#also like you don’t have to reach a certain level of bad or ill to seek help

[chryblossomjjk]

taking steps to get on antidepressants tomorrow besties 🤧

[sapphiresaphics]

Here’s the thing. Arcane season 2 was finished being written back in 2020. It was completed before the first season of Arcane even aired on Netflix in the first place. Before they even knew if it was going to be a hit or not. Before any of the fans had hot takes about the characters.

Which means that all of these “new subplots” (such as the black rose) weren’t just added in on a whim. They have an intentional purpose in the story they’re trying to tell.

It also means that the pacing was always going to increase and become faster as the two seasons went on.

I think a lot of fans are coming at this show from the perspective of a lot of live action shows where the writers see how fans respond to certain things so they add them into the story or focus on fan favorites to grab your attention and keep you engaged. And live action shows can do this because they’re filmed relatively close to when the series airs and so they’re aware of what the reactions are on social media (for good or ill).

But this is animation. Very TIME CONSUMING animation at that. It took 4 years to finish animating the 9 episodes of Season 2. If you include the 6 years of development and production of Season 1, that’s almost a full DECADE of working on this show.

My point is that they literally (and logistically) can’t respond to fan input and make changes in the show based on the way it was received on social media. Like it or not, these specific characters beats and storylines were always the plan from the start.

This is a long winded way of trying to say… if you have problems with the way certain characters are behaving, or certain plot points feeling rushed, or feel overwhelmed by the number of added subplots that need to get resolved before the end of the show… I strongly suggest rather than saying the writing is “bad” or that the writers “don’t know what they’re doing” or just complain about anything really… I suggest you take a step back and ask yourself “why are these the stories and actions they chose for this 2 season arc?”

I think that’s a far more productive thing to do than to go online and whine about things you didn’t like. I find it’s better to try and understand WHY they chose to do these things rather than write them off. More often than not when you look into the why, or try to come up with reasons why the writers would take certain characters down the paths they do, you end up coming out appreciating the media more. Even if you still don’t were with their narrative choices, learning and understanding the WHY is far more rewarding I think.

I’ll give you an example of something I don’t like, but that I understand why. Isha. I don’t like that Isha was introduced and then killed off in the latest episode. If I were to look at it just from a surface level reading, it seems pointless to add this cute mute kid character only to take her away a few episodes later. But NARRATIVELY she’s extraordinarily important. She is what Jinx needed to become more empathetic to her sister and reach out to fix their family. She helps push Jinx into the role of Vander for season 2. And her heroically framed sacrifice is probably going to be the push Jinx needs to stop trying to commit suicide.

Would I have liked to see more of her and Jinx’s relationship? Yes. Would I liked to have learned more about where she came from and why she’s mute? Yes. But at the end of the day, this is not a show about Isha. Isha is a narrative device to help forward the character development of Jinx. And so, while I do not like that she sacrificed herself… I understand it. And that understanding helps me appreciate the writing and the level of depth the writers are willing to go to push their characters around where they need to be by the end of the series.

At the end of the day, Arcane is just another show on Netflix. It is not beyond criticism. There are a lot of legitimate criticisms you can have against the show. But I’ve found that recently the number of bad takes and people refusing to engage with the narrative has resulted in a bit of a backlash against the show and I do not think that’s ultimately very productive. Please… if you’re going to criticize the show, please try to do better than just write off anything you don’t like as “the writers just suck” or “they changed X character for no reason!”

Because I guarantee you, there IS a reason for everything in this show. No matter how small and trivial it might be, this show was put together with love and an extraordinary attention to detail. There are reasons for why characters do and say the things they say. The writers often make these into intentional parallels, foreshadowing, and callbacks.

Please… take the time to actually stop and dissect what you see. Even something upsets you. I implore you… try to understand why. Try to understand what the writers are saying. Try to understand how certain plot points and events could have a bearing on different characters.

Please just…. Try?

[envy-of-the-apple]

AHHH the whole suguru and satoru liking older women thing is so>>. to me it’s so much easier imaging Satoru chasing after someone older since he really does give bratty youngest sibling vibes… like especially with how he reacted in front of that kfc after losing a bad bitch (suguru)… he’s not used to being told no for SURE. And he’d def chase after someone that has their shit together and KNOWS better than to give in to his manipulation, which is makes him all the more intrigued and hungry to vie for that person’s attention. prime example being just how annoying he gets towards nanami.

BUT that does make me wonder what suguru is like then. I don’t know if he’s necessarily the type of person to chase— or at least not in the pestering way that Satoru does. If he were to go after someone older, does he reach a point of desperation when they don’t give in? like, no this cult leader pretty boy with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and overly polite mannerisms that scream of ulterior motives is NOT gonna get the pass from someone who is older and clocks his ill intentions from a mile away. I’m sure Satoru is in it for the long haul when it comes to chasing after someone, but suguru… at some point he’d prolly just kidnap you and force you to stay in one of the rooms of his temple until you get Stockholm syndrome I swear. He seems more like the type of person who demands to have the reigns / control over the situation, and he wouldn’t necessarily entertain any rejection or retaliation in the way Satoru does (his lil masochist ass prolly enjoys being a top tier menace just so you keep pushing him away tbh).

I’m getting ahead of myself, but I do wanna see your perspective on how he is with someone who is equally as level-headed as him (if not more than, considering seniority and being more jaded/experienced with dealing with creepy ppl). Suguru and Satoru def have different approaches to gaining the attention of an older person they like. I say person rather than woman bc they’re def both… lil bi whores…. freaky frotters if you will. explored each others’ bodies for sure… Also I love your works SO SO MUCH! I came here from your ao3 and I’m genuinely in awe whenever I read your stuff… it def inspires me when I’m writing my own jjk works lmao (takes me like 50 business years to write a single fic on ao3 but it’s okay we ball).

awwww bestie tytyty so so much youre so nice!!!!

kkkkk so I do think that Suguru prefers older women while Satoru leans more towards older men. Like have you seen that guy? Daddy issues, clearly. If Toji wasn't, yknow, actively hunting him down, Gojo would definitely be obsessed with him like Noaya

I totally agree with what you said! For Suguru, it really is about control. I feel like Suguru sees the age difference like a certain power dynamic that he can twist around, if that makes sense? When he goes after someone, he definitely expects them to come quietly. I feel like he'd enjoy the chase a little bit, but only a little. He'd quickly get bored and the flimsy excuses of 'I'm ten years older than you' 'I have a husband and a child' will start to get a little annoying. I feel like the ppl he goes after will know he's dangerous and not to mess with him.

[liloinkoink]

hi, big fan of lamplight, and I wondered whether you used a guide/list for Ren's more specific mannerisms, or just work from your own knowledge?

love the series :D

glad you’re enjoying it!

as for a guide to Ren’s mannerisms… i don’t know that i have 100% hard set rules that This Action = That Emotion Every Single Time, but i do have some guidelines for myself. i haven’t ever really written them out, but ill try and mark down the rules i follow in my own head for how to write Ren expressing himself

first: the obvious one is that good/happy emotions are generally bright. when he’s excited, he gets big and bright, with a lot of motion and sparking. he can’t wag his tail or shout anymore, so he ends up big and bright to express himself instead lots of fast movements like it’s windy, or sparks / embers, or becoming genuinely hard to look at—that’s happiness and excitement, generally. this is what you see the most in him in lamplight

the opposite of that, of course is that and bad/unhappy emotions are usually small and dim. if he’s hurt or upset or sad or angry or scared, he gets small and dark. i imagine his flames also move a bit slower when he’s sad

however, bright doesn’t always mean happy and dim doesn’t always mean sad. the light level also corresponds to how intensely he’s feeling something. strong emotions usually see his flames get bigger/brighter/faster, while weak emotions don’t have as much as an effect. if he were frustrated or anxious, his flames might move faster—think of it like pacing, or bouncing his leg. he might also get brighter when he’s angry if there’s a lot of passion behind it.

that sort of thing is where color comes in. the color of his fire is his other big emotional tell. i’d say his neutral is orange—if they’re just walking around in silence, or if Martyn is asleep, he probably defaults to a nice orange. when he’s happier, he turns more yellow/white. i use the word “gold” to describe him basically exclusively when Martyn is making him smile / he’s smiling at Martyn, and i usually picture that as like… specifically fond/comfortable(/lovestruck)

the color he appears most rarely is red, which is… irritated or angry, mostly, but it can also be incredibly sad, in a “dimmed so far down he’s more embers than fire” sort of way. i’d say flustered could also be red depending on the context? red can mean a lot of things, but they’re not emotions that are as common, and you’d have to figure it out based on the intensity/motion of his flames

for other really uncommon things: he sometimes makes smoke when annoyed, frustrated, flustered, or when he’s purposefully trying to annoy Martyn. smoke also is just something i throw in sometimes if the vibe feels right for it. also, Ren’s temperature doesn’t fluctuate that much, because it’s something he has to remain in control of so he doesn’t hurt Martyn, but if he’s taken really off guard he might slip up and get hotter (ie. getting flustered by Martyn kissing him in worship the ashes. i think if Martyn ever surprised/scared him suddenly he would risk Ren burning him by accident)

bc of all this, Ren’s expressions are kind of mix-and-match. for example, sometimes he’s upset and bright—if he’s really pissed, he’d be red embers that are small, but INCREDIBLY bright, to the point he’s difficult to look directly at. another example, i tend to describe him as sparking “like fireworks” when he’s happy, but he might also spark when he’s annoyed or nervous

when i’m picking how Ren’s expressing himself, i usually think about two things:

first thing, what was he just doing last? if he was so upset he’d gone down to embers and is now moving toward happiness, he’s probably not going to jump immediately to blinding white fireworks (unless he’s really happy)—he’s going to warm up a little bit, move more to orange, and have to be cheered up until he reaches yellow/white again

the other thing i think about is examples of real world flames and match them with certain vibes. like, with Ren’s anger, i tend to think about hot metal right out of a forge, because ren’s anger is intense and can be powerful when directed or shaped purposefully. for unease, i think about sparks from friction, because those make me uneasy.

aaaand finally, to end out all of these considerations, the last rule is that i can also break just about any of these if i think that it feels correct to do so. he operates on vibe. sometimes the vibe says do something else besides what is in this guide. at which point i do that thing instead

if there are any specifics that usually stay true consistently… i can think of three reliable constants that usually only mean one thing

-crackling generally happens when Ren is using his “voice.” often it specifically means laughter, but not always, and not every laugh results in crackling. it can also just mean he’s talking or yelling

-like i said up in the color section, if i use the word gold in prose, it usually means specifically a warm/fond smile directed at or because of Martyn

-when Ren cries, it appears as steam. we haven’t seen him cry yet, but this is how it would appear if he did: so dim it looks like he’s nearly out, barely red embers, heavy steam. he looks almost like water has been doused over him. you will only ever see steam if you actually genuinely dunk Ren in water or if he’s crying

-i haven’t really thought about sleep before, BUT if Ren were to sleep again as fire he’d probably get fairly dim and pretty slow, unless he was dreaming, at which point ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

Your Physical Glow Up 

Most of us when trying to level up are very excited to work on the physical aspect. I know I am. I'm excited about finally getting my dream body, skin, and hair. I have been working so hard this month on being intentional with my habits so I can attain my goals. So in today's blog post, I want to break down the things you should focus on to enhance your physical appearance I will be making more in-detail blog posts about each point<3.

Diet 

This is the most important thing to me that we should all focus on whether you are trying to lose, gain, or maintain weight. Your diet can affect a lot. Having a bad diet can affect your gut health causing uncomfortable bloating it can affect your skin giving you bad acne and so many other issues. Depending on your goal try to find a diet that best fits what you're going for. I recommend eating a balanced diet and not limiting or restricting any food. Watch YouTube videos and read books on proper nutrition. Also, find out how many calories you should be eating daily on TDEE calculators. Always consult your doctor especially if you have medical issues. Always consult your doctor especially if you have medical issues. WATER I know some girlies aren’t big fans of water lol but you need water! I wish I could put a bigger emphasis on the need for water it's a must especially when it comes to your skin and overall body health. If you don't like drinking water you can put lemons or other fruits in your water. My favorite item to use to give my water a boost of flavor is flavored packets they sell them every where and they are very low in calories ranging from 0-10 Cals. Finally, your gut health I know you have been hearing about this all over tik tok this topic is so deep ill be making a separate post for it but yes gut health is so important it can affect our physical appearance causing us to look bloated or inflamed. So do your research on how to improve your gut health and expect a post soon <3.

Exercise 

Get your body moving babe! Exercise can be fun find a form of exercise that makes you feel good and that you enjoy. I think the reason why a lot of us do not enjoy working out is because we are doing what everyone else is doing instead of doing what makes us happy. Some people might love HIIT workouts and you might like something more low-impact like pilates and the next girl could like walking 5 miles every day. Figure out what best suits you dibble and dabble in different forms of exercise. And yes I know sometimes we will have to do exercise we don’t like to get a certain look I recently started weight training at first I did not like it but now I love ittt! It makes me feel so good and I have been seeing results and the more results I see the harder I want to go in the gym. Also, you do not have to pay for memberships to be able to do pilates and yoga YouTube has a lot of amazing women who will get you right. So look at your goals figure out what aligns with them and be consistent.

Rest

Sleep is very important and the most overlooked. You need to get at least 7 hours of sleep every night. Start training your body to sleep more no more late nights. Of course, staying up here and there is understandable but you shouldn’t be staying up and going to sleep by 3 am every single day. Take it easy allow yourself to rest! Do not overwork yourself to achieve your goals. With patience, you will reach your goals in the blink of an eye, and you’ll be where you want to be.

Skincare 

First figure out what skincare type you have and the type of products that are best for your skin. I have hyperpigmentation and dark spots it's not extremely bad but I do not like it and would like my skin to be one color and clear. So I did some research on what I could try to get the skin that I wanted. I recently started using Kojic acid, Cosrx, MediCube, and Neutrogena. Also, sunscreen is important for all of us to use. I'm a black girl if you haven't realized yet lol but growing up I heard black people do not need sunscreen yesss we do! I recently started getting into anti-aging skin care as well still doing my research. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be youthful you can't stop aging but you can slow it down.

These were the basic things to focus on when trying to physically level up if you want me to go more in-depth let me know. I'll be making posts on each separately over the next couple of weeks.

I'm open to any comments or private messages if you can relate and please let me know any further topics you want me to cover<3

[acacia-may]

Let’s pour some salt together, Acacia~!/lh 💖

If it’s not too much trouble, can I ask #7 generally, #10 for Fairy Tail and Black Clover, and finally #25 for Demon Slayer?

It’s several questions and a bit all over the pl s so I hope you don’t mind… 😅

Cheers, Erika! 🥂 Thanks for the chance to get a little bit salty about so many different things! ^^

Necessary disclaimer above the cut: These are just my own personal opinions based on my personal tastes, perceptions, and feelings regarding the series, stories, and characters and their relationships. I genuinely have the utmost respect and absolutely no ill will towards anyone who has a different opinion than me. In fact, I have always said that one of the greatest things about fandom is that we can all experience and perceive these amazing stories and characters in very different ways but still love them. Even some of my dearest fandom friends enjoy different pairings than me or see our shared favorite characters in wildly different ways than I do. I personally find it very rewarding to have respectful conversations about our differences of opinion, and I hope that my opinions will also be respected. Also, I don't vibe with just mindless bashing things, so even though this is about to get very salty and a little snarky, I'll try to keep it respectful and all in good fun. I am not tagging anything and am hiding my thoughts under the cut so you all don't have to be subjected to my hot takes and "Salty Acacia," if you don't want.

MAJOR Spoilers for Demon Slayer below the cut. You've been warned.

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

ATTACK ON TITAN/SNK. My sister says I need a swear jar because I can just rant for hours about how I was just so personally, viscerally disappointed with how that series ended (made all the worse because I had several years of investment in it). As a disclaimer, I still like my favorite characters and the side story "No Regrets" will always be **Chef's Kiss** but yeah...you could not pay me to watch or read it ever again.

But again, disclaimer, that's just me. It's my cousin's favorite anime of all time, and he loved the ending. Everyone's different.

As for anything else from fandoms I actually talk about...I'm not sure there is anything. Like everyone with an online presence, I have definitely been disturbed, appalled, and otherwise very upset by things I've seen on the internet, but that's what the block button is for (and I know it's all peace, love, & good vibes around here, but I block aggressively, actively, and unapologetically when the situation warrants it). As a general rule though, I try not to let what other people think get to me and ruin the things I love, and in that way, I don't think I have ever had a situation where something was just completely 100% ruined for me by a terrible fic, toxic fandom, or anon hatred ect. ect. I have certainly distanced myself from certain pairings and certain fandoms because of that, but I wouldn't say any of them have ever reached the level of "I can't stand it now." If anything, I sometimes feel a little contrary and dig my heels in on that thing in a petty revenge, "Well in that case, I'll just like this more" kind of way, if that makes sense?

All of that said, I have no patience for nasty, toxic fandom environments, and I stay away from those even if it's a media I really like i.e. you mentioned MHA in one of your salty asks...I wrote my one platonic friendship fic and got the hell outta there (nothing bad happened to me but it just wasn't worth it to take any chances). But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it in real life and sometimes talk about it with my sisters and irl friends. I just don't want to discuss it online. It's not worth the headache & drama.

I definitely get fandom fatigue sometimes where the aggressiveness and toxicity of the fans of a certain pairing or character I already don't like just intensifies my dislike for that thing. But that's really only ever happened with things I already don't like or don't have an opinion on at all, which I don't think that really fits the prompt here.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Fairy Tail: The anime-only Celestial Spirit Arc by a landslide. It was so boring and had so many pacing issues. I literally fell asleep during it and didn't even both going back. I'm also super bitter towards that arc because my sister got so bored during it that she quit the anime (right before getting the best arc Tartaros). I keep begging her to pick it up again and just skip the stupid Celestial Spirit Arc but she swears she is a completionist and would never be able to do it. So yeah. Can't stand that one! The only positive thing I could remotely say about it was that Levy on the game show was kind of entertaining, but overall the whole arc was kind of just like a boring bizarre dream I'd like to forget about.

For arcs that appeared in both the anime and manga, I really didn't like that flute arc (which a google search has informed me is actually called the "Eisenwald Arc"). I'm glad we got Gray and Erza introduced as characters, but the arc had a lot of pacing issues and just went on for way too way, imo. They could've wrapped things up a lot faster, also I just didn't get the whole "evil flute" thing--it was really random and kind of bizarre (also not the most well thought out plan in the world). I will say this arc gets more points than the Celestial Spirit Arc because my sister and I had so much fun making Kokushibo flute jokes.

Black Clover: Gotta go with the anime only arc here too because again, it was boring and didn't have a lot of bearing on the series as a whole. It also felt like a major let down after the high stakes of the Elf Arc. Honestly just not a fan of that one.

If I had to pick a manga arc...uh...I honestly don't know. Maybe the Sosshi village arc? But only because I thought it was better in the anime where they really took the time to flesh out Magna's backstory. It felt more rushed in the manga, but I don't dislike it as much as that anime only one.

If I can pick a character arc, freaking FINRAL'S!! Like what happened here?! It was so, so good...until it wasn't. I JUST CAN'T WITH THE AMOUNT OF REGRESSION. It makes me want to beat my head against the wall even more than he is! But I think this was about story arcs, not characters arc so I'll refrain from ranting here.

25. Would you change the ending of Demon Slayer?

This is kind of a complicated one. My sister and I were just talking about this because she feels there was too much character death, but I feel it was a justified and appropriate amount for the high stakes of the series (even if it was devastating). So for the sake of this discussion, let's assume that the author had a "character death quota" (or a set number of characters who were going to be killed off by the end of the series). If that was the case, I would have axed Uzui at the end of the Entertainment District Arc and saved Genya in the final arc.

If there was a believable/reasonable way that Muichiro could have gone into god-mode and defeated Kokushibo without dying, I would have saved him too, having Uzui take his "death slot." Then I would have saved Genya by having Sanemi die to protect him (which would have been a much more satisfying ending to his arc, in my opinion).

As sad as the other deaths were (*weeps about ObaMitsu*) Muichiro and Genya were children. While it's realistic for them to die, it's especially tragic, and if I got to rewrite the ending, I would prioritize saving them.

Though to be perfectly fair, I would have been much happier with the ending if Uzui had died in the Entertainment District Arc and any of our heroes who died in the final battle survived instead. I'll forever be salty that Uzui of all people somehow managed to survive to the end when so many others did not, especially since his arc had already wrapped up and him dying in the Entertainment District would have been a satisfying conclusion to his story whereas so many other characters who did get axed had storylines that felt unfinished (Genya especially).

Also, Himejima should have played the flute at Kokushibo causing him to lose his cool in the infinity castle so much faster. I'm really upset this didn't happen. (Kidding but I would’ve loved to see him just go completely unhinged over the flute. I make way too many Kokushibo flute jokes…)

[ina-nis]

The barriers to accessing treatment keep on pilling up...

“Affordable” therapy that isn’t really affordable. Therapists who offer low cost and/or sliding fee are limited to certain places and professionals, and the waiting times are immoral.

The “specialties” are focused on resolving “simpler” issues that impact quality of life. Even when you can find something more particular (such as trauma-informed, or queer-specific), it only goes skin-deep.

Maybe this is how I see things now, since I have years of treatment on my back. Personally, it feels like it’s not enough, it doesn’t reach the root of the issue and... I’m on a stalemate.

There’s 2 things that feel especially sour for me, considering my personal circumstances: the fact that professionals (and clinics themselves) are not willing to take upon patients that are suicidal, and the fact that all therapy is supposed to do is to get a person to achieve a degree of functioning and decrease suffering.

In the latter, I feel I’m 100% functional. I can take care of myself, I’m lucid and I’m able to do basically everything on my own (taking into account limitations due to physical and other psychological conditions). I’m already doing everything within my power to “decrease suffering” that is... all those things you see out there about exercising, diet, hobbies, going outside regularly, sleep hygiene, self-care, etc... they all, indeed, decrease suffering.

I’m still suffering though. At times, I feel like it’s worsening actually, the activities I engage with to “decrease suffering” end up having the opposite effect so... I feel like, slowly, some of those activities are augmenting suffering instead.

It makes sense considering treatments and “solutions” for all kinds of issues have “standards” and these standards, in practice, don’t really apply to everyone.

When I was in the process of getting a diagnosis for chronic pain, I was told I “should exercise more”. Yeah... I guess I didn’t think about that, huh? The funny thing is that I’ve been always a very active person, one of the reasons I started pursuing a diagnosis was because I was unable to exercise.

I guess it’s trickier in the realm of mental illnesses, because oftentimes, they’re “invisible” conditions. Of course, a doctor will see me suicidal and suffering and assume my sleep/diet is bad, I don’t exercise, don’t go outside and don’t have any hobbies. When you do tell them that, then the answer is “therapy”.

And you go to therapy, where the exact same assumptions will occur because that’s usually how it goes.

My impression so far is that I need to do everything “harder” and “stronger”, as if I were doing those activities lightly, and this is why they’re not working. The intensity or amount don’t really make a difference in my suffering, but it will surely leave me more and more exhausted. And it’s all such a horrible trigger for obsessive-compulsive behaviours: I obsess over sleeping well (so I put myself through a very strict schedule), I obsess over my diet (I have a million eating disorders), I obsess over exercising and my hobbies and going outside (so I force myself to do these things whether I want it or not), I obsess over self-care (so the inside of my head is a echo-chamber, from which I can’t escape), and so on...

Not surprisingly, my sleep is shit, my diet is shit, and everything else is also harming me in a way or another, but I (feel like I) need to keep on going because “this is also part of the treatment”.

The other piece, suicidality, from what I understand, is about professionals and spaces not wanting to take accountability or be held responsible for someone else’s life - many explicitly will exclude people who are “in active psychosis” or “suffering with homicidal or suicidal urges”, etc, so... the patients need to have some degree of functionality, and achieve some level of “normalcy” to be able to receive treatment.

Well, okay then, what are the options for me? I’m suicidal but I’m no in imminent danger of dying so I don’t want to access mental health crisis resources because they would not be helpful for me in my current state. At the same time, this is something that’s affecting both my quality of life and functioning as I’m unable to, among other things, seek and maintain stable employment or a support system. Trapped in poverty, unable to afford treatment as well, and so on... predictably, all things that increase suicidality.

I either have to lie to, maybe, receive treatment, mention suicide during therapy and have it become a shitshow because the therapist thinks I’m going to die ASAP, don’t listen to me and everything goes to shit. Or I do mention it beforehand and am barred from receiving care altogether until I’m “stable enough”. Regardless, I feel like I have to lie and water down my issues to be seen as “normal” and palatable and not have my autonomy taken away from me.

The last thing, and I guess the thing that stings the most, is the fact that anything that doesn’t “improve” with the most common styles of treatment, therapy, coping skills and self-care approaches, fall into “treatment resistant” territory.

To me, the answer and the reason why that happens is quite simple: it gets to a point that it’s not an individual fault anymore.

I have to believe in this. I’m doing already everything I can to get better, if I’m not getting better there must be another explanation that doesn’t have to do with me and my efforts. I have had my share of self-blaming and it didn’t help, it never does. At least blaming literally anything or anyone other than myself doesn’t corner me into despair. I can try and have some hope I’ll find a way out.

Maybe you think it’s hard to believe? Society is built upon ableism, culturally, socio-economically and more. Oh, I wonder why things like schizophrenia, eating disorders and depression are so hard to treat... I’m sure it has nothing to do with stigma, sanism and demonization of mental disorders, neurodivergent and fat people, it also has nothing to do with increasing rates of violence and discrimination, oppression, capitalism, the political climate, the environment that’s falling apart... I could keep going.

In my personal case: personality disorders are deemed difficult (if not straight up impossible) to treat, and people with personality disorders are to be avoided at all costs, left to remain marginalized or just thrown under the bus, as collateral damage or worse. Who the fuck cares about these “sickos”, right?

I care. I have to care.

As it stands, my mind is set on dying so I need to keep on going despite it all. It’s hard... experiencing rejection upon rejection, so many doors closing, so many opportunities gone to waste, so much time that has been lost and can’t be recovered. Trying the best I can, doing all these things that are supposed to help, smiling through it all, being positive through it all, trying to keep my head up and stay optimistic through it all.

My mind, I, don’t see another way out. It’s just a matter of time now.

I’m sure I would definitely improve with the right treatment, the right professional and the right amount of time - I know I would because I still feel like I’m so close to finding a satisfactory answer(s) - but when I’m faced with reality, the lack of a support system gets to me, and so do all these barriers to accessing treatment, and so does existing in a society that either/or don’t care about me, don’t see me and don’t want me here.

I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to live a miserable life either.

It is all really painful after all...

[cookinguptales]

That last post I just reblogged was fascinating to me because it was obviously a joke but it actually lined up so well with a common PMDD symptom of mine that I was writing about it in the tags. Then I kind of thought about it again and realized OP doesn’t deserve all that in the tags of their joke post so like. I guess I’ll put those thoughts here instead.

(under a cut, cw: frank discussion of mental illness)

Like I’ll warn here that I’m about to talk about mental illness in some pretty explicit terms. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder) and for the most part I have a pretty good handle on it. My depression is treatment resistant, but I did some hormonal treatments for years to help with that, my endometriosis, and my menstruation-induced EDS complications.

(Have you ever had menstrual cramps so bad that it dislocated your hips and ribs? I have! Every goddamn month lmao.)

About a year and a half ago, I had to stop taking the hormones because they were honestly making certain things worse, so I had to kind of just. Figure out other ways to deal with it. Working with a doctor, a regimen of cannabis tea and ketamine has helped a lot with the physical symptoms, and has helped some with the emotional symptoms. It’s still not perfect (still get bad days sometimes) but my suicidality is way better than it was.

(People with PMDD are apparently estimated to attempt suicide seven times more than the general AFAB population so like. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.)

That said, my ketamine regimen was fucked up recently because of some issues at the doctor’s office and uh. Well, I’m still kind of building the levels back up. The past few periods have been very rough for me. Mostly physically, but I’ve had some emotional issues, too.

This month, my PMDD has been… I guess not as severe as it was in the past, but boy is it lingering. I’ve been very jittery, very anxious, prone to bad mental loops, etc. It’s been about a week at this point, which is on the long side, but you just gotta tough it out, right?

(Don’t worry, guys, I do know when to reach out for help when symptoms get bad, and have done it before in the past.)

Anyway… one of my least favorite symptoms has come out to play and I’m Dealing with it but I hate itttt. It’s the one that the post reminded me of! And that’s the one where you feel guilty for wanting people to love you.

I think… when you’re dealing with something difficult alone, it’s very normal to fantasize about someone helping you through it. Telling you you’re not a bad person, that they love you, hugging you, etc. Normal stuff like that. I think people sometimes use fictional characters, sometimes real people who love them (like family/friends), sometimes people they make up in their head, etc. I think fantasizing about comfort is fairly normal.

But when you’re in the trenches, your mind is like No It Is Not Normal It Is Bad. I have to remind myself that like… in some ways, it’s kind of like an abusive relationship. During bad PMDD spells, my mind wants to hurt me, it wants to kill me, and it wants to separate me from my support systems. Your brain tells you that burdening others with your feelings is Bad and you are Bad for doing it.

This makes it hard to reach out for help when you need it (again, I do know how to do that, I am safe, I know that I have people who would come to my house right now if I needed them to — and failing that, I do know how emergency mental health intake works, too) but also like… it often gets to the point where you feel like a terrible person for even wanting to be loved.

Like — this is hard to explain, so here’s a sample spiral.

(cw: mental illness, suicide mention. I’m going to try and be as realistic as possible here and that might be troubling for some readers.)

I am feeling bad. I am sad and anxious and scared and feel like I am worthless. I want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I imagine a person I like doing this. I then think — no, you are a bad person. They would not want to do this. You are putting the burden of your feelings on some unsuspecting person again. It is unfair to use a real person as a mental support. You are forcing them into a situation they did not consent to, and you are using them as a crutch. You are a bad, selfish person and they would hate you if they knew you were doing this. You are asking for too much from the people around you; how dare you ask for love and support? You are worthless and no one will love you and imagining them loving you is unfair to them and frankly very invasive. You are being parasitical right now. Stop imagining people doing things they’d never want to do, you’re such a bad person. Don’t you care about their boundaries? Of course you don’t, you always hurt people because you’re selfish and bad and no one will ever like you. So stop imagining them liking you! Just kill yourself and get it over with, etc. You are a bad thing and bad things should go away and you should stop existing. Stop writing RPF about the people you like, that’s even worse than the crime of just being you. Just kill yourself.

And honestly, this will probably go on for a couple hours and there will probably be a lot of crying. >.> It’s good to keep electrolyte solution around because dehydration just makes it worse.

I’ve dealt with MDD for almost my entire life, but PMDD is… different. There’s a sort of exhausted doneness with MDD, like you don’t want to kill yourself, necessarily, you just want to stop existing. PMDD is different. There’s a very loud, very manic aggression to it. Your brain is very actively trying to kill you. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like being in a crowd of people all screaming at you at once until you cry, and then screaming at you for crying. There is a mob in your head and it hates you.

It is… very, very loud and very difficult to drown out. I can usually catch the warning signs and head things off before I get into a spiral. Going for a walk is good. Helps break the cycle. Creating is good, too. Makes me feel productive and useful to others, which is a whole other can of worms, but it is effective. And if all else fails, I usually weaponize my hyperfixations lmao. Start up an old video game that I know will take all my focus, or start a new tv show that I know I’ll get fannish about, whatever.

This month has been hard because, frankly, it took me by surprise. It’s a little earlier than it should be and I haven’t had to deal with it as much in the past six months, so I guess I got out of the habit. I didn’t notice that I was starting to get kind of stressed and anxious over small stuff and was beating myself up for feeling normal human emotions. This is usually the big warning sign to me. I will latch onto a negative feeling I’m having and feel very guilty about it. I scratch at it like a healing scab. Then the spirals starts. So I have to keep a watch out for that.

But… like I said, I do tend to withdraw and feel guilty about talking about these things. I feel guilty for wanting to depend on others because I feel like that’s asking too much, a miserable person like me demanding attention from people who are too good for me. And once I start withdrawing into myself and not talking to those around me, things get worse.

Like I said!!! Your brain is abusive and it wants to separate you from your support system — so it makes you feel like a bad person for even wanting a support system.

(I find that it helps, actually, to frame it like that. I can tell that my thoughts are starting to get irrational and it’s like “oh, THIS asshole is back to say mean things to me again.”)

So… idk, I’m trying to talk about it. I figure that I tagged this post appropriately and put multiple warnings on it, so anyone who is reading this wants to be here. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of support, maybe because they deal with these things, too. idk.

I’m basically telling my mean brain that fuck you, it’s good to talk about my feelings and no one hates me for it.

Because… this is the big thing… I was thinking about that one Tumblr post… the one that was like “the me in your head is nice to you, right?”

I want the me in your head to be so nice to you. I want the me in your head to hold you and tell you you’re a good person and that I love you. Even if I don’t know you. I want the me in your head to be so damn comforting.

I love the idea of being a comfort to people. That’s… why I write so much of why I write, I think. There’s nothing that chokes me up like finding out I’ve managed to comfort someone that I don’t even know. Is there anything more beautiful than comforting and supporting others in this bitch of a world?

NO we gotta be kind.

So… if I want the me in your head to be so, so kind, why do I feel so guilty for wanting the you in my head to be nice to me, too? Why do I feel like I am so innately unlovable that even fantasizing about someone loving me could stain them somehow? Like I will stain their clothes with my own awfulness.

I DON’T. I don’t feel that way. I have been doing so much better lately. I have been reaching out to people and doing fun things and spending time with people and thinking about loving people and them loving me back. I’ve thought about people loving me!!! And I’ve started to have the creeping hope that it could happen! That I am worthy of love.

Guys, I’ve been better. I know that all sounds like not much, but it’s been so easy for me to convince myself that no one will ever love me because I’m sick, I’m disabled, I’m unattractive, I’m unkind, I’m cringe, I’m annoying, I’m selfish, etc. It’s been so easy for me to find a million excuses for why I, out of all the people on this earth, will never be loved.

So… feeling hope that that’s not true is actually a very big thing for me, and something that I’ve been delighting in recently.

All the things in my head are fake and mean and… you know, hormones. That’s all.

Idk, this was meant to be a discussion of one small part of PMDD but I guess it ended up being a ramble about a lot of things. I’ll admit that it’s much more difficult for me to be focused and eloquent when I’m dealing with these symptoms. I had a moment where I wanted to apologize to anyone still reading this, but — instead I’ll thank you for spending your time with my words. For whatever reason you decided to do it, for whatever reason you’re still here, I appreciate that you did it.

I want the version of you in my head to be nice. And I want to thank you for being nice. And I want to be nice to you, too.

In conclusion

Now I’m gonna go take my medication and be quiet for a while.

[rollercoasterwords]

hey rae, i’m experiencing a bit of a moral dilemma (ish) bc like… i’ve always more or less had this view that its wrong on some level to like “police” people on the kind of media they are creating, even mainstream tbh and now… well… let’s just say a little bee flew in rather aggressively into my eardrums and it won’t stop buzzing about the moral implications and suddenly the pretty stable ground that i was standing on is slowing crumbling beneath my feet but like… that’s okay??? i’m accepting the fall bc i’m actually always thrilled to free fall. that is to say, i love the way things around me can make me question my own ideas of what i believe to be true sometimes like i love love love it. i love looking at smth ekth a new lens and more information and then yk, rebuilding thag ground with more stable material. anyways, sry i’m rambling, but you see, everything this bee was buzzing abt started to increasingly make more sense and like, i started to rly think about it in the way of like… evaluating the consequences right? like if a specific media trope has very real contributions to a stigma abt a certain group and manifests in the society in multiple ways, then rly, why can’t i condemn it? bc the way i used to look at it was like “well yes, the media is harmful, but like, i also don’t think we have the right to dictate other people’s liberties when it come to art”. but now… especially considering that this “art” is mainstream and like reaches millions of people, why tf not? bc when you rly put it on the scale, what has more weight, ppl being mad/annoyed that engaging with this is “bad” and they shouldn’t/ being limited in creating it or ppl suffering the real life implications of this. and to make myself a little clearer, the specific thing thag kinda made me realize this more was how media a lot of the times portrays certain mental illness in an overly negative and harmful way, and how in thrn, society discriminates against those individuals in part bc of the skewed perception thag media has portrayed about them. and i feel like this kinda of made me like… think more about this view that i used to defend strongly, and kinda of go, wait, hold up… and i’m still a little like… conflicted bc as much as like i say this, i don’t think there are any viable means of like combatting this issue bc at the end of the day, what creators for mainstream media want is money and these things get them money and so it’s never rly gonna stop, and i still am a little iffy on the idea thag it’s essentially like… an objective moral no no, but like i can see the other side more clearly and it’s just… man it’s so frustrating in a way. and like as much as some ppl may engage with their media critically and liek recognize these stereotypes and shit, a majority of ppl don’t and it’s so frustrating to see itttt. but yeah, idk im still like… gathering materials before fully building this floor, but like, what are your thoughts on this if any? (i’m literally going to everyone with this i an truly a menace, i need to talkkkk abt it like the way this brings me so much joy) (unfortunately i don’t have many ppl in my life that care or are willing to talk to me abt these things) (enter: rae)

hello!! interesting questions!! love that u are embracing the freefall of having a core belief challenged + opening urself to new ways of thinking rather than growing defensive + closing urself off!!

so, what i wanna start off by saying here is this: there is a very broad middle ground between "this art is bad and shouldn't exist/shouldn't be interacted with at all" versus "everyone should just create whatever they want with disregard for the consequences."

because different forms of art are going to be doing different things, reaching different audiences, and sending different messages. and there are plenty of ways that art/literature/media/etc can be harmful. for example, this recent open letter to the new york times is a great example of a critique on the way in which the nytimes' coverage of trans "issues" causes real-life harm to trans people. in this sort of instance, it's not okay for the nytimes to just continue writing as they have, however they want, because they have certain journalistic responsibilites which include not promoting/perpetuating harm against marginalized groups (not that they have an especially great track record in that regard, but i digress). part of critically evaluating media is evaluating whether that media has harmful real-life implications, and, if it does, figuring out whether/how to engage with that media in a way that does not perpetuate that harm.

so like--with the example you're talking about, portrayals of mental illness that contribute to stigma. part of evaluating those portrayals is going to start with asking what kind of media you're looking at, who it's reaching, and what it's trying to do. for example--a movie made by a large hollywood studio that's profiting off a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness, reaching a broad audience, and contributing to widespread misconceptions is tangibly harmful, and it makes sense to vocally critique that portrayal or perhaps even encourage people not to engage with the movie at all, as it is profiting off something harmful. additionally, hollywood movies are invested in perpetuating a capitalist system such that they will often have an underlying goal of spreading messages/ideas that support that capitalist system, so there is much more to be wary of there in the intent of the media.

a fanfiction on the internet written by an individual that contains a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness is something that is not accruing profit, not reaching a broad audience, and not harmful in the same way. an individual writing fanfiction on the internet is also not invested in perpetuating broader systems of capitalistic power in the same way a hollywood movie studio is, so the intent of their art is likely different. a better route here is probably to reach out to the individual, who probably wrote this portrayal out of ignorance and would most likely be open to educating themself and avoiding such portrayals in the future. this is a better response than trying to "cancel" the person completely, because it works to build community and has a much more direct impact in breaking the stigma around mental illness by educating an individual who previously internalized those stigmatized views.

when you're trying to critically evaluate a piece of media that contains something you view as potentially harmful, here are some important questions to ask:

who is making this? why are they making it? what is the stated goal of the creator(s) in creating this specific piece of media? are there any other goals that the creator is leaving unsaid?

who is the intended audience of this media? how large is that audience? in what ways is this media catered to appeal to that audience? what responsibilities does the creator hold towards that audience? will the audience response be monolithic, or is there room for varied impact amongst members of the same audience?

is this media a lecture or a conversation? is this media presenting a moral truth that i am expected to accept? or is it presenting moral questions and encouraging me to draw my own conclusions?

what role does profit play in the creation + distribution of this media? what systems of power is this media invested in upholding, if any? what institutions is this media invested in upholding, if any?

these are all questions which, depending on the answers, are going to change your evaluation on the media. this post kind of sums up what i mean, and i talk more here about when art becomes truly harmful. but also, i want to emphasize--engaging with media critically and coming to the conclusion that something is harmful is not the same thing as policing media, at least in my opinion. policing implies reinforcing set rules for how someone can or cannot create/engage with media, which doesn't allow for the necessary flexibility needed for actual critical thought. i think it's also important to note that policing typically says "if this media is Bad, you must destroy it/ignore it completely." but critically engaging with media means acknowledging harmful media when it exists, and analyzing why it exists + what it's trying to do. it also means acknowledging that not all media is going to fit cleanly into the harmful/harmless dichotomy. sometimes media will contain harmful stereotypes or stigmatizing portrayals in one sense, and really important representation or progressive ideas in another sense. other times, a portrayal that feels stigmatizing to one person will feel like representation to another. part of engaging critically with media means evaluating what it's doing as a whole and accounting for both the good and the bad. at the end of the day, we can't solve problems by refusing to engage with them at all, y'know?

[forever-a-misfit]

7.15.2023

wow, shit is crazy. 

this is the first time in YEARS that I hop on my laptop & immediately decide to check my tumblr. dont get me wrong, i still have the app on my phone & check it every now & then; but i feel like its not the same experience as it once was when i was younger.

i went through my blog, pictures & hashtags. wow, how i’ve changed. clearly ive grown a lot & continued with my progressive & radical ways hahaha. i was such a baby back then talking about “wild” ideas while everyone continued to soak in their ignorance. basically no one has a chance anymore. you either grow or leave me alone.

anyways.

i’m not here to rant, this post is more for my personal time capsule than it is anything else. i doubt anyone will read this anyways, i just be talking to myself. unfortunately girl, A LOT has changed. just last week one of the worst moments of my life happened. i really lost 1/2 of me.

there are seriously no words for that kinda loss. the funeral’s not till August & i’m terrified of what ill become after that day. the mourning period seems to have passed but i really think im going to break down all over again when that day comes.

idk what else to really say here, but i needed to write something & get it outside of my head for a while. it feels nice to hear those “clickity clacks” from the keyboard hahahaha. i do wish i had the strength to journal it all out but sadly my wrist still be buggin. at least i still have tumblr. man tumblr was really THAT GORL back in the days, i miss her :( i used to come on here to post whatever bullshit i liked, had online mutuals for YEARS & was so young & carefree. now this fucking bag of bricks ripped open over my head, it made me feel the pain that my teenage brain thought it had already experienced.

there’s always the good & the bad to growing up. i’ve finally reached the level of being a woman that i’ve always wanted to. happily single for idk how many years now hahaha. been at my job for 4 going on 5 years (even though that might change soon) but sadly i haven’t gone back to finish school. man i miss college. i also really miss the great friends i met there. i hope theyre doing well. the downside to all of this is: life really smacked the shit outta me recently that nothing i’ve learned & gone through can help me out in this moment. yeah yeah yeah i know i’m strong or whatever, but like????????? 

okay now it’s starting to sound like a rant HAHAHAHAHAHA i be lyyyying

okay okay foreal now. if you managed to read all this thanks. i dont know if anything made sense but as i mentioned before, it’s for me & my digital time capsule. 

also, don’t come at me for not capitalizing certain words/letters, i’m not here for a fucking grade hahahaha if you’ve seen my previous text posts, most aren’t properly typed out anyways. idc

well Phia i hope shit gets better. <3

[ 7.6.19** - 7.5.2023 ] te voy a extranar 

[briannajohnson1512]

What are the best ways to quickly improve your mental health?

Staying positive. It's important to try to have a positive outlook; some ways to do that include Finding balance between positive and negative emotions. Staying positive doesn't mean that you never feel negative emotions, such as sadness or anger. You need to feel them so that you can move through difficult situations. They can help you to respond to a problem. But you don't want those emotions to take over. For example, it's not helpful to keep thinking about bad things that happened in the past or worry too much about the future. Trying to hold on to the positive emotions when you have them Taking a break from negative information. Know when to stop watching or reading the news. Use social media to reach out for support and feel connected to others but be careful. Don't fall for rumors, get into arguments, or negatively compare your life to others.

Bob Tewksbury Mental Skills Coaching, LLC

Practicing gratitude, which means being thankful for the good things in your life. It's helpful to do this every day, either by thinking about what you are grateful for or writing it down in a journal. These can be big things, such as the support you have from loved ones, or little things, such as enjoying a nice meal. It's important to allow yourself a moment to enjoy that you had the positive experience. Practicing gratitude can help you to see your life differently. For example, when you are stressed, you may not notice that there are also moments when you have some positive emotions. Gratitude can help you to recognize them.

Taking care of your physical health, since your physical and mental health are connected. Some ways to take care of your physical health include Being physically active. Exercise can reduce feelings of stress and depression and improve your mood. Getting enough sleep. Sleep affects your mood. If you don't get a good sleep, you may become more easily annoyed and angry. Over the long term, a lack of quality sleep can make you more likely to become depressed. So it's important to make sure that you have a regular sleep schedule and get enough quality sleep every night. Healthy eating. Good nutrition will help you feel better physically but could also improve your mood and decrease anxiety and stress. Also, not having enough of certain nutrients may contribute to some mental illnesses. For example, there may be a link between low levels of vitamin B12 and depression. Eating a well-balanced diet can help you to get enough of the nutrients you need.

Connecting with others. Humans are social creatures, and it's important to have strong, healthy relationships with others. Having good social support may help protect you against the harms of stress. It is also good to have different types of connections. Besides connecting with family and friends, you could find ways to get involved with your community or neighborhood. For example, you could volunteer for a local organization or join a group that is focused on a hobby you enjoy.

Developing a sense of meaning and purpose in life. This could be through your job, volunteering, learning new skills, or exploring your spirituality.

Developing coping skills, which are methods you use to deal with stressful situations. They may help you face a problem, take action, be flexible, and not easily give up in solving it.

Meditation, which is a mind and body practice where you learn to focus your attention and awareness. There are many types, including mindfulness meditation and transcendental meditation. Meditation usually involves quiet location with as few distractions as possible specific, comfortable posture. This could be sitting, lying down, walking, or another position. A focus of attention, such as a specially chosen word or set of words, an object, or your breathing An open attitude, where you try to let distractions come and go naturally without judging them

Relaxation techniques are practices you do to produce your body's natural relaxation response. This slows down your breathing, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces muscle tension and stress. Types of relaxation techniques include Progressive relaxation, where you tighten and relax different muscle groups, sometimes while using mental imagery or breathing exercises Guided imagery, where you learn to focus on positive images in your mind, to help you feel more relaxed and focused Bio feedback, where you use electronic devices to learn to control certain body functions, such as breathing, heart rate, and muscle tension self-hypnosis, where the goal is to get yourself into a relaxed, trance-like state when you hear a certain suggestion or see a specific cue Deep breathing exercises, which involve focusing on taking slow, deep, even breaths

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT BOB TEWKSBURY

“Tewks talked about different things as far as the mental side of the game, and building that relationship with him I had a trust where I could go and bounce things off of him. He’s a no BS guy. I knew he wouldn’t pussyfoot around with me. I knew if I asked him a question, he would give me an honest answer, both on the pitching side and on the mental side. I knew I would get that from him.” – Jon Lester, MLB Pitcher

Too know more visit:

https://bobtewksbury.com/services/

[thepoliticsofexisting]

Thanks for connecting.

I didn’t hate my parents when I was young, but I did hate that it didn’t seem like I was fitting well with them. My fantasies often included sadness at the thought of their deaths but it was way more focused on the eventual freedom.

My parents had each been raised by narcissistic (their parents were way more concerned with their own personal drama than their child’s welfare) parents in their own rights and came away from that determined not to repeat the cycle but without doing much or any unpacking (this is kinda as far as I can tell based on things I’ve learned as an adult). Both of their families are also basically what I call ND families - these are families that have had autism/adhd/etc. traits so commonly and frequently over the generations that the family culture now accommodates certain ND behaviors as the norm. (I think other ND people have probably investigated and explained this phenomena better than me; it ties in with familial traditions and customs and can be highly local.) I’ve encountered quite a few households besides my own each with their own unique ND customs. So both my parents came from households where people didn’t show any physical affection for one another. They also didn’t show very much emotional affection to one another.

So my parents were very focused on being part of our lives but not for emotional support. I honestly think they just never had an example so they didn’t know how to be emotionally supportive parents. Like I think my father genuinely believed attending my concerts and then picking them apart with a fine-tooth comb on the car ride home when I was 11-12 was being a Top Level Parent because he did actually attend my performance and he showed interest in it by engaging with it critically. He didn’t realize that to a child he’d just demonstrated ‘we put on a happy show in public but when we’re alone I will detail to you every flaw possible’. Without any good emotional support following that up I think it’s easy for people in the middle of identity creation to take that to heart in a very bad way.

They were also concerned with raising Good children. (They were coming off cultural run of 2nd? satanic panic and the like; my mother meant the best and she wanted us to be safe, so at 5 yrs I was more scared of single men with candy and puppies than almost anything else.) They really believed there were a bunch of Bad and Lazy parents out there teaching their children bad habits and that we would be victims of this thought contagion without their intervention - I remember the participation trophy symbolized this to my father as he coached my earliest sports teams. They saw other parents that lathered their children in uncritical praise as discouraging the children from self-improvement. I think the logic is if a child gets disproportionately rewarded for an achievement then they won’t be motivated to do other things without similar or bigger rewards and That’s Not How Life Works.

So they were constantly reminding us not to be too proud of our work and that there were millions of people better than us. No matter how good we got, we could never be the best. So at this point in time, a very big part of being a Good Child was Humility. And Humility meant never ever drawing any attention to yourself whatsoever (because as a child you don’t have anything to add to the conversation; it’s your place to learn from the experiences of others).

And I think all of this just festered inside me. I wanted to be a Good Child. I see now that I was mentally ill but so much of it seems to result from just not having an environment that was good for me in my very early childhood.

And even now I guess I’m still trying to find a ‘baseline’ environment from which I can grow in a natural healthy way for me.

A lot of this is a personal account of my childhood which I posted because @magicalballerinaprincess was kind enough to reach out. Thank you.

(Sorry in advance if this is confusing; I don’t have all the word spoons right now.)

saw these tags left by @thepoliticsofexisting and didn't want to blow up op's post to be off topic, and have too much to say/too many images to put in an ask or pm - hope you don't mind me posting this, just wanted to add my two cents.

Yeah, honestly. I didn't even hate my parents or think they were bad. Even after all this I don't fully consider them abusive, but I still daydreamed about them dying so I could be an orphan and go on adventures. If I had considered them abusive, I would be a lot more angry and vengeful about them rather than just sad, because in this case their deaths would be traumatic and hurt me.

I would consider my situation to be... I was extremely mentally ill and my parents didn't know how to care for an extremely mentally ill child, and my mother had to work through a lot of stuff. I have a good relationship with both of them now, but in my case it was mostly about being in a bad situation overall (not liked or supported at school, severely mentally ill, parents really struggling with me) and wanting to leave it, not that I even disliked them.

I relate to your stuff about 'sociopathy' too but don't have much to add. I never felt much guilt over it.

[hunniebunnietarot]

Featuring my smudged little drawings. Enjoy!

Also, I know the drawing won't be for everybody, I just wanted to do something creative.

Pile 1

This person is very knowledgeable, could possibly be more on the spiritual side. They value family alot and will be protective if you should ever create your own family together. They are independent in their decision making, especially when it comes to work matters. Their competitive nature shines through when they have an opportunity to further themselves. I’m also haering they’ll do anything to protect those that they love. They’re a great problem solver, not in an “authoritative” kind of way but instead more in a nurturing and soft manner. This person obviously has duality when it comes to their personal life and professional life; At work they are very serious and cutthroat then at home a more calm and sweet personality. They could have a certain level of discontentment with the work that they do but they still work very hard as a sacrifice for the family that you two (could) have together. They are very selfless and family oriented. Your future spouse is very good, they know how to have a successful partnership, aware that sacrifice is required from both parties sometimes to reach complete satisfaction. The word “safe” keeps resurfacing in my mind, this person is the definition of a protector. They quite like taking on this role, they are going to want to be the one in the relationship that takes the lead. They don’t like sharing “power” so if you’re the kind of person that is more dominant there might be a power struggle between you two.

(Possible) Physical Appearance

Red Aura

-A big smile

-Dyed hair

-Glowy skin

-Skinny

-Muscular

-Tall

-Full lips

Pile 2

This is an intelligent person, more logic minded. They could seem very guarded to you when you two first meet, could be an air sign. They aren’t easy to open up and are very stuck in their ways; a stubborn nature. Your future spouse could be a bad communicator because of overthinking(?). They have a different thought process than most which could be because of some kind of condition or mental illness. Even though they are quiet and guarded, they have a good heart. They are generous, maybe even give away second chances easily. Could be a “Everyone deserves a second chance” kind of nature. They’re very proud of their achievements and the knowledge that they’ve gained through their pursuit of higher education and through their work. They’re passionate about learning and investing in themselves. Since they are more of the observing type they tend to see past whatever facade people put up. This person typically has good judgment when it comes to other people, or even could have a talent in reading people They don’t like dictator personalities, people who don’t have good intentions when it comes to other; so they tend to have an inclination to fight for good, to challenge those in authority positions and hold them accountable. They could be an activist of some sort, or work at some kind of non-profit organization.

(Possible) Physical Appearance

Green Aura

-Defined cupid's bow

-Tall

-Tattoos

-Intimidating

-Nose piercing

-Has a beard

-Baby face

Pile 3

This person is confident and sure of themselves, I'm getting fire energy from them(fire sign). When they go through bad situations they go through them, it’s very bad and they feel very down. Putting pressure on them would definitely make them spiral into a depressive episode, completely the opposite of their usually confident demeanor. They’re successful in financial matters, content in the success they have thus far. They could be impulsive, maybe even short-tempered. The thing I described before could suggest that their emotions switch at the blink of an eye. They could be vengeful, meaning they don’t ever forfeit someone that does wrong by them. They assess and make a plan to get back at people because they believe in equality(obviously something they could work on). They have the capability to change these “negative” aspects of themselves, and they probably will by the time you two come into union. This person may live at a distance from you, or they just like to travel and could want to take trips with you often. 

(Possible) Physical Appearance

(Pls ignore my failed attempt at drawing forehead wrinkles lol)

Purple/Violet Aura

-Short

-Dimples

-Forehead wrinkles

-Mature figure

-Thin lips

-Dark cirlces

-Defined cupid's bow

Pile 4

This person likes the outdoors, they find their peace of mind there. They could find it difficult to understand people that think outside of the box or just someone that has different ideals than them. The cause of this is their confidence in how they think, so it’s not easy to change that. They will defend their beliefs because they see it as what’s “right”. They really love what they do for a living, it gives them complete fulfillment so they put their all into it to reap the best benefits. Seriously, they really do get into lots of arguments/conflict because they believe their way is the only way. They’re a workaholic, so they do not like taking breaks from work. Your future spouse clearly lacks balance in their life as a result. They may have grown up with little to nothing, so it is their top priority to secure stability.

(Possible) Physical Appearance

Green Aura

-Stand out birth mark/beauty mark

-Clef chin

-Thick neck

-Freckles

-Wears glasses

-Hairy arms

-Chubby

This took so long, I hope this resonates for some.

[jasminesilk]

Nightmare Legacy Challenge for the Sims 4

Rules written by @matchacake, challenge inspired by @lilsimsie‘s current LP over on her YouTube channel!

The challenge is simple – complete 10 sim generations with the same family, but on short lifespan! Complete the challenge on story mode or nightmare mode for even more suffering!

Disclaimer: This is by no means a new take on the classic legacy challenge, and I’m sure there are many other challenges out there that are very similar! I’ve just been binge-watching lilsimsie’s current LP whilst suffering a bad flare-up of my chronic illness and felt so inspired that I pulled out my old gaming laptop so I could play something similar in bed! Now that I’m going into gen 2 I thought I would write up some rules that I could personally follow, and have decided to share them here with you. xo

- rules and more info below the cut -

Create the Founder:

Use the story function in CAS to create your founder. (For this, I recommend being as random as possible with your answers to the quiz. Don’t even look at them if you can avert your gaze as you click, choose only the top answers, only the middle ones, etc.)

Must be a YA.

Founder must be a mortal (no supernaturals).

You can randomly create multiple sims doing this and pick your favorite as your founder if you wish. You CANNOT however change their traits/aspiration once you leave CAS, so keep that in mind!*

Pets are allowed but not recommended.

Getting Started:

Move your single sim into a starter home that they can afford (no free real estate cheat) either furnished (story mode) or unfurnished (nightmare mode).

Once you've moved in and are settled, cheat household funds down to 0. If playing on nightmare mode you are allowed to keep 1800, but it must be used on furnishing your house. Household funds must be less than 100 when you click that play button!

Don’t forget to put lifespan on short!

Optional: Turn off aging for unplayed households. This isn’t required, but will help keep your sims worlds full and lively since they all die so quickly on short lifespan.

Story Mode Goals:

Complete your aspiration before becoming an elder.

Reach level 10 of your career.

Max 2 skills.

Have at least one child.

Nightmare Mode Goals:

Complete two aspirations in your lifetime. You may switch between them as you go. *If playing on this mode: Once you leave CAS with your founder you can pick any other aspiration you like to be their second, but it CANNOT be in the same aspirational category (ie. if your sim has the soulmate aspiration, you cannot also give them the serial romantic aspiration).

Reach level 10 of your career.

Max 3 skills.

Have at least one child.

Challenge Rules to Follow:

As with most challenges, cheats (unless otherwise specified) are not allowed!

You cannot move another sim into your household unless they are your fiancee/spouse.

All future children must be given traits with the randomizer (no picking and choosing for yourself).

Number of children each generation has is completely up to you. Keep in mind certain aspirations will require you to have multiple kids!

Next gen heir must also be picked randomly. Have them roll, pick names out of a hat, etc.

Your next gen starts as soon as you complete all goals and your heir is a young adult!

Do this for 10 generations, but each generation heir MUST have a different aspiration and career. All traits can be used more than once (as we have such a limited supply to begin with).

You may use the potion of youth if you can afford it, but it can only be used ONCE PER GENERATION and only on adults or elders (no young adults). For Nightmare Mode, you may only use the potion of youth if your sim is already an elder and close to passing (this is mainly so your sims have at least SOME time with their grandparents since elders on short lifespan pass away so quickly).

I’m still playtesting this challenge myself, so please check this post for any possible updates I may make! My one tip for this challenge would be to embrace the randomness :) Good luck and happy simming. xo

ps. Use the hashtag #nightmarelegacy so I can see your gameplay!

[wordsnstuff]

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing About Mental Illness

Patreon || Ko-Fi || Masterlist || Work In Progress

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Reinforcing Stereotypes

This goes without saying, but neurodivergent people (and characters) each experience and cope with their mental illnesses differently. Schizophrenia is not simply hallucinations. Depression is not simply feeling suicidal. Anxiety is not simply consistent fear or unease. Your character, depending on what causes/triggers their symptoms, will present their mental illnesses differently, both on the inside and outside. A person’s experience of mental illness is affected by their environment, their background, their priorities, their personality, and their other struggles. Reflect this in their story, rather than reading a long list of general symptoms and checking them off in your draft. 

1 Symptom Sally

Mental illness affects every aspect of an individual’s life. It’s more complicated and far-reaching than simply “having a harder time than everyone else”. Depression, for instance, is frequently portrayed with an acute emphasis on the symptoms of fatigue, lack of motivation, and sadness. However, depression has a lot of symptoms that many aren’t aware are connected to the illness, such as executive dysfunction, irritability, and sickness. Even those with a general diagnosis of a mental illness aren’t going to have that diagnosis just because they feel sad a lot of the time. There must be more, and it must be shown.  

Romanticizing Suicide

There’s a delicate balance between depicting the reality and gravity of suicidal thoughts/ideation and making it sound appealing. If you’re reading a story, narrated by a character who has suicidal tendencies, it’s inevitable that their thought process will justify or rationalize those thoughts. Approach this with care, and remember that as a writer, you have influence over your readers (whether intentionally or not), and you should prioritize the responsibility you have to avoid romanticizing suicide over the task of portraying it accurately. Some things simply hurt more than they help. 

Generalizing Experiences

Mental illness is inconsistent. Some people display two or three symptoms that are easily recognized, but some experience symptoms most don’t even associate with those illnesses at all. For example, generalized anxiety disorder can present in individuals with a more physically debilitating set of effects, rather than primarily manifesting in feelings of fear or unease. Yes, anxiety is the state of being anxious, but it can also be sensory overload, executive dysfunction, flu-like illness, and fatigue. Every mental illness is unique to the individual who struggles with it, so be aware that your characters should be representing that reality as well. 

Ignoring Coping Mechanisms

Most people who have a mental illness that has progressed to the point of seeking a diagnosis and perhaps treatment have established various levels of coping mechanisms. These can be things like substance abuse or self harm, but they can also be more subtle, like hyper-fixation on media they like or excessive reliance on friends or family. If you’re going to write a character with a mental illness, you should know what they have to do to get through the day. What exercises have they adopted to adapt to their situation? What effect have these mechanisms had on their lifestyle and relationships?

Illnesses Having No Effect On Relationships

Mental illness, especially after having struggled with them for a long period, affects who we are, how we behave and interact, and changes our priorities and thought process. It’s inevitable that it will impact our relationships with other people. In order to accurately depict this experience, you have to also know the characters on the other side, who are maintaining a relationship with your neurodivergent character. What are their thoughts on mental health? How well do they understand what your character is experiencing? Are they more likely to want to be there for or distance themselves from the character because of their mental illness? Strain on relationships can be a very distinct part of a neurodivergent person’s experience with mental illness, and it’s important to represent that. The stigma is still very real and shows up regularly, even in little ways, and in a more accommodating world.

Extreme Cases Only

Some people experience mental illness on a chronic level, others do not. There’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, which tends to only present symptoms in certain periods of the year for various reasons, for example. It could be classified as a “less severe” form of depression, and it’s very common. Not all depression is the same, and it doesn’t always result in severe cases of suicidal ideation or self harm. If you only depict characters in the most extreme cases, who experience their symptoms at the highest level at all times, you may be reinforcing stereotypes about neurodivergence that have taken decades to dismantle. Not everyone with mental illness has an extreme case, and pretending they do can reinforce the idea that all neurodivergent people are “crazy”. 

Good Days vs. Bad Days

Neurodivergent individuals usually experience their symptoms on a wide spectrum of severity. There are good and bad days, and everything in between. Sure, some days, one may experience virtually no symptoms and be very happy and productive, and be totally unable to maintain their composure on others. However, the majority of the time is occupied by a middle ground. Days where a person isn’t constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but they struggle to accomplish their typical agenda, and they feel a variety of symptoms at noticeable, but more manageable level. Symptoms can also intensify steadily and endure for variable periods of time. 

Curing Mental Illness With Romance

Let me say this clearly, and insist you don’t argue: mental illness cannot be cured by a relationship. I admit that new relationships or positive attention can offset symptoms, but if a character’s mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) miraculously resolves because a new partner comes into their life, they either weren’t mentally ill in the first place, or you have misunderstood mental illness. There can be months or even years where someone can go without experiencing their symptoms at a noticeable level, but they will always be neurodivergent, and a new partner isn’t going to change that. That portrayal minimizes the experience of mental illness and trivializes symptoms people suffer with every single day. Do not do this. Please. Just don’t. You can say your character has prolonged period of sadness, but you cannot slap the word “depression” on them, then have all their symptoms disappear because they’ve got a hot date.

Not Every Illness Is Caused By Trauma

This is simply a point of knowledge more writers should have a grasp of. Mental illness can be caused by genetics, chemical imbalances, deficiencies, severe and prolonged stress, longterm health conditions, social isolation or loneliness, etc. It’s natural that in a fictional story where mental illness may be an important aspect, that trauma is one of the more sensational causes to apply to your character, but if you have a cast with diverse experiences of neurodivergence, it’s unlikely that all of them will have a basis in trauma. Neurodivergence is not a one-size-fits-all. 

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Masterlist | WIP Blog

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[peach-astrology]

Neptune in the houses.

Neptune in the first house:

1)Charisma even with the wrong facial features,which blooms especially brightly in the photo.This is the position of the planet had Marilyn Monroe.

2)Falling in love with an unattainable object – a movie actor,a singer,an inaccessible beauty,for example,the one in the mirror:)

3)They have a certain taste that they design on clothing and the interior of the house.I often meet such people with blue or green eyes.

4)They are very friendly and compassionate.They can be the people to talk to and cry to.

5)With bad aspects,a person may have mental illness.

Neptune in the second house:

1)They are prone to reckless spending,they can spend their entire salary on a certain thing that they literally "fell in love"with.

2)With a strong position of the planet and the absence of negative aspects,the native can really achieve success and earn good money in art,chemistry and medicine.

3)Big money can come to them in an unusual or unexpected way.And also mysteriously disappear...

4)When Neptune is affected,people can feel a lot of guilt,even where they were not at fault.

5)I really recommend keeping a money-book.This way your money will be under your guidance.There is no other way to work out this position of the planet.

Neptune in the third house:

1)It is most convenient for such people to learn through pictures and examples from life.They may not count well in their minds,for example.(But you still need to look at Mercury)

2)They can be good writers,bloggers,or singers.

3)Because of problems in the parent family,such a person often lives with one of the relatives.

4)When the planet is hit,a person can be absent-minded,do poorly in school,be very shy and have bad relationships with siblings.

5)With a strong Neptune,a person can be a good teacher(he feels other people when talking)

Neptune in the fourth house:

1)A person has problems with one of the parents who may have liked alcohol or illegal substances.Or he died early.Often,such people may still have a parent who is ill with something,who needed a lot of care.

2)Their parents may have been of different nationalities.Their house often had guests.

3)With bad aspects,a person could run away from home or leave it at an early age.

4)They relax through privacy.During this time,you can draw,meditate,or watch a movie.

5)This position of Neptune is good for social workers who are able to realize their talents for the common good,preferably within a large organization that will give them a lot of clients,colleagues and suitable motivation for their work.

Neptune in the fifth house:

1)Low self-esteem or,conversely,skillful psychological manipulation of others.

2)If the position of the planet is not worked out,a person can turn his head from the beloved.He can idealize his image,add too much romance.

3)By nature,human is a very gentle,kind and merciful person.He has charisma and sex appeal.

4)They could be very troubled children.

5)Pregnant women with this situation should be VERY careful to monitor their health.

Neptune in the sixth house:

1)They may have unusual allergies or just a large number.

2)Their health can directly depend on the cleanliness of the house and their food.

3)They should not rely on others.Not everyone works honestly and correctly.Also PLEASE respect yourself and don't help everyone.

4)The best solution for a native is to work from home or to reach the level of a manager yourself,when you don't have to spend time on routine duties.And in order to build a successful business relationship,it is important to give up the use of alcohol and psychotropic drugs,because such a person gets used to them instantly.

5)With a weak Mars in the natal chart,there is idleness and a desire to frequently change the place of residence.

Neptune in the seventh house:

1)With a harmonious Neptune in the 7th house,the native radiates the energy of love and subconsciously waits for acceptance and sympathy when getting married,moving to a new job and entering a University.

2)When the planet is affected,idealistic expectations turn into broken dreams:it is difficult to join the team,do not accept it as it is,you have to sacrifice your interests.

3)Their partner may suffer from some kind of mental disorder and the person will help to cure it.

4)Such people need to learn to read their feelings and be able to make final decisions.

5)When choosing a job,a person should carefully study the personality of the manager,so as not to experience emotional abuse.

Neptune in the eighth house:

1)You have a very active imagination and a powerful imagination.You may have an interest in the supernatural,psychic phenomena,or the occult.You may have strange fantasies,vague fears of ghosts and death,so it is best not to engage in such things until you are firmly on your feet in the material world.

2)Prone to seeing strange dreams and nightmares.Often suffers from insomnia,may end up in a dream or under anesthesia.

3)Must keep track of the family's finances,their partner may have spent too much money.

4)Their relatives have occult abilities(maybe a human too).

5)Neptune is the most passive planet and sexually it leads to deep and Platonic love.Sex and bodily pleasures are not in the first place for him,the main thing is emotions and tenderness.

Neptune in the ninth house:

1)The karmic task is not to allow yourself to become a "stranger among your own",forgetting about the roots and national traditions,maintaining a balance between the desire for reform and respect for history.

2)He is actively interested in educational programs and social reforms.He likes to study and shows the ability to learn foreign languages,and strives to help people deprived of their freedom.

3)The defeat of the planet creates a danger of ignoring professional training and determines difficulties in communicating with relatives of a partner.

4)Very often such people are very demanding in love.

5)The advice is to deal with your thoughts and ideas.You can't combine incompatible things.Spend more time meditating and being alone to make important decisions.

Neptune in the tenth house:

1)Their work must be creative for career growth.

2)The weak position of the planet provokes intrigues and intrigues of colleagues and strained relations with the boss,and in a strong position,the sharpened intuition of the native will help to get away with it.

3)If their work is normal,they can modify it.For example,such a teacher can teach in an unusual way,and simply differ from others.

4)In a good position a person can give good advice.

5)Your father was a unique person, different from other people, or unpredictable in dealing with you. Perhaps his views were unstable or he was too headstrong, but in any case, he created his own unique life. You may have been separated from it, either literally or figuratively. By interacting with it, you have learned the need to stand firmly on your own two feet, not depend on anyone, and this imprint has formed one of the basic attitudes to life that you will follow as an adult.

Neptune in the eleventh house: 

1)In love,an incorrigible romantic.

2)When Neptune is stricken,it has unreliable friends.They should choose their environment carefully even at work.

3)Even the owner of Neptune in the 11th house often has low self-esteem,is shy to show their talents,hides in the shadow of others.Having a fine mental organization,it is vital for him to learn to punch his way with his elbows,so as not to be trampled by the crowd.

4)You can read people's feelings,but you can't distinguish between friend and foe.Paradox.

5)You are the friendliest of all houses!

Neptune in the twelfth house:

1)Such people often hide their feelings and attachments.

2)Like the sixth house you need to value yourself and your time and not help everyone.

3)There are a lot of talents not only in creativity,but also in other areas of life.

4)They literally feel the money,intuition saves them from bad deals.

5)They like not to respond to messages for a long time,not because of resentment,but simply because they are resting or sleeping ahaha.