says suddenly, pointing toward the ceiling with the hand not on your back. A small bundle of green leaves and white berries hang, tied together with a red bow. Mistletoe. You didn’t put this here when you were decorating, it must have been his doing.

“Did you do this?” you laugh looking into his eyes. He nods.

“When I was studying Christmas stuff...” he trails off sheepishly, his cheeks turning pink. “I read that this is a symbol of love. You know what people do under the mistletoe, right?” He asks, his eyes traveling to your lips as they curve in a smile.

“Yes, I know,” You say, wrapping your hands around his neck. One hand cradling the back of his head as you pull him closer. He keeps his hand pressed to your back while the other cups your cheek, his thumb stoking your soft skin as his lips close the distance. His lips moving against yours in a sweet and tender kiss. Pouring all of his burning love into the moment.

He pulls back, hooded eyes roaming your face. Hot breath as he whispers your name.

“I love you” He whispers against your lips before he goes in for another kiss. “I’ll always love you”

A/N: I hope all of you lovely readers have an amazing holiday!! :)

The linked pictures of the cookies were made by me. Feel free to follow my twitter!

If you enjoyed this fic, I have two ongoing JJK fanfics you may also like. Check out them out here.

dividers by: @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

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donnerpartyofone · 2 days ago

Note

What was the process like for writing the novelization for Splice? Would you consider writing a novelization of an existing work again?

Eek I'm being interviewed! I'M SO FAMOUS. There are a lot of parts to this answer. The shortest answer is that I really just watched SPLICE in tiny sections every single day for a very, very long time. I had a certain version of the script to work from, but it wouldn't contain the exact things that were said and done in front of the camera (no script would), so I just studied the movie. I scanned the sets for objects I could not identify, of which there are a LOT -- things I've never seen before, and things I've seen but couldn't name -- and searched online until I learned to describe things like hay trolleys and circulating baths. To me, the point of a novelization is that it produces an interior and sensorial experience not offered by a screen, so I tried very hard to expand on the material qualities suggested by the movie.

It never once occurred to me to change anything. Apparently this is an expectation of novelizations. I had a writeup in Fangoria that was very kind about my ability to make psychological sense out of the things people do in SPLICE, but that expressed disappointment that I hadn't added scenes or anything. I'm such an inveterate, pathetic sort of rule-follower, I didn't even ask myself about this. I did change one exact thing, regarding the kind of candy that Elsa eats, because it was meaningful and amusing to me to do so, but I don't think anybody will ever get it. I also included just a little bit of material from the script that didn't make it into the movie, because it was completely in line with my psychological interpretation, which was what I was most concerned with.

I never thought of SPLICE as a perfect film, but I had a lot of thoughts about it, and I think my main contribution was to explain what these characters are thinking and feeling as they wade into this life-changing and profoundly icky experience together. That became very personal very quickly and I was a little bit afraid that maybe this would be how everyone would find out how totally insane I actually am, but I'm told that that part worked out pretty good -- by Vincenzo Natali, among other people, who is SO NICE AND SMART AND SUPPORTIVE. Best guy! When I turned in my draft to the publisher I thought there might be a little back and forth, I did not expect them to send the raw document directly to Vincenzo and I was very alarmed when I heard from him before anybody else, but I really had nothing to fear. He's one of my favorite people now.

I would definitely do another novelization. Actually I think I'm uniquely suited to this because I have a good dose of aphantasia. I didn't even know until recently that it's statistically weird to think mostly or exclusively in words and to have a very hard time visualizing, like, almost anything. When I started telling people this about myself I was asked, among other things, "How do you do anything if you can't picture what you're going to do?" And I was like, uh...I don't know. Maybe this is connected to my extreme executive problems and my problems with goal formation and followthrough. I mean I think this is true, now. And I developed this sort of half-joking self-mythology that I have to be watching movies every second of the day because I suffer from an image deficit and I need external infusions. Like even when I used to draw (trauma took that away, long story, but I drew all the time for like half my life), almost everything I ever made was swipes -- and I think they're pretty good, like it's worthy as art. But I guess for me, art has to be made out of something external that I manipulate. All the art I've ever made without a reference point has been maybe technically OK but really lifeless, you can tell something is missing. So I think the novelization process was a lot like how I used to draw, where I had a completely concrete external referent and I would just sort of tour it very extensively until I had created a twin of it out of my interpretations. And the twin is like, the same but different, it's a clone made out of feelings and reactions. I think that's a worthy sort of art object to make.

There's a thing I'm working on now that I'm sure I won't be able to talk about for a long while, but it involves writing things from preexisting sketches and prompts, and that's a little bit the same. I don't have as much to go on, but I can tell what the shape of it could be, I just turn it over like, what if it's like this, what if it's like this, what if it's like this. And I know that what I'm turning out is really made out of tropes and archetypes, it's kind of a collage, but if the collaging is really earnest and you're feeling your way along with reasonable naturalness, it can turn into something. It's not that different from describing experiences you've had, if you really think about it. The following comment is NOT MEANT TO COMPARE MYSELF TO A GENIUS but I had this nice moment of synergy recently when I rewatched Kiyoshi Kurosawa's CURE, which to me seems so forcefully unique, but in interviews he says things like, "Well I just really wanted to make an American horror movie," and talks about how his starting point was not personal at all, he just wanted to play with the established tools and ingredients people use to build a certain kind of product. And I thought, I guess that's what I do -- not as intelligently or deliberately, but I get how you can work in a way that sounds so formal and empty, and have it produce something distinctly personal.

Thanks for your fun question!

*Virginia Madsen voice* Oh yes. I forgot to tell you. BUY MY BOOK!

EDIT: Oh I kind of lied, I changed *just some of* the music that Clive listens to, to something that would be easier to communicate to a reader. Like I wouldn't use the exact band on the soundtrack because it was too obscure and specific, but I would talk instead about his genre choices because they went with what I was trying to say about him as a person. I think all of it was still pretty in line with the sounds, and the Clive, that appear in the film.

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echoingbirdsofprey · 3 days ago

Text

Delicate (Jake's Version)

19 - My Sea Of Solace And Sympathy

Pairing: Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x OFC Samantha Kazansky

Rating: Explicit (MDNI!)

Warnings: SMUT, unprotected piv (wrap before you tap) shower sex, sexual healing (hehehe) probably inaccurate medical crap but I try my best

A/N: I thought we might be due for some light SMUT. I couldn't pick a gif for this chapter so just Jake's beautiful side profile was it. As always comments, reblogs, and like are very appreciated! Hope you enjoy! Twisters chapter is on it's way also in the next day or two!

Also! I'm going to put the link for the playlist in the Masterlist so it won't be linked on each chapter anymore.

Tags: @mrsevans90 @djs8891 @gpsmississippihippie

Jake wanted to see his brother, but the doctor recommended he wait until he was out of his sling to do that. He was counting down the days. But the one thing he wasn’t counting was time with Sam. He never put a timer on it. He never looked at the clock. He never begged for more and would never bargain for less. He was happy with whatever time he got to spend with her and now that it was every single day, he felt like he was on cloud nine. He was going to miss her like hell when he finally went back to flying. It almost made him not want to do it anymore, but he needed to be back up in a jet. He needed to so that he could get promoted and become an Admiral. That was his ultimate goal, knowing in his heart and his mind that it would be the best way to provide for Sam and be there for her too. His priorities had changed.

Sam helped him out of bed in the morning and he immediately knew it was going to be a bad day, pain wise. He was sore and stiff and walking from the bedroom to the bathroom didn't loosen anything up. He groaned, having not taken any of his meds yet. He usually didn't until he went downstairs.

“Dogs?” Jake rasped and Sam nodded as she placed her hands at his waist to steady him. She turned the water on for the shower, not too hot but not too cold. Today was a bandage change day, so she carefully pulled the wraps around his ribs off and checked his stitches. The doctor had to reset some of his ribs to heal correctly and he would need to have x-rays to check how they were healing in a couple weeks. Once the stitches were healed he wouldn't need the bandages anymore.

Even more than that, Jake couldn’t fucking wait to be out of his sling. He wore it at all times except to bathe. It was uncomfortable and annoying. It inhibited him from doing a lot, but he had figured out ways of doing things he really needed to do. He couldn’t work out so he’d taken to walking and every so often he’d jog a few steps. He probably shouldn’t be doing that with broken ribs but he was going stir crazy.

“Javy and Maisy took them for a walk. Javy's in love with your dog I think. And Rocco really likes them.” She said as she helped him pull his sling off and gently cleaned his stitches with a wipe. She pulled his boxers down and then guided him into the shower.

Now that they were a couple of weeks into him being home, this had become his favorite part of the routine. Sam would help him into the shower and then strip herself and hop into with him. He would stand there, while she took off the shirt she’d worn to bed, which was usually one of his Naval Academy ones, or the Tornado Wrangler one his brother had gifted him last Christmas. Her tits would bounce as they were freed from under the shirt. Then, he would gawk at her as she slid her lacy panties down her hips, down the curve of her ass, over her voluptuous thighs, and let them pool at her cute, bare feet. She would always glance at him, and a blush would spread across her cheeks as he took in the sight of her gorgeous naked curves.

Sam would then hop in the shower with him. She would efficiently wash him off, wash herself, and then tentatively, they would spend a few moments making out under the warm stream of water. No matter how painful his body was, this never failed to make him feel better.

“How bad is it today?” Sam asked softly. Her arms had settled low around his waist, as she couldn't put them around the back of his neck without it hurting him. He held his arm flat against his stomach to prevent himself from moving it, but his other arm rested around the back of her neck. He absentmindedly threaded his fingers through her hair.

“Feelin’ pretty shitty today but this always helps. Can we try something?” He smirked and pressed closer to her. Her eyes caught his and she tilted her head slightly. She had a feeling she knew what he was going to ask by the lasciviousness that dripped from his expression.

“Jake...I don't know...your ribs...” Sam said, with a small grin beginning to form on her lips. Jake leaned in and kissed her ever so gently. He drew his hand from the back of her neck and trailed his fingers down her arm, linking them with hers. They continued kissing for a few moments as Jake guided her hand down to his cock. She gasped, and pulled back and gazed up into his eyes. There was a wildness there that had been building since he’d gotten home.

“I'll be fine. Trading a little pain for pleasure.” He nearly moaned the last word as he reached up to cup her cheek and pull her into for another kiss. He tangled his fingers back in her hair as she wrapped her hand around his length. She tested the waters and pumped a few times. Jake took in a sharp breath and whimpered. “Fuck, Sam. Need you. ”

“We can't Jake. I can't hurt you. I'm supposed to be taking care of you...” She whispered and Jake covered her mouth with his again.

“ You...are... ” He murmured against her lips, letting his hand drift down her neck, lowering to cup one of her perfect breasts. “ All I could think about...how perfect you are...”

“Jake...” Sam sighed, realizing how much she missed him touching her. They had been hesitant to touch each other very much, knowing it would get them both too riled up, but Jake was feeling entirely too pent up this morning. His hand let go of her breast and slid down her stomach, splaying wide over the soft muscle there..

“ How wet are you for me, Samantha?” His voice was deep and husky as his lips touched her neck. She pressed her nose against his cheek and nipped at his earlobe. His fingers traveled further down, swiping two through her folds before dipping just his middle finger inside of her. He moaned when he felt how easily he was able to slide it in. “ All that for me....”

She felt his cock twitch in her hand and she decided to continue slowly. Fuck it, he wants this so bad, s he thought as she met his gaze again. Green had dissolved to a darker shade as their lips met and Jake worked a second finger inside her. He pressed his thumb over her clit in slow circles, adding to the pleasure building low in her belly. Sam squeezed carefully as her fingers slid up and down his shaft. She had him writhing in her hand and that was when he stopped and grabbed for her, causing her to cease her movements.

“ Shut the water off and bend over.” He demanded. She reached back and shut the water off and caught sight of his pupils, blown wide with lust.

“Jake...” Her voice was sharper and his brows knitted as he pulled his fingers from her. She couldn’t help the wanton whine that escaped her at the loss.

“You won't hurt me. Please, Samantha . I need you. And I know you need me. We need this.” Jake said, begging for another kiss. She obliged and then she turned, knowing he was right. She hadn't really thought of it until now, but she did want him just as bad as he wanted her. The shower was small enough that she could easily place her hands on the wall to balance herself.

“You do all the work, honey bun. I'll just enjoy the view.” Jake said as he pulled her wet hair to one side so that she could glance over her shoulder at him. His fingers traced the dip of her spine and then stopped at her hip. He drew her against him and Sam reached behind her, guiding Jake's length inside her effortlessly. They both let moans escape their mouths as she pushed all the way back against him, until he'd filled her completely. His hand traveled around from her waist and he placed two fingers between her legs, and began to work her clit again.

Jake wanted so badly to grab her hip with his other hand but he knew he shouldn't. He knew he needed to let his collarbone heal and take what he could get, as Sam began to move her back and forth against him. Jake fought the deep urge he had to thrust into her. He fought every bit of carnal instinct coming to the surface and just let her use him. He wanted this. He'd begged her for it. His brain was beginning to get fuzzy and he knew as soon as they had begun that there was no way he'd last long. He couldn’t, not with the admiration he had for the gorgeous curve of her ass and the flawless tanned skin of her back. How could a being so perfect exist and be his at the same time , he wondered.

“ Goddamnit Sam, you feel so fuckin' good. Where do you want it?” His voice was ocean deep and breathy as he picked up the pace with his fingers. She stuttered in her movements and slowed, canting her hips at a different angle so she could feel him deeper.

“Inside, Jake, it's okay.” She whimpered and he pulled his hand away to brace himself at her hip bone, his blunt nails digging into her skin as he came inside of her. She followed him shortly thereafter, pussy fluttering around him as she toppled over the edge of her orgasm. The amount of control he had exhibited had impressed Sam and he'd even impressed himself. Just his breathing was labored, and his whole body shivered, but he had managed to keep still. This could work for the time being to keep them both satisfied while he healed. Sam straightened up and leaned her head back against his chest carefully. He winced, which she felt, and she went to pull away, but his hand steadied her.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. Please stay here. Need this.” He murmured against her hair. She closed her eyes. She felt Jake's shaky breathing behind her and she wondered how much pain he was really in. He wasn't going to tell her because he didn't want to scare her. This was already a lot. They hadn't been together that long and she was taking care of him in ways that one might think only a married couple or the oldest of friends would. She wanted to take the pain and stress away from him. She didn't want him to feel useless, and hearing him say that out loud hurt her heart more than he knew.

Jake leaned back against the shower wall, the cool tile feeling good on his hot skin. His hand drew lazy circles at her stomach and he smiled. His lips met the shell of her ear and his breath made her shiver as he spoke. “Can I ask you somethin’?”

“Anything.” She said softly, turning her head slightly to catch his tired expression out of the corner of her eye.

“You want kids, right? With me?” He asked and Sam smirked and let light laughter escape her lips.

“Well I sure as hell don't want them with Rooster.” She joked and Jake's jaw tightened. Sam turned carefully and placed her hands on his abs. “Jake...I've never wanted kids to be honest, but you've changed my mind. I want them with you, because of you. I know you'll be a good husband and I can tell you'll be a great dad.”

Jake felt tears sting his eyes. He'd always been called a playboy. He never thought about settling down. He was the complete opposite of his brother. His brother always had a vision of settling with a pretty girl and having a bunch of kids and a farm. Jake always thought he'd be up in the air with his tail on fire and be an Admiral before he was thirty. He was snapped back to reality by Sam's hands caressing his cheeks, her thumbs wiping away tears.

“What's wrong, handsome?” She asked, her tone soft.

“Not a damn thing, babygirl. I'm just in shock at how much my priorities have changed.” He whispered, touching his lips to hers. As they parted her brows furrowed and her mouth thinned.

“What do you mean?” She asked and Jake sighed heavily.

“I just thought I'd be in a very different place than this. Thought I'd be higher in rank. Never thought I'd have the most perfect girl in the world. So put together, so sure of herself...honestly, I thought hookups were just going to be my permanent. Thought it'd be my hand and girls from the bar for the rest of my life as I climbed the ranks. I didn't need a girl. Didn't want one. Then you came along and you wrecked every damn one of my plans...” Sam smacked him gently and they both chuckled. “I'm so fucking glad you did though.”

“What else did I ruin exactly?” She asked, laying her head on his chest then, sarcasm dripping along with the water on their bodies.

“My grand plan was to be an Admiral...but now thinking on it, what exactly for? Why did I wanna be one? For myself? To be able to say I got there before anyone in my class? No, I really don't know why but now...I still want that...but I want that because I wanna be like Kenny and your dad...I wanna be like Iceman...I wanna have a family that I'm responsible for. You changed that for me. You made me want that, Sam. You .”

“Jake...why be an Admiral when you could be the Fleet Commander?” Sam wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, her voice taking a more serious timbre.

“Oh don't stroke my ego too much, honey bun. I might actually make it a reality.” Jake mused.

“I wouldn't be opposed to it. When my parents had me, dad was still working up the ranks. He was away a few months at a time and then he'd be home. When he got promoted he was home more often than not. Of course then he got sick...” Sam explained and Jake ran his hand up and down her back comfortingly.

“I wouldn’t want to miss our kid...or kids...growing up.” Jake said solemnly and Sam smiled up at him.

“How many do you want, Jake?” She asked and his lips turned up in a smirk.

“I want two perfect little girls, because I know I’ll be a good girl dad. A boy is gonna be too much trouble coming from me.” Jake chuckled and Sam nodded and pursed her lips.

“And when those perfect little girls are grown up?” She asked.

“Well, obviously they’re not allowed to date Navy guys. I know how they are.” Jake joked and Sam burst out laughing, nearly collapsing against him. He caught her with his one arm and a chuckle built deep in his chest.

“That’s rich, Jake, really.” She said as she pulled away from him slightly. She reached back to turn the water on again. She wanted to rinse off the inside of her thighs. Jake startled slightly at the temperature of the water, beginning cooler than they were both expecting. She stepped under the stream as it warmed up.

“Y’know something? I didn’t think about it until now, but I really love the way you say my name. Sounds pleasant comin’ from your pretty lips.” He said, running his hand across her back and then as she turned back to face him, his fingers ghosted over her hip, rubbing his thumb over the bone.

“I like how your eyes light up when I say your name.” Sam said, reaching up to trail her hands over his chest. He shivered, the warmth of her hands shocking but also soothing over his cooled skin.

“They do?” He grinned, as did she.

“Ya. You’ve never been Hangman to me. I don’t know that guy. He’s not for me to know either. Jake is mine to know...and only mine.” She murmured, accentuating the last few words with dancing fingers over his abdominal muscles. They tightened and her actions sent a spark straight to his cock, which she noted that it twitched.

“Never thought of it like that but I like it.” Jake’s lids lowered and he leaned closer to her.

“Mmm I can tell.” She said, wrapping her arms around his waist again. He sucked in a sharp breath and then he whispered into her neck.

“Can I have some drugs now? Everything is starting to hurt kinda bad.” Sam gasped and nodded. She turned the water off and stepped out, wrapping herself in a towel. She then helped Jake out of the shower. He thanked her quietly and she could see the pain returning to his expression. She’d given him reprieve for a little while.

Sam took a moment and looked then, really looked at Jake. The stitches on both sides of his ribcage, the bruising all across his chest that had mostly faded to greens and yellows, almost gone, but still the ghost of them there for her to see. There wasn’t an ounce of fat on him, but there wasn’t exactly muscle either at the moment. He was thin and it scared her. Not to mention the swelling still present across his collarbone, and down the upper part of his arm. He had a long way to go to get back to himself, but Sam was going to be there for all of it, just like he had been there for her.

🛩️🛩️🛩️

Sam decided that Jake only needed pants at the moment and his sling, and he had agreed. She slung a t-shirt over her shoulder, just in case he wanted it later. She kept a hand on him while he trudged down the stairs, tentatively.

Maverick and Cyclone were supposed to stop by later on. They wanted to talk to Jake now that he’d had some time to settle in. Javy and Maisy had come back with the dogs and the male puppy, Ballast, was eager to see Jake. He reached down and picked the puppy up in one arm and the dog placed his paws over his shoulder, proceeding to nibble on Jake's ear and lick his cheek.

“How come you don't greet me like that?” He joked to Sam and she glared flatly at him.

“Okay next time we're out in public, I'll bite your ear and lick your face.” She said and he smirked, pressing his nose into the puppy’s fur. The little black dog squirmed and then settled, placing his chin on Jake's shoulder.

“Hey, dude I want one. Your dog is so friggin’ smart. There's that little dog park down the road, the fenced in one, and there was no one around, so we let them all off the leashes. Ballast's recall is crazy good.” Javy said as he moved around Jake carefully. Javy rubbed the puppy’s head and then proceeded to check the fridge. “Maisy and I are gonna go to the store, anything in particular you guys want?”

“Can you get the dogs’ food if I venmo you for it? I meant to get it yesterday but totally spaced.’ Sam said as she went into the cabinet, where their food was, to check the brand names.

“Sure can. Maisy is gonna make dinner tonight. Tacos.” Javy said, licking his lips.

“I’m in for that.” Jake said with a smile. He leaned against the countertop, his head nestled against Ballast’s sleek coat. He still had that puppy smell. Jake then remembered the old hound dog, Dixie, that they’d had as kids. Of course, Ballast was nothing like that old dog, but Jake still felt nostalgic holding the puppy. He remembered him and Tyler coming home to that dog every afternoon, taking her out to the pond to swim with her, letting her chase cows and birds and her running alongside them on trail rides. Jake loved Dixie, but he might love this little pup in his arms more. He had a feeling he would, because this dog was his dog. Not his and Tyler’s but his own. Just like the old raggedy looking painted gelding he had throughout high school, that horse had been his. And now, as he pressed his nose to Ballast’s fur, he thought about other things that were his.

Like Sam.

“Jake? Javy asked if you wanted anything else?” He heard her voice cut through his thoughts then and he glanced at her and shook his head, but stayed silent. She stepped toward him and placed a hand on his back. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, just thinkin’ is all. Nothin’ bad. Just got caught up in my thoughts.” Jake murmured and Sam rubbed his back comfortingly, like he would do to her. Javy gave Sam a puzzled glance and Maisy said bye as she dragged him out the door.

“Are you planning to put a shirt on to talk to Mav and Beau?” Sam asked with a lilt of humor in her voice as she placed a cup of water and his medication on the counter.

“Gotta put you down, bud.” Jake said, bending down and groaning as he did. Ballast jumped the last foot to the floor and wagged his tail, sitting at his human’s feet. Jake turned and took his meds and drank the whole cup of water and then settled his gaze on Sam. “It’s a power move if I don’t right?” He laughed and Sam shook her head with a smile.

“You’re fresh, you know that?” She said and he pulled her in for a kiss with his free arm.

“It’s the only way I’m getting through this, honey bun. Well, that and your excellent bedside manner.” He wiggled his brows and their lips connected once again.

#jake seresin x oc #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #glen powell #top gun hangman #top gun fanfiction #top gun maverick

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macknshift · 9 hours ago

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THE ONE WHERE . . . I INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO LEO!

SOOOO…i have mentioned leo in like, 90 different posts atp and never actually made a "leo intro" (mainly bc i have weird feelings ab sharing him heavily to the rest of the world lol) but! i figured now would be the best time to get into explaining him to y'all.

LEO , commonly given the last name SCOTT (depends on the dr!) is actually originally the main character's love interest in a hockey romance book i've been in the process of writing. after getting #sickandtired of annoying ass book men i gave up and began drafting one of my own. the main character is literally me (i mean, for christ's sake her name is sloane mackintosh,) and eventually, i began thinking of him in other "au"s (i used to do this a lot on wattpad - i mean DRs but the term AU is usually more digestible to ppl that may not be aware of reality shifting. Anyways.) and began kind of placing him in everything. a list of the drs he is my love interest in is follows;

BETTER CR : (fc silasj2004*) the hockey romance book pretty much as a dr. small changes occur but basically he's the exact same as leo in the book lol

PARENT DR : (fc jack schlossberg. yes. i am one of those girlies. i am not ashamed! at least he has morals + a backbone y'all this could be much worse) the "backstory" is my better cr dr. i'm now a mother of 3 (amelia or mimi, aged 5, giselle or gigi, aged 4 and i'm pregnant with vincenzo, our final kid,) and it follows our life after what would be the events of the book. i sort-of made it also as like a WAG dr in a sense bc leo is a professional hockey player! (but he retires 2 years before this point in time so idk where my thought process is w this lol)

FORMULA 1 DRIVER DR : (fc pato o'ward MY!!!! mclaren man ln4 U ARE NOTHINGGGGGGG) leonardo dempsey, son of actor patrick dempsey (my forever celebrity crush ugh he's so fine) and driver for aston martin aramco f1 team under #99. i essentially took l*nce str*ll's daddy's boy backstory and gave it to leo bc he is indeed a daddy's boy. the only dr leo and i are enemies to lovers bc i'm too obsessed w him otherwise LMFAO

MARVEL DR : (fc marcello hernandez (MY MAAANNNN)) leo scott, secretly the speedster superhero 'comet'. hired by my dad as essentially a bodyguard (leo's not intimidating AT ALL idek how the hell this is supposed to work LMFAO) as comet and knows me out of costume as his sister's roommate (mj is also in every dr ever and actually is here in this cr. i can never leave her out i love her DOWN) basically marichat vibes (god i miss marichat)

POP STAR DR : (fc marcello hernandez, again) leo sinatra, nepo baby great-grandson of frank sinatra (there's a whole, incredibly large bit of lore ab this LMFAO + he's also a great-grandson in my better cr dr too bc i need my man RICH!) and Saturday Night Live cast member. basically i go on snl and immediately fall in love. i've stolen the 'unlikely couple' weekend update sketch for us & he does domingo, which is my song lol we're funny for it idk

THE FCS, in color photos:

i'm missing like, 18 other drs that i can think of but some important info about him;

he's half oaxacan mexican. i've tried my damnedness to find a way to make it obvious but when i was 'designing' him (aka drawing him out) i used jack, silas (*NOTE: he is leo's typical fc if i don't have an designated one for him) and marcello as references to make him look the most like him as i can. the fcs are kind of loose for him but i need a way to like fully visualize him. so. yeah. his 'color palette' (weird way to put it but idk how else) makes him tanner than all three of them i fear. all of the fcs i use (other than jack schlossberg but like. idk his main celebrity lookalike in the better cr is him so i kind of had to) are latino, but i feel like it never ever properly translates when i talk about him bc his name is fucking leopold scott. like. huh.

he's also tall AS FUCK lol and built like a tank lowkey (think tom welling clark kent GOOD GOOGLY MOOGLY) but it's mainly bc he's a hockey player. in every vers he's like. 6'3. shortest he is is w marcello as his fc and even then he's 5'11. (note in pop star dr he gets a lot of comparisons to jacob elordi for some reason??? idk my fans are weird)

he's got big brown baby cow eyes. every. single. time. like that is this man's defining trait and you know what? i would not change that for the world lol

his position in hockey is a goalie! he uses the number #29 and plays for our college and later for the new jersey devils before being traded to the anaheim ducks. after he retires he becomes a firefighter!!!! (which is sooo hot btw)

#mack yaps #(about shifting)#mackleo #reality shifting #shiftblr #shifting diary #shifting motivation #shifting things #shifting antis dni #mack's better cr #mack's parent dr #mack's f1 dr #mack's pop star dr #writeblr #writers on tumblr #leo is of course the mmc of the book i'm writing so #writeblr it is LMFAO

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zyxelia · 17 hours ago

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Whispers Of Forever — Hajime Iwaizumi x Fem! Reader

Starring: Hajime Iwaizumi x Fem! Reader

Summary: After your marriage, you and your husband have your own drawer beside the bed. One day while cleaning, you see something on the drawer that looks like... A love letter? Oh, how could it be? You thought you already read all his love letters for you! (Spoiler: Curiosity gets the best of you!)

Word Count: 498 Words

Things To Note(s): -

Estimated Reading Time: 2-3 Minutes

a/n: It's almost new year!

Main Masterlist | Haikyuu!! Masterlist | Main Series Masterlist

My precious one, iwa-channn!!

To you, my dearest love.

For the first time in my life, I am enchanted— caught in the kind of spell I once thought existed only in dreams. Before you, everything felt distant and muted, but with you, the world feels softer and gentler, as though every corner of it has been touched by your light. You’ve filled the empty spaces within me with something so pure, so full of warmth, that I can hardly remember the cold that came before.

Whenever I think about you, it feels like a soft melody playing within me— a song only I can hear, yet it feels as though the entire universe is in tune with it. You’ve healed parts inside of me I thought would always stay broken, and in their place, you’ve brought light, love, and hope. There is a lightness in my soul now, a peace that I had long since forgotten was even possible. You make me feel whole again, like a puzzle whose missing pieces were always meant to be found, and you— my love— are the key that completed it.

Your eyes hold a gravity that draws me in, leaving me suspended, weightless, and unmoored. They hold stories, secrets, and worlds within them, and I feel privileged to be the one who gets to see them. The world fades away when I am with you. I lose myself in the depths of your gaze; I could spend an eternity simply losing myself in you.

It’s also the way I am fascinated by your voice. Every word you speak lingers in my heart like a melody I wish to never stop hearing. Each time you speak, I find myself drawn closer, wanting to hear more of your thoughts, your dreams, your fears— every piece of you that makes you the person I love more than anything else in this world.

It’s you.

Always you.

In the whispers of yesterday, the embrace of today, and the endless horizon of tomorrow, it will always be you. No matter where life takes us, or what challenges we face, you are the constant thread that ties me to this life.

You are my light in the darkness, my constant in the chaos, and the love I will cherish for as long as my heart is still beating. You are my beginning and my end, the keeper of my heart and soul, the one I will choose forever.

Upon meeting you, I have found my home, my peace, and the endless beauty of what it means to be truly alive. My love, in your arms, I have discovered what it means to truly live— to live not just with my heart, but with every part of me.

I have to admit, writing this letter is easier than speaking it directly to you. Thank you for being everything I never knew I needed, for being my dream made real, and for loving me in ways I could never have imagined.

You are, and always will be, my everything.

©️ zyxelia, 2024. Please do not translate, modify, or repost my work on any other platforms without asking. Thank you for understanding.

#iwaizumi hajime #hajime iwaizumi #haikyuu #haikyuu fic #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #hq fluff #hq #haikyuu iwaizumi #iwaizumi x reader #hq iwaizumi #iwaizumi fluff #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi x y/n

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melancholy-of-nadia · 2 days ago

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heart on the window #2 (m) | ksj

title: heart on the window (m) pairing: ksj x reader(f) rating/genre: m (18+) ; smut ; roommates au / streamer/cam boy au / office worker au, childhood rivals to awkward roommates to lovers? au summary: Your life takes a wild turn after discovering what you believe is Seokjin's risqué secret, only for the following nights to leave you doubting your own reality. Was it loneliness and a shattered heart that conjured this delusion? As you try to move on, leaving your assumptions behind, you and Seokjin grow closer—until a late-night slip-up unravels everything... literally. note: it took me almost a month to update i have been busy at work.; i've edited this but there still may be some grammatical errors so apologies in advanced. warnings: roommate!Seokjin being such a green flag, adult content live streaming (camwork), explicit solo masturbation (from jin and also reader POV), voyeurism, descriptive use of toys, dirty talk, reader's emotional turmoil, Seokjin being perceptive and teasing, confrontation, sexual frustration, sexual tension. mild language, some implied sexual fantasizing, jin POV in the last quarter of the chapter drop date: December 20th, 2024, 12:00pm pst word count: 9.6k chapter 1 | chapter 3 crossposted on ao3 here

–

That good sleep that you were anticipating?

Gone.

Were you able to get some sleep last night?

Absolutely not.

Every time you’d close your eyes, all you would see is THAT: Seokjin Kim, sitting in his chair, stroking his cock with slow, deliberate motions, his face caught somewhere between bliss and control while a virtual audience eagerly watched.

Oh god, what the fuck did you get yourself into?

You can’t just continue living here like you didn’t see that.

Absolutely no way–

“Did you get a good sleep last night?”

The sound of Seokjin’s voice slices through the chaotic mind-fuck cluster of your thoughts, dragging you back to the present. You blink, startled, your mind scrambling for something—anything—to say.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, it was…nice,” you reply, though your tone is as flat as week-old opened grapefruit Spin Drift you’ve left out on the counter countless times in the past.

Seokjin chuckles, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, giving you a knowing look. “That doesn’t sound very convincing,” he remarks before turning back toward the kitchen. You watch him as he grabs a carton of eggs, a frying pan, and other utensils with easy confidence, as though nothing is out of the ordinary.

Meanwhile, your head is spinning.

Does he have any idea what you saw? No, of course not. How could he? You clutch your mug of coffee tighter, willing yourself to keep calm and act normal, even though “normal” feels like a foreign concept right now.

Seokjin cracks an egg against the side of the pan with one hand, a skill that feels unnecessarily showy, and tosses the shell in the trash without missing a beat. “So, what’s your plan for today?”

“My plan?”

“Yeah, you know. Moving in, settling down. Unpacking those boxes.” He gestures with the spatula toward the pile of boxes you had left in the living room yesterday. “Or are you just going to live out of them for the next few months?”

You force out a weak laugh, trying to mask your unease. “I’ll get to them soon. Or well, eventually.”

Seokjin glances at you over his shoulder, his expression unreadable. “Yeah, you sure you’re okay? You seem… distracted.”

Distracted? That’s putting it lightly. You practically choked on your own thoughts all night, trying to process what you’d stumbled upon. Now here he is, looking every bit as composed and charming as ever, completely unaware of how he’s upended your mental state.

“Just a lot on my mind from the shit I’ve been going through,” you say vaguely, hoping he’ll just think about what you’ve previously told him and won’t press further.

“Fair enough,” he replies, flipping the eggs in the pan with a practiced flick of his wrist. “By the way, if you need anything for your room, feel free to let me know. I’ve got some spare furniture in storage if you need extra shelves or whatever.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, staring at your coffee as if it holds the answers to your predicament.

You spend the rest of breakfast in tense silence, with Seokjin humming softly to himself as he cooks. Every so often, you catch yourself stealing a glance at him—his broad shoulders, the black t-shirt that loosely fits his body, his easy movements, the way his hair falls messily over his forehead. And every time, your mind cruelly throws you back to that image from last night.

You barely touch your toast, and when Seokjin finally sets his plate in the sink and announces he’s heading out to work in the office since he has some meetings later this afternoon, you feel a wave of relief so strong it’s almost embarrassing.

As the front door clicks shut behind him, you slump against the counter, exhaling a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding.

What are you going to do? How are you supposed to face him every day without your mind going there?

If there’s anything that helps clear your mind, it’s organizing. The chaos of your thoughts seems to calm when you’re sorting, categorizing, and arranging. And thank god you have a lot of that to do right now with all the boxes cluttering your room and spilling into the living room.

Determined to regain some sense of control, you dive into it. First, the essentials—clothing, toiletries, and the work necessities you hope to use again someday. You find a rhythm: open, sort, fold, stack, repeat. The act becomes a form of meditation, letting you focus on the task rather than… other things.

After about two hours, just as you’re folding a stack of sweaters, your phone buzzes with an incoming FaceTime call. Your dear best friend Yunjin’s photo flashes across the screen.

You swipe to answer, her bright, cheerful face filling the screen instantly.

“Hey girl!!” she chirps, holding her phone up at an angle that shows a bustling street lined with shops and people.

“Hey, Yunjin!” you say, unable to hide your grin. “Haven’t seen your beautiful face in awhile. What are you up to?”

“I’m out shopping in Japantown,” she says, spinning her phone around to give you a quick view of colorful storefronts and an adorable bakery. “And I saw this cute Moomin plush keychain. It reminded me of you, so I’m gonna gift it you!”

A Gift?!

Your eyes widen. “N-No! It’s fine!”

Yunjin’s smile doesn’t falter. “Oh, stop it. I want to. Plus, it’ll give me an excuse to go visit you.” Yunjin lives a couple of hours away from you, so you don’t get to see her as often as you used to during college.

Despite her kindness, you feel a pang of guilt. Being unemployed has left you hyperaware of money, and the idea of your friend spending her hard-earned cash on you—without expecting anything in return—feels unbearable. But that’s just how she is. That’s just…Yunny.

“Really, you don’t have to,” you say, even as a part of you knows arguing with her is pointless.

“Too late!” she sing-songs, flipping the camera around to show the tiny Moomin plush with its sweet little face and scarf. “Tell me this isn’t so you.”

It is. It absolutely is.

You sigh, shaking your head but unable to keep from smiling. “Okay, fine. But at least let me treat you to a coffee.”

“Deal,” Yunjin says with a wink before turning the camera back to her. “So, how’s it going with your new place? Settling in okay?”

Your mind flashes to Seokjin, to the events of last night, and you swallow hard. “Uh, yeah. It’s… nice. Just getting things sorted.”

Yunjin squints at the screen, her expression turning suspicious. “You sound weird. What’s going on?”

Should you tell her? Absolutely not. She’d think the whole situation was bizarre—and worse, she’d probably call you weird for sticking around to watch him do that. You quickly decide to change the topic.

“Yunny, is there really no way I can stay with you for a bit of time?” you groan, leaning against the pile of clothes you’d been folding.

Yunjin’s brow furrows. “Oh, why? You don’t like your new place?”

“It’s… fine,” you hedge, glancing toward your door as if Jin might somehow overhear. “I just… I don’t know. It’d be nice to have you around again like old times.”

The truth is, you don’t want to leave this city. It’s the only place where the kind of opportunities you’re looking for exist. And besides, you love it here—the energy, the atmosphere, the food scene. Nothing else in or out of state even comes close.

But if moving meant getting away from the strange situation you’ve landed yourself in, maybe you’d consider it.

“Uh, well, sadly, no,” Yunjin says with a slight pout. “I thought one of my housemates was moving out to live with her boyfriend, but it looks like that was all talk. She’s staying put for now. They probably wouldn’t be okay with temporary couch surfing either.”

That makes sense.

“Oh,” you reply, deflated. “Okay.”

“Hmm.” Yunjin narrows her eyes, clearly unconvinced, but thankfully, she doesn’t press further. “Well, I can’t wait to see your new place. We’ll do a housewarming soon, okay?”

“Yeah, definitely,” you say, nodding along, though the thought of hosting a gathering here makes your stomach twist. How exactly would you explain Seokjin’s... side hustle to anyone if they happened to find out?

“Alright, I’ve gotta go,” Yunjin says, the bustling noise behind her growing louder. “I’m supposed to get lunch with Hanni and Stephen. Love you!”

“Love you too,” you reply, waving at the screen before the call ends.

You set your phone down, a mix of warmth and guilt settling over you. It’s comforting to know Yunjin has your back, but it also serves as a painful reminder of how far you’ve fallen. No job, no stability, and now living with a guy who… well.

You shake your head, refusing to let yourself spiral. There’s too much to do, too many boxes to unpack. For now, you focus on the small wins—folding clothes, sorting books, reclaiming a sense of order.

One step at a time.

You throw yourself into unpacking and organizing, letting the steady rhythm of your tasks distract you from your swirling thoughts. The hours slip by as you arrange books on shelves, hang up clothes, and shuffle boxes around to make the room feel less like a storage unit and more like a home.

By the time the sun begins to dip lower in the sky, you’ve made solid progress. Your room is starting to look presentable—cozy, even. The hum of activity keeps your mind occupied, though every now and then, stray thoughts about last night sneak in.

The sound of the front door unlocking jolts you out of your reverie. A moment later, Seokjin walks in, dressed in business attire, his tie slightly loosened and his hair tousled in that effortlessly charming way that makes it clear why his stream fans are obsessed with him.

“Hey,” he says, offering a small smile as he sets his bag on the counter. “How was your day?”

“It was good,” you reply, wiping your dust-covered hands on your jeans. “Got most of my stuff sorted out.”

He glances toward your room and nods approvingly. “Nice. Looks like you’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, I figured I’d get it all done before it starts to feel like a chore.”

Seokjin chuckles as he loosens his tie completely and drapes it over a chair. “Smart move. I should probably take a page out of your book. My closet’s a disaster zone right now.”

“Really?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t strike me as the messy type.”

He shrugs, pulling open the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “It’s organized chaos. I know where everything is… mostly.”

You laugh softly, some of the tension you’d been holding onto easing as the conversation flows naturally. For the first time since last night, you don’t feel quite so on edge around him.

“Anyway,” he says, taking a sip of water and leaning against the counter, “I’m gonna change out of this and make something for dinner. You hungry?”

“Starving,” you admit, realizing you hadn’t eaten much while caught up in organizing.

“Cool. Give me like ten minutes,” he says with a grin, already heading toward his room.

As he disappears down the hallway, you let out another breath you didn’t realize you were holding. It’s going to take some time to feel normal here, but for now, small moments like this help.

Back to one step at a time.

Yes… one step at a time.

Jin reappears in casual clothes—sweatpants and a loose tee that somehow still manages to look good on him—and heads straight to the kitchen. You sit on the couch, doomscrolling on social media to consume random content to keep you busy in the meantime.

The comforting sound of clattering pots and pans fills the apartment, accompanied by the savory aroma of something delicious in the making.

When he calls out, “Hope you like pasta carbonara,” you can’t help but feel grateful he’s even making you food.

He doesn’t have to do this, but it’s nice that he is.

He sets the steaming pan on top of a hot pad on the table, followed by two plates, forks, and a sprinkle of grated cheese in a small dish. “Voilà. Gourmet dining at its finest.”

This actually looks like high quality italian restaurant quality presentation.

You take a seat, eyeing the dish appreciatively. “Woah? Fancy. Do you cook like this all the time?”

He grins as he spoons a generous serving onto your plate. “Not always. I have a rotation: this, ramen, steak, kimchi jjigae, and… takeout. Lots of takeout.”

You laugh, grabbing your fork. “Sounds somewhat balanced.”

“I try to keep it balanced but,” he agrees, twirling pasta onto his fork. “I also work out a bit too.”

“Nice,”

In your mind, you’re thinking “yeah, you’ve seen him workout alright”

This is really going to eat at you at this rate.

The two of you eat in comfortable silence for a while, the rich, creamy flavors of the pasta doing wonders for your mood. It feels surreal to be sitting here, sharing a meal with someone who, just days ago, you were convinced would be a terrible roommate.

The meal is delicious, better than you’d expected. For a while, you let yourself get lost in the comforting simplicity of eating—pasta twirling on your fork, the sauce aroma wafting up, the occasional clink of silverware against plates.

It feels… normal. Nice, even. But still, at the back of your mind, there’s a quiet storm brewing.

The night before keeps replaying in your head, uninvited and intrusive, like a broken record you can’t turn off. You glance at Seokjin as he eats, his features relaxed, his posture casual. How can he seem so normal when you know what he was doing less than 24 hours ago?

The mental tug-of-war begins: Should you just ignore it? Pretend it never happened? Or—

“So,” you blurt, interrupting your own thoughts, “what exactly do you do for work?”

Jin looks up, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing. “I work in marketing,” he says, reaching for his water.

You nod, encouraging him to continue. “Marketing for…?”

He grins, sensing your peaked interest. “Riot Games. You know, the League of Legends company?”

Your eyes widen. “No way! What! That’s so cool.”

That’s actually a pretty awesome career.

And so Seokjin of him.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fun. A lot of campaigns and community engagement stuff. It keeps me busy, but I like it. Games have always been my thing.”

That part doesn’t surprise you. Growing up, Jin was always glued to his Game Boy, computer or chattering about his latest high scores. This career seems like a natural fit for him.

“Of course, I remember that well,” you say, smiling. “Also explains the gaming setup.”

“The gaming setup?” Jin freezes for a fraction of a second, his fork hovering mid-air. His expression shifts from casual to guarded so quickly you almost miss it.

Shit.

You scramble to backtrack. “Uh, I just mean… you seem like the type to have a cool gaming setup, you know? Dual monitors, fancy keyboard, maybe some LED lights?”

His shoulders relax slightly, though his eyes remain sharp, watching you closely. “Haven’t shown you my room yet. How’d you know?”

“I didn’t,” you reply quickly, forcing a laugh. “It’s just a guess. I mean, come on, you work at Riot Games. Wouldn’t you have the gear to match?”

Jin tilts his head, a playful smirk tugging at his lips before he leans back in his chair. “Actually,” he says, his tone shifting slightly, “I’ve been a bit shy to mention this, but… I’m also a Twitch streamer.”

You already knew this from prior snooping, so you gotta act surprised.

Your fork pauses mid-air. “Woah? You are?”

He nods, a little sheepish now, which is a rare look for him. “Yeah. My old roommate actually got me into it awhile back. It started as a way to unwind after work, but then it kinda… took off. Nothing crazy, but it’s been fun.”

You don’t think that 200,000 followers is something to not be impressed about. That is a decently big audience for someone who hasn’t been doing it for too long.

That sparks your curiosity. “Really? What do you stream?”

“Well, gaming mainly as you saw,” he says, shrugging. “Some League, Valorant… a bit of variety stuff when I feel like it. My audience isn’t huge, but it’s a solid little community to talk with.”

Audience, right.

Your mind flashes back to last night—the setup, the webcam, the comments streaming on the screen—and your stomach tightens. He wanted to hide this from you but still has more to uncover, but he’s so good at hiding it. Well, at least until you caught him yesterday.

You try to keep your expression neutral as you ask, “Isn’t it hard to balance with your job?”

Seokjin shakes his head. “Not really. Most of my streams are at night, after work. I mean, I’m already up, so I might as well do something productive, right?”

Productive, you think, the word ricocheting in your head. If only he knew…

“That’s… really cool,” you manage, keeping your tone even. “Do you think you’ll ever go full-time with it?”

He laughs, running a hand through his hair. “Nah. I like streaming, but I don’t think I’d give up my day job for it. It’s more of a side hustle, you know? Keeps me busy and entertained.”

“Right,” you say, nodding. “That makes sense.”

“I’ll have to show it to you some time. Maybe even let you try the setup if you’re into games.”

Oh?

“Sure,” you say, nodding too eagerly. “That sounds fun. Though I’ve always been a Nintendo girl,”

“I do recall, and that’s fine by me. We could play Mario Kart!”

“That sounds like a lot of fun, Jin—”

The word slips out naturally, before you even realize it. You freeze mid-sentence, your lips parting as the familiar nickname hangs awkwardly in the air. You haven’t called him “Jin” since elementary school. It used to roll off your tongue back when you were kids, when he was just a goofy classmate you exchanged Pokémon cards with and competed against in dodgeball. But ever since reconnecting as adults, you’ve made a conscious effort to just refer to him by his full name, Seokjin. It felt more appropriate. More… grown-up.

And it created a boundary, which now feels undone by you calling him more casually. Curse you getting more comfortable with this man! His eyes widen slightly at the sound of it, his smile faltering for only a split second before softening into something warmer. “Jin, huh?” he muses, raising an eyebrow. “Haven’t heard you call me that in years.”

You swallow, cheeks warming as you try to play it off casually. “Oh. Uh, sorry— I just—”

“You just what?” he teases gently, clearly enjoying your flustered state.

You groan, covering your face for a brief moment. “It just slipped out, okay? Old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Hmm.” His voice hums with amusement, and when you peek at him through your fingers, he’s looking at you with a fond expression that makes your stomach flip. “I don’t mind it, you know. Kinda like it, actually.”

“You like it?”

“Yeah,” he says simply, shrugging. “It’s nostalgic.”

There’s a pause as the two of you exchange a quiet glance, something unspoken settling in the air between you. For a moment, you swear his gaze lingers on you just a little too long.

“Well,” you mutter, trying to brush off the sudden tension. “If you don’t mind it, I guess I’ll start calling you Jin again.”

His smile widens into something bright and genuine, then chuckles. “Good! Doesn’t feel too weird anyways since my Twitch chat calls me Jin as well.”

And you were flustered over this for nothing.

The conversation moves on, but every time you say “Jin”, there’s a flicker of something in his eyes—something you can’t quite place. You ignore it though, as his dirty secret continues to gnaw at your mind more than whatever he must be thinking.

Glancing at him as he finishes his pasta, a soft hum escaping him as he collects the plates.

You retreat to your room, bidding Jin a casual goodnight as he mentions his plans for the evening. “Gonna play some Elden Ring with my friends, and then stream a Pokémon randomized Nuzlocke at nine,” he says, grinning. “If you hear me yelling at any ungodly hour, just know it’s the RNG gods being cruel.”

“Good to know,” you reply with a small laugh before closing your door behind you.

Settling onto your bed, you decide to distract yourself with something immersive—Bakemonogatari. It’s been on your list for a long time, and felt like now would be a good time to watch it. The anime’s intricate dialogue and surreal visuals immediately pull you in, though it’s hard to focus completely with lingering thoughts of Jin playing games only a few walls away.

You shake your head, forcing yourself to focus on the screen. As the narrative deepens and the subtitles demand your full attention, your eyelids grow heavier. Soon, the soft glow of the laptop screen and the soothing cadence of the voice acting lull you into a deep sleep.

A good sleep.

The kind of sleep you’ve been craving after a long day of cleaning, unpacking, and organizing—a chance to reset and settle fully into this new chapter of your life.

Until a familiar sensation stirs you awake.

You blink blearily at the clock on your nightstand.

2:35 a.m.

Déjà vu hits you like a freight train. The thirst pulls you out of bed, an undeniable urge. With a groggy sigh, you shuffle out of your room and make your way to the kitchen.

The dim light from the hallway guides you as you grab a water bottle from under the sink. The cool plastic feels grounding in your hand as you twist the cap open and take a long, satisfying sip.

Refreshed, you glance around. It’s quiet, save for the faint hum of the fridge and the soft whir of your thoughts.

And then your gaze instinctively drifts toward Jin’s room again.

Not for the wrong reasons! you tell yourself defensively. It’s just… you’re checking on him. Making sure he’s okay!

Right?

Your bare feet make the softest pats against the floor as you tiptoe a little closer to the hallway leading to Jin’s room. Sure enough, a familiar sliver of light leaks from the partially ajar door.

But something’s different this time.

You squint, leaning just enough to peek in.

There he is.

Seokjin sits cross-legged at his desk, headphones on, illuminated by the glow of his monitors. But instead of his usual casual attire or the polished look he had earlier, he’s wearing a pajama set. A blue pajama set covered in cartoon characters. The sight of him in something so unexpectedly cute throws you for a loop.

On the screen, the familiar pixelated world of Pokémon sprawls before him.

“Okay guys, I should end the live here,” he says cheerfully, his voice carrying through the quiet apartment. “But I’m almost at the Elite Four! This team I have right now is pretty solid, even if we lost Moon the Lunatone. I’ll get through the rival battle and stop there.”

Your jaw slackens.

Wait, what?

Where’s the camwork? The NSFW content? The explicit… everything you’d stumbled upon last night?

Confusion swirls in your chest as you scurry back to your room, shutting the door as quietly as possible. You lean against it, clutching the water bottle in both hands as your mind races.

What is going on here?

Had you… imagined it? No, that couldn’t be right. The vivid image of last night flashes through your mind unbidden, heat creeping up your neck as you recall every mortifying detail.

But now? He’s just streaming a Pokémon Nuzlocke like a completely normal, wholesome gamer.

Maybe you dreamed it…?

You sit on the edge of your bed, clutching the water bottle as if it’s the only thing tethering you to reality.

Maybe you were just seeing things last night.

The thought plants itself firmly in your mind, and as much as you try to swat it away, it lingers. You were exhausted yesterday. Between moving, unpacking, and the emotional whirlwind of losing your job and your relationship, maybe your mind just… played tricks on you.

Yeah, that must be it.

There’s no way you actually saw Jin doing that.

You groan, burying your face in your hands. “Oh god, I’m losing it,” you mutter under your breath.

Still, the memory feels so vivid. The faint glow of his screen, his movements, the soft noises—ugh, stop it! You shake your head, desperate to push the images out of your mind.

But the scene you just witnessed tonight couldn’t be more different. Jin was just… Jin. Cute pajama set, gaming setup, and an audience of what you assume were adoring fans cheering him on as he streamed his Pokémon playthrough.

Totally innocent.

Totally normal.

You flop back onto your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Your chest tightens as you try to rationalize it all. Maybe the stress and lack of sleep made your brain concoct some wild scenario. After all, you’re in a new place with a guy you haven’t seen since childhood. Maybe it’s just your subconscious working overtime as you’re lacking physical touch.

That has to be it, you convince yourself, pulling the blanket over your face.

And that’s exactly what you’ve convinced yourself to think.

Over two weeks have passed, and from the few times you’ve stumbled out of bed late at night, you haven’t encountered anything remotely similar to what you thought you saw on your first night here.

It became easier and easier to believe you hallucinated the whole thing.

Stress does crazy things to people, you told yourself. You just need to focus on your life.

Still, the faint embarrassment lingers every now and then, but it’s manageable. After all, you’ve been busy with moving-in activities, refining your resume, and applying to jobs. Productivity has been your savior, keeping your mind occupied and away from thoughts of intimacy—something that feels uncomfortable ever since your last relationship ended in betrayal.

Order seems to have been restored.

Conversations with Seokjin (who you now refer to as Jin) have become more natural, the initial awkwardness dissipating as you become more comfortable with one another and you’ve settled into a rhythm. You respect each other’s spaces, and despite the occasional childish banter, the dynamic is easy, like good old friends reconnecting.

You’ve gone shopping together for groceries, evening outings to eat at a sit-in restaurant or even just go for a drive or walk to destress, which usually ends in getting ice cream or bubble tea.

It’s oddly casual, but you don’t mind that. This is how things should be now that you’re both adults.

It’s a Thursday at noon when you hear the doorbell and find a large package waiting for Jin.

[You: Hey, there's a big package addressed to you at the door? Where should I put it?]

After texting him to ask where to leave it, he eventually responds:

[Jin: Ah, thanks for letting me know. I was waiting on that to come in. Jin:Just put it in my room if you don’t mind!]

[You: Okay!]

And with that, you pick up the box and head toward his room.

It occurs to you as you step inside that this is your first time actually entering his space.

Jin’s room is, unsurprisingly, immaculate—spacious, well-organized, and undeniably him. The decor is a cute mix of his personality: shelves filled with gaming figures, an impressive collection of games, and stuffed animals of his favorite creatures scattered across the bed. There’s even a small shrine to Mario and Kirby in the corner that makes you grin.

You place the package on his bed as instructed and turn to leave, but something catches your eye.

His monitor.

The screen is still on, displaying a cluttered web browser with more tabs open than anyone should realistically have. You almost laugh at the chaos of it—thirty, maybe forty tabs?

But then your gaze lands on one in particular.

A small icon. A name.

Chaturbate.

Your heart skips a beat.

Oh. My. God.

It’s like the carefully constructed world of denial you’ve built over the past week shatters in an instant.

No way. No, no, no, this can’t be?!

Your feet feel glued to the floor as your mind races. This can’t be real. Why would Jin have that open? Wasn’t it just a mistake that night? A fluke? A hallucination?!

And yet, here it is. Right in front of you.

Your stomach flips as hell’s gates open again, memories from that night rushing back in vivid detail.

Curiosity claws at you, relentless and insistent. You know you shouldn’t, but the urge to know is overwhelming. If it really is what you think it is… then maybe, just maybe, you can confirm it and put this strange, lingering mystery to rest.

Your heart pounds in your chest as you step closer to the desk. The glow of the screen feels accusatory, like a spotlight shining on your guilt. This is so wrong, you think, but your hand still moves.

You nudge the mouse, waking the monitor from its idle dimness.

The browser window expands to full brightness, revealing the countless tabs more clearly now. You spot the one labeled Chaturbate. Your fingers hover over the mouse, trembling slightly, and before you can talk yourself out of it, you click.

The page loads immediately.

And there it is.

The profile is still open, though it’s not broadcasting live. A banner at the top reads: "Offline – Streams Scheduled 3x a month. Next stream: Tonight at 1:30AM."

The alias catches your eye immediately, bold and unmistakable at the top of the page: "BigTunaManXOXO"

Big Tuna Man?

You have to chuckle, though the sound feels unnatural in the stillness of the room. Well, he did mention he likes tuna when you two had sushi two days ago. You shake your head in disbelief at how absurd the situation is.

Scrolling a little more, your heart races as the tags and content descriptions appear on the screen. Tags like casual play, NSFW, punishment, and even interactive fill the list, confirming everything you feared—and hoped—was true.

What did you expect? you think, eyes scanning the content. His previous streams, unlocked for paid viewers, show glimpses of what you had seen—shirtless moments, fan interactions, and those subtle teases. Some comments from regular viewers flash on the screen: "You’re so cute, Big Tuna. Gonna get your next stream tonight?"

A pit forms in your stomach as you scroll further, seeing the balance of gaming content mixed with something... different. There are a few VODs, some marked with glowing red icons and some tagged with things like solo play, toys, edging and private sessions. Your breath catches in your throat as you click on one of the unlocked streams. It starts to load, and before you can stop yourself, you’re staring at a past broadcast.

Seokjin.

In a black Alo Yoga hoodie and 5” inseam black shorts. The camera angle is different now, the lighting softer, more intimate. His voice comes through clearly, playful, teasing. You watch as he interacts with the chat, joking around with his viewers, and then... he moves the camera just enough that you can see the lower half of his face for a moment—barely anything though, but enough to confirm it’s him to you, who has been seeing him every day since you moved in with him.

His usual smile is replaced by something softer, more relaxed, more... flirty.

And then, there it is.

The content, the movement—just like you saw that first night. The subtle, slow gestures that make everything come rushing back, and for a moment, you forget to breathe.

You harshly click the tab shut, returning to the previous tab it once was. Quickly, you leave Jin’s room, making sure not to disturb anything else. The echo of the laptop snapping shut still rings in your ears, and your hands are trembling slightly as you step back into the hallway.

You hope it doesn’t look like you lingered too long. The last thing you need is for him to know you were snooping around, even accidentally. You slip back into your own room, shutting the door behind you, and lean against it, exhaling shakily.

This is too much.

You now have undeniable proof. Solid, irrefutable evidence that the man you’re living with, sharing meals with, and chatting about Pokémon and pasta with... is a cam boy. A cam boy doing porn and who’s managed to keep this side hustle hidden under layers of casual charm and everyday normalcy.

It’s not the fact that he does that kind of work that bothers you, not at all. If anything, it’s more… personal than that… The memory of what you saw—his expressions, his movements—lingers in your mind like an unshakable phantom, making your body feel uncomfortably warm and restless. You sink onto your bed, burying your face in your hands as if that will somehow erase the imagery burned into your brain.

Get it together, you tell yourself.

But curiosity—it’s a relentless beast. The harder you try to shove it down, the more insistent it becomes. Questions start to pile up, each one more intrusive than the last.

Does anyone recognize him? Do his fans know?

You grab your phone, desperate for answers, and open Reddit. If there’s one place on the internet where secrets can’t stay buried, it’s here. Your fingers fly across the keyboard as you type: Gamer Jin and BigTunaManXOXO Reddit.

The search yields only two results. Two. A drop in the ocean of online gossip and speculation, yet still enough to send your heart into overdrive.

You tap the first thread: “Jin and BigTunaManXOXO: Double Life?”

The original poster’s comment pulls you in instantly:

“Okay, is it just me, or doesn’t he sound like this cam boy BigTunaManXOXO? Literally has the same voice, same mannerisms... someone tell me I’m not crazy.”

The replies are a mix of disbelief, humor, and outright denial. Some users dismiss the theory as absurd, calling it disrespectful to Jin. Others joke about the sheer randomness of the comparison, adding memes and GIFs for good measure.

But a small minority entertains the possibility.

“I mean… I’ve seen his streams. The way he laughs does sound kinda similar…”

“I don’t think it’s him, but if it were, that would be WILD.”

One reply makes your stomach churn:

“Not saying it’s him, but I subscribed to BigTunaManXOXO just to fantasize about him being Jin. No regrets.”

You stare at the screen, your mind spinning. The majority of commenters don’t believe the theory, dismissing it as pure coincidence. But they have no idea how close they are to the truth.

And now, neither can you unsee it.

Seokjin arrived home that evening with a bright smile and the unmistakable aroma of takeout wafting through the apartment. The bags he carried crinkled as he shifted them in his arms, his voice ringing out cheerfully, “Guess what I got? Bao buns! And a few other things, but mostly the bao buns—because I remembered you mentioned them earlier this week.”

You hear a knock at your door a moment later, and you pause, nerves prickling under your skin. You take a deep breath, steadying yourself before opening it. Seokjin stands there, still dressed in his work clothes but with his usual easygoing grin.

“Dinner’s here. Come eat,” he says, gesturing toward the living room with the bags.

You nod, smiling back, though it feels a little forced. “Thanks, Jin. That’s really thoughtful of you.”

His sharp eyes linger on you for a beat too long, and you know he’s caught the slight edge in your tone, the nervous way you’re holding the door. He doesn’t say anything, but his expression shifts—subtle, curious. He doesn’t push, though; that’s not his style.

Instead, he leans back casually and adds, “I figured we could eat and watch something. Maybe an old favorite of yours?” He raises a brow, the corners of his lips tugging upward knowingly. “Bleach? I noticed you have some merch on your bookshelf.”

Your heart skips a beat, both from the thoughtful gesture and the fact that Seokjin’s perceptiveness always seems to catch you off guard. Does he see right through me? Does he know what I found?

“Bleach sounds good,” you say quickly, hoping to steady yourself. “Let me just grab something, and I’ll meet you in the living room.”

“Cool,” he says, his voice calm but tinged with something else—maybe a touch of inquisition. He walks off toward the kitchen, leaving you alone for a moment.

You close the door softly, leaning your head against it. Why does he have to be so…—you search for the right word—attentive? It’s like he has a radar for when something’s wrong. And now, dinner and your childhood favorite anime feel like a test of your ability to act normal.

A few minutes later, you join him in the living room. The coffee table is already set with the takeout containers: bao buns, lo mein, orange chicken, and fried rice. Jin is on the couch, flipping through streaming options until he lands on Bleach. He looks up and pats the cushion next to him.

“Sit. I already started the episode where Ichigo reunites with Rukia and the other Gotei 13 soul reapers. Start of my favorite arcs.”

You sit, the warm scent of the food making your stomach growl despite the anxious knot twisting inside you. Seokjin slides a plate toward you, and the two of you settle into a rhythm—eating, watching, occasionally commenting on the nostalgia of the show.

But the tension lingers.

Out of the corner of your eye, you catch him glancing at you between bites, as if trying to figure out what’s on your mind. And you wonder just how long it will take before his curiosity outweighs his patience.

As you both finish up the episode of Bleach, Seokjin turns to you, his gaze warm yet inquisitive. “So, how was your day?”

You pause for a second, collecting your thoughts.

What to say? What did you do today before your world got flipped upside down… Oh right… the job interview. “Busy,” you say with a small laugh. “I had a second interview earlier for a job.”

His eyebrows lift, impressed. “Oh? What’s the role?”

“It’s for a coordinator position at a small fashion house,” you explain. “It went… great, actually. But I don’t think I’ll get it though.”

Jin frowns, leaning slightly closer. “Why not? You just said it went great.”

You shrug, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know. It’s just a gut feeling, I guess. Fashion’s cutthroat, you know? The people in that industry are quick to judge if you don’t fit the vibe they’re looking for. You can have all the skills, a good background, everything—but it’s still not enough sometimes. I don’t think I got what they want.”

He watches you for a moment, then sets down his plate and reaches across the table. His hand finds yours, warm and grounding. “Hey,” he says softly, his voice steady. “You are good enough. I know it’s hard not to overthink, but you have to believe that you bring something special to the table.”

Your chest tightens at his words, the sincerity in his tone. His thumb brushes your knuckles gently, and that nervous feeling blooms again, tugging at the edges of your thoughts. There’s something so familiar about this—like nostalgia wrapped in uncertainty. It’s comforting, but it scares you all the same.

You blink, pulling your hand back as casually as you can without it seeming abrupt. “Thanks, Jin,” you say, your voice tight. “I… I should probably get ready for this international networking seminar I have. It’s later tonight so I’ll be up for awhile.”

He tilts his head slightly, concern flickering in his expression, but he doesn’t press. “Right. Well, good luck with it. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Right back ‘atcha,” you reply quickly, standing up. You gather the disposable utensils and plates in a hurry, tossing them into the trash before he can say anything else.

Seokjin stays seated on the couch, his gaze lingering on you as you retreat to your room. The moment you close the door behind you, you exhale sharply, pressing your back against it.

Why does he have to be like this? So supportive, so perceptive, so… kind?

This is not the Seokjin you imagined when you decided to move in here!

You shake your head, trying to refocus your thoughts. You have work to do. The seminar is important, and you need to be prepared. But even as you sit down at your desk and open your laptop, you can’t shake the image of Jin’s hand on yours or the soft encouragement in his voice.

It’s almost enough to make you forget what you saw earlier today. Almost.

Would it do you any good to force yourself to forget? Pretend that the tab you saw was just a fleeting mistake, an inconsequential moment in time?

Or would it be better to confront this unsettling curiosity head-on? Maybe, if you understood more about his “side hobby,” you could find a way to desensitize yourself. Make it less of a big deal. Normalize it in your head.

The thought gnaws at you until you’re lying in bed at 1:28 a.m., the glow of your laptop casting a dim light across your room. You’re wearing your old blue track shorts and a faded YMCA T-shirt, the kind of comfort wear you don’t expect anyone to see you in. You thought the seminar would last longer, but with some guest speaker changes, it ended right at 1am.

So now you’re doing this.

The chat on the pending livestream is already alive—rows of messages racing up the screen, eager fans buzzing in anticipation of “BigTunaMan’s” arrival.

You can’t believe you’re actually doing this.

You glance at the clock again. One minute to go.

Then, he appears.

The camera flicks on, revealing Seokjin—or BigTunaMan, as his audience knows him—seated in his chair, the warm glow of soft lighting the only facially visible part of him: his lower half of his face and the subtle curve of his smirk. He’s wearing a loose tank top, the kind that clings just enough to hint at the lines of his shoulders and chest, paired with pajama bottoms that ride low on his hips. His demeanor is relaxed, confident, and undeniably captivating.

“Hey there, my army of lovers,” he greets, his voice lower, smoother, each word deliberately stretched out as if he’s tasting them. The chat floods instantly with messages, adoration pouring in from every corner of his audience.

“BigTunaMan, looking gorgeous as always!”

“Omg, talk slower, I can’t handle it.”

“Take all my money, please.”

Jin leans forward, resting his chin in his hand, his lips curling into an indulgent smile as he reads through the comments. “You’ve all been so patient tonight,” he purrs. “So how about I spoil you a little?”

He picks up a small bowl of strawberries from beside him, holding it up for the camera. The way his fingers brush over the fruit feels intentional, sensual, as though he’s fully aware of the effect he has on the people watching.

“Let’s start simple,” he murmurs, his gaze flickering to the chat, teasing. “A little ASMR snack to set the mood. And of course, I’ll be saying your names—if you’ve earned it.”

The screen lights up with donations almost instantly, usernames accompanied by desperate messages and heart emojis.

He picks a strawberry from the bowl, holding it delicately between his fingers, and bites into it slowly. The sound is soft but amplified, deliberate, and his eyes never leave the camera. He chews thoughtfully, his tongue darting out briefly to catch a stray bit of juice.

“Thank you, PurpleHeart94,” he whispers, his voice silky and intimate. “You’re so generous tonight, baby.” He takes another bite, his gaze steady and smoldering. “And you, HentaiPrincess420—what a sweet name. Thank you for spoiling me when I should be doing that to you.”

Shit… He’s so smooth.

The chat goes wild, messages pouring in faster than you can keep track of them.

He takes his time, naming off more donors, each one met with a sultry thank-you, his tone dripping with playful affection. By the time the strawberries are gone, the tension in the air feels palpable, even through the screen.

Jin leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair as he speaks. “Now that we’re warmed up,” he says, his voice dropping lower, “how about we move on to something… a little more sexy?”

Your breath catches.

“The touching session,” he says simply, his hand trailing down his chest slowly, almost lazily. The camera angle shifts slightly, framing him in a way that feels more intimate, inviting, as if he’s closing the distance between himself and his audience.

You’re not sure whether you should close the laptop or keep watching, but your fingers remain frozen, hovering over the keyboard.

The chat explodes:

“YES, PLEASE!”

“Touch me instead!”

“PICK ME CHOOSE ME BigTunaMan!”

Jin chuckles, the sound low and resonant. “Patience,” he chides softly. “We’ve got all night, haven’t we?”

The camera zooms in slightly, drawing your focus to the deliberate, almost hypnotic movements of Jin’s hands as they trail over his skin. His voice, smooth and sultry, seeps into your ears like honey, wrapping around your thoughts and making it impossible to concentrate on anything else.

“Do you like this?” he murmurs, his tone so intimate it feels like he’s speaking directly to you. “Tell me how much you want it.”

The chat erupts in eager replies, but they’re a distant hum compared to the pounding of your heart. You can’t look away.

Though he keeps his face just out of view, it’s his voice that captures you, that low, velvety timbre punctuated by soft, breathy moans. They’re unintentional, almost reluctant, but they strike something deep within you.

You swallow hard, your throat dry, as your eyes remain glued to the screen. The way his hands move—slow, teasing, purposeful—sends heat coursing through your body. Every movement is a study in precision, a dance of tension and release that makes your breath hitch.

You feel your body responding in ways you didn’t expect. Warmth pools low in your belly, and your thighs press together instinctively. Your fingers hover near the trackpad, ready to click away but unable to follow through.

“This feels good, doesn’t it?” he continues, his voice breaking into a soft groan that sends a shiver down your spine. Why is this actually feeling…good. You can’t stop yourself from imagining those hands on you, guiding you, making you forget everything—your ex, the breakup, the shitty job market, the confusion of the past weeks.

For a moment, you close your eyes and let the sound of his voice wash over you. Your fingers inch lower, hesitating, as you let yourself get lost in the moment. You’re not thinking about the consequences, about what this means. You’re thinking about him—his hands, his voice, the heat building inside you.

The guilt simmers beneath the surface, but it’s drowned out by the relentless pull of desire. The screen lights up your room, but it’s his voice and movements that light you up inside. You barely notice the chat anymore; it’s just you and him in this moment, an unspoken connection through the glow of the laptop.

Your breath comes in shallow gasps as your hand moves on its own accord, slipping under the waistband of your shorts. You close your eyes again, imagining his hands instead of your own, his voice murmuring your name instead of the ones flooding the chat. For the first time in weeks, maybe months, you let yourself feel without holding back.

In this moment, nothing else matters. Fuck the breakup you had with Mingi. Fuck the stress of job searching. Fuck the awkwardness of living with him. And most importantly, fuck the consequences of watching this. It’s just him, the way he makes you feel, and the heat that consumes you completely.

Your breath hitches as your hands wander further, slipping under your shirt to tease at your nipples, fingers rolling and pinching lightly. Each touch sends sparks of pleasure shooting through you, but it’s not enough—not compared to what you’re watching on the screen.

Not like Jin’s movements at all.

Jin’s hands move with expert precision against his dick, his body shifting slightly as he leans into the motions. His moans, soft yet intentional, echo in your ears, spurring your own need higher. You slide your shorts down your hips, the cool air kissing your skin as they drop to the floor.

Your fingers dip lower, grazing over the slick heat pooling between your thighs. It’s good, but not nearly enough. You want more. You need more.

With a frustrated sigh, you pull yourself away from the bed, heart pounding as you open the drawer of your nightstand. Your fingers quickly locate the toy nestled among your folded underwear. It’s a guilty secret you’ve kept for moments like this, though none of those moments have ever felt as charged as this one.

You crawl back onto the bed, the glow of the screen casting shadows over your skin. Jin’s voice fills the room, low and enticing, as he murmurs, “You want me to keep going? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

Your thighs clench involuntarily at his words, your hand trembling slightly as you press the toy against yourself. The first vibration jolts through you, a gasp escaping your lips as your body arches into the sensation.

On the screen, Jin leans back slightly, his voice dipping even lower. “Just relax,” he says, as though he knows exactly what you’re doing. “Let me make you feel good.”

You follow his lead, letting the toy work against you as your free hand resumes teasing your chest. The pleasure builds steadily, your movements syncing with his as if he’s guiding you through the screen.

Every sound he makes, every deliberate motion, heightens the sensation coursing through you. You bite your lip, trying to stay quiet, but a soft moan slips out despite your efforts. The rhythm of the toy against you matches the cadence of his voice, and it feels as though he’s right there, coaxing you to the edge. You feel yourself almost reaching your orgasm.

But then…

The darkness in the room is lit by the various colored lights and monitor screens as Jin’s chest rises and falls. He begins to slows his movements on his cock, his fingers curling reflexively against his skin. For a brief, unguarded moment, his mind conjures your image—your laughter from earlier at dinner, the way you nervously tugged at the hem of your shirt when he reached out to reassure you.

Woah, what.

Why am I thinking about her right now?

The thought crashes into him like a freight train, shattering his carefully constructed cam-boy persona. His rhythm falters, and as he shifts back abruptly, his elbow knocks into the small Mario figure perched on the edge of his desk.

The figure wobbles, teeters, and then tumbles, the plastic base snapping cleanly off as it hits the hardwood floor.

“Shit!” Jin hisses, his hands flying up to stop the disaster that’s already occurred.

He quickly reaches for the webcam, clicking off the feed and muttering a quick excuse to his audience. “Hey guys, I’ll be right back. Technical issue. Don’t go anywhere.”

The chat floods with reactions—some disappointed, others supportive—but Jin pays them no mind. He gets himself covered up, with his focus no on the broken Mario figure in his hands.

He turns it over, the damage glaringly obvious. It’s just a silly little figurine to anyone else, but to Jin, it’s so much more. You’d given it to him during a Secret Santa exchange in elementary school. It was back when you were both just kids, long before life got complicated and your paths diverged.

He’d kept it all these years, quietly treasuring the memory of that moment, even if you probably didn’t remember.

“Damn it…” he mutters under his breath. He needs super glue—immediately.

The thought strikes him like lightning: you bought super glue just the other day to fix a keychain. You even mentioned it offhand while you were unloading groceries together.

You must have it in your room.

Without hesitation, Jin stands, his mind racing with urgency. You’d said you’d be up late for some seminar, so you’re probably awake. There’s no time to text or knock; he can just explain in person. You’re a few steps away anyway.

He pushes your door open, stepping inside in a rush, only for the world to come screeching to a halt.

His eyes widen as they land on you—sprawled on your bed, your shirt rucked up to expose bare breasts and heat, your shorts kicked off and forgotten. The unmistakable hum of a vibrator fills the air, the glow of your laptop illuminating your flushed face.

Holy shit, he just caught his new roommate and childhood rival… friend? masterbating.

Your hand freezes mid-motion as you look at him, your expression a mixture of shock and mortification.

For a moment, neither of you moves.

“I—” Jin stammers, his voice catching in his throat. His gaze darts away, his face heating up so fast it feels like it might combust. “I—oh my god—I’m sorry! I didn’t mean—”

Your own voice fails you, a strangled moaning sound escaping your lips as you scramble to pull the blanket over yourself, fumbling in a panic.

“W-What the hell, Jin!” you manage to croak, your voice high-pitched and shaky.

“I needed super glue!” he blurts out, clutching the broken Mario figure in his hands like it’s the most important thing in the world. “For this! It’s broken, and I—”

“This couldn’t wait?!” you snap, the mortification only growing as his words fully sink in.

Jin takes a step back, clearly flustered. “I didn’t think—! I mean, I thought you were—”

He freezes mid-sentence, his eyes darting to your laptop screen. His breath catches as the realization washes over him.

That’s my stream.

For a moment, the room is suffocatingly silent, his wide-eyed gaze flicking between you and the unmistakable paused screen of his cam boy persona on your laptop. You're watching me? The thought echoes in his mind, equal parts flattered and horrified.

Jin had sensed something was off earlier in the evening, even before all of this unfolded. After dinner, when he’d returned to his room, he’d noticed the Chaturbate tab—closed.

That was odd.

He distinctly remembered leaving it open before leaving for work this morning. He’d scheduled some exclusive content for his next stream and had moved the tab to a less conspicuous window. He figured maybe he’d closed it in a rush and forgotten.

But now, as he stood here, watching your flushed face buried in your hands, it started clicking into place.

Your awkward behavior during dinner—the way you fumbled through your answers, the slight tension in your laugh. He’d assumed you were just jittery from nerves after your job interview, but this? This was something else entirely.

How long have you known?

The realization settled in his chest like a slow-building weight, pushing him further toward clarity. His gaze softened, not with pity, but with a blend of intrigue and confusion.

“Y/N, you’re watching my camming stream?” he finally says, his voice low, incredulous.

You groan, your hands flying up to cover your burning face. “Oh my god. I can explain—no, wait, I can’t explain. Just—” You trail off, wishing for the earth to swallow you whole. Your voice is muffled through your palms as you mutter, “This isn’t what it looks like at all!”

You're kind of cute, all flustered like this, he thinks to himself.

Jin crosses his arms, leaning against your doorframe, and his lips quirk up into a lopsided smile. There’s amusement in his eyes, but also something more—interest, maybe? He tilts his head slightly, watching you squirm.

Maybe he should tease her a little, like old times.

“Wow,” he finally says, his voice low and teasing. “Have you been that lonely?”

Your head snaps up, your face somehow growing hotter. “What? No! I mean…” You falter, the truth sitting heavy on your tongue, and you look away, unable to meet his gaze. “Okay, maybe a little. The breakup was actually that bad and um…but this—this isn’t about that.”

He takes a step closer, his smirk softening into something gentler. “You could’ve told me.”

“Told you what?” you ask weakly, your heart pounding as he stands just a few feet away now.

“That you’ve been feeling like this. That you needed…” His voice dips, and his dark eyes flicker over you, lingering just a little too long. “Some help...”

Your breath catches, and you swallow hard, trying to keep your voice steady. “Seokjin, I don’t—”

“I could help,” he interrupts, his tone soft but unmistakably suggestive.

The weight of his words settles over you like a warm blanket, and for a moment, all you can do is stare at him, your mind racing. Is he serious? Does he mean what you think he means?

No, like why would he? What does he gain from this? Even he himself wonders.

“You could help?” you repeat, your voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it out loud would shatter whatever fragile tension exists between you.

His eyes lock onto yours, and the look he gives you is steady, confident, and almost daring. “Yeah,” he says. “If you’d let me.”

He doesn’t think you’ll actually accept it, if anything, this is probably time for you to officially kick him out–

“Then help me, already.”

–

a/n: this is really long chapter because i really wanted to add some psychological warfare going on in reader's head + some character development as these two "childhood rivals" start to befriend each other now in their adult lives. i hope you enjoy this chapter. happy holidays!! thank you all for the support and for reading!

➸ let me know what you think OR join the taglist for future works! ➸ check out my masterlist for other fics I have made

#seokjin x reader #seokjin x y/n #jin x reader #bts x reader #bts jin #bts smut #jin smut #bts imagines #bts reactions #smut #heart on the window #bts reader insert #bts fic #bts x fem!reader #jin fic #camboy au

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ripdragonbeans · 3 days ago

Text

Love In The Darkest Of Places // modern!Aemond x Reader

Chapter 7: A Brief Respite, Perhaps?

Summary: You take a break from everything for a while but Aemond somehow shows back up in your life anyway.

Warnings: none

A/N: Thank you @exitpursuedbyavulcan for making this just a hint messier lol ❤️

Chapter 6 // Chapter 8

He didn't look back.

Those were the words that echoed in your head. Your heart crumpled. Tears ran down your cheeks. You hugged yourself tight.

A week has passed since you last talked to Aemond. He held true to his word; you were still blocked on his phone. Any attempt at a call went straight to voicemail. He was really cutting you out. You didn't exist in his life anymore.

“Sweetie?” There was a knock at your door. “You can’t stay in your room forever. You’re going to have to come out eventually.”

You talked just loud enough to be heard through the door. “Please leave me alone, Hel.” You sniffled a bit, and a few more tears dropped down.

Yes, it’s been a week. Yes, you haven’t been able to stop crying for more than a few hours at a time. Yes, you miss him. Yes, everything hurts. No, you don’t feel like you’ve healed at all. You felt everything and nothing all at once. It was unreal; nothing felt real.

For a few more hours, you stayed in bed, curled up, occasionally crying. Whenever you thought you were done crying, a new thought would make its way to the front of your mind, and you'd start all over again. Once you got out of bed, you still wrapped yourself in your blankets but walked out into the living room.

“I'm alive,” you said unenthusiastically. “I feel like shit, but I'm alive.”

“And I'm glad you are,” Helaena nodded. “Now, what would my friend like to do today except stay in bed?”

You shrugged and mumbled something incoherently.

“That's not going to work, sweetie. You need to get out. Let's go for a walk around the park. Maybe we can find some cute dogs!”

You smiled at your friend as you gave in. “Fine, let's go find some dogs.”

You waddled back to your room to change into your usual day clothes. This time you chose to go with a casual dress and tights with a jacket and boots. While spring was nearing, it was still a little chilly. You looked at the sapphire necklace on your vanity. It took everything in you not to cry again. You softly caressed the necklace, wishing you could put it on, but you promised Aemond you wouldn't wear it anymore, and you were done breaking promises to him. Even if it hurt you.

Leaving your room once more, you met Helaena in her car, already warmed up.

“I was thinking we could check out the dog park. It's the best place to find dogs, of course,” she said as though it was an amazing discovery.

“What about the shelter? It's a little smelly, but they're all looking for love.”

“Oh, but I don't want to give them false hope!”

You sighed. “That's fair. To the dog park we go!”

Despite the chilly day, there were quite a few people out with their dogs. You and Helaena sat on the bench and petted every dog that came by to say hi.

One husky came up to you, all friendly, and even jumped on you.

“Down, girl!” A voice called. It was a very familiar voice.

Looking up, you scrunched your eyes in the direction of the voice. “Cregan?”

Cregan came jogging over to you and Helaena, his shoulder length hair tied in a half up half down ponytail.

“Hey,” he smiled. “Haven't seen you in a few years.”

“Yeah, it's been a while,” you agreed.

Over the years you kept in slight touch with Cregan but not actively. You would like each other's posts on social media and wish each other happy holidays when the time comes around, but that was about it.

“This is my girl, Tempest,” he said while he petted his dog. “Tempest say hi.”

Tempest let out a big “woof” to say hello to you and Helaena.

“She’s well-trained. Did the training myself. You two got a dog here?”

“No, we just wanted to visit the pups, honestly,” you told him.

“We needed a break from the world,” piped up Helaena.

“That's fair,” Cregan chuckled, then looked at you. “How's you and um, what's his name? Oh, Aemond! How are you two doing?”

Your face dropped immediately. “We're…fine. I guess. We're not together, if that's what you mean. I haven't talked to him in a while.”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I thought you two were really close.”

You hugged yourself. “Yeah, we were,” you said quietly.

Silence hung in the air.

Helaena broke the silence. “How about we all go walking downtown? There are plenty of dog-friendly places there!”

Cregan was quick to jump in. “Yeah! Tempest would love to walk around, wouldn't you, girl?”

Tempest barked in excitement and wagged her tail.

“Meet us outside the library, yeah?” Cregan asked before he left.

“We'll be there!” Helaena called after him. “Come on,” she turned to you, “let's go walking with an old friend.”

Once you met up with Cregan and Tempest at the library, it was fairly easy sailing. Everything was okay again. Your heart felt lighter since this morning. It was nice to have something else occupy your mind other than Aemond.

The three of you and Tempest walked up and down the streets of King’s Landing. There were soap shops, clothing stores, tourist shops, and antique stores galore. Every now and then, you had to stop to allow a stranger to pet Tempest; she was more than happy to receive affection.

You were at a peculiar knick-knacks shop when you felt a pair of eyes on you. Something wasn't right. You turned to ask Helaena about it when you saw them at the front door. Alys and Aemond. Your stomach dropped at the sight of them. You were ready to throw up.

Once again, they were holding hands but didn't show any other signs of affection. They were looking straight at you. Alys looked devious. She grimaced at the sight of you and tried to turn Aemond around but failed. He couldn't take his eye off of you.

You silently mouthed his name. He was here, and he was so close. You wanted so badly to run to him, but you held yourself back. Not with Alys right there.

He took a step forward, like he was about to try to talk to you, but Alys pulled him back. She got up on her toes and whispered something in his ear. That's when his eye darted to Cregan and his close proximity to you. His jaw ticked, and he quickly turned on his heel, letting go of Alys’s hand and leaving her in the store. Alys didn't seem to mind. Instead, she winked at you and began to browse the store.

“What was that about?” Whispered Cregan.

You brushed it off. ��Nothing. Nothing happened.” You bent down to pet Tempest. “Right, Hel? Nothing.”

Helaena nodded her head in agreement. “We should actually get going. It's been a long day.” She gave Cregan a quick hug and Tempest a kiss on the head. “It was nice to see you again.”

After you said your goodbye to Cregan and Tempest, you followed Helaena out the door and to her car, quick to avoid Alys.

When you got home, you sighed, heaviness starting to settle in your heart again. “That was…”

“Weird?” Helaena finished the sentence for you.

“I didn't know if I was going to cry or if I was going to scream at Alys.”

“Did you see how he left her, though? He left her behind.”

“Well, whatever she said to him pissed him off. It probably had to do with Cregan. Gods, she just wants me out of his life,” you groaned. Fear and sadness enveloped you once again. “And it's working. Aemond doesn't want me around.”

“Don't say that, you know that's not true!” Helaena said. “He was about to go to you. Alys just stopped him. If she weren't there, he would have talked to you.”

“If he wanted to talk to me, he could unblock me from his phone,” you countered. You sighed as tears gathered in the corners of your eyes. “I just want him back,” you whispered.

“He'll come back, I'm sure of it.”

“...okay.” Your heart was no longer light anymore. It was heavy and difficult to carry. “I think I'm gonna go to bed now.” You got up and slowly made your way to your room.

“No, please don't. I need you to stay up,” pleaded.

“I'm drained, Hel. Thank you for the day, though. It was nice to be outside for a bit.” You gave her a sad smile from the hallway, then went to your room.

Curling up in a ball after changing clothes, you thought about the day. It was so nice until you saw him. Gods, you almost didn't even want to think about his name. Just his name made you want to cry. You let a few years fall before settling yourself into a deep sleep.

A few more weeks had passed. Graduation was almost upon you, and soon, Aemond and Alys could be open about their relationship. That was your only thought as finals were coming around the corner. You wiped away tears that threatened to fall. You haven't stopped crying completely but it certainly wasn't as bad as it was before.

You were about to head to class when your phone vibrated. When you unlocked it to see who it was, you almost dropped your phone.

Aemond.

Aemond Targaryen was calling you.

He was calling you.

You fumbled with your phone. “Yes?” You answered.

“Hey, can I come over? I know I've been gone, but I need…I need someone,” he said.

“Are you sure you want me and not Alys?” you asked.

You practically see him nod. “I don't want her. I need you. So, can I come over?”

“Yeah. Helaena is out for classes all day, so it would be just you and me.”

“That's fine.”

“Okay, I'll see you in a bit. To - I mean, bye.” And with a click, you hung up.

Aemond showed up fifteen minutes later. When you opened the door to let him in, the first thing you noticed was the exhaustion on his face.

“Aemond, are you okay?”

He tackled you in a hug, then quickly stepped back. “You were right.” Aemond ran a hand through his unruly hair and curled up on the bed. “She was cheating on me. I caught her with another student.”

“Aemond…” you were careful with your words. “I'm so sorry.”

You slowly reached out to touch his shoulder, giving him enough time to turn away, but he didn't. He welcomed your touch. Aemond’s hands went to bury his face, and for a while, that's how you stayed. It was comforting, but at the same time, it wasn't enough. You wanted nothing more than to wrap him in your arms and hold him. How dare someone play with his heart after all he's been through.

Aemond suddenly started clawing at his face. “FUCK!” He sat up, ripped off his eyepatch, and threw it across the room. “What the fuck did I do? What did I do to deserve this?” He turned to you. “Tell me. What did I do that made the gods hate me?” Tears began to trickle out of his good eye. His sapphire shimmered as though it had tears as well.

“Aemond, the gods don't hate you,” you tried to reassure him. You slowly brought your other hand to his cheek. “No one hates you. I certainly don't.”

Aemond sniffled. “What about Alys?”

You took your hand away from his face. Alys. Of course he's still thinking about Alys right now. She was the reason he was feeling like this.

“Alys…made her choice. I'm not saying she never cared about you, but it's showing how much she does by not being faithful.”

“Gods fucking dammit. I hate this. I hate her.”

Hearing Aemond proclaim his hatred for Alys should have your heart soaring, but instead, it made it sink. She was such an important person to him that she made him feel this way, and she didn't give one shit.

“That dinner, when you met her?” Aemond asked. “Guess it was all a fucking lie. She didn't care about me. She cared about getting you out.”

You let his words wash over you. Alys just didn't want to be fired from her job for hooking up with students. It was always about alienating you from Aemond to make sure she kept her job.

“You have a choice now. You can either break up with her and leave this all behind,” you took a deep breath. “Or you could go back to her like nothing ever happened.”

Aemond looked at you with unease in his eyes. He was conflicted. “I choose…” he started, “I choose to leave her.”

You stopped yourself from grinning. “Good. You deserve someone so much better than her. You deserve someone who cares about you.”

“Do I, though? Every person I've cared about has hurt me.” Aemond looked down.

“Listen to me.” You cupped his face in your hands. “You are the most deserving person of all good things I have ever met. Every wrong that has ever happened to you never should have happened.”

Aemond’s good eye was glossy. He shook his head. “It's difficult to believe that after everything.”

“I know, and I'm so sorry that I'm one of those people who make you feel that way.”

Aemond sniffled. “Not all the time,” he admitted. “You've always been there, except for those few months, but even with everything with Alys, you still stayed.”

“Of course I would.”

He looked at your neck. “You're not wearing my necklace.”

“I didn't want it to remind you that I broke my promise.”

Aemond hummed. It was more of a comforting hum to himself. “Do you miss us?”

You sighed and gave him a small smile. “Of course I do, Aemond. I've missed you every day I've been away from you. Leaving you alone was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not wearing the necklace hurt my heart. It was my own reminder that I fucked up.”

Aemond moved closer to you. “I've missed you, too.”

And there you sat, holding Aemond closely as though he would disappear.

“I know I've said it before,” you whispered, “but I'm truly sorry for everything.”

“I know you are,” he whispered back. Aemond looked up at you and cupped your face. He sat up and began to lean in.

As much as you wanted to kiss him, you stopped it by placing a gentle finger on his lips.

“I want to kiss you, gods, how I've been wanting to kiss you, but you're hurt right now. I don't want to take advantage of you.”

Aemond flushed and backed up. “Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry, I just -” he stuttered. “Yeah.”

“Let's take it slow, okay? For both of us.”

“For both of us,” he echoed. He looked at you hesitantly. “Can we start with a date?”

You blushed. “Yes, we can start with a date.”

"Together forever?”

You smiled and kissed his forehead. “Together forever.”

#fics by bean #bean speaks #aemond x reader #modern!aemond #aemond targaryen #aemond one eye #modern hotd #modern hotd fanfic #hotd fanfic #modern!aemond x reader #modern!aemond x you #aemond x you

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