#an abuser too they are everything to me
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Andrew hitting Ashley out of frustration and her getting turned on by it. Like that's her main reaction to getting backhanded, just more horny. Eventually she asks him to do it again when they're in bed together. He doesn't want to at first, he feels like even by their standards it would be messed up, so she realizes she has to goad him into it, and gets a really twisted mutual abuse cycle going~
This is exactly the Coffincest content I'm into
I find it so sweet when guys worry about hitting you in bed it's cute to me
I can really see Andrew just getting lost on his anger and frustration for her because he both loves her and hates her with a passion and finally just backhanding her while she's taunting him and eroding at him
And her only reaction it's getting even hornier about it, Ashley just loves getting put in her place by him, manhandled and hit, and bred, tbh I can imagine her dripping wet over Andrew putting out his cigarettes on her skin.
Ashley is such a virgin I wonder if she herself would know what she's into it or if it's like a learning curve for her.
Afterwards just her wanting to gaude him into hitting her again and again while they are having sex and he doesn't want to because he specifically associates it with the part of him that really just wants to kill her and then kill himself.
And I don't think Andrew really likes that aspect of him.
And Ashley just realizing she can always taunt and gaud whatever she wants out of Andrew as long as she keeps pressing him and trapping the situation.
So she abuses him mostly psychologically (And at parts physically too) which results in him abusing her physically and they only get worse and worse ! That's so hot !
#Ashley living out my best dreams#one of my favorite Ashley traits is that she really does just hit him when she gets upset akdkd aww my girlie shes an abuser and my man hes#an abuser too they are everything to me#the coffin of andy and leyley#ashley graves#andrew graves#coffincest#soleil asks
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there's so many things in tsc that just come at you all at once, so it's hard to focus on just one thing to break down, but the most glaring thing that stood out to me is how hard it is to really put someone back together. especially someone so shattered that it's nigh impossible to glue them back and pray they don't crumble under your ministrations.
if jean is neil's foil, then jeremy is andrew's direct antithesis. whereas andrew is a steady bedrock because he's been broken too many times to know how to weather the storm, jeremy is too soft hands and an even softer soul. he cares and cares and cares. so empathetic and so gentle it almost breaks your heart. you pray for the impossibility that jeremy can survive knowing the truth because if he doesn't, then what hope does jean have? so you pray he can be steady too. that he can weather the storm as well. that he will not break when knowing that just under the surface lies shark-infested waters.
but then you remember the beginning. "even knowing everything could go completely sideways, you'd make that choice every time"
in every other universe, jean has not survived. but in every other universe, he did not have the trojans.
#aftg#all for the game#tsc#the sunshine court#im chewing through the wall in case anyone hasn't noticed#theres a...belief in me#that everything ive just read in the past few days wont sink in until it's too late to come back from#i cant even think about jean's abuse too clearly because literally what the fuck#a monstrous child cant even describe it#and oh my god jeremy jeremy + the trojans#the most normal people to ever normal#with normal lives#stresses#and normal problems#hate that for jean he's totally a fish in a sea of lambs#i cant believe this is still a sports drama#what the fuck. literally what the fuck.#tsc spoilers#jeremy knox#jean moreau
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Maybe its just me but I think its really fucked up that the only way teachers can "help" a child is with cps and the fucking police. I think its really fucked up that they're constantly talking about "tell a trusted adult" when sometimes you just don't fucking have one. Because all of them were bad options. I think its fucked up that my, and many many many children's only fucking options have been tell someone and put everything in danger or do nothing and continue on in silence. I think its fucked up that even without saying it I had to start understanding that no matter how kinda a teacher, or counselor, or school staff member was to me at times, that they would never put me over them being held liable or their job. I would never be that important. They get to pat themselves on the back while I get put in handcuffs and put treated like an example of what not to do as if im not even there. I think its really fucked up that at a certain point it will never matter how nice a teacher is, no matter how many "I know it sucks...." or "I'm sorry but it's my job..."s or "I don't want to have to do this..."s you get, because its always the same fucking thing. Your a liability, and no adult is going to risk their job with a child that they could easily just hand to someone else more 'qualified' to handle.
#how do i tag this#kinda a vent#Kinda a rant about the system in general#all cops are bastards#fuck cops#Teachers can be fucking assholes#education system#Cps is also shit#Fuck psychiatry too#I know they're important but like#Mandated reporters can be fucking assholes#'Tell a trusted adult'#Ok then give me an adult to trust bitch#Give the a child someone they can actually fucking trust#God people are assholes to kids#youth liberation#Oh yeah this also has to do with child abuse#And neglect#And being mentally ill as a child#Like the moment your situation crosses the threshold into abuse then you actually have zero trusted adults#And no matter how nice they are you have to train yourself to never talk to them#Because then everything goes bad#Because in the end your nothing more than a liability.
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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i’ve said this soooo many times but i cannot believe the widespread fandom take on nightmares is ‘episode that proves john didn’t hit the kids or at least that sam didn’t know about :)’ NO??? that entire episode is to directly parallel sam to max??? i really hate to break it to you guys but sam being like Damn at least we weren’t and aren’t still being regularly beat to shit by the two male parental figures in our lives 🙏 lucky to have dad fr is not the same as him saying Wow i’m so grateful dad never hit us at all. essentially he is literally like ‘if dad had got drunk more often and hadn’t channeled his energy into hunting maybe we would’ve ended up like max. guess i should be grateful he didn’t”. hello. how does that endorse an entirely violence-free parenting style. like have your own interpretation. but the text of the episode isn’t saying John didn’t hit them. the text of the episode is intentionally bringing up the concept of john hitting them, withholding direct judgement/confirmation on whether it happened and keeping it ambiguous, sure, but still bringing it to our attention.
#Supernatural withholds judgement on everything so like.#it does it well in early seasons ambiguity is good! and. Less Well in later seasons#it’s also ironic cause like. i mean they were regularly Getting beat to shit via.#. monster fighting. neglecting to protect kids from physical harm also counts as physical abuse. btw.#but that’s like. the obvious takeaway#and so is dean’s little Look at the end of the ep which is obviously meant to imply that he doesn’t agree with sam. which. well#but like. idk it’s a widespread fandom idea too that if john did hit them he only hit dean. i even used to go by that!! but ur ignoring even#more subtext if u think that#and like#it’s Purposeful that the first psychic kid we see who sam very strongly identifies with#is a kid w a physically abusive father they write like this on purpose….#they do it again with sam in s7 too. him & amy pond r directly paralleled and we see her mom hit her on screen that eps what made me change#my mind re my opinion on this in regards to sam#anyway.#spn#oliver talks#winchester family dynamics#spn 1x14
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when someone comes out of episode 31 and 32 still believing nanami is in love with touga
#this reaction series i'm watching has really gone downhill. used to be some pretty good analysis for a first watch#but then he hit episode 30 and immediately began having the most basic surface level (wrong) interpretations of literally everything#his read of utena and akio's relationship especially make me want to bang my head against the wall#(but that's maybe just because i'm particularly insane about that part of the show)#he keeps talking about how young the characters are and even has a running bit about how old akio may or may not be#but he refuses to call anything abuse. it's all just “they're sleeping together” and “hehe they kissed” SHUT UPPPPP#i am. scared for 33 next week. his audience has apparently been hyping it up as some grand epic finale to the arc too#hope it hits him really hard and snaps him out of whatever the hell it is he's been thinking lately. i hope it makes him cry#bad takes#m
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I just rewatched the bit from TLJ where Ben and Rey have their first accidental Zoom call and Rey sees him and immediately starts making threats on his life and bro is just looking around like “Can you see my surroundings? I can’t see yours. Do you have a background turned on?”
I haven’t actually watched the sequels since the years they came out so. Sometimes I forget that canon Ben Solo is actually just as much of an idiot as I imagine him to be
#the last jedi#ben solo#rewatched the scene where Snoke verbally abused ben too#tlj did luke so dirty but it also did ben so GOOD#the bit where Kylo chokes Hux and goes ‘bruh I’M the supreme leader now’#UGH I love Kylo he’s a baby and a dork and also insane and dangerous#and also? not a real threat. but also he IS.#like he’s a threat not because he knows what he’s doing but because he’s UNHINGED#kylo ren#I also rewatched the scene from TROS where han speaks to ben#I expected it to hit me harder but it. really didn’t hit at all. and idk why.#I guess most of TROS feels like a game of bingo like. you can just see all the checkboxes they were trying to hit#ANYWAY list of things that are soooo ben solo:#when he did that sock slide on the floor#when he told lor san tekka ‘you’re old lmao’#when he did the Solo Shrug#when he said ‘han solo feels like the father you never had. hewouldhavedisappointedyou’#when he couldn’t kill his mom#when he commanded every gun they had to fire on that man (bruh)#when he told Snoke ‘I’ve given everything I have to you. to the dark side.’#when he immediately died after having his first kiss#(yes that was his first kiss he has no rizz the man is rizzless)#UGHHHH HE’S MY FAV AND I DON’T KNOW WHYYYY
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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You know what I realized? Shen Jiu was doomed because he was too human.
#idea dump#ramblings of a sleep deprived girl#mxtx svsss#svsss#shen jiu#scum villian self saving system#the ironic tragedy that SJ doesn't view himself as human#but it was his own humanity that was his downfall#SJ and LBH are two sides of the same doomed coin#SJ was doomed by his humanity#while LBH is doomed by his inhumanity#you can't convince me that OG LBH's life isn't going to eventually go on a downward spiral#he became a bigger monster than SJ ever was#it's only a matter of time until OG LBH himself becomes someone else's villain#the cycle of abuse keeps on going#SJ was too human to be the untouchable cultivator everyone wanted him to be#too human not to be so deeply affected by his trauma#too human to not be bitter and jealous#he was too human to ever really belong on Cang Qiong as a peak lord#his life would have been infinitely better if he learned everything he could then left to be a rouge cultivator#he would have been in a better place down in the earth with humanity#rather than up in the clouds with the immortals
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hot take moment cwilbur is literally just psychotic as all hell and i think people got way too comfortable villianizing the shit out of a man who was clearly portraying signs of severe mental illness. cwilbur was like im so fucking paranoid and scared and i think everyone is out to get me and hurt me and ive spiralled to the point i cant reach out to the people closest to me because im so afraid and lost in this spiral and im having constant panic attacks and hurting myself because i dong know what to do with myself and the only way out for me is to die. and everybody was like EVIL MAN WHO ENJOYS HURTING OTHERS AND IS ABUSIVE ON PURPOSE AND A VILLAIN AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN. and then he came back and was like im still deeply troubled and afraid but im desperately trying to make up for the wrongs i did in the past and the people i hurt in my own way and communication is really hard for me but i hope people know that im truely sorry and i love them. im going to try my hardest to fix this in the only way i know how and then respectfully remove myself from the situation because i feel thats the kindest thing i can do to the people ive hurt. and people were like ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER EVIL MAN ABUSER. like girl
Yeah no based true real no questions asked
I'd hope I manage to portray Wilbur the way he deserves in my content, cause that man is heavily bpd coded and he just needs therapy and someone who genuinely loves him but also can handle his bullshit (which has exclusively and reliably been Quackity like, canonically)
But yeah no completely agreed. The man has issues and has definitely fucked up a lot but at the end of the day he really does need love and care and patience, but also boundaries (and therapy and meds, obviously)
#i deeeefinitely have no reason to have strong feelings about bpd bitches deserving love and care and stability ha ha nooo it's definitely-#-not like I've been dating one for well over 4 years now and even though we've been through so much shit together and I still can't-#-understand why people with bpd and conditions that have similar symptoms are so demonised. It just makes no sense to me.#my bf is the love of my life and i can't imagine /not/ supporting it through all the splitting and episodes and all of that cause they're-#-absolutely worth everything#i don't know not to be too gay on main but tbf it's too late now anyway i think--#is it unstable? sure. but it's also the most caring and loving person i've ever been close with and it always makes sure i'm ok#and it loves me so undeniably deeply no matter what purely for who i am#i've never had anyone care about me this much and this genuinely and this unconditionally - it'd always be what /they/ can get out of /me/#but my boyfriend just cares about me - the actual me - no matter if i'm acting how it imagined i'd act. what matters is if i'm /me/#listen bpd isn't sunshine and rainbows - we've been through some TERRIBLE shit (including s-cide attempts)#but when people claim it makes a relationship toxic/abusive it's so stupid cause ultimately with mutual love support and reassurance-#-and professional help you can have a genuinely happy and healthy life with someone with bpd#love isn't mean to be easy. it's meant to be safe and supportive and genuine but a relationship always takes effort and work on both sides#you should never sacrifice your well being of course!#but when love takes effort and extra care it doesn't inherently mean it's unhealthy or toxic or abusive. it just means you're people.#tldr if you love someone then don't care about some diagnosis - care about the actual perso.#ask#asks#ask fern#tntduo#dsmp#tnt duo#wilbur soot#quackity#quackbur#dream smp#tntblr#c!quackbur#c!tntduo
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yall what the fuck 😭😭
It’s one thing after another this week
I’ve been a one direction fan for years, loved most of their solo work, and although I didn’t like Liam anymore and didn’t stand for any of the shit that had been coming out about him, I still can’t believe this
#first it was the seunghan bullshit#then my friend got fired over a bullshit reason#and now this too#like what the fuck#all of my work friends texted me#I was with my best friend and she’d already seen an article about it but didn’t believe it so she didn’t say anything#but then all of my work friends texted me bout it and we were like oh shit it’s true#like I’m not too surprised because of Liam’s history with substance abuse and also with all the hate he’s been getting#like that’s gonna take a toll and slipping off a balcony whether intentional or accidental like I can see how it would stem from everything#that’s been going on but dang god damn this is just………#my 1d fangirl heart is having a real struggle of a time accepting this#like there was a long time during 1d’s time that Liam was my favorite so this is just god damn
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'We're in an era of fandoms where people are finally starting to hate really shitty cishet ships'You guys don't even hate Percabeth
#'bi4bi t4t-coded' my ass percy is a tgirl NOT a tboy and annabeth's so weird and creepy about her and MEAN to her nonstop no matter what#including assuming every girl she comes into contact with is into her because she's not cracked🤪sis' internalized lesbophobia goes crazy#ntm the masculinization of percy and feminization of annabeth and the oocification to turn them into wanting a nuclear family and lifestyle#also even base personality wise they complain too much about eachother and don't do anything except bads for eachother's progressions#and i know damn well y'all and luke/gods apologists are the same and a lot of y'all're p*rcicos too.absolutely darksided pussywillows#calling annabeth better than piper/hazel/rachel/alex/silena/drew/reyna is nuts because does she have that's not reduced down to percy?#and excusing everything she does to percy as 'destiny' is self-play because percy's destiny is textually her doom and hated by her for it#it dosen't matter what annabeth was/had been through because percy'd gone through a lot too and never did anything against/to her even once#'listen i don't hate percabeth but-'oh but you have zero problems hating perachel?and you think luke was right and piper was a pick me?#grown ass men grown ass women and grown ass 'fandom elders'.y'all're so performative you don't gotta be riding for mpdg x peter johnson#anti percabeth#percy jackson#perseo jackson#anti annabeth chase#black percy#latino percy#autistic percy jackson#transfem percy jackson#bigender percy jackson#team parent percy jackson#punk!percy#glamrock percy#hero and destroyer of olympus#rr crit#pjo#hoo#tods#cisheteronormativity#abuse cw#summerposting
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Oh my God wait I have more to say on that. If you need the full scene I'm quoting: https://youtu.be/63708PykTcg?si=Bws3wyRs_TkyxPaH prepare for a lot of yapping
Hear me out. It's the "I don't like to share." Val has made it v clear she doesn't like the thought of sharing mc with Hana and clear bc of her own fears and anxiety surrounding her relationship with mc who remembers nothing about their life together.
and the "what about antionette?" "It's different I don't have feelings for her." Hana feels like the antionette to val bc, and these are just my thoughts from reading, we can see that val does care for Hana to some degree but never to the degree that she does with mc. Or maybe she does and just hides it to keep from getting attached like she was with mc and keeping Hana safe from being another one of the councils victims 🤔
And lastly the "that's bc you TOOK my life" is really getting my brain going. Especially since we see mc begin to question whether or not she wanted this life. Like, the potential behind it is putting me through the wall rn
Anyways you don't have to respond to any of this I just wanted to yap and share these thoughts bc BOY does blood choke get me thinking
hehehe yes i do think Valentina can be quite similar to Lestat in some aspects, particularly with her relationship with mc.
and you're right, she does care about Hana... in her own fucked up way. she keeps her more at a distance than she ever did mc because of that loss, which she is still mourning (even now with the mc back. she's not the mc she remembers) and she just was never able to open herself up completely to Hana. Valentina has treated both Hana and the mc terribly in the past (and the mc, at least, treated her just as bad, too, while Hana more or less just took it silently). she does care about Hana, but with the mc-shaped hole in her chest, she isn't sure how to express it, and now that the mc is back, she feels conflicted about her feelings & wants to show her devotion solely to the mc. and obviously she will get jealous of Hana (or Clear) because unless the mc brings it up, she won't share. exactly because of her anxieties (the loss of memories and how that may lead to mc choosing someone else completely) and she's actually fearful that the mc may judge her or be angry herself about Valentina's relationship with Hana (the mc was a jealous person in her past life). obviously their relationship was never Perfect, but Valentina is definitely being crueler to Hana than she ever has been before, almost like she's "showing off" for the mc, and even trying to drive Hana away. (you can potentially call her out on this in the next chapter)
and because of this Hana is realizing that even though she took the abuse and was always there for Valentina, it doesn't matter; mc is back and that's all Valentina cares about. (even if it's not necessarily 100% true-- to Hana, all she feels is that she's being discarded). that's what prompts her confrontation/conversation with the mc in ch3.
going forward there's a chance for this to change, depending on how the mc approaches the two. even if you're not romancing Hana in the poly there are still opportunities to include her (or exclude her, if you want. you can explore that route, too) and with the mc back, Valentina can potentially open herself up more to Hana than she was able to before, platonically or romantically, with mc's urging.
honestly i feel that Hana was more directly inspired by aspects of Claudia's character than Valentina with Lestat (they just happen to be similarly obsessed with mc/Louis respectively). and while i don't necessarily like to say one choice is "bad" i will say being cruel to Hana does have consequences. but i'm still writing it because i want that to be an option to explore specifically with Hana's character, and i don't necessarily want it to feel like a punishment to the player, but this game isn't exactly a feel-good game, and i do plan to make it hurt. lol
and as for your last point... yes it IS interesting. we'll probably never know if the mc was really consenting at that time (can any human really consent when eternal life is beyond their scope of understanding?) and it just adds another fuzzy layer to the messy onion that is her relationship with Valentina.
#you'll realize that a LOT of this game is about Doubt#you'll never get concrete answers about everything due to the mc's memory loss#the only people from her past that can tell her all have ulterior motives and reasons to lie. are they lying? who knows#valentina joan the council... hana is probably the most honest but she wasn't there for any of it#and now she has her own doubts too. about how valentina has been treating her and their relationship as a whole#and she's even doubting the truth of what happened between valentina and the mc and julien as she learns more about the mc#this game is about ''imperfect'' victims and the relationships they have & the kind of. ripple effect caused by abuse & its trauma#and also vampires. :-)#ask#ser-ratking#anyways thanks for letting me yap also LOL
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i think the adult relationship to the childhood dog is something that is so tender and heart-wrenching and important. you are the last vestige of my childhood. you are the sacred keeper of the memories i hold dearest, but you can barely see or hear me anymore. who do i become once you’re gone? where do i turn to remember myself? you’re the last one sitting next to me at the door of a childhood home that no longer exists, waiting patiently for the return of a family that no longer exists. where can i live when you, too, no longer exist? i can’t let go. please don’t make me let go. i know you’ll leave soon. i wish you didn’t have to. but she’s just a dog. her life is short and i will witness her death and i’ve known this from the beginning. i didn’t think it would come so fast. am i ready? have i become someone yet? have i become unrecognizable to her yet? does she still see the child i was? i’m still the child i was. please, don’t forget the child i was. please don’t take her away from me.
#i wrote this and put it in my drafts a few months ago#and now my childhood dog just died and im a complete fucking mess and i keep coming back to this#she was my baby#i got her as a birthday present from my parents#only a couple months before everything fell apart#i didnt know what was going on at home was abuse or that things were bad or that thwy would change#i just knew that my parents got me a puppy so i must be the luckiest girl in the world#and she was with us through all of it#and she knew our pain too#he was the one who wanted to put her in a shock collar#we all cried and begged him not to#she was just as traumatized by him as the rest of us#she was the last thread tying me to a time before i understood how bad things were#i don’t know who to be now#im sorry this is sooooo dramatic#i just loved my puppy#but she was 14 years old and we knew it was coming#i just hoped we’d have her for christmas
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thinking about dean growing up and putting everything before himself. hunting and his brother and his dad and his dad’s revenge quest for their mom. he doesn’t matter. he is entirely irrelevant. thinking about dean internalising this as just what you do, just how people behave and how they should behave. him viewing selfish as the worst thing you can possibly be.
then thinking about sam growing up and fighting. brave enough to challenge their father and rebel against him and voice something different, brave enough to focus on what he wants. dean seeing this and it stings - he could never do that. how is sam acting like that? he can’t believe that’s the right way to behave. so sam must be selfish, just in believing he has any right to his own life.
dean sublimates himself for the family and expects sam to do the fame, and his resentment and jealousy that sam doesn’t turns into anger and making sam out to be the mean one, the one in the wrong. and this never goes away. this is always what dean levels at sam - that he’s selfish, that in wanting to make his own choices he’s rejecting their family, rejecting dean……. awful. toxic. evil evil message to send to sam. entirely in character. dean wants to prioritise sam, would save him over the world. but he doesn’t care what sam wants.
selflessness isn’t always a charming character trait. it’s not the same thing as a generosity of spirit and it’s definitely not the same thing as being caring. sometimes selflessness just means you’re incapable of prioritising your life and incapable of understanding how anyone else could or should prioritise theirs. sometimes it means you still act selfishly, you just convince yourself you were objectively in the right, because doing something actually for yourself is unthinkable. sometimes it means you think the very act of having wants and boundaries is selfish, no matter whether they’re yours or anyone else’s.
anyway… thoughts on dean’s specific brand of awfulness regarding sam. what does it matter to him what sam actually wants? since when did it ever matter in the winchester household what anyone wanted? dean had to deal with things he didn’t want for the mission (for john). sam has to deal with things he doesn’t want for the mission (for dean). augh. the cycles
#& what do they get for that? sam gets punished repeatedly for being brave and attempting to have any sense of agency#it’s taken from him repeatedly by everyone around him. hes violated in every possible way. him wanting his own life is framed as selfishness#i can’t stop thinking abt this. Am i dean winchester am i on the pathway to becoming him#it makes so much sense now. of course sam is everything to me. i always always latch onto characters who fight who try to say fuck you i am#worth something. and that’s what sam tried to do. it just didn’t work. the story wears him down too much. augh.#the story + his abused/abusive brother#spn is a horror story#dean winchester#this is written with love but it is very much hashtag dean critical#spn#meta#supernatural#sam winchester#spn meta
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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