#also the way my ex of 4 years NEVER posted me on his socials but as soon as we broke up and he got a new gf he was posting ALL about her

[beverageenthusiast]

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[spookwyrdie]

Sweet Spot {part 3}

{part 1}{part 2}{part 3}{part 4}{part 5}{part 6}

Baker Felix x Florist reader

summary: Before the ceremony, you unfortunately have to face your ex. Though with Felix there to back you up when Johnny starts being rude, there's a tension you haven't felt before. How will you survive watching your ex get married? // genre: fluff, angst, eventual smut // word count: 3.6k // warnings: adult dialogue, sexual themes //a/n: if you're not on the taglist and would like to be, please reply to this post or send me an ask!🥰

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I have only posted this here and on AO3 - user: spookwyrdie

Before doing anything else, you need to go take a very cold shower. For one, you need to scrub off all the plant matter currently staining your hands. Secondly, you need to douse this awful combination of anxiety and lust that’s been building up throughout the week. The idea of Johnny walking down the aisle has been simmering away in the back of your mind and the confusing fresh wave of desire for Felix has not been helping. When you try to untangle the thoughts from one another, it feels like trying to diffuse a bomb, not knowing which wire to cut. 

There’s a part of you that feels bitter about Johnny, you two were together for so long, and he’s climbing that ladder of life faster than you. All the bragging that he’s done has seeped into you. In your more insecure moments, you think yourself jealous of him. It drives you mad, knowing how dead your relationship was by the time you pruned it, but all that time and effort lost on some mediocre shithead from your college years makes you feel like you’ve wasted your prime years. Johnny has an uncanny ability to suss out the parts of yourself that you’re least confident about and boast about his success in those areas. 

When your floral business was just starting out, he made sure you knew how well he was doing with money. When he met Jenny, he paraded her around online and at social functions, telling anyone within earshot how he’s never loved anyone the way he loves her. He liked to go on and on about how he knew the very first time meeting her, he was going to marry her. They were just so compatible - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every time you are hanging out at some brewery with your old friends and Johnny starts up, it takes all your effort not to scoff into your beer and roll your eyes. It’s not jealousy that you feel though, you just wish he would shut the fuck up about it sometimes. 

When he had approached you to do the flowers for the wedding, he seemed surprised when you accepted.

“I promise, I’d love to do the florals for you and Jenny,” you said.

“Are you sure?” Johnny said, eyes full of pity. “Is the business doing okay? It’s totally fine if you don’t want to take on a project this big.”

“Business is booming, Johnny,” you gritted out. “I’ll even give you a nice discount, since we’re friends and all.”

“Okay, great!” he said. “Be prepared for Jenny though. She’s terrible at making decisions without my help.”

“I’ve worked with a lot of brides before, I know I can handle any changes she needs to make,” you reply coolly.

“Good to know,” he said. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

You remember this exchange like it was yesterday. The way you had little half moons embedded in your palms from clenching your fists so hard comes to the forefront of the memory. There was something about how Johnny knew exactly what to say to get under your skin still made you angry.

Thinking back about this exchange while you soap up your body under the cold water of the shower, a little seed of conspiracy plants itself in your mind. Did Johnny encourage the massive switch up of aesthetics at the last minute? Jenny seemed so eager about the previous plan of  classic, timeless flowers that the switch to bohemian felt really out of left field, especially so close to the wedding date. It was also a little rash and stupid of you to offer him such a huge discount. Minho and Chan were right, you had to make sure all your extra work was paid for properly. 

The Felix problem was an entirely different can of worms. This crush you’ve been nursing for years now had fuel added to the fire, all because of a silly dream you had. Granted, it was an incredibly hot dream, you feel goosebumps raise on your skin, and not just from the frigid temperature of your shower. If anything, the icy water was keeping you grounded, not getting swept away by your desire again. 

Were you ovulating or something? Why was this hitting you so hard, especially now? Nothing had changed between you and Felix, you just seemed to notice more. He’s been extraordinarily kind, really going out of his way to take care of you. It helps, since both of you work within the wedding industry, to have someone to confide in so closely. The last few months, you’ve seen him more often than not, like an extremely reliable dinner buddy. You realize Felix is a huge reason you haven’t felt as lonely in the past year. 

His offer to be your plus one had you reeling. As you step out of the shower, you remember how he urged you to call him your boyfriend while you were here. 

“It feels real when you can attach a label to it like that,” he had said. He was right. You knew, beyond a doubt, that your ex would take what you said more seriously if you had “evidence” that you were doing well. It was petty, immature, and not something you should entertain. . .  but you wanted to feel an ounce of victory against your ex. You were going to that wedding to show up and show off. It didn’t hurt that you also secretly craved to indulge the fantasy of being with Felix like that, even if just for a night.

Toweling off your body, the dream-hazed feeling of his hands on your hips rocket through you again. It’s not that Felix wasn’t touchy, he was one of your more physically affectionate friends. But that was just the way he acted with everyone, always hugging, touching, soothing, you internally scolded yourself for getting swept away by his antics. There was something about Dream Felix’s hands that felt burned into your skin. Rubbing your face, you try and shake the image - you have shit to do, there’s a wedding you need to get ready for.

You pull your dress out of the garment bag, a pastel pink, slinky number, ruched in just the right way to accentuate the curve of your hips. The length is just modest enough to pass for a wedding, but stops right above your knee. You have your favorite pair of strappy, white fuck-me heels to go along with it. You make sure your lips look plumped, your eyes look sharp and bedroom-y, and your hair looks fashionably mussed and loosely pinned back. The goal is to look like you didn’t put in too much effort while still standing out from the crowd. 

You’re futzing with an earring clasp when you hear a knock at the door. Felix stands in the doorway when you answer, whatever greeting he was about to say dying on his lips when he sees you. His jaw slackens as he stares, drinking you in. You’re in a similar position, enthralled by his appearance. His hair is half swept back, tendrils of his cool toned blonde trailing resting against his shoulders. His suit jacket is a pale blue offset by his light beige dress pants. His attention to detail is insane with his white shirt with small detailed flowers embroidered into it and a silver blue embroidered tie to match. The undertones of the suit complement his honey tanned skin so well. His freckles nearly glitter on his face. He looks good, as if he just walked off the runway. You’re not sure how much time passes as the two of you gawk at the other, before you shake yourself out of it.

“Lix! Come on in!” you nearly shout, unable to control the volume of your voice.

“Wow, Y/n…” he murmurs as he steps inside the hotel room. “You look…”

“It’s a bit much, I know,” you interrupt him. You don’t think you can handle whatever he was about to say, good or bad. “But I wanted to show off a little at the wedding.”

“That won’t be an issue at all, I promise,” he says as his gaze traces your form again. His eyes darken for a moment, lost in some sort of intense thought, before he snaps out of it. Looking up at you with a bright smile on his face, he does a little spin to show off his outfit. “Told you I clean up real good, didn’t I?”

“Understatement of the century,” you mutter, your skin flushing. You can’t help but trail your eyes up from his shoes to his face. “Oh! I have something for you!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!” you walk over to the small fridge in your shared room. Inside is a plastic takeout container, slight condensation covering the inside. “Well, technically I have something for both of us.”

You pop open the container to reveal a corsage and a boutonniere, a combination of lilac, lavender and mint. Picking up the boutonniere, you beckon Felix over. “This goes on your suit and I have one that matches.”

“Ooh, matchy matchy!” he lilts.

You playfully smack his shoulder and laugh. “Yes, matchy matchy.” 

He stands close to you, the toes of your shoes nearly touching, as you pin the flowers on to his lapel. You smooth your hand over the fabric of his jacket before looking up at him. He’s got that same adoring look in his eyes as he looks down at you. You feel yourself flush again, that cold shower’s calming effect has fully worn off now that you’re back in the warm glowing spotlight Felix seems to put on you. Bashfully, you look away and your eyes catch the clock on the bedside table.

“Oh! I need to get down to the dressing rooms with the wedding party’s flowers!”

You’re already power walking out of your room when you hear Felix trail behind you, “I’ll come help.”

You sneak into the bridal dressing room with a few boxes while the girls are still in pre-wedding prep. There’s a lot of movement all orbiting Jenny. When she sees you, she smiles and beckons you over. Felix hangs back, hovering by the entrance, not wanting to disturb the tittering over the bouquets. 

The bridesmaids love the flowers, each getting their own mini version of Jenny’s big bouquet, slightly unique in arrangement and color. You also reveal the corsages that they’ll be able to wear at the reception, also matching the bohemian theme. The din of chatter rises again in the room. Jenny sees Felix at the door and waves, smiling at him like they were old friends. She catches your eye and winks.

The bridal drop off was simple. The groomsmen drop off fills you with dread. While walking the boxes of boutonnieres over to the men’s dressing room, you feel your stomach do a few flips. Felix gives you a reassuring smile and waits in the doorway yet again. As you enter, you hear the cheerful, familiar voices of Peter and Bobby calling you over.

“Y/n! We wondered where you were,” Bobby says.

“Yeah, holy shit,” Peter says. “It’s been ages. I’ve never seen you grace our presence in anything but sneakers!”

“Hey guys,” you grin at the boys. These two chucklefucks have been your friends since the first week of college when you found yourself in an ice breaker circle during orientation. They were the two who introduced you to Johnny incidentally during a chaotic game of Edward 40-hands. Johnny had helped you drag them back to their dorm when they were three sheets to the wind. “Lovely to see you two looking like you’ve showered for once.”

“Hey now, don’t go complimenting us too hard,” Peter smiles with a big wide gummy smile. “Whatcha got there?”

At that moment, Johnny appears, giving you a flat mouthed smile. He looks slicked back and shiny, his cheeks a little too pink to seem suave. He looks a little wary seeing you all dressed up. With your heels on, you are at eye level with him and you know that he isn’t a fan of that.

“I came to pin on your flowers so you all match for the ceremony.”

You start pinning on the little bundles of flowers one by one. Johnny is last in the rotation, his boutonniere a little more complex than the groomsmen. You both stand in awkward silence for a moment, safety pin stuck between your teeth, as you maneuver the wrapping of his flowers.

“So…who’s the blonde?”

“Hmm?”

“Who’s the blonde dude hovering at the door?”

You turn your head, and make direct eye contact with Felix. He’s got a cool smile plastered on his face that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. The way the afternoon sun is hitting him makes him radiate though. Somehow he seems to bring his own sparkle with him everywhere he goes, like he can’t help but capture the attention of everyone surrounding him. You watch as he presses his tongue against the side of cheek as he looks at the two of you across the room.

“That’s Felix. He’s my…boyfriend,” the word feels strange in your mouth.

You see the muscle in Johnny’s jaw twitch as he mulls that over. “I thought you were bringing your sister.”

“Nope, you just assumed I was bringing her,” you say, your voice clipped. “Remember? You thought I was having trouble in the ‘dating department’?”

“How long have you been seeing each other?”

“A few months now.”

“Hmm,” he grunts out, eyes still on Felix. “Isn’t he kind of… too pretty for you?”

“Excuse me?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. 

“I mean, isn’t he a little…” Johnny raises his hand to make a limp wrist gesture.

“I don’t like what you’re implying, Johnny.”

“Oh, don’t get all offended on me. You know what I mean! He looks like a fairy,” Johnny whispers, too loudly. Everyone in the room goes quiet.

“Why are you being so fucking rude?” you feel the heat of anger roll through you, color rising in your cheeks.

“I’m not, I’m just surprised you’re into guys like that,” he sniffs, looking away. “Are you sure he’s into you?”

“Fuck you,” your voice bites out, adrenaline pumping through you.

Bobby comes up and claps Johnny a little too hard on the shoulder, forcing out a laugh. “He doesn’t know what he’s saying! He’s probably just hungover from the stag last night. You know how alcohol turns him into a little bitch.” 

“Yeah,” Johnny mumbles. “Sorry.”

“Whatever,” you say, turning on your heel. “See you out there.”

You stomp over to the door where Felix is standing. As you approach, he holds out his hand for you to take. Unshed tears burn in your eyes, but you’re too mad to cry. Felix walks one step ahead of you, pulling you gently to a secluded corner near the lobby. 

“Y/n, you okay?” he leans down, concern painting his features. You’re breathing hard, trying to calm yourself down but it feels like there’s a swarm of bees under your ribs.

“Breathe.” Felix says as he pulls you into his arms. He hugs you tight and takes some deep breaths in a slow, soothing pattern. You don’t realize you’re shaking with anger until you’re pressed up against his chest, but you begin to relax in his embrace. He pulls back a bit when he feels your forehead slump onto his shoulder, giving you a reassuring pat on the back. 

“What he said doesn’t matter, I promise,” Felix says, his deep voice rumbling through you, close to your ear. “It’s hard to insult someone when you’re calling them pretty.”

You chuckle, looking up at him. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“Ehh, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. I’m sorry you had to hear that,” he says. “He was insane to think that I wouldn’t be into you.”

“Yeah, my fake boyfriend has to be into me,” you chuckle. You feel much calmer now. “It’s like, the main reason you’re here.”

Felix gives you an inquisitive look, like the combination of a frown and smile, before shaking his head. “Yeah sure, fake boyfriend.”

You take one last deep breath to ground yourself. 

“Alright, let’s go find our seats.”

~

You’re no stranger to weddings. The families and friends shuffle in, light piano music playing in the background while everyone decides whether they want to sit on the bride or groom’s side. You hear a few hushed conversations about how lovely the florals are and secretly beam with pride. 

Felix drags you to a pair of seats on the bride’s side in the back row. He’s sitting close to the aisle side, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you close to his side. The small circles he’s rubbing into your shoulder are meant to be soothing, but you feel some of that ache blooming in your chest again. This is what it would feel like to really be with him. 

Johnny files in, taking his places in front of the round floral arch you put together. You avoid Johnny’s eyes at all costs, not wanting to scowl the entire ceremony. Jenny doesn’t deserve that. Felix, on the other hand, can’t seem to keep his eyes off Johnny. If looks could kill, Jenny would be a widow before she even got married. 

The swell of the wedding music starts up as the bridesmaids line up. Everyone stands, Felix taking your hand in his once again. You watch as a few of the bridesmaids do a double take at him, raking over his outfit briefly. One of them fully gawks at him for a moment before she remembers where she is. Your eyes are focused on the flowers, watching how they compliment the outfits and how they blend with the rest of the styling. 

The piano switches to a slower version of “Here Comes the Bride,” which feels strangely traditional with all the bohemian decor. Nonetheless, Jenny, arm in arm with her father, slowly marches down the aisle. Her gown is soft and flowy, her hair long, her veil made in the style of macrame. It matches perfectly with the bouquet you created for her, you beam with pride. You find yourself smiling and leaning into Felix’s shoulder. He turns to you, fully looking away from the bride, looking at you with a soft expression. Your focus is on the bouquet as Jenny steps up to the front. The ceremony begins when the officiant gestures for everyone to be seated.

Felix grasps your hand, lacing your fingers together, as you sit. He runs his thumb over your knuckles tenderly as he watches. Your other hand finds his bicep as you lean into him. He grins and subtly flexes for you. While Felix is focused on the couple at the front, his hand slips out of yours gently. For a moment, you’re filled with disappointment, until he shifts to grab your leg, fingers dancing along your knee. The room fades into the background, now all you care about is the way his fingers feel against your skin.

The voice of the officiant drones on. Felix’s eyes still firmly face forward as he caresses down your thigh, the hem of your dress riding up an inch or two under his grasp. You look down, watching in awe at the light ministrations, the pads of his fingers tracing little heart patterns on the inside of your knee. The sensation makes your heart flutter and the sensitive skin under Felix’s hand buzzes in anticipation. 

You glance up at him to find his eyes still trained on the exchanging of vows. He looks stoic, almost as if the way he’s touching you is a mindless activity. Maybe it is, maybe you’re getting carried away, awash in the building arousal. You try to remind yourself that this is fake, he’s doing this to help you put on a show for others, to rub it in Johnny’s face a little. Felix is a master at the act if he’s able to get you to believe, even if just for a second, that he returns your feelings. Your heart sinks as you think of your own little delusion that he could feel the same about you. 

He looks down at you then, head leaned into his shoulder, both hands grasping at his arm. Whatever look you give him must spur him on, this time he lightly drags his nails up your inner thigh. You gasp at the sensation, arousal pooling in your belly. Your knees lurch closed, trapping his hand between your thighs. He smiles at you again, this time flashing his teeth, the tip of his tongue tapping at the point of one of his canines. Your legs shudder slightly and you whine, so low only he can hear it. He delicately slides his hand out from between your thighs, wrapping his arm around your shoulders again. 

The noise of the room kicks up again, everyone clapping while “The Wedding March” plays on the piano. You stand on shaky legs next to Felix. As Johnny and Jenny come down the aisle, Felix pulls you to him and presses a kiss to your temple, making direct eye contact with your ex. Your eyes flutter at the possessive kiss, realizing that you hadn’t imagined Felix’s lips in the same spot the other night as you drifted off. As your mind spins, you miss the way Johnny sneers at Felix, disdain dripping in his gaze.

As the rest of the wedding guests file out of the room behind the couple, Felix grabs your hand and drags you out, trailing behind everyone. Heading towards the reception, he brings your hand to his mouth, giving it a quick peck. He looks at you, his eyes glinting with mirth, as he says, “Come on, let’s go try the cake.”

~

taglist: @binniesbabe @jeonginsleftcheek @ivydoesit23 @stayatinykatsy @mong---mong @palindrome969 @dottydarling @chiaki-nanami-aesthetic

[ash-says]

hiii ! i love your post about being audacious 🩷 do you have any tips about improving people skills/ being more charismatic? thank youuuu 🤭

Hello girlll!!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the audacious post. It's one of my fav tbh I literally came up with it while I was cooking. So coming to your question let me see how I can help you out tbh I share my opinions and what has worked for me so far. So practice discernment and take everything with a pinch of salt✨✨

Tips to improve People Skills/ Being more Charismatic:

1) Find your USP:

USP means Unique Selling Proposition. What makes you unique and I mean it in a personality sense more here. You can extend it to your looks but start from a personality trait cause it will be forever and very personal to you. Even if someone copies it, it will always be a cheap one.

I will elaborate on this with an example:

One of my ex colleagues was really good at socializing. He was 27 years old but I kid you not he looked like a 20 year old or even younger at times. He had a boyish charm and he used it to his full advantage. He literally had a child's energy and would jump here and there in the office, act like a literal child when not working. He had a refreshing energy to him the type that reminds you of your childhood days. Heck after a meeting with the CEO he used to watch cartoons to destress and made us watch it too so we could also relax but when it came to work he was smart, efficient and knew how to use his easy going socializing energy to generate sales. So you get my point right?? Find what attracts people to you or what value you can offer to them.

2) Knowledge. Education.

I personally swear by this. Be as disgustingly educated as possible. Know about various topics at least the basics of current trends or what's hot and some off topics. This adds dimension to your personality and helps you to hold a conversation with anyone. Plus you never run out of topics to speak on.

3) Confidence. No elaboration needed.

4)Sense of humour.

Why bore people to death by reciting the merciless nature of Julius Caesar when you could present it as a joke when something relatable comes up??? People are more likely to find you charismatic if you can make them laugh.

5) Master the art of Storytelling

This!!! Right here is a cheat code I tell you. You don't have much knowledge to speak on for now? Fine as you gradually work on it hold conversations by sharing bits of your life in a colorful way. Engage people with your life stories. Make them fun and a little dramatic. I am not advising you to lie. There's always a way you can convey something in an entertaining manner. Master it. I personally use it a lot and it's fun to connect with people cause they too loosen up and share their stories and then you link it up with your sense of humour by adding a nice comment or comeback.

Warning : Never share details that are very personal to you. Only share funny incidents and situations that won't bring you in trouble if gossiped about. Practice with discernment.

6) Learn positive body language and develop empathy. Empathy truly helps you in connecting with people on a deeper level and creating a bond based on trust and emotions.

7) Smile. Don't grin like a fool but when you see someone you know make a note to address them. Wish them good morning ,etc . Pass a genuine smile towards them. Be polite.

8) Be genuinely interested in other people but not in a nosy way instead in a healthy way. Help them out if you can. A good deed never goes to waste.

9) Have a positive outlook on everything. No one wants a pessimistic person around them. Even on days you can't. You know the mantra ," Fake it till you make it".

10) Support people. Be kind. Soft spoken. Know your place. Don't downplay yourself in front of people who are clearly not at your level and don't overestimate yourself in front of people who are professionals in those fields. Get a grip on how to act with whom. You won't know it until and unless you won't do it. Have a strong sense of self, be opinionated, confident and be witty. It's fun that way. Push your limits and don't be afraid to network with new people and talk to strangers. Who knows what will happen??

Possibilities are endless.

I hope this helps you out✨✨

[marblecakemix]

Welcome to my humble domain!! 🫧✨

Hi, you can call me Marble (this is my internet nickname), a lesbian in her early 20s from Poland. Just vibing here on Tumblr from time to time. If you want to look into my post/reblogs read my takes on #talk tag.

*I'm an adult and I post things for adults. I don't have time to block minors, feel warned!

You can ask me anything you want. I won't shy away, but remember that I'm not your therapist and all my opinions are biased forward women!

I also created a Harry Potter au blog, where I post art of myself and my close friends. Get me a follow there if you're interested to see my self insert au xd

More information about me under the cut! 💕

If the part has * in front of it that means I changed something in the text and/or my views are different than before.

I desisted in the middle of 2023. I used to be a non-binary/agender and asexual individual for around 3 to 4 years, but I understood all of that was because of internalized misogyny and homophobia and I actually wanted to have my boobs intact and I did like being a woman before I was introduced to the trans community. (For clarification, I didn't take hrt or have any surgeries done. I've only transitioned socially, thank goodness.)

I'm an ex-Christian, now I probably would call myself a spiritual person, researching my Slavic roots at the moment. I have a complicated relationship with faith, so nothing in this department is set in stone.

I believe in critical thinking and triple-checking facts. Everyone can have their opinions, but actions should have a base in grounded reality and unbiased scientific research. Read those books ladies!

I'm mostly talking about my experience as an ex-TRA, a lesbian, a woman, someone who lives in a misogynistic/conservative family and a country that has yet to legalize same-sex marriage, but you can safely transition here even as a minor.

*I'm a trans identified men hater. I don't care. Fuck all men, I don't care anymore. Gender dysphoria or perversion (autogynephilia) in males should have never been "solved" with a surgery and/or irreversible drugs/HRT. No other mental illness has permanent body modification as its treatment, same should be for gender dysphoria. The trans movement (men's rights movement in disguise) is the most harmful thing that happened to homosexual youth and I'm so tired of seeing more people being pushed into it just because they are themselves and aren't scared to dress unconventionally!

*I gave up on men. I don't believe it's a women's job to fix whatever they have going on. If they are so scared of women not wanting them anymore, they should adapt to the change.

*I don't block people, unless they're insufferable. We can have different opinions, different lifestyles, different views, but if you're annoying I draw the line there (because Tumblr dot com is my leisure time and I won't have the negativity of random people ruin my mood)

I make mistakes! I'm just a human being and, naturally, I will be in the wrong sometimes. May it be because of the language barrier or me just not thinking things through, doesn't matter. I will try to acknowledge my mistakes and say sorry. I'm still learning and there isn't a better way than through your own downfalls!

I also draw sometimes (I don't have much time for it right now, bc I'm in the middle of my academic years), you can find my work under #my art.

Nothing here is set in stone. As I grow as a person my views will probably change. If you have any questions, just ask them! I'm happy to answer all of them ❤️

Last update: 18th November 2024

[compassionatereminders]

giiiiiiirl

i also only use tumblr

i deleted fb years ago, i used to have all kinds of social media but tumblr feels like home to me

and no one bothers me here like on fb i understand that some people want to have it to keep in touch with friends or family but i was so sick of my old classmates "spying" on me, classmates that never liked me came into my inbox because i didn't post anything on fb and they were curious about my life (they were those kind of girls who only wanted info so they could talk shit)

also my ex boyfriend was harassing me, told his friends to harass me etc.

here no one knows who i am

even if i post a selfie people thati dislike don't even use tumblr or they used it ages ago and they haven't been using it for like 8, 9 years now

when did you make tumblr? i assume this is not your first tumblr? or is it? i made an acc here in 2008. but i made 4 new blogs since then. one 2008, 2011, 2014 and my current one in 2015.

Yeah for me Facebook is still useful because I'm interested in political activism and it's a neat way to keep track of various events and organizations and new as well as old acquaintances, but I haven't actually posted or scrolled on Facebook since like. 2012 or something. Which is approximately when I made my first blog on tumblr! (not this one)

[shjayd]

1st post not via iPhone 🤨

ok... i'm typing this from my laptop. i like you enough to download you to my laptop, Tumblr! 😉 i don't think i can even edit any of my font or anything, so that part sucks (if in reality i can't), so i'd say app via iPhone > Windows when it comes to you, #TUMBLR <- idk if that will even tag in the middle of my post/only at the end.

GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.

previous text complaint: taken back

it's time to get this started ⌚ i heard about you from the Netflix true-crime documentary, Hotel Cecil or w/e, & the thought of posting my thoughts like a social journal (among some other things I've ran across or made self - i like to do calligraphy and hand lettering. i've became creative AFTER getting clean AFTER getting pregnant with my daughter. i always was, i guess the drugs took that part of my imagination away? i'm also obsessed with astrology. if you ask me, i'm a professional astrologer 🔮🌙✨..🤥🫤😤

Taurus Sun, Taurus Moon, and Rising Gemini... i know. a SCARY, yet BEAUTIFUL mEsS. ❤️‍🩹 i'm also very educated in mental health. from personally, to genetics, family and friends, to past work experience. i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) after my HORRIFYING encounter with Post-Partum Depression, PPD, (although i've most likely suffered from my BPD since a very young age. my mother and brothers who lived with me all of my life would agree). i just never took, nor wanted to take, what my mom and family dr. told me a/b therapists & referrals to psychiatrists anywhere near serious. i honestly thought everyone felt/acted the way i did with both my lowest of lows & highest of highs 🤯… to me, it was always “this is what everyone has to go through. this is life. this is life… everyday”.

i'm a twin, my mother & i are as close as they come (it’s scary b/c I know she won’t be here forever, & both my daughter i I NEED her. forever). her EVER leaving us is another thing I refuse to even think a/b. NEXT SUBJECT;

yes, DADDY ISSUES 🙄 i was the wildest teenager into my late 20s. that was all until i FINALLY realized my self-worth & left my toxic, to say the LEAST, ex-gf, FOR GOOD, & ended up with my life-long best friend's brother, who i've been close, actually very close with, ever since i met his sister when we were ~10-years-old. he saved me. then our daughter came at the most perfect time to save us, as we started to go down that path holding hands. i'm DEF. not going to go into depth, y'all would drown, if you haven’t already.

*the specifics are overrated with no existing relevant meanings here*

i've been on this Earth for ✨almost✨ thirty whole fucking years. yes, i typed out the word, b/c I now have this BURSTING animosity for the number 3, however, 4 is mine. my best best friend is a 2-year-old, teeny chonk, only 2 years old, more dramatic than me, sassy-ass, genius COVID baby. (she was conceived in 2019, so, that was... a.. normal different?) she's 28, ✨ALMOST✨ 29-months-old. her name isn't important, so I'll just refer to her as 'quack'.. 🦆

..............🥰🥰🥰

we live together with her daddy - minez first 🏃🏼‍♀️🥇😂 - my other best friend. (〃￣︶￣)人(￣︶￣〃) •i also enjoy: "adult" coloring books, THC, journaling, Amazon Prime, the little things, elephants, my vape, bullet journaling, bellly laughing, my dishwasher, baby clothes, wood-burning, doodling, Hulu, ACKNOWLEDGMENT, roses WITH sunflowers 🌹🌻, ORCHIDS, my desk, ear-buds, Aaron Hernandez, my little space on earth instead of the internet - my desk & sketchbook, & ANYTHING organizational/cleaning... •i dislike: Scorpios, fantasy movies/series like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones - sorry, not sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️ - shitty parents, mornings, Karens, uppers, Instagram, judgmental humans, my fingernails when they aren't done, & typos. I have a love/hate relationship with Pisces, both male & female 🐠 i'm as blunt & unfiltered as they come. oh, & you can't hurt my feelings (a big s/o to my past traumas). i'm.. an opened, closed book... if that makes any sense to you? now go ahead & try to break down my walls to get to know the real me! i’m the best friend you could ever have! 🤞🏼😸🥳 OKAY! that's enough for now. follow me, & let's get to learn more about e/o & our little spaces on the internet. if you've made it this far 🙂 i'm going to stfu now. (didn’t lie a/b a thing. told you i tend to start rambling. bad.)

• i want to leave you all something pretty to look @ as a preview of what this journey entails💭

[mentalhealthdocumented]

In university I started in psychology, I decided that I wasn’t smart enough to get a PhD (to become a psychologist) and so I gave up, I transferred schools into a sociology program. They are all dirty communists in sociology, I didn’t really like it.

2:18 PM · Dec 3, 2024

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

I thought about dropping out of school, I was working full time and decided to basically like enroll and then drop courses for two years. Two years wasted, I switched into international development studies which is like political science but more hands on (so like non profits)

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

But I didn’t really like that either, and I figured my university meant nothing to find jobs and so I was preparing to graduate. I started a diploma program for Ece, I dropped that, then I was looking at dental hygiene, just a lot of program reaching out them etc

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

I started talking to a guy in Italy (I drew his penis actually) And he told me about his ex who was a psychologist but she only had a masters. I didn’t realize that was possible and so I like literally googled if it’s possible in Canada and in certain provinces it is

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

In Canada I wanted to move to Alberta because it’s more affordable and people are usually a little nicer, in Alberta you only need a masters to be a psychologist. And I looked at America too, in America a masters can get you in lpc (licensed professional counselor) jobs

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

A lot of therapists are kinda shit right because the masters might not even be psych sometimes it could be caca crap but usually the masters in psychology wants are pretty good.

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

And yah so last minute I straight up cancelled my graduation, enrolled in courses, and got my funding and like just started up again in school. I’m using like all my cash that I have left on school and so I’ll need to work again part time but it’s fine

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

And then I kinda started building my like goals, my end goal is masters in psychology, if that never happens I want a masters in social work. And I’m finishing a diploma and degree at the same time to start working in a relevant job right after university.

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

Masters take time and I might not even get in right away because in Canada the public schools are like super competitive (those are also the schools which offer accreditation for Alberta) like every province is different like every state right

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

But yah like I was so sad, I’m still nuts but like does get better it just takes forever and it happens in weird and unexpected ways. It’s about growth mindset, like being creative and seeing opportunities in places you wouldn’t expect

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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22m

Yes

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[mayriecate]

Ranch Post #1

Hi! Since I have seen a lot of horse bloggers make posts like this, I felt like I should make my own l to introduce myself and who the equines are.

I'm Cate. Obviously this is just my nickname, but I rather something than my IRL name be used in social media spaces. I live in Indiana, US, and I've been crazy for horses since I was little. However, it took me until I was in college to actually take initiative to go to lessons, learn, and become more of an equestrian. I still have a long way to go, but I want to be an equestrian for life, since horses saved me.

I started riding in 2020, and I'm coming on 5 years of riding under my belt. I have always ridden and taken lessons from the barn I now give weekly lessons at. The owner of the ranch has been my friend and mentor since I began riding, which is many the case among passionate riders. But since I came to the ranch, everyone there had become my family. Of course this includes the horses.

Speaking of, we now have 10! The main two, who have been at the barn since before it was bought by the now owners, are Max and Punkin. Max is the black and white paint, Punkin is his dun daughter. Both are quarter horses. Max is a retired western pleasure horse, Punkin is a retired broodmare.

Next is Big Libby, who is a bay Tennessee Walker/QH mix. She is an ex trail horse from Alaska. She has had some pretty severe trauma that has made her hostile, and has switched hands many times, and she will hopefully be finding her forever owner soon. But I'm hoping she will be staying at our barn.

There is my favorite horse and usual ride, Shylo. She is also a Tennessee Walker and QH mix. She has some sort of neck injury that makes her a difficult ride, and she gets confused easily as well, but she's the sweetest girl.

Then is LibbyLou, who is an OTTB. Her racing name was Hunt For A Dove. Aside from this, we don't know a lot about her. She never came to us with papers and her owner and I are good friends, and we are trying to find any information about her we can get our hands on.

Bear is our only mule. He is a pony mule, and his previous owner used him for 4H showing. He's very smart, and does well in the arena, but outside he's been dangerous. On a trail ride he bucked and caused me to have a concussion. We're considering selling him to a responsible horse owner and getting a new horse who is safer and more dependable.

Winona has been here with us for almost a whole year now. We got her in January of 2024, and she had come here with a chestnut paint gelding named Jewels. However, we got both of them for free, since their owner was moving, and was desperate to see them both homed together. Jewels passed away in September due to cancer. We assume Winona is QH.

Two new ones are Mavis and Rocket, chestnut mare and Palomino respectively. Mavis is allegedly a Standardbred/QH mix. We are desperately trying to find out what Rocket is. For now we assume Quarter pony.

And lastly is Maggie Mae, newest 4 year old roan bay. We are trying to ID her brand but haven't had much luck yet. I'll post her pic soon when I get it.

But that's all of us! I'll post more when there is news or rides we go on :) I'm currently taking care of Shylo while her owner is out traveling, and I'd love to make her an overall easier ride. Any tips would be great!

[theanonymousintrospector]

Let them? Or believe them?

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of the empowering "Let them....." posts and merch that's been circulating social media. I grabbed onto it at first wanting something to make me feel stronger than I currently am. Because my struggle is I believe them.

Sometimes I feel like I believe them more than I can convince myself. So who am I.

I can tell you who i feel like I am. Then I can tell you why I believe the version of who I am based on everyone else's opinion.

I feel like I am someone with good intentions. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. But most importantly I walk around with a heavy load of pain and sadness. People always seem to really like me at first. But when it because clear there more going on emotionally, they seem to steer clear of me. People avoid negative emotions.

That's not to say people haven't tried. To genuinely be close to me that is. But, I think I've i feel safe with someone, I have so much I'm trying to unload, I think I end up trauma dumping. I'm sure it can be exhausting. Do I lose those connections as well.

I'm almost 40. I just started consistant counseling 5 years ago, of which I learned, what I've been diagnosed as anxiety and depression, was a secondary symptom caused by actually having PTSD from relational trauma.

Because of how deep I have been hurt by people close to me, it makes it hard to make myself vulnerable again to where I might fall for Somone else's manipulation again. This has affected all relationships in my life. Relationships at work, my parents, my romantic relationships, my unlawful and my kids.

Even though I know I'm not the only person in this world that struggles in this way, i so find it hard not to feel alone.

I see my husband and how his family would go to bat for him, even if he was in the wrong. Then I see my family, which I've needed in several scenarios, but not one person came to bat for me when I needed them to. Even if I wasn't wrong.

So when the common demoninator between you and those who all reject you. It's hard not to believe them.

I could feel like a single mom before I got married who always put my kids first in everything I tried to do. I fought to be the best mom for my kids.

But they may see me as over protective, overbearing. Sometimes controlling and sometimes drinks too much and chooses relationships with men over them.

If only they truly knew how hard it was to be able to provide them the quality of life, as I had growing up if not better depended on atwo income household, because I was not making enough to sustain us. That and as a single mom, sometimes we just need someone to hold us and tell us that everything is going to be ok.

As co-parent I could view myself as fair putting my children first. But also wanting the time to build good memories in them. I felt like I was more than willing to support the relationships my children have with their fathers and let them decide what relationship they want to have with them.

I never expected to be a single mom of two kids with two different fathers. Mind you, I've never been married before recently, never cheated on anyone (but have been cheated on).

One child's father is non existent. My relationship with that child, although strained during the teen years, seems to be important to that child to maintain with me. And we currently are closer than we ever have been. And working on us every day.

The other child and I currently have a strained relationship. It's hard not to feel like that cold father didn't have any influence on our child's opinion of me. I know I've made my own mistakes. But I also know how that child's father views me. As they've openly expressed that to me, I can't imagine they would hold that back from our child.

That child's father, thinks I'm white trash. People only get with me when they are desperate. They feel I stuck them with a child for their money. Granted, this ex of mine also left me 4 months pregnant, on the side of the road after experiencing my first onset of an anxiety attack from what I didn't understand back then was PTSD. I understand it was scary.

Yes, I was screaming crying and hitting the dash. I don't blame that person for the leaving me part. But that ex got married 6 months later. Harassed me on social media that I was pinning them with a child. That child's would be taken away from me and they would be abused. They claimed I was whore who didn't know who the father was. (Which I did, I only did paternity tests to prove I wasn't lying) And that I wouldn't know when and I wouldn't know where, but I was "going to get it bitch". Messeges that all came from fake profiles. This one with a picture of a man pointing a gun at the camera.

This relationship came after a physically abusive relationship, that came after a toxic, physically, verballly, emotionally relationship. My first relationship ever, someone I be up with ended up in my man's bed. There's so much more to my history of toxic friendships and criminal ideology that all was prequel leading up to when I ended up having kids. I'm getting sidetracked from my point getting into all of this.

Back when I was a single mom. My point was, by this time I've been let down by even man in my life. Yes including my father, but I love my father and he did the best he could in the moment.

I lived my life just past my 30th birthday before I finally had a job that paid enough that I could start seeking counseling and start my path to healing. All this time caring around the fear and the pain of being the villain in other people's stories of me.

It's hard not to believe, because somehow everyone in my current life is associated with someone from my past. It's like I can't escape it.

And especially with my one child estranged, it's hard to know if what i did was enough for him to remember how hard i fought for him. I didn't actually ever lose my child in court proceedings. But I definitely lost them in the opinion of what they felt was best for themselves. Because as soon as they turned old enough to choose where they wanted to live. They left the house. And our relationship has been strained ever since.

I do everything I can to start over and rebuild. But I still feel like I'm battling overcoming the perception others have paint of me to my child. I definitely feel like I helped paint that prescription myself, because i tried always promoting the other parent to my child because I thought it best for my child to not know how I truly felt of there father.

I always thought my child would understand. They'd see in the end how hard i fought. That i did what was best and always loved and supported them. But here we are. Still estranged.

Its hard to Let them.... and not believe them. That's where I'm at and why I am sad today.

More to come another day because this deep cut bleeds into my work relationships as well.

But for today I'm drained. Putting my thoughts here feelings like someone or there might be feeling alone the same way I am. I hope trading this makes you feel like you are not alone. I could journal this am to myself. But, it's all ashtray in my head. I want to get this out of my head and out into the universe.

Negative comments not welcome thank you.

[beingstalked]

To show these accounts were never made for the purpose of stalking them. My old twitter account I had created in College. The Ellie account I cannot find details for but it was just an account created for the hype of TLOU2. I hardly used it but called Liam out when he created an account pretending to be a character from a game, something he said I did. The details for my last twitter account I had were: Joined November 2020. I didnt initially put my name on the account or link myself to it in any way, didn't post photos of myself, just kept it as K. Liam still obsessively stalked to find me and continued to stalk. I eventually found his accounts through a mutual friend. My JK account I deleted, Liam did not get my account taken down because the account was private and had never followed or interacted with Liam on that account, Most of the time I have deleted my accounts because I want to have a social media presence without having Liam constantly having eyes on me. I've deleted my first reddit account because I'd had ago at Liam telling him to leave me and Phil alone and he would stalk and the pathetic loser he is, kept down voting. He has a thing with "if I got higher numbers than them, I'm better than them". I always joked it was small PP energy and when Liam talked about his lack of sex life on ASimpleManInADress, it explained everything. I have never wanted to be constantly pestered by Liam, I've removed myself on certain platforms to try stop this behaviour. Yet when I remove myself, Liam will look for hours on different platforms to find me, to feed this obsession he has with me. He always says he's stalked and harassed by me, yet I have tried removing myself multiple times, and he always comes to whatever platform I'm on. If I was stalking and harassing him, why has he never tried removing himself, why has he created new accounts when I've blocked him, to then stalk me on the new account. Why does he care so much about me? Why has he cared so much for 4 years about what I do with my life? How would he know I've blocked his new accounts on Reddit when I don't interact with them? Simple answer, because he goes to stalk my account to see what I've been saying, then realised hes blocked. On Twitter he used to react to what he did, followed my friends to be blocked by them? Accuse us of wanting him, blocked a fake account i suspected to be his partner under the name Izzy Darke? Immediately says we're keeping an eye on him, yet he went to stalk my account and realised I had blocked him, therefore making it very obvious (i never communicated with the account or made a post about me blocking the account), whenever I've posted on here, ive never sent Liam a link, ive posted on my Reddit AFTER I've blocked him, therefore meaning he made his new accounts and didnt like that i was posting proof that proved what he was done, but also that he was a compulsive liar about the whole situation. He reported my post of me showing what message I had sent Stacey in Feb 2023 because he did not want to me to reveal me going to them and calling out everything hes done, he wanted to twist the narrative and be the victim and have sympathy. Hes always been the butt of jokes, the biggest one amongst his mates was when he had his foot run over by someone in a wheelchair in school, hes ran into a wall trying to do a wrestling move, completely missing the person and running headfirst into a wall, or jumped down off a wall and fucked his knees up. Hes never liked being the butt of jokes and hiding behind a phone screen made him feel powerful, he just was never a good liar when it came to covering up what he had done, especially when theres screenshots to prove it. With how he does this behaviour, I'm not his first victim of stalking, I can guarantee he's done this to other people he was friends with, exes, probably the cousin that he repeatedly told Phil the story of he didn't like. This behaviour did not start with me.

[juliesdiary]

06/07

My heart feels like it’s missing something. Recently, I’ve discovered that a guy that had previously expressed his interest in dating me, has been engaged. As far as social media goes, his relationship has leveled up in just a couple of weeks. I'm glad that I missed out on that “red flag”, but this has also caused me to reflect and really tap into my feelings. It’s as if I’m pretending to be oblivious to the obvious. I know I’m never going to fall in love again. I know I’m never going to experience what it’s like to be chosen time after time by the same person. I know I’m never going to experience that obsessive kind of love that I often daydream about. I know I am incapable of loving another person. Reminds me of something this other guy told me; “all it takes is one guy to mess it up for everyone else.” That guy had tried asking me out several times, but I always rejected him. After rejecting him for the 3rd time he decided to ask why I had been so set on “no”. Up until that point, my ex-husband had already claimed his new girlfriend on social media, posting her and even adding her name to his bio along with the ring emoji. I remember my phone shaking in my hand when I saw everything that he had been posting. My stomach dropped to my feet, and I think I might have actually heard my heart breaking. Why? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why did he finally decide to give her everything I had asked and begged for? My heart feels empty and hollow. Like a house when the whole family leaves for vacation. No talking, no yelling, no laughter, no crying, just complete silence and emptiness. Will he ever come back home to me? I know it sounds idiotic to think that way after everything he has done to me but those last couple of months we had agreed to work on our marriage, and I was actively seeking help. I began to listen to sermons on how to better your marriage. I had begun to take care of myself more. I was working 5 and sometimes 6 days of the week. Then I got blindsided on a random Saturday when he texted me saying that he no longer wanted to be together. That he had thought about it for a few days and wanted to be alone to work on himself. However, just 2 weeks later he posted his new girlfriend with several heart and heart eye emojis. He had blocked me on everything so how did I find out? Well, that’s another story to tell on another day. I wish I could move on just as quickly and easily as he did. But it's been 4 years since we broke up and I still haven’t gotten over it. I still love him. Is it loyalty or just plain stupidity?

[spookwyrdie]

Sweet Spot {part 4}

{part 1}{part 2}{part 3}{part 4}{part 5}{part 6}

Baker Felix x Florist reader

summary: At the reception, you're in the spotlight in a few different ways. Felix seems to be a little too good at this fake dating stuff, making everyone at the wedding believe you two are madly in love. While you try to figure out your own feelings, your ex certainly doesn't seem to handle it well. // genre: fluff, angst, eventual smut // word count: 5.9k // warnings: adult dialogue, sexual themes //a/n: Thank you for being patient my little cherubs! Life has gotten hectic, but this is a bit longer of a chapter than I expected. 💘 if you're not on the taglist and would like to be, please reply to this post or send me an ask!🥰

(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄

I have only posted this here and on AO3 - user: spookwyrdie

The weather couldn’t be more perfect for this reception. A cool breeze flutters through the cream table cloths in the reception area. Felix has his hand on your lower back as you walk in, looking at the small place cards to find your names. You can tell by the dueling decor of the reception that the bohemian switch was recent. Your arrangements bring that artsy, free spirited vibe with the traces of twine, lace, and grasses, but most of the decor follows the standard wedding trends. The drapery is pressed and pristine, the tableware was white with gold detailing, and everything is shiny. It definitely isn’t unattractive, but you know that it clashes a little in terms of taste.

The table setting for the bride and groom was front and center, currently empty while the wedding photographers took advantage of the golden hour sunset in the vineyard. At one end of the table sits a large light green, tiered cake. The theme of the cake is very floral - there are small bunches of pointy, textured leaves surrounded by a pattern piped on meticulously to look like macrame, adorned with small round sprinkles like scattered pearls in the frosting. It’s a gorgeous cake, complementing the floral decorations you had worked so hard on, as if you and whoever the baker is were on the same aesthetic wavelength.

“I’ll grab us some drinks, go sit down,” Felix says, trailing his fingers across the small of your back before leaving. You feel the loss of heat from his hand immediately and miss it. 

“Something sour for me please!” you call after him as you wander over to the table where you and Felix will be sitting. 

“Y/n!” a voice squeals behind you. Johnny’s younger sister comes up behind you and wraps her arms around your shoulders with a giggle. “It’s been ages! You look fantastic.”

“Lily! Look at you!” you said, spinning around to greet her. “You look like a whole-ass adult now!”

When Johnny had introduced you to his family, Lily had loved you right off the bat. You told her all about the flower she was named after and for a birthday gift one year, she made you a small ceramic garden pot with a pattern of lilies. One thing that Johnny could never take from you was the fondness his family still felt. When the two of you broke up, you were determined to keep in contact with some of them, mostly checking in on them from afar on social media.

“You have to sit right next to me!” she beams at you. Nudging you with her shoulder, she says, “You are also required by law to tell me about the pretty blonde boy you’re with.”

You beam at her. “That’s Felix, we’ve been dating for a few months. I’ve known him for years now but we only recently started dating. It still feels brand new.”

“Between you and me,” she says, leaning in with a whisper, “I like Jenny but I was really hoping for you to be my new sister-in-law back in the day. Johnny’s an absolute ass for losing you. But I’m glad you found someone! Especially someone who looks like they walked out of an elven forest.”

“Who walked out of a forest?” a deep voice questions behind you. Felix smiles down at the two of you, drinks in hand. He sets down a mojito in front of you, the mint and lime perfectly muddled together.

“You, obviously!” says Lily, excitement tugging at her lips as she gestures towards Felix’s appearance up close. “You’ve got a whole Legolas thing going on.”

Felix chuckles as he sits next to you, scooting his chair close enough that his knee touches yours. There’s a shiver that runs down your spine the longer you feel his body heat seep into you at this simple touch. 

The wedding party starts to walk in as the music swells from the DJ’s booth. It’s like a second wedding processional, the bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in, this time a little more loose and casual. 

Felix drapes his arm around you and places his hand at the back of your neck, thumb resting right at your hairline. You look over at him and smile. He’s so good at this, it almost feels natural. The way his hands easily find your body, the way you lean into his touch, it’s like you two instinctively orbit around one another. You fell into this so easily, it’s easy to forget that after the wedding is done, it’ll be over. 

It’ll be over. 

You clench your teeth together hard at the thought, dejection filling your veins. In an effort to drown the bittersweet feeling, you knock back the rest of your mojito, the mint cooling your throat.

Jenny and Johnny make their way in, smiling and waving at everyone as the DJ announces them. Johnny’s eyes scan the room and he falters for a moment when he spots you. At the same time, Felix starts to massage the tense muscles of your neck, fingers gently trailing up into your hair with a light scratch. You lean in to the comforting touch, your eyes glazing over, fully forgetting Johnny’s sharp gaze. The cool sensation of the mojito does nothing to quell the warmth building in your stomach. It’s a bold feeling, a confidence simmering in your body under Felix’s kneading hands. Fuck it, you think. If this is the one night you get to be with Felix, you’re not going to let the opportunity slip through your yearning fingers. If there’s a night to let the delusion take control, tonight is that night. You put your hand on his thigh, squeezing into the muscle of his thigh, mirroring his motion on your neck. Out of the corner of your eye, you see him readjust in his chair, lurching slightly in his chair.

After the couple sits down at their table, the food is served. The vineyard must have a special deal for big events like this, because the food is also fairly boring. The focus is definitely on the wine pairings over the actual dinners served. There’s bland chicken, sauteed summer squash, and some kind of starch. What they lack in interesting food, they make up for in wine selection. A sommelier flits around the room with the medallion shaped tastevin around their neck.

You’re not even paying attention to the meal to be honest, with the way that Felix has shifted his chair so close that his thigh presses up against yours. He seems like he’s attached to your hip, obsessed with the way you brush your fingers up his leg absentmindedly. Even when he’s just chatting with the rest of the table, he finds a way of touching you somewhere, his body needing to be in constant contact with yours as much as possible. Your hand finds its way onto his body just as often, wanting to soak up as much of this feeling to burn into your memory.

A hush falls over the room as the toasts begin. The bride’s mother makes a teary eyed speech about a new chapter in life, the best man makes a thinly veiled sex joke, and the maid of honor gently threatens Johnny’s life if he’s not able to keep Jenny happy. There’s a strange tone the maid of honor has when speaking about Johnny, a sarcastic sneer marring her face that feels a little too genuine to brush off as a joke. Jenny keeps nervously sipping at her champagne, a rosy hue painting her cheeks, eyes downcast. 

Felix’s arm is resting on your shoulders, pulling you into him more and more as the speeches go on, to the point where you have to wrap an arm around his waist to stay balanced. He smells so good, the slight perfume from the glass of wine on his breath and his fresh scented cologne mix together, swirling around you. Every time he chuckles at one of the toasts, it rumbles through you, a feeling more than a sound. Before you know it, you find yourself leaning your head onto his shoulder, tracing your nails over the embroidery of his shirt - your hand having slipped under his suit jacket a while ago. 

As the speeches drone on, Felix leans down towards you, face inches from yours, and murmurs, “Have I told you how good you look this evening?”

You look up at him, focus shifting back and forth between his dark eyes, he’s so close. “You may have mentioned it once or twice.”

“Well, allow me to mention it again,” he chuckles, as if the two of you are sharing a secret. He whispers even lower, “Did you see the look Johnny gave us when they walked in?”

“Barely.”

Felix hums. “Distracted?”

“Yeah, someone was massaging my neck so well, it made me forget where I was,” you say, a coy smile playing at the edge of your lips.

“Well…” Felix responds, his whisper at ASMR levels in your ear, making your skin tingle. “I could see why he’d be jealous.”

“Time for the cake!” Jenny’s voice squeals out, her volume rising as much as the color in her cheeks. She and Johnny stand as one of the event staff workers brings them the cake cutting knife and the photographer hovers around, flashing pictures as they both grasp the knife. 

They slice into the bottom tier of the cake, the green frosting giving way to a dark chocolate cake inside. They each take a piece on a small plate to feed to the other, Jenny laughing as she takes her fork and boops Johnny right on the nose with the frosting. Everyone in the crowd giggles as Johnny stares at her with a gob of green on his face, cheeks reddening.

The giggles turn to a collective gasp as Johnny takes his small plate, picks up his piece of cake, and smears it all over Jenny’s jaw, smashing it into her face. She yelps in shock as Johnny cackles. 

“Hey babe!” he cries, teeth glinting in the flash of the camera. He points to his chin, mocking her. “You got a little something right here!”

Jenny just stares at him, taking in the situation. No one is cheering or laughing other than Johnny, the room is full of uneasy murmuring. Slowly, Jenny begins to laugh, diffusing the tension only slightly, as she begins to wipe the cake off of her face. Her laughter doesn’t meet her eyes, you can see that much from where you’re seated. Felix looks at you with wide eyes, silently asking you what the fuck just happened. You shrug, just as shocked as he is. 

As the maid of honor rushes up to fuss over Jenny and her makeup, the DJ grabs the mic. He laughs nervously before trying to redirect everyone’s attention. “Alright everyone, line up for some cake! No need to use your face, we will provide you all with forks!”

A cautious titter runs through the room as people get up to join the line for cake. Felix smiles at you, biting at his bottom lip with his teeth. “Want to go get a slice?”

“Sure,” you say as he pulls you up from your seat.

“I won’t smash it into your face, I promise.”

As the two of you wait in the line for cake, Felix gets giddier, smiling wide and bouncing on his toes a little. You watch as different people in the crowd grab their plates, take a taste, and have a strange reaction. Some gasp in delight, mutters of wow echo around you, while others take their bite and their faces twist, bewildered at what they’re tasting. You have absolutely no idea what to expect when you get your plate as a staff member hands you and Felix a slice. The green icing and dark, moist cake look gorgeous, at the very least. You start to lift your fork to your mouth.

“Wait! Don’t take a bite til we’re back at the table,” Felix says suddenly, an impish look on his face. “I want to see your reaction.”

You cock an eyebrow at him, but oblige his weird request. You sit down, just the two of you, and you look at him, silently asking if you can finally take a bite. Felix is watching your every move, smiling with his bottom lip captured between his teeth. He looks like he’s about to unwrap a Christmas present. You lift the fork to your mouth once more, sliding it between your lips.

Mint... and chocolate? Your whole face scrunches up, it’s like toothpaste invading your dessert. One of your least favorite combinations, whoever popularized mint chocolate deserves jail time in your eyes. It dawns on you, looking up at Felix suddenly.

“You made the cake for this wedding?”

He’s giggling now, eyes disappearing into little crescents. “Yes! I told you mint chocolate was a controversial flavor.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!” you exclaim. “Is that why you showed up so early?”

“Yeah, this was the delivery I made in the morning,” he says.

“So you’ve known Johnny and Jenny this whole time?”

Felix wipes his eyes from laughing at your reaction to the strange cake combination. “No, no - only Jenny. Johnny never came to any of the tastings, I didn’t put two and two together until today that we were working the same wedding.”

“So he was up my ass about the floral arrangements while he couldn’t even be bothered with any of the others?” you muse. What was it with Johnny constantly trying to undermine you? He neglected other wedding planning responsibilities while making sure he found the time to critique you. Then he stressed Jenny out by implying you’re incompetent. Is this the only reason he invited you?

“I guess. He really seems like an asshole, Y/n. How long did you guys date?”

“Just over four years. It was during college, we broke it off when we started drifting apart. Y’know, career stuff, different future plans.”

“Was he always this much of a dick?” Felix asks, taking a bite of his own cake. 

“Not really, when it ended, it sorta just fizzled out, but he wasn’t angry or rude when it happened. We agreed that whatever spark had been there previously had fully died. It got weird after we broke up when we tried being friends, so we became the kinds of friends you only see at big group functions.”

“He seems bitter. You don’t deserve any of that, whatever it is.”

“Maybe he is, I don’t know,” you say, pinching your brow. “Remind me in the future to never work at an ex's wedding ever again.”

“If it were up to me,” Felix mutters under his breath, looking away, “you wouldn’t have any future exes.”

“What?”

Just then, the mic turns on in the DJ booth, whining from the feedback for a second, drowning out any other conversation.

“Alright party people! It’s time for our two lovebirds to have their first official dance as a married couple!” The DJ says in a corny radio announcer voice. Jenny and Johnny shuffle to the dance floor, their smiles a little too tense to look natural. The DJ cues up their song, some slow ballad. You can’t even tell what it is because the way Felix laces his fingers with yours, squeezing gently, has your heart rate doubling.

Johnny and Jenny start their dancing, swaying back and forth. They’re not looking at one another, their movements stiff and a little awkward. Johnny steps on Jenny’s train, leaving a gray mark on her dress. She starts whispering angrily at him, their expressions fill with irritation. As the song ends and everyone politely claps, despite the awkward tension between the two. The DJ gets on the mic again.

“The bride and groom have requested that we open up the floor to all the couples in the crowd. If you’re in love out there, grab your partner and come to the floor!”

Felix grins wide at you and grabs your hand, pulling you out of your chair. You balk at him, following as he drags you to the dance floor. You join the other couples as another slow dance cues up. Johnny’s parents are there, arm in arm. His mother catches your eye and gives you a wink. 

Felix pulls you into his arms, clasping your hand in one of his and the other wraps around your waist. He brings your knuckles to his lips, placing a feather-light kiss on them. Your heart skips a whole beat, pounding extra hard as it catches up - you didn’t know it could do that. That’s something that only happens in romance novels.

He spins you around slowly, eyes locked on yours, his gaze soft and eyes sparkling. You’ve literally never seen a more beautiful person in your life, your breath catches in your throat just looking at him. The room fades away, you barely even notice the other couples that dance around you, the only person that matters is the one radiating sunshine in front of you. Warmth seeps into you where your bodies are pressed up against one another and you imagine the rhythm of your heartbeats match in this moment. 

You don’t even notice when the song changes and other people join in on the dance floor, filling all the extra space on the floor. Lily comes up and bumps you with her hip, smiling at the way you jolt in surprise. 

“You two look really good together!” she shouts over the upbeat music that blares through the speakers now.

She turns to Felix, who is still holding onto you, affection etched in every crevice of his face.

“We have a very fond place in our hearts for Y/n. You better take care of her, Legolas,” she says, playfully threatening him with a poke to the shoulder.

Felix laughs, pulling you closer, taking your hand and placing it over his heart. “I plan on it, you have my word.”

Satisfied with his response, she saunters away to dance. Felix takes your hand and spins you around, breaking the thick tension between the two of you. It’s so easy to get swept away by him, you almost let yourself believe he genuinely returns your feelings. He presses your back against his front as a sultry song comes on, swaying against you. He nuzzles into your neck, sending a shock of arousal through your body.

“I like putting you on display like this,” his voice nearly growls in your ear. 

Throwing caution to the wind, you decide to lean into the flirting, emboldened by the growl in his throat. Consequences be damned when he’s breathing into the sensitive skin of your throat.

“I like when you put me on display,” you respond.

He leans away from you, throwing his head back as he groans. You smile as you innocently grind your ass into his hips. His hands shoot out, grasping at your hips, fingers digging into the flesh. “You’re gonna get us both in trouble if you keep doing that.”

You laugh as you grasp his hand, spinning away from him like a ballroom dancer, yanking him towards you. He stumbles into you, laughing as he nearly tips over. Your arms wrap around him in a big hug as you both end up a giggling mess as you sway on the dance floor. 

Eventually, you find your forehead pressed against Felix’s, calming down but still beaming at him. 

“Hey…  I want to say thank you,” you murmur. Your voice is low, but he’s so close so you know he hears you.

“I’m a really good dancer, I know,” he replies, chuckling. “No need to thank me.”

You smack him lightly on the shoulder with a huff of laughter. “No, I’m serious. Thank you for being my date tonight.”

“Of course,” his voice dips low again. 

“You don’t have to keep up the act though, I think we’re believable enough,” you mutter, looking down at your feet.

Felix reels back at that, pulling his head away from yours to look at you. There’s a confused frown on his face. “Who’s acting?”

You avoid his eyes. “I just don’t want you to feel pressured to keep up a fake identity. You’ve definitely impressed everyone with the boyfriend treatment.”

“I’m not feeling pressured to do anything, Y/n. I’m acting this way because I enjoy doing it.” he mutters back intensely.

You roll your eyes. “Be for real, Felix. I know you don’t feel that way about me.”

“Who said I don’t feel that way about you?”

“Don’t lie to me!”

“Who’s lying?!”

“Shhh!” you whisper. Your voices weren’t raising too much to be heard over the music, but you still wanted to be cautious. “I don’t need you getting my hopes up like that.”

“Y/n, I swear…” Felix says, clenching his jaw, looking away from you while he composes himself. His hands find your waist, gripping into the fabric of your dress, looking you deep in the eye. “You want to talk about getting hopes up? You want to talk about long nights chatting and trying my baked goods even when I had work at 4 AM? Or brushing up against me and holding my hands while I help you with floral stuff? Being there for me when I need you, knowing you will drop everything at a moment’s notice to help me? Today is the first time I’ve ever felt like you might actually feel something for me after years of being obsessed with you.”

“What?” You halt in your tracks on the dance floor, shock freezing you in place. He leans back into you, pressing his forehead against yours with a sigh.

“I have loved you for ages now,” Felix murmurs, his eyes fluttering shut. “I’ve just been waiting for you to notice.”

You are silent, a thousand different emotions quaking through you as you listen to Felix confessing. Anger that he didn’t do it sooner. Fear that he might be lying. Shame that it took you this long to figure it out. But overwhelmingly you feel elation, your heart soars into your throat. Words escape you, knowing that there’s only one real way you can respond.

You grab him by the lapels and pull him into you, connecting your lips in one quick motion. His lips are plump and malleable, molding over yours as he gets lost in the feeling. He gasps, stealing the breath from your mouth, when he realizes what you’re doing. Pulling back slightly, he checks to see if you really want this, if your desire matches his. All he sees is your fierce gaze, dripping with lust as you lick your bottom lip, waiting for his response. This will change everything, but you’re ready to trust Felix as you fall. 

His hands cup your cheeks as he swoops back down, capturing your lips again. Plush and warm, your lips gliding against one another, pulling his bottom lip into your mouth and nibbling lightly. You don’t care that you’re in view of everyone else at this reception, right in the middle of the dance floor. All you care about is the way Felix licks your bottom lip, asking to deepen the kiss. You surge into him, tongues entwining, falling into him further as you both battle for dominance in this heated moment. Arousal sears through you as you press your pelvis into his as your hands clutch the material of his jacket. You lose track of time and space, all that matters is Felix and his constellation of freckles.

You hear someone cheer, some applause, even a wolf whistle. You detach from Felix long enough to realize that the attention is on the two of you. Your cheeks burn with embarrassment as you pull away slightly from Felix, sheepishly smiling at those around you. You notice Bobby and Peter off to the side, beers in hand, as the source of the wolf whistles. You’ve never been so happy to be so embarrassed.

The reception continues, the two of you continue to dance and steal kisses throughout the evening. There’s a kind of magic between the two of you on the floor, one that other people notice. After all the stress of the planning, prep, and setup, you feel all that melt away as Felix encircles you once more, singing along to some of the songs in his deep voice.

The night continues, most people are a few drinks in at this point. The dance floor is getting louder and messier. Shoes have been kicked off, faces are red from exertion, voices are slurred. You have been so wrapped up in Felix to do anything other than flitting around the dance floor, depending on the song that’s playing. You catch up with your friends and some of Johnny’s family members that you’re fond of, introducing Felix to them. They offer him warm welcomes and knowing smiles.

 Jenny and Johnny are nowhere to be seen on the floor, staying behind their table for most of the evening. Jenny ventured onto the dance floor a few times for her bridesmaids, but for the most part, there’s a bit of a dark rain cloud over the newlyweds. Jenny leaves her new husband at the table and goes to whisper in the DJ’s ear.

The feedback from the mic squeals again as the DJ starts a new announcement. “Who’s ready for the bouquet toss?!”

You feel bodies move past yours, gathering into one area as Jenny stands at the front, ready to chuck the bouquet behind her head. One of your least favorite parts of any wedding, knowing how hard you worked on the bouquet. You and Felix stand off to the side to give the grabbing hands more room. Felix can’t be bothered to look at anything or anyone else in this room, staring at you with hearts in his eyes as he holds you at the waist.

“Just a heads up, I’m really bad at throwing!” Jenny says, with a grin as she turns around. She goes to fling it over her head towards the crowd, but it doesn’t go in a standard arc up and over. Somehow, physics worked differently with this bouquet. She tosses it over her head, it shoots out to the side, hitting Felix in the face.

He scrambles to pick up the bundle of flowers as it topples to the ground, spluttering through some of the pampas grass that got stuck to his mouth. The laughter that comes out of you is a deep belly laugh, you double over. Felix waits above you as you take a few moments to stop cackling in his face before he hands you the bouquet with a peck to your cheek. Even though there are a few disappointed faces in the crowd, you get another round of applause as you hold up the bouquet.

The mic squeals again, the constant interrupter of the evening, as Johnny grabs it suddenly out of the DJ’s hand. His eyes are bright and his cheeks are a ruddy shade of red, he’s definitely had too much to drink tonight. 

“Yeah! Everyone give it up for Y/n!” he slurs into the mic. “Our florist and my ex!”

There are a few scattered claps of confusion from the crowd, unsure of what’s happening. 

“We’re celebrating love tonight, me ‘n Jennyyyy,” he draws out the last syllable of his wife’s name, trying to sound cutesy. “Y/n, we’re so happy you finally found someone. We were starting…. to get worried!” 

He takes a few gulps of air to calm his hiccups, you start to feel the color rise in your cheeks.

“Cuz…y’know. That clock…. Tick-tock, tick-tock!” He waggles his finger back and forth like a swinging clock pendulum. “And you chose the baker! Give it up for the baker everyone! He made the cake tonight…”

You and Felix just stare in shock at Johnny’s impromptu drunken rant. Your heart drops into your stomach. Why is he doing this to you? 

“Y/n, why’s he so pretty? Too pretty for a guy, amiright? When… you first showed up with him… I thought! You had gone lesbian!” He guffaws into the mic. Peter, Bobby, and some of the other groomsmen start to make their way towards him from the back of the crowd, trying to get to their friend before he makes a bigger ass out of himself. Johnny takes another sip of his drink, “FUCK YOU GUYS, that’s funny! Hope you guys are happy, because I’m REALLY FUCKING HAP-”

Jenny yanks the mic out of Johnny’s hand, arguing with him in a low voice. Peter and Bobby come up to him, trying to grab him by the shoulders to take him out to the vineyard for some air. He tries to wrestle out of their grasp, shouting “HAPPIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!” as they force him out of the reception.

At the same time as Johnny’s outburst, you’ve already turned on your heel, marching out of the reception through the main hall. You have no idea where you’re headed at this point, you just need to get away from all the chaos. Even though he was drunk, that gives him no right to insult you like that! Who the hell does Johnny think he is? Your face burns as the anger and embarrassment crash through you.

“Y/n, wait!” Felix catches up to you, grabbing your hand to get you to slow down. 

You’re panting, trying to get as far away from the reception as possible, but you stop at Felix’s gentle grasp. As you turn, he pulls you into a tight hug.

“I could go beat his ass for you if you want. I have like… a lot of medals in taekwondo,” he says. Your heart rate starts to slow at the deep pressure he wraps around you. Somehow, you manage a small chuckle as all of the anger pumping through starts to dissipate. 

“No, don’t do that,” you murmur into his shirt. Your eyes prick with tears, but you’re too mad to cry at the moment. “Just get me out of here.”

“Will do!” he says, pulling you in the direction of the main lobby. As you get to the door, he stops short. “Wait! I have to go grab you something! It’s important!”

Felix jogs away towards the kitchens, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You take a couple deep breaths, the summer evening air gentle and breezy still. It makes you so angry that Johnny needed to make himself feel big by trying to cut you down. 

-Putting you on the spot like that and attempting to insult you was the perfect cherry on top of this shitty event for you. You had worked so hard to make their floral arrangement look good, roll with the punches when there were huge changes at the last minute, and take it on the chin when he tried to insult you again and again. Attempting to insult you by bringing up your fertility, sexual orientation, or commenting on anyone’s gender was laughable to you, that wasn’t the issue though. Your issue is that Johnny continued to be the worst version of himself in an attempt to be spiteful towards you. He ruined multiple people’s night, including his new bride, by shining his horrible spotlight on you.

Felix jogs back with a small paper box and fork balanced in hand. He grabs for your hand with his free one as he continues down the hallway. He peeks his head into one room, the groom’s dressing room, finding it empty. Pulling you inside, he whirls around and shuts the door. On the nearby vanity, he sets the box down, opening it gently.

“I made you something,” he says, handing you the box. You peer inside and it’s a slice of speckled cake with a light yellow frosting. “I knew you weren’t going to like the mint chocolate one, so I made sure to grab a slice of the earl grey with lemon before I left this morning. I remembered it was your favorite from that batch I made last week.”

Your eyes water at the gesture. Felix always  remembers all the small details. He cares for you in a way you don’t even think about until it’s been sitting in front of your face for ages, plain as day. Of course Felix returns your feelings, he’s been so obvious about it now that you know! He would ruin his sleep schedule to stay with you, coax you to bed when you were too stubborn to do it yourself, bring you your favorite treats on your worst days without you asking - almost like he knew intrinsically what you needed. All the signs have been there for years that he wants to be more than your friend, your insecurities were just clouding the view. 

“Felix…” you murmur. Setting down the cake, you bring your hand up to his cheek, caressing your thumb over his cheekbone before placing a chaste kiss onto his lips. You pour all of your unspoken feelings into this kiss. Pulling back, you say, “I’ve loved you for so long, I got too comfortable in the unrequited feeling. I always talked myself out it.”

“I know you’ve had some…baggage with dating in the past,” Felix says, gesturing to the outside, as if pointing to Johnny. “So I’ve been waiting for you to catch on at your own pace.”

You smile at him, like dawn breaking on your face. “I’ve caught on.”

He leans down to kiss you again, hands cupping your face gently like delicate porcelain. The crisp, clean scent of his cologne wafts over you, and your hands clench in the fabric of his shirt as you tilt your head to deepen the kiss.

“Wait, wait,” he murmurs against your lips. “I want you to try the cake first.”

You huff out a laugh. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously,” he says, biting his bottom lip with a smile.

With a feigned sigh, you pick up the box and fork, stabbing into the fluffy cake. You take one frosting heavy bite. It’s just like you remembered - the herbal flavor complementing the tender white cake with the tang of the lemon curd and frosting burst in your mouth. It’s a beautiful combination of sour and sweet. Felix watches your eyes flutter shut at the taste.

“Fuck, Felix, that’s delicious,” you say.

“Y/n, you’ve got a little-” Felix starts, tilting his head towards you.

“Oh my god!” you lick your lips, trying to get the extra frosting that escaped. Felix’s eyes are glued to your mouth, watching your tongue slide over your bottom lip. You thumb over the area, trying to wipe any excess off. 

“Did I get it?”

“No, not like that,” Felix says as his eyes darken. 

He grasps your chin in one hand, lifting ever so slightly, as his other hand drags a finger through the frosting of the cake, picking up a dollop, and smearing it on the side of your lip. 

The touch is electric, eyes locked onto his as he brings that finger to his mouth again. He licks the rest of frosting off of it, gaze never leaving yours for a second, watching your eyes dilate with want. “Let me help.”

He drags your face towards him, his tongue lapping at the frosting he’s smeared on your lip, pulling your mouth to his. This kiss is different, all the chaste feelings are gone. All that’s left is pure lust, a deep desire to claim the thing you’ve both wanted for so long.

taglist:

@binniesbabe @jeonginsleftcheek @ivydoesit23 @stayatinykatsy @mong---mong

@palindrome969 @dottydarling @chiaki-nanami-aesthetic @minnieprincess85 @jabmastersupriseee

@birdfool @jaquisos

[mikeyfu56]

Blog post #3

Fuchs Michael 

Com-105-Media & Society 

Spring 2023

03/26/2023

Blog post #3 Mock interview

This interview is conducted with Enis Del Mar. This is the first interview since we have seen him in his critically acclaimed film Broke Back Mountain. 

Question #1: How has your life changed since we first saw you in 2005? 

Response #1: My life has not changed too drastically from the last time I was seen in 2005. I am older now and have raised my children and have stayed close to them after all these years. I have struggled with regret and sorrow for a long time but time heals all and I have just moved on. This is not the ideal life for me and I wish that I met Jack in a different time and sometimes I just wish I never met him at all. The reason is not because I didn’t love him but because I could not live life with the fear of living with a man. 

Question #2: If you could go back and change anything would you and what would you change? 

Response #2: I would change a couple of things. After our summer on Brokeback I would have made sure to not just leave Jack high and dry and only choose to see him when it was convenient to me. I also think about how he died and him being alone. I feel bad when I think about it. I just know I should have been there for him while he was on the side of the road. If I would have been with him I would not have left him to die I would have been able to get him help. I do blame myself for that as we wanted to be together but I was never able to overcome social norms of the time and I forced him away. If I could change anything it would be I would have been with him and saved him. If I couldn't do that I would have at least spread his ashes on Brokeback right away as he had wished. I was so torn between living my life with him and also living my life as a good father. 

Question #3: How do you think your relationship with Jack affected your relationship with your ex-wife and kids? 

Response #3: I think my relationship with my ex-wife and kids was tarnished in more ways than are seen on the surface. Obviously living away from my kids was very tough because I did care about them and not being able to be there for them every night was hard. I also think that me and my ex-wife's relationship was strained as she was supposed to be to me what Jack was. I chose her over Jack because that was the right thing to do at the time but I never felt a loving connection with my wife the same way I did with Jack. She could not be the person who I wanted to be with because that was Jack. I looked at my wife as a thing I needed to have not as a thing I wanted because she was in no way someone I could who heartily love like I did Jack. I also had a strained relationship with my kids because I would find myself blaming them for the reason Jack and I were not together and as I spoke about earlier Jack's death was because we

were not together. The anger I had toward everyone around me was because I could not have what I wanted and I am sorry to all those I affected including my kids and my ex-wife. The anger I took out on them was unwarranted and not fair. If I was true to myself I would have been happier and would have appreciated all of them more. 

Question #4: How did the times of living in the 60s and 70s play a role in your decision making process and how you chose to live your life? 

Response #4: That was the most important part of me living the lies that I did. I had heard stories growing up of two guys that were in love and lived together in Montana and had been killed for being the way they were. I was so fearful of being killed and getting Jack hurt that I thought the best thing for us was not being together. It killed us both inside but my fear was great because of hearing those stories and knowing how people would treat us I decided the best thing to do was distance myself from him. It was unfair but it was just the time. I had no choice but to stay away and keep our secret a secret. I think if we moved away from rural America and went to a big city we would have been okay but I could not leave my children. 

Question #5: What would be different about you and Jack's relationship if it had happened today? 

Response #5: I think everything would have been different. I think we would have been able to be happy together anywhere in the country and we could have had our own farm and lived alone with each other without fear of being killed and treated completely differently. Obviously I think there are still some people that would have looked at us differently and treated us poorly but nothing like we would have faced back in the 60s and 70s.Organizations also help protect people like me like the aclu and they would help ensure my rights as an individual would not be violated like they could have been. It is really sad to think about that because it is only a 50 year difference and it would have made a completely different outcome for both of our lives. I also think it would have been better for my kids and my ex-wife as due to today's social climate they would not have looked at me as a bad person and with something wrong with me but instead they would have looked at me as a person following what makes them happy. I do not think that 50 years from now I would look back on my life with such regret and instead would look at my life with joy. 

Works Cited: 

Brokeback Mountain . (n.d.). Retrieved March 26, 2023. 

Home. American Civil Liberties Union. (2023, March 17). Retrieved March 26, 2023, from https://www.aclu.org/ 

BBC. (n.d.). Lance Armstrong & Oprah winfrey: Interview transcript. BBC Sport. Retrieved March 26, 2023, from https://www.bbc.com/sport/cycling/21065539 

[enbyjane]

I was talking to @wardrobemoments and I remembered I never finished this post.

We were talking about Jane, therapy, and opening up.

(^talking about Jane in therapy)

He does it here. I want to point out several things though. Shortly:

The timeline

His facial expressions and how they change thorough the conversation, his posture as well.

The emotion that he expresses - shame.

Longer under the cut

This is really just me appreciating Simon's acting.

Even if this is happening in season 1, they have already known each other for 5 years. This wouldn't have happened in the first year, I think.

Postures go from "attacking" (he almost has an attacking posture, ready to say something to just deflect from the conversation, almost ready to speak) to "considering" (what do I tell her? do I lie, do I tell the truth? he looks to the left as he considers his position) to "defensive" (she was my doctor - not a lie, technically). He knows he will probably end up telling her the truth and he stays right in it, chin up, shoulders down, face neutral, with almost a smile (his mask on). No matter what Lisbon says, she cannot defeat him. And she cannot judge him. Despite this, he cannot look her in the eye when he says that she was his psychiatrist, even if he recovers quickly from it and stands with it. He is almost weary and disbelieving when he realizes that he has to spell out his entire history to Lisbon (sort of like a "really?" look). As he speaks, even as he says that she was a good psychiatrist and he was in a locked room, he displays no emotions (mask on, again). He doesn't look at her at all when he says about removing that time from his records, nor that it's not easy. He looks back up again when he starts talking about his shame, and you can glimpse some of the intensity of those emotions, and then at the end it's mask on again.

I want to talk about shame both because it's fascinating in general, as an emotion, but what it means for Jane specifically; i also want to talk about how often Patrick Jane talks about his feelings in general. (which is to say, almost never.) I just participated in a group seminar/game about emotions yesterday night, so it feels almost fitting for me to talk about it. Shame is a social emotion. Meaning, we learn it in context with other people and also from other people. It also shapes the way we interact with the world. (ex: we may be ashamed when failing a test because we have been taught that to fail is to be in some way inferior to other people). What is Patrick Jane ashamed of? Being institutionalized - as a result from the breakdown that came with the loss of his wife and daughter. Why is he ashamed of it? Here it could be several reasons: being perceived as weak, loss of control over himself (+ being perceived as so), loss of control over his mind (which he is very proud of), the general stigma that comes with being institutionalized and considered a crazy person. Even a specialized therapist wouldn't assign these things at random, but this is a show not a real person, so I would dare say that it all comes from Alex Jane (many traumas stem from childhood in general, anyways, although obviously not all), who was abusive emotionally (at the very least), and whom we know he was vicious at the mere show of compassion for a sick girl. I doubt he would take well to an emotional display of a breakdown, even from loss. (or to be shown that Jane is not in control, as well). It's fascinating to see Jane admit so openly that he's ashamed - even as he knows rationally that he has nothing to be ashamed of. As I've mentioned before, he rarely talks about his feelings, especially in such an explicit manner. If he allows himself to feel his feelings, it is always done in private, in bathrooms, in closed interview rooms, up in his attic. Even his breakdown in Season 4 is a planned one, with the intent of drawing Red John out, and it's not so much an emotional one (at best, I would describe it as physical).

I would say that after he says he is ashamed of it, he is slightly curious as to Lisbon's reaction, but after that, the emotions go back to the depths of his soul to not be resurfaced for the next 7 years.

As for Lisbon, unfortunately she doesn't have all tools to support him. I like her reaction, her acknowledgment to what a big deal it is that Jane opened up to her, but I think she would likely react the same if she were in his shoes. She doesn't let herself admit to weaknesses or breakdowns either, and I suspect she would similarly feel ashamed. So there is not much that either of them can do to help each other in this, except recognition through the other.

Still, fascinating to observe.

Tumblr!!! let me add more than 30 goddamn pictures!!! I need to analyze Patrick Jane (and Teresa Lisbon)'s every microexpression and I cannot do it if you put these strict limits.

Anyways I'll continue in a reblog and I'll write some analysis there as well ✌

Ah lest I forget

The Mentalist: season 1, episode 10 - Red Brick and Ivy

[lunarticxenia]

Moon Signs Pt. 2

Hi guys here’s part 2 of the moon sign series! After I post this, I’m going to be focusing more on answering your questions, I have a lot to answer. Thanks so much for all the support! Without further ado, here’s Libra through Pisces moons! 

🌵Libra Moon: You guys LOVE attention, and you don’t even try to hide it LMAO. One of my good friends is a Libra moon and he literally loves to say outlandish things just to get a reaction from us and to get attention from us if we’re not talking to him enough in a conversation. Libra moons also love relationships and if underdeveloped they may feel incomplete without one. They can also be very dependent on their partner for happiness as well. However, they are romantic and in love with love. They’re also extremely sensitive and are very feminine. Even in men, it gives them a more feminine touch to their personality. They also hold their morals in very high regard. They have their set morals and won’t change them for anything or anyone. They also tend to hate conflict and usually shy away from confrontation. They’re also too nice, WAYYYYYY too nice. You guys need to be more assertive LMAO. They’re also extremely optimistic and if they don’t believe in that particular way they at least try to be optimistic with others. They’re always reminding you the glass is half full. Also, Libra moons are mad clingy. Even with those they’re not dating LMAO. My Libra moon friend whenever I try to leave the FaceTime Call, he’s like “Don’t go... :(”. They just love to be around the ones they love. They’re also in love with beauty, and all things beautiful in the world. They’re lovers of music, art, film, and literature. Libra moons also have a softness in their eyes, I can’t describe it. This girl I used to like has a Libra moon and her eyes were just so soft. They’re also extremely indecisive, they tend to flip flop between who they wanna be and what they wanna do. They also aren’t shy when it comes to compliments, they will compliment TF out of you. They’re the best hype man. They also put others before themselves a lot, and can be very shy upon first meeting them. However once they feel comfortable around you they open up. One last thing, I feel like they tend to like anyone who’s nice to them...don’t attack me. LMAO.  

🌵Scorpio Moon: I feel like Scorpio moons have about ten different playlists relating to their emotions and still won’t open up to anyone about how they feel. Scorpio moons I feel have such intense emotions that they just don’t deal with them and they tend to implode after a while. I relate to them a lot in that respect tbh with my Sun square Moon, because that’s how I am. You guys are also super passionate and super creative. Every Scorpio moon I’ve met has been really creative in some way whether it be makeup, fashion style, or artwork. I’ve also noticed that this is a very alluring placement, there’s this intriguing way about them, and like Aries Moons, they have a fire in their eyes. Their gaze is INTENSE. They’re also very selective with who they let close to them, they don’t let just anybody in. They’re also very good at reading other people and seeing people’s true intentions. They have an extremely good intuition. If underdeveloped this can be used to manipulate other people, as well as being compulsive liars. Scorpio moons are also very protective over the ones they love. If you mess with anyone they care about, they will kill you. End of story. Also I feel like every Scorpio moon I’ve met has been through the wringer, like they’ve really had some hard experiences, it’s so sad to me. Scorpio moons are also extremely stubborn, remember this is a fixed sign. Scorpio moons ain’t playing, once they’ve settled on something, they’re not budging. Also, can we just say, masters at investigating people. These are the friends you want stalking your ex’s social media. They will find out everything. They’re also really good psychologists as well, almost all the Scorpio moons I’ve met are actually Psychology majors LMAO. They’re very good at finding the root causes of people’s issues. I also feel like Scorpio moons undergo a lot of transformations in their lives. I’ve known a Scorpio moon for about 10 years now and he’s undergone so many different transformations in his life. Mentally and physically. They’re also extremely sarcastic and have a tendency to be pessimistic. They’re also mad scary when angry. I’ve seen them angry before, as an Aries moon, even I get a little scared.... love y’all tho. 

🌵Sagittarius Moon: The funniest people ever. Sagittarius moons always have me laughing my ass off. Their sense of humor is very diverse. They tend to stick with sarcasm and like to say outlandish things to make people laugh. Also, I feel like Sagittarius moons tend to go for science/math oriented careers or at least have an interest in those subjects. I know four Sag moons, and they’re all in STEM it’s actually crazy. They’re also extremely blunt and honest, especially when it comes to people they don’t like LMAO. They make it very clear when they don’t like someone, it’s so funny. They’re also just so much fun, like they’re genuinely so much fun to hang out with. I feel like I’ve never not had a good time hanging out with a Sagittarius moon. I feel like Sag moons however tend to struggle with asserting themselves a lot of times, until they get really fed up.  They’re very much go with the flow kinda people, and this can be to their detriment especially with the ones they love, they don’t wanna rock the boat. However, they also make really good mediators and are good at settling arguments. They also really like to travel, and likely have traveled a lot. All the Sagittarius moons I know have traveled to at least 4+ countries. They love traveling the world, and I’ve also noticed move or want to move far away from their childhood home. They wanna explore everything the world has to offer. My cousin who’s a Sag moon left her parents’ house to move a few states away and my other friend who’s a Sag moon wants to move to the other side of the country. These individuals also tend to like foreign culture as well. I’ve noticed Sagittarius moons tend to like foreign music or foreign tv shows. I feel like they also tend to ignore their emotions when they get sad and just don’t like to deal with their emotions. They also don’t like to talk about how they feel and will brush sad things off because it’s just too upsetting for them. However, once the emotions boil over, just like their anger, they will blow up LMAO. I’ve also noticed that they’re really good at teaching people things? Like my Sag moon friend explained this Chemistry equation to me I couldn’t understand and I got it after 10 minutes. Natural teachers. 

🌵 Capricorn Moon: Guys, it’s okay to open up. You don’t have to pretend to be so strong all the time, you’re not weak for showing your emotions. Anyway, Cap moons have high expectations for people, and will not tolerate any bs from people. I seriously commend them for that. I feel like Cap moons struggle with how their points are being expressed, they can say one thing, but it’s seen as something else. While Capricorn moons may struggle with expressing their emotions, I haven’t found them to be closed off or cold when meeting them. Every Capricorn moon I’ve met has warmed up to me very quickly and have been super nice. I feel like they’re very friendly and once they have a conversation with you they’re really warm and kind. Also, they’re not afraid of anything?? Except for showing their feelings maybe. But like, they’re so open to trying new things like scary rollercoasters and aren’t afraid to fight for themselves if they have to. Also, super fucking ambitious. I wish I could be ambitious. These people will really have like three jobs, be in school, and tend to household responsibilities. I don’t know how you guys do it. Now everyone says Capricorn moons are just analytical and systematic when confronted with conflict, and I personally haven’t found that to be true. If they feel wronged?? Nah. They’re not going to be systematic or logical or anything. They will go off. As for personal challenges, yes they’ll be more analytical. But I feel like everyone boils down Cap moons to emotionless and machine-like nerds, which I find to be very untrue. Capricorn moons are very soft once they’re vulnerable with you, and genuinely feel like they’re bothering people when they show their emotions and feel weak for showing them. Also I’ve noticed that their mom is a big motivator for their success. Their moms always push them to do their best in work and school. If poorly aspected, they could feel too pressured by their moms to do well. Also, they’re so underrated for being funny. They have a really dry sense of humor and it’s well developed. I also feel like they get overlooked for putting others before themselves, when it comes to the people they love they’ll do anything for them. Brb gonna go give my Cap moon friends a hug. 

🌵Aquarius Moon: You guys are just so unique. There’s something unique about each and every Aquarius moon, whether it’s a quirk or a hobby. These people are literally the best to talk to. It’s so easy to have a conversation with them, they really can talk about anything. I’ve also noticed that Aquarius moons tend to be interested in astrology and tarot and things of that kind. Every Aquarius moon I’ve met has been really interested in it, and even involved in it. I feel like they also have big dreams, and have big plans for themselves. Aquarius moons also love to get lost in their music and tend to use it as an escape. This can be a problem because they tend to avoid dealing with their feelings. They also go between reacting to things really heavily vs not reacting at all. It just seems like it goes back and forth. They speak up with things are unjust however only to their friends or online. They just don’t like to deal with face to face conflict in that regard. They also give really great advice. My best friend is an Aquarius moon and she always gives me the best advice. She knows me better than I know myself tbh. I feel like Aquarius moons relish in being unique LMAO. I’m 99% sure they had an “I’m not like other girls” phase. I feel like this placement always tends to space out and daydream a lot. They also aren’t the types to just lash out at people, their anger is more subtle (unless they have other placements of course). I feel like Aquarius moons also have a lot of friends but they tend to have a small group of friends that they tend to be super super close with. They’re also...really charming? I don’t know what it is, but like every single one I’ve met has been really charming and likable. They also have a really goofy sense of humor and love to do wild shit to make people laugh. I feel like some downsides of Aquarius moons are that they tend to be too analytical and rationalize things too much, and they inadvertently invalidate other people’s feelings. Aquarius moons are also super open minded to all opinions. I have a friend who I tend to disagree with on certain issues but they’ve always been open to hearing my opinion. They also love to travel too. I’ve noticed that as well. 

🌵Pisces Moon: To think, I was almost one of you guys. No seriously I almost was, if I were born four hours earlier I would’ve been a Pisces moon LMAO. Anyhoo, Pisces moons are just so sweet. I don’t know how else to start, they literally are the sweetest people and give off this mystical type of aura. They’re very otherworldly. Also, these people daydream 24/7. They put Aquarius moons to shame in daydreaming. This girl I like is a Pisces moon and I always catch her daydreaming LMAO. They’re also extremely sensitive too and feel things so deeply. They try to hide how they feel from people, but you can see it in their eyes. I can always tell when my Pisces moon friend is upset just by the look in her eyes. They also tend to be introverted and it takes a while for them to warm up to someone. My co-worker is a Pisces moon and it took 2 weeks for her to finally start talking to me LMAO. They also have really vivid and wild dreams too. I feel like my Pisces moon friend is always telling me about some wild dream they had like that they were in a castle or in an ocean. They also can be really moody, they can be fine one second and then get really sad out of nowhere. Their emotions are like the ocean. I feel like another downside of Pisces Moons are that they can be very manipulative however this is really with any underdeveloped water moon/sun placement. I also feel like they tend to be escapists a lot. They don’t like to deal with reality a lot, and they see the best in everything and everyone even if it’s to their demise. They’re also super friendly and are nice to everyone they meet, even if they’re reserved they’re still very sweet. They’re also extremely creative too, I feel like every Pisces moon I’ve ever met has some sort of creative hobby. My co-worker who’s a Pisces moon is working on becoming a photographer and her stuff is AMAZING. I think that’s because they see the best in the world and the beauty in everything; and they know how to show that in their work so others can see the world like they do. They’re also super empathetic and are really good listeners. You can talk to them about anything and feel understood. :) 

So this wraps up my moon sign series! I hope you guys liked it! Again, don’t take offense these are just my opinions on each moon sign! Hope you guys enjoyed, and if you don’t see your moon sign here it’s likely in part one. 

[mentalhealthdocumented]

In university I started in psychology, I decided that I wasn’t smart enough to get a PhD (to become a psychologist) and so I gave up, I transferred schools into a sociology program. They are all dirty communists in sociology, I didn’t really like it.

2:18 PM · Dec 3, 2024

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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21m

I thought about dropping out of school, I was working full time and decided to basically like enroll and then drop courses for two years. Two years wasted, I switched into international development studies which is like political science but more hands on (so like non profits)

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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21m

But I didn’t really like that either, and I figured my university meant nothing to find jobs and so I was preparing to graduate. I started a diploma program for Ece, I dropped that, then I was looking at dental hygiene, just a lot of program reaching out them etc

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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21m

I started talking to a guy in Italy (I drew his penis actually) And he told me about his ex who was a psychologist but she only had a masters. I didn’t realize that was possible and so I like literally googled if it’s possible in Canada and in certain provinces it is

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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21m

In Canada I wanted to move to Alberta because it’s more affordable and people are usually a little nicer, in Alberta you only need a masters to be a psychologist. And I looked at America too, in America a masters can get you in lpc (licensed professional counselor) jobs

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

A lot of therapists are kinda shit right because the masters might not even be psych sometimes it could be caca crap but usually the masters in psychology wants are pretty good.

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

And yah so last minute I straight up cancelled my graduation, enrolled in courses, and got my funding and like just started up again in school. I’m using like all my cash that I have left on school and so I’ll need to work again part time but it’s fine

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

And then I kinda started building my like goals, my end goal is masters in psychology, if that never happens I want a masters in social work. And I’m finishing a diploma and degree at the same time to start working in a relevant job right after university.

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

Masters take time and I might not even get in right away because in Canada the public schools are like super competitive (those are also the schools which offer accreditation for Alberta) like every province is different like every state right

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

But yah like I was so sad, I’m still nuts but like does get better it just takes forever and it happens in weird and unexpected ways. It’s about growth mindset, like being creative and seeing opportunities in places you wouldn’t expect

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grandpa

@venuspearlll

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20m

Yes