#honestly its making me mad i wish my brain wouldnt do this-

[ena-darling]

me when the SAME FUCKING THING HAPPENED AGAIN

[bluehwale-main]

LIZ IM SICK ND TIRED OF PPL

i read ur other ask and i have a lot of some THOUGHTS

1) IM ALSO SO HAPPY THAT U DIDNT GIVE UP IN PREPARING FOR UR MOCK EXAM LIKE I AM SO PROUD OF U LET ME JUST KISS U ON THE FOREHEAD!! frr like trying not to give up is so hard to do so im rlly glad that u got thru that and that u did well on the exam :’-) I AM SO SO PROUD OF U I JUST KNOW THE RESULTS ARE GONNA BE GREAT I HAVE FAITH IN U <3

2) goodluck on ur final exams!!!!! i hope u had a good break on ur 15 days of study holiday + prepared well for ur exams!! sending u all my love and all the four leaf clovers i can find to manifest good luck on top of ur sexy brain 🍀🍀

3) INTROVERT SCORPIO????? are u hongjoong in disguise 🤨 but anyw LMAOO FR LIKE WHENEVER IM WITH MY FRIENDS I CURSE LIKE 14 YEAR OLD BOY TRYING TO ACT COOL (translation: i curse a lot) SO ABHSHSHSAHA U NEED TO TEACH ME UR WAYS!! but fr so happy for u that u get a break from exhausting toxic ppl during the holiday <3

4) WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING HE BETTER SQUARE UP BCS I CAN FIGHT POW POW 💥🥊 nah but fr one of my friends told me that guys won’t be friends with a girl unless they find her attractive and i was like LMAOO WHAT AHAHAHaha Haahaha.. aha… nthen i kinda realized that she’s 100% right :-/ men aint SHIT but anyw U CAN LITERALLY TREAT UR GUY FRIENDS SUPER PLATONICALLY LIKE STRICTLY PLATONIC FRIEND ZONE BEHAVIOR TYPE OF SHIT N THEY’D STILL BE LIKE oh so u’d wanna date me huh LIKE ??????????? get ur head out of ur ass

5) i hate false/misleading gossip w a passion bcs i’ve been a victim of it wayy too many times so hearing what u said makes me so MAD like ppl should mind their own business fr what. like i love silly little gossips i can giggle about but yeah it really sucks when u’re the one at the wrong edge of the sword i do not recommend nu uh mhm sucks big time

6) recommend me some kdramas pls

7) HES BLAMING U????? oh hell no HE HAS TO GO!!!! n btw u are not at fault at all for reaching out to him BCS U WOULDNT KNOW THAT HE’D START FLIRTING WITH U???? 💀 bro is kinda pathetic ngl. and yeah i do get that part abt wanting genuine male friends who only see u as a friend and like. i genuinely cant find any in my campus. i can only rely on my highschool guy friends to pull through but 95% of them study abroad so that sucks 😔

8) oooh yikes i dont like ppl who bash about their own friends :( that rlly sucks ugh ditch her!! and also hm i cant really tell who is it that snitched the gossip to the asshole BUT KEEP AN EYE ON BOTH OF THEM 😡 also its a good thing they unfollowed u bcs u R BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM <3

9) again, PROUD OF U FOR UR MOCK EXAMS AND I WISH U THE BEST OF LUCK FOR UR FINALS <3 ILY i hope ur mental peace wont hv to be ruined for u to get a degree 😭

10) honestly i have like 4 insta accounts all for different reasons (i need help ik) and i used to be so active but it just gets so tiring tht im honestly never on insta anymore. like i just repost my friend’s stories whenever they tag me lmao 😭😭😭😭 but yeah it feels nice to not be all up on ppl’s business all the time i feel u

11) IM STILL HAPPY U DID UR MOCK EXAM SO WELL‼️ DONT LET THAT SENIOR GUY GET TO U!!! keep ur head up ren ily goodluck on ur final exam and keeping ur mental peace intact <3

[beann-e]

I have a head cannon that bakugou would not be sweet to who he liked or dated and instead deny it and hate on them even more.

The reason being because he doesn’t really understand feelings so, when he’s talking badly about you he just assumes it’s normal and a bit funny at the lies he’s spitting that his just continuously friends are eating up.

he’s been talking bad about people for years so , who cares if your his s/o your no acceptation all people are equal in his mind. Now lemme explain please fall in line and hold a buddys hand kids we’re going on a trip inside my brain

It wasn’t easy getting the spiky haired male to ask you out honestly if someone asked you , which they’d never dare since they’d never know per bakugous request him saying it’s not their business , how you two got together you would shrug your shoulders and walk off.

It wasn’t that it was a boring day or a simple question that you supplied the answer for. It was that it was unusual.

You’d been at quirk practice after school in the gym like you’d usually do only this time bakugou made his way over to you.

You’d been seeing him more often when you were in the gym and you weren’t sure why until he explained that he was interested in your workout routine saying you two could have a contest to see who’s was more grueling

It seemed like fun so like any competitive person you agreed. Only for him to tap out on day two your laughs swirling around the gym as he fought so hard to say he only lost because he just didn’t like how the air would hit his ass crack anytime he did your little girly squats you’d wrote down for him.

You couldn’t say you weren’t both confused and happy when he let the air calm down before he spoke “ i’m kind of conflicted “ his eyes coming up to look at yours from the floor “ could you maybe help me“

“ of course what’s up “

“ i’m at a standstill “

“ more like a sit still “ you joked eyes peering down at his straight face “ yeah ok let’s imagine that didn’t happen —continue “

“ uh yeah anyways — i’m at a standstill because honestly I like your shit workout “ he shook his head to the floor “ but I also like you so I find myself thinking if I couldn’t get through your workout even though I enjoyed it so much could I “

his voice rasped shakily “ could I get through a relationship with you even though I like you even more “

truthfully you’d wish you’d said no because right now you wanted nothing more than to just be friends with the male sitting across the room from you.

It’s not that you didn’t like him of course you did he was hot , smart, and felt strongly about his goals but, he was an asshole.

Not in the aspect of hes just mean and rude but he was an all around prick as he laughed with his friends from across the room.

Their voices only getting louder as you sat alone a few seats away from them trying to complete some work on your desk you’d just been given “ dude gotta admit class 1-A’s got some hot chicks “

“ yeah honestly minas top three if we’re being truthful “

“mina dude come on have you seen jirou “

“ don’t even get me started “ denkis voice came out in a soft groan “ god I would— “

“ yeah yeah all that jazz but “ seros voice came out soft. His hand coming up to point at the seat as you sat in with your head down eyes furrowed in anger at the math on your paper that wasn’t syncing up with your brain right now

“ y/n “ his fist tightened as he groaned “ y/n could get it on all accounts — the car “

“ you don’t have a car “ denkis voice came out as sero continued

“ the school bathroom “

“ but which one ? because one of you would have to go in the wrong sex’s unless its a handicap or family stal-“

“the fucking dorms “

“ y/n ? “ kirishima asked quickly “ y/n l/n ? “

“ fuck yeah “

“ hmm “ kirishima studied you before shaking his head “ honestly kinda hot never really paid attention to that stuff before though “

“ what the fuck how can’t you “

“ uh i’m more so a personality guy “

“ so by personality would you fuck em ‘ “

“ not to be vulgar but of course “ his answer taking no time “ y’know how fun they’d be in a relationship though not just with sex ? imagine cuddles—fuck —what about cuddle monster y/n maybe ? god that’d be so hot “

denki getting restless as he held his thoughts in from the other males. His mind spazzing before finally getting to speak “ i’d fuck her too “ he yelled everyone’s eyes going sharp on the boy before he coughed “ id rock it too — we’re talking about getting mullets “

“ oh boys that’d be kinda hot “ you said laughing sarcastically sero turning to you smiling softly “ oh yeah on who in particular “

“ mm totally blondie over there “

“ the fuck ? “ his eyes shot away from denkis and moved to yours anger pouring through his gaze making you jerk back a little in surprise “ the hell you mean i’d look hot “

your eyebrows creased “ well because I — you do you would “

“ don’t go talking out of your ass you hear me—shit people like you don’t deserve to talk to anyone about looks “ your mouth went dry at his lazer stare.

His lips curling up into a smirk before he shook his head “ these assholes are talking about fucking you yknow “ he whispered to you “ you gonna let em ? you gonna let em right? because that’s the only attention you’d ever get right “

“ bakubro hold up chill out “

“ yeah bakubro chill out “ you said your gaze wavering from the hard one you’d had when you felt the heat radiating off of him no comfort coming from him to you only confusing you more. Had you two been in a secret argument that you knew nothing about

“ whatever “ he leaned back in his chair as the class went back to what they were doing your hands gripping the pencil when the class got even louder but you only searching for your boyfriends voice easily drowning out the others

“ i’d never fuck “ your heart broke at the deep voice youd identified

“ dude seriously come on with the lies —fucking beautiful “

“ correctomundo my friend their absolutely stunning “

his laugh ripping through their claims hand jerking back to point at you “ you think their beautiful much less hot ? “

“ yeah you don’t ? “ denki spat all of them looking at the boy like he was crazy for enjoying this obviously racy topic right now much less taking the wrong side of the debate

“ I literally just sat here and said I wouldn’t fuck em’ pokémon —so you can guess what that correlates to “

“ hey dude why’re you being sucha a dick —the personality’s top tier even if your stupid enough to think their not at least hot“ kirishima putting the ending words in quotation marks honestly a bit upset with his friend

“ hey watch it your over here defending an extra like your gonna make moves on em “ he laughed “ I advise otherwise “

you let out a sigh thinking he’d finally stopped acting the way he was. Your mind preparing to only give him the silent treatment for today and then tomorrow peppering him with kisses until he laughed and apologized for his words

Heart only being snatched away from your body when you heard his deep vibrating voice cut through the room “ probably gonna give you a rash from all the shit that’s on their mouth all the time “

it’s just lipgloss.

Lipgloss bakugou bought you packs of earlier this week after he swore he loved the taste and scent.

moving to wipe at it gently with the sleeve of your outfit him still going causing tears to start building up in your eyes “ bet the bitch doesn’t even shower —had em’ over for a project last night had to wash my sheets and blanket —took hours last night “

“ oh “ denki let out “ I was a bit confused when I saw you at the laundry room at 3 in the morning.

Tears blurring your vision as you thought about his earlier words when he’d given you your favorite sweater of his after saying he’d washed it for you because he knew you wouldn’t do it yourself because in his words ‘ you would never wash it without his help because you were a creep and didn’t want to erase his smell or some shit ‘

“ yeah —smelled so bad im telling you stay away you don’t wanna ask em’ out “

you moved to grab your phone as he kept talking you typing out a message as best as you could before hitting send. His hand moving off the desk and going in his pants pocket to pull his phone out keeping it hidden under the table eyes trailing over the screen

Firefighter >3

baby are we arguing

if your mad at me please just tell me don’t just talk shit about me in front of your friends

him locking his phone and placing it on his desk before you typed out one more message him letting out a sigh as he grabbed for it again

firefighter >3

if you keep going we’re over

“ but imagine whoever bags them apart from bakugou at least since we all know he’s all anti hot y/n “

“ they’d be so lucky “

“ yeah right “ he spoke lowly almost trying to hide his voice from you eyes glued to his phone “ wouldn’t dare “

“ wouldnt dare what bakugou “

“ oh wouldnt dare be —-be lucky “ he locked his phone again “ feel bad for the person dating them all the shit they gotta go through put up with , claims they make through message and not with real words, being too much of a pussy to speak up for themselves“

he shook his head softly eyes twitching “ you wouldn’t put up with that —you couldn’t put up with that your not built for it you gotta have tough skin y’know like me “

he licked his lips moving to sit up straighter when hearing his phone vibrate “ don’t uh “

firefighter >3

one more bakugou

one more bakugou katsuki and were over

his eyes darting over to yours before his eyebrows furrowed and body shook in anxiousness he couldn’t figure out what to do.

He was an asshole you knew this so why the fuck were you being such a crybaby now? did he pick the wrong person to date he thought you were strong

He genuinely just wanted to keep these creeps away from what’s his by scaring them off he wasn’t doing anything wrong? well at least in his eyes

He moved to talk again trying his best to string together a nice sentence “ just don’t uh ask —ask em’ out —-their utter dog shit when it comes to relationships leave it to someone who can handle that y’know “

he relaxed into his chair at his victory when he watched you throw your phone to the table and fix your skirt and standup. Him sighing out when you picked up your stuff to leave “ thank all might “ he whispered head shooting to lean back against his desk chair and look up at the sky blood running cold when his phone vibrated against the table

firefighter >3

all your shits gonna be outside my dorm door. So you might want to come collect it before I have half and half lighting campfires tonight

y’know since i’m such a shit person —gotta hope your bestie deku can give me some after school lessons on personalities. He’s so sweet I bet he’ll fix me right up

screw you katsuki see you in hell

“ the —the fuck what did —the hell did I do wrong “ he screamed when he saw you slam the classroom door after flicking him off

his friends eyes moving from the door to bakugous phone that he’d thrown on the table.

Todorokis eyes going wide when he read his stupid nickname given to him by the steamy male “ I —I uh“ he coughed “ I think i’m gonna go help y/n since their now single—don’t want em’ getting hurt with amateur fire starters again when i’m right here “

his stone face peered down at the red faced boy “ I mean that is ok with you bakugou seeing as though you two were most likely in a relationship by the messages before today “

“ you asshole did you go through me and my s/o’s messages “

“ judging by the series of recent text I don’t believe that’s the case for you two anymore “ he reached to grab his backpack saying a formal goodbye before he spoke “ I feel like i’m needed by a very —very perfectly intelligent unshitty person right now “

seros voice coming out softly as he let bakugous phone fall to the table disappointment in his eyes “ look uh —dude you didn’t have to mess your relationship up just to go against us ? “ he winced at the claim“ honestly you could’ve stayed quiet the whole time —it’s not like we agreed with you anyways “

bakugou leaned back in his chair anger swirling in his stomach as he felt his body sweat at the new heat spreading throughout his whole body.

How the hell did he mess up where the hell did he mess up he explained to you he wasn’t gonna treat you any differently than any other extra here and that went for basic conversations too

Maybe he went a bit far with the dont date em ‘ that was probably it you didn’t like how he said don’t date you because he was the only one who could handle you right ?

He shook his head a bit confused you just wanted him to say that you could handle yourself and didn’t need him right ?

So , why the hell did he feel like he’d done something wrong he wasn’t stupid but he just wasn’t well versed in feelings. He already didn’t know how to handle his own so how was he expected to handle another persons.

To him his words were normal he talked about all people like this hell, he bullied deku for 3 years going as far as to make a special nickname for him

that wasn’t even the worse he could’ve done and you knew that so why was he in trouble and worrying about Icy hot taking his place

He was honestly confused?

Could words really be that hurtful?

could his words really be that hurtful ?

[blackhallow]

I CANT BELIEVE ITS FINISHED ALREADY 😭😭😭 CANT WAIT FOR WHATEVER U HAVE PLANNED NEXT !!!

SUGURU AND MAKI BONDING WAS HONESTLY SO SATISFYING THAT ENTIRE PART WAS VERY SLAY (I GET WHAT U MEAN WHEN U SAID SUGURUS REALLY GOING THROUGH IT)

NOBARA BEING #LOYAL🙏💪💪🔥🔥🔥🔥

yuki's little ducklings 💀 im just imagining those ducks that cross the road woth the milf duck being at the forefront and the ducklings following and then just people road raging in the background because of the traffic

todosistermaki 😍😍😍 (that is all i cannoot express it in words....so my keyboard smash will have to do pojigyuvgedckvogturjnewkgt....hope u got all of that)

nobara and todo might be getting into fights with students at their school (im genuinely assuming abt nobara but tbh it rly sounds like something she would do like she would totally get into a fist fight with someone) but yuki's getting into fights with the parents. every parent-teacher meeting is a nightmare for nobara WAIT I JUST REALISED THE IMPLICATION THAT TODO DROWNS HIMSELF IN AXE BODY SPRAY HELP IM DYING AT THIS 😭😭😭 (SOMETIMES I GENUINELY FEEL CONCERNED BY WHAT YUKI TAUGHT HIM.....THEN AGAIN SHE PROBABLY HAD AN AXE BODY SPRAY PHASE TOO....)

UNSURPRISINGLY THE SIBLING BONDING WAS MY FAVORITE

she rly took her takada shirt off just so that maki wouldnt come to know 😭 todo wanting to marry takada (poor thing was so engrossed by the idea of marrying an idol he sees like maximum once a month idk how often fan greets happen that he didnt notice the way takada made moves on mai 😭😭 maybe one day very far into the future)

OREO STEALING THE SPOTLIGHT AS ALWAYS <333

“Oh so when he wants to cuddle he’s yours but when he’s a problem he’s my son?” 😂😂😂😂😂

KFC???? IN THIS HOUSEHOLD????? NAUR WAY LMFAO (i thought for a second this was abt the satosugu breakup but then i realised its actually a tradition in japan for people to get kfc during christmas HELP)

NOBARA FUMI SAORI REUNION AT LAST !!!!! fumi being unsettled by panda (he probably catches on at some point and starts messing with her on purpose)😭😭 saori not batting an eye like the true city girl she is 💪💪 nobara being very!!!! obvious!!!!! abt maki but its so sweet tbh

(SATORU'S ROMANTIC ESCAPADE BEING TRAUMATIZING FOR HER HELP 💀💀🙏🙏🙏🙏BUT ALSO GOOD FOR HIM I THINK)

I LOVF THE YUKI APPRECIATION IN THIS CHAPTER OMG I STAN OUR CLEANLINESS QUEEN ( I TOO CANNOT STAND THINGS NOT BEING CLEANED IMMEDIATELY I LOVE HER FOR THAT) GETO DESCRIBING HER AS "BEING LIKE A CHILD" 😭

THIS CHAPTER WAS JUST SO SWEET OVERALL OMG

JDHFSJDHSJSJ HELLO YOU ARE VERY SLAY!!!!

It is over and that makes me very sad but reading all of this has made me extremely happy so tyyy <3333 And now I wish I could draw because that image of like Yuki and the kids as ducks crossing a road is going to be forever engraved in my brain and I love that!!!! Omg. She's truly embarrassing yes she is, poor Nobara man she has to deal with that but in return Yuki has to deal with HER so .... idk who is more stressed out.

And omg I was rereading Todo's scenes in the manga right and volume 5's extras say that he always smells nice and it bothers the girls at the Kyoto school and I was just like mmm why would it bother them??? So that's where the axe thing came from kshdfkhasSDJ not to mention the extra also says he's mad at the rule that bans idols from dating because he wants to marry Takada RIGHT NOW (literally Gege's words, not mine) This man is so unserious that girl is clearly gay but anyways. Teenage Yuki having an axe body spray phase... no words. That has killed me. But !!!!!! I'm actually so glad that part was your favorite because I was kicking my feet twirling my hair writing it I found it hysterical sdkfhds

And I wondered if anyone was going to mention stsg with the KFC thing SDHGFASJFGD listen. They have appropriated that in this fandom but I'm taking it back. It's normal ok?

Stoppp Panda messing with Fumi SDHSDJF that is so real. Mannnnn like always your asks just make me laugh my ass off. In regards to Geto and Yuki I am obsessed with the idea that Yuki just has fun in her time off and she's just like. very chill. likes to party. And Geto's like... a boomer who goes to sleep at 7pm and complains about jetlag. LMAO.

ANYWAYS thank you for this!!!!!! Seriously puts a smile on my face :D :D I'm glad you enjoyed it and so happy you take the time to send me these because SDJGEISAKFS

[of-faunsandyellowflowers]

Personal post...again

Tw: rape, eating disorder

And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.

I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.

It goes back to my teen years.

Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.

When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.

The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.

I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.

Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.

She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.

Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.

I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.

The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.

And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.

Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.

Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.

The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.

I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all

I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.

Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.

And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.

Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.

To this day, it's the same.

My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.

I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.

Beyond that though, I'm just tired.

I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.

Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.

Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.

Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.

Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished

Im tired. I just want it to end.

And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.

The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[chocojjk]

Heaven Knows

summary: im not even gonna try, yall know im bad at summaries 

words: 2.7k

a/n: this forreal took me 6 hours i think im burning out ,, also guess what?? its not edited 

you were chilling in your best friends dorm room without him being there, which is honestly just a normal thing

jisung was out with his friends which means he wouldn't be back for a while

apparently they needed to talk to him about something important

“an intervention, they said,” jisung says chuckling

“What would you need an intervention for??”

“I honestly have no clue”

which left you here, all alone, completely bored out of your mind

laying there in his bed scanning his room for something to do when something shiny on top of his desk caught your eye

with the amount of times you've been here before, you have never seen this object

and so your curiosity got the best of you

you walked over and saw that it was a CD, written on it were the words “for you” and a badly drawn heart, the messy handwriting clearly belonging to your best friend

you chuckle at this

you never knew jisung could be this cheesy

turning on his computer, his screensaver, which was a picture of the two of you, lit up the room

you see, you and jisung have been childhood best friends

your parents were best friends which just means that you guys saw each other all the time

but dont get me wrong, they never forced your guys’ friendhsip

the two of you just got along

growing up, you would always be by his side and him yours

you didnt trust anyone as much as you trusted jisung

inputting in the CD, his honey-like voice started filling the air

“hey, its jisung, haha, of course you know that since ive already given this to you”

you let out small chuckle, clearly enjoying how worked up your best friend sounded

you cant help but feel guilty for invading his personal space

but c’mon, it was you and jisung

personal space is a myth when it comes to the both of you

and so you continued to listen

“umm, ive been meaning to tell you this for a while but could never find the words to do so , so uh,, i-i made you a CD with all the songs that makes me think of you”

‘how cute’ you thought to yourself, ignoring the rising jealousy that you were feeling in the pit of your stomach

wait what??

pshh, youre not jealous

why would you be jealous??? he’s just your best friend

‘im just disappointed that he didnt trust me with this,’ you told yourself

yup, thats all, just clear and utter disappointment

jealousy? we dont know her

plus, you had a very loving boyfriend

“ok so this first song is just how i feel whenever we’re together, this is better together by jack johnson”

and as the song filled your ears, you can't help but imagine that this CD was for you

keyword: imagine

jisung has made it very clear that he only saw you as his best friend, heck, maybe even as his sister

you think back to the day where you joked around of a possibility of the two of you

“ji, what if one day you become my boyfriend”

“hahaha y/n, that’s a weird joke”

“why is that so weird??”

“uhm because were just best friends” he replies, stating the obvious

and ever since then you have pushed the thought of you guys as a couple in the back of your head

never allowing your feelings to surface for the boy

your thoughts were interrupted when you heard your best friends sweet voice again

“ok remember when your first boyfriend broke your heart? well this song pretty much sums up how i felt the whole time, and every other time you get in a relationship.”

“I could treat you so much better than them, you know?”

“why can't you see that??? haha,, anyways this is Better by Gabe Bondoc”

damn, whoever this girl was got jisung whipped as fuck

you started wondering who she was and how come jisung never told you about her before

was she part of your friend group? did you know her?

whoever she was, you hoped that she’d wake up soon and realize what a catch your best friend is and that she would have to be the dumbest person alive to not love him back

“okay uhm, were halfway in this playlist now. sometimes i feel like you feel this way too, but i don't know, maybe i'm just being delusional. this is Friends by Ed Sheeran”

okay so clue number 1, this girl is definitely good friends with jisung

what the fuck han jisung

who is she

“if they find out would it all go wrong and heaven knows no one wants it to,”

you dont know why or what happened, but when you heard that line of the song, you cant help but release all the bottled up feelings that youve been hiding

yes, you were in love with your best friend

yes, you got into relationships as a way to get over him

no, it never works

because every time you were left with a broken heart, he was there to piece it all back together

he was there wiping your tears, holding you, singing you cheesy love songs

he was there with his bad jokes that always brings a smile on your face, making you happy, making you whole again

jisung was always there, and you cant escape him

and now as you listen to a playlist not made for you, your heart begins to break

surely if this was for you, he would have given it to you a long time ago

just the mere thought of jisung caring for another girl besides you hurt your heart

you decided that it was time to stop

you scolded yourself for even listening to it in the first place

and so you took the CD out, and put it back where it belong

a couple minutes later, jisung enters his room, seeing your figure seated in front of his computer, your head rested on your hands as your shoulders shook slightly, a sign that you were crying

“hey, are you okay?” he says grabbing your hands, making you look straight into his eyes

“shh it’s okay, im here,” he continues, pulling you into a warm hug

and you can't help but be mad

why the fuck was he being so sweet to you when he’s in love with someone else

han jisung, this is not fair, not fair at all

and then you realized that you were doing the same exact thing

you pushed him away from you, which caused him to stumble back, hitting the desk behind him

“I-i have to go”

“y/n??”

running out of the room, jisung tried to chase after you however,,

“Woah woah woah why are you in such a hurry?”

chan and minho

“I-uh y/n just ran out and i-”

“y/n again?, jisung didnt we just talk about how you should see her less,” minho exclaims

“Yeah, this really isnt healthy for you jisung, you really should stop pining over this girl,” chan continued

“guys, shes my best friend!”

“Ok and she obviously doesnt wanna talk to you if she ran away, dont force yourself in places where you dont belong or youll just get hurt in the end,” the older guys continued

“I-”

“were just looking out for you jisung,” chan finishes

and so with his head drooped down, he made his way back into his room

and then he noticed it,,

the CD

‘fuck fuck fuck’

A million thoughts were racing through jisungs head

he was sure that you've heard it, why else would you react that way when you saw him

god, he should've never made that CD in the first place

was he that much of a coward that he couldnt just tell you he was in love with you in person

and now you know and obviously dont feel the same

‘Great going jisung, you just ruined your relationship with your best friend’

---

its been 3 days and there hasnt been any contact within the both of you

you ended up breaking up with your 4 month long boyfriend

“Its because of jisung huh?”

“i…,”

you racked your brain for a different excuse but then decided to come clean, this boy has always been so sweet to you, the least you could do is be honest with him

“how’d you know?”

“I see the way you look at him y/n, its like youre looking at millions of stars, i always hope you’d learn to look at me that way”

“are you mad?”

he gives you a sad smile, “no.. not at you, i always knew this would happen”

“im really sorry hyunjin”

“Its okay, i wish you and jisung all the happiness in the world”

“thank you,” you reply even though you knew that it wasnt going to happen since he liked someone else 

meanwhile, jisung has locked himself up in his room

he was ashamed of himself for making that playlist

his friends have been asking him to hang out yet all he can do is mope around listening to the stupid songs that he has added and cringing at how dumb his voice recordings sounded

he missed you so much but he was so scared to reach out to you

3 days might not seem like a long time, but with you and jisung, 3 days felt like a whole year

Im not saying that you guys are always glued together, no, thats not the case

But you guys would always text each other

Sending each other memes throughout the day

But now the both of you was just left with silence

It really allowed you both to think

he figured you hated him and never wanted to see him again

So he never expected you to knock on his door

“chan, go away, just leave me here to cry”

“errmm, its not chan”

,,,

,,,

jisungs eyes nearly popped out of his sockets as soon as he heard your voice

and in one quick second he was scrambling to open his door

“you were crying???”

“no”

“whats wrong?”

“nothing, im glad youre here”

“umm, why wouldn't i be?”

“I-i just thought that after the other day, you wouldnt-”

“about that” you say, quickly cutting him off

*gulps*

“can we talk?”

“arent we doing that right now?” jisung jokes but as soon as he saw the nervous expression on your face, he shut his mouth and let you in , closing the door behind him

‘oh god, shes gonna tell me that she never wants to see me ever again’

“im sorry-”

“I didnt mean it-”

“what?”

“what?”

the both of you having confused expressions written on your faces

“You first,” you say

Jisung nervously scratches the back of his head, refusing to meet your gaze

“the - the cd, i,, i didnt mean it” he says but the way he slightly bit his lip afterwards was a clear indication that he was lying

did he forget that he was your best friend? there was really no point in lying to you

however, you just chose to ride along with his little lie

“oh, well then i guess that makes what im about to say easier”

accepting the fact that you were about to break his heart, he nods at you, urging you to go on

“Jisung, im in love with you”

“its okay that you don't like me back, we can still be best friends -- wait...what?” jisung replies quickly, ending his prepared speech

You looked at him, stunned at his sudden confession

“You're in love with me?”

“You like me ??”

damn both of you guys are so dumb i sWEAr

“Well,,,, yeah,,,, didnt you listen to the CD? I literally say your name in it”

(⊙ˍ⊙)

(⊙＿⊙)

(@[]@!!)

“WHEN???”

“After the last song,” he says, like it was the most obvious thing on earth

“I-” you make yourself over to his desk, looking for the CD

as soon as you found it, you plopped it into his computer

“really y/n???? Youre gonna listen to it right in front of me as if i havent been embarrassed enough” he says with a pout

“jisung shuT UP”

you fast forward to the part where you left off of  

“this next song is called Wait for You,, im sure you know this song as we always sing to it toegether, but yeahh ill always be here waiting for the day to come when you finally notice me”

The song begins to play yet you fast forward even more in rapid search of your name

“and, well this brings us to the last song,, god, i really hope you dont hate me right now, if you haven’t guessed by now, im in love with you. I dont know when it started or how it happened, maybe ive been in love with you ever since we were three, i don't know okay. But yeah,,, i fell in love with my best friend, god this is so cliche, but y/n l/n i love you”

you were shocked,,,

but at the same time, you felt like you can finally breathe

he loves you back

Han Jisung fucking loves you back

god reader, if you just stayed and listened until the very end, maybe this au wont be so long my brain cells are disappearing writing this

jisung wasn't making an effort to say something, not even to joke around

he was just sitting on his bed behind you, waiting for you to do something,, anything

we all know by now that he aint going to be the one to make the first move

the last song playing was the only thing that could be heard in the room

until,, you finally turned to face him, wearing the biggest smile on your face

you tackled him unto the bed

“oof”

“you're so annoying,,” you say, hitting him

at this point he has his arms around you as you were sprawled out across his body

“I love you too,” you confess, looking straight in his eyes

jisung doesn't know where he got his newly found courage

But he wasnt complaining as he reached out to your face, finally connecting his lips upon yours

“Ive been wanting to do that for so long”

“Why didnt you?”

“Well, you had a- dklfjasfkasjf,,,,, wait,,,,,, you have a boyfriend???”

And now were back to frantic jisung

“dont worry ji, i broke up with him,” you say a small smile on your lips

“wait, you broke up with him???

are you dumb????

He has like the prettiest face???

And like the nicest lips??

And hes so tall and he can dance so well!!”

“Jisung, if i didnt know any better, i would think you have a crush on him”

“shut up, im just saying,, that man is pReTTY”

“yeah youre right, he has everything i want in a man, maybe i should call him again, tell him i was just kidding about the break up” jisung pouts at this

“uhm, im sorry but you have a boyfriend now so you cant do that”

“oh really?”

“yep”

“who is he ??”

“y/nnn,,” jisung whines

“what?”

“will you be my girlfriend???”

“as long as you make me more CD’s” you say teasingly

“oh shut up”

1 year later

you and jisung are still going as strong as ever, and it was great

it was like you guys were always meant to be together, your relationship being the perfect balance of best friends and lovers 

as you were cleaning out your bedroom, you spotted the CD, still looking as shiny as ever, in between a couple of your books, and you cant help but smile at the memory

you were so lost in your thoughts that you didnt notice your boyfriend enter your room

“babe whats that?”

“oh nothing, just a certain CD that this overly romantic boy made me,”

“oh god, youre never gonna let that go huh”

“I just didnt know you could be THIS cheesy, like you really were symping over me” you say

the CD became an inside joke between the two of you,,,

you would always tease jisung about how cliche it was

“I still cant believe you didnt listen until the end, like what kind of dumbass just starts a playlist and doesnt even listen to the whole thing”

“hey!, youre the one in love with me, so guess whos the bigger dumbass”

a/n: oops another one but the last song is called Best Friend by Jason Chen hehe

[undercut-mcqueer]

i am. honestly at a loss of what to do atm. regarding this whole discord situation. anyway.

cos. my rsd is bad. its probably at its WORST honestly. just. seeing them online atm hurts and i tried to get away from discord, and just appear offline or whatever thinking it would hurt less. but it didnt. it still fucking hurt. it still fucking HURTS.

and im just. so mad at them for no reason?? like. they dont know im feeling this way. its not their fault i’ve got a fucked up brain. 

but like fuck man. is it that hard to drop in and say hi?? especially since.. im p fucking sure they’re still talking to each other a ton.

i kinda dont wanna just. give in and message first. but im p sure if i dont at this rate im just gonna end up hurting myself more. but what the fuck do i even say? i cant just fuckin act like things are fine cos theyre not. but i dont wanna be depressing af, as usual.

like. im so tempted to just. drop a “what am i doing wrong”. but idek at this point. just wish i had a normal fucking brain so this shit wouldnt bother me. and im so fucking scared of just reaching out cos the piece of shit from my old server would just SHIT on me whenever i expressed how things were making me feel. sure i wasnt diagnosed with adhd at the time, and i didnt know it was rsd making me feel so bad. but does that make that shit any less valid? no it fucking doesnt. and FUCK YOU to the cunt that now makes me afraid to speak up about my feelings, in fear of being shit on.

anyways. sorry for the long ass vent i guess. things just. arent getting better atm. and im prolly gonna end up needing to try new meds, cos the higher dose doesnt seem to be effective hhhh

just wish that it wasnt always that whenever i need people the most, theyre just never fucking there.

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

[uygmoeb]

Ah thank you! I like think I'm good with English but the struggle of being bilingual and your brain just likes to give you a blue screen error and you sit there wondering what the word is in either language lol (I have respect for people that know like 4!) But yeppers, welcome to my family where we do things slightly last minute and then there is chaos in the kitchen xD 10/10 fun times

Right!? Like I remember he was like this small lil bean that was like a puppy, wouldn't hurt a fly and then suddenly he just had a pokemon evolution moment going from charmander to charzard in like God knows when lolol of course im not saying thats a bad thing, I just find the character development so funny, like it happened right under our noses and honestly good for him! Love his chaotic, talented self. Same, same. I do like to be slightly up to date with my favs but I only have recently been more deeper into the moa fandom if you will? So I am aware of some stuff like I know kai participated in some song making for their recent album and it makes me feel happy seeing them take on producing or writing because hey, that shiz isn't easy! Even they didn't, doesn't mean txt aren't talented! (Like their dancing alone can knock me out to the moon like who debuts with songs like crown, blue orangeade AND cat and dog and make the dancing look smooth!? Kings only)

Tldr stan txt for a better life *sips tea*

But yes I did! I wanted to get a good start ahead because I am sadly a lazy potato and didn't want to have things last minute and not have your gift be nice :c so I worked on it Sunday all night with my intel and it is saved, ready to be posted. I won't say much other than that, you sadly must wait until Christmas. But...but *blushies* pleassee no omg I am a simple potato! Hdhahshs I am not worthy of such kind words, if anything i want to shower you with kind words because its been super fun talking with ya! Like it is my 3rd year joining stuff like this but I never chatted so much with someone and I am very happy because like I am talking with an awesome sauce person! I mean, this blog alone is fabulous (I just realized your name is beomgyu but backward hjshdjs genius omg) so I hope we can chit chat after this in the future auggie (I hope I spelled your name correctly? Please slap me with a fish if not jdjsjds)

i wish i still had it in me to learn a second language not gonna lie hskfhks i remember the basics of spanish from 3 years of classes but like.. i wish i could pick it up and learn more but idk it's harder for me now not to mention the very, very little and basic korean i taught myself LMAO so the fact u can speak two languages is awesome ! and it seems to me ur english is rlly rlly good, honestly would've assumed it was ur first language if u hadnt said anything bc of how good it is

a pokemon evolution but beomgyu version please hskfjsl u explained it so perfectly with just that BUT YEAH i still can't believe that that was their debut like wow.. the songs down to the choreo.. they rlly set the bar high for themselves and they've done nothing but surpass it each time and yeah i like to keep up to date if i can, and i've been doing a better job lately but i just love so many groups it can be difficult and then stuff starts to slip thru the cracks yknow? but i'm out here. trying my best regardless. it also doesnt help that i.. dont like to read things hslfsjjf so like,, if there’s a written post update and it's longer than like, 4 big paragraphs i probably wont read it and one day that will be the death of me bc i'll miss something really important or something

ok ok i'm like.. almost half way done with mine now after starting it hskfhks i'm pretty quick but somehow i didn't notice how close the deadlines were ??? i think it's just bc i've been doing so much but eh it's ok,, wouldnt be the first time i procrastinated smth important on accident skfhsk and its ok, i'm willing to wait !! i am super excited and looking forward to see what u made tho!!! but oooh ok so u've done this kind of gift making stuff before, and u must like it to keep doing it right? i think i'm just discovering my love to gift people things this year lol i might just keep making gifts throughout the year for everybody bc i just.. wanna give stuff to people it makes me happy i've noticed and lmao ur not the only one who took a min to realize it was beomgyu backwards, but i too thought it was kinda genius ngl

:(((( yes pls i would love to keep talking to u after and u rlly just proved my point by saying everything u did, like u genuinely may be one of the sweetest people i've ever talked to <3 and yeah dw u got my name right!! even if u spelled it wrong big deal it wont bother me, call me whatever and i'll accept it hskfhsk

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too. 

[misterbitches]

i like your optimism! i need more of that. it’s funny cos idk if u watched ITSAY but i was like wow ppl r panicked for no reaosn no one is gonna die but if there’s a chance of fucking the cool satire story up im like cshaking in fear!

i think that the noises are a funny thing bc while i am distracted partially bc of my background, the show is good enough for us to like accept it. for me like. the gulping thing is nitpick-y from a technical standpoint but they wouldnt necessarily have to take it out. and if it works for some people, it works! i  may not like it but it is the choice they made (UNLIKE ALL THE FUCKING EDITING MISTAKES OF THE VISUALS thats like a film school 101 u problem SIR idk who is editing it can u tell im mad1!!!)

oh also i think the sound editing is actually fine i am sooooo tickled actually bc sound in thai dramas has gotten so much better and i was soooo surprised at how crisp and clean it sounded? like i mentioned with the visuals as well. but i am not a sound editor so i can only go off of my brain. it could be done soooooo badly LMAO. the noise thing is def not a make or break and thats rly good bc there’s things that will take you away from a work immediately bc theres nothing else to justify whats pissing u off or nagging at you to stick around. thank god this show is telling us to enjooooy the ride. 

 IA wwww youuuuuuuuuuuuu still enjoyin it. i mean u saw how mad i got at that cut right like. if it were anything else i would have fucking quit. i was that appalled LMAOOOO but i was like ILL DO IT BUT JUST COS UR FUN AND FUNNY 

i agreeee im so confused ppl r saying he’s polarizing but im like, why?? so far we see him as a really sad young kid. that scene with tiffy was really good! (i also dont say this often in this genre!!!) i cant imagine not like...idk. i felt like hes so ridiculous but ur like. holy fuck man. ur lonely as fuck. if that were me i may not have made it through that night, you know? i like your idea btw!!!! i mean in gen but talso that’s a good point about him needing it to suceed for money. in fact that makees sooooo much more sense bc he clearly doesnt like thailand and wants to do cooking in FR and its like.........he couldnt possibly think sib would make that move for him, right? good point!

and yea  im always intersted to see how far ppl push it and then seeing it and what they could have done or saying its cowardice. parasite is a really good example of the symbiotic (this is my new fav word and idek if im readin git right) rship with like art and capitalism. and idek if id say BL would be “art” but in the broad sense of the word it would be i guess? idk im pretentious

thats awesome! i love it! we need more of you!!! no really bc a lot of polsci ppl are not. ummmmmmmm this is stupid but do u watch hasan piker? he was a poli sci student idk if u know him if u dont hes a popular leftist / bredtuber but pretty radical and hes evolved. interesting dude. ur background reminds me of him :) ive been following him for so long and i just went with my feeling and hes messed up but he has changed a lot too and i feel like i went on the journey with him. so clearly we know people have the intense capacity to change. they have to be open and to want it!! i honestly feel like leftist when not being awful which we are it’s like the most open minded you can be. its’ so freeing and fun when we dont get bogged down by tankies or other shit or annoyances. idk. i think that’s so cool. and i realize u dont care if i think thats cool and im probably veyr old compared to you.

thanks soooo much for replying it makeks me feel betetr. idk if you are in undergrad but if you are i hoep you can get to school from HOME iand if ur american and u cant i am so sorry our country sucks. fummmmmand that you and yours are doing okay and if you dont have the vaxx i hope you can soon. also dude oihugahijok[jipahgjokp ugh man i wish i could follow ppl on a fuckin side account the fuckin memes the fuckin left memes on ur page eveyrhting WE LOVE TO LAUGH bc when ur Third Eye is open u need levity 4 the pain (oh my fucking god im joking and also holy shit lmao) ur fuuuun sry for being patronizign and also talking a lot/ :)

——————

beyodn this it’s a wall of bullshit and ould be totally not pertinent to you so dont even bother lmaoooooo

 ive been thinking a lot about like societal implications and work cos there was some dumb book drama on twitter. escapism has such good merits but i feel like....how do i say this. we want to expect things to come in like two values; meaning and no meaning. so for escapism people equate that with mindlessness but, no, it’s a creation of a world that acknowledges the flaws of everyone and creates this world that takes you to a place where it still exists. there is no utopia. 

the other thing is there’s like..ok first of all lmao i tried to like make a video on something and i just got burned out. i stopped and i almost started to cry bc i was just sooooo tired of thinking. afte rbeing online for a long time i needed to get the fuck off for HOUUUUURS and not every post i/we make is gonna be some big statement. i havent even really talked abt any of the shootings that have happened and ive read literally one article on it. and that’s things that are soooo seirous and that i care about but it’s like yea im not thinking we need to be so sad all the time or whatever. god im losing steam right now im so sorry.

my point abt that is like i think ppl think that ur ALWAYS on ur oh boooo bla bla ethics grind. when we know that we can’t be! and there are very unfun people aoon ~all sides~ like just awful leftists and also not fun and cant laugh. which sucks. life is hilarious. the more i see something and want to talk about it, the more i lean in. then when i dont want to, i get out. i recomppose. i feel like people think im operating on some 24/7 agenda like, no, because that could kill me? and when i get to engage with a work as an artist or with my stupid thoughts im like oh man i gotta get it all out. 

and that’s it. no one is telling ppl (im not saying that ur saying this btw!!) they cant turn their brain off or not be one way or another. but it’s funny that when these ideas are introduced there’s an equation of like......the work with the individual who likes it. totally having their blinders on. i kept seeing people say “they want everyhing to be perfect and they dont know that ppl are complicated” and this was in relation to tharntype but people say it all the time. it’s like are you that fucking stupid that you dont understand how the human brain works? are we fucking robots? i swear i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them. and the fucking thing is this is what i cant stand. this is the motherfucking kicker.

neoliberalism individualism WHATEVER im an IDIOT and i am TIRED but all those things have made it SOOOOOOOOOO easy for us to like....be so fuckign vague. be okay with VAGUE sources and anecdotal evidence. be ok with things out of context. like the plethora of comments about seeing “POC” in these shows which is honestly just fucking inaccurate and is affecting the reading of the show and they talk about good progress and “progressive” things and not being problematic but they cannot name a single motherfucking thing. it’s not that theyre not smart it’s just that all ppl do is dip their toes in. so when i see theat and i feel like speaking and if it’s annoying enough (or i just want to engage in gen!) im just lie........we’re meeting from two totally diff purposes.

god to round out this fuckin bullshit i bet a convo between u and i would be a lot more fucking fun and funny and lighthearted and not serious at all then it would be with the user who foudn out what problematic means on twitter like 4 yrs ago but doesnt know fucking anything about like actual people in thailand for exxample like actually gay artists or filmmakers or wonen u know (oh heres another thing: asking for women in bl? why. seriously....and i knoooooowwwww our beliefs are diff but im just ilke ok here’s an alternate um...opinion.)

mate i am so sorry idk what the fuck i am saying i am drinking ive been so anxious. i looooove head empty. i am always head empty. adhd IS head empty. and then it’s get everything out at once. theres SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to enjoy both when there’s probelms and without and even a way to enjoy thinking critically abt something too when u want to! it’s this lie that we cant be functioning human beings with actual nuanced thoguht that goes beyond apologizing for dumb shit or just...not fucking demanding goddamn ANYTHING. tahts’ another thing like goddamn i never knew ppl were so pasive?????/ maybe it cos im black but im like lmao um guys ok i guess? if i feel uncomfortable abt sth (nubsib being invasive!!!) im gonna say it. and even then we know why it’s sort of acceptable in this context that nubsib is LITERALLY fucking weird and what he’s doing is not okay. in the trop and the world they set up it technically is but shit we need to come up with something new then for this outcome. there’s a way to get there. 

wuickly i will reiagine a scene

sib: hello gene: hi sib: my closet sprung a leak bla bla (begs to move in)

all that could be done without us being privy to some sort of truth (i have read spoilers so idk but anyways))  so it feels less weird and it’ssomething we are more inclined to forgive. ok that fib. but the kissing part was actually really not great if you put your head to the fucking grindstone. it’s a contradiction of what they wrote. ironically with every second they drag themselves (when they dont mean to_ and thats not bad to point out. in fact it’s funny bc the show is good right but it’s also like lol. no. ethical. consumption. u know. so we just discuss it when we feel its pertinent!!!! or we want to!!!!!!! but if we were gonna specifically talk about his actions then fuck yea ppl gotta USE THEIR BRAAAAINSSSSS. it’s always so fucking VAGUE like oh this is happening and heres how it makes ME feel instead of the braoder implications or fuck even from a fucking artistic perspective. here is a motherfucking truth: if hyou’re going to take money and energy from the world you could fucking TRY to make something that we want in our eyeballs holy fucking shit and a lot of these programs fucking FAAAAIL EVEN THE WAY PPL JUDGE THE ACTING? oh my god i am so sorry holy shit ive just had so many thoughts and so feewwwww peopl esort of understand where i am coming from. 

when where ur eyes linger was airing i wrote soooo much abt a class and race analysis both as a black woman and then what i know about korea. pointing out what i liked and going on my feeling. if im unsure of something, i try to look it up and see how my worldview affects it but im soooo tired of cultural relativism too. an “oh it’s different over there” as human beings we have fucking thumbs okay it is distinct to us so there is obviously a base fucking moral code and idea of freedom that eveyrone in the world has—it has to be. why are you so incapable of forming decisions bc of being unsure when information is readily available to you? so in the end where does the convo lead?

another good ex omg i was so happy. someone was tlaking about the husband/wife thing and i responded and we all got along and idk it was so cool to see people go “wow ok im thinking a lot” bc i get that from others and idk :(  nnot everything is serious but i sooooooo badly just want people to stop relying on the same things and calling it progress. i cant take much more of the shallowness. and thats probably bc so many ppl hav eblocked me for my ideas ;-; ok im not like widly unpopular i swear but i be tryna rb someone and im like jesus do i even know you?  conveniently from ppl who [redacted]

this is why ppl need to know me irl like i am the same person irl but i talk way less bc im going “erm uh ah hm um” and i dont remember then i get tired. ike after 2m iw ill just stop talking. and also if im hungry u cannot get a word out of me. and also if im tired and need to be alone. i type so much fucking more than i talk esp during  apndemic. most ppl would call me withholding if they didnt know me from the itnernet LMAO. also i got my second wind halfway through this post my adrenaline was like remember those stimulants u took earlier bc u have adhd well we’re back 

Hi! Thank you so much. Lately I've been feeling extra unintelligible like an alien communicating with others. Does wonders for my selfie steam!

Yessss! You know what I mean! It's like a fine line between getting it right. Setting up some solid foundations but can they follow through? And critically what can we expect? Many times, it's even better if a work has flaws so their next time could be better. And we just talk abt what could have been done.

I am the same as you! Do you have thoughts on Aey?

I tend to exist in my bubble so thanks for hearing me out! I feel like how i choose to live my life and what i believe in isnt as conventional yet but idk. I get really bummed sometimes cos im like idk talking too much but not too many ppl talk about this stuff like this and it kills me sometimes cos ive heard refuse to read or engage critically and i dont really get it. I mean I do but the thing is that analysis has always been huge!??? I dont understand why politics and society would constantly stay on the periphery. I cant understand why we wouldnt talk about society and capitalism in a show that, intentional or no, rests on constant poking!

I wont stop! And i dont want to sound silly. I just really need to see more radical ppl in the soace. Everyone join so we can bang our revolution drums together as we while about BL--the ULTIMATE society dealbreaker!

@flootweed

[lunarmoonacnh]

i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight 

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio 

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog 

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh 

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive 

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad. 

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit 

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique  

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser 

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school 

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me 

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose 

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them 

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius 

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed 

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned 

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11 

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea 

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3 

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee 

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long 

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother  

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale 

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

[samanthasroberts]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/22/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

[askinfortroublee]

Im so bored and geeked holy crap. Do people even still use this? I know i dont but social media is at the point where no matter how many times i refresh theres nothing new because everyones asleep. Why did i take adderall and drink coffee at 9 pm? Idk?? Guess i thought my homework would take longer. Anyways i hope i dont fail my math test tomorrow that would suck i already failed the class once oops. Still wondering who got me sent to standards/what video theyre referring to. Guess ill find out soon enough. Got another hot date with mike tomorrow hope i dont choke on my food like last time. Im not sure if he noticed though. Also i think my shoulders broken cuz me and jackson got into a bit of a tussle but thats okay cuz i punched him in the face. He busted my windshield tho, its ok cuz my dad got me a new one. #gloup. Jeez theres so many thoughts in my head legit i hate adderall for some reason i thought the same sentence over and over on repeat for like 30 minutes before even realizing it was happening. Why is everyone asleep? Why is it exam week? Why does my hd teacher have to take attendance? Should i email the snam lady back about my probation hours probably. Or ill call my dad in the morning. Anyways im thinkin bout switchin up my hair style. I wont be a teen much longer my next birthday is the big 20 so might as well switch my shit up ya know. I hope to god nobody is reading this. Maybe i should get up and do laundry nobody will be down there. But also im so comfy so prolly not also usually wednesdays they cook us bacon im really lookin forward to that. This is so entertaining honestly. I think i have cancer or diabetes though im prolly gonna get a physical when i come home from college. I should prolly work out too my body has gone quite downhill the past year or so. Prolly cuz i was dating pat and had nobody to look good for. Its ok ill get back on the #gains grind. Im so excited to see chris clements omg whata cutie pie i miss his hugs. Also my mom is so mad at me that she uninvited me from her birthday party how hateful is that..??? And its the weekend before finals so its dead in alabama. Fuck it who needs birthday parties not me ill just study and drink beer. Emmas coming to visit me this weekend thats really exciting i hope she enjoys bama. Who wouldnt tho its the tits shes gonna have a seizure in the boomboom room i almost did the first time i went in that shit. Oh gosh what if i lose her.. thatd be bad but shes more responsible than me. Im a total wanderer. we have a date party next week but i cant go cuz im on bad standing so im hoping all my friends decide not to go and then we can do tshirt tuesday. If not i can go do tshirt tuesday with mike though and then we'll have a sleepover. Hes lotsa fun super super hot. My stomach rlly hurts but its too cold to reach for the tums. Someone read this and remind me to go to the tanning bed tomorrow. This is such a long paragraph. I wonder if my friend carly is awake. She has tons of snacks and i bet would give me sleeping medicine. Its 4:15 i have class at 10 and a test at 12 this rlly is so unfortunate. I rlly wish i had a beer. Maybe if i drink a handle ill just passout and wont be tired in the morning. Wow now i just had the sad thought that i only have 2 weeks left in bama. Like what the FUCK. I thought highschool went by fast but this is next level shit. And its so much better. Like yall i am such a better person now and my friend group is so wonderful i am 100% thriving. thank god im not one of those people who goes to college and hates it and transfers to be with their hs friends cuz they never make new ones. Like yall this is the best place ever. I want to live here over the summer but also that would require homework and my brain is very close to just like shutting off. My teacher asked me a question the other day and all i could do was stare at him for a minute and then say "i honestly have no clue what u said or how to answer at this moment" and he just laughed and moved on. Everyone in hs says college professors are gonna be so mean and shit but really they do not give af what u do honestly. Ok my fingers hurt goodnight

[triplemixedpd]

8/12/20, 1:34am - i wouldnt dare

~text or tell anybody about my new life because at the moment, it consists of things like indulging in squishmallows and fidget toys, and the highlights of my week are either creating/redesigning a new oc or doing chores ~i dont have a job, i dont have a drivers license, but wow i dont even have a personality; literally how the fuck can i talk to anybody else when i dont know how to talk to them??? i hesitate to talk because when i texted danny to try and catch up and tell them about my surgery, i got screamed at and cried at, and then told “i cant do this; i need to sit in the back seat for a bit.” and, i got this reaction for.. doing nothing. literally, nothing. she told me that she thought i was mad at her the entire two months. but, i was texting anna??? they knew i wasnt dead??? and i texted danny on 6/23??? im, sorry??? im sorry ~dude i wish i literally wasnt so blatantly autistic. ~i cant process emotions when i desperately need to, i struggle to understand what i do wrong, i seem to do or say something wrong, or i say something that seems worrying, or just different, to others; i laugh at stupid and repetitive shit, i eat fucking childrens food, i repeat things like im fucking rain man, and im a fucking EMBARRASSMENT!!!  ~i feel like ive disconnected from reality and people as a whole, bc for the past few months ive just delved into my partner, me, our mental health, and our trolls.   ~but at the same time, its nothing new; this isnt new day-to-day conversation. it just happens to be all day, everyday now, in person- something that ive never had with capp before. as opposed to only getting to text them while also juggling everything else; school, family, schoolwork, mental health ~dude, being fake is hard ~ive realized just how fake i am because i dont remember how to talk to anyone else, and seeing how graant reacted just by me trying to literally text them “how are you doing? i miss you!”, im kind of fucking like??? “well??? guess i shouldve just stayed dead honestly???” ~a lot of my day to day consists of thinking/talking about our ocs and plot, drawing, watching shows/movies and playing games, and literally just trying to fucking stay afloat; that last past including a lot of abrupt, sudden suicidal thoughts and crippling fucking self-esteem, paired with hypersensitivity. that is not me being “boohoo poor me sensitive baby :(”, that is the textbook description of what i experience. thats not exactly conversation material with others ~because of melissas reaction and dannys reaction ive felt very unsure of myself  - im unsure if i did the right thing or not  - i dont know what i shouldve done differently, or where i messed up  - i feel like a terrible person, an awful person  - im upset at myself because i get really really confused by people and their expectations, or what they want me to say or do;  - i wonder if im currently displaying the textbook definition of the borderline symptom “impulsive ending relationships”  - and subsequently, im wondering if im thinking rationally; its kind of scary to not know, because i hate myself when im fucking splitting* ~i see that theyre upset, and from experience, i know that they require alone time when stressed. so when theyre stressed, and im the source of the stress, i leave to give her space. and what does THAT equal??? “YOU NEVER TAKE INITIATIVE TO MAKE THINGS UP” “I’M TIRED OF BEING THE ONE THAT FIXES EVERYTHING” ~WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD?????” ~I WAS LITERALLY TERRIFIED TO REACH OUT TO ANYONE??? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY????? “GOOD MORNING DANNY I JUST SUDDENLY WANTED TO SLIT MY CHEST BECAUSE I SAID SOMETHING STUPID IN A THROWAWAY CONVERSATION AND IT EARNED A SLIGHT CHANGE OF TONE FROM MY PARTNER THAT I INTERPRETED AS AN ‘I HATE YOU’ VIBE [WHEN THATS ACTUALLY NOT THE CASE ITS JUST ALL IN MY DUMBASS INFERIORCOMPLEX-HEADASS HEAD]”???????? ~IT’S A LITERAL SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT ME AND ALL OF MY BAGGAGE IS A FUCKING BURDEN!!! I CANT ENTERTAIN, CONVERSATE, OR FUNCTION WHEN IM EXHAUSTED, AND RECENTLY??? MY BRAIN IS MAKING ME SO SO TIRED ~BUT MY PARTNER DOESNT JUDGE ME OR MIND MY RAMBLINGS ABOUT TROLLS OR MY REPETITIVENESS OR FIDGETING GODDAMN IT!! I DONT HAVE TO HOLD BACK OR WATCH WHAT I SAY LIKE HOW I DID EVERYDAY IN TEXAS!!! ~I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG!!! ~”IM SORRY THAT I WAS SO EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND, DARE I SAY, MENTALLY ILL, THAT I NEGLECTED TO MESSAGE YOU AND TALK”

“I! CAN’T! DO! THIS! ANY! MORE!”

 - *either too cruel or too nice, too aggressive or too passive, too rough or too soft, im too sensitive/serious or “i need to learn to take a joke”, im either a disrespectful and ungrateful brat or the best goddamn trophy-tranny kid on the planet, i either really REALLY love someone or think “oh my god im gonna have to prepare to cut them out of my life so much that its already happened in my head”  ~im scared that maybe im worse than i think i am, and i just dont know it; ive never told anyone the full extent of my symptoms. i guess thats why im seeing a psychologist, right?