#am i supposed to do??? everything i do is wrong i guess but im the only one who really does housework
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Please don't read this
#vent#but#god its really hard to not wanna kill myself#i set no hope for the next four years#i still have no job and still live with my parents#my boyfriend is a state away#and i feel like complete shit for even complaining about this because i live in fucking california#like i have the least to be scared of supposedly#im not black#im not mexican or latino#im not visibly disabled#i shouldnt be scared of anything#but im half asian#half#biracial#im autistic#im visibly trans even if people all tell me i pass#i keeo getting things telling me to save everything to an external harddrive in case the internet becomes a space where being what i am#is disgusting ang wrong#but guess fucking what!!!#i dont fucking have one!!!#i dont have a computer!!!!!!#WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO#i see no light#im just waiting to die#sorry i just needed somewhere to get all this out#sui mention#suicide mention#sui tw#tw sui ideation
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i smacked my stomach in frustration & it reverberated so loud my cats fucking SC ATT E R ED ,,,,,,,,,,,,, i am but a gong. , ,,
#but guess whos finally making their pizza anyways when they should b in a hole decaying#i can barely even remember the past few days#only that they were failures#and im a failure && i am so Dirty#my acid reflux is going crazy i know it must have been bad o(-<#i still feel so disconnected#i think im a bit better#it doesnt feel like someone elses ghost snuck in nd is trying 2 pilot me but didnt know what to do with what they found anymore#i wish going out didnt do that to me#it comes in it sets me up but then i ruin it all . but then it ruins all of what i have back because it doesnt belong here. it doesnt work.#it doesnt fit. and now#im just stuck scared#alone#trying to get back to who i am#i feel so wrong#i am so Wrong#gonna watch jerma and hope it eases me back in but#its like my body thinks it can take from everything and make me fit but it cant its so distorted nd im always left back where we started#it takes from everything i hate#everyone i hate#just to seem like a person#and it makes me harm everything i have#and it feels so wrong the entire time but it has me#and i cant get free and i hate i . its like its supposed to be safe but it isnt#i forgot what it feels like i forgot it existed#it used to happen all the time when i was younger like 13-14 when things got real bad but it feels like the memories exist in a diff world#im deleting spotify again i forgot how music harms me HBJA.. i think it was the mix of going out n then losing myself listening to music#for Hours. it got its claws in me and then boiled me out and dug Deeper & deeper#i remember talking to my therapist about it once but she didnt understand. its like . an overwhelming sense of false clarity#how do i live when this is what happens when i try . do i get a chance to get out . is it just bc im alone. is it just im the same then&now
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Whenever this gets brought up my mom always says "aw I know how you feel I have body dysmorphia too :(" bro I don't have body dysmorphia I know I'm skinny and most of the time I like how I look that's not even the problem so literally just stop brining it up constantly
#i know shes trying to help but Im just annoyed#it was 6 MONTHS AGO Im fine you dont have to act like Im fucking insane#'I just cant believe youd tell a stranger over me I must be doing something wrong' IT WAS A DOCTOR#and yes youre doing a lot of stuff wrong but thats not why I didnt tell you#so calm down#literally all teenagers keep stuff from their parents#am i supposed to go to you and say omg mom Im fucking depressed and dont want to eat#like?? what do you expect#and the doctor TOLD YOU its not helpful to say that you have body dysmorphia too because telling me that does nothing except piss me off#god I fixed everything it was 6 months ago Im literally fine#Okay I do appreciate my mom trying to help I guess I just had to get that out of my system#but whenever my mom and dad talk with me I know my dad is telling the truth when he says you can talk to me about anything and tell us what#we're doing wrong#but my mom is such a liar because anytime anyone tells her something she takes it so fucking personal and then plays the victim while#simultaneously telling the person that theyre playing the victim???
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*checking the tracking information for my package from under a pile of overpriced teas and vitamins* this next herbal supplement will fix me
#g o d what is up with my brain thats been making everything so hard recently#like. im in a job that im MUCH happier with now and loving it. im no longer living a waking trauma nightmare as a call center sup#...why is my brain acting like im forcing it on a trek through fucking mordor just trying to get through a normal day at work#im on break from school. why am i not able to do any of the things that i wanted to do during the semester but was too busy for#why am i not able to do anything that i want to do and if i DO manage to do it why am i not able to enjoy it#why am i living like every moment of my life in fear that im wasting my time or doing something wrong or not good enough#and like i KNOW the answers are adhd and depression and anxiety#but my buddy. my pal. @ the wrinkly fleshy thing in my skull#im on 6 different psychiatric medications with a total of up to 11 individual pills per day. im actively in therapy and have been for years#and my life is currently much better than it maybe has ever been! WHY am i still struggling so hard 😭#like i know recovery isnt a straight line and etc etc but like. it just feels like im doing everything im 'supposed' to do so what gives#so. gonna start drinking more plants i guess and see if that helps. im already on some that seem to help but i think i need more now#bc im having a bad time in my brain prison tbh :(#im not even like upset typing all this out either im just like. bewildered. incredulous. exhausted#lets hope this new overpriced tea fixes me i guess#rambling
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another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies
#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well#i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore#like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week#and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund#and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself!#mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly#ljke. what ks wrong with me#i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be#i really will end it all finally like Actually#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition#theyre too nice to me#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree#and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next#few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband#so. so yeah#but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care#of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself#like i dont think thats possible really.#maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that#so i guess thats why im still trying#but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way#like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still#very much present lingering choking me etc#so that brings me to the following:#im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this?#z.post
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mi do fuoco :D
#the day had started well!! and ive been crying all evening! bitch slay!!#I've come to tge realization that i very much do Not know how to translate greek#I've worked on this fucking translation all afternoon and yeah. didn't understand shit#and I've got a translating test on tuesday#i actually don't know how i got this far with no bad grades in greek bc i absolutely suck at it#with the realization tgat i actually very much Don't know this fucking language. came the one that I'm not gonna be able to do classic lit#in uni probably. because well. i can't do that#btw this happens to me like twice a week#so it's not just like. one translation gone wrong. i just don't know the language#the problem is that I deeply love Latin. and i wouldnt want to give it up. but obviously i will have to because. greek#and so obviously i started thinking tgat I cant do shit. which is kinda true. I should be able to do so many things better than i do#but why like i did everything right. i followed all the steps?? why am i still here. literally at the bottom step of the ladder#in so many of the things i care about#“you can't do well in everything” why tho. i literally always did everyhing i was supposed to#just. whatever i guess.#on an unrelated note if i don't get into theater this year im gonna kill myself#but whatever#sorry for the rant :/
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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oh!
#┈ ✴ ﹙rambling﹚#guess who got kicked from the groupchat bc ig i just dont make the fucking cut for their elite inner circle!!!!#meeeeee :33 i did :333#happy april fools day to me! the biggest fucking fool#tonights big loser#not gonna get into details actually bc for once im sad and not mad and i need to take the time to relearn how to process that#ngl! doesnt feel good!#we ball i suppose#actually no i am kinda mad bc tell me why#this friend group thinks theyre so cute for all being so possessive over my bsf when SHES LITERALLY MY BSF ???#they dont even live in this state like what! youve never met!#and im not possessive at all but it does rub me the wrong way when you try to call urself her bsf or exclude me from talking to her#like know ur place r u fucking serious??#bestie lets it slide bc ohhh thats just how they are ohhh theyre joking ohhh i think its funny to watch them get jealous#i fucking dont!#its fucking disrespectful#bsf sending me screenshots from the game theyre all playing together#and i had no clue they were playing bc i was kicked from the gc and never received the call!#actually kinda so shady my bsf didnt say anything to me abt jt#like u send me a ss of the game ur playing ofc im gonna wanna play w yall but u didnt even ask#and my bsf who prides herself on the fact that she “tells me everything” didnt even think to#a) tell me i was kicked; b) tell me WHY i was kicked; or c) tell her friends i shouldnt be kicked ??#like damn yall dont want me around so bad the least u could do is lmk#there was not a SOUND in the gc i was just kicked#liek ok thanks!
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Ok now that my rage is mostly past i am in more lalaland. Glad to put my energy towards being happy and improving my life with my friends that i love and trust
#i am still miffed that this was public but#it occurred to me it might also be bothering me so intensely because#it seemed we both agreed to move past each other and let go for now#n sure maybe this is what he needed to do to let go#it just feels kinda inflammatory.#but its only as much as i engage it with. which i dont plan to do#i hope my silence helps him reflect#and theres also just#a certain irony to the whole thing that i spent many many years trying to give advice on their relationship trying to help only for nothing#and now this very fresh very new issue suddenly is relationship breaking and hes already given up trying to help#lol#i guess he knows how i feel now though#idk#if anything better for him i guess to cut it off now rather than try repeatedly like i did (unless this already is repeat)#it also just feels like#he really doesnt even know who i am as a person#even after all this time#i dont want to say hes just wrong about everything because i definitely did say some dumb shit in the last few months#but it just feels like hes not even trying#or there are things hes not telling me#i keep telling my side explaining myself explaining what i mean and he just keeps. dare i use this word. Assuming things about me#anytime i have a conversation with him i just feel like im running in a circle i dont understand and i never know how to feel about anythin#and i dont understand what hes talking about what he wants what hes really feeling whats going wrong#and... comparing that to the friends i have now#its just even more obvious they're a lot better for me#i dont think friends are supposed to make you feel like this
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life kicks me in the ribs yet again: more than likely i won't be able to get all the money i need in time for the alatreon model, so. got excited for nothing :)
#mar.txt#vent? i guess?#again:girlhelp:#i need $120.25 still and of course i didnt get a job in time because why would things go my way and even if i do a bunch around the house#the money is due the day before my dad gets paid so that won't work#im panicking sort of to the point of being kind of nauseous from it haha#turning to art comms from my friends out of desperation but i don't think i'll get enough to cover the last bit of cost#not to mention the issue of my phone absolutely fucking sucks ass so i can't do digital art until i get a new one so any comms i DO have/get#will have to wait until i get a new phone for me to finish them and i know that's kind of A Problem which is why i'm only asking close#friends who i know won't be bothered by the idea of paying upfront then having to wait a little while for the finished product#though at least i can get the paper basic sketch done,since i draw the basic thing on paper then do more detail and whatnot digitally#idk if any of my moots wouldn't be bothered by that. i can promise i will get the full things done once i get a new phone. i'm just really#fucking desperate rn lmao god i fucking hate everything#i need to just. stop letting myself feel the emotion of excitement over Anything in the future. because when i do it always,ALWAYS goes#wrong. youd think id learn by now but no apparently im just too fucking stupid to#anyways. ill draw humanoids and i can try my absolute damndest at mh monsters even though i kind of struggle with anything but malzeno#practice makes perfect right? hahahahahaaa. fuck me.#not to be concerning on main but if this were me a few years ago i think at this point i'd be genuinely considering offing myself because i#am SO fucking tired of literally everything possible going wrong and even the things that are SUPPOSED to bring me some comfort or happiness#among the ocean of everything else ALSO going wrong#obviously the more money that could be tossed my way the better but hell i'll even do just paper sketch comms for a lower price i am#genuinely desperate because i really REALLY just want this ONE fucking thing to go right for me. god. just One thing.#alternatively if anyone wants to just. Give Me money. idk id feel bad about getting money without giving something in return but if anyone#WANTS to do that theyre free to as well. idk just dm me for my paypal if that or a shitty probably time-delayed comm sounds like smthn youd#be interested in??? even tho who am i kidding lmfao nobody will,that would be too good and i'm obviously just not fucking allowed to have#good things huh#ugh. sorry for the vent post Again. i swear we'll return to the usually scheduled funnyman stuff and ocposting. eventually. :/
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i get yelled at and criticized when i do housework. i get yelled and criticized when i don't#what am i supposed to do?#like.... wtf#am i supposed to do??? everything i do is wrong i guess but im the only one who really does housework#around here and i still get yelled at and lectured#for cleaning but also i get called lazy if i dont clean??#god its like living with my worthless pos brother all over again#im the one having to clean up after everyone else. and then i get yelled at for doing it 'wrong'#but they dont wanna do it. but they want it done. just not the way i do it#like even just in the morning when they spill coffee grounds all over the counter#guess who has to wipe that up. ill give you three guesses.#but god forbid i leave my plate on the counter for two minutes after i finish eating#otherwise all hell breaks loose. also vacuuming. emptying garbages. tidying up their messes#but i get yelled at for moving their stuff. but if i dont i get yelled at for not tidying#and they wonder why ive been snippier lately. and more tired and irritable.#gee. its a mystery. almost like i hate being a maid who constantly gets yelled at and lectured for everything#no matter what i do. a bitch cant win 🙃
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what the fuck is this am i having a gay awakening or something???
i don’t like this give my lack of attraction back please give it back give it back give it back
#WHY MEEEE#im so mad at this#just when i think i’ve figured it out this pretty mess of a boy shows up on my screen and i MELT#WHATS GOING ON#aro tag#<<< i GUESS?? idfk though i guess because apparently i’m not as aro as i thought i was#the ever entertaining game of do i want him or do i want to be him continues#usually it’s easy but this one passed my foolproof “can i picture myself snogging him and not cringe” test#WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT COOL WITH THERE BEING A PERSON OUT THERE ID BE THEORETICALLY WILLING TO SWAP SPIT WITH#EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG NOW#SERIOUSLY IF ANYONE HAS ANY FUCKING ADVICE ID LOVE SOME BECAUSE I AM SO SO INCREDIBLY BAMBOOZLED AT THIS CURRENT MOMENT#vent#i suppose#im feeling very insecure in my identity right now
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GOD my mom frustrates me so much :( help me
#my post#vent#it's just the fact that i've emphasized my point so so many times and we've fought on it so much but our arguments have never changed#i don't know what she thinks taking my phone away time after time again will do.#legitimately. she's tried that sooooooo many times she's taken away my phone over and over under the excuse of fixing my problems with hw#but like it has NEVER helped. i DON'T GET why she keeps trying this we literally have HISTORIC EVIDENCE that it has NEVER WORKED#''we're just doing it to try'' ''you're not getting any better'' taking away my phone will not make it better??? we've done this before and#NOTHING CHANGED?#we've danced to this song so many times. so so many times and i've fought you on this point so so many times what makes you think it'll WORK#the only thing you do is give me the internal conflict of genuinely wanting to improve wanting to do my work but not wanting to reward#you for doing jack shit and giving you that#satisfaction of feeling like YOU were the reason i fixed myself like YOU were the one who kickstarted it#the only thing she achieves when she takes away my phone is ruining my mood#like that's it that's all that's the end of it.#im soooo tired :( i am so miserable here#i have a mother combatting me on every way i decide to do my work and live my life and survive#like i get it i fucking suck my sleep schedule sucks my hygiene sucks my worth ethic sucks but aren't you supposed to Support me on this?#my sister gets by fine without yelling at me for the shit i do wrong and guess what? i fucking respect her#godddd and the only time i talk to my father is when we have two-second interactions over dinner#and it feels like every time i see my grandparents they're shitting on everything i do#like godddddddddddd i am just so tired. is this the environment you would want? is this the environment you think is good?#is this the environment you want for me? is this the environment you think is good for me?#you would not believe the amount of times i've considered killing myself to open my family's eyes#the amount of times i've wondered that if i wrote a suicide letter blaming them for the shit they put me through and my death#if they would read it and realize what they did wrong or if they would get defensive.#it's honestly also the only way i see possible for them to understand at all to get it through their thick heads that the shit they say to#me HURTS but goddddddd. whatever. guiltless by dodie or whatever. help
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POV: YOU’RE DATING CALLUM TURNER
or the one where i pretend i am Callum’s girlfriend (and also tagging @precious-little-scoundrel on this bc I GOTTA)
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tmznews Callum Turner spotted with a mystery girl! Is the new heartthrob off the market? Link in bio for everything TMZ has on his new gal.
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user23 the invasion of privacy … yikes
user12 What does it say about me if I read the article because tbh I’m curious
fan12 don’t do it, lets respect their privacy
callumupdates Don’t give TMZ any clicks. Look at the horrible quality of the photos, they obviously weren’t supposed to obtain these. Callum will share when he is ready.
yourfriendsig At least she’s pretty 😍
yourinstagram stopppp haha
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yourinstagram soft launching my man bc he’s hot and i love him ❣️ (oh yeah and tmz exposed us)
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fan12 GIRL THIS IS A HARD LAUNCH NOTHING SOFT ABOUT IT!!!!
user41 crrrryingggg omg iconic
user23 lol attention seeker
yourfriendsig It took me three years to be IG official with you, why does he get special treatment 😒
yourusername take a guess 😉
keoghan92 @tmznews you suck
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deuxmoi Spotted: Callum Turner and his girlfriend at a pub in downtown London. Looks like no more hiding for this couple. Sources tell me they’re in love and don’t care who knows it.
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fan12 wahhh they’re so cute
user23 i’m so jealous but i also ship it so hard
fan41 my friend saw them making out at a diner last week lmao she said they were eating each other not the food
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yourinstagram so proud and moved to tears ♥️ the entire cast and crew did a great job honoring these brave men
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fan12 we love a supportive gf
fan41 what a great picture fr
user23 I met y/n at the event tonight and she was the sweetest, most HILARIOUS person its easy to see why Callum is in love with her ❤️
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anthonyboyle One Direction
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user97 OMGGG they’re so hot wtf
yourinstagram more like Wrong Direction
keoghan92 you think you’re funny huh
yourinstagram Callum finds me funny 🥲
rafflaw he’s biased he’s in love with u
fan91 cryingg she’s a part of the mota fam 💍🥹
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yourinstagram hi movie star ♥️ i love you - your biggest fan
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rafflaw 💍💍💍👀
yourfriendsig @rafflaw LMAO DONT START THE RUMORS
appletv Mr & Mrs Egan spin off?
keoghan92 sappy
yourinstagram @sabrinacarpenter
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yourfriendsig good times
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user91 … the hand on her ass … making out … CALLUM TURNER I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
yourinstagram why would you post this when you know im missing him 🥺
yourinstagram brb omw to ft him
fan23 i love the way y/n loves him she isn’t afraid to be a normal girlfriend
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yourinstagram social media making fun of me for this but if he was your man you’d get it 😌 i say that’s my baby and i’m proud ♥️♥️
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fan12 if i didn’t see my bf for a week i’d react the same way people need to mind their business
yourinstagram it was only three days but yes your point still stands 😆
yourfriendsig y/n you’re an icon
fan92 i love them so fucking much pls adopt me
yourinstagram okay! ♥️
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yourinstagram someone tell y/n not to leave her phone unlocked 🤣🤣🥳 - anthony & barry here!
edit: got my phone back. can’t bring myself to delete my boyfriend looks so cute. i guess barry and anthony look okay.
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fan23 LMAO PLS HOW DID THEY STEAL HER PHONE !!!😂😂CALLUM TAKE IT BACK!
yourinstagram he was supposed to hold it for me it didn’t fit in my clutch and he sided w the enemies 🥺
anthonyboyle New profile picture?
yourinstagram i’ll kill you
yourinstagram also i think it’s important for everyone to know @keoghan92 stuck his hand down my boyfriends pants pocket to get my phone
keoghan92 and i liked it
anthonyboyle 😂😂😂
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The End
Ahhhhhh making this was so much fun!!! Y/N is a bit shameless in her adoration for her man but that’s the point!!! I’d be the same if he was mine (I mean look at Vanessa Kirby and Dua Lipa lmao)
Marina this is for us because this man deserves our love we’d make him so happy 🙌🏼
It was supposed to be silly and funny so don’t give me shit obviously celeb relationships would be a lot more private. And for bonus fun check this out ⬇️
#callum turner#callum turner fanfic#callum turner x reader#callum turner ig edit#made by me*#part 2 anyone??? i got more pics#mota fanfic#i purposelly included butt pics bc i love butts btw#and it would be for cal to grab onto
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Racing Hearts Pt. 3
f1!driver!jason x reporter!reader
A/N: Another chapter, another story filled with jason todd 🤭 it makes me so happy to continue this au and to see my beautiful gremlins enjoying it as well 🥹 the comments for the tag list are so helpful (im new to that bear with me <3) but i love reading any comments about the story, any predictions your great minds have, or if you’re just looking forward to the next chapter :D so ENJOY and comment if your comfortable <3
See you in part 4 COMING SOON :))) also check out the masterlist for this series linked here <3
Tags: banter, agonizing fluff, hurt/comfort, strangers to friends to lovers, spice if u squint 👀
Word Count: 3.1k
Tag List: @jaybirdstreet @gallusstuff @meowkn @velvetberries @i0lovepink00 @rayaskoalaland @spidernuggets @janybabyy @deimks @yasmin-oviedo @bigraga-sk
yourmom34: Why am I kinda invested?
imjasonsrightleg: Bye, update me when they start dating
potatoislyfe: He has chemistry with EVERYONE
notrealroyharper: THAT SHOULD BE ME
bigbootylicious87: Is it just me or are they entirely different from that press conference???
justicefortacoman: I can’t believe Jason moved on from taco man :(
“I can’t believe this.” You said to yourself, setting down your phone to no longer read the comments.
Leaning forward until your arms rested on your knees as you sat on the couch.
You had completed one full interview with Jason. His management wanted to film it. A new press strategy to help their racers gain more popularity outside the track.
You had agreed.
Broadcast journalism had been an area of interest because of the age of the internet and how fast news can spread through social media.
Now they wanted you and Jason to interact.
Jason’s social media team had pitched that you two sit down, you ask him questions and Jason would be the charismatic man he was.
It was simple, something you had done with many athletes, but it was Jason. A man you had multiple meals with, volunteered with, and almost…nevermind.
You thought you masked it well, set personal away from professionalism, but you were clearly wrong from the comments on the video.
You had watched it on your phone, curiosity scratching at you when you cooked lunch. Then when you couldn’t take it, you pressed the play button.
You were in denial. Ever since you came back from your volunteer work on Jason’s motorcycle, you had tried to play everything off with as much nonchalance as possible.
You didn’t mention how close your faces were that day. He dropped you off after the work in Crime Alley. You waved goodnight.
You didn’t see him until you got the call from your company. The interview filmed, quickly edited, released and you continued to deny.
But how were you supposed to deny what you saw on the tiny phone screen. It was out in the open, the public knew, you knew.
Did Jason know?
Did he see what you denied to yourself?
Or maybe he was just too good at looking good with anyone?
His fan base even made a running joke to pretend he has chemistry with anyone he interacts with in public.
You were just the next contestant.
That had to be it.
jasonjustonechance51: Was Jason kinda…shy?
redhoodsgyatt: I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT FOINE MAN LAUGH LIKE THAT IM IN LOVE?
tortillagrease861: I don’t know who this beautiful man is but I need him.
redbulljasonismywater69: I was trying to gatekeep him, but I guess I can share cause everyone deserves to see this man smile
poopoobatman417: He is so boyfriend
You threw your phone back onto the couch cushion, reading anymore comments was not helping.
After calming down and a movie break, you checked Jason’s social media and Red Bull’s racing account. There were the usual clips, Roy and Jason being the most popular duo.
Multiple edits and clips of them doing miscellaneous things. It wasn’t that bad, maybe you weren’t his focus right now.
But you were conflicted, it was good if the video of the two of you went well. It was better than being popular from negativity.
You could live with this.
A notification popped up on the top of your screen, perfect font displaying “Mr. Todd has sent a message.”
Speak of the devil.
Mr. Todd: want anything?
You clicked on an image of a menu.
He always knew how to get you. A late night meal wouldn’t hurt.
You: Miss me already?
You: Combo, medium, sprite
Mr. Todd: kay
Mr. Todd: my place or yours
Oh no.
You had just come to terms with thinking you meant nothing to this man.
You watched three dots float at the bottom of the messages, anticipation eating at you.
Mr. Todd: couldn’t get enough of you after the interview
You needed to check yourself into the hospital at this rate.
Fuck read receipts, now you needed to respond.
You: bro I don’t know where u live
Mr. Todd: bro I can just tell u
You: bro my place
You’re an idiot.
Mr. Todd: Brok
You: brok?
Mr. Todd: bro + ok
You: return my food
Mr. Todd: too late I already left and the kind lady gave me a free drink
You: I hope u drop ur free drink
Mr. Todd: no sprite for u then
You: wait
You: the sprite is innocent
Mr. Todd: this hurts me more than it hurts u
You saw a picture appear in the messages. He was holding the cup of sprite over a familiar ledge. The ledge of your apartment building floor.
You grabbed your keys, pulled on some quick sneakers, haphazardly put on, laces loose. You raced out of your apartment, quickly locking the door and running down the hall.
You ran to see Jason near the open ledge, night air surrounding him. Seeing his face turn to you, a smile spreading on his face.
You ran to save your sprite from his evil hands.
“Aw, so excited to see me that you didn’t put on your shoes properly.” Jason quipped, letting you take the hostage from his hands.
After securing your drink, your turned around. Eyeing Jason from your side.
He waited, a soft look on his face.
“Well, are you coming?” You walked forward, small smile perfectly hidden from Jason’s view.
——
You had sat down in front of your TV, putting your drink on the coffee table. You grabbed the remote trying to browse through several movies.
Jason had followed you in through the front door, taking off his shoes as soon was he walked in. He slowly walked toward you, taking a good look around your apartment.
You tried not to look at him, choosing to focus on your TV screen as he surveyed your one-bedroom apartment.
As he slowly stepped, you decided to chance one look at him.
Your eyes shifted toward his tall figure, he was oddly focused on your window, set near the small dining table.
It was a last-minute decision after you realized the format of your living room and kitchen. You liked watching the outside as you ate.
“Welcome to my home. Sorry for the mess, I didn’t get the chance to clean up after you took my sprite hostage.” You leaned your head on your hand, resting yourself on the coffee table as you watched Jason.
“Don’t worry about it, also you should lock your window.” Jason spoke.
You glanced toward the object in question, the latch was undone when you opened it earlier that day. You must’ve forgotten. It was a similar bad habit as never locking your balcony door.
Who would climb through that? Well, besides Batman, you don’t expect any visitors.
“Oh, sometimes I forget. But let’s eat first.” You shrugged.
Jason set the food down next to you, you felt the warmth radiating from the bag.
“I got it, your food should be the one on top.” Jason eyed the window, walking to it, snapping the lock into place.
You gasped.
“You ordered the other meal I wanted to try!” You smiled in excitement.
Jason turned back to sit down next to you. Lazily leaning against the foot of the couch.
He raised an eyebrow at the sparkle in your eyes, a silent question obvious on your face.
“Wanna try a piece?” Jason asked, giving in to the longing look.
“Aw, thanks Mr. Todd.” You dug into the two meals in front of you.
Jason moved to sit closer to you. Your excitement over the food distracting you, delaying your nervousness and your earlier debate with yourself.
As you took a bite, happy with the combination, you clicked on a movie. Letting it play as you and Jason ate.
“I thought you were kidding when you asked me if I liked the movie Cars.” Jason said in disbelief as he watched.
“It was for the interview…and I was genuinely curious.” You kept your eyes on the screen.
“Sweetheart, I don’t race in NASCAR. You know that.” Jason looked at you, astonished.
“I know, I think it’s hilarious.” You flatly said, focused on the movie in front of you. “You give off Lightning McQueen vibes.”
Jason nearly choked on his food.
“I feel like I should be offended.” Jason, stunned, looked at you.
You ignored him, letting him fret about your words as you finished your meal.
After Jason gave in and continued to watch the movie with you, you had cleaned up and the two of you moved onto the actual couch.
The soft cushions letting you sink in, sinking toward Jason who also dipped the couch. Letting a blanket droop over your legs.
He had taken his hoodie off, throwing it over a dining chair. Jason was clearly comfy for the night, in sweatpants and a t-shirt that hugged him nicely.
You were content letting your body relax. Watching animated cars as Jason, the fastest formula 1 driver, sat near you in your apartment.
With a full stomach and in pajamas.
Crazy how things worked out.
You smiled at your realization.
Your eyes felt heavy, the couch warm next to Jason.
Jason mindlessly watched the movie, pouting a little that he couldn’t believe that you thought of him like the red car.
Then he felt your weight on his shoulder.
He glanced to his side, seeing the top of your head. His heart raced. You had fallen asleep, a nice weight to his shoulder.
He saw your eyelashes, beautifully laid flat onto your cheeks as you gave into your sleepiness.
Call him a bad man, but he leaned his head on top of yours. Nuzzling into you.
You were probably going to wake up flustered, but he enjoyed making you nervous.
Seeing your ears going perfectly red.
Jason didn’t know what color he liked, he ended up with many things, falling into the rhythm of going with the flow. His racing career, his instincts to ask his manager to set up an interview with the talkative reporter, continuing to get lunch with you.
Now he was here, feeding you, sitting on your couch.
Getting more infatuated with the lil’ reporter he’s growing close to.
He learned something new today.
He realized his favorite color was the shade of your flustered ears.
——
You were stirring awake, your eyes slowly blinking into the faint light from the floor lamp. Majority of the darkness still around you.
You must have fallen asleep.
But how could you resist? It was warm around you.
As your consciousness entered your mind, you realized a weight around you. Fitted loosely around your waist, a soft fabric touching your face, slow even breaths slightly moving the hairs on your head.
Your eyes widened.
Jason was curled around you. At some point in between your nap, you and Jason had laid on the couch. Fully extending your bodies, falling into each other to fit perfectly into the soft cushions.
Oh no. You stiffened.
Jason started to stir awake, instinctually feeling the heightened panic from you next to him.
He slightly stretched his body, taking a deep inhale before releasing it, then slowly opening his eyes to look down at you. Your big eyes meeting his.
He sleepily smiled, pulling his arm around you closer to him. Somehow managing to get you even closer to him.
You felt his heartbeat through his shirt.
A lovely feeling.
“Jason.” You spoke into his t-shirt.
“Hm?” Jason grumbled, trying to wake up, but refusing.
“I think you accidentally fell asleep.” You moved your head, so your words weren’t mumbled into his body.
“I was going to leave.” Jason yawned. “You fell asleep and I laid you down on the couch, but you grabbed my shirt.” He smirked, eyes closed.
You moved your head, raising your chin toward Jason’s head above yours.
Your faces more parallel.
“What do you mean?” You quietly asked him, clearly surprised by the current situation, but still mindful of the sleepy man.
“You wouldn’t let go of me, so I tried sitting on the edge of the couch, but your grip never loosened. Then you kept tugging, so I finally laid down.” Jason continued to explain with his eyes closed, trying to keep his fatigue. “You have a deadly drip by the way.”
“I’m sorry.” You sighed.
“Why do you always do that?” He asked confused.
“Do what?”
“You always back away every time I get closer.” Jason’s eyebrows lowered, slight frustration in his tone. He was very expressive despite his eyes still closed.
“I don’t do that.”
“You were about to.” Jason pouted.
“I’m still laying next to you, I’m not backing away.” You retorted.
“You know that’s not what I meant. I can feel your negativity surrounding you.”
“Come on…I just,” You hesitated. “I just don’t want to bother you, to possibly cause a misunderstanding.”
Jason’s eyes opened, full seriousness in his gaze.
“What if I want you to bother me.” He directly told you, eyes never leaving yours.
Your faces nearly touching, the tips of your ears reddening. Curse your blood flow.
“I don’t understand.” You stammered, scared to peak into the direction this was going.
“I want to bother your life and I want you to bother mine. You make me feel alive because I want to talk to you, even when you don’t want to talk, I still want your time.” Jason directly told you.
You didn’t know what to say. Your heart racing as he continued to hold you, your faces close to one another, legs intertwined. His voice admitting what you’ve been scared to say.
It was out in the open. Clear as day.
Maybe it was meant to be this simple.
You were just too anxious and stubborn to call it what it was.
You kept Jason’s stare, his determination never faltering.
You pulled your hand from in between your bodies, releasing it from the depths of the blanket. You caressed his face, smoothing out the lines in between his eyebrows, softening his expression.
You smiled at your ability to control this man.
Maybe to the public he was rowdy, uncontrollable. But when you faced him, he was ready to come running when you held out a hand, waiting to rest his face in it.
He waited for your touch, your words, your quick glances.
You were the same. Ready to touch him, sing his name, memorize his smile.
You could barely contain yourself.
You leaned forward, kissing the man you longed for.
Your very first initiation towards him. No longer backing away.
You gently pressed into him. Both of your eyes closed, focusing on blurred touches of skin.
You want to touch him. You want more.
You rubbed where the back of his head met his neck, feeling the prick of his hair on your fingers. Your thumb rubbing behind his ear.
Jason matched you, letting feeling take over him.
He gripped your jaw, stretching your neck, adding another layer of desperation to your kiss.
Jason selfishly took your shared breaths.
When he wasn’t satisfied with that he moved to lean himself over you, but you put a hand to his chest.
Stopping him.
In his confusion, eyes glossed over, he only looked at you, his mind trying to catch up.
You ended up rolling him over, your body laid on top of his, Jason laid flat on his back. He reached up to cup his hands to your face.
You leaned down, deepening the kiss.
You had no reason to hold back. If it was this simple to be with Jason, you wanted to waste no more time on what ifs.
You were comfortable, letting your body fall onto Jason’s solid body. You wanted to feel more of him.
You readjusted yourself, straddling his waist near the waist band of his sweatpants. Jason panting, his breaths haggard.
You sat up fully, taking in the full image of him. It was beautiful.
“You’re gorgeous.” Jason breathed, in awe.
He gripped the sides of your waist, rubbing through your shirt.
Despite never removing any clothes, you were just as worked up.
You panted.
You internally thanked your unconscious self for keeping a death grip on this man.
You leaned down, nipping at Jason’s neck.
A sweet melody filled with Jason’s voice gasping. You felt every breath and vibration as you focused on his neck.
Letting yourself mark him just above his collarbone.
You looked down, hazily rating your work.
Jason reached up and rubbed your cheek. His soft touch contrasting your desperation.
The rising sun, letting in a soft glow through the large window near your dining table.
What a great way to start your morning.
You didn’t wake up this early, but to do this with Jason, you might have to start changing your routine.
Jason laid you back down to lean on top of him, He breathed into your neck as he held you close to him.
His large hands holding the back of your head, rubbing small circles.
“I told you I’m not backing away.” You smiled into Jason’s hair.
“I believe you now.” Jason chuckled, content in the comforting weight of you.
——
After another quick nap, you and Jason woke up, both of your hairs in a mess.
You were groggy, trying to help yourself to a cup of anything this morning, tea or coffee.
You watched Jason from your kitchen counter, he was learning where everything was. Memorizing the cabinets and drawers.
His broad back, a great view in your kitchen.
Your poor dining table window falling to second place.
You were in a daze watching his shoulders flex through the fabric of his shirt. It was like a switch flipped in you.
You shook your head, focusing back on the contents of your cup.
Jason made a cup of coffee, finally facing you. Leaning on the opposite counter.
Your eyes lowered to his stretched-out t-shirt around his neck.
You found what you were looking for, a purple blemish on his collarbone.
What a great morning.
Jason caught wind of your stare. Setting his cup down, caving you in-between his arms as he leaned on your counter.
It’s like you were made to be in his arms.
You giggled, trying to continue sipping on your cup. Letting Jason kiss around any opening of your face that wasn’t on the cup.
He was enjoying the moment, taking his time until you wanted to let him break.
When you had enough of the tickling sensation, you lifted your chin, letting Jason fully take your mouth.
The taste of coffee flooding you.
After your morning shenanigans in the kitchen, you spent the rest of the morning lounging, stealing kisses, possibly adding another blemish to match the other one.
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Now that I'm on a 5 hour train ride before my airport run I can outline a few thoughts about America I've had over the last week:
-everything is so big. Like canada far beats you guys in regards to raw land mass but there's like 12 of us up there. You guys really minmaxed how much you can fit into one place. Meanwhile you leave an urban center in canada and it's just nothing for the next half hour upon which you hit a gas station warning that the next ones not gonna be for another 2 hours so fill up now
-Ive seen more Amish people in my like 4 days in upstate NY than I have in my entire life before now
-ive also seen more confederate, trump, and general American flags in the last 4 days upstate than in my entire life before now. NYC was not that bad. Are you guys okay down here
-why do you have war vets advertised on street lamps
-why do you put your flag on EVERYTHING... im pretty sure there's a part of your constitution that says you're not supposed to do that lmao??
-i bought a big gulp with my last few USD bills yesterday. It gave me a nuclear level tummy ache but the hubris of having that much pop for 2 dollars made it worth it. I get the appeal of Big Drink now
-I was asked how I want my burger cooked when I went for a good ol' american cheeseburger. You guys are just raw dogging rare ground beef here like e coli can't touch you. There was a burger that had mozzarella sticks on it on the menu. Your frankensteinian approach to food captivates me
-i hate how you have 1 dollar bills here. That's wrong to me. 5 is the proper place for bills to start. To me. But the CAD to USD exchange rate is HEAVILY weighted in your favour so it's whatever I guess. Your grocery prices make me want to scream, cry, and throw up in that order. Canada's not much better but at least the prices have the same number on them in a comparatively worthless currency
-there is something so capitalist about this country. Every second of my day I am being blasted with ads from every flat surface. At least we don't have ad screens in our taxis???
-I bought an Arizona tea flavour we don't have in canada and upon glancing at the nutrition label it had 84% of my daily sugar intake in it. If that's what your convenience store iced tea is like I think whatever sweet tea is would just kill me
-I think the guns in Walmart are perhaps contributing to the way the tankies on this webbed site think guns are cool and not dangerous at all. My god I was uneasy seeing that shit
-i got a big box of american sugar cereal that we dont have in canada and they can pry it from my cold dead hands at the airport I'm qualified to work our TSA checkpoint and I know damn well it's allowed to go in the case of personal consumption this shit fucks so goddamn hard
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