#alter: chuun

[system-of-a-feather]

Seriously though like this whole "we MIGHT be polyfragmented" like bitch of course we are

We have a subsystem that has three or four subsystem parts that have fucking subsystems.

Anyways, Im bored so Im spamming here until someone kicks me out. I'mma do a picrew and see if I can summon someone else out

[system-of-a-feather]

I'll probably color this eventually but these are the majority of the distinct non-dormant recently (1 year~) relevant parts minus Mel who doesn't have a stable appearance, Shapeshifter cause *motions to the name*, and ^Chunn who I originally was whining about drawing cause I got lazy and tired then realized of all parts in the system he'd be the most likely to just Not Show Up for something like this so it was fitting anyways

Top Row: Sir Wellington, Aderis, Lucille, Ray, Chunn^, Iris

Middle: XIV, Me (Riku)

Bottom: Li and Jii (I honestly forget which took which, XIV deals with them the most), Mouse (hes there), Eva, Aya, Data!new, Lin, 404

[system-of-a-feather]

Chunn: Riku doesnt say "i digress" 10x in a post and is filled with an unending apathetic void huh

Chuun: they also probably wouldnt be fond of calling them selves broken attachment wise

Chuun: Yeah Im definitely not Riku am I

Me: *banging on the wall* GIVE ME THE FRONT BACK I WANNA DO ART

Chuun: i dont hear you and Im turning on my music

[system-of-a-feather]

Also tfw you are there like "Damn too resting angry to be Riku but not XIV either, kinda Data but definitely not Data!new, maybe Data!old but thats an interesting hat trick"

and in the background you hear Riku being like "Oh huh, strange interesting yeah I dont think thats me" and XIV going "eh its fine that one I could probably eat pretty easily" and Riku going "Eh true if they dont care to ID well see if they pop up again"

☠️ This subsystem is iconic. I'm arguably and possibly a newish split or at least an unknown part and theyre reaction is "I can eat him" and "Huh wack"

Still not sure who I am but 😂 All I know is I have resting bitch mood and I respect this subsystems zero shits given (assuming Im even in the subsystem)

-??? (EDIT: Chuun)

[system-of-a-feather]

I like how our brain has gone into "tired and overstimulated so everything annoys us easier" and rather than switching to Chuun who would be the natural one we redirect to me (XIV) and to deal with that, I sit here and literally keep talking and rambling my thoughts at my fiance who is just staying quiet and maybe not even listening cause hes also in a similar mood minus the annoyance cause its my usual and its known that I don't reallu care that much if he talks back

Like yes, Chuun when like this wants to be around absolutely no one and will get very angry if he can't leave relatively quickly

But then there's me. When I'm like this I don't look much of any different and continue talking off anyone's ear cause I love the sound of my own voice

[system-of-a-feather]

Whatever I'll go by Chuun - and yeah literally based on "Chew toy" cause why not. It's kinda funny though our fiance is so used to new faces poping around I'm just like "anyways *waves off* let me listen to my music and do my own thing"

Asshole replies with "YOU DONT HAVE YOUR OWN MUSIC OR YOUR THING" which like fair bitch but fuck off. "My own thing" and "my music" is usually a very specific thing in our system but like, whatever man.

Tbh I'll probably not show up again or be absorbed into XIV or some shit at some point so its more of a formality than anything but *shrugs* (probably) polyfragmentation be like

I do have to say for as much of a hot mess of a system that we are, we are all so fucking egotistical and apathetic so its really just like, we split new parts and rather than freaking out like a lot of parts probably should most of us are just like ".... eh Im here and thats whatever. I'm too good to give a shit anyways"

Also on that note can I say Riku is literally one of the most annoying baseline hosts our system could have? Cause like, most of us in this system are extremely apathetic and detatched from crap - like low AF empathy low AF shits given low AF remorse and huge fucking egos all around - and then there is Riku who is basically an animated sentient definition of a mask and they are CONSTANTLY super energetic, engaged, enthused, and bouncing off the walls and theyre good at looking friendly and personable and so like

When a newbie(?) like me comes floating around its SUCH a high standard to try to live up to if you don't want to deal with having to make a fuss about it. Like I was gonna try to mask around our fiance cause I don't really care for people and shit, but I know I'd last like 2 seconds before he sniffed me out so I was just like "Sup Im not Riku and probably not anyone else noted, now imma go do my own shit until someone whose actually engaged gets out here to do something"

[system-of-a-feather]

Chuun apparently spent lunch break doodling himself

(I also fixed his pinky and lack of a thumb that should be visible after saving it to my phone to post)

[system-of-a-feather]

Okay so I don't know how much of this is a thing generically related to our trauma, an autistic thing, an Asian / generational or cultural trauma thing, a personality disorder thing or whatever but honestly... the concepts and feelings of being genuinely proud or ashamed of something - and like wise, insulted or hurt when that is dismissed, not shared, or ignored by someone close to me - just don't... exist or comprehend to me.

Like I don't understand - beyond a purely semantic and logical manner - feeling "proud" of something and wanting acknowledgement of it or verification that it's good. I also don't really understand being hurt by someone's negative opinions of something I did? At least for the most part.

And this isnt to say I don't actually experience pride or present that way - cause we have a huge ego and high confidence, its just the whole idea of having that be anywhere involved with social reciprocity and having it be at all contingent or effected by someone else's response or action just... confuses me.

If anyone out there has any food for thought on which branch of strange quirks of mine this comes from or just anything that is relevant to my utter bewilderment.

[system-of-a-feather]

I didn't even interact with Chuun directly yesterday but they're presence is much appreciated and did help me reorientate in a more functioning manner.

Even if that reorientation was him going "ok I KNOW why Im here now and its DUMB cause yall can do this yourself and do better so guys get your shit together and fix things if this brain decided we need a new guy to specifically fix this come on"

[system-of-a-feather]

Yeah ok I realized the two main reasons I split and thats annoying. Hopefully we can resolve this so I, ya know, don't gotta be here.

-Chuun

[system-of-a-feather]

Realizing in hindsight this was likely also me thinking I'm Riku and not actually Riku lol

I need to make a rule of thumb of "if it crosses my mind 'Hey Im oddly XIV like maybe Im blurred with him' but dont feel blurred, I am PROBABLY Chuun"

Subsystem shits dumb and nonpossessive switches are annoying sneaky shits

question that might sound stupid but is genuine; this doesn't apply to family or family friends, right?

It's not meant to apply to everything and every situation as everything is nuanced. When I say the last statement of "dropping an orange flag at your feet" that isn't meant to be "you are bad" but that I will always look at the situation with an initial cursory glance of "ok is that actually a healthy dynamic" when I see it. There are a lot of situations where an adult might say they are "friends" with a minor - family friends being one of them - but the real question then lies on how the dynamic is.

The statement was probably poorly worded to my apology as I was literally going to bed and I should have elaborated / focused more on the point that it is meant to be less about specifically the term "friend" (which I had written like that because I have seen it used to mean a certain thing in a lot of groups I've been in and forgot that it probably is a lot more of a loose and generalized term for other places) and more so the "give and take" power dynamic skew.

Elaborated a bit more here

[system-of-a-feather]

Man I am going to vent a little bit here real quick but honestly my fiance's struggles with mental health is just - kind of annoying and bringing me down a bit I guess. I'm not sure if those are the right "emotion words" for it because they don't feel like the right words for it - perhaps "exhausting" added to the mix might help make it feel more right - but it's been like four or five months since he took a plummet and its hardly gotten better and everytime it flares up I really gotta keep batting down the "Dude just stop thinking about it and just do it and take care of yourself - DO somethign for yourself and FIX it and do more than just self sooth in less productive ways" cause 1) he is doing things about it - it just me projecting my standards that are ingrained in our trauma onto it and 2) he is a freeze fawner and I really have to be careful about applying my fight, flighter perspectives onto him like mine are any more "correct" than his and all of this is valid and takes time and yada yada cognitive empathy stuff I'm aware of

But considering I'm in a place where I'm now technically physically disabled and forced off work for 3 weeks - I'm just like OK well I am trying to keep us sane and grounded and moving forward and not getting depressed (which while rare for our system is dangerous) because we are stuck in doors and unable to do half of our usual coping because we have to stay out of work and not-active - and you are just there still 1) barely being able to help us with the few limitations we have without looking like you are about to pass out from anxiety / depression and 2) are making an atmosphere of garbage misery and mopiness

And this is all REALLY mean to be saying because I know for a fact hes genuine, I know he isn't being a "whiny bitch" or trying to milk it or anything - I am saying it here because I have been doing the obligatory socially right and empathetic / caring thing to do and acknowledging that stating how difficult "his depression is on me" and how it - to my horrifically avoidant attachment hyper independent self - feels like dead weight cause it absolutely would not help the situation

But god is it frustrating me how little is progressing and more so how I have to keep booting up my Empathy TM Generator and Patience and Understanding so much at home. Like I'm just going to my room and sitting with my birds while he does his work stuff because honestly I couldn't deal with the atmosphere, but ugh.

If anyone has any pointers on how to deal with this that is better than my current "be patient, help serve as a buffer for when he is down, listen, and let him know its a process and it takes time and that its fine because I'm genuinely capable of taking care of myself and that hes doing what he can and I appreciate that" but ugh.

I don't really know how to navigate freeze fawners and how to help them out of their spiral / rut. Specially when the guy literally looks like he will pass out of anxiety half the time.

Advice again is welcome.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly the thing with people stating any part is "irredeemable" or whatever is just how much those statements just have always turned out to be wrong with time. I don't think I could have ever saw myself working with Lin, XIV, or Chunn in ANY functional level, each for their own reasons.

Lin - if I was honest - I thought was too broken to ever be able to live again and that forever he would be a part we needed to nurse and protect forever.

XIV had literally tried to kill me and hijack our life cause he personally hated me and wanted to literally raise hell for his own amusement.

Chuun - and his earlier version Data - were constantly toxic people-hating control freak assholes with a short temper and little to no ability to tolerate any sort of change whatsoever. Almost every day they were making passive comments to cut people out of our life

Those three are now my direct "colleagues" and I love and respect the shit out of them as they do me. We're the host squad and everyone really does their essential role AS WELL as supports the others in doing their essential role. All three caused a lot of problems with varying levels of intent and blame and a lot of stress. None of them I genuinely thought would ever be able to be a safe and functional regular let alone co-hosts and secondary hosts.

On top of that, I used to believe I could NEVER live without Lucille, Ray, and Aderis to care for me and advise and guide me through day to day to make sure we were safe, moving forward, healing, and doing life in a not-spiral manner. I've had panic attacks over that thought.

As it turns out, those three don't really even speak up much anymore unless we are in a crisis or overload state. They're still here, but these days they are just in the background being supportive while they let all of us handle most of life.

Most of the time we really DON'T need them - and thats good.

Dynamics change. People change. Parts change. Alters change.

Change is part of healing and while the feelings of "this is the way it will be forever and I literally cant see it any other way" is valid and important to acknowledge, go through, and process, it's also important to acknowledge that there is a lot of unexpected things happen that are beyond the imaginations of our present selves.

[system-of-a-feather]

Lately been coming to terms with the fact that I'm the anomaly in the system and the system while being mainly extroverts, we are too antisocial to deal with work that has an emphasis on social skills

Cause I'm like the only part that can semi-reliably keep up a semi-acceptable / professional person appearance for 8 hours 5 times a week where I have to stay to a "normal person" level at a minimum

Like

Yeah we're extroverts but we literally can not keep up with the baseline expectations being "interacting with people and having to be considerate and diplomatic 24/7" unless its me and MAYBE Lucille (who can't do it either cause hes got mild social anxiety and is actually one of the closest to an introvert)

Like I do enjoy our current job, but being a teacher-like role requires us to be at least mildly emotionally engaged and present and requires us to watch our language and be complaint, understanding, and "professional" in a way that isn't going to be written off by some Republican or Karen as overstepping educational boundaries and yada yada

And so really I've been doing work most of the time which really fucks up the "shared life balance" me and XIV treasure a lot because if we were to try to even up the hours in the day, it would require me to be working with all my hours and rarely getting an actual break for myself which is something we can't do because I WILL do that and keep doing it until I break and scatter another like 50 fragments all over the place - and so we've been basically having me as main host and XIV as "secondary host" which is not what we like or need since its not the best for us.

And on top of that we have like Chuun and the Data Subsystem running around probably as a result of some emotional / mental burn out.

And man I'm glad we are going back to working in a lab where I have like maybe at most 5 colleagues around and sometimes will have the whole lab to myself and I can just turn off my brain and do tasks cause that is something almost all parts can do

Cause as much as I do enjoy this work, its a job only I can really do and that just puts me in a place of being 'The working alter' or 'The Host' which neither is really Great for me.

Going back into a research lab would be great and beautiful and hey we might get to learn to do surgery on a mouse.

-Riku

[system-of-a-feather]

2 and 19 for the fusion thing :)

Wanted to answer one before bed since these both are good me questions.

2) Have you had any fusions that eventually split back to the (more or less) same parts?

*slowly raises hand* Honestly I'm very prone in general to temporary fusions and I dunno how much of that might be a quirk of me as a caretaker or something else, but a lot of parts - particularly EPs - tend to do this thing where I like to jokingly call them "hit and runs" where they just kinda slam into me (sometimes with and without consent) and just meld short run with me to gain some sense of stability - it used to be a really chronic issue cause they would do it a lot and rarely with permission or any heads up and over time I honestly just kinda leaned into it and now its a bit of a tool house I have for the "uwu" alters that need a softer approach cause now I often go "hey wanna sit up here with me" and we sit in this dissociated fused state which is DIFFERENT from being blurry and co-front but don't ask me to describe how cause its hard XD

But beyond that I'm usually not really great at holding fusions together. The only one I held together is me with Riku 4 (who was like a fusion of two other parts but they fused before we understood what was going on) and even that one took like 4 months to stabilize to which we'd regularly be more A or B than A and B.

Then there was the whole saga of Data Riku which is the nickname for the fusion between old!Data and myself that we tried to hold from like Nov 2022 until like March 2022. We also tried to make it work like for like two or three months before cause while everyone agreed Data would fuse better with XIV, Data was much more drawn to me and they really wanted to fuse with someone so against XIV's intuition and Ray's optimal suggestion the system just decided to try to go with it

And that time period is honestly a good bit foggy for me currently cause it was usually a relatively unstable fusion in the sense the fused state of us just kinda kept fugueing within ourselves (ie we'd sway so hard to one side of the fusion that we'd forget it when we swayed to the other, but it would still stay our single identity up and out there, again one of those things that "its different but dont ask me to explain it cause idk how I would") and its all muddy, but we ended up re-splitting basically into our original parts entirely after being a muddy fusion for 4 or 5 months. I DO think I walked out of it with a bit more ability to relax though. That Data ended up splitting again into new!Data and Chuun, but the old!Data did briefly return.

But nah, I fuse and unfuse 500x more than I fuse and hold it. That being said I would MURDER (/j) everyone in this house before I go back to being just Riku 1.0. I don't CARE whats what I was fucking MISERABLE and unaware so FUCK that.

3) Has fusion affected your relationships with people outside of your system?

Honestly not that much surprisingly? I mean maybe not because only our fiance knows us well enough individually to really have any large impact, but he's so used to the bullshittery of DID like we are so he just goes with the flow of it. If anything, its largely helped it solely because every fusion we have had has honestly made us a lot more "normal" and stable of individuals, so its allowed us to live our lives better and reduced the amount of crisis-es we had and as a result, the amount of crisis-es hes had to help us through.

Prior to my fusion with Riku 1.0 and Riku 4 AND as I mentioned, I was a MISERABLE fuck on both ends cause Riku 1.0 was chronically working on the move and chronically burning fumes and limbs to keep working and was unaware of it until they HARD crashed and Riku 4 was CHRONICALLY exhausted and burnt out and held a lot of the awareness of just how much Riku 1.0 was taxxing the whole and so like... ever since that fusion I've REALLY been able to be a lot more grounded, take care of myself, and honestly live life. Previously I used to be really unable to stay anywhere near present or enjoy shit cause I had to keep moving - I like literally couldn't cuddle my fiance for more than maybe 10 minutes at a time because I had that much of a GOTTA KEEP WORKING drive

And so since that fusion I've literally had like 2 or 3 hour cuddle sessions and honestly been so much more engaged in the world and life and a lot more down to earth, relaxed, and present and that in itself set up SO much easier life with my fiance.

Honestly currently he is going through a time himself, and honestly had I not fused here I probably wouldn't be able to handle him at the moment and this could have been really bad and a huge crisis situation.

As for XIV and his fusion, it made him less of a chronic worry and hazard since XIV 1.0 was honest to god unhinged and worried everyone both in terms of hurting himself, the system, and others and XIV's fusion made him a semi-functioning part that then became a very important part as he got used to his new state so I can't go as in depth with how XIV's fusion affected the relationship, but its very much in the same vein of "very mentally ill and dysfunctional to a lot more 'normal' stable and fictional".

[system-of-a-feather]

Literally like ☠️ XIVs just back there like "well if it is a split of Data!old then thats actually easier than Data!OG cause this ones just a little bitch which I already am so its fine. The pussy side of Data!OG and Data!new is the part thats hard for me to chew"

Like bro Im right here 😂 I don't mind cause whatever I don't mind being eaten or whatever cause I don't really ID as anything other than probably A Riku with a weird dissociative mood but bro 😂 Im right here you are such a dick 😂 Im fine with it and I agree but bro could you be like 2 seconds more subtle thanks

-Chew Toy

Also tfw you are there like "Damn too resting angry to be Riku but not XIV either, kinda Data but definitely not Data!new, maybe Data!old but thats an interesting hat trick"

and in the background you hear Riku being like "Oh huh, strange interesting yeah I dont think thats me" and XIV going "eh its fine that one I could probably eat pretty easily" and Riku going "Eh true if they dont care to ID well see if they pop up again"

☠️ This subsystem is iconic. I'm arguably and possibly a newish split or at least an unknown part and theyre reaction is "I can eat him" and "Huh wack"

Still not sure who I am but 😂 All I know is I have resting bitch mood and I respect this subsystems zero shits given (assuming Im even in the subsystem)

-???