#and i just cant understand and it feels so. ugh idk
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Can they put out a new nightmare time puzzle so the hatchetfield fandom can talk about something besides shipping for 10 seconds
#no reblogs on this bc. yeah#i am just a tired aro#idk im just watching ppl put characters in as many relationships as they can conceive and its just like#what about their stories#what about the friends they might have that we dont see in canon#like sometimes my dash is just drawings of people that look nice next to each other#and im not gonna say you cant ship things for the sake of it because of course you can it doesnt have to be deep#but it's just so much Hatchetfield fan stuff is focused on that kind of thing lately#and i just cant understand and it feels so. ugh idk#some people are excited by romance that's just romance ig#but its starting to drive me a little insane#pls tell me its not just me
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HELP I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING HELP!!! HELP!!!!! its not don yet,,,,,, eoaugh. shoutout to like the 20 coloring/rendering tips and tutorial videos i watched you all did NOTHING to help. GOD. how hard is is to get a tutorial and help for something that actually ISNT naturally intuitive to me???
waaa waaa lineart hard 🥺🥺 waaa waaa sketching hard!!! ok man how about you struggle with figuring out basic color palettes (color is my absolute worst element of art ive yet to even improve on. this backfired on me i shouldve done more coloring pages when i was younger)
#ok but after like 30 minutes of fighting with the colors i do really like the color scheme i did with this..... like#i tried to keep everything desaturated. but also yellow warmish toned#yellow is supposed to be joyful happy yippee but this is NOT a good moment (for killer at least)#so i desaturated it. idk if that got the intended look but i wanted it to be a bit of like a twisted feeling moment#and then the red against the black of his dt vomit is like to show a contrast between the yellow#which could be calming if it was just left on its own to portray intensity and pain and yadayada#can you tell i love color psychology. can you tell. but i cant even apply any of the stuff ive learned at all#I HATE COLOR I HATE TEXTURE!!!! I HAVE ART OPPS AND THOSE TWO ELEMENTS ARE THE OPPS BRO#im glad i chose killer's as first since compared to horror's and dust's in this series his is the most normal ish#i dont know how to improve this anymore but i'll figure something out i guess idk.... art man#i think i deserve to eat a poundcake to congratulate myself for this. at least i got colors down#the tutorial lady said i should figure out color palette and placement first on the piece#and then i should do the actual thing afterwards and kinda clean things up after i figured everything out#worst feeling when you understand a concept in your head but you can't depict it on paper UGH#i have no idea how to draw buttercups btw. in fact any flower. i cannot draw nature#maaaaan i suck ass at this art shit bro i should just give up#nooo noooo..... lifelessly reanimates my disappointed body...... ink would be sad if i gave up#that stupid little skeleton is lucky he's a cool enough concept of a character to motivate me. thank you ink........#tricule rant
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finally caved and started reading all for the game. two chapters into the foxhole court and what kind of gay fucking shit is this! also did not know there were sports in here
#idk whats going on i thought it was like the raven cycle with magic and shit its called the foxhole court??? no fae???? what the fuck!!!#and i cant understand whats happening with the sports. i didnt get it. i hope i dont need to i just know kevin is top dog of the bad dogs#neil is mid mid except hes got a death wish so they want him carnally???#ill be reading it super slowly bc im busy but i can feel it slowly turning up the heat on my brain cells as i read. they are burning.#ive got naught but ten#and neil's not neil but he is and he has a bag of secrets he's hiding in someone else's closet like okayyyy go off author fuck whats the#authors name.... nora sakavic FUCK I SHOULDVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST A WOMAN NAMED NORA#i dont know...i dont know.... but also the only gay neil i know is the one from dead poets society and its hard to separate the two rn#is the rest of the book going to be like this what did i get myself into. am i mentally prepared#bc i wasnt for trc and it FUCKED! ME! UP! im STILL insane#ugh. ugh. anyway. way gayer than expected. also at one point someone asks ''how safe is safe'' and MY DISAPPOINTMENT#when the answer wasnt safe as life? immeasurable. in fact i had to close the book. went to study accounting.#ACCOUNTING. HELLO?? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME IN HERE???#the tree speaks#all for the game#aftg#what are yalls tags?#neil josten#the raven cycle#trc
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i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
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:')
#what do you do when you feel like everyone else in your friend group cant see or recognize how annoying a person is#sjshsksbsksnsksjs i cant stand her i get so annoyed when i see her or hear about her that ive just had to leave#and tbh my mental has been a lot better since......#idk its gotten to the point where i struggle ignoring her or being cordial because im just like “OH MY GOD get over yourself”#yeah were all sad it doesnt make you special and you arent the most sad either#people who make how depressed they are part of their personality / their only personality trait are my biggest pet peeve#and i think a big reason for that is i used to do that so i understand but like that will only make you continue to feel worse because#youre like always acknowledging the sad and youre building your life and personality around how sad you are to the point where you CANT get#better because sadness is part of who you are and it feels like losing that sadness is losing the only part of yourself you know and#understand#but no!!!!!#thats just how you stay sad!!!!#some people think if you arent sad forever then your depression isnt as real as other peoples and i think she is that way#which is another reason i cannot stand her bc she thinks im not depressed too just because i dont talk about it#bitch!!!!! ive tried to kill myself!!!! i have self harm scars that will never heal from 10 years ago!!!!!#but i dont make it part of my personality!!!!! why would i!!!!#ugh im so annoyed that i feel like i have to prove myself#and its like if im not depressed all the time then i never was depressed#when bitch i was put in a psych ward!!!!!#i hate her#tbh#im starting to think i cant go back#i miss a lot of people but bc of her i just hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#vgobvent
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#truly i have too modes. so fucking busy i cant breathe. cant think without a muddled lag. feeling motion sick as i walk#a path ive walked a thousand times over. or not busy enough. without thr pressure i revert to a liquid state and spill across the floor#i cant seem to do anything. at least when im busy i cant feel how miserable i am. at least for a little while bc i have to focus#idk how to find a balance. it always seems to be all or nothing. outside my control but directed by my control#ugh. after the month ive had the misery's caught up with me. also i havent been sleeping enough#i felt horrible all day in the lab ans i was like. i mean maybe its low bloodsugar? but then when i went home i felt 1000 times better#which is. ya kno understandable but not great#idk i can just feel the anger leaking out from under my skin. ive made the system unlivable. now im suffocating on the echo of pain#and i feel bad bc it must b all over my face. bitterness simmering in my words#i met with my boss today for a delayed meeting of a delayed meeting and showed her some preliminary data. she was excited and asked what i#felt abt it. and i dont feel anything abt it. nothing. i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont fucking care#set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything#and im sure some of that sentiment came thru bc she later texted me to reiterate how cool the data is bc no ones done a study this#extensive ans i dont kno how to reply bc again i dont care. theres no breathing enthusiasm back. that dim light has been extinguished. i#look forward to never having to think abt it again.#whatever the more pressing issue is that i cant get my brain to function enough to save me from the other problems i have boiling over#just me sabotaging potential future happiness from where i sit unhappily in the present#annoying. ugh i need to sleep.#unrelated
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what the hell
#ok not to be rude but#i sort of cant handle the depression perhaps anymore like it is unending#i dont understand why god cant just give me theability to reanimate the dead or perhaps just do it himself#i miss the little guy i kind of dont know what to even do#i feel stupid bc i feel like its like....people dont really perhaps i just dont think people are that cool about talking abt grief#esp about pets..like#i feel silly for being so depressed but i also cant perhaps handle it#the self loathing is really hitting a peak this week idk like#where do ie ven go from here is my thought i guess i dont really want to be alive or do anything i just miss him so much#he was so sweet and small#i keep getting served videos about like senior 20 yr old cats being surrendered to shelters and like#im so mad like id do anything to have gotten 2 more years with him wht the fuck are you giving them up for#what the hell#its frustrating because ir eally dont want to be comforted or even spoken to about this im just like mad#mad and bargaining clearly i forget what stages those are#depressed yet pissed off also like what the fuck did he do to deserve this it was so fucking fast#cherish your fucking pets. treasure every fucking day#ugh#maybe ill try a different kind of eating again for awhile tbh lets see what thats like in the new context of living w regan#its hard bc its human nature to criticize and correct i think so its hard to feel like i have the space to do what i want? bc of that....#idk idk
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Oooooooo you wanna find me great incredible Undyne centric content that I haven't seen before and will be consumed by ooooooooooo
#i say this because you genuinely cannot understand just how insane over her i am that i have legitimately seen almost all the interesting-#-content about her#i am not fucking kidding#if its on like the first 3 pages of anywhere ive searched for her ever. i have seen it. tumblr youtube ao3 google i HAVE SEEN!!!!!!!#ok well not as much with ao3. simply because im always searching for something specific on there. so like. there probably will be some-#-really good things on there i havent seen yet#but still. i have very high standards if there is anything I don't like ill spontaneously combust#and im legitimately like 94% i know literally every single thing about her mentioned in the game. so you wont be able to surprise me with-#-anything there either. but also you never really know so#i mean yeah just feel free to talk to me about her at any time. I wont be able to start the conversation. because like i just cant#but if you mention something interesting enough in the first sentence ill probably be able to keep the conversation going for a good while#sorry i probably sound really rude and snobbish rn cause im all like ''ugh i already know everything im so smart'“#''whatever show me will be beneath me'' BUT I SWEAR THAT IS NOT HOW IM TRYING TO COME OFF#IM REALLY REALLY SORRY I JUST GENUINELY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET ACROSS HOW I N E E D IT TO BE SOMETHING NEW AND SOMETHING THAT ILL REALLY-#REALLY WANT TO SEE#IM SO SO SORRY I HATE THAT I SOUND SO RUDE HERE I JUST. like guys i just really want to see something new‚ something thatll make me happy.#sigh#okokok.#all good guys#uhm. yeah. maybe if you find something maybe tell me but also idk because what if i already know about it then dont know what to say. i just#i j . i dont even know man#ok im done#undyne
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Having lots of thoughts about how sensitive I am to others' opinions on my hyperfixation
#shut up me#UGH. I really just cant stomach seeing people disliking the characters/stories that I love or are important to me#not in the sense that it annoys me or makes me mad or anything like that#It just makes me feel like shit!#and I think a big reason why is that im scared to be ''wrong''#im worried that liking the things I like (even when harmless) makes me a horrible person#and that anyone who disagrees with me automatically hates me or thinks less of me#even when I don't? feel this way about people who disagree with me???#Its why I dont talk about things or characters I dislike in dr (other than the obvious egregious shit) on my sideblog#I dont want anyone who Likes those things to see it feel the way I feel ALL THE TIME.#Like okay I know v3's ending and mastermind reveal was contentious ive known this FOREVER and I know and can understand why#but it just makes me feel! so bad! when people dislike it#theyre so so allowed to I just dont know what to dooo#to a certain extent I just want to drown myself in fun and positivity because im just so tired of constantly feeling guilty and anxious#but i think its doing more harm to me in the long run#because I cant handle any negativity even when its warranted#but again. im just so tired of feeling anxious and guilty all the time for no reason at all#idk how to handle this im just. augh#Polls on my dash that are all in good fun but are stressing me out because I cant handle this stuff like a normal person )b#maybe delete later
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re:mind costs 30 fucking dollars............
#im gonna replay kh3 and im gonna Pay Attention#i WAS planning on playing re mind too and i will but god damn thirty fucking dollars#also while i do understand how the disney worlds and the attraction flow make sense in the context of the story#like the sleeping realm theory like i see why they would do that#and by didney worlds i mean basically replaying the whole movies with sora as a background character#rather than an actual driving force that has an affect on the preconceived plot#like i see why its like that from a narrative point of view#but as a real person playing the game its just really annoying having so much disney shoved into my face#yes its dumb to be saying that about a game thats literally disney but Anime but at least in previous games its like#like i said sora has an ACTIVE affect on the stories like things play out differently maybe a bit similar but at least not beat for beat the#same or even its not set in the movie timeline at all just before or after the stories or somewhere in the middle#the point its not a retelling its like those fix it fics where someones like what would happen if this person was here instead#and i like dthat! made it very unique and enjoyable and not make me feel like i was watching a movie in the middle of a game#and like i said i can see why narratively having sora in the background and unable to truly influemce the stories bc ultimately it was about#the people and THEIR relationships and not some outside force (heartless) causing problems#like i get that but good god was it tedious and annoying and just ugh#i swear hearing fucking let it go in the middle of the game was so annoying i cant even remember what the point was of it like character wis#wise for sora i mean like idk what he gained from that bc i just checked out#like thats truly my one complaint about the game is just all the disney. it was only confusing for me bc i did NOT pay attention to the plot#at all which is not a fault of the game. also the attraction flow was useless to me like just plain annoying man like literaly disney advert#advertisements i hated it#michi tag
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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)
#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint#dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good#I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what#anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up#the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff#i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons#i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them#if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva#anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it#someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms#lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain#if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him#he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok#i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside#god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame#but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure#SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO#ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling#im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me#UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop#anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw#i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous#and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy#actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right#tricule rant
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I Am Someone Who Is Terrified Of Making People Mad At Or Disappointed With Me. I Never Ever Affirm Myself Or Go Against What Anyone Irl Says To Me Ever Because Of It. I Am In A Situation Rn Where I Need To Do That Tho And The Longest I Put It Off The More It Negatively Affects Me. I Want To Cry.
#its not anything serious its like#well i train karate. and i just got piercings#im still a rlly low (red) belt so its not like im idk getting punched in the face. or getting my face touched at all. so theres not any#danger to training w piercings. nothings getting hurt or tugged#my sensei tho is a conservative 30 something who is Really into the Rulestm#and said i have to take off any jewerly piercings or earrings before training#which i am fine w doing once its healed. its not tho#and its ideal to wait between 6 months and a year to take piercings out for long periods of time (training takes 1:30-2hrs)#cause the holes can start closing really fast#so. if i followed his rules id have to not train karate for like a year. which i am obviously not fucking doing. especially cause i plan#to get more piercings so id just have to stop training forever#so i need to. talk to him. and explain. and be like ik what u said but im gonna have to break that rule. because i wanted to get piercings.#its not serious but im so scared of doing that its making me want to cry wifuewhguihugyg#esp bc i am also disabled a bit ig and i cant follow the rythm of other students and hes always been so understanding and great ab it#it feels shitty to be like hey fuck you im breaking ur rules#like who am I to do that#ugh#i asked ppl on the piercing subreddit and a guy there who is a sensei said that it should be fine to train w piercings#so it is probably just a Traditiontm thing yk#once its healed enough that i can at least change the jewelry i plan to swap it all for clear silicon bars#so its soft and not noticeable#but that will also take at least a few months#it negatively affects me if i put it off for too long cause this shit takes practice i havent been in class for over a month im gonna suck
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btw... mtel practice test number two done... crushed that bitch! the Comm/Lit one is supposed to be the easiest but still it felt nice to get a 90% gonna take the humanities practice tomorrow but i suddenly feel way better about this
#ive felt so useless since being on medical leave#and like i get that i cant really teach when i cant really walk rn#but being able to feel like im doing something productive with my time is huge#like goddamn im crushing it#tbh the tests dont cost THAT much and if i want to get hired at my dream school maybe i should cast a wider net#and just do my math/science cert as well#i had a math homeroom this year and did i like the material? no. could i teach it in a way that is understood by the children? like yeah#the bar is really on the ground- most of teaching the lower and middle grades is classroom management literacy and comprehension#and since i have had two years workng in SLD and understanding IEPs and 504s i know how to teach the material in a way that would be fine#like i wouldnt WANT to be a math teacher.... but if push comes to shove maybe i should get certified anyway#idk idk rn we are looking for visual arts and middle school social studies and then we will open up the search if there are no openings#...ugh i should also look into a moderate disability license with the way things are going for BPS every classroom is gonna be inclusion#which wouldnt be a problem if they ACTUALLY provided support for the Inclusion and SLD and ELL strands#I DIGRESS#im not fucking teaching ELL though no thank you i had to cover middle school ELL this year a few times and you can just take me out back#and shoot me. im not qualified and i do not want that responsibility thanks
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I don't know how to feel about the track limits thing :/ On one hand, I'm like yes they should know how to stay within the lines and they should be penalized for blatantly violating them, but on the other, it's really unfortunate to just have your result completely wiped away, and oftentimes, after the fact, so there's literally nothing they can do about it. It just feels very unfair and cruel sometimes :/
#sometimes i like it bcs it benefits my driver 😭😭😭#but even then it feels unfair#like i understand theyre going off thr track but sometimes its not even giving them an advantage???#i mean think about how yesterday both mcl boys had their p3s ripped away after the fact#oscar being told during his interview was so incredibly cruel#id be happier with the track limits thing if it didnt always happen after everything was already said and done#and i just saw for fernando in this shootout he got p5!! and then boom nope now hes dnf and p9#like how is that fair??? that you dont even know and cant safeguard against that#maybe give a warning or something???#i can't remember which racs but it wasnt one with strict limits like this one#but max kept going off and they warned him how many times he could keep doing it before penalty#it reminds me of jeddah 23. how fernando literally got thru the entire podium and then they penalized him#completely unfair!!!#and like of course austria 23 was just insane#i still havent really gotten the full scope of that bcs i was literally there and couldnt see the track limits#but i remember getting home and then seeing how many people had been demoted after the fact#though that one was kinda funny bcs aston decided to commit terrorism on all the other teams for a few points#ugh yeah idk it kinda just ruins the race a bit for me? it all feels very petty i guess#not completely ruins i just mean it sucks to keep doing this bcs theres no joy in it#catie.rambling.txt#f1#formula 1#2023 qatar gp
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its always been so hard for me to make friends !!! i just dont get how its so easy for people and everyone just exchanges numbers and sscial medias all the time and here i am not connecting with anyone .-. like im always so so sosososo dumbfounded when i hear and see people talk abt hanging out or following eachother and stuff like... damn fr no one wants to be my pal !
#i even asked one girl at work wat her ig was and she didnt even follow me back .-.#idk !!!! even when people are nice its so hard to get to the next step of even being aquaintences !!#like 2 of my coworkers r so sweet and they even gave me a gift but idk how to like .-. make a friendship move#plus i'm not rlly good at planning any type of hang outs so its hard cuz like idk idk#anyway idk i was just thinkinh about how my entire life its just been so hard for me to connect with people literally my whole life....#idk if it will ever get better >.<#im so lonely and i always feel like such a burden too my best friend#but seriously i feel like the only reason we even became and stayed friends was because she was so so sosososososo idk ! talkative and#inviting like i dont think anyone would ever be like that with me again#and obv i liked her a lot and yeah idk if i myself could connect with someone like that again bc its so hard for me to just . connect with#people !!!!! and i#always notice some 'flaws' in people its such a bad habbit of mine but like ugh!!!!!!!! not even flaws i just when people say weird stuff#its so off putting but like its so common am i just suposed so be ok with it?!?!??! ijkshdj#the only other person ive been extremely close too was my hs friend ughhhhhh but idk >.< things just change and i understand that#its just i feel like an even emptier person now in life i dont even know what i like or anything and i cant just bond with people over stff#i feel genuiny EMPTY !#npthing makes me happy i feel like everything is fleeting
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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