#and i made it long enough that its not gonna cause sensory issues when i wear it!!

[doodlboy]

finished matching set!!

[greyborn2]

So :eyes: is there any fic/masterpost for the BOE Harrow AU?

I kinda made one a while back but I've lost it and it also wasn't the greatest so fuck it just gonna make a new summary of the idea because heck it. Massive spoilers for if I ever end up writing this out as a fic. (For those not in the know this is basically a summary of the big ol idea in my head for a BoE Harrow AU I came up with with a friend and it has possessed me body and soul ever since) SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON - G1deon manages to catch Wake just a little earlier than he does in the regular timeline. He ends up discovering and taking baby Gideon before kicking Wake out the airlock to her death. So Gideon is Kiriona from the get go and raised by John from her baby years. Insufferable Crown Prince to the max. In addition, in this timeline Kiriona is a necromancer as in the Nova AU. - The Rev. Parents still try their 200 soul murder sex gambit. However in this timeline, as with the Nova AU, Harrow has absolutely ZERO ability as a necromancer. When she's about ten all hope is given up that she is just a 'late bloomer'. - The Rev. Parents summon the surviving Ninth and tell them all what they did. That they went all in on their gamble, that they killed the ninth, and that their (in their eyes) failure of a daughter wasn't even a success for all that sacrifice. The Ninth basically erupts into chaos after that with most of them killing each other before the Rev. Parents and their 'side' win. They decide the ninth ends here. The survivors all hang themselves, including child Harrow. - As the ninth chokes its last, one by one, all their constructs start falling apart. One, though - the one made from Wake's bones - is freed enough for her revenant to take over. She walks through the halls of the dying until she finds a choking Harrow near death. On the brink of passing out and utterly delirious, Wake saves Harrow and then slips into the back of her mind as Alecto did in the normal timeline. Biding her time there. - During the chaos of the ninth tearing itself to pieces a shuttle attempting to flee crashed into the prison higher up the shaft. Caused enough damage to give the prisoners there a chance to stage a breakout. - Most of the prisoners just flee, but a small amount (A BoE cell, specifically Ctesiphon Wing) realizes that with everyone on the planet dead and the ninth already being such a backwater that they can just take over and use the place as a secret base within the Dominicus system. Just send out reports now and then to convince the rest of the Empire that it is business as usual. - We Suffer finds Harrow, near death, having been saved from hanging. After having Harrow held in containment for a long while she is eventually released and adopted in all but name by We Suffer. - Harrow grows up under the BoE on the ninth just festering in rage and spite and hatred. For her parents, for the ninth, for the empire, for the emperor undying. Wake squatting in the back of her skull only makes matters worse. She ends up taking the BoE name of Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs of War One True Pop to Lead you in the Summer to Join the Black Parade. Or just Havoc. - Because Harrow has massive sensory issues with having her face bare and nothing will convince me otherwise, but she also doesnt want to paint her face ninth style anymore, she digs through BoE's scattered archives of old earth and finds out about 'the ancient warrior poets - the Juggalos' and takes up their paint for herself. (More in a reblog, ran outta space... damn you tumblr)

[localgardenweed]

Im in a constant war with myself on changing my persona cause i wanna get a haircut this summer cause little fact i have wavy/curly hair and i always struggle to maintain it cause i dont have the energy to brush it when its long and its hard for me to wash it properly cause im stupid as fuck so i wanna chop it Dora style maybe get some form of those curtain bangs of my dreams or like a thin block bang thing going on, o used to have a thick ass full one as a kid but it kept poking my face so we had to cut it. Which also sucks cause I HAVE A SENSITIVE FACE I used to cry if my parents put too much lotion on me at a time i have to be dry, my body is a dessert but my face wants to be soft so we had to do it in layers. For this im and constantly peer reviewed for autism by my autistic friends. Also on my hairline i have “baby” hairs and dude when you meet me irl or hell dig deep enough online or just ya know look thru a few of my tiktoks idk though if its noticeable but MY HAIR LIKE SHOOTS OUT ITS FORMABLE. I dont know how to describe it or hell take care of cause it wont stay down it always dries quick and sticks out after a few hours. The only way to tame it is by soaking it and shaping it cause like i made a Lupin Cosplay and i needed that hair tamed so i soaked it in water and conditioner and curled it around my fingers and let it dry and had to constantly rewet and recurl all day

IF I DONT DO SHIT TO IT I COME HOME FROM SCHOOL LOOKING LIKE THIS

ITS EMBARRASSING ITS AGONIZING ITS SHITTY WHY WHY WHYYYY When i was going into middle school i fully believed i was gonna start getting out right bullied for that but no i got a bit of that up and coming psychological bullying but i was so fucking stupid to notice and usually just didn’t get it or noticed it immediately and just pushed through. Victim of the Oreo Game ✊. Holy shit ive been getting so off track with this post BACK TO THE PERSONA THING. So yeah if i change it i wanna like shop off her hair go Dora Style OR a very tiny itty bitty ponytail. Maybe add more hairclips to her hair cause im getting back into those to calm the demon “baby” hairs, it kinda works it saves me from looking crazy at work but the issue is i weirdly have more hair on one side that the other so they always slip and slide and look uneven at the end of the shift. But in drawings that doesn’t have to happen!!! I like a-lot of star clips cause im a loser and gold cause il a gold gurly idc if it doesn’t make my skin tone or anything I DO WHAT I WANT, i was predestined gold with my earrings i basically popped out the womb with and i will stay gold IMMMA STAY GOLD JOHNNY PONYBOY STAYING GOLD. Also may give a her a new outfit cause shes had a new outfit the persona i have in my intro is a little old cause now she wears jeans and sneakers instead of sweatpants and combat boots which i still wear i live and breathe in sweatpants but my persona doesn’t have as much sensory issues so she gets to wear whatever. I can wear jeans jut not certain ones or i die and kill myself. I wanna experiment and maybe give her seasonal outfits too but idk i just UGHH i need her to be the epitome of swag. SWAGGGG swag.

[outforawalkb1tch]

How to Adult from a neurodiverse perspective. Some tips might also be helpful for anyone with mental illness that makes adulting harder.

It's going to be hard but try to stick to a certain area when cleaning instead zip zooming around doing things here and there. It's going to be a lot more satisfying to have one thing done fully then multiple things partially done.

Go to an area in your home and put away x many things that are in the wrong area.

If I'm having an especially hard time staying on one task I'll either tell myself ok I'm gonna wash the dishes (or whatever task it is for you) for x many more minutes or x many songs before I take a short break.

I try my best to make cleaning tasks more game like like I'm not just picking up dirty laundry off the floor into the basket I'm playing laundry basket ball! Making little games like this for cleaning will help make cleaning fun and something you want to do.

Make sure your breaks are actually short put a timer on your phone if you need to.

If you can't take a shower or bath for whatever reason get two washcloths. Get one washcloth wet and soapy, wash yourself. Get the other washcloth just wet and go over yourself again. I would do this a lot coming home super late from visiting family and my mom would call this a rag bath.

Try your best to fold your clothes out of the dryer to avoid wrinkles so that no matter what your wearing you'll look better put together.

If you struggle with this I suggest getting a clothes steamer its like an iron except theres no ironing board to set up and all that jazz that comes with a regular iron. Just fill this baby up with water and use on your clothes while they're hanging and watch the wrinkles go away.

If your having a hard time washing your clothes all together get a fabric fabreze and spray it on your clothes. This isn't a replacement for washing them but it certainly helps the smell if you're stuggling to get your laundry done. Make sure its fabric though regular fabreze won't help your clothes as well.

If you have delicates that your afraid the dryer might ruin let them air dry by hanging them on the shower curtain rack. Or if you have the room to do so invest in something like this:

Make your bed every day. This is just a good habbit to be in. Along with that make sure to freshen your sheets at least once every 2 months. Having more than one pair of sheets also helps with this because even if you can't get to washing your current sheets you could always just replace them with a different clean sheets and get around to cleaning the other sheets some other time.

Vitamins are great just generally but especially helpful if your sensory issues make it hard to eat certain healthy foods.

When making important phone calls make sure you already have a pen and paper so you can write down things you need to remember on the spot, instead of either scrambling for a pen and paper or thinking you'll remember then forget. Also sometimes it is good to have a bullet point list if you need to remember what exactly to say to this person istead of going uhhh umm and such.

When someone tells you an important date for something write it down right afterwards. Writing it right on the calendar were I can see it works better than using the calendar on my phone for myself as I usually forget about it until the day of if its just on my phone whereas if its on my paper calendar I see it a lot since I check my calendar a lot but this might be opposite for you so do whichever one works better

If you have long hair learn cute hairstyles other than just a messy bun. Its fun to switch it up from braids to pigtails to spacebuns or whatever. I'm putting this as a tip because I have long hair and whenever I am having a bad hair day, my hair is greasy or just do not have the energy to properly do my hair I would always opt for the messy bun. But you know what ? That gets boring and there's no age limit on braids or whatever no matter whatever other people state. Plus imo braids hide greasy hair better than buns.

Remember to clean your skin, but also being to harsh with rubbing your face with the cleaner or picking at your face can actually cause more problems! You want your face to not be too oily but also not too dry.

You can tell if your getting enough water by your pee color if its clear or really light yellow your doing good on keeping yourself hydrated if its yellow or darker you need some more water.

Contrary to popular belief/s coffee and cigarettes are not breakfast, and they cost as much as a real breakfast would. Please eat real food instead of bean and sugar soup and nicotine.

Make a budget, ask for help if needed as budget making can be kinda confusing, but make a budget and stick to it. This one has made my life so much better. Be the "crazy" coupon lady if you need to be to stick to it. Be a stickler with the lights and water if you need to be to stick to it.

Speaking of budget the dollar store and the generic grocery store version of things are your friends. The dollar store is a go to for kitchen stuff, cleaning stuff, snacks, some self grooming stuff, and even some of there frozen food and pantry food is pretty decent. They also have plenty of other stuff so honestly if I need anything I usually check there first before another store. Whatever they don't have that I need I can usually find a generic cheaper brand at the grocery store and most the time its absolutely no different than the big brands!

Buy clothes that fit NOW. Don't waste money on clothes that are smaller for inspiration for losing weight. (Or vice versa if you're trying to gain weight) Its important to have fashionable clothes that fit you at the weight you are now because if you don't you'll be stuck in boring sweats and sad because of it. I know. I've been there.

[crippleprophet]

🌟May I have a moment of your time? I have a question about disability and validity that I'm having trouble with. I've been invited to the volunteer team of my college's PWD club, and I'm concerned about whether it's fair for me to act as a representative. The PWD club explicitly includes mental health conditions anyway and I do have a serious mental health diagnosis, but I want to put that aside for a moment. I would feel self conscious representing the PWD group without a physical or sensory disability, and I'm not sure if it "counts" when my medical team hasn't been able to diagnose the cause of my chronic joint pain and its effects on my ability to walk and lift objects. I'm wondering if it doesn't "count" because I'm still able to walk unaided even if a cane would help me a lot, and I'm still able to work and lift 40lbs with only minor pain. I know that I'm already "qualified" by virtue of my mental health condition, but without knowing if an unknown joint pain and mobility difficulty is "disabled enough" for the offline world, I worry I'd feel fake helping alongside, say, the others on the team, including VI and wheelchair users.

Thank you for reading all that, I appreciate it.

hey, firstly i’m super flattered that you trusted me with this question, & it’s a testament to your character that you’re thinking about these dynamics and want to do right by the folks in your community. i’m gonna be super honest with you out of respect, because i don’t want to dismiss any of the facets you’re already considering, but please know that none of this is to invalidate your experience as a disabled person. the short answer, though, is i think yes, you absolutely “count,” and at least from this brief interaction you sound like exactly the kind of person i’d want representing me 🖤

to expand some on my thoughts:

not having a diagnosis & having an invisible disability do not make you any less disabled. i had undiagnosed joint pain for almost six years up until less than a month ago, and i wasn’t any more disabled on June 28th than i was on June 27th. i was in your position four years ago when i made this blog: invisibly disabled due to undiagnosed joint pain, not using a mobility aid, diagnosed for some (but not all) mental health conditions.

having an invisible disability does affect how you move through the world. most if not all abled people are going to treat you with a baseline assumption of personhood that they do not offer to visibly disabled people. that doesn’t erase the fact that it fucking sucks to know your personhood is contingent on not revealing a major fact about your life to people around you, and it doesn’t change that you experience ableism; i don’t ascribe to notions of “passing privilege” because that doesn’t adequately encompass the nuance of the situation. but you’re correct that you can’t fully understand my experiences and needs as a mobility scooter user—what matters to me is that you aren’t trying to. you wouldn’t be the only disabled person here, you’d be working with blind/VI folks & wheelchair users & other people with different disabilities than your own. as long as you listen to them, don’t assume that you know their needs, and don’t meet them with lateral aggression, you’re fine.

unfortunately, because abled people suck, sometimes it can help to have someone who isn’t visibly disabled there to reinforce our humanity, redirect questions to us rather than about us, and generally be an ally/accomplice. plus, people whose energy isn’t as limited due to their disability (whether usually or just on that day) are so vital because there are many times when i can’t attend an event, etc, to self-advocate.

there’s such a broad spectrum of disability that no one group could ever represent it all, and though we face different variants of discrimination, your experience matters, too. chronic pain and chronic illness have historically been left out of disability studies, an issue that’s being addressed more & more, and i can’t describe how thrilled it makes me every time i see someone with an invisible physical disability aligning themselves with the disability community and/or claiming crip, which is the main thing:

if you are anti-ableist and have a disability consciousness, i want you in the room. i want you in the movement. i want you to represent me, so long as you don’t communicate over me. crip spaces often contain some degree of disdain for able-bodied people with less stigmatized mental illnesses, which is totally understandable & justified when directed at people who think their experiences are the same as mine or qualify them to speak over me, but i would rather have an able-bodied person with anxiety who has actually done the work to learn about issues affecting visibly disabled people (both those like & unlike myself), who believes in collective liberation, who has sources of scholarship from multiply marginalized crip theorists, and who respects me as a person to advocate for me than someone with my exact condition who operates from their personal lived experience alone and who only wants to improve their own conditions.

that’s a long response, and definitely not a comprehensive one, but i hope that helps some! & i wish you all the best with your work 🖤

[letitrainathousandflames]

tw: mentions of dieting, eating disorders and food-related trauma

We talk a lot about diet culture and how dangerous it is to control what kids and teens eat as if their bodies didn’t need a ton of calories to support their growing process and the amount of energy they use daily on schoolwork, playtime, and making their own damn bones grow, and that is a very important discussion.

But right now I want to talk about the dangers of doing the opposite to restraining them from eating – nagging them to eat more, or eat "healthy".

Let me explain. I grew up with undiagnosed autism, and I only got my diagnosis now at 30. Like most people in the spectrum, I had trouble dealing with a wide range of textures and tastes, and I would rather eat the same 3 foods I enjoyed every day than eat something soft and texture-less like mashed potatoes.

My parents made mealtimes a nightmare for me, constantly nagging me to eat the healthy food that I hated despite the fact that every visit to the doctor proved me a healthy kid with zero nutrition issues. They would make me stay at the table long after my brothers were done eating and could go play, forcing me to mull over the food until I cleaned my plate.

Every family gathering would i would ever go to have a "fun" moment where my aunts would ask me if I was “only gonna eat that” or “if I had eaten” or “look how thin you are, you need food”. The one time I snapped at them for that, everyone found it hilarious, a little kid getting all fussy and angry at the wise adults that knew better.

I dreaded mealtimes. I hated sitting the dinner table. I would serve myself a massive cup of juice to help me down the food that I hated so that I would have it in my mouth for as little as possible, like someone downing a particularly large medicine down their throat.

And that is the dangerous bit – when I was around twelve (by 2002), the internet was already quite consolidated, and after going in a rabbit hole of Yahoo searches, I stumbled upon a pro-ana blog, short for “pro-anorexic”: a place where sick people encouraged other people to carry on their eating disorders or even develop them as if they were nothing but a quirky lifestyle, and the possibility of losing weight through it was its own reward. There, I saw tips to pretend to eat but not really eat, and I found that cool – I could finally be left alone from all the nagging, and wouldn’t have to eat the nausea-inducing food people ordered me to!

I can’t believe that I was lucky enough to never have developed an eating disorder. That could have ended very badly for me, but I was too scared of making myself throw up, so I resorted to another trick I read: hiding most of my food under a lettuce leaf and saying I had eaten everything to then rush to the kitchen and empty my plate in the trash before it got inspected.

As I got older, my palate changed some and I have a much wider range of foods now, but I still won’t eat anything mushy. It's a sensory issue. I cannot help it. I never could.

I’m still as healthy as I can be, just as I was as a kid. And I keep thinking about how I was nearly pushed into a lifetime of struggle – eating disorders are very difficult to overcome, just like addictions – because of the alleged need to “be healthy” when I was already healthy. I dodged a bullet because others put me at its aim, and I keep thinking about the mess it could have been.

I don't know if I have a way to close this text but I guess... don't push other people's eating habits, even if they're your kid and you think you know what's best for them. That kind of shit that early in life leaves deep scars and could cause actual harm.

[lemonadebloodsworld]

!! TW: VENT, SH, S*ICIDAL THOUGHTS!!

I'm so tired, I really love my partner more than anything else in the world but I keep messing up. Not even like big mistakes, just a lot of small ones but it never stops, I feel like whatever I do I always hurt them in the smallest ways or upset them. Yesterday they had school but yk he's my favorite person and it's been 3 weeks they started school and with the really different Timezones (I live in Belgium and they live in Texas) well it means that they wake up at 3-4 pm here and then they hang up our call even though they said they would stay on call with me during the day so I wouldn't feel too bad but they actually rarely do it, then they only answer my texts when class are about to start at 5.30 pm and yeah they reply every few hours until 4 am here a lot of the time. And I understand, they have school and they can't always be available but I just wanted to point out that with my bdp it has been so fucking hard to go from calling everyday, all day long at not even being able to text and having to stay awake all night because I can't sleep without them (which is not their fault again). But yeah so yesterday it starts again but this time after they hang up our call in the morning they told me that they will go to school sooner so we could have a lot of time to call and talk etc so I wait and they do call when they arrive at school and I was already crying because I'm clingy and didn't want them to go again but then after like 10 minutes of talking someone comes and they mute for like 30 minutes without even saying goodbye or "I love you" or anything, then they sent me a text saying they're starting class now and can't talk anymore and I know its stupid but it litteraly broke my heart, I spent the entire day trying to know why they did that, maybe I'm too clingy and annoying? Maybe it's because I was crying? Maybe they just don't really care anymore and love me less? I don't know but why would they tell me that we could talk for a long time and then just disappear like that after 10 minutes? What did I do wrong?

Anyways, I learned how to hide it from them when I'm hurt because I feel like I'm hurt for nothing and that it makes me really toxic and manipulative so I just took some space and time to concentrate and then just told them "I feel a little bad, I'm sorry" while I was crying my eyes out and screaming because my heart physically ached. But yeah before all that they said they would call me right when they finish school and so I was waiting and was still really excited that we could have some time together and so at 4 AM they Called once but I was in my bathroom and so I missed the call and like the stupid mess that I am I started to try to call them back but since they wouldn't reply i called them a lot of times because I was too excited and thought they fell asleep or didn't put the sound on but when I stopped, after 20 minutes they sent me texts saying that they were about to answer the call but I called too many times and it made them feel bad and dissociate. I've never felt so fucking stupid and toxic. And yk I don't want to make myself a victim but I was waiting for this call all fucking day and I messed up and they didn't call me at all. It's not the first time this happens. I hate myself so damn much, I just want to dissappear.

And like if it wasn't enough i fell asleep after their texts saying I made them feel bad and that I apologized for being stupid and yk I thought they would call me and wake me up so we could be together but I think i made them too upset and that I was just too much so when I woke up I saw that they didn't try to call me or even text me and once again I started to cry and I called them because it was too much, and they fell asleep while I was crying because they were exhausted. And later in the morning I dropped my phone while sleeping and it hurt their ears really bad because of their sensory issues and once again it happens a lot, I really try to be careful but I always end up making a noise that makes them feel bad. And I understand them, I have sensory issues myself and my ears hurt all the time when we call because their phone makes a loud noise etc but I never told them cause it's gonna make them feel like they're doing something bad while they can't do anything about it and it will upset them and they would mute and never come back.

So yeah, lately I've been feeling really bad and almost relapsed in sh again but then I stop myself and I don't tell them because it would make them upset and worry and when they worry they're cold and don't talk to me and i just really don't want that. I already mess up enough. And I think they getting tired of me, in the begging of us and until some time ago they were always hyping me up or writing me long texts to expose their love to me, they sent me a lot of wholesome memes and they seemed really excited to call me too but now it's just not like that anymore, they barely answer when I send them wholesome memes. I don't know maybe I'm too clingy? Maybe I should give them some space and stop sending memes and long texts a lot? Maybe they're just bored of me now. I understand once again, I'm too much of everything. Too much to care about, too much to worry about, I give too much love and he's maybe suffocating, I complain too much, I ask for too much reassurance too. Maybe they just lost feelings. And that hurts so bad to think about it, I just can't live without them but I also don't want them to be stuck with me if they don't love me that much anymore.

I often try to reassure and tell myself that they maybe just feel bad these times and it's maybe getting hard for them to show their feelings or act like they did before and I would be so fucking selfish if it was the case. They never tell me when they're doing bad, they always just say "tired." or that they're doing okay and just worry about me and on the moment I trust them but then I feel stupid because I know its not true, they would always say that and then vent in their vent account or private story from which he removes me when he says something about his mood or problems (I saw it because he made a mistake once, they vented earlier in the day and then later I messed up and they made a story that was for me to see so I could know I messed up and made them have a panic attack and when I looked at their story again I could see the earlier vent too). I don't understand why they're doing that but at the same time I once had an episode because of what they said while venting to me cause I took it personally like the dumbass I am (they said they had suicidal thoughts and needed me with them rn and when I said that everything would be okay and that I was going to be there with them soon they said that it was too much time because I was supposed to go this year but I had to stop school because of my mental health and now I have to start again). So I suppose that it makes it hard to vent to me or be honest about their feelings.

I'm just useless and I feel like they would be so damn much better without me, i keep messing up and I just can't seem to stop. The whole relationship is almost just that, me hurting them with my shit and then they feel guilty for feeling bad about it and it just makes it worse. But then I just can't live without them. That's selfish but I would not be able to leave them and keep on living, I never told them of course, but yeah.

I hate it there.

[thewriterisalwayswrite]

One More

Summary:  Janus finds himself helping several idiots with their problems, and possibly accidentally falling for them as well.

Pairings: DLAMP

TW: Self-harm, EDs

Word count: 3264

AO3

A/N: I’ve never posted a fic to tumblr before, so let me know if I did something wrong. This is my @sanderssides-secretsanta gift to @count-woelaf. Hope you like it!

The quiet smack that came from the other side of the room as he whipped the script into the wall seemed to reverberate in his ears. Roman sunk slowly down against the wall, allowing his face to fall into his hands. 

This was the part of the theater he didn’t like. The part where he sat alone in the silent auditorium hours after the rest of the cast had left, crushing self-loathing taking over as he slipped out of character. 

Ah, if only his boyfriends were here. They were particularly good at helping him up, which usually involved spoiling him in ways he was confident he didn’t deserve. A smile graced his features at the pleasant memories, but it didn’t really help him now. Virgil, Patton and Logan had long since gone home, and here he was, likely the last person in the building, acting pathetic over nothing. 

He scrubbed at his face as he felt hot tears starting to leak out of his eyes, black makeup coming off on the sleeves of his white shirt. He sighed. Who knew if that would be coming out. 

He reached his arms up in the air, stretching out and letting out a little groan but quickly put them back down upon hearing one of the many doors creak open. He felt blood rush to his face, he was Roman Prince for goodness sake. He wasn’t supposed to be seen like this, crying in an empty theater. 

If it was possible for him to feel even worse, that was achieved when he saw who had opened the door. 

Head of hair and makeup crews for the production, half covered in burn scars, and painfully sarcastic. Roman had never been fond of the kid, and now even less so to have such a vulnerable moment intruded on. 

Roman swiped at his face one more time before donning his persona- Roman Prince. Lead of the show. Confident. Had every right to be sitting alone in the school auditorium at 10:46 PM if he so pleased. The only thing hinting that anything might have been out of the ordinary would be the dark streaks dripping down his face. “Can I help you?”

Janus’s only reaction was to raise one eyebrow. Roman scowled at him. 

Janus had to admit, this was an interaction he had never expected to be having. Roman Prince, so insistent on maintaining his clearly fabricated persona, vulnerable and crying on the ground after school. 

Not that Janus had any room to speak poorly of fabricated personas. 

He looked back at Roman, who was getting to his feet, seemingly a little wobbly. On instinct, Janus took his hand, helping him up. 

His eyes were grey. And they were much lovelier than Janus thought grey eyes had any right to be. Janus was fairly confident that the realization would have turned his face pink if not for the scarring. 

The ugly scarring, not that that was important right now. It did have its uses, though.

Roman shook his head out a little, shaking off the lingering heavy emotion and looking into Janus’s face. 

His eyes were still sad.

Janus sighed, unknowingly accepting responsibility for this boy tonight. “Did you drive here today?”

“Yes.”

Janus frowned. “Let me take you to your boyfriend’s house. You look like maybe you could use it, and you probably shouldn't be driving. You look wiped.”

Roman puffed up his chest, opening his mouth to argue before he deflated and nodded. 

Janus gave a soft smile. “Excellent. Which house did you want me to take you to?”

“Virgil?”

Janus cringed. He had… history with that boy, but he nodded. This was about Roman. He put a hand around the other’s shoulders, taking him out to the car.

When they’d arrived, Roman offered a quiet thank you, which rather surprised Janus. He felt he could count the number of times Roman had said thank you or apologized on one hand, but maybe he just… hadn’t been listening. Hadn’t been looking. 

Maybe he’d never really seen Roman before.

But then Roman closed the door, offering a little wave, and the illusion was shattered.

---

“Any particular reason our resident nerd is skipping lunch for the fourth time this week?”

Logan sighed as he turned his head away from his laptop and towards the boy who’d just slid into a seat next to him. “I have to finish this project. I would appreciate it if you could refrain from bothering me.”

Janus let out a faux-offended gasp, cementing in Logan the knowledge that his request would go unfulfilled. He sighed in annoyance as Janus tugged lightly at a few of his long braids, before spinning to face him. 

His hair is pretty.

Janus quickly banished the unwelcome thought, confused as to why he’d think something like that in the first place, but was quickly pulled back into reality by Logan’s smooth, deep voice. 

“Can I do something for you?”

“Yes. You can eat.”

“I’m not hungry. Besides, I am extremely busy.”

“That’s what you told your boys, huh? And they believed you?”

“Naturally. In our relationship, we share something called respect for boundaries. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.”

Most would have been put off by Logan’s icy tone, but Janus just ignored it and continued. Though if you asked him, he hardly could have said why. He had no reason to care whether Logan Sanders ate lunch, whether his jeans continued to get loose or if his boyfriends knew and were helping. But for some odd reason, his brain was insisting he step in. 

Logan didn’t seem to be in the stage of even realizing that a problem existed yet, but fortunately Janus had a solution. He reached into his bag, producing a plastic water bottle, which he handed off to Logan. 

Logan took it, eyed it for a moment, considering, then removed the cap and downed over half before setting it back down, raking his fingernails over the smooth plastic. 

Ah. That made sense. 

“Bad sensory day?”

There was a moment of silence, and he wondered if he’d lost Logan before he heard a soft, “It’s hard.”

Janus sighed in relief. At least he had somewhere to go if he knew the cause of the issue. “And what are your safe foods?”

Logan looked surprised for a moment that Janus knew to ask such a question, before giving a hesitant answer. “Plain noodles. Bread.” 

“Excellent.”

He opened his phone, finding the nearest place to get plain noodles and placing an order. “There, so I did that, I’m gonna go get it for you. Sit tight.”

Logan froze. “That’s… hardly necessary, Janus. I don’t expect that of you.”

“I know,” he answered, standing and leaving before Logan could try to persuade him not to. 

When he returned, noodles in hand, Logan was looking back at his computer, if not with the same intensity as before. Janus looked over his shoulder, making sure everything was saved before shutting the laptop. 

“There. Food,” he informed him, setting the hot container in Logan’s lap. Logan looked at it. 

“How much?”

“You’re not paying me back. You’re not even thinking about it. Because you’re going to put that down your throat right the fuck now.”

Logan didn’t need to be told twice, and Janus soon had a satisfied smirk on his face from how quickly Logan was eating. It barely took a few minutes for him to finish, and Janus took the plastic box, tossing it in the nearest trash. 

“And that was your first meal in how long?”

“Three days.”

“Let me rephrase. That was your first real meal in how long?”

Logan looked down, uncomfortable, before mumbling, “Nearly two weeks.”

“Mhm.”

He placed the water bottle back into Logan’s hand, who looked surprised to see it before finishing the rest and setting it down. 

Satisfied, Janus watched as Logan spun the ring on his finger, looking a little out of it. He supposed that was fine. Logan spent far too much time doing far too many things, it would be good for the guy to zone out once or twice. 

They sat in a comfortable silence until the bell rang, and Janus offered a hand, walking Logan to his next class. 

So what if that made him late for his?

---

Patton let out a quiet sigh as he poked at his left wrist, swollen red lines protesting the motion. He pulled his sleeve a bit farther up, baring more marks and noting and appreciating how the bright color looked in contrast to his pale skin. 

He smiled softly as he scratched at the scabs, opening them up a bit and getting his hands just a little sticky. He let out a gentle sigh as he leaned against the wall, once again lazily checking if there were any people nearby. He didn’t notice anyone, so he took the clear to reach into his pocket for the blade he’d stowed there. 

He couldn’t press too hard, after all, he was just standing in the cool morning air before going into the school building for class, leaning against the cold, rough brick. But he did slowly move it over his wrist, tracing patterns that just barely broke the skin, only the barest amount of blood beading up. They would still scab up, which was all he really needed. 

All he really needed was to see the red lines, put there by himself. Because he controlled what happened to his body. It was his. At least it should have been, and this was him taking it back. 

He allowed his thoughts to wander as he carved in the haphazard swirls. This was a temporary habit. Soon, his body would do what he wanted it to, it would be up to him, and he wouldn’t have to take back autonomy with blades and lighters anymore. Someday, he’d get hormones and even surgery, and he’d just live his life without thinking about throwing himself off a high place every time his binder shifted. 

Speak of the devil. He shrugged his shoulders, adjusting the restrictive fabric. It was good enough, he supposed. Kept him off the edge of suicide. 

He banished the thought from his mind, humming a calming tune as he continued to slice up his forearm. 

He should have told his boyfriends, he knew. They knew he self-harmed, and they knew he was trans, but he had a hard time telling them when he had an episode. The way Virgil would panic and demand to see, the way Logan would go cold and lecture him, the way Roman would tear up, lose his big, comforting presence and just look scared. 

He didn’t like seeing them like that, and he especially didn’t like when it was his fault. So he didn’t tell them when he did it. 

He was zoning out most of his surroundings, focusing on the sting, when he felt a light touch on his shoulder that made him jump. 

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” came a familiar buttery-smooth voice whose tone said that he didn’t care if he startled him or not. Patton sighed, dropping the blade into his pocket and dragging his sleeves down to his wrists. 

He used to be scared of Janus, a fact he wasn’t proud of. He was so aloof, like Virgil but… more so. And horrible as he knew it was, the scarring had put him off in the past. 

Fortunately, he knew better now. He no longer did a double take upon seeing his face, and once, he’d even stared at him and noted that he was- he was really lovely. 

But that didn’t matter right now.

One of Janus’s hands, clad in fingerless gloves, carefully took Patton’s hand in his, pulling the sleeve back once again. 

Patton thought briefly about stopping him, but honestly, why bother? Janus already knew, and besides, his touch was so gentle. 

Patton barely knew what was happening before something wet, cold and painful was being dragged across his arm. He let out a pitiful whimper as he pulled it back and looked up at Janus, who rolled his eyes and grabbed his arm a little more roughly. 

“It’s just an alcohol wipe. You didn’t cut too deep, but infections are never fun.”

“Oh.” Patton felt his face heat up a little from embarrassment, of what he wasn’t certain. Janus was quickly finished, though, tossing the wipe and pulling his sleeve back down over the evidence. He glanced at his phone, noting that they still had nearly fifteen minutes before the bell. 

Janus allowed a moment of silence before asking, “Do your boys know?”

Patton shrugged. “I mean, they technically know that it’s a thing that happens, but…” He trailed off, but Janus understood. 

“I see. And why don’t they?”

“Makes me uncomfortable.”

“Ah.”

Janus allowed them to fall into silence once more, before placing his hand on Patton’s shoulder again. “All they want is to help you.”

For a second he wasn’t sure Patton was going to respond at all, before he heard a faint, “I know.” He was staring intently at the ground. 

Janus had always been good at gauging situations, and this was no exception. He slowly snaked an arm around Patton’s shoulders, who let out a soft sigh. 

Janus carefully adjusted his voice to sound softer. More comforting. “Would it help if I told them for you?”

Patton didn’t look up, but he nodded. 

“Good. That’s very good, Patton. I’m proud of you.” 

Ugh. He cringed at his own words. When had he become so soft for these four? Wasn’t he supposed to be ‘cool’, or something along those lines? Hardened, at least. 

He discreetly pulled out his phone, shooting a message to the other three boys, the ones he’d grown too fond of for his own good. 

The responses were immediate, and upon being informed of their location, he carefully led Patton away. It was early in the morning, but Patton looked so, so drained.

It wasn’t long before he reached them. Roman and Logan, and thank goodness, no Virgil. Virgil was not fond of him. The two that were there looked really concerned. 

Janus, surprisingly enough, found himself reluctant to hand off Patton. 

Damn it. I’ve grown protective. 

Then again, it was practically impossible to see Patton vulnerable and not become attached and fiercely protective. No wonder he was dating three amazing guys. 

Janus assured himself that Patton had what he needed, and in an amazing show of self-control, gave Patton a gentle push towards the other two. 

He quickly latched onto Roman, already crying softly. Janus watched as Roman rubbed Patton’s back and stroked his fingers through his hair. He knew he shouldn’t be watching, that he should go, but Roman lifted his head and mouthed, “Thank you.”

Janus felt heat creeping into his cheeks, so he offered a signature finger-wave and turned on his heel, only to realize after he was out of their sight that his class was on the other side of the school. 

---

Virgil sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he finally exited the school building, blinking in confusion upon finding it dark. He hadn’t been that long, had he? Only had to retake an exam he’d done poorly on, and though algebra wasn’t his best subject, he’d thought he shouldn’t need more than an hour or two. 

He opened up his phone, obviously the first people he messaged were his boyfriends. He didn’t have a ride, and his father wouldn’t come for him this late.

Unfortunately, they weren’t available. Any of them. Unfortunate, but not the end of the world. He could always try Remy. 

Who was busy. 

Or Emile.

Who didn’t reply. 

He didn’t like Roman’s brother, but he was running out of options. Unfortunately, Remus couldn’t come either. 

Virgil glared angrily at his screen as he realized who he needed to ask. 

Slowly, he managed to convince himself to send a concise text. He had an answer not two minutes later.

“I’ll be there.”

He sighed, whether in relief or in fear he wasn’t certain.

The car pulled up shortly after, and Virgil let himself in. Janus drove away quickly, seemingly as ready as Virgil was for this drive to be over. 

They sat in a painful silence for a few minutes, Janus breaking it before immediately cringing at himself. 

“I like the purple.”

Virgil’s hand automatically moved to his hair, as he touched the newly dyed locks. “Thanks.”

The two lapsed back into silence. 

“Left here, right?”

“Yep.”

Virgil was a little surprised that Janus still remembered the drive. It had been awhile. 

They waited again, the quiet deafening. Janus finally pulled up to Virgil’s driveway, waiting for him to get out.

Virgil hesitated. 

“I missed you.”

Janus’s head snapped towards, Virgil, confusion and terrified hope. 

“It was a long time ago. I don’t hate you. Thanks for the ride.” he quickly got out, the breath of cold air assaulting Janus, but he ignored it as the door clicked shut.

Janus did not drive away for a very long time. 

---

It was Logan who reached out to him first. 

It had been a few days since his last interaction with any of the four, but oddly enough, Logan invited him to lunch.

He had half a mind to decline. Show them how much he cared. He didn’t want to sit through an awkward lunch, fifth-wheeling to boys he didn’t want to admit he cared for. 

Of course, his fingers did not listen and he ended up replying with an acceptance. 

Damn his fingers. Always knowing his true intentions. 

He frowned at the building, the restaurant he was meant to be meeting them in. 

His hands had never been this clammy before. Even when shamelessly flirting, he was usually able to keep his composure. But something about Logan, Roman, Patton and Virgil had him nervous. 

He finally managed to exit his car, entering the building and finding them, sliding into a seat. They were all already there. He gave a little wave. His face was burning, but at least they couldn’t see it. 

Roman gave him a big smile, one that looked more nervous than Janus had ever seen it, and Logan and Patton both offered a greeting. Then Logan asked some superficial question, and they fell into small talk. Which, oddly enough, Janus didn’t feel excluded from. This, oddly enough, didn’t at all feel like intruding on a relationship. Confusing.

His confusion was resolved several minutes later when Patton coughed and nudged Logan expectantly, who turned to Janus. 

Janus didn’t think he’d ever seen Logan look anxious before, but he did. They all did, and it was scaring him. 

“We, um- we had something to ask you.”

Janus nodded. 

“You wanna date us?”

The slightly more brash question came from Roman. Of course. 

Janus froze. “I, um, I…” His hand flew up to the scarred side of his face, almost on reflex. Patton gave a soft smile, placing his hand over Janus’s. 

“We like you, J. A lot. Every part of you. So what do you say?”

“I…” This had to be the first time he’d lost his perfectly constructed composure.

The answer was on the tip of his tongue. He glanced over at Virgil.

Virgil gave a tiny nod, and that was it. 

Janus frantically wiped at the tears that seemed to be coming without his permission as he nodded his head. 

“Yes, I...yes.”

When he looked back up at them, they were all smiling at him like he’d hung the stars.

[mhaccunoval]

i finallyyyy finished the explanations for my tlb playlistttt so come get yall juice

if you haven’t already seen my first (official) post about this silly little playlist then you are still in luck !!! here is the spotify and the youtube links !!! oh yeah also all of the songs are in chronological order (maybe not by month but definitely by year) because i had to be organized like that sbjhshsjbs

———

❥ title

i mean. there isn’t much to explain about it but sbjshbsjhs it’s based on sam’s line “you’re a creature of the night, michael!” of course but i made it plural because this playlist is sort of a. general boys / movie playlist, if that makes sense??? but yeahhhh they’re all littol creechers who love the night >:o]

———

❥ paint it, black — the rolling stones

so !!! i was kind of trying to relate it to the boys vampirism and. love of black clothes sbhsjbshjs but no. similar to the title, they. literally live in darkness because of not being able to go into the sun and because of the few lights in the lair but there’s also a sort of duality where being vampires in an internal darkness??? like. each of the boys takes heavy advantage of the benefits of being undead but i can’t imagine it’s without its faults outside of the lack of sunlight and such. i’m sure there’s a kind of uh. monster complex that follows it, especially with the way outsiders view them, which certainly fits with the song’s vibe of being washed with this sort of sensory overload to color and earning weird looks for it

———

❥ riders on the storm — the doors

first of all, there’s a giant ass jim morrison poster in the lair therefore the boys definitely listen to the doors (if not idolize jim) so jot that down. but also !!! it has very Them vibes !!! i think the storm effects definitely relate to boys in how storms create a darkness that is soothing in its own way, and comes on strong, just like the boys’ presence. and. technically they Are killers on the road that Will kill a sweet family sbhjsbshjsb but no most of all the !!! “into this house we’re born // into this world we’re thrown” and !!! the found family that the boys have going. like, if you look at. vampirism as the house they have LITERALLY been born into it and been thrown into a whole new world, depending on each other for comfort and pleasure !!! oh also. they ride motorcycles so they’re also literal riders sbhjsbshjs (fun fact, according to genius lyrics: apparently it was the last song jim recorded before he died a few weeks later 😳)

———

❥ love her madly — the doors

whole jim morrison poster and listening to the doors reasoning is sustained. HOWEVER for the rest of reasoning… perhaps it’s more straight up 95060 than anything but sbhsjbsshj the whole woman walking in and out of the audience’s life is very symbolic of michael being in and out with the boys, never really deciding whether he wants to fully join them and straining. all of his relationships with that indecision and sitting on the picket fence (those who sit on the picket fence are impaled by it). although, it could also be partly symbolic of that indecision, as he does find Some charm in the boys’ lifestyle and keeps finding himself drawn back enough to even consider partaking in it. also, if you wanna go the parko route, paul loves marko madly enough to go after the frog bros personally for killing him <3

———

❥ walk this way — aerosmith

i am. blanking on how to tie it in other than being on the movie’s soundtrack (yes i avoided it and people are strange until the very end of making the playlist, but one of the evils got me clearly— have always ADORED people are strange though). but. i guess you can make the case that the song is full of innuendos and some scenes, like the feeding scene, are lowkey horny sbsjhbshjsbs and YES it’s the aerosmith version instead of the run dmc one because. i prefer this one and it’s my silly little playlist <3

———

❥ the boys are back in town — thin lizzy

technically the boys never Left town but !!! *christopher walken voice* Boys !!! them cast ARE crazy and they’re ALWAYS dressed to kill, ready to spill some blood and pick a fight !!! yeah no it’s just a very fun song that i think really works to. represent their crazy lifestyle and infamy around town due to causing trouble !!! and you can almost say that in this scenario star is the girl who used to dance a lot and slapped the shit out of someone <3 just girlboss moments <3

———

❥ xanadu — rush

hehehe… this started as the. desire to add more rush to the playlist for my own amusement but the more times i listen to it, the more i’m like “!!! it actually fits”… like. xanadu here is meant to a sort of utopia that’s long searched for, partly BECAUSE of the promise of immortality which !!! the boys have (unless. harmed in one of the ways at the end of the movie) because of their vampirism. like even if we don’t know the exact reasons they got turned, they all still, mostly indirectly probably, sought out that same principle. And the dining on honeydew and drinking the milk of ‘paradise’ is similar to their thrill-seeking tendencies and general enjoyment of being unable to die, leaving them to enjoy their undead lives to the fullest. not to mention, in [b part 2] (as genius refers to it) there’s talk of many, many years passing and waiting for the world to end, which we know there’s been quite a few years in between the boys getting turned and the movie, as well as i’m sure they sit back and wait on Some apocalypse, if not just to watch the world burn. in writing this, i’ve ALSO realized how it can be considered very Michael; he didn’t exactly seek this life out but he found it and indulged, only to be that “mad immortal man” towards the end of the song

———

❥ runnin’ with the devil — van halen

i just van halen is neat sbjshbsjsh and would definitely be something the boys would actually listen to hsjbshjsb i don’t Necessarily think vampires are in any way tied to the devil but. here it’d be more like a metaphor of “taking a walk on the wild side” if you wanna call it that; also, they all truly live their lives like there’s no tomorrow (not that they have to worry about death until the very end), have stolen a lot of things just to get by (probably in life AND death), don’t bode well with the ‘simple’ life (likely including the idea of a nuclear family like max proposed) because of it’s lack of pleasures, and don’t exactly have any “love [that] you’d call real” unless you read into the subtext 

———

❥ hot blooded — foreigner

originally this was going to be another joke about the. lowkey horniness of the boys and the movie as a whole but i’ve realized in writing these explanations thus far and rereading the lyrics that it’s. it’s just michael-centric sbshjsbsh sam is “at the mercy of his sex glands” and so is the audience of both the movie and the song sbhsjbshsj like. michael finds himself attracted to star immediately and tries for two secret rendezvouses, with only one working, and. can be said that he also finds a fever running within him when he’s around david and the boys sbhjsbshjs i just 🙈

———

❥ renegade — styx

renegade is my favorite styx song so i just said “fuck it” and added it sbshjsbshj but !!! you can say that, again, the boys live their lives on the wild side and. probably commit enough crimes to warrant dozens of sentences, some that would lead to death row (like, ya know, the. manslaughter) but they manage to get away unscathed. And the law man serving as an allegory to all of the people, including the frogs and grandpa, that want them dead for being vampires, with the bounty to be rewarded being the ridding of their trouble from santa carla

———

❥ big shot — billy joel

mikey :o) … ok yeah he isn’t the. silver spoon in hand (nose) type but he’s LITERALLY the type to open his mouth and get himself deep in enough shit that a fight breaks out, potentially bloodied his eyes, nose, and/or fists. i don’t have much of an explanation outside of he is a himbo jock who pulled a “i didn’t know how to talk to my crush so i wrote a note telling them to get out of my school” except he said it with his fist instead of his mouth sbjshbshsj

———

❥ boys don’t cry — the cure

pretty sure this is one of the ones i stole off of shovel (@/iswearimavamp) sbshjbshjs but i do love this song in a general sense too. in regards to the movie, like. none of the guys. obsess over masculinity or anything— and both david AND michael cry at different points— so that’s not necessarily an issue. but, there *is* still a lot of hurt and stepping on toes in many of the relationships in the film that can be stretched to fit, i would think sbjhsbshjs

———

❥ highway to hell — ac/dc

this and back in black were some of the last two i put on here because i. wanted to make an ‘even’ 35 sbsjhsbshjs BUT, like with runnin’ with the devil, it’s about a devilish lack of care for one’s own life or the “status of their soul” and just doing what feels right or like the most fun, no matter if it lands them in hell or not. and !!! “my friends are gonna be there too” fits with the friendship within the boys’ found family and how they’ll all always be together, no matter what !!!

———

❥ back in black — ac/dc 

i can’t really think of an explanation that differs from highway to hell so just reread the above sbsjhsbsh

———

❥ witch hunt — rush

OK !!! this is the song i’m the MOST excited to explain !!! right off the bat, moving pictures as a whole is an IMMACULATE album, absolutely love it. right so !!! this song literally SOUNDS like it belongs on the movie soundtrack; it has the same overtones and sounds as cry little sister and it’s just !!! and with the title, a witch hunt is BASICALLY what sam + the frogs went on in search of the lose boys, relying on little else but hearsay and catching glimpses at what was happening to michael, “confident that their ways are best” and moving along like a mob of three to get to the bottom of it. “features distorted in the flickering light // faces are twisted and grotesque” is very reminiscent of the faces the lost boys pull when they’re about to attack, and “they say there are strangers who threaten us” is symbolic of them being outsiders/outcasts that make everyone uncomfortable, even if You aren’t going to be their next victim. “the righteous rise with burning eyes” AND “quick to judge, quick to anger // slow to understand // ignorance and prejudice // and fear walk hand in hand” can apply to any number of characters, particularly the mains who are all pitted against each other, the humans fighting for their lives and the vampires fighting for their Right to live, neither taking into consideration the other’s perspective. i just… ADORE this song…

———

❥ red barchetta — rush 

this one was mainly just because of the car that grandpa keeps in the barn and both sam and michael’s fascination with it sbhjsbsshj and just to get more rush on here shjsbshjsbsh

———

❥ maneater — hall & oates

one of the first songs to hit the playlist !!! because the boys eat people !!! they’re the lean and hungry type that only come out at night !!! they’ll be sitting with you but their eyes are on the door and if you want love from them, you won’t get very far !!! the beauty IS there but there are beasts inside that can rip your world apart !!! they’ll chew you up but also leave you begging for more :o)

———

❥ hungry like the wolf — duran duran

the second song to have gone on the playlist !!! the boys are always on the prowl for fresh meat (in both the food AND turning senses) and they come alive while on the hunt, blood no doubt rushing through their veins (assuming it still can) !!! and in the movie, michael is the one they’re after for the turning connotation, all wanting a taste of him for themselves !!!

———

❥ subdivisions — rush

this rush song actually went on before the others shbsjsbshj but !!! it still fits just as well (certainly better than red barchetta)… the movie all takes place on the fringes of the city, “in between the bright lights // and the far unlit unknown”, and while it’s not exactly in the suburbs, there’s still little comfort to soothe the restless dreams of youth. there IS a drawing like moths into the city, for both the emersons and the lost boys, which is what ends up bringing all of them together, although it starts are cruising for action just to feel the living night. and just !!! NOBODY fits in !!! if you take the movie title as them being Lost instead of an allusion to peter pan, then you get slapped with thinking about what actually makes them lost and how they don’t conform in any way, shape, or form to just about. anything. and !!! the emersons are new, which immediately puts them at a social disadvantage, but they Also don’t seem too terribly great at making new friends in general so !!! “nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone”!!! 

———

❥ abracadabra — steve miller band 

i just love this song for whatever reason. and i think the allusion to magic to very fitting for the hallucinations that david gives michael, putting a sort of magic spell on him if you want to look at it that way. not a lot of silk and satin going gone but plenty of leather and probably some lace in there somewhere ( ;o] ) … also michael DOES heat up like a burnin’ flame whenever his name is called and the situation with the boys just keeps going round and round with no exact end in sight, only the calling of desire 

———

❥ separate ways (worlds apart) — journey

you would think i would have more journey on here ??? because i love them ??? but instead i stole this off of shovel too ??? it’s fine. time to be back on the 95060 bullshit sbsjhbsjhs we all know david Really wants michael to join them but. michael is reluctant, so that hesitance sets them worlds apart from each other— as if they weren’t already— and there’s still love between them, or at least the bgeinning sparks of it, even if michael refuses to act on them and only keeps pushing david away 

———

❥ cum on feel the noize — quiet riot

just some boys loving to party <3 some boys with evil yet dirty minds, out of time singing, funny faces, and that have a lazy time <3 yeah no this is one they’d rock out to and someone would probably pull a muscle over because it’s just such a banger sbshjsbsjh

———

❥ rebel yell — billy idol 

Another stolen off of shovel sbjhsbsjhs also ever since it’s been pointed out to me that david looks like billy idol i’ve just been losing it a little sbhjsbshjs Anyway. they’d definitely idolize him to some degree, even if just for looks, and it certainly fits the way that they. most Definitely let out a rebel yell at the midnight hour if you know what i mean— *taken out by a sniper*

———

❥ every breath you take — the police

would to believe to know i took it from shovel (i swear the last three where i say that will be rock you like a hurricane, livin’ on a prayer, and cherry pie sbshjsbsh) BUT !!! the watching every move is yet another. david keeping watch over michael and uh yearning from afar moment, heart aching the longer he’s away and the longer he keeps up this game of not knowing what exactly he wants to do 

———

❥ handsome devil — the smiths

ok THIS one was lent to me by ej (@/maybe-strawberry-blue) sbshjbshjsbs and let me tell you. this song (especially when paired with this charming man) is Very homoerotic, aka perfect for this movie shbjsbshjsbs like what got me first was “let me get my hands // on your mammary glands” and just. thinking about trans parko sbhsjbshjs but also in general the. “and i would like to give you // what i think you’re asking for” and “a boy in the bush // is worth two in the hand” and just sbhjsbshjs Everything. fits the ambiguous homoeroticism. And i think the boys would listen to the smiths (will elaborate more in the other smiths song explanation)

———

❥ panama — van halen

i Told you all i think van halen is neat sbsjsshjb what can i say. the boys like fast moving vehicles, hard partying, and tender loving sbsjhsbhsj also forgot to mention that i think they’d all be :eyes: about pre-1985 david lee roth and i cannot blame

———

❥ rock you like hurricane — scorpions

third to last shovel snatch sbshjsbh Here you can replace any one of the boys with the animals mentioned, as they’re always hungry and need to feed… they come out scratching and ready to win, willing to rock anyone who gets in their way like a hurricane— including with lust, depending on the situation 

———

❥ livin’ on a prayer — bon jovi

i actually can’t even manage an explanation for this one either just because of the song’s plot and how greatly it differs the movie plot <3 however it will stay because shovel said one of the boys (i forget which) would listen to it and friendship is more powerful than my small brain <3

———

❥ the queen is dead — the smiths

rightttt so here’s the deal, buds and duds. something in my gut just tells me that david would pull a me and. listen to this entire album on repeat, particularly bigmouth strikes again and i know it’s over when in dramatics bshjsbsjh BUT to make a case for the title track itself, breaking into buckingham palce— or really any major building— with only a sponge and rusty wrench would ABSOLUTELY be an endeavor the boys would get up to And they’d all pale (worse than normal) about finding out they’re the descendant of some royal. “oh, has the world changed, or have i changed” and “life is very long, when you’re lonely” is quite fitting of their immortality, which i can only imagine would leave them questioning how the world has evolved and, although they have each other, i’m sure living forever still can get a Little lonely. And they’d certainly celebrate the death of a royal (because anarchy <3). mostly i’ve just been listening to this song on repeat for days sbhjsbshj but, i think it’s the most. generally related to all of the boys, whereas like. cemetry gates would be more solely 95060 

———

❥ need you tonight — inxs

my favorite inxs song… technically the 21st century Wasn’t yesterday when the movie came out nor when the song did sbhjsbshjs but there *is* a lot of sweating from desire and aiming to put that passion into use, very blatantly letting everyone know that sbjhsbshjs

———

❥ bad medicine — bon jovi

there’s just something so fun about this song… and while listening to it on the drive home, i was thinking about it from a 95060 perspective where. david’s a bit lovesick (hence the love like bad medicine) and the choir of voices in the bg, saying “that’s what you get for falling in love”, would be the other boys knowing he’s gotten himself in over his head over what was supposed to be a minor tease or a small fling (would be a real fun and poppy animatic i think)

———

❥ pour some sugar on me — def leppard

legitimately this started as a “haha what about my ‘what if the blood was kool-aid instead’ joke” and then i realized it was. a fair enough fit, especially with the feeding scene. except they’re actual vamps not just video vamps sbjhsbshjs anyway. sugar highs and red hot flames of passion for one another <3

———

❥ cherry pie — warrant

ok THIS is the last song i took from shovel and. my reasoning is pretty much the same as pour some sugar on me and. Friendship

———

❥ somebody told me — the killers

i wasn’t going to add any modern songs but. i thought it’d be funny if michael had had a girlfriend before leaving phoenix that looked a bit like david sbshjsbshj and then it only just added to angst sbhjsbshj

———

❥ you know what they do to guys like us in prison — mcr

i was reminded that vampires will never hurt you exists but. i went with my favorite mcr song instead because. vwnhy is more like ??? a vampire that fears themselves ??? so like. an edward cullen type ??? while ykwtdtgluip is more about the homoeroticism and community ??? i said what i said

———

❥ house of wolves — mcr

thank god this is the last song because i’m getting tired sbjshsjshb a little less homoeroticism, a little more general sinning and egotism <3

[mokkemusic]

Dana! Yes you are 100% a writer and should acknowledge you are. <33 And since you *are* a writer, I am going to ask you some stuff off the writer game thing. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Can I please ask 1, 17, 20 21 & 25 <3

ABBEY!!!<3<3

Aww Ok I am I am I should and I am learning to do that more cause I realized everything I do notes and what not is writing! It’s me creating with words regardless of its finished or not. So I am gonna try to acknowledge what I am proud of more just a little bit. Maybe reblog some old stuff I AM A WRITER DAMMIT - too much? lol 

As for the ask now ;) 

1)Do you listen to music when you write? Nope never. I have pretty bad sensory issues tbh so even when I’m reading someone else’s fic I’m so slow and it takes me a really long time cause I need to make sure there’s no background noise around me. Which is hard to do unless it’s a specific time in the morning or late at night but if I don’t feel up to it I lose that opportunity. So it’s a bit of a struggle for me. If I didn’t have such sensory issues I would be able to read and write a lot more I think ❤️ But usually what inspires me to write a specific scene before I write it is listening to music FIRST. Then If insp comes to me I’ll pause the music, pull up my notes app on my phone and let insp take over even if it’s only for a moment so I don’t forget. That happens a lot in the middle of a song. 17)What writing habits or rituals do you have? Actually one of them I just said in the first answer about pausing my music but also... I’ll usually work on something to de stress like a jigsaw puzzle. I’ll have my phone next to me and if I feel like I’m starting to come up with character dialog I will hit record on my voice memos and just act out the lines of the characters and voice record it. I will act it out too because when I type it later I want to make sure I feel those same emotions and inflections on how the character was speaking in my head when I spoke it the first time. I want to try to get as much of that in words as I can. It’s a very strange process but I am a VA so it’s more how I tell story. It’s so natural for me to do it that way cause I’m very auditory and if I have specific dialog sometimes typing it takes too long and I lose myself in focusing on the typing rather then the scene I visualized so well in my head. So yea that’s probably one of the “you don’t hear that everyday” processes I have to get an original draft. But I will confess my dialogue ones that I have done with this method I have never posted yet. It’s a very different style then what I call my “sensory imagery” one. But maybe I will post some of those in the future. They are not fancy but I do feel my dialog is on point. I do. I can say that with confidence. ❤️ 20)How many WIPs and story ideas do you have? Well way way more then I have posted that’s for sure lol. Let me think... I’m gonna be vague about this but not for the reasons you think 😂 It’s not like “oh well I don’t want everyone to steal my idea” no lol. It’s cause if I say exactly what it is I’ll wind up putting pressure on myself and jinx myself - I’m kinda weirdly superstitious and when my brain starts thinking that way that’s it, I’m done I’m frozen. I could never do zines. I’d die if I had deadlines. I’m not being over dramatic. Anyway I’ll tease you 1)There’s this one oof a bit OC heavy but it will make it hurt more trust me 2)My dream fic. 🥺 I need more practice it’s intimidating to me just by it being something I have wanted to see for months and months now 3)Only for you Hope lol @thehopeelias 4)I HAVE to do this. If I never see this I’ll cry. 5)Maybe eventually it’s not top priority That made no sense I know but it’s fun to tease lol 21)Who is/are your favorite character(s) to write? Ok this is different then my favorite characters but probably picture perfect Amane and Aoi. Aoi was really fun for me to write but cause I have only posted introspective pieces so far it’s cause it was so much fun trying to get inside her head. I also really love writing Tsukasa. (Broken speech patterns and manic mannerisms) and Nene. 25)Favorite part of writing. CONCEPTS! CONCEPTS! CONCEPTS! I write things and have that motivation to make notes if I have a unique enough concept I really REALLY love. Like YES IM GONNA THINK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME NOW!. This concept fits so well and now I’m never gonna not remember this. Regardless of what my writing skill level will be I love my concepts and am so proud of my concepts. My concept ideas are my favorite part about writing 🥺❤️

Thank you so much for the ask Abbey! Really I loved this! 

[endless-whump]

Simon/Oliver: Rescued

CW: torture aftermath, dissoci@tion, mild self harm mention (brought on by panic) suicidal behavior mention, references to creepy and sadistic whumper, box boy whump,

Masterlist

----

“How long did they have him like that?”

The voices were quiet but they were so loud, too loud. Everything was too loud, the fabric of the blanket and the voices and the sound of the house’s heater. It was all just noise.

“I don’t know...I think it’s safe to assume it was a while, though.”

“It was a while.”  Another voice confirmed quietly.  “He was only this bad when they kept him alone for more than a week.”

“You’ll stay like this until you’re begging me to touch you,”

Oliver scratched at his arms, rocking slightly. Even with all the lights dimmed, everything was too bright. Too loud. He could feel the ghost of fingers trailing across his skin, all so unwanted and yet needed, needed to the point he felt like he was dying without it.

He needed it, he needed it, he needed it. Nobody wanted to touch him because they thought he was scared.

He was, but he needed this, and everyone refused to see that.

Simon was supposed to see that. Simon knew Oliver needed touch, but for some reason he was holding back.  

Simon had touched him, had held him when they came back for him. But after that, nothing. Silence. He hadn’t even spoken a word directly to Oliver since they got back.

He dug his nails harder until his skin, wanting to disappear. Every little thing was just noise and noise and noiseand-

Oliver flinched at the feeling of a hand on his, then melted into it. The hand pried his away from his arm, murmuring something about not wanting him to hurt himself.  It was all just noise to him.

As quick as the touch arrived, it was gone. It felt like he’d been burned, nerves alight with the pure sensation of someone else’s skin against him. It hurt so bad, but he wanted it. Craved it.

He didn’t dare chase the hand, though. No, he learned not to do that that hard way. He wasn’t sure how long it had been when they first came back, but what he did remember was the cold, solid hit from the baton when he’d tried to reach out and touch the man, desperate for something other than the complete lack of sensory input happening.

Someone kneeled in front of him, and Oliver recognized it as Sandy.  She smiled, moving slowly so as to not startle him.

“What are you doing?”  Someone behind her asked.

“He looked like he was in pain when he talked, I’m checking for damage.  Oliver, is it ok if I touch you?”

Oliver nodded slowly, eyes still unfocused.  He wanted her to touch him so bad, but also wanted her far, far away from him.  Better to let her choose for him, it was easier like that.  He wasn’t made to make decisions.

Gentle fingers pressed against the side of his neck, and he had to refrain from pulling away at the soft pain.  Sandy seemed to notice his discomfort, frowning and feeling along his neck a little softer.

“I think he might have damaged his vocal chords, and maybe even his windpipe. There’s bruising that’s faded, and he’s got some swelling.”

There was silence after that, as if there was something unspoken they all knew but refused to admit. Simon was the one to break the silence with what they were all thinking.

“From screaming, probably.” He said quietly, crossing his arms. Oliver wanted to be held by those familiar arms so badly. “Cedr- he..he choked Oliver a lot, before. I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened, he was gone for over a week.”

“Was there ever significant damage during initial captivity that would make him more vulnerable to throat injuries?” Sandy asked, her hands leaving Oliver’s neck. She leaned back but didn’t quite move away yet, observing him.

“Nothing that ever needed emergency attention but..I’m guessing it could’ve caused lasting damage. He’s... got some issues from it. Neurological ones, at least.”

The look in the woman’s eyes was an angry kind of grief Oliver vaguely recognized, one of restrained fury and pity.

“I see. Anything in particular?”

Oliver could see Simon from here, leaning against the doorframe. His face was dark, expression pained but distant, which Oliver hated.

“Memory issues.” He murmured. “Granted some of that is probably just the facility fucking up his head, but he’s got problems..retaining things, sometimes. Forgets things a lot.”

Sandy pressed her lips together, nodding. “Part of that might just be trauma. I’d monitor it alongside the suicidal behavior, but I don’t have any concerns about it pertaining to anything underlying right now. It might just have to improve with time.”

“We don’t have time,he doesn’t have time!”  Simon snapped, making Oliver flinch where he sat curled up on the couch.  “They’ve already taken so much fucking time from him. What if we can never get it back, huh? At what point is he gonna be just another washed up rescue that can’t be fixed?  What then?”

“Come on, Simon, don't say that.  He-”

“No!”  He yelled, turning away.  To leave.  “This is myfault, and I can’t even help fix it. He’s better off with people who can actually help him, not me.  All I do is put him in danger and keep him going in circles inside his head with his conditioning.  I can’t solve this anymore.”

“S,Simon.”  Oliver called weakly, forcing himself to focus.  He had to pull himself out of the fog inside his mind, the thing keeping him tethered down.  It was heavy, suffocating, burning. But he could push through it for this. Simon froze but didn’t turn around, hands clenched into fists.

Oliver pushed the blanket aside, standing shakily.  Sandy moved to stop him but Mia held out a hand, eyeing him warily.

“Let him go,” She murmured sadly.  “They need to work this out.  This was going to happen eventually.”

It hurt, but Oliver ignored it as he stumbled forward.  He set a hand on Simons shoulder, only earning a flinch, the other moving away.  Oliver whimpered, moving to follow as Simon turned a corner and disappeared down the hall

“Simon!” Oliver called out, following him. He braced himself against the wall, wincing with the effort it took to stay standing.

“Stay away from me, Oliver.” Simon warned lowly, still walking away. “I’m nothing but a danger to you, and we both know that. It’s better for us both if we just try to learn how to live without each other.”

The statement hit Oliver like a punch, icy terror running through his veins. He was being left, abandoned, he wasn’t wanted anymore. This was what Cedric was talking about. He was too broken for anyone, and people always came to the conclusion things were better off without him

“S,Simon, Simon please.” Oliver begged, stumbling after him down the hallway. “Don’t leave, Simon please don’t leave.”  

He couldn’t lose him. Simon was the one person he had left that he’d thought would always be by his side, no matter what.  He didn’t know what he did wrong or how to fix it, maybe he wasn’t good enough or-

Simon spun around abruptly, startling Oliver a little as he stopped in his tracks. He watched the tears start, the flash of anger and hatred he knew wasn’t directed at him filling Simon’s eyes.

“I, I hurt you, Oliver!” He shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “I dragged you down the fucking stairs and, and I was..I was willing to.. I just- I failed you!” Simon insisted, shaking his head as tears streamed down his face. “I-“

Oliver took the step foreword, flinging his arms around Simon to hug him tightly. It was a terrifying step, one full of doubt in himself and fear and uncertainty, but under it all was a layer of trust. Trust he needed to bring back to the surface.

The touch burned but he wanted it so bad, it was its own kind of loud that drowned out everything else.  It was something he could latch onto and focus on.  There was a hesitation, Simon tense, before arms wrapped around him in turn, and all the noise seemed to disappear.

It was quiet, now

Oliver sobbed against Simon’s chest, clinging to him as if his life depended on it. He was so scared and part of him knew this was wrong and dangerous but he didn’t care. He just wanted Simon. He just wanted his family.

He didn’t want Cedric to be able to take that from him. He’d taken a lot of things from Oliver, but he refused to let Simon be one of them.

“I don’t care!” Oliver wailed, throat burning from the pain. “I, I, I don’t c,care. I forgive you, Simon, p,please don’t go.”

He was being lowered, hugged close to Simon’s chest as they both slumped to the ground. Simon made everything so quiet again, Oliver thought to himself.

“I’m so sorry, Ollie.” Simon sobbed, rocking and holding the other tightly. “I, I’m so sorry, I thought I lost you, a,and it was my fault.”

“No.” Oliver insisted, shaking his head.  “It's, it’s not your fault.  C,Cedric broke you l,like he broke me.  If it's not..if its not my fault, it's not yours either.”

Simon cried into Oliver's hair, embracing him.  “W,why, why would you forgive me, Ollie.  I, I hurt you, and I could still hurt you- I don’t deserveit!”

Oliver looked up, skin burning with the touch as he reached up to hold Simon’s face, looking over him.  Tears ran down his tan skin, dark eyes full of guilt and grief and hatred. The soft, dim light of the hallway illuminated the faint freckles dotting in an odd pattern along his nose and cheekbone, and Oliver traced it idly.

“You do.”  He choked out, staring deep into those eyes.  “Because..because you’re my family, and I love you.  I trust you.”

Simon looked stunned for a moment before he let out a noise that half sounded like a sob and half like a chuckle, kissing the top of Oliver’s curls.

“I love you too, Ollie.”  He murmured, closing his eyes.  “I know you trust me, which is half the problem.  I need to be able to trust myself again.  Then I can let you trust me.”

Oliver nodded, letting his head be guided back to Simon’s chest.  He took a shuddering breath, relaxing as the tingling under his skin from the touch calmed. They could work through this. They could build that trust again, for both of them.  

----

Taglist

@insanitywishes @18-toe-beans @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @spiffythespook@simplygrimly @cinnamonflavoredhugs @finder-of-rings @deluxewhump @ashintheairlikesnow @briars7 @albino-whumpee @thatsthewhump

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[libermachinae]

Schematics [Or, Another Chance] – Ch. 4, Sensory

Also available on AO3! Notes: Day 4 of @prowlweek and I went a bit squish. Scav’s a good-ish boy.

⏳ 🚧 🚓 ⌛ 🏗 🚧 ⏳

Scavenger apologized probably somewhere around a hundred times. Hook couldn’t keep track of them all, and even Prowl must have been satiated, because he gave up on his lecture halfway through and kept it to a crisp, “Do as you’re ordered.”

“Mixmaster and Scavenger, you’re coming through this time,” Prowl announced as he loaded up the terminal with their next set of coordinates. “Long Haul, you’re anchor.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because that’s your order,” Prowl said.

“Bonecrusher’s the one who caused problems the last time, shouldn’t he be the one stuck behind?” Long Haul’s shoulders were squared and his plating flaring. Though he resented the reaction, Hook could understand where it came from: after being put on guard duty twice in a row, their resentful transporter was probably starting to feel like his skills were being undervalued.

“I’m the leader of this mission,” Prowl said, turning to stare Long Haul down. “If you take issue with my command style, you’re welcome to leave.”

“I’m not gonna do that and you know it,” Long Haul snapped.

“Precisely.” Prowl turned back to the console, as though that constituted a satisfying end to the argument.

Hook tried to get a steadying hand on Long Haul’s shoulder but was pushed off, the larger mech stalking away. Not that there was far to go. The present had been confined to the space of the cave they stood in, their only indication that real time was passing the changing light that filtered in through the ceiling. Their chronometers had fallen out of sync with each journey, but it was pointless to reset them every time, when Prowl had them going back in just minutes after they returned.

He finished punching in the coordinates, the timestream shimmered to life, and the team lined up behind him. Only now, Prowl didn’t bother to specify the order they would travel in. He took the lead, Scavenger slipped in front of Hook, Bonecrusher and Mixmaster lagging behind, and a silent agreement was passed not to bring it up as an issue. If Prowl was relaxing his regulations a bit, that could only mean fewer opportunities for them to mess up.

Part of Hook wondered if they should take a break soon, give everyone a chance to fuel up and ease off, maybe even have a chance to get caught up on everything they had missed. That’s how they’d done it with Scrapper, but he stopped that line of thought before the pang in his spark got to be too strong. This wasn’t the right time to bring it up, anyway, so he put his focus to keeping his processor under control as he stepped into the timestream.

He did a better job of it this time, practice having made him more accustomed to the feeling of time rejecting their intrusion. He reached forward at once point and took Scavenger’s hand, keeping him from rushing ahead like he had the first time, and in response felt a squeeze that held until they nearly reached the exit. This time, Hook could see what they were approaching, but the only thing he was able to make out was that it was dark. Not like the cave, though. There was something familiar about it.

At Prowl’s signal, he let Scavenger slip free of his hand, then followed shortly after, emerging among the roots of another long-lost Cybertronian city.

“An abandoned sector?” Hook said as he peered around. Compared to their last stop, the streets here were barren, lights only distantly visible through the breaks between buildings. Someone turned on their headlights and illuminated the building across the way, its large doors slightly ajar.

“What would the time killer want with this place?” Scavenger asked as he crept closer.

“The what?”

Scav grinned at Prowl.

“The time killer,” he repeated. “We’ve got to call this guy something, don’t we?”

“He hasn’t killed anyone.”

“He’s Cybertronian?”

“Yes, but—”

“There you go! Killer.”

“It’s got a nice ring to it,” Hook said.

“No, it doesn’t,” Prowl said. “Come up with something better. Bonecrusher, you’re on guard duty. Scavenger, Mixmaster, Hook, with me.”

The named mechs followed Prowl into the nearest building, staring up at tall ceilings that only served to offer more room to an incredible collection of junk. Scrapped sheet metal, rusted beams, and all manner of useless spare parts filled the space, a warehouse that had been made to a cheap and convenient dump for some unofficial industrial venture. The whole thing rung familiar to Hook, but it was the rumble of and engine in need of a tune-up that caused his processor to alight in recognition.

“Wh—seriously? Since when do you all show up early?”

Hook whirled around, his spark spinning with way too many emotions to process at once.

“Scrapper?” Mixmaster choked out.

“But no Long Haul. Great. I guess we can just start building the arena on top of the scrap piles, that’ll stand just fine.” Scrapper wasn’t paying any attention to the mechs he was addressing, too wrapped up in his planning and calculations to notice anything amiss. The casual ignorance of a mech who was so profoundly gifted in his ability to notice details struck an emotion in Hook that he did not have the words to describe, and he found himself stepping forward.

“Scrapper—”

“Scavenger, stop standing around,” he said, possibly ignoring Hook, though more likely failing to notice him. “I need you to start sorting through this mess and figure out what’s useful. Mixmaster, help him excavate however he needs; your skills aren’t going to be any use until we get this cleared and Bonecrusher gets here to set up the foundation. Hook, you review the blueprints last night?”

“Of course, sir,” Hook said, forcing himself out of his stupor and back into the role of the perfectionist second-in-command he had played for four million years. The changeover was so natural, he forgot he was lying.

“Start laying out the perimeter. Give us a sense of the space we’re working with,” Scrapper ordered. “Once you’ve got that, I’ll need your help with the fine details, make sure everything’s to Megatron’s specifications. Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Scrapper turned and walked off, optics fixed to the datapad he’d walked in with. Hook stared at his frame as it retreated, taking in the way his legs bent and arms swung, the cant his helm adopted when he was deep in thought. The last time he’d seen Scrapper functioning had seemed like such a non-event, it hadn’t occurred to him to savor it like this. Now, every frame was saved to his memory, copied to multiple folders and heavily encrypted.

There were so many things he wished he could do to that frame. But, if they really were all the way back to setting up gladiator arenas, then the team wasn’t really a team yet. There were rumors about Scrapper and Long Haul, evidence of Mixmaster and Bonecrusher’s late night ‘science projects,’ and a few nights spent fantasizing ceaselessly, but nothing at all like what would come later. Hook, he reminded himself, wasn’t even the second yet. At this point in the timeline, he’d only recently been assigned to Scrapper’s crew and made up for it with a kiss-up habit he was still struggling to break.

He wished there was time; the things he wanted to do to that frame. Scrapper disappeared through the far door, and Hook made to follow him, reclaim lost days he’d never imagined would be significant enough to miss. A hand caught his arm, he turned to Mixmaster’s optics, and was reminded of their reality.

“Prowl says we should go,” Mixmaster said.

“Oh.” Hook didn’t remember setting his vocalizer that low. “Where is he?”

“I’ve got him,” Scavenger said. He’d been leaned over a pile, sensitive digger arm extended in from of him, now revealing that Prowl had been hiding beneath it. “It’s good we got Scrapper while he was still in planning mode. I don’t know if this will work again if he comes back.”

“It’s not worth the risk,” Prowl said. “You’re all compromised and there is no sign of the target, so we’re going back.”

He led the way back out of the building. Mixmaster complied without much fuss, surprisingly eager to get back to the time portal, but Scavenger lagged, glancing over his shoulder to the place Scrapper had disappeared to.

Hook paused to wait for his teammate.

“Hey, c’mon, Scav,” he said, offering out a hand. It was all he could do to close the distance, because he knew if he went to Scavenger right then, he might not be able to stop his legs from carrying him all the way back.

Still, the mech hesitated.

“Is there a problem?” Prowl asked, back at his side.

“N-no, Prowl, uh, boss,” Hook said, trying to hide how the mech’s reappearance had startled him.

“It’s him,” Scavenger said, with a reverence that he usually saved for just one mech at a time. He glanced back at Prowl, optics bright with something. Realization? Hope? Primus, don’t let it be that. “Prowl, could we—”

In two strides, so quick and silent he might have teleported to Scavenger’s side, Prowl pushed himself into the mech’s space, silencing him with presence alone.

“No,” he said, his voice the blade that cut off Scavenger’s fragile buds of hoe. “No. Scavenger, on this day, four million years in your past, Scrapper had a normal day. He worked with you and the rest of the team, erected Megatron’s next arena, and forgot about it among every other day he spent doing the exact same thing. He did not get removed from his place in time, nor did he mention ever encountering a different version of you. This is how things happened, and we can’t change it, no matter how badly we—you want to.”

He was leaning far into Scavenger’s space, closer than Hook had known he was capable of. And although the display was apparently meant to be domineering, show that Prowl was the one in control, there was something else to it, captured in the way Prowl’s hand reached up and touched, so gently, the excavator’s wilting backhoe.

“That’s four million years ago. More recently than that, Spike Witwicky tracks him down, isolated in an Earth construction lot, and kills him. We can’t undo that, either. It’s not ours to change.”

Scavenger’s whole frame perked up under the surprise touch, subconsciously tilting his stick into Prowl’s hand. Hook watched Prowl’s gray fingers stroke with surprising care, a jealousy coiling in his spark that he was only able to tamp down with the knowledge that Scavenger would be delighted to share the memory when they next combined.

Prowl said something else, so soft Hook couldn’t hear it. When he leaned back, he and Scavenger’s optics were locked, the latter nodding in some private agreement.

“Now move it, both of you,” Prowl said, voice returned to its usual commanding timbre. He turned and proceeded out the way he’d been headed before, leaving Hook and Scavenger to follow. It wasn’t a problem this time, though they walked after him on legs that felt suddenly weak. It still took a great deal of will on Hook’s part not to cast a final glance backward as they left, but he managed it, keeping his optics ahead of him, on the doorwings that swayed with each step Prowl took.

[tiny-maus-boots]

The Howl pt 9

A/N: ty ty ty ty ty to my bestie and beta for doing all the things. @chloes-yellow-cup and lots of thanks to @wlwoolf constantly supports this work. and a very special thanks to all take the time to read all this stuff. 

One last thing. Unedited because...well I’m lazy. 

09.

“I love you”

She really hadn't meant to say it, didn't even know it was in her mind or heart to speak honestly. It started as a laughing commentary to Aubrey's slow wit but once it was out Stacie knew it was the truth. Painfully startling as it was she couldn't seem to find an argument against how she felt. Aubrey had dropped into her life and from one moment to the next everything had changed. The world was different now and not just for her, for the vampire too. She could see it in the way those gorgeous silver-gray eyes filled with the knowledge that she was being truthful.

The blonde's brow furrowed slightly as she processed the words still hanging between them. Stacie had been on her own a lot in her life but she had never really been lonely. Not the way lonely echoed through Aubrey like a mournful song. “You don't even know me...”

But that was the thing. She did know Aubrey. “I knew you the moment you saved my life.” It was a mistake to have saved her life when she could have easily let Stacie die and gone about her business that evening. It likely would have been safer for the vampire had she let a stranger die but she hadn't. She'd come from nowhere and fought that disgusting thing, killing it before she herself succumbed to her wounds. Aubrey was different and Stacie knew it in the deepest recesses of her heart and spirit. She could even feel the way her words so foreign to the other woman, and yet were so desperately needed.

Arms tightened around her, pulling her closer and Stacie sighed happily as she tipped her head to the side. The thought that she might be just a little addicted to the feel of the vampire feeding and that it could become extremely dangerous flitted through her mind for a fraction of a second. But Aubrey didn't bite her as she had expected, or maybe even craved. Cool soft lips brushed over her bites in a delicate caress that made her toes curl. The tip of the blonde's nose grazed the length of her neck, and she nipped lightly at the corner of Stacie's jaw.

Aubrey didn't have to say I love you back because she could feel it in the way was being held and the gentle, careful attention being paid to her marks. She knew it in the way Aubrey had twice now risked herself for Stacie. She didn't need to hear the words when she could feel the love in every reverent stoke and kiss. Aubrey's tongue lapped the edge of her bite in an intimate touch she felt the sense memory of  between her legs. Stacie gasped and gripped the front of the other woman's jacket needing it to anchor her in the overwhelming feeling of being more than desired, more than just the blood and sex shared between them. She felt cherished in a way her mind couldn't fully grasp and she thought maybe it was because Aubrey had yet to understand it herself.

She was so completely rolled in a sensory overload that she hadn't noticed another person was there until a deep growl tore through the haze she was happily cocooned in. The solid weight of a long body knocked into them, pulling them apart forcefully. The shock of it made her slow to react, still too busy trying to process the image of Redd straddling Aubrey's chest as he landed punch after devastating  punch to get her limbs to start working right away. Stacie scrambled to the edge of the bed ready to yank Redd back when she felt a shift in her connection to Aubrey. Cold fury slammed into her chest, sucking the air from her lungs with its intensity and physically staggering her back.

Redd raised his bloody fist to land another blow, his anger making him oblivious to death staring him in the face. She couldn't see Aubrey's expression but she could hear the hiss seconds before Redd's body was lifted and flung into the open closet doorway like a pillow. Aubrey stood in a move so fluid and quick that Stacie could only see a blur of motion before the vampire crouched, ready to leap in attack.

“Stop!!”

She honestly didn't know if she was saying it to Aubrey or Redd but the vampire froze just a fraction of a second before she would have pressed the advantage she had. Shoulders went slack, her posture lazy as the fight drained out of her from Stacie's plea. It should have ended things there, he should have stopped and realized that he was outmatched but Redd lunged out of the closet using all his weight to topple Aubrey back. She stumbled back under the force of impact, both of them crashing into the television mounted on the wall and cracking it.

It was all happening too quickly and she knew she had to stop it before someone got hurt. And by someone she meant Redd. He might still be full of the wolf from the night before but he wasn't going to be any real threat to a vampire that had just fed. The pair struggled across the room, each landing hits with blinding speed. Stacie managed to finally find her feet and closed the distance between herself and them. One hand reached out to grip Redd's shoulder to stop him from raising another hand to Aubrey but he shrugged her off, throwing an elbow back that caught her chin and made her see stars.

Son of a bitch! That hurt.

Aubrey let out a truly inhuman yowl, her rage beyond the point of reason and were it not for the nearness of the stair edge she might have twisted Redd's head right of his body in that moment. But her movement overbalanced them and they went down the stairs still locked together in combat. They tumbled down the step after step and landed hard on the floor to her office. Stacie bounded down after them in two big leaps, finding Aubrey wrapped around Redd like a python, fangs bared and glistening.

She was barely aware of her people walking into the scene with alarmed bewilderment. Aubrey lashed out with a growling bite and the pack gasped collectively. Jealousy bloomed hot and sick in her chest and she tipped her head back for a challenging roar. Redd struggled for a moment but she knew all too well what it felt like when the blonde fed. Aubrey pulled back seconds after her bite and dropped Redd's slack body to the ground, she gave a snarl and spat out his blood with a sneer of absolute snobbery. And oh God it was so fucking hot.

Stacie gave herself a mental shake pushed her way between Aubrey and every other wolf crowding into the office. Cynthia Rose caught her eye from across the room and shook her head in disappointment. This didn't look good and she knew it. Growls rumbled menacingly as some of the pack tried to crowd around Redd protectively but he scuttled away from all of them panting as he tried to pull himself together. Without Redmond to protect the wolves turned their attention to Aubrey and started a slow advance.

The blonde tilted her head as she eyed everyone's position and slowly reached back to rest her hand lightly on the hilt of the weapon strapped to her back without a flicker of concern or fear. It was getting out of hand and if she didn't intercede a lot of people were going to die. Stacie pulled hard on the power of her wolf letting it rise to the surface and fill her body like a tub full of warm water. Not quite enough to spill over the edges, but full enough that a single drop more would cause a cascade.

It was not a warning that growled out from her chest with the force of her beast. It was a demand for submission and she pinned them all with a cold golden eyed stare until they backed away, glances dropping quickly. She wasn't happy at having been jarringly tugged into the present, or getting clocked and she sure as hell wasn't happy with Redd getting bitten. Having her pack defy her would be just too much to bear and she didn't think anything could stop her wolf from doing something terrible.

“This is all just a big misunderstanding so everyone just take a breath here...”

She was trying to soothe them, ease the tension enough to explain what was happening but her voice was still rough and full of gravel and Redd was having none of her conciliatory gesture. He pushed himself to his feet, knocking CR and one of  the pack loners out of the way. His face was scarlet from exertion and embarrassment. She might have felt sorry for him if she weren't just barely containing the urge to lash out him with clawed hands and sharp teeth. Jealously rose again when she caught sight of the trail of blood at his neck and she had to look away. She could feel the shift in his posture and knew he thought she was backing down, maybe he even thought it was in shame. It was enough that he pushed on and immediately and pointed at Aubrey with undiluted hatred.

“You gonna tell us I didn't walk in on that...blood whore...sucking you dry? Just like she tried to do to me??”

Aubrey rolled her eyes at that gave a haughty derisive snort, it was clear she didn't think him worthy enough to actually drink even if she hadn't said a word. He swiped angrily at his neck and held up blood slicked fingers for the whole pack to see. She would have argued that it wasn't at all what Aubrey had been doing to her when he walked in on them but they could all see the fresh bites on her neck. That she wasn't being bitten at that exact moment mattered little when she willingly offered her blood to Aubrey moments before. Stacie didn't even try to hide it because she wasn't ashamed of Aubrey's marks on her. That wasn't her issue with his words at all. Her issue was with his use of the term 'blood whore' in reference to Aubrey. Her wolf surged pulling her forward a dangerous prowling step toward him.

“Apologize.”

“What?!”

The incredulity of the question made Stacie twitch, her lip curling back in a snarl as she took another step closer. There was a fine tremble in her body as she struggled against herself to contain the wolf-rage built up inside of her. She could see him calculating his odds before he squared his shoulders and faced her fully. The challenge in it was clear, he was going to stand his ground in front of the pack. Another drop of power hung precariously over the metaphorical tub of her control, trembling and full ready to cause a flood of rage.

“I. Said. Apologize.”

“Fuck. You. I'm not apologizing to that fucking demon fo...”

There was no thought to her action, one moment she was standing there and the next she was on top of the other wolf, riding his body to the ground with a wild snarl for the second time that day. Wolves skittered back away from her in abject fear and the animal in her delighted in it. Good. Let them fucking fear her. Stacie roared out her feelings, one hand slamming Redd's head into the floor with two concussive thumps. She pulled the front of his shirt, lifting his body toward her and plunged forward with the intent to rip his throat out. How fucking dare he?!

Cold bands of steel wrapped around her, lifting her bodily from Redd and she barely registered that it was Aubrey until the other wolf was out of her reach and she found herself able to breathe. The unbreakable grip she was caught in shifted, one arm sliding across her chest in a soothing caress. The vampire's voice soft as a whisper, breath cool against her ear.

“Can the pack afford to lose another today?” She almost didn't care but for a quieter echo at the back of her mind asking gently. Can you afford to lose them all now? It was exactly what would happen too if she attacked Redd and killed him but the logic of it wasn't quite enough to keep the low and constant growl from trickling out.

There was a nervous twittering shift of bodies in the room and Stacie let her gaze drift over them. They were confused, angry, and maybe...maybe she could see a little betrayed. The pack had just found Wade murdered by a vampire and here she was defending one that had bitten and fed on her, had bitten Redmond too. It was a lot to process and she knew it. Angus looked around at them all then jerked his chin at in Aubrey's direction.

“What's going on here, Stacie?”

He surprised her with the lack of challenge and aggression he normally showed but the distrust was clear. Stacie took a breath and relaxed into Aubrey's arms as she faced them. She supposed it was now or never, the pack had to know that things were going to be different now.

“She's my mate.”

The was a faint thump against her back that she registered as a single heartbeat from the vampire. The wolves surrounding them stared half in disbelieving shock the others in confusion as if this were all some disturbing joke. Redd growled and started forward but thought better of it when she lunged in Aubrey's grasp, straining to lash out at him. The vampire held her tighter still and he glared at them with the kind of hatred that made men into devils.

“That's a lie! She killed Wade and now she wants you!”

Stacie snarled but stopped struggling against Aubrey and shook her head. “No she didn't! She couldn't have because she was with me all night!”

More bodies shifted and the energy in the room rose to a near unbearable pitch. Cynthia Rose cleared her throat and kept her gaze from showing outright hostility. “Thought you said something bad was out there...but you were with her...”

“There was something bad out there. If Aubrey hadn't intervened Wade wouldn't be the only body left in the snow.” There was a soft grumble as the words sank in. Some looked thoughtful and that was at least a start. She let her gaze rest on her Betas trying to read where they stood. It was hard to tell and she felt her confidence falter.

“You believe a revenant took your wolf from you?” Stacie turned her head to look over her shoulder at Aubrey. The vampire's face was blank of all emotion but there was something trebling through their connection that caused her to raise a brow questioningly when she nodded. “I must see the body.”

A roar of shouts burst suddenly from the group in protest. She didn't agree with them but she understood why they didn't want to allow Aubrey access to him. Wade's body was sacred, it needed tending and respect, not a cold impersonal inspection from a vampire no less. Stacie was stuck between a rock and a hard place and she was weighing her choices when Cynthia Rose whistled to get the attention of the assembled crowd.

“Stace?”

She knew they needed her to make a choice one way or the other right now. She sighed and pulled a little away from Aubrey so she could turn and meet a cold gray eyed gaze. It warmed and death bled away to the familiar pale jade of Aubrey's eyes.

“What do you need to inspect him for?” “The night we met I was tracking the creature. I believed it the last when I took its head...but if there are others I must find them and dispose of them quickly.”

“To bury the evidence of your feeds?” It was someone in the back, she couldn't see who exactly and couldn't place their voice but she didn't need to when there were agreeing nods around.

Aubrey straightened her spine and shrugged indolently as if it were the stupidest question she'd heard. “If I wanted to hide my feeding I wouldn't have chosen your wolf queen to mark.”

Another unsettled titter passed through them and Stacie frowned. “And if you find out it is a revenant bite? Then what?”

Seconds ticked by as Aubrey stared impassively at Stacie. “The infection can not be allowed to spread.” There was something in the clinical way she said it that made the tall brunette huff. Aubrey was holding back and she could feel it. Stace glanced at her pack and then Aubrey and nodded slowly. They'd cross the 'what if' bridge when 'if' became a real thing.

“He's in the bed of the truck.”

They all looked toward the garage and a low mournful whine rose from multiple throats including her own. Aubrey moved gracefully into the garage and climbed into the bed of the truck. Several wolves surged forward to crowd around protectively, Angus among them. The blonde pulled the tarp back and her sharp eyes took in every detail of him before she leaned forward over the body. Angus snarled but Aubrey only sniffed delicate around Wade's head before frowning.

Her words came out respectfully soft and it took Stacie a moment to realize Aubrey was speaking to the pack, and specifically to Angus who had climbed into the bed with them and was holding Wade's hand.

“May I touch him?”

It confused Angus and the big man looked over to Stacie, unsure how to respond. She tipped her head gave a slight nod letting him know he could trust the woman. He blinked at her once then turned to the blonde and gave a gruff nod. She was careful, gentle even as she turned Wade's head and probed the bite with a fingertip judging it's depth and the damage caused before pulling the tarp back over his head. She seemed to sense that her presence so close to the body made them all uncomfortable and moved to lightly drop to the ground.

The pack sighed in relief and Stacie gave a soft grunt. “So what's the verdict?”

Aubrey looked troubled and she held her hand up. “Can you tell me what you smell? Your nose is more acute than mine. I...I have to be sure.”

The brunette brought the vampire's hand closer and sniffed delicately. The scent of decay was there, the same as before but...not. It confused Stacie and she sniffed again. “It's faint...flowery...what is that?”

Cynthia Rose nudged her way forward and gave Stacie a nod. “Lemme.”

Stacie stepped back as her Beta eyed Aubrey warily and sniffed at the blackened blood coating her fingertips. She growled and pulled back with a sneeze, arms crossed over her chest defensively. “Violets.”

The change was almost imperceptible. Just a tightening of the shoulders but Aubrey's eyes had gone distant and contemplative and she could feel something closing off between them. Stacie narrowed her eyes in suspicion and hummed softly. “That mean something to you?”

Now wasn't the time to hesitate, they had to show they trusted each other. To the pack and maybe to themselves. Stacie reached out and cupped Aubrey's jaw gently commanding her attention. The vampire's cheek filled her palm and Stacie smiled gently. It was a habit of the blonde's and one that made the wolf go soft every time. Aubrey sighed deeply and gave Stacie a look of honest regret.

“He is infected. If there were another way...” She hesitated and Stacie raised a brow. His head. The inhale was sharp as the words sunk into her brain.

“No. There has to be another way.”

The wolves started crowding in closer, Redd keeping his distance but unwilling to be left out entirely. Cynthia Rose looked between them wonderingly, a furrow appearing between her brows as she made of soft hrmpf sound. “Y'all mind telling the rest of us what other way you're talking about?”

Aubrey let her gaze drop before she faced the wolves. “Your friend....Wade, was attacked by a very sick vampire. An attack on a human from it would make a revenant from bite alone. It would become the type of creature that attacked your Alpha. It would have no feeling, no thought, no loyalty save to the nearest source of blood. The only thing they fear is the sun and their maker. They are faster, unreasoning, and strong. Stronger than most by far. Were it any other vampire bite I wouldn't worry but a sick vampire means we can not risk the contagion spreading. If Wade...”

“Don't fucking say his name!” Redd shoved someone out of his way and got in Aubrey's face. It was stupid really given how she'd already hurt him once and given how Stacie had acted at his insults but he wasn't thinking clearly. He was angry and jealous, wounded both physically and his oh so fragile ego. Stacie growled when he used his height to try and intimidate the blonde. “You don't ever get to speak his name, do you hear me?”

CR reached out to put a hand on his arm and tug him back but he shrugged it off and pointed right in Aubrey's face, centimeters from her nose. Aubrey's response was slow and drawling when she shifted her weight and subtly.

“If he rises as a revenant there is no telling what power he will have or how virulent his bite may be. We could lose the town. The entire pack and eventually the coven. There would be total devastation. I have seen it once before in the 1500s. I believe colonists refer to the event as the Lost Colony of Roanoke. I was still young, barely two centuries, but I recall The Lady of the coven riding into the settlement with a few of her strongest warriors. Only she and another vampire survived.”

Colonists? The 1500s? TWO FUCKING CENTURIES?? It was on the tip of her tongue to ask exactly how old Aubrey was but she thought better of it, choosing to question that later in private when it wasn't so obvious that they didn't know anything about each other's history.

“How do we do that? Stop the spread?”

Aubrey pinned Stacie with a heavy look as she answered the dark skinned woman still watching them both with naked curiosity. “Burn the body to ash or take the head.”

It was direct, perfunctory even. A statement of fact but she held Stacie's gaze and the wolf could easily read the things unsaid between them. If there had been another way she wouldn't put them through that.

“It's too cold for a hot enough cremation in the wilderness. And enough planes and choppers fly over for the smoke to be noticeable. We can't ride around with him all the way to Juneau without everyone knowing our business. So that leaves one option, you wanna...do that. To his head.”

Aubrey broke and turned back to Cynthia Rose with a slight nod. “I don't want to. I regret deeply that it must be done but I won't risk any others. I will not risk Stacie.” It was firm and sure and if anyone would have dared argue one look at Aubrey's set jaw would have silenced them.

The deep bass of Angus' somber voice made them all look over. “If you do this it saves a lot of people?” Aubrey nodded once and Angus looked to Stacie. “I hate it with every part of me but if you trust her I'll follow your lead.”

“Just like that?” It wasn't that she was questioning his loyalty to her. She knew he'd do what he said but Angus had always held some resentment toward Stacie, always pushing her limits and challenging her choices. Now he was too calm, too settled in the face so something violating to the pack.

The big man lowered his head and looked over at the truck one last time. He turned back sadly, shoulders hunched in pain. “Ain't gonna lose another of our people Stace. I don't trust vampires, not sure if I'll ever trust this one. But if she's your mate like you say then I trust at least that when it comes to you she's telling the truth.”

“She is. I saw one of those things...we can't let another one get loose.”

Redmond frowned and crossed arms belligerantely over his chest. “And the source? How the fuck do we fight a sick vamp if one bite can make us like you?”

Aubrey's nostrils flared at the insult but gave him a leveling stare. “When I find the vampire that hurt your packmate I promise you I will see them suffer before I kill them myself. No matter who it may be.”

It was odd and Stacie canted her head slightly as she filtered through their connection trying to find whatever it was that Aubrey was omitting. Redd snorted and threw his hands up in the air as if that were just what he expected her to say and Stacie realized no matter what Aubrey had promised he wouldn't have believed her anyway.

“Right. Vampires take care of their own, you don't give a shit about justice for Wade or any of us. All you care about is covering your people and stealing what ain't yours to take. You're not one of us, you're never gonna be one of us!”

There were a few grumbles of assent but Stacie was surprised to note that there weren't that many. They were starting to listen, to see how Aubrey was, to see what Stacie saw when she looked at the other woman.

“No she isn't but she is mine. My wolf chose her as equal. She is MY mate. You may not like it but I don't give two squirts of duck shit about what you like. The packed wanted me to mate? You're welcome. I'm mated.”

Someone in the group snickered softly but like before she couldn't tell where it had come from. Though she strongly suspected it came from the outlier that Redd had shoved aside earlier. He whirled to look for the culprit but Redmond found only blank stares watching him carefully. He was starting to walk a fine line and it was becoming obvious to the pack.

“You know you were supposed to breed...”

“No. See I don't think that was ever part of the original plan to keep me close. I think the pack would just be happy if I picked someone to build a life with. Something solid and real besides an easily abandoned garage. I think that last part is all you Redd, and you know what? If you're looking to breed pups you better find another tail to chase.”

There was a low rumble from behind her but Stacie didn't chance a glance over her shoulder. She didn't have to, she could feel Aubrey's power rolling out like a cold wave. Jealousy flared through their connection and she smiled at it. At least it wasn't a one sided feeling. Redd turned on a heel and started to storm out through the office door. He managed to get two steps before lightening like flash resolved itself into the figure of Aubrey, her wickedly curved machete steadily pressed against Redd's neck.

Stacie hadn't really seen her move, hadn't even sensed the shift in air pressure until Aubrey had passed her. Everyone froze and waited with baited breath, Redmond barely chancing a gulp as if he was afraid even the slightest pressure would part the skin under the sharp blade. The tall brunette reached out and rested a hand on the vampire's arm slowly pushing it away from Redd.

“Let him go, I'm done with him here.”

The weapon held steady, fully extended in Aubrey's expert grasp, her voice dark with intent even as her eyes glowed the soft amber of Stacie's wolf.

“I'll be seeing you again. Very soon, dog.”

“We'll settle this under the blood moon. You're not going to be so tough against a wolf then.”

He snarled but backed away from the blade slowly before pushing his way out of the office. Aubrey watched him go for a moment before she sheathed her blade and turned back to her mate. Patiently waiting for her decision and not at all concerned about having threatened one of the pack.

“Do what you have to. “

Aubrey nodded and glanced at the clock on the wall. “Tonight long after the sun falls and the town sleeps. It will be easier to take him to a place to rest.”

She nodded and rubbed her hands over her face. “Fine. Everyone just get the fuck out. Please. I promise I will explain everything. But for now just give me some room, yeah?”

Angus gave a nod and started herding the wolves toward the door as Cynthia Rose rocked on her heels before them and gave a slow nod. “I think this mating is legit. I saw them eyes. Those were wolf eyes not vampire ones.”

Stacie nodded to confirm it and Aubrey gave a surprised hum as she processed it. “Yeah. And I've had hers flash in mine. Figured it's a side of effect of the mating.”

CR gave a non committal grunt. “Maybe. We gonna talk about this soon, Stacie. You, me, the pack. I'll be your ride or die but not if you shut me out, you hearing me?”

Despite the hardness in the words she knew it wasn't a challenge for Alpha but a reminder that she had a responsibility and she respected her Beta for it all the more. Stacie nodded and reached out to rest a hand on the woman's shoulder. CR made a soft tsk sound and pulled her into a tight hug. When she pulled away from the hug Cynthia Rose gave Aubrey one last pondering glance then before nodding at something only she knew. Aubrey dipped her head once in an acknowledgement of whatever had just passed between them. It was such a tentative start but at least there were people willing to listen, to see the truth.

Stacie waited until the last wolf had left and the door clicked shut with finality. She moved forward quickly and flipped the sign over before twisting the lock and removing the key. Aubrey hadn't moved and she was glad because she had so much to say and so much to ask... but her instinct won out over such trivial things and she lunged at the blonde pushing her against the side of the desk. Stacie let her hands drop to Aubrey's hips and she lifted her easily, bringing their lips together in a heated and possessive kiss. Stacie pulled back with a growl taking Aubrey's lip between her teeth roughly.

“You don't get to put your fangs in any wolf but me.”

The vampire snarled at that and ran her fingertips down Stacie's spine in a warm and heavy caress. Her own arousal flaring at the rough possessiveness. “What's the matter, you don't want to share your little boyfriend? Are you jealous?”

“You're goddamn right I'm am. You're mine, he doesn't get to enjoy any part of you.”

Their lips crashed together again even as their hands struggled to divest each other of the layers of clothes between them. Jealousy was new, it hadn't been a thing she'd ever experienced before, always intentionally moving to keep attachments to a minimum. But the idea of anyone's hands on her mate made simple jealousy seem like a mild sunburn compared to flare molten heat and fresh rage in her chest and Aubrey could sense the echo of it in their connection.

“As long as you're not enjoying any part of him on the side. You're mine and I don't share.”

The kiss that consumed them was a desperate fight for dominance, each claiming the other as clothes peeled away from them. The possessive demand in Aubrey's words igniting the powerder keg of lust already burning her from within.

“Long as we're on the same page.”

“If we were on the same page you'd be inside me already...”

Stacie's lips curved in a devilishly amused grin as she slid a hand up Aubrey's thigh. Fingers stroked through folds already slicked with need and she growled deeply. Aubrey's head fell back at the swift and deep thrust that filled her, fangs lengthening as she gasped.

“Y-yep, you're definitely on the right page now...”

Stacie chuckled against Aubrey's smooth neck and she nipped lightly. Impossible as it seemed, she had found home at last. Where ever they were together she was home.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[willowlark369]

Not a Miracle

I have two wonderful daughters who I love very much. I never planned on being a mother. I took multiple measures to prevent it, actually. I still ended up with my girls, and honestly, yes, I’m glad of their presence in my life now that I have them. (Not gonna go any deeper into the implications of that right now. Maybe in a different post.)

I noticed almost immediately that my Bug was different than I had been expecting. She didn’t follow the developmental map that the books told me was pretty much the be-all-end-all. It wasn’t that she lagged behind a lot either. She had a few places that she did, but mostly, she just sped ahead on things. She began speaking (and in weirdly structured sentences to boot) at six months old and within the next month had decided that crawling was too slow and took off running.

But she didn’t like demonstrating either of those things to anyone outside of a small circle of people. I still remember the doctor trying to get her to talk or even babble for her, and Bug refused to do either. Once the doctor left the room, the little eight-month-old turns to glare at me before declaring that she was “not a monkey, mamama.”

Getting her to come out of her shell (I legitimately thought she was just being a combination of stubborn & shy) was an ongoing struggle and by the time her sister came along, I had figured that playdates were not a good idea. Bug would end up either hitting/kicking the other child or hitting/scratching herself afterwards. I didn’t understand why and the doctor consistently told me that it was just a phase and she’ll grow out of it.

That was also around the time that the only meal-like thing I could get Bug to eat was peanut butter on wheat. Beyond various whole fruits, that’s the only thing I could convince her to eat. I couldn’t even convince her to eat candy. Again, her doctor said it was just a phase and that I should vary the fruit and add a meal replacement drink to keep her as nutritionally balanced as possible while waiting her out. (It took over a year to convince her to try mac & cheese, and it was Bean, my other daughter, who did it.)

Bug loved art and drawing. Taking her to our local art museum for the first time was like watching her finally come alive. She wanted to know everything and she was willing to even talk to strangers (tho’ she still refused to actually look at many of them while doing so, but that’s fine, right? She’s just a shy kid and that’s okay, right?). I could barely get her to focus enough to read anything before, but upon learning that there were whole books about art and artists spurned her on until I could barely keep her in books on the subject. Suddenly instead of never talking, she never stopped and it was all about what she read about such-and-such work/technique or so-and-so artist.

This new increase of interacting with the world seemed also bring about a whole new level of problems though. There were times when even gentle brushes against her skin would make her start screaming like she was dying. (Both of us pulled back from the cuddles we had used to share, afraid of hurting her. Neither of us understood anything beyond a hug hurt.) More than once, she would just randomly rubbing at her ears or eyes until the skin started to redden or she would smell something that had been fine before (even just a few hours before) and become violently sick. Trying to keep clothes on her if we weren’t going somewhere or having guests over had been an issue that we didn’t really make a battleground, but as she started school, we started having issues with her randomly undressing in school for the very vague reason of “it was uncomfortable” but no other explanation.

She didn’t want to sit still in class or listen to the teacher. (Well, she’s stubborn, isn’t she? She always had been.) She liked math, but didn’t like reading unless it was about art or math. Science apparently only mattered when it was about how different things were made (especially anything that could be used for art). She didn’t want to do school work unless it was math. She would rather be drawing. If we could get her to talk (which was becoming increasingly difficult to do as other kids started telling her to shut about the stupid art stuff), she could easily demonstrate that even though we thought she wasn’t listening while doodling or twirling her pencil, she had been.

But without her demonstrating that understanding in some measurable way, her grades remained bottom of the barrel, and she had to repeat the second grade. Part of that was constantly being sent out of the classroom for being disruptive (and only a fraction of those occurrences turned out to be actually arguing with the teacher/students, but that’s also a story for a different time).

Bug was slowly falling into the cracks. Altogether, her teachers and I could see that something wasn’t quite right but we had no clue what it might be and through all this, her doctor kept telling that it all sounded normal, “there’s nothing to worry about”, “just keep doing what you are”.

Then my best friend started researching something for herself: the presentation of autism in a female.

In reading through what she was sharing, I started noticing things. I started recognizing things. No one had even hinted that autism was anything other than an issues for boys. For six, nearly seven years, I had brought up various concerns I had about Bug’s behavior only to be told that it was all normal, even when the whatever was disrupting her life. I was tutted as an overly-anxious parent and not once had anyone mentioned that there might be a perfectly understandable reason that all this was happening.

You know what realizing that my beloved child was possibly autistic felt like?

Fucking relief.

You know what realizing that my daughter was possibly autistic meant?

It meant I could finally help.

Without even needing a formal diagnosis, I could start researching how to work around issues and solve/reduce problems. Problem understanding social cues in the same instinctive way as others? Fine. I’m a writer, so I’m used to breaking down body language to its meanings. We’ll walk through it formally. Sensory overload driving her to stim a different sense, even to the point of harm? Learn to recognize what’s happening early and remove/reduce whatever is causing the overload. Practice terminology to communicate precisely what is making clothing uncomfortable and then work to eliminate the issue as much as possible. Work with the teachers to explain what we’re doing at home to help with homework and learn how to explain why boring stuff still needed to be done. Experiment with sensory tools to find ones that will work while also not being a distraction to other students. (Yes, one of her favorites ended up being a fidget spinner, just as they were starting to get popular. Apparently, that led to a lecture in her class about accommodation versus toy. Her teacher is beyond awesome and deserves all the apples.)

It took two years but Bug started being able to hug people again. There’s still times when I tear up when she comes up behind me and just leans her full weight against me because I remember the long years when we didn’t know when a touch would be too much and didn’t know why.

Knowing what the problem was, even before a formal diagnosis, was literally life changing. This is why I promote awareness and education. My daughter didn’t need to be cured of anything. She didn’t need a miracle of any sort. She needed to be understood. Once she understood and was understood, her life improved by leaps and bounds. There’s still problems--this was not a miracle cure--but knowing what is happening means we can lessen their impact even when we can’t avoid them.

That same child who had been close to being written off by everyone outside of our little family brought home a President’s Education Award tonight.

And she happily accepted both my hug and the slice of chocolate cake as congratulations.