#got a therapist appointment in two days with the therapist I really like and trust.

[neverendingford]

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[specialagentlokitty]

Hannibal lector x teen!reader - I would notice

Is it possible to have a continuation of 'i would notice'? Bc that fic was scrumptious and I need to see reader happy and healthy with Hannibal 😭 - Anon💜

Part two:

You resumed your therapy on a non official basis, your parents weren’t billed for the sessions like usual, Hannibal would make the time to either go to your school, your home or occasionally to some cafe.

Hannibal had come to the agreement with you that he would meet you twice a week, and if you felt the thoughts getting the better of you then you would call him no matter the time of day.

He also insisted on checking your arms for any injuries and relied on you to tell him the truth about if you had inflicted any wounds elsewhere.

You were laid upside down on your couch while Hannibal read over the letter that you had given him.

“You refuse to go to your progression meeting? Think about college or university?” He asked.

“I don’t see the point, plus the letter insists on bringing my parent or parents with me and yeah considering they’re in a whole different country that might be a bit hard.”

He hummed a little bit, setting the letter down and he looked at you.

“Do sit up, all that blood rushing directly to your brain won’t do you any good.”

You sighed, swinging yourself back around so you were sitting up.

“Are you interested in perusing a higher education?”

“I haven’t really thought about it I guess…”

“You hadn’t thought about making it past your teenage years?”

You shook your head and he nodded in understanding.

“Well, we have some time, why don’t you take a moment to think about this. What do you want to do in your life?”

You went quiet as you thought about his question.

“I guess I want to help people somehow.”

“A doctor? A therapist?”

You shook your head.

“No. There jobs my parents want me to have, I don’t want them.”

“Well, perhaps you should consider going to this meeting, see what your options are based on your grades at the moment.”

“No thanks, I’ll pass.”

Hannibal sighed heavily.

“Will you attend this meeting if I were to ask nicely?” He asked.

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll be the only student there without a parent or guardian, that’s gonna make me the laughing stock of my whole grade.”

“Just consider it, I would like you to go there tomorrow, trust me.”

Hannibal checked his watch and stood up.

“I have an appointment soon, so I must be going but do consider staying for the meeting for me, see what options there are available for your future.”

You got up to see him out, but never gave him a response.

You were supposed to still be on summer break, but you found yourself wondering the school halls as you debated actually going to this meeting.

It was supposed to be the last one before senior year, anybody who hadn’t gone to any of the meetings were going to start getting pulled aside in following year.

The meeting would help clear up some doubts you were having on your future and you knew that, but you didn’t want to go alone, so you closed your locker.

You began making your way towards the exit, and last minute changed your course to step into the classroom where other students and parents were.

“Well, look who finally came. I was hoping you would.” Your teacher smiled.

You gave a small smile back, walking over.

“Hey Daniels, I was wondering if maybe I could just get a few leaflets and go.”

He nodded, picking up a few leaflets and some other things.

“Take it I can’t encourage you to stay?” He asked.

“Nah, plus it looks like you’ve got a pretty full room anyways.”

He chuckled a little.

“All last minute, just like you. But you’ve still got time to decide so don’t panic about it.”

“I won’t, thanks.”

You stuffed them into your bag and swung it over your shoulder, turning to head to the door and you nearly collided with someone walking through.

“I hope I’m not late, there was a great deal of traffic on the way here.”

You took a few steps back.

“Doctor lector?”

He smiled as he saw you, taking his scarf off.

“You came, although I assume I caught you just as you were leaving?”

You nodded.

“Well, since we’re both here why don’t we take a seat?”

You sat at the back of the classroom with him, setting all the leaflets you had gotten on the table.

“Have you thought about how far you want to travel?” Hannibal asked.

“I don’t really want to go too far, I want to stay somewhere semi familiar.”

“Alright, in that case we’ll take these ones away.”

He took a few of the leaflets away, and picked up one of the others, talking you though it and comparing all of the colleges and universities for you.

“Well, you are interested in animals, perhaps something in that industry?”

You gasped, lightly hitting the table a few times in excitement.

“Zookeeper!! Or.. or.. or ranch owner!” You whisper yelled.

Hannibal chuckled a little, smiling softly at you, and he set a couple of leaflets down in the table for you.

“Well, you still have your senior year ahead of you, but perhaps we can think of visiting a few of these universities, see what they have to offer for you.”

“Aren’t you like real busy or something?”

“I do have spare time, if need be I can make the time.”

You nodded a little bit, looking through one of the leaflets, showing him one of the pictures.

“This one has monkeys, and it’s near a zoo I could do work experience.”

“Well then, I think we should arrange a visit to this university and see all they have to offer, don’t you?”

You quickly nodded your head.

“How do we do that?”

“I’ll handle all of that no need to worry at all.”

You smiled a little at him, and you pulled another bit of paper from your bag, handing it over to him.

“What’s this?”

“Well, we get to decorate our parking spots, this is what I wanna do with mine.”

“This will take you all day.”

“Yup!”

You beamed at Hannibal and he handed the paper back to you, gesturing to the front of the room so you could pay attention.

When the meeting was over, Hannibal dropped you off back home.

“Shall I meet you here tomorrow?” Hannibal asked.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll see you next week doctor Lector, and I uh.. thank you for coming to the meeting.”

He smiled at you, making his way back to his car.

You wanted to get an early start on decorating your parking space, and you placed a sheet down that you could sit while you did it.

It was still early in the day, there weren’t many students there, but all of them were doing the same thing as you, getting an early start.

You were sitting with headphones on while you worked, but you did notice a shadow over you, so you tilted your head up.

“Doctor lector!”

You smiled, pushing your headphones down and you moved over so he could sit next to you.

“I happened to find myself with the day free, so I thought I would come check on your progress.”

“I’ve got to wait for the top to dry, so I’m working on the background for now.”

Hannibal nodded his head, and he looked at the paints that you were using.

“You’ve changed your idea a little bit.”

“Yeah, I thought a forest scene would be a lot nicer you know?”

He hummed a little bit, handing you a green paint, taking the one you already had next to you.

“Try this one, it would capture the essence of the pine trees, make them look more alive.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

You changed the shade of green you were using, and Hannibal took a paintbrush to help you, following the outline that you had made.

“Do you paint or something doctor lector?”

“I believe everybody should divulge into the arts in some way another, it can help clear one’s mind, find them peace.”

You nodded your head.

“You seemed to be rather adepts at painting.”

“My parents made me take art classes as a kid, I guess I just really enjoyed it because I kept painting. I lost interest a while back, but I thought maybe I should pick it up again.”

“Why was that?”

“You.”

“Me?”

Hannibal looked at you slightly confused and you smiled a little at him.

“Yeah, you taught me it was important to keep my interests, especially if I want to clear my mind. Painting really helps.”

“And visiting the pet store?”

“They have really cute puppies?” You grinned a little.

Hannibal chuckled, and he smiled at you, turning his attention back to the painting.

“I am glad to see that you’re becoming much happier, have you considered getting a pet? For company that is, that way you are not alone.”

“I was thinking about it, but I don’t know, I don’t wanna buy one you know?”

“Have you thought about adopting one? I have a friend who has done the same, I could ask him to come with us if you’d like?”

“Yeah! Oh my god I want to find a really adorable dog!”

Hannibal chuckled again.

“Well, considered it settled then. I shall get into contact with Will, I’ll arrange a date and a time, we will go to a few rescues until you find a perfect dog.”

You and Hannibal carried on working on your parking spot, he showed you how to blend the colours to look more natural, and he did the more intricate details for you.

When you were finished you put your hand into the paint tin, and you pulled it out, grinning at him.

“What are you planning?” He mused.

You stamped your hand on the bottom of your parking space, and wrote you name underneath, then wiped your hand on your jeans.

“(Y/N), don’t do that come now, you’ll never get that out.”

Hannibal handed you a cloth, and you used that instead, just grinning at him.

He stood up, and looked at your forest themed parking spot, trees, birds, blue skies, sunlight through the trees, a stag in the middle of them all, and an owl sitting on the branch.

“Why an owl?” You asked.

“Well, because they protest wisdom, a thing I believe you have a lot off.”

“Haha very funny.”

“It’s true, you’re a smart person (Y/N), with a lot of wonderful ideas for this world, and I for one look forward to seeing you grow into a wonderful adult.”

You smiled at him.

Hannibal gestured to paint.

“May I?”

You nodded and he brushed some paint on to his hand, and he printed his hand print next to yours, signing his name underneath.

He cleaned his hand on a cloth, and he stood next to you.

“Now this is truly a work of art.” He said.

“Can we go look at dogs now?”

“Well, everywhere is closed to the public, however Will has agreed for you to come to his home and meet his dogs, would you be alright with that?”

You quickly nodded your head and rushed to pack everything away.

“Careful now, we don’t want to ruin your hard work, you spent all day on that.”

“Right! Right! Carefully.”

Hannibal helped you out everything into your car.

“Go home and change, I’ll be there shortly to come get you.”

You beamed brightly from ear to ear and he smiled at you, opening your car door so you could get in.

You drove back home to wash the pain off and change into some fresh clothes, and you were practically bouncing with happiness as you waited for Hannibal to come back.

The moment you saw his car you were running down the driveway, and he chuckled, getting out of his car to open the passenger door for you.

“Does Will have a lot of dogs? Can we get them treats?”

You carried on rambling questions for him, and he just smiled, finally seeing you with a spark of life, a spark of happiness

[voxmilia]

Do you have any HCs with inkblade and Ivy

YOU MEAN OISIN AND HIS TWO FAVORITE GIRLS? THREE OF MY FAVORITE KIDDOS? ONLY ALWAYS

I latched on so hard to "mean girl with the Garthy O'Brien accent" so I've adopted Ivy, she's one of my favorites, I literally write her on my rp blog, I have a character/timeline study for her in the works so I have many headcanons. Some of these are, as usual, created in conjunction with my friend Nick @starlingcity !!

I've had to cut this down like 3 times because I have so many thoughts about all three of them so literally ask me for more anytime!

Ivy was born in Leviathan. She doesn't remember it much; she and her bio mother (her mama, bc Fabian parallel) emigrated to Solace when Ivy was around 2 or 3. Her accent is sort of a mix of Leviathan and Fallinel, as her second mother (her mum) is a high elf.

She meets Oisin at Oakshield Middle School. He's sitting by himself, reading a spellbook and Ivy, who even before the rage never really knew how to express herself right the first time, tells him it's "too sad" to watch him all alone and insists she has to join him from now on. She does. They're inseparable from then on.

They develop minor separation anxiety after their first death in the Mountains of Chaos; it's tenfold by their revivication in junior year. Jawbone helps them both and also helps them find accredited private therapists.

Oisin has a panic attack for the first time ever during his first appointment with Jawbone, because Ivy isn't there and he's terrified she'll be dead when he comes out.

He has another one when Lucy's out for a summer trip, reconnecting with her family after a year dead, and he hasn't heard back from her in almost a day. Adaine finds him, knees tucked to his chest, arms and tail wrapped around them, just outside of Jawbone's office. It's their first real conversation beyond his initial apology to her.

He laments that he should be stronger than this, should know better. Adaine still doesn't trust him but she understands so she huffs and assures him that anxiety doesn't mean he isn't strong. She has anxiety and she's been in so many battles., defeated so many foes

"I punched a dragon in the face and I have anxiety!" (It makes him laugh. She hates that she likes the sound of it.)

Ivy, as bad as she is with words, is the first to apologize of all the Rat Grinders. Mazey is kind, too kind. Ivy sort of rambles. She isn't even sure why was she so unkind in the first place; she apologizes, says Mazey deserved better. They're not friends but they've buried the hatchet at least. (Years later, they run into each other at a Fig and the Cig Figs concert and smile at each other but say nothing.)

Oisin and Ivy kissed exactly once, at 14, the summer before their freshman year. They were two confused, curious kids who wondered if the warmth in their chests when they were together was meant to be romance. They hated it immediately and never attempted it again. Ruben is still convinced they're exes, though.

Oisin, Adaine, and Ivy end up in the first Bad Kid/Rat Grinder mixed group chat, beyond their initial mega chat with both parties. Oisin kept sharing memes Ivy sent him to Adaine, who would tell him to send Ivy one from Adaine in turn. He got tired of being the middle man eventually and makes them a group thread.

Ivy texts the chat one night that she feels sorry for Adaine, because Oisin is an awful kisser. Adaine tells Ivy to speak for herself. Oisin is too embarrassed to reply for almost an hour, to Ivy's joy

[sentientcave]

WIP WEDNESDAY BABES

Got two little bite size snippets for you all if you would care to partake. One from the next chapter of Retirement Party and one from chapter uhhhhh sixteen? Of Sparrow. I swear I'm gonna start posting that soon.

As usual, MDNI please

Retirement Party

It’s strange to be back in London. He still comes here once a week— A staunch refusal to switch to a new therapist, even if it would save him the short flight from Aberdeen Airport every Friday, his whole day eaten away by travel and the hour appointment with Dr. Clara. He doesn’t like her. She thinks he’s stubborn and resistant. She’s probably right. For the first time, he thinks it might be a good idea to switch. Or stop coming in personally, conduct therapy online. Being away from Dalisay bothers him. He doesn’t like that she’s alone in the house. If something happened, he’d be too far away to do anything about it. If she left, he wouldn't be able to stop her, but... She’d seen him off, kissed him at the door, said she’d make dinner for when he got back. She wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t want to. He had to trust her, even if it was a difficult thing to do. It would probably kill him if he came home to an empty house.

Sparrow

Well. Makarov was a secondary objective at this point. If the opportunity to kill him presented itself he’d shoot, but there was no sense hunting the man down and losing his chance to get off the bloody boat with him and Morgan in one piece. If it were just Ghost, he might’ve chanced it. Maybe blown up the whole bloody ship. He didn’t really care if he lived or died— In many ways he’d been dead for years now, if not since they buried him, since he buried himself along with his family in that gray little cemetery in Manchester— But he did care if she lived. He could lie to himself and say it was out of loyalty to Price, getting his girl back home for him, but it wasn’t that. There was something in that soft, stubborn little bird that he recognized, something that resonated with the part of him that was still Simon Riley, deep down inside where the light couldn’t get in. He could feel the first stirrings of life in a long while, like she was spring, thawing the frozen ground and coaxing something green and delicate out of the mud. Maybe it was just him being selfish (he’d always been selfish), but he wanted to see what could grow.

[copperbadge]

As a writer with ADHD who has gone to therapy for years, it has actually been very helpful in gaining tools to sort of "manually" emotionally regulate. My therapist says that writing fiction is a great tool to practice having emotions and regulating them, but like you I struggled with real-life negative emotions, especially a sudden unexpected one. The aftershocks could go on for days. It's had a really positive effect on my life and my relationships, and even my self-esteem. Hope this is useful

Okay, so this is interesting, because we've been talking in the comments of the post about what therapy is or can do, and I think I got stuck a bit backwards in terms of like "This technique doesn't seem like it would work on me regardless."

Because part of it is that I don't want to tell someone what won't work for me if I also don't actually have any kind of goal -- saying "I don't know why I'm here and also I'm going to fight you" is like...one, rude, and two, well then what are we even doing, you know? Why waste the time, I don't enjoy fighting with psychologists. If I don't want to do most of what it entails AND I don't have a reason to go, then therapy's just, you know, not for me. Which is fine, but I'd like to commit to either trying it out or ignoring it, instead of this endless circular motion, which bogged me down a bit in the post.

But if we backtrack to actually having a goal, then yeah, okay, more regulation would not be a bad one. I don't know that I believe it's possible given the only thing I've found that works is, uh, prescription amphetamines, and even then in very limited application, but again: haven't been to therapy in twenty-five years. So while I immediately know many things that wouldn't work, saying "I was diagnosed with ADHD recently and apparently emotional dysregulation is a thing, I've mostly fixed it but maybe there's something that could fix it more" might work. It sounds better than "I don't like this emotion and would like to know how to stop feeling it" anyway, even if the point is the same. And my meds psych is likely to be knowledgeable about specific people who might help me, when put like that.

I keep forgetting my next appointment with him is actually going to be in-person -- they're starting to adjust telehealth rules regarding controlled substance prescription, so he's supposed to get face-to-face with me at least every six months. I like him and trust him but every time I see that "in person" note on my calendar it zaps me back to being a teenager and experiencing the Weekly Dread of the Feelings Hour again. His extremely firm boundaries about Not Being My Therapist and the fact that I'm also kind of pleased to be able to meet him in person are keeping me from cancelling the appointment, at least. And my awkwardness on video calls has already prepared him to deal with Anxious Sam in person, so hopefully nothing will seem amiss.

[bread-tab]

as of this week i've made appointments to start seeing a new doctor AND a new therapist.

been nearly a year since i walked out on my old shitty therapist. very interesting year. a lot happening (a LOT a lot, oh my god). some bad. some very bad. but a lot of very very good. way more good than expected. more than i could have imagined, really, when i was trying—two years ago when i saw the change coming, looming and blocking out all beyond it like a total wave, and i was mainly grieving and terrified.

also a lot of self-reflection, and on the flip side a lot of getting lost in the moment and forgetting myself.

(it's like how, when i'm unmedicated (like now), i can remember what it's like for my brain to be working better, but i can't really remember until i'm back on meds and all the neural pathways line up again. and yes here i am comparing talking to emotionally intelligent people (professionals) with being on prescription drugs. c'est la vie)

before this i had gone through around five years of therapy and had never taken a significant break. i got used to having a companion in my introspective adventures. a touchstone to keep me from wandering back into all my old bad habits. i was so afraid to give that up.

in the end, i didn't have much choice. so i got up and walked out and started walking my lonely road (as green day might put it) again. but this time, i found, i had the ghosts of therapists past walking with me. it was not at all the same.

i didn't realize how much i had changed until i could compare those two oh-so-different solitudes.

because, in the time that therapy was working for me, i learned so much. i learned it and damn well applied it. how to cry in front of someone. how to be upset and yet not feel like the world was ending. how to let my emotions exist. how to let the world exist and face the shape of my life without trying to force it to change. how to talk to someone. how to build trust, like a bridge, with my own two hands.

i associated all that with being in therapy; i didn't know it had become part of me.

my dear good therapist taught me how to ask for help. my shitty therapist taught me some other stuff which i don't think she intended to; and in the midst of that mess of mixed gems and slag it emerged: the clarity of contrast, to appreciate all i had learned and was capable of. the motivation of spite (justice!) to seize back my agency:

"i can do a better job at this

(the business of helping myself)

than you."

i would not choose to make anyone else use that method to learn, but it was what i had, and i damn well learned. i know better. i know myself better. i don't need to feel insecure about this. i am done with the starvation of waiting for cruel people's mercy.

(i am on the hunt for a kinder world, and i am a persistence predator.)

it is strange to anticipate this new venture into therapy, with all my changed motivation. i have my guard so far up. yet i am somehow, simultaneously, ready to open up, to be (in the eyes of my past self) unfathomably honest and extend enough of an olive branch of vulnerability to form a genuine connection, to tackle both my truest struggles and my "unacceptable" flaws. a surreal synthesis.

i am ready to ask for help and i am ready to walk out if i'm not getting it. i'm done wasting time. my fears and desires have narrowed down to the knife-edge of needing to be a better person.

i am ready to get to work.

[weary-minds]

Looking at your latest post, how in the world did your therapist (or psych for that matter) even get licensed in the first place?? They're just allowed to outright say things like that to their patients?? I'm not sure where your healthcare is from but that is absurd...

Hi anon, referring to that post honestly it really boils down to two things: 1. Where I live is practically in the middle of nowhere of the United States. So basically, updated information and newer technology naturally comes to us much later than it does higher populated areas. The teachings both of them had likely are from over ten years ago, and a lot certainly changes over the course of a decade. And of course with them being old-styled, they won't believe anything from the internet even if it's from a trusted source. Overall, it's some gross mixture of misinformation (where they may genuinely mean well) and ableism (when you take into account the attitude from the psych specifically when I had to defend my sibling's disability and the "smart enough" comment from my therapist). 2. I am very low income. I have the cheapest of the cheap insurance, and so this location is the only place they'll pay for in my area. In other words, "you get what you pay for"; the 'professionals' who look to get you in and out as quick as possible without any actual regard for your progress or safety. You want another example? Day one seeing my old psych, she immediately asked, "Do you want pills for that too?" while grabbing her notebook directly after I mentioned I have clinical depression. Which- from my understanding- some do absolutely need medicine for their depression regardless of type (sometimes in tandem with therapy), but she had nothing to go off of when referring to me as an individual. I got this diagnosis when I was 14 from a therapist almost a decade ago, but I could've easily been lying and she still would've been more than happy to write me a prescription. From what I've been told by friends in other countries, they usually are supposed to suggest more non-invasive manners of help first, or at in the very least ask for some context of your symptoms and previous treatment before jumping so quickly to drugs. It's safe to say there were a number of red flags on that first appointment with her. That wording alone was sus. That's not even bringing into account how many sessions with my therapist where half of the hour is her talking about herself and trauma- I assume to better connect with me? I totally appreciate but man does it take away from my ability to even get out what needs to be discussed. I'm likely going to drop this therapist if this keeps up, with that said. Nevertheless, that's not to say there aren't good mental health professionals out there, you certainly have to try within your means to find the right one; which unfortunately is an ordeal of its own when you tally in the sheer amount of time it takes to get registered with a therapist/psych. It's not for everyone, but if it does truly help then it's worth the trouble. Apologies for the long response, I didn't intend on this becoming a vent blog. :')

[hekkoto]

Updateeeeee~!

Heya darklings <3 Im coming with update, overall Im doing better so dont worry ;p In last days Im recovering from removal of wisdom tooth, quite problematic one to be honest – it was mostly under gums, at 45^ angle, right next to nerve ;p they had to force my gums away and they had to cut it into pieces to remove it >XD on first day I was in such excruciating pain I was almost walking on walls >XDDD thankfully it got better, I was sleeping for most of days on begining but Im feeling way better now ^^ last two days it hurts more again but I hope it will be fine soon ^^

Oh, Im starting therapy! I already had first session with new therapist and I I gonna have it once per week :> Im starting therapy which should be great for my borderline issues so maybe I will be able to have any progress when it comes to my stupid head. So far I told like half of my story, next appointment I gonna talk about past too so she will know on what we need to work the most. Tho she already told me I suffer from PTSD and that my childhood was really awful, we will also look what personality disorders I exactly have [cause yeah, borderline is sure but it seems there is moooore ;p]

Ye, my health is getting better, both physical and mental, when I have those downs its not that bad now and its easier to cope with. Also Im mostly on euphoric side ^^ yayayaya Im so happy! Of course, Im aware that my issues will need years to get better but at least Im moving forward ^^

And I will tell you something funny, lately me and my husband watch a lot of South Park aaand today I came to realisation... Im like fucking Cartman aaaaaaa >XD Like his behavior and mine have so many things in common >XD damn kill meeeeee XD tho dont worry, my marriage is doing fine, my husband really recognizes I try my best to show my love and affection and I work on myself to be less fucked up [I mean, I told him a lot before we even started dating, I just wanted him to be aware Im quite... problematic person ;p]

I should be fully back this or next week ^^ I have a lot of things waiting to be posted or finished since eternity lolz I have a lot of stuff that is awfully late but yeah, I gonna catch up soon ^^ I must do few more things like cleaning my flat, of course doctors cause I go there so often >XD but I feel like Im finally sorting out my life ^^ ye, Im positive things will get better <3 I again struggle with very often nightmares so my sleep is fucked up, like my insomnia is bad enough without it but now I struggle with often being super exhausted so I cant do too much at once. But step by step and I gonna do everything ^^

oh, I plan to make [probably few] videos cause I feel like I wanna talk about my past, my life, my health, my nightmares and other shit. Maybe someone would be interested and would find something they relate to and maybe it will be useful to anyone ;p if you have request about what you want me to talk just leave it in comment here ^^ and trust me, some of the stuff gonna be so fucked up >XD

Love ya pumpkins, stay tuned <3

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Two, Part 1

-465 "I didn't say it'd be good for us." "Chris?" Dr. Sarah Fischer said, holding the door to her office open. I pulled down my headphones and set down the month old People magazine I wasn't really reading on the table next to me. Back on to a pile of old magazines. I always wondered why waiting room magazines were always weeks behind, if not months. I stood up out of the uncomfortable waiting room chair I had been slouching in and headed through the door.

I'd been seeing her since I moved to Milwaukee, off a recommendation from my old therapist in Oconomowoc. I knew, even with the move and fresh start, I'd have to continue in therapy. Keep some grip on my moods. Plus, I take Lithium Carbonate as one of my nightly cocktails. Lithium use needs to be monitored every couple of months. I had no choice. My head wasn't safe for me if I didn't. My body could become very unsafe if I didn't. And so, I did. Every other Thursday for an hour, I sat in the same chair, stared at her and tried my damnedest to be open and truthful about everything.

Therapy doesn't work if you do nothing but lie to your therapist. Trust me. I know this.

Sarah wasn't a bad looking woman. She was short, like 5'5" with heels kind of short. But she was warm, inviting and extremely good at her job. At least, she was with me. She didn't let me get away with any bullshit. Which is exactly what I needed. She makes me talk.

I sat down in the same chair I sat for every single appointment. I didn't realize the chair I sat in the first time would be the only spot I would ever sit in. Apparently, I'm a creature of comfort. She pulled a rolling desk chair up in front of me and sat down. In her right hand was a clipboard with a yellow legal pad. You know the ones.

Her office wasn't very large. A desk sit in one corner of the room, at a slight angle. A laptop sat open on top of it, and next to that was a monitor connected to the PC below the desk. Otherwise, her desk was papers and forms, and in one corner a small cactus that she probably got at Walmart or something. The only plant that is hard to kill with forgetfulness. Against the wall was a large bookshelf, filled with psych books and the DSM 4. That one was just about outdated. The DSM 5 would be approved in December of that year. I had a brief period where I was rallying into mental health issues. Like the types and how they can affect a person's life.

"How are we doing today?" She asked. This is how every single meeting I had with her started. The ceremony had begun. Now came the ritual. Our quiet little war dance.

"I'm doing pretty good, I guess," I had learned a long time ago, that if you want to get something out of therapy, you need to tell the truth on every single question. Even the one's that seem so small can have serious consequences down the line.

"Anything new?"

"Kind of. Maybe. You know what, I have no idea," I said. Even though I had been in therapy three years, I still had issues fully opening up. At least at the start of each session. It was as if I had forgotten how to talk. It never lasted long, but it was still odd.

"I met someone the other day. An actual breathing and living girl."

"Oh really? As in a friend or something different." She was scribbling already.

"I say that it was just friends, but Chad says it was more than what I'm seeing." She knew about Chad already. She knew where Chad stood in my life at this time.

"Well, what happened?" She jotted another line on to the pad.

"I literally ran into her. I wasn't paying attention...Oh, I've officially dropped out too. Guess I should mention that." I had dropped out. I had forgotten about that already. It didn't seem important anymore.

[avinox]

First off I have to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have lived in an abusive household and especially with a mother who never took her & her kids' abuse seriously - it's truly a hopeless feeling.

The therapist you saw today was incompetent (abuse is abuse - she should have at least offered some resources or other help) but tbf I'm just happy that you took yourself to the women's center in the first place. It's so hard to do that when in an actively hostile environment, so give yourself some credit for trying!

I do get it if you don't want to try again, though. But I do want to ask: are there other centers you can contact? Is there a way to call this specific center out for not taking domestic abuse seriously? If there is no other choice, imo your goal should be to move out asap if possible (I really hope it is) - you have no idea how much energy I didn't realize my family was sucking out of me until I left.

Good day/night, and I wish you the best.

First of all, I'm sorry you had to go through that 🩵 I'm so happy you're in a better place now

About the therapist, I mean, maybe she wasn't that good? Idk. I only saw her for about 30 minutes and she told me all of that. I wouldn't want to call her incompetent for telling me the truth at least, but I do put up with a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have to so maybe I'm just used to disappointment 🤷🏻‍♀️

My boyfriend had come with me as an emotional support and when I told him what she said, he said something similar to what you said, that she could've done more and that those two things are not that far apart, and that she had to study psychology like the every other therapist and should've known how to progress with me, at least a little bit.

Anyway, she basically told me to exercise and eat and sleep well, and that I should go back to my previous therapist or try to seek one from our healthcare services. I told her I haven't been able to afford my therapist since last year, and for me to get a healthcare therapist I'd have to ask my doctor, and I don't trust him enough to confide in him (he's been a bit negligent with me and other patients in the past). And if I got that, I could get maybe an appointment once every two months, at the very best. Also, I've been told these therapists don't take you very seriously.

There may be other centers I could contact, in other cities, but honestly I'm not in the mood to try again anytime soon, I already feel like a liar and that I exaggerate things for attention. And if I do try again, I'll have to make up a bigger lie for my family.

I don't how I could call them out on that or even if I should, I live in a small village and can understand we don't get resources like that, I was actually surprised they stayed funded with all the changes in the government. I wouldn't want to ruin it for somebody else.

And lastly, yes, that's my plan and has been for a long time. Unfortunately it's not working out that well.

Also, I get what you mean — whenever I stay at my boyfriend's house it's like a mini-vacation: no walking on eggshells, no fighting, no faking it for the outside world... I honestly start feeling like a different person, I have motivation and everything, I can even focus!

And then I come home and it's back to normal.

[blenderbender1811]

Okay, it's not a fic and I haven't seen the full show but I know Sarah Lynn's story so let me take a stab at some head canons.

She was in a coma for a while. She was doing a lot of drugs and so probably did some damage to her body. When she woke up, Bojack was holding her hand and the nurses were RELENTLESS about keeping the paparazzi and anyone she didn't want out of her room. One might or might not have chased a reporter out with a stick. She had a great team that included two addiction specialists - an addiction medicine specialist and an addiction psychiatry specialist. She also had to do some pretty extensive physiotherapy and other physical rehabilitation, which meant no music and no acting. The break from people helped her get some clarity and combined with the fear made her agree to go to rehab. For real this time.

She picks one on the East Coast so she can get away from everyone and everything she knows. She finds she prefers addiction psychiatrists over AA meetings and she keeps in touch with the one from California via online appointments. She has a few relapses but slowly she makes progress.

She keeps turning down offers of work when she gets out and with some support from her therapists, she applies to an architecture program. She can't quite believe she got in but she does and she goes to study that. She makes lots of new friends but she has to stay away from the school party scene after a couple relapses.

She has to learn to interact with people in a healthy way. She kinda has to rebuild from the ground up, because so much of her was shaped by a toxic environment. She's still fun loving and sassy but she's trying to be better.

She gets a new phone and has an extremely limited number of people from California on her contacts now. She doesn't talk to her parents and Bojack is at arm's length but she still loves him. Then that interview with Biscuits comes out and she feels like she can't breathe. Despite everything else she learned in therapy she still trusted Bojack dammit and she feels awful. It's like she got kicked in the gut. She drank a lot that night and then angry ranted to her therapist the next day.

When the reporters come, she decides to let it ALL out. She tears Bojack, her mom, her manager and her stepdad to PIECES. It's impossible to miss if you're online because it's everywhere. She also fights to get ownership of a lot of her stuff back. Some of it is gone for good but she gets a lot of that money going back to her instead of her parents and it's something. She doesn't talk to any of them anymore. She misses Herb.

She moves to New York after she graduates and she ran into Joelle who was there for a theatre show. Joelle asks her about the interview and they end up catching up over tacos. It's not easy but they end up sort of at an understanding that they both got used by the show and they reconcile. After all the other bullshit it's nice to think there's SOMEONE from her old life she can keep.

She lucked out and her first boss is really cool and very protective of her. Don't fuck around with Sarah Lynn or he'll raise hell. Some of the guys gave her a hard time but she's made a few friends there and she's a social person - she comes up with some really good friends around the city. She dates around and finds someone nice - he's an interior decorator and it's almost annoying how sweet he is but it's so nice that he doesn't want anything but her. People who want her for her aren't so rare on the ground anymore. They might have kids and if they do she's going to encourage them to do what they want and make themselves happy.

She sets a lot of boundaries with fans of her's. "I love X song, do you mind signing this CD case" when she's just hanging around? Fine. She doesn't mind those. Following her, interrupting her, being creepy? No, she doesn't put up with that.

She occasionally does a small acting or music thing but only if she's 100% sure she wants to do it. These days though she's more interested in drawing, decorating houses and writing a brutally honest memoir a la Jennette McCurdy. She also weighs in on exactly how toxic child acting can be and how if it's gonna be legal, goddammit protect your kids.

Are there Bojack Horseman fanfics that takes place in an AU where Sarah Lynn survives her overdose? And any where it's enough to scare her into staying sober and cutting Bojack out of her life?

Idk I like to imagine that if she did survive and get herself a proper support system, she'd rip Bojack a new one. In fact, I like to imagine she also rips her mother and step father a new one as she tries to give herself the life she wanted to as opposed to living to appease those around her.

[awstensmind]

march 15, 2pm therapist’s office

awsten wasn’t lying when he told jawn he was nervous for his therapy session that afternoon. if their previous session was anything to go by, he knew that it would be full of difficult questions and acknowledging thoughts and feelings that he really didn’t want to process, even though he knew he needed to eventually. 

the monday before last, awsten stopped at the grocery store to pick up some supplies for himself and jawn, and he bumped into the one person he truly thought he’d never see again - mason. the color drained from his face as the other gave him a forced smile, and he rushed to check out and leave before they could exchange any words.

the interaction, or lack thereof, was the main topic of his therapy session two days later. “how did seeing him make you feel?” “do you think you’ve changed as a person since you were with him?” “if he spoke to you, what do you think he’d say?”

“I was surprised, shocked, even. I didn’t even know he was in town,” awsten started, though he brushed the next question off with a shrug. “not really. he’d probably still hate me just as much, though he’d happily shove an ‘i told you so’ down my throat, that’s for sure,” he dryly laughed, knowing that his biggest concern throughout their relationship was exactly what was currently happening in his life; the fact that he was in a relationship with jawn. 

when their time ran out, sam promised they would pick up their conversation where they left off, and sent the singer on his way with one task for homework: think about his previous relationships and try to summarize how they made him feel with one or two emotions and why. 

leaving jawn in the waiting area with coco when it was time for his appointment the following week, awsten made his way into sam’s office and sat down on the couch opposite her seat with his legs crossed under him. he reached for the fluffy decorative pillow and pulled it onto his lap, a nervous habit he soon picked up when he knew they’d be having difficult conversations. it wasn’t the same as one of the therapy dogs, but it was soft enough to provide a similar comfort. 

“have you thought about your homework? you can start whenever you’re ready, in whichever order you feel comfortable,” sam asked off the bat. awsten always liked her for how she didn’t dance around with small talk, she always cut straight to what she wanted to know. 

awsten nodded at that, taking a sip of water and clearing his throat before speaking up. “uh, grace, I guess. she was the first,” he mumbled, though he hated to think of that and almost excluded her entirely, though he knew sam was aware of the situation. “i don’t like thinking about us, it feels weird now. i’m happy she’s happy, even with how it all happened. uh, i felt really betrayed when it did happen. I’m at peace with it all now, but yeah. so i’d probably say i’m indifferent about it,” he shrugged, meeting sam’s eyes as he spoke.

“ciara was next. she... ruined me the worst. i have a lot of negative feelings about that part of my life, you know that. it doesn’t even feel like it happened to me anymore, it’s like i was watching from the outside. i still remember how it all felt, though. i’m resentful towards her, the way I gave her everything i could and she just... threw it in my face. it kind of empowered me, though. that was the lowest point of my life and i overcame that.”

“mason... i don’t really know what to say, here. i was talking about him with jawn the other day, actually. i was saying how until the last couple months, I really thought i’d found my person. he was all the good things of the others, he was so caring and sweet, trusted me, didn’t manipulate me... until he did. he was so convinced that i’d cheat on him. it made me angry, because he knew about ciara and how she cheated on me. he knew i would never do that. i’ve never felt anger like that. i punched the tour bus. made a huge fucking dent in it, lucas got it fixed so we didn’t have to pay any extra feels but i felt so guilty. I felt pretty demoralized at that. that’s a good word, huh?” he laughed, catching sam’s smile as she nodded her head and took notes, urging him to continue. 

“it’s weird, though. I’d kind of forgotten about all of it until i saw him last week. what he did hurt, but it didn’t really impact me as much compared to her, anyway. i guess that’s good.”

“next is colson. that’s still really fresh for me. i’ve kind of made peace with it ending, i made the right decision for me, there’s no doubt about that, but it still hurts, you know? i... i loved him enough to marry him. ha, again, i was talking to jawn about it.... i realized that i really shouldn’t have married him. there were so many red flags, you know? like... he knew where i stood with alcohol and drugs and he left things lying around the house so i could accidentally end up eating edibles, or he’d pressure me to try drinking alcohol, or he’d beg me to smoke with him. so i did. partly i wanted to cause i knew it wasn’t gonna be as bad as when i ate those edibles and i wanted to have control over it, but fuck, that’s not me. i felt disgusting after. as soon as he left i showered for two hours straight. deep cleaned the house. lit every candle possible. used an entire bottle of mouthwash,” he cringed at the memory, hugging the pillow to his chest. 

“he never cared about what i wanted, and that’s not me being selfish. he just didn’t care unless he was getting something out of it, you know? he didn’t know me at all. you don’t even have to be close to me to know about my fear of heights. what did he surprise me with on the second day of our honeymoon? one of those stupid restaurants in the sky. in the fucking sky!” he laughed, shaking his head at the stupidity of it all. 

“so yeah.  i’m annoyed at myself for not seeing it all sooner, and i could’ve saved myself a lot of money with not having to get divorced or get a new apartment with new furniture, but i’m kind of grateful for it, too. without him, i wouldn’t have met casie. she’s so sweet, she texts me often, i’m planning on taking her out for lunch when she next comes here. she said her dad knows. he obviously needs to, i just hope I don’t have to see him.. my emotions, yes! i’d probably say, right now, i am thankful for what the relationship gave me, but it also makes me feel pretty degraded.. that whole relationship really made my confidence take a hit.”

“you’re with jawn now, hmm? I know this aspect of your relationship is new, but how does it make you feel so far?”

 the smile on awsten’s face couldn’t hide itself at the mention of his boyfriend, his cheeks flushing the smallest amount as he played with the tassels on the pillow. “happy,” he murmured, playfully rolling his eyes at the pointed look sam gave him which means ‘i need more from you.’ “okay, okay... it honestly doesn’t feel all that different to how it used to, before we were together. most of all i feel loved. he knows exactly who i am and he still likes me. he’s seen me at my lowest lows and my highest highs, he’s always right by my side. I feel... safe.”

“that’s wonderful to hear, awsten. it seems like you’re in a great place this week. last week you mentioned that you were wanting to build up the time you spend in the gym. have you been this week?” 

“not yet. I think lucas said he was up for going on friday morning before the few meetings we have. i said okay. I think i want to try and go on my own at some point, but i don’t know when. i’m thinking i could maybe make a routine of it... maybe I could go before therapy on wednesdays. i like the idea of having a set time that i have to be somewhere else so i can’t get carried away with it. maybe i’ll go to the gym and finish with a couple laps in the pool or something.” he suggested to himself, looking up at sam to see where her thoughts were. “I think that’s a great idea, awsten. we can talk about how you feel it went during your sessions afterwards. now, i’m afraid that’s all we have time for today.” 

awsten pouted at that, it wasn’t that he necessarily enjoyed therapy, but he enjoyed talking to sam and bouncing his ideas off her. he sighed, putting the pillow back on the couch as he stood up and thanked her, being sure to take a mint from her desk on his way out, waving a quick bye before heading towards the waiting area.

he smiled at the sight in front of him. jawn, his boyfriend, sitting in the corner of the room with his head in a book, a look of concentration on his face. awsten stood there for a few moments just taking in the other’s appearance, making a note of how adorable he appeared, unaware of anything going on around him. finally caving in, he walked over and pressed a sweet kiss to his cheek, causing jawn to jump. “hi,” he smiled. i love you. 

[toadkisses]

alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

[christowhore]

Redeeming Myself

pairing: chris evans x professor!fem!reader

summary: after breaking your heart and losing your trust, chris makes it his mission to prove to you how much you mean to him.

word count: 6.3k

warnings: age gap (reader is 29, chris is 40), angst, reminiscing on past actions, fluff, talks with therapist, chris makes up for bad behavior, slight alcohol consumption, smut, happy endings, rpf !!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!!

notes: the final installment of Pining for Professor. it was only supposed to be a one shot, but i got inspired and expanded it. it took a while cause writers block, but it’s here. for anyone who has read the series, thank you and hope you enjoy ! 💓🥰

i do not allow the reposting, rewriting or translating of my fics. these are works of my own and i do not give permission for any of the acts stated above.

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SERIES MASTERLIST • MAIN MASTERLIST

For a month and a half following that afternoon, Chris began to go above and beyond to mend his mistakes in an effort to regain your trust.

He knew that he shouldn’t have been forgiven for the hurtful words he hurled at you, the voice he raised, and his cold demeanor through it all. But you forgave him nonetheless, which he was eternally grateful for.

Chris suspected that his venom-laced words still took a toll on your overall being. He sensed it in the way your usual humming was kept to a minimum, as did your soft caresses to his body. The fun facts that you would randomly blurt out had basically become nonexistent.

You hadn’t tried initiating sex with Chris due to still being affected by his actions, which was understandable to the brunette.

He could tell you were being cautious around him, which broke his heart more than he could’ve imagined.

The two of you never really talked in depth about what happened, deciding to push it under the rug and move past it. But ignoring the elephant in the room could only last for so long.

That morning was no different. He had spent the night at your place and decided to wake up and make you breakfast in an effort to mend the faltering relationship.

You woke up to an empty bed, something that you were used to since Chris had always been an early riser. Getting your morning routine out the way, you made your descent downstairs with the smell of pesto guiding you down the steps.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw the sight of your topless boyfriend, donning only a pair of boxers and an apron. You watched as he studiously focused on the skillet in front of him. His intense focus and the sounds of eggs frying in the pan made him oblivious to your arrival.

It wasn’t until you made your way towards the fridge next to him, that he registered your presence. “Morning princess, you sleep well.”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” your voice still a bit gravely from your slumber. You poured yourself a glass of orange juice, ignoring the intense gaze from Chris in your peripheral vision.

He was so used to having you touch him in the mornings. Not so much in a sexual way, but more intimately. The way your lips would ghost against his shoulder blade, your palms would hold his sides and pull him against you so that way you could bask in his warmth. Your arms would wrap around his front until your fingers absentmindedly toyed with his lower abdomen, playing with the wisps of hair on his happy trail.

He missed when you would move your lips until they met the space behind his ears, giving light open mouth kisses. The sound of you whispering ‘Morning daddy’ would leave him awestruck. Even though the words were a regular occurrence for him to hear, it was the way you would say it in your morning voice that made it ten times more special.

Though those actions might seem minuscule to others, they meant the world to him and it was killing him that he hadn’t been able to experience such tender moments with you in a while.

“I’m making breakfast- pesto eggs and some bacon for you. It’ll be done in a minute.”

You nodded along before heading to the table, phone in hand while catching up on your morning news.

It didn’t take long before a steaming plate was placed in front of you, the scent of garlic and basil already making you salivate.

Chris sat besides you and watched as you dug a fork into your meal, a smile reaching his face as he heard your content moans.

The two of you ate in silence, only the sound of soft chewing and utensils hitting your respective plates could be heard.

Every so often, you would feel Chris peek at you, hoping for you to start up a conversation with him like you always did. It’s not like you didn’t want to, it was just that you were still hurting due to his words. You know from a psychological standpoint that there was something going on inside of him that caused him to lash out, which you understood. But it didn’t aid in diminishing your apprehensiveness towards opening up to him, afraid that another fight would break out and hurtful words would again be hurled.

He could sense the internal struggle battling within you so he spoke up, breaking you out from your subconscious.

“I know I’ve been saying this repeatedly over the past few weeks, but I want you to know how sorry I am,” Chris sympathetically stated, “You didn’t deserve what I put you through, the things I said. I just hope that we're able to someday go back to how we were.”

You sat there staring at the man in front of you. Was there a way that the two of you can revert to what once was? Could you actually forgive him?

Not knowing how to properly respond, you simply nodded. A tight lipped smile was evidence that Chris had a lot of making up to do.

Finishing up breakfast, you excused yourself to your office to go and work on your dissertation, leaving the brunette alone with his thoughts.

He knew that he needed to do something big to make up for his actions. He also knew that he needed to figure out why he lashed out on you.

Taking out his phone, he clicked on a saved contact and listened to the dial tone ring in his ear.

“Morning, I’d like to make an appointment as soon as possible. It’s an emergency.”

Chris sat on the plush maroon couch, his eyes getting reacquainted with the familiar setting. The office had a few knick knacks littered around the space. A potted plant here and there. Motivational, yet cheesy posters on the wall. An assortment of magazines on the coffee table.

He hadn’t been here in a while, his usual talks were about his anxiety and dealing with fame. But for this appointment it was about you- specifically how he treated you.

The new topic was foreign to him, resulting in the brunette not knowing how to address it. So he silently sat there as his therapist, Dr. Reynolds, held her pen in her hand and studied his behavior.

“So,” she cautiously started, “What brings you in today?”

Chris sat there twiddling his fingers at her question. There could’ve been a few reasons that brought him in, but the main one was why he said the things he hurled at you.

He proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes recapping the events that had transpired, making sure to not spare any detail. After his spiel, Dr. Reynolds skimmed through her notes that she jotted down during his explanation.

Looking up from her notebook, she locked eyes with the brunette. “Do you think that some of your actions correlate with self-sabotaging behaviors? How, when you opened yourself up to her so suddenly it made you feel scared? Scared that you might need to face those fears that are plaguing you.”

Chris sat there incredulously, “Well- I mean no. I don’t think so.”

The pair talked for over an hour, going over the usual allotted time as they broke down why Chris had acted a certain way.

He realized the anger he felt was a coping mechanism to avoid feeling what he truly felt: fear. Mainly his fear of commitment. Part of him was scared that any future marriage would end up like his parents, in divorce. He feared that you would stop loving him. He feared that he would stop loving you.

And that fear was ultimately pushing you away from him. Which uncovered the biggest fear of all, losing you.

Dr. Reynolds eventually received a knock on her door, indicating a waiting patient, causing their therapy session to be cut and saved for another day.

“Thanks doc, I think I know what I need to do now.”

After some much needed self-reflection made in the meeting with his therapist, Chris knew what he had to do. Leaving the office, he pulled out his phone and dialed his publicist, Megyn.

A few rings later, he went into detail to the blonde about his plan. Not caring about what the press might say, or how his fans might react, he needed to get it done.

She wasn’t too keen on dealing with the impending press that would come from it, but she was happy that he was able to find someone that he truly loved.

He went back to your place that evening with a refreshed mind. The rest of the day went by as usual, you both did your own respective things, the tension still heavy in the air.

As you both started on your own night routine, his main focus was on you. He didn’t even know he stopped brushing and was staring until you snapped your fingers in front of his eyes.

“Earth to Chris, everything alright?” your tone was light and airy, hinted with a bit of joy.

Chris looked at the slight smile on your face and was reminded all over again as to why he fell for you. That smile was something that was so ingrained in his mind that not even old age could make him forget it. It warmed his entire being whenever he was sad and it made him realize he could never take it off your face for the rest of his days.

“Yeah princess,” he whispered, still lost in you, “I’m alright.”

You nodded along to him, though your eyes squinted a bit due to being curious of his change in demeanor. Before he was overly cautious around you, now it seemed as if he couldn’t get enough of you.

Before you could set your toothbrush down and set out for bed, he stopped you with a hand on your elbow, pulling you into him. Not caring that there were still dribbles of toothpaste in his mouth, he leant down and attached his lips to yours.

The kiss was soft, he was desperate to feel your softness against him though wasn’t trying to rush the act in any way. Moving his hand up, he held onto your cheek in an effort to pull you even closer than you already are.

The smell of your lavender night cream instantly calmed him, making him feel safe in your embrace and absentmindedly smiling into the kiss.

Chris finally pulled away, only slightly, to look down on you with a dopey grin. “God I’m in love with you.”

For the first time in weeks, a genuine smile reached your face to match the man across from you.

“I love you too love bug,” you sighed against his lips, “You probably should’ve rinsed your mouth though, I can taste your toothpaste.”

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest, “Sorry, just got caught up in the moment.”

Chris kept you secured in his arms as he continued to stare down at you. There was something different about him, specifically the way his gaze was directed at you. Though you were not complaining.

“How about we bring back date night? I can cook and we can finally sit and talk to one another like we used to.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest at his pleas. It had been a while since you two sat down and basked in each other’s presence. The thought had you hopeful that things could go back to normal.

“I would love that,” you began, “How about Friday? I have a test for a few of my classes this week so we can do it once I’m all free.”

Chris smiled down at you with eyes evident of his admiration for you, “Friday is perfect.”

The rest of the week went on rather differently than previous ones. Your touches came back to his body, fingertips grazing alongside him whenever he was close. Chris would regularly kiss your cheek or top of your shoulder anytime he had the chance.

You did take notice of him on his phone a lot, part of it filled you with uneasiness but the rational part of your brain told you it wasn’t something to ponder too much over, so you let it go.

Chris had been spending the entire week making sure that his plan was rolling smoothly. He had the entire date night planned to a T. He informed his family about it, who were ecstatic for him, making his own mother tear up due to how happy she was. He made sure to have everything ready at the house so that everything would be successful.

The day of the planned affair, you were stuck in your home office grading the last set of tests before being able to officially clock out for the evening. Inputting the grades into Blackboard, you were brought out of focus due to the sounds of buzzing from your phone. Picking up the device, you unlocked it and saw the incoming text from your boyfriend.

Chris: Baby, I know you’re still probably finishing up, but dinner will be ready at my place at around 7. I put something on your bed for you to wear. See you soon!

The endearing message made you smile and also feel a bit elated. You missed the intimate moments shared between you and Chris. The loving looks sent your way, the delicious food and engaging conversations. But most importantly, you missed the sex. Before, the two of you were like jackrabbits, the longest you both went without getting hot and heavy was about 2 days. Now going on over two months, you were becoming insatiable.

Quickly inputting the final test scores in your online grade book, you got ready for your night in with Chris. Heading up the stairs, you walked into your room to be hit with a bit of nostalgia. Laying on the bed was the same black dress that you wore on your first date with him.

With the amount of dresses you had in your wardrobe, it was a shock that he was able to find the specific one you wore that night. The sentiment warmed your heart and filled you with hope.

Rushing to get ready, you went and got dressed, making sure that you appeared your best before heading out.

It was only a quick drive to his home, before you were sat in his driveway.

Your mind was plagued with worry. You feared that if this night didn’t go well, then it would ultimately mean the end of your relationship with the man. Taking in a deep breath, you calmed your nerves before exiting the vehicle and made the trek towards his front door.

Using the house key you still had attached to your own ring set, you unlocked the door and walked in though you didn’t get far when the sight before you made you stop and gasp.

Starting from the front door laid a trail of rose petals leading you through the house. The thoughtful effort made tears begin to form in your eyes and your breath unsteady.

Following the trail, the same smells of vegetables sautéing brought you back to that time over a year ago.

Once you made it inside the kitchen, you saw Chris with an apron adorning his massive frame on top of his suit. Once he took notice of your arrival he turned around and smiled at you. “There you are sweetheart. I was waiting for you to show.”

He turned down the fire before gliding towards you, about to reach down and kiss you when you beat him to it.

Grabbing a hold of either side of his face, you slammed your lips to his; the action surprising you both. You delivered him repeated pecks which caused the brunette to laugh between every one of your kisses.

Getting enough of your intimate fill, you pulled away from him and looked up. “What’s the special occasion? I mean I know it’s date night, but still.”

Chris brought his hands down to rest on the dip of your back before pulling you in closer to him. The action caused your neck to crane up to look directly into his eyes.

“I wanted to make things right with my best girl.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at the slight Captain America reference before delivering another kiss, “Thank you, I love it.”

The meal went according to plan, the two of you enjoying the same shrimp scampi dish he made on your first date together.

You were sipping on your glass of wine when you heard Chris speak up.

“Though I’ve said it more times than either of us can count, I need you to know how regretful I am of how I acted.”

You sighed at his words, “Chris, I said it’s-”

“No, it’s not okay (Y/N),” he interrupted you, “It wasn’t okay for me to lash out at you. It wasn’t okay for me to hurt your feelings.”

“Tonight, I tried to recreate our first date together to show you just how much you mean to me.”

Chris had rehearsed what he was planning on saying for the past few days, but here now in this moment he couldn’t remember a single prepared line. So he just decided to follow his heart.

“(Y/N). The day I met you, it was one of the greatest days of my life. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but fate brought us together- well I guess I should say Ma did with her insisting.”

His words caused you to chuckle, “I can see where you got your determination. She really didn’t quit until she finally got us in the same room.”

The memory of Lisa bringing you two together that afternoon warmed both of your hearts.

“That day we met was the day I knew that there was no one else in the world that would matter to me as much as you would. Every single day that I get the pleasure of seeing that look on your face will forever make me the luckiest man on the Earth. So when I hurled those words at you and took that smile away, it made me feel horrendous.”

You didn’t even realize you had started crying until you felt the warmth of your tears sliding down your cheeks.

Chris reached across the table and curled his fingers around your hand, slightly stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend that I could be. I realized that my own fears of commitment caused me to take out my frustrations out on you, and absentmindedly pushed you away. But I realized that pushing you away was the last thing I ever wanted to happen.”

He felt his heart rate race and his organ beat heavily in his chest, his anxiety slowly rising.

“You are the greatest thing to happen to me. You make the worst days seem minuscule whenever you’re around. I love the way you’re able to always help push me through any obstacle I face, no matter how big or small it may be. The way you easily get along with my crazy family. And I love how you make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine anytime I kiss you.”

Chris felt his hands begin to sweat. One of his hands clasped onto yours, while the other held onto the small box in his left pocket of his slacks.

“A few days ago I had a session with my therapist about you. And during it I realized how much I care about you, and how losing you, even though it was brief, was the worst thing I had ever experienced.”

Slowly standing up on shaky legs, he brought you up with him.

“I had to secretly figure out the right size while you were sleeping the other night,” he began to joke, “You don’t know how hard it was to get the measurement done considering how light of a sleeper you are.”

You felt your heart pound in your chest. You suspected that something was different about his behavior and this evening, and your suspicions were slowly coming to light.

“I can’t ever experience the feeling of not having you by my side again. Waking up to a cold bed and not seeing the way your nose would sometimes crunch up while you're deep in a dream is something I never want to go through again.”

Chris reached into his pocket of his pants and pulled out a cherry red box. The sight of the gold inscription labeling 'Cartier' made your breath catch in your throat and tears fall freely down your face.

The height difference was changed when he steadily dropped down on his left knee, his tear filled blue eyes looking up at you.

“(Y/N), you make me the happiest man in the world. And I know it’s a stereotypical line for me to say, but it’s true. I love how you’re able to bring the best out of me and everyone around you. I love how you love everyone unconditionally. God, I love how fucking breathtaking you are. I am in love with everything about you.”

Letting go of your hand, he held the box in his grasp before cracking it open. The action caused your hands to cover your mouth and you to bend at the knees. With the aid of the lights around the room, it unveiled to you a marquise cut diamond. One either side were two stones. On the left was a pearl, indicating his June birthstone. The other side showed your gemstone, the rocks pairing perfectly with one another.

“So,” Chris began with a shaky breath, “(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you do me the honor and make me the luckiest person in the world. Will you marry me?”

Your body shook with sobs as you nodded along to his question.

“Wait, are you saying yes?” Chris asked, excitement evident in his tone. “I don’t know if that’s you nodding yes or no.”

Removing your hands from your face you grasped on to your now fiancé’s, “Yes, I would love to marry you.”

Chris didn’t even get the chance to put the ring on you before raising up and slamming his lips against yours. Both of you tasting the salty tears that expelled from the other.

It was his turn to lay a continuous stream of kisses to your lips. Soft chants of ‘thank you’ leaving his mouth between every one.

Pulling away, he retrieved the ring from its box as you held up your left hand. You watched as he slid the band down your finger until it situated perfectly against the base. A content sigh left the both of you.

Chris brought your hand up and kissed the back of it and then your ring finger before locking eyes with you.

You two stayed like that for a while, your gaze flicking back and forth between each other’s lips until finally you two connected them.

This time, the embrace was intimate, more passion filled. Your hands folded against the nape of his neck, the coolness of the gold band making him smile with contentment.

With his hands holding onto your hips, he guided you back until you were met with resistance from the wall behind you; the sudden force causing you to lightly grunt into his mouth.

Lowering his hands until his palms rested on the back of your thighs, he tapped on your skin, an unspoken request for you to jump. While securing your hold on his neck, you jumped up and rested in his palms. With you in his hands, Chris began to walk the two of you towards his bedroom. Since Dodger was staying at his mom's house, he didn’t bother closing the door, not worrying about any sudden intrusion.

Your mouth was still attached to Chris when he laid you down, you head against the soft pillow on the plush bed. His frame towering over you as he shook off the suit jacket from his body, kicked off his shoes and toed his socks away.

“I love you so much (Y/N),” he swooned through kisses.

“I love you too Chris.”

Untying the front of your wrap dress, the silk material fell to the sides of your body, revealing your figure which was only covered by a thin, lace pair of underwear. The sight of your half naked self made him growl down at you in desire.

Removing his lips from yours, he descended down your body, leaving kisses in his wake.

“You’re all mine.”

His lips kissed around your taut nipple, his tongue poking out to flick at your pert bud.

“Forever and always.”

You felt him leaving traces of wetness from open-mouth kisses on your abdomen.

“The love of my life.”

His fingers dug into the sides of your thong before dragging it down your legs.

“My beautiful fiancé.”

You breathing hitched as you felt his warm breath fan across your exposed cunt. The hot air was a stark contrast to the cool slick of your dripping wetness.

“The future Mrs. Evans.”

And with that, Chris flattened out his tongue before running a long stripe up your pussy, lapping up your wetness until he curled it around your clit. “Oh fuck, Chris.”

How exhausting the sexual hiatus that you experienced with the brunette was evident due to how you were squirming on the bed. Your hands spread throughout the sheets, gripping and tugging in an effort to gain some form of steadiness. Over two months without having him on you had you mewling into the air. “Please baby, don’t stop.”

With his tongue occupied, Chris continued to devour you. His tongue alternated between long drags and quick flicks between your folds. You felt the tip of his tongue prod at your opening in a desperate attempt to taste more of you- to feel more of you.

Removing his mouth, he heard you begin to groan in disappointment before it turned into a moan when he spat on your cunt then suctioned his lips around your clit. With one hand holding your stomach down, he used the other to enter your soaking hole with his index and middle fingers.

Chris was gentle with his digits inside of you, dragging his pads alongside your ways, stroking your contracting walls and feeling every ridge. Once he was knuckle deep, he scissored your cunt, basking in the sounds of your squelching around his fingers paired with your content moans of relief.

He replaced his mouth with his thumb, using the limb to draw slow, tortuous circles on your mound as he watched you fall into the deep recesses of ecstasy.

He observed your neck stretch back, exposing a slightly bulging vein running up the expanse. The way your lips quivered as your moans flew freely out. Your legs began to shake when he hit the spot he was all too familiar with deep in your core.

“Look at me,” Chris demanded, his Boston accent evident in his request, “Need’a watch my pretty girl cum all over my fingers.”

The eye contact with the brunette was intense, more fierce than ever experienced before, but you reveled in every second of it. You noticed how his pupils had become blown out, only showing a small ring of blue surrounding the black.

You tried to keep the gaze locked until you felt your orgasm come full force through your body like a tidal wave. “Christopher!”

Upon hearing your screech of desire and feeling your essence begin to soak his digits, he replaced his thumb back with his mouth, longing to taste every single drop of your sweetness. His fingers continued to pump inside of you, prolonging your release and causing more of your juices to flow into and around his mouth.

Chris finally removed his fingers to drink more of you until you attempted to feebly push his head away, the orgasm causing you to lose most of your strength.

“Sorry princess, you know Daddy just can't get enough of you,” Chris moaned as he licked your essence off his lips.

He rose up your lower half and hovered over you staring down at your exhausted self. You mustered the power to raise your arms and grasp his face in your hands before bringing him down to connect lips once more.

The kisses were lecherous, the both of you yearning to taste every single part of the other. Your tongue was firm against his as he massaged yours while you swallowed each other's moans.

Your body felt on fire with the way his large hands were massaging and caressing every inch of your exposed skin. His fingers digging into your softness and pulling you flush against his frame.

Taking your hands away from his face, you began to unbutton his dress shirt, peeling away the material until it unveiled his tattooed chest. Your fingers tracing the large design on his chest before making its way down to his belt, unbuckling it in the process.

Dragging the leather through the loops and away from his body, you unzipped his trousers before reaching in to palm his obvious erection. The action made the man above you keen against your tongue. “I wanna taste you Chris.”

With your thighs around his hips, you nudged him until your positions were switched. His head against the same pillow, he watched as you tugged down the material on his lower half, leaving the two of you completely bare for one another.

You laid down on your stomach between his legs before grabbing hold onto the base of his cock, drawing a hiss from Chris.

His head craned back at the feel of your wet mouth tonguing his length, the wet muscle licking a stripe from the base to his tip. “Ohh- that's it baby.”

You collected your spit before it dripped from your mouth and on his head, the liquid cascading down the massive length. Using it for your advantage, you began to stroke him while attaching your lips around his tip. Your tongue flicked his slit while drinking up his precum.

“God, I love you so much (Y/N).”

Removing one of your hands, you began to swallow his length, stroking off what you couldn’t take down. His moans and groans only stir you on as you bask in the feel of him throbbing in your mouth. With your free hand, you began to palm at his balls; the action making him grip the sheets as well as tenderly holding the side of your head.

His mouth was parted, showing only his tongue, as he panted out. “That’s it baby, such a good girl for me.”

Chris felt his peak slowly approaching, the buildup steadily growing with every swipe of your tongue, suction from your lips and tug at his balls. Though he would’ve loved to release down your throat and watch your mouth milk his balls, he wanted- needed to feel your warmth surrounding him as he coated your walls.

He went to unlatch you from his cock and raise you towards him. “I need to feel you,” he breathed out, “I miss the feel of you around me (Y/N).”

You crawled up his body til you were straddling his hips. Reaching down, you pumped his length a few times before positioning it for entry. The second you began the descent and his head met the resistance from your cunt, you both groaned out.

Chris couldn’t wait any longer so he brought his hands to your hips and fully sank you down on him, sheathing his entire cock inside of you. The action made you lurch forward with your hands planting themselves on his chest in search of stability.

“Oh that’s it princess,” professed Chris, “Missed this tight fucking cunt choking my cock. Missed you so goddamn much.”

With the help of his hands on your hips, you began to slowly work yourself on his dick. Every rise and fall of your hips made you experience the delectable feel of his veined shaft drag against your channel.

“Oh Christopher,” you cooed as you felt him throb inside of you.

“That’s it princess, I’m right here.”

You brought your hands from off of him and covered his large ones. Removing them from your body, you intertwined digits. The new position of your hands allowed the newly added engagement ring to gleam under the light.

If he had a camera, he would’ve wanted to capture the beauty of you in that moment. Every buck of your hips caused your breasts to bounce, the action enticing him even more than already. The sweat that began to form on your body caused your body to shine from the bedroom lights, making your body appear as if it were glowing.

He wanted to frame the glorious sight of you, but he decided to settle with the fact of knowing he would be able to recreate this exact moment for the rest of his life. Recreate with you as husband and wife.

He rose up from the mattress and maneuvered your legs to wrap around his waist before sitting on his haunches. The new position of your naked chest pressed up against his own while he fucked you on his cock was a sort of intimacy that couldn’t be explained.

The closeness of your faces allowed you to feel each other’s breaths warm your features. You could see pupils being blown, feel the sweat dripping off one another, and hear every single sound that escaped the other's mouth.

Attaching his lips to yours, Chris moaned into your mouth. “That’s it baby, cream all around my cock. Milk me til I fill you up with my cum.”

The heels of your feet dug into his lower back and your fingertips gripped onto his neck, leaving scratches in its wake.

You knew for certain that you would have bruises on your waist with the way he had latched onto you, raising you up and down his length.

With every thrust, your sweaty skin slapped together as his balls spanked up against your ass.

“Ahh baby, I- fuck Chris I’m almost there.”

“I know (Y/N), I’m right behind you.”

A few more harsh thrusts as his tip slammed against your g-spot and you were suddenly slammed into the blissful abyss of your orgasm. The tightness of your contracting walls caused Chris to achieve his own release. The shouting sounds of you two reaching your respective peaks echoed throughout the room.

Warmth flooded your body and your cunt as you felt Chris’s cock shoot ribbons of his seed deep into you. He continued to drag you along his length, hoping to prolong the glorious feeling of your pussy throbbing around him.

After the sensation of your peak began to wane, he fell back against the mattress, bringing you down with him.

The two of you laid there in each other’s arms, basking in the warmth radiating off the other.

Chris strokes your back, long traces of his thumb running along your spine as you both regain your breath.

“I’m in love with you (Y/N). So goddamn much.”

Still a little too spent, you nodded while your hands toyed around with his chest.

While you two sat there, a realization popped into the brunette's head, making him begin to stand up. “I’ll be right back.”

You watched his ass jiggle with every step out of the room, the sight making you chuckle. When he returned, he held his phone in his hand.

“Seriously Christopher, you wanna make a sex tape right now?”

A boisterous laughter left him at your assumption, “No sweetheart, not that.”

Chris sat back next to you on the bed as he scrolled through his phone gallery. After a few flicks on his thumb, he finally found the photo that you two took on your first date. You were as beautiful as ever, smiling at the camera as he looked in awe at you.

You watched as he loaded up Instagram and clicked on the plus sign to create a new post. “Chris, what are you doing?”

“Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”

Choosing the desired photo, he went to begin typing out his caption that would unveil you to the world.

chrisevans: A little over a year ago this photo was taken on our first date. I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that’s why I eagerly asked you to be mine. (Y/N) you make me the happiest man that I could be. I know this past year and a half has been a tough one, especially with everyone in the world claiming that they were dating me while I kept you in the shadows, but enough is enough. There’s no one else that I would rather be with. There’s no one in this entire world that holds a candle to you. To your beauty, your kindness, your everything. You are the love of my life. As of tonight, my fiancé. And soon to be my wife. I love you more than words can describe princess. (Y/@/N)

Chris finished typing out his message before looking down at you, silently asking for approval. He watched as your index finger raised up and clicked on the share button, indicating the end of your secrecy.

A dopey smile made his face before he looked at you, phone in hand, “Now, about that sex tape.”

You laughed at his joke as he made his way to kiss you once more. The embrace was full of contentment due to knowing that things were back to normal with a growing relationship full of unwavering love, reinstated trust, and pure happiness.

A/N: and that's a wrap folks. thank you to everyone who read this series.

also i would like to say that this is in no way an indication of chris evans personality or character. this is just fiction.

if you enjoyed this, please make sure to reblog and comment. feedback is much appreciated !

* divider credits : @firefly-graphics *

[erodasfishtacos]

harry adores yn with his entire being and i can tell that she loves him just as much but the poor thing is just so scared, and by what you have showed us she has a fair reason to have struggles

Through Hell and Back

warnings: cheating, mentions of domestic violence, this could just be overall triggering if you have experienced trauma or family struggles.

this is a very important blurb to understand dynamic and history of the characters.

PLEASE let me know your thoughts.

—

Harry’s out at a bachelor party for his friend, Jack, at a noisy bar downtown where there is a mechanical bull and half-naked waitresses.

His phone rings at two-thirty in the morning, he already knows who it is and why she’s calling him so late.

He steps outside the noisy bar, “Hi puppy, y’alright?”

Harry already knew she wasn’t.

Her voice is shaky, “Er, are you still out at the bachelor party?”

If he says yes, she’ll just try to say have fun and was just calling to check in - a lie because she felt like such an inconvenience at all times.

“No, just got home,” He lied smoothly, he could hear her trying to hide a sniffle - she must have had a bad dream.

Every since she started trauma therapy, they’d been getting worse, as she worked through her struggles with a therapist.

—

“I-I don’t want to g-go in,” YN whimpers as she sits in Harry’s passenger side outside the clinic, “I can’t talk about it.”

“Baby, you need to do this. You need to talk to someone who’s trained to help you, okay? You promised you’d try it f’me,” He hums, rubbing a thumb over her wet cheekbone.

She shakes her head stubbornly, “It’s all going to come back.”

“Yes, it will. Because you didn’t work through it, you repressed it. There is a difference, okay?” Harry’s heart feels like it’s being ripped in two as YN looks like a caged animal.

YN squeezes Harry’s hand so hard it hurts but he doesn’t mind, he can feel her fear being shared through the rough touch.

She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, “Please, H. I don’t want to remember.”

He sighs softly, “I would never force you to do something you don’t want to do. If you really want to leave, we can.”

YN searches his eyes, sees his sadness and she knows she has to push through because she loves him so much, “Will you walk me in?”

“Of course, s’fucking proud of you. My strong girl,” Harry praises, kissing the top of her head, and shutting off the car.

He walks her in, watches her as she hesitantly goes back in with her new therapist, and sits in the waiting room for the hour and a half until she comes out.

He does that every week without miss.

Drives her, walks her in, sits in the waiting room, and then drives her home.

She doesn’t usually talk much after the sessions, her eyes swollen and puffy which is a telltale sign she cried during the appointment.

Harry holds her hand on the ride home, sometimes draws her a bath or tucks her in for a nap under his covers.

One day, after therapy, they crawled into his bed together. She hadn’t said one word since she walked out of the office but she looks tiredly at Harry.

“Why?”

Harry frowns, “Why what?”

She hides her face into the fluffy pillow, words mumbled, “Why do you want me? I’m so broken.”

“Hey,” Harry responds loudly, pulling her up and giving her a serious look, “You are not broken. Even if you were, I’d love every broken piece, okay? I want you because I’m so in love with you it doesn’t make sense.”

YN shakes her head, “I don’t deserve you. You-you have to drive me to therapy every week, leave work early, have to make it up the next day.”

And well, his heart breaks a little because she truly believes that.

Harry grips her jaw, gently, “If you need to go to therapy for the rest of your life, I’ll drive you until I’m ninety. I’ll drive you five days a week if you need it.”

He continues,“I don’t deserve you, sweet girl. Strongest, bravest, most resilient person I’ve ever met. You are my soulmate and I believe that wholeheartedly.”

“I want to nap now,” She whispers, crawling back into her shell where she’s safe from the world, from facing her fears.

Harry just stares at her, the girl he’s had a crush on since fourth grade, the girl he’d been in love with since ninth.

When she felt broken, well so did he.

—

“Mum, I want to do more for her,” Harry cries to his mother one night at dinner after school.

“I know you do, Harry. There is only so much you can do. She has parents tha-“

“Those aren’t parents, mum! You know that!” He shouts angrily, “I need to do more for her. Help her!”

Anne looks at him with a soft, understanding expression, “You’re doing all you can, Harry.”

—

He was still doing all he can.

“I wa-was wondering if you wanted to come over and watch a movie?” YN acts casual despite the tremor but he won’t call her on it - on the phone at least.

“I’d love to pup, I’ll be over on a tick,” already walking away from the busy bar.

Harry can hear the relief in her voice when she says, “Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

When he uses his key to open the door, she sat on her couch with all the lights in the house on, not one off.

“Oh, pet,” Harry murmurs, all the blinds were drawn shut and he knew she’d already triple checked that the windows were locked - despite the state of the art security system he had installed for her.

“Um, so are we feeling a scary movie or romcom?” She ignores his words, picking up the remote, and pulling up Netflix.

He flicks a couple of the bright lights off until it’s normal dim and he sits next to her on the couch, taking the remote and turning off the television.

“Talk t’me,” Harry coaxes, unraveling her from the heavy weighted blanket, and tugging her into his chest.

“M’fine,” YN lies on a choked whimper.

“Y’safe, you know I’d never let anythin’ happen to you . Please puppy, tell me,” He’s not to manly to beg for her to open up.

He allows her to nuzzle her face into his neck, “He cam-came back an-and he -,” her voice drops, “broke in here and I wo-woke up as he was opening my door.”

Harry holds her for a very long time that night.

-

With Harry and her therapist’s constant encouragement she’d been able to be more open and up front with Harry - which made him feel unexaplainably proud of her.

Anna almost fucked everything up, all the hard work without even realizing it.

It was nearly three in the morning this time.

Harry was stuck at Anna’s house with her and her friends for a movie night.

He’d gotten up to go to the bathroom when his phone rings.

Anna sees who it is and picks it up, “What do you want? Harry’s busy and doesn’t have time for you right now. You know it’s not all about you, right?”

Then she hangs up, all of her and her friends giggling at how she just treated YN.

Harry is unaware of the call for a few minutes when he gets back until he gets a text from YN.

I’m sorry I bothered you. I am okay. Have fun tonight x

He scrolls through his phone in confusion until he sees the call, he glares over at Anna, “Did you answer my phone?”

She has a cocky look on her face, “Yeah, I told YN that the world doesn’t revolve around her and to leave us alone.”

All the friends are giggling - but that comes to an abrupt halt when Harry stands up, knocking over the little table of drinks with his anger, “Where the fuck did you get the idea that you could touch my phone, let alone answer it?”

All of them are quiet.

He scoffs, “Now all you annoying prats are going shut up? Get the fuck out of my way,” he orders to Anna who’s pouting.

“C’mon, it was a joke. Don’t leave,” She whines, grabbing at Harry’s arm which he instantly rips out of her grip.

“Don’t touch me. I can’t fuckin’ stand you,” He tells her honestly before storming out of her house without a look back at her teary face.

-

When he arrives at YN’s house, a book is automatically been hurled at the front door when he opens it, then another.

“Hey, puppy, stop tha’. S’just me, you’re okay. S’just me,” He coos, rearming the security system to make her feel better.

She is only in one of his shirts with the company logo on it and soft cotton boy shorts, hair frizzy atop her head.

“Y’have another nightmare?” Harry asks softly, all the lights were on again, every single one.

YN clenches her jaw, “No.”

He hardens his expression too, “I was in the bathroom when she answered that call. As soon as I found out, I came over here. Don’t be sour with me.”

“I didn’t have a nightmare.”

“I know y’bloody lying because your legs are still tremblin’. Now cut the bullshit and talk t’me, we’re not going backwards,” Harry tells her seriously, with all firmness he can muster.

“I love you.”

It takes him aback. YN told him how much she adored him but it was something that didn’t come easy for her.

To hear it flat out, well….he nearly almost melted on the floor into a pile of goop.

“I love you too, puppy.”

She takes a deep breathe, “It’s been that same nightmare, but it’s not really a nightmare? It’s a flashback to…”

YN swallows before she continues, “Remember when….when I ran from my parent’s house to yours and my dad came and found me…”

Harry doesn’t want to remember but he does.

—-

“Harry, he-he just pulled up,” YN cries, peeking out his window, “I don’t want to go home.”

“Harry, he’s screaming at your mum. I have to go.”

“Harry, I have to go before he does something stupid. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Harry, don’t cry. I’ll be fine, he’s just really upset. I’ll just deal with it and it will be over before we know it, okay?”

——

“I remember,” He wavers like he normally doesn’t, feeling like a helpless sixteen year old again.

It was moments like this were no matter how hard he wanted to be angry or scream at her for making their relationship so difficult, that he couldn’t be.

How could he blame her for her commitment issues?

Why she struggles to trust?

Why she never feels good enough?

“I’m sorry to bring that up-“

“Do not apologize,” Harry interrupts, “I want to know everything you experience or feel no matter how traumatic or upsetting.”

YN despite her own struggles, when she heard Harry say things like that…well she knew full heartedly that he loves her with no conditions.

She knew this was so hard on him, “I am so in love with you, H.”

His eyes automatically soften and he reacts like he’s being praised. His face lights up without him even knowing it does.

“I’ve been in love with you since I was sixteen, thank you for being my person. I appreciate everything you do for me.”

It was something she had been also working on in therapy, expressing gratitude- specifically to Harry.

And it works because Harry actually starts tearing up, eyes watering with emotion, “I love you. I’d walk through hell and back for you.”

He would and he has.

[kimoralov3]

Oh Come On!

Requested by: @thestorycfus

Word Count: 3134

Pairing: Erik Lehnsherr x mutant!black!fem!reader

Warnings: this is long as shit, lot of swearing, some questionable stuff ngl, takes a while to get to stuff but trust me it's worth it, my usual bad writing, erik being a dick, reader not taking his shit, use of mutant abilities

Read it on AO3

Y/N’s POV

Am I a civilized person? Of course, I am. Do I know how to properly handle my emotions? Absolutely, I am an adult after all. But this one motherfucker is enough to tear all that composer down. I hate to admit this, but that person is Erik Lehnsherr. To most of us, he helped save mutants. But to me, he’s a gigantic pain in the ass. He criticizes every little thing I do, even the simple things like making coffee. I just wish that someone would make him shut up, though hopefully, that person will be me one day.

As I walked into the conference room, there he stood, looking as smug as he always does. I greeted everyone — except for him — before sitting in my seat. “Where’s Charles? He’s usually not late to these meetings.”

“He said he has to miss out on this one, unfortunately. He had to go meet with a potential student’s parents, but he left me in charge. Let’s get started, shall we?” Raven said as she turned on the projector. The screen showed a man, probably in his mid 30’s walking down the street. “This if Jefferson DaVis. For the most part, he seems normal, but there have been a few witness reports of strange things happening around him.”

“What kind of strange things?” Asked Erik.

“It seems like he’s giving off some sort of electric field, so any interaction of his with something such as a TV causes a small fire,” Raven explained.

“That’s really unfortunate,” Alex mumbled. “So what’s the mission?”

“Well DaVis is a couples therapist, so the only way to get him to talk to us is to have two of you pose as a couple and go to an appointment with him. Once in, you’ll convince him to come here so we can properly train him on how to use his powers.”

“Sounds easy. So, who’s the unhappy couple?” I asked as I leaned back in my chair.

Raven hesitated for a moment, looking around the room before answering. “You and Erik.” She mumbled softly.

“I beg your fucking pardon?” I said in shock, my eyes going as wide as the moon.

“I’m sorry, you’re going to have to repeat that for me. Are you saying I have to pretend to be in love with her?” Erik seethed as he pointed at me.

“Gee, thanks for the compliment,” I said sarcastically.

“Look, I know you two hate each other for some odd reason, but that makes you perfect for this mission! I mean, you already argue like a couple, so why not put that to use? Come on guys, it won’t be that bad. You guys can stand each other for one mission, right?” Raven asked as she looked between the two of us.

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Why does it always have to be me? “Fine, for this guy’s sake, I’ll do it. But he throws one insult my way, I will be throwing him out a fucking window. Got it?” I directed that last part towards Erik, looking him directly in the eye. He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“How classy of you.” He remarked.

—

Erik’s POV

This has quickly become my least favorite mission that I’ve been assigned to. It’s bad enough that I had to travel to the middle of nowhere, but on top of that, I have to travel with the person I can’t stand? It’s ridiculous.

“Are you going to keep staring at me like you want to murder me or are you going to open the door like a gentleman?” Y/N asked as we stood outside of DaVis’ office.

“Are you trying to make this more difficult for me, or are you naturally a nuisance?” I asked as I opened the door. Y/N shrugged as she walked into the building.

“I don’t know; do you enjoy purposefully being an ass or were you just born that way?” She asked with a quirked brow. How much longer am I going to have to suffer through being near her? I ignored her question and walked up to the receptionist’s desk.

“Hello, my name is Erik Lehnsherr. We should have an appointment scheduled for a few minutes from now.” I explained to her. She nodded and typed something into her computer.

“Ah, yes, here you are! Mr. and Mrs. Lehnsherr. I’ll let Dr. DaVis know that you’re here. You and your wife can have a seat right over there.” The receptionist pointed towards the waiting area before heading down the hallway.

Y/N was sitting on the couch, so I decided to sit as far away from her as possible in this tiny space. “Don’t worry, I don’t have cooties. Though you might want to get checked out.” She said from behind her magazine.

“Real mature,” I mumbled before looking towards the clock. If only I could make the time move faster. I thought as the hands slowly chased each other around. A few minutes later, the receptionist came back to collect us.

“Sorry for the wait. If you two will just follow me.” She said politely as she gestured down the hallway.

Y/N and I got up, following her down the hallway. DaVis stood in front of his office, waiting to greet us. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Lehnsherr, it’s a pleasure to meet the two of. If the two of you could go ahead and take a seat, I need to have a quick word with my receptionist.” He said as we walked up to him. We both sat down in the chairs in front of the big wooden desk, giving each other a quick hateful glare.

DaVis quickly ended his conversation with the receptionist, closing the door and taking a seat at his desk. “So what seems to be the problem with the two of you’s relationship?” He asked as he fixed his blazer.

“There’s no problem, Dr..” Y/N quickly responded.

DaVis chuckled before leaning back in his chair slightly. “Oh really? Because from what my receptionist told me, the two of you were arguing the moment you stepped into this building. Not only that, but the two of you sat on completely opposite sides of the room as if you were strangers. If I hadn’t already talked to Mr. Xavier about why the two of you were here—”

“I’m sorry, you talked to Charles?” I asked in confusion.

“Why of course, he’s the one who set this meeting up after all. He told me that this was the only way to get the two of you to stop bickering and actually listen to each other.” DaVis explained.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that we were set up? I can’t believe this.” Y/N scoffed.

“Mr. Xavier said that the two of you might respond poorly if you knew the truth, so he came up with a fake mission to get you down here.”

“So you knew that we were here to offer you help?” I asked.

“I know that that’s what you were told, but in fact, I don’t your help. I have my powers very under control. Now let’s talk about the two of you. Why do you hate each other?”

There was a moment of silence before Y/N spoke up. “I’m not fucking doing this.” She stood up and rushed over to the door, jiggling the handle. “Why won’t this stupid door open?”

“My receptionist locked it from the outside. She’s been instructed not to open the door until I tell her to. Now sit down so we can get started, please.”

—

Y/N’s POV

I can’t believe Charles set me up like this. When I see him again, I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. I quietly sat back down in my seat, but I made sure that they both knew I wasn’t happy about it.

“So, Y/N, Erik, it seems that you two have a lot of problems with each other. What might those problems be?” DaVis asked once I had sat back down.

“Well frankly, I don’t have a problem. I just prefer to associate myself with people who have a bit of… class.” Erik said, waving his hand around in the air as if he was thinking about what he was saying.

“Oh, I’m the one who doesn’t have class? At least I don’t turn my nose up at someone without even having properly gotten to know them. Unlike you, I prefer to make judgments about people after we’ve had a conversation.” I said in disbelief.

“Maybe that’s why no one likes you. The best way to form an opinion on someone is to judge them from the moment you see them. And when I saw you for the first time, well, let’s just say that I could already tell you were nothing but an immature child posing as an adult.”

“Immature?! We’re the same age, Lehnsherr. God, I thought you were just a prick, but you’re straight up delusional. Y’know, maybe that’s why—”

“Enough! Both of you! God, I thought Charles was exaggerating when he said you two go at each other like wild animals, but it appears as if he was right. You’re both acting like children! How do you expect to have successful missions with each other if you can’t go five seconds without hurling insults at each other?” DaVis yelled as he slammed a hand on the table.

“Well if she wasn’t so—” Erik began.

“If the next word out of your mouth is an insult I swear to god,” DaVis said as he glared at Erik. “Look, I understand that the two of you don’t like each other for whatever reason, but you need to learn to be able to work together. There are plenty of people I’ve worked with in the past, but I never acted towards them the way that you two act towards each other. Now, we’re going to try some exercises I usually use with my clients, but they should still work for the two of you.”

“You want us to do couple exercises? Unbelievable.” Erik said as he leaned back in his chair. DaVis gave him another glare before reaching into his desk and pulling out two sheets of paper and some pens.

“I want the two of you to write three nice things about each other on these pieces of paper. After you’re done, you’ll turn so you’re facing each other and read off the things to each other.” He explained as he handed out the materials. “You have five minutes. You may start now.”

—

“Time’s up. Now, the two of you spin the chairs to face each other.” DaVis said once the timer went off. I mumbled something under my breath before reluctantly turning my chair around to face Erik, him doing the same. “Erik, you start. What’s something you like about Y/N?”

“Let’s see,” Erik pretended to look down at his paper before continuing on. “I like the fact that she has no concern for the life of herself or others around her.”

“Are you calling me reckless? You do understand that the point of the exercise is for us to complement each other, not throw more insults, right?” From the corner of my eye, I could see DaVis put his face in his hands.

“The two of you are unbelievable,” He murmured. “Y/N, how about you? What’s something you like about Erik?”

“I think he has a great sense of style,” I said without looking at DaVis or Erik. This is a bad idea, I can feel it.

“Great, we’re getting somewhere. Now, can you say that while looking directly at Erik?” DaVis said as he pointed towards the man in question.

“Do I have to? I mean I don’t see the point in this whole—” I cut myself off when I saw the look DaVis was giving me. I sighed, turning my head to face Erik. “I think that you have a great sense of style.”

“Thank you. Y’know, I could give you a couple of pointers so you don’t continue to walk around looking like a toddler who dressed themself.”

“Oh my god! This obviously isn’t working, so let’s try something else. I think you two might like this exercise, as it focuses on the bad in your relationship. For this exercise, the two of you will switch roles. Y/N, you will pretend to be Erik and vice versa. Does that sound doable?” It was very obvious that DaVis was on his last straw, and to be honest, I don’t blame him. If I had to listen to two people argue for an hour, I would be frustrated too.

“Ok, this should be easy enough,” I mumbled.

“Great! The exercise starts now. Whatever you need to get off your chest, go ahead and do so!” This is the bad feeling I was getting earlier. This is when everything goes to shit. “Which one of you wants to start us off?” DaVis asked as he looked between the two of us.

“I’ll go first,” I said, readjusting in my seat and clearing my throat. “Hello, my name is Erik Lehnsherr and I am a massive asshole.”

“Really? That’s how you’re going to play this? Ok, fine. I’ll bite. Hello, I’m Y/N, and I like to act as if the world revolves around me! Everything is always about me me me!” He said in a high-pitched voice.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you. Why would it revolve around someone with the smarts of a kindergartener? It revolves around me, the handsome, moody tall man that just stays in corners, silently judging everyone.”

“Handsome? Oh please, you wouldn’t know what handsome was if it knocked on your front door.”

“Ok, I think I’ve seen enough here. I think I know what the problem is.” DaVis interrupted.

“Oh really? You’ve finally figured out that the problem is that Erik Lehnsherr is a dick? I could’ve told you that from the beginning!” I exclaimed in shock.

“No, the problem is that the two of you are in love with each other, but neither of you is willing to admit it. Luckily, I just solved that problem for you. Now comes the next part, which is entirely up to the two of you. You can either ignore these feelings and keep going at each other like you are now, or you can sit and talk about your feelings. I prefer the latter, but again, this is entirely up to you.” DaVis said, but the way he said it made it clear that we didn’t have a say in this. Man, this guy is good. No wonder Charles put him up to this.

“I’m sorry, you lost me when you tried to say that me and Y/N are in love with each other,” Erik said. DaVis quirked a brow before his eyes flashed yellow. “What are you—”

“Tell the truth.” He said. His voice was distorted, and it had almost some sort of echo to it. What the fuck is going on here?

“Truth is that I’m in love with Y/N. I have been since I first saw her, but I didn’t know how to express my feelings so I thought that if I was mean to her she wouldn’t want anything to do with me.” He blurted out.

“I feel like this is some sort of infringement on human rights— I mean it’s not right to just—” I began to ramble.

“Now you, Y/N. How do you feel about Erik?” DaVis said as he turned towards me. I tried to fight it off, but the command was too strong. It was as if his mind partially fused with mine to make sure that I would do as he said.

“I am in love with Erik. Have been for a while now, but I never said anything because he made it clear that he didn’t like me. I’ve thought multiple times about confessing, but it never seemed like the right time,” I blurted. “Oh my god, that’s creepy.”

“Perfect! Now we’re getting somewhere. Ok, we’re going to have to wrap this up because I do have an actual married couple coming in in a few minutes. So what I am going to do, is let the two of you go into another room. And the two of you are going to sit and talk about your feelings. Is that understood?” DaVis asked as he looked between the two of us. We didn’t say anything, just sat there in silence.

—

Erik and I sat in the small room, arms crossed over our chests and not saying a single word. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. This is so awkward. I cleared my throat before looking up at Erik. “So, are we going to talk about what happened in there or are we just going to sit here forever?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Besides, none of that was true anyway. It was all mind control.” Erik said softly.

“Really? Because it didn’t seem like it. Those words had to come from somewhere, and they sure as hell didn’t come from DaVis. He doesn’t peg me as a silent romantic type.” It may have been a bit harsh, but it needed to be said. The sooner he got whatever was stuck up his ass out, the sooner we could leave and go back to pretending the other doesn’t exist.

“What do you want from me, exactly? Do you want me to say that I meant everything I said in there? Because guess what, I did! Do you want to know why I’m so reluctant to show my emotions for you because I’ve never felt this way before! Is that what you wanted to hear?” Erik yelled. Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting, but it certainly makes my part in this easier.

“Look Erik, I understand that this is all new to you, but it’s new to me too. Especially with someone like you, who is so adamant about being stone-cold down to the bone. I have feelings for you too, but I’m not going to sit here and keep pushing them down because you aren’t ready. If we’re going to work this out, we have to be willing to work together. Are you willing to listen?” Erik nodded, which was all I needed to continue. “So we’ve both agreed that we like each other correct? So the next thing to do is to—”

“Will you go on a date with me?” Erik blurted out. I looked at him in shock. Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.

“I’d love to, Erik Lehnsherr.”