#fuck. only 7 days
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#hot damn#i dont usually come here to write about good things but#god damn i caught myself SINGING again#SINGING#...i used to do that all the time. always have. it might even be like a stimming thing for me#...i dont know when i got so sick i stopped. in fact i didnt notice the lack of it until i just caught myself doing it#im only seven days into recovery after 2 lomg miserable years and im already starting to come back i think#honestly i dare not think it. i cant handle the disappointment again#but the brain fog was gone aftrr 3 days#18 months of my brain being slow and thick and never getting my point across#stutter and speech tick becoming infinitely worse#and then it was just... gone#7 days#7 days and im singing again#i fell to my knees the moment i realized and literally just. sobbed#im never gonna take anything for granted again. this was more than a wake up call#this is a new beginning for me I think#fuck. only 7 days#today is also the first day in over a year i ate fresh things instead of fast food. no fast food at all today!#the first time i almost burned down the house i stopped cooking. the first time I accidentally cut myself I stopped cutting fruits n veggies#but i cooked today. i ate kiwis and fish and asparagus and im gonna go make more fish and maybe a pot of potato soup#gonna go clean a whole tub of strawberries and eat them all at once right off the leaf#i am going to peel a cucumber and deep throat that motherfucker. 2 bites max im tellin ya#fuck. i'll never take it for granted again im gonna use this life to do as much good as i can#....im too scared to say im actually getting better. cuz what if this is just like last time. what if my last 2 MRIs pick up something?#what if this is just another calm before the storm and im about to live through some new fresh hell i didnt think i could sink to?#...but im seven days into recovery#and today i started singing again#and thats not nothing#id say delete later but i wont
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for ruikasatober
#bashes head onto a concrete wall bashes head onto a concrete wall bashes head onto a concrete wall bashes head onto a concrete wall b#like 7 hours of me being cramped up in my desk only now am i eating my 2nd meal of the day#prsk#pjsk#pjsekai#project sekai#project sekai colorful stage#project sekai fanart#prsk fa#prsk bl#ruikasa#kamishiro rui#tenma tsukasa#rui kamishiro#tsukasa tenma#wonderlands x showtime#wxs#wandasho#wxs tsukasa#wxs rui#��司#ruikasatober#the colors look so odd on other platforms its kinda fucking w me a lil#mari art
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day 147
psychically induced chronic illness squad
#day 147#year 4#aradia megido#sollux captor#homestuck#arasol#solluxs migraine thing is right in his introduction#but we only get like. one line from aradia in her singular conversation with rose in a5#where she mentions an 'elusive feeling of sickness' following her for her entire life#which i think you could read as like. anxiety/sense of impending doom due to upsetting psychic whispering 24/7#but when i was a kid and i felt anxious it ALWAYS manifested as a feeling of Oh I Am Going To Barf About This#to the point that i spent like a full year getting a whole barrage of medical tests trying to figure out what was wrong with my guts#turned out it was simply undiagnosed mental illness because nobody really considered that a 6 year old could have one of those#but such is life anyway catch me projecting onto these two once a fucking gain
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so this is why you dressed up nice today like fuck off
#this is one of the lines that pops into my head randomly throughout the day and does extreme psychic damage to me every time#if you know how i feel why would you say that etc etc#and every fucking line from the episode 7 hell scenes#like i’ll be going about my day and then BOOM orpheus and eurydice line slaps me in the face#the worst is when i get hit with sorry no version of this where i didn’t come get you is there#and we’ve got literally forever to figure out what the rest means like SHUT UPPPP#if you or a loved one have been personally victimised by charles rowland popping in your head and saying the most devastatingly romantic#shit you may be entitled to financial compensation#genuinely there’s NO REASON for him to be that romantic like WHO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT#girl who is NOT going to be okay#charles rowland#he is so perfect to me#i mean the only perfect did nothing wrong character is niko like genuinely she’s so perfect#charles didn’t believe women for like one episode like he atoned for it but it still happened#and then him detailing his hook up with crystal when he knew edwin was jealous wasn’t great#but other than that literally perfect did no wrong#yeet my deet#save dead boy detectives#renew dead boy detectives#revive dead boy detectives#dead boy detectives#dbdshow#yeet my deebd#dead boy detective agency#dbda#payneland#edwin payne#chedwin#charles x edwin
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I know I keep asking this and you only answer when its anon but please please what is your opinion on Cross and a reference or full body comic. Please Anó I'm not trying to be bothersome but I'm balling by eyes out on your so few Cross drawings.
*Disintegrates*
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you didn’t see this sign (refer to no.4 in that post please) and this sign (read the full post)
Whether someone is on Anon or not isn’t in the equation when I answer an ask, I answer asks that I can answer easily way more quickly cause I already have that answer with me on the ready, other asks I take some time for reasons that I am not obligated to share
If I happen to only answer your questions when you’re on Anon, it’s merely a coincidence and nothing more
I find it hilarious cause I literally just got a friend’s opinion on which design I should go for Cross’ jacket just a few minutes before I got this ask
I’m not some sort of machine that is able to bump out artworks or answers for asks as they come, have some fucking respect for my time and understand that when you send an ask, you’re talking to a human behind that fucking screen, and that doesn’t just go for me, but for every fucking blog on this hellsite
#it’s 7 am i’m not in the mood for this bullshit#and I read this while I’m at work too#cause y’know#i’m an adult that has responsibilities outside my online life yet somehow people can’t understand that#i find it wild how the only fandom that managed to break my very basic boundaries are the UT fandom#I’m not gonna be online for the rest of the day I’m so fucking frustrated and tired rn#maybe for the rest of the fucking week even#any and all Anons or off Anons asking for their shit to be answered will be immediately blocked moving forward#anothers ask
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i am sooo setting myself up for hate with this but like...damn! y'all really hate epic calypso and i...really don't? i don't know if it's lack of background knowledge on one (or both) of our parts or just knowledge of different versions of the myth/character or different interpretations of love in paradise/not sorry for loving you but like...
calypso hurts odysseus. but not maliciously? he's a victim, and so is she.
i think possibly the lyric "under my spell we're stuck" is making people think she's the one keeping them on the island? she's not. she's a prisoner, too. hopefully the next saga makes that clearer? i think from the clips we've got of not sorry it might.
i don't think she's using the words of his dead friends to mock or trigger or harm him or even to try to manipulate him. it's possible she doesn't even realize what she's saying - how would she know the origins of those phrases? If she's hearing them as he talks in his sleep, even odds they sound like affirmations. they sound positive - i'll stay in your heart! greet the world with open arms! in the best possibility, she's trying to comfort him.
that is of course an optimistic view. call me polites, i guess. but even as she is hurting odysseus - and she is, i don't deny that! - i can't see it as because she's another example of an evil god. i think for better or worse - she doesn't know any better. it doesn't excuse her violations of boundaries, but she has a childlike, self-centered perspective because for so long she HAS just been herself. the world DOES revolve around her. it doesn't make it right. but it doesn't make her a villain.
i've already seen people complaining about how she refuses to apologize in not sorry for loving you. but she does. she apologizes for everything (say too little too late, fine, but she does) EXCEPT loving him. and her love has never been the thing causing harm. her actions have. she shouldn't apologize for loving him.
also also - within epic canon, as of what we know now, i don't think those aforementioned actions include sexual assault. there are differences between epic and the odyssey. that has been made abundantly clear. and other incidents of violence and sexual assault within epic are clearly articulated. if these aren't, i don't think we can assume they're there.
epic calypso isn't odyssey calypso. or pjo calypso. or any other calypso except: epic calypso.
#post#my two cents.gif#the vehement hate im seeing is wild#it's so different than the reaction to circe#or the other gods#or the suitors#im not saying my interpretation is the right one but i have it and here we are lol#positive vibes only!!! as in feel ur feelings no shade or hate from me#epic the musical#this isnt even to get into the fact that the end of love in paradise is one snapshot of time and clearly a bad fucking day in a trauma life#but in not sorry ody says he loves her - they have good(ish at least) times too#then again athena says 7 years she's kept you - so maybe in epic canon it is calypso's fault and i should eat my own words
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remember how in dao there were always like multiple flirty options u could just spring on ur love interest and it wasn't something that was brushed past it would stop a conversation dead in its tracks to have a cute secondary flirty offshoot with small variations dependent on the flirty option u initially chose with a unique course correction to get back on topic after...... yeah.
#sorry i'm about to be a hater#romance in datv is like. a vaguely flirty line met by an even vaguer response that has no impact on the conversation#in the beginning at least#only once your relationship is like 6 or 7 does it get a little more receptive#and the whole time it's like okay i completed a main quest. time to talk to the love interest. okay i did another main quest. time to talk#to the love interest. BC YOU CAN'T TALK TO THEM OUTSIDE OF DESIGNATED CUTSCENES. U CAN'T HAVE RANDOM CONVERSATIONS#A LA HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A LAMPPOST IN WINTER!!! THAT IS SO LAME!!!!!!!! SO COOKIE CUT!!!!!!!!!#there's so few references to your relationship at all really. the romance cutscenes could be removed and u would never know they're in love#the romance doesn't exist outside of designated cutscenes. you can't choose to randomly flirt you must wait for The Cutscenes because#there's only one way to romance everybody. even dai was better with this imo even though the formula is similar#partly bc u can get to know everyone outside of exclusive cutscenes?? you can just approach them at anytime and get to know them?? and find#a chance to flirt?? and there's teeny tiny special romance-specific moments carved out. like the dance after halamshiral for example#and again people TALK about your romance. it's present in the narrative#bioware is so known for their romances but they dropped the ball hard here and i'm sooooooooo disappointed#and actually?? companions barely ever interject during main quests too?? or quests at all?? just as a side note#companions should be voicing their OPINIONSSSSS when i make choices????#davrin should have had so much to say during weisshaupt cutscenes. like what the fuck was that#and why wasn't there a one-on-one conversation discussing his mortality with him beforehand?? would have liked to see that??#relationship growth in this game is purely waiting for the next milestone and it feels so stale and lackluster and upsetting and ugh#the fact that giving your companions gifts strictly results in approval gain and one measly thank you is indicative of everything wrong#anyways.txt#jasmine plays datv#da4 spoilers
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#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this#also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background…#and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids#in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game#the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who#really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks#phantump#HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all#and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible#and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images#i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha#i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said#“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this#and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that#once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine#i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a#script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the#queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them#then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses#because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here#just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially#made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is)#so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened#i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I learned tonight that some of my coworkers DON’T pretend to be ghostbusters when using the backpack vacuum and I’ve never been more disappointed in my peers. Like look at this (stock image) and tell me what self respecting adult wouldn’t have the dang theme song playing in their head on loop ]:<
#🎃 Cryptid Sighting#I kid but only just#I get not everybody grew up with easy access to the classic movies or exposure to the better entries into the franchise#But these are people about my same age who grew up knowing about Ghostbusters and they don’t picture these monstrosities as proton packs smh#Where’s their fuckin’ whimsy?#Also these will fuck you up haha … I’m in a world of pain in places that I didn’t know could hurt rip#Pretending to be a ghostbuster while having to lug one of these 30+ lb monstrosities up & down stairs for about 7 hours a day can do that#But I can’t deny that they’re kinda fun. My mental illnesses were happy for a while
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#tf2#spy tf2#tf2 spy#team fortress 2#french fuck friday#spy tf2 featuring snipers ass#she would kill me but i lov her#find the secret trans flag lol#spy has to share today with pyro bc there's only 7 days in the week lol. happy flamethrower friday too#tf2 weekdays
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FUTURE DONNIE MECH SUIT V1.5
#my art#rottmnt#rottmnt movie#bad future#this is a combat only suit he doesnt wear it 24/7 ok? ok#this was based on a suit from idw#but fuck canon i just went with what looks cool#sorry don idk how to draw your style of tech#anyway this is still a wip and ill likely change things up#with the smaller details of his design#but i spent ALL DAY drawing so (THROWS HIM AT YOU)
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Birthday time :D
I doodled this on the 18th, figured it’d be nice to save for today.
This past year has been the most wildest year of my life. To everyone I’ve come to known, old and new.
You mean the fucking world to me. Here’s for an even better rest of our year, together.
@f0rtunesfuture @amberluvsbugs @garbagechocolate @darkxsoulzyx @kandidandi @just-a-drawing-bean @cacaocheri @bunmuffin @sleepykas @xitsensunmoon @justaduckarts @skizabaa @starsketchez @fernzwing @smoljeanius @ilsole @tuzesdays @magicclownjuice @ohno-the-sun
(If I haven’t tagged you there is a Very(tm) high chance I am either unsure if you’d want to be tagged or too much of a coward to do it anyways but that does not mean you’d mean less <3)
#nebula art and doodles#i was gonna digitalize this but i thought it’d be funny if it wasnt#thank you to everyone who has come with me on this wild journey#only about 7-8 months since i first joined the dca fandom#since i joined ao3 and tumblr#and ever since then i have made some fucking incredible friends#i am so goddamn thankful to every single one of you fuckers /aff#for every goofy bit#every silly question i get#every ounce of serotonin ive gotten for people enjoying my things#you’ve all made my day just a little bit better for everytime i see someone like the things i create#to all my followers#to all my mutuals#to all my friends#thank you for making my life better#thank you for everything#i know for a lot of my moots i dont interact or talk to you#but do know i see you#and i appreciate you for sticking around#feeling sentimental as fuck thumbs up#anyways the fact that i share a birthday with sonic the fucking hedgehog sure is something#gotta go fast i guess
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trying to make bg3 work for me today got me like
#the bg3 adventures#i ain't touching that shit for a year i s2g#whatever they mixed into that patch 7 sauce it got everywhere#on my saves on my mods on my load orders#i downgraded to patch 6 that didn't do dick (my mods would just not appear in the game no matter what)#so i figured imma put my big girl pants on and tackle every challenge that patch 7 + mods has to offer#let me tell you how i spent 3 hours mud-wrestling the bg3 executable#only to go back home crying covered in shit head-to-toe#and yes i've reinstalled bg3mm and the SE and deleted and reloaded and restarted and updated the mods that had newer versions#it's just the built-in mod manager is an absolute nightmare to fucking work with#the back-and-forth between the mod manager the menu the saves the mod page while loading the saves#the random mods showing up that are not even in the mod folder/??? i'm-#and then some other mods showing up like... 20 times? dsdfdsf#yeah nah take me back to the peaceful pre-patch days#when i could just load in play around with pretty dresses then spend 2 hours taking pics or game footage#anyway where was i? ah yes period crying at my desk before any of this sdfdsfgfdg#maybe i should log off and just go write#yea
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Fun fact: Astarion is fucking TRAUMATIZED AS SHIT
#my art stuff#astarion#bg3#baldur's gate 3#bg3 tav#tav#tiefling tav#tiefling#hug#embrace#claws#blood#tears#crying#I have been extremely fucked up over this guy the past few days#I keep thinking about this song I connect to him and crying#it’s kept me up super late and ruined my apetite for several days in a row now#but making this made me feel a bit better finally#I connect so deeply with him so far as I struggle with a lot of similar things as him#I expected to hate him when I started playing but now my heart aches for him 24/7 and I’ve only had the game for a lil over a week#I love him so incredibly much and if anybody hurts him I will personally hunt you down.#the pale elf
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it's been one week since season three aired...
#IVE AGED TERRIBLY#why does it feel like it's been months???#how can it only be 7 fucking days?#horrendous#bridgerton#polin
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