#also i wanna try do more small talk !! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kitorin · 7 months ago

Text

I WANNA GET HIS NUMBER

#sou's thoughts #hi here to give context down here #i've been going to this badminton club #and there's this super sweet guy who i admire sm #bc i don't speak chinese at all and people keep assuming i do but never remember that i don't #BUT HE REMEMBERED I DON'T and even goes as far as speaking english for me and translating #like this lady started speaking to me in chinese and i was so lost BUT HE WAS NEARBY AND TRANSLATED FOR ME #school starts soon so tomorrow's my last day #since wechat won't work (mf won't let me sign up) i'm gonna ask for his number #also i wanna try do more small talk !!#idek his age yet and what he does i just know how long he's played #but he's super fun to play with so i want to invite him if i ever book courts during the term #he's literally my role model #i wanna make someone feel that welcome bc before i spoke to him i felt so left out #and kept telling myself that i should just push through and make use of being able to play with new people #now i've been so excited to go and speak to new people #anyways long ass ramble but wish me luck !!#ngl last time i made friends outside of school i did it by trading parent numbers #SO LIIIIIKE #i'm nervous

32 notes · View notes

gayboyrocklee · 11 months ago

Text

Love posting my Spotify receipts for the month bc you can always tell when I’ve had smth big to write for one of my classes bc the one Jash song (Dream (Outro from Calamity)) will make the receipt. I did not end up a Jashinator but I do like having a song I can rely on to make me write things.

#rian’s slay compilation #the first time I heard the song I was in a mood all da time so I really identified it w what splitting felt like #idk it doesn’t hit as much now bc I’ve undergone a different sort of mental illness lately (more tired than actively harmful to myself)#^it’s the way it picks up in intensity. that’s what it feels like when you try to communicate how smth feels but they don’t listen and then #go have fun at a concert and you feel so nauseous that you have to leave a shared group chat while you sob your eyes out for several hours.#y’know? anyway June/July was fun. I need four hours of build daily to keep me occupied (tired). it does actually do me wonders.#I’m so big and strong now. idk how big you are my lovely mutuals but I could lift the smaller ones I reckon.#right now I could pick up (not for long) anyone around or under 150 pounds. also preferably not super taller than me but I think it’d work.#it’s a start! I should start lifting. makes me feel big and strong. I wanna pick my friends up.#^sorry to derail this in the tags but I typed that up and was like ‘that’s such a King statement’. it’s bc someone liked a post where I #talked about feeling all overgrown and how King being half a foot shorter than me but still picking me up like a brides made me feel Not #Overgrown #I don’t worry about feeling overgrown so much anymore but I do kinda miss the bride lifting. it was nice every once in a while #it’s small things like that.#side note I think I could pick King up now bc they’re roughly my weight and as we established I can lift ppl about my weight very briefly #it’s the build. it makes me big and strong. it’s all the wood holding and platform throwing

10 notes · View notes

seariii · 9 months ago

Text

I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...

#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like....#like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot #but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself #i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete...#... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams...#I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it #people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to...#the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want...#i want...#my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording #since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio #its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh...#tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up #we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing...#... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me?#i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for #so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it...#once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy #i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep #seari talks

7 notes · View notes

thateclecticbitch · 4 months ago

Text

Request to move into basement failed. Sad.

#I just wanna have some more space and maybe host people and save money and acclimate to apartment living #and moving into the basement would do that #Not only is it big enough it's also fully finished. Carpeted and everything #Unfortunately my dad sleeps in there and doesn't want to be demoted to bedroom 2 #“I already got kicked out of the master!”#Um. Need I fucking remind you that being kicked out of the master is what saved your marriage my guy?#(He is a VERY violent sleeper and it caused Problems And Injuries And Arguments)#He calls it his “man cave” even though the only man cave thing about it us that he is a man sleeping and watching TV in it #He's always talking about nebulous plans to make it a mancave and then never follows though #bc he's a trash hoarder who keeps months of empty soda bottles piled up for no reason #and granted I also have messy room problems but at least I take out the trash and dirty dishes (if any) out of it every week #Meanwhile I know Exactly what I would do with the space #And I mean #Granted it /is/ going to be a hard sell trying to convince someone to downgrade to a child's bedroom #That could probably fit a full and still be comfortable but /definitely/ can't fit a queen #I tried to sell him on the large closet space (since that's something he's always complaining about not having any of at all)#Bc I will Happily downgrade to one of those garment racks if it means I can actually have space for all my music+art stuff #but no cigar :(#And listen #My room is small but it does have a decent amount of space so long as all of my belongings are contained #But They Have To Be Contained!#Which is really fucking hard to do when you own several large musical instruments and have ADHD

2 notes · View notes

sucrose-soymilk · 1 year ago

Text

hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better

#imagine that! the coping mechanism… helps!!! wow #Seven’s Small Thoughts #not tagging this as anything else bc this blog is really just a not-so-secret public diary #and im not really trying to gain any sort of following or participate in the community very much #i just wanna talk to the void abt regression every once in a blue moon y’know #i also feel like i don’t really belong in the community much/am not a Good Example of sfw agere since i’m very n/ s/ f/ w everywhere else #which is a double standard that i don’t hold others to but i feel like others will hold it against me??? and i’m just shy anyways #and not looking to interact. just wanna keep all this stuff tucked away in a side-blog #i also feel like a lot of the community likes to blog while actively regressed and i don’t wanna step in there as someone who isn’t #nothing wrong with it! at all! i just don’t have the capacity to since i go nonverbal when i regress. no thoughts head blissfully empty #anyways this wasn’t supposed to be a vent post let’s change the topic!#anywhooo what else did i come on here to say. oh yeah #i lowkey forgot how much regressing has helped me in the past until i was able to really indulge myself in it again recently #it’s so nice to just be small and hand someone else the reins and forget abt everything other than doing something you enjoy #maybe one day i’ll be at a point in my life where i can fully regress more freely and more often but for now i’ll take what i can get #i’m also excited because i’ve been thinking abt ordering a paci from this one specific seller #and yesterday saw that they’re dropping a new batch of fall/halloween themed ones today!!!#so now i’ve gotta make myself stay awake until 6pm so i can jump on it when they’re available #which is a small struggle considering my nocturnal sleep schedule but i will do it nonetheless #that crescent moon patterned one Will Be Mine #trying to decide between buttercup yellow and schoolbus yellow for the clip #i think i’m more drawn to the vibrancy of the schoolbus yellow honestly #eeeeeee i’m excited i’ve been wanting to treat myself to ordering from this shop for a g e s and im finally gonna do it

10 notes · View notes

pl4n · 8 months ago

Text

#my art #ive been so jsvgjsnsndjbdjks #just a big ol jumble of kahsjdbskdhi #and i wanna draw more but im so uninspired aahhaah #i kinda wanna do some studies or smth but ahhhh idk i also just wanna lie in bed when i can #i so tire #but being lazy and bored is also so exhausting haha it feeds itself #so yeah itd be good to try to push myself a bit in my free time to do smth kinda fun chill engaging #its crazy bc theres so much that i could be doing but i have such a hard time being self motivated...#so outside motivation like work or friends is the only reason i do literally anything #which sucks bc i have a lot of things id like to be able to do on my own but yeah. idk why its so hard to do things for myself #that being said if anyone sees this and wants to do lil drawing challenges or trades or smth together that might be niceee #im sort of painfully shy online haha tho im not so much irl #i think the thing abt it for me is the feeling of creating these lil digital footprints #like if i send a message or make a post its just preserved like that... forever.. actually i recently looked at emails from my childhood #and its really cool to see a slice of the past like that but still. idk why it bothers me tbh. i just never got used to it #memories fade and warp over time right? so it really feels like existing in the world and talking to people is just a passing moment #it doesnt really feel that way w the internet. as small and insignificant these small imprints might be #and im really just being neurotic but yeah. maybe i dont like the feeling of taking up space and slowly widening it with every little step #yea thats neurotic fr LOLL #anyways im really rambling away in these tags haha but if ima post this art anyway its such a good excuse to ramble into a void :D #and a good way to practice existing on the internet. im sure ill get used to it

3 notes · View notes

arklay · 2 years ago

Text

WIP DAY.

tagged by @girlbosselrond @morvaris @aartyom @risingsh0t @phillipsgraves @leviiackrman @indorilnerevarine & @denerims over the past month! sorry it's taken me so long to get to anything at all, i'm sure you guys have heard me address it enough, but thank you all so much for continuing to tag me in things while i've been inactive ♡

tagging @aelyosos @brujah @calenhads @florbelles @jendoe @lightwardens @liurnia @nokstella @nuclearstorms @shadowsofrose @shellibisshe @steelport @swordcoasts @wrymbloods @voerman & all of those who tagged me again cause i'm so behind + anyone else who'd like to share anything they're working on, not just writing! ♡

i haven't written anything since the last wip game i did, but i started trying to put diana's timeline together at the start of january, so i mean... i'll show that instead. as you can see, fatigue hasn't let me do much with it even though i've got all of her timeline already done and strewn about all over the place.

started with 1995 onwards cause it was originally going to be an ewskers timeline situation, but then wanted to include all of her backstory so i went back to the start and still have the late 80s and early 90s to get through before then, but yeah :]

it's going to include like all little moments i've thought of between the ewskers just for me and placing them on the timeline, so you can imagine how long this is going to get if i have to go to 2021 for village... like just 1996-1998 is going to be so much... she's very special to me if you couldn't tell already lmaoo

never sharing this though, it's just for me, and like will help for when i do her timeline page (more in-depth version of what's on her oc page) to just run through canon events and brief descriptions and whatnot. you understand.

everything is blurred out besides 1995 ewskers momence and the years, just cause like idk her i feel weird sharing her in-depth backstory unless it's in dms or something, just cause there's lots going on there and yeah. things. idk

i also made a carrd for twt if you wanna have a look at that :] there's some cheeky subtle things with the two resi items i used as pics hehe

actually, you know what, i'll give a lil bit from where i left of with that rewrite anyways, even though it's been months since i wrote it. but why not

Wesker left a fleeting kiss behind her ear then reached around her and hooked his fingers beneath her coat, prompting Diana to glance back at him. But all he did was gently pull it from her shoulders. She watched him from out of the corner of her eye as he hung it up on the rack by the door, his movements careful and almost calculated, until he turned back towards her, and the warmth of his body returned once more. He pressed up against her side this time, as opposed to her back, and one of his hands found a home on her waist. The way the arm it belonged to was resting firmly against her as he began leading her towards the kitchen was comforting, secure, yet unmistakably possessive. And she revelled in it. He had quite the knack for handling her just the way she wanted.

#tag games.#keep going to do picrews and just zoning out 😭 i'm so behind on literally everything but it's fine it's okay (lying)#i'm having a day and a half even though i woke up feeling okay but oh well. my last month has just been like watching videos during the day #or playing games when i have a bit more energy but like i can't do anything that requires me to actually read or write things like words #are just not computing in my brain at the moment but it's okay like i'm just exhausted and hoping soon i can get back to writing because i #still have over 30 wips going lmao but yeah it's been a time a half with lots of appointments and seeing specialists again and trying to #sort things out. i've been more active on twitter which i've mentioned before but it's just because like it's easier for me to sort of just #like and rt things and not having to do my organisation tags and things like i know that sounds so just small and simple but that's how #i've been lately like to my brain rn that seems like a really big task. so i just keep coming on here randomly for a few minutes then #disappearing so i'm sorry that i've definitely missed so much and i haven't been around to just show my appreciation and love to your #creations!! also just everything that happened in december and then a bit at the start of january too like i'm just a lil paranoid about #being on here honestly so i'm trying to get back to it and be okay with posting again and i'm going to make a promise to myself to actually #filter more tags i think? just to help me with like not exposing myself to things that do make me feel uncomfortable in any way!! i'm #rambling now but sorry sometimes i just need to lmaooo idk but yes so cute lil subtle things from my carrd i wanna talk about cause why not #i didn't have to change the blue herb from re0 besides making it brighter because it's already teal toned which is so sexy but i shifted #the hue on the spade key like SLIGHTLY like it was so little. but anyways. i use this emoji ✨ on my twitter name and yes cause sparkles but #also. three stars. the s.t.a.r.s. badge and logo :] then blue herb because i will have no poison in my safe space!!!! take a blue herb or #leave please!! only good vibes and safe space here!! spade key because i'm ace <3 i was going to include the diamond one in there as well #because am demiro and like those are the symbols in the community. ace of spades for ace. diamond for demis (both orientations)#but wasn't sure how to weave the pink through the rest of the carrd even though cyan and pink together is so pretty omg

25 notes · View notes

keeps-ache · 8 months ago

Text

blaaaauhhhghhgh [melting into a goop] aohhhghghhshabh

#just me hi #Blahhhaahahaaaaaaaaaaaa #oh BLOO #poo. ploo. bloop #i wanna work on my comic. sniff #'why don't you then' Becausssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse [wild vague gesturing]#balalaglalgaguauhuglhaslghuhsdgk #Bllllaaaaaaaaaahhhh #//when i speak in quotations that's more my other me talking than you just to be clear hbfvhsf #sometimes being contrary can look like being in full and unwavering support of the same things Lmaooo #me vs. the squaters in my brain (it was mutual for them to move in) (they are trying to be helpful (and are successful mostly (i'm just #being. well. contrary hfbshv)))#//but ye yea ye #my brother helped me set up my emulator and !!! and i can play sky on my puter now :DD #i woulda set it up but. i am always afraid i'll lose track of the directions hfhsh #i could have the instructions etched into my brain and i'm still going to be So sure i imagined them wrong or something lolll #//MAN. i should... [<- staring into the abyss very hard]#!!!!!!#i think i'm in a pocket of hyperness for some reason where did this come from Hfbsvbhf #/hey does being excited hurt sometimes lol #like if i don't throw it out somehow it feels like my chest is constricting and it'll do it to such an extent that i'll become a black hole #bhsf :>#when i was younger i just avoided things that made me too Whee cuz i didn't like it hfvbsh #but now i just sort of put it all into happy handing it so hard i hurt my wrists a lil hfhs :3 #//anyway my computer's getting hot oo #i should turn on my cooling thing #oh and also prolly finish this piece lol #/i might make it a small comic (love short comics sm (i have so many)) out of it but who knows hfh :>>#//duos my beloved <33

2 notes · View notes

oswhys · 1 year ago

Text

Hey could ads on tumblr not play music or sounds when I don’t event click on them? It would be great if ads didn’t constantly run while I’m using the app either. I’d also like it if ads didn’t just shove their way onto my screen on top of posts. I understand the need for ads, that they “need” to make money. But this website, this app, it’s bothersome enough to use with the constant horrible changes to the UI and policy that it doesn’t need literal pop up ads.

#tumblr #my stuff #sorry I just can’t stand it anymore #I can’t use that app without turning down my volume otherwise an ad will start playing music super loudly #I won’t even talk about what the did to the dashboard #we all know that was a terrible decision #they’re just trying to do a cheap cash in #but as much as I hate Twitter it’s not going anywhere and most people aren’t gonna leave #I’m sure tumblr saw a lot of traffic from Reddit and Twitter users moving but not as much as people in here like to think #and while tumblr also has a few other problems with it #some which I’m afraid to say because I don’t wanna get banned #these ads and other frankly idiotic UI choices are something we’re all aware of #no one uses tumblr live #put the post button back where it belongs #make it easier to make posts this new shit is waaaay more complicated than it needs to be #they just… make choices that don’t benefit anyone #and the profit off of people buying shoelaces and stickers and check marks and blazes #where is the money going?#cause it’s not going into making the site and the app user friendly #also if tumblr is gonna be here acting like a small business that needs its users support to stay running #maybe don’t commission arts every few months for a new app logo #I like the idea of it and I think artists should get paid for their work #but while I know tumblr doesn’t need the money the staff ACT like they need it #I don’t want to sound harsh but you guys shouldn’t waste ur money on check marks on fucking tumblr #you’re kinda throwing away money #because they’re not gonna use your money to improve the website/app #the reason we even have the plague that is tumblr live is that they want to make money off of you #tumblr isn’t a social media site #it’s a testing ground for advertisers #we’ve known this for years

5 notes · View notes

catfishofoldin99colours · 10 months ago

Text

me when my coworker is worried another guy in the office doesn't like her: Ah that sucks for her. Glad I'm not affected by that tho

Me when that same guy gives me a short teams message: Ah. Well good thing I don't care about being liked by him or not

Me after thinking about it for maybe 32 seconds: no actually I hate this

#catfish speaks #i get the feeling he does not like me #and im not about to try snd change that if he doesnt like me he doesnt like me #it just stung a bit when he sent me a short reply to a teams request and im like. ok ouch.#like mine was jovial and im trying to be nice #idk. it's very small potatoes in the grand scheme of things #and stands out cos i have a pretty friendly relationship with literally everyone else at work - bot just in the office but eith everyone #were a small company so i have spoken yo almost everyone and had decent friendly conversations with most of them #and i like pretty much everyone here! everyones quite nice and we have good comvos and i feel like we're friends #so it stands out a bit when i have one on one interactions witu this guy and theyre so #like. short. and business like.#tbh tho ik im also not the friendliest #especially in the mornings lol #maybe he jusy doesnt know hwo to talk to me either #anyway! small potatoes not a big deal anf not worth crying over lmao #maybe ill try to talk to him a bit more throughout the year #but if he doesnt wanna talk then theres nothing else i can do and i aint sweating over it

3 notes · View notes

spaceratprodigy · 10 months ago

Text

right now tho I'm really fixated on rogue trader lmao I want to work on Ceciliana ✌😔

#her key details are there #I've been wanting to just keep playing more of the game tbh most of my ideas are small and simmering rn #I would love to play around more with her personality details and some of her past more for sure #biggest thing rn is wanting to play around with her design #I really dig her default drip for how I built her bc it's just so fitting but I might tweak some minor details #I mostly want to construct her face in more detail! see what direction I want to go with her!#her hair too tbh #my placeholder design for her was to just make my DOS2/Hero Quest character Agitha until I really Got To Know Ceciliana #and right now I think I might keep her white hair.. I really dig it.. might make it look a lil peppery.. not sure yet gotta doodle it out #style tho I'm really not sureeeee that's gonna be my biggest challenge to find out what I'm satisfied with 😩#I have an idea I wanna try but idk if it's gonna be satisfactory when I see it #IDK YET #I do have some doodle ideas tho lmao #I just want some silly drawings of her with abelard and argenta and pasqal #but probs won't get to them for a whileeeee #okay I just wanted to ramble and get some thangs out of my brain just thinkin out loud you know how it is #I'm excited abt new oc #I love when I get passionate abt something #bf is also very excited bc he loves warhammer and I've been listening to him talk abt it for like 10 years now #and he knows I've been interested in diving further in for a long time #so he is LOVING seeing me be this invested and talking abt Ceciliana #he is my biggest consultant on all the necessary details #rambling #ceciliana von valancius

2 notes · View notes

kkujo · 1 year ago

Text

also idk i feel so fucking good abt myself idk genuinely being consistent with my gym routine has done everything for my mental health and confidence like i still feel bad abt myself sometimes but for the first time since i was probably 9 i'm having days where i look in the mirror and thinking DAMN i look good and those days are getting more frequent it's really the best feeling

#and it's not just the weight loss like. being overweight was such a struggle for me esp bc i've had issues w eds and stuff and.#idk it made me miserable. and i wasn't the healthiest bc i'd gained a lot due to pcos and my periods were irregular etc like it wasn't good #and now i'm medicated and fuck man my period is regular now and my weight is more normal and i just feel like. good abt that #bc i spent so long being unable to lose bc of my hormones and it was so disheartening bc i was doing everything 'right'#i feel a little bad talking abt it bc ik it's a sensitive topic and i have had issues w eds i obv don't think weighing less makes u healthy #etc etc. for me it was the healthy thing to lose what i've lost so i'm proud of that and i did all of that mostly without relapsing #over 2 years and i've had like. maybe a month of relapse total over that time and each time i've come out of it after a week or two #so i'm definitely stronger mentally etc BUT. my point is. the confidence hasn't come from trying to be smaller #and now i'm actively trying to build muscle and for the first time ever my confidence comes from looking BIGGER bc i want muscle growth etc #the confidence truly comes from within and when i was overweight i started to give myself that confidence #by starting to wear cute clothes and stop hiding my body #it is so true that losing weight won't make you like yourself or your body.#like. you can lose weight if you want but you HAVE to respect yourself first. i lost a lot of weight unhealthily in 2019 and regained it #& bc i did it out of self hatred i NEVER felt better abt myself when i got smaller. you rlly have to be able to love yourself as you are rn #it's cliche but very very true #anyway i don't rlly talk abt this stuff on here bc ik it's a sensitive topic but!!!#i really would recommend weightlifting and strength training if you wanna feel more confident #ik it won't work for everyone but for me it's genuinely transformed the way i see myself.#i no longer try to force myself to be as small as possible. and for me that's everything yk #ALSO LIKE. THE MENTAL HEALTH ASPECTS. just having the routine and getting exercise and getting out every day rlly helps too #i really would recommend it i've never felt better or more confident abt myself #the only thing is unfortunately and it's a very real problem but gym/gym bro culture often leans v close to e/d culture #it really sucks bc a lot of gym folks genuinely do love it and are very healthy with it #but the chicken and rice gym bro types are pretty rampant too and there's a LOT of dysmorphia and such in the community #so i kind of avoid gym bro circles for that reason bc i do think a lot of people take it too far and are very mentally unhealthy with it #but weightlifting/going gym in itself isn't the problem and if you're eating properly & taking care of yourself it's not gonna be like that #it's just knowing the types of ppl to avoid bc a lot of the mindset is pretty toxic 😭😭 but there are def a lot of ppl who do it healthily #like. i understand why people do it but i'm kind of against bulking/cutting at least for myself #bc for me it's not abt looking as strong as possible it's abt being fit and healthy physically & mentally if i look buff asf that's a bonus #but a lot of ppl take bulks/cuts too far & a lot of it is just regurgitated e/d shit unfortunately. just b careful who you interact with

4 notes · View notes

bunni-bun · 2 years ago

Text

.

#fighting all the bad thoughts today but in doing so had a dissociative episode at work lol #[sigh] the new job is good and i really do want to stay there #but i also feel like i'm trying too hard not trying enough and just fucking up everything i thought i knew #like it shouldn't be hard!!! i know this stuff!!! i did it for 6 fucking years!!!!#so why did all of my knowledge about anything just fly out the fucking window #to the point that i make such stupid mistakes???#i just.......#feel so small.#i thought i knew more i thought i was better but i'm just not and i hate this #i don't wanna lose this job #i'll be damned if i go crawling back to my old job #but at the same time i almost want to go back #because at least there my knowledge was worth something and i knew what to do #but that's also just the adaptation to abuse talking in my ear and making me think that i'd rather be in something i know #no matter how toxic and bad it is for me #idk today just wasn't a good day #cyndy speaks

2 notes · View notes

altruistic-meme · 2 years ago

Text

should i be going to bed? yes. however i want to reach the end of my planned scenes first ;;; im so close to the end.

#i mean of course i know more scenes will be added later #right now we're at 31 listed scenes total #(tho again some aren't actually scenes so we're actually at...... 27? i think? regardless)#but!!!#i've only got 4-5 listed in my very small original outline #so #!!!#we're almost there. we've almost got a full outline istg #i am SO excited for this already im trying so hard to be patient #i wanna finish writing it before posting UGH #but also i wanna TALK ABOUT IT SO MUCH #as you can tell by *gestures to wip tag*#shh ac #wip: dare(d) to do it

4 notes · View notes

shoveitevil · 17 days ago

Text

ugh its starting to get a lot worse again

#i feel like im constantly policing my own thoughts #i try to figure out what all my thoughts mean #what is the root cause and everything #i think that’s why im so attracted to determinism and naturalism #i guess it’s comforting to think that it was always going to end up this way #doesnt make it feel much better though #i think i need to start being more honest with myself #and honest with others #i lie so often it’s basically instinctual #but i also equally feel like there is no one i can truly be honest with #ive always had a small problem with intrusive thoughts #it was particularly bad in y8 when i had this recurring vision of someone gouging my eyes out omori style #and then i would get stabbed and id bleeed over a white carpet and no one would ever find me #but it went away eventually #i guess they have come back now #it just feels really awful and i wish it would stop because i always feel really bad after it #but when the thoughts arent really awful towards others it’s always endless self criticism #i check my weight every day i pull my shirt tight every day i feel my adam apple in my throat all the time #i look at my face and the imperfections change every day #im worried that i look so awful and it’s impacting my relationships with everyone around me but im equally worried that i have bdd or smth #and then i try to sleep and it takes hours because i just feel so awful and ugly and alone #ive gotten serious insomnia i stay up until 2 am every single night doing nothing but thinking and thinking and thinking #and then all of a sudden that awful stupid feeling from when i was 10 comes back and im just sad and wanna cry all the time and i don’t kno #why im like this there’s nothing to cause this i have friends now i have goals now why do i feel so fucking awful #my brother is getting sad a lot now and im worried its genetic #im really worried my dad has some serious mental issues its kind of scary #he genuinely doesnt empathise ever he genuinely doesnt acknowledge others emotions he doesn’t recognise tone and he doesn’t keep secrets #fucking hell he outed my sister to me he talks about really personal shit on a whim and he never changes his behaviour ever ever ever #he had to go on a 2 week no phone retreat to come back with any fucking sympathy but that all went away because of course it did #his dad went crazy too and i have hardly met any of my dads brothers it has to be genetic

1 note · View note

sanchoyo · 1 year ago

Text

the job has been going surprisingly ok! I got most of my hours for the week done in like 4 days and im kinda hoping next week i can cut that down to getting it done in like, 3 and then having 4 days off lol. but i do have a webinar thing to attend tomorrow and im dreading it dskkfhkj. i never do well at live meeting call thngies. I do ok at in person ones but for some reason web based ones wig me out x_x (its only like 45 mins and mic only so it could be worse??) auggh

#just experiencing Real Heavy anxiety abt it. like im sure itll be fine #but also its kinda objectively funny to have a training/basics and faq webinar. after ive been working here almost 2 weeks? LMAO??#a bit late for training isnt it?? 😭 ive been learning on the job...#ive made a few mistakes so far and my brain is like. the person is going to call u out on ALl of them and be mad #but. the guide literally said u have 3 months to get ur accuracy up to a certain level . so i know thats just anxiety talking #BUT STILL.#at least i recognized they were mistakes on my own and dont make them anymore?? like im still learning TwT;;#i dont actually hate the job its very chill and a diff vibe from my prev jobs and the work is kinda interesting #like its prob not what id choose to do ideally. but. not mental breakdown type terrible?#like itd never be enough to live off of and the work loads are very inconsistent but. yk. its better than nothing #and better than going back to retail hell. ill die before i go back.#im kinda just hoping theres a lot of new hires at the webinar so i can just knda sit back and chill w/out having to say much lol..pls dont #be a small group...#i also want to try and list more things on depop tomorrow or this weekend bc idk whats going on w me #but i like. hate evryhting i own suddenly ?? and want to kinda overhaul my style...#ugggh. my brain is full of bees lately #sanchoyorambles #i also wanna post some art sometime soon bc my art blog is STAGNATING but i havent had anything huge to post #im working on smthbehind the scenes but its BIG and taking TIME

1 note · View note