#part of my goal with rereading this fic is to reconnect myself with who i was while i was writing it.

[orcelito]

Just finished rereading ITNL chapter 2 again

Yknow, it's long felt like a weaker chapter to me, especially compared to chapter 1. It's a Necessary chapter, but it's basically an entire chapter of introspection. Add in the fact that I wrote it in a single day and was half falling asleep by the end of editing it, but pressing onwards anyways bc I wanted So Badly to get it out that night...

The Legato part was the weakest for that. I remember staring at it and breaking my brain just trying to make it sound better before just giving up and posting. But when I worked on my full-fic re-edits about.. a year ago now? A year and a bit. I think it was October ish of 2023. But I focused on that part again, trying to get it up to my standards to be satisfied with it.

Coming back to it after some number of months, my brain relatively fresh, I think I actually did a pretty decent job. Despite being an introspective chapter, it really drives home how Wrecked vash is about it all. I like to say that chapter 1 is like a thesis to the fic, where you get vash's goals laid out pretty clearly (him picturing the things he wants to fix + him picturing his dream of having all the people he loves around a table with him, including Knives. It serves as motivation for him jumping back in time in the first place and it remains his driving force throughout the fic). In contrast, chapter 2 is... almost a secondary thesis. We see his doubt, his fears, his panic. We see the things that he's going to be struggling with throughout the whole fic. His wish to handle it all on his own, as well as how overwhelming it all is to him. Chapter 2 is the necessary second side to chapter 1's thesis, showing the weakness in his own strength and drive.

The cracks in his own unstoppable force.

Idk it's just interesting to me. Having been away from it long enough, I think I really do appreciate chapter 2 after all.

[alpha--niner]

I feel like I should make some things uh. known? i guess? Starting with the easy shit

i’m going to be going through this blog soon and deleting some of the pointless text posts. should make it a lot easier for people who actually view the blog to see the chapter posts and not just my bullshit

Please send me reminders to set up the Giants/Kings/Gods playlist on spotify so that I’ll actually do it. 

I plan to update before Christmas, or if that fails, before the new year.

I want to write things for other fandoms too, mainly fallout, but I can get into that later. if you’re interested, though, feel free to let me know.

and now please click ‘read more’ for a long explanation and apology for my absence and failure at writing

like alright look.

I spent October and November thinking I had last updated in May. I was wrong. I last updated in fucking April. It’s been so long since I updated, I could have had a child by now - an early birth, but still you get the point I’m trying to make, right? I fucked up. bad. stopped writing entirely for a long time. 

I should have had an update during the summer. I should have two, to be quite honest. instead, I played Overwatch and talked about Fallout and set up a Fallout 4 rp with a friend instead of working on my stories. for all my complaining about writing being hard and my being unable to do it, I sure as hell can get myself to sit down and write a rp reply in under 15 minutes. 

so what’s stopping me?

quite simply,

I think I burnt myself out. I don’t like to admit it, but it’s probably what happened. I started writing lolix when season 12 was out and by early season 13, I had this monster of a fic in the works and now... now I just don’t know. I love Felix, and I love Locus, and I love that they were included but I hated the way they ended and the bullshit Miles Luna wrote for them at the end ‘cause it made no fucking sense. I still haven’t watched anything past Sharkface’s death in season 13 because I hated the ending that much when I heard about it. I haven’t seen season 14 at all. I don’t care. 

tbh, the only thing I watch from RT right now is RWBY and the occasional letsplay video. 

not enjoying the source material had a huge impact on the story itself. I have plans for it, I have goals, and I have this want to finish it and let you guys see how insufferably ridiculous they get after a crucial point in Gods. but I don’t have the need to do it anymore. I want to write and I feel like I should because I owe you guys so much just for sitting down and taking the chance to read this. 

I bragged once about having several of my works on the top page of the lolix ao3 tag when you sorted by wordcount. and that’s the truth. it probably still is the truth, idk, I don’t read a lot of lolix now.

that’s another source of my issues. I used to read a lot of it. I was picky about which works I really liked, but I’d look for new stuff and read it and reread fics I liked, and last time I checked, there was very little that I liked. it makes me feel like... if I don’t like what’s currently up there, why would I want to write more. or something like that. it’s a bullshit complicated thing, but it ties into the whole ‘needing an audience’ thing. ‘cause let’s get one thing straight: 

I started this fic for myself and a friend.

I continued it for everyone reading it, because I wanted to share this stupid idea that got way out of hand with everyone who wanted to see it.

I want to finish it for myself and for all of you, but I am trying so hard and failing constantly to find the drive for it. I love all the comments and feedback, and how people seemed to be so genuinely excited last time I actually updated. there’s a part of me that will always want more attention and more comments and more feedback, but for every one I’ve gotten, I was never more happy then when they came in. 

I’m sorry I haven’t updated. it’s been rough, for a while, at least.

in late August, I lost internet. for two and a half months. I didn’t realize until early November that I had the google docs app on my phone, but by then my phone was so shitty and prone to freezing that I wouldn’t have been able to load the modern au doc even if I tried - that doc sits at 80 pgs or so currently

when I got internet back in mid-November, I played Overwatch and Destiny 2 and reconnected with friends, set up ways for youtube followers to contact me, streamlined some things on yt, and then fell into a pattern. wake up, play games, edit videos, occasionally write but only rp replies. 

I’ve failed so hard at being the author I want to be, and all my focus has got into videogames. I will never have a career in videogames, I know that logically, and I know that I could actually realistically make money writing. I know I’m good enough. 

I’m sorry this has gotten so rambly. I didn’t mean for it to be. I just wanted to lay things out straight with everyone that cares about my story and the two idiots in it, for everyone that still wants to read it, for anyone that has found it since April and wondered why I haven’t posted. I don’t want to abandon it. I already did that to the zombie au, I refuse to let it happen this time. 

I may have had some obstacles, and I may have burnt myself out long ago, but I think I can be refreshed for it. I reread it not too long ago, I wrote a bit not even a week ago, and I know that some of the scenes I have planned for Gods and later on in Kings are amazing and well worth me writing down. 

I will update for you all. I promise. Just... bare with me. and my procrastination and lack of drive or whatever the hell you wanna call it. I am trying and I will try and I really do want to finish this monster for all of you.

with that in mind, if you did read all of this, can you just let me know if you still want super long megapacked chapters? it’s kind of like.. my thing now, to only post when everything I want in a chapter is complete. but you’d get more frequent uploads if I posted a couple bits as a chapter here, and another few there.

‘a couple bits’ may add up to roughly 10 pages or so? it’d depend. 

up to you guys, really. i don’t mind digging for song lyrics to match what i post for you, so long as you’d appreciate it and enjoy reading.