#my entire life. i wish i was joking
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#its been straight up like 10 years of this so u would rhink im used to it rn#/ not a big deal anymore#and its not a huge deal?#but i still find myself getting so fucking butthurt when my friends dont post me on social media#all of my friends post SO MANY pictures of their other friends or them w their other friends#yet they never take any of/with me#genuinely it still makes me feel like people are embarrassed to be associated with me#my best friend posting a 10 slide ig post with my replacement in all the pics#i get nothing :)#like idk social media sucks anyways so it shouldnt feel that deep but i think this is part of why it sucks#i dont like having to gauge how much people like me based on how much they show me off compared to others#like in one way its nice to just be w my friends and not have them be on their phones all the time#but like. u dont even want one pic?#also the way my ex of 4 years NEVER posted me on his socials but as soon as we broke up and he got a new gf he was posting ALL about her#idkkkk#how does anyone have friends who want to take pics of them#cuz i have plenty of friends who take plenty of pics of their other friends. just not me#:)#shit SUCKS always being the friend asked to take pics of everyone else but not being included in them#my entire life. i wish i was joking#idk maybe sometimes i want people to show me off and gas me up and post pictures of us#is that so much to ask#the only people who have taken pics with/of me are the ones i met when i studied abroad#so thats cute. total strangers i’d never met before were much more inclined to post me than friends i’ve had for a decade#*eye twitches*
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the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow
#there is literally no way something could have come of it he lives in that pub and i don't want to go back there#he has addiction problems and I never had a relationship with anyone#it still sucks that these are facts cause i liked him a lot. and also im not kidding when i say he is the hottest dude I've ever seen.#this is maybe the first time i wish i was heterosexual and/or have less impulse control#radio live transmission#sorry over sharing again cause the psychologist still has to tell me when the first appointment will be#(they kinda also told me i dont really need one which is funny bc the first time i try not to do things alone in my life#bc im pretty sure this hyper self reliant and aloof behavior might be a problem and im told actually im doing splendid.#i won at therapy ig)#also i told everyone there that i moved back home because im a lying liar and#thank god he still hasn't done the math that he saw me on tv still in turin#ive had Cold as Ice by the Foreigners playing on loop the entire day trying to get back in character#like. you'd think if i HAVE to experience something close to heartbreak then at least i could have had sex with the#hottest guy in the city. no. i just get the half assed symptoms of it after having conversations with him every weekend for three months#ranging from his cocaine addiction to police violence to the one time he was staring at nothing by the store room where i went to pick stuf#and he offered to take me to miami and i panicked and joked that he didnt have the money and left.#this sucks.
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hi fam !!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#mikey welsh#ahhh omg :( i just fumbled so bad socially#and i just need to like. never speak again i feel.#and i’m trying to comfort myself because like. my friend started talking badly about me#and said i only use her to vent which makes me sad because i didn’t think that was true and i try to do sm for her#i made physics study guides for her ; compliment her when she posts ; and post her on my story a lot and always wave to her and talk to her#and i dunno. it makes me sad to think that but i can’t help it; you know? i just need to be alone sometimes and not speak to anyone#and it isn’t like i don’t wanna be her friend ; of course i do but like. it just hurts my heart she doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore#and it hurts my heart so bad and i dunno what im meant to do. and yesterday i had a party#and i said a bad joke in front of the wrong people and i just. accidentally embarrassed one of my good friends and i feel so bad#and everyone js went quiet and it’s just. i feel awful and need to be like. beheaded.#and i try to comfort myself like oh it’s okay. today is a new day. but today i feel even worse about it and there’s nothing i can do#to fix this; like on one hand THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MY BLUNDER!!! but on the other hand; there’s nothing i can do and i have left#my imprint in their minds and it’s so bad. i wish i was like. dead or something; yk? like not even weezer can make me feel better and it#sucks so badly . i wish i could just not think anymore and ignore everything in my life. i just hate myself so badly right now ; and i can’t#even be sure that i’m gonna be better cuz i just lack so much social awareness. i wish#i was more socially aware . i just hate when i get too comfortable. i wish i awkwardly sat in the corner and#didn’t speak to anybody the entire night to spare myself from any awkwardness. i hate parties!! i shouldn’t have gone :(#SORRY FOR THR BENT POST I JS NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND LIKE. GET KT OHT YK?#it’s just so. ahhh i hate everything sm rn :( but liek me and the friend joke like that all the time and idk. im just. :( i feel terrible#and i’ve apologized and he said it was okay but embarrassing cuz some ppl looked at him for his reaction#and i dunno. i just feel awful and need to just. focus solely on academics until my brain is fried and i can’t function or something !
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just finished s2 of kaiji and it was good i really liked it but i hope i never see that fuckass pachinko machine again!!!
#i started ep 15 assuming hey the climactic battle against the swamp of despair is probably gonna be like 6 episodes max right#bc the op has hyoudou and roulette so there's a third game on the way#and from about the fourth episode on i kept going man it's gotta end next episode right they can't have That much more they can do with it#TWELVE EPISODES OF ONE GAME OF PACHINKO. YOU'RE JOKING#and watching it animated is one thing but im surprised fans of the manga didnt string him up in the street for this#im not joking i sunk cost fallacied my way through the entire thing in one sitting it was so much fucking pachinko#and spoilers spoilers spoilers but the BUILDING??? the BUILDING. jumping the shark a Little there to be so fr with you all#head in my hands kaiji i love you your life is ridiculous. the last episode having him blow his meager winnings on pachinko like the day#after was insane to me HAVENT YOU HAD ENOUGH???? I CERTAINLY HAVE#augh and like. guhh hes so nice hes such a nice protagonist im. in love with him a little bit#i do wish he was a Little more tempted by the money bc i liked that component earlier on#ah actually i think the main object of the fights becoming Figuring Out How To Out-Cheat The Enemy was less cool#don't get me wrong it was fun but i Really liked the more raw nobody knows whats going on vibes of the first two#and the group dynamics of rrps and the human derby were so delicious to me. also i wish s2 had more torture implements#the cheating thing makes sense progression-wise it's just a preference thing. the human derby hit me insanely hard#so it's kind of hard for anything to compete after that y'know?#actually very happy kaiji is still addicted to gambling at the end. like it's a happy ending bc he's debt free but like. he's not gonna#stay that way. and maybe thats a weird thing to be happy about but i think it's a choice that makes sense#he's got no reason to give it up and has become emotionally dependent on it. the series' concern w gambling as inherently self-destructive#and its sympathy towards ppl who see it as their last hope is like. really cool and idk i think it keeps kaiji real to never let that go#ok i just looked it up and the manga does continue. my ass will be reading it for sure#so idk how faithful the anime ending is but yeah. anyway i really really liked it this was good for me like emotionally#fkmt#ive heard the next arc is mahjong which is sick bc i like 80% know how mahjong works from yakuza#maybe this will help me grasp the final 20% (<- should just look up the rules or something)#what else. right i think it's funny that there's like 2 women total. The most allergic to women series ive ever seen and thats Impressive#the 2nd op is comedically cheeks like just Bad. very fun recognizing the band from the shitass 1st h.xh ed#im like 95% sure hidenari ugaki plays a side character in an episode but it's not listed on his behind the VAs so. alas.#2nd ed is fun bc while i Hate the trope it's doing i love seeing kaiji being put in Situations (clearly)#anyway. it's really good you guys should watch kaiji
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"An awkward gesture" like yeah. And that group of guys who gathered around in Portland ME in full Nazi paraphernalia on April 1st that one year were just joking. Right.
#bro. sorry WELL I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD EVEN SAY SORRY?????? but i am gonna bitch for a second#like that shit was so jarring (second example i provided) bc not to dox myself but that's like. home.#vaguely not specifically speaking. but that is home.#i don't even remember what happened/what was done about it other than like. seeing an article or two about it#but literally this is just part of the nazi playbook. it's just a joke. or a mistake. or an accident. not that serious. ect ect ect#bonus points if like well they're a really nice person. yeah. i bet they are To You.#and hell less me being a bitch about it even if they put on a nice face towards the people they want dead#like bitch. i was raised christian. i know a thing or two or one hundred thousand about The Duality of it.#conscious or subconsciously. i know first hand what it looks like to be loved and abhorred at the same time.#and this is a loose comparison maybe. but what i'm SAYING here is That's How They Get You.#also fuck man the more i think about that 'stunt' (idk if i even wanna call it that but for lack of a better term)#like. the stupider it fucking is. like yeah a joke. a prank. okay. and you just had all that shit laying around because.......???????#idk it's so jarring. esp when it's close to home#but it's also so fucking jarring and terrifying to see it play out Like This. not some fuckasses in fucking maine#but someone with a disgusting amount of power. in front of the entire world. TO the entire world#god i'm getting flashbacks to that one guy who in front of a whole ass crowd (some preacher? politician?#idk sometimes the venn diagram is a circle. i don't fucking care to find out) said some shit about#eradicating transgender people from public life completely. to like a LOUD fucking applause#like it's sickening and exhausting and god i'm privileged. technically speaking. i'm white#and am taken care of by family so i don't have to work (when like. idk if i can. as time goes on i really feel like i can't.)#like. i'm acknowledging that all things considered i'm probably going to be safe. in all likelihood.#but it's disgusting and horrifying and like. maybe i'm safe. relatively. but so many people are not and will not be.#like idk it's just looking really fucking bleak. and that's coming from the shut-in.#i feel like i could say so much about that too. how i exclusively live through my art and art alone.#is it maladaptive daydreaming if the conditions are inherently hostile to life itself?#again i feel like i'm lucky that i'm able to opt out. but i also feel like. i feel like these shouldn't be my only options.#i don't know. i just wish we had more political assassinations. it wouldn't fix the system.#but it would fix the issue of one really stupid and genuinely evil guy. this goes for many of them
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I bring you: ~*A Collection of Kaspy Moments with Commentary*~
*patriotics patriotically*
*lost in deep thoughts, regrets life decisions*
*deep set jealousy grows in girlblogger's heart*
*judge's UEFA's choice of cheap balls*
*checks quality of ball, still doesn't trust UEFA*
*girlblogger is breathless and mesmerised*
*orders little boys around*
*SCREAMS*
*jogs his little cute ass to the goal with his precious little things*
#that's the rundown of what goes through my mind while watching these matches#and probably what goes through his too..#i swear i can see the regret in his eyes at times..#the way he's second guessing... i bet he wishes he'd taken that offer to play for the beans on toast instead...#the way he'd beat me up for even joking about that.. he's so patriotic it's painful 😂#i wonder if it's to try and make up for the fact he basically grew an entire life outside of said country 🤔🤔#insecurities insecurities 🤔#Kasper Schmeichel#king thicccness#danish captain america
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will you guys hate me if i say i don't think the mean girls movie was that bad
#3 out of 5#i saw some people hating it for using tiktok but honestly any movie that wants to say anything about being a teenager these days#would be remiss if they didn't include tiktok and social media. it's literally an inescapable part of life these days.#especially when the movie is about social pressures lmao#that being said the songs were not great#and i wish they could say a joke and not immediately follow it up with a line to make sure you know that it was a joke#also side note. if this movie had come out when i was 14 it would have been my entire personality#i would have modelled my entire life after janis. even at the age of 24 i was like wow she's so cool i wish i could be her
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Thinking about this scene
#look i know i make jokes about them as a pairing and stuff#but their entire dynamic actually fucks me up so bad#i wish i had the words to express just how not normal i am about them#soichiro being driven to the point that his life literally doesn’t mean anything to him anymore#because he believes that him being alive actively puts his family’s lives at risk since mello is still threatening him for information#I’m really tired i have no idea if what I’ve written here makes sense but holy shiiiitt dude#literally nobody talks about them ever but i’m actually so deranged about them#mello#death note mello#mello death note#mihael keehl#soichiro yagami#soichello#not really intended to be a ship post but anyone who appreciates their dynamic is my target audience ig#death note#also i’m pissed they didn’t include this particular bit of this scene into the anime that would have been so cool
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i am feeling So Many Things at the moment but mostly i just feel like a disaster
#friday chats#tw vent#it's like.#new school - far from family - already behind - new crush - really tired - fucking focus would you?! - new show - undone chores#on and on and on#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -#- just make me feel like i'm being pulled in two opposite directions#why can't i just have the good and not the bad#i really wanted to take a gap year to decompress from All Of High School but my parents refused#kind of wish i took it regardless. just ''whoops - missed the application deadline! i'll get it in next year'' and faced their ire#but then i wouldn't have met my new friend at freshman camp#we both were individually interested in the queer orgs on campus and could have still met that way#but idk. it wouldn't have been the same#mostly i'm just worried i'm not cut out for living on my own. being an adult with a job. doing college at all.#not because people who have to rely on others/don't have a job/drop out are supposedly failures#but bc i don't have anybody i could safely fall back on AND live a life that is entirely my own if i don't make it#all i've got is my family. who will judge me for failing and force me to stay in the closet.#and frankly i don't want to live like that#so i have to keep going#but also part of me's like. ''you're ready to throw in the towel only a week in?? for fuck's sake friday come on''#it was just so much. i don't know. i just want to rest. i've been stressed for so long#i want a life where my needs are met and i feel safe and loved. that's all#but NOO i have to get a DEGREE to get a JOB so i can even begin to THINK of something like that#my family always jokes about how one day when i'm successful as an author i'll be super rich and have a private jet or whatever#and yeah that just speaks to how poorly they know me but more importantly IF i make it that big i just want to settle somewhere nice#somewhere cozy. maybe start a garden. get a cat. hold a loved one close at night. that's it really#and it sure would be nice if i could have that without having to bend over backwards getting a degree and a 9-to-5 or w/e#but i can't. so throwing myself at the wall that is my shit executive function it is.
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Internet archive I love you❤️❤️❤️
#my 14 year old self is crying tears of joy rn#I was able to recover videos of a yt channel that I used to follow as a teen but was closed by the owner from one day to the other#for *years* I thought I'd never see them again (aside very few scattered reuploads)#granted my interests changed and I was occupied with other things#but every once in a while I was wishing I could just watch at least my nr 1 favourite video of them just one more time#but NOW I found out that someone salvaged basically the entire channel and just - put the videos up for downloading?!#it feels so unreal because after all this time I can just watch them again? as often as I want?! and they're mine to keep forever?!! ahhhh#I'm getting unreasonably emotional over this but that channel genuinely meant a lot to me at the time#I still remember that I was on the school bus home when I discovered it was gone#and I swear if I hadn't been in a public setting I'd legit have cried over it. it certainly ruined an otherwise really nice day for me#granted my 14y/o self probably had a bit of a dumb sense of humour (harmless. but dumb. what do you expect from a 14y/o?)#(hence I'm also hesitant to mention the channel name bc I'm not sure if I'm ready to potentially embarrass myself)#but I still feel an odd fondness looking back because I know how much those videos meant to her <3#especially my one favourite video which 1. was the sole reason I discovered one of my favourite tv shows ever#and 2. was probably the spark that really ignited my initial interest in animation and digital arts#bc for the first time I consciously realised that you can actually do cool and fun stuff even as just one single person#and that you don't need an entire animation team to just - express yourself creatively and bring your ideas to life#like I'm not even joking when I say if it wasn't for that channel I might have ended up in an entirely different education/career path#anyway I'm happy. but I'll stop now. oh gods I'm abusing the tags again instead of just writing all that *into* the actual post#internet archive#personal#selnia talks
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where i put this to indicate i want to be left alone ? queers help me out
#sunny speaks#idk this is nothing#ive had the worst week of my entire life and im not exaggerating#i wish people would STOP TALKING TO ME FOREVER#irl ofc#this post is a joke lol
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Hey y'all last night Grian came to me in a dream and told me to watch Hermitcraft and subscribe to him is this like. Normal
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i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty
#the golem and the jinni#i was scrolling goodreads and the take i kept seeing was 'oh I wish Arbeely could've had his family too bad the jinni FUCKED IT UP'#but idk that's just not how i read him. like thats not where i feel the problem is#his whole shtick is being content as the jinni's foil and like! things can change! but the way it's done leaves him totally unresolved#which in turn means the jinni's shit is also never getting resolved because there is like no way to#when Arbeely describes his future family in the first book it's all 'someday... vaguely...' and AGAIN! what you want can change!#and honestly it's really interesting and sad that he makes this sacrifice for the jinni#but it's a layer of complexity that like clashes with how little he is there for and how little the author's invested in him#and like the way the no marriage literally did not ruin his life at all... sure it sucked but the man is still like idk rich#what has continuously fucked with him throughout both books is that he wants (or at least spends half his page time thinking about)#emotional connection to the jinni in a human way#which is something the jinni cant\wont give him even though he's basically Arbeely's only close friend#(besides ig maryam who was rlly funny hinting at her dislike for the jinni like someone trying to get their friend to dump their toxic bf)#anyway the vibe in the first book is that he only thinks about wanting a wife when the jinni is being a dickhead#BECAUSE the jinni eases arbeelys loneliness by just being there because at the end of the day that's what humans need#but then it's made really weird in the second book by Arbeely getting 'trapped' by the jinni (and yet they just grow further apart)#which means that the only thing arbeely actually spent half his life discontent with and then literally died without is not a wife#it's emotional intimacy with the jinni. which is insane to me#arbeely is obviously already tragic but this seems TOO tragic entirely because the book doesn't give af about addressing it#if it was like a plot thing then all of the above would be fine and gutwrenching because it ties back into the jinnis self isolation#BUT IT'S NOT. like i get arbeely isn't that important to the plot but he was important to the jinni and the jinni was important to him#alsoo necessarily disclaimer i'm not trying to say he's in love with the jinni or anything like that#although a queer arbeely (divorced from the above idea) would also been interesting cuz I dont think the jinni has a grasp on homophobia#so idk theyd be keeping each others secrets (arbeely x the biscuit man? JOKE)#BUTTTT! I don't believe he needs romantic energy! him and the jinni having awful vibes up until arbeely's literal death is what bothers me#The jinni is a bad communicator ik but come on... not once? not even before the diagnosis? The jinni also thinks about how distant they are#could they not talk a little? for me? there are ways to do it within the bounds of their characters FOR SURE#im sure this is the point but i do dislike it either way. anyway sorry arbeely u remind me of my uncle#the hidden palace
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Realized last night that my epilepsy that seemed to onset last October has actually been happening my entire life, my family just thought it was really bad night terrors or sleep walking. And as a teenager I thought I just got stuck sometimes and also that I was being haunted by 3 ghosts and that two of them wanted to kill me. reframing_my_entire_life.exe ×͜×
#laney says stuff#seizure hallucinations are uhhhhh no joke really fucking scary#only realized because I had a seizure the exact same as a “night terror” I had as a teen minus the ghost hallucination part#really wish epilepsy education had been better when I was younger#I've spent my entire life wondering what the hell has been wrong with me#and I'm so behind on college assignments because every day I have 3-6 seizures#i'm so exhausted#I don't hallucinate much anymore but if I see some shit again I will FLIP#been trying for weeks to catch up with college but every other day another fuckin think happens & I just can't focus#:(((((((#vent post#I just don't know what to dooooooo at this point but wake up every day & roll into another revelation & struggle & struggle & struggle
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I think we, as a society, collectively, should ban kids movies from making fart jokes
#it’s time guys. I think it’s time to take action#there hasn’t been a single time in my entire life I have ever laughed at a poop or fart joke of any kind#not have I ever seen a child laugh at them I am ngl. I have two younger brothers and no one is laughing#it’s so cringe I am so sorry if this is your comedy type or whatever but it just takes me out#this isn’t about something specifically but it totally is looking at you Plagg from the ML movie#just. why? like what is the reason? what is the joke? can someone come here and explain it to me genuinely#dissect the joke if you wish. a full 10 page essay#asksjks sorry I was watching some clips from the movie again and plagg does his thing and aksjsk how to kill your character in 2 seconds#random#ig I’ll tag it but it goes to everything#miraculous ladybug#it actually kinda pisses me off all jokes aside#bc movies think kids are dumb so they just throw in cheap gags instead of actual hood jokes for children#idk it’s my new pet peeve I fear
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i may or may not be about to rewatch supernatural for the third time so if you dont hear from me in about two and a half months... you know where to find me
#spn#uhmmm...... yea..... im gonna go..... start back at episode one i guess#wish me luck#im gonna need it#oh btw fun fact#the first time i watched supernatural it was during the summer#so like there was one week during summer that i#no joke#got up at 8am every day. did nothing but watch supernatural. then go to bed at 2am#.for a week#i could get through almost an entire season in a day.#guys.#that was the worst week of my life#i was a binger of shows and i still am but goddamn#guys listen to me and take this as a cautionary tale#do not. do what i did.#like i stg guys#you do not need to torture yourself just to do something you enjoy#i did not know that#all i knew was supernatural and castiel#and honestly i think thats one of the main reasons why im gonna go rewatch it again#bc i was such a fucking idiot when i watched it the first time#i was too busy being stupid to actually watch the show#so....#idk i feel like im kinda rambling here but#uhhh yea i dont really have much else to say#heed my warning i guess#dont do what i did#and dont do what im about to do ((watch supernatural for a third time))#goddamn
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