#and im really really scared that when im away from people
Note
would you ever consider writing bg3 g/t fearplay from the tiny’s perspective? maybe gale or wyll? im a sucker for characters that aren’t intimidating or scary being seen as terrifying from the tiny’s perspective.
YES ABSOLUTELY!!
Here is Gale fear play as a treat, Wyll will come soon >:)
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Tav was used to being around the wizard.
It was only about a week into the whole tadpole predicament when Tav was noticed by the much larger people at the camp, and Gale had been one of the first in support of keeping the tiny with them. They’d been terrified of the group at the time, but the tadpole in their brain still called to the gigantic figures. And as scary as some of the giants were, they were all relatively careful and kind…aside from the vampire of course. Although even his teasing got better eventually.
Gale, however, was easily one of the least intimidating giants Tav had ever met.
The man never held them without permission and almost all conversations with him led to some discussion of magic or what it was like to be so small. He was curious to his core, and while he was fascinated by Tav’s stature, he was never disrespectful.
All in all, being scared of Gale, the most gentle giant they’d ever met, seemed like a ridiculous if not impossible notion.
That was, until they remembered how strong he truly was compared to them.
It was late at night when goblins snuck into their camp. Astarion noticed first, jumping up from his trance to alert the others. Tav barely had time to wipe the sleep from their eyes before they were harshly grabbed, warm skin squeezing tightly around them.
“Hey wait,” Tav yelled as they tried to push their way free, but the hand just grabbed tighter, making it hard to breath and causing theirs limbs to ache.
They tried to get their bearings, taking a gasping breath as they managed to push their head free, “Fucking hells, let me go!”
But the hand only wrapped around them tighter, squeezing their chest painfully causing a sharp pain in their lungs. They fought as hard as they could but it was no use, and after a few seconds of being crushed they were haphazardly thrown into something dark. A pocket…
All around them they heard yells and movement as the fabric twisted around them uncomfortably, but no matter how much they yelled they didn’t get a response. They twisted to try to orient themselves but every time they managed to sit up they were knocked back down again.
It felt like hours before it finally stopped, and Tav was shaking head to toe. The sounds around them died down as the person keeping them captive stopped moving so frantically. It was over.
“Hells…” a familiar loud voice exhaled from above them as a hand reached down to them…the same hand that not too long before had squeezed them so tight they feared they’d pop.
Instinctively they winced and flinched away, trying to avoid the grasping fingers. However, there wasn’t much they could do against someone so much larger than themselves. They kicked and scratched as the tight grip wrapped around them, gentler this time.
When they were pulled out into the light of the camp they were met with a familiar face- Gale, bloodied and breathing hard. And although the sight of him was usually a much wanted comfort, Tav’s lungs froze in their chest.
“My apologies for grabbing you earlier,” Gale started with an apologetic smile, “There was quite a bit of panic.”
Tav tried to process the man’s words, but their whole body was frozen. They felt like they were stuck in glue, and all they could move was their eyes.
“Are you alright?” Gale asked in concern, his brows furrowed together.
Tav wanted to respond, they really did, but it was like they had no control over their own body. Their mouth felt dry and their brain screamed at them to run.
Before they could even process it they had bolted upright and dashed to try to jump out of Gale’s hand. But the human was faster. Before Tav could get away the fingers closed over top of them. They yelped and covered their head with their arms, anticipating the moment he would crush them, but it never came.
“Woah there settle down,” Gale said in a hushed voice, “Are you alright? I apologize if I startled you earlier, but I didn’t want one of the goblins to find you first.”
Tav just shook in his closed fist, anxious to get away from the man. In the back of their head they knew Gale was safe, but at the moment, a much larger part of them felt like a cornered animal facing off against a wolf.
“I…” Gale paused, “I’m sorry, if I scared you. I promise it wasn’t my intention.”
As he said it he slowly opened his hand revealing to the shell-shocked tiny that they were now in the man’s tent. They were carefully placed down on one of the many pillows the wizard kept before the giant man backed away, hands up in reassurance.
“I won’t touch you again,” Gale frowned, “I promise. But I need you to breathe.”
Tav’s breaths still came in panicked gasps as they stared up at the giant man. They retreated back into the soft pillow as much as they could, and waited, eyes piercing into Gale’s own. The wizard seemed lost in thought for a moment as he studied the tiny’s reactions.
“Did I hurt you?” Gale asked after a moment, voice cautious and low.
It took a few seconds for Tav to build up the courage to respond, but when they did their voice was barely audible.
“It was…it was too tight.”
Immediately, Gale’s eyes widened in a flash of recognition. He took a step forward towards the tiny as if to comfort them, but paused when he saw their tiny form freeze.
“I…I’m quite sorry,” Gale mumbled, “I…fuck…I know what’s done is done, but I truly did not intend to bring you any harm…I admit I could have been more cautious but I suppose I wasn’t thinking.”
Tav watched as the man visibly shrunk in on himself; they could see the tightness in his stance like a band ready to snap.
“You can sleep somewhere else tonight,” Gale says again softly after a minute of silence, “You don’t have to stay in my tent, I’d understand.”
Tav took a deep breath as their eyes met the wizard’s. In the back of their mind they realized they had never seen him so upset before.
“No,” Tav responded, barely above a whisper, “It’s…it was an accident. I don’t know why I’m reacting like this I just…it hurt.”
Gale swallowed nervously, his throat bobbing, “And I could never apologize enough for that.”
Tav nodded in response, their movements stiff as their brain finally slowed its constant stream of run, run, run. As the panic wore off, Tav finally started to relax into the pillow under them. Gale really did look devastated.
“I just suppose I forgot,” Tav said slowly, “You all are much larger than me, but I’ve become so used to it I forgot anything could ever go wrong.”
Gale nodded in response with a sigh, “And I forgot you’re much more delicate than you seem.”
An uncomfortable quiet filled the tent as the two both searched for something to say. And although Tav felt much calmer than they had moments before, a deep part of them still feared their giant friend.
“It’s not your fault,” Tav finally managed to get out through dry lips, “You were just trying to help.”
Gale frowned at that as he finally took a step forward to sit down on the ground. Now closer to the tiny’s level, his eyes searched them like he was looking for something.
“But I still hurt you,” Gale said.
Tav grimaced at the man’s words and nodded, “It’s okay, I forgive you just…please be more careful next time.”
Finally a soft smile spread across the giant’s face as he exhaled a long sigh, “You know I was quite hoping there wouldn’t have to be a next time.”
For the first time that night Tav felt themselves relax, truly relax. As much as it had scared them they knew Gale meant what he said. The wizard was still kind, after all.
Tav nodded in response as a yawn escaped their lips, “Well, I’m beat after all that. And you look like shit, so I think it’s bed time.”
Gale laughed softly and shook his head, “Yes I do believe so.”
Carefully, he pulled himself into his sleeping bag, making sure not to jostle the pillow Tav was laying on. His movements were still stiff, like he was nervous the tiny would try to flee again if he moved too fast, but neither chose to say anything about it.
The proximity to the giant felt less comforting than it had in previous nights, but as Gale’s breaths evened out Tav let themselves relax. He wouldn’t hurt them, not on purpose.
And even if they still flinched whenever he shifted in his sleep, in their heart they knew that fact was true.
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Can now confirm the worst song to have stuck in your head while you have a panic attack about everyone in your life leaving you is in fact “The Main Character” by Will Wood
#like hey brain shut the fuck up.#anyway i’m having a moment#it’s not… exactly logical. like there’s no reason to believe everyone will leave me#but also it’s a trend that has been well proven in my life#and now im at a place where i feel loved im just waiting for the other shoe to drop#plus the semester is coming to an end#and im really really scared that when im away from people#they’ll forget about me#and i’ll be alone again#i was fine being alone and then i had to go and fuck it up#and now i want nothing more than to never be alone again#but i know it’s all probably temporary. no matter how much i want them to stay#i always did hold on to things too long. too tightly.#vent
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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I have a lot of mixed feelings about MatPat.
On the one hand, he definitely has a streak of bigotry. The pyro episode really comes to mind on that one, and his refusal to they/them Kris was also not cool, and there have been a lot of other examples here and there.
But he has been getting better. One of his Livestream hosts uses they/them from what I can tell, and I haven't heard any word that he's misgendered them anywhere.
But also, his theories have just been getting lower and lower quality as his channels kinda turned into something one step below a content farm. His Digital Circus theory, for example, he came up with ON GTLive and then just cleaned it up for the episode.
But he was also hosting all four channels. Each channel will have its own host now.
He made a lot of mistakes, but so does everyone.
Am I defending him? I dont know. Do I forgive him? No. Do I honestly care? ...I don't know.
I'm glad he's stepping away. But I'm also gonna miss him.
Like he said in the goodbye video, he was a lot of peoples childhoods. Mine was one of them. He's definitely not the best person nor was he the best influence, but he did help me realize that being a nerd and being passionate are good things. And his passion helped me want to create.
I'm glad he's leaving, but it also feels like my childhood is going with him. One last step towards that all-encompassing 21 in a few months from now.
I'll miss you, Mat. I hope you can continue to grow as a person and support others more in the future. Teach your son what the world failed to teach you when you were younger.
Also read the tags, please, okay Tumblr? Thanks.
#im scared to post this. i know people on here dont like him and i 100% understand why#but i also fear that people assume he can't grow#i may be wrong as ive been staying away from matpat drama but from what ive seen?#mat makes mistakes. then he listens to people when they tell him he fucked up. and he tries to do better.#people forget that hes a person sometimes.#and like i said i could be wrong. there might be evidence out there that hes an evangelical or something#but i havent seen it. i do know about the homophobia and transphobia from the past#but i also know hes apologized and that stuff hasnt really resurfaced#i want him to do better and continue to grow away from the internet#but if im wrong then im wrong.#just please dont harass me for this post okay?#if hes worse than i think he is you can tell me but please dont be mean about it#ive had enough people yelling at me.over this shit recently.#mat if youre SOMEHOW reading this? thanks. your stuff helped me watch to enrich my stories more#give people something to hunt for#you aided my passion#and i wouldnt be who i am today without you man.#so please. keep growing. keep doing better. and i guess i'll see ya when i see ya.#dimond speaks#not maintagging this cuz i dont wanna get killed lol
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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god i just sometimes really wish the things i created brought other ppl the same joy it brings me. i want to give something so happy for them to enjoy, i want them to feel this same wonder i do when creating. why wouldnt you want to share that feeling with other people? do u know how happy i am when i am creating? would you like to?
#i cant ever understand why i want my things to be popular#cuz when i really think about#i hate the idea of being famous#id have so much anxiety and fear of failing to perform and be what ppl want from me#but i want to popular so i can show as many ppl the things that bring me great joy?#but i dont want to be known#i want to be hidden away where i cannot be hurt#but i want to reach out and touch the world so they may feel the sunlight that i have pouring out of my heart#even if i create such dark and scary stories that have pain in them#it makes me happy#surely other people would find happiness in it too?#im still scared of hurting so im mean and like to ruin my own chances#but fucking hell i want to exist for others i want to create something that brings ideas to someones mind and makes them create too#i am sorry i am sharp i was cracked so many times#i just want to learn and grow be good to you all
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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ihope astolfo type striped thigh highs dogboy discord nitro protogen monster energy drink twitter-having anime-vtuber-liking bottombrain ancient greek gay racist and sexist white femboys all kill themselves. i mean thats what im doing but i *looks out window* whatever i do is something different
#not that these people can't get better#but theres this caricature of femininity along with the racism thing that really disgusts and scares me#from a person who is a former eldest daughter in a chinese family#like do you have nothing better to do with your time. can you like#pick up a book instead. or like read the news at all#you dont even have to read the article just look at the headlines#build an understanding of the world you live in that is beyond your ironypoisoned discord tenor gif search#yap#milk hater moment#me backing away so fast when the person im talking to is like this
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Vent: tw: torture in tags
I know that something is wrong. But there's nothing I can do about it right now.
#cheeseburgerboy#it really distresses me. i can't function well not knowing.#i know I know#i sometimes think. what if im wrong.#but i cast it away. because im so scared. i don't know what ill do. but im concerned.#i hate not being able to do much. but being closer may not be a good thing.#i fear everyday. when i comes. i think to myself. what will i do.#will i try really hard and still end up in the same place? will things change? and can they? is it even possible?#im not one to give up on another person. even if im not there. i continuously think about people. it doesnt go away.#i know.#the people ive known will sporadically pop in.#it is stressful.#i fear for my life in a way. worried ill have to suffer it all over again. but prepared to have my life ruined for another person again.#i think about this being my life. sometimes believing in a perfect world i am being tutored. and i am then able to watch myself struggle#like that. but for real this time.#maybe i wouldn't get anything from it. and i shouldn't. but i can't help but feel like im meant to walked over and mistreated. because#how else could you be lifted up. if not for myself being dimmed#i know its loser like. but.
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i hate my stepdad
#i remembered a time when i was like 11 years old & i told my parents about feeling suicidal#my mom was scared so she was really nice to me for a while & i noticed but didnt say anything because why would i#then my stepdad accused me of manipulating her & ''making her cry until she gives you what you want'' which is just complete bullshit#the multiple times he's said i was just ''confused'' about being trans or that i got it from the internet#the fucking. weird anecdotes he gives about how he or his mom beat his son once for wanting to run away#& this is a problem with both him & my mom but they say they want me to talk to them about how i feel but if its anything slightly negative#about them or anything about my transition IM the bad person for bringing it up & i should respect their feelings by being quiet about it#whats worse is that im probably going to have to be dependent on these people for a while & i have no idea what to do
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Skgkfjf my girlfriend helps me so much I love her so so much >_<
Ever since I told her I thought I was autistic, she's done so much research and really paid attention to what I specifically need and idk she just goes so above and beyond everyday. Like the amount she accommodates me is insane- I wish everyone had someone this thoughtful and supportive.
#she tries to help me understand what people mean when its too vague for me#and doesnt pressure me to talk/talks for me when im non verbal#she even gives me at least a day or two notice about any 'surprises' and just generally#shes aware that i cant always handle change and honestly just her noticing is so helpful and makes me feel so loved#like she doesnt think its ridiculous or that i just need to get over it. she treats it like a real problem like it is#idk its just so validating and i feel so loved. i feel like im healing a lot lately but its still so harx#i feel like i dont deserve this. i feel like its going to be ripped away from me when i least expect it#im almost scared its just another cruel joke the world is playing on me to prove how vulnerable and gullible i am yet again#but i think this time is real. i think this time im getting better#and the more i have the things i need and the love i want the more i start to think everyone deserves this#everyone needs this. people need to know how ok they can really be if they just had the things that they need
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#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone#and it’s so god damn annoying#I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it#but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it#Im just on autopilot moving ahead#because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty#and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted#and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t#afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni#and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to —#bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to#BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time#and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along#and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort#also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it#and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking#his only daughter away from him instead of talking’#but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times#I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either#like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do#aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh#also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm#Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now#its making me feel worse than I was expecting#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together#felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said#meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever#I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even
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dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared
#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this#shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this#i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t#know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte#just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human#^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it#and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just#got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is#a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility#i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own#i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry#i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death#is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to#these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave
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absolutely delightful details in how they animated watts. fucking love it
#it maked me uneasy how quickly people accepted his ‘interrogation’ (read: torture) and imprisonment as ‘ok’ just bc hes an asshole#like. yes. this person doesnt care about others lives. but that doesnt mean he gets to be tortured into compliance and beat up by guards#and like YES it isnt spelled out explicitely but its very fuckimg heavily alluded to#except for the abuse in prison thats like. happens ONSCREEN#like. we as viewers SEE the guards knock him out completely unnecessarily and drag off his limp body. thats fucking prison abuse baby!!!!#and of course the torture is implied but like do you guys SEE the way Watts flinches away from ironwood later????#mr. ‘nothing gets under my skin’ mr. ‘im so cool’ mr. ‘im always in control’#when *that guy* is visibly shaken/frightened you KNOW something serious happened#and sure hes quick to take back as much power as he can in the situation. see: being snarky. but he literally had guns to his head#and then he went ahead and betrayed them anyway.#the fucking balls on this guy. like good lord#hes not really snivelly and he doesnt scare easy. so when hes afraid. of someone. you KNOW they did something awful to him#pomodoriwhines#arthur watts#this is like 2 posts in one.#anyway fuck atlas
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