#god its really hard to not wanna kill myself

[a-5-m-0-d-3-u-5]

Please don't read this

[jupiter--dream]

(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)

Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq

I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq

[death2you]

just finished yakuza 0…

[kethabali]

i dont even know how to feel my own emotions thanks to my parents

[snekdood]

bitches be like “well, we failed to kill him with social isolation, this must mean he is rich and doesnt need to rely on us, clearly cancelling isnt real and doesn’t effect people, i know so much about everything in the world and his life specifically because everything he says online is him talking and posting in real time and we all know he is a static being who doesn’t have ever fluid thoughts in the moment”

[whorenerdking]

I’m feeling so fucking seen by a stupid fanfic that’s it’s making me feel worse about myself than I already do. anyway I’m gonna go drive my car off a cliff.

[darby-rowe]

༊*·˚ princely.

coriolanus snow x dark!fem!reader

word count 1.5k cw dark themes, NONCON SOMNOPHILIA, dead dove do not eat, reader has a gross internal monologue, handjob, coriolanus is unaware of his assault, not proofread notes hey! i don't condone anything described in this fic irl! what the reader does here is gross and is literally assault. PLEASE HEED THE CONTENT WARNINGS BECAUSE SHIT GETS WEIRD! got it? good. then pls enjoy ♡ wanna give a quick thanks to my mutual @shellxrls for inspiring me to write more dark content, and for encouraging me to post this. if it wasn't for her, this fic would have never seen the light of day.

Your fingernails grip so hard into the blanket you fear you may rip the soft fleece from its stitches. Staring down at the beautiful boy sleeping next to you in your bed, looking so utterly soft and peaceful. You watch his chest rise up and down slowly with each breath he takes, studying how his muscles move beneath his skin. His soft blonde curls sprawl delicately across his face. You didn’t even know it was possible to look so princely while you slept, but Coriolanus Snow was living proof.

You had previously allowed Coriolanus to stay at your apartment for a few days while his place went under renovations, courtesy of his newfound inheritance of the Pinths’ fortune. He was your best friend after all, so who were you to deny him hospitality?

But on the first night of him sleeping in your bed, you find yourself questioning every aspect of your moral compass now that you had him beside you looking so vulnerable. Your fingers twitch. The temptation is nearly killing you. He’s most likely deep within some kind of dream, so…

Before your mind comprehends what you’re doing, your hand is on his smooth, toned chest, feeling him breathe underneath your touch. You want to pull your hand away, to stop before you start, but your hand feels as if it’s stuck to his smooth skin. What’s happening? Why aren’t you stopping yourself? Oh god, Coryo looks so hot when he sleeps. Is he dreaming? Is he dreaming about you? If he’s dreaming about you, then surely that means he’s into you, so he wouldn’t mind if you were to just—

Before you could realize what you’re doing, your hand is moving further down south Coriolanus’s torso, heeding every single physical and verbal cue that could indicate he’s waking up. You bite down hard on your lip — almost a bit too hard — as your hand approaches closer and closer to the waistband of his boxers. So crisply pristine, a pearly white color, almost too perfect. Did he not have a single pair of ruined underwear? Surely he must have a pair in the hamper with his cum stains painting the front. Maybe even multiple pairs. Yeah, multiple pairs of ruined underwear caused by Coriolanus’s physiology. The thought makes your pussy throb, and you look down as you thumb the waistband of his boxers.

But you decide to not venture towards the promised land just yet. Instead, you ghost your fingertips over the print of Coriolanus’s large cock. You have to swallow hard as your mouth waters, frantically flicking your eyes back and forth from his face to your hands. You think to yourself, is it too late to turn back? Could you still save yourself from the horrifying embarrassment of getting caught touching your friend in his sleep?

A small groan escapes his throat, and at the speed of light you retract your hand and wait for further instruction. Coriolanus does not open his eyes, but you still wait a few moments before putting your hand back.

Oh, Coryo. Oh sweet, princely, beautiful Coryo — if only he could see how pretty he looks right now resting his soft curls on your pillows, then maybe he’ll understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Just can’t help myself, you think.

You really begin to think about the circumstances. You’re a hot girl. You’re insanely hot with a sharp tongue and even sharper brain. You have ambitions, goals, and fully thought out plans for the future. You’re perfect girlfriend and wife material. Would Coriolanus really be bothered by someone like you touching him in his sleep? In fact, he would probably be grateful.

Ugh, no! What? Stop thinking like that. You’re so full of yourself you’re choking on your own ego. You’re a violator. A venomous pervert. A venomous, conniving, irresistibly hot pervert.

You sigh to yourself. Your brain just keeps thinking in circles and in circles and in circles and in circles. You can’t be doing this. Just a little won’t hurt? This is as far as you’ll go. He won’t even mind at all because you notice the way he looks at you like you’re a lamb for the slaughter. This isn’t right. You can’t be doing this. Just a little won’t hurt?

The room temperature rises. A lining of sweat appears on your hairline as you continue to lightly ghost your fingers over the print of Coriolanus’s hardening cock. He’s starting to make noises more frequently. He must be dreaming now.

You dare to whisper, see if maybe your voice will bleed into his dreams. You’re dying to know how he’ll react. Ever so softly, his name escapes your lips like a delicate puff of smoke from inhaling a cigarette.

“Coryo,”

You wait.

You wait for a moan, a sigh, a physical response.

Nothing.

You say a silent prayer to yourself before leaning in closer, attempting to manipulate his dreams once more.

“Coryo, I’m here,”

You perk up as a tiny moan escapes Coriolanus’s mouth, and even more exciting, his cock twitches beneath your fingertips.

This was your sign to keep going.

Carefully, you retract your hand and drool a generous amount of saliva onto your fingers and in the palm of your hand before slipping your hand underneath the waistband of his boxers. And as your fingers made contact with his hardening cock, you shiver.

Your entire body flares up with goosebumps and your pussy throbs and aches almost instantly. You have to take a moment to yourself before you begin stroking him, to just hold his shaft within your perverted, filthy hand. Your heart is beating so fast that you’re afraid you might pass out before you can indulge in the fun.

Your hand trembles as you begin to stroke him, keeping a light yet generous grip as you pump his cock up and down. He’s beginning to moan more loud than before, and more frequently. You think to yourself about how you could cum right then and there just from feeling his dick and listening to him moan.

It’s dark in your bedroom, but your eyes adjusted a while ago, giving you a fair view of Coriolanus’s cock in your hand. You swipe your thumb across his slit, and for a moment you stop as a sharp gasp emits from the sleeping boy. But when he shows no sign of waking up, you continue.

“So big…” you whisper to yourself, voice barely audible. You feel his cock begin to leak with pre-cum and you slick up his shaft with his own bodily juices, making your hand pump his cock more smoothly as you pick up the pace.

You wonder to yourself if you could even get away with straddling his hips to sit down on his dick, slowly impaling yourself as your tight pussy envelops him in his sleep. How would he react? You can picture it now: you, stripped of your panties and nightgown, tits bouncing up and down as you ride his cock. Eventually, he’ll stir awake to the image of your hot body on top of him, moaning and whimpering sweetly. And he won’t fight back, oh no. Because you’ve seen the way he looks at you — you don’t think he knows how you study the way he licks his lips as he eyes you up and down. Your pussy is on his mind 24/7. He’s obsessed with you. You’re surprised he hasn’t tried to touch you in your sleep. You’d welcome the sentiment, though, as your eyes would slowly flutter open to the sight of Coriolanus pounding his cock into you. You wouldn’t tell him to stop.

Would he tell you to stop?

You’d like to think so. But you can’t afford to think of alternate versions of this night as your hand is now thoroughly pumping his cock in a proper handjob. Coriolanus mewls and twitches in his sleep, and your mind can’t begin to comprehend how hot he looks completely at your mercy.

“Pretty, so pretty,” you whisper. “Don’t even know I’m fisting your fucking cock, yeah? Wish this was my pussy? Wish I was fucking you in your sleep instead of giving you this lousy handjob?”

You don’t know what comes over you as you lean down to kiss his sleeping lips, and before you know it, he’s lazily grunting as he spills his cum all over your hand.

And you’re so turned on you feel more as if you have to pee more than anything. Your pussy pulsates as you feel his cock throb underneath your hand, and you have to practically force yourself to pull your hand away and lay back down.

Mere seconds after his orgasm, you feel and hear Coriolanus stir and wake up. He mumbles a curse word under his breath as he assesses his sticky situation.

You just lay there, with your hand still covered in his cum, as a deep, dark dread fills your chest. Someone pours liquid lead into your heart as reality settles back in for you.

What have I done?

darby-rowe, 2024. do not plagiarize my content, nor distribute my content onto any other website like AO3, etc. my writing is exclusive to tumblr only.

[salamanderst]

Part series?? Lmk

One of the girls

{Chris Sturniolo}

Warnings: pet names?? (baby(, use of y/n, mentions of sex (nothing happens yet!!) toxic!chris (sorry 😞 he gets better i swear) fratboy!chris kinda??, also i forgot to say this last smut but English is not my first language so i apologize for spelling mistakes!! lmk if theres anything else.

A/n: Omg I think I’m actually tweaking I’ve been putting off writing this because I think all my writing abilities just got up and left. So I’m so sorry if this is ass {it probably is} but erm let’s go!

Orange; Chris speaking

Pink; reader speaking

“So what do you wanna watch?” I ask Chris.

I came over to watch a movie, every Friday we like to watch a movie after he’s filmed with his brothers, but right now he’s acting off.

“Ehh. It’s what ever, I don’t care.” He replies eyes glued to his phone clearly not listening to me.

“Chris, hello???”

“Yea, yea whatever you say.”

"Chris im gonna fuck other men." i saw with a grin on my face.

he immediately looks up from his phone looking straight into my eyes. no words coming out of him.

"chris im kidding, now will you listen please?" i say laughing.

"yea, im sorry." he give me a smile, he paces me his phone so he wont go on it, i slip into my pocket giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you. Now what movie do you wanna watch?” i said snuggling up to him grabbing the remote.

“Ohh how about that new one on Disney that just came out”

___________________________________

We’re about half way through the movie and Chris goes to the washroom.

I still have his phone in my pocket, honestly i completely forgot about till i felt it ding. i pulled in out of my pocket to see a notification.

Who the fuck is Olivia?!

I put his phone down on the coffee table as I hear his footsteps coming closer to the couch.

“Hey babe im kinda tried I think ima go to bed, you wanna head home?”

I’m gonna kill this man.

I grab his phone from the table. “Who the fuck is Olivia. Chris?”

at least that’s what i wanted to do. But I’m too tried for drama right now. and me and Chris are actually good, i don't wanna start stuff.

“Yea sure babe I’ll see you later, good night!” i said forcing a smile walking to his front door, as he grabbed his phone and walked up to his room.

___________________________________

i never go to sleep angry, its my number one rule. and i broke it because of this stupid man whore who i'm not even dating, just stupid friends with benefits. but we agreed not to fuck or text other people.

fuck it. im gonna go talk to him.

i get in my car and drive to his place, its 9am but if he wants to fuck other women i can interrupt his sleep. i knock on his door as load as i can, i forgot his brothers also live there.

Nick opens the door, as im about to yell i see his face and step back.

"y/n whats going on??" nick says rubbing his eyes and giving me a look, i felt so bad.

"oh my god im so sorry, i didnt mean to wake you up. im just here to talk to Chris."

"oh uh.. hes in his room." he said gave me a wired look, letting me in as he went back up to his room.

i closed the door behind me and walked downstairs to Chris's room, i was hesitant at first but then i opened the door, i didnt knock i didnt really want to. chris was awake on his phone staring up at me.

"oh.. hi." he said putting down his phone furrowing his eyebrows. "whats going on?"

"are you texting other people?" i said calmly as i sat at the edge of his bed, honestly im surprised i didnt yell, my brain feels like its forgot how to.

"what are you talking about..?" he said sitting up to face me more, acting confused.

"chris, please..." i took a pause, god he was so gorgeous. its hard to be mad at someone whos this pretty. "be honest."

"baby, i am being honest." he said cupping my face with his right hand. i cant fall into him, i told myself repeatedly.

i brushed his hand off my face. "chris, i saw a text on your phone last night. from someone named, Olivia."

he was taken aback he knew what i was taking about. a part of me wanted him to deny it and say its some friend. but no friend asks if a girl is still at some mans house. it wasnt a friend, and we both knew that.

"i-im sorry.." he said in a very quiet voice, i was hurt that it was true. but im thankful he was honest. "its this girl i met at a party, but i swear we only fucked once." he kept talking but my mind went blank after the word 'fucked', was i not enough for him? was i bad, that he had ti get other women to satisfy him? i started to over think everything. what does this bitch do that i cant??

tears started to well up in my eyes when i heard his words. "woah, woah. y/n whats wrong??" he said putting his hand on my shoulder.

"No! dont chris! this is fucking bullshit, we agreed not to fuck other people!" i said in a shaky voice standing up.

"c-can we just talk, please...?" he said softly standing up. i didnt wanna fucking talk? who the fuck would want to talk??

"no. im leaving you're a fucking whore. i should've left before anything started." i said scoffing grabbing my bag and stomping out his room running to the front door, out to my car.

i started my car a drove home, i sat in the parking lot of my apartment for at least 20 minutes before getting out of my and heading inside. i sat on my couch, ill talk to him in a couple of day. at least it was only one girl right...?

[calder]

 Fallout 3 was originally in development at Black Isle Studios, codenamed Van Buren, but it was cancelled when Bethesda bought the IP.

 At one point, designer John Deiley was creating an area called the Nursery, a Noah's Ark-like location which housed pre-war fauna.

 He planned to have Pagans and Wiccans take up residence here, but Chris Avellone allegedly said no, banning them outright.

scream

not to dwell on the dev tension of this too much -- it's very exciting to find such a strong link between V29 and occultism

would really love to pick this guys brain

edit oh my god. yeah cool we can "disprove" the headline of this anecdote by identifying the cult in the van buren design doc. i can also read the top of the article. wanna unpack this?

"He said, 'You are not to bring Paganism or Wiccanism or anything into the game,'" Deiley recounts. "I said, 'Well, Chris, what do you think happened to these people when the bombs went off? Did every one of them just vanish from the face of the Earth? When you consider the whole purpose of the Nursery, wouldn't they make the perfect tenants and tenders?' [He said,] 'I've made my decision' and just turned around and walked off."

@ChrisAvellone: There was a faction you could join, do quests for, and potentially lead in Van Buren that was a pagan faction (Daughters of Hecate). Might have bad info from source?

Deiley said 'he pointedly told me i wasn't allowed to develop this faction descending from pre-war pagans' avellone defended himself by saying 'but i made my own faction which could be called post war pagans'

deiley is describing a thing that happened. the oral history of fallout is richer for this detail & the impulse to entirely deny the reality of his account by calling another van buren faction pagan is an unflattering defensive technicality

these two men worked on eight video games together. they stood in a room together and one of them shit on the other one's creativity repeatedly. his defense is 'he described it imperfectly; i proceeded to do that idea myself'

i just wanted to learn more about the creativity of this furtive fallout vet.

the accusation that someone 'banned paganism from a fallout game' is not remarkable or meaningful enough on its own to be worth negating. we know for a fact deiley was responsible for talking deathclaws and chris avellone killed them and publicly made hostile jokes about it. he complained about deiley's idea (which he already killed) for being hippie shit for a quarter of a century.

WOULD THIS MAN SHIT ON AN IDEA????????

"I’ve always hated aliens in Fallout, for example, and as I’ve often told Tim Cain, I was pretty fucking pissed off he thought including ghosts in Fallout was a good idea. It’s like you’re opening the goddamn door to the spirit world in a post-apoc game, and that’s a whole separate aesthetic detour in a franchise that’s already been placed in danger of losing its direction by being given to a bunch of newbs.” -Avellone, recounting the first time he worked on a fallout game

one of avellone's co-workers revealed that he stomped on their idea and his rebuttal is that he implemented a similar one elsewhere

it is embarrassing that he responded this way

[the-heart-of-a-monster]

PUTTING THE NEW PAGE INTO THIS ASK AS WELL FOR GHE FIRST TIME BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT TO TALK ABOUT WITH THIS PAGE SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME HERE

Ima start with the first panel because there’s already so much in that one single panel and it is gonna drive me nuts!

So first up, we have “Secret” Chaotix meeting room. Yes, this place is apparently being kept a secret from the public eye. This could be due to the Chaotix having to handle a bunch of super deep and disturbing cases that, if allowed to spill out into the public, would be catastrophic! Not in the sense that it would destroy the world or anything like that, but it’d certainly ruin their reputation as detectives! Don’t detectives irl have these kinds of cases too…? Or maybe I’m thinking too hard on this and it’s just the place they meet with their friends whenever Eggman does something stupid? Who knows.

I do know though that it looks beautiful and it looks like they’re actually in a room which, as an amateur artist myself, can only dream of achieving!! It looks so cool! I just… I adore your backgrounds and I can tell you put a lot of love and effort into making them, so please give yourself a pat on the back!

And maybe I’m reading too much into a single panel.

But that’s not all that we get to see!!! (No I’m not talking about the Chaotix even though I REALLY wanna talk about the Chaotix cuz they deserve more love and I’m so glad they’re here THANK YOUUUUUUUU) YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, SONIC IS FULLY CONVERTED TO DARK GAIA SONIC LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well not fully converted, but we can clearly see that it’s taking a huge toll on his body! Not only are the markings now visible on him during the day, but it also seems to be siphoning his energy…? Kind of…? I mean, Sonic has been out cold since “Killing” Omega, and usually he wouldn’t be so out of it otherwise. And I can see a little tiny X over his Gaia eye, so… I’m not too sure, but what I am sure of is that this is BAD for Sonic. The poor guy is gonna have to deal with not only being corrupted during the day, but also at night, and that cannot be good for his psyche. It was bad enough when he had to be in a completely new body for just the nighttime, but now it’s for both day and night in its own way, and… Gosh, this is gonna be torture for Sonic once he wakes up.

Okay now onto the actually lore panels because there is so much to uncover but BEFORE WE GET INTO THE LORE PARTS OF ALL THAT LEMME JUST POINT OUT HOW PISSED SHADOW LOOKS IN THE SECOND PANEL BRO LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO PUNT CHIP INTO THE SUN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER AND HE IS JUST SO OVERPROTECTIVE OF SONIC IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY I LOVE THIS ANGSTY EDGY BOY SO MUCH BUT I WANNA KNOW WHAT IS GOING THROUGH HIS HEAD RIGHT NOW WHY IS HE GLARING DAGGERS AT CHIP WHAT DID THIS LITTLE CREECHUR EVEN DO TO YOU SHADZ

Okay back to the lore-

So, im still gonna call Light Gaia as Chip because I still see a cute adorable fluffy fairy in those big brown eyes and I think he deserves a real name. Anyhow, Chip now is aware of him being a literal god. He says he regulates the day and Dark Gaia regulates the night. This kind of makes sense. Chip handles the sun and DG handles the moon. Think Luna and Celestia from MLP. And similar to those two as well, Dark Gaia got out of control like Luna did and created an eternal night. But this doesn’t really explain the planet splitting into a million giant pieces. (Not literally a million) Nor does it explain Chip losing his memory. Chip claims that whenever one of them falls out of line, the other will be there to pull them back together. Does this mean Chip or Dark Gaia have lost their memory before? Have the events of Unleashed happened before? How do they reign the other in?

These questions are probably gonna get answered in the next page lmao what am I doing-

Everything else is kinda sorta spelled out to us which I think is a good thing, since Chip is, in the story, explaining all of this to a group of people who had no idea about any of this for their entire lives. The poor Chaotix just got roped into this, they just want their pay. So with that in mind I don’t know what else to really cover…? Maybe I’ll notice something later on and just start spamming you with questions, who knows. For now I’m SUPER DUPER EXCITED FOR THE NEXT PAGE LET’S GO THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN CANNOT WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK

hell yeah do look out for the new page on monday :3 i love ur little big analysis its always the highlight of my week to see one

btw this goes out to evecryone but the whole scene has a lot of moments for everyone else than sonic and shadow so we are winning

[ca-8]

How about yandere ben 10 with a reader who has the same abilities as zuko from atla

"You're a...a what?"

The Tennyson cousins sat with (Y/n) at the dinner table. It was supposed to be a calm Friday night, hanging out like they usually do every now and then, but not this time. Not when they know about their best friend's cousin's secret (well, honestly it's not much of a secret anymore since his identity's been revealed to the entire world, but still).

"A fire bender," (Y/n) clarified. "I can, well, fire bend, and that's pretty much a gift and a technique at the same time. My family's passed it down for generations, and despite its power, we've all been told to never reveal this ability to anyone."

"That's....seriously??" Ben was stone-still, while Gwen looked like a child who's been given their first Christmas gift. The glow in her eyes released a weight off of (Y/n)'s shoulders., their entire body becoming lighter than a young spark's breath of smoke.

(Y/n) smiled. "I know it sounds hard to believe, but I'm telling the truth. I wanna help you guys ou-!"

"NO!"

They jumped at Ben's sudden outburst. He hasn't said a word until his voice bounced off the walls throughout the house.

Gwen shot him a glare. "Ben, what the heck?!"

"(Y/n), you're not fighting with us."

They winced. The Ben they knew since freshman year only raised his voice when he lost in a video game or his favorite snacks were out of stock. But now, pettiness wasn't laced in his words, and his face was no longer softened with a carefree attitude. A confusing glare glowed in those enraged green eyes, which burned right into the soft orange sunset within (Y/n)'s pupils.

"Dude, what's the matter with you?" they asked him.

"What's the matter with me? You're seriously asking me that after trying to volunteer to getting yourself killed?!" he snapped back.

"I wouldn't be saying anything if I knew I couldn't handle it!"

"That's what you always say before charging towards something that leaves you in the hospital! And what, now you're some 'fire wizard' or something? You really expect us to believe that? Even I know that sounds ridiculous!"

Gwen and (Y/n) stared at him for a long minute. Ben opened and closed his mouth a few times before releasing his tensed shoulders. "Okay, maybe I'm not the best person to be saying that, but I'm pretty sure "watch-that-fell-from-space-and-can-turn-me-into-different-alien-species" is more believable than...whatever you just said!"

(Y/n) raised an eyebrow and stood up. With a deep breath, they pulled back their hands, stepped forward, then thrust both hands in front. As if sunlight poured out from their veins, a blast of fire flew from their palms and rushed toward the single cup of water that sat on the far counter. Their attack destroyed it instantly, leaving behind charred remains and light streams of steam.

They turned back to the dinner table and saw them both with their jaws hung open. "If you want, I can do another demonstration," they said. "But I'd rather not risk burning your house down. Fire isn't exactly the friendliest element."

Ben shook his head. "I...God, you just don't get it, do you!?" With a huff, he tore himself from the table and stomped into the shadows of the hallway."

"Geez, what's his problem?" (Y/n) scoffed.

Gwen's face fell, and another sting stabbed their heart. "Um, can I walk you home?"

~

The setting sun's rays gleamed throughout the falling twilight sky. Its last hour's warmth soured in (Y/n)'s fingertips, but not event the tingling surge could prevent the scowl glued onto their lips. They kept their gaze on the sidewalk, letting only Gwen's voice guide them as they both walked to their house.

"I'm sorry about Ben, but... could you cut him some slack?" she said.

(Y/n) snapped their eyes toward her. "Are you kidding me? I was offering my help and he completely flipped out for no reason. Even worse, he talked to me like I'm too feeble to defend myself!"

"Well, can you blame him? Not that I don't think you can defend yourself, I just want you to think about how he might feel about all this. How we both feel."

They stopped in front of their house, and (Y/n)'s eyes softened. Gwen sighed and held her arms as she continued. "The past few years have been incredible, but also... pretty terrifying. And before tonight, every time I'd look at you, I'd always hope that he and I would be able to protect you. Not because you're someone who's weak and feeble, but because we care about you, (Y/n). Especially Ben..."

They stepped closer and put a hand on her shoulder. "I get what you're saying. But you guys don't have to worry about me anymore, I can help!"

"That's another thing. This whole fire-bending thing? It's amazing, but after knowing you for so long, it's really overwhelming too..." Gwen trailed off, averting her gaze. "I understand why you needed to hide it from us. I'm not upset at you for that, and I don't think Ben is either. Honestly, we'd be hypocrites if he did otherwise."

"So what's the deal?"

She looked back at them. "He cares about you. A lot, ever since I introduced you to him, and he made me promise not to say anything more. If he knew you got hurt because of him, he'd never forgive himself."

(Y/n) fell silent. The sunset peered over Gwen's shoulder and eased their irritation. "...Look, I'm...I'm sorry," they said. "I've just been pressured all my life to keep this a secret, so when I heard about what happened with you guys, I got excited. I guess...I expected you to feel the same way, too."

Gwen lifted her head and smiled. She embraced them in a hug and let out another relieved sigh. "Thanks for telling me. You should come over again tomorrow when Ben's cooled down a bit. I know we'll all have it figured out by then."

After exchanging goodbyes, she hurried off into the darkening streets back to her house, leaving (Y/n) standing in front of their own. When she disappeared around a corner, they turned and saw only the tip of the sun's head disappearing behind a nearby house. 'So, Ben's got a little crush on me, huh? Something tells me I should be embarrassed not knowing about it sooner.'

~

Gwen was leaning against the door of the bedroom Ben locked himself in. It's been at least an hour since he silently shut himself off, so maybe that was a good time to begin worrying. She can't even remember the last time he's been quiet for this long (or even think it was possible to begin with).

"Ben? How are you holding up?" Normally, she'd enjoy the unlikely peace and quiet, but she just couldn't get his face out of her mind. Before he turned his back to her and (Y/n), she saw rage dancing around his viciously furrowed face, making a shiver run down her spine.

No response. Gwen's face fell. Ben's feelings for (Y/n) were unlike anything she's ever seen. Whenever they were even brought up around him, he would snap out from whatever he was doing and turn into some droned, lovesick puppy. Not to mention how subtly was practically thrown out the window if he was ever near them. It's honestly surprising they never caught on to how he felt...

"Hey, I'm gonna be in the living room, okay? If you ever wanna talk...I'll be here." She waited, expecting his voice to ring from the other side, hoping for a mumble or even a grunt. But silence held still enough for her to sigh and finally walk away from the door.

Though, her reassurance was not in vain. On the other side, Ben sat against the door in the darkened room. He wanted to ease his cousin's worries, but her voice was almost drowned out by (Y/n)'s little show from earlier.

He gripped the picture of them in his hands and tried not the think about his worst nightmare. The sight of their enchanting eyes twitched and strained with hopelessness; their body which he admired for so long bruised and bloody and weak from running; the personality that always brought a smile to his face suddenly drained and replaced with a cowardly pursuit-

It all rushed in so quickly, through his splitting headache, down his tensed shoulders, all the way to his trembling fingertips. Ben's thumb pressed against the picture, and he was forced to a halt when a tiny crack emitted from beneath him. He looked down; the picture was cracked.

The room hummed a somber tune for a few minutes.

'I said I wasn't going to let anything harm a hair on you, (Y/n). And I won't let you be stupid enough to make me break that promise.'

~

".........."

"............Devastation......"

".........Citizens.......already evacuating....."

"...Another attack-"

(Y/n)'s eyes flung open and their head flew from their pillow. First, their attention met the window beside their bed; the midday sun was already nestled high up in its cloudless domain. Next were the words that disturbed them from their usual weird dream of befriending kids that could control air and water and had a giant flying bison for a pet.

They turned toward the TV and froze at the sight. It was a newscast of two otherworldly creatures tearing each other limb from limb. The second it cut to static, they had already fled the room.

~

"Ben!"

(Y/n) shouted to the top of their lungs as they raced through the crowd that poured away from the scene; however, their voice only blended in with the deafening terrorized cries. Pushing past every frantic person was like fighting against rushing water threatening to send them down a nearby waterfall. This didn't quite match their fantasies of making a cool, dramatic entrance before saving the day in an awesomely heroic way.

It certainly didn't pick up when they tripped over their own feet and fell straight onto the road. Thankfully, the rushing river of people ran dry, and they successfully made it to the brawl between two aliens.

Each inch of the sight poured into them, and the only thing louder than a dinosaur-looking creature trying to wrestle a red multi-armed robot was (Y/n)'s heartbeat. The second they wondered where the police were, they looked to their right and spotted several of their decimated cars laying helplessly in the distance. Fortunately, only civilian cars had joined them; looks like everyone not involved successfully escaped.

For now, at least.

(Y/n) stood on their feet and squinted their eyes to get a better look at the two. Immediately, they recognized the dinosaur creature as Ben when they spotted its green sash holding the same symbol his watch possesses. They didn't have time to take in any other information with the giant robot suddenly wrapped its mechanical claws around his neck.

"BEN!"

They were running - why were they running?? As soon as their heart screeched from within, their legs abruptly took off without their permission and charged straight toward the fight. The dinosaur-as-Ben creature quickly twisted his head around and caught a glimpse of their sprinting figure, and those small pupil-absent green eyes widened.

"(Y/n), get out of here!" he roared, reaching up to pry off the robot's claws.

They narrowed their eyes and increased their speed. Balling their hands into fists, they jumped onto a flipped demolished car and pushed themselves up in the air, graciously landing and kneeling on the cracked road. Taking a deep breath, they brought up their foot from behind and swung it above their head, and a line of fire followed their heel. A ring of a baby sun circled around their form as they roughly brought their feet back down in front of them, and the thin wall of flame held in front of their face until their fist thrust forward, sending the wall flying toward the robot.

It collapsed against one of its arms, and a deep scratch was left behind through the smoke.

While electricity shot up from the few exposed wires, (Y/n) beamed. "I did it! Holy crap, I really did-!" But they weren't given then chance to finish their cheer when another one of its arms flung towards them and grabbed them by their throat.

They gasped for air and instantly attempted to pry off the claws, but its grip was strong. Drool rushed down from the corners of their mouth as it slowly squeezed every last bit of precious air from their lungs. Tears caressed their cheeks, and they couldn't stop their hands from dropping to their sides.

'Wait-! Please...I wanted to help-!'

The hand was torn from their body. They couldn't see how. their vision became too blurry to make out the orange blob tearing a hole through the robot's body. All they knew was that the road was suddenly beneath them again and they were holding their throbbing throat and coughing and gasping for any trace of air.

And then, they were being embraced by something huge. (Y/n) felt their head being pushed against something rock-hard by some giant hand, but from the booming voice that erupted soon after, they took a wild guess that it was Ben's alien form.

"Are you okay?" he yelled.

(Y/n) coughed again before answering. "Y...Yeah-"

"Do you have ANY idea how stupid that was?!" He forced them off of him and held them in front of his face. His new eyes were laced in both sorrow and fury.

"I-I was just-"

"Getting in the way! If I wasn't here, you would've gotten yourself killed!"

They weakly held onto his giant wrists. "I'm sorry! I just saw that you were in danger and-"

"I've been doing this for years now, (Y/n)! I think I know how to take on a little robot! Do you know how many things and people I fought that were way bigger and stronger than that thing? More than you ever had!" Ben's watch symbol began glowing a strange mixture of yellow, purple, and green. "This is exactly why I never wanted you to know any of this!"

"Uh, Ben-?"

"People always call me a moron, but you practically outshine me! You always think you can take on anything that threatens you and always lose and end up hurt! You're the reason why I can't stand snakes and tree climbing and high diving! I used to love those things!" With every word that fell from his mouth, the brighter it glowed.

"B-Ben-!"

"I never even cared about rushing into things and getting hurt afterward until you came in! Ever since then, I've always been worrying about you, but you never listen! You were even worse than me, and you still are! The only thing I hate about you is how much you're an IDIOT!"

The glow enveloped (Y/n) entirely, and their world faded to black.

~

The sky darkened. Smoke poured through the streets. Not a single life took a breath except Ben, who started down at his Omnitrix.

Footsteps approached him from behind. "Ben! What happened?" Gwen yelled.

"Did you get him? Oop- wait- no, you don't need to answer that," Kevin shouted, probably spotting the remains of their former enemy.

Ben only kept his sight on the Omnitrix. (Y/n) was nowhere to be seen, but they hadn't disappeared. That didn't explain their panicked voice that occasionally rang through his head ever since that blast of light.

They were inside the Omnitrix. He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but he did know one thing.

"Ben, what's wrong?" Gwen asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

A long silence fell between them, and Ben turned around and flashed them both a grin. "Nothing! Just being an awesome hero, as usual," he said.

Gwen froze for a second before a smile reached her face. "Glad to hear it."

"Yeah. Gwen over here told me something bummed you out yesterday. You all good, man?" Kevin asked, putting a hand behind his head.

Ben turned away and looked up at the sky. "Yeah. Everything's fine now."

(Y/n) was still shouting, pleading and screaming for help. But Ben knew nothing could hurt them anymore. His forms wouldn't dare lay a finger on them, and as long as he protected the Omnitrix with his life, none of his enemies would have the chance to do the same either.

They were safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HERE IT ISSSS! Sorry it took a while to come out...! Dealing with stuff, and had a little trouble with this one ngl since I haven't been too involved with Ben 10 after a while. BUT! I hope you liked it!! I certainly had a lot of fun writing iiitt!~

Anyways, thanks so much for reading, and have a great day/night! <3

[theotherbuckley]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tagged by @nmcggg @underwaterninja13 @saybiwithme @your-catfish-friend @jesuisici33 @cal-daisies-and-briars @perfectlysunny02 @hippolotamus @wikiangela @smilingbuckley @diazsdimples @dangerpronebuddie @tizniz

How many works do you have on ao3?

18

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

92,593 !

3. What fandoms do you write for?

9-1-1 currently (previously criminal minds and lucifer)

4. Top 5 fics by kudos:

1. Because You're Exhausting 10K words (917 kudos) 2. Pancakes, kisses, and a little bit of TLC 4.8K words bucktommy (890 kudos) 3. I'll Take Care of You 5.1K words | buddie (879 kudos) 4. Cow Eyes 2.2K words | buddie (720 kudos) 5. Tripped and Fell 5.8K | buddie | E (464 kudos)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes💜 i try to respond to them all but sometimes i forget and then i feel bad because i get another comment and i cant respond to it because i didn't respond to the previous one but by then an extend period of time has passed and i feel weird about replying to the previous comment so i stop responding... oops.. also that time i go a few hate comments and it made me stop responding to comments on that fic

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Because You're Exhausting - uhhhh this is depression in 10K words its so fucking sad and you will need tissues and most of the comments on this fic are people telling me they cried so... yeah sorry about this (read the tags please for the love of god read the notes there's a lot of trigger warnings)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

There are quite a few with good happy endings but I'm especially fond of Cow Eyes i think its silly and cute

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah kinda - Because You're Exhausting has got a few mostly about the ending which i to an extent can understand but if you're going to be triggered by something please for the love of god READ THE WARNINGS IN THE NOTES - i don't wanna spoil everything but the tags on its own should have been enough to go hey maybe i should read the notes too asjkdaj so yeah a few hate comments on that

9. Do you write smut?

Yes! didn't for the longest time but yes yes I do :)

10. Craziest crossover?

I don't write crossovers

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope i think if i ever did id be so honoured I'd cry

13. Have you co-written a fic before?

currently writing one with @diazsdimples <3

14. All time favorite ship?

Buddie!!! (but I am really enjoying bucktommy atm)

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Healing fic is killing me rn - I may write a lot lot of angst but seeing buck so happy on my screen is making me struggle to write depressed buck but I will write it but also uni is killing me rn. this fic is over 17K so far with no end in sight so is by far my longest which I think is why its so hard

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm good at writing depressing shit

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Like the rest? Idk I struggle with dialogue tags and switching from dialogue to prose I think

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I love it but too scared to do it because I just speak English. But I love pet names etc in other languages.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

I think Sherlock bbc on wattpad when I was a kid and then Lucifer first on ao3. Looking back these are pretty trash idk what I was thinking but we all start somewhere.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Hmmm good question. Even though Because You're Exhausting is so sad I really do like it. Also running from myself (and the memories of you) (12K) which is also depressed!Buck but it's lighter and has a happy ending. Also both my chronic pain!Buck fics make me happy. Idk this is hard I can't choose.

I won't tag anyone since most people have done it but if you wanna do it then consider this your tag!

[asaprora]

NEED to know ur thoughts on chromakopia

oh my god BET

synopsis: album is eargasmic. 10/10, genuinely. life changing. this shit made me zone IN. absolutely BEAUTIFUL. album of the FUCKING YEAR. and i’m not just saying that because i glaze the fuck outta tyler. it was jaw dropping. it was like 6 am, id been up since 5 for basketball, and the minute i got home because i didn’t have school i FUCKING SCREAMED. top three tyler albums, EASILY.

(my top three are wolf, cherry bomb AND NOW CHROMAKOPIA)

st chroma: 9/10. beautiful. getting hints of cherry bomb which i LOVE. AND I FUCKING LOVE DANIEL CAESAR. SO MUCH. OH MY GOD. i don’t even care it’s popular. i busted so hard when i heard it for the first time. it’s so good. what a way to start the album.

rah tah tah: 9/10. SO underrated. i was bopping the WHOLE TIME. so good. i love it so much.

noid: 7/10. great. absolutely amazing. but, i will say, newgen song. all of my friend who don’t even know tyler like that all were bumpin to noid and it pissed me tf off. but, it’s good. and the message is so meaningful.

darling, i: 9/10. YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE ME SOME TEEZO. i love this song it’s so GOOD.

hey jane: 8/10. kinda boring, but still great. would be a lot better if more happened in the song.

i killed you: 9/10. i can just SEE myself on my summer trip to oahu and im BLASTING this on the beach. its so summery. it’s great. it’s so good. LOVE.

judge judy: 9/10. WHEN I HEARD DONALDS SEXY ASS VOICE I SCREAMED OUT LOUD. i LOVE this song. it’s SOO good. and i love how he refrenced dogtooth.

sticky: 8/10. OVERHATED. i think it’s such a bop. it’s so good, and lowkey sexy red and glo made the song so much more fun, and i love female rappers obviously so i might be a little biased.

take your mask off: 8/10. GREAT. so good. i love the daniel caesar, because he’s my fucking GLORIOUS KINGGGGGUHHHH and also it’s just a really great song and i like the lyrics and instrumental

tomorrow: 7/10. beautiful, but, it’s not really as much of my thing as everything else. but, i will say, it’s so meaningful and very VERY amazing.

thought i was dead: 8/10. GREAT. SCHOOLBOYQ CAME IN CLUTCH. i wouldn’t say it’s that notable though? because it sounds just like a lot of his other songs. good for tyler for the consistency though.

like him: 10/10. holy fuck did this song make me SOB. i’m not even a cryer, but this song made me actually sob so hard. it’s so beautiful. and at the end where tyler is singing and lola is singing and she kind of sounds like a little boy it BROKE ME. and the message made me cry even more. tyler, the man that you are. this is a musical masterpiece. an eargasm. absolutely spectacular.

balloon: 8/10. so fun. DOECHIIIIIIII UGHH MY QUEEN. this song is SO fun to listen to. i LOVE IT.

i hope you find your way: 8/10. what a beautiful way to end an album. my oh my.

favorites:

like him

sticky

rah tah tah

THANK YOU TYLER THE CREATOR I WANNA KISS YOU ON YOUR HOT MOUTH IM FEELIN ROMANTICAL

[biblicallyaccurateangeloncrack]

Genshin and hsr characters as pinned messages (out of context) from discord servers with my friends: a shitpost

(uhhh cw some nsfw jokes and cuss words)

wriothesley: "i do not want an alpha transformation happening rn "

march to danheng: "my coquette lungs are better than your emo lungs"

hu tao: *ghostly voice* "oooooogly boogly why'd you skadoodly me?"

xiao, learning how to spell: "i lvove elmo music"

childe: "he is in my feet"

klee: "yeah my grandma's actually kim kardashian"

bronya to cocolia when she got sick as a kid: "Mother please carry me outside before to see the sky one last time before the consumption takes hold of my body and soul"

hu tao: " "weenis", said eerily"

bennett: "THE SANDWHICH TOOK ME OUT"

blade: "that link is longer than my plans for the future"

serval: "i pledge allegiance to the american bra"

itto: "i am in heat growls the summer has come and i am in heat growls"

zhongli: "*old man voice* when i was your age i fought kids"

stelle/caelus: "when i was my age i eated drywall"

fu xuan: "JING YUAN ILL SNIPPERS YOU UP IF YOU DONT STOP WITH THIS GOOBEROUS SHIT"

diluc, about venti: "i like to prentend he was a fever dream i came with at 4am"

fréminet, trying to speak french: "they said Lyney tu dumbass"

sampo: "I think Luka would beat up Luka while Luka watches. and then Luka would join in and beat the living daylight out of Luka"

silver wolf, about blade: "ppl with lactose intolerance boutta have their 2nd period ongomg"

kayea and rosaria: "we're a match made in the deep dark depths of the abyssal caves in fuck knows where"

jingliu: "am i.........one of those queers........."

yanquing: "shout-out to my home dawg Charles aka history teacher for dropping this wisdom on me"

shinobu: "itto if you say anything penis related you are banned"

ayaka as a kid: ""please take me to the garden so that way i can see the shining sun for the last time before my frail body decomposes with the disease known as ligma""

lyney: "imagine Neuvillette seeing a bunch of orphans blow up infront of him"

yoimiya: "are you really friends if you dont have matching vagina bracelets ??"

wriothesley: "My name is actually marlinus maximilianus Merlin guys"

caelus/stelle: " *bites your toes playfully* "

Pompom: "i eat gender for dinner"

xiao: "is life without endless pain and suffering only for it all to end leaving nothing but emptiness and all your suffering being just for the entertainment of the entity that we call god. an entity who is the real reason as to why we humans end up hurting others, for pain and suffereing is nothing but an endless spiral no matter how hard you try."

kafka, messing with blade: "do you like the gay foot"

yanfei: "YOU CANT LET IT GO LET IT GO YOUR WAY OUT OF A RESTRAINING ORDER"

kokomi: "DEMENTED DOLPHIN"

Furina: "they oui oui'd me"

shenhe: "the cld never bothered me anywa......."

kiara: "agressive meow"

ganyu: "are you a tree cause i wanna eat you"

dainsleif: "while youre kissing you bf or whatever ill be watching in the walls"

venti: "I FART ON PLANES"

scaramouche: "childe I will shave you bald"

itto: "perry plaptypussy"

seele, in response to hook's drawing: "10/10 Einstein could never"

razor, to bennett: "I WILL LICK YOU TO SLEEP"

sucrose, about to collect more bones: "*deranged loud breathing*"

kequing, to half of liyue: "SHUT UP COLOR WHEEL"

cyno: "genderfluid people's favorite song is liquid smooth"

kequing: "the feminine urge to beat up your coworkers with a stick"

dehya: "i piss on biphobes" kaveh: "but what if they have a piss kink..."

albedo: "he looks like a failed science project"

baizhu: "blowjob? nah, blownose"

silver wolf: "story time, honkai star rail made me leave my brother at a gas station and i do not regret SHIT"

blade: "if i end this year without killing myself its a miracle"

columbina: "btw dead bodies take less space if you bury them like theyre standing up"

zhongli: " *cracks back and walks away leaving a trail of dust behind"

@muachiro @geetkk @veimwah @etherific @zohakutenstan

[iaus]

Someone beat me to asking abt the temple of the fallen sun (GOD THAT SCENE IS SOOOOOO GOOD) but for the directors commentary is there anything abt the cashmere sweater in Porter’s car scene? Such a nice touch. I know it’s short so if there’s nothing besides like eh it sounded neat or you wanna mention other scenes w the sweater that’s cool too

First off. I’m really glad that you are also asking about the other scenes with the cashmere sweater because. That was going to happen. I’m like literally vibrating as I type this.

The cashmere sweater is SO MUCH. I cannot begin to articulate how much thought I put into it. Like I was literally googling different sweater cuts, material… prices.

I needed to be able to see this sweater in my mind’s eye as Jace found it and held it and rediscovered this piece of himself that Porter greedily kept for himself.

Also. This might. Be a little. Scattered and long. (Crying, I wrote this in a word doc because I didn't want to lose any thoughts.)

I have a lot of thoughts on this freaking sweater and I didn’t even touch on the chapter 7 implications with it.

My first draft, I had Jace walk home in the burned clothes he was resurrected in but that felt so flat to me. There was no substance and to me it felt like cutting from him walking away from the place Porter was killed to just walking home was awkward and didn’t build enough emotion.

So, I decided that since in my last fic Porter’s truck was… uh. Well, important that I would make it important here too. (I like connecting my fics a lot. I did it with my Darkest Dungeon fics and I’m already starting to do it with these sb fics.)

And. I am not going to lie I whammied myself hard with that truck scene. I got stuck on it.

It was such a passing scene, but I needed to make it worth it.

It felt like a way to start the fic off with basically trying to draw the readers (and Jace) into this thought of wow yeah maybe Porter really was in love. And how can I convey this in such a quick scene? So that’s how we get this:

He leans into the back of the truck, ignoring the protest of his bones and aching skin, and digs through the gym bag. Protein bars. A half-filled water bottle. A clean windbreaker. A surprisingly discreet bottle of lube in an inner pocket. A small tube of Jace’s scented lotion. Strangely, a change of clothes for him: The soft, maroon turtleneck he thought he lost; an old pair of cream slacks he left at Porter’s house years ago; the extra pair of shoes he always left just in case. Something strangles in his chest, stops his breathing for what feels like minutes—hours.

Jace is here in this truck that he knows well and reaching for something he knows is there—that’s already a lot of intimacy on Jace’s end in my opinion. He knows that Porter’s truck is going to be unlocked. He automatically goes to the passenger seat. He automatically knows where to reach for Porter’s gym bag—as if he’s done this before—and starts digging through things without real issue.

But in this familiarity, he finds something new.

I wrote this scene with the intention that Porter had packed this bag right before they came to the school for the ritual.

These are recently washed, folded just as carefully as Porter’s own clothes.

These are not stale, packed last month clothes. This was done with deliberate intention. This was what Porter wanted Jace to find after he ascended.

Which leads to that devastating clarity of doubt Jace has:

You wouldn’t keep things like this for someone disposable, he thinks desperately. Would you?

And then… we make a pitstop to chapter 3 where Jace is in his big time spiral. He’s getting ready to binge drink, but he doesn’t want to be dirty and gross while he’s in the midst of his binge so… we get to the bathroom where we get more details about this cashmere sweater… but before we learn about the sweater and its importance, we learn about how unimportant the majority of Jace’s belongings are. He chose everything based on appearance and how it didn’t even matter because he spends all his time at Porter’s house (which, spoiler alert, will make an appearance at some point).

Now, we get to chapter 4 where the cashmere sweater gets some more screen time.

Jace is getting ready to shower and he strips everything, but the sweater.

The maroon turtleneck clings high on his throat. He cannot remember when he wore this to Porter’s house. He touches the soft, cashmere edge; then drags his fingers to the strange steady thump of his pulse.

The sweater becomes almost a bridge for Jace.

This is something that smells like Porter, that he knows Porter took the time to fold and pack, and it’s almost an anchor for him. He doesn’t have a body to mourn, but he has this sweater of his that Porter stole.

It was old—one of the first nice things he bought with his meager first year teacher’s salary. He looked forward to wearing it nearly every winter the years after. It kept him warm in the chill—added something vivid and striking to the already slowing monotony of his life. A small thing he had truly wanted.

This paragraph winded me to write actually. There are so many different emotions.

There’s the fact that in his first year of teaching Jace is already bored. (He isn’t resentful yet… it’s just settling into a routine he didn’t anticipate having.)

There’s also the fact that I’m seeing this as like the first real thing he liked wearing to work. I know personally my first year teaching I dressed more professionally than I did my second year which was fine? It just wasn’t me, and I think a lot of younger/newer teachers do that.

I picture Jace as starting his teaching at Aguefort in his early-to-mid 20s, so it was more “professional” browns/grays/neutrals outfits versus the colors we see in his character art. Not to say his dress is unprofessional, it just really does strike me as the kind of outfit a guy working a few decades at a school would wear. I DIGRESS.

The fact that this sweater is something he bought his first year is huge.

This is something he bought when he still wasn’t as bitter as he currently is (I think he’s always been bitter, but great at hiding it). But this sweater now becomes an anchor into his past in multiple ways now:

It’s almost a glimpse into a slightly sweeter Jace… one that we know Porter had an obsession with.

But it’s also something that, even in his rage state, Porter thought to bring for Jace. Which leads to this:

Then, years later, in the wake of shedding earth browns and sleek monochrome for preening and distracting color, it had vanished. He hadn’t been heartbroken—at that point he had filled his closet with so many soft, lovely things (what else was he meant to buy).

Porter was able to keep this thing for presumably years without Jace noticing because his life faded into a monotony that was so insufferable that even that beautiful, expensive sweater he bought when he was young couldn’t distract him. But… with the sweater forgotten we get:

And Porter had liked it better when he bared his throat—hid it only with a scarf he could unravel; as if unwrapping Jace was a small, private joy.

Jace, without even realizing, has changed with Porter around. He dresses differently, Porter likes it. So, why would he worry about a turtleneck he had when he was young?

He loses it, but it isn’t actually lost.

Still, it was strange to know Porter unknowingly kept—stole—something so sentimental to Jace.

Porter hoards it. Greedy to a fault about Jace really.

I do realize as I’m typing this, that it may seem like Porter corrupted this sweet, naïve boy but that’s really not it. I’ve always seen Jace as a mean son of a bitch who hides it behind a nice smile and the ability to side-step any questions about himself.

It’s more that this sweater links back to possibilities.

Maybe there was a timeline where Jace straightened himself out and did become a good teacher. Maybe there’s a timeline where Jace managed to make connections with others rather than becoming an obnoxiously friendly person to cover up the fact that he hates his job and thinks he’s better than his co-workers. It’s not the innocence, it’s the possibility.

Which… gets to this:

He waits until the steam has fogged up the mirror completely before he takes off his sweater, leaves it on the floor, and steps into the shower.

I see this as a turning point for Jace honestly.

Like the first half of this fic is all about subtle nods, subtle movements. He can’t admit any truths to himself at this point—he can’t even admit that his grief is affecting him physically. But by just leaving this sweater on the floor, he takes this old part of himself, this old possibility and leaves it on the floor. Discards it.

BUT ALSO... at the same time…

It’s not his anymore. It’s Porter’s. It’s been Porter’s for years. That’s part of why there’s this almost shame when he’s undressing.

This sweater that Porter has kept for years is now this link to Porter, ALSO hides the fact that Ankarna took the shatterstar. He doesn’t want to see himself without that mark Porter put in him. The sweater conceals him, making it so he doesn’t have to face the reality that Porter is gone.

After all.

Reds have never been Ankarna’s color to Jace.

Red has always been Porter.

[velvette3]

(3/29/24)

Why do I feel sad for no reason sometimes? It’s like a sick fuckin joke I swear. Today was such a great and productive day too! My boyfriend is as loving as ever, and he even bought me something! My OC got drawn by someone else so wonderfully and I couldn’t even do her justice w/ her of design! That art is just amazing and beautiful, and it makes me happy!

But yet I feel so sad, like I’m missing something. Maybe it’s just the lingering of my great grandma passing a few months back, but I don’t think so.

My birthday is coming up, I’m excited. I really am, I know for sure at least one thing that is on its way! First time in a few years that I’m excited for my birthday, honestly.

But I just feel sad. Idk, kinda worthless? I love helping people but damnit just seeing those around me struggling, and me not knowing how to help. It’s killing me I think. I’m just glad these are staying in drafts (unless I decide in a half asleep haze to actually post this fuck shit)

I just wanna help people so bad but I’m not able to yet. It’s killing me. I want to help people, I do and helping people makes me so, so happy! It’s what kept me going for a long time. But for that majority of this year, I haven’t been able to help people, and time has gone by too quick. Way too quick. It’s killing me, knowing how fast time is going and how little time I have left in a relaxing life. How little time I may have with people I love. My grandmother on my father’s side isn’t even 20 years younger than the great grandma I lost this year. I’m so scared to lose my Grandma J. I don’t know what I’ll do, and it’s going to be hard once she’s gone, especially when I visit my father.

It’s even worse when there is so much I can’t say to her, and how often I hear her say horrifying things.

I can’t tell her I’m Ace Pan-romantic because she’s Christian, and she talks about death and heaven so casually. I don’t know what’s gonna happen and I’m so, so scared.

So much is just there, and I’m losing so much time. I can’t help people like I want to because I don’t have the time, I can’t spend time with those I love because of how much shit I have to do with my schooling and freaking out about my future (even though it’s already here almost).

Another year I’ve wasted almost, and it’s just moving too quick.

The few things I’m grateful for in this though, are a few people, and my own stubbornness. My boyfriend, god I love him so much. I haven’t said it to him yet, no with the language we speak (English) and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m scared. But I do love him so much. My older brother, E. He’s been there since day one and is so supportive of me. May he be happy in his relationship as it is for him! I love those two shithead so much, and I can’t wait to see my brother again soon, and my boyfriend Just tomorrow maybe!

And my own stubbornness. It’s been almost (at midnight it will be) 191 days since I intentionally self harmed

^ that was the math for months. I am halfway to my head long goal of no self harm, and that has kept me going as well. My stubborn self, whenever I think of self harming, practically on the verge of just doing it, I say I can’t. I’ll be crying and weeping, wishing for pain, but I still can’t bring myself to do it because I promised myself I’d go a year AT LEAST. It’s kept me from giving in, thank god.

But I don’t know, with all of this, even with those few people, if I can do it. I came so close, so so close to giving into the thoughts and shit recently. I’m starting to scare myself. I don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s killing me. Ever since my third grade years, I was horrible when it came to control. That’s when my self harm started, in third fucking grade because I thought I could’ve preventing certain things from happening, had I tried harder. Ever since then I’ve been so hard on myself but FUCK I need to, I deserve it because I’ve let people down so many times, I’ve disappointed so many people so much.

But I dunno. I dunno why I’m so sad when today was so good for me (3/29/24)

I dunno anymore, I just want to help people so bad, I want time to slow down. I want to feel whole. Helping people helps me, and my mentality, so much. But I don’t have the time to help others anymore and it’s so hard to find people to help when everyone has such outta wack time zones.

(3/30/24)

Time is passing too quick and it’s terrifying. On top of that, I’m so scared that if I mess up in my schooling (online schooling anyways) that my parents will call me outta the blue and yell and shit. I remember very vividly back in middle school how I got like, 2-4 states mixed up on my US states quiz that I cried. I cried so hard, fearing that my mother would be angry over a topic I should know well since this is the very country we live in. Thankfully, she wasn’t.

As of now, the grades I’m getting are decent. All A’s, all year round. But I’m struggling in my Spanish. Sure, they may have been more positive about my grades here recently because of the fact that I’m towards the top of my class, but that’s not the point.

Then being happy about it sometimes makes it worse. I fear if I slip even the slightest, their expectations, if I fail them, they’ll be angry again.

I’m so scared to impress them, that I’m making it harder for me because I do so well. I know I do decently, but because of the fact that I rarely mess up, the times that I do, are impactful.

It’s awful, really. I should be happy about my success but it’s just giving me hella anxiety.

I guess this is just a journal now? Meh, it might as well be. Drafts stay drafts, after all.

(Yeah I think this is draft #16?)