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#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -
fridayyy-13th
·
26 days
Text
i am feeling So Many Things at the moment but mostly i just feel like a disaster
#friday chats
#tw vent
#it's like.
#new school - far from family - already behind - new crush - really tired - fucking focus would you?! - new show - undone chores
#on and on and on
#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -
#- just make me feel like i'm being pulled in two opposite directions
#why can't i just have the good and not the bad
#i really wanted to take a gap year to decompress from All Of High School but my parents refused
#kind of wish i took it regardless. just ''whoops - missed the application deadline! i'll get it in next year'' and faced their ire
#but then i wouldn't have met my new friend at freshman camp
#we both were individually interested in the queer orgs on campus and could have still met that way
#but idk. it wouldn't have been the same
#mostly i'm just worried i'm not cut out for living on my own. being an adult with a job. doing college at all.
#not because people who have to rely on others/don't have a job/drop out are supposedly failures
#but bc i don't have anybody i could safely fall back on AND live a life that is entirely my own if i don't make it
#all i've got is my family. who will judge me for failing and force me to stay in the closet.
#and frankly i don't want to live like that
#so i have to keep going
#but also part of me's like. ''you're ready to throw in the towel only a week in?? for fuck's sake friday come on''
#it was just so much. i don't know. i just want to rest. i've been stressed for so long
#i want a life where my needs are met and i feel safe and loved. that's all
#but NOO i have to get a DEGREE to get a JOB so i can even begin to THINK of something like that
#my family always jokes about how one day when i'm successful as an author i'll be super rich and have a private jet or whatever
#and yeah that just speaks to how poorly they know me but more importantly IF i make it that big i just want to settle somewhere nice
#somewhere cozy. maybe start a garden. get a cat. hold a loved one close at night. that's it really
#and it sure would be nice if i could have that without having to bend over backwards getting a degree and a 9-to-5 or w/e
#but i can't. so throwing myself at the wall that is my shit executive function it is.
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