#the problem is that i have nowhere else to see the videos from my minnesota legislator who’s been giving daily updates on the republican

[bookinit02]

i really do think there’s a huge disconnect on here w/ people who have never used tiktok as to what it actually is and who actually uses it. the number of people i’ve seen call it a “teen dancing app” is actually insane. it has not been a teen dancing app since i was in high school, around 2016 - 2020. the main communities i saw on a daily basis were 1) black history/anti-racism educators, 2) high school & college teachers sharing in-classroom strategies and frustrations with the education system, 3) local/state political leaders giving real-time updates on behind-the-scenes government decisions, & 4) community activism & leadership. like tiktok is an adult platform. almost every person i interacted with was my age or older. and yes it completely depends on your fyp and how you interact with the app, yes there’s still teenagers and dance videos and literally anything else you can think of. but these communities of adults aren’t insubstantial at all, they have literally millions of interactions on a daily basis. there’s about a million other types of communities that i could name just off the top of my head, because the range of users was SO diverse and thriving. it’s a long-distance community tool, just like any other social media—and honestly much better than any other social media, because it relies primarily on the kindness of strangers. i saw at least 5-10 videos today of queer people in rural areas panicking because they don’t have any access to queer community on any other platform or in real life. and before i end this i do want to say i think tiktok is coming back, i think this is a highly orchestrated political move, etc., but i do know it won’t ever be exactly the same. people are panicking about free speech violations because tiktok was a place where people fucking SPEAK. i have never seen mass mobilization and communication in this same way for as long as i’ve been alive. it is the people’s app, not just a silly teenage thing. if you’re not on tiktok and never have been, please stop talking about it like you know anything at all😭

[segenassefa]

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

[hello-itsyaboi-blog]

A Holtcest Christmas (CH 1: Mittens)

(While I’m waiting on the AO3 email invitation, I’ll post this here. The plan was to write one big-o fic and have each chapter revolve around the theme of the day for Holtcest Week. But I just don’t have time, so I’ll finish this after finals at the end of the month. Also, first real fic I’m working on since 2011 or so OOF))

Christmas (and Christmas Eve) were not Katie's favorite holidays. At least, not anymore. As an adult, she saw everything for what it really was. Specially her family relations. At least, her father's side of the family. As one grows older, one learns of the 'family secrets' and everything about family becomes clear.

Katie finally knew why Aunt Melissa and her mother didn't get along, and why Uncle Thomas didn't like her very much: it because of her ambiguous sexuality (he was what Matt would call "a bible humper"). Her Grandfather resented her father for leaving for college instead of staying behind and helping him take care of the family farm. Nevertheless, Katie couldn't confront any of these people about directly. Instead, she had to do what they all did: pretend any issues didn’t exist. Just avoid the problem.

And so, she did. Katie followed everyone's actions by just pretending to love all her family members for the next few years. Thanksgiving was sometimes celebrated, sometimes not. But Christmas was always mandatory. Since she could remember, her parents, Matt and her always visited Sam's side of the family for Christmas. It wasn't until recently, about five or six years ago, that they started to visit Colleen's side of the family. They rotated each Christmas from that point on, seeing Sam's family one year, them Colleen's family the next year, and so on.

Sitting by the colorful Christmas tree, sipping on a cup of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and sprinkles, Katie sat on one of her uncle's white couches. She was next to one of the younger cousins in the family watching a movie someone put on the television (even if the chatter drowned out most of the tv sound).

"Pidge" a voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Huh?" She asked, looking around until her eyes fell upon her older Brother Matt. He was the only person she knew well enough. Truly knew him, unlike anyone else in that room.

"You alright? You're quiet" the taller male asked her, sitting on the armrest of the couch, right next to her. 

"Yeah I'm alright, I'm just watching the movie" Katie replied, keeping her eyes glued to the screen to avoid eye contact. But Matt knew her too well to buy into that.

"Do you want to talk outside?"

She hesitated a little before looking up at him and nodded. The two siblings then got up without another word and left the house. They were at their uncle’s home in Minnesota, which was near the end of a hill, surrounded by trees. Their uncle, Jerry, owned a big piece of land, so there were also a lot of questionable things built throughout. The most normal thing on the property was a wooden closet with rusty gardening tools among other unidentifiable pieces of metal, but the rest consisted of wooden crosses thought the property. The bottom of the crosses was always a tree stump, meaning part of a tree was cut down and the rest was used to carve the cross out of it. Those always gave Katie the creeps.

"Sooo..." Matt began as he led the way out of the door and into the front yard, which was covered with a few inches of white and cold snow. Katie followed, sinking her hands into her jacket as the cold air hit her the more they descended away from the house. If she had brought gloves, she would suggest that they make a snowman. It never snowed back in California (at least not in their city) but she wasn’t going to risk getting frostbite.

"You know how I feel about these sort of things" she spoke, eyes watching her boots as they shuffled through the snow.

"I know, I know, but we gotta pretend. They're still family and we are kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere" the older teen shrugged, coming to a stop once they were far enough from the house so that the noise coming from it wasn't distracting. All the chatter and holiday music coming from the house was quite distracting.

"Yeah, still family. And despite that, uncle Jerry and Aunt Judy fucked. Everyone knows"

"Welp! This convo escalated quickly, but yeah. And everyone pretends it didn't happen. It’s messed up but we're already here. Might as well not be miserable the whole time and dwell on all this drama." He sighed, "We can try to hang out away from the adults. Pretty sure everyone our age is upstairs playing some video games or something"

Katie shook her head. "No, I don't want to. Well, at least not now. Can we just stay out here for a while?" She asked. If it were up to her, she would be outside the whole time just talking with Matt and not be near their family. The only thing she had in common with these people is lineage, DNA but that was it. But that meant nothing. It was all a façade.

"Only for a while. It's cold out here" Matt replied watching the outline of her hands that showed through her jacket. Eye contact was not his strong point, often looking at whatever was behind the person he was talking to, any jewelry or accessories they had, or even just looking around. Anywhere but their eyes. It often came off as strange or disrespectful to other people, but it was a bad habit he had trouble breaking. However, with Katie (and his parents, to an extent) it was different. There was never a time where he would avoid her gaze throughout the whole conversation; he always looked into those pretty brown eyes that were much like his own. His gaze was quite low for a few moments, but Katie didn’t mind. Though, there were times where she wished he would look a little lower. But she often shook those away, blaming them on her hormones. "You're cold, aren't you?" Matt asked after a few moments, his gaze shooting back up to her eyes. A small grin curled in his lips, expecting Katie to deny it.

"No, I'm not!" she lied, turning her back towards the house. Matt did the same, not pushing the issue further. It was always fun to tease her a little bit, to brighten up the mood a little bit specially now. 

"Okay, okay. Anyway-..."

"Anyway, I just wish we could spend Christmas with mom's family. We barely see them" she explained, frowning slightly and flopped down on the snow, regretting it instantly. But she hid the pain, shrugging off the cold stinging sensation as best as she could and looking back at Matt when he spoke. Hearing him out just helped sometimes because Matt's voice could put her at ease while no one else’s voice in the world could.

"I wish we could see them too. But we’ll see them next Christmas and hopefully the one after that. Dad's getting tired of everyone's attitude over here. So, we might be able to convince him to just not drag us out here anymore. You, mom, and I can convince dad for sure. Three against one"

Katie chuckled, "you have a point there" but she stopped chuckling and sighed, "But I just wish dad had realized earlier. He obviously doesn't like coming. He doesn't HAVE to come and bring us with him"

"And that's true. You don't owe, wait lemme just..." He groaned and slowly sat next to her in the snow, feeling the extreme cold and getting up again to squat back down next to her instead.

"...yeah, like you don't owe anyone anything. Just because they're family, it doesn't mean you'd be betraying them for not wanting to be around their toxicity"

"Only took him a couple of years to realize it" the smaller female mumbled.

"Yeah. But better late than never. He's realizing it now" Matt shrugged. "C'mon, let's go back inside. Maybe we can get a turn in whatever game they're playing" he spoke as he got up, but she grabbed a hold of his hand and held it tightly. 

She wasn’t tall enough to grab his arm once he was up but, in a way, she was glad. Even if it was just for a few seconds, holding his hand in hers felt nice.

"Nooo, let's stay out here for a little while longer, please?" she pleaded, making her eyes look as big and watery as she could make them. The Look usually worked when she wanted to get something from someone unless it was Keith or their mother. Her mother got annoyed for the most part while Keith just didn’t understand how that was supposed to persuade him. He would always tell Katie it looked like she needed to sneeze.

"Pidge, don't..." The male began and looked away, but he could still see her in the corner of his eye. "...fine. Five minutes tops 'cause it's too cold for this. On one condition though"

"Which is?"

"We change the subject. You're way too moody right now for my liking"

Katie snorted at that, rising to her feet and dusting some snow off her. Her backside felt a little frozen, but she was too stubborn to go back inside immediately and warm up. Also, in a way, Matt would be winning if they did that. "That's fine. What do YOU wanna talk about?"

"I dunno. Something positive or funny" the male shrugged, looking at the many trees surrounding them. Then his gaze drifted off to the mountains in the distance, which had snow on their tips. Matt loved being surrounded by nature. Sure, he wouldn't pursue it out of his own volition but whenever he was dragged out to it, he didn’t complain. Pidge, on the other hand, wasn't the outdoors type, even if she was dragged out to it.

"Something positive? Well, it seems like you're liking the view…guess that's a positive" Katie said, watching him for a few moments. She found it cute, the way his eyes seemed to tinkle as he dozed off and the faint smile that curved at the corner of his lips. Perhaps she just liked seeing him happy.

"Hm? Sorry, I didn't hear what you said" Matt said, shaking his head and turning his attention back to his younger sister. He had felt her staring (which he too enjoyed), he just didn't hear exactly what she said.

"I said, I can't really think of anything positive or funny. I can think of something funny, but that is not really positive?" She said, though that last part was more of a question.

"If it's funny, it's fine. Shoot"

"Alright. Well, I'm pretty sure I saw Mackenzie kiss Daniel"

“Gross!” Matt laughed, “though, you’re not too pure yourself!”

“Come again?” the girl questioned, raising an eyebrow at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well” he began, briefly departing his gaze in an opposite direction, “you keep bringing up the incest shit”

“Yeah, because it’s weird. And funny” she explained, but deep down she knew it was for another reason. She had thought about it before, hadn’t she? What it would feel like to be that close with Matt. Closer than what siblings are supposed to be. Whenever she felt bold, she’d try to get physically close, but this was the first time she tried insinuating anything in a conversation. Bringing up subjects like this was the most she could actually do. Out of curiosity, she just wanted to see his reactions to these sorts of things.

Matt locked his gaze on some trees in the distance once again, and there is stayed for a few moments before he spoke, “I mean, they’re from the south so its kind of expected. Though, if it continues their genetic diversity will decrease and- “

“Birth defects”

“Yup.” He finally looked back at her and got up with a groan. “I can’t feel my thighs. I dunno if it’s because of the cold or ‘cause I’ve been squatting for so long. C’mon, let’s head back inside” Matt said, looking over and nodding in the direction of the house before walking towards it. Katie followed suit while huffing in annoyance, her breath visible due to the cold. However, once they were in the porch Matt stopped in his tracks. 

“Wait, actually” he began, turning around so that his back was facing the door.

“What?”

“I forgot something in the car. Let’s go get it before we go inside”

*    *     *  

The Holts had to rent a car shortly after arriving, due to the remote location of the family get together. Sam and Matt had taken turns driving so Matt still had the keys with him. After unlocking the door, he slipped inside the passenger seat and opened the glove compartment. Katie just stood beside him and leaned in closer to get a peek at whatever he was getting. Shiny red wrapping paper was visible in an unsorted shape as Matt brought it out.

“What’s that?” Katie asked, staring at it as she wondered what was inside. Matt was never good at wrapping presents or anything that involved tape, scissors or glue.

“Your Christmas present. I didn’t wanna give it to you in front of them so, might as well give it to you now. Hope you like it.” He handed the gift to her and awaited her reaction. Katie took her hands out of her pockets and took the gift wrapped in red wrapping paper. “I know it’s kinda lame but…yeah’

“It’s soft” she thought out loud and ripped the paper away to reveal a pair of green and fluffy mittens. A smile spread across her lips while she slipped on the mittens. “They’re not lame, I love them!”

He chuckled, a warm feeling forming in the pit of his stomach when her eyes lit up like that. And that smile of hers somehow made his heart beat faster. Suddenly, she moved closer and wrapped hers arms around him to bring him into a hug. He did the same, wrapping his arms around Katie’s waist and holding her tightly. Maybe a little too tightly because Katie let out a grunt when he squeezed. But it was still comforting to be held that tightly in his arms, taking in his warmth and taking in his scent. In the back of her mind, she knew she shouldn’t feel this way, but it was just so…pleasant to be this close to him.

After a few moments Matt pulled away and Katie did the same, but she wished they could have stayed like that for a while longer. But that would be a little weird. 

“Do you wanna stay in the car for a while longer? I can turn on the heater and we can just chill” Matt suggested, causing Katie to chuckle a little.

“Why didn’t you say that earlier?!”

“I didn’t think of it. Why didn’t YOU say something?” Matt retorted, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, I didn’t think of it”

“Exaclty!”

 *        *        *

"I wish we had some weed right now. We could hot box the car" Matt laughed lightly, slouching down to get more comfortable in the warmth of the car seat. They were in the back seats of the car.

"Yeah, but we couldn't have taken any on the plane anyway" Katie replied with a shrug, rubbing her hands together. She still had the mittens on, even though the heater was on in the car and they were a little sweaty but she refused to take them off. It was nice to get away from everyone else for the time being and be around Matt. Just Matt. "We should probably turn off the heater before we kill the battery"

"Yeah.  But you're closer..."

With a roll of the eyes Katie took off her right mitten, got off the seat and made her way between the two front seats, leaning over and shutting off the heater. She also shut off the ignition.

As wrong as it was, Matt's eyes drifted onto Katie's backside. He was sure it was just an impulse and nothing more. It wouldn't be the first time Matt's eyes wondered around her body. Specially in the summer and spring when she wore those summer dresses and skirts which left her smooth legs exposed. He always told himself it was just curiosity or instinct to look at her legs or her shoulders when they were exposed, but did that explain the urge to know how she looked underneath those summer clothes? Probably not.

After shutting everything off, Katie flopped back down onto the backseat landing a little closer to Matt than earlier. She slipped the right mitten back on her hand before turning back to Matt, whom was already watching her.

"...I low-key wish I was stoned right now"

She snorted, "You’re stoned half the time. And you already said that"

"I mean, yeah but I really wanna. Just think about it, we could be stoned here in the car, maybe watch a movie on my laptop and just chill 'til mom or dad noticed we’re missing"

"That actually sounds really nice. Maybe next year when we spend Christmas with mom's family" Katie spoke, moving her gaze away from Matt and out the front window though not much was visible due to the condensation.

"I mean we don't have to wait that long. Maybe once we get home when mom and dad have one of their date nights we can just relax" he continued while looking at her. That feeling in the pit of his stomach, a warmth that swirled and swirled around, wouldn't go away. He needed to be closer to her. In the back of his mind, he knew exactly what he wanted from her. But that would be inappropriate. Disgusting. But he also wanted it. This always happened every few weeks, the feeling would go away and then come back. Maybe it would go for months at a time and then bam, he’s thinking about it and about her. But right now, those feelings and those thoughts were more intense than ever before. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance she was curious or even felt the same way. He could test the grounds.

"True. If they knew we smoked or ate edibles they'd kill you"

"Me?!"

"Of course! They wouldn't think their sweet little girl would ever do such a thing unless she was peer pressured to do so" she increased the pitch of her voice as much as she could and made her eyes big and watery to give him her best Look.

"You're 19! Little my ass. And it’s no fair you always get to use that look to get out of trouble"

"It’s not, but if it gets me out of trouble oh well" she then stuck her tongue out at him. "But as long as we keep it a secret, we should be just fine"

"Yeah, then we could uh you know, Netflix and chill or some shit" Matt said, heart now racing as he awaited her reaction. Heat rose to his cheeks, feeling the thumping of his heart against his chest. Maybe he shouldn’t have opened his big mouth. But wasn’t that much of a weird thing to say, right? It was a meme and he could just play it off as a joke if he needed to, right?

Sand colored eyes stared up at a pair that mirrored her own, unsure of what to think of how to respond to something like that. She probably should respond as soon as she could because if she lingered on that thought for too long it would seem strange. But she was also curious as to why he would joke like that, specially when the subject of incest came up earlier.

“Netflix and chill with your sister?” she spoke slowly, pressure lingering on every word as she bought herself more time. After a few more seconds it was followed with, “now what’s that supposed to mean?”

There was no hostility or confusion in her voice as she asked this. She just chuckled lightly and let herself smile. It was somehow nice to think of it that way, thinking that he wanted to be that close to her. As close as a couple would. It wasn’t like she thought about it very often, in fact, whenever those thoughts and those feelings crawled out from the back of her head, she’d do her best to push them away and ignore them. But here they were by themselves bringing up subjects they shouldn’t. Maybe the Holts just didn’t know much about subtlety.

But the male hesitated, putting his words together as best he could before speaking, “I uh suppose it means I was joking about incest. L-like you were when you brought up aunt Melissa earlier. Maybe we should head back, it’s getting cold in here-”

“So, you’re joking about fucking your little sister, huh?” she teased, her lips moving as soon as the words popped into her head. Somehow her filter had temporarily stopped, unable to process what was on her mind before she spoke; this had never happened before in her life. They had crossed the line rather suddenly.

“Do you want to fuck me, Matt?”

If Matt’s cheeks were not red like a tomato before they sure were now as he took in what she just said. No. He couldn’t respond. Did she know? Did he actually want to answer that? After all, he started it. It got too real really fast. And as much as he wanted to say ‘yes’ and pin her down on the backseat, he knew he couldn’t. They shouldn’t. Not here. Not when their whole family is just a few feet away in the house. He had to leave before anything he might regret happens.

Without another word, the male opened the door and stepped out of the car, not caring to close it and just walking towards the house, the music and chatter getting louder and louder as he approached.

“What the fuck, Matt?” he whispered to himself, walking away from the car and to the house as fast as he could. That didn’t happen. It was one of those scenarios that he played in his head, those that he imagined prior to saying something stupid. That didn’t actually happen, right?

The wood of the front porch creaked as he stepped on it and then moved to the door. He opened it and was greeted with now louder chatter and the obnoxious music that the siblings wanted to escape in the first place. Closing the door behind him, he made his way past a few relatives that stood around just talking while simultaneously getting in everyone’s way. Walking past the kitchen and up the stairs, he headed to where all the younger relatives were playing video games. As he did, Matt put his hands in his pockets and thought about Katie. At least her hands wouldn’t be cold.