#an autistic mood for today

[fellthemarvelous]

Aziraphale hate makes my brain hurt.

Like let's be really fuckin' for real here.

Neurodivergent fans have repeatedly said that Aziraphale is autistic coded. I agree with them. I have never been diagnosed but I wonder about myself. If only I could get a doctor to take me seriously enough to test me for it, but alas, I'm a 43-year-old woman living in the good ole US of A.

Those with religious trauma have repeatedly said that they identify with him as well. I'm one of those people. I endured 12 years of Catholic schools and just as much time being taught a very black and white view of things that I've had to spend more than 20 goddamn fucking years working to unlearn.

I find that my views as a survivor of religious abuse are often dismissed because people keep wanting to say "Aziraphale doesn't have religious trauma." Yes, thank you, I get that, but unless you've been indoctrinated and brainwashed into a very black and white view of the world, you probably don't understand the kind of feelings Aziraphale's onscreen experiences evoke in so many of us. Heaven might not be real, but the feelings of "God is always watching" still stick with me today even though I no longer believe in God. I have entirely denounced Christianity because of my own personal experience, and I refuse to allow people to try and guilt me or shame me for trauma that I didn't ask for. I wasn't given a choice.

As a child I was told that God was real and always watching everything you do (just like Santa Claus) and can hear everything you say and knows everything you are thinking. Do you know what I learned to do in order to cope with this overwhelming and anxiety-inducing information as a small child? I learned to censor my thoughts. I never spoke up, and I have always felt like I was putting on a show for people because I had to be who I was told to be or I would get into trouble.

Aziraphale said "poverty is a virtue" during The Resurrectionists, and as someone who grew up in the Bible belt and went to private schools, I was taught this very same shit by the Catholic church. He learned in that very same episode that "poverty is a virtue" is actually a tool of oppression to keep the poor poor and the wealthy wealthy. I know we all watched the episode. He went into that episode believing what he said, but by the end of it he knew it was actually utter bullshit. Aziraphale is not ignorant. He's highly intelligent, and he has never been too proud to admit when he has been wrong. He accepts that the information he learned before is not matching up with reality.

And it's so obvious some of you have zero experience with that type of indoctrination because of how very little empathy you show Aziraphale for his "mistake" of "choosing Heaven over Crowley" and "making Crowley sad" so clearly Aziraphale must somehow be "abusive" and "manipulative" and "selfish" and "self-centered" because he didn't choose to run away with Crowley at the end of season two.

First of all.

FIRST OF ALL...

Aziraphale has a mind of his own.

Aziraphale is always going to try and do what is right.

Aziraphale is an angel. He's a being of love. And the reason he's so "bad" at being an angel is because he actually wants to protect humanity. He has always loved humanity. He repeatedly has to contend with what is "right" versus what is "good" and "wrong" versus "evil". Yeah, he has flaws. He's an angel, not a goddamn fucking saint. He has lived on Earth for more than 6,000 years. He has seen everything. He loves doing human things.

He's obsessed with magic. It makes him so happy. He's not very good at it...well not when he's trying to put on a show for Crowley.

He chose to learn French the hard way, so even though he knows every single language in the world, he chooses to be mediocre at French. Something that annoys and amuses Crowley at the same time.

He loves to dance even though angels aren't supposed to dance, and dancing with Crowley was what he wanted the most.

He owns a bookshop and refuses to sell any of his books because they are books he's had for as long as there have been books. He will chase customers away from his collection, and Crowley understands how much they mean to Aziraphale because he refuses to sell any when Aziraphale leaves him in charge.

He and Crowley have been speaking to each other in coded language for more than 6,000 years. They have to be very careful about what they say because Heaven and Hell are always watching.

Heaven has photographs of Crowley and Aziraphale sitting or standing together throughout history. Hell had one photo of Crowley and Aziraphale actually working together and it was Aziraphale's quick thinking and how good he actually is at sleight of hand tricks that managed to get that photo out of Furfur's hands so he wouldn't be able to turn Crowley over to the Dark Council.

Aziraphale saved Crowley from being taken to Hell again. He wasn't able to save Crowley from Hell in Edinburgh, but he sure as heck managed to save Crowley from Hell during WWII. He took Crowley to his bookshop and showed Crowley that he stole the picture from Furfur. He saved Crowley.

You get that, right?

Aziraphale SAVED Crowley.

People always talk about how it's "always Crowley saving Aziraphale" because apparently heroic acts are only heroic when they are grand gestures. The sleight of hand wasn't heroic at all, am I right? It wasn't sparkly and showy. It wasn't interesting enough, therefore not heroic. At least that's all I'm hearing when people start with their "blah Aziraphale deserves to suffer because I have no imagination or ability to understand the media in front of me blah", and all these reasons he deserves to suffer is because Crowley almost got hurt.

Aziraphale did that without flinching and I watch that part closely every single time. He's not scared for himself. He's scared for Crowley, and he managed to hold onto that photograph. He did not fail Crowley. He protected Crowley.

And so here's another thing that we like to point out. The way that Aziraphale, an angel who is effeminate and male presenting, an angel who is soft and full of love, an angel who is kind and forgiving because he has empathy and compassion, is somehow painted as abusive and manipulative. He's not violent, but he could easily fuck up your world. He doesn't use his powers. We have no idea how powerful he is because we only ever see him do small acts. He's used to hiding. It's the only way he has ever been able to protect Crowley.

And I'm not saying that Aziraphale has actually saved Crowley before means that Crowley hasn't also saved Aziraphale. Like, you get that those are not mutually exclusive and their relationship is not transactional, right? They have spent their entire existence protecting each other but never actually getting to be together because Heaven and Hell are always watching.

Yeah, Crowley fell. We all know this. We are aware of this. He was the serpent of Eden. He gave humanity the knowledge of free will.

But what we don't talk about is what Aziraphale gave humanity.

What did he give them?

We all know what it is!

Let's say it together!

He gave Adam and Eve his flaming sword because it was dangerous outside the garden and Eve was pregnant and she was already having a really bad day. He showed them compassion and gave them his extremely powerful angelic weapon so they would stand a chance on the outside of the garden. He gave humanity the gift of compassion. It's just unfortunate that his flaming sword became a weapon of War.

And then what did he do after that?

Ooooh, yeah, that's right.

God asked him about it and he straight up lied to her and pretended he had no idea where he'd managed to misplace it. She didn't say anything after that. He told Crowley the truth though. He told Crowley the truth even though Crowley fell.

Yeah, we know Aziraphale has done some really fucking questionable things. He and Crowley both suck at passing for human in front of observant people like Nina. They're not human. They are still learning, but they managed to experience human history together despite being on opposite sides and their experiences with humanity are what has shaped them into the compassionate and loving duo they are now. One of them is not better from the other.

This, my friends, is what we call meeting in the middle. It's why shades of gray is so important. Aziraphale constantly breaks the rules. Crowley refused to play by Heaven's rules. It's the reason he fell. He doesn't play by Hell's rules either. These two dorks figured out how to cancel each others' miracles out throughout human history in order to have more time learning about humanity and each other because working all day every day sucks when there are so many new things to learn and experience with the people you love.

We know Crowley and Aziraphale both love each other. Neither of them are good at hiding the hearts stars in their eyes.

But here's what's really fucking annoying about the Aziraphale hate.

Aziraphale was already crying when Crowley grabbed him and kissed him. Aziraphale is trying so very hard to do the right thing. He loves Crowley. He does. But he also has a duty to humanity, and he has taken that job very seriously since the creation of Adam and Eve. He sent them out into the world with a flaming sword so they would have a chance at surviving beyond the walls of the garden.

And he knows that Something Terrible is going to happen and he spent all of second season trying to figure out what that Something Terrible was while trying to have some sort of more honest and open relationship with Crowley, but again, they aren't human, they are a demon and an angel approaching life from opposite sides who met in the middle and fell in love with humanity together.

He wants more than anything to tell Crowley how he feels about him, but he wants to do something grand for Crowley because Crowley has always been grand and dramatic and sexy and a little bit scary.

Crowley is impulsive and has a temper and sometimes says the wrong thing but he has always trusted Aziraphale because Aziraphale gave him a chance even after he fell. Aziraphale chose to shelter him instead of smiting him while they stood on top of that wall. He knew he was supposed to kill Crowley, but oops, he gave his sword away to the humans so he didn't really have anything to kill him with and Crowley is the one who created nebulas. The Pillars of Creation is Crowley's work and Aziraphale was there to witness that, but he watched Crowley more than he watched the nebula. He witnessed the pure joy on Crowley's face when he said "let there be light" as a nebula full of colors exploded before their eyes. He was fascinated by Crowley.

But Aziraphale is going back to Heaven even though he has made it perfectly clear he absolutely has no desire to go back to Heaven. He told the Metatron this during their conversation. He spoke these words out loud. They exist.

But then The Metatron said this....

The Metatron. The very same angel who told Aziraphale in season one "to speak to me is to speak to the Almighty." He's the boss. He's the big guy. He's used to existing as a giant head and he had to give himself a body so he wouldn't stand out on Earth. And he knows that Aziraphale and Crowley have been working together since the beginning. He knows they worked together to prevent Armageddon in season one, and now he's made it clear he knows they were working together long before that. And let's face it, Aziraphale really wants to know what this Something Terrible is that Gabriel is running from so he can try to prevent it from happening.

It makes sense that he would want to take Crowley to Heaven with him because he would be able to keep Hell from getting their hands on him again. Aziraphale hates it in Heaven. He doesn't want to go, but Something Terrible is happening and Metatron isn't taking no for an answer, and maybe Heaven won't be so bad if Crowley is there with him. At least they can fix Heaven together.

But Crowley can't go back. We all get that. We don't blame him for saying no. It doesn't change anything.

Something Terrible is about to happen and Aziraphale has to figure out what it is. He wants to change Heaven.

He is fully aware that Heaven sucks. He still has faith in God. His faith isn't in Heaven. He deserted his platoon in season one and threw himself back to Earth so he could figure out how to make sure the war between Heaven and Hell doesn't happen.

But see, here's the thing. Heaven is at the top. Heaven has all the resources. Heaven is responsible for the creation of Hell. Heaven is empty and Hell is overpopulated. Aziraphale knows this. Crowley knows this. It's obvious every time we see either place. Both sides are desperate to go to war and will not hesitate to destroy humanity in the process. This is the opposite of what Crowley and Aziraphale want for humanity. If anyone can change Heaven, it's Aziraphale. He's the only one up there who gives a shit about humanity as far as we know. No one else is going to speak on humanity's behalf.

Some of us are so busy getting mad at Aziraphale for going back to Heaven and giving Crowley a Big Sad. Newsflash: Crowley is not the main character of Good Omens. Aziraphale and Crowley are equals, yet we wanna hold Aziraphale to higher standards because he's an angel, and when he makes mistakes it's proof that he's the bad guy.

Holy mother of all things that trigger my religious trauma, let me tell you. I spent my entire life hating myself every time I made mistakes. I've had to teach myself that just because I mess up sometimes doesn't mean I'm bad. It means I'm human. I still struggle with it. I probably always will. So when you say that Aziraphale deserves to be punished for breaking Crowley's heart, you not only ignore that Aziraphale's heart is also broken, you're saying he deserves to be punished for doing what he thinks is right.

Wanting to change Heaven for the better is not a bad thing.

And some of y'all wanna see him suffer for going back into the lion's den that is Heaven, knowing that he is already an outcast, that they have already tried to kill him once, knowing that he is a deserter, that he has been lying to Heaven about a lot of things, and you still think he's blinded by Heaven? You think he's just so naive and that's the only reason he's going back. He doesn't show his emotions the same way Crowley does so it means he doesn't care as much. He's expected to consider Crowley's feelings over his own when making choices. Like holy shit if all of that hasn't defined my experience as a woman with religious trauma in this fucking society. He's expected to be subservient to Crowley and if he doesn't do what Crowley wants then he's being unreasonable and illogical.

What the actual fuck, y'all.

Like seriously.

I'm sick of this bullshit. I had to step away from this fandom because of how toxic some people in this fandom are. It's not chasing me away, but the fact that I chose to hang out in a a more toxic fandom that is already notorious for being really toxic over a fandom that claims to be more open-minded and welcoming should probably tell you something.

It gave me a lot of perspective, and yeah, I'm still gonna speak up against the bullshit Aziraphale hate.

People are entitled to their opinions, but the Aziraphale hate isn't an opinion. It's just ableist, misogynistic garbage. At this point we all know y'all say these extreme things about Aziraphale because y'all get more joy out of the harm and alienation it is causing others.

Keep being loudly wrong, but if you think I'm not entitled to challenge shitty-ass, harmful, hateful discourse, bite my ass.

I'm not the one who lost the plot in this fandom.

[taamlok]

the way it was confirmed during the august 30 bioware q&a that taash is in their early-mid twenties, and then they fact checked themselves and edited the official transcript to just say mid-20s. but they mentioned that taash is the closest in age to sera out of all the companions so now people are using that to say they're like 18-20 in order to justify their ableist "they're childish" nonsense. yeah

[morsobaby]

I LOVE YOU AUTISTICS I'M SO SO GLAD TO INTERACT WITH OTHER AUTISTICS AFTER YEARS OF MASKING AND LIVING WITH ABLEISTS TO THIS DAY. GIVING YOU A HEAD BUMP OF RESPECT IF YOU'RE AUTISTIC IT FEELS SO REFRESHING AND GOOD AND AFFIRMING TO INTERACT WITH OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE AND RELATE TO THEM AND BE UNDERSTOOD ANS UNDERSTAND THEM

[autisticlee]

sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.

but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.

I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.

(continue in tags)

[wanderingmind867]

After school today, I feel exhausted. So even though I've made some posts (and know i definitely want to make more before the night gets too late), i want to just lie down and rest. Which means i probably won't end up doing much. And that'll effect my mood. But really, I just feel tired. So if I end up lying down and don't make many more posts for a little bit, forgive me. I do want to make posts, i'm just exhausted. sigh...

[sc3n3kitt3h]

IM LIKE IF A BOY WAS A MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL WAS A SCENE FAG

[swiftfootedachilles]

pls can you talk more about age regression mickey? i need it😭😭😭😭

anon i promised myself i would never talk about this subject on tumblr yet here we are

ok i have to preface this by saying a couple things for clarifications

i DO NOT fuck with sexualizing age regression or ageplay!!!!

that being said, somebody can age regress sometimes and still be a grown adult with dick and balls who has sex! but they are entirely separate from one another!

i dont really, like.... fully understand age regression, i guess? i dont understand the difference between age regression, age play, and just enjoying kid stuff(age dreaming?). like is it a specific headspace? is it a form of dissociation? how do you know if you're regressing or just pretending, or are those the same thing? my ignorance may show in my headcanons so sorry

my headcanons for mickey are based on my own experiences. so although i don't know anything about what i just listed above, i do know that personally i really like a lot of kid stuff and it definitely is because of my childhood trauma and my (assumed) autism. and obviously mickey has a lot of childhood trauma, and hes autistic imo. so that's really the only scope of reference i have for this 😭

autistic people are not inherently childish or lack certain skills just because they consume a lot of child media. anybody who enjoys kid stuff or age regresses is automatically doing that 24/7 and unable to exist in adult spaces. and even if they are like that, that's nobody's business but theirs. but obviously mickey doesn't do this 24/7, and i don't think he would enjoy doing it all the time anyway. autistic people like children's media because its usually created to have an easily understandable premise, visually stimulating, have very concise pacing, understandable character motivations, and conflicts are resolved efficiently. it's something straightforward to watch, read, or play when the world doesn't make any sense and overwhelms us

i do not view age regression/ageplay/age dreaming in this context as mickey having did/a little alter. most of the content ive seen about agereg seems to view it as a form of dissociation, and while it can be that, i think writers are doing this accidentally because they don't really understand how dissociation works. and again, this is just based on my experience and understanding, and i don't dissociate at all when i consume children's media. i just enjoy it that's really only how deep it goes i just like it lol

ive mentioned both of these many many times before but mickey has fidget toys and plushies. he especially uses chewelry/teethers, bike chain fidgets, mechanical fidgets, tangles, spinner rings, weighted blankets and plushies, and jellycat/squishables/aurora/douglas/plushie dreadful. he also has a color changing lamp with multiple brightness settings that he likes to sit by/stare at

he likes to draw and color. he doesn't read because he struggles with it and it's not relaxing at all to read. he eats "boring" tasting food for the texture, like freeze dried yogurt and puffed rice. ian has to watch him and redirect him when he eats otherwise he'll just keep eating and eating just to chew on something. he likes chewing gum but it hurts his jaw if he does it too much.

he rewatches a lot of shows from his childhood. ghostwriter, zoboomafoo, magic school bus, bill nye. he also saw a lot of older shows and movies because they were recorded on vhs tapes in their house, or they were reruns on their free-to-run tv. electric company, zoom, little audrey, romper room, felix the cat, speed racer, space ghost. he really likes to watch old westerns and gangster movies. it really just depends on how "small" hes feeling. he also likes bluey, avatar the last airbender, and a lot of the classic cartoon network shows. hes watched a lot of peppa pig but thats only because franny is obsessed and watches it every day. he shows freddie speed racer because he has a racecar/hotwheels obsession

when hes regressed, ian will not do couple-y thing with him. he won't kiss his mouth, talk about adult topics with him, touch him inappropriately, none of it. he doesnt want his role as a romantic and sexual partner to be equated to his role as caregiver

mickey doesnt need help using the bathroom or bathing beyond being reminded when to do it. he usually becomes nonverbal though. communicating doesn't really happen beyond a few words when he has to respond to ian. he also stims a lot more and generally is unmasked in this state. ian doesn't want to disturb him, but he also wants to use the chance to get mickey to do some new things while he's relaxed. he gets mickey to help him prepare dinner, pick out colors for house decor, takes him in public with his headphones (mickey usually hates wearing them in public because he thinks he looks stupid + he can't hear much around him). ian would take him more places like the zoo and museums, but it's usually too crowded and he knows it would sour the experience for mickey

mickey is overall much more.... soft and pliant in this state. he can definitely have a meltdown, but he's usually pretty chill as long as he's at home and doesn't have any errands to worry about

[dreamtigress]

Today is being... a DAY.

Cramps from hell. The person the RSD post was about actually got back to me, but their answer leaves me with half a dozen more questions, and a very large chunk on ennui. I was supposed to have a dr's appt this morning... and then traffic, accidents, NO PARKING, and an elevator going the wrong directions had me running late. Turns out they didn't have the appointment on the books. I DID NOT have a meltdown in the office, but it was close. They had an opening for an appt this afternoon... so I get to leave the house again in twenty minutes. Right now, shoveling food into my face and wishing my guts would stop stabbing me.

I would like a medal for being so brave and honest and not curling up in the fetal position or murdering anyone. Just saying.

[modeus-the-misanthrope]

The elven ambassador was faced with an impasse, while visiting the neighboring kingdom. He watched in mild shock as the human royals he had been conversing with all evening, began ordering cocktails mixed with "Elven Wetnurse Milk" a product for elven mothers who lacked milk to nurse their children, although the humans referred to it as "Nurse's milk"

As he inquired about what they were drinking, feigning ignorance, he realized the Elven to Common translation left the name of the product without some of it's context. The humans had assumed it was a form of name brand, as opposed to a descriptor of where it came from.

The elven ambassador further learned that in the richer bar and pubs, this imported milk had almost entirely replaced other milks when it came to cocktails. His figers gripped the cup he had been handed as he realized the economic and diplomatic fallout that could occur if he tried to explain the mistake that the humans had made.

He raised the glass to his lips and took a sip. He is ashamed to admit, if only in the privacy of his own mind. It DOES taste amazing.

[angelsonthesideline]

My boss just sent me for a walk because I was about to break down

[abyssalpriest]

My favourite "Lev being funny though I don't actually know if he's being funny on purpose" thing is him randomly telling me shit he's eaten. Like I'll tell him something while he's possessing my body like "ugh god don't eat that food it was left out, might have had bugs crawl on it" and he'll already be eating it saying something like "I've eaten bugs I don't care". I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I've eaten worse" when it comes to all sorts of shit like raw meat and sea creatures and intestines and bugs and plants and all sorts of animals and ROCKS (when he was around earlier he tried so hard to not say he likes lapis lazuli because of its texture lmfao and I could feel it)

Tho I have to give special mention bc it's still playing in my head to the funniest fucking time (paraphrased) -

Random YouTube video of this slimy huge millipede-esque creature wriggling: Would you eat this -

Lev: Yes.

Random video: - for a million dollars?

Lev: Yes. Give me my money

Me: You'd eat that??

Lev: Yes. And I want a million dollars. Give it to me

[acestims]

Feel like chatting please send asks! Ask about cpunk disability any questions or just chat please

[moonchildjelly]

Okay so I did it finally got some courage and I I went to the pharmacy buy my antidepressants and I take already one after lunch and yes I feel so much better like im not scared of everything and that I can function now

[hyah-lian]

Surgery went well and recovery is going OK. I get stitches out in like 3 days. I just haven't been online much because the sudden shift from night to day and from 10 hours+ of physical activity to nearly zero has been a trip and a half

I have done so much socializing and outings. Walking so many places. Going to stores and malls just cause they're open and nearly empty at 10 am on a Wednesday etc. Friends borrowing me for a few hours to sit at watch them play cards and board games and letting me be rowdy and loud. I can do some things with my hands but lately it's a lot of pacing because of the ridiculous amount of bandaging stopping me from doin some stuff and the adhd hyperactivity gremlins being in full force

Sleeping without a weighted blanket is so hard! Mine is 15 or 20 lbs and that is way more than the 3lbs I am allowed to lift!

I am so bored! But fine motor stuff like typing or crafting or drawing is still very weird and makes my forearms sore from disuse at this point

Anyway a cheeky update. I've begged my mom to take me on a drive because I can't pace anymore and I don't want to strain my wrists on phone or pc reading or playing very lazy games (I asked before I did it and my surgeon said it's ok in moderation!)

[wanderingmind867]

I felt really sad earlier (to the point where I made some posts admitting to feeling really depressed temporarily), but it's clearing up now. My moods don't feel nearly as depressed now. So that's good. I still have some simmering sad feelings, but they're back on the backburner. Which is nice. It's not great when I have to confront my many, many stressors. Which I know i will have to, as the school year approaches. But i think i am allowed to try and run from my problems for a while longer.

Besides, it's incredibly time consuming to write posts about my many, many issues. I'd rather try to avoid it for a little bit longer. But rest assured: the break never lasts. I'll end up venting about them again sooner rather than later. Maybe even before the night's over, I don't know.

[wanderingmind867]

School is hard enough, but at least there I can say I'm learning! School offers me nothing! I would gladly accept a world where everything is the same but no one works. Even if politics was the same in every other way, I'd be fine with that world. At least in that world I wouldn't feel bad for not wanting/being able to work. Also, maybe then I could actually just stay in school forever.

can't believe I'm expected to work even though I don't feel like it and would rather not