#and big personal decisions in my life
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I’ve only watched half the stream so far and I’m LOVING IT!!!!!!! I’m also attempting to donate but it’s being a bitch lol I’ll keep trying
#I’ve been sooooo crazy busy today#lots of work related phone calls going on#and big personal decisions in my life#anyway happy birthday Phil
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#just a little mental health check in mostly for myself just to write it down#I'm in a weird place#in some regards I've been doing really well lately#I've been more social which always does wonders for my mental health#on the other hand a couple weeks ago I was home alone for a couple days and I was so stir crazy I almost couldn't handle it#I've actually been happy with my body for the last few months and I haven't had any anxiety about food nor have I attempted any restrictions#that's been a big bonus#I'm having a lot of trouble with decisions lately. I'm second guessing everything to a stressing degree#I feel like a bad person for reasons I can't totally pinpoint. like I think I'm manipulating everyone but to what end I can't tell#and there's a part of me that knows this is irrational but I can't shake it#it's so weird being aware that I'm doing so well in many regards#but I'm also able to feel myself slipping into types of paranoia that I know I'm suseptible to#today's been better but for the last few days my heart rate has been noticeably high (which says a lot because it is generally high)#it's caused unease#I don't know if I really have a point to typing any of this out#I'm feeling fine overall. I'm happy with my life right now. I have plenty of things to look forward to in the near and further future#I can just tell something is a little off and I think it might be beneficial to my future self to write this out for sake of timeline#I really need to start tracking my period because it totally might be that. or you know. I have OCD and anxiety is just a part of my life#who knows. it could be a mix or nothing or everything#I don't think anyone's reading this whole thing lol but if anyone does I do want to leave the reassurance that I'm fine and I'll be fine#like I said. just keeping an eye on myself.#oh I thought of another positive thing! I've been way less freaked out about chemicals lately! that's a nice note to end this on!#ashley rambles
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i think the real victim of the ending of fool's fate is molly, who is inevitably going to have her husband of however many years, stepfather to her 8 children, break it to her that he needs to leave for an indeterminate amount of time to go save the world with his best friend that she has never met and doesnt know that much about who it turns out is his literal soulmate
#i think in the process of trying to secure a simple and peaceful heterosexual life for fitz the fool kind of fucked over poor molly#who#even if he had never returned#would. surely EVENTUALLY figure out the whole “hes half of my soul” thing#poor molly is just gonna eventually find out fitz has a soulmate and its not her#its this strange twink who made an elective decision to fuck off and let ur husband go be with you#with the energy of someone releasing a wild animal they reared by hand to go live free with its own kind#i doubt fitz ever told her cause i think he thinks its irrelevant#but the fool maybe shouldve considered the eventuality that fitz ever casually drops that the fool is like half of his soul#and theyre the same person and had a bond more intimate than any romantic relationship#to this woman who#broke up with him#because he was too loyal to#the king#he wasnt even IN LOVE with the king it was just taking up a lot of his time. girl is not gonna be cool with this#estarriol mute this#rote liveblog#i just want molly and the fool to meet. i have no idea whats gonna happen i just want it.#were it not for the fitz thing i think theyd get along great#but the whole “you are my husbands one true love” “you are the reason i cant be with my one true love”#might get in the way#also i wonder if the name exchange thing does make them married and if she'll ever find out abt that#there is a large chance that in the fitz and the fool trilogy molly and the fool find out that fitz is married to the fool#and just#never mentioned he did that to them bc he didnt think it was a big deal
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thank you to @bhagell!! choose and then tag people you want to get to know better <3
coffee or tea | early bird or night owl | chocolate or vanilla | spring or fall | silver or gold | pop or alternative | freckles or dimples | snakes or sharks | mountains or fields | thunder or lightning | egyptian mythology or greek mythology | ivory or scarlet | flute or lyre I opal or diamond | butterflies or honeybees I macarons or eclairs | typewritten or handwritten | secret garden or secret library I rooftop or balcony | spicy or mild | opera or ballet | london or paris | vincent van gogh or claude monet | denim or leather | potions or spells | ocean or desert | mermaids or sirens | masquerade ball or cocktail party
tagging: @whitenikes @catboy-mahura @gordiemeow @songsandswords @2minutes4yeehawing (if y’all haven’t already) and anybody who wants to participate!!
#alexandra i DO blame you for showing me the bold both cross out or option because i’ve never made one decision ever. in my life#liv in the replies#thank you 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💕💕#feeling incredibly yappy. ama tbh. also i used my powers for evil (hormonal cycle of productivity & i wrote ???k of dj harls fic INSTEAD of#literally anything else i wanted to write (chipping away at my plotless old man broadcaster yaoi. [redacted plotless o1u??]. ANY other fic)#replies will be coming tomorrow i am queuing SO many things i was catching up on wingies Content because of watching the stadium series#which OOOOOOO DON’T GET ME STARTED OKAY but anyway! anyway! it’s fine.#do i LIKE being a night owl? no i am infinitely more productive in the morning and also feel the same getting up at 4AM or 10AM so#however because i revenge bedtime myself and because it is past midnight now we’ll call it a night owl.#i do wear both silver & gold bc it’s w/e matches the outfit best… no idea which one is best for my skin tone i just have more silver rings#i have freckles!! i love both on other people though#I LOVE SNAKES AND SHARKS ARE YOU KIDDING MEE THAT’S SUCH A MEAN QUESTION TO ME PERSONALLY (has a snake) (has worked with sharks) (& snakes)#okay also sorry not sorry to do it twice in a row i did not grow up with every book of world myth to have a pick one and if i DID#I don’t think it would be either Greek or Egyptian although I do love them both very dearly#where all my lake homies at. where are all of my wetland habitat homies. i do love a good praerie though (even if i put down mountains)#am i allowed to put a note that says well i HAVE a typewriter and those are two very different vibes. it’s faster to hand write but also:#the typography aspect of it all is so important to me it is so vibes dependent. but bc I usually say my handwriting is bad (doctor script)#AGAIN WITH THE ANIMALS 😭😭😭 i feel like i have to say bee because i literally have a bee tattoo but also: i like butterflies :/#cheating to put denim and leather because I have two going out skirts and one is denim & the other is leather. also frequently I wear both#at gunpoint maybe I would say leather but I don’t know if I could give up my denim…#now why you gotta pit two bad bitches against each other with mermaids and sirens… ooo that’s a tough one (I say as if I have not struggled#to come up with an answer to HALF of these. lol. lmao even.)#wait. wait. homeboy. you can’t say that when you have an entire elaborate mermaid au hold on lmaooooo#don’t know if i have a big preference for thunder/lightning and potions/spells? just kinda picked for those
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i think i would be a much happier person if i could just watch this show for the first time again
#but like over the summer#and actually finish the thing#like#the vibes of watching 5 psych episodes a night with the volume turned low so my family couldn't hear and rewinding over and over again whene#ver i wanted#unmatched#posting pictures i took of the tv on here during the ad breaks#and writing 1k fanfics in my head at work#fucking unmatched let me tell you#but then i lowkey spoiled myself and now i don't care that much to finish it#im seriously like 2 episodes away from finishing or something#odessy-#was uhm#very hyped up#and i get why#but can we please for one second get inside juliet's head for like.#any of the decisions she makes#or like just one#im trying not to spoil but#2 person interaction in the cold open: chef's kiss#scene w just her and shawn walking: lil confused#scene w shawn deciding option 1: little confused. would like to hear what she's thinking#scene w shawn confirming option 1/hinting option 2: please let me hear her thoughts why does she want option 2 im dying to know#scene w lassie: unparalleled obv.. but again why option 2??#like she's only given us negatives about chosingg option 2#why does she want to?#i have theories but like please confirm something#and then#scene w shawn: also really great but can you talk about your feelings more???#like oh big life decision let me not talk about it on screen at all i feel like i missed something big
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Y'all crazy for preferring blighted!Neve when romancing her, you don't even get the whole love confession scene?? Yeah yeah they fuck, we knew that all along
Anyway finished my Neve Romance angst!run (Shadow Dragon Rook who saves Treviso and then assigns Neve to the wards) and can confidently say NO THANK YOU
I vastly prefer saving Minrathous just in general but ESPECIALLY if you're romancing Neve and I ALMOST would have decided to make blighted!Neve my canon if you got the entire final romance scene (the ILY is important character development!!) but you don't so my original choices still stand as my canon
#was very interesting to see this side of everything tho!#Luna plays Dragon Age: The Veilguard#DAV#someone on here said that Lucanis' big decision should have been accepting the role of first talon or not#and I agree completely#it is a bit ridiculous that you miss his entire unification plot with Spite if you save Minrathous#like... I'm his boss and I should be on top of and privy to the abomination settling that shit??#make his journey with Caterina and his forgiveness of Illario internalized#have him keep THAT to himself because it is quite personal#not the literal demon possessing him#anyway making Neve the protector of Dock Town is her bad ending and I stand by that 😌#let my girl REST let her have some JOY and POSITIVITY#she's had a hard fucking life!
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I love Dragon Age companion quests, but sometimes I wish we had more that didn't culminate in fighting a Big Personal Bad, you know
#I think I'm like maybe a third or close to halfway? through DAV right now#and I started doing the thought exercise of “what would your Rook's companion quests be”#and realizing that all the DAV companions have like A Person or Entity they're trying to confront and fight#I think Taash and Emmrich are the only ones who don't and I am Fascinated with their internal struggles#and maybe that changes in the next leg of personal quests idk#but I wish we got more of that stuff in general#just people dealing with how messy life is and how hard it is to find your place#anyways my Rook Mairenn would have quests where you collect something before sitting down at like#the edge of rooftops or the canals in Treviso and she'd start sharing what her life was like before the Crows#like first quest would be her scouring the markets for a proper Dalish trinket#popping down on a roof looking over the sea and going like “I hate my family you know- the one that forced me out”#all the “just a kid angst” you can have before she just Chucks the item as hard as she can into the water#and quest two would happen after your first big decision#where she'd have you trail along the rooftops collecting crow feathers and flowers from trelisses#before setting them afloat with a candle on the canals#“for the ones who don't get to see the sunrise tomorrow”#before you get her lamenting how she doesn't know if her old clan survived everything#how she doesn’t want to go back to them- will /never/ go back to them but how she can't help but worry and wonder#how she's from the Dalish but never felt like she was Dalish#that the Crows are her family- her real family- and it feels like a betrayal to still wonder of those who came before#before capping it off with like “but my clan kicked me out and I got picked up by slavers for it so fuck them right?”#trying to laugh it off before pushing you to get back to the Lighthouse#maybe a little more on how Scared she was for Treviso- for her 'maybe older brother maybe adoptive father' Viago not being there at the end#(I haven't fully clocked the vibes there but the letter you start with from him gives older brother vibes lmao)#I dunno what the next quest or culmination of this is yet but it's been fun to think about
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I did not think reading about jade wanting a family would hurt me this bad but god. it hurts. it hurts sosososo much
#dude :( dudeeeee#picture perfect wizardry#upd8#i sobbed unironically at the panels with her and baby yiffy#and just. reading jade’s thoughts on how the actual situation went down#how she felt so trapped within earth c and how dating was so hard#how no body there even sees her as a person but only as her title#how she wanted so badly to live and be free and not stuck where she was. how yiffy was what made her world better#THE PANELS OF HER HOLDING YIFFY. i cried. i sobbed#my wifeee :(((( she deserves to feel loved and to have something that makes her feel like she actually has a future#it’s kinda messed up the way she and rose went about it yes definitely#but. god. i feel for her#she’s lived nearly her whole life all alone or feeling out of place. she shouldn’t have to feel like that for forever#she was treated so bad in the epilogues man i am so happy to see her decisions get actual development and attention#she loves her daughter so much and you can just tell and. wagh. head in hands#anyway. yiffy !!!!!! so happy to see her#a little sad how small of time we got with her but obviously we’ll probably get more in the future#also meenah next update ?? maybe hopefully possibly…….#i’m being normal about this series. lying. big lie#delete later
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major ofmd s2 spoilers but it’s kind of beautiful in a way to see the youngins call That character dying a “typical” bury your gays trope, in a show that is specifically about queer love filled with queer characters who have happy endings, where both casual and passionate gay affection is shown again and again, and always portrayed as something beautiful and tender and good to be embraced
#ofmd s2#ofmd spoilers#‘typical��� bury your gays.......... 😭#y’all rly have no idea what it’s like to NEVER see yourself portrayed unless it ends in a violent tragic death huh#specifically targeted BECAUSE the character is queer#and i say this genuinely with love like that’s why it’s also pretty nice. i’m glad such a point has been reached#but also omg. experiencing sadness and disappointment over a writing decision for your fav doesn’t make it a hate crime#personally i thought it happening was rly uninspired and predictable so kind of feel nothing over it because it’s so blah#feel like they just straight up didn’t know what to do with him#also s3 hasn’t been confirmed has it?? bc this season def felt like they shoved what was supposed to be a 20eps arc into 8eps#and there won’t be more. idk#but IF there is i need him to come back as the ship’s ghost fucking with everyone lmao#anyway i'm not even that old and when i was 12 i watched brokeback mountain and when i was 13 it was boys don't cry#and that was basically ALL i'd seen for big queer rep in media. like literally only thing ever#and the fear it instilled truly was part of me rejecting my own queerness for so long#who would look at izzy hands & go welp better stay cishet for the rest of my life or the devil will come for me; thats def the lesson here#if anything the end scene was about how happy he could’ve been if he’d realized earlier he had a whole queer fam who loved & accepted him#just as he is#END ESSAY
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like ronnies wuest is ALSO really really good but you basically get to say to her everything i wanted to say. about it not being her fault and about how much i love her and want her to be free and live her own life and not tie herself to a sinking ship forever. girl i love you sometimes your family is determined to wallow in the mud but YOU dont have to. but like you get to tell her that straight up. the combo of not getting to say everything i want to say + arcade LEAVING ME FOREVER. SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW WOULD HAPPEN. just leaves me with this big aching arcade gannon shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled by anything else as long as i am on this earth. i get to go back to my apartment every night and go HONEY IM HOME and kiss veronica on the mouth. i wont see arcade again for months and months and months of in game time. and i miss him dearly.
#this is very immersive becayse of how i set up dannie and arcades relationship#ie: hes been someone shes known since she was a kid and pretty regularly would run away from home#and at some point made freeside her hangout spot when she was on the run. and would bother the followers. so in my mind#arcade (who i think would be ~10 years older?) would kind of be her tutor and just generally a weird older brother figure#and then one of the times she gets dragged back home by the hair she just never comes back#yk until a few years pass and she gets shot in the head#so i think arcade is someone she thinks about often during that time where she doesnt go back to vegas. and i imagine hed think about her o#occassion. yk like wondering what ever happened to her. probably assuming that shed died young.#so i think itd be very sweet when shes doing quest stuff and rolls back up to freeside for the first time since she was like 15-17ish#so its been like 8-10 years at that point. so i think itd be a nice little reunion#and also like WOW. that weird scrawny kid you used to tutor is huge and badass now#i think a lot about them getting to know each other again and just chatting while hiking around or making camp#and i think as things progress dannie really starts to rely on him more as she feels in over her head vis a vis the fate of vegas#and in her mind arcade is like. the worlds greatest person. so he must know the right decision. so i think she would ask him for reassuranc#or just for his take on the Political Situation a lot#(immersive because i got REALLY scared after killing house i was considering reloading a save. and i asked arcade just on a whim. and he#said he thought i was making the best possible choice. and it made me feel so much better and less scared)#anyways. i think she thinks the world of him. not very many people have been nice to her in her life and arcade is a little bitchy but his#heart is full of love. i do think they have a very sibling-ey dynamic#so i do think once he leaves. she would miss him agonizingly bad#she would catch herself turning around before big decisions like 'arcade what do you think - oh.'#and i think shed kind of retreat into herself without him there. very quiet. very uncertain of what shes doing.#🏜️#<- for the tags.
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Hug
Hug
#I feel like every time I pull myself back together in like a week or two I just fall apart again#and I don’t really want to do anything drastic but at the same time my little fix-it’s just feel like bandaids#like step one is going back to therapy for sure it is not uprooting my life and moving#but at the same time like until I can get that I’m a bit worried#like now I’m wondering if I really should work on finding a new job#like idk I don’t want to do anything big and drastic I just want to ride it out#but that hasn’t been working#like clearly the shit I’ve been doing isn’t working so maybe I do need to start taking more drastic measures like finding a new job#you know it was gonna be like okay let’s start with therapy#but that was like a week ago I only started looking for therapists like yesterday#on the one hand I’m like okay we need to start small and start with maybe therapy and see how that does before we make any bigger decisions#but then it’s like how many shitty days at work is too many#idk#punk gets mail#personal
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context: my main plan for 2024 in my journal was "figure out the future & what I'm going to do & where I'm going to live" thinking about summer maybe except last friday during a particularly bad work-related depressive episode I went, fuck it I'm leaving here and found a site and applied for cheap studios in cork and dublin basically in the middle of the night. when I got better I started wondering if I REALLY wanted to leave and may have acted too soon without thinking it through as usual but decided that, you know, what's meant to happen will happen.
then this morning when I was washing my breakfast dishes I dropped a bowl on top of my favourite (and very durable) glass and the glass just snapped in half. at first I was upset but then I laughed thinking, guess this means everything is going to work out and I'm moving out, thanks!! and when I got back from work I found out that not only did I get a place in dublin but my top pick at that. I cannot believe this. the fucking glass. and it was actually still stable so I glued it back together to use for a plant or something. I fixed it. I wonder what it means. anyway. looks like things will work out after all
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(it's got a dragon and that's why it's my favourite. out of two. the other one I just use for measuring rice.)
#personal#sofi.txt#text#multiple thoughts in my head#if superstition then why does it work?#the funniest thing is that i overthink tiny things but make big life changing decisions on impulse but somehow they're right#it was so random too because the cork apartment (which i wanted but got declined) was available since may so that's the date i applied for#even with the others#so i'm left with may but 4 months is the perfect amount of time to find a job and still save enough money here to make the move ok#the place is basically a shed in a lady's garden the size of my current living room but it's extremely cool and has everything one needs#and more than i have here in some cases. a DESK#it doesn't look unlike my childhood dream home tbh#and. thinking of palestinians living in tents who don't even have the one room and how lucky i am to be able to have that#or leave this small town willingly for the sake of my own wellbeing and go elsewhere just like this & safe 😭#dublin has all the major events though and i feel like i can do more there and actually join ipsc (
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i am going to need. lots of luck and whatever else it takes to survive tomorrow pls hope i dont have to deal with any losers 🫶
#ive been working towards slowly being more visibly trans and tomorrow ig marks the#kinda official point ? that im fully going by leo and all that i dunno. itll probably be fine but from here on out im visible bc im soo done#hiding.! so from here on out everyone in my life is gonna know 👍 its taken almost year of me hyping myself up to get to this point kdjfhdj#scared but excited i think ^.^#this past month ive been making a lot of big decisions abt what i want to keep doing and what i have to let go to let myself just be Me#its been a lot but im hoping im making the right decisions <3 im ready to move forward w whats best for me#ok rant(?)personal update(?) over we can all resume being silly now :3
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why did you move away from washington?
as much as i loved it there and i still consider it home, there was no possibility of living on my own there that i or my parents could find that wouldn't be miserably expensive and small. so i moved to another state to eventually move a friend of mine in with me as well who lives in a state much closer to the one i live in now
washington state is a great place, but good fucking lord is it expensive. the only places that were within my budget were 200 sqft apartments in a buttfuck district of Seattle. i went to scout one of the areas i was interested in a couple years ago, and... yeah, yikes. even though i wasn't able to physically check out the place i moved to, it got a lot of great reviews and the photos were really inspiring, and i don't regret my choice. it's certainly not anything bougie, nor is it in the best kind of city (there's quite the homeless population here as well), but it's become a home rather quickly and i'm enjoying it so far :3
#ask stuff#i wanted to move primarily because i wanted to finally get away from my parents#and if i were able i would have for sure stayed in washington. i had never even dreamed of leaving before then bc where would i even go???#turns out. the desert. i needed to go to the desert kjbkjl#i was going to move out of state eventually anyway since my life goal has gone from live alone forever to i have an LDR to make work#and the plan now is to live together in their home country :3#but that felt like too big a leap for me to make - especially since i'm not the only person in the LDR equation#i have to be considerate of my friend/partner-in-law as well#if i were selfish or if it were a monogamous relationship i would have rather just gone straight to my partner's country#but doing that with the actual situation wouldn't be fair. and i'm happy with the decision i've made. seems to be working out so far
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congrats on taking T and experiencing voice changes, that's so exciting!! 🥳🥳✨✨
thank you!!! it's been a period of intense learning of myself and my place in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything
#fredfinch#soupy post#if you will allow me to ramble further in the tags since I haven't really talked about this very much <333#it was something I was really not certain about for a very long time. I kind of needed to start it to understand my feelings about it#and now my feelings are 'yay!' and singing joyfully#(singing is amazing. every day my range changes and I sound more like myself. I feel the vibrations in my chest and it feels like home)#I'm very grateful to the circumstances in my life that have allowed me to make my own decisions about my body and experience#I have a trans healthcare provider and I wish I could give that gift to every trans person seeking gender affirming care#they are so wonderful and have gone above and beyond on my behalf#they let me be unsure. they did not push me one bit they made sure I had all the info and answered every question I had#I asked if I could decide if I wanted it on my own at home and they said absolutely. and I obviously decided to move forward#I don't think T is something that I will be on for the rest of my life but right now it absolutely feels like the right thing#I am getting permanent changes that are gender affirming for me and I understand elements of my gender even better#I feel intensely masculine but less like a man than I've ever felt in my life. I feel very connected to my butchness tho#and extremely extremely connected to my voice <3#anyways thank you again for your message mr fredfinch it put a great big smile on my face
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Sometimes I either willingly or by force find myself reconciling reality with the gaslighting I've experienced in my life and have to take a moment to stop myself from getting REALLY angry
#recreated an experiment from my semi-recent past but without the presence of my abuser for the duration of it#suddenly the experiment is an unprecedented success that clearly highlights my exact needs as intended#turns out that having my abiser present the whole time I tried this last time skewed the fucking results#big shocker#and yet that decision cost me 5 years of time that could have been spent properly meeting my needs if only I hadn't done that#because on the basis of that experiment I was told in no uncertain terms to never consider a result that was in fact the right fucking one#yet another way that person has devastated my life that will never see justice#i hate that there will never be consequences for what they did to me
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