#and also she's so so SO self-centered that its hard for her to realize whats wrong and whats right

[headofhelios]

when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance

[dgoldhunter]

I'm so done...

Don't get me wrong, I loved many things about apology tour (mainly Verosika) but I was hoping this to be the break from the drama of Stolitz instead of a continuation of it. And thought I loved Verosika and her final interactions with Blitz... it felt a little... I dunno.. not logical? (not her interactions, but most of the episode)

Stolas and Blitz relationship is a whole can of worms on its own, but I'm on the team that Stolas was forcing Blitz, like I mean in the pilot of HB it showed how uncomfortable Blitz was with him, and in the very first episode how he was forced to it since he was in a very dire situation (and Stolas knew about it, since he is seeing it developing in real time throught his bubbles)... (and I mean, the pilot face says it all)

But back on track...

So my questions, how Verosika knew about their break up? All of it happened between Stolas home, not even in public, and I don't think Stolas posted it on social media... also Why is she treating him so nicely and touchy? I mean on Ozzies, the bouncer showed reverence when he saw Stolas and let him in alongside Blitz.

I could see her treating him with more respect, or asking him if its alright to hug him or something because of his royal status, or at least refer to him as "your highness" (and in Stolas fashion he would be like "Oh don't need to be so formal but eh... anyway). Sure, they are in a more casual and comfortable environment, but even then, there are some manners expected when approaching a royal. If you are going to disregard his status, then why have a ladder with the different races and their social hierarchy? I get it was to show how sweet Verosika was really, but there could be a ton of approaches to this (and it wasn't hard to tell, since she was only mean to Blitz and has been speculated since her first appearance she is really nice and lovely once you get to know her).

And talking about approaches, this episode could be PERFECT to explore more about Blitz and Verosika. Yes, they talked at the end and we get to hear that the shitshow Blitz pulled on Verosika was after she told him she loved him (and she admitted she was embarrassed since it was the first time she felt that way). Put Stolas on the sidelines for a little while, and focus on these two. Maybe not a hearfelt talk for the whole episode, but making Blitz realize that before he could apologize to Stolas, he needed to work on himself first and foremost(because his apology to him was very forced as well). I think their talk came too quickly, and even then, why talk? Why Blitz would ask Stolas for forgiveness? In his eyes on Full Moon, Stolas was using him and he ended their contract, so he snapped (rightfully so, he first forced him and now is tossing him aside).

Or hell, make it about Blitzo and his past relationships including her, how he fucked up every single one of them, knowing about more about how he meet them, how he fucked up in every single one of them, make him feel remorse since the beginning, not to just feel remorse at the end just because he couldn't get the uwu bird back. (In one episode of "The mentalist" TLDR: Doc Dungan, a football star, is told to the media to be dead when in fact he is alive. He gets to watch what people really think of him, including his ex wife, and gradually this was the wake up call he needed to stop being a self-centered asshole, more things of the episode of course, but i liked this take, now that Blitz was in a somewhat similar situation of him not being dead but having the opportunity to see and hear his exs opinions, honest opinions, about him, not just the hate part).

And... putting all this behind, WTF with Verosika's psycho break with the cake? Her voice completly changed and it feel... odd. Sure, she is not fan of Blitz, and everytime he showed up, she showed the contempt and the bitterness towards him. So this change of personality of hers stabbing the cake with so much malicious intent felt really odd coming from her. Like, following HB logic (ugh, and there isn't much), this outburst is more like how Stella would react to a Stolas cake, seeing her cartoonish hate towards him and how she treats him. Verosika never had that type of "hate" towards Blitzo. In Spring Broken aside from the fight on the parking lot, she was ignoring him, until he came to challenge her. And in Ozzies was a coincidence both of them were there at the same time, and she took the opportunity when it presented to diss on him.

So her acting like a maniac vengeful ex who wants him dead seems a non logical change (and if she wanted him dead, like the scene implied, she has the resources to ask for a hitman). I get the cake was there as pettiness symbol. But still pettiness is different from hate. And then revert that change that on was during 2/4 of the episode (the manical laughter also set me off).

At the end it was showed that she still cares for him in a way (showed in the lasts bits of the episode)... so? I would also expect that kind of murderous rage from people with absolute hate and bitterness (again, like how they are depicting Stella, damn, Stella acted the same way when discussing Stolas death if I recall and in other situations when Stolas was almost hurt).

I don't think she was acting to make him feel welcome (because Stolas looked uncomfortable when she started to act that way, and I get many exes would have those feelings towards him, but... ) and she definitely wasn't drunk, even if she have been drinking since the start of the party, it think at this point, she has a very high tolerance, so she would need a lot more to get drunk.

So yea, I loved Verosika and her return, but I expected an episode centered around her (like spring broken was) instead of shifting the focus again to stolas and blitz, who have been the main focus since the beginning of season 2. If Verosika knew about the whole shit Stolas pulled, I don't think she would have invited him to the party, since the exes part means a consesual relationship, something that Blitz and Stolas thing wasn't. Hell, I think if she could, she would have called him out (again, yes, she hates Blitz, but she still cares, I don't think she would have liked to know how his ex was raped repeatedly) since now its shown that his royal status is bleh.

So yeah, the episode felt like a excuse to comfort Stolas, still make Blitz the bad guy, give Stolas the thumbs up and comfort while Blitz rots in self hate. Verosika being the tool to comfort the poor uwu bird.

Uf, this was a long rant, and even if you don't agree, that's fine. I'm just a guy who loves Verosika Mayday... but is already tired of the writing that pushes this couple at the center of all of it.

[celestemagnoliathewriter]

Knives and the House of Black

You know who loves knives? Members of the Black family, that's who. In my newer writings, I've been exploring knives and what they can do for the Black family. This is based in canon - Bellatrix has her handy dagger, which kills Dobby and wounds Hermione (and who knows who else), and Sirius gifts Harry a knife that can open doors (until the blade is destroyed). Personally I love the idea of the Black family having a love affair with knives.

In my micro fic for the @ladiesofhpfest's mini yesterday in honor of Bellatrix Black Lestrange, I introduced a tradition of Black family witches and wizards getting knives on their 13th birthdays. This tradition came out of the world building I'm doing in my Tedromeda/Remadora AU, Supernova. I've pre-written a good bit of the work, which includes some knife head canons. I'm happy to share them here, and if you're reading Supernova, you'll see how they all fit into the story as it goes on.

HCs for Black family knives:

Knives are goblin-wrought and imbued with a ton of familial magic. Droplets of Black family blood are folded into the silver to create a particular blood magic that prevents Black family members from harming each other with their knives. The blade dulls if it touches another family member.

How related do you have to be? The magic holds with concentration, so once you get past grandparents, it's lethal. E.g. Scorpius Malfoy and Teddy Lupin couldn't hurt each other because their grandmothers were Blacks, but their children could hack each other apart if they wanted to. This also means that Black family members' spouses are fair game - e.g. Bellatrix can play with Rodolphus as much as she likes (and she really likes).

The knives have magic of their own: when they're 13, the knives have the basic Black family magic, but when they turn 17, the knives have gotten to know their owner enough that a new, unique type of magic is revealed. (See below for each of their magics!)

The knife *always* returns to its owner unless its magic is modified or the owner is deceased. If the knife is stolen or lost, it'll come back the next day.

Black family witches wear their knives around their thighs. The holsters are lightweight and barely noticeable. The holster is made of leather and the blade cleans itself within. Black family wizards keep them on their arms or in their pockets. The witches usually get daggers and the wizards usually get pocketknives. Either way, they're self-cleaning so they don't have to worry about dirty blood on their bodies.

The Black family magic can't be taken away, even if someone is disowned.

The knives are long enough to pierce the heart, or can be extended to do so.

The witches' daggers tend to be very ornate looking, with flowers, stars, or other patterns engraved in the handles. They're innocent looking until you're being stabbed and losing consciousness. Yay!

The wizards' knives are handsome and practical-looking. They look like ordinary pocketknives most of the time until you realize that they're about to shank you.

Now, for specific HCs on what the knives can do for each family member when they turn 17 (this is an incomplete list - it's what I have so far for Supernova, which is mostly centered on the Black family witches):

Walburga: her knife BURNS. If she's stabbing you with her dagger, it's going to scorch your skin and make your blood boil. Ouch.

Orion: his pocketknife is Walburga's opposite. It freezes, so imagine getting stabbed in the heart and then having your heart grow cold at the same time. Goodbye life.

Alphard: his pocketknife is a dual-purpose compass. It can give him directions as needed, but also points to what he most desires (think Jack Sparrow's special compass).

Cygnus: his knife temporarily blinds its victim. Not only can he stab you, but you'll be blinded for a hot minute, which makes it hard to escape.

Bellatrix: her knife ALWAYS leaves a mark. She can carve whatever she wants into whoever she wants. That scar is never going away.

Andromeda: her knife doubles as an escape. She can swish it around and create a quick bubble with which she can Apparate away as needed.

Narcissa: her knife changes shape according to her wish. This is useful with potions, but extra useful if she wants to inflict maximum damage on someone by using a serrated blade.

Sirius: his knife is the pocketknife that opens any door. He's clever enough to change the magic on it so he can gift it to Harry, because he's had enough of his family and Harry has more use for it now.

Regulus: his knife becomes invisible to anyone but him. It's an excellent way of being able to sneakily attack someone. You think he's going in for a hug or a handshake and boom, bye-bye life.

Nymphadora/Dora: this is particular to Supernova, my story, as she's being raised under different circumstances. Her dagger will heal her. When she runs her blade against a wound on her body (and her body alone) it will seal itself.

It's all fun, games, and knives, until one of them is fucking you up with their knife and having a fabulous time doing so.

[thecapricunt1616]

Blue Lotus - SxC One-Shot

♡ O/S Inspo: Blue Lotus - In Vedic Hindu tradition, the lotus represents enlightenment as well as purity. It is the symbol of the consciousness rising out of the mud of Maya and attaining its original nature or self-realization. 

♡ Summary: Carmen accidentally almost checks out of life permanently due to a migraine fucking up his vision, and Sugar flips & sends him off to a trauma rehabilitation center, Syd is realizing she finds it extremely hard to stay away from him.

♡ W/C: 7,616

♡ Posted Date: 04/06/2024

♡ A/N: This is my first SydCarmy fic aaa!!! I have a hard time writing in 3rd unless its not my characters, so writing in 3rd for them was okay! This OS is all thanks to the LOML - the person who FULLY turned me into a #SydCarmy4Lifer - @gingergofastboatsmojito - This fic was HEAVILY - heavily, inspired by hers - Tucson, It can be found right ❀ here ❀ - My only request is you go read hers if you are going to read this one!! Her SydCarmy fics are the best, and the only ones I really read, give her a follow because her SydCarmy theories are also out of this world. Also, YES GINGER - Stardust is .... a horse - ol' girl TOLD THEM she'd always be watching!! If you'd like to meet Madame in her human form, mosey on over here - this fic also heavily inspired me to write for SydCarmy hahaha. If y'all want more of Blue Lotus let me know! I have ideas for a PT 2 if it would fancy anyone :)

♡ Warnings for BTC: Accidental OD , Vomit, Sad Syd, but fluffy kinda!! Only lightly edited (we die like men), OC Carmy (IM SORRY) we all know he's down bad for her so maybe this can be considered IC Carm, because were just in his head more then watching him? But that's all basically.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

Carmen was sick as a dog. Well - physically- the mental demons never stopped nagging at his overall happiness level, but it had been a long time since he’d felt this horrible, physically speaking, at least. 

His muscles were aching, to the point any brush on his skin left a dull pain in its wake. His throat was swollen and sore, he had a terrible fever- his head felt like it was so full of pressure that it would explode. 

He’d never experienced a headache like this before. His vision was actually spotty, there were little blotches in his vision, that were... glowing? He wasn’t quite sure, it was beyond the realm of anything he’d ever felt or seen before. 

That was what must have caused him to grab his black bottle of oxydose he’d gotten after a root canal he had a few months back- rather then his liquid Zyrtec cold and flu liquid medicine. 

The pain in his head was so bad, he didn’t even question why the usual cherry flavor had been replaced with bubblegum, as he swallows straight from the bottle, before putting the cap back on and going back to the couch, collapsing in the nest of pillows and blankets. 

It was only about 10 minutes, and Carmy was feeling fine- no…Carmen was feeling… amazing. 

His limbs all felt very heavy, but he felt warm, and comfortable. As comfortable as he’d ever felt. He actually found himself thinking ‘have I ever felt this good?!’ And before he knew it, he was laughing to himself about how he should double dose cold medicine more often, because he felt as if he was on cloud fucking nine. 

He laid back on the couch, closing his eyes, and wasn’t sure just how long he laid there that way. It could have been minutes, hours, days for all he knew. The only thing he was thinking of, was her. He began wondering what she was doing right now, if she was adorably leaned over the counter, writing in her little notebook- her braids cascaded over her face like a beautiful beaded curtain. 

If the blood in his arms hadn’t been replaced with cement, he’d have grabbed his phone and called her, and poured out his entire heart to her. Because nothing else in the world right now mattered. Carmen had no other thoughts, the past didn’t exist, nor did the future. The only thing that existed in this world at this very moment, was Sydney. 

‘Psssst’ 

Carmen opens his heavy lids, just barely, his vision was blurry and almost doubled. “Mmm?” He hums, not even sure if he heard someone- or why he would hear someone. He lived alone, and didn’t hear anyone come in. 

‘Yo. Dipshit.’ Carmen knew that voice anywhere. 

“What?” Carmy looked around, and knew something was very amiss, when his brother was standing there in his living room, looking at him. He had this ethereal glow to him. 

“What the fuck” Carmen said, sitting back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.  

‘You’re nodding out right now. Here’s what y’gonna do.’ 

Carmen couldn’t do anything but nod his head obediently, was Mikey really here? He couldn’t be- he was hallucinating. 

“Monkey are you here?” Carmen asks softly, rubbing his eyes again to see if he would disappear. He didn’t. 

‘I’m as here as you’ll be if Y’don’t listen. Crawl to the fucking bathroom and throw up. She’s gonna be here f’you, don’t fight her’ 

Before Carmy could look back at him and question what he meant - he was gone. 

Carmen suddenly felt…much too hot. He tried getting up, but narrowly missed bashing his skull on the coffee table trying to get to the bathroom, so he decided to take his wise older brother's advice and crawl there instead. 

He didn’t finish the journey, though. He actually collapsed in the bathroom a few feet in front of the toilet, luckily on his stomach. 

He was catching all sorts of luck today, because Syd had insisted she go and check on Carmy, as he was supposed to be at work today but hadn’t said a word- and that was nothing like him. 

She got the extra key from Nat, and told her she would go check because ‘Pregnant women have by nature weaker immune systems’ and would blame herself if she ‘let Carmen get her sick’, so she convinced Sugar to let her go by herself. 

When Sydney had opened the door, the first thing that greeted her was loads of empty Gatorade bottles on the coffee table near the couch, and a random French cooking show playing on the tv. 

“Carm?” She calls, but when she saw one of his feet sticking out from the bathroom, she dropped her bag and ran, gasping when she saw him splayed out there in a puddle of vomit, looking sickly pale, with dark blue lips and fingertips. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!” She shrieked, getting him on his side as fast as she could and quickly pushing the emergency button on her phone, putting the call on speaker and setting it to the bathroom counter. 

“Carmen? CARMEN! Wake up!” She slapped his arm, shaking him violently. “Carmen! Oh- oh god.” She said nervously. 

‘911 do you need fire, medical, or police?’ The woman at the other end says. 

“Medical! Medical my friend- oh god Carmen” she shakes his shoulders. 

“Okay what’s your emergency?” The operator asks 

“Uhh- I- he’s- so he’s thrown up, he’s passed out, his pulse is weak- he- his lips- t-they’re blue. oh Carmy” she touches his cold clammy forehead. “He- he’s- he’s cold oh my god why is he COLD can you fucking send someone Jesus Christ!” Sydney snaps angrily. 

“Okay- it sounds like he is having an opioid crisis ma’am, do you have narcan available?” The operator asked her and Syds heart drops. 

“No- what? No! He- he wouldn’t- his brother- he…get here!” She said frantically and quickly told her the address of Carmen’s apartment complex.

“Yes, yes you’re calling on an Iphone, ma’am - we have your exact coordinates. Just in case - do not try to make him throw up more, make sure his airway is clear- what is your name?” The woman asked her. 

“Sydney- my name is fucking Sydney - but it doesn’t matter! He matters! My god! His name is Carmen- C-Carmen fucking Berzatto! Put that in your notes lady! He- he’s 31- where the fuck is the ambulance?!” She uses all of her strength to get him leaned up against the counter. 

His vomit was getting everywhere, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t find a way to care, the only thing that mattered to her was that each breath Carmy was taking looked more and more difficult. 

“They are en route! Remain calm, how long have you known this friend?” The Operator tried to distract Sydney, since there was only so much you could do for an OD patient if there was no narcan. 

“He- he’s my…my partner we run a restaurant together. This doesn’t matter! Save him. Please! I can’t loose him!” She said, shaking his shoulders. 

“Carmen! You fucking asshole! What did you do!!!” She shouts at him. “You would never do this! What did you do!!!” She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, it didn’t matter though- Carmen wasn’t awake to see it. 

No, Carmen was far, far away. Somewhere floating between life and death, he felt like he was being embraced in the warmest most comforting hug he’d ever felt, he’d never been more comfortable in his life. 

But Syd, was in hell. Her own personal version of it. It felt like a lifetime before 2 paramedics came barreling into the bathroom, one of them holds Carmys head steady and the other sprays a full dosage of narcan in his nose. 

Sydney stood in the corner near the shower, shaking hands cupping her face absolutely terrified. 

Carmen was up now, nearly the second the paramedic hit the plunger release. He sits up with a gasp, eyes wide like a caged animal. 

“What the fuck.” He mumbles, looking at both of them before meeting eyes with Syd. 

“Syd?” He blinks a few times. 

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding “you asshole” she grumbles, wiping her teary eyes. 

“You’re home, you’re safe, you overdosed. Do you take opioids often?” The paramedic asked, putting a blood pressure cuff around Carmen’s arm. 

“What? No- what the fuck don’t touch me!” Carmen snaps, ripping off the cuff and whipping it across the bathroom “stop- stop! Stop touching me- get away” he shouted angrily “I’m fine” he hissed. 

“CARMEN!” Sydney barks, she’d never used that tone with him- so it was fair to say it very quickly got his attention. 

“You will let them do their job, dick. I just- I- I find you in a puddle of your own vomit on the bathroom floor- I couldn’t wake you up! So now? you’re gonna listen to them.” She said angrily, grabbing the blood pressure cuff from next to her leg where it fell and handing it back to the paramedic.

“Give him your arm.” She snipped. 

Carmen sits back against the bathroom wall like a dog being scolded, wordlessly offering his arm to the paramedic and keeping his gaze fixed on his lap. 

“192 over 96” the paramedic told the other. 

“Christ kid” the paramedic said, “gave you a fuckin dose of narcan and y’wired like y’re on coke” they helped him up and on the gurney. 

“Hes- he’s gonna be okay?” Sydney asked anxiously, watching as they buckled him in by his hips and legs. 

“He's gonna be fine in a day or so.” One of them responded. Carmen just looked away, the shame and embarrassment already looming over his mind like a huge storm cloud. 

“I’m gonna…I’ll- I’ll clean up, and meet you at the hospital, ok? And I’ll have sugar meet you” she told Carmen and went over, giving him a hug. 

He couldn’t understand. It made him slightly angry how sweet she was being to him. He was putting her out, he was fully fucking up her whole day- but all she was worried about was him. 

“Syd..I’m fine. Thanks. But I’m fine. Don't- just…ugh no- please- I’ll do it. Just go- go home. take the day” He said, gently patting her back. 

He wanted to throw his arms around her and never let go, he wanted to kiss her- he wanted to hold her and tell her he would never leave her again. He wanted to tell her he loved her. 

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would, or could for that matter, since he didn’t even realize yet that was what the feeling in his heart really meant. 

“Thank god. Thank god you’re fine, Carm. What would I do without the biggest pain in my ass?” She teased. 

Even though Carmen was hurting all over in a way he didn’t realize was possible, his lungs were aching, as was his entire body, and he felt as if the pressure behind his eyes were going to make them pop out - he smiled. It was slight, of course. But it was there. 

“Couldn’t get rid’a’me if y’tried, Syd.” he told her. 

The ride to the hospital was Carmen’s nightmare. They insisted on the stupid flashing lights and sirens, since his blood pressure was ‘dangerously high’ so he was at risk for a heart attack, and then rolling him out on a stretcher in front of all his neighbors was nothing short of a god damn dumpster fire. 

He was never home, but like hell he’d ever intentionally show his face during the day again. 

The hospital was even worse, he got plugged in to all these monitors and had an oxygen mask, got poked and prodded with needles, and was told he was being put on a 24 hour psych hold per hospital policy after an overdose- just in case he’d been trying to end his own life. 

Sugar got there shortly after the nurses had finally let him be, when he heard her loudly telling them “CARMEN! BERZATTO! Like bear! B-e-r-z-a-t-t-o!!! Where IS HE !” He ripped off the oxygen mask, knowing if she saw him that way he’d never live it down. 

Even though it really was helping ease the ache in his lungs and the pain in his head, he was willing to deal with it for his very pregnant sister not to worry. 

Her heels click as she storms down the hall to his room, ripping the curtain back. 

“Oh- Bear” she said, bursting into tears and rushing up to him, hugging him tightly. “Oh my god, bear. Never do that! What did you do? No- no- you aren’t in trouble, you aren’t in trouble, Carmen. I love you. You just worried me! You made Sydney cry Carmy! What the fuck- what happened?” She cupped his cheeks, observing his exhausted face. 

“Oh you’re sick- you’re so sick- Carmy” she felt his forehead and cheeks with the back of her hand like she did when they were kids. “It was an accident, right, right Bear? You wouldn’t do this?” She said, more pleading him than asking.  

“No. No. No sug, no- I- I’d never. I just fucked up! I’m fine. I’m fine. C’mere” he hugs her close, kissing her head gently. “Stress isn’t good for the baby bear” he joked, hoping it would get her to lighten up. 

“Carmy stop” she pushed away, looking at him seriously. “No. No. This isn’t okay- nothing - nothing about this is okay, bear! You almost died! Syd said- “ she shook her head. “Carmy. I- we can’t do this. We can’t. You’re right.” She sniffled, sitting back in the chair next to his hospital bed and wiping her tears. 

“What- what do you mean?” He sat up a bit. 

“I- if you….i can’t watch you like this anymore, Carmy. I can’t- I can’t see you wither away. Fucking emotionally anymore. It’s killing me. It’s hurting-“ she took a shaking breath. 

“It’s hurting your niece. Carmen. I can’t do it anymore. here.” She dug around her purse, pulling out a brochure. 

“Go- go. Get out of fucking Chicago, Carm. This place- I-i heard of it” she sniffled “its stupid-“ she laughed a bit, shaking her head. “So stupid, fuckin this..this Astrologer. She said in her podcast that this is the best place to go based on the location? I dunno…it’s a therapy place” she said. 

Carmen looked at the Brochure, his brows raising. 

‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ the front contained photos of absolutely breathtaking pine trees, mountains, as well as red cabins. 

‘Blue Lotus is tucked safely away on Big Bear Lake in Big Bear, CA. Come and experience an inpatient by day, outpatient by night 30 day program, along with 15 days of sole inpatient TF-CBT therapy, focused on your direct needs as a patient. We specialize here at Big Bear in Equestrian Therapy, and Cattle Therapy. Enjoy hiking on hundreds of miles of breathtaking trails, and get to know the stunning haven that is Big Bear, California.’ 

“Horses.” Carmen looks at her, unwavered. 

“Yes! They say they like- get us or something? You’ll be back before I give birth. Go. Carmen. Go. Or- or I can’t work there, anymore it-“ she shakes her head, looking down at her swollen belly as hot thick tears stream down her cheeks. “It’s like watching Michael…again. In a different way” she said quietly, wiping her face and looking up at him once again. “Please.” She whispered. 

He shook his head, setting the stupid brochure down on the bedside table and laying back in the bed, grabbing the oxygen since his head was beginning to pound again and putting it back over his face, averting her worried gaze. 

“I don’t have the energy to call these people” he muttered, closing his eyes and resting his head back, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. 

“I- I already got you a bed. I called them…on the way over- I begged them. And they are willing to take you, Carmy. Please. I’ll pick your cabin and everything - you- you stay in a cabin after the 15 days and then for 30 you go back and forth. It sounds so nice, bear. I know they’re gonna take such good care of you think about it- please- will you go?” she got up, pulling him into a hug. 

“Thank you” she whispered after a few moments when he didn’t decline her. 

Carmen didn’t reply. If Sugar really thought that stupid place would make him ‘change’ (if that was even possible) and if she really felt as if it was affecting her child that was growing inside of her- he would give it a try. Even though he felt as if it would be just another money pit in the name of ‘mental health’ that didn’t do a thing. 

“There’s dead man walkin’!” Richie said, Syd following in behind him. 

“Stop! Don’t call him that Richie it was scary!” Syd shoves his shoulder. 

Carmen grabbed the brochure, quickly tucking it under the blanket. 

“Fuck you, cousin” Carmy said, his voice all nasally and low from his flu or whatever the fuck he’d picked up, that had led him to giving himself a cocktail of meds that almost sent him to Michael prematurely by total mistake. 

“Carmen is leaving. As soon as he’s released. So- get your time in he won’t be home for a month or two” Sugar said and sat down, not budging on the issue. 

Carm just rolled his eyes, laying his head back and wanting to melt into a puddle on the floor, but at the same time, he also wanted to pull Syd into the stupidly small hospital bed, and hold her to him, never letting her go. 

“You are?” Syd asked, coming to his bedside and meeting his gaze. 

He just stared at her. Wordlessly, he pulled out the crumpled brochure and offered it to her. She took it, looking at it. Richie comes over as well, peeking over Syd’s shoulder to read. 

“Equestrian therapy? Gonna go play with some horsies Carm?” He teased, his smugness being wiped off his face when Syd stomps on his foot with most of her weight, causing him to whine in pain. 

“Woops! Maybe you should learn some personal fucking space asshole” she shoved back in to him so he would take a few steps back. 

“Ow!” He said dramatically, plopping next to Sugar who was also glaring at him with equal fire. 

“Okay- okay- sorry fuckin hell. The kid is fine” he said and Carmen motions to him. 

“See! See! Jagoff is right sometimes” he said to Syd and she shook her head. 

“This…is good. This is really good. I’m for this.” She said, looking at Sugar before handing the brochure back to him. “I’m… gonna miss you, but…you need to get the fuck out. Like really, out, Carm.” She told him. 

He sighed deeply, resting his head back and closing his eyes once more. 

Whatever will make Syd happy, he would do, no matter the amount of discomfort it brought him. 

“Fine.” He mumbled.  

“Really?” Sugar asked him and he looked over at her, brows slightly furrowed. 

“Want me to fuckin fight you about it?” He snipped, already annoyed with how easy he was giving in- but he was too exhausted to fight, and Syds lavender perfume was so comforting, and so familiar. He just wanted everyone except Syd to leave, and to be able to hold her. 

That wasn’t going to happen though, probably ever was what he’d told himself. No, that would be too good, the universe would be much too kind to Carmy as to let him have the ultimate pleasure and enjoyment that would come from being with her in that way. 

“No…no. I’m sorry. Thank you, Bear. I know this is gonna be good”  Sugar said quietly. 

The doctor came in, saving Carmen from the uncomfortable conversation. “Hello again, Mr.Berzatto. I have your results here- is this okay company? If not I can have them step out for a moment” she’d said. 

Carmen had already completely forgotten her name, her name to him was simple - not Claire. Which was the only good thing to happen to him today. 

“As long as I’m not dying cause these two will pitch a fit. You can go ahead” he said, sitting up slightly in the bed. 

“No, no. you are very healthy, well- for the most part. Does your family have a history of high blood pressure?” She asked, sitting in the rolling chair next to the bed and holding her tablet in her lap. 

“Dad. Dad did, bear.” Sugar said. 

“Oh! Lovely- and did dad also have chronic treatment resistant depression?” The doctor turns to her. 

“I- I don’t know but…I know he was depressed for sure.” Sugar replied honestly. 

“And I know per your file you’re a smoker, heavy or moderate?” The doctor asked 

“Heavy” Syd buts in and Carmen didn’t even have the energy to fight either of the women. 

“So heavy is a pack plus a day does that sound average?” The doctor asked Carmy and he nods a bit. 

“Sometimes…sometimes two. Depending on uh…how shit is” he cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, so we’re gonna need to reduce as much as we possibly can. And we’re also going to speak about treatment options. Have you ever done mental therapy?” She asked Carmen. 

“He’s getting help. Don’t worry” Sugar said, “he’s going to do a therapy program. Blue lotus? Heard of it?” She asked. 

The doctor nods with a slight smile. “That would be wonderful for you, by the looks of your chart.” She got up. 

“Visiting hours are over at 10 pm, he will need to remain here until at least 1 pm tomorrow afternoon- then he’s yours.” She headed towards the door, shutting the privacy curtain behind her before closing the door. 

Richie chuckled “hack job name” he muttered, rubbing his face tiredly. 

“What was her name?” Sugar looked over at him. 

“Doctor Ginseng?” He said, “isn’t that a- a fuckin-“ 

“A root. A very expensive, luxurious root. It can be put into tea, or soup…the native people of China believe it has properties that make your body better deal with stress” Syd said absentmindedly, staring at the clock while nervously twirling the end of one of her braids. 

“She got it” Carm said and the corners of his lips tugged into a smile, just a bit. He absolutely adored the way if Syd wasn’t beating him to the punch when someone asked a random food question- that she was teaching him something. 

Even after years in the kitchen, the hundreds of hours watching cooking shows, Sydney still managed to teach him. He was utterly amazed by her every single day. 

“That’s a good idea. I- I think we have some. Back at the restaurant. All the stuff here will be shit- I’m gonna make you tea. And soup.” she got up, grabbing her bag. “Don’t fucking die when I’m gone, Kay? Guess you need that reminder now” she told him. 

He rolled his eyes slightly “Y’don’t have t’fuckin make me tea Syd. I’m fine.” He said, but something deep inside him yearned for Syd to take care of him. He craved it. 

“I’m making the tea, and you’re drinking the tea. Be back soon” she said before heading out.

Sydney had stuffed Carm full of pastina chicken soup and warm ginseng tea with lemon, ginger root, and plenty of local honey. As well as sourdough bread that Marcus had made fresh that morning. 

They sat and talked, just the two of them for hours until visiting hours were over. The nurse had to actually warn them both that she’d told them 4 times already it was past visiting hours and she ‘wasn’t afraid to have people removed’ before Sydney finally hugged Carmy goodbye and left. 

They both took his leaving for 45 days extremely serious. They’d joked together about just how quickly and casually Sugar had whipped out the information, all put together so neatly - it was quite obvious she’d been waiting for an opportunity to ship Carmen off here. 

They laughed a bit, and shared stories, and of course Carm answered any and every question Syd had about running the restaurant on her own while he was going to be away. 

Syd had even pulled a chair up to the bed at one point, resting her legs across the mattress after taking her shoes off, and her legs were draped across his own. He didn’t dare say anything, though. He was relishing in the feeling of closeness with her, even if it was as close as they’d ever be.  

Syd had actually made him so excited that the nurse had come in when she first came back and Carmy realized they’d be alone, to realize he was perfectly fine- his heart had just settled at a new pace since she was around. 

He was feeling worlds better by the time he’d gotten to the airport on Sunday morning. He’d spent the rest of Saturday evening at Sugars after he’d been discharged from the hospital, and had one last close family meal with Syd, Richie, Nat, and Pete, well, Pete was a must - he couldn’t uninvite the man from his own house, unfortunately. 

Carmen would be in a hotel in Big Bear, California by nightfall, and by the following morning he’d be starting his 15 day inpatient stint at ‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ tucked away on a farm, in a dip of Big Bear Lake. How fitting. 

The parking lot of the airport was full of tears, not from Carmy- of course, but a very tearful Sugar, who’d conveniently spent the rest of his hospital stay packing him 2 weeks of clothes to cycle through, explaining phones were allowed- but they gave the toiletries, since it was a mental health center after all. 

She kept hugging him, kissing his cheeks- as if she was sending him to war and not a fucking treatment center. “Is there…somethin’ I’m missing- am I never coming back er somethin are you selling me to some weird chef collector?” Carmen teased, getting at least a small giggle from her. 

“God no. I just… this will work Carmy. It has to work. You’ll get better, okay? It’ll all be fine.” She wiped her face. He nodded a bit. 

“It’ll work.” He said, he wasn’t sure if he believed it- but if it got her to stop feeling so sad, he would agree. 

“I love you, be safe ok?” She said for the millionth time “and remember look at your phone I sent you-“ 

“The flight number, Nat. I love you. Thank you again” he kissed her cheek, grabbing his suitcase and opening his texts, clicking his flight number she sent him. 

“Gate D11! Thank you Nat. Gotta go now- unless…” he teased. 

She smiled a bit, finally. “Get out of Chicago.” She pat his arm gently and got back in the car to a waiting Pete. 

The flight was okay, it felt much longer than he was expecting, but his anxiety told him a lot of things- he couldn’t trust minute things such as time and how he understands it anymore. The first thing he noticed upon landing was the stunning green, and the crisp air. 

The air felt…cleaner, then Chicago. It was chilly- since fall was quickly approaching. Carmen was suddenly grateful Nat had him put on a hoodie before leaving this afternoon. He had the entire evening to explore, and not be himself. 

He already was feeling some kind of new. He wasn’t here to work, definitely not to play, but he could enjoy himself, because he didn’t have to be him. At least not for the night. He opened the Uber app on his phone, booking a trip to the hotel to check in.  

When he’d gotten to the hotel and showered, dressing in some vintage Levi’s and a white long sleeve in trade for his short sleeve, along with his favorite plaid jacket. He had to get somewhere to see how people live here, how to be apart here, so he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb at this rehab place. 

He’d grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulders and opened Apple Maps on his phone, looking for a park to go sit at and just be. He found a park close by, simply called ‘BearHill Park’ and following the walking directions. 

He’d missed his ventures to various parks in New York, but especially in Copenhagen. Copenhagen had the most beautiful sunsets Carmen had ever seen before. He missed it sometimes, not the work, but the life. It felt worlds more simple then his life now, where every relationship, every aspect of his job- was dripping with difficulty to manage it all. 

When he got to the park, he’d found an oak tree that looked well over 200 years old, getting situated under it and resting against the trunk, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.  

He watched a couple and a baby walking by, carefully though as he’d learned quickly as a child most people don’t take kindly to being looked at for more then a few moments at a time. But Carmen didn’t watch people in an odd way, of course. He was just wanting to observe, see how he should be. And in a place so new, so out of his ordinary all by himself, it was gonna take a lot of observing to get himself readjusted. 

He watched as the father pushed the carriage along, the mother holding his hand happily. They were far away so he couldn’t hear what they were speaking about, but it must be funny because their heads were tilted back in laughter multiple points throughout the conversation as they continued on. 

He continued on his cigarette, his eyes now finding a younger couple. He sat up a bit, leaning further against the tree to get a better look. From behind, the woman reminded him a lot of Syd, of course it wasn’t- but it was also the way her boyfriend or- husband- Carmen wasn’t emotionally advanced enough to look for a ring, he’d never needed to before.

It was how his arms were covered in tattoos, and his hair was a muss of dirty blonde curls like his. It was how the woman was beautifully tall, with stunning long black braids, and a floral scarf tied around the top of her head. She was much more…boisterous then Syd, but none the less. They looked like them in another world.  

So not only, has this other man, found his Syd, the universe was determined to rub Carmen’s nose in it, or that’s how he took it, anyhow. 

He scoffed a bit, rolling his eyes and looking the other way. Of course. He thought. Everyone can be happy but me. I’m headed to adult crazy camp! And those two are just, fuckin happy and in love. 

The girl laughed loudly, causing Carmen to look back over. “CAMREN!” She squeaked as he tickled her. “Cam! Stop- I-I can’t breathe!! You asshole” she punched his shoulder playfully. 

“Do you give up?! Say it!!!” The man countered, continuing the assault on her sides. 

“No- NO! This- this is cheating!” She said, interrupted by her own laughs. 

“Cheating?! No, I'm getting what’s rightfully mine Scarlett!” He pinned her arms above her head. 

Carmen now looked away. He couldn’t help but think of Syd while watching them, and think of everything he was too pussy to pull off. He wished he could take Syd somewhere like this, but who would run the restaurant, and why would she say yes. 

He’d finished his cigarette by the time the couple had left and he took out his sketchbook and the pen that lived inside of it. He looked at the recipe on his phone Syd had sent ‘Farro Mafaldine with browned Black Truffle Butter and Chanterelles mushrooms’ 

He had tried it for her, and he actually told her he wanted another bite to be sure he was ‘getting everything’ when really- it was just so fantastic he couldn’t stop at one single bite. 

“Syd that is…wow. Really, really fuckin fire. If it weren’t for the mushroom, we’d need that on the permanent menu. Have you tried others?” He’d asked. 

Syd just smiled and nodded, a lot of times she was around Carmen- she thanked god for her darker complexion, considering he made her feel overly hot, all the time. Nearly every time he spoke to her, and she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t always this way. But ever since they opened the restaurant together- things had changed between them. Not for better, not for worse, the energy just… shifted. 

Carmen got lost in thought of Syd, and before he could realize what he was doing- he was drawing her. He rested his elbow on his knee, crouched over as he added details to each intricate little braid. It was one of Carmen’s favorite things about Sydney. 

No matter how she wore her hair, she looked absolutely beautiful. The braids, he did have to admit, were his favorite. Maybe it was because it was how her hair was when they met, but they interested him. He wanted to sit and watch her doing them. She told him a while back, she did them herself. 

Apparently, her mother wasn’t able to teach her- but she had cousins that could. She says it was usually much more expensive to have it done then just do it yourself, that part made sense to him. He was really impressed the first time he told her, she laughed a bit at that.  

‘Most of us do our own hair, I mean- unless you got it like that. But otherwise, just like the white girls we have to do it on our own’ Carmen blushed, feeling silly for not realizing. 

‘Yeah- yeah I..I get that but. I dunno…I’ve seen Sug do her hair…it seems easier” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

‘Oh, well yeah, that’s why I only do mine every 6 weeks!’ She’d said, wiping down the counter. 

‘Really? Well that’s cool. I thought you like…I dunno.’ He chuckled a bit. 

‘That I went home, took out 200 plus braids, and then put them all back in before I come in every day?’ She teased. 

Now Carmen’s cheeks were bright red. ‘Okay- listen I’m not a girl. I wouldn’t know’ 

Carmen caught himself smiling at the memory. He looked up at the setting sky, and his heart fluttered a bit at the beauty of it. He’d realized he’d sat there now for probably 5 hours, his back was aching, but he didn’t care. 

He didn’t care because this was the most at peace he’d felt since moving back to the states. And he was alone. He snapped a photo of the gorgeous sunset with his phone, hitting the send button and hovering over Syds name for a moment, before deciding to click it. 

She did tell him to text her when she got settled in after all. 

In CA - this place lives up to the name. Never seen so many bear statues in my life. 

He sends the text, with the photo attached, not even realizing the photo had been a live capture, and you could fully see the drawing of Syd for half a second if you held the photo down. 

He put his phone back in his pocket, continuing on his drawing. Back in Chicago, Syd was very glad that she was working today- because the only thing on her mind otherwise was one single person. 

“Okay guys! I need some hands here- we got 3 dishes for table 13 let’s move! Keep up the pace!” She called out. She had already been here 12 hours, and wasn’t planning on being out for another 6. 

It was just how Sydney operated - she couldn’t sit and worry about Carmen. It would just unearth emotions she didn’t want to go searching for, and once they came up she was worried it would ruin absolutely everything she’d worked so hard to maintain. 

And back across the country, 2,000 miles away, Carmen was contently packing his backpack, getting up, and heading to a small diner he’d seen. He enjoyed a quiet burger to himself, in the corner booth, looking out the window at the water. 

The place truly was beautiful, and very hidden away. There were barely any cars here, it was fully the opposite of anywhere he’d stayed long term, and he was beginning to feel as if he needed that, he wouldn’t admit that to sugar, though. 

He’d gone back to his hotel, taken a shower, gotten in his pajamas, and was laid in bed, watching some random cooking show on the food network since the TV unfortunately didn’t have YouTube like his did. 

When Sydney had seen the photo, she almost didn’t realize it was live at first. She was also at home, finally in bed- but she was 2 hours ahead of Carmen- so instead of it being 11 pm- it was 1 am. She’d scrubbed the restaurant floor until she was sure someone could eat off it, and made sure every station was in perfect condition before returning home.  

She laid in bed with sore hands, a sore back, and sore knees, and sore- well, everything. When she finally had checked her phone and seen it. She smiled a bit at the comment about the bear statues, clicking the photo open to see more. 

It was a breathtaking sunset for sure. She went to close the photo, her thumb lingering because she saw a speck of white in the corner- and the photo started moving. For just a short moment she sees…. Herself? On the page of Carmen’s sketchbook.

She could feel her heart thumping in her throat. Why would he be drawing her? Unless- no! Keep the emotions buried! He is sick. He is so depressed- treatment resistant depression the doctor had said his chart showed. 

She swallowed thickly, not sure what to say back. Should she just ignore it? Should she mention it boldly? Should she just…forget about it and convince herself it didn’t happen? 

She typed and retyped the message multiple times, smiling to herself a bit as she jokingly typed out ‘pretty sunset, even prettier drawing.’ Before deleting it and retyping before hitting send;

fire sunset. so I take it big bear is treating the bear well so far?

Carmen looked at the message right away, smiling to himself a bit. She’d never called him bear before, something about it made his heart begin to race. 

According to Nat, bear+big bear = depression gone, I’ll let you know in a few days if that's the truth.

He wasn’t sure about the whole equestrian therapy thing still, but he did know that being here seemed to allow him to breathe a little easier- and he was already here, so he would try.

The first 5 days in the inpatient program were…quite the adjustment. That was because it was what he learned was the most intensive part of the treatment, and meant to break down your walls by setting you in a hard routine so you had no choice but to think about your shit. 

This included a wake-up time of 6 am, the lights in his inpatient room literally turned on, then at 7:30 was breakfast, then- at 8 am they had 1 hour of either equestrian class, which you learned how to begin caring for the horses, or an hour of tending to the cows - Carmen chose the Horses because he was not going to shovel cow shit. 

Then, you had a therapy class of your choice from 9-11:30, he chose art therapy. It didn’t feel like therapy to him, they got to draw, or paint. Carmen just sat by the window, drawing different recipes - or, more often than not, drawing Syd from memory. 

12:00 was lunch, 12:30-2:00 you had mandatory either equestrian therapy, or cattle therapy. Carmen was more drawn towards the cattle on hard days, and the horses on easier ones. This was because the hour of 3-4 was mandatory group therapy. That usually emotionally drained him until at least art therapy the following day, since to progress and complete the program- you need ‘participation points’ in your 15 day inpatient stay, before you’re trusted to be on your almost fully on your own for a whole 30 days. 

The horses were usually nervous around new people, so it was a challange to get them to trust him. While the cows, people in the group joked- were ‘giant grass puppies’ the therapy consisted of literally just laying with the lazy cows and cuddling them, and feeding them snacks, which they very much enjoyed, and Carmen found to be very soothing once he learned to douse himself in bug spray before heading in the pen so the flys would be out of his way.

Then, dinner was at 5, and afterwards you had the evening to yourself in your room, or you could walk the trails until they closed at sunset. In your room you could watch tv, read, and the residents were also allowed to have their cellphones.  

It was quite exhausting the first 5 days, but the second 5 he was getting into a groove at Blue Lotus. He was beginning to enjoy the hard manual work that came with working with the animals, and the time it took to build their trust. There was one particular horse Carmen had become fond of, a white horse named Stardust. Perfect name for her. 

When he looked in her eyes she felt more human then most people he met in real life. She was different then the other horses. He’d been told that she rarely took to men, and that he was the only male she’d never need startled by. He always took extra time brushing her mane, and they both seemed to appreciate eachothers silence. 

Carmen heard other people in stalls next to him, they would talk to the horses- dump their issues they were too afraid to tell their therapists out on them. He wondered if the horses ever got annoyed, he probably would if he was a horse. He smiled a bit at the thought, and it was almost as if Stardust could tell what he was thinking, because she turned her head and looked at him before snorting almost in agreement and sticking her head back out of the stall. 

Getting into outpatient life at lotus though, was as easy as falling into bed for Carmen. His inpatient stay, he made sure to take the time in the evenings to learn his favorite quiet trails, the ones less taken usually, so when he graduated to outpatient - he could take stardust for rides on his own.

 It took them about 3 days to get to know each other in that regard, it was mostly Carmen’s fault though he realized, because when he’d get nervous he’d pull on her reigns in such a way that she thought he meant for her to go faster - when it was the opposite. But, Stardust was so, so patient with Carmen. 

He made sure to sneak her extra apples with a small drizzle of honey in return, so she knew her patience with him always came with great reward. 

Carmen had been gone for about a month now, he and Syd would text intermittently, sugar was sure to call once a week and they’d talk for about an hour. But it was mostly quiet from Carmen’s end, he had told them it was because he was usually out, all day long unless he was at therapy. 

It was day 19 of the outpatient part of the program, so he had just 11 days left. He had just finished his morning art therapy, and was in the stables tending to stardust, feeding her slices of pumpkin they’d had in the snack bucket for the horses today. “Come onnn- the tongue, really star” he wipes his wet hand on his jeans and she nudged his shoulder with his nose, asking for more. 

“You are greedy! I’m always the first one in here y’gotta leave some for the rest of these guys!” He grabbed another piece of pumpkin, feeding it to her. 

“And this is our horse stable, he spends a lot of time out here” Carmen heard one of the employees likely giving someone a tour, only half listening. 

Stardust snorts at him, nudging his chest and he rubs her neck gently. “What is it? Y’done? Pumpkin not good enough for ya? No honey apples until after our ride or Y’don’t listen missy” he pats her head gently. 

“I didn’t take you for a horse guy but I guess drop anyone off in the middle of nowhere and you’d be surprised. 34 days and you went full fuckin’ cowboy on me- are those boots, Carm? ” An all too familiar voice said from the large open sliding door of the stable He looked at stardust for a moment, he must be dreaming, or ODing again. Maybe he died, and had been dead the entire time. Because there was no way he could believe Sydney Adamu was standing behind him, 2000 miles away from their shared city, in Big Bear, California.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[fastcardotmp3]

Nancy & Eddie; Nancy & Wayne; 1.4k; post-S1; the melancholy of Christmas; grief/mourning

That night, after Steve goes home and the leftovers are put away and the voices from Mike's walkie talkie murmur through the walls, Nancy creeps past the gleaming tree in the living room and out the front door.

The dark of the sky is gray with the potential for overnight snow and her layers of shirt and sweatshirt and coat and scarf and gloves keep the cold from permeating too quickly, but her cheeks pink over before she reaches the end of the cul-de-sac, let alone her destination.

She shouldn't be out this late. Her mother would hate it if she weren't wine drunk and sleepy enough not to notice, and there's not a good place for Nancy to do what she needs to do, but it's also not an optional thing.

It's not, to her.

There's no grave to visit at the cemetery, because Barb isn't dead to anyone else the way she is to Nancy, but she goes there anyway. Has been. Will continue to.

She's making do, in this and in so many other ways, and so she tries not to feel the utter not enough-ness of the little stack of stones she's built in a lopsided pyramid under a big oak tree with far-stretching branches right at the highest point of the cemetery.

She tries not to think about how she can't add Barb's name to this sham of a grave, can't even call it that when Barb's body is trapped somewhere she can never reach and thus can't bring home either.

Nancy just lowers herself to the cold, hard earth and goes about straightening the pile again, as she always does. She uses them as a barrier this time, a little fenced-in square to hold up the poinsettias she'd stolen from the centerpiece that had sat in the center of their Christmas dinner.

Her hands tremble. She lets them.

Her swallow grows thick. She lets it.

Her tears do not fall. They stay caught in her gut where the rest of her guilt resides, the rest of all her worthless searching, the rest of the hope she never got to mourn for fear of seeming ungrateful for the return of her brother's best friend.

Nancy sits here in front of her makeshift memorial and she does not cry, because there are no tears, and she does not speak, because there are no words, but her heart screams loud enough to shake the town apart.

Her soul wails and laments and begs. She lets it.

She lets it be loud enough that she doesn't hear the footsteps coming up behind her until there's the quiet clear of a throat and question of--

"Hate to bother you, kiddo, but can I bother you a moment?"

Nancy startles, both at the gentle gruffness of the self-contradictory question and the realization that her face is damp with the silent remnants of tears she cannot feel past the numbness of the cold.

"Sor-- Sorry?" she clears her throat as she stumbles quickly to her feet, brushing off her skirt and the thick tights beneath it as she does.

The man behind her isn't someone she knows, which would be a frightening thing if she were in any other mental state than this one, so doused in apathy for her own self that danger doesn't really register.

He wears a warm looking hunting jacket, a thick winter cap with flaps over the ears, and holds a thermos out in front of him.

"S'only, my boy spotted you out in the cold over here," he gestures to Nancy's left where she sees a boy she does recognize, the flit-away of his gaze back to a headstone at his feet all she gets out of Eddie Munson before his arms are crossing over his chest and his shoulders are hiking up around his ears. "Wondered if maybe you couldn't do with some company? Or just somethin' warm to drink?"

He holds the thermos up, this-- this person speaking for Eddie Munson when Nancy has never seen the guy be anything other than outspoken.

The sky is gray in its darkness, a muted sort of black that doesn't allow for stars beyond the heavy clouds.

There's a little pile of stones which are the only remembrance for a girl who deserved so much better than she ever got on the ground behind her.

"You want me to...?"

"We're visitin' his Mama," he says gently, and Nancy understands Eddie's posture better now, that distance away feeling shorter between them. "Anyone out here on Christmas oughtn't be alone, though, don't you think?"

"She didn't run away," Nancy blurts, the sudden need to explain overwhelming any of the kindness being offered to her.

He just nods. Succinct but not dismissive.

"Okay."

"She--" Nancy chokes. She can't tell if her cheeks are still wet. "She didn't run away."

She's not allowed to say it. She's not allowed to talk about it. She can't impart the seriousness of how much Barb didn't leave, didn't go, didn't get far enough away before her time ran out.

But this man, this Munson, he just takes a step closer with the suggestion of an offer with the slightest raise of his arm and Nancy is-- Nancy is hugging him.

She's leaning into the warmth of him, letting him wrap his arm across her shoulders and rub her back with a gloved hand because-- because no one, not a single person, none of them listen when she says it.

Not even the ones who know, not even the boy who loves her, not her own mother who cared more about the fact that Nancy lost her virginity than her best friend.

"I hear ya," he says in a quiet murmur and Nancy believes him. Can hardly breathe past the force of what it feels like to have the words she speaks land softly, with understanding.

"Sorry, sorry," she swipes at her face as she pulls away, and he lets her go without argument, but stays standing there. "Sorry, I know I look hysterical, I just."

A hitching breath. She doesn't hear these footsteps getting closer either, but she feels Eddie's presence in that familiar posture she has gotten to know too well since that first week in November.

She's about to enter a new year, a year with a new number and a new turn of the earth that Barb will never see.

"We're going for pie," Eddie says, even as Nancy wipes her face with the tail of her scarf like a child. "Diner off Walnut's open on Christmas. If you wanna come and be a fuckin' mope with me."

And there's something to it, this undeniable acceptance that Nancy is, in fact, facing the same sort of loss as a boy without a mother, that has her snorting with laughter.

There's something about them, the Munson's with their seeing of her in the most vulnerable state she's allowed herself to express outside the privacy of her shower, that feels like the same sort of relief as the release of pressure that comes along with laughter.

"Do you always pick up strays at the cemetery?" she asks with an attempt at humor, expecting the same dry witted sarcasm in response.

Instead she gets a softening.

Instead she gets this: "I was in band with her," with the lowering of a gaze to a pile of mismatched stones, only to raise back to meet Nancy's with intent, "she made me laugh."

Nancy's chin wobbles. Her lungs too tight in her chest.

She knows then, even before she says it and earns the drape of Eddie's arm around her narrow shoulders, that she'll go with them and eat pie with them and grieve with them.

They'll tell her about the woman they've lost and maybe Nancy will be able to choke out a sentence or two about the girl who raised her only for Nancy to fail her.

They'll eat and she will listen to them because she knows the importance of such a thing and it will hurt.

It will always hurt.

"You said something about pie?" she manages to get out with a hard sniff of her frozen nose.

There is a piece of her lost to a world locked off from the rest of them.

She wonders, tucked into the Munson's pickup truck on a journey in search of pie, whether maybe that's not such an isolated feeling as she thought.

[nellasbookplanet]

Book recs: possession, bodysnatching and bodysharing

Demons, ghosts, aliens, sentient bacteria, artificial intelligences - isn't there something fascinating about the idea of sharing a body with another being like a giant get-along t-shirt? No? Too bad, because I'm going to tell you about books featuring this trope anyway.

A note: multiple of these books are sequels where the bodysnatching/possession aspect plays little to no part in the first book. In all these cases, I still recommend starting with book one. I also in one case chose not to include a certain sequel that I loved as even mentioning it in this context would be a huge spoiler, so, uh, sorry about that.

For more details on the books, continue under the readmore. Titles marked with * are my personal favorites. And as always, feel free to share your own recs in the notes!

If you want more book recs, check out my masterpost of rec lists!

Brain Plague by Joan Slonczewski*

Chrys, a struggling artist, agrees to become a carrier for a sentient strain of microbes. With their help, Chrys breathes new life into her career and becomes a success. But every microbe society is different - some function as friends and brain enhancers to their carrier, while others become a literal brain plague, a living addiction taking over the life of their carrier. And like every society, the microbe community is in constant flux - including the one inside Chrys's head.

Children of Ruin (Children of Time series) by Adrian Tchaikovsky*

Sequel to Children of Time. Millenia and generation spanning scifi. After the collapse of the Earthen empire, a project to terraform various planets and use them to uplift other species to sentience in left unfinished. However, both species and planets continue evolving on their own, and when what remains of humanity flees the dying Earth millenia later, these planets might be their only hope of survival. But the uplifted species aren't the only intelligent life out there, and are far from the most dangerous as the survivors encounter something capable of terraforming the human body itself.

Leech by Hiron Ennes*

Unbeknownst to humanity, a sentient hive mind has taken over the entire medical profession to ensure the health of their host species. One of their doctors is sent off to an isolated location where they’re cut off from the rest of the hive mind, only to realize they’re faced with a rivaling parasitic entity. Leech hands you only just enough information to get by, and whether its historical fantasy, an alternate timeline, or futuristic post apocalypse is hard to determine. It’s spooky and a bit weird and wildly creative.

A Memory Called Empire (Texicalaan duology) by Arkady Martine

Mahit Dzmare is an ambassador sent to the center of the multi-system Teixcalaanli Empire, where she discovers that her predecessor has died. Trying to protect her home, a small independent mining station, from being taken over by the empire, Mahit struggles to find out the truth of her predecessor's death while carrying the voice of his ghost in her head, guiding her as best he can. Features a sapphic relationship but focuses more on world-building than romance.

Ninefox Gambit (Machineries of Empire trilogy) by Yoon Ha Lee*

Military space opera where belief and culture shape the laws of reality, causing all kinds of atrocities as empires do everything in their power to force as many people as possible to conform to their way of life to strengthen their technology and weapons. It’s also very queer, with gay, lesbian and trans major characters, albeit little to no romance. Disgraced Captain Kel Cheris is given a second chance by allying with the undead Commander Shous Jedao, who in life never lost a battle, but also went mad and massacred his own army. Now, Cheris must decide just how far she can trust him, with her forces as well as with her sense of self.

My Heart is Human by Reese Hogan

Nine years ago, all complex technology was made illegal. This complicates life for Joel, young transgender single father, as a bionic just uploaded itself into his brain without consent. Scared of losing his daughter, Joel tries to keep the bionic secret while using it to fix his life, but things quickly get more complicated as the bionic gains more and more control of his body. A bit simplistic in writing style but makes a lot of cool parallels of bodily autonomy to Joel’s experiences as a transman.

Bonus rec: if you like the general concept of struggling for physical control over one’s body with an AI, may I also suggest the (much grittier and gory) movie Upgrade.

The Host by Stehpenie Meyer*

The Host follows Wanderer, an alien part of an invading force on Earth. Humans have been defeated and are being used as host bodies, but Wanderer's host Melanie is being difficult and refuses to fade away. Instead she fills Wanderer's mind with images of Jared, the man she loves and who's still in hiding. With Melanie's feelings bleeding into Wanderer's the two reluctantly ally to find and keep safe the man they both love. While The Host does feature Meyer's trademark romance - of which I'm not the biggest fan - the more interesting and arguably more central relationship is that between Wanderer and her human host.

Needle by Hal Clement

1950s classic. A small island in the pacific ocean and a fourteen-year-old boy have just become the center of an interstellar chase between an alien Hunter and the criminal he’s pursuing. Robert is a regular boy, but he has a very special passenger: an alien symbiont hiding inside his body. The alien became stranded on Earth as he pursued a criminal of his own species, and now they are both trapped on the same island, playing a game of cat and mouse as Robert and the Hunter struggle to find their prey before it finds them.

Malevolent by Harlan Guthrie*

Lovecraftian horror mystery. Private detective Arthur Lester wakes up in his office, his partner dead, memories fuzzy, vision gone, and the voice of a malevolent entity in his mind. Unable to see, Arthur is forced to rely on guidance from the entity as he attempts to solve the mystery of what it is and where it came from. Is this a book? No. But as someone who reads mostly audiobooks, the difference between a book and a fiction podcast is negligible, and also I love this story and its characters and want all of you to do so too.

Goddess of Filth by V. Castro

Novella. What starts as a drunken seance between friends ends with one of them chanting in Nahuatl, the language of their Aztec ancestors. Following that night, the formerly shy Fernanda has changed. While her family calls for priests, claiming her possessed by a demon, Fernanda's friends believe what has taken up residence in her is something decidedly older. A quick read featuring female rage, desire and empowerment, this is a different twist on the typical possession story.

This Alien Shore by C.S. Friedman

Space opera in which humanity found a way to faster than light travel and began establishing colonies all over the galaxy, only to belatedly realize the method of FTL caused irreversible mutations and disabilities and leaving their nascent colonies to die. Much later, many of the colonies have survived and thrived, and one has found a new method of FTL travel, allowing an interconnected space society to grow. However, Earth is on the hunt for their method and is prepared to do anything to steal it. Trapped in the middle of all this and forced on the run is young Jamisia, who is little by little coming to realize that not only might she be the very solution Earth is after, she's also not alone in her own mind and body.

Touch by Claire North*

Kepler should have died long ago, beaten to death in an alley. Instead, a switch happened as Kepler leapt into and took control of the body of the killer. Since then, Kepler has lived in body after body, having gained the ability to inhabit anyone with a touch and stay for anything from a few minutes to an entire lifetime. Kepler cares much for the host bodies, and when one of them is brutally assassinated, Kepler must find the killer, avenge the host's death, and stop it from happening again. You want a fucked up main character with fucked up morals who still genuinely cares for people? Then boy do I have the book for you!

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk

Fantasy romance. Beatrice Clayborn is a sorceress, but if her family gets its way she won't remain so for long. Married women are forbidden from practicing magic, and Beatrice's father is intent on marrying her off to save them from destitution. Beatrice has a different plan: become so powerful a sorceress that she can herself save her father's business and becomes too valuable to marry off. To achieve this, she strikes a bargain with a minor spirit of fortune. In return, the spirit demands to be present in Beatrice's body as she experiences her first kiss... a kiss with a man who might jeopardize all her plans.

Pandemonium by Daryl Gregory

Del Perce's world is almost indistinguishable from ours, the only difference being the presence of possessing entities that can strike with little to no warning. When he was young, Del was possessed by one of these demons, which was eventually exorcised. But now he’s experiencing a resurgence of symptoms, a voice in his head demanding to be freed. To save himself, Del races to find out the truth behind the possessions.

The Thousand Eyes (The Serpent Gates duology) by A.K. Larkwood*

Sequel to The Unspoken Name (please read that first, I promise this duology is very worth it). These books have a lot going on: portals, flying ships, orcs, elves, creepy snake gods, possessions, cults, immortal evil mages who traumatize teens as their hobby, gay and lesbian frenemies, the works. Csorwe, born and raised in a cult and meant as a sacrifice, escapes her intended death with a mage who becomes her mentor. But he has dangerous motives of his own, and Csorwe must decide where her loyalties lie.

A Skinful of Shadows by Frances Hardinge

Young adult, historical. All her life, Makepeace's mother has been teaching her how to defend herself from the possession of ghosts, until one day her guard drops and a wild and fierce spirit slips in. When Makepeace's mother dies and she is sent to live with her father's family, this spirit might be her only defence. Because her family is harboring dark secrets, and they have plans for Makepeace... plans which do not care for her well-being. Unlike most other YA I've read in terms of vibes and plot, A Skinful of Shadows is a unique and intriguing read.

Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson*

Young adult fantasy. Artemisia prefers the dead to the living, and is training to become a Gray Sister, a nun who helps the souls of the deceased pass on to the afterlife rather than remain as dangerous spirits. To defend her convent, Artemisia accepts the help of a dangerous revenant, a powerful spirit which grants her great power but also could possess her the moment her guard is lowered. As evil threatens her homeland, Artemisia and the revenant must find a way to work together.

A Psalm of Storms and Silence by Roseanne A. Brown

Young adult fantasy. Sequel to A Song of Wraiths and Ruin. To save his family, Malik has made a deal with a dangerous spirit with equally dangerous demands - the death of the princess. Meanwhile, princess Karina is seeking her own power, meaning to resurrect her assassinated sister no matter what the prize. As their paths intertwine, the consequences of their pursuits keep getting higher, both for them, their nation, and the entire world.

Grey Sister (Book of the Ancestor trilogy) by Mark Lawrence

Sequel to Red Sister. Fantasy with sci-fi flavor. Nona is being raised to become a killer at the Convent of Sweet Mercy. But dangerous classes aren’t Nona's only problem: her planet is slowly dying, and her own inner demons whisper in her mind. As the sun grows weaker and ice creeps ever closer, Nona and her allies race to save themselves from extinction.

Fifth Quarter (Quarters series) by Tanya Huff*

Sequel to Sing the Four Quarters. Fifth Quarter is only loosely connected to the first book in the series so you could read it as a standalone, however I still recommend starting with Sing the Four Quarters as it is very good. Bannon and Vree are siblings and highly skilled assassins, but they are put to the test when a failed assassination finds them sharing a body, their intended victim having stolen Bannon's. Now, they must choose between remaining loyal to their Empire, or helping their supposed victim find a new body to steal - and he doesn't want just any body, he wants the royal prince.

The Nein Eyes of Lucien by Madeline Roux*

Recommended with the caveat that you're unlikely to get the full experience unless you have also watched Critical Role Campaign 2 (which is quite the time investment, but very worth it). It follows the antagonist Lucien, first owner of the body we know as Mollymauk Tealeaf, both before Lucien lost his body and after he regains it in the ultimate struggle against Mollymauk's old friends, the Mighty Nein.

Bonus AKA I haven't read these yet but they seem really cool

The Scratch Daughters (The Scapegracers trilogy) by H.A. Clarke

Sequel to The Scrapegracers. Sideways Pike used to be able to perform only party tricks, but in finding new friends and starting a coven, the four become powerful witches. But not everyone wants witches around. After having gotten her spectre stolen and losing her ability to perform magic, Sideways is forced to rely on Mr. Scratch, a book demon taking the place of her spectre to keep her alive. Now she must struggle to get her magic back before it’s too late.

Riding the Odds by Lynda K. Scott

Sci-fi romance. Tara Rowan is a spaceship captain with secrets - a past she wants to leave behind, and Zie, an organic symbiote which grants her greater strengths and reflexes. But when sexy Holy Knight Trace Munroe blackmails her in an attempt to rescue a missing princess, Tara's secrets are in danger of being revealed.

What Doesn't Break by Cassandra Khaw

Like The Nine Eyes of Lucien, you're unlikely to get the full experience of What Doesn't Break unless you're also a viewer of Critical Role. It follows the backstory of Laudna, undead sorceress and warlock with the ghostly presence of the necromancer who once murdered her keeping residence in her mind and tugging at her strings.

Every Day (Every Day trilogy) by David Levithan

Every day, A wakes up with a new body and a new life. A has rules on how to deal with this existence - don't get attached, don't get noticed, and don't interfere. But when A finds themself falling in love, all their established rules no longer apply. This one has also been adapted as a movie!

This Body's Not Big Enough for Both of Us by Edgar Cantero

A. and Z. Kimrean are twin siblings and private eyes - they also share the same body, calling themselves A.Z. When someone starts murdering the sons and heirs of a ruthless crime boss, it falls on A.Z. Kimrean to solve the case and find the killer before all out gang war breaks out.

A Madness of Angels (Matthew Swift series) by Kate Griffin

Two years ago, sorcerer Matthew Swift was killed. Today, he woke back up. And he isn't alone in his body... Now, he seeks vengeance not only against the one who killed him, but also against the one who brought him back.

Honorary mentions AKA these didn't really work for me but maybe you guys will like them: Bone Rider by J. Fally, The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu, What's Left of Me by Kat Zhang, Hunter of Demons by Jordan L. Hawk, Odder Still by D.N. Bryn

[flyawaymind]

Waiting on a Miracle

I’m sure someone has probably said this better, but I just re (re re re re re re re re re) watched Encanto and had an epiphany during the song, Waiting on a Miracle.

Everything that Mirabel lists in that song? All those things she “can’t do?”

She does them, one by one, over the course of the movie. Everything she lists, whether it’s some power she wishes she had or something in her life that she wants to change, it all happens. Check it out:

The most obvious part, and what I noticed first, is how she describes the Gifts.

-I can’t move the mountains

-I can’t make the flowers bloom

-I can’t heal what’s broken

-Can’t control the morning rain or a hurricane

The language here is deliberate, and although it’s easy to write it off as lyricism or poetic phrasing for the sake of the song, this is a list of things that are caused or influenced by Mirabel’s actions in the movie. The crack down the center of town causes the mountains to split in two, Isabela’s power reaches its full potential during What Else Can I Do, and at the end of the movie Mirabel plays a big part in healing the rifts in the family. The part about the weather is less obvious, but because Pepa’s mood is tied to her Gift, I’d argue that there were probably some weird weather fluctuations when Mirabel gets Pepa to finally talk about Bruno. Mira also expertly avoids a storm by rephrasing her question about Bruno’s Gift and causes Pepa to hit Camilo with lightning when she bumps into the wall, but those are more situational than results of deliberate actions.

In other parts of the song, Mirabel talks about the things in her life that she wishes would change and things she wants to change about herself.

-I can’t take another night up in my room, waiting on a miracle

-Can’t keep down the unspoken invisible pain

-Always walking alone, always wanting for more

-Like I’m still at that door longing to shine like all of you shine

-Show this family something new

-Who I am inside, so what do I do?

The night after Antonio’s party Mirabel is lying in her room, presumably alone for the first time since Antonio was old enough to be away from Pepa for the night. She can’t sleep, and it isn’t a huge leap to conclude that she’s waiting for something to happen, whether it’s for the cracks to appear again, or for someone in her family to come talk to her, or even for the candle to finally give her a Gift because Antonio got one and maybe the magic was just a little bit delayed. The movie could have ended right there, except then Mirabel gets up. She decides to take action and comes up with a plan, no longer content to just wait for a miracle to change her life.

Everything that happens after that is related to her and her family’s catharsis and self-actualization. She stops pretending she’s ok and indirectly tells her family how hard she’s been trying to earn Alma’s love when she realizes that they’ve all been doing the same thing, and that none of it will ever be enough. Mirabel cries and screams and yells at Alma, stomping her feet and making it very clear that she isn’t content with keeping her pain hidden away. By that point the audience knows that Mirabel isn’t the only one who feels this way. Almost everyone in the family feels like they’ve been walking alone, and everyone wants to shine as bright as they think the others do. This includes Agustin and Felix: “It was easy to feel… un-ceptional.”

When the movie concludes, Mirabel’s the one who brings them all together. She reunites Bruno with their family, shows Alma the effects of her actions, and then brings about changes. She teaches the family a new way to shine, and that they’re brighter when they work together. She’s the one who opens the door, both figuratively and literally, and as she walks up to put the doorknob in place her family tells her that they finally see her as she is.

Mirabel might not have the same kind of magic, but she’s able to do everything that her magical family members can do, and more. Everything she does is laid out in Waiting on a Miracle, presented in such a way that it seems like Mirabel is hoping for something impossible. That’s something the movie teaches us: that people are often more capable than they think they are, and when everyone comes together to work toward a goal, nothing’s actually impossible.

[candyskiez]

a thing I wanna take a moment to appreciate is catra's arc of being there for adora more. because like, yeah. she can be self centered at times. that's the point. thats one of her major character flaws that we see her grow from. that's the point of having a flaw. and I really like how she grows from it.

one of her main issues is how personally she takes everything and how centered everything is on her and adora. when adora leaves the horde, she only sees the war as a conflict between THEM. not between the rebellion and the horde. it's all about her and adora. that focus on taking everything personally is the thing that bites her in the ass so many times. that's what holds her back so hard for so long. she's her own worst enemy in that sense. and in season five, we see her unlearn that. we see her realize, no. seriously. adora never stopped caring about her just because she liked lonnie too. love doesn't work like that.

a thing I wanna point out is I think catra was lying when she said she wasnt doing it for glimmer. we see her look upset at the thought of glimmer being hurt. she cares about her. a lot. the realization of just how serious this is, this isn't just distant harm anymore. she learns to see the bigger picture. she learns to show other people compassion. not just for adora, but for herself. we see her worried about scorpia, about entrapta, even if her focus is still on adora. and she learns! she learns to be healthier about it! to have relationships with people who aren't adora so they aren't dependent on each other! she becomes friends with glimmer and bow, genuinely. she starts working on repairing things with entrapta and scorpia. she makes friends with melog. she forms connections outside of adora, not just for adora's sake, but *for herself.* she learns how to love people healthily. she learns how to look out for herself while also looking out for others.

a thing I really love is her line "I promised her a long time ago I'd look out for her. it's time I made good on that." because it's so huge for her development. she realizes she can't keep running away anymore. her running has an impact on people. her leaving has an impact on people. even if it's easier to think that nobody cares when she disappears, nobody's effected by this. yes, there is. and she's finally realized that. and she's terrified of staying because it feels like she's just inviting disaster by letting her guard down for even a second. they could leave at any time. why give them the chance to?

but maybe they won't. maybe leaving them so they don't leave her hurts them just as bad as her being abandoned. maybe she leaves for no reason. maybe...maybe she has to be better. THATS why her saying she'll stay is so big. "I can't keep doing this. I'm hurting adora by doing this. it's not me protecting myself. its me self destructing and hurting everyone around me in the process. it's not fair to them. adora needs my help, and I need to be there to give it. even if she doesn't survive this, she needs someone to be there when she goes. because knowing her, she's trying to handle this all by herself. I'm going to try and fix this. I can't keep running."

so she goes back. she can't keep running, because that's not fair to adora. and she's there. she's there when adora needs her, when shadow weaver dies, when she's weak and injured, when she's breaking down. she's there. two big things I wanna point out.

• "no, I'm not leaving. whatever happens, I am staying with you."

this. this is HUGE for her arc. she runs away whenever things get hard. that's one of her big flaws. and here she has the strength to stay. to stick with it. she stays even when shit gets bad. because she's finally realized, adora needs her here. she sees her self destruction for what it is. adora is being a self destructive bastard right now and she needs someone here. this isn't adora playing the hero, this is adora having serious issues. and she's there. she's there, because adora needs someone there. and she's finally seen that for what it is.

• she doesn't think her love is requited, yet she tells adora she loves her anyway.

she thinks adora sees her only as a friend. this is big because she's realized. adora needs to realize how much people want her. not when she's she ra, not when she's useful. but as adora. she needs to hear that someone wants her at her lowest. even if they can't save the world, please wake up. please keep going. because I want you in my life, at least for a few more seconds. you didn't make anything worse. you tried your fucking best and I see that and I see you. I love you, even if you don't love me. so please. don't die on me. if this is the end of the world, then let's take it on together. this isnt your fault. you deserve to live. not because you're she ra but because you're adora. because you're brave and a little over dramatic and can't act to save your life and loyal as shit and love with your whole heart and *you* deserve to live. so keep going. please. I love you.

season one catra would die before she admits she cares about someone. here though, she can. because she's realized it matters.

she tells adora she loves her because she sees the bigger picture now. because she understands adora now. what adora desperately needs is to realize shes worth more than a weapon. she deserves the world. she doesn't think adora feels the same but she tells her, because shes realized adora needs to hear that. that even at her worst, adora makes such an impact on peoples lives. not because she's a hero, but because she's adora. because she wants things. because shes her. and she wants ADORA to live. even if she doesn't feel the same. even if things are awkward and tense after this, she wants adora to finally realize that she's wanted. because adora helped her realize that, and she wants adora to realize it too. she's willing to show her all the messy shit inside her head even though it hurts, because she cares about adora more than she cares about hiding. am I making sense? no. but have these disjointed ramblings anyway. live laugh catradora baby.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

So what was the thought process you and @twinanimatronics had for Moon and DJMM being besties?

Like I know that's a huge fanon thing (though i think y'all were one of the early ones) but is it something yall based on game data or character analysis?

Ohhh!!!

A pretty good question.

I think part of it had to do with @factual-fantasy's wonderful au and comics of the DJ being very close buds with Sun and Moon.

But I think there was a bit more to it then that.

I think I just wanted a fanfiction mostly centered around Moon and the DJ's friendship because they're both Security bots and are the only two animatronics in the Pizzaplex that go back to being "mainly chill" after their initial segment. (Moon showing up at every hourly recharge being super easy to avoid outside his initial Daycare Segment and Sun just stays in the slide all other times)

I also remember seeing the headcanon in @paper-lilypie's old comics that Moon had a music box, which was a popular hc, that Ceph and I have actually proved to be canon with our rabid exploring of the Pizzaplex map like its an archeological dig site.

Made me get to thinking if Moon used his music box often, what songs would he use?

Also got me thinking about how the DJ makes up his own songs on rotation to avoid copyright. He's essentially an AI generated song prompt, but far more endearing and self-aware. DJMM makes his own bouncer chase music to capture Gregory and that's pretty endearing to me.

Thought about Moon stealing DJ's songs to use in his music box. (and yes, I know real life music boxes are made with a set song in mind and he can't rotate them unless there are discs in there. But idk. lol don't think about the mechanics of this too hard of how a music box actually works)

Made me think that Moon would like relaxing Lofi beats that the DJ would make for him.

Lofi Beats to Capture Children to was initially planned to be five chapters. Just showing glimpses into the lives of DJMM and Moon interacting, from a more DJ-themed perspective, with the pov changing between Moon and the DJ...

But I kept adding more things into there.

Once I realized Sun had to be a character in this, the perspective strictly stayed with Sun and Moon.

Like an OC that was meant to just be a foil, and die for character development for the Daycare Attendant turned out to be more complex then I thought as he just became a worse version of myself and I wanted to see him get better so I made a spin-off entirely about him.

I realized I wanted to have Vanny in this, because I love Vanessa. I wanted to show the toxic but completely codependent relationship the DCA has with Vanessa. Because... Well, let's face it, Vanessa is a non-character in her own game. Many fans don't love her in the way I do. Even the most hard wired DCA fans don't really have anything to say about Vanny/Vanessa.... and either ignore she exists... or she's a meangirl background character not important to the plot. Despite the fact that Vanny and Moon's relationship is the driving force for so many things that happen in Security Breach. To the point where the Daycare Attendant is literally a thematic parallel to the Vanny/Vannessa relationship... Something I've been screaming about since Security Breach came out and no one listened.... But I was right. To the Point it's explicitly confirmed in Help Wanted 2.

And I also realized that if Sun was going to be a character, I had to establish life for them for a good chunk of it and how fast things go down. I had to determine whether I wanted them to be their separate things, or one person with DID. And ... While I do think that DID is actually canon..... it's something I don't have experience with writing, and I feel that I would end up saying or portraying it offensively. Especially since the DCA already kinda has the "bad alter" archetype in canon. Plus, to coexist with Twins where they get seperated and they're learning to be their own people... It just makes more sense to have a level of miscommunication between the two. So we understand Sun's fear and need for control. (like in canon Sun has no reason to string up fairylights in his dark room... other then just to never have moon switch over and make him uncomfortable. There's no kids in their room to capture. The generators can stay on in the pizzaplex and their room could be dark and the children would be safe. Sun is making it so Moon can't switch at all... and while that is horrible for Moon, it's important to see where that level of distrust and anger and controlling behavior stems from, and why Moon might be afraid of him in twins)

And If I wanted the DJMM to be friends with Moon, I also needed excuses for Moon to go there. I also needed to consider his relationship with the other Glamrocks and animatronics in the pizzaplex. I had to show how isolated Sun was and how much Sun cared for the kids, genuinely.

So the whole thing snowballed and it sometimes becomes intimidating to work on.

I guess long story short... The DJ is cool. And Moon is cool. I love them both and they make a really great non-verbal pair.

I absolutely love Lofi. So thanks for sending this ask. I know I haven't updated in awhile. But you think being unemployed would give me more freetime... lol but I'm mostly depressed and stressed.

[forbidden-salt]

Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if I needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; but you are worth fighting for.

[shortystack75]

Another very niche post about Stars Align / Hoshiai No Sora

This one is in regards to the characters' worldviews and mindset, based on a few very specific factors and things I noticed while rewatching it for the 5th(6th?) time.

Long post so its all under the cut

Random people who know nothing about Stars Align can also read if you want to see a loser 21 yr old lose their mind, I explain everything so you'll only be a little lost

Teirlist graphic to grab your attention and more easily show you:

So as you can see im basing it off of 2 main axis, one with 2 points and one with 3. I'll give a brief little overview of what I mean by each category and then go into why I think each character is in each category. Solitary vs Inclusive refers to how they center themselves in the world, this does NOT mean whether or not they are self centered, it refers to how they view themselves and other people IN the world and whether or not they believe other people can be outside of their mindset, i'll explain more later. "Me vs the World", "Me vs Them" and "Us vs the Them" refers to how the characters view 'sides'. Do I think that character is likely to think of themselves as as singular? than they fall under one of the "Me vs" categories. Do I think the character perceives a specific crowd/type of person to be a 'side' or do I think the character perceives everyone as the opposite side until proven otherwise? that denotes the "vs Them" or "vs The World" part of the mindset I'll start from the bottom up, left to right for anyone who doesn't know the characters or cant remember the names.

Starting with Maki Our main character, I put him as Inclusive "Us vs Them" because of a few key reasons we see throughout the anime. For the Us vs Them mindset, we consistently see Maki being a team player heavily in regards to not only the tennis team, but people he identifies or gets along with. Before he ever gets to know Yuu and before they're part of the club, Maki has already mentally categorized Yuu as part of his "Us/We" the same goes for Mitsue after they get along in class. We can actually see him interact with Mitsue before he categorizes her when he bumps into her. He apologizes and makes sure she's alright because he's a good person, but otherwise is off-footed towards her. She's not a "Them" in his mindset, but she's also not yet "Us/We". The main part of his Them" is of course his father and anyone who goes against his "Us/We" such as the bully Itsuki hit with his racket "He had it coming" Isn't something he would say about just anyone. As for the Inclusive or Solitary part, there is NO shot Maki was ever going to be Solitary. He's inclusive because of what i've already said about how he interacts with Mitsue ^. He doesn't just see the world as "Us vs Them" he knows not everyone is against him and his, and therefore not everyone should immediately raise his guard, it's why he's so casual in the first episode while not being necessarily friends with Toma yet. Toma isn't included in "Us" yet. at the start of ep 1, the only ones in "Us" is Maki himself, his mom, and Shou, but he very easily and relatedly lets his "Us" grow throughout the anime. I didn't even mention Arashi but he's another great example showcasing Maki's mindset.

Rintaro So most of the rest of these guys in this category will have a much shorter section than Maki's, mostly because we see less and I have to explain less. It's pretty easy to see that Rintaro doesn't view himself as an island and does his best for the club and his parents. This is all in his small actions and ease around the tennis club, it's hard to say whether or nor Mitsue or Arashi are included in his "Us/We". Similar to Maki, Rintaro clearly has no guard against people other to him and doesn't believe everyone not in his circle is against him.

Yuu I'll be honest I almost put Yuu into the Solitary space, mostly because of their (rightful)fear, but realized that Yuu hadn't put the club or Maki into the "Them" category immediately. While cautious with Maki upon being approached, they quickly categorize Maki as "Us/We" when he is open and kind to them, and when with the Tennis club nearer to the start, it's clear that they don't think of the club as "Them" OR "Us/We" yet. At the start of the anime, the only people in Yuu's "Us/We" besides themself are Toma and their sisters, but much like Maki, at the end the entire Club and Mitsue is clearly included in their "Us/We"

Taiyo Taiyo is mostly a repeat of things I've said about Rintaro, we don't see very much of Taiyo at all but what we do see I've determined to be in this category, and as 3 other people will probably read this I doubt any of you will fight me on it, but you would be welcome to! Even 5 years in the future.

Onto Shingo As the first and only part of our Solitary "Us vs Them" grouping, he kinda makes this category. While having a similar mindset to our other "Us vs Them"s, he doesn't really see people outside of those two categories. As shown with how he interacts with people outside of the club and his family, other people are kinda the enemy to him. He was slightly(not like Ituki and Tsubasa) antagonistic to Maki when he joined to club but swapped him over to "Us/We" seemingly easily, doing the same to Yuu when they become the club's manager. While he has an Solitary "Us vs Them" mindset, he doesn't come across as overaggro to others because he's not a naturally aggressive person, just loud and protective. As a good example, the two boys who appeared in the club room and started to mess with Yuu, their manager and part of Shingo's "Us/Them". He's he first to intervene and does so easily and calmly, Yuu is part of his "Us/We" and these boys are not, making them "Them" automatically.

Up to Istuki Itsuki is in a really interesting spot as an Inclusive "Me vs Them" By having an inclusive mindset, he knows that not everyone is against him and some people are just chilling. He does not have an "Us/We" mentality but he still has friends and people he cares about, shown how along with Shingo, he steps in when Yuu is being harassed. He does it in a more antagonistic way, calling them names with no remorse. Yuu may not be "Us" because there is only "Me/I" for Itsuki, but these two idiots have still come into Itsuki's space, his club room, and are messing with his club member, his manager. Anything like this becomes personal because he's "Me/I" centric which is why he reacts slightly more aggressively than Shingo. However. He doesn't see these as attacks, just slights, because they were against Yuu, not himself directly. The racket incident, were clearly attacks. When two bullies come up to him and bad talk his homelife, he has no hesitation. He talks back, responds once or twice, these are warnings to back off, to reason. These bullies instantly were painted as "Them" as soon as they opened their stupid mouths but Itsuki would have let them go, but they kept talking, kept insulting, kept attacking him. So he strikes to defend himself, with his racket. He feels no remorse, in his mindset this jerk deserves it(kinda did but the racket was a bit much i agree with Maki). We didn't get to see much else of his mindset throughout the anime except maybe how he feels about Nao's mom ("Them").

Onto Arashi! Starting off our Inclusive "Me vs the World" off strong with our dear walking contradiction! To easily sum up his Inclusive part, he isn't actually antagonistic to anyone unless they've recently slighted him, seen as him snapping at Sunaga(his doubles partner) but soon realizing he was wrong to do so and apologizing. While Arashi is very much "Me vs the World", it's not active in his brain at all times. While everyone is against him in a general sense, he doesn't believe they are constantly against him all the time.

Toma! Most of what I would be saying about him is a repeat of what I said about Arashi^ you could argue he's Solitary "Us vs Them" but I just don't see him like that. From how he talks when at the bbq to his surprise at Maki telling him he's having fun playing tennis with Toma, etc etc he's a very lonely boy surrounded by people he doesn't think are on his side and expects one day to be against him.

Up to Tsubasa!!!!!!! I love analyzing Tsubasa he's like a little angry bug to me. Tsubasa has a solitary "Me vs Them" mindset, which means once he's placed you into the "Them" category he doesn't really let you out of it, and upon meeting you he expects you to prove you're not automatically in the "Them" category. Despite not everyone being in the "Them" category, he does not touch a "We/Us" category with a 10 foot pole. Nobody is on his side and he's afraid his own actions will cause people to choose to be in the "Them" category. He didn't look for help from his mom or brothers when his father pushed him down the stairs, he ran. He ran because he had to get away from the "Them" he found his way to Shingo's house, the closest person to an "Us" he's probably ever had, but freaks out upon Shingo actually seeing him and trys to run. He's not running from Shingo himself, he's running from the prospect of Shingo no longer being a neutral, safe, space for him. He's running from Shingo seeing Tsubasa crying and hurt and seeing any reason to slide into the "Them" category. He doesn't know he's part of Shingo's "Us/We" he can't know that. He's used to testing people and see if they leave or push back, he's used to seeing people either fail or not fail. He's not used to people actually winning.

ONTO NAO!!! If Tsubasa is the bug i study, than Nao is the salamander i begged my dad to keep in a lil fruit cup as a kid. Do i know how to care for him? hell no. Do i want him anyway? yes. Nao's mindset knows no neutrals or positives. Everyone is against him in someway including himself. His mother is actively against him, his father is there and does nothing, possibly making everything worse by being around but not around, therefore his mind has taken neutral presences to also be bad. Nao is all about appeasal, about prevention. If he can appease people he meets before they know him than maybe they will just be passively against him instead of actively against him. He lies to Maki and the others to try and appease them, to tell them what he thinks they want to hear. He lies to his mother, in body and mind, tells her what he thinks she wants to hear and pretends to eat he food she makes while he stares into nothing, likely tasting nothing but ash. Taiyo tries to comfort him? He reacts in a way he thinks Taiyo wants, because to Nao he himself is broken and having other people realize this is dangerous and he wants to minimize it. Most of all he lies to himself. He may not even realize he is doing it, like with the infirmary incident, where he convinced himself he didn't know where Shingo's younger sister was. Because he views everyone as against him, he doesn't get them all laughing it off and forgiving him. To him he's messed up again and shown them a broken part of him. He, like Tsubasa, doesn't understand Shingo on an intrinsic level because to Shingo Nao is part of is "Us/We" and Shingo doesn't see Nao as an enemy, as an outsider.

Mitsue :) Lastly Mitsue, Similarly to Nao but with less delusions and mental illness, she views the world to inherently be against her. Unlike Nao, she isn't against herself(most of the time) Maki and the club are good friends to have for her because she keeps convincing herself they're all stupid and incompitant. Whenever Yuu mentions Mitsue actually thinking of Maki as a friend, she always shuts them down and spouts off something negative, putting on a tough front. In her mind they won't become actively against her as long as she is either useful(helping them spy on Joy) or as someone disconnected.

Anyway, if you're one of the 3 people to have read all of this, feel free to argue any of these i'd love to read or debate about it.

[pluckyredhead]

My Favorite Comics of 2023

Sometimes I think I should review all the comics I read as I read them. Then I realize I read like...40 comics a month and decide to not do that. But I figured I could at least round up my favorite books of 2023!

So as not to bury the lede...

My Favorite Comic of 2023: Green Arrow

Was there ever any question? All I have ever wanted for like 20 years at this point is Arrowfamily shenanigans, and this book has been all about reassembling the gang and letting them romp through the DC universe. This is an Ollie who is overflowing with love and bad ideas, and that's perfect. Every character and relationship has gotten a chance to shine so far, and I can't wait until they bring the girls in. I especially love how clear it is that Roy is Williamson and Izaakse's favorite. ME TOO, GUYS, ME TOO. The fact that this is now an ongoing instead of a limited series is the best gift DC could have given me.

The rest of my faves...

Alan Scott: The Green Lantern: I did not expect to be as moved by this book as I am. The overall plot is a bit hard to follow, but that's not really the point of the comic. What blows me away every issue is how unflinching and occasionally brutal the book is in its portrayal of 1940s-era homophobia, including Alan's internalized self-hatred, and yet how simultaneously incredibly kind the book is. The love and validation, especially in #2 and #3, is so generous and beautiful. Also, it's the best and most beautiful I've ever see Cian Tormey's art look - he gives everything such a hazy, heartbreaking softness here. Please read this book.

Batman/Superman: World's Finest: This continues to be one of the most enjoyable books DC is putting out right now. Mora is one of those artists, like Doc Shaner, who draws the DC universe exactly 100% the way it looks in my hindbrain, and Waid is absolutely in his sweet spot of classic heroes, Silver Age lore, and extremely comic book-y adventure. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing that thing she does with colors that taps directly into the happiness center of my brain - they are so rich and sunny and joyful.

Birds of Prey: I love everything Kelly Thompson writes and I'm so glad we finally have her at DC. She is the absolute perfect writer for this book, too - she gives such good superheroine. The banter! The action! The way she mixes and matches her cast in such fun combinations! Leonardo Romero's layouts are so kinetic and fun, and Jordie Bellaire's colors, YOU GUYS, JORDIE BELLAIRE'S FUNKY SEVENTIES COLORS! I can hear the soundtrack of this book. Love love love.

The Flash: To be clear, I mean the Jeremy Adams run that ended earlier this year with #800. I will forever be salty that DC canceled this delightful book, which was all of the action and humor and heart and love of continuity that I crave in comics, in favor of the so far completely mid Spurrier series. RIP Adams run, you were too good for this world.

Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville: This book got off to a slightly slow start, in my opinion, but every issue just gets better and better. It is so funny, and I want Natacha Bustos to design every outfit I ever wear for the rest of my life. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing the color thing here, too! I want to live in her world.

Poison Ivy: I trust G. Willow Wilson with my life. This is such a good, complex, nuanced take on Ivy. (Also messy and poly and queer.) I have no idea where this story is going but I'm on this ride 'til the end.

And finally...

Favorite Backlist Title: Starman (1994): You guys. YOU GUYS. I mainlined all 80 issues of this series this year at an absolutely blistering pace because I did not want to stop reading it for even a single second. It's everything I love about comics: truly serialized storytelling with a huge cast and lots of intertwining subplots, tons of twists and foreshadowing that pay off in immensely satisfying ways, a deep dive into continuity that's still accessible to people who know almost nothing about Starman (me), a love letter to a fictionopolis, and one funky little dude trying his best at the center of it. I am BEGGING you to read Starman. Please.

[justplainwhump]

Stairs

Blanca doesn't like elevators.

[Pet Safety Masterlist]

Content / warning: BBU, caretaker is in fact the new master, implied claustrophobia, short flashes of self deprecation (BBU Romantic).

Adrian's home was a decent little apartment, a sublet from an university lecturer who'd left to teach abroad for a while. Sixth floor in a high rise in one of the better areas of town, overlooking the harbour. One living room, one bedroom, small kitchen. It had come fully furnished; his landlady kept shelves full of books and vinyl records in the apartment, and tastefully curated local art on the walls.

Nice, unassuming, revealing absolutely nothing about its inhabitant.

Perfect place for him.

Perfect place for a single.

He'd thought about it in the supermarket, when he'd bought not only the tortilla chips and cheese and the rest of tonight's dinner, but also a foldable mattress and some other small amenities. He'd thought about a place to sleep, hygiene articles, about food and clothes and all these practical things.

What he hadn't thought about, he realized, were the stares from others. Strangers in the car park. Neighbors leaving the building. The doorman, staring so hard between the pet's collar and her chest that his mouth just stayed open.

What he also hadn't thought about was that the pet would suddenly stand shock still in the center of the lobby and not move at all.

People were still staring.

"Come on," Adrian said as lightly as he could under the scrutinising gazes, and pressed the elevator button again. "Almost there. Then we'll have dinner."

She didn't even seem to have heard him. Her eyes weren't on him, but on the opening doors of the elevator.

The doorman seemed to have found his voice. "Is that... a box babe?"

Adrian hated the word, the term itself, everything it meant, figurative and literal.

"She's my guest," he said harshly. "That's enough for you to know."

"Will she live here? Do you have insurance?"

"I..." Adrian looked from the doorman to her, still frozen, the only movement the panicked flickering of her over visible eye following the elevator doors as he held them open.

Box babe. Box. Her reaction was just like the one before.

"She does," Adrian snapped to the doorman. Truth was, he didn't know. But he figured his employer had taken care of this. He'd find out. It wasn't his biggest concern right now. "Now, would you stop staring and instead do your job and bring up my bags? Just leave them in front of my door. We'll be taking the stairs."

The doorman muttered something under his breath, before he managed to tear his gaze from her and step over to the elevator, picking up the shopping bags.

Adrian stepped towards the pet - they needed to find a name, she deserved one. "Hey," he said quietly, doing his best to shield the view from her. "I'm sorry. I... I promised you, right? You don't go in any box."

She trembled, gaze going through him, still flurrying, even though he'd heard the doors close for good.

Her lips moved, but no words came out.

Adrian reached out and pulled her into an embrace. She took to it like dried plant to water, opening herself up to him, face pressed into his chest. Warm tears soaked into his shirt. "Not... not the box," she murmured. "Please, Sir, not the box."

"No," he whispered into her hair, hand rubbing her shoulders. "No. Of course not. We take the stairs. And then I'll treat you to these Nachos, okay? Is that okay? Can you take the stairs?"

He felt her nod against him, still trembling. He stifled the urge to pull her in closer, to press a kiss onto the top of her head. "It's alright," he said instead, and loosened his grip, while he turned slightly aside to change her line of sight. "You're doing so good."

She sucked in a breath before she nodded shortly, and then looked up at him. The smile on her lips was radiant, carefree, only the red rims around her eyes betraying her tears. "Oh, thank you," she replied with a soft cock of her head. "I want to be good for you." She reached out and before he could react her fingers intertwined with his. "Just show me how."

He looked her down. Underneath the fake joy, her muscles were tense, her back unnaturally straight. Her ribs were still healing. He couldn't possibly make her climb up the stairs to the sixth floor.

He guided her into the stairwell. At least there were no prying eyes here.

She looked up at him quizzically, when he stopped there and sized her up again.

"What are you up to, Adrian Delgado? I don't mind doing it anywhere."

"Not doing it," he reminded her. "Let's just get you home in one piece, alright?" He frowned. "May I pick you up?"

"I'm yours," she reminded him in return, with the patient voice of a kindergarten teacher. "You may do anything to me. Except..." She tilted her head with a smirk. "Except of course the things that will make a pet safety inspector sweep in and steal me. But you know these rules better than I do, don't you, Adrian Delgado?"

"I do," he admitted. He didn't try to hide his smile. "I like it when you say my name, you know? It's nicer than Sir."

"You're both," she said. "You're my new Sir, who owns me. And you're Adrian Delgado, who has a patient smile and who saved my life. Both of them are allowed to pick me up."

"Are there..." He frowned. "Are there two versions of you as well?"

She shook her head with a mischievous smile. "Of course not. I'm a pet, Sir. I'm not made to be complex."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're lying."

"Lying, and a needy little slut. That is what I'm made for." With a careless half shrug, she grabbed the railing and leaned back, looking up at the floors over them. He didn't even know what it was they taught them, the way her back arched, or how she teasingly stretched her legs, but the movement was eerily sensual. "Do you want to carry me?"

"Yes."

"Mh." She beamed at him. "I would like that, Adrian Delgado."

He couldn't help but smile back. This time, he didn't doubt it.

---

-

Tag list: @gottawhump @flowersarefreetherapy @whumplr-reader @highwaywhump @tauntedoctopuses @pigeonwhumps @whumppsychology @labgrowndemon

[nualaofthefaerie]

Who am I, and why I'll always show where Nuala is mentioned?

So hello guys.

I came to the realization that a lot of people on Tumblr do not know me, and I came kind of suddenly to you guys. So, allow me to tell you who I am and why I hope to become a big part of your "Sandman" experience. I will attach some pictures for references 🩷🪷

My name is Li. My main platform is Twitter. Most of my friends are there too. I hope I can make a lot of mutuals here, too. I came across "The Sandman" one year ago. Now, the Sandman is a wonderful piece of media for people to explore a plethora of dynamics they enjoy. For me, it was a bit of an adjustment.

Before reading the comic, I tried to stan Dreamling. However, for me personally, I very rarely enjoy dynamics with no women in them. That is, of course, me personally. I am not the one who should tell people what they should enjoy. Bi/Pan WLM and WLW, those are dynamics I truly enjoy. However, at the time, I was trying to fit in with what was popular. Truly, it didn't make me very happy because I just don't see it the way Dreamling shippers see it.

So I tried changing my angle. I tried to get into Calliope and Morpheus (I apologise, I do not know if they have their own little ship name). This one fitter me a bit better. However, I have personal issues with the concept of divorce, and I could never quite brush aside the fact that at the end... they were divorced. I even made a Calliope cosplay at the time and met Tom (loveliest person on Earth).

(I envisioned this ballerina Calliope cosplay, and for the most part, I made it work. This was my VERY first attempt at anything.)

He kind of convinced me to just read through the comics. And I did. And it all really fell into place. And Nuala of the Faerie became my spark. I want to make it clear that I love Nuala so much more and so BEYOND Sandflower. She is just so exceptional, so complex. I became SO excited to explore what the Internet could offer on her only to get...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Whatever little official art there was (three-five drawings and it was usually not even Nuala centered, she was just there) and two three pen drawings on DivienArt made in 2010.

Now, one thing about me is that I am persistent as all hell. And it is completely out of line that Thessaly is a "main character," but Nuala isn't. So, in January, I had a very "If no one is going to do it, I will" moment. I began talking about her every day. Analysing, sharing panels, commissioning artists (uni student making commissions, I was kinda of crazy for that one. I made one commission once and then had 20 bucks left for the week to buy food) and every minute since January until today, I do it all for her. Because she deserves to be recognized. Nuala is no less than Lucien/ne or the Corinthian. I have an ask sitting in my inbox that I simply don't know how to answer:

"Why do you think "x" is more popular than Nuala?"

I do not know, to be honest. Frankly, I also try not to care. Because my love for Nuala is not based on bringing other characters of the Sandman down. I do this to uplift her to a status where one day, I won't be the only person on the Nuala tag (I was SO happy the other day when like five new people had made art, SO happy) and not the only one on the Sandflower tag (that is ONLY me for now). And until then, I will be the only one. It's okay. And when I no longer have to be, I will sit back and enjoy the fruits of my hard work.

This may appear very self-centered to those who do not know me, but those who do will tell you I work day and night for her. I have a 70k Sandflower fic, 50k of which is only its first arc, just sitting in my google Docs. I have sketches upon sketches. I talk with artists about more commissions and how to make it so she gets a new outreach. I have conversations and try to introduce her to as many people as possible until they notice her and care for her at least a fraction of how much I do. She inspired me to try sewing and really get to cosplay a SOLID version of her (still working on that).

(I sewed most of the outfit and and it was my second attempt to do anything from scratch. I'll get better at it 🪷🌿🩷)

I like to think she would love it. She only ever longed to be loved. And I love my girl.

So much. We help each other every day. We exist together. And when her actress joins our little triangle, we will make the perfect fairy. The perfect personification of womanhood the way I see it.

My Nuala (Lala, Lali, Lalita, flower, the pearl, sun, if I missed any of my moots nicknames for her, hit me up).

So that's it, dear Tumblr. I am afraid you won't be able to mention Nuala of the Faerie without me because somewhere in May, we started co-existing.

And we are not going anywhere.

Love,

Li and Nuala 🪷🌿🩷

[alfiely-art]

Okay so I think this is how my voting is going to go next Trial? Unless huge stuff is revealed/happens

Haruka - Innocent

Haruka's expressed that he regrets what he did and feels horrible about it- he knows what he did was bad, and he wants to be better. He just needs the proper environment to heal.

Yuno - Innocent

She did nothing wrong. Like unless they suddenly decide she did infanticide instead of abortion, there's absolutely no question about it that she doesn't deserve to be in Milgram?? Sorry Yuno I don't see you as a innocent girl who can't do anything wrong, you just. Did not do anything wrong here.

Fuuta - Innocent

Now that he's realized that, yeah, doxxing people and witch hunting them is wrong and hurts people, I don't think he'd do it again. I mean, in trial 1 I think he was already sorta horrified by what happened, but trying not to claim responsibility- because that's a horrid thing to think about. "My actions killed someone." That's scary. But he's accepted it, and I think he's going to work on himself and be better.

Muu - Innocent

I know she was an asshole and bullied others. However, I'm a firm believer that NOBODY deserves to be bullied. I think everybody in the situation just majory sucked ass. And she's clearly horrified by what she did, she's just putting on different personas to cope with it. Get this girl some therapy.

Shido - Guilty

So, from my understanding, Shido convinced families that their loved ones were beyond saving, and then he killed them and harvested their organs? Very shitty to me. Once the trials are over I really don't think this guy will remain innocent. I know he was very suicidal in the beginning, but it read more to me that he was upset what he was doing didn't work out- that his wife is dead anyways. Idk.

Mahiru - Guilty

100% Guilty. I really can't understand Mahiru Inno Voters- Mahiru is an incredibly selfish and self-centered person, and it killed her lover. In trial 1 she's just singing about her needs in a relationship, about how she knows how to love better than her partner did. In trial 2 there is quite literally a line that goes "my emotions are out of control? I don't care!" Mahiru WILL hurt others and refuse to change herself over and over again. She doesn't even seem remorseful about her dead boyfriend. Like. She lowkey flirts with Es upon meeting them. Mahiru is just looking for someone else to hurt. She doesn't seem to understand that it isn't wrong to want to love and to be loved, but what's wrong is ignoring your partners needs for your own and making every part of the relationship about you. Also, I think she may have forced herself on him based on that scene where she does grabby hands and pounces, making the feathers scatter everywhere (like its what broke her boyfriend).

Kazui - Innocent

Kazui tried, he tried so hard to love his wife the "correct" way. Whether he's gay or alloaro, Kazui DID care about his wife and didn't want to hurt her. He couldn't keep lying to her and himself anymore. But the truth killed her, and Kazui feels so fricken?? Awful over it??? They were work friends before they got together, he clearly liked her. Just not romantically. He's struggling between whether lying eternally is the better choice, or if being truthful to himself and everyone else is the better choice. The truth killed his wife, but the lies were slowly killing him. Idk man, I've been in the same situation (nobody died though) and it's so hard to tell the truth about your identity.

Amane - Guilty(?)

Purge March is gonna help me decide, I think. I don't think Amane should've been voted guilty last trial- it, uh, clearly didn't have the affect we wanted it to have. But also, she's so far gone in her cult's beliefs that... I don't think either vote will shake that. I love Amane, she's a wonderful character, but Milgram won't help her. She would need YEARS of therapy and a safe, stable environment, and patient people, to help her heal. A Guilty vote won't help her. An Innocent vote won't help her. So Purge March is just gonna help me decide what to vote- because I highly doubt we can get EVERYONE in the community to refrain from voting. I'm leaning towards Guilty, though.

Mikoto - Guilty(?)

Okay this depends on who actually committed the crime. I believe that Mikoto himself did it, and his alters are trying to protect him and take the blame for the crime. In that case, my boy is guilty (sorry Mikoto). But if Milgram goes the "killer alter" route, then he's innocent. You can't really control what your alters do, yk? I might vote him innocent depending on the circumstances of his crime, too- it all depends. I'm hoping Double sheds more light on what's going on with my guy. (Btw he's my favorite character I'm so pumped to see what happens)

Kotoko - Guilty

I'm gonna be transparent here, i dont know Kotoko's character very well. So keep that in mind. Anyways. Her first trial song was very cool and its great she stopped a predator. I am not disagreeing with that. I do recognize that she probably felt forced to take on this vigilante role- that the law failed her and many others. However... we don't know who exactly she sees as "guilty". Obviously, she sees the prisoners voted "guilty" as guilty, but what about outside of Milgram? Does she just punish those breaking the law? Those she personally disagrees with? I think it's dangerous for her to do that. I think she's Guilty currently, but I'll have to see how her song goes- it may give me more insight on her thoughts and ideals.

[hanasnx]

❝𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠❞

anakin skywalker x fem!oc

2nd person pov version: link

summary: seeing her cozied up with general skywalker caused the clones to talk about what they’d do to her if she were theirs. anakin stands by and listens, smug that he’s allowed to do anything he wants to her, and his battalion can only fantasize about it.

MINORS DNI 18+

character(s): tcw!anakin skywalker, anatares (oc)

pov: 3rd person

word count: 4k

notes:

there are two versions of this fic! one in 2nd pov and this one in 3rd. i wrote both cos i know ppl have preferences

i do not condone the behavior shown by the characters i wrote, this is purely a fictional writing about something that is morally wrong in irl but hot for my own self indulgent purposes, do not allow real ppl to treat you this way without ur consent lmao. also i had to make up clone names bcos i didn’t want to use any existing clone names and risk mischaracterization

specifically written for the clone wars' characterization of anakin.

warnings: please read

dead dove do not eat, established fwb relationship, lowkey clone slander, clones speaking about a woman sexually that theyre not involved with sexually, lowkey unedited, anakin skywalker having a filthy mouth with his clones, dirty foul mouthed vile delicious “locker room talk” towards love interest, clones bet whether or not general skywalker bangs love interest, ooc anakin, ooc clones, speaking explicitly and sexually about someone behind their back, also explicit content if that wasn’t already clear

“I’ve got something for you,”

Anatares had come here to exercise, but all she had done so far was play on her holo-tablet to find the right music for the occasion for ten minutes. She looked up at the sound of the voice, straightening her back when she realized who it was.

“General Skywalker,” she addressed him properly, since they were in public. From his attire, she guessed he was fitting this visit in between meetings. With a wave of his hand and a soft smile, he dismissed the title.

“Look,” His hand came out from behind his back, a long, wide blade revealed. “Don’t have much time, but this,” he lifted it into to eyeline, twirling it by its hilt in his grip, the overhead lights glinting off of it. “is a vibroblade.” He met her gaze, brow raised, proud of himself for acquiring it.

“It’s for me?” she asked, setting her tablet aside to stand, approaching him. He hummed in confirmation. For safety, he downturned the blade, handing it to her by the hilt. It was a fine sword, but she was confused, knitting her eyebrows together as she tested the weight of it in her hand. She glanced between him and the weapon questioningly. “Thanks, but I don’t usually… use stuff like this. Knives are more my speed this feels very…” she raised the sword, in a way she thought a pirate would, “‘swashbuckle-y.’” she dropped her arm. Anakin scoffed.

“You’ve been here a while, and we’ve run into plenty of siths by now. Figured it was high time to get you something to defend yourself with in close quarters.” He pointed a finger onto the weapon as he explained, “Watch,” His large hand came to fix atop hers on the hilt, and she inhaled. Her reaction went unnoticed as he brought his saber over, igniting it. The blades of both met each other, and Ana witnessed how the lightsaber didn’t cut through the vibroblade. “If things get hairy, and there’s no escape, you’ve got a backup plan.” They were hard to come across, Anakin was lucky to have this one, and he was relieved to be able to give it to Ana, smiling down at her expectantly for her answer.

Ana broke out of her impressed stupor. It was a thoughtful gift. The fact that she was untrained with a sword of this size arrested her from expressing her full gratitude. That, and the warmth of his hand was still on hers.

This fitness center was made out of a repurposed hangar so it was cavernous, with expansive floor space. It had the usual: weights, punching bags, a closed off shooting range, etc. There was a lot of unused area, and spare supplies would often be dropped off. A ways away, a few clones had escorted boxes of dry rations on a hoverboard, unloading it here until it was time to relocate it if there was room in the mess hall kitchen. Ko, a clone officer, sat a box down, before taking notice of a familiar head of hair across the room. “Hey, men,” he said through a grin, “is that General Skywalker over there with Anatares?” His comment caught the attentions of his fellow soldiers, halting what they were doing to spy.

“Ha! Skywalker,” Dice laughed, assumptions forming as to what their General was up to, “You don’t think he’s trying to butter her up, do you?”

“C’mon, guys,” Stringbean huffed, “I wanna get this over with.”

“Look, ‘Bean, they’re basically holding hands.” Copper pointed out, leaning against the cargo behind him and lulling his head in Stringbean’s direction. “Who’s gonna win the bet if we don’t pay attention?”

“Maybe making a bet about whether or not General Skywalker— a Jedi— is trying to get close to Anatares—“

“Ah, ah, ah!” Dice wagged his finger at Stringbean, correcting him, “Whether or not they fuck, ‘Bean.”

“Well, how are we supposed to tell?”

“By watching.” Ko hissed, warning them to hush up and pay attention to the pair over on the sparring mat.

Anatares bit her lip, meeting Anakin’s gaze who was unfaltering in his eye and physical contact. “I don’t know how to use a sword.” she admitted, her tone coming out meaner than she meant to, saying it like it should be obvious to him.

Anakin didn’t seem to notice it, “Here,” instead rounding her body to stand behind her. “I’ll show you.” Directing both of her hands onto the hilt, replacing both of his hands atop hers. He was such a wide shouldered man. That, and by doing this he curled and enveloped her almost completely. She swallowed thickly, letting him move her. There was no way that she didn’t note how strong he felt, how tall and toned with thick muscle he was. His rigid chest against her back, his flexed arms pressing into hers, his chin hovering over her shoulder, cheek against her hair— she felt dizzy with excitement. No doubt she’d ask for his help in relief later when it was time for ‘lights out’. She had a sneaking suspicion he knew exactly what he was doing to her.

He changed her positioning effortlessly, angling the blade to the imaginary opponent, “You’ll block like this. Center yourself,” Impossible to center herself without thinking about shoving his cock into her center over and over— “When you attack, you’ll come down like this,” He raised their arms, bringing the sword down slowly, with purpose. When he stepped forward, his hips pressed into hers, and she stepped forward, not before feeling something familiar and half hard poking into her. A tingle traveled down her spine and she smirked. “If you can afford leaving yourself open, you can thrust,” Another step forward, and he shoved the blade into the air in front of them. Anatares hadn’t been listening at all— mind occupied with General Skywalker’s perfect body pressed up against hers, fitting together like puzzle pieces— but she perked up when he mentioned thrusting. She can very much afford to leave herself open right now, if only he had the time to properly reintroduce himself to the space between her legs. Overwhelmed, a deep blush bloomed onto her cheeks and ears.

A mischievous smile stretched out onto Copper’s lips, “Mates, is it just me or she turning red with ol’ Skywalker over there?”

Stringbean, forgetting his past protests at the notion he could be losing the bet, leaned forward, “No way,”

Dice rubbed his chin with his hand, “That she is, Copp, this is too good.”

“I’ve never seen her blush before,” Copper muttered, unable to deduce if it meant the General was making her uncomfortable, or she was attracted. She wasn’t pulling away at all.

“Oh, to be in his position,” Ko chuckled, the General had to be enjoying himself. Any of them would if they switched places.

Anatares cocked her head to look at Anakin, who’s gaze lingered on hers. He stepped away, his warmth leaving her when he detached, clearing his throat. “I’ll be sure to give you more formal lessons on it another time.” She hoped he would, turning to face him with a hand on her hip. “Obi Wan and I have already agreed to switch off sparring you. You should get experience with different fighting styles.” Beginning to walk backwards off the mat, “It won’t be easy! We’re gonna fight dirty, like a sith would. Okay? I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you around,” he said, pointing to her, voice growing in volume as he furthered from her.

Ana nodded at him with a knowing grin, shaking her head from his ramble. “Bye, bye, Skywalker,” She gave him a flirty wave as he dismissed himself. He faced forward, and the spying clones pretended to be busy.

“Officers,” Anakin nodded at them in acknowledgment as he walked past, “I’ll see you guys later for deployment?”

Ko nodded back, saluting, “‘Course, General.”

Dice managed to slow Anakin’s stride, unloading the last bit of cargo and leaning his hand on it, “Oi, Skywalker, I saw you getting all up close and personal with Anatares over there. Seemed cozy.” It was his special interest in poking at things his fellow soldiers thought it best to leave alone. Especially because they didn’t want their commanding officer to know they’d been spying on him.

Anakin didn’t think anything of it, expecting observation in a public area, especially when Anatares was involved. “Just showing her some moves, that’s all.” he answered innocently, moving on to get ready for his next mission.

The men’s heads followed him as he scampered off. This was all too fishy. Copper hummed lowly, “Oh, he showed her a couple of moves, alright.” Stringbean hit his shoulder with the back of his hand playfully.

“We don’t know that yet.”

Ko scoffed, “He’s trying to move in on her.” He was certain.

None of them knew he had already moved in on her, countless times.

Their deployment was within the hour. Tasked with bringing aid to a neutral planet in order to secure their alliance with the Republic. The troops expected a resistance from the opposers, which didn’t bode well for their moods. There always was a hill to climb in order to reach victory, it was the hill that proved fatal for some. The clone troops were prepared to lay down their life for their cause, but they preferred not to focus on the possible tragedy awaiting them. Instead, they sought distractions. Distractions that made them feel normal, like there wasn’t a war occurring, that they weren’t waddling in the trenches of it.

This squad (who affectionately referred to themselves as the “Groundhog” squadron) swapped stories, knowing this would be a long ride in a shuttle, having entered the atmosphere of the planet. Their helmets in their hands or underneath their arms, seemingly reminding everyone how human they were. The conversation served its purpose, taking the men’s weight off. Anakin leaned onto the wall of the shuttle, eyes closed as he attempted a crude form of meditation. Jokes were cracked when they got onto the subject of what they’d do after the war, but nobody pointed out it was wishful thinking. Having a lover, or a wife, was a common fantasy amongst the group.

Stringbean hops up to sit on some armory cargo, resting his blaster on safety beside him. “Maker to think…” he voices his thought aloud, picking up his leg so he can rest his elbow on his knee, shaking his head with a soft smile. “Having a plot of land to myself. A family. That’d be the life.”

Copper piped up, “I don’t even care about the family part, ‘Bean, sign me up for a wife.” It makes the other clones chuckle with him.

“Ah, a wife…” Ko sighed in content from the idea, fixing his back against the cargo and resting his head back. “… beautiful woman, got a good head on her shoulders, capable, resilient. Sharing a home with her would be the dream.” Imagining it, his fantasized wife, and Anatares’ face surfaced in his mind. It didn’t necessarily surprise him. Visualizing her offer him a meat pie she prepared for him was doing something to him.

Dice snickered, “It’s been a while since you troops’ve been laid.” Anakin smirked to himself. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping but he couldn’t help it when he felt so proud to have gotten some this morning. The officers didn’t take notice, continuing their conversation. Dice copied Stringbean, jumping up onto a box to sit, but crossed his arms. “Hell,” he scoffed, “it’s been a while since I’ve gotten laid,”

“Well there’s slim pickin’s in our line of work, Dice, don’t go feelin’ sorry for yourself.” Copper patted him firmly on the shoulder, and Dice nodded knowingly, elbowing him back.

“Let’s see,” Ko started counting on his fingers, “there’s a bunch of Jedi,”

“Bunch’a prudes, more like. No offense, General,” Dice chimed in. Anakin waved his hand dismissively, downturning his lips, knowing he was probably the only one in this battalion getting any tail.

“None taken,” The Jedi insisted, without breaking his meditation.

“But it’s not like we’re not a ‘bunch’a prudes’ ourselves,” Stringbean interjected, outstretching his hands in a defensive gesture, and it earns him a laugh from the squad.

“I hear that.”

Anakin shook his head with a smile, unable to steel himself from listening in.

“Alright, so we’ve got the prudish Jedi, our fellow Clone brothers, and…” A smirk stretched out onto Copper’s lips as he finished the sentence Stringbean started, “Anatares,”

A chorus sounded of groans, chuckles, sighs, filthy comments amongst the troop… She was a popular subject revisited yet again by the squadron. Anakin peeked open an eye, observing his soldiers’ reactions to his informant-turned-commander, who begs for his cock almost every night.

“Don’t get me started on Anatares,”

“The things I’d let her do to me,”

“Oh, the things I’d do to her if she’d let me,” A clone responded with a dark snicker.

“It’s like she doesn’t even know she drives me crazy.”

“Oi, you’re not the only one, mate.”

Anakin closed his eye before someone caught him spying. It was best to stay as far removed as possible.

“Stringbean, go back to that farm fantasy of yours.” The men wanted to hear it again, and Stringbean added a revision.

“Like I said, just a plot of land to myself.” ‘Bean gazed at the ceiling, visualizing his regaled tale in his mind’s eye. “Anatares as my spoil of war,” These touch starved army men exhaling at the wording made Anakin scoff silently through his nose. War deranged men, showed their true, darker selves, and the Jedi witnessed it firsthand. Experienced it himself. The urge to step in rose in Anakin’s chest, but he denied it. He wanted to hear what these depraved creatures really thought of his lover. As if imagining it themselves, the boys followed Stringbean’s example and looked to the ceiling. “We’ve got two kids: a boy and a girl. Ana and I share yard work, and at the end of the day, cook dinner together—“

“Oi, get to the good part!” Dice jeered, and some men snickered.

“Okay, okay,” Stringbean grins sheepishly, motioning with his hands to settle down. It seemed his fantasy was seeping into Anakin as well. “After dinner— kids asleep— we start cleaning up. She’s doing dishes, I’m clearing the table. I get a look of her in that apron,” Some guys suck in a breath. Anakin cocked his head, furrowed his brows, and exhaled through his pursed lips at the image of Ana in a little apron and nothing else. “Can’t help myself. Come up behind her, start fondling her. Then I nail her on the kitchen table.”

“Stringbean, you dog!” A clone shouted, and the troopers began weakly beating on him, tossing their helmets at ‘Bean while he grinned and flinched, knowing he deserved it. Being the first one to spell out a dirty fantasy meant facing certain scrutiny.

Once they had settled down, Copper wanted to share, outstretching his arms to gesture the men to quiet. “Alright, alright, that reminds me, lads.” he introduced, dropping his arms once he’d gotten everyone’s attention. “There was one day I got ahead of myself in training, Anatares was there. Picked me up, dusted me off, brought me down to the medical bay. That night?” He raised a brow, cupping his chin in his hand, “I had the filthiest dream about her.” Being watched with bated breaths, he wasn’t sure if he should even tell this story.

“Well, don’t keep us in suspense.” A clone told him incredulously, but it was all in good fun.

Copper went on, “I dreamt she snuck into my room, told me she couldn’t stay away from me. She couldn’t keep her hands to herself, kept palming me through my pants.”

Anakin recalled an exact moment when she told him the same thing, did the same thing to him when he was recovering in the medical bay. He knit his eyebrows together, biting his lip to keep from saying anything.

“Got excited. She took care of me, sucked on me a bit, mounted and rode me ‘til I had nothing left. Fat tits bouncing. I’m surprised I contained myself while I was sleepin’.” Copper finished, leaning his elbow against the cargo.

Dice dissolved into laughter, pointing to Copper and looking amongst the group, “Mate says he’s surprised he didn’t jizz himself like a teenager,” The group followed Dice’s suit, laughing, including Copper.

Anakin felt himself perspire because he was stuck on the imagery of “Ana’s fat tits bouncing”. He swallowed thickly.

“Oi, the body on that broad, eh?” Dice reminisced, “Went to the fitness center and she was there. Had on a little bra, barely strapped in that chest of hers,” He cupped the air around his chest comically, he bounced his hands, causing a few snickers. “She didn’t notice me practically drooling like a hound. She’s glistening with sweat. Hair sticking to her forehead and neck. She’s jumping rope and I can’t tear my eyes away… the tightest yoga pants I’ve ever seen, if she bent over bet I could see her pretty little hole. The woman’s gotta know what she’s doing to us,”

Anakin, like the rest of these sleazy soldiers, was visualizing the whole damn thing. Except he knows he tore apart those yoga pants as soon as he saw her bent over in front of him. Of course she was pissed at him for it, but knowing now all these filthy perverts were waiting for the day she’d wear ‘em? He was glad he did it. Put them to one last good use getting her nice and wet for his cock. To hide his guilt, he rested his hand over his face.

“Hourglass figure, wit as sharp as a tack, looks that could kill, I wish she’d get over that crush she’s got already and get with a real man.” A clone added and an intrigued smile broke out onto Anakin’s lips, concealed by his hand.

“A crush? No way,”

“Say it ain’t so,”

“It’s obvious! A woman like that hasn’t hopped on anyone’s dick since she got here— and we’re all strapping young men— I’m tellin’ ya, girl’s hung up.”

“I could make her forget him. Gimme one night with her, she’ll forget he even existed.”

Anakin scoffed. That was highly doubtful.

“What about you, Ko? What do you think of Anatares?”

“What’s to say that hasn’t already been said?” Ko shrugged, but the encouragement from his squad changed his mind. “I just wanna stick my dick in that cleavage. C’mon, you all have seen it. She displays it like she wants attention,” he spoke defensively, as if he had a case to defend, “Wonder if she likes being called a slut.”

She does. Anakin thought with a smile.

“Wonder if she is a slut.” Dice leaned back against the cargo with a wolfish grin.

She is. Anakin thought in response once more, smile widening.

Anakin wrestled with himself. On one hand, he could join the conversation, bond with these disgusting depraved men and their dark fantasies, or stay indifferent and detached. He knew that war changed people, and this was an outlet. They weren’t interested in taking advantage of someone when they were bred to be docile and trained to protect the innocent. Anatares was particularly extroverted, and a bit of a tease— he had learned that first hand. Her flirtatious speech was smooth and confident, and she moved in an aesthetically poised manner, Anakin found her beautiful no matter what she did. Unashamed to admit he’s gotten stiff watching her fight alongside him on the battlefield. No wonder her image fell victim to this merry band of neglected soldiers. Attractive and available so she had become a popular, relatable object of fantasy. A prize to focus on to get through tough times, to get through the possibility of dying tomorrow. Never in a million years would he justify it, but he could understand it. Especially because he could hear his praise of Anatares through the voices of these men. He could sense their intent. None of them, would cause her physical harm. Briefly, he pondered if Anatares sired these feelings in them on purpose, knowing the gross comments they made with each other when they were alone. An image of her getting off to it flashed in Anakin’s mind. It wasn’t far off from her personality to pleasure herself to the idea of power.

“Oi, awfully quiet back there, eh, Skywalker?” Dice called, and Anakin looked at him. “We didn’t scare you or nothin’, did we?” On the contrary.

“No, just listening.” The Jedi replied nonchalantly, crossing his arms and legs as he settled against the hull wall.

Dice wanted to ask if Jedi had dirty thoughts too, but he didn’t want to shatter the illusion that Anakin was one of them— human— if he answered no. Sometimes they liked to pretend Anakin was not a peacekeeper, did not adhere to an oath, in a way Anakin liked to pretend that too.

“You ever get off to the thought of Anatares, General Skywalker?” Stringbean blurted out, breaking the silence. Immediately, the platoon scolded him playfully.

Anakin pinched his chin, “Anatares, you say?” Yes, he has. Yes, indeed, he has. More than he cared to admit. More than he thought a Jedi ever should. “Oh! You mean Commander Tares,” He pushed off the wall, leisurely striding to the center of the group. His inflated ego had gotten to him, having completely overshadowed his more jealous traits ages ago. His tone and correction of her title made his squad nervous, and they watched with bated breath. They questioned if he was cross with them.

“I wouldn’t say,” Anakin started, a mischievous glint in his eye. He folded his arms behind his back, pacing as he noticed their worried looks. Maker, he wished he could tell them, witness their reactions when he tells them he’s been banging the “broad” they fantasize their filthy little minds about when they’re alone. His head was so big it was a mystery how it fit into the hull of this ship.

“We know you’ve got a little soft spot for her, sir, it’s obvious.” Copper ached to break the tension, and he desperately moved it into the direction necessary for him to win the bet. “We’ve all got one.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” The clones averted their gazes from the Jedi once he spoke, shuffling nervously in place. “but Maker, if I were simply a man, I’d do whatever it took to make her mine.”

Grins broke out on their faces at the fact Anakin played a trick on them, and some cheered their agreement with his case.

“Isn’t she other-worldly?”

“Extremely.” Anakin replied.

“She makes it so hard—“

“Maker, don’t I know it…” Anakin mused, reminiscing how hard she makes his cock rather than what the clone was referring to.

“Has she ever hit on you, sir?”

“Oh, all the time. She’s shameless.” And Anakin meant shameless. Downright blasphemous, the words that would come out of that pretty mouth of hers.

“Easy?” One clone asked with hope.

Anakin gave him a look. “It wouldn’t be a problem for me either way.” he responded smugly, acting out the role of the indifferent Jedi who’s confident he could get her if he really wanted to.

His battalion goes wild over the fact their leader is in on their little crush. Like they brought him down to their hellish level, innocent from the knowledge Anakin has put the body they covet the most in every position and every location. Painted her with his cum countless times. Has witnessed her pleading gaze and expression twisted in pleasure when he hit that perfect spot inside of her.

General Skywalker rode on that ego high, “Gentlemen, nothing quite like comin’ home from a battle, and Anatares greeting you with open arms, open legs, and an open mouth.” He stood in the middle while his clones cheered thinking about that imagery, thinking their general is merely joining the conversation, and making it all up.

To keep the charade going, to find out more about how Anakin really felt about Ana, Ko yelled out, “Skywalker!” Anakin hummed in response. “Fuck, marry, kill: Anatares, Master Luminara, and that cute Pantoran Senator Chuchi,”

At the mention, the other clones joined into the game, muttering their answers in a big jumble. Anakin waited his turn to speak, “C’mon,”

“Don’t be like that, it’s just a game.” Ko assured, moving to sit at the edge of the cargo.

“Alright, alright. Let me think. Okay, one’s easy: Marry Anatares. Make her my little trophy wife.”

Like a pack of hyenas, they chittered with laughter.

“Sir? You wouldn’t wanna just ’fuck’?” The question was asked to serve a purpose, to nail in the bet.

“Why would I want to fuck once, when we’re hitched I get to fuck always?” Anakin answered. Once the hollering died down, he added. “Doesn’t matter the time of day. She shouldn’t be walking around with an ass like that if she didn’t want it split open twenty-four-seven.”