#and i can get more if i ask my therapist
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hey by the way, if anyone wants access to dbt packets but dont have a therapist/cant afford one, let me know and i can send you PDFs of the ones i have. there shouldn't be a paywall to mental health. ily we're in this together <3
#i don't have all of the packets but i have many#and i can get more if i ask my therapist#i love you i want to help#depression and anxiety#depression#anxiety#ptsd#cptsd#ocd#borderline personality disorder#bpd#npd#dbt#dbt skills#dbt therapy#not mlm#dantes talking again#mental health support#mental health help#mental health awareness#mental health advice#therapy
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whenever i see the view of 'always be 100% honest with the medical professionals providing you with healthcare' i just... how much privilege do you have to have to not see the pitfalls with that statement?
i understand 'always tell first responders what drugs you've taken'. but when it comes down to trans healthcare or people who're disabled or have "scary" mental health conditions. do you really think being honest the entire time is safe?
#the specific post that prompted this was about being honest about your mental illnesses/neurodivergences with gender clinics#buddy i am in a country where if i pursued an autism diagnosis they could just decide BANG no more hormones for you!#i've been taught by other people with chronic pain on the exact language to use with doctors so i get the pain meds i need#i once confided in a therapist that i had a voice in my head that i'd been hearing since i was around 8-9#they asked me 'does he tell you to do things?'#the truth was yes but you can bet your ass i said no because these people aren't your fucking friends#please just be *safe* i am begging you#trans#transgender#chronic pain#chronic illness#bipolar disorder#actually bipolar#actuallyautistic#mine
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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im so fucking mad abt the therapy thing i cant even express it Im gonna make a zine abt it later i think
#text#fucking INFURIATING experience#the other worst therapy experiences ive had ive been mad especially in thw#aftermath but thats probably the maddest ive ever been in the moment. possibly bc ive been realizing therapists can suck more and morw the#past few years so i doubt myself less yk#But the other worst therapy experiences. 1) my therapist saying my intrusive thoughts were a ‘metaphor’ for ‘killing the girl i used to be’#and 2) my last therapist who i told him id had my title ix hearing and he didnt even like. ask abt it#like i yapped abt it on my own and then he didnt respond to it really at all. was like Ok and what rlse has been happening for u this week#BITCH ?!??!!?!?#But this is like. INSANE im gonna have to get a new therapist to process this thwrapist LMFAO#neg#therapy tag
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i would look into getting a therapist again but it'd have to be online bc I can't go anywhere for that long 😭 i don't want an online therapist... video calls are terrible
#also it felt like my last therapist was pissed at me for not talking to her enough so now I'm not feeling too well about the prospect of#going again.#like even with a new one my 'can't talk to people about anything deeper than the weather' issue won't immediately go away#and my 1st therapist had no idea what to do about that and seemed completely lost#and again my 2nd one seemed pissed and/or annoyed#hrm.#WHATEVER#doddie redet#but it is a bit like exposure therapy which is why i want to go again#like even if i don't manage to talk at least I'm sitting in front of a stranger who's asking me uncomfortable questions#so I can slowly get used to that or whatever. and slowly start talking more. even if it is just about the weather.#I want my first therapist back we used to play card games together :'( the perks of a Jugendtherapeut
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repeating “jealousy is a disease get well soon bitch” in my head every time i block rude anons and delete hatemail so i can try to brush it off but i am not ur strongest soldier so can you all stop being mean 🩷 please
#♡.gabi barks#im okay i prommy (im crying rn)#like omg seriously what did i do!!!!! i dont do anything but mind my fucking business!!!! and talk to my precious little friends!!!!!! but#apparently i cant even do that bc no matter what i always get meanies in my inbox 🤞#like im seriously not doing anything i just came back and im already receiving asks telling me to kms and deactivate like do yall realize#im a person too.. like im literally real and i have feelings and im not a complete ditz#like what is so hard about treating people with kindness!!!!#ive spent all morning blocking mean anons and deleting asks and trying to brush off the mean words i see and receive and it hurts!!!!#im just a girl#if u send hate or tslk meanly to or about me im assuming ur a LEWSER and have no life bc i dont even do anything fr!!!!! im coolin!!!!!#i was gonna post this with the jealousy is a disease get well soon girl meme but i couldnt find it#anyway im fine!!!! (as im actively texting my therapist)#no bc im so upset and so angry WHAT AM I DOING WRONG#what am i doing to deserve this like please give me a valid answer so i can fix it im so tired of being sad and mistreated and bullied :(#i know i promised i was gna try to be more active but my little heart is so heavy and sad
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you know you've hit rock bottom when by the end of the session your therapist hits the head in hands pose and goes "let's. l-let's just try to stay alive for now. n-no meds we'll just focus on finding the reasons to keep you here"
#we actually talked about possible meds options but. we just don't know what to go with jdkskskd#the ONLY antidepressants that worked on me are made only where i live and they literally taste like acid#and this is not even me exaggerating my therapist said this stuff could probably burn your stomach if you took too much. yikes#and they're like VERY strong so like. i'll probably need something just as strong. can i just get lobotomy atp#at least i brought my sunday plushie with me. i kept it in the backpack the entire time#but maybe one day he'll actually participate....#my mom took me taking sunday there so seriously like she kept asking for updates#and when i was done she was like “is sunny still there with you”#and i sent her a pic of him and i was like “we'll be home soon :)” and she was like “good job you two”#anyway bro yeah im trying. im trying#though tbh the problem is. not me having no reason to live but more like#having all the reasons and motivation but feeling like i don't deserve it#so it was like before sunday drip marketing “YAYAYAYAYAY I'LL DEFINITELY GET HIM I'LL DEFINITELY GET HIM”#and then after i was like “HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME STAY ALIVE FOR YOU” 😭😭#i-it's okay if it doesn't make sense to you im just. saying stuff#[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]#mmaybe i'll post a linagram vd tomorrow
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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in 2024 I wanna stop hearing about betterhelp
#elise's posts#SO many youtubers etc I like are promoting this shit#fyi for those who don't know it's a REALLY unethical business trying to take advantage of the mentally ill#and before you say 'but how else am I meant to find a therapist that does online sessions'#post-pandemic most therapists offer this#and if you want the whole 'I can text my therapist for therapy anytime 24/7' thing...#sorry I know it might sound useful but it's SUPER bad for both your own mental health and your therapist's#sorry but therapists are not meant to be there for you 24/7#that's not their job and it's really unhelpful for YOU to become dependant on a 24/7 therapist#betterhelp do not vet their therapists thoroughly#and some people say they have been evangelised to on betterhelp by preachers who ask the algorithm to assign them queer and atheist clients#many reputable therapists state that it's a terrible business model promoting unhealthy practices to patients#it claims to be the cheapest option but it's more expensive than the most expensive therapist I've ever had (I'm in the UK)#and significantly more expensive than the cheapest who was still good and probably more qualified than some people on betterhelp#you pay extra for the middleman#(being allocated a therapist you didn't choose and vet yourself isn't great anyway imo surely you want agency in this huge decision?)#and I'm sorry but pride counselling is a branch of the same company#please just look for therapists that specialise in your needs through a regulatory model and get in touch with them directly#not all of them have waitlists and tbh if every therapist on betterhelp is available whenever what does that say about them
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Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
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you ever have one of those cases where you know your childhood wasn't exactly normal but then you take a look at one aspect of your life that you thought was just a quirky lil detail and realize maybe that was a bit more not-normal than you previously thought
#i spent my entire school years cooped up in my room pretending to study when i wasn't at school#no free time ever bc if there's free time then there's always something more important you could be doing instead of taking a break#just always trying to look like i was studying whenever anybody entered my room and i wasn't sleeping#maybe that fucked me up a bit bc now i never feel like I'm allowed to have any free time#or maybe that's just the adhd who knows#anyway that's also why i never went outside bc it never even occured to me that i could even ask for permission to go outside#or even just hang out with friends after school. fuuuuuuuuck wait is that why ppl have been thinking im weird for heading straight home#after school everyday instead of hanging out to chat and hang out even though i have nothing else to do#anyway what i was going for before that lil realization was that idk how to answer when ppl ask me about video games#bc you have to play those on your phone or computer and you have to pay for them too and of course my parents weren't paying for that#and it's not like i could've just got them myself bc i never had an allowance bc they expected me to ask them if there was anything i needed#but ppl aren't really expecting you to dive into how weird your life/parents were when they ask you about video games#so idk. maybe i should really just get a therapist so i can figure out what's normal and what isn't lol#anyway. i keep having these little realizations recently and idk why. i thought i already knew everything abt my own life#guess im just recontextualizing things based on new info or whatever#it's getting pretty annoying having new epiphanies abt my life when im just tryna get through school tho :/#mine#random#vent
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hmm anyone else with 'severe mental illness' that will never fully go away just Constantly Embarrassed hahah just me hahah ok just me constantly seeing myself & my life from outside points of view & being embarrassed? haha not to be vulnerable or emotional but like
#way to often i have to like. beg for he#*help or a tax discount or whatever & it's like. haha yeah i know i know dw#i know what i look like i know how i look on paper#& i'm just laying it all out there again & again being like 'please believe me please help me'#like 'i know on paper my life looks kinda pathetic & like i'm constantly asking for help but pleeeease give me a 25% council tax reduction'#there;s a lot of things in my life that i love & i always try to look at the bright sides but sometimes i have to ask for help or something#& then i see myself from the outside & it's so embarrassing#the older i get the more i'm realising like oh maybe there won't be a point where i'm able to reach my potential#like maybe that future's not coming#& i can still have a rly good life!! & in a lot of ways i do!!! i feel greedy asking for more#but i'd love to not be agoraphobic for example#i love that i'm not rapid cycling anymore!! & maybe this new emdr therapist will fix everything ptsd related!!!#but i just can't accept where i am now becuase it's so fucking embarrassing#i know i'm strong but i look weak with all this brain weirdness#& i'd love to table at a comic convention one day aa i think if that happens i'll know it's something i can say like 'yeah BUT i tabled at#a comic comvention'#i table twice a year at a zine fest down the street & that's amazing & such a huge boost!!#my post
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bad news. ya boy’s got wicked low testosterone. I’m outta boy juice!
#just got my results back this morning. I’m outta the boy sauce.#haven’t talked to my dr yet BUT I did see my therapist who is NOT a doctor but he says yeah I’ve got it worse than any of his past patients#gonna call my dr tomorrow and see about setting up an appointment#dang… my juice#you ever have that fantasy that you see a dr and they finally find a source of a long standing health issue AND they can fix it w/ a pill?#I’m trying not to get my hopes up but my number was rilll rilll low#like… I could be more normal in a week or two#or at least have more energy and drive#that would be amazing#just let me dream a little#lol but uhhh what if I instead ask for estrogen and uhhhh uhhhh 🥴#what if I was pretty? and happy….#hey let’s not unpack that right now#just gonna keep that buried down deep#that’s for 40 year old Ian to work through!#let’s not make a big deal out of any of this#and I love you. and I appreciate you.#you can ignore this#text
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told my therapist i'd text my mother and tell her not to come by (she asked/said she would cocme visit me THIS WEEKEND, i had a panic attack about it, we've all been there. probably)
but im so bloody tired of having to deal with this kinda stuff, therapy was exhausting, sitting with my emotions and not going insane was exhausting, and i'm also just. sleep-tired. proper tired. it's past midnight and i just want some warm tea and to go to bed soon
#alex yells at the void#i can text her tomorrow it's fine#anna (my therapist) is once again quite concerned about me#i did get pretty lost in my head towards the end#she was once again like i'm here for the next few days i check my emails every day blah blah im here if you need anything#as if i would ever ask for help like bloody hell i cant even out loud say that i dont want my mother to be around me for the foreseeable#future or whatever im just#it's in my head and im trying to say the things i need to say but it's like running into a cement wall head first#and the more i try and push the harder it gets#anyway. im terrified my therapist is gonna get frustrated with me#even though i know she's like the nicest person ever#but what can you do#anyway#tea fanfic bed
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Me: yeah I think I need help with my emotional regulation skills. Like I get SO angry and my tolerance for frustration is SOO low
My therapist: well everyone gets annoyed and it's okay to acknowledge that people are BEING annoying. Just don't interact with them if you can, otherwise it's okay to be angry :)
Me: K.
Like man I am literally asking you to help me gain these skills I was not taught to have bc I was raised to suppress my anger and not show it bc that was "disrespectful". Like hello??? Yeah everyone gets annoyed but like not to the point where they snap at someone at least once a day!! Hello?!??!?
#marquilla#im still just.. baffled by this#she was like well set boundaries like if your mom keeps asking you to run back to the store for something she forgot and#it's the third time that week then tell her no! it's okay!#like i literally work in a store i can just pick it up when i clock out IF she forgot stuff and kept making it my problem#like that's not what im talking ab when i tslk ab her forgetting things being annoying#im talking like she wont remember a conversation we had the day before. she wont remember me setting a hard boundary#and will cross it without thinking bc she canr remember the boundary was set!! THATS WHAT I MEANT#and also the skeletons at work but thats more so autism overstimulation shit than pure anger and annoyance#i really should get a new therapist but im just so tired of getting new drs and i feel like no one listens anyway bc its hard to articulate
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YOU. DEAR FRIEND.
does dallas remind you of any fictional characters? anyone irl? (general appearance or personality or maybe like certain things he does,,, idk—)
HI BESTIE!!
hmm….. let me rack my brain a little bit
hear me out here. hes like if bill cipher was a nice guy and didnt use his powers for evil
like think about it!!! interdimensional being with the ability to travel between universes and interact with the people in them, plus they’re both immortal! also they both have a similar sense of humor that usually involves mortals realizing their godhood (although dallas is definitely much more lighthearted about it than bill)
bonus: both of them killed their dad and cant go back to their home dimension
#wait can dallas go back#im not sure#having a question about oc lore is great cause i can just ask you about it#XIIIIIIIIIIII#can dallas go back to his homeworld and kismadoré#you may have said so already i just forgot 😭#also ill be honest im in a bit of a rush and gravity falls is weighing HEAVILY on my brain rn so this is the first thing that came to mind#i might add someone else if i think of them later?m#now that i think about it dallas is much more physically akin to bill cipher than personality wise#cause dallas is like. a good person#he helps people and cares deeply about his friends#bill… is NOT that lmao#i mean#the only ‘friends’ he had just left him to rot in the theraprism#and ford CERTAINLY isnt going to go looking for him#so hes basically alone (outside of the axolotl and various therapists)#and dallas isnt! he has the garden + all of the people in his home who care about him#so basically hes better than bill cipher#case closed#anyways i kinda ranted and now i need to get ready for school LMAOOOOO ttyl#istg i never have any time to talk to you 😭 hopefully tonight 🤞🤞🤞
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