#and be done with long distance

[simple-and-cozy-life]

Last night my boyfriend said he wants to be a better man for me. He wants to provide and give us a good life and a beautiful home we can grow in.

My heart is so full.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[noornight]

Long distance besties. This definitely happened after the third movie (source: trust me bro)

Based on this

[rain-carradine]

katniss: i accept the responsibility of the mockingjay

coin: yes, with gale as the perfect new love interest?

katniss:

[napping-sapphic]

Go for a drive with me until we end up sitting in a parking lot and talking for hours

[hauntingofhouses]

(concept art of young taigen - source ; art credit: @abigaillarson)

i cannot get over this concept art of young taigen. god.

just look at this angry bratty boy, too many feelings that he doesnt know what to do with! an abused 9 year old kid in poverty always playing with sticks in the dirt, obsessed with greatness and dreaming to escape his decrepit village—and he does!

he does escape. he runs away. this angry little boy, all claws and teeth and biting words uttered with a lisp, going on the run into a world he's never seen before until he makes his way to kyoto. and knowing him he probably forced his way in to be accepted by the dojo, growling and kicking even as he's thrown out, back into the streets, too stubborn to take no for an answer and never knowing when to give up.

taigen calls mizu a dog, weak, an orphan, a scrawny street urchin. but i can't help but think that he feels so bold to use those words because he had them spat at him too.

because taigen had the idea of "this is how the world is" beat into him from birth. he learned quickly that if you couldn't beat the world you could join it. but that meant losing your way, your values, your principles. and isn't that what true honour is? not just titles and status and glory?

we don't get to see what taigen, as a child surrounded by peers encouraging and goading him on, would've actually done if that meteor hadn't fallen right in front of them at that very moment. would he have really tried to throw that stone on mizu, killing her? we don't know.

but we do see what taigen (his true self, with no one around) does, when presented with the same opportunity. when mizu passes out in front of him, unconscious and near death, vulnerable, the path to restoring his honour lays itself out for him on a silver platter. and he wants to take it, wants to kill mizu, to claim what is his and return to kyoto and get back everything he'd worked tooth and nail for. he feels like it's what he should do. but he doesn't.

and later, again he is presented with the chance to betray mizu, likely offered by heiji shindo to get his rank reinstated within the shindo dojo. and again, taigen doesn't take it. he refuses. "stupidly loyal," fowler calls him later. loyal, like a dog.

because now, pulled away from the sneering looks and jeering words of people around him, telling him that this is what the world is, taigen had met ringo and mizu, two outcasts who refuse to follow a predetermined path to greatness. and so inside something blooms in him. something like hope. a chance to live in a world that doesn't kick you down every chance it gets, to live in a world where genuine kindness and and love and friendship and even weakness is possible, allowed to simply exist without fear.

because he'd been running away from the very idea of it the whole time. when he ran from kohama, he never looked back, never wanted to remember what it was like to be a child, afraid and hungry and angry and hurting, without the words to make sense of it, desperately wishing for something. something more. he doesn't know what. but he hears stories of great swordsmen and decides, yes, this must be it. this is what i want: glory, greatness. the twisted seed gets planted and thrives in this barren land.

and when he returns to kohama with mizu and ringo, he at last is forced to stop running. he must face the child within him again, and he tells that child to put down the stones in his hand, tells him to stop barking at anything that moves or looks at him wrong.

the child drops the stone, and taigen buys dumplings instead, gives them to mizu. the child within him, wide-eyed at the prospect of friendship, moves him to pick up a hammer and toss it to mizu. he's smiling inside even as he does it; giggling like a kid hiding a silly prank. as soon as mizu drops the hammer after him, he leaps at her, tackling her to the ground and they wrestle and laugh unbridled like two children playing while the adults aren't around to barge in and yell at them.

and then his gaze catches on mizu's lips, he stares into mizu's eyes, a sparkling blue, inviting like the open sea in good weather.

it's a man's desire that takes hold then, the child in him sinking away again, and he curses himself for it, because it ruins the moment.

everything goes to shit from there, and then it's back to being a man, back to putting on his grown-up's armour to play hero.

it fails. the shogun dies. fowler's beatings reopen all the wounds left by heiji shindo's torture. "honour is meaningless," mizu tells him. "nothing comes from being a samurai but death."

the words follow him, and he follows the words.

as everything burns down, he runs, leaving the fire behind him, and sees akemi, as well as the verdure of spring behind her, calling him. he does not hesitate then to hold his hand out to her, inviting her to come with him. "i don't want to be great," he says. "i just want to be happy."

what is happiness to him? perhaps he doesn't know it yet, or perhaps he does. but really, i believe happiness is what the child in him always wanted but never received. happiness is a home.

[mc-critical]

1.06 / 2.09 (33)

[rhymaes]

The Untamed, Ep. 11 // The Untamed, Ep. 48

[sysig]

Time Loops are they/them culture (Patreon)

Bonus of my little guy in ISaT style:

[bluishfrog]

Last chapter of Touching Distance is out! (7/7)

NOW COMPLETE!

Epilogue: You, wrapped around me

Dream glanced over at George, who was animatedly recounting a funny moment from their latest adventure, his hands dancing through the air. Each gesture felt like a vivid expression of their shared bond, a language that only they understood. It amazed Dream how easily their fingers intertwined, how natural it felt to lean into each other without a second thought.

He marveled at the way they could hold each other without fear or hesitation, the way their laughter flowed freely between them, weaving an invisible thread that bound their hearts closer together. The tender touches that once felt daunting were now filled with affection and familiarity. Each caress, each playful shove, and every shared glance was a testament to their journey together.

- - -

now on ao3 fic summary on tumblr

[soracities]

Hi Mim,, I wondered if you or any of your followers have words/advice on going long-distance with a beloved partner. I have to move far away from my love of 9 years(!) to attend my dream PhD program and we won't be able to reunite for another 3 years while he finishes his schooling. Every day takes me closer to the move and has me more heartbroken even though this is what I want and I believe we can make it through. Any words of comfort from the soracities community is so welcome and needed. <3

I have no experience with long distance relationships so there really isn't much advice I can give, but what I can tell you anon (if you haven't already) is: plan, plan, plan!!! Long distance is always going to be difficult and there's no way around that difficulty so one of your best bets is for both of you to work as hard as you can to maintain open, attentive, consistent, and deeply honest communication.

Figure out how much communication you need and what kind you value most--what about your partner? What are the ways you can make time and space for these despite the distance? Then sit down with your partner and work out a schedule for phone calls, video calls, daily (or weekly) check-ins etc and, most importantly: hold each other (and yourselves) accountable to them. Set out a game plan for how you will tackle conflicts over long distance: if you both are having packed school weeks, or feel you really need to talk about something, agree on a code word that says "I know you are busy but I desperately need you to make some time for this issue / for me" and then agree on a timeframe in which the other person will address it.

For example, you can schedule it so that you both ensure you have at least one weekly catch-up, and one fun date, on separate days that you always keep to: if you can manage something extra, great, but if not: have a baseline minimum you both honour alongside your commitments to your work and education and daily lives (you can even just have a study date where you both do your work together via video call)--your dates can be anything: you can do a weekly movie night with Hyperbeam or Teleparty (or visit the cinema on the same day to watch the same film and then call each other to talk about it), if it's feasible, take a walk together when you're on the phone and make a whole thing of it: pick a nice scenic spot in your respective places, plan your route, let the other know what it's like where you are, bake something together over video call, etc. Whatever routines and rituals you had together, see if there is a way you can carry them over remotely over the next 3 years, or even vary the things you do to make up for the fact that it is remote for now.

I think one of the hardest things to contend with is the sudden lack of physical proximity to each other, and the loneliness that follows especially if you see people around you in relationships having that, so I would also recommend finding stand-ins for that physical closeness. You said you won't be able to reunite until your partner finishes his own schooling--I don't know if that means quick weekend visits are out of the question (either through sheer distance or financially) but if they aren't, absolutely see if you can plan a visit either from your end or his. If not then maybe, along with your virtual dates, write each other letters, or send each other small tokens, postcards, silly little missives, anything to offer a physical piece of yourself to each other but also to remind the other that you're thinking of them and missing them and they can physically touch and hold those thoughts in a physical form.

I can absolutely understand your fear, anon, and it is definitely not easy and incredibly daunting, but I think it is something beautiful that you have had 9 (9!!!!!) wonderful years with your love already and the fact that you are brave enough to take this leap for your own dreams AND have such faith and trust in your relationship and its strength is a true testament to what you have built together over these years. You both should follow your dreams and fulfill them and I wish nothing but the best for the future awaiting you both where you get to combine those dreams and continue building another chapter of your lives together 💗💗💗

[maybebi47]

i almost dont want to watch next weeks episode in fear of a finality on trackerbees, you know what i mean? i know its over i know they are doomed, they were doomed from the start. but just the thought of kristen having to say goodbye to tracker. again. its killing me.

[inkymkk]

i Might be a lil drunk rn /hj

[egglands-worst]

"time blindness? but you're never late for anything!" yeah it's 'cause I'm anxious about being late, I always leave long before i need to, and I have experience with travel times in specific locations and routes that I can remember and fall back on, plus in emergencies i can check a navigation app and it'll literally tell me an estimated amount of time if i need to travel somewhere I'm not familiar with

[autumnoakes]

there's dialogue i want to get in hades 2 mostly because i deeply want to talk about it but it's hard to do so when i don't have the dialogue right in front of me

[fvckw4d]

The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."