#and also she's so so SO self-centered that its hard for her to realize whats wrong and whats right

[headofhelios]

when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance

[theereina]

Buy Her Books📚 and Eat Her Pussy🐈

Pairing: Erik "Killmonger" Stevens x Plus Size Fem Black!OC

Wordcount: +1.9K

Warnings: MDNI (18+) mature content, such as cursing, teasing, heavily dialogue-centered, use of Daddy, Mama, and other pet names (lil' mama, pretty girl, good boy, etc.), oral (female receiving), spanking, Dom!Erik, orgasm denial, pure filth

A/N¹: This is a single one-shot with no planned sequels.

A/N²: I'm open to critiques. I am a little 🤏🏽 sensitive about my writing. Please, don't be too harsh.🥺 Feel free to bring my attention to any typos. Divider by @firefly-graphics. Also, this work is not to be plagiarized or reposted (on any site other than here on Tumblr). I do NOT give consent for any form of republishing or rewriting.

Masterlist: 🔥🔥🔥

Of course, Erik didn't know the monster he created. Last night, he had given his girlfriend Amelia his credit card and told her to buy her books. Amelia was immediately struck by decision fatigue. Her TBR list was well over 100 books at this point. When she whined about not knowing what books to choose, Erik told her to buy them ALL. Amelia initially laughed at Erik, not taking a word he said seriously; however, the look he gave her let her know he was beyond serious.

He had given her the card the night before. She sat up all night anxiously going through her TBR. She narrowed the list to 52 must-haves and 67 maybes, not including the 34 she deleted after reading the recent reviews.

Amelia had spent all morning in her favorite local bookstores and Barnes & Noble. She became flustered once she started realizing how much she would be paying. So, she called Erik and asked for his “approval” again. He responded with a laugh and comment about letting her do it again. This had Amelia excited at the thought.

While in the stores, she would first search for the books on her must-haves. Then, she would look for the maybes. She would scan over the synopsis and maybe the first page before deciding. She did this same routine in every store she went into.

After such a strenuous morning, Amelia was exhausted but excited upon returning home. She knew exactly the book she wanted to read first. She had showered and changed back into her nightgown. She climbed onto the bed and searched through the hoard of books. Amelia had tried her best to keep the books separated by genre to help her sort them.

There it was— a book she had wanted since its release five months ago. Amelia was back in her happy place as she lay on her tummy across Erik's bed, facing the headboard. She held the book and began kicking her feet in bliss. She opened the book and began to read the prologue before remembering that she didn't want any distractions. She grabbed her phone and placed it on DND. Tossing her phone somewhere behind her, she began to read again.

4 hours later

Unbeknownst to Amelia, hours had passed. Many hours. Her phone was still on DND, so she was unaware of Erik's 13 missed calls and 8 unread text messages. Unfortunately, she also didn't know he was on his way home.

As Amelia lay reading, Erik arrived at his home. He was pissed. Amelia had ignored him all day. He was a little paranoid about these kinds of situations considering the life he lived before meeting her.

Erik unlocked the door quietly checking for any signs of forced entry. He slowly crept through the house. As he approached the back rooms, the only light visible was coming from under his bedroom door. He could hear what sounded like Amelia laughing, but he was too unsure. He unsheathed his Glock and held it in his hands. As he inched closer to the door, he quieted his steps. Putting his stealth skills to use, he leaned against the door using the weight of his body to stop it from creaking as he opened it.

Awaiting him was an exhausted Amelia. She was facing away from him still completely unaware of his presence. He had always told her she had the self-awareness of a toddler.

He slowly placed his gun into his waistband. Trying his hardest not to startle or alert her to his presence, he crept up to the foot of the bed. He grabbed Amelia's left foot and dragged her to the edge of the bed. “Princess!” Erik says flipping Amelia over onto her back causing the book to slip from her hands. “Erik!” she screamed. She was still unsure how this man could toss her around so easily.

“Busy?” he asked folding his arms across his chest. “Umm…,” Amelia said sitting on her knees at the edge of the bed. She leaned up to give Erik an apologetic kiss. “Where's your phone?” he asked uncrossing his arms.

Amelia turned around and began searching for the phone in the bed. Piles of books were everywhere— an assortment of thrillers, romance, erotica, mystery, fantasy, and more. She knew it was there somewhere. She found it and looked at the screen. 13 missed calls and 8 unread text messages from “Daddy😈”. She turned back around to see Erik cracking his knuckles.

Uh oh

“So, you were reading all day? Is that why you were ignoring me, baby girl?” Erik said caressing her cheek. “Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I just really…” she said putting her hands on his shoulders. “That's unacceptable, and you know that,” he said putting his right hand on the side of her neck. He used his thumb to stroke over the front of her throat., teasing her. Amelia swallowed because she knew what was coming— a punishment fit for his princess.

Erik stood there staring at Amelia's throat. “Where's the book you were just reading?” Erik asked stilling his movements. She pointed behind her to the only opened book on the bed. She was growing anxious by the second. Amelia began to whimper in desperation, trying to craft a scheme to escape this.

Erik's eyes shot up to meet Amelia's now brimming with tears. “Amelia, baby?” Erik lulled. “Yes, Daddy?” she asked hoping this would absolve her of her discretions. Considering that it was an honest mistake, she hoped he would be lenient. “Shut that shit up,” he said in the most level tone. He didn't raise his voice a decibel, but Amelia knew.

“Since you wanna read so much, read to me. I wanna see what's got you so distracted,” Erik said leaning over grabbing the book and handing it to Amelia.

4 orgasms denials later

Amelia was fighting for her life. Erik was eating her out from the back and forcing her to read the book aloud simultaneously. Every time she slipped up or stopped he lit her ass up like a Christmas tree.

His tongue sliding up and down her folds over and over again was driving her insane. She continued to read while breathing out ragged breaths. He was positioned right behind her on the bed. His tongue was warm and slick from her juices.

Erik leaned up and sat directly between her legs. He used his arms to flip Amelia over onto her back in one swift move. She yelled out in shock. Amelia looked down pleading to Erik with her eyes. He scoffed at her attempt to use her puppy dog eyes against him. He sat back and looked at Amelia's sloppy pussy and swollen clit. He took his hand and slid it up and down her slit, coating his fingers in her cum.

He brought his hand to his mouth and began to suck on his fingers. Amelia stopped to stare at Erik in awe. Without even losing focus on his task at hand, he used his other hand to smack Amelia's already swollen clit. “I didn't tell you to stop!” he barked while removing his fingers from his mouth. Amelia tried to continue reading but could feel Erik shifting between her legs.

Amelia turned the page and peeked under the book. She could see Erik's hand lining up with her pussy again. She felt his middle and index fingers slide into her wet pussy with a squelch. She moaned out and clenched her pussy around his fingers. He began to drive his fingers upward against her g-spot. He was merciless while fingerfucking her.

She started stuttering and closed her eyes too caught up in bliss. Erik used his free hand to smack the outside of her thigh. The sound echoed through the room. The thickness of her thighs provided no cushion for the blows he was dishing out. If anything, it was giving him more to work with. Her ass was already obliterated— red, swollen, and covered in welts.

They had been at this for almost an hour because of how well he was dragging out his teasing. She was tired of being denied but knew she held no power in this situation. All she could do was take it.

He leaned over Amelia's body pushing her knees up to her chest. How did he expect her to read like this?

His fingers were still punishing her pussy. He looked at Amelia and began to speak, “I don't hear you!” Amelia tried to read, but she felt like her voice was strained. The way he had her folded in half with his body holding her legs and thighs in place was making it hard to breathe. “Daddy, please. I can't…,” she whined out. “You can, and you fuckin' will. Do you hear me?” Erik said slowing his fingers down inside of her. He knew Amelia's weakness— slow strokes and deep pokes. He was using his fingers to massage her insides. He was kneading her pussy like dough.

Erik's heavy breathing was overshadowed by the sounds of Amelia's moans and her pussy squelching. It sounded like someone was flicking their fingers under a running faucet. Amelia dropped the book on her stomach, and Erik's hand instantly smacked her thigh twice. “Pick…it…the…fuck…up!!!” Erik growled through gritted teeth.

Amelia reached for the book. She tried her best to continue to read as Erik's fingers drove her insane. Erik lifted her left leg and pushed it back against her chest. He angled his body so that he was slightly to the side of Amelia's body. He leaned over and began to suck her clit while continuing to finger her pussy.

The words were leaving her mouth, but she wasn't attempting to comprehend or remember what she read. Erik removed his fingers and replaced them with his tongue. He moved so that his face was right between Amelia's legs. His tongue thrust inside her pussy. “Fuck. I'm… I'm gonna… Oh, I'm ‘bout to cum!” Amelia screamed. “Oh, really? I don't…remember you…askin’ me..for shit!” Erik said in between licks. “May I please cum? I can't take it anymore!” Amelia said her eyes filled with tears. “You betta!” Erik said slapping her clit with his free hand.

That was all it took to push Amelia over the edge. Her legs locked onto Erik as her belly seized. Her juices flooded Erik's fingers as he pushed them back in, leaking all over his hand and down his arm. He opened his mouth and covered her pussy so that he could catch everything. Amelia's moans turned to pained grunts. She was done.

Erik released his mouth from her pussy. He let go of her thick thighs causing them to fall like dead weights onto the bed. Amelia pulled her legs away from Erik and rolled over onto her side. He smacked her ass cheek while grabbing it roughly. “Good girl. You gone ignore Daddy again?” He asked leaning over to kiss Amelia's shoulder. “No, sir,” Amelia mumbled. “That's what the fuck I thought!” Erik replied standing from the bed.

“Get some rest, princess. Daddy's not done with you yet,” Erik said removing his shirt and heading towards the bathroom. “What?” Amelia said, jolting up from the bed. “Dafuck did you just say to me?” Erik snapped spinning around to meet Amelia's weak and apologetic eyes. “Nothing,” Amelia said as she let her head hit the bed again. “Since you got so much mouth, you got an hour. I know exactly what the next punishment is,” Erik said grinning.

Taglist: @kirayuki22 @revealingco @nahimjustfeelingit-writes

[maxdibert]

Lila and Lenú are two sides of the same coin.

I often come across criticisms of one or the other, mostly against Lenú, which is understandable because Lenú is not a likable narrator. Lenú is not a narrator who endears herself to the reader. She tells us her story like a personal diary, laying herself bare to share her desires, ambitions, loves, and achievements, but also her insecurities. And Lenú is terribly insecure. She has always had very low self-esteem, and it is this lack of confidence that often leads her to terrible behaviors or even regrettable decisions. But most of all, her constant insecurity throughout her story (and her life) is focused on constantly comparing herself to Lila, which at various points in the saga makes the reader find her heavy and even exasperating, as she is unable to overcome that childhood rivalry even when both are living in completely different worlds.

On the other hand, Lila can also be disliked at times. Lila is selfish, resentful, and unstoppable when she wants to hurt someone—she knows exactly how to do it. Lila is ambitious but hasn't had opportunities, so when they arise, she steps over everyone to seize them. Lila is not fair and sometimes has a very biased view. Lila is toxic and can be truly damaging. But without Lila, there would be no Lenú. And without Lenú, there would be no Lila, because they are the center of each other's worlds, and their absolutely turbulent, poisonous, and codependent friendship is what not only shapes the Neapolitan Novels but is also the constant driving force in their lives.

Lenú is the narrator without natural talent, but with enormous work discipline. She has envied Lila since childhood and feels terribly inadequate next to her because what Lenú achieved through hard work, Lila possessed with natural brilliance. Lila was the brilliant friend, the one who learned to count and read by herself, and who, despite being forced to leave school, would always have the ability to surpass Lenú if she wanted. This is something that haunts Elena throughout her life: the fear of confronting the reality that if Lila had been able to keep studying like her, she would probably have outshone her as she always did in their neighborhood. The ghost of being the second, always one step behind her genius friend—the one who is thinner, prettier, more extroverted, and more charismatic—marks Lenú’s growth process, and its effects are visible even in adulthood. But it is precisely because of this, the fear of being overshadowed by Lila, that Lenú strives to be the best she can be, to reach the highest possible level. Lila is Lenú’s motivation. Lenú, who over the years tries to shake off the dust and grime of her humble origins, to distance herself from that neighborhood full of poverty and violence, to become a self-made intellectual bourgeois woman who wants nothing to do with those uneducated poor savages she grew up with. And yet, she always ends up back in the neighborhood. She cannot escape her own nature, her origins, her blood. She cannot escape Lila.

Lila is the genius, the one who could have been greater than anyone, the girl who was forced to leave school and got married at just 15, thinking she could escape her home but ended up trapped in an even worse hell. She always wanted to leave, see the world, and she was the one who pushed Lenú from childhood to dream and go beyond. And she is the one who ends up abandoning all her dreams, acquiring a cold, raw, and cynical view of life, politics, and social classes. Lila is terribly envious. She envies Lenú because Lenú has the life she always wanted, without realizing that Lenú envies her for having the energy she always longed for. She envies Lenú because Lenú has been able to leave the neighborhood, because she can study, because she has choices. That’s why, when Lenú messes up, Lila always gets angry with her and reproaches her, because if Lenú messes up, then what does Lila have left? Lila is the neighborhood, the origins, the wild, the dark—she is the reminder that no matter how far Lenú goes or how high she climbs, she will always be from the neighborhood. Because you can take the girl out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the girl. Lila is strong and weak at the same time, she is invincible and terribly vulnerable. And this weakness, this vulnerability, she only shows to Lenú. She only fears in front of Lenú, only cries in front of Lenú, only shows herself lost with Lenú. Because Lila, who is visceral, who is from the earth, from the roots, knows deep down that she and Lenú have a connection that goes beyond years and misfortunes. Because Lenú, though she will never know it, is her brilliant friend.

The magic of their relationship is that they are each the brilliant friend to the other, and that makes them both wary of each other, while simultaneously falling into their toxic dynamics again and again. But at the end of the day, they always have each other, even if in a completely dysfunctional and quite messed-up way. I could spend hours and hours talking about them, but I will just say that their relationship is the most incredible I have ever read about two female protagonists. It’s complex, it’s beautiful, it’s horrible at times, exasperating most of the time. It’s treacherous, it’s doomed, it’s stronger than everything, weaker than most. It is, in the end, just like life itself.

[celestemagnoliathewriter]

Knives and the House of Black

You know who loves knives? Members of the Black family, that's who. In my newer writings, I've been exploring knives and what they can do for the Black family. This is based in canon - Bellatrix has her handy dagger, which kills Dobby and wounds Hermione (and who knows who else), and Sirius gifts Harry a knife that can open doors (until the blade is destroyed). Personally I love the idea of the Black family having a love affair with knives.

In my micro fic for the @ladiesofhpfest's mini yesterday in honor of Bellatrix Black Lestrange, I introduced a tradition of Black family witches and wizards getting knives on their 13th birthdays. This tradition came out of the world building I'm doing in my Tedromeda/Remadora AU, Supernova. I've pre-written a good bit of the work, which includes some knife head canons. I'm happy to share them here, and if you're reading Supernova, you'll see how they all fit into the story as it goes on.

HCs for Black family knives:

Knives are goblin-wrought and imbued with a ton of familial magic. Droplets of Black family blood are folded into the silver to create a particular blood magic that prevents Black family members from harming each other with their knives. The blade dulls if it touches another family member.

How related do you have to be? The magic holds with concentration, so once you get past grandparents, it's lethal. E.g. Scorpius Malfoy and Teddy Lupin couldn't hurt each other because their grandmothers were Blacks, but their children could hack each other apart if they wanted to. This also means that Black family members' spouses are fair game - e.g. Bellatrix can play with Rodolphus as much as she likes (and she really likes).

The knives have magic of their own: when they're 13, the knives have the basic Black family magic, but when they turn 17, the knives have gotten to know their owner enough that a new, unique type of magic is revealed. (See below for each of their magics!)

The knife *always* returns to its owner unless its magic is modified or the owner is deceased. If the knife is stolen or lost, it'll come back the next day.

Black family witches wear their knives around their thighs. The holsters are lightweight and barely noticeable. The holster is made of leather and the blade cleans itself within. Black family wizards keep them on their arms or in their pockets. The witches usually get daggers and the wizards usually get pocketknives. Either way, they're self-cleaning so they don't have to worry about dirty blood on their bodies.

The Black family magic can't be taken away, even if someone is disowned.

The knives are long enough to pierce the heart, or can be extended to do so.

The witches' daggers tend to be very ornate looking, with flowers, stars, or other patterns engraved in the handles. They're innocent looking until you're being stabbed and losing consciousness. Yay!

The wizards' knives are handsome and practical-looking. They look like ordinary pocketknives most of the time until you realize that they're about to shank you.

Now, for specific HCs on what the knives can do for each family member when they turn 17 (this is an incomplete list - it's what I have so far for Supernova, which is mostly centered on the Black family witches):

Walburga: her knife BURNS. If she's stabbing you with her dagger, it's going to scorch your skin and make your blood boil. Ouch.

Orion: his pocketknife is Walburga's opposite. It freezes, so imagine getting stabbed in the heart and then having your heart grow cold at the same time. Goodbye life.

Alphard: his pocketknife is a dual-purpose compass. It can give him directions as needed, but also points to what he most desires (think Jack Sparrow's special compass).

Cygnus: his knife temporarily blinds its victim. Not only can he stab you, but you'll be blinded for a hot minute, which makes it hard to escape.

Bellatrix: her knife ALWAYS leaves a mark. She can carve whatever she wants into whoever she wants. That scar is never going away.

Andromeda: her knife doubles as an escape. She can swish it around and create a quick bubble with which she can Apparate away as needed.

Narcissa: her knife changes shape according to her wish. This is useful with potions, but extra useful if she wants to inflict maximum damage on someone by using a serrated blade.

Sirius: his knife is the pocketknife that opens any door. He's clever enough to change the magic on it so he can gift it to Harry, because he's had enough of his family and Harry has more use for it now.

Regulus: his knife becomes invisible to anyone but him. It's an excellent way of being able to sneakily attack someone. You think he's going in for a hug or a handshake and boom, bye-bye life.

Nymphadora/Dora: this is particular to Supernova, my story, as she's being raised under different circumstances. Her dagger will heal her. When she runs her blade against a wound on her body (and her body alone) it will seal itself.

It's all fun, games, and knives, until one of them is fucking you up with their knife and having a fabulous time doing so.

[dgoldhunter]

I'm so done...

Don't get me wrong, I loved many things about apology tour (mainly Verosika) but I was hoping this to be the break from the drama of Stolitz instead of a continuation of it. And thought I loved Verosika and her final interactions with Blitz... it felt a little... I dunno.. not logical? (not her interactions, but most of the episode)

Stolas and Blitz relationship is a whole can of worms on its own, but I'm on the team that Stolas was forcing Blitz, like I mean in the pilot of HB it showed how uncomfortable Blitz was with him, and in the very first episode how he was forced to it since he was in a very dire situation (and Stolas knew about it, since he is seeing it developing in real time throught his bubbles)... (and I mean, the pilot face says it all)

But back on track...

So my questions, how Verosika knew about their break up? All of it happened between Stolas home, not even in public, and I don't think Stolas posted it on social media... also Why is she treating him so nicely and touchy? I mean on Ozzies, the bouncer showed reverence when he saw Stolas and let him in alongside Blitz.

I could see her treating him with more respect, or asking him if its alright to hug him or something because of his royal status, or at least refer to him as "your highness" (and in Stolas fashion he would be like "Oh don't need to be so formal but eh... anyway). Sure, they are in a more casual and comfortable environment, but even then, there are some manners expected when approaching a royal. If you are going to disregard his status, then why have a ladder with the different races and their social hierarchy? I get it was to show how sweet Verosika was really, but there could be a ton of approaches to this (and it wasn't hard to tell, since she was only mean to Blitz and has been speculated since her first appearance she is really nice and lovely once you get to know her).

And talking about approaches, this episode could be PERFECT to explore more about Blitz and Verosika. Yes, they talked at the end and we get to hear that the shitshow Blitz pulled on Verosika was after she told him she loved him (and she admitted she was embarrassed since it was the first time she felt that way). Put Stolas on the sidelines for a little while, and focus on these two. Maybe not a hearfelt talk for the whole episode, but making Blitz realize that before he could apologize to Stolas, he needed to work on himself first and foremost(because his apology to him was very forced as well). I think their talk came too quickly, and even then, why talk? Why Blitz would ask Stolas for forgiveness? In his eyes on Full Moon, Stolas was using him and he ended their contract, so he snapped (rightfully so, he first forced him and now is tossing him aside).

Or hell, make it about Blitzo and his past relationships including her, how he fucked up every single one of them, knowing about more about how he meet them, how he fucked up in every single one of them, make him feel remorse since the beginning, not to just feel remorse at the end just because he couldn't get the uwu bird back. (In one episode of "The mentalist" TLDR: Doc Dungan, a football star, is told to the media to be dead when in fact he is alive. He gets to watch what people really think of him, including his ex wife, and gradually this was the wake up call he needed to stop being a self-centered asshole, more things of the episode of course, but i liked this take, now that Blitz was in a somewhat similar situation of him not being dead but having the opportunity to see and hear his exs opinions, honest opinions, about him, not just the hate part).

And... putting all this behind, WTF with Verosika's psycho break with the cake? Her voice completly changed and it feel... odd. Sure, she is not fan of Blitz, and everytime he showed up, she showed the contempt and the bitterness towards him. So this change of personality of hers stabbing the cake with so much malicious intent felt really odd coming from her. Like, following HB logic (ugh, and there isn't much), this outburst is more like how Stella would react to a Stolas cake, seeing her cartoonish hate towards him and how she treats him. Verosika never had that type of "hate" towards Blitzo. In Spring Broken aside from the fight on the parking lot, she was ignoring him, until he came to challenge her. And in Ozzies was a coincidence both of them were there at the same time, and she took the opportunity when it presented to diss on him.

So her acting like a maniac vengeful ex who wants him dead seems a non logical change (and if she wanted him dead, like the scene implied, she has the resources to ask for a hitman). I get the cake was there as pettiness symbol. But still pettiness is different from hate. And then revert that change that on was during 2/4 of the episode (the manical laughter also set me off).

At the end it was showed that she still cares for him in a way (showed in the lasts bits of the episode)... so? I would also expect that kind of murderous rage from people with absolute hate and bitterness (again, like how they are depicting Stella, damn, Stella acted the same way when discussing Stolas death if I recall and in other situations when Stolas was almost hurt).

I don't think she was acting to make him feel welcome (because Stolas looked uncomfortable when she started to act that way, and I get many exes would have those feelings towards him, but... ) and she definitely wasn't drunk, even if she have been drinking since the start of the party, it think at this point, she has a very high tolerance, so she would need a lot more to get drunk.

So yea, I loved Verosika and her return, but I expected an episode centered around her (like spring broken was) instead of shifting the focus again to stolas and blitz, who have been the main focus since the beginning of season 2. If Verosika knew about the whole shit Stolas pulled, I don't think she would have invited him to the party, since the exes part means a consesual relationship, something that Blitz and Stolas thing wasn't. Hell, I think if she could, she would have called him out (again, yes, she hates Blitz, but she still cares, I don't think she would have liked to know how his ex was raped repeatedly) since now its shown that his royal status is bleh.

So yeah, the episode felt like a excuse to comfort Stolas, still make Blitz the bad guy, give Stolas the thumbs up and comfort while Blitz rots in self hate. Verosika being the tool to comfort the poor uwu bird.

Uf, this was a long rant, and even if you don't agree, that's fine. I'm just a guy who loves Verosika Mayday... but is already tired of the writing that pushes this couple at the center of all of it.

[thecapricunt1616]

Blue Lotus - SxC One-Shot

♡ O/S Inspo: Blue Lotus - In Vedic Hindu tradition, the lotus represents enlightenment as well as purity. It is the symbol of the consciousness rising out of the mud of Maya and attaining its original nature or self-realization. 

♡ Summary: Carmen accidentally almost checks out of life permanently due to a migraine fucking up his vision, and Sugar flips & sends him off to a trauma rehabilitation center, Syd is realizing she finds it extremely hard to stay away from him.

♡ W/C: 7,616

♡ Posted Date: 04/06/2024

♡ A/N: This is my first SydCarmy fic aaa!!! I have a hard time writing in 3rd unless its not my characters, so writing in 3rd for them was okay! This OS is all thanks to the LOML - the person who FULLY turned me into a #SydCarmy4Lifer - @gingergofastboatsmojito - This fic was HEAVILY - heavily, inspired by hers - Tucson, It can be found right ❀ here ❀ - My only request is you go read hers if you are going to read this one!! Her SydCarmy fics are the best, and the only ones I really read, give her a follow because her SydCarmy theories are also out of this world. Also, YES GINGER - Stardust is .... a horse - ol' girl TOLD THEM she'd always be watching!! If you'd like to meet Madame in her human form, mosey on over here - this fic also heavily inspired me to write for SydCarmy hahaha. If y'all want more of Blue Lotus let me know! I have ideas for a PT 2 if it would fancy anyone :)

♡ Warnings for BTC: Accidental OD , Vomit, Sad Syd, but fluffy kinda!! Only lightly edited (we die like men), OC Carmy (IM SORRY) we all know he's down bad for her so maybe this can be considered IC Carm, because were just in his head more then watching him? But that's all basically.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

Carmen was sick as a dog. Well - physically- the mental demons never stopped nagging at his overall happiness level, but it had been a long time since he’d felt this horrible, physically speaking, at least. 

His muscles were aching, to the point any brush on his skin left a dull pain in its wake. His throat was swollen and sore, he had a terrible fever- his head felt like it was so full of pressure that it would explode. 

He’d never experienced a headache like this before. His vision was actually spotty, there were little blotches in his vision, that were... glowing? He wasn’t quite sure, it was beyond the realm of anything he’d ever felt or seen before. 

That was what must have caused him to grab his black bottle of oxydose he’d gotten after a root canal he had a few months back- rather then his liquid Zyrtec cold and flu liquid medicine. 

The pain in his head was so bad, he didn’t even question why the usual cherry flavor had been replaced with bubblegum, as he swallows straight from the bottle, before putting the cap back on and going back to the couch, collapsing in the nest of pillows and blankets. 

It was only about 10 minutes, and Carmy was feeling fine- no…Carmen was feeling… amazing. 

His limbs all felt very heavy, but he felt warm, and comfortable. As comfortable as he’d ever felt. He actually found himself thinking ‘have I ever felt this good?!’ And before he knew it, he was laughing to himself about how he should double dose cold medicine more often, because he felt as if he was on cloud fucking nine. 

He laid back on the couch, closing his eyes, and wasn’t sure just how long he laid there that way. It could have been minutes, hours, days for all he knew. The only thing he was thinking of, was her. He began wondering what she was doing right now, if she was adorably leaned over the counter, writing in her little notebook- her braids cascaded over her face like a beautiful beaded curtain. 

If the blood in his arms hadn’t been replaced with cement, he’d have grabbed his phone and called her, and poured out his entire heart to her. Because nothing else in the world right now mattered. Carmen had no other thoughts, the past didn’t exist, nor did the future. The only thing that existed in this world at this very moment, was Sydney. 

‘Psssst’ 

Carmen opens his heavy lids, just barely, his vision was blurry and almost doubled. “Mmm?” He hums, not even sure if he heard someone- or why he would hear someone. He lived alone, and didn’t hear anyone come in. 

‘Yo. Dipshit.’ Carmen knew that voice anywhere. 

“What?” Carmy looked around, and knew something was very amiss, when his brother was standing there in his living room, looking at him. He had this ethereal glow to him. 

“What the fuck” Carmen said, sitting back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.  

‘You’re nodding out right now. Here’s what y’gonna do.’ 

Carmen couldn’t do anything but nod his head obediently, was Mikey really here? He couldn’t be- he was hallucinating. 

“Monkey are you here?” Carmen asks softly, rubbing his eyes again to see if he would disappear. He didn’t. 

‘I’m as here as you’ll be if Y’don’t listen. Crawl to the fucking bathroom and throw up. She’s gonna be here f’you, don’t fight her’ 

Before Carmy could look back at him and question what he meant - he was gone. 

Carmen suddenly felt…much too hot. He tried getting up, but narrowly missed bashing his skull on the coffee table trying to get to the bathroom, so he decided to take his wise older brother's advice and crawl there instead. 

He didn’t finish the journey, though. He actually collapsed in the bathroom a few feet in front of the toilet, luckily on his stomach. 

He was catching all sorts of luck today, because Syd had insisted she go and check on Carmy, as he was supposed to be at work today but hadn’t said a word- and that was nothing like him. 

She got the extra key from Nat, and told her she would go check because ‘Pregnant women have by nature weaker immune systems’ and would blame herself if she ‘let Carmen get her sick’, so she convinced Sugar to let her go by herself. 

When Sydney had opened the door, the first thing that greeted her was loads of empty Gatorade bottles on the coffee table near the couch, and a random French cooking show playing on the tv. 

“Carm?” She calls, but when she saw one of his feet sticking out from the bathroom, she dropped her bag and ran, gasping when she saw him splayed out there in a puddle of vomit, looking sickly pale, with dark blue lips and fingertips. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!” She shrieked, getting him on his side as fast as she could and quickly pushing the emergency button on her phone, putting the call on speaker and setting it to the bathroom counter. 

“Carmen? CARMEN! Wake up!” She slapped his arm, shaking him violently. “Carmen! Oh- oh god.” She said nervously. 

‘911 do you need fire, medical, or police?’ The woman at the other end says. 

“Medical! Medical my friend- oh god Carmen” she shakes his shoulders. 

“Okay what’s your emergency?” The operator asks 

“Uhh- I- he’s- so he’s thrown up, he’s passed out, his pulse is weak- he- his lips- t-they’re blue. oh Carmy” she touches his cold clammy forehead. “He- he’s- he’s cold oh my god why is he COLD can you fucking send someone Jesus Christ!” Sydney snaps angrily. 

“Okay- it sounds like he is having an opioid crisis ma’am, do you have narcan available?” The operator asked her and Syds heart drops. 

“No- what? No! He- he wouldn’t- his brother- he…get here!” She said frantically and quickly told her the address of Carmen’s apartment complex.

“Yes, yes you’re calling on an Iphone, ma’am - we have your exact coordinates. Just in case - do not try to make him throw up more, make sure his airway is clear- what is your name?” The woman asked her. 

“Sydney- my name is fucking Sydney - but it doesn’t matter! He matters! My god! His name is Carmen- C-Carmen fucking Berzatto! Put that in your notes lady! He- he’s 31- where the fuck is the ambulance?!” She uses all of her strength to get him leaned up against the counter. 

His vomit was getting everywhere, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t find a way to care, the only thing that mattered to her was that each breath Carmy was taking looked more and more difficult. 

“They are en route! Remain calm, how long have you known this friend?” The Operator tried to distract Sydney, since there was only so much you could do for an OD patient if there was no narcan. 

“He- he’s my…my partner we run a restaurant together. This doesn’t matter! Save him. Please! I can’t loose him!” She said, shaking his shoulders. 

“Carmen! You fucking asshole! What did you do!!!” She shouts at him. “You would never do this! What did you do!!!” She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, it didn’t matter though- Carmen wasn’t awake to see it. 

No, Carmen was far, far away. Somewhere floating between life and death, he felt like he was being embraced in the warmest most comforting hug he’d ever felt, he’d never been more comfortable in his life. 

But Syd, was in hell. Her own personal version of it. It felt like a lifetime before 2 paramedics came barreling into the bathroom, one of them holds Carmys head steady and the other sprays a full dosage of narcan in his nose. 

Sydney stood in the corner near the shower, shaking hands cupping her face absolutely terrified. 

Carmen was up now, nearly the second the paramedic hit the plunger release. He sits up with a gasp, eyes wide like a caged animal. 

“What the fuck.” He mumbles, looking at both of them before meeting eyes with Syd. 

“Syd?” He blinks a few times. 

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding “you asshole” she grumbles, wiping her teary eyes. 

“You’re home, you’re safe, you overdosed. Do you take opioids often?” The paramedic asked, putting a blood pressure cuff around Carmen’s arm. 

“What? No- what the fuck don’t touch me!” Carmen snaps, ripping off the cuff and whipping it across the bathroom “stop- stop! Stop touching me- get away” he shouted angrily “I’m fine” he hissed. 

“CARMEN!” Sydney barks, she’d never used that tone with him- so it was fair to say it very quickly got his attention. 

“You will let them do their job, dick. I just- I- I find you in a puddle of your own vomit on the bathroom floor- I couldn’t wake you up! So now? you’re gonna listen to them.” She said angrily, grabbing the blood pressure cuff from next to her leg where it fell and handing it back to the paramedic.

“Give him your arm.” She snipped. 

Carmen sits back against the bathroom wall like a dog being scolded, wordlessly offering his arm to the paramedic and keeping his gaze fixed on his lap. 

“192 over 96” the paramedic told the other. 

“Christ kid” the paramedic said, “gave you a fuckin dose of narcan and y’wired like y’re on coke” they helped him up and on the gurney. 

“Hes- he’s gonna be okay?” Sydney asked anxiously, watching as they buckled him in by his hips and legs. 

“He's gonna be fine in a day or so.” One of them responded. Carmen just looked away, the shame and embarrassment already looming over his mind like a huge storm cloud. 

“I’m gonna…I’ll- I’ll clean up, and meet you at the hospital, ok? And I’ll have sugar meet you” she told Carmen and went over, giving him a hug. 

He couldn’t understand. It made him slightly angry how sweet she was being to him. He was putting her out, he was fully fucking up her whole day- but all she was worried about was him. 

“Syd..I’m fine. Thanks. But I’m fine. Don't- just…ugh no- please- I’ll do it. Just go- go home. take the day” He said, gently patting her back. 

He wanted to throw his arms around her and never let go, he wanted to kiss her- he wanted to hold her and tell her he would never leave her again. He wanted to tell her he loved her. 

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would, or could for that matter, since he didn’t even realize yet that was what the feeling in his heart really meant. 

“Thank god. Thank god you’re fine, Carm. What would I do without the biggest pain in my ass?” She teased. 

Even though Carmen was hurting all over in a way he didn’t realize was possible, his lungs were aching, as was his entire body, and he felt as if the pressure behind his eyes were going to make them pop out - he smiled. It was slight, of course. But it was there. 

“Couldn’t get rid’a’me if y’tried, Syd.” he told her. 

The ride to the hospital was Carmen’s nightmare. They insisted on the stupid flashing lights and sirens, since his blood pressure was ‘dangerously high’ so he was at risk for a heart attack, and then rolling him out on a stretcher in front of all his neighbors was nothing short of a god damn dumpster fire. 

He was never home, but like hell he’d ever intentionally show his face during the day again. 

The hospital was even worse, he got plugged in to all these monitors and had an oxygen mask, got poked and prodded with needles, and was told he was being put on a 24 hour psych hold per hospital policy after an overdose- just in case he’d been trying to end his own life. 

Sugar got there shortly after the nurses had finally let him be, when he heard her loudly telling them “CARMEN! BERZATTO! Like bear! B-e-r-z-a-t-t-o!!! Where IS HE !” He ripped off the oxygen mask, knowing if she saw him that way he’d never live it down. 

Even though it really was helping ease the ache in his lungs and the pain in his head, he was willing to deal with it for his very pregnant sister not to worry. 

Her heels click as she storms down the hall to his room, ripping the curtain back. 

“Oh- Bear” she said, bursting into tears and rushing up to him, hugging him tightly. “Oh my god, bear. Never do that! What did you do? No- no- you aren’t in trouble, you aren’t in trouble, Carmen. I love you. You just worried me! You made Sydney cry Carmy! What the fuck- what happened?” She cupped his cheeks, observing his exhausted face. 

“Oh you’re sick- you’re so sick- Carmy” she felt his forehead and cheeks with the back of her hand like she did when they were kids. “It was an accident, right, right Bear? You wouldn’t do this?” She said, more pleading him than asking.  

“No. No. No sug, no- I- I’d never. I just fucked up! I’m fine. I’m fine. C’mere” he hugs her close, kissing her head gently. “Stress isn’t good for the baby bear” he joked, hoping it would get her to lighten up. 

“Carmy stop” she pushed away, looking at him seriously. “No. No. This isn’t okay- nothing - nothing about this is okay, bear! You almost died! Syd said- “ she shook her head. “Carmy. I- we can’t do this. We can’t. You’re right.” She sniffled, sitting back in the chair next to his hospital bed and wiping her tears. 

“What- what do you mean?” He sat up a bit. 

“I- if you….i can’t watch you like this anymore, Carmy. I can’t- I can’t see you wither away. Fucking emotionally anymore. It’s killing me. It’s hurting-“ she took a shaking breath. 

“It’s hurting your niece. Carmen. I can’t do it anymore. here.” She dug around her purse, pulling out a brochure. 

“Go- go. Get out of fucking Chicago, Carm. This place- I-i heard of it” she sniffled “its stupid-“ she laughed a bit, shaking her head. “So stupid, fuckin this..this Astrologer. She said in her podcast that this is the best place to go based on the location? I dunno…it’s a therapy place” she said. 

Carmen looked at the Brochure, his brows raising. 

‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ the front contained photos of absolutely breathtaking pine trees, mountains, as well as red cabins. 

‘Blue Lotus is tucked safely away on Big Bear Lake in Big Bear, CA. Come and experience an inpatient by day, outpatient by night 30 day program, along with 15 days of sole inpatient TF-CBT therapy, focused on your direct needs as a patient. We specialize here at Big Bear in Equestrian Therapy, and Cattle Therapy. Enjoy hiking on hundreds of miles of breathtaking trails, and get to know the stunning haven that is Big Bear, California.’ 

“Horses.” Carmen looks at her, unwavered. 

“Yes! They say they like- get us or something? You’ll be back before I give birth. Go. Carmen. Go. Or- or I can’t work there, anymore it-“ she shakes her head, looking down at her swollen belly as hot thick tears stream down her cheeks. “It’s like watching Michael…again. In a different way” she said quietly, wiping her face and looking up at him once again. “Please.” She whispered. 

He shook his head, setting the stupid brochure down on the bedside table and laying back in the bed, grabbing the oxygen since his head was beginning to pound again and putting it back over his face, averting her worried gaze. 

“I don’t have the energy to call these people” he muttered, closing his eyes and resting his head back, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. 

“I- I already got you a bed. I called them…on the way over- I begged them. And they are willing to take you, Carmy. Please. I’ll pick your cabin and everything - you- you stay in a cabin after the 15 days and then for 30 you go back and forth. It sounds so nice, bear. I know they’re gonna take such good care of you think about it- please- will you go?” she got up, pulling him into a hug. 

“Thank you” she whispered after a few moments when he didn’t decline her. 

Carmen didn’t reply. If Sugar really thought that stupid place would make him ‘change’ (if that was even possible) and if she really felt as if it was affecting her child that was growing inside of her- he would give it a try. Even though he felt as if it would be just another money pit in the name of ‘mental health’ that didn’t do a thing. 

“There’s dead man walkin’!” Richie said, Syd following in behind him. 

“Stop! Don’t call him that Richie it was scary!” Syd shoves his shoulder. 

Carmen grabbed the brochure, quickly tucking it under the blanket. 

“Fuck you, cousin” Carmy said, his voice all nasally and low from his flu or whatever the fuck he’d picked up, that had led him to giving himself a cocktail of meds that almost sent him to Michael prematurely by total mistake. 

“Carmen is leaving. As soon as he’s released. So- get your time in he won’t be home for a month or two” Sugar said and sat down, not budging on the issue. 

Carm just rolled his eyes, laying his head back and wanting to melt into a puddle on the floor, but at the same time, he also wanted to pull Syd into the stupidly small hospital bed, and hold her to him, never letting her go. 

“You are?” Syd asked, coming to his bedside and meeting his gaze. 

He just stared at her. Wordlessly, he pulled out the crumpled brochure and offered it to her. She took it, looking at it. Richie comes over as well, peeking over Syd’s shoulder to read. 

“Equestrian therapy? Gonna go play with some horsies Carm?” He teased, his smugness being wiped off his face when Syd stomps on his foot with most of her weight, causing him to whine in pain. 

“Woops! Maybe you should learn some personal fucking space asshole” she shoved back in to him so he would take a few steps back. 

“Ow!” He said dramatically, plopping next to Sugar who was also glaring at him with equal fire. 

“Okay- okay- sorry fuckin hell. The kid is fine” he said and Carmen motions to him. 

“See! See! Jagoff is right sometimes” he said to Syd and she shook her head. 

“This…is good. This is really good. I’m for this.” She said, looking at Sugar before handing the brochure back to him. “I’m… gonna miss you, but…you need to get the fuck out. Like really, out, Carm.” She told him. 

He sighed deeply, resting his head back and closing his eyes once more. 

Whatever will make Syd happy, he would do, no matter the amount of discomfort it brought him. 

“Fine.” He mumbled.  

“Really?” Sugar asked him and he looked over at her, brows slightly furrowed. 

“Want me to fuckin fight you about it?” He snipped, already annoyed with how easy he was giving in- but he was too exhausted to fight, and Syds lavender perfume was so comforting, and so familiar. He just wanted everyone except Syd to leave, and to be able to hold her. 

That wasn’t going to happen though, probably ever was what he’d told himself. No, that would be too good, the universe would be much too kind to Carmy as to let him have the ultimate pleasure and enjoyment that would come from being with her in that way. 

“No…no. I’m sorry. Thank you, Bear. I know this is gonna be good”  Sugar said quietly. 

The doctor came in, saving Carmen from the uncomfortable conversation. “Hello again, Mr.Berzatto. I have your results here- is this okay company? If not I can have them step out for a moment” she’d said. 

Carmen had already completely forgotten her name, her name to him was simple - not Claire. Which was the only good thing to happen to him today. 

“As long as I’m not dying cause these two will pitch a fit. You can go ahead” he said, sitting up slightly in the bed. 

“No, no. you are very healthy, well- for the most part. Does your family have a history of high blood pressure?” She asked, sitting in the rolling chair next to the bed and holding her tablet in her lap. 

“Dad. Dad did, bear.” Sugar said. 

“Oh! Lovely- and did dad also have chronic treatment resistant depression?” The doctor turns to her. 

“I- I don’t know but…I know he was depressed for sure.” Sugar replied honestly. 

“And I know per your file you’re a smoker, heavy or moderate?” The doctor asked 

“Heavy” Syd buts in and Carmen didn’t even have the energy to fight either of the women. 

“So heavy is a pack plus a day does that sound average?” The doctor asked Carmy and he nods a bit. 

“Sometimes…sometimes two. Depending on uh…how shit is” he cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, so we’re gonna need to reduce as much as we possibly can. And we’re also going to speak about treatment options. Have you ever done mental therapy?” She asked Carmen. 

“He’s getting help. Don’t worry” Sugar said, “he’s going to do a therapy program. Blue lotus? Heard of it?” She asked. 

The doctor nods with a slight smile. “That would be wonderful for you, by the looks of your chart.” She got up. 

“Visiting hours are over at 10 pm, he will need to remain here until at least 1 pm tomorrow afternoon- then he’s yours.” She headed towards the door, shutting the privacy curtain behind her before closing the door. 

Richie chuckled “hack job name” he muttered, rubbing his face tiredly. 

“What was her name?” Sugar looked over at him. 

“Doctor Ginseng?” He said, “isn’t that a- a fuckin-“ 

“A root. A very expensive, luxurious root. It can be put into tea, or soup…the native people of China believe it has properties that make your body better deal with stress” Syd said absentmindedly, staring at the clock while nervously twirling the end of one of her braids. 

“She got it” Carm said and the corners of his lips tugged into a smile, just a bit. He absolutely adored the way if Syd wasn’t beating him to the punch when someone asked a random food question- that she was teaching him something. 

Even after years in the kitchen, the hundreds of hours watching cooking shows, Sydney still managed to teach him. He was utterly amazed by her every single day. 

“That’s a good idea. I- I think we have some. Back at the restaurant. All the stuff here will be shit- I’m gonna make you tea. And soup.” she got up, grabbing her bag. “Don’t fucking die when I’m gone, Kay? Guess you need that reminder now” she told him. 

He rolled his eyes slightly “Y’don’t have t’fuckin make me tea Syd. I’m fine.” He said, but something deep inside him yearned for Syd to take care of him. He craved it. 

“I’m making the tea, and you’re drinking the tea. Be back soon” she said before heading out.

Sydney had stuffed Carm full of pastina chicken soup and warm ginseng tea with lemon, ginger root, and plenty of local honey. As well as sourdough bread that Marcus had made fresh that morning. 

They sat and talked, just the two of them for hours until visiting hours were over. The nurse had to actually warn them both that she’d told them 4 times already it was past visiting hours and she ‘wasn’t afraid to have people removed’ before Sydney finally hugged Carmy goodbye and left. 

They both took his leaving for 45 days extremely serious. They’d joked together about just how quickly and casually Sugar had whipped out the information, all put together so neatly - it was quite obvious she’d been waiting for an opportunity to ship Carmen off here. 

They laughed a bit, and shared stories, and of course Carm answered any and every question Syd had about running the restaurant on her own while he was going to be away. 

Syd had even pulled a chair up to the bed at one point, resting her legs across the mattress after taking her shoes off, and her legs were draped across his own. He didn’t dare say anything, though. He was relishing in the feeling of closeness with her, even if it was as close as they’d ever be.  

Syd had actually made him so excited that the nurse had come in when she first came back and Carmy realized they’d be alone, to realize he was perfectly fine- his heart had just settled at a new pace since she was around. 

He was feeling worlds better by the time he’d gotten to the airport on Sunday morning. He’d spent the rest of Saturday evening at Sugars after he’d been discharged from the hospital, and had one last close family meal with Syd, Richie, Nat, and Pete, well, Pete was a must - he couldn’t uninvite the man from his own house, unfortunately. 

Carmen would be in a hotel in Big Bear, California by nightfall, and by the following morning he’d be starting his 15 day inpatient stint at ‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ tucked away on a farm, in a dip of Big Bear Lake. How fitting. 

The parking lot of the airport was full of tears, not from Carmy- of course, but a very tearful Sugar, who’d conveniently spent the rest of his hospital stay packing him 2 weeks of clothes to cycle through, explaining phones were allowed- but they gave the toiletries, since it was a mental health center after all. 

She kept hugging him, kissing his cheeks- as if she was sending him to war and not a fucking treatment center. “Is there…somethin’ I’m missing- am I never coming back er somethin are you selling me to some weird chef collector?” Carmen teased, getting at least a small giggle from her. 

“God no. I just… this will work Carmy. It has to work. You’ll get better, okay? It’ll all be fine.” She wiped her face. He nodded a bit. 

“It’ll work.” He said, he wasn’t sure if he believed it- but if it got her to stop feeling so sad, he would agree. 

“I love you, be safe ok?” She said for the millionth time “and remember look at your phone I sent you-“ 

“The flight number, Nat. I love you. Thank you again” he kissed her cheek, grabbing his suitcase and opening his texts, clicking his flight number she sent him. 

“Gate D11! Thank you Nat. Gotta go now- unless…” he teased. 

She smiled a bit, finally. “Get out of Chicago.” She pat his arm gently and got back in the car to a waiting Pete. 

The flight was okay, it felt much longer than he was expecting, but his anxiety told him a lot of things- he couldn’t trust minute things such as time and how he understands it anymore. The first thing he noticed upon landing was the stunning green, and the crisp air. 

The air felt…cleaner, then Chicago. It was chilly- since fall was quickly approaching. Carmen was suddenly grateful Nat had him put on a hoodie before leaving this afternoon. He had the entire evening to explore, and not be himself. 

He already was feeling some kind of new. He wasn’t here to work, definitely not to play, but he could enjoy himself, because he didn’t have to be him. At least not for the night. He opened the Uber app on his phone, booking a trip to the hotel to check in.  

When he’d gotten to the hotel and showered, dressing in some vintage Levi’s and a white long sleeve in trade for his short sleeve, along with his favorite plaid jacket. He had to get somewhere to see how people live here, how to be apart here, so he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb at this rehab place. 

He’d grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulders and opened Apple Maps on his phone, looking for a park to go sit at and just be. He found a park close by, simply called ‘BearHill Park’ and following the walking directions. 

He’d missed his ventures to various parks in New York, but especially in Copenhagen. Copenhagen had the most beautiful sunsets Carmen had ever seen before. He missed it sometimes, not the work, but the life. It felt worlds more simple then his life now, where every relationship, every aspect of his job- was dripping with difficulty to manage it all. 

When he got to the park, he’d found an oak tree that looked well over 200 years old, getting situated under it and resting against the trunk, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.  

He watched a couple and a baby walking by, carefully though as he’d learned quickly as a child most people don’t take kindly to being looked at for more then a few moments at a time. But Carmen didn’t watch people in an odd way, of course. He was just wanting to observe, see how he should be. And in a place so new, so out of his ordinary all by himself, it was gonna take a lot of observing to get himself readjusted. 

He watched as the father pushed the carriage along, the mother holding his hand happily. They were far away so he couldn’t hear what they were speaking about, but it must be funny because their heads were tilted back in laughter multiple points throughout the conversation as they continued on. 

He continued on his cigarette, his eyes now finding a younger couple. He sat up a bit, leaning further against the tree to get a better look. From behind, the woman reminded him a lot of Syd, of course it wasn’t- but it was also the way her boyfriend or- husband- Carmen wasn’t emotionally advanced enough to look for a ring, he’d never needed to before.

It was how his arms were covered in tattoos, and his hair was a muss of dirty blonde curls like his. It was how the woman was beautifully tall, with stunning long black braids, and a floral scarf tied around the top of her head. She was much more…boisterous then Syd, but none the less. They looked like them in another world.  

So not only, has this other man, found his Syd, the universe was determined to rub Carmen’s nose in it, or that’s how he took it, anyhow. 

He scoffed a bit, rolling his eyes and looking the other way. Of course. He thought. Everyone can be happy but me. I’m headed to adult crazy camp! And those two are just, fuckin happy and in love. 

The girl laughed loudly, causing Carmen to look back over. “CAMREN!” She squeaked as he tickled her. “Cam! Stop- I-I can’t breathe!! You asshole” she punched his shoulder playfully. 

“Do you give up?! Say it!!!” The man countered, continuing the assault on her sides. 

“No- NO! This- this is cheating!” She said, interrupted by her own laughs. 

“Cheating?! No, I'm getting what’s rightfully mine Scarlett!” He pinned her arms above her head. 

Carmen now looked away. He couldn’t help but think of Syd while watching them, and think of everything he was too pussy to pull off. He wished he could take Syd somewhere like this, but who would run the restaurant, and why would she say yes. 

He’d finished his cigarette by the time the couple had left and he took out his sketchbook and the pen that lived inside of it. He looked at the recipe on his phone Syd had sent ‘Farro Mafaldine with browned Black Truffle Butter and Chanterelles mushrooms’ 

He had tried it for her, and he actually told her he wanted another bite to be sure he was ‘getting everything’ when really- it was just so fantastic he couldn’t stop at one single bite. 

“Syd that is…wow. Really, really fuckin fire. If it weren’t for the mushroom, we’d need that on the permanent menu. Have you tried others?” He’d asked. 

Syd just smiled and nodded, a lot of times she was around Carmen- she thanked god for her darker complexion, considering he made her feel overly hot, all the time. Nearly every time he spoke to her, and she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t always this way. But ever since they opened the restaurant together- things had changed between them. Not for better, not for worse, the energy just… shifted. 

Carmen got lost in thought of Syd, and before he could realize what he was doing- he was drawing her. He rested his elbow on his knee, crouched over as he added details to each intricate little braid. It was one of Carmen’s favorite things about Sydney. 

No matter how she wore her hair, she looked absolutely beautiful. The braids, he did have to admit, were his favorite. Maybe it was because it was how her hair was when they met, but they interested him. He wanted to sit and watch her doing them. She told him a while back, she did them herself. 

Apparently, her mother wasn’t able to teach her- but she had cousins that could. She says it was usually much more expensive to have it done then just do it yourself, that part made sense to him. He was really impressed the first time he told her, she laughed a bit at that.  

‘Most of us do our own hair, I mean- unless you got it like that. But otherwise, just like the white girls we have to do it on our own’ Carmen blushed, feeling silly for not realizing. 

‘Yeah- yeah I..I get that but. I dunno…I’ve seen Sug do her hair…it seems easier” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

‘Oh, well yeah, that’s why I only do mine every 6 weeks!’ She’d said, wiping down the counter. 

‘Really? Well that’s cool. I thought you like…I dunno.’ He chuckled a bit. 

‘That I went home, took out 200 plus braids, and then put them all back in before I come in every day?’ She teased. 

Now Carmen’s cheeks were bright red. ‘Okay- listen I’m not a girl. I wouldn’t know’ 

Carmen caught himself smiling at the memory. He looked up at the setting sky, and his heart fluttered a bit at the beauty of it. He’d realized he’d sat there now for probably 5 hours, his back was aching, but he didn’t care. 

He didn’t care because this was the most at peace he’d felt since moving back to the states. And he was alone. He snapped a photo of the gorgeous sunset with his phone, hitting the send button and hovering over Syds name for a moment, before deciding to click it. 

She did tell him to text her when she got settled in after all. 

In CA - this place lives up to the name. Never seen so many bear statues in my life. 

He sends the text, with the photo attached, not even realizing the photo had been a live capture, and you could fully see the drawing of Syd for half a second if you held the photo down. 

He put his phone back in his pocket, continuing on his drawing. Back in Chicago, Syd was very glad that she was working today- because the only thing on her mind otherwise was one single person. 

“Okay guys! I need some hands here- we got 3 dishes for table 13 let’s move! Keep up the pace!” She called out. She had already been here 12 hours, and wasn’t planning on being out for another 6. 

It was just how Sydney operated - she couldn’t sit and worry about Carmen. It would just unearth emotions she didn’t want to go searching for, and once they came up she was worried it would ruin absolutely everything she’d worked so hard to maintain. 

And back across the country, 2,000 miles away, Carmen was contently packing his backpack, getting up, and heading to a small diner he’d seen. He enjoyed a quiet burger to himself, in the corner booth, looking out the window at the water. 

The place truly was beautiful, and very hidden away. There were barely any cars here, it was fully the opposite of anywhere he’d stayed long term, and he was beginning to feel as if he needed that, he wouldn’t admit that to sugar, though. 

He’d gone back to his hotel, taken a shower, gotten in his pajamas, and was laid in bed, watching some random cooking show on the food network since the TV unfortunately didn’t have YouTube like his did. 

When Sydney had seen the photo, she almost didn’t realize it was live at first. She was also at home, finally in bed- but she was 2 hours ahead of Carmen- so instead of it being 11 pm- it was 1 am. She’d scrubbed the restaurant floor until she was sure someone could eat off it, and made sure every station was in perfect condition before returning home.  

She laid in bed with sore hands, a sore back, and sore knees, and sore- well, everything. When she finally had checked her phone and seen it. She smiled a bit at the comment about the bear statues, clicking the photo open to see more. 

It was a breathtaking sunset for sure. She went to close the photo, her thumb lingering because she saw a speck of white in the corner- and the photo started moving. For just a short moment she sees…. Herself? On the page of Carmen’s sketchbook.

She could feel her heart thumping in her throat. Why would he be drawing her? Unless- no! Keep the emotions buried! He is sick. He is so depressed- treatment resistant depression the doctor had said his chart showed. 

She swallowed thickly, not sure what to say back. Should she just ignore it? Should she mention it boldly? Should she just…forget about it and convince herself it didn’t happen? 

She typed and retyped the message multiple times, smiling to herself a bit as she jokingly typed out ‘pretty sunset, even prettier drawing.’ Before deleting it and retyping before hitting send;

fire sunset. so I take it big bear is treating the bear well so far?

Carmen looked at the message right away, smiling to himself a bit. She’d never called him bear before, something about it made his heart begin to race. 

According to Nat, bear+big bear = depression gone, I’ll let you know in a few days if that's the truth.

He wasn’t sure about the whole equestrian therapy thing still, but he did know that being here seemed to allow him to breathe a little easier- and he was already here, so he would try.

The first 5 days in the inpatient program were…quite the adjustment. That was because it was what he learned was the most intensive part of the treatment, and meant to break down your walls by setting you in a hard routine so you had no choice but to think about your shit. 

This included a wake-up time of 6 am, the lights in his inpatient room literally turned on, then at 7:30 was breakfast, then- at 8 am they had 1 hour of either equestrian class, which you learned how to begin caring for the horses, or an hour of tending to the cows - Carmen chose the Horses because he was not going to shovel cow shit. 

Then, you had a therapy class of your choice from 9-11:30, he chose art therapy. It didn’t feel like therapy to him, they got to draw, or paint. Carmen just sat by the window, drawing different recipes - or, more often than not, drawing Syd from memory. 

12:00 was lunch, 12:30-2:00 you had mandatory either equestrian therapy, or cattle therapy. Carmen was more drawn towards the cattle on hard days, and the horses on easier ones. This was because the hour of 3-4 was mandatory group therapy. That usually emotionally drained him until at least art therapy the following day, since to progress and complete the program- you need ‘participation points’ in your 15 day inpatient stay, before you’re trusted to be on your almost fully on your own for a whole 30 days. 

The horses were usually nervous around new people, so it was a challange to get them to trust him. While the cows, people in the group joked- were ‘giant grass puppies’ the therapy consisted of literally just laying with the lazy cows and cuddling them, and feeding them snacks, which they very much enjoyed, and Carmen found to be very soothing once he learned to douse himself in bug spray before heading in the pen so the flys would be out of his way.

Then, dinner was at 5, and afterwards you had the evening to yourself in your room, or you could walk the trails until they closed at sunset. In your room you could watch tv, read, and the residents were also allowed to have their cellphones.  

It was quite exhausting the first 5 days, but the second 5 he was getting into a groove at Blue Lotus. He was beginning to enjoy the hard manual work that came with working with the animals, and the time it took to build their trust. There was one particular horse Carmen had become fond of, a white horse named Stardust. Perfect name for her. 

When he looked in her eyes she felt more human then most people he met in real life. She was different then the other horses. He’d been told that she rarely took to men, and that he was the only male she’d never need startled by. He always took extra time brushing her mane, and they both seemed to appreciate eachothers silence. 

Carmen heard other people in stalls next to him, they would talk to the horses- dump their issues they were too afraid to tell their therapists out on them. He wondered if the horses ever got annoyed, he probably would if he was a horse. He smiled a bit at the thought, and it was almost as if Stardust could tell what he was thinking, because she turned her head and looked at him before snorting almost in agreement and sticking her head back out of the stall. 

Getting into outpatient life at lotus though, was as easy as falling into bed for Carmen. His inpatient stay, he made sure to take the time in the evenings to learn his favorite quiet trails, the ones less taken usually, so when he graduated to outpatient - he could take stardust for rides on his own.

 It took them about 3 days to get to know each other in that regard, it was mostly Carmen’s fault though he realized, because when he’d get nervous he’d pull on her reigns in such a way that she thought he meant for her to go faster - when it was the opposite. But, Stardust was so, so patient with Carmen. 

He made sure to sneak her extra apples with a small drizzle of honey in return, so she knew her patience with him always came with great reward. 

Carmen had been gone for about a month now, he and Syd would text intermittently, sugar was sure to call once a week and they’d talk for about an hour. But it was mostly quiet from Carmen’s end, he had told them it was because he was usually out, all day long unless he was at therapy. 

It was day 19 of the outpatient part of the program, so he had just 11 days left. He had just finished his morning art therapy, and was in the stables tending to stardust, feeding her slices of pumpkin they’d had in the snack bucket for the horses today. “Come onnn- the tongue, really star” he wipes his wet hand on his jeans and she nudged his shoulder with his nose, asking for more. 

“You are greedy! I’m always the first one in here y’gotta leave some for the rest of these guys!” He grabbed another piece of pumpkin, feeding it to her. 

“And this is our horse stable, he spends a lot of time out here” Carmen heard one of the employees likely giving someone a tour, only half listening. 

Stardust snorts at him, nudging his chest and he rubs her neck gently. “What is it? Y’done? Pumpkin not good enough for ya? No honey apples until after our ride or Y’don’t listen missy” he pats her head gently. 

“I didn’t take you for a horse guy but I guess drop anyone off in the middle of nowhere and you’d be surprised. 34 days and you went full fuckin’ cowboy on me- are those boots, Carm? ” An all too familiar voice said from the large open sliding door of the stable He looked at stardust for a moment, he must be dreaming, or ODing again. Maybe he died, and had been dead the entire time. Because there was no way he could believe Sydney Adamu was standing behind him, 2000 miles away from their shared city, in Big Bear, California.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[fastcardotmp3]

Nancy & Eddie; Nancy & Wayne; 1.4k; post-S1; the melancholy of Christmas; grief/mourning

That night, after Steve goes home and the leftovers are put away and the voices from Mike's walkie talkie murmur through the walls, Nancy creeps past the gleaming tree in the living room and out the front door.

The dark of the sky is gray with the potential for overnight snow and her layers of shirt and sweatshirt and coat and scarf and gloves keep the cold from permeating too quickly, but her cheeks pink over before she reaches the end of the cul-de-sac, let alone her destination.

She shouldn't be out this late. Her mother would hate it if she weren't wine drunk and sleepy enough not to notice, and there's not a good place for Nancy to do what she needs to do, but it's also not an optional thing.

It's not, to her.

There's no grave to visit at the cemetery, because Barb isn't dead to anyone else the way she is to Nancy, but she goes there anyway. Has been. Will continue to.

She's making do, in this and in so many other ways, and so she tries not to feel the utter not enough-ness of the little stack of stones she's built in a lopsided pyramid under a big oak tree with far-stretching branches right at the highest point of the cemetery.

She tries not to think about how she can't add Barb's name to this sham of a grave, can't even call it that when Barb's body is trapped somewhere she can never reach and thus can't bring home either.

Nancy just lowers herself to the cold, hard earth and goes about straightening the pile again, as she always does. She uses them as a barrier this time, a little fenced-in square to hold up the poinsettias she'd stolen from the centerpiece that had sat in the center of their Christmas dinner.

Her hands tremble. She lets them.

Her swallow grows thick. She lets it.

Her tears do not fall. They stay caught in her gut where the rest of her guilt resides, the rest of all her worthless searching, the rest of the hope she never got to mourn for fear of seeming ungrateful for the return of her brother's best friend.

Nancy sits here in front of her makeshift memorial and she does not cry, because there are no tears, and she does not speak, because there are no words, but her heart screams loud enough to shake the town apart.

Her soul wails and laments and begs. She lets it.

She lets it be loud enough that she doesn't hear the footsteps coming up behind her until there's the quiet clear of a throat and question of--

"Hate to bother you, kiddo, but can I bother you a moment?"

Nancy startles, both at the gentle gruffness of the self-contradictory question and the realization that her face is damp with the silent remnants of tears she cannot feel past the numbness of the cold.

"Sor-- Sorry?" she clears her throat as she stumbles quickly to her feet, brushing off her skirt and the thick tights beneath it as she does.

The man behind her isn't someone she knows, which would be a frightening thing if she were in any other mental state than this one, so doused in apathy for her own self that danger doesn't really register.

He wears a warm looking hunting jacket, a thick winter cap with flaps over the ears, and holds a thermos out in front of him.

"S'only, my boy spotted you out in the cold over here," he gestures to Nancy's left where she sees a boy she does recognize, the flit-away of his gaze back to a headstone at his feet all she gets out of Eddie Munson before his arms are crossing over his chest and his shoulders are hiking up around his ears. "Wondered if maybe you couldn't do with some company? Or just somethin' warm to drink?"

He holds the thermos up, this-- this person speaking for Eddie Munson when Nancy has never seen the guy be anything other than outspoken.

The sky is gray in its darkness, a muted sort of black that doesn't allow for stars beyond the heavy clouds.

There's a little pile of stones which are the only remembrance for a girl who deserved so much better than she ever got on the ground behind her.

"You want me to...?"

"We're visitin' his Mama," he says gently, and Nancy understands Eddie's posture better now, that distance away feeling shorter between them. "Anyone out here on Christmas oughtn't be alone, though, don't you think?"

"She didn't run away," Nancy blurts, the sudden need to explain overwhelming any of the kindness being offered to her.

He just nods. Succinct but not dismissive.

"Okay."

"She--" Nancy chokes. She can't tell if her cheeks are still wet. "She didn't run away."

She's not allowed to say it. She's not allowed to talk about it. She can't impart the seriousness of how much Barb didn't leave, didn't go, didn't get far enough away before her time ran out.

But this man, this Munson, he just takes a step closer with the suggestion of an offer with the slightest raise of his arm and Nancy is-- Nancy is hugging him.

She's leaning into the warmth of him, letting him wrap his arm across her shoulders and rub her back with a gloved hand because-- because no one, not a single person, none of them listen when she says it.

Not even the ones who know, not even the boy who loves her, not her own mother who cared more about the fact that Nancy lost her virginity than her best friend.

"I hear ya," he says in a quiet murmur and Nancy believes him. Can hardly breathe past the force of what it feels like to have the words she speaks land softly, with understanding.

"Sorry, sorry," she swipes at her face as she pulls away, and he lets her go without argument, but stays standing there. "Sorry, I know I look hysterical, I just."

A hitching breath. She doesn't hear these footsteps getting closer either, but she feels Eddie's presence in that familiar posture she has gotten to know too well since that first week in November.

She's about to enter a new year, a year with a new number and a new turn of the earth that Barb will never see.

"We're going for pie," Eddie says, even as Nancy wipes her face with the tail of her scarf like a child. "Diner off Walnut's open on Christmas. If you wanna come and be a fuckin' mope with me."

And there's something to it, this undeniable acceptance that Nancy is, in fact, facing the same sort of loss as a boy without a mother, that has her snorting with laughter.

There's something about them, the Munson's with their seeing of her in the most vulnerable state she's allowed herself to express outside the privacy of her shower, that feels like the same sort of relief as the release of pressure that comes along with laughter.

"Do you always pick up strays at the cemetery?" she asks with an attempt at humor, expecting the same dry witted sarcasm in response.

Instead she gets a softening.

Instead she gets this: "I was in band with her," with the lowering of a gaze to a pile of mismatched stones, only to raise back to meet Nancy's with intent, "she made me laugh."

Nancy's chin wobbles. Her lungs too tight in her chest.

She knows then, even before she says it and earns the drape of Eddie's arm around her narrow shoulders, that she'll go with them and eat pie with them and grieve with them.

They'll tell her about the woman they've lost and maybe Nancy will be able to choke out a sentence or two about the girl who raised her only for Nancy to fail her.

They'll eat and she will listen to them because she knows the importance of such a thing and it will hurt.

It will always hurt.

"You said something about pie?" she manages to get out with a hard sniff of her frozen nose.

There is a piece of her lost to a world locked off from the rest of them.

She wonders, tucked into the Munson's pickup truck on a journey in search of pie, whether maybe that's not such an isolated feeling as she thought.

[nellasbookplanet]

Book recs: possession, bodysnatching and bodysharing

Demons, ghosts, aliens, sentient bacteria, artificial intelligences - isn't there something fascinating about the idea of sharing a body with another being like a giant get-along t-shirt? No? Too bad, because I'm going to tell you about books featuring this trope anyway.

A note: multiple of these books are sequels where the bodysnatching/possession aspect plays little to no part in the first book. In all these cases, I still recommend starting with book one. I also in one case chose not to include a certain sequel that I loved as even mentioning it in this context would be a huge spoiler, so, uh, sorry about that.

For more details on the books, continue under the readmore. Titles marked with * are my personal favorites. And as always, feel free to share your own recs in the notes!

If you want more book recs, check out my masterpost of rec lists!

Brain Plague by Joan Slonczewski*

Chrys, a struggling artist, agrees to become a carrier for a sentient strain of microbes. With their help, Chrys breathes new life into her career and becomes a success. But every microbe society is different - some function as friends and brain enhancers to their carrier, while others become a literal brain plague, a living addiction taking over the life of their carrier. And like every society, the microbe community is in constant flux - including the one inside Chrys's head.

Children of Ruin (Children of Time series) by Adrian Tchaikovsky*

Sequel to Children of Time. Millenia and generation spanning scifi. After the collapse of the Earthen empire, a project to terraform various planets and use them to uplift other species to sentience in left unfinished. However, both species and planets continue evolving on their own, and when what remains of humanity flees the dying Earth millenia later, these planets might be their only hope of survival. But the uplifted species aren't the only intelligent life out there, and are far from the most dangerous as the survivors encounter something capable of terraforming the human body itself.

Leech by Hiron Ennes*

Unbeknownst to humanity, a sentient hive mind has taken over the entire medical profession to ensure the health of their host species. One of their doctors is sent off to an isolated location where they’re cut off from the rest of the hive mind, only to realize they’re faced with a rivaling parasitic entity. Leech hands you only just enough information to get by, and whether its historical fantasy, an alternate timeline, or futuristic post apocalypse is hard to determine. It’s spooky and a bit weird and wildly creative.

A Memory Called Empire (Texicalaan duology) by Arkady Martine

Mahit Dzmare is an ambassador sent to the center of the multi-system Teixcalaanli Empire, where she discovers that her predecessor has died. Trying to protect her home, a small independent mining station, from being taken over by the empire, Mahit struggles to find out the truth of her predecessor's death while carrying the voice of his ghost in her head, guiding her as best he can. Features a sapphic relationship but focuses more on world-building than romance.

Ninefox Gambit (Machineries of Empire trilogy) by Yoon Ha Lee*

Military space opera where belief and culture shape the laws of reality, causing all kinds of atrocities as empires do everything in their power to force as many people as possible to conform to their way of life to strengthen their technology and weapons. It’s also very queer, with gay, lesbian and trans major characters, albeit little to no romance. Disgraced Captain Kel Cheris is given a second chance by allying with the undead Commander Shous Jedao, who in life never lost a battle, but also went mad and massacred his own army. Now, Cheris must decide just how far she can trust him, with her forces as well as with her sense of self.

My Heart is Human by Reese Hogan

Nine years ago, all complex technology was made illegal. This complicates life for Joel, young transgender single father, as a bionic just uploaded itself into his brain without consent. Scared of losing his daughter, Joel tries to keep the bionic secret while using it to fix his life, but things quickly get more complicated as the bionic gains more and more control of his body. A bit simplistic in writing style but makes a lot of cool parallels of bodily autonomy to Joel’s experiences as a transman.

Bonus rec: if you like the general concept of struggling for physical control over one’s body with an AI, may I also suggest the (much grittier and gory) movie Upgrade.

The Host by Stehpenie Meyer*

The Host follows Wanderer, an alien part of an invading force on Earth. Humans have been defeated and are being used as host bodies, but Wanderer's host Melanie is being difficult and refuses to fade away. Instead she fills Wanderer's mind with images of Jared, the man she loves and who's still in hiding. With Melanie's feelings bleeding into Wanderer's the two reluctantly ally to find and keep safe the man they both love. While The Host does feature Meyer's trademark romance - of which I'm not the biggest fan - the more interesting and arguably more central relationship is that between Wanderer and her human host.

Needle by Hal Clement

1950s classic. A small island in the pacific ocean and a fourteen-year-old boy have just become the center of an interstellar chase between an alien Hunter and the criminal he’s pursuing. Robert is a regular boy, but he has a very special passenger: an alien symbiont hiding inside his body. The alien became stranded on Earth as he pursued a criminal of his own species, and now they are both trapped on the same island, playing a game of cat and mouse as Robert and the Hunter struggle to find their prey before it finds them.

Malevolent by Harlan Guthrie*

Lovecraftian horror mystery. Private detective Arthur Lester wakes up in his office, his partner dead, memories fuzzy, vision gone, and the voice of a malevolent entity in his mind. Unable to see, Arthur is forced to rely on guidance from the entity as he attempts to solve the mystery of what it is and where it came from. Is this a book? No. But as someone who reads mostly audiobooks, the difference between a book and a fiction podcast is negligible, and also I love this story and its characters and want all of you to do so too.

Goddess of Filth by V. Castro

Novella. What starts as a drunken seance between friends ends with one of them chanting in Nahuatl, the language of their Aztec ancestors. Following that night, the formerly shy Fernanda has changed. While her family calls for priests, claiming her possessed by a demon, Fernanda's friends believe what has taken up residence in her is something decidedly older. A quick read featuring female rage, desire and empowerment, this is a different twist on the typical possession story.

This Alien Shore by C.S. Friedman

Space opera in which humanity found a way to faster than light travel and began establishing colonies all over the galaxy, only to belatedly realize the method of FTL caused irreversible mutations and disabilities and leaving their nascent colonies to die. Much later, many of the colonies have survived and thrived, and one has found a new method of FTL travel, allowing an interconnected space society to grow. However, Earth is on the hunt for their method and is prepared to do anything to steal it. Trapped in the middle of all this and forced on the run is young Jamisia, who is little by little coming to realize that not only might she be the very solution Earth is after, she's also not alone in her own mind and body.

Touch by Claire North*

Kepler should have died long ago, beaten to death in an alley. Instead, a switch happened as Kepler leapt into and took control of the body of the killer. Since then, Kepler has lived in body after body, having gained the ability to inhabit anyone with a touch and stay for anything from a few minutes to an entire lifetime. Kepler cares much for the host bodies, and when one of them is brutally assassinated, Kepler must find the killer, avenge the host's death, and stop it from happening again. You want a fucked up main character with fucked up morals who still genuinely cares for people? Then boy do I have the book for you!

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk

Fantasy romance. Beatrice Clayborn is a sorceress, but if her family gets its way she won't remain so for long. Married women are forbidden from practicing magic, and Beatrice's father is intent on marrying her off to save them from destitution. Beatrice has a different plan: become so powerful a sorceress that she can herself save her father's business and becomes too valuable to marry off. To achieve this, she strikes a bargain with a minor spirit of fortune. In return, the spirit demands to be present in Beatrice's body as she experiences her first kiss... a kiss with a man who might jeopardize all her plans.

Pandemonium by Daryl Gregory

Del Perce's world is almost indistinguishable from ours, the only difference being the presence of possessing entities that can strike with little to no warning. When he was young, Del was possessed by one of these demons, which was eventually exorcised. But now he’s experiencing a resurgence of symptoms, a voice in his head demanding to be freed. To save himself, Del races to find out the truth behind the possessions.

The Thousand Eyes (The Serpent Gates duology) by A.K. Larkwood*

Sequel to The Unspoken Name (please read that first, I promise this duology is very worth it). These books have a lot going on: portals, flying ships, orcs, elves, creepy snake gods, possessions, cults, immortal evil mages who traumatize teens as their hobby, gay and lesbian frenemies, the works. Csorwe, born and raised in a cult and meant as a sacrifice, escapes her intended death with a mage who becomes her mentor. But he has dangerous motives of his own, and Csorwe must decide where her loyalties lie.

A Skinful of Shadows by Frances Hardinge

Young adult, historical. All her life, Makepeace's mother has been teaching her how to defend herself from the possession of ghosts, until one day her guard drops and a wild and fierce spirit slips in. When Makepeace's mother dies and she is sent to live with her father's family, this spirit might be her only defence. Because her family is harboring dark secrets, and they have plans for Makepeace... plans which do not care for her well-being. Unlike most other YA I've read in terms of vibes and plot, A Skinful of Shadows is a unique and intriguing read.

Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson*

Young adult fantasy. Artemisia prefers the dead to the living, and is training to become a Gray Sister, a nun who helps the souls of the deceased pass on to the afterlife rather than remain as dangerous spirits. To defend her convent, Artemisia accepts the help of a dangerous revenant, a powerful spirit which grants her great power but also could possess her the moment her guard is lowered. As evil threatens her homeland, Artemisia and the revenant must find a way to work together.

A Psalm of Storms and Silence by Roseanne A. Brown

Young adult fantasy. Sequel to A Song of Wraiths and Ruin. To save his family, Malik has made a deal with a dangerous spirit with equally dangerous demands - the death of the princess. Meanwhile, princess Karina is seeking her own power, meaning to resurrect her assassinated sister no matter what the prize. As their paths intertwine, the consequences of their pursuits keep getting higher, both for them, their nation, and the entire world.

Grey Sister (Book of the Ancestor trilogy) by Mark Lawrence

Sequel to Red Sister. Fantasy with sci-fi flavor. Nona is being raised to become a killer at the Convent of Sweet Mercy. But dangerous classes aren’t Nona's only problem: her planet is slowly dying, and her own inner demons whisper in her mind. As the sun grows weaker and ice creeps ever closer, Nona and her allies race to save themselves from extinction.

Fifth Quarter (Quarters series) by Tanya Huff*

Sequel to Sing the Four Quarters. Fifth Quarter is only loosely connected to the first book in the series so you could read it as a standalone, however I still recommend starting with Sing the Four Quarters as it is very good. Bannon and Vree are siblings and highly skilled assassins, but they are put to the test when a failed assassination finds them sharing a body, their intended victim having stolen Bannon's. Now, they must choose between remaining loyal to their Empire, or helping their supposed victim find a new body to steal - and he doesn't want just any body, he wants the royal prince.

The Nein Eyes of Lucien by Madeline Roux*

Recommended with the caveat that you're unlikely to get the full experience unless you have also watched Critical Role Campaign 2 (which is quite the time investment, but very worth it). It follows the antagonist Lucien, first owner of the body we know as Mollymauk Tealeaf, both before Lucien lost his body and after he regains it in the ultimate struggle against Mollymauk's old friends, the Mighty Nein.

Bonus AKA I haven't read these yet but they seem really cool

The Scratch Daughters (The Scapegracers trilogy) by H.A. Clarke

Sequel to The Scrapegracers. Sideways Pike used to be able to perform only party tricks, but in finding new friends and starting a coven, the four become powerful witches. But not everyone wants witches around. After having gotten her spectre stolen and losing her ability to perform magic, Sideways is forced to rely on Mr. Scratch, a book demon taking the place of her spectre to keep her alive. Now she must struggle to get her magic back before it’s too late.

Riding the Odds by Lynda K. Scott

Sci-fi romance. Tara Rowan is a spaceship captain with secrets - a past she wants to leave behind, and Zie, an organic symbiote which grants her greater strengths and reflexes. But when sexy Holy Knight Trace Munroe blackmails her in an attempt to rescue a missing princess, Tara's secrets are in danger of being revealed.

What Doesn't Break by Cassandra Khaw

Like The Nine Eyes of Lucien, you're unlikely to get the full experience of What Doesn't Break unless you're also a viewer of Critical Role. It follows the backstory of Laudna, undead sorceress and warlock with the ghostly presence of the necromancer who once murdered her keeping residence in her mind and tugging at her strings.

Every Day (Every Day trilogy) by David Levithan

Every day, A wakes up with a new body and a new life. A has rules on how to deal with this existence - don't get attached, don't get noticed, and don't interfere. But when A finds themself falling in love, all their established rules no longer apply. This one has also been adapted as a movie!

This Body's Not Big Enough for Both of Us by Edgar Cantero

A. and Z. Kimrean are twin siblings and private eyes - they also share the same body, calling themselves A.Z. When someone starts murdering the sons and heirs of a ruthless crime boss, it falls on A.Z. Kimrean to solve the case and find the killer before all out gang war breaks out.

A Madness of Angels (Matthew Swift series) by Kate Griffin

Two years ago, sorcerer Matthew Swift was killed. Today, he woke back up. And he isn't alone in his body... Now, he seeks vengeance not only against the one who killed him, but also against the one who brought him back.

Honorary mentions AKA these didn't really work for me but maybe you guys will like them: Bone Rider by J. Fally, The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu, What's Left of Me by Kat Zhang, Hunter of Demons by Jordan L. Hawk, Odder Still by D.N. Bryn

[flyawaymind]

Waiting on a Miracle

I’m sure someone has probably said this better, but I just re (re re re re re re re re re) watched Encanto and had an epiphany during the song, Waiting on a Miracle.

Everything that Mirabel lists in that song? All those things she “can’t do?”

She does them, one by one, over the course of the movie. Everything she lists, whether it’s some power she wishes she had or something in her life that she wants to change, it all happens. Check it out:

The most obvious part, and what I noticed first, is how she describes the Gifts.

-I can’t move the mountains

-I can’t make the flowers bloom

-I can’t heal what’s broken

-Can’t control the morning rain or a hurricane

The language here is deliberate, and although it’s easy to write it off as lyricism or poetic phrasing for the sake of the song, this is a list of things that are caused or influenced by Mirabel’s actions in the movie. The crack down the center of town causes the mountains to split in two, Isabela’s power reaches its full potential during What Else Can I Do, and at the end of the movie Mirabel plays a big part in healing the rifts in the family. The part about the weather is less obvious, but because Pepa’s mood is tied to her Gift, I’d argue that there were probably some weird weather fluctuations when Mirabel gets Pepa to finally talk about Bruno. Mira also expertly avoids a storm by rephrasing her question about Bruno’s Gift and causes Pepa to hit Camilo with lightning when she bumps into the wall, but those are more situational than results of deliberate actions.

In other parts of the song, Mirabel talks about the things in her life that she wishes would change and things she wants to change about herself.

-I can’t take another night up in my room, waiting on a miracle

-Can’t keep down the unspoken invisible pain

-Always walking alone, always wanting for more

-Like I’m still at that door longing to shine like all of you shine

-Show this family something new

-Who I am inside, so what do I do?

The night after Antonio’s party Mirabel is lying in her room, presumably alone for the first time since Antonio was old enough to be away from Pepa for the night. She can’t sleep, and it isn’t a huge leap to conclude that she’s waiting for something to happen, whether it’s for the cracks to appear again, or for someone in her family to come talk to her, or even for the candle to finally give her a Gift because Antonio got one and maybe the magic was just a little bit delayed. The movie could have ended right there, except then Mirabel gets up. She decides to take action and comes up with a plan, no longer content to just wait for a miracle to change her life.

Everything that happens after that is related to her and her family’s catharsis and self-actualization. She stops pretending she’s ok and indirectly tells her family how hard she’s been trying to earn Alma’s love when she realizes that they’ve all been doing the same thing, and that none of it will ever be enough. Mirabel cries and screams and yells at Alma, stomping her feet and making it very clear that she isn’t content with keeping her pain hidden away. By that point the audience knows that Mirabel isn’t the only one who feels this way. Almost everyone in the family feels like they’ve been walking alone, and everyone wants to shine as bright as they think the others do. This includes Agustin and Felix: “It was easy to feel… un-ceptional.”

When the movie concludes, Mirabel’s the one who brings them all together. She reunites Bruno with their family, shows Alma the effects of her actions, and then brings about changes. She teaches the family a new way to shine, and that they’re brighter when they work together. She’s the one who opens the door, both figuratively and literally, and as she walks up to put the doorknob in place her family tells her that they finally see her as she is.

Mirabel might not have the same kind of magic, but she’s able to do everything that her magical family members can do, and more. Everything she does is laid out in Waiting on a Miracle, presented in such a way that it seems like Mirabel is hoping for something impossible. That’s something the movie teaches us: that people are often more capable than they think they are, and when everyone comes together to work toward a goal, nothing’s actually impossible.

[candyskiez]

a thing I wanna take a moment to appreciate is catra's arc of being there for adora more. because like, yeah. she can be self centered at times. that's the point. thats one of her major character flaws that we see her grow from. that's the point of having a flaw. and I really like how she grows from it.

one of her main issues is how personally she takes everything and how centered everything is on her and adora. when adora leaves the horde, she only sees the war as a conflict between THEM. not between the rebellion and the horde. it's all about her and adora. that focus on taking everything personally is the thing that bites her in the ass so many times. that's what holds her back so hard for so long. she's her own worst enemy in that sense. and in season five, we see her unlearn that. we see her realize, no. seriously. adora never stopped caring about her just because she liked lonnie too. love doesn't work like that.

a thing I wanna point out is I think catra was lying when she said she wasnt doing it for glimmer. we see her look upset at the thought of glimmer being hurt. she cares about her. a lot. the realization of just how serious this is, this isn't just distant harm anymore. she learns to see the bigger picture. she learns to show other people compassion. not just for adora, but for herself. we see her worried about scorpia, about entrapta, even if her focus is still on adora. and she learns! she learns to be healthier about it! to have relationships with people who aren't adora so they aren't dependent on each other! she becomes friends with glimmer and bow, genuinely. she starts working on repairing things with entrapta and scorpia. she makes friends with melog. she forms connections outside of adora, not just for adora's sake, but *for herself.* she learns how to love people healthily. she learns how to look out for herself while also looking out for others.

a thing I really love is her line "I promised her a long time ago I'd look out for her. it's time I made good on that." because it's so huge for her development. she realizes she can't keep running away anymore. her running has an impact on people. her leaving has an impact on people. even if it's easier to think that nobody cares when she disappears, nobody's effected by this. yes, there is. and she's finally realized that. and she's terrified of staying because it feels like she's just inviting disaster by letting her guard down for even a second. they could leave at any time. why give them the chance to?

but maybe they won't. maybe leaving them so they don't leave her hurts them just as bad as her being abandoned. maybe she leaves for no reason. maybe...maybe she has to be better. THATS why her saying she'll stay is so big. "I can't keep doing this. I'm hurting adora by doing this. it's not me protecting myself. its me self destructing and hurting everyone around me in the process. it's not fair to them. adora needs my help, and I need to be there to give it. even if she doesn't survive this, she needs someone to be there when she goes. because knowing her, she's trying to handle this all by herself. I'm going to try and fix this. I can't keep running."

so she goes back. she can't keep running, because that's not fair to adora. and she's there. she's there when adora needs her, when shadow weaver dies, when she's weak and injured, when she's breaking down. she's there. two big things I wanna point out.

• "no, I'm not leaving. whatever happens, I am staying with you."

this. this is HUGE for her arc. she runs away whenever things get hard. that's one of her big flaws. and here she has the strength to stay. to stick with it. she stays even when shit gets bad. because she's finally realized, adora needs her here. she sees her self destruction for what it is. adora is being a self destructive bastard right now and she needs someone here. this isn't adora playing the hero, this is adora having serious issues. and she's there. she's there, because adora needs someone there. and she's finally seen that for what it is.

• she doesn't think her love is requited, yet she tells adora she loves her anyway.

she thinks adora sees her only as a friend. this is big because she's realized. adora needs to realize how much people want her. not when she's she ra, not when she's useful. but as adora. she needs to hear that someone wants her at her lowest. even if they can't save the world, please wake up. please keep going. because I want you in my life, at least for a few more seconds. you didn't make anything worse. you tried your fucking best and I see that and I see you. I love you, even if you don't love me. so please. don't die on me. if this is the end of the world, then let's take it on together. this isnt your fault. you deserve to live. not because you're she ra but because you're adora. because you're brave and a little over dramatic and can't act to save your life and loyal as shit and love with your whole heart and *you* deserve to live. so keep going. please. I love you.

season one catra would die before she admits she cares about someone. here though, she can. because she's realized it matters.

she tells adora she loves her because she sees the bigger picture now. because she understands adora now. what adora desperately needs is to realize shes worth more than a weapon. she deserves the world. she doesn't think adora feels the same but she tells her, because shes realized adora needs to hear that. that even at her worst, adora makes such an impact on peoples lives. not because she's a hero, but because she's adora. because she wants things. because shes her. and she wants ADORA to live. even if she doesn't feel the same. even if things are awkward and tense after this, she wants adora to finally realize that she's wanted. because adora helped her realize that, and she wants adora to realize it too. she's willing to show her all the messy shit inside her head even though it hurts, because she cares about adora more than she cares about hiding. am I making sense? no. but have these disjointed ramblings anyway. live laugh catradora baby.

[berries-hcs]

Old Habits Die Hard (pt. 2/2)

Welcome to part one of my first fic for here, crossposted on my ao3 Bugga_blue https://archiveofourown.org/works/59123362/chapters/150748117 Summary:

Maybe he was coming down with something? His vision did give him an immune boost, making him more resistant to colds that would take over the city as soon as the weather turned, but he had always been a sickly child. It had driven Crepus mad seeing Kaeya come down with something new every other week until his immune system finally adapted after years of living in the city. There were no other symptoms though, his throat wasn't sore and he didn't feel feverish. His thoughts were clouded and heavy, but not in the way it would feel if he were ill, it almost was like-

Oh.

The realization took him by surprise, enough so that he stilled in the center of his room staring at the floor where the was a patterned decorational rug that had likely been there longer than he was alive. It wasn’t unexpected, per se, but he thought he’d have more time before it set in fully.

Or, where Kaeya regresses for the first time in a long time without crashing and has to fight off regressing while on duty Word Count: 5k

Kaeya wished he could say it had been a fluke, but that wouldn’t be true. 

After that first day of feeling fuzzy, it was as if the habit had returned with the intent to make up for lost time. He and Lisa never talked about that night, but if the book left on his desk told him anything, he was willing to bet she had understood what it meant. He hadn’t read it of course, but bringing it back would mean he had to acknowledge what happened for her to have thought to leave it there in the first place. 

Regressing was quickly becoming a weekly occurrence, and yet somehow still managing to catch the Captain off guard. There were still occasional nights where it came on due to feeling overwhelmed or needing an escape, but more often it would start during the day, growing into the afternoon until he couldn’t deny its presence. There weren’t any specific causes he could identify for it, once a crystalfly that had followed alone him on his patrol route, another by Jean’s gentle and sisterly care coming to check in on him in the Cathedral after he’d taken a bit of a beating from a few treasure hoarders, even Albedo speaking scientific jargon at him about the alchemists newest line of research and experiments. But the one he was finding to be the most recurring and troublesome was the Angel's Share. 

More specifically, nights where Diluc was the one serving drinks to him after a long day at work. 

Kaeya was always able to keep up with the banter and jabs at first, sitting at the bar while they had what small amount of time they could catch up with each other without feeling too forward or out of place. But, the longer the night would go on- and the more drinks his brother poured for him, the more Kaeya’s brain would be lulled back into that hazy fog. 

It had started reaching a point where partway through the night Diluc would cut him off, thinking Kaeya was already drunk! Oh and how he would pout, both for the sake of his image, and also because the alcohol helped remind him to keep up with acting like his older self would. 

Diluc never had a good explanation for cutting him off either which was really starting to grate on the younger's nerves. It hadn’t slipped past him that it only occurred on nights his brain had decided to feel more childish and fuzzy, but even if he wasn’t always exactly right Kaeya was confident in still being able to act like his normal self when small well enough that no one would find him suspicious unless they knew what to look for. 

Tonight just so happened to be one in the same, Kaeya sat at a barstool up towards the counter, chatting with Diluc between the other serving customers. During the gaps he’d watch his brother diligently make each drink, serving them with efficiency and ease. One after another patrons drinks were poured and sent out in record time.

When he wasn’t serving, Diluc took to food prep and washing glasses while he and Kaeya made small talk. He couldn’t have told you what they talked about even just five minutes before, easily getting lost people-watching while sitting in the other's presence instead. 

He was well aware that it was happening, already able to feel the fuzz coming on after he’d finished his first drink, but Kaeya thought he was slowly becoming okay with it being there again. It took adjusting to, but it was something he had used to find comforting, so welcoming it back wasn’t as hard as he thought it might be. 

With a last sip the cup in front of him was emptied, one that Diluc took while squinting at the younger accusatorially. He didn’t replace it, even when Kaeya tried to call him back over to get his attention, bringing the glass to the sink to quickly wash and dry. 

“Hellooo~ Diluc, can you hear me all the way over there? Are you not going to get me another drink?” Kaeya asked, voice taking on a low whine as he obnoxiously waved one of his hands over the bartop. 

Diluc spared him a glance before his eyes moved back to the glass he was wiping down. “I don’t think you need another drink Kaeya,” he spoke with an air of finality. Usually benign spoken to in such a way would have a simpler customer huffing and moving on to the next bar willing to serve them, but Kaeya was anything but a simple customer. 

“Wha- What do you mean? My mora says otherwise, that was only my first drink of the night.” With an elbow propped up on the counter, Kaeya leaned against his first petulantly. “I assumed you’d remember that, you are the one who served me after all.”

Diluc scoffed- scoffed! Kaeya let his eyebrows furrow, the more childish part of his brain getting huffy at the denial this early in the night when he truly hadn’t done anything wrong. “Well, can you at least give me a reason- a good one, for why you won’t serve your most valued customer?”

He watched while the other set the glass to the side, watching as the bartender reached for another to polish before looking up in disinterest. “Firstly, you are far from my most valued customer, don’t humor yourself. But if I must give a reason, you’re acting dumb enough already that I thought I’d spare you the drinks, it's obvious you don't need anymore.”

Kaeya let his jaw drop in offense, stumbling over his words as he tried to think of any good response but only managed a squeaky “That’s not true!” before Diluc had gone back to sorting his glasses. “What is it that I’ve done that you’ve deemed stupid? Not only is that not a good enough reason, but I’m hardly even tipsy. There isn’t anything I’ve done that you could pass off as me being drunk like you like to do so often.”

Something in his chest hurt, and Kaeya didn’t understand what he had done wrong. Even on his more annoying nights, Diluc had never stepped in so early, and truthfully Kaeya had just been sitting quietly and observing. There wasn’t a single thing he had done to cause a disturbance or rile up customers, things he had done before and only gotten off with a warning. The more upset he got the thicker the fuzz layered in his brain, though he tried his best to push it away. It wouldn’t do him any good to have his valid tantrum turn into something even more childish than he would have on a different day. 

And so he continues to pester, not relenting and even bringing other patrons to his side when Diluc didn’t seem to waiver in his stance. “Charles wouldn’t cut me off for good behavior, do you prefer me to be causing a scene? Is that it?” Kaeya asked, huffing and tapping his foot against the bottom of his stool. “You’ll only serve me when I’m filling the role of an unruly patron? Out of all the people, I would think you’d celebrate me wanting to sit quietly in your sight so I can’t cause an issue without your notice.”

Other customers eyed the pair with unease, most confused at the two’s dynamic or curious as to why the bartender would refuse service for seemingly no reason. 

With a sigh Diluc picked up a glass, seeming to realize how much attention they’d gathered, and quickly made Kaeya’s drink before sliding it to him over the countertop. He didn’t look at him, but Kaeya couldn’t help but stare at the other, not noticing how even once getting his way the pout remained as he sipped the drink. 

After the first time Diluc didn’t put up much of a fight when Kaeya asked for a new drink, which he was thankful for. It allowed Kaeya to fall back into the peaceful and somewhat hazy mood he was in before, soaking up the atmosphere and chatting with friendly customers while Diluc made their drinks for them. He thought that they worked great together as a pair, Kaeya keeping the customers distracted during rushes which gave Diluc more than enough time to make everyone's drink down to the last detail. 

If Diluc appreciated it he didn’t say, at least not with words. After the main evening rush had passed though, the older slid Kaeya a small plate of fruit and cheese. He spun around quickly after, but Kaeya was still able to catch the smile that had unwillingly curled on his brother's lips. Kaeya was finding that the fuzzy part of his brain quite liked this. It faded in and out a bit when he had to put on his persona chatting to customers for Diluc, but now it had come back full force with a pleasant buzz added from the drinks he had kept steadily coming. His feet swung back and forth on the tall stool, thumping against the footrest at the lower portion as he nibbled on his snack. 

Diluc began to chat with him again, telling stories about what different workers at the winery had been getting up to. Kaeya missed them badly, it had been so long since he had a chance to stop in for more than just official business, and even then any knights were scarcely allowed at the winery. At one time, when Diluc was busy fixing a large group’s drinks, Kaeya leaned down to let his head rest, using his arms as a makeshift pillow. The bar wasn’t slow by any means, but the main crowd had passed which left a nice hum of various conversations overlapping. The noise was soothing, and without conversation to distract him, Kaeya let his eye close. 

It had only felt like a few seconds before he was waking back up, arms stretching out in front of himself reminiscent of a cat from where he was still hunched over the bar counter. Something stood out to him however, the quiet. Kaeya looked around only to find the tavern nearly empty, nearly since the only person left was Diluc who stood to his side. 

The redhead said something, his own arms crossing with an unreadable expression on his face, but the words processed at a delay leaving the younger to blink up at him emptily, waiting for him to repeat himself. 

“Come on, I said let’s head out. Everything’s closed down, we need to get you home… unless you’d rather spend the rest of the night breaking your neck sleeping like that?”

Kaeya huffed, rubbing at his exposed eye as he sat up on the stool. There was something that fell behind him, but Diluc was quick to pick it up off the floor and wrap it back around Kaeya’s shoulders. It was… his jacket? But why was Diluc putting his own jacket over Kaeya, and why had it been there in the first place? 

“But…” Kaeya mumbled, looking once again behind Diluc to the empty room. “But it’s too early for you to close down. Where’d everyone go?”

It wasn’t making any sense, he’d only closed his eye for a moment. 

“They all left nearly half an hour ago, I’ve closed the rest of the bar and now it's time for us to leave as well.”

Something about Diluc was off but Kaeya couldn’t quite put his finger on it. His voice was softer, and while he’d gotten used to more than just grumpy looks coming from the other it almost looked like Diluc was amused or nostalgic, like he was remembering something pleasant. “Come on, it’s late. We should get you home now Kaeya.”

Kaeya got to his feet unsteadily, nearly tripping as his foot got caught on one of the bar stool legs before he could tuck it under the counter. Diluc steadied him, not even trying to hide the smirk that followed the uncharacteristically clumsy display. Before he could argue, Kaeya was being shuffled to the door, Diluc blowing out the few remaining candles as they passed them before walking them both out and locking the tavern up behind them. 

Looking down the cobbled pathway he was already bracing himself for the walk home. It wouldn’t be so far, but for some reason the trip felt much more daunting than it usually would, even compared to other nights leaving the tavern with his thoughts fuzzy from more than just being tipsy. He took a deep breath, bringing his hands up and lightly patting his cheeks, before taking his first step down the dimly lit street. Or, at least it would be his first step if Diluc’s hand hadn’t landed on his shoulder to stop him from taking off. 

The redhead shot him a confused look and a half-mumbled “Hang on a moment,” before tucking the keys for the Angel’s Share further into his bag with his free hand. “Let me walk you down, just need to attach them to the inner chain.”

Diluc was ready after that, straightening up and sending Kaeya a small smile as he moved to head down the same path Kaeya had been planning to take on alone. He even went so far as to look back after the first few steps when the other didn’t immediately follow. “Kaeya? Come on, let’s go.”

In lieu of a response Kaeya allowed himself a few confused blinks before moving to catch up, even more surprised when Diluc’s hand reached out to wrap around his wrist while they walked. Whether it was because he wanted to make sure Kaeya didn’t stop walking again, or just out of instinct Kaeya wasn’t sure, but what he did know was that it made him stumble on his feet enough to be glad for Diluc’s hand there to steady him with how quickly a wave of fog rushed to cloud his brain. It felt just like when he was seven or eight, Diluc tugging him along into the woods that lined the winery while their father worked to go play knights. Diluc had always been the one tugging him along, making sure he kept up so he wouldn’t get lost or hurt, not that Kaeya minded or wanted to be far from his newly found brother back then. 

By the time he blinked out of the onslaught of memories, they were already approaching his home. Personally, Kaeya couldn’t wait to be able to flop down in his bed. He was half tempted not to bother even changing out of his day clothes- even with fresh air hitting his face the sleepiness still weighed heavily with each step he took. 

Diluc was practically dragging him to his door, spinning to face him once they got there with an expectant look. 

“Where are your keys, we’ll need those to get in won’t we?” The elder’s voice took on a familiar tone. The same he used to use when they were both still in training and he thought Kaeya had done something amusing. Kaeya didn’t quite understand what about him needing to pull out his keys was so tease-worthy, but nonetheless reached to where he kept his side pouch to pull them out. 

Before he could reach in front of Diluc to put them in Diluc had plucked it right from his hand, unlocking it and pulling them both inside before flicking the lights on. 

It was bright, and Kaeya had to blink away spots from the sudden shift. Diluc didn’t seem nearly as phased, which Kaeya could admit made him pout. Instead, he was able to drop his hold on Kaeya’s wrist and move further into the house, leaving the knight standing off to the side of the entranceway rubbing at his one exposed eye.

After about another 30 seconds he was able to look around the room without squinting, finding Diluc carefully investigating the different corners of his house, even going so far as to wipe dust from a side table on his way to the kitchen. Without a word he was pilfering through Kaeya’s cabinets, pushing glasses out of the way as if looking for something specific. 

“What are you…” Kaeya trailed off, Diluc didn’t even turn to look at his half-mumbled and if he was being honest with himself, childishly sounding start. All he could do was restart and hope his brother really hadn’t heard. “‘Luc, what are you looking for? You got me home just, I just want to go to sleep now and you have a long walk back to the winery.”

“I’m looking for a suitable cup,” Diluc said, sending one of his well-known exasperated looks over his shoulder before turning and continuing to search through the top shelves of his kitchen. “I don’t trust you not to spill in the state you’re in now. I know you used to have one with- There it is! Finally, but, it's covered in dust Kaeya how long has it been since you…”

Kaeya watched the other pull a small cup out from where Kaeya had pushed it deep in the back of his cupboards. It was a pale blue, rather simple design outside of the few stickers that were faded and worn from years of use, then a lack of use in the more recent years, but what made this cup more ‘suitable’ as Diluc had put it compared to his other glasses was the lid. It was a children's cup that had a lid with a spout to stop it from spilling, and the sight of it alone brought heat to his cheeks after years of trying to forget it existed while being unable to make himself throw it away. 

That cup, he decided right then, was his newest enemy for the night. 

He tried to think of something to say, Diluc was looking at him expectantly, but his words were failing him as different excuses passed by his thoughts. 

“Um… That’s… not mine.” He mumbled, walking to the kitchen to try to stop Diluc from turning to wash it. Diluc scoffed and brushed off the attempt to grab the cup from his hands and turned the water on. 

“I don’t- Diluc I don’t do that anymore. I don’t need the cup just… just go home, you got me back here and-”

Ignoring him Diluc filled the cup up and twisted the lid on tightly. 

“You don’t do it anymore? Well to me it sure seems like you might. What was the nickname we used to use for you again?”

“Diluc you’re not- You’re not listening to me” Kaeya knew what name, of course he remembered, but if Diluc said it he might not be able to put on his act anymore, and he wasn’t sure how that would go for either of them. “I don’t do that anymore, I said. I’ve not for a long long time, I don’t need the cup.” 

Kaeya tried to pull the cup out of his hands, it felt much to dangerous and embarrassing to have Diluc holding it. Diluc wasn’t phased, just letting the younger try to wrestle it out of his grasp while bringing the other hand up to his chin in thought, as if Kaeya wasn’t trying to shake him to stop. “That’s it, Dewdrop, wasn’t it? Though I’m afraid Snowdrop might be a bit more fitting all things considered.”

If he wasn’t blushing before, Kaeya was sure his face must be bright red now. Not only was the fact Diluc remembered bad enough, he remembered enough specifics to know his nickname and make new one’s playing off of it. It was getting harder and harder to think, Kaeya knew realistically he was only slipping further into his headspace no matter how much he tried to fight it off. So much for thinking he was doing a good job at hiding it.

“I don't- that’s… That’s not me, you’re remembering wrong.”

Diluc tilted his head to the side, but the smirk on his face stayed. “Really? Could have fooled me, you said you didn’t do it anymore but you still can. You are right now, whether you admit it or not. You were always quite stubborn when you were-”

He moved from where he’d been holding onto Diluc’s arm, hands flying to cover his mouth instead. “No! I’m not- don’t. Don’t say it ‘Luc.”

Seeing how worked up Kaeya was getting Diluc softened, moving the hand off of his mouth and his voice shifting from that playful teasing tone into a caring one that made Kaeya feel like his brain was melting. “Why can’t I say it Kae? Why’d you stop regressing, it helped you a lot when we were younger. Can you try to explain it to me?”

Kaeya looked away. He didn’t want to have to explain it. 

Even still he let Diluc take his hand and listened when the other led him up the stairs and peeked at the different doorways until he found Kaeya’s bedroom. He let Diluc be the one to search his dresser to find pajamas and followed instructions when he was asked to change while Diluc left the room to get a drink of his own. 

But Kaeya couldn’t pull himself out of his thoughts, not that they had any direction at the moment. He was stuck in a circle, but Diluc was here, and Kaeya was quickly finding it harder and harder to put on any type of a front even to himself. It felt painfully familiar, Diluc used to know every way to pester, to tease, exactly what buttons to push in and out of Kaeya’s regression. Knowing how much Diluc knew and could use to get a reaction from him only made the fuzz stronger. 

He wanted it, he wanted Diluc. He wanted to not want it. 

That was the main issue, wasn’t it? He wanted to not want it, but he did want it. He felt better in the months of playing around and fighting it off like some kind of game than he did trying to ignore any urge until it nearly stopped entirely. 

He didn’t have time to dwell on that thought when Diluc knocked before slipping back into his room, his cup in hand that he was sipping from. 

Kaeya hadn’t managed to change, getting too lost in his own mind which Diluc sighed at. He set his cup down on the taller of Kaeya’s dressers before sitting on the bed next to Kaeya and undoing the laces at the back of his corset. 

He did try to squirm away, blushing again at the gentle attention, but Diluc weaseled his hand down the front of his corset and landed a few well-placed squeezes that had him flopping backward onto Diluc’s chest to get away. It didn’t do much good when the hand itself was trapped in his own corset but Diluc managed to get the corset undone between Kaeya’s kicking and squirming. By the time he got it fully off Kaeya curled into a ball against the older’s side, residual giggles escaping much to Diluc’s amusement. 

“I see that method still works then?”

Kaeya had a feeling his glare didn’t quite land how he wanted it to when he was still red in the face and giggly, but he tried nonetheless. 

Diluc easily brought Kaeya back up to a sitting position, though still leaned against his chest. He didn’t fight it this time, instead choosing to hide in Diluc’s shoulder and absorb the warmth he let off, though he didn’t seem against it. He used the opportunity to free Kaeya’s ponytail from his hair and lean over to grab the brush off of his nightstand. 

They didn’t talk while Diluc slowly worked the tangles out, starting at the bottom and working up until he had to lean the very nearly asleep Kaeya up from where he’d been using Diluc’s shoulder as a pillow, much to the bluenette's chagrin. 

The movement was met with a whine and pout, but after a bit of prompting Kaeya let Diluc sit him up to brush out his bangs. Before he was allowed to flop back down, which was the plan, he said something though Kaeya found himself staring blankly at the other as the words failed to register. 

Diluc tilted his head a bit to the side and frowned, grabbing onto Kaeya’s nightshirt before repeating himself. This time Kaeya knew to expect him to talk so made sure to listen carefully. 

“Let’s get you dressed before you fall asleep in your work clothes, you’ll smell tomorrow if you sleep like this.” 

Kaeya whined but didn’t cling when Diluc stood, or put up a fight when he brought Kaeya to stand after. Diluc mostly encouraged Kaeya to change on his own, minimally helping during the process outside of helping to get his shirt off when the chain got tangled in his hair. Diluc let Kaeya slide his pajamas on himself, thankfully not needing any help to get them on. Even if his half-asleep self wouldn’t have thought much of it or even was registering the assistance already given, he’s sure he would have died on the spot waking up tomorrow if he’d needed help dressing. Worse he wouldn’t be able to even face going to the tavern for weeks. 

Diluc motioned for him to lay back down in bed, which Kaeya was fast to follow, huddling under his blankets and preparing to curl up when he saw Diluc turning towards the door and straightening his sleeves. Before he realized what he was doing Kaeya gasped, grabbing onto Diluc’s wrist before the other could step too far away. 

Diluc turned to look at him, his gaze questioning but quiet. He was waiting for Kaeya to make the first move, but Kaeya was struggling to bring his eyes past where their hands were, instead turning to look down at his lap. 

He knew Diluc was waiting for him to say something, but the words evaporated in his mouth the moment he tried to conjure them up. 

Diluc took a step closer again, putting a hand in Kaeya’s hair and crouching down to put himself in Kaeya’s line of sight. “Oh… You’re very young aren’t you Kae? I… Would you- Should I stay?” 

Kaeya tugged on his arm again, scooting to try to pull the other back into the bed. He wasn’t sure what Diluc was really asking, but he knew the word stay and that would have to be enough. “Stay. ‘Luc stay?”

Diluc crumbled, his entire posture softening as he crouched back down to be at face level with Kaeya, the act itself making him feel impossibly smaller. Diluc didn’t fight back when Kaeya grabbed his hair with one hand, he was saying something but Kaeya couldn’t focus enough to listen. He could make out individual words, but when said all at once they got jumbled in his brain. Sometimes Common was harder to remember than it should have been, no matter how long it had been since he’d first started learning. 

None of that mattered though. He was so tired, why wasn’t DIluc lying down in bed? 

Diluc pried his hand out of his hair and straightened up. Kaeya was surprised to hear a soft whine from somewhere nearby, even more surprised when Diluc shushed him. That… was him? 

Both of Kaeya’s hands quickly flew to his mouth, doing their best to stop any more shocking sounds from sneaking out. 

Diluc chuckled at the dramatics, moving to Kaeya’s dresser again. He was confused, but it wasn’t long till Diluc began to pull clothes out and hold them up to himself. Then it clicked, of course Diluc was going to need pajamas if he was going to stay over, how did Kaeya forget? 

The younger padded out of bed to the small closet space where he kept some clothes that were out of season for him. There were a few which were oversized so if needed he could layer without complication. He had a tendency to run colder than others without noticing, so between Jean and others, they always made sure he remembered to bundle up. 

Diluc followed him over, peering in before taking out a larger shirt and quickly trading it for his own. He must have found some of Kaeya’s loose-fitting pants in the drawer which would work well enough for sleeping in. It was only a few moments before Diluc was ushering Kaeya back into bed, his own cup being sat down next to where Kaeya’s sippy cup was on the nightstand. 

The redhead lifted the blanket, letting Kaeya crawl back under before laying down and trapping Kaeya on the inside of the bed. It didn’t matter though, Kaeya was determined to worm his way on top of Diluc the moment the other was even starting to lay against the pillows. Diluc only laughed at the eagerness, wrapping one of his arms over Kaeya’s shoulders to hold him closer. 

Kaeya, in turn, clings to Diluc’s shirt as if to hold him in place- not that there is much of anywhere he could go like this. When Diluc speaks he feels more than hears Diluc talking, letting out a small hum of his own to match before huffing when his pillow begins shifting again. He didn’t go far this time, only stretching one arm out to grab something, bringing it back to the bed to hold with both hands. It was a rather odd position for Diluc, but apparently, there wasn’t much else choice if he were to keep his arm around Kaeya still. 

And he was talking again, only this time he didn’t stop. Kaeya could hear something shuffle over his head, almost like a page turning, but it was too much effort to peel his eye open to see what Diluc was up to. Quickly, Kaeya was being lulled to sleep from the rumbling of Diluc’s chest and the sound of his voice. 

Waking up in the morning Kaeya found himself clinging to a pillow in place of human warmth. It was a slow process, but memories began to slowly fade in and when it finally clicked his eyes shot open to look around his room. Surely it had to be some strange hyper realistic dream of sort because there was no way what he remembered could truly be what happened. At least, he wanted to believe that before he stretched, hand knocking into the blue sippy cup on the nightstand. 

He scooted to the edge of his bed, the cup itself enough confirmation as he needed to send heat to his face, but more interested in the note that seemed half hazardously written underneath. 

Dewdrop, I hope you slept well, and understand I had to leave earlier this morning to return to the winery and tend to a few early morning tasks. Do keep the cup from gathering dust, lest I need to come dig it out again… though I don’t mind bringing you home from the Angels Share since this is seeming to be a habit you fall into there. We can talk more another evening, perhaps when you aren’t a child.

Take care,

‘Luc

Well, Kaeya thought to himself. This was surely going to be an interesting development. He looked outside, able to see where those in the city were starting to go about their daily tasks, shops opening and townsfolk mulling through the cobble paths. Maybe this being a reality wouldn’t be the worst thing. 

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

So what was the thought process you and @twinanimatronics had for Moon and DJMM being besties?

Like I know that's a huge fanon thing (though i think y'all were one of the early ones) but is it something yall based on game data or character analysis?

Ohhh!!!

A pretty good question.

I think part of it had to do with @factual-fantasy's wonderful au and comics of the DJ being very close buds with Sun and Moon.

But I think there was a bit more to it then that.

I think I just wanted a fanfiction mostly centered around Moon and the DJ's friendship because they're both Security bots and are the only two animatronics in the Pizzaplex that go back to being "mainly chill" after their initial segment. (Moon showing up at every hourly recharge being super easy to avoid outside his initial Daycare Segment and Sun just stays in the slide all other times)

I also remember seeing the headcanon in @paper-lilypie's old comics that Moon had a music box, which was a popular hc, that Ceph and I have actually proved to be canon with our rabid exploring of the Pizzaplex map like its an archeological dig site.

Made me get to thinking if Moon used his music box often, what songs would he use?

Also got me thinking about how the DJ makes up his own songs on rotation to avoid copyright. He's essentially an AI generated song prompt, but far more endearing and self-aware. DJMM makes his own bouncer chase music to capture Gregory and that's pretty endearing to me.

Thought about Moon stealing DJ's songs to use in his music box. (and yes, I know real life music boxes are made with a set song in mind and he can't rotate them unless there are discs in there. But idk. lol don't think about the mechanics of this too hard of how a music box actually works)

Made me think that Moon would like relaxing Lofi beats that the DJ would make for him.

Lofi Beats to Capture Children to was initially planned to be five chapters. Just showing glimpses into the lives of DJMM and Moon interacting, from a more DJ-themed perspective, with the pov changing between Moon and the DJ...

But I kept adding more things into there.

Once I realized Sun had to be a character in this, the perspective strictly stayed with Sun and Moon.

Like an OC that was meant to just be a foil, and die for character development for the Daycare Attendant turned out to be more complex then I thought as he just became a worse version of myself and I wanted to see him get better so I made a spin-off entirely about him.

I realized I wanted to have Vanny in this, because I love Vanessa. I wanted to show the toxic but completely codependent relationship the DCA has with Vanessa. Because... Well, let's face it, Vanessa is a non-character in her own game. Many fans don't love her in the way I do. Even the most hard wired DCA fans don't really have anything to say about Vanny/Vanessa.... and either ignore she exists... or she's a meangirl background character not important to the plot. Despite the fact that Vanny and Moon's relationship is the driving force for so many things that happen in Security Breach. To the point where the Daycare Attendant is literally a thematic parallel to the Vanny/Vannessa relationship... Something I've been screaming about since Security Breach came out and no one listened.... But I was right. To the Point it's explicitly confirmed in Help Wanted 2.

And I also realized that if Sun was going to be a character, I had to establish life for them for a good chunk of it and how fast things go down. I had to determine whether I wanted them to be their separate things, or one person with DID. And ... While I do think that DID is actually canon..... it's something I don't have experience with writing, and I feel that I would end up saying or portraying it offensively. Especially since the DCA already kinda has the "bad alter" archetype in canon. Plus, to coexist with Twins where they get seperated and they're learning to be their own people... It just makes more sense to have a level of miscommunication between the two. So we understand Sun's fear and need for control. (like in canon Sun has no reason to string up fairylights in his dark room... other then just to never have moon switch over and make him uncomfortable. There's no kids in their room to capture. The generators can stay on in the pizzaplex and their room could be dark and the children would be safe. Sun is making it so Moon can't switch at all... and while that is horrible for Moon, it's important to see where that level of distrust and anger and controlling behavior stems from, and why Moon might be afraid of him in twins)

And If I wanted the DJMM to be friends with Moon, I also needed excuses for Moon to go there. I also needed to consider his relationship with the other Glamrocks and animatronics in the pizzaplex. I had to show how isolated Sun was and how much Sun cared for the kids, genuinely.

So the whole thing snowballed and it sometimes becomes intimidating to work on.

I guess long story short... The DJ is cool. And Moon is cool. I love them both and they make a really great non-verbal pair.

I absolutely love Lofi. So thanks for sending this ask. I know I haven't updated in awhile. But you think being unemployed would give me more freetime... lol but I'm mostly depressed and stressed.

[setaflow]

🔫 FREEZE this is a STICKUP

gimme 5 great lines that you wrote (whether you’ve posted them or not) and 5 great lines someone else wrote (whether published or fanfic) and nobody gets hurt!!

P.S. If one of lines isn't a Tom Robbins quote, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with myself. (I say this as a joke, but also...)

YES OFFICER SORRY OFFICER

Frankly I could've filled the entire second section with Tom Robbins quotes I loved, but I limited myself lmao

5 Great Lines I Wrote:

Johnny’s come to realize a long time ago that most folks tend to employ a geocentric view of Night City— it’s the center of the first world and thus all fads, conflicts, and politics are destined to fall into orbit around it. He likes to think he’s grown out of that mindset, that he’s wizened up enough to see past the veneer, but it’s hard to see the city for what it is some days and not think of it as the nucleus in the great big slow-decaying cell of what used to be modern day America.

Untitled WIP, Cyberpunk 2077

The afternoon air tastes of lethargy— the kind of lazy day you take when there’s little to do and even less worth mustering the strength for. Nothing’s stirred outside besides the occasional gust of wind, a pair of blusterous boots kicking sand up and down the main thoroughfare.

Untitled WIP, Cyberpunk 2077

The look on Hellman's face seems to've transcended terror and looped straight around to piousness, as though God Himself had strolled through the door and asked to bum a cigarette.

The Wheel of Fortune and the Hanged Man, Cyberpunk 2077

No words are exchanged, no gazes are averted. For one split second, V feels doubt creep in, wonders if she should adjust her aim and do it proper this time— no harm, no foul, right? What kind of wolf has the rabbit in its jaws and refuses to bite down?

Rain in the Desert, Chapter 17, Cyberpunk 2077

The sun and the moon were never supposed to meet. They were only supposed to follow after the other, never actually crossing paths. Two entirely separate lives, pulling and pushing on each other from a distance, content just to be as they are and never anything else. When people first saw eclipses, they interpreted them as a sign that the world was ending. Fuck. Fuck. The world has already ended so many times, and he’s still here. Alone. At the brink of everything he’s ever known, at the brink of leaving it all behind for good. And all Johnny Silverhand can think about is how to explain that he loves and hates and deeply fucking misses some stupid merc he never should’ve met who didn’t know how to cut her losses and just let him die.

In Medias Res (Here, Besides the Rising Tide) (WIP), Cyberpunk 2077

5 Great Lines Others Wrote:

"He’s twelve years old, and this summer he learns that people will always choose a simple lie over a complicated truth, because the lie has one unbeatable advantage: the truth always has to stick to what actually happened, whereas the lie just has to be easy to believe."

- Fredrick Backman, Us Against You

"The unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. When you're unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. You get to take yourself oh-so very seriously."

- Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

"There comes a point in life when you've seen so much that hardly anything surprises you or bothers you, and that's a shitty moment. Wisdom is so terribly overrated."

- Drew Magary, The Hike

“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.”

- Min Jin Lee, Pachinko

"Trees fall with spectacular crashes. Planting is silent and growth invisible."

Richard Powers, The Overstory

[forbidden-salt]

Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if I needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; but you are worth fighting for.

[shortystack75]

Another very niche post about Stars Align / Hoshiai No Sora

This one is in regards to the characters' worldviews and mindset, based on a few very specific factors and things I noticed while rewatching it for the 5th(6th?) time.

Long post so its all under the cut

Random people who know nothing about Stars Align can also read if you want to see a loser 21 yr old lose their mind, I explain everything so you'll only be a little lost

Teirlist graphic to grab your attention and more easily show you:

So as you can see im basing it off of 2 main axis, one with 2 points and one with 3. I'll give a brief little overview of what I mean by each category and then go into why I think each character is in each category. Solitary vs Inclusive refers to how they center themselves in the world, this does NOT mean whether or not they are self centered, it refers to how they view themselves and other people IN the world and whether or not they believe other people can be outside of their mindset, i'll explain more later. "Me vs the World", "Me vs Them" and "Us vs the Them" refers to how the characters view 'sides'. Do I think that character is likely to think of themselves as as singular? than they fall under one of the "Me vs" categories. Do I think the character perceives a specific crowd/type of person to be a 'side' or do I think the character perceives everyone as the opposite side until proven otherwise? that denotes the "vs Them" or "vs The World" part of the mindset I'll start from the bottom up, left to right for anyone who doesn't know the characters or cant remember the names.

Starting with Maki Our main character, I put him as Inclusive "Us vs Them" because of a few key reasons we see throughout the anime. For the Us vs Them mindset, we consistently see Maki being a team player heavily in regards to not only the tennis team, but people he identifies or gets along with. Before he ever gets to know Yuu and before they're part of the club, Maki has already mentally categorized Yuu as part of his "Us/We" the same goes for Mitsue after they get along in class. We can actually see him interact with Mitsue before he categorizes her when he bumps into her. He apologizes and makes sure she's alright because he's a good person, but otherwise is off-footed towards her. She's not a "Them" in his mindset, but she's also not yet "Us/We". The main part of his Them" is of course his father and anyone who goes against his "Us/We" such as the bully Itsuki hit with his racket "He had it coming" Isn't something he would say about just anyone. As for the Inclusive or Solitary part, there is NO shot Maki was ever going to be Solitary. He's inclusive because of what i've already said about how he interacts with Mitsue ^. He doesn't just see the world as "Us vs Them" he knows not everyone is against him and his, and therefore not everyone should immediately raise his guard, it's why he's so casual in the first episode while not being necessarily friends with Toma yet. Toma isn't included in "Us" yet. at the start of ep 1, the only ones in "Us" is Maki himself, his mom, and Shou, but he very easily and relatedly lets his "Us" grow throughout the anime. I didn't even mention Arashi but he's another great example showcasing Maki's mindset.

Rintaro So most of the rest of these guys in this category will have a much shorter section than Maki's, mostly because we see less and I have to explain less. It's pretty easy to see that Rintaro doesn't view himself as an island and does his best for the club and his parents. This is all in his small actions and ease around the tennis club, it's hard to say whether or nor Mitsue or Arashi are included in his "Us/We". Similar to Maki, Rintaro clearly has no guard against people other to him and doesn't believe everyone not in his circle is against him.

Yuu I'll be honest I almost put Yuu into the Solitary space, mostly because of their (rightful)fear, but realized that Yuu hadn't put the club or Maki into the "Them" category immediately. While cautious with Maki upon being approached, they quickly categorize Maki as "Us/We" when he is open and kind to them, and when with the Tennis club nearer to the start, it's clear that they don't think of the club as "Them" OR "Us/We" yet. At the start of the anime, the only people in Yuu's "Us/We" besides themself are Toma and their sisters, but much like Maki, at the end the entire Club and Mitsue is clearly included in their "Us/We"

Taiyo Taiyo is mostly a repeat of things I've said about Rintaro, we don't see very much of Taiyo at all but what we do see I've determined to be in this category, and as 3 other people will probably read this I doubt any of you will fight me on it, but you would be welcome to! Even 5 years in the future.

Onto Shingo As the first and only part of our Solitary "Us vs Them" grouping, he kinda makes this category. While having a similar mindset to our other "Us vs Them"s, he doesn't really see people outside of those two categories. As shown with how he interacts with people outside of the club and his family, other people are kinda the enemy to him. He was slightly(not like Ituki and Tsubasa) antagonistic to Maki when he joined to club but swapped him over to "Us/We" seemingly easily, doing the same to Yuu when they become the club's manager. While he has an Solitary "Us vs Them" mindset, he doesn't come across as overaggro to others because he's not a naturally aggressive person, just loud and protective. As a good example, the two boys who appeared in the club room and started to mess with Yuu, their manager and part of Shingo's "Us/Them". He's he first to intervene and does so easily and calmly, Yuu is part of his "Us/We" and these boys are not, making them "Them" automatically.

Up to Istuki Itsuki is in a really interesting spot as an Inclusive "Me vs Them" By having an inclusive mindset, he knows that not everyone is against him and some people are just chilling. He does not have an "Us/We" mentality but he still has friends and people he cares about, shown how along with Shingo, he steps in when Yuu is being harassed. He does it in a more antagonistic way, calling them names with no remorse. Yuu may not be "Us" because there is only "Me/I" for Itsuki, but these two idiots have still come into Itsuki's space, his club room, and are messing with his club member, his manager. Anything like this becomes personal because he's "Me/I" centric which is why he reacts slightly more aggressively than Shingo. However. He doesn't see these as attacks, just slights, because they were against Yuu, not himself directly. The racket incident, were clearly attacks. When two bullies come up to him and bad talk his homelife, he has no hesitation. He talks back, responds once or twice, these are warnings to back off, to reason. These bullies instantly were painted as "Them" as soon as they opened their stupid mouths but Itsuki would have let them go, but they kept talking, kept insulting, kept attacking him. So he strikes to defend himself, with his racket. He feels no remorse, in his mindset this jerk deserves it(kinda did but the racket was a bit much i agree with Maki). We didn't get to see much else of his mindset throughout the anime except maybe how he feels about Nao's mom ("Them").

Onto Arashi! Starting off our Inclusive "Me vs the World" off strong with our dear walking contradiction! To easily sum up his Inclusive part, he isn't actually antagonistic to anyone unless they've recently slighted him, seen as him snapping at Sunaga(his doubles partner) but soon realizing he was wrong to do so and apologizing. While Arashi is very much "Me vs the World", it's not active in his brain at all times. While everyone is against him in a general sense, he doesn't believe they are constantly against him all the time.

Toma! Most of what I would be saying about him is a repeat of what I said about Arashi^ you could argue he's Solitary "Us vs Them" but I just don't see him like that. From how he talks when at the bbq to his surprise at Maki telling him he's having fun playing tennis with Toma, etc etc he's a very lonely boy surrounded by people he doesn't think are on his side and expects one day to be against him.

Up to Tsubasa!!!!!!! I love analyzing Tsubasa he's like a little angry bug to me. Tsubasa has a solitary "Me vs Them" mindset, which means once he's placed you into the "Them" category he doesn't really let you out of it, and upon meeting you he expects you to prove you're not automatically in the "Them" category. Despite not everyone being in the "Them" category, he does not touch a "We/Us" category with a 10 foot pole. Nobody is on his side and he's afraid his own actions will cause people to choose to be in the "Them" category. He didn't look for help from his mom or brothers when his father pushed him down the stairs, he ran. He ran because he had to get away from the "Them" he found his way to Shingo's house, the closest person to an "Us" he's probably ever had, but freaks out upon Shingo actually seeing him and trys to run. He's not running from Shingo himself, he's running from the prospect of Shingo no longer being a neutral, safe, space for him. He's running from Shingo seeing Tsubasa crying and hurt and seeing any reason to slide into the "Them" category. He doesn't know he's part of Shingo's "Us/We" he can't know that. He's used to testing people and see if they leave or push back, he's used to seeing people either fail or not fail. He's not used to people actually winning.

ONTO NAO!!! If Tsubasa is the bug i study, than Nao is the salamander i begged my dad to keep in a lil fruit cup as a kid. Do i know how to care for him? hell no. Do i want him anyway? yes. Nao's mindset knows no neutrals or positives. Everyone is against him in someway including himself. His mother is actively against him, his father is there and does nothing, possibly making everything worse by being around but not around, therefore his mind has taken neutral presences to also be bad. Nao is all about appeasal, about prevention. If he can appease people he meets before they know him than maybe they will just be passively against him instead of actively against him. He lies to Maki and the others to try and appease them, to tell them what he thinks they want to hear. He lies to his mother, in body and mind, tells her what he thinks she wants to hear and pretends to eat he food she makes while he stares into nothing, likely tasting nothing but ash. Taiyo tries to comfort him? He reacts in a way he thinks Taiyo wants, because to Nao he himself is broken and having other people realize this is dangerous and he wants to minimize it. Most of all he lies to himself. He may not even realize he is doing it, like with the infirmary incident, where he convinced himself he didn't know where Shingo's younger sister was. Because he views everyone as against him, he doesn't get them all laughing it off and forgiving him. To him he's messed up again and shown them a broken part of him. He, like Tsubasa, doesn't understand Shingo on an intrinsic level because to Shingo Nao is part of is "Us/We" and Shingo doesn't see Nao as an enemy, as an outsider.

Mitsue :) Lastly Mitsue, Similarly to Nao but with less delusions and mental illness, she views the world to inherently be against her. Unlike Nao, she isn't against herself(most of the time) Maki and the club are good friends to have for her because she keeps convincing herself they're all stupid and incompitant. Whenever Yuu mentions Mitsue actually thinking of Maki as a friend, she always shuts them down and spouts off something negative, putting on a tough front. In her mind they won't become actively against her as long as she is either useful(helping them spy on Joy) or as someone disconnected.

Anyway, if you're one of the 3 people to have read all of this, feel free to argue any of these i'd love to read or debate about it.

[pluckyredhead]

My Favorite Comics of 2023

Sometimes I think I should review all the comics I read as I read them. Then I realize I read like...40 comics a month and decide to not do that. But I figured I could at least round up my favorite books of 2023!

So as not to bury the lede...

My Favorite Comic of 2023: Green Arrow

Was there ever any question? All I have ever wanted for like 20 years at this point is Arrowfamily shenanigans, and this book has been all about reassembling the gang and letting them romp through the DC universe. This is an Ollie who is overflowing with love and bad ideas, and that's perfect. Every character and relationship has gotten a chance to shine so far, and I can't wait until they bring the girls in. I especially love how clear it is that Roy is Williamson and Izaakse's favorite. ME TOO, GUYS, ME TOO. The fact that this is now an ongoing instead of a limited series is the best gift DC could have given me.

The rest of my faves...

Alan Scott: The Green Lantern: I did not expect to be as moved by this book as I am. The overall plot is a bit hard to follow, but that's not really the point of the comic. What blows me away every issue is how unflinching and occasionally brutal the book is in its portrayal of 1940s-era homophobia, including Alan's internalized self-hatred, and yet how simultaneously incredibly kind the book is. The love and validation, especially in #2 and #3, is so generous and beautiful. Also, it's the best and most beautiful I've ever see Cian Tormey's art look - he gives everything such a hazy, heartbreaking softness here. Please read this book.

Batman/Superman: World's Finest: This continues to be one of the most enjoyable books DC is putting out right now. Mora is one of those artists, like Doc Shaner, who draws the DC universe exactly 100% the way it looks in my hindbrain, and Waid is absolutely in his sweet spot of classic heroes, Silver Age lore, and extremely comic book-y adventure. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing that thing she does with colors that taps directly into the happiness center of my brain - they are so rich and sunny and joyful.

Birds of Prey: I love everything Kelly Thompson writes and I'm so glad we finally have her at DC. She is the absolute perfect writer for this book, too - she gives such good superheroine. The banter! The action! The way she mixes and matches her cast in such fun combinations! Leonardo Romero's layouts are so kinetic and fun, and Jordie Bellaire's colors, YOU GUYS, JORDIE BELLAIRE'S FUNKY SEVENTIES COLORS! I can hear the soundtrack of this book. Love love love.

The Flash: To be clear, I mean the Jeremy Adams run that ended earlier this year with #800. I will forever be salty that DC canceled this delightful book, which was all of the action and humor and heart and love of continuity that I crave in comics, in favor of the so far completely mid Spurrier series. RIP Adams run, you were too good for this world.

Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville: This book got off to a slightly slow start, in my opinion, but every issue just gets better and better. It is so funny, and I want Natacha Bustos to design every outfit I ever wear for the rest of my life. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing the color thing here, too! I want to live in her world.

Poison Ivy: I trust G. Willow Wilson with my life. This is such a good, complex, nuanced take on Ivy. (Also messy and poly and queer.) I have no idea where this story is going but I'm on this ride 'til the end.

And finally...

Favorite Backlist Title: Starman (1994): You guys. YOU GUYS. I mainlined all 80 issues of this series this year at an absolutely blistering pace because I did not want to stop reading it for even a single second. It's everything I love about comics: truly serialized storytelling with a huge cast and lots of intertwining subplots, tons of twists and foreshadowing that pay off in immensely satisfying ways, a deep dive into continuity that's still accessible to people who know almost nothing about Starman (me), a love letter to a fictionopolis, and one funky little dude trying his best at the center of it. I am BEGGING you to read Starman. Please.