#maybe it would’ve been different if he knew Anya could survive

[thebestusernamepossible]

I’m mostly staying off the Mouthwashing fandom bc I personally don’t want to put myself through whatever discourse is ever going on there. But know I love Anya and Mouthwashing is one of the best games I’ve played that had an SA survivor AND was respectful about it!! The abuse Anya suffered is never portrayed as a spectical for the audience to leer at. They use the art of implication VERY well, and in the end Anya gets to go out dignified. She’s not just Jimmy’s tradgic victim, she’s her own character who makes her own decisions. Jimmy doesn’t get to kill her, she expresses her own agency to do so. She’s also the one who kept the gun away from him for so long. Also she’s SO fucking strong, she’s so cool. Anya I love you.

Also the game’s overarching (but subtle) commentary on rape culture, enabling, and how capitalism almost makes a set dressing for it is peak.

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Banished (Part 22)

*Not my Gif*

Summary: When the 100 was sent to the ground, Y/N Y/L/N was one of them. Having been locked up for almost 8 years, how will she react to surviving on Earth? Especially when she gets banished…

Post Date: 11-03-19

Paring: Bellamy Blake x Reader

Word Count: 3.8K

A/N: I did it! It’s finished and I hope you all like it! Special thanks to those of you who offered to help! Love you ♥️

~Banished Master~

~Master List~

*Based on episode 2x09 of the 100, Remember me*

*Bold Italics are in Trig, I’m just lazy!*

As the darkness faded away, you kept practicing until your arms were aching and then some. But the moment you let your sword drop, all the pain and all the feelings come flooding back and suddenly you found yourself on your knees being held up with shaken hands. You settled your breathing and yet the pit in your stomach still there, you could feel a pair of eyes on you. Looking over your shoulder you caught a glimpse of the person you least wanted to see.

“Enjoying the show Kane?” Your voice was almost hoarse, from spending all night training and grunting but you paid it no mind.

Kane nodded, taking a step forward as you turned to sit with your knees up, resting the blade across them. “You’ve gotten better.”

The remark almost made you laugh but instead you settled for a scoff. “Yeah, no help from you.”

“Y/N, I-“

“Kane.” You interrupted, “I don’t care anymore. Whatever your excuse is, I just don’t care anymore.” Too much had happened for you to focus on him abandoning you for 10 years. You were about to stand up, go find Lexa or Octavia, you hadn’t gotten the chance to talk to her since the drop ship and you hated it, but Kane sat down and squashed any plans of avoidance.

“Why did you do it?” You furrowed your brows as you didn’t know what he was talking about. “Why did you kill those men?”

You fell silent, not evening acknowledging the fact you heard him but he knew you did. “Your arrest was the one arrest no one could figure out.”

“You really couldn’t figure it out?” You spat before realizing it. Kane flinched, taken back but your words as he scooted closer to you. “Wow, for being part of the chancellors guard, you all suck at paying attention. You know, I’m glad I wasn’t put in your care, maybe if I was then I would’ve turned out neglectful like you.” You were on your feet fast, back turned towards Kane as he shouted.

“And how you are now is better?!” Your feet dug into the ground as you stopped yourself, slowly turning to Kane with a stoic face.

“Yeah. At least I fought my demons, instead of abandoning them, locking them in a cell, ignoring them for 8 years, then sending them to earth to die.” Kane was on his feet, striding closer to you as he looked down at you.

“There’s a reason for that.”

“No Kane. There’s no reason to abandon an 8 year old and put her into the care of punch happy guard with a drinking problem.” The words tumbled out and there was nothing you could do to stop it as Kane’s jaw dropped open. Out of any reason Kane had supplied on you killing them- grieving, going crazing, accidental- he never came to the conclusion you were being beaten. It made him sick to think about the fact that he left you, a girl he loved like a daughter, in the hands of someone who would break her day in and day out.

He was about to say something that you already knew you didn’t want to hear before a horn went off, meaning you all were heading back to Tondc. You didn’t say anything as you turned towards the sound, you mind almost as exhausted as your arms and you didn’t hear Kane’s steps follow yours.

You caught a couple different glances along the way but you didn’t return them, keeping your eyes straight ahead before Lexa’s tent came into view and you entered, shocked to see her alone sitting her chair and staring into the ground.

“Heda?” You questioned as she sat straighter and looked to you.

“You trained with Indra?” You nodded as she smiled a little. “Did it help with your anger?”

You let out a little laugh, realizing that the training was Lexa’s idea and that was why Indra wasn’t so keen on you. “I think so. That or seeing Indra get knocked down.” Lexa laughed at your joke, a hint of welcoming in her eyes before it was gone and someone entered the tent behind you.

“Commander, everyone’s ready.” Gustus said taking a glare at you before focusing on Lexa. You tried to ignore the annoyance in your head as you excused yourself and headed outside. Gustus was right, everything was packed up and you were shocked you hadn’t noticed it on your way in, then again you weren’t really looking around.

A spot of blonde hair next to you caught your attention as you saw Clarke staring off into space. You understood that feeling, she just lost her boyfriend. You were about to go over to her and say something, just anything to let her know you’re sorry before a voice stopped you.

“Y/N?” You spun around at the familiar sound, not even caring as you engulfed Octavia in a hug she just as quickly returned.

“God O, I missed you so much.” You whispered in her ear as you closed your eyes. You felt your shoulder get a little wet and knew she was crying slightly but you didn’t mind it. Octavia was the one person who you couldn’t be mad at, no matter what. When you pulled away, you cupped her cheek with your palm, wiping away any tears as she smiled.

“I missed you too. I wanted to talk to you at the drop ship but I was kind of busy.” She took a step to the side as you saw Lincoln, a smile on his face as he watched you and Octavia embrace. You gave him the same hug, a sigh of relief escaping you when you see he was alright.

The moment was over quick though when you pulled away, slapping his arm a little. “Don’t ever do that again! You don’t get to die!” He chuckled at your response, wrapping an arm around you and bringing you into his hold again.

It was nice to be with him again knowing you were both outsiders. Lincoln from the grounders and you from the sky people. Your reunion was cut short as the wall to Tondc started and you stayed arms linked with Octavia the entire time.

“When did you get that?” She asked, nodding down to the sword attached to your hip.

“Indra’s training me. Says I’m supposed to learn how to fight like a grounder.” She nodded her head, taking a look at the woman herself who was weary of all the sky people around her as her hand never left her own weapon. “Although, I’m much better with a bow.” You told her as she began to tell you all about Lincoln training her.

Bellamy walked next to Clarke, his gun in hand as he kept taking glances back and his eyes trained on you. He only looked away when Clarke stared off into the woods in fear. “Hey, you okay?” He asked her as she kept taking glances back into the woods, blowing off Bellamy’s question with a simple yeah.

“You still think this truce is a bad idea, don’t you?” Bellamy’s jaw hardened as he stared ahead of himself.

“We’re wasting time on politics while our friends are in trouble. Their army has been getting their ass kicked for years. What we need is an inside man.”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s too dangerous.”

“If you two made it out, then I can make it in.” Bellamy ignored the way his stomach dropped as he mentioned you. Clarke on the other hand continued to decline Bellamy’s idea. She knew she only made it out because of you and Anya and if Bellamy was going in there alone, he wouldn’t have any backup.

Bellamy didn’t like Clarke’s refusal, demanding a better reason as Clarke slowed down. “I can’t lose you too.” His lips fell into a straight line, nodding before they continued walking. “Besides, what am I supposed to tell them?” She looked over her shoulder, past her mom and Kane, at you and Octavia. You were no longer talking anymore and just walking forward. Bellamy peaked behind him too, getting your attention before looking ahead. He didn’t say anything to Clarke but he knew she just wanted to give him another reason to stay.

The moment you met Bellamy’s eyes and he looked away, you couldn’t help but feel guilty again.

You tried to push yourself away from your head, focusing on Lexa talking to Gustus about the alliance, but you weren’t fluent at all in Trigedasleng.

“It could kill our...”

“Our... or me?”

“Then do your job and protect me.”

Gustus has a sour look on his face when you turned around, seeing the way he stared at the sky people with distain. You knew that look, Gustus was planning something.

You set up camp a little ways from Tondc and immediately everyone separated into Sky People and Grounders. You scoffed as you found fallen tree and leaned against it, knowing that you weren’t going to get much, if any sleep for the second night in a row. Much to your surprise, Clarke took a spot in the middle of the camp, lining herself up with both sides as Bellamy tells her its safer on their side. Clarke doesn’t listen, telling him they need to build trust before she started to lay down. She noticed you staring, giving you a light smile and head nod. It took a minute but you decided to return the nod, letting Clarke know what she’s doing, building trust, it’s going to be appreciated.

The camp died down, fires went out and you stared into the brightly lit stared sky. It never felt the same as it did when you were a child staring out of the window in the hallways. It felt more natural here, like the stars weren’t being blocked by the glass.

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy whispered as he came into your field of view.

“About what?”

He took a seat next to you, copying your stance and staring into the moon and stars. “Lots of things.” You fell into a silence and for once it wasn’t awkward or out of anger. It was wanted. Call it sleep deprivation or pure craziness, but you grabbed Bellamy’s hand, hearing his breathing hitch before he adjusted his grip, wrapping his fingers around your hand.

“I’m sorry too. I’m tired of fighting with you Bellamy. You’re too persistent and I’m too messed up.” You both looked at each other, both of your mouths turned to a frown but both deserved. “I’m just not used to people caring anymore. You know, one minute I’m getting ready for my death and the next I’m being hurled through space towards earth where I meet my new best friend and her dumb brother.” You both laughed as he nudged you in the shoulder, making you laugh a little harder. A few people around you woke up, sending you death glares as you hid your face in between your shoulder and Bellamy’s. The action made Bellamy smile and he squeezed your hand.

“Y/N?” Bellamy whispered as you hummed. “What are we?”

You didn’t really know how to answer that. What were you? “Friends?”

Bellamy smiled again, knowing that you finally considered him a friend made his stomach have butterflies. “Friends.” He repeated softly. You stayed with your head on his shoulder and he rested his on top of yours, as you both slowly dozed off.

You woke up to the sounds of people rising as Bellamy and you shared a few embarrassed glances and got up, grabbing your things and finishing the 10 mile trek to Tondc. They took all the weapons, searching all the sky people and you.

You were all lead into Tondc, Bellamy by your side and for once you weren’t paying attention to him. The grounders around you were screaming, yelling threats about death to the sky people and among them your heard a few death to Skaikiler. You held your breath as a man stepped out into the way and Lexa signaled Gustus to remove him. Gustus started to beat on him and Clarke begged for her to make him stop, saying they’ll blame them for it. Lexa turned to you and you gave her a knowing look as she orders Gustus to stop. Clarke caught onto the exchange with confusion, not sure as to why Lexa had looked to you.

“Warm welcome.” Bellamy mumbles to you after Lexa’s promise to kill anyone threatening the alliance. You nodded, swallowing thickly and following after Clarke with Bellamy.

After Finns funeral you were lead to a dinning hall, a huge table set up and sky people stood on one side while the grounders stood on the other. You didn’t know which side to truly take before Lexa had you stand next to her.

Kane pulled out a bottle of liquor, offering it to the commander. Gustus pulls out two goblets, placing them in front of Lexa before she stops him.

“Grab another for Y/N. She drinks with us.” Gustus nodded his head, casting a frown as he put another cup on the table which Lexa filled in the liquid. She hands one to you and one to Clarke and you toast almost taking a sip before Gustus has stopped you all.

“Heda, allow me.” He took the cup from Lexa, taking a drink before handing it back.

“Today we celebrate peace...” Lexa began as you tapped your finger against the cup. Almost as soon as she finished her speech Gustus collapsed behind you and everyone went into shock as he started convulsing. Bellamy smacked the cup out of your hand as Abby took the one out of Clarke’s. You were frozen, staring at Bellamy’s wide eyes as Indra screamed for you all to be searched again.

“We didn’t do this! You know we didn’t!” Clarke cried out as you finally pulled yourself together, allowing the grounder to frantically search you, only to come up empty.

“Heda.” Someone who was searching Raven said as you turned your attention, seeing him pull out a small vile of poison.

“No sky person leaves this room.” Lexa orders before leaving, locking you in there with the rest of them.

You sat in the corner, resting your head back against the cold concrete.

Kane, who was standing on the other side of the room, was pacing back and forth.

...a punch happy guard with a drinking problem.

He knew something more was going on when you were arrested and now everything was starting to make sense. Except one thing. He walked over to Bellamy, who was leaning on the wall.

“Why was she banished?” He asked, skipping all formalities. Bellamy sucked in a breath, clearing his throat as he tried to find the words.

“She killed a kid.”

“Who?”

Bellamy felt like they were loudest people in the room as he continued. “Some kid named James. I don’t know, she left the camp and when we went to find her she had a knife and was covered in his blood.” Kane wore a scowl as his mind kept piecing things together, one after another.

James. He knew exactly why the only James was sent down here.

Kane pushes himself away from Bellamy, who proceeded to follow him. “Kane. What’s wrong?”

“James was arrested for raping a girl when he was intoxicated.” He told Bellamy in a hushed whisper as Bellamy’s world just collapsed. The night you killed him, half the camp was drunk off their asses. There was no reason for James not to be as well.

Clarke was the first person to approach you, sliding down the wall until she was on the floor. “Raven didn’t poison the drink.”

“I know.” You assured her, peaking open an eye to see her taken back look.

“What?”

“I know Raven didn’t poison the drink.”

“How?”

You guffawed, “You’re dumb Clarke. But you’re not stupid. You need this alliance. If you don’t the mountain men won’t be the ones dying. It will be your people.”

“Our people.”

“Your people.” The bitterness in your voice made Clarke stop trying. But when she stared straight ahead, her eyes widened and her breathing started increasing. “Clarke? What’s wrong with you?” You were concerned for the blonde. Since Finn, she hasn’t been acting like herself.

She hesitated but sighed, leaning her head back like you. “Just problems.” She said, blowing off your concern.

“Lexa needs this alliance.” You shift in your seat to face Clarke as she follows. “She thinks we tried to kill her, so let’s figure out who did.”

“Who wants her dead?”

You shake your head, clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth. “Too many to count. This alliance was a risk even more so after Finn.”

Clarke’s face dropped at the mention of his name. Everyone started to gather around you two, listening in and trying to help. You kept your eyes drawn to the floor and dodging the glances of Bellamy and Kane. “So it has to be someone trying to break the alliance?” Octavia asks before the door opens, Indra enters and everyone scrambled to their feet. Bellamy pushes you and Octavia behind him and you were thankful for the buffer as right now the woman most likely isn’t taking to you very well. They pull Raven out against all your pleads, saying when she’s dead the alliance is too. Raven was tied up and you and Lincoln shared a glance. He’s told you about this ritual, 1000 cuts and she’s dead. Suddenly everything became blurry and people were yelling and Raven was getting cut. Your head started spinning and you just wanted this to stop. Abby and Clarke were talking before Abby left her and you took her place.

“Clarke. Do something.” You told her as she spun around towards the inside of the room.

“I can’t take it anymore! Say something!” Clarke yelled into nothing and you furrowed your brows.

“Clarke?” You pressed, now completely sure something was going on with Clarke that you didn’t know about. Abby came back, yelling at the both of you in order to make their escape. “Clarke?” You grabbed her shoulders, trying to get her to look at you but she didn’t. Instead she glanced down to where the discarded goblet laid.

“It wasn’t in the bottle.” She mumbled.

“What?” You gasped as she grabbed your hand and pulled you along with her upstairs. Bellamy caught you when Clarke let go.

“Clarke stop! You’re gonna get yourself killed!” He yelled but she ignored him. “Are you alright?” He asked looking over you as you stood in shock. You nodded your head, taking a step closer to Lexa as Bellamy followed, a hand gently laid on your back. Clarke drank the liquor Kane brought as Lexa watched in anger.

“Explain.”

“The poison was never in the bottle, it was in the cup.”

“A trick commander.” Gustus spoke as the hand on your back, pressed you more into Bellamy.

“It was you. You searched Raven.” Lexa denied Bellamy’s words, saying Gustus would never harm her before you realized,

“You weren’t the target. The alliance was.” Lexa turned to you, a frown on her lips.

“You’ve been accused Gustus, speak true.” Gustus told her the truth, how this alliance would cost her her life. “And this treachery will cost you yours.”

Raven was taken down and Gustus was strung up instead. Everyone taking a slice at him.

“This would’ve been Finn.” Raven mumbled as you whisper a yeah. Bellamy grabbed your hand, both of your eyes never wavering from Gustus.

Lexa delivered the final blow as Gustus’ head dipped to his chest.

That night you all sat around fires, drinking in the silence like air. You were sitting across the fire from Bellamy, seeing the way the fire lit up his face as you closed your eyes.

Lincoln broke the silence, “How did you know it was Gustus?”

“He’d do anything to protect her, it made sense.” Lincoln glanced at Octavia the same time Bellamy glances at you, the thought getting to him as he watched you stare at the flames again.

Bellamy could only think about what Kane told him today, knowing that he needed to talk to you about it because it’s been eating him up all day. “Y/N, I need to ta-“

“Hey guys, listen to this!” Raven said interrupting Bellamy as he sighed and got up, you following right after him and listening to part of Jaspers rescue message before leaving, heading straight to Lexa.

“We have the alliance.” You told her as she dismissed the men she was talking to. “Time to use it. Get both your people and our people out.”

“Your people?” She asked as you dropped your gaze.

“Their people. Your people and their people.” She nodded her head ar your correction and saw Clarke started making her way over to you two before stopping and talking to air. You left Lexa and walked back to the fires, expecting everyone to still be there but all there was Lincoln and Octavia sat next to their fire. You took your original spot, looking around for Bellamy but came up empty. Resting your head in your lap you tried to drown out everyone around you. But one voice made it through.

“I know why you got arrested.” Kane said as he took seat next to you. His eyes were lined with bags and you could tell he was just beating himself up. You didn’t say anything as Octavia and Lincoln glance at you, trying to keep from overhearing but at the same time they were curious.

“Kane, you don’t have to-“

“I know it wasn’t your fault.” He put a hand on your knee and you refrained from pushing it away, knowing that you needed this as much as he did. “You were defending yourself.”

“Why didn’t you come talk to me? 8 years and no visits.” You rushed out with a wavering voice.

“I was scared. I was confused. I was-“

“Neglectful.” You finished for him as he nodded, squeezing your knee before letting go. You put your head back into your lap and tried to even your breathing. “You knew Kane. You knew my parents killed themselves and part of it was because of me. You read the letter and you still abandoned me. You didn’t want me then so you get to have me now.”

You felt like you were repeating yourself and it seemed like no matter what, Kane was just not getting the fact that you wouldn’t have turned out like this if he hadn’t abandoned you.

“I’m sorry.”

“Everyone’s sorry.” You told him, “but saying you’re sorry doesn’t make me any less damaged.” You left the fire and Kane, walking to the edge of the woods and sitting alone in the dark.

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[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 7

Emotional Baggage

Udina and Anderson tried to convince Shepard to wear her N7 uniform to the memorial, to be an easily recognizable figurehead. But of all the "figurehead" shit they made her do the past week, this was the one she refused.

This memorial wasn't about her and her suit of armor. It was about those who weren't so lucky at the end of the battle.

This was about Ash.

So, Shepard wore simple black pants and a button up shirt. She didn't want to stand out at all. Not today, not when she was the one who made the call that meant Ash couldn't be here. The main memorial was held in the Presidium- Udina and Anderson wanted people to be inspired by the up and coming reconstruction.

But afterwards, Anderson let her and the crew use his apartment as a more personal funeral for Ashley. She appreciated it, because they couldn't make it back to Earth for the one her parents were putting together. Though, she wasn't sure her parents would want her there. That, or they'd say the words "noble sacrifice" or "hero" too much and Shepard would have to find the nearest bar to burn that out of her brain.

No, they all just needed to remember her as a team. The past few months had changed all of them, and Ash was a huge part of that.

Of all people, Wrex was the first to talk about the Gunnery Chief. "Williams was an asshole when I met her, and maybe she was still an asshole by the time she was gone. But somewhere in between, we took a lot of shots together. It woulda been nice to take a few more with her."

Everyone clapped at the short speech, and even though it was only a handful of people, it was nice. Much like Ash would've preferred, there was an open bar and implied dancing later. Shepard really didn't feel like dancing, but if Ash goaded her, she would've.

But Ash wasn't here, was she?

Yeah, that one hurt like a motherfucker when she swallowed it down, watching Tali pull the rest of her crewmates get pulled into swaying to Ash's favorite songs. The unofficial wingwoman now became the leader, at least for one night.

Anya knew she wasn't being a great participant in the memories, but she had already done a rousing, Councilor edited speech about Ash and the others during the big memorial. Right now, she was spent and all she wanted to do was remember that Ash loved these people and she'd love this party and damn did she wish she was here.

While she didn't mean to leave as early as she did, Anya didn't know if she could keep up the strong hero facade much longer. Saren was gone and it was time to finally experience all the pain and feelings that had been gnawing at her heels. And she had to stop running.

But before she could slip out the door, someone grabbed her arm.

Anya looked up and two bright blue eyes were glaring down at her. "You said I'd get to help."

Staring back at Garrus Vakarian, his voice low and his grip firm, Anya couldn't keep fighting. Nodding, she let him walk out with her. They stopped by Flux to grab a bottle of classic Russian vodka before heading to the empty Normandy to do the whole feelings thing in her room.

She really didn't need the whole crew accidentally seeing her turn into an absolute disaster when they came back. She didn't even really want Garrus to see her like this, but the damned turian insisted. So, might as well prep him for the firing squad.

When they got into her room, Anya stopped dead the second the door closed behind them. She couldn't look at him, but she could already feel the pressure build on her face as she pictured the last time she heard Ash's voice. Whispering, she said, "It should've been me."

"What-"

Anya wrapped her arms around her shoulders, felt the tears run down her cheeks. It only burned worse. She got to cry about this shit, and Ash- "It always should've been me. There were better soldiers on Akuze that deserved to survive more than I did, but my Commander chose me to head back because of my tactical cloaking abilities. I got to run because I could hide. And with Ash, I should've made sure that mission was complete, not left it to a soldier who had so much less baggage to give the world. And the council. Why do I always end up alive when everyone else ends up dead?"

Garrus walked around her, stood in front of her, but she still wouldn't look. He seemed desperate not to push her, so he kept his hands to himself and tried to keep things simple. "Sounds like you're really struggling with that survivor's guilt."

"Of course it's survivor's guilt. Because I keep surviving and people I love keep dying. Hell, I don't even need to love them. It doesn't matter. If I love them, if I push them away, even if I fucking hate them. They're dead. People die in the military, I get it. But I've been on fifty missions where someone didn't come back. Twenty of them, it was more than one. Three of them, I was the only one left alive. I've watched more friends die than friends I have alive, by a painfully wide margin. I don't know if I can keep doing this, but everyone just keeps looking up to me like I'm some hero when really I'm just always the only one left."

This time, he stayed quiet. After a prolonged silence, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. They were gentle and warm and more than she deserved. But she pressed her face into his shirt and balled her fists against his chest, holding onto the fabric like it was a lifeline. "Survivor's guilt is hard, but it's starting to feel like I'm the one killing people, Garrus. And I don't know if I can live with that."

"I can't change what hurts, and I can't bring those people back. But I can say that you don't bring people together because you're some angel of death. You bring them together because you're willing to fight the fights everyone else calls a lost cause." Anya finally looked up at him, with all his sharpness and angles and alien features, and only found someone that made her feel safe. The only person that really made her feel safe. Garrus continued, "You got a jaded C-Sec officer who probably would've gotten fired to drop everything and help stop the bad guy that he thought no one would stop. You did something I used to think might be impossible. You're hurt, and you're still a squishy human, but you're also still a hero that people would follow into hell."

Taking a deep breath, Anya added, "Yeah, but sometimes I wish they'd stop following me. And I think she could've been a better hero."

Garrus didn't say anything. Not because he agreed, because the way he tilted his face and eyes when she said that said otherwise. But because she was pretty sure he also knew that she didn't care if he disagreed with her.

Instead, he stepped back and picked up the vodka. "You didn't seem to need this to get out the feelings. Still wanna go for it?"

Anya shook her head, figuring if she could cry without the booze, there was no point risking it. "Nah. I'll save nectar from the motherland for a different occasion." Grabbing the bottle out of his hand, she put it on her shelf. She had no clue when she'd ever take it down, but she didn't really want to know.

"What made this time different?"

Turning back towards him, her eyebrows raised. She didn't know what he meant by that. "Hmm?"

"I mean what made you have to break down."

She didn't mean to laugh, not in such a sarcastic, dark way. But when she let out a snort and stopped, she thought she might as well tell him the truth. "I always break down afterwards. The only difference this time is that you were here, wanting to help put the pieces back together. I always used to do it by myself."

His eyes met hers and she couldn't tell what he was thinking. There was something sad and deep and soulful in the way he was looking at her. And then he started stepping towards her, and she didn't mean for her dumb heart to race or for her face to flush, but they did. Garrus probably just pitied her, just feeling bad about her sad life. But then he stopped mere inches in front of her and asked, "Why did you do it alone for so long?"

"Because until you, I didn't believe anyone when they said they wanted to help me."

If she didn't know better, she'd say things felt very warm in between them, almost electric. And the way he was looking down at her, it felt like he was so close, and she knew she shouldn't even think about leaning closer, but everything about him made her feel like...

Well, it made her feel like she had a home. And she hadn't felt that way in years.

But just as she closed her eyes and accepted the consequences of whatever was happening, her door pinged open and Joker walked himself over to her bed and laid down. Both her and Garrus jolted and just stared at him while he did it, but he seemed too drunk to give a damn.

The confused turian gestured to their pilot and asked, "Do I need to know something about you two?"

Anya was ready to throw Joker out the fucking airlock. "Yes. I mean, no. Nothing like you think." She tried to run a hand through her hair, but her damn bun was in the way. Right. She had put it up to be formal at the memorial. Pulling out the ties and pins, she then got the proper stress relief. Anya explained, "When at the Academy, Joker's condition meant he couldn't stay in the dorms like everyone else just in case he had a bone break. My mother taught when he went there, so he stayed with us. He's like my younger cousin, and he has a bad habit of hijacking my room whenever he gets drunk so that I can help make sure he didn't break himself. Or be there to help if he did."

Garrus tried to stay straight-faced, but even he wound up laughing. "So this has happened before?"

"Unfortunately. Even on this ship. I'm kinda surprised I haven't had to explain it until now."

They both just stared at the passed out Joker until Garrus sighed, seemed to accept the state of things, and sat down on her couch. On the left side, like he did every movie night. Anya tried to be casual sitting next to him, but her heart palpitations were still struggling to calm down. He had this perplexed look on his face. "So your mom was a teacher? I thought she was Navy."

"Not by choice. I was trying to rebel by not joining the Alliance. She was making a point to keep me close to it, even taking in a very enthusiastic flight student, to try to convince me otherwise. When she finally got her way after a few months, she left Joker and I the apartment and went back to being a Captain. She's a soldier, through and through."

"So you weren't kidding when you said she pushed you to be like her. Like my father pushed me."

"Absolutely not. And I've become everything she could ever dream, despite my attempts to just be a good person and not get too much attention."

"Sounds like one hell of a childhood. Is it a Russian thing? You talk about that Earth region you're from a lot and it seems... very intense."

"Not quite, she just happens to be a terrible stereotype of a super intense Russian women. But she's not all vodka and muscles and "for the motherland". She fell in love with an American, after all. John Shepard. Also an Alliance pilot, before he died. I think it's why she took such an unnatural liking to Joker."

"My father did that with my childhood friend, Panek. Always brought him with us on field trips to his office or military bases. Said he reminded him of his brother, a reckless young soldier who got himself killed during the Skyllian Blitz."

"And what happened to Panek?"

"Let's just say he was probably a bit too much like my uncle." Garrus leaned into the couch and, despite the loss that tinged his face, he almost seemed nostalgic talking about it all. Anya liked to hear him talk. "But my family isn't all difficult military men. I have Solana, my sister. I've mentioned her before. She's the responsible one, got into politics and interplanetary relations more than military, but she is also the pestering kind. Speaking of, I'll have to message her after this. Haven't done that this week and if I don't, she;ll give me hell."

When he laughed, it was filled with familial love and admiration and years of memories. Anya almost wished she had more of a traditional family. Before the Citadel, she couldn't remember the last time she heard from her mom. Was it when she got Spectre? Was there any time in between? And she definitely couldn't remember the last time they met face to face. But with all her musings, Garrus was giving her this serious look and said, "I already know Joker and you clearly don't talk like... Well, I see you're a different kind of close. But does him being around help?"

"Yeah. Even though I don't really know how to talk serious with him, I do know he'd do anything for me. Sure he might break his ribs in the process, but that's part of the charm."

"What was it like, having Joker as a roommate?"

"Absolutely insane. Picture how sarcastic he is now, but buried in an exhausting zeal for flying Alliance ships. I would wake up at 4 am, at least once a week, to him training or studying, even when he was piss drunk like tonight. My favorite time was when, totally plastered, Joker woke up my mother to try to give him access to the flying sims because he "needed to be prepared in any scenario". She let him, but then she also started making him do oddball scenarios for "just in case". And trust me, nothing is as terrifying and funny like Joker flying a ship and getting perfect marks while completely naked."

Even though Garrus didn't have a drink, he looked about ready to spit one out. His eyes darted back and forth from the passed out drunkard on her bed to Anya. "He did that?"

"Yeah. Any dare mom threw at him, he did every single one. He and my mom were always just trying to one up each other, but neither of them would ever fucking budge. I don't think I ever laughed so much in my life, seeing them prank and push each other to the edge. But he did convince me to join the Alliance, so what do I know, he's clearly more than just a good laugh."

"What did convince you? I don't think I ever knew you didn't want to be a soldier."

Anya shrugged, knowing this was weird waters of her past. "I don't exactly advertise it, not when I ended up the first human Spectre. Don't think people would love knowing it wasn't my childhood dream. I just wanted something different. I didn't know what, but I think I just didn't want to be my mom. I think seeing someone like Joker still excel in the Alliance made me think that maybe there was a place for me. I mean, hell, guy wanted to pilot while drunk and they still loved him."

Garrus pressed his talon to his temple and chuckled under his breath. He could barely believe it, she could tell, but she didn't blame him. Sometimes she could barely believe her academy days with Joker, either. But then his bright blue eyes flicked up and her whole body was frozen still under his gaze. "It's nice to hear you have history. And not just military history." Then his arm extended towards her and she knew she was holding her breath, which she shouldn't, but he just poked the soft flesh of her wrist. "I told you that you were just a squishy human."

"Oh, and you aren't squishy? You practically begged to help me talk out my feelings."

"You're definitely squishier."

Anya was more than ready to play the verbal sparring game with him; honestly, it was nice. She hadn't done much... fun in awhile. With a smirk and proper snark, Anya countered, "I don't know. When you get uppity about temperatures..."

"That's a biological thing. What about you and that childhood cat you talk about? You get all wistful."

"Crackers was a very special boy, but at least he was a living being. I've definitely caught you sleeping with your sniper rifle, and you got pretty upset when it got a scratch a month ago."

Garrus cut his eyes, and looked ready to start throwing some real shots at her. Anya leaned into her knees and was ready. This fight was on. "You cried last movie night."

Okay, she didn't expect that one, and got aftershock emotion thinking of Saving Private Ryan. But she kept it together and gave a weak ass rebuttal. "No I did not!"

"So that tear I saw was what? Space rain?"

Anya was grasping for straws. "It was a very dramatic, emotional final scene. You probably were so caught up in it that you imagined me crying, because that would be an acceptable response. If I did cry, which I didn't."

"Now you're just lying to me."

"It's pretty squishy of you to be getting so bothered by if I cried during a movie or not."

Garrus glared at her, looking like he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue. Anya was pretty sure she just gave the most annoying, pre-teen answer she ever could. But was it annoying enough to get him to back off before she managed to get even more annoying? Finally, Garrus said, "You're impossible."

Anya didn't mean to smile so wide at him, which only seemed to annoy him more.

After all that, she tried to soothe his ego a little and nudged his shoulder with hers. "Only because every dumb thing I do with you turns me into a shameless goofball. I still can't believe I danced with you."

The genuine smile on his face was not what she expected. "Yeah. That was nicer than I expected."

It was a little too nice. She felt her insides warming up, and her heart pumping a little fast, thinking of how close they were, and even how close they were a few minutes ago, before Joker came in. Maybe they were about to-

Nope, Anya had to diffuse that train of thought and fast. She jeered, "Well, you thought it was a sex ritual, so-"

"Will you ever let that go?" Garrus crossed his arms. Good. Back to best friend banter, as things should be.

"Never."

There was a long pause after that. They sat right next to each other and the air got still again, like there was something charging up. It started to make Anya's skin itch. But then Garrus leaned back into the couch and asked her, like it was simple, "So, how are you feeling?"

She stared into her hands and tried honesty. "Still a little raw. It's going to take awhile for it not to hurt so much. But it's better. You helped make it better."

"I'm happy I could."

That's when she looked up at him, trying to be her white knight of emotional trauma. Sure, she was a fucking mess, but he had scars, too. And she wasn't just going to let him lean back there and bottle anything up, either. She put her hand on his knee and tried to show him how serious she was. "Are you doing okay? Sure, I'm the Commander, but Ash was your teammate, too. And I did make some tough calls."

He almost looked like he was about to crack a joke, but then he sighed and leaned forward, closer to her. Garrus said, "As fine as one can be before a war. I wasn't close to Ash, because she was kinda squeamish about the whole turian thing, but she was getting better at the end. It would've been nice to get to know her. It does make me feel like I need to do more to help the galaxy, now that Saren's gone. I need to be more than just a rogue C-Sec officer." With them both leaning on their knees, he turned his face and they locked eyes. He looked so vulnerable and honest, things she admired so much in him. At least, because that's how he was with her. "Thanks for asking, Shepard."

So the least she could do was keep herself honest for him, too, when it came to the important stuff. Anya smiled at him and said, "If you're willing to carry my emotional baggage, I can be here for yours."

She didn't mean to do this, but again they were close, and again she remembered that maybe he could be something more than a friend. And they weren't leaning in or anything, but looking at his face in her room, just being there for each other? It just meant so much. She didn't want having him by her side to ever end, friendship or not.

But just as she was about to say something dumb and sentimental, Joker sat up and walked over to her bathroom and started puking. The mood, whatever it was, was definitely killed. With a grimace, they both stood up and Anya said, "I should probably take care of that."

"And I'd probably just get in the way. Call it a night?"

"Calling it. But it was a good one." Then they heard another gag and stream of vomit into her toilet. Patting Garrus' shoulder, Anya couldn't say out loud how much she didn't want him to leave. If she didn't know any better, he was looking at her a little lingering, too. But maybe he was just concerned about how'd she do, post funeral and taking care of Joker. So she reassured him, "I can take care of us and I'll be okay. It's practically muscle memory at this point."

He laughed while he walked out of her door. "Alright. Goodnight, Shepard."

"Goodnight, Garrus."

From the bathroom, Joker yelled, "Night, Garrus!"

"Night, Joker." In the doorway, they looked at each other, and Anya almost wanted to say it. Just ask him to come back in, give him a datapad game to play, they could spend more time together once Joker would stop puking. Anything. She just wanted him to stay. But instead, Garrus gave her a flimsy salute and said, "See you tomorrow."

And she let the door shut behind him.

Anya walked back into her bathroom and took Joker's hat off so it wouldn't fall into any of his alcohol overdose. While it was nowhere near poisoning, Joker clearly drank more than he should. She sat down next to him and waited on standby for any emergencies. In a moment of clarity, he turned his face to look at her, all groggy. "You and Garrus a thing?" Before she could set him straight, he started laughing and shook his own head. "What would you guys do with all those ass sticks? That's too many sticks, Anya. Also you bruise easy and he's a walking hawk dinosaur. Nah, that'd be silly."

Right. It would be silly.

Interspecies awkwardness, or something.

That didn't stop her from thinking about how every time she was with him, things felt right.

She grabbed a water bottle from under the sink (preparation for this eventuality) and handed it to him. "Drink up. We don't need our pilot hungover."

"I could do it."

"I know you could. But I still prefer you sober."

"Fair enough."

And so she helped her pilot get his shit together, because it was the least she could do when she was still struggling to figure out hers.

///

Just a heads up, I’m only posting every day to catch up to where I’m currently at in the AO3 version of this story (which went through an intermission and is 6 chapters into ME 2 already) 

Hyped that you guys seem to enjoy! 

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :) (Hint: patreon.com/gracejordan)

Also I tweet funny things sometimes: @Steph_Marceau 

[bellamygateoldblog]

the 100 ofc!

— this gets a little rant-y and may or may not be coherent- currently pulling an all-nighter and it’s literally 5am- that’s it. That’s my excuse.

all time favourite character

IDK man IDK…I wanna say Jasper, maybe Raven

a character I didn’t used to like but do now

I’ll stick Octavia in this one. I actually did like her at first, then i didn’t then i did then i didn’t then i

a character i used to like but now don’t

[ insert every single character here ] Clarke and Bellamy. Clarke lost me very early season 3 and Bellamy is dead to me as of season 6. I’m throwing Miller in here- when he was that delinquent that wears the beanie I could go for that, but now i’m just straight up annoyed by his presence and want him to go away forever. My reluctant liking of Abby turned sour pretty fast, too. Arming a group of children and sending them out into a warzone to find your daughter, then abandoning them once she’s back is really SOMETHING. And hitting Raven while she’s acting Chancellor…i should beat your ass, Abby

a character i’m indifferent about

Wells: poor treatment of MoC and very valid anger aside, truely I don’t see the facination and borderline obsession fandom has with the character himself- he barely existed. Are you all in love with the idea of him, rather? Or the guy from the book? He was literally in this thing for three episodes, we never actually knew him, nor was he even given the chance to develop or have any sort of story. I see so so much hate about Echo and her lack of development and yet in the same breath y’all are talking about missing Wells and oh what a wonderful character he was. Spare me. He was a character full to the brim with potential and unfortunately that’s all he’ll ever be.

Anya and Lexa, too. I don’t really have opinions formed on either of them, nor do I really care to

a character who deserved better

I mean with that minor Wells rant aside and half a step into my hypocrisy boots…Wells did. Lol. I think he absolutely deserved better than to be killed off in order to push a white woman’s story forwards. I think he deserved better than to have been all about Clarke, his entire character about serving her character, even in death. This show has a history of criminally underusing/sideling/killing their most compelling characters, i think Wells would’ve been such a fun addition to the main band, i wonder how his personality would’ve expanded, what could his arcs have looked like? i think about how his dynamics would form and fair, what might he think of Clarke now?

Jasper deserved better than to have become a nihilist’s wet dream. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, i really do. The creators, some of the fans even, chat about how it’s a gritty reality, sometimes it’s just Like That, and in some ways that’s absolutely right, but in a show of such loss to have this bleak ending for a character like this is just…a bit of an overkill? What’s wrong with hopeful endings? I mean we literally already had a similar scenario occur with Luna a mere episode(s) before. A woman who strives for nothing more than peace loses her faith in humanity and so fights for death. Why they felt the need to kick a dead horse by doing the same thing with Jasper is beyond me.

Listen many character have demonstrated suicidal tendancies at some point or another: Clarke, Murphy, Bellamy, Octavia, Harper and so on, but Jasper is the only one that gets the actual suicide? The character who’s canon mental illness has been more on the explicit and expressed side, the first victim of the ground, the very character who we’ve watched struggle his way through four seasons with an inconsistent or otherwise absent support system, his story ended with suicide. It’s devastating and, frankly, disrespectful. As if he was too far gone to find his way back into the light.

We saw clearly Monty’s reactions to Jasper’s death, but we didn’t see him grieve- he was busy rushing to survive the end of the world. This show loves sidestepping the consiquences of big events they write- there’s always a new threat to face which means everyone gets to move on abnormally quickly. Nobody asked about Jasper in Becca’s lab, we never actually saw anyone except for Clarke find out about this, nobody in the bunker either, not Octavia, and no mentions of Jasper in season five besides Monty begging him to be wrong about humanity. This show isn’t great with handling their deceased either. They want to focus on a fresh plot and not be stuck dragging around that dead weight. Finn isn’t mentioned in relation to Raven despite his importance to her story and of the fact this specific death shook the whole show. Wells’ has been removed from memory despite Clarke being the protagonist who we should know most intimately. I feel most detached from her, honestly. We’ve had a fair amount of Lincoln, though, and a consistantly aggressive reaffirmal of Lexa’s existence. But Jasper just isn’t here. He isn’t talked about. Jasper suffered, and Monty was right there in front of him trying to hand him that peaceful life he always dreamed of, ready to lift him (literally) out of that pain, and he died. Harper got to change her mind last minute, so did Raven, but not Jasper, no, his body went up in flames with the rest of it. The way they filmed the scene was gut-wrenching because of the hopelessness and coldness of it all. And i think he deserved to be spacekru, to heal somewhat up there, and oh what fun would he have been in season five. What would he be like now? What would he think of what became of everyone else? Of Clarke and of Octavia? Again, such wasted potential.

Jasper was one of The 100 on a show named after them, his death brought that to 4, and i can’t emphasise to you enough how big a mistake it was to craft a show around a certain group of people and then abandon that idea entirely. Your show is named something that it isn’t even about!!

Lexa deserved a more respectful death.

Bellamy deserved better than to be murdered brutally by the writers during season 6.

a ship i’ve never been able to get into

Bellarke. Braven. Murven. Clexa. Wicken/Ravick(?). Octabriel. Kabby

a ship i’ve never been able to get over

Becho. Memori. Jasper and Octavia were very sweet

a cute, low-key ship

Linctavia. It was always more of a background ‘ship’ for me. And Marper!

an unpopular ship but i still enjoyed it

Becho and Murphamy

a ship that was totally wrong and never should’ve happened

Flarke

my favourite storyline/moment

favourite storyline(s): delinquents finding a way to live on the ground and mount weather!

Favourite moment: i don’t think i have one TBH

my first thoughts on the show

It was exactly what i was looking for; a post-apoc teen drama, a little corny, a little gritty. I enjoyed season 1, and then 2, but with the constantly rising stakes to absolutely obscene levels eventually, my interest dwindled. By season 4 there was an almost desolate feeling and all the potential this had was dead and buried. They could’ve gone so many ways, done so much more, but for reasons unknown they chose possibly the weirdest and least interesting route available. I really thought they’d exhausted all their story by the end of 4 and i was, of course, absolutely correct since s5 was…more of the same…a literal recycled storyline that had been done not once but twice before it. In season 1 and then again in season 2. Since joining tumblr and fandom and seeing things from a various new angles, reading of social implications and meta on how sections of the writing are flawed, i’ve crafted a more informed and complex opinion than i had as a casual viewer and now see most aspects of the show in a completely different light.

my thoughts now

I’m over it. I think it could be safe to say i hate what it became. Most of my opinions of it now are negative, or at the very least have a critical component to them. I haven’t genuienly enjoyed it since season four and it hasn’t been actually decent since season two. It has a lot of deeper issues engrained into it’s writing, and there was a before when you could criticise those choices and obvious flaws and still be able to enjoy the show as it’s own entity because it existed as one at that time. But now it feels like an empty shell void of all life. With how broken and goofy the writing has become i just can’t take it seriously anymore. Characterisation and consistency have been thrown out in favour of serving the plot many many times before, but season 6 brought this to a whole new low. Dialogue was clumsy and there was a LOT of information dumping, it focused much too heavily on new characters nobody cared about, things were swinging from one extreme to another in terms of character arcs (see: Octavia’s full redemption and transformation basically overnight, and Bellamy switching from set to commit genocide in Clarke’s honour and ‘[we let these people die because] it’s not my fault their delusional’ to ‘let’s do better for Monty i am suddenly King of morality’) and in relationships (see: Bellamy instantly forgiving Clarke and then abandoning everyone and everything to save her, meanwhile he’s demonising Octavia like he’s getting paid for it). The characters just aren’t people anymore, they’re wheels that move the plot forward (in any way that’s required regardless of whether or not it’s actually in line with canon), and let’s not even talk about the science that pushes the envelope too far and Clarke’s insane plot armour. I’ve beaten this rant to death at this point so I won’t get any more into it. But just know: what was once a genuine fondness of this show has turned poisonous since.

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Banished (Part 16)

*Not my Gif*

Summary: When the 100 was sent to the ground, Y/N Y/L/N was one of them. Having been locked up for almost 8 years, how will she react to surviving on Earth? Especially when she gets banished…

Post Date: 9-20-19

Paring: Bellamy Blake x Reader (it’s gonna get there, I promise 😉)

Word Count: 2.1K

A/N: I know this one was mainly focused on Y/N but I hope I make up for that later and it will make more sense! Also sorry for the wait on Bellamy and her but you know, I’m not really sorry! 😊

I might post another teaser on Wednesday if people want it!

~Banished Master List~

~Master Lists~

*Based off episode 2x03 of the 100 “Reapercussions”

Nothing could’ve prepared you for seeing an army of grounders in cages but your eyes never left Anya in front of you, practically cowering when she met your seething ones. Your breath shook when Clarke put her hand against the cage.

“We’re gonna get you out of here.” She assured her. You didn’t want to believe her, sure leaving someone in these cages was barbaric and cruel but it didn’t matter. Anya and her men tortured you. They tortured Murphy and if it was up to you they’d all be locked in here.

“Clarke.” You muttered making the girl look at you. Your eyes still pierced at Anya, unwavering for a second as Clarke saw what you were getting at.

“We can’t leave them. They’ll kill them.” She argued. You let out a sigh, trying to control the anger building inside of you.

“Better them than us.” Clarke ignored you, finding a crowbar and prying open the door to her cage. “We have to go!” You whispered harshly, grabbing Clarke’s arm and stopping her from working more. She gawked at you before giving the final pressure to break the door open.

“We need her. With her help we can get an alliance with the Grounders.”

“You won’t get an alliance if we’re all dead.” The door to the harvest chamber beeped when it started to open and you and Clarke froze. Anya was beginning to climb out of the cage before Clarke shoves her back in, joining her in the cramped enclosure. You knew three people couldn’t fit in there and you could see Dr. Tsing making her way past the draining body so you closed their cage door and slowly moved to the end of the aisle where you hoped she couldn’t see you.

You looked between the slots of the cage in front of you, watching the doctor pick up a bag of blood from the freezer before turning down the aisle where Anya, Clarke and you sat waiting. Crouching down, you could barely see anything before a hand moved out to touch yours on the bars. The woman inside brought her fingers to her lips, telling you to keep quiet as you nodded, trusting the grounder in front of you for absolutely no reason. Her hand shot out of the cage towards Tsing and she moaned, it was weird to see but what threw you off the most was how everyone copied, making the doctor uncomfortable and retreating back to the medical room.

“Thank you.” You whispered to the tired girl who settled back into her cage, letting her eyes close. Clarke was pulling Anya out before you ran over to them, throwing Anya’s arm over your shoulder and holding her up because you knew leaving her behind wasn’t an option anymore. Clarke ran ahead, pulling open a door that said ‘End Containment Area’ as you all filed in. You dropped Anya’s arm and clutched your stomach, trying to ignore the heavy pain passing through you as the door closed on you three.

Had you have been paying more attention, maybe you would’ve noticed the floor before it disappeared from under you.

The three of you groaned when you hit ground, and your stomach was practically throbbing in pain.

"Next time, don't open your wounds." you whispered to yourself and met Clarke's eyes. It was only then did you realize a hand was laying on your shoulder that most defiantly wasn't yours, Clarke's, or Anya's.

You grimaced and pushed the dead hand off of you, bracing yourself on the edge of the cart to join Clarke and Anya on the other side.

Clarke spotted a pile of clothes on the ground as Anya turned to look at you.

“I’m not leaving my people.” She argues while holding herself up with weak arms against the cart.

“We’ll come back for them, but you can’t help them right now without getting out of here first.” You tried to get her to understand as Clarke informed her about the guards but she just wouldn’t listen.

“There is no ‘we’.” The sound of someone shouting causes you to tense up, knowing nothing good could come out of this. “Someone’s coming.” Anya said pointing out the obvious. You stared at the tunnel where the sounds were coming from as shadows danced across the walls.

“Reapers.” You whispered before Anya tried to pick up something to fight with, receiving a scolding from Clarke before you were all jumping back into the cart of people. You closed your eyes when the Reapers dumped more barely living bodies right on top of you and pushed the cart away with you along with it.

You tried not to move as the grounders on you pushed into your stomach, making you wince every time the cart made a turn the only thing you could do was stare into Clarke’s equally afraid eyes. The cart stopped and the grounders hailed some bodies out, leaving the few of you in the cart with the rest. Clarke peaked over the cart as you pushed the grounder off of you.

“Come on. We have to go.” Clarke whispered before you sat up, realizing the man was groaning in pain. It hurt you to see him like this, even if you didn’t know him. Pushing the hair out of his face you ignored the stares of Anya and Clarke as she yells at you to go.

“Yu gonplei ste odon.” You snapped snapped the grounders neck, letting it echo in the quiet cart before you jump out. Anya watched you the entire time, curious as she observed what Lincoln had taught you about Grounder traditions.

The three of you made your way through the tunnels, trying to find any way to the outside but you couldn’t. “This place is a maze!” You shouted and came to a stop, leaning your hands on your knees to catch your breath. Your body ached from the running and you’d do anything for a quick rest but it wasn’t in your cards apparently.

“What were they doing with us?” Anya asks as Clarke looks down the tunnel, checking for Reapers.

“They’re using your blood.” You told her as she furrowed her brows, letting you straighten your breathing out. “Your bloods healing them somehow. I don’t know but someone with major burn marks apparently got all better in a matter of days.” You followed Clarkes lead, peaking around the corner side of the tunnel before Anya walked past you. “Where are you going?”

“You go your way, I’ll go mine.” She declared as you threw your arms up, letting Clarke take the lead on convincing her to stay. You didn’t care if she left or not, you only cared about getting out of here and back to- and back to no one. You clenched your jaw when Bellamy popped into your mind, you knew he had to be alive but so what if he was? You and him weren’t anything and you’d never truly allow yourself to be. You didn’t know him. And he most definitely didn’t know you. That what you had to keep telling yourself and maybe you’d believe it.

“Let’s go.” Clarke grumbled as she pushed past you, letting you realize Anya was no where to be found. You didn’t press it though. Instead you followed the leader going after Anya and looking out for Reapers as much as you could.

Neither of you said much as you walked down each tunnel, keeping the conversation to a quick ‘which way’ and nothing more, until Clarke brought up the one conversation you didn’t want to have.

“I’m sorry we closed the doors to the drop ship.” You bit your lip and nodded, putting yourself more into searching in order to ignore her, but she wouldn’t have been deterred. “You understand why we had to do it right?”

“Clarke. I don’t blame you for closeting the doors.” You assured her in a harsh tone, causing her to stop walking and stare wide eyed. You sighed, placing your hands on hips and looking at the ground. Honestly, you weren’t mad at Clarke for closing the doors, you would’ve done the same thing. What you were mad at exceeded that problem by a mile. “I’m mad because I came back and everyone treated me like I never left. They treated me like they didn’t kick me out and lock the door.”

You were mad because no one bothered to convince Clarke and Bellamy to let you stay. They only tried after you were gone, but by then the damage was already done. It was Clarke’s turn to nod her head and you scoffed, letting your emotions get the better of you. You were about to let her have it before groans filled your ears and you and Clarke took off running.

Your feet pounded against the dirt below you, scraping to a stop when the tunnel walls brought you in.

“Please, no!” Clarke pleaded as if it would’ve made a difference. You pounded on the tunnel walls,, hoping something would’ve happened but nothing. Until a high pitched screeching caused you to snap your head back, seeing heavily covered guards pointing guns towards you both and the Reapers fell to the ground. You thought they shot them at first before you realized that the sound caused them to fall.

“Clarke Griffin, Y/N Y/L/N, you’re coming with us.” One of them ordered as you and Clarke exchanged worried glances. They began to make their way to you and you stepped back to the wall, pressing your back as one of them grabbed your arm.

“No!” You yelled and shoved her fist into the side of his face, causing his to stumble back as two more guards grabbed your elbows, not letting you take another swing. You thought Clarke would’ve fought back or something but she didn’t, only trying to talk with them as they pulled you along the tunnels again. Your head hung low ignoring the possessive hands griping you no matter how hard you try and make them release.

“We know what you’re doing to them. We know everything.” Clarke argues as you take a small glance at her, hoping she’d stop talking. You knew better than to talk back when someone else is in power. She didn’t seem to catch your eyes before the guard spoke up.

“That’s why you’re going right into the harvest chamber with them.” He told you both before speaking to the people inside Mount Weather, telling them to open up. You were about to admit defeat before a cry above caused you to have hope and Anya swung in, ripping the helmets off the guards. When they started screaming out in pain and released you you tried to fight back, pulling one of their masks off before they screamed.

“The masks!” You cried out as Clarke and Anya started ripping off their masks and soon they all fell, allowing you to run away. You didn’t get far though as Anya led you to a clearing in the tunnel walls. You leaned over, catching the water colliding on the surface and Clarke shook her head.

“There has to be another way.” She shouted barely audible over the sound of rushing water. The guards round the corner and Clarke held up a fun she nabbed from the guards earlier, pointing it at them as Anya took the jump.

“Clarke, come on!” You yelled as she looked back at you, seeing the worry in your face when you glanced between her and the guard. She reluctantly put her hand down before turning into a full sprint towards the edge of the dam. You followed, not listening to the shouts of the guards as they neared you before you fell off.

The water rushed past your ears as you hit the surface, instantly getting sucked under as water infiltrated your lungs. You started to black out as you fought to the surface only for a pair of hands to wrap around your waist, hauling you to shore and letting water sputter out of your mouth.

You gasped for a breath, clenching your wrists together before opening your eyes. Clarke passed out was the first thing you saw and thought she might’ve had the same thing that happened to you happen to her but when Anya looked down at you holding a rock you knew it wasn’t like that.

“You burned 300 of my warriors and I can’t show my face without a prize.” She said before the rock made contact with your skull, knocking you out and leaving you defenseless.

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[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 1

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929

Part 2- Chapter 1: Breathe Again

"Wake up, Shepard!"

As she fell through the haze of darkness and brain fog, she saw flashes of dark space, burning light, and bright blue eyes. When her eyes started to flutter open to a blindingly white lab ceiling and the loud voice sharpened until she could identify it as a woman's. Memories were starting to come back to her, and she was only more confused realizing that the last thing she knew, her lungs were popping and she was dying. On instinct, she clutched her chest, but her lungs were functioning just fine, sucking in normal air.

And based on the heart thudding in her chest, dying wasn't the case anymore.

She didn't really have the time to think about that for long, though. Between the overcom instructions and muscle memory, she basically ran like a bot on command. Anya understood she was in a Cerberus facility, and she got that yes, she did die, but they brought her back, and that this Jacob guy was way too friendly. But past that? She just shot shit and hoped it worked out. Lucky for her, some of her muscles felt even nicer than she remembered.

By the end of it, she was helping out the uncomfortably attractive Miranda person and too-friendly Jacob survive their own base. The weird part, though, was having other people all up in arms about protecting her. Because from what she could gather, the organization pumped billions of credits into her.

If she was ever asked how much weight on her back might finally break her, billions might do it.

Anya still couldn't quite wrap her head around it. Culture and firefights were her wheelhouse. Economics were not. All the numbers and metrics Miranda kept throwing just gave her dark flashbacks to when her mother abandoned her in Alliance accounting to "learn a thing or two" and she just ended up hiding in a closet.

Mostly unrelated, that's how she met her first crush, Ryel. He was also hiding from "learning a thing or two".

Honestly, Anya wasn't even sure her brain knew how to process linear time until they were back at another Cerberus base. Jacob had asked her some questions about her record and memory, but she did that on autopilot.

Hopefully she answered everything right.

When she finally felt like she could count her fingers in a row without getting distracted, she was already being thrown in front of the infamous Illusive Man.

He blabbered on about his investments and creations and all his plans for her, like any manipulative movie villain. Shepard was quick to cut him off. "What stops me from taking the resources you give me and heading straight back to the Alliance?"

Looking a little shocked, he laughed. "I can't help but admire your bluntless, however ill-advised." His fingers twined into each other as he sat on his asshole chair. Anya wished she could kick the hologram over, but she knew what that kind of look meant: a planned answer. "Let's put it this way, Shepard: you're basically walking around with a Cerberus receipt on your back. Go back to the Alliance, too up in their own asses getting defensive instead of offensive, and you'll be grounded until they decide you're not a spy. I'll give you much more flexibility, as long as you take my concessions."

"And what are those?"

"Use my ships, my people, my contacts. Hunt down the Collectors. Pull together dossiers that I suggest and you like. Do whatever you want, just make sure to send reports back to me."

"So I don't have to follow your dumbass orders?"

"Unfortunately, you seem most effective on your own." It was at least a little satisfying that he seemed genuinely annoyed by that fact. Guy might be an asshole, but a pragmatic one. "As much as your ideology and attitude pain me, Shepard, you are the best shot humanity has. Backing you is the only option."

"Understood." Shepard paused, not sure if she wanted to bring up the people that mattered most to her in front of him. But when it came to saving lives, she needed to factor them into the equation. "Any of these dossiers for my old teammates? People I trust?"

"Wrex and Tali are tied up with their people. Kaidan is an Alliance boy, through and through. T'soni is deliberately elusive, and Vakarian has gone dark. But I do have one surprise for you."

Anya's heart had already stopped dead at the thought of Garrus being MIA, but there had to be more to it. He had to be alright. Cerberus was a shady organization with a wealth of information. "Gone dark" couldn't be it. Maybe they had a few clues and, if they passed them along, she could find him. After all this, she couldn't come back to a galaxy without those bright blue eyes in it. Her favorite, dumb turian had to be somewhere and she had to be able to find out where. She opened her mouth and said, "Wait-"

But the Illusive Man gave her a wave and the most irritating smirk she'd ever seen in her life. "We'll talk again soon enough, Shepard." And then he disappeared, leaving the room an empty, black square.

She was ready to shoot his dumb face for cutting her off. While Anya knew that really wasn't an option, she at least kicked her foot at the ground like she kicked his stupid chair out from under him. It was marginally satisfying.

But most of all, she was mad because regardless if Garrus was missing, he was fucking right about the Alliance. She needed to get shit done, not get stuck in bureaucracy. Bastard had her under his thumb. For now.

All her violent thoughts went silent, though, when she walked out to see someone she'd never expect in a Cerberus uniform.

Chronic lean and annoying smile in tow, Joker said, "about time you dragged your ass out of the grave."

Anya didn't mean to, but she pulled him into her arms and hugged him, tight. It was the first time anything in this new reality of hers felt real. He groaned under her grip. Anya released his shoulders, hoping she didn't break anything. After everything, seeing him... It was so refreshing she had to hold on tight. She said, "Sorry! Sorry. How are you...?"

"Cerberus said they were rebuilding you and my baby. And Alliance didn't feel right without you. How the hell could I say no?"

Overall she still wasn't sure how she felt about Joker in a Cerberus uniform, but it didn't matter. Everything about this moment was overwhelming, and after hours of dazed autopilot, it all hit her. She lost two years, lost time with the people she loved, and now she was back and at least Joker was still here. Anya didn't mean to, but her eyes welled up with tears. "It's so good to see you."

"Hell, Shep. Don't think I've ever seen you cry." What he said was a joke, but Joker put a hand on her shoulder.

Regaining composure, on instinct Shepard shrugged his hand off. But the second she did, she grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. It felt so wrong to push him away, knowing she'd lost him. And if it wasn't for Cerberus, it would've been forever. "This rebooted body comes with a lot of surprises." In her head, she kept replaying every second here with him, trying to notice any possible differences in his face, voice, demeanor. She couldn't help but notice he seemed a little seriouser, even if his humor didn't show it. But then something he said came back to her, and she raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what did you say about your baby?"

He smirked. "Come with me."

Anya followed him down a few halls until they were in front of a huge docking window. She didn't mean to stop breathing, but right in front of her-

"The Normandy. Good as new, eh? With some new Cerberus features. Chairs are nicer, but the crew still isn't mine yet. Having my family there will make it better." Joker leaned on the railing and looked right at her. "Leaving the Alliance wasn't easy, but if it meant having you and my ship? There wasn't any other option." Grumbling, he also added, "Anyway, they grounded me for way too long after the funeral."

His jokes slid right past her consciousness. Instead, Anya was just staring at the ship that changed her life; the one she called home. It was different, but it was hers. That wasn't some easy thing to swallow. Hell, none of this was easy to swallow. "Oh my god. I still can't believe you're Cerberus. What did my mother say about you doing this?"

"You think I have a death wish? No, I delayed that suffering. As far as Oksana knows, I went on a trip and fell off the grid. If I'm lucky, she'll just think I went on a bender."

"Christ. Mama bear's going to kill you."

Joker scoffed and bumped Shepard's shoulder. With so much new tissue in her body, it almost felt alien. But the memories? They made sure Anya knew that she just got some of her family back. He countered, "Me? Talk about yourself, zombie commander."

"Maybe we seek forgiveness once this blows over, not ask permission."

"Sounds good enough to me."

Trying to stay casual, Anya kept all her stunned staring to a minimum. But she did admit to him how important seeing him was, in her own way. She wasn't the best with saying what she should. She just hoped it was enough. "I'm happy to see a familiar face. None of this felt... Real."

"I know, right?" Joker rolled his shoulders, and she wondered who'd been bandaging his shoulders or keeping an eye out for him the past two years. He didn't need it, per se, but it was apart of who she was with him. It made her chest ache, knowing how his routines changed because she got herself killed. Who did he go to when he got drunk? Or was he just alone now?

Joker himself interrupted her thoughts. "These Cerberus guys don't tell me anything. Are we getting any of the old team?"

If her heart wasn't caving in enough about Joker, what the Illusive Man said about Tali, Kaidan, Garrus... It all hit her like a thundering pack of Varren. Anya shook her head at him. "No one. A lot has changed in two years. It looks like it's just you and me this time, spearheading a new crew."

"I haven't seen most of them since the funeral. None of us were the same, after that." She watched his shoulders sag, a weight and responsibility she'd never seen on him. He stood up straight and said, refusing to meet her eyes, "Anya, I'm-"

"Don't." Leaning her head on his shoulder, she added, "I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Sighing, Joker flashed her a smile that didn't seem all that real, but she still appreciated it. "Ready to save the Galaxy again?"

"Nope. But we're going to do it anyway."

"Sounds about right."

///

I so very much my best girl Anya Shepard. I love the strong badass and awkward middle school ballerina wrapped up on one. Time for her to get back to saving the galaxy, friends!

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And extra thanks to my lovely patrons:

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[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 4

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929

Part 2- Chapter 4: The Turian in Med-Bay

When Anya woke up, she wasn't in med-bay anymore. That gave her a nice bout of cardiac arrest. However, it only took a few seconds of staring at shades of black and white to realize she was just across the deck, in Miranda's pristine office.

And sitting at her desk was the aforementioned liaison.

As she started sitting up, Miranda swung her chair around and gave Anya a very concerned set of thick eyebrows. "Shepard, I don't normally try to pry into anyone's personal lives, but..."

This was bullshit. Anya was going to get out of here, walk over to med bay, and go back to Garrus. Last she remembered, she was sitting at Chakwas' desk, waiting for him to get out of surgery behind a large white curtain. She needed to be back there, whatever time it was, because she'd left him for long enough and she couldn't stay away just because some pretty Cerberus agent wanted to police who the fuck she was.

She was Anya fucking Shepard, and she didn't abandon her team. What the fuck did Miranda even know about her, anyway?

But then Anya saw her sweats on the side table and she gave Miranda a little more credit. The way her shoulder shrieked when she tried to touch it also slowed her down a bit.

Swallowing, she shimmied on the sweats while sitting and asked, "But what?"

Miranda walked over from her chair and sat down next to Anya. "All accounts made it clear you were close to your team. But when we evacuated that apartment, you wouldn't even let me look at your bruises. And before we reached Archangel, you lost your head about his identity. I need to ask: what is your relationship with him?"

When she started talking, Shepard was already prepared to answer about her mission objectivity when it came to him, which she could back up with the entirety of the Saren mission. However, that wasn't what Miranda said. She was thrown by it.

Anya went to let her hair down, but realized her bun was already ruined by the bed. She just detangled the ties and pins left in her mess of locks. Then she got to do a run-through with her fingers, calming her down a little. While she didn't feel comfortable baring her tragic turian crush to Miranda, she could at least give her most of the facts. "On our mission with Saren, Garrus became my best friend. My confidant. He pushed me to be my best and I relied on that. I resigned myself to getting used to a new team here, but finding him-" Taking a deep breath, Anya got to the admission. "He was one of the people who evacuated the Normandy when the Collectors attacked. I told him I'd find him, but I didn't. I fucking died. I abandoned him for two years. I couldn't let him die, too, after all that. But more selfishly? I haven't felt myself since I woke up. Just a few seconds with him, though, and I was Commander Anya Shepard again. I couldn't lose that, not when everything about me feels so incorporeal."

With her slightly too perceptive eyebrows, Miranda asked, "Is that all you were?"

Remembering the morning after Noveria, Anya winced. "Yes."

"Okay." Across from her, Miranda looked very hesitant, but after a few awkward fakeouts, she patted Shepard's hand with her own. If she wasn't so tense and stressed about a certain turian, she would've laughed. But the way Miranda patted her, like she was an alien object, did make her chuckle under her breath. When she stopped trying to physically comfort her, Miranda said, "I understand none of this has been easy, Shepard. We never planned to wake you up like this. It was supposed to be a longer adjustment period. But with the attack and The Collectors escalating their raids-"

Anya stared at the empty, pointed corner of the ceiling. She knew where this speech went. Since Akuze, she'd heard it over and over. "The galaxy needs Commander Shepard back." Standing on her own, Anya crossed her arms and looked down at Miranda. The young woman definitely meant well, much better than she expected out of Cerberus. But that didn't change things. "I appreciate the concern, Miranda, but I'm not going to fuck over the galaxy for him. I just want to keep him alive."

Those eyebrows furrowed again, and Miranda stood up and opened her mouth to rebute, but a knock on the door caught both their attention. In the doorway, with her hands now behind her back, Chakwas said, "Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but my patient's awake. And he wants to see Shepard."

Glancing back at Miranda, Anya shrugged. No matter how totally fun this judgy conversation was, she made her priorities clear. And a hurt Garrus trumped invasive Cerberus liaison every day.

Anya gave Miranda and Chakwas respectful nods before leaving the room. She tucked her hands in her pockets and tried to ignore the full damn Rachni stampede going on in between her lungs and intestines. When she started walking she was moving fast, but each step got harder.

It was easy to do surface level shit on Omega. She wasn't sure what awaited her in the med-bay.

What if Garrus hated her, after what she did?After all, she was pretty sure out of everyone, he was the one who knew she was well aware of her odds when she walked up those stairs. Depending on how things went these past two years, maybe he had every right to.

But she also cared more about the friend she missed, who took a damn rocket to his face, than her own dumb insecurities.

Taking a slow, deep breath, the kind you feel all the way to your toes, she walked through the door and there he was. He was leaning back against a bed, even looked annoyed by it. But instead of a blood halo around his face, he just had a new, jagged scar covering his right cheek.

One step in, and his head flicked over to her. He gave her this slow, warm smile. All her worst fears melted away. "Shepard." He said her name like it was the last line to his favorite movie. The rest of the steps towards him were easy.

Resting her hands on the edge of the med-bed, centimeters from his own, she smiled back. "Welcome back to the Normandy."

"I see that." His eyes flicked around the room and she knew that look. She'd been giving the entire ship those surreal scans of every inch, because they all still felt like memories. But then his eyes flicked to hers. That surreal look didn't leave his face when he stared at her.

Garrus asked, "Chakwas hasn't given me a mirror, tell me, how bad is it?"

Anya almost breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't sure if she was ready for them to get all deep with their conversations yet. Right now, it was just nice to hear his voice. Responding in kind, she smirked. "Hate to tell you Garrus, but you never were a classic beauty. Slap some face paint and no one will notice."

His laugh might've been even nicer than his voice. But then he winced. Anya's hand instinctively reached for him, but he shook his head. "Ouch. Don't make me laugh too hard." After a few cautious breaths, he managed his classic smirk. She didn't realize how much she liked seeing it. "Anyway, some women are into the whole scar thing. Granted, most of those women are krogan."

When she laughed, it felt like she was trying out a new muscle. Apparently she hadn't been laughing enough in this updated body. "I don't think Wrex is in a place to find you a wife."

"All my hopes and dreams, ruined." Before she could be properly prepared, he placed his hand on hers. Anya felt that laugh drop out from under her. All she wanted to do was look in his eyes and listen. His fingers squeezed hers. "I can't believe it's you. We're talking like you didn't suffocate in the vacuum of space and that's really damn weird, right?"

Garrus was making all her insides feel different things, but she wasn't sure the memory of her own death was a very positive one. Her hand clenched under his and she stared at it, like she was crushing her own chest with her hand. "I know. I still can't really wrap my head around it. I felt my lungs pop and everything." When she looked up, his face had darkened in a way she'd never seen before. "Too graphic?"

"No. Just reminds me how much I wanted to kill Kaidan for leaving you."

"Garrus, he-"

Pulling his hand from hers, Garrus shook his head. His whole body rippled with a rage she'd never seen before. She knew he had a lot of angst and frustration back in the day, but nothing like this. Garrus said, "He was with Joker, and chose to run down and see you instead of protect the pilot and evacuate him when necessary. He knew exactly what he was doing."

Anya didn't really want to think of who to blame. Especially since she made the call, at the end of the day. "If it wasn't the Collectors, it would've been something else."

"I know. But it's hard to live with the fact I knew how much danger you were in and I let you walk away. If I blame myself, I'm gonna blame them, too."

Thinking of Joker a deck above, she knew it wasn't that easy. That whole day was... Well, they weren't prepared and it was a miracle so many people survived in the first place. Anya went to open her mouth, try to say something, but the intercom interrupted her. "Shep, Illusive Man wants to talk to you."

Her skin rippled with irritated pin needles. "Well tell him to fuck off, Joker."

"I don't think he operates on Council channels. He says he'll link himself into the room if you don't."

"Fuck."

Next to her, Garrus said, "Do what you need to do. I'll be here."

"But Garrus, we've barely talked-"

"I know, we have a lot to talk about. We can do that later, though."

Anya sighed. Their serious conversation always seemed to get interrupted, didn't they? Next time, she'll have to tell EDI to kill the comms until they were done. Standing, she said, "You leave this ship while I'm gone and I'll hunt you down all over again."

"Now don't you start making a breakout sound tempting." He chuckled, but then did another wincing cough. The cough gave her some pause, but he waved her away. Anya couldn't budge, even though she knew she probably should. Rolling his eyes, he said, "Seriously, get out of here before you make me pop a lung, too."

She knew she was prolonging her exit, but the rocket-to-the-face still left shockwaves of concern thrumming through her chest. "Get better, Garrus."

"I'm already a lot better than where you found me."

And she didn't need to be told twice to walk away from that, because that made her cheeks feel a little warm and she didn't have the time to explain.

Damn the Illusive Man for taking her away from all the confusing feelings in med-bay. Back in the day, she'd be happy to run. But now? She wished she could stay and try to figure it out.

So, lucky for the hologram asshole himself, she was going to say hi with more annoyed flair today.

Walking into the meeting room, she stuffed her hands in her pockets and said, "I'm ready, Joker."

Around her, the space turned dark and she was standing in front of that chair with a pretty displeased looking Cerberus leader. Anya could get down with that, pissing him off. She relaxed her shoulders and asked, "What'd I do this time?"

"Caused a power vacuum in Omega the size of a small moon. Extracting him didn't mean killing everyone in sight, Shepard. I thought you were Alliance."

"Oh no, I definitely needed to kill them all."

"Don't let your personal feelings get in the way of the mission."

"Worry not, your Miss Lawson already got that covered."

"Just pull your new team together, ASAP. The Collectors won't wait for sentiment." "What are you wearing?"

"Sweats. The Collectors won't wait for fashion." The statement only seemed to annoyed him further, but he didn't have a rebuttal prepared. "Is that all?"

"Head to the prison ship, Shepard, and do the job everyone needs you to do."

"Got it. Bye." Shutting off the call, she let all the self-inflated dickry that she pumped up for the call blow away. Instead, the weight of everything just sunk down onto her chest, like it always did. Sarcastically, she added, "Like I don't know by now that the galaxy's at stake."

Before she told Joker to head out, she had one thing to settle. The call was quicker than she expected, so she went down the elevator and booked it to med-bay. However, the second she got close, she saw Garrus through the glass, passed out. When she got close, Chakwas was already in the way. "I assumed you'd be back. Garrus has been sedated. He needs some forced rest for a few days. God knows that man isn't good at doing it willingly."

Anya exhaled, encasing her disappointment in layers of duty. She didn't have time to talk about her feelings right now, anyway. She had dossiers.

But if anyone asked her if The Illusive Man said anything right, she'd vehemently deny it. Mostly because of his asshole chair; it said way too much about how much of a jerk he was.

Nodding, Shepard patted Chakwas' shoulder. "Thanks, doc. Take care of him."

"I will."

Back up to the command deck, Anya pushed thoughts of Garrus away and met up with Joker in the cockpit. "Drive this hunk of metal to a prison ship."

Joker didn't seem too pleased with her cranky vernacular. "Apologize to my baby before you put her in that kind of danger."

"Fine. Sorry, Normandy. Now please take her to the grizzled, heavily armed, terrifying prison ship."

"I don't think that's better." He paused for a second, before asking what she already knew he'd ask. "I take it the reunion with Mister stick-up his ass wasn't great? Granted, seems his MO now is taking that stick out and beating people with it."

"I don't know yet."

"Ominous."

The smooth voice of the robotic co-pilot interrupted them. "Is it a turian custom to have sticks up their rectum?" Shepard blinked at EDI, since that wasn't what she expected out of an AI. "Jeff keeps mentioning it every time he talks about Garrus Vakarian."

Shepard whacked the back of the pilot's head. "Get a new joke."

"Don't make this about me. This is about you, cranky-sweats."

Anya sighed. "EDI, ignore Joker's nonsensical insults. I'll teach you better ones." But then she got real with her pseudo-family, because if she wasn't at least a little honest with him, she doubted she'd survive the turmoil. "And when it comes to Garrus, I'm not quite sure what my death did to him."

"Well, dude was a wreck at the funeral. After what happened to him on Omega? Can't blame him for being a little fucked up."

"I know."

Joker swiveled around his chair and said, "But I also know he cares a shit ton about you. I don't think some mercs or even you being a zombie will change that."

"Thanks, Joker." Anya patted his shoulder and flexed her eyebrows. "Now time for the prison ship?"

Turning back around, Joker groaned, "Dammit. Fine."

And off they were. Until Garrus was back up and running, the best she could do was do her job. Even if that meant she'd keep worrying about him in the back of her mind.

Old habits die hard, and the way Garrus' face looked right now made them really easy to stumble back into.

///

Author's Note:

So excited to get the band back together and really enjoy the awesomeness of Mass Effect 2 in my own way. It's my favorite of the series, and was my first ME game, so I'm hyped.

But at the end of the day, we're all just happy our favorite turian is okay. 

Thank you so much for reading, and extra special, ice cream sundae thanks to my patrons:

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