#and i CANT BELIEVE THE BRAIN WOULD DO THIS TO ME
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ok i HAVE to make a system update post because shit has gotten insane over here.
so we recently split TBTF medic. along with the existing tbtf cmedic and tbtf cheavy fictives. this is a Problem. NOT because theyre all trying to kill each other (although that is. also true (long story)) but because we ALREADY HAVE A TF2 MEDIC FICTIVE. and i CANT FUCKING TELL THEM APART MOST OF THE TIME. so now Medic Original (non tbtf medic) is forced to wear blue all the time because otherwise they look Almost Identical. i hear one of them say something and i have to wonder if its the more normal Medic Original or the much more deranged TBTF Medic and its HORRIBLE
#sys stuff#ive resorted to calling them red medic (tbtf) and blu medic (original)#because theyre BOTH named ludwig and they BOTH respond to Medic#and i CANT BELIEVE THE BRAIN WOULD DO THIS TO ME#if the tbtf characters continue to be this splittable we are going to have MAJOR PROBLEMS#especially since we already have. every single tf2 merc. plus the existing tbtfs.#i swear to fuck if we end up splitting tbtf heavy. WE'D HAVE 3 HEAVYMEDIC PAIRS.#HELL ON EARTH#i do want to clarify this is all me complaining for the sake of complaining its not actually a Problem#its just. really fucking funny that this would happen. like goddamn the brain loves the hat game characters huh
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Reverse!Gavin
#detroit become human#gavin reed#i read a lot of fics with the role swap and when a few described his attire it was like white cyberlife hoodie#and i refuse to believe he would wear white as an outer color but! i do like the idea of a white underside to his jacket#with hood included because i like hoodies#and since i dont really pay attention to if there are pristine cyberlife jackets worn that would have brown#i gave him black instead then used the brown of his leather jacket on his shoes#so that he still has that color somewhere#also i know lots of fics like to have lore as to why nines is nicknames nines but idk if ive seen any#that are like what if gavin just dubbed his human partner nines and when asked about it#hes like i might have a super brain but fuck it if im using storage to remember someones name if theyre gonna dump me later#and so thats his ninth partnership and then it lasts woohoo (i wish i could write more confidently lmao)#also also points to the scar on his nose and then points to sixtys forehead theyre friends (well granted ive never seen a role swap fic#that involved sixty but thats completely irrelevant its why i think gavin would have a kind of kinship with sixty in base bc oh huh#android healed not perfectly thats mighty fine by me)#theres more i can add to that but wont#enjoy android gavin i guess#sad i drew him in a way you cant see his mood light led but its blue here
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just wanted to draw him in something cute🛐
#sorry for so much sketches lately#I cant put my brain together it wont cooperate with me#I couldn't even come up with any sebaciel sketch for this au or whatever it is do you feel the level of my misery?? crazy...#ANYWAY#feel free to share your thoughts on how sebastian would like his master's new appearance#feel free to share any of your thoughts actually#love to read that stuff#kuroshitsuji#black butler#ciel phantomhive#my art#sketch#can't believe I'm not putting sebaciel tag here today
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stranger things season one 2016 was so fucking incredible. it exists as an entirely different entity to me than the rest of the show. you literally just had to be there. to this day nothing has ever come close to the amount of universal love for a fictional story that stranger things first received. ive been chasing this high for eight years.
#ik theres a lot of young fans of this show that are teenagers rn and listen#if you were too young to watch this when it first came out I DONT THINK YOU REALIZE HOW HUGE IT WAS AT THE TIME#THE FIRST TEASER FOR SEASON TWO LITERALLY PREMIERED DURING THE SUPERBOWL#THAT ALPHABET WALL DID SOMETHING TO OUR BRAINS AND CHANGED THE WAY WE MAKE AND CONSUME SCIFI FOREVER#i genuinely believe that scene of joyce looking around at all the lights is one of the most iconic scenes in tv history#like i cant even explain it to you we lost our fucking minds over this show it was unlike anything anybody has ever seen#this was such a pivotal memory of my junior and senior year year of high school#everyone was wearing merch my teachers would gush about it in class everyone tuned in to watch the cast on fallon it was EVERYWHERE#and do not even get me started on halloween that year oh my god#it was just so fucking fun i miss it#just rewatched s1 and all i can think about is 17 year old me losing my fucking mind#its such an amazing season#i do understand why some people say they wish it stopped at season one im glad they didnt but i see where theyre coming from#stranger things#byler
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i hate having memory issues
#“if you cared you would remember” / people thinking youre lying to them about things you did/didn't do / i am incredibly easy to gaslight#entire chunks of my recent life just. gone without warning#people who know more about me than i do myself#why cant i have a functioning brain#vent#sparks speaks#re the gaslight thing my psychosis + memory issues + regular weird realistic and/or semi-prophetic timeline dreams make me#incredibly prone to questioning reality and manipulable all the time. and i hate it#i wish i could believe in my own senses#unreality mention
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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Just finished rereading ITNL chapter 2 again
Yknow, it's long felt like a weaker chapter to me, especially compared to chapter 1. It's a Necessary chapter, but it's basically an entire chapter of introspection. Add in the fact that I wrote it in a single day and was half falling asleep by the end of editing it, but pressing onwards anyways bc I wanted So Badly to get it out that night...
The Legato part was the weakest for that. I remember staring at it and breaking my brain just trying to make it sound better before just giving up and posting. But when I worked on my full-fic re-edits about.. a year ago now? A year and a bit. I think it was October ish of 2023. But I focused on that part again, trying to get it up to my standards to be satisfied with it.
Coming back to it after some number of months, my brain relatively fresh, I think I actually did a pretty decent job. Despite being an introspective chapter, it really drives home how Wrecked vash is about it all. I like to say that chapter 1 is like a thesis to the fic, where you get vash's goals laid out pretty clearly (him picturing the things he wants to fix + him picturing his dream of having all the people he loves around a table with him, including Knives. It serves as motivation for him jumping back in time in the first place and it remains his driving force throughout the fic). In contrast, chapter 2 is... almost a secondary thesis. We see his doubt, his fears, his panic. We see the things that he's going to be struggling with throughout the whole fic. His wish to handle it all on his own, as well as how overwhelming it all is to him. Chapter 2 is the necessary second side to chapter 1's thesis, showing the weakness in his own strength and drive.
The cracks in his own unstoppable force.
Idk it's just interesting to me. Having been away from it long enough, I think I really do appreciate chapter 2 after all.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#kinda wanna post Thoughts for each chapter as i work on rereading this fic#anecdotes about what i remember doing while writing and thoughts about the chapters themselves.#part of my goal with rereading this fic is to reconnect myself with who i was while i was writing it.#ive changed so much since then that it feels like a different person wrote this fic. which gets in the way of my immersion#and is part of why it's been so long since i last updated.#i tried to force it back in july. managed to get a chapter out but im not entirely satisfied with it.#im probably gonna try to do some editing on it when i get to that point. there are a few things i want to improve about it.#the key thing being that i just Cant force it or else the finished product wont be to the level of quality i want#and i cant Keep writing in the same way i would if i was fully immersed.#this isnt to say chapter 19 is bad. people seemed to really like it. but theres just... something missing from it for me. just a bit.#i think the thing that most influences my writing's quality is how much i put myself into the character's brain#so even if the prose itself isnt the most masterful. the writing is so in touch with the character's mind that it's really impactful.#i'd like to think at least 😅#but the other side of that is the fact that my writing just isnt as good if im not fully invested and immersed. it just isnt.#so that was the problem with 19. and im gonna try to fix those parts where that feels most apparent.#the chapter will overall be the same. just. this is my perfectionism speaking probably lol#anyways yes. full reread to really get back into it. replying to comments to remember that people love my fic.#engaging with readers and also with my own analysis. i think that this will help a lot with re-engaging myself.#and if i do this right then it wont be many months before another update again.#i'll be able to go back into it and Stay in it. for hopefully Plenty more chapters and updates#gonna write at least 100k of ITNL this next year Just You Watch. maybe even more if i can manage it.#💪💪💪💪💪 i believe in myselfffff
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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me when the SAME FUCKING THING HAPPENED AGAIN
#biseuxal#queer#lgbt#help i accidentally started crushing (not the right word but there isnt a better one) on someone in my workplace#AGAIN >:(#AND SHE IS MY MANAGER IM GONNA THROW MYSELF OFF A BUILDING😭#i literally cant-#believe you me i would die of shame if anyone knew#honestly its making me mad i wish my brain wouldnt do this-#bi wlw#wlw advice#nblw#nonbinary#if you listen closely you can hear me screaming in agony
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I never see Sebs posts until like hours later when I come on here and eventually see it and it's just like OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEB!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! SEB ON HIS SHOULDERS 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 SUCH AN UNDERRATED MOMENT AND THEN HE JUST CASUALLY POSTS IT ON HIS INSTA OUT OF ALL OTHER PICS HE COULD'VE CHOSEN!!!!!!!! AND HE TAGGED MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOSING IT AAAAAHHHHH
#liks this is literally his first home race#and yet he posts the first pic of him and mark's beginning pr shenanigans#like seriously the grip the pics/clip of this have had on me since i first got into martian#i think about it soooooooo much bcs how could you not think of mark literally holding baby twink seb on top of his shoulders#LIKE HES LITERALLY SITTING ON HIS SHOULDERS??????? HE GOT ON TOP OF MARK?????? AND MARK HAD TO HOLD ONTO HIS THIGHS?????#just one of those pics that gives me maximum psychic damage every time i think abt it anf i have to go look at it#i cannot emphasize enough that MARK IS HOLDING SEB!!!!!!!!!!#anyways its sat in my brain a while and now its on sebs insta so i dont know what im supposed to do with myself under these circumstances#please please god im begging that he posts one of their date pictures for Singapore 2008 please seb if you could do one thing#then again he and mark are practically running their own martian blog atp so im expecting it hahaha#i mean if there was nothing else worthwhile to post for his *home race* then why would singapore be any different#i wake up late and i dont check insta very often so ill be scrolling on here for a bit after i wake up and BOOM#hits me like an absolute freight train every single time and i have to go open insta bcs i cant believe it#home field advantage w a pic of him sitting on mark.....is he your home.......is he your advantage#anyways: catie is not okay and is filled with many emotions#catie.rambling.txt
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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five seconds away from stealing the plot to honnouji hotel for a zany hijikata x daigo story
#snap chats#context: woman goes to hotel that was built on top of honno temple and through magic takes the elevator back in time and meets nobunaga oda#wow i cant believe i was able to fit all of that into one tag lmao#BUT YEAH I NEEED.....#i know we think of hijikata coming to the present but what would happen if daigo went to the past for five minutes#AND IT COULD HAPPEN WHILE HIM AND MINE ARE ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND THEN IT JUST GETS FUCKY WUCKY#oh it could be sadder it could be after Y3.... both are very good...#this reminding me bout how i liked the idea of hijiikata possessing a kirin statue...#i dont think ill have that be relevant in this Hypothetical au but its just remindin me i think daigo/hijikata has funny potential#i have to do comm stuff this week wehhhh my brain's molding but at least it's almost the weekend
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not to be Me™️ but
#when will i get over it because at this point like...#theres no reason for this and i should be over shit by now#i am an entirely different person and no one i know os the same either so the idea of holding on to the past#seems at this point absolutely insane i cant get over shit#where is my eternal sunshine brain wipe because like i deserve to be normal at this point#i cannot believe this is a real thing my brain is doing to me#me @ my brain like girl be normal PLEASE#it just also doesnt even make sense at this point like#like brain please theres not actually anything to hold on to jsyk#theres nothing to hold on to everything is different everyone is different and if you go by the reality of what u were told instead of what#u feel you will realize there is nothing at all there#it was all in ur head bbg and thats probably even harder to get over but u gotta do it brain#we cant keep living w this lingering on#sigh#and im embarassed that i cant make it change at that point like its shameful to deal with at this rate#at this point being normal about anything would be nice#i actually want to know how to be normal but im fairly certain the answer is the ever annoying 'just keep going'#which im doing but like why am i not getting more normaler in the ways i want#anyway back to me being normal#but this is tumblr so normal is a heavy word
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#i cant believe I’m turning 25 this year 😵💫😵💫😵💫#i do not feel 25#i mean i know theres a lot of 25 year olds in similar situations as me so i don’t feel so bad#but when i was younger i thought i would have it all figured out by now#but I’m more lost and confused now than ever before#and my brain is supposed to be done developing????? excuse me ????#maybe when I’m 30 I’ll have something figured out#only 5 years to fix my life tho? sounds unrealistic#i don’t want to wait longer than that tho#anyways time isnt real
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