#im worried that i look so awful and it’s impacting my relationships with everyone around me but im equally worried that i have bdd or smth

[shoveitevil]

ugh its starting to get a lot worse again

[illfoandillfie]

5 Simple Rules for a Successful Fake Relationship: The Proposal

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Summery: Your's and Ben's agents approach you about pretending to date in order to boost interest in your new movie.

Warnings: Nothing for this chapter other than some swearing maybe? Things may get a little spicy in later chapters though.

Words: 5843

AN: This fic was written for El @laedymoon​ for her 1K celebration! I took the trope 'fake dating' and this was the result! Honestly fake dating is one my my fave tropes and I've been wanting to try my hand at it for a while so this was so much fun to write! Originally it was meant to be a one shot but when have I ever been good at sticking to plans lmao? Instead it'll probably end up as a three or four part series, maybe with an epilogue as well, who knows.

I’d also like to point out I started writing this months before we got those photos of Ben and Olivia so this was in no way inspired by anyone’s theories about whether or not their relationship is a PR stunt and I’m not particularly interested in that kind of talk.

Taglist: @laedymoon​​  @dtfrogertaylor​​   @ezmina98​​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​

You’d known fake celebrity relationships were a thing that happened, you just never expected to be approached about one. But, here you were, sat next to Ben in an office usually reserved for producers meetings, a slight frown on his face as he listened to your agents explain how beneficial it would be if the public believed you were a couple.  “It’ll be good for the movie,” your agent, Mary, said matter-of-factly, “Studies show that if people – particularly women ages 15 – 45, the exact demographic we’re targeting – believe a real romance sprouted during the course of filming a movie, they are 78% more likely to see the movie. Plus, your names in the tabloids mean more exposure for both of you which means more offers in future, no matter how well this movie does in the box office. It’s all about being seen, people knowing your names.”  “Are you serious?” Ben asked slowly, glancing to you, as if trying to determine your reaction.  “Look, Ben, obviously we can’t force you or Y/N to do this,” his agent, Peter, introduced to you moments before, said, “the movie has already started filming and everyone appreciates your opinions, so saying no isn’t going to affect your jobs. But,” he paused, making sure the words were getting through to you both, “we strongly recommend you consider it. There are enough pros to make it worthwhile and it would only have to last until a week or two after the premiere. We can give you the rest of the day to think it over and make your decisions, but we will require an answer by tomorrow morning. If you agree, we can discuss terms and get everything in order to run the first story early next week.” 

You and Ben left, tempted to laugh at the strangeness of your morning.   “Think I need a coffee after that. You wanna come over to my trailer for a cup?”  “Yeah, okay, sounds good,” you followed him quietly for a moment, thinking over the conversation you’d just been part of, “What do you think?”  “About what? Coffee? You know I love it,”  “Not coffee, the whole pretending to date thing,”  “Oh that,” you could almost hear his eyes roll.   “You don’t think it’s worth it?”  He paused.  “Saying no won’t hurt my feelings,” you nudged his shoulder, hoping to ease his obvious discomfort, “it is a weird situation.”  “Weird is an understatement. And weren’t you with that Luke guy, what would he say about it?”  “He’ll say nothing since we’re not seeing each other anymore,”  “Wait, what?”  “Yeah that lasted like three dates and went nowhere, I haven’t seen him in weeks.”  “Oh, sorry.”  You shrugged, “What’s there to be sorry for, he was boring. Anyway, we were talking about you and me.”  “Right, that.” Ben opened the door to his trailer and waved you inside, following you over the threshold, “What do you think about it?”  “I’m not opposed to it. We already spend a lot of our time pretending to date anyway.”  Ben chuckled as he flicked the small kettle on, grabbing your two mugs and the instant coffee.  “Plus it would be good to get our names out there a bit more. And we're friends, right?” After the weeks of pre-production costume fittings and script read-throughs you certainly thought you were friends and hoped Ben did too.  “Of course we’re friends doofus,”  “Thanks dweeb. But that means it'll be fun getting to hang out and stuff.”   “So, wait, you think it’s a good idea?”  “Well it can’t hurt, can it?”  Ben frowned, forehead creased, “Don’t you think it’s all a bit, well, daft? As if us dating, real or not, would really have an impact on the movie, I think that’s bullshit. Plus, y’know, the work we’d have to put in to making it seem real or whatever. That’s just inviting extra stress into our lives and extra work which it doesn’t sound like we’d be getting paid for. Acting’s fun but I don’t want to spend every waking moment doing it.”  “Well it wouldn’t be every waking moment would it? Just the ones when they had photographers around. They’ll get a few photos of us leaving set holding hands or out having dinner together and spin it into a big romantic story and all we’d have to do is hold hands and have dinner. And you can’t call bullshit when they had actual statistics to back them up.”  “It sounds like you’re trying to convince me.”  “No, if you don’t want to I don’t mind, but I also don’t see anything wrong with it. And I think you should actually think about it instead of writing it off instantly.”  “So if I said I was into it, you’d want to?”  You shrugged, “Yeah. I want this movie to do well, I want this job to go somewhere. And if I have to date you to make that happen I will. That sounded better in my head. I just mean that I’m happy to pretend to date you, even if I wouldn’t in real life, no offence.”  “I’m a little offended,” he chuckled, “but really can’t argue with that can I?”  “If you’re not comfortable with it, say so and we’ll tell them no,”  Ben paused, staring at you as he considered what you’d said, quiet for so long you were sure he was going to say he wasn’t interested. You were about to put him out of his misery and tell him you didn’t want to anymore when he spoke up.   “They did say it would be good for the movie and out careers,”  “Someone’s coming around,” you sing-songed, taking the mug he offered you.  “Alright, I admit, maybe not as awful an idea as I first thought. There are…some pros anyway. And I guess we can hear the terms and then make up our minds properly.”  “Aww, looks like I got myself a boyfriend,” 

The next morning you found out what you were in for if you did agree to it. Once again both of your agents were waiting in the office but this time a third person was with them when you arrived.  “Y/N, Ben, take a seat. This is Barry, he’s a representative from Paramount Pictures.”  Barry, with his salt and pepper hair and well cut suit, leaned forward in his seat to shake Ben’s hand and then yours with a pleasant greeting.  “Well,” Mary spoke up, “have you made a decision?”  Ben looked to you before he spoke, “It’s a tentative yes from both of us. We’d like to hear a bit more about it before we fully agree but, so far, it sounds okay.”  “Glad to have you on board,” Barry said, reaching into his bag and pulling out a manila folder full of paper.  “In that case, the terms,” Peter said, glancing around to make sure everyone was ready, “If you do agree, we’ll need you to sign some paperwork stating you understand your obligations and all that, so take a copy of these,” he took two small stapled documents from Barry, handing you each one, before passing another to Mary, “just so everyone has all the info at hand.”  “Are these the terms?”  “Yes. Don’t worry, we’ll explain, but it’s all laid out in there if you need clarification.”  “There’s more pages than I was expecting,” Ben said, already sounding like it was becoming too much work to worry about.  “You don’t have to worry about the last few pages, it’s mostly just legalese. Essentially, you’ll be required to act like a couple in public. That’s really all there is to it, though contractually it’s a little more complex.”  “What does that mean?”  “We just need you both to agree to perform specific relationship type moments that we can sell. For instance, Y/N, we will need you to be spotted by paparazzi leaving Ben’s apartment a couple of times. Or vice versa. It is the 21st century afterall.”  “You mean like a walk of shame?” you asked, glancing at the paper in your hand.  “That’s not the official term on the contract but it’s more or less correct. You’ll need to change clothes, make it look like you stayed the night even if you didn’t really.”  “Wouldn’t it be more traditional to wear the previous day’s gear?”  “Perhaps but if you’re in the same clothes as the day before the paparazzi can’t sell the photos as easily because they can’t prove they were taken on different days. We want to make these photos easy to sell and easy to circulate. To that end, some paparazzi and gossip blogs will be tipped off by the studio and hopefully word will spread as the buzz around you gets stronger.”  “There will also be required dates, of course. At least one of them needs to take place at the French restaurant Boucher because they have a partnership with the studio. There is also a clause about an argument, provided people become interested in your relationship and we keep it going all the way to the premiere.”  “Wait, an argument?” Ben flipped through his papers, trying to find the right section.  “You just have to be caught arguing, or at least looking like you’re angry and about to fight, just so we can sell the whole trouble in paradise storyline.”  “People like conflict,” Mary shrugged, “Otherwise all we need is the two of you to act like a couple in public, maybe a few social media posts, from now until a week after the theatre release. After that you’re free to ‘break up’, though you will also need to sign a non-disclosure agreement which will stop you from talking about it for a few years. We’ll organise a few magazines and gossip sites to run stories about the split and, depending on how the public react to your story, may later run some Ben and Y/N, back together question mark type pieces, entirely fabricated of course.”  “You will attend the premiere together and, obviously, do press together. We will tell reporters not to ask about your personal lives, so no one suspects the relationship to be fake, though a few questions may slip through. Though we don’t expect this movie to earn any award nominations since it’s not being marketing for any there may be some later down the track. In that case we may ask you to extend your relationship long enough to attend the ceremonies together, provided you aren’t working on other projects at the time.”  “The only other requirements are that, a few times a week you allow yourselves to be seen in public. Hand holding, kissing, really sell the whole fallen in love thing. That’s it really.”  “And we can’t even tell our families?”  “One leak is all it would take to have this revealed. You tell your mum who accidentally lets slip to the neighbour who sells it to a magazine. And if it’s revealed it could be harmful when it comes to box office numbers, which is the exact opposite of what we want. But enough of these have been done so that we know how to manage them, and all you have to do is keep quiet about it and act like you’re in love. Easy. Are you both on board?”  Barry, who’d been quiet throughout the meeting, leaned forward expectantly.  You already knew what to say, "I’m in if Ben is,”  Ben chewed his lip as he skimmed over the paper in his hands again. He sighed and raised his eyes to where Barry sat, waiting.  “I don’t know I-”  You’d seen it coming, his answer. Really it wasn’t much of a surprise. Ben didn’t strike you as the sort of person to go in for schemes like this and he’d been hesitant from the second it was suggested. You heard him sigh again as his gaze landed on you and you wondered if he thought less of you for wanting to be part of it.  “Okay. I’m in.”  You were a little stunned by his change of heart but you were the only one. Everyone else in the room seemed relieved and a little frantic, Barry reaching back into his bag, Mary and Peter talking over each other to assure you both that you’d made the right choice.  “Glad to hear that, Ben,” Barry was saying as he pulled out another folder of documents, “Now, we’ll need you to both to sign here.” 

After shooting was done for the day you accompanied Ben to a small pub for a drink. Mary and Peter had left the meeting on their phones making hurried calls to get photos of the two of you leaving the set together. You’d jumped a little as Ben grabbed your hand before realising why his fingers were linked through your own. It was warm and he didn’t let you go until you reached the pub, the snap of cameras audible as you walked down the street. You found a booth while Ben headed to the bar, returning a little later with a drink in each hand.   “One G and T for my girlfriend,” he laughed as he put the drink in front of you and slid into the seat opposite.  “Y’know if you told me last week that I’d have had a boyfriend before we finished filming and that it was you, I would have laughed.”  “God me too. Our jobs are so bizarre. Literally what other profession would encourage you to pretend to date?”  You laughed and pulled out the papers you’d been given that morning, “And who’d have thought there’d be so many contractual requirements.”  “We should add our own set of rules. Like just so we’re clear about what we’d be uncomfortable doing or whatever.”  “Safewords?”  “Get your mind out of the gutter. Christ, you fake ask a girl out and suddenly all she can think about is sex.”  “My mind was in the gutter long before we were set up.”  He let out a huff of laughter and shook his head, reaching for his glass.  “I know what you mean though. We should definitely define some things,” you grabbed your bag and began digging through it for a pen. When you found it, you turned the papers over giving you a blank canvas to work on, “Firstly sex.”  “Should have known,”  “May as well start with the big one. Rule 1: No Sex. Completely off the table.” you took a sip of your drink as you began jotting it down.  “Your wank game strong?”  The conversation was interrupted as you choked on your drink, finally recovering enough to splutter, “excuse me?”  “Well it sounds like we might be together for a while. Can’t go on any tinder dates or anything since that would look like cheating. You sure you can last that long?  “100 per cent.”  “Alright, if you’re sure. Rule one, no sex.”  You finished writing it down, rolling your eyes, “What about PDAs? We have to do some but is there anything you’d be uncomfortable with?”  “I’m not really one for like public make out sessions,”  “Thank god, me neither.”  “Okay, good. What about cuddling and that kind of thing. Man this is weird to talk about,”  “Yeah, is a bit. I can do some cuddling in public but y'know, nothing too much. Hugs are fine, an arm around my shoulders is fine. Holding hands is obviously okay.”  “What about an arm around the waist?”  “Hmmm….maybe. Yeah, I think I’d be okay with that. But your hand never goes below my lower back. I will have no arse grabs or pinches or hands in my back pocket.”  “Wasn’t planning on that but good to know. Does cuddling include lap sitting?”  “Absolutely not.”  “Okay, strong boundaries, I respect that. You going to write all that down?”  “Rule 2: PDAs kept respectable and to a minimum. And rule 3: hands above the belt at all times. What about our families and friends?” you asked as you made notes on acceptable PDAs, “chances are we’re going to have to deal with them at some point since they’re going to think it’s real.”  “Okay, um, how about…no meeting anyone unless there’s a reason like a family gathering you’d be expected to bring a partner to. And if that does come up we can work out a game plan then.”  “Make sense. Rule 4: No families unless no escape.” 

By the time you left the pub, your list of rules tucked into your bag, it was quite late.   “Hey, you wanna crash at mine tonight?” Ben asked, “we can text Peter and Mary, let them know so they can organise paparazzi for the morning.”  “Tonight? I don’t have a toothbrush or a change of clothes or anything.”  “We’ll pop into a shop and buy you a new toothbrush, should probably get you one for my place anyway since apparently you’ll be staying over more than once. And I’m sure I’ve got something you can sleep in.”  “And tomorrow? Can’t wear this again in case we get photographed.”  “I’ll give you something and then I’ll drop you home in the morning,” he shrugged.   “I guess that would work,”  “C’mon, it’ll be like a sleepover. Stay up late and talk about boys, have things devolve into a sexy pillow fight, sleepover stuff.”  “And you say my mind lives in the gutter.”  “That’s not a no,”  “Alright, I’ll crash at yours. Closer to here than mine is anyway.”  “Awesome,” he grinned at you, “c’mon, this way….babe?”  “Didn’t sound so convincing there, Ben,” you snorted.  “You should have used a pet name then, instead of my actual one. And I was just testing the waters, what’d you think?”  “Babe’s okay. As long as we don’t get into weirdly cutesie things like turtle dove or snookums.”  “You don’t want me to call you snookums? How about cuddle bunny? Pumpkin pie?”  “Oh fuck off,”  “Think you mean fuck off honey bear.”  “Rule 5: Standard pet names only!” 

As much as he clearly enjoyed teasing you, Ben made sure you had a good time with him. He took your hand again but it was only so he could pull you into the warmth of a small Chinese restaurant. It was one he seemed to regularly visit judging by the way the man at the counter knew Ben’s order straight away. He seemed a little surprised when Ben asked to add extra dishes, eyes darting to your entwined hands, and then back to Ben’s face, but he said nothing, just cheerily gave Ben the new price.  “What was that about?” you asked as you walked the last block to Ben’s door, each of you carrying a bag, his full of food and yours supplies from the grocery store, “the look he gave you when he saw me?”  “Oh, that’s nothing. I used to go to that place a lot with my ex and then we broke up and I kept going on my own cause it’s close and it’s fucking good food. But, um, they know me pretty well and I guess it’s been a while since I took a girl there.”  “Well I’m flattered that you chose me to be part of this touching moment,” you laughed and followed Ben to his front door, taking the second bag from him so he could pull his keys from his pocket and let you in. You’d never been inside Ben’s place before so you let him lead you down the hallway towards the kitchen, taking charge of pulling everything from the bags as Ben got out plates and cutlery.  “Oh shit, hang on gotta text Mary and Peter,”  You took over dividing up the food as Ben dug his phone out of his pocket. A few seconds after he’d sent the message and put his phone down a ding made him snatch it back up again.  “Peter says there’ll be someone here to snap us while we leave. They want us to kiss if possible. Guess it’s really started then,”  “Guess so. Can I ask one thing?”  “Sure,” he said it slowly, almost nervously.  “Why’d you change your mind about this? I thought for sure you’d say no.”  “Oh, that. I don’t know, I guess I figured it wouldn’t hurt, especially if it was going to benefit the movie. C’mon, don’t want this to go cold,”  You weren't sure you believed him but you let him shrug off the question as you picked up your plate and followed him into the living room. The next couple of hours were spent eating and watching trashy reality tv shows, making jokes at their expense. You and Ben kept talking long after the show ended, until he realised how late it was getting.  “Better turn in otherwise I won’t get up in the morning,” he laughed.  “Yeah, probably a good plan,” you stretched out on the couch, placing a cushion under your head.  “C’mon, I’ll show you to your room.”  “You mean I’m not sleeping on the couch?”  “Oh my god you’re a dork,” he threw another cushion at you, “I have a spare room you can use.”  “Well I didn’t know that,” you laughed as you pushed yourself to your feet, following him back down the hallway towards a closed door you hadn’t noticed before.  “Nah, you’re all good. It’s honestly mostly used by my friend Joe when he’s travelling over this way. There’re clean sheets in the linen press in the bathroom which is the next door on the right, and extra blankets in the cupboard just there. Also watch the blinds if you try to close them, they can be a little stiff. If there’s anything else you need let me know, my bedroom is at the end of the hall, near the living room.”  “Some PJs would be good, if it’s no trouble.”  “Oh right, yeah of course, give me a second.”  You dropped your bag in a corner of the room and then popped into the bathroom to grab some sheets. Ben came back with an old t-shirt and some flannel pants.  “These are mine so they’ll probably be a bit big but they’ll be fine for the night. And they’ll look good for the camera in the morning.”  “Thanks,”  “That everything?”  “Think so, night Ben,”  “Night, snookums.”  “Rule five mister,”   Ben just laughed, pulling your door shut behind him.  

Waking up in Ben’s spare room was mildly confusing. The bed faced a different direction than yours did, the blinds blocked out too much of the morning light, and the sheets felt different. But the previous night came back to you and then the reason you were staying at Ben’s did too. It made you too nervous to go back to sleep, too restless to stay there, so you got up and stumbled to the door, opening it just in time to see Ben leaving the bathroom.  “Morning,” he groaned with half shut eyes and sleep mussed hair, “you want a coffee?”  “Please. Thanks.”  He yawned, acknowledging your answer with a nod and left the bathroom to you. When you were done you found him in the kitchen with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands and a second on the bench in front of him. You took it gratefully, letting the warm caffeine wake you up.”  “Breakfast? I can offer you toast or cereal unless you wanna wait for pancakes to cook.”  You shook your head, “Don’t normally eat breakfast,”  Ben looked aghast, “You know breakfast’s important, right?”  “Shhh, lemme wake up before you start lecturing me,”  Ben smiled into his own mug, falling silent until you’d downed half your drink, “You good now? Alert?”  “Close enough. Please don’t tell me about breakfast though.”  “I wasn’t going to. There was another text from Peter this morning.”  “What’d it say?”  “Well, a photographer will be here around nine-ish ready for us, but they said he’ll stay for as long as we take.”  “Okay.”  “And, um, he was very careful in how he worded it, but they want us to look like we fucked. Also I told them I’d take you home so there may be someone waiting for us there too, he never got back to me on it.”  “Shit, okay. Umm, guess I’ll just wear this then?” you indicated the pyjamas you’d borrowed, “might lose the pants though, help sell it a bit more.”  “Yeah, guess so,” Ben cleared his throat and took a sip of coffee, his eyes firmly fixed over your shoulder.  “What time is is?”  “Uhhhh,” he glanced at the oven, “Twenty past eight.”  “God I haven’t been up this early on a weekend in months.”  “Not one for farmers markets or anything then?”  “Not really. Much prefer lying in bed doing nothing.”  “Me too,”  “We’re meant for each other,” you laughed, “did you want to have a shower or anything?”  “Nah, you can if you want though,”  “Might as well wait until I get home. But I am gonna clean my teeth, especially if we have to kiss.”  “Maybe mess up your hair too, make it look like you didn’t sleep much.”  “Well how could I when you’re such a good lover,”  “I know you’re joking but if anyone asks, I’m incredible. You came like three times.”  “Did I now?”  “Of course.”  “Good thing no one’s gonna ask then, don’t think I’m great at lying.”  “You’re an actress, Y/N. Besides, it’s not really a lie, I am that good. You just haven’t experienced it personally.”  You poked your tongue out at Ben as you stood and headed towards the bathroom again but you did as he’d suggested and messed your hair up as much as you could. 

“How do I look?” you ask Ben when you were done.  “Gorgeous,” he said, eyes raking over every inch of your appearance from the ruffled hair to the hint of panda eyes you’d manufactured with your eyeshadow to the slightly unbuttoned flannel shirt and missing pants.  “But do I look like I’ve been thoroughly fucked?”  “Oh, right, umm, yes I think so,”  “You do? I feel like theres something missing.” You darted back into the bathroom to look in the mirror again, “Oh! I know. Might be taking it a bit far though.”  “What is it?” Ben asked, following you and watching you in the mirror.  “What if you gave me a hickey?”  “Y/N, I-”  “Yeah, I know, that’s a weird thing to ask. Don’t worry, I think we’ll be fine without it.”  Ben’s cheeks puffed up with air that he slowly let escape his lips, “no, you’re right, if I’d really slept with you last night I would have marked you up a bit. A hickey will definitely make it look more authentic.”  “It’s not totally inappropriate for me to ask?”  “No, no, we have to make it look legit, it’s a good suggestion. Here, I’ll uhh,” he stepped in close, one hand tentatively winding around your waist to pull you back against him, the other moving to push your hair aside. His breath was hot as he leaned into your neck. You saw him glance at your reflection, eyebrows slightly furrowed, but then his lips were on your skin, sucking at you until a bruise formed. Your own breath quickened with the contact but you knew it was just because he’d found a particularly sensitive spot and it had been a while since anyone had handled you like that. It was still just Ben and it was still part of your jobs. But all the same you let your eyes slip shut and hummed at how nice it felt. You were almost disappointed when it was over. Ben stood there for a moment, head bent over your neck, long enough to take a deep breath, but then he seemed to collect himself, taking a quick step back.  “Will that do?”  “It’s great Ben, really ties the whole look together.”  Ben returned your smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Good. Good. Okay then, I’ll umm, what time is it?”  “Just after nine,” you said, glancing at your phone, “wonder if the photographer is here yet.”  “I think I will jump in for that shower actually, by the time I’m done he definitely will be.”  “Okay,”  “Make yourself comfortable though, watch some TV or something.”  “Alright. Thanks for being so cool about all this. I know you’re a little sceptical about the benefits and everything.”  “It’s fine, Y/N, no need for any of that.” He smiled again as you left the bathroom and the door shut behind you, but it still seemed off.  

You settled onto the couch to flick TV channels, pausing at a breakfast news show and then at some kids cartoon you didn’t recognise, only stopping when Ben entered the room, clean and dressed.   “Hey, I was wondering,” you said, turning towards him, “should I give you a hickey as well?”  “No,”  You were a little taken aback by how quickly he’d answered.  “I mean, I think that’d be overkill. Keep it up our sleeves for next time, yeah?”  “Okay, yeah, sure,”  “Is he there?”  “I think so.”  Ben walked towards the window and twitched the curtain aside just enough to peek out, “Yeah, looks like him. Big camera pointing at my front door.”  “Okay,” your heart began to beat a little faster, “show time then,”  “Show time.” Ben nodded as he turned back to you.  “Do we have a plan? I kinda wish I had a script right about now,”  Ben laughed a little and you thought he seemed more himself, “I think you should go out first so they can get a good clean shot and then I come out after, maybe with my hand on your back?”  “Sounds good,”  “Okay, umm, I’ll lock the door and when I turn around you kiss me and then I’ll open the passenger door for you and we’ll drive to your place.”  “Don’t bother opening my door. I’m not big into that kind of gesture, plus I think if we were actually being caught by the paparazzi, we’d be getting into the car as quick as possible. Maybe throw a look his way like you aren’t happy about being photographed just so it doesn’t seem too staged.”  “Okay, no opening doors, noted.”  You shrugged, “I just think it’s a bit old fashioned and unnecessary,”  “I’ll keep that in mind for our dates. You ready to do this?”  You nodded and stood up, leading the way to the front door. Ben collected his keys and wallet and placed a hand on the lower part of your back, your signal to open the door and step outside.   “Kinda wish I had pants on,” you said softly, “It’s a bit brisk,”  Ben chuckled as he followed you out, “We’ll put the heating on in the car for you,” he turned to lock the door. You watched him, fingers gripping the key a little tighter than he perhaps normally would, and as soon as he began to turn back around you were moving towards him, one hand thrown around his neck, the other in his hair as your pressed your lips to his. His hand found your back again, pulling you in close as he kissed you back fiercely, as if he were unwilling to let you go after such a good night together, the kiss of a man falling in love. For half a second you forgot it was an act. And then he was gone, his nose brushing yours briefly before there was space between you. You felt a little dazed with Ben looking at you so softly but you took a deep breath and reality came back to you. With another breath your turned and headed towards the car, able to hear the rapid click click click of the camera. You shot a look towards the noise and then got into the car, Ben hopping into the driver’s seat about a second later.  

“You’re a good actor,” you said before silence could settle between you, “I already knew that, of course, but the kiss was really good. Almost completely believable.”  “As long as it’s believable enough in the photos,”  “I’m sure it will be. I think we pulled it off.”  Ben nodded, “Yeah. You still chilly?”  “Little bit,”  He reached over and twisted one of the dials blindly, warm air suddenly washing over your goosebump covered legs, “better?”  “So much, thanks.”  “I think he might be following us,”  “You did tell them we were going to mine, s’pose he’ll be trying to grab a couple of shots of us there.”  “Yeah, probably.”  “Should we come up with another game plan? Maybe you walk me to my door, we stand there talking for a bit, saying goodbye. I stay and watch you leave before I go inside.”  “Perfect. Is another kiss part of the goodbye?”  “Careful Ben, you sound almost like you want to kiss me,” you laughed, “but yes, think it needs to be.” 

It went completely according to plan. By the time you were getting out of the car the photographer had pulled up outside your house, his camera sticking out the window of his car so he didn’t miss his shot. The camera clicked as Ben took your hand and you led him to your door.  “Well, guess that’s it for today. I did have fun with you last night, even if it wasn’t the kind of fun everyone else will think it was.”  “Yeah, me too. Happy to have you stay anytime you want to be photographed again. Maybe we’ll get you some PJs that can live at mine though.”  “Probably for the best. If this goes well I can see them wanting us to do it again soon.”  “Oh definitely. They’ll probably have notes for us so we can get an even better performance next time. You ready to wow them with another kiss?”  “Lay it on me, babe,”  “Anything you want, snookums,”  You groaned but before you could protest too much Ben was kissing you again, softer than before, no longer trying to convince you to stay, just trying to prolong the moment before the goodbye. It left you a little breathless as he cupped your cheek, leaving his hand there when he pulled away. As you opened your eyes you saw him bite his lip and then he leaned in to leave you with a final chaste peck before his fingers slipped from your skin and he was walking away. You let out a long exhale as you watched him go, waving as the car took off. Once you were alone inside, the door firmly shut behind you, you laughed at how ridiculous the whole arrangement was. But at least Ben was a good kisser. Not too firm, not too wet, just the right amount of tongue. Believable enough to give you butterflies.  

[oddaodd]

Hello I’m the person who requested “I Don't Go In For Sweets” and...just let me begin by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you for dedicating your time and your energy to write it, it was absolutely perfect and everything I wanted! I sent you this request the day before a huge exam (yes, instead of studying but that’s another story lol) and surprisingly, you posted the fic a day after I got my results and saw that I passed so it felt a bit like some reward and yeah I know you didn’t do it on purpose but still, it was amazing! Now let’s dive into a deeper analysis (I like to do this but it’s quite long, don’t feel forced to read it, no pressure!)

First, the very beginning: Polly and Tommy’s talk and how can I say this? It was so good, so well written I was actually seeing the scene as clearly as if I was watching the last episode of s3, I could actually hear them talk and see them move and it was too good to even feel like reading! I’m also so grateful you had the idea to bring the impact of Tommy’s mother’s death on him because...it’s not something we see a lot in the show but I’ve always been convinced that he had always been very affected by it and he would never want the same for his son.

Now, the wedding day: “The fact that everything about this wedding was so obscenely different from his first did soothe his guilt a bit” this kind of sums up a lot: Tommy compares all of this situation to what he had and rejoices over the fact it’s not as perfect, as beautiful, as great as what he had with Grace because it makes him feel slightly better, he isn’t betraying her as much as if he was enjoying marrying a new woman but then...she arrives and he can’t help it but find her pretty.

You perfectly showed this inner conflict of always having Grace in mind, always reminding himself of her and how better she was, this is not something he’s doing because he enjoys it but because it’s the best solution.

And of course he makes sure his opinion is known, he doesn’t smile back at the the altar, the big wedding kiss he gave to Grace is here, a simple, almost nonexistent brush on the lips, he doesn’t try to get to know his wife, on their way home, he has this revelatory lapsus “I've already asked the maids to take them up to your-our room” because deep down, it’s not his room or their room, it will only be hers because he won’t sleep in it much and he shows it a moment later when he doesn’t even sleep in the same room as her on their wedding night! I mean the scene where she’s waiting for him all nervous and giggly because she knows what happens...or at least she thinks she knows but then she wakes up alone in the morning, no “husband” in sight. Then comes breakfast, Tommy introduces her to Charlie (who wasn’t even at the wedding!!!) like he would present his new nanny because in a way...that’s what she is. He didn’t marry that girl because he wanted it but because it was something he knew his son needed. I really loved the fact you didn’t make Charlie love reader instantly because as kind hearted as he may be, he’s still a child who suddenly lives with an unknown woman his dad doesn’t even seem to like but one little discussion is enough to make him warm up to her and yeah I liked seeing this, it was very well done!

Then we get to see Tommy couldn’t care less about his wife and a thing kind of stroke me: reader has insomnia sometimes and Tommy doesn’t seem to worry or even think about it, he just sees it as more occasion for her to talk to him and ugh please no! And it shows how detached he can be which is so so in character! Afterwards you wrote about how he didn’t invite her to family meetings and stuff which I think was important to mention and maybe you didn’t think it this way but he keeps her away of very important part of his life: the business and the local bar he spends time with his family which is quite a...special place because that’s where he met Grace, that’s where their story began and family meetings? Inviting her would mean she’s part of their family, they trust her enough to welcome her but 1) he doesn’t really care about her enough to trust her and 2) would grace really have been invited to these meetings? Considering what she did? Definitely not so in not inviting his new wife, he doesn’t give her an advantage of being more welcomed in the family than grace was because, again, she’ll never be enough, she’ll never be grace. And it was so important to show this and you did it so beautifully, so subtly, wow!

The birthday party is also a great way to show that reader has a great relationship with everyone except her own husband and their convo in the office afterwards bluntly stated that. Tommy is so heartless, so cold, so...awful towards the woman he married! I really hated him in this moment because clearly she’s trying, she wants to make things alright but he will not let it, he will push her away no matter how harsh he has to be. And there is no apology, no compassion, nothing, he doesn’t care. He knows how bad his words hurt but he owes nothing to her.

And even when he’s awful to her, she still offer her time and her attention. He comes home completely drunk and considering the way he treated her, she could let him deal with his terrible state alone but she won’t, he’s her husband after all...I really loved how you turned that scene, we can see some of reader’s... I don’t know what to call it but so far, she let him have his space and now, when he rejects her help, she still gives him a hand. And then he compliments her, out of the blue and yeah he’s completely drunk but it feels true. And even better, he apologizes and explains his awful behavior and it was essential to have this! It was essential for reader to hear it from him that she didn’t do anything bad, it wasn’t her fault or anything, he just struggled with understanding what her place was. Even better, she reminds him she doesn’t want to take Grace’s place.

It was everything he needed to understand because right after this, he allows himself to let go a bit and then...a little bit more and again...some more until finally the stables scenes arrives! And my oh my! How much more beautiful could this story get? The fact they bond over something Tommy loves is just...amazing! It allows reader to see a gentle side of him because we all know how Tommy gets whenever he sees a horse, it could and will make any woman fall in love with him. And this scene holds so much...power and emotion, she trusts him enough to let him guide the horse even though she doesn’t know how to ride it and he assures her he won’t let her fall which is so important because he accepts the fact that she trusts him and he want to be worthy of that trust which is a big step because it means he cares. And they have the loveliest moment, just the two of them, no grace clouding his mind, no hatred, no unnecessary talk, just a husband and a wife enjoying the nice weather. He helps her off of the horse and he grabs her waist but he doesn’t feel the need to take off his hand and it shows progress, it shows he enjoys having her close and he looks at her, it’s the first thing that came to his mind, her beauty and now he doesn’t feel guilty about it. He stares at her, he enjoys it and he doesn’t want to stop. And finally because well, this story couldn’t just stop there, it reached a whole new peak in beauty: their real, true first kiss. It doesn’t mean we have a fairytale and happily ever after but it feels like a true promise of better things coming up, the kiss he gave her on their wedding day (as a way to seal their wedding vows) was given...reluctantly to say the least but now, he was promising her to be better in the future and truly respect those vows and it’s just the most perfect ending this story could have! It was just a magnificent, so beautifully well written story I don’t even know what to say anymore (and I think I’ve already said way more than I should be allowed to!) than it was perfect, you’re so talented and I’m so thankful you agreed to write this! I hope I haven’t killed you with my pages of review lol! Have a wonderful day <3

Ps. I didn’t proof read this so sorry for mistakes and nonsensical sentences :)

Hello!

First of all, thank you so much for writing me to tell me how much you appreciated your fic. I really like knowing that the person who requested a specific fic enjoyed it so, It means the world!

And just look at that! I certainly didn’t know anything about your exam, but what a marvelous most serendipitious coincidence! It makes everything seem much more magical, don’t you think? The universe never ceases to amaze me! 🥰

Also, thank you for the analysis. I always like to write things so that they go beyond words in order to convey feelings and stir deeper emotions and I’m so glad you not only perceived them but also liked what I was trying to project!

I too, feel in my bones that Tommy’s mother’s death affected him a lot. Maybe it’s not something that keeps him awake at night (or all nights) but I definitely feel like it is one of the thoughts he keeps on the back of his mind and is constantly nagging him. And polly of course is one of if not the only one who can see it.

As for the wedding and their marriage in general, I did want to show Tommy having this conflict because as we know, our man doesn’t let go of things easily. And like Tatiana Petrovna once said, his fear is freedom. Im not saying that Grace stopped him from being free, but he insisted on staying in the past, and when the reader comes up she’s basically carrying with her this humongous banner that reads FUTURE.

He does think the reader is pretty and he knows that his family accepts her and his son loves her but he doesn’t want to give in, he’s almost afraid of doing it, so what is the easiest thing to do? Push her away. And still when he’s awful to her she helps him because I want to believe she can also look behind the walls he so desperately put up around him. In the end I didn’t want to make it like *poof! They magically fell in love! * but like you said, I wanted it to end with a promise of better things to come.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write. I enjoyed analyzing Tommy’s mind with you and I hope you have a lovely day as well!

P.S: Congratulations on your exam results! 🤍💐

[combat-wombatus]

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

or

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌���

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[afterthelastreset]

Krisei Zodiac Event Aries Week

Aries Zodiac Sign Info Gotten From:

https://www.horoscope.com/zodiac-signs/aries

“The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries are the trailblazers. Passionate and independent, Aries will never do something just because everyone else is doing it—a Ram needs to be 100 percent committed to the task at hand. Competitive to the max, the best way to motivate an Aries is to turn something into a contest. Aries will put everything they have (and then some) into winning. Loyal, smart, and impulsive, they always have multiple projects on their mind, and won't be satisfied until their work, social life, and personal lives line up exactly with the dream life they've envisioned. Those who are drawn to magnetic Aries may have trouble keeping up—but if they can, they'll have a friend for life.”

🔥Aries Week

Day 1: *when Susie Dares you on a blind date*

The candlelights were lovely tonight. Shining brightly against the otherwise dark room, making shadows dance across the walls and adding a certain flare to the whole scene. The few rays of light that didn't make the darkness dance were shining off the small pile of food in front of them, making them hungry. But he couldn't care less about those food right now, right now he was more nervous about the real gem in front of himself.

The monster’s white fur sparkled against his beautiful  face, delicate pink eyes fluttered those lashes at him and if he wasn't already sitting down, he would've fallen over from nerves alone. Luckily being frozen meant he didn't have to worry about sweating in front of him. He had a whole new other set of worries though. Like did he put everything together ok? Did Susie warn him enough? Did she give him the right wine for this thing? Oh gosh he hoped she didn't give him apple juice. Not that the goat monster seemed to mind though. He was smiling that beautiful grin of his.

"I must say, Kris. I wasn’t expecting to be asked by Susie to meet a man in such a dashing suit.~" He glanced down to the wine bottle in his hand before back to him and giving a chuckle. Making him smile his nervous grin wider, "I never suspected you'd be one of such class.”

Kris chuckled nervously and pulled at the bowtie around his neck, "U-Uh. Y-Y-Yeah, I honesty didn't know if you'd agree to g-going out with a plain old human like me. ...UH! N-Not to say y-you're selfish or anything!" His face became more scared when he had realized what he had said. Holding his hands up. "I-I just meant that you might not have wanted to g-go with me since you're way out of my league...U-UM! N-Not saying you're one of s-s-shallow and stuck up nobles! Because obviously you're not!"

The monster chuckled at his obvious flustering. But not in a bad way, on the contrary. He thought this little scene was absolutely adorable. And the lengths he went through, though not as fancy as other dates he went on, it was still so sweet how he went through all the trouble of putting this all together just for him. Kris froze when he heard the dark prince chuckle but Ralsei didn't look mad in the slightest.

"It's quite alright.~ I must say the set up has been quite sweet thus far.~"

Kris stared at him in disbelief. "Y-You..You really m-mean it?"

He chuckled again. "Yes, and I can’t wait for this to happen again.”

“D-Don’t worry. That’s a promise.”

Day 2:*boldly taking the first kiss*

One moment.

That's all that it took. One small breath moment to have the two freezing up and staring at each other in silent shock. The two silently stared at each other for what seemed like forever- ....It wasn't supposed to happen you know. All this time just going through the steps together, gracefully gliding across the ballroom floor all alone..It was just supposed to help him learn, not to start gazing into each other's eyes for weeks on end in private after hours, admiring his strength. His booming laughter. His slowly steadying grace to the movements he was asked to teach the giant monarch. It was never supposed to come to a folly such as this. What cruel entity up above thought it'd be a great idea to push them together and set thing strange fate? If he had any sense, he would excuse himself, pretended it never happened, and move on with their lives...

But-

His paws slowly gripped tighter around him and one look already told him he couldn't get away even if he flung his whole body forward. Not that he wanted too anyways. Eyes slowly closing. The giant paws gently bringing them closer. And in a last flee from sane thinking or any other life boggling mysteries about this whole thing-

They kissed.

Day 3:*taking that bold leap forward and taking your relationship to the next level*

Bells toiled with the distance and blinding white decorations coated the entirety of Card Castle's halls. One could smell and taste the sweet smell of the decorative flowers and the amount of deserts on the table nearby. OH what a wonderful delight to the senses this fine day was. And it was all the better for the two who's the entire celebration was for. One couple who's hardships and difficulties were no match against their hope. WHo's love despite the impossibilities that should've been there to begin with, wasn't shattered or gone away. Oh! They were tested for sure. Thick and thin. With tears shed, labored sweat, and much fighting for it. But still gained none the less. A testament for the outstanding bravery they had faced all for this one important day they had only dreamt of until now.

But with the rings slipped on his fingers. The smile on his face. The happy tears making the make up drip down his cheeks. Happy sobbing and awes from watching crowds. There was only one thing he could possibly say to something like this-

"I do."

Day 4: *boldly choosing to leave your own world to live with the one you love*

The warm bed hugged their bodies as they curled up to each other. The soft pillows and mattress was supposed to bring one comfort along with the blankets in times of rest. That was their job. That's what they were supposed to do wasn't it? The comfort of sleep was supposed to be a relaxing experience to have for all. But unfortunately sleep didn't come easily tonight, not when the one next to you was tossing and turning, and eventually woke you up with his grumbling and kicking. Oh no it simple wouldn't do at all. Not just for his own sanity, oh he could worry about that later, but the giant next to him. He couldn't just leave that be. Oh that would simply not do at all.

Currently the supposed to be silent room was alive with soft humming and little mumbles of sobs and chokes. The larger of the two had himself buried within the comforting embrace of the much smaller man as he continued to let out the sorrows of that night.

"I miss him, Ralsei. I-....I sometimes f-feel like..I betrayed her with this!"

He shushed the human. Patting his back, "No, no thou didn't. he would've understood. he wouldn't have thought bad of you."

"I-I d-don't-..."

He shushed him again, letting the two of them slightly rock back and forth. “You’ll be alright. Im here to help you."

Day 5:* Ralsei makes a bold move to contact the human*

It'll be ok just breath. Everything was going to be alright. There was totally not a chance this was going to blow up in his face, and he had zero chance of really embarrassing himself again in front of a potential hero. Yep! All he had to do was relax and not do anything to embarrass himself as always. YES! EVERYTHING WOULD BE TOTALLY FINE!!! He gave a couple more big gulps of air into his lungs as his body did the usual totally not nervous habits of tapping his foot, and wringing his hands together as he nervously kept staring up at the large door awaiting the approaching two. There he was....The hero. Well heroes but he wasn’t looking at the tall lady. Instead at the handsome hero of sparkling red eyes and fair blue skin as he walked towards the dark Prince. Ralsei could barely speak. Thank goodness his embarrassed face was hidden by the cloak. He swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke.

“Greeting Heroes...”

Day 6:* Kris contemplates his own family and the one he grew up with*

How does one decide another's worth? How does one predict another's personality or their impact they leave behind? Well unless you can see into the future and know for sure what you're dealing with then you're in for surprises. Which is what happened to him not too long ago. He could admit(just to himself) that he never expected to be surprised by someone he originally perceived as an easy pawn to his own needs. He never expected to be the one drawn to something so opposite of himself. But here he was, one moment minding himself the next-

The small child happily laughed and hugged the other man who was holding him. A strange family to one seeing it from the outside, but one he was more comfortable and familiar with over time. One he had to learn to accept but it was worth it in the end. But that brings up another question. What exactly made up a family? Most would picture a small house with a picket fence, a mom and dad, and a little boy and girl running around. But truth is it's not always that simple. Family is beyond blood or marriage.

It's who's always making you smile and there for you.

Day 7: *A kiss during a play is a forward move*

*Highschool drama club au*

The bright lights on the stage was almost blinding to the eyes of the ones on stage, and the audience but they weren't important right now. The glowing white light reflected perfectly off the two as they stood there wrapped in each other's embrace. Of course to the audience this was just another act of the school drama clun, and the ridicules costumes they were wearing for said performance were uncomfortable, but the way they was being held. The way the dashing prince's outfit fitted him. The way the white light shined off his beautiful features, no matter how artificial this role was, was absolutely breathtaking to them.

His handsome smile and fluttering eyelashes were to die for.

"And so. The Princess was safely returned to the Kingdom of Monsters," the narrator shouted somewhere on the stage to their right, but they barely paid attention. They were more focused on what the last part of the play script meant for them and their beautiful goat prince afterwards. "And the brave Prince was rewarded with her hand in marriage. They spent the rest of their lives together and lived happily ever after!"

The audience cheered in celebration and internally so did they when the prince finally got the oh so awaited kiss that was so rightfully his. It seemed like years before they pulled apart staring into each other's smile.

"Happily ever after, My Prince.~"

"Happily Ever After to US, Kris.~"

@krisei-world

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 2 - “Landen’s Going Home” - Emma

Billy's back! If we lose I am screwed heavily, though I do think there's a chance. Slide puzzles aren't my thing, so hoping for the best out of this.

Kathy, I'm voting for you. Bailey had a good excuse for not doing the challenge, and I haven't heard anything from you, whatsoever. Hate to say it, but your ass is grass, pal. 

i'm gonna be a lazy bitch and do a written confessional this round bc i look too ugly for a video. so, basically after the events that transpired last round, jordan came begging at my feet for my forgiveness after lying to me about the vote. he doesn't realize that i knew what he was doing before the fact thanks to sammy, so i just played along and acted like i didn't know and told him that i understood his perspective and understand him lying to me. but believe me, a bitch never forgets being lied to. like, if he can so easily lie to me this early in the game, how am i supposed to trust him going forward? i guess it doesn't really matter because he's he easy boot if we happen to lose again before a swap. but i think i did a good job of making him feel like i wasn't mad so that he will trust me in the event of a swap or if we lose again he won't vote me. also, i'm pretty confident that both sammy and caeleb consider me their closest ally. they both tell me about their findings in the village so i'm getting two people per round telling me where not to go, so that's super helpful. i could see the three of us going far but i'm sure that the two of them will go for each other eventually, especially if they are both competing to have me be their number one. i'm fine with it tbh. sammy also got a vote block from the village. so now he has an idol that lasts for two more tribals, and a vote block lasting for one more tribal. so definitely think sammy is of more use to me at the moment especially since he has all of these advantages. my tribe won immunity this round which is nice. i'm glad i can just relax and not worry about a tribal. i hope we can keep winning until a swap bc i think all 3 people left on my tribe could be of use to me. also fuck connor, he told everyone at the arena that me and caeleb have a premade, as if we even knew each other before this game. someone is bitter that he couldn't make relationships and was first boot. so im sure that information is spreading around and i should probably worry about that. but oh well, i'm just gonna focus on winning for now! woo go me.

Alright, so here we are, the first loss of the 2020 Tumblr Olympics.   Sure, we may have had the Silver medal bonus for that challenge, but the tribe just isn't suited I guess towards slide puzzles, and plus Bailey was busy so wasn't able to compete like we had hoped.  It's all good though, as I always say that life comes before an online game, so nothing but respect.  Anyways, I formed a three person alliance with Beck & Ben, basically as far as I am aware, us three are the most active on the tribe, and really only ones that talk much on the tribe, so basically they are the only two I really connected with enough to be able to put my trust in, just hopefully this alliance all works out for now.   Then in terms of this vote, I feel it will be Kathy going, as she just doesn't seem all too dedicated towards the game/is a little inactive, and not talking really to anybody, so even though I do like Kathy, just inside this game, at least at this stage of the game, we need tribe strength, and she just isn't going to be putting that through whilst not being as active as others.   Anything can happen though, and there is still the arena yet so who knows, the person voted out of this tribe could end up coming back with a gold medal.

i'm pretty sad that my tribe is going to tribal but at the same time i'm confident i won't be leaving, mostly because 2/5 of our tribe members aren't very active. i also have this alliance with ben and darcy now which seems like a strong trio, so even though we lost immunity it could be a LOT worse. unfortunately the downside is that if we're voting out kathy (which is most likely) she's probably too inactive to do the arena challenge, so we're not gonna get any medals in the arena... but that's alright i suppose, we just have to work hard for the next one. if ben can't participate in the next immunity challenge i feel like our tribe is gonna be in a really tough spot. but i'm praying for the best anyway.

Not gonna lie, slide puzzles are awful for immunity challenges, especially if the RNG is manipulated just right. There's a way to solve them correctly every time, but to do it in the minimal number of moves requires that everything go your way in terms of luck. I'll take the L, but I am not happy. 

i’m honestly so frustrated that emma didn’t even submit but! she’s such a sweetheart that i felt really awful voting to get her out, but that was just a lil. hm. also apparently i’m close to her now? so that was inch resting to hear. thank u billy

Landons going home 

my truth is that i keep forgetting check my skype and i want my teammates to glock me and vote me out 

Even with the gold medal I won, we still somehow end up going to tribal. Tell me, HOW THE FUCK DO WE MANAGE TO DO SOMETHING LITERALLY SO ASTRONOMICAL?! It drives me mad how we had such a big advantage...christ. Anyway, a few things I'm thinking about heading into tribal. A) Everyone voted me last time, so I'm playing this one a little more no holds barred. B) I'm thinking about what's the biggest advantage to me whether the person I vote out comes back or fucks off into 24th place. C) I couldn't care less about how we're doing in challenges at the moment. I want people who'll be loyal to me, and in return people that I can put my faith in. Right now, that's Emma and Emma only. However, she didn't participate in the challenge, so it's a little bit of an awkward situation. I know that Landen, can be an extremely good player UTR heading later into the game, and to be honest I feel like he's a bit shady. So, adios to him. I get Emma and Juls vote, and Jacob if he cares enough, easy done. I'm 99% sure tribal will go my way tonight, here's to hoping the odds are in my favour!

I am now apparently a swing vote somehow someway. Landen or Emma goes. I would prefer to vote out neither of them, but hey, I could end up going to. Were you expecting something better? nah. Five player tribes SUCK. Billy and Landen are battling for control of the tribe. I kindof like that battle to continue. Plus I trust Landen, kindof. If Juls is voting Landen, I vote Landen because there's no point. If Juls votes Em, then I vote Em. If Juls doesn't respond before the vote, uh, we'll see. I think she'd be more likely to vote out Landen, but like idk. EIther way, none of these people are me, and I am a number to anyone involved. Mission success? I just need to challenge beast a little bit more.

Ughhh I don't want to be making this confessional right now. Hardly anything has changed since the last time I went to tribal, in terms of my annoyance with the team. We were SO close to winning, we almost had it, and we could've gotten it if Emma had just SUBMITTED. I actually really like her too so it's really frustrating that she does this but I can't justify keeping her when she just.... didn't submit. Not only that but she never apologized, commented on it, or anything. Like that's just plain disrespectful. So I'm wanting to vote her out. Unfortunately I feel like Juls is way too close with her, their bond is dangerous and Juls probably feels like she has to work with Em because they are some of the only girls in the gay-infested ORG community so they just feel a natural connection from that, and they are similar in other ways as well. I definitely feel like those two being as close as they are will be dangerous to me tonight and I know for a fact my name was going around, too. I heard about that from Jacob and it's not surprising at all they would throw my name out. The danger is they could abuse Billy, and they know it. They're definitely trying to get me voted out, and they're definitely trying to use Billy as a number to do it. Which is absolutely ridiculous since they were the first ones to throw his name out and push for it, but oh well. A snake's a snake, and I'm going to try and chop this one's tail off. Notice I said the tail because Emma is literally useless and does absolutely nothing and she's lucky Juls is tryna carry her through this. I'm pressedt. I definitely know I'm in danger and it's like, whatever. If I go in, I'm fine, I can presumably make my way out of the arena and back to the game where I can wreak havoc and be righteously emotional because taking me, the person who got the best score and has been making the most effort to actually talk to people on this deadbeat fucking tribe, out, in Round 2, is kinda just psychotic. I'm absolutely livid and I just... Ugh, it has not been the best week and this game is just starting off so slow and I hate my tribe SO much like it's literally disgusting. I used to hate the One World Twist and I still do as a concept, but thank GOD for it being in this one because I can only tolerate my tribe thanks to being able to talk to people from the other tribes like Jacob, Sammy, Caeleb, etc. I just want this round to be over with and to stop losing for just a few rounds. whew that's all i have to say fuck emma for throwing this 

So I survived tribal! That's great! I was really hoping it wasn't going to be like a permanent red mark against my record. I obviously had a plan for if I did go into the arena, and I figured I would survive, but I'm really glad I don't have to have that permanent scratch on my Tumblr Survivor Record now, and hopefully that makes the endgame easier to navigate. You have to consider things like the FTC early in seasons like these because of the one World Twist and the Arena twist. Both totally impact whether the jury will vote for you, and so it's important to be thinking far more ahead than one usually thinks in Survivor. I'm honestly SHOCKED that I survived tribal tonight, I was 100% Juls and Billy were voting for me, but I'm really glad it happened. I think this confirmed my loyalty with Billy, but in tribal I did come off passive aggressive and honestly, they can deal with it. I wanted to be slightly entertaining but still try to sound rational and sane in where I was coming from, hopefully I accomplished like that? Like I was just so frustrated that my name was in genuine consideration, from what *I* had heard. Like... why the fuck? I got the highest score in the challenge, offered to do flag and did chant for the other team, Emma did nothing both times, it was obvious she should've been the vote. And I'm really happy all the tribe came around with that. I'm really happy I can appreciate loyalty from the people I've grown to like on this tribe. I think I can count on Jacob as a number, and as far as Juls and Billy go, I love those two man. They are great people and I love talking to them. The only issue I have with this tribe is everyone is quiet and shaky and on such a small tribe, everyone gives indefinite answers and it makes things fucking awkward and paranoia runs rampant as you saw tonight. I'm just happy to be safe, have numbers, and be out of the damn Arena. That being said, this tribe is still too tiny and with a possibly furious Emma coming back to exact revenge (and I know she has a lovely heart and personality so I'm definitely expecting her to win over an army) I want to swap out of here as fast as possible so I can begin building my own path to a glimmering throne. 

He’s not as good at challenges as billy, and I’m close with juls and Jacob so I’m not voting them, and billy is immune And everyone is voting with me in theory except landen Next round I’m hoping we don’t go to tribal lol 

This tribe kindof hates each other. Landen and Billy are distrustful of each other. Emma and Landen are also distrustful. Juls and Landen and Emma and Billy are pairs if we want to go that far. I am good with Emma and Landen, Emma slightly less so now, but I did help her out quite a bit. I'm playing both sides pretty well, let's see how far that'll get me, cause I need to be incredibly careful. Juls is also viewed as a greater swing vote, so if both sides-ing does come back to bite us, it should bite Juls before me. Hopefully Emma comes back.

so round two has been a bit better, i think ive repaired all my relationships on my tribe and even managed to stand out in the challenge so maybe they think theyll need me and keep me around. Long story short i think I have longevity for now, but to be completely honest the longer this twist is in the game where once im voted out i just have to beat somoene in a challenge to get back like, im not overly concerned

Just wanted to ask HOW WERE WE ABLE TO WIN IMMUNITY WHEN WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A MEDAL?!?!?!?!?!? *cackling* Also Connor getting voted out is what he gets for saying in the main chat to vote me out. <3 u Connor <3 

[metalslimes]

Zevwarden week day 2: Wardens Gift

i know its the last day of the event and im just now posting day 2 but whatever

ao3 link

It had been three days since Arl Eamon had begun his recovery, thanks to The Urn of Sacred Ashes, and Arren was itching to get back on the road.  After the events outside of Haven the rest of his group was concerned for his well being.  One doesn’t just kill their tainted near-bonded without any repercussions.  But Arren’s wasn’t one to voice his emotions like that, he didn’t want to worry anyone, which, of course, just made them even more so.  The rest of the group wanted to relax a couple of days in Redcliffe.  Arl Eamon had graciously offered them each a room in his castle and they were all eager to sleep in real beds.  Except Arren, who just wanted to get back on the road.  He never liked cities, and he had a hard time sitting still, especially when he was trying to avoid thinking about something.

He had spent the first day catching the Arl up on recent events and making plans for the foreseeable future, but after that he was left to wander the town and surrounding area while the rest of his team took a well deserved break.  Arren did whatever he needed to to stay busy in the day; helping around the village, training, hunting, entertaining the children, anything.  At night he was quieter than normal as his friends dined in the castle, frequently sneaking out to walk around the town.  Tonight however, he spoke his mind.

“It is time we continue our task, we have much to do.  Tomorrow morning we should leave.”

“Agreed.”  Sten nodded, arms crossed.  “We have spent too much time here.”

Alistair dramatically sniffled.  “Goodbye soft bed, goodbye actual meals…”  But he knew his fellow Warden was right, so he would only mildly object.  Surprisingly, it was Zevran who pushed his preference against Arren’s word.

“Actually, dear Warden, could we perchance stay another day or two?”  Though he tried to play it off casually by reclining in his seat, Arren could tell he was nervous about making such a request.  Did he worry he was being out of line?  He had been travelling with the rest of the group for near two months, he had earned his trust and should speak his mind.  Of course, Arren couldn’t just give in because he had a soft spot for his fellow elf.  Instead he gave Zevran a curious look.

“What for?”

“I seem to have gotten myself into quite the situation, and I would hate to leave loose ends,” he replied vaguely, though he didn’t shy away from Arren’s stare.

“A situation.”

“A situation.”

“Is this a situation you’d like to share with the rest of the class?  Perhaps we could help.”

“No no, I’d much rather do this on my own.  It should not take much longer.”

“Oh?  Does this happen to involve the pretty blonde from the tavern?”  Leliana smiled teasingly.  “You have been spending an awful lot of time with her.”  That got Arren’s attention, though he was quick to hide any surprise or hurt.  He knew what his relationship with Zevran was; it was recent and it wasn’t serious.  Zevran had been very clear from the beginning that if they were to have a relationship, Arren must understand that it would not stop him from flirting with others, and occasionally, should he desire, sleep with them.  The same would go for Arren.  Arren had agreed, so why it made his chest feel heavy to hear Zevran wants to stay in town because of someone he met was beyond him.  Of course, he could be getting ahead of himself, no one said they were sleeping together.

“Perhaps it does, my darling bard.”  Zevran threw the grin right back at her, leaning on his elbow.  “And perhaps you would like to join me tomorrow- permitting we get to stay that is.”

She scoffed, taking another sip of her drink.  “I think not.”

“What say you Warden?  Will you grant my request?”

Arren was quiet, debating it as he finished his food.  Finally he nodded.  “Two days at most.  We leave at dawn on the third.  Unless you finish early, tell us so we can go.”

“But of course.”  Zevran’s grin widened as he excused himself.  He lightly touched Arren’s arm as he passed, humming contently.  Once he was out of the room Alistair turned to his fellow Warden.

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Doesn’t what bother me?”

“That!  Aren’t you and Zev...canoodling?  And he just asked to stay here longer so he could keep doing that with some girl at the tavern!”

“Did he now?  From what I gathered he is simply taking care of some personal business.  There may or may not be a pretty girl involved.”

“Oh there definitely is.  Doesn’t it bother you that he flirts with everyone?”

“Not at all.”  Which was...mostly true.  The flirting he didn’t mind, yet… “Zevran has been nothing if not honest with me.  I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to ‘canoodle’ with him.  If he also wishes to canoodle with others I will not stop him, nor would he if I did.”

“But you don’t.”  Leliana joined the conversation, watching Arren from behind her glass.

“No, that is not who I am.  But I will not stop Zevran from being who he is, nor would I want to.”  He stood, hands on the table.  “I appreciate everyone's...concerns...with my relationship, but it is not needed.  I trust Zevran and I trust that we will both act like adults should any conflict between us arise.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find something to do for the next two days.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As it turns out, he spent the next two days frequently on the roads around Redcliffe.  Morrigan, Sten, himself, and his Mabari Falon’din often hunted and trained together, not caring for the city life.  Or in Falon’din’s case, just following his master.  Arren would wake in the morning to Zevran getting out of bed.  Once or twice they ran into each other either in town or at the castle.  They’d all have dinner together, then Zevran would leave again, not coming back until well into the night.  When prompted about his day the Antivan would shrug.

“I will be having more drinks with the lovely lady at the tavern our dear bard mentioned.”

“I have almost finished my business here, just one more day my Warden.”

“Worried are we?  Fear not mi amor, no one in this town would touch any of their heroes.”

Arren decided not to push his luck.  He trusted Zevran, and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with his day.  Yet he was clearly hiding something, and that hurt for some reason the Dalish was not ready to sift through.  He had far too much else to worry about.  

Alistair was a surprisingly good comfort to Arren in Zevran’s stead.  Of course he thought of Alistair as a brother and turned to him for advice frequently, but something this personal was better handled by someone better with words.  Perhaps it was how Arren had helped his fellow Warden after Duncan’s death, but Alistair was quite the support as Arren grieved his dead clansmate.  He would push for Arren to talk about it, but knew signs of when to back off well enough.  With Zevran gone most of the time, Arren turned to Alistair for the nitty gritty Warden and taint related truths and comforts, to Leliana for something more idealistic, and Wynne when he just needed to be around someone.

For now though, all he needed was a bit of space and silence.  Arren laid on the roof of the castle, arms behind his head as he stared at the stars.  He recited Elven constellations and their stories to himself, keeping them fresh in his mind.  His ear flicked as he heard quiet footsteps, though he didn’t look up at his sudden companion.  Instead, he pointed up at the sky.

“Do you see the one that looks like a halla?  See her front legs in the air, and her head held high?  That is Equinor, Ghilan’nain’s constellation; the mother of halla.”  His companion hummed, laying next to Arren to join him in his stargazing.

“The stallion, yes?”  Zevran spoke fairly quietly, it felt wrong to speak at a normal volume.  “I always thought horses were to Tevinter’s, what dogs are to you Fereldon’s.”

“Constellations have many stories.  Alistair tells me that the Gray Wardens say it is a griffon sitting, not a horse or halla.”

“Speaking of many stories, I assume you did not share any at dinner, since Wynne says you did not attend?”

“Apparently neither did you.”

“No, I was finally able to wrap up my business here.”

“Good.  We can leave tomorrow then.”  Again Zevran hummed, and the two fell into a peaceful quiet, enjoying eachothers company.  Yet when Zevran reached for Arren’s hand, the other elf flinched slightly.  Zevran faced his leader, an eyebrow raised.  When Arren remained silent, refusing to look at him Zevran sighed.

“I had hoped our little groups mother had been wrong in her scoldings tonight, though perhaps she was not.  She tells me I have been neglecting you.  That while I am free to make my own choices, I should consider how they affect others.  You recently lost your Bonded, then in your time of need I spend my days in a tavern with another.  I see how that could be taken, and I want to assure you that nothing happened between her and I.”

Taking a deep breath, Arren’s eyes remained on the stars.  “It would be fine if something had.  I know the terms of our arrangement.  I have been coping fine on my own.”

“Ah, but you should not have to, mi amor.  I would hate to assume, but I also like to fancy that I have a special impact on those around me.  I fancy thinking I have a special impact on you.  I know you do not like to voice such things, but if you need me, for any reason, I implore of you to act on those needs.”

Arren turned his head, expecting to find a smirk at what could very easily be considered an innuendo.  The sincerity and slight concern he found in Zevran’s soft smile instead surprised him.  He stared for a moment before returning the smile; smaller, and with more pain, but at least he was finally expressing himself more.  He took Zevran’s hand, looking back up at the sky with him.  After a moment Zevran sat up, prompting Arren to do the same.

“Ah!  I nearly forgot!  The reason I have been so absent, my business here with the woman at the tavern; it is a gift for you, mi amor.”

“A gift?  You didn’t have to do that Zevran.”

“After all you have given me and the others in our little group of misfits?  No, I did not.  But I wanted to.”  The Antivan reached into a small bag on his hip and handed a velvet pouch over.  Arren looked between the pouch and Zevran a few times before slowly untying it and pulling out the contents.  He gasped, staring at the wood carving in his hand; stylized tree with carvings resembling a hare, a hawk, and an owl etched into the bark.  Almost tentatively he ran his fingers across the small statue.

“Zevran...where did you-”  He stopped as Zevran put a hand over his, the other tilting Arren’s chin up to make him look at him.

“Ir su arvel tu elvaral u na emma abelas…”  He spoke slow and clunky, his accent making him put emphasis in the wrong spot, but even spoken in such a way Arren recognized the lines from the Elven song.  Long journeys are made longer when alone within.  “I know you have been through much, you are away from your clan and surrounded by shemlem.  You are made to be the strong and silent leader and make life changing decisions.  But you are not alone mi amor- ma vhenan.”

In the next moment Zevran was knocked back on the roof, practically tackled by Arren.  He grunted in surprise when he felt the others lips on his own.  Before he could react more than that the other pulled away, just enough to rest his forehead on Zevran’s.  Arren was not one to show emotions often.  In fact, the only other time he had seen the Dalish so worked up was when he saw Tamlen.  Twice.  But here he was, eyes closed, smiling softly, brows upturned, and whispering things Zevran couldn’t understand in Elven.  Slowly Zevran lifted a hand, brushing Arren’s hair out of his face and caressing his cheek.

“Ma serannas, ma vhenan…for everything…”  Softer this time, they kissed again.  When Arren leaned back this time, he got off of Zevran, examining the statue once more.  “Where did you get this?”

“Well!  The first night here when I went for a drink, I saw a Dalish woman on her own.  I knew you were in a difficult place, so I asked her for help in ways to cheer you up.  I told her how you like to make wood carvings, and she suggested making you a place of worship to bring with us on our journeys.  I wanted to serenade you, but settled for learning a sentence or two in Elven instead.”  He sat up, shrugging.  Arren leaned against his partner.

“It’s perfect Zevran...thank you.”  They sat together quietly for several minutes, enjoying eachothers company, until Arren spoke again.  “You know...I would have liked to meet this Dalish woman.”

“Perhaps I did not wish to share you, hm?”  He laid back on the roof once more, pulling Arren down with him.  “But let us not talk of others.  Why don’t you tell me more about this Ghilan’nain, and your Andruil.”

Arren spent his last night in Redcliffe wrapped in his lovers arms, telling grand tales of the Elven Gods, not despising the town quite as much anymore.

[oleaspur]

ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should. 

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long.. 

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

[buckyspetpsychopath]

Tell me you love me

Words: 5277 Daniel Seavey x reader Why Don’t We Italics is a memory

As soon as Daniels mum let him start dating at the end of Idol he had asked me on a date, we had been best friends since we were little so it was a shock but of course I reciprocated the feelings because hes the sweetest guy ever and i mean come on, he’s hot… The biggest shock was when we were 17 he decided to move to LA to start a band with some friends. 

“Hey babe you still coming over tonight?” Daniel asks through the phone.  “Yeah, I’m about to leave I’ll see you soon” I reply. We say our goodbyes and i hop in my car driving over to Daniels house. We were having a movie night. Over the phone Dani sounded quite nervous which makes me nervous as I don’t know why. I arrive at Daniels house and collect the bag of junk food I have before walking up the driveway. Before I can knock the door flies open and Daniels arms are wrapped around me. I gasp from the impact but wrap my arms around him to, pushing him back a little so we walk into the house. The door closes behind us and Keri comes out of the kitchen. She looks at me sadly Nd comes to give me a hug. 

“I’ve ordered you guys a pizza, stay as long as you want y/n” she smiles sadly rubbing my arm. I furrow my eyebrows but I see Daniel glaring at her. Her eyes widen and she takes him into another room. “Daniel James don’t you dare walk away from me” she grits when they emerge from the living room. I’d been in Daniels house a thousand times but I feel like a stranger standing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs. “Mum just leave it, I’m going to sort it” he huffs grabbing my hand pulling me upstairs. When we get in his room he quickly pushes his lips to mine, I melt into him forgetting about everything that has just happened. He eventually pulls away breathing heavily, my hands are gripping the collar of his t-shirt tightly and his head is ducked. I take a moment to look around his room. 

For weeks I had noticed little things going missing but the room was practically empty. “Dani what’s going on?” I whisper making eye contact with him. He sighs and picks me up, laying me back on the bed dropping his head into my chest. “I’ve been avoiding telling you for weeks and I know your gonna be mad but please don’t shout at me” he whispers squeezing himself closer to me. He sounds like a little boy and my heart hurts hearing him in so much pain. I furrow my eyebrows when he asks me not to shout, we’d never really fought before and we were pretty chill about things so we never shouted. “Baby what’s wrong?” I frown getting really worried. “I’m moving to LA” he mumbles. “What” I choke out. He lifts his head to see the little trickles of tears skiing down my cheeks. “Baby no please don’t cry, this is why I didn’t tell you!” He panics wiping my tears, now sitting up. “When are you going? Why are you going?” I sigh. “Next Friday, and im starting a band” he replies twiddling his thumbs. My eyes widen and I jump off his bed backing away from him. His eyes flash hurt and he tries to move closer to him. “You’ve known about this for weeks and you didn’t tell me!” I say, my voice raising slightly. “What did you expect me to do? It’s no different, I couldn’t stand putting you through that” he huffs. “You’re putting me through it right now, if I had known I could have-” I pause trying to think.“ You could have what? There’s nothing you could have done to change my mind, why aren’t you happy for me” he yells desperately. “I am happy for you, this is all you’ve ever wanted. Music makes you happy and I know your going to make it big but I think it’s something we should have discussed. I could have come with you! Are you breaking up with me?” I yell back but as i go on my voice cracks and I start sobbing. I let him wrap his arms around me. “No. Princess, you make me even happier than music, I never want to leave you. But this is just something I got to do” he whispers. We fall to the floor sobbing in each others arms. 

There’s a knock at the door and Daniels mum comes in setting a pizza on Daniels bed. “Come on you two, get some food down you” she says holding her hands out to us. “I’m just going to go the toilet” I announce and they nod. I break down in his bathroom again letting it all out as quietly as I can. I press my forehead against the door for stability but I can hear Daniel and his mum talking. “I told you to tell her weeks ago. I’m really disappointed Daniel, you’ve absolutely broken her heart. Before she was your girlfriend you guys were best friends, you’ve always been together. You need to fix this. Now” she scolds. I wipe my eyes and don’t bother to make it seem like I hadn’t been crying because I was already crying before I came in here. I flush the toilet to make it seem like i went and emerge from the bathroom. Keri stands up and leaves shooting me another sad look. I see Daniel wipe away his tears and sigh, crawling up his bed into his lap. “I don’t like fighting with you” I mumble tracing shapes on his bicep. “Me either, can we agree not to fight again?” He asks and I nod. 

That night we finished our food and I ended up staying at Daniels house. I spent every waking moment up until he left, with him and goodbyes at the airport were extremely hard. “tell me you love me” I whisper with my arms around Daniels neck, standing on my tiptoes so our lips are inches apart.  “I love you, so much” he whispers nudging his nose into mine. I smile a little.  “I love you” I stutter out quietly. 

Our next notable argument was about the fact that he hadn’t called me. Now at first glance, it seems pathetic to get worked up about it but I had an awful day and we had slowly been talking less the weeks previous to that. 

“gold digger” “she’s only still with him because he’s gonna be famous” “you gonna run and tell your little boyband boyfriend that you have no friends?” “he’s only with you because he feels sorry for you, when he realises there are hundreds of prettier, skinnier, better girls. He’s gonna leave you” I hear them all say repeating in my head. I finally make it home and collapse on my bed. I look at the time and realise it was time for Daniel to call me. I wait around for a while and there’s no call so I decide to get in the bath. I’m relaxing when suddenly my ringtone goes off. I sigh and lean over to answer it. 

“hello?” I say.  “hey babe, its me” Daniel says and I sigh.  “why didn’t you call me when we agreed to?” I ask.  “I was busy.” he replies snarkily.  “seems like that’s all you say lately. Sorry babe I couldn’t call I was busy, sorry I didn’t text you before I was busy. I was busy before so I couldn’t face time” I round off.  “Are we seriously arguing about this? Its my job… Why are you being so annoying” He huffs and I gasp.  “Well if I’m so annoying I’ll hang up, save you the effort of doing so. I’m just trying to keep this relationship together but its hard considering you dont care and you put less than half the effort into it. I had a really awful day and I was excited to talk to you, since you don’t give a fuck I’ll just go” I rant and hang up the phone. He tries to call me back and I ignore it, throwing my phone on the ground and lay back in the back. I eventually get out and get dressed in my comfiest pj’s. After a while there’s a knock at the door. 

“come in” I call out.  “hey honey.” my mum says coming in. “so you had a fight with Daniel huh?” she hums. I turn to her confused. “when you wouldn’t answer his calls he got nervous so he called me. I explained to him what’s been going on. You should have just told him, and you should call him. He’s worried” she explains then pecks my forehead leaving again. I think for a moment and decide to just do it. 

“hello?” he answers.  “hey” I say quietly. “are you too busy to talk?” I ask biting my lip. I hear him sigh.  “that wasn’t a dig at you, genuinely. I get that its your job Dani, but it hurts when I feel as if you don’t care about me anymore. I mean whatever my mum told you…” I trail off.  “You should have told me what was going on, baby, seriously listen to me right now. There is nobody on this earth that I could want more than you, I’m not going to find someone else, I promise. Tell me you love me.” he whispers.  “Dani I-”  “please” he chokes out.  “I love you Daniel” I mutter letting a tear fall.  “And I love you, with all my heart. Please just trust me” he pleads.  “Dani I do trust you. I just feel like you’ll get bored of me, or lonely because we’re apart. I can’t afford to visit you, exams are coming up soon and I need to study. Sometimes I wish you hadn’t of gone” I admit feeling selfish.  “I know” he replies. “I don’t mean it in a bad way. I love that you have this opportunity, I just miss you”  “I miss you too. I’ll be home for christmas, then graduation” he informs me and I perk up.  “I’ll be counting down the days” I giggle. 

“Daniel we need to go bro” I hear someone say in the background.  “can you give me a second” he says back.  “Daniel its ok. Go. I’ll speak to you tomorrow” I say..  “Are you sure?” he asks.  “positive” “You’re not mad?”  “Go!” I laugh.  “Fine. Speak to you tomorrow. Night gorgeous”

Graduation came around soon enough and I was ecstatic to see Daniel since by then, I hadn’t seen him since Christmas. He had been moaning for months about how much he missed me in LA so I had arranged everything and as part of his graduation present, I was moving to LA with him. During the time he was away and with the help of Christina i had started YouTube. It grew easier to ignore the girls at school and eventually they gave up. Dont get me wrong I had I had other friends beside Dani and they were all devastated we had graduated, with mostly everyone going to different universities and me moving to LA. I was going to attend school there while I carried on YouTube.

“Hey Dani, can I give you your present now?” I say while both our families were at dinner together to celebrate. He smiles and turns to me. I look at both our parents and they look so excited. I hand him an envelope and his eyebrows furrow, he opens it then starts reading the letter. He takes out my plane ticket and looks back up at me with his mouth dropped. His mum was filming it and he turns to her. “You knew?” He asks raising his eyebrows. “We all did, who do you think helped her pack” Anna laughs. He hadn’t yet made any movement and I get a little worried. “Are you happy?” I mutter scooting closer to him. “Is this actually for real? Are you genuinely coming? It’s not a prank?” He asks dumbfounded. I shake my head and he jumps up pulling me with him hugging me tight. He backs away keeping one arm around my shoulders, his hand resting on the back of my neck. With the other hand he covers his face and starts crying. “Baby don’t cry” I laugh and everyone else does too. I pull him closer and he nuzzles into me. “Sorry I just miss you so much when I’m away and now I get to see you whenever I want” he chokes out pulling me into him connecting our lips. Everyone oohs and people around the restaurant had noticed and started clapping. We grin and when we sit downDaniels arm is firmly wrapped around my waist holding me as close as possible as we eat. 

I fly out a couple days after Daniel to make sure I had everything packed so we say goodbye at the airport and it’s not as emotional as the last few times. “So I’ll see you in two days” I grin. “Yeah” he breathes. “I’ll meet you at the airport. I can’t wait for you to meet the boys in person” he smiles. “Me too, see you later” I hum pecking his lips. He kisses back forcefully and I laugh pulling away. “Go before you miss your flight!”

Two days later and I had just landed at LAX, I had been texting Daniel but he was replying. I had sent most of my stuff ahead of time and the boys had put it in my apartment so I grabbed the small suitcase I had and head out the airport, grabbing an Uber and heading to the boys house instead of my apartment. I bang on the door when I get there. The door swings open and Daniel is standing there in sweatpants and a jumper. His eyes widen and he looks at the time. 

“I’m so sorry” he gasps. “I’ve been at the airport waiting for you for ages.You’re not even dressed” I frown. “I’m sorry, I was writing a new song and I didn't realise what time it was” he explains. “How could you forget? Do you even want me to be here?” I huff. “Oh here we go. Of course I want you here!” “What does that mean?”“You always turn things into a drama, your overreacting.” “I’m overreacting? You forgot about me! I was at the airport alone. You should have been there” I mutter. “Can you just drop it,you’re here now and I don’t want to argue the first day we have in our new life” he sighs and tries to take my hand. I pull away and cross my arms. He lets out a breath. “Come on, be mad at me all you want but I’m gonna drive you over to your apartment,” he says. I accept his offer and it’s completely silent. 

When we get to the apartment I sigh. “I just want to sleep but I need to put my bed up” I complain and Daniel stays silent, and I see a hint of a smile. I ignore it and unlock the door. When I walk in I gasp and take a step back hitting into Daniels’ chest with my hand over my mouth. He laughs and wraps his arms around my shoulders pecking me on the side of my head. He walks into me slightly so we can enter the apartment. “You dick” I cry out and he laughs along with the four other boys standing in front of us with various tools and boxes scattered around them. They had completely decorated my apartment and put mostly everything in the boxes, away.“I purposefully missed picking you up at the airport to surprise you, now you don’t have to worry about unpacking. We’ve done it for you” Daniels smiles as I turn around and pull him down into a kiss. “Woah, that’s so strange seeing Daniel with a girl” Jonah hums and we break apart. The boys and I look at each other for a second before we all run into a group hug. I had spoken to the boys many times over the phone and stuff and we often text back and forth as Daniel gave them my number. “Yo guys, you can’t steal my girlfriend” Daniel calls out and we break away from our hug. I turn to Daniel and he’s pouting. I roll my eyes playfully and stroll over o him. His hands are in his pockets so I wrap my arms around his neck. “Tell me you love me” he whispers, still pouting. I peck his lips and then whisper back that I love him. He smiles and makes a sudden action, picking me up bridal style. “Uhm guys, do you want us to leave?” Zach asks scratching his eyebrow. “No it's fine” I say at the same time Daniel says “yes please”. 

In reply they just smirk and collect their things before leaving. “Thank you!” I shout after them, though I doubt they heard me as Daniel was already walking me to the bedroom. “Are you sure you’re tired?”  “not anymore” I smirk. 

After a couple months of living in LA I had reached one million subscribers and was nearly on my way to 2. The boys and I had gotten extremely close. They’re just like my brother’s. It was a hot day and we decided to take a dip in the pool. 

Jack and I were in the pool playing around when Zach joined us. Eventually all the boys joined us minus Daniel who was sitting on a deck chair. I frown and go over to his side of the pool. “Are you ok? You not coming for a swim?” I ask, he just rolls his eyes and huffs pushing his chair back roughly as he stands up and storms inside. I look at the boys confused and they shrug. I sigh and wrap myself in a towel going to find Daniel. I find him in his bedroom laying on his bed on his phone. “What was all that about?” “It doesn’t matter” “It matters to me” “Go ask one of the boys” he snarls and I realise. “Are you jealous?” I laugh. “ I just wish you wouldn’t flirt with all my friends right in front of me” he shrugs going back to his phone. “What are you even talking about?” I groan. “You basically have no clothes on and you’re all over the boys, you haven’t paid any attention to me all day!” He yells. “Daniel, are you being serious right now? Am I supposed to wear a snowsuit in the pool? And do you honestly believe I would cheat on you, especially with one of the boys? Specifically, do you think any of the boys would do that to you? If you genuinely believe I would do that to you I don’t think you know me at all” I scream. “I love you Dani, so much. Tell me you love me too” I plead. “Of course I love you” he sighs tiredly. “I was just jealous. I know there will be someone more talented than me or more attractive that can scoop you up at any moment and I don’t want to lose you” he admits. “There will never be anyone better than you. Why would you even think like this? do you even realise how talented you are? Dani, you play like 72 instruments and your voice is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. It literally gives me chills. And seriously, can we just talk about how attractive you are? Dani, believe me you’re hot” I smirk walking up to him, laying my hand on his abs as he was still shirtless from laying by the pool. He bites his lip and wraps his arms around me, laying them on my ass. “I’m serious. I dont think I’ve ever saw somebody as attractive as you and I count myself lucky to be with you everyday because theres more of a chance you’re going to get scooped up. As far as I’m concerned you won’t ever lose me” I say and he smiles. He brings our lips together.  “Im sorry” he apologises.  “Its ok” I reply. “I’m sorry for making it seem like I was flirting with the boys, I literally think of them as brothers its kind of gross you’d think that” I snort and he laughs. 

“I hear laughter are you two done fighting?” Jack shouts upstairs.  “Yes” I shout back through my laughter as Daniel had placed his lips to my neck.  “are you smashing again?” Corbyn asks. I blush as Daniel replies with.  “Just give us 20 minutes” 

I start thinking about our arguments as I’m getting ready for an music award show. I had been invited as a youtuber but I was also attending as Daniels girlfriend. 

Someone knocks on the bathroom door as I’m finishing applying my lipstick. I yell that they can come in and before I know it warm arms are wrapped around me. I look in the mirror and grin at Daniel. He starts placing kisses on my exposed shoulder and neck and I close my eyes leaning back against him. 

“You look so beautiful” he whispers. I open my eyes and his smile widens.  “You look really handsome yourself, I’m so lucky” I whisper back admiring his outfit. He tightens his grip on my waist then lets go of me. He backs away and then Zach sticks his head in. “cars here guys” he informs us and we nod following him out the door. We join up with the boys, Logan and Christina who had flown over after receiving her own invitation, so coming to visit Corbyn was just a bonus for her. 

When we arrived at the red carpet we separated from the boys so they could go do their interviews as a band, Logan split off with his team so Christina and I made the executive decision to stick together. We take a couple single shots for the paparazzi then join up together. We head over to one of the interviewers and start chatting. 

“Hello girlies. A little birdy told me you two came with your boyfriends?” she grins and we do too.  “uh yeah, super excited to see them” Christina nods.  “Yeah, you live in New York right? How do you do the long distance thing?”  “Yeah how do you do that?” I laugh. “If I were away from Dani for that long I’d go insane. I’m actually kind of missing him right now” I say and the interviewer nods.  “I think we’re just used to it. We talk all the time on the phone, facetime, texting… and it just makes it extra special when we finally get to see each other again.” Christina smiles and my heart melts.  “Goals” I pout at the camera and she hits me on the arm. “If you want to see couple goals her and Daniel are the cutest” she laughs.  “Oooh yes, Daniel, they’re in the same band aren’t they?” the interviewer asks looking at me for confirmation and I nod. “How did you two meet?”  “Well its going to sound like the cheesiest and most cliche thing ever but we’ve been friends since we were little and then one day we came to the conclusion that we had mutual feelings for one another and we started dating. We’ve been together nearly 3 years now” I explain.  “Wow that’s a long time for a young couple!” she exclaims and I nod.  “Look at her face, she’s so in love” Christina snorts and that moment I feel someone press a kiss to my cheek and turn to see Dani running back over to the boys. I blush even harder than before and they make jokes about it before we talk about youtube briefly before moving on. We eventually finish press and head inside to our seats. The boys are already there and they stand up when they see us. They let us past and we sit down, soon enough the show starts. 

We end up meeting lots of celebrities and a couple fans. At one point Christina and I had shed our heels and were dancing to the music with Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens. The boys recorded the entire thing and at one point we had been filmed for TV and the jumbo screens. When the show ends we head to an after-party at Logan’s house. I assume to stick by Daniel’s side but as soon as we get there he ditches me. I frown as he makes his way over to a couple people who I assume he knows by how he greets them. I look at Corbyn and he had his arms wrapped around Christina introducing her to people. I furrow my eyebrows and head to the kitchen to get a drink. 

I’m alone for a while until I see some youtube friends. They make their way over and I hug them. We end up going for a dance in the living room. After a little while I decide to head outside for a bit of fresh air, nobody else is outside until I feel arms wrap around me and I grin and turn around wrapping my arms around their neck. My eyes widen and I immediately step back. The boy smirks and leans down to my ear. 

“Glad you’re happy to see me, I saw you dancing and couldn’t help myself” he laughs wrapping his arms around my waist. I cringe and try to pull his arms away from me.  “Please leave me alone. I have a boyfriend” I inform him but he just laughs.  “yeah right. Come on we can have some fun” he says leaning down again to kiss my neck. I squirm against him and let a tear drop when he starts reaching under my dress. 

All of a sudden he’s ripped away from me.  “When she says she has a boyfriend, she means it” Daniel growls with the boys behind him. I let out a choked sob and run into Christina’s arms. She wraps her arms around tightly as I cry into her. Daniel looks at me and his eyes flash hurt, before they turn to anger looking back at the boy.  “You’re her boyfriend?” he snorts and Daniels eyes squint.  “Yeah I am”  “unfortunate for you babe” he says looking at me. I let out a little whimper when Daniels fist connects with his face. The boys pull him away.  “Don’t you ever touch MINE or any girl like that again, she asked you to stop you ignorant twat” Daniel shouts but the boys drag him through the house, into the front where we call an uber. While we are waiting Daniel takes me from Christinas arms and wraps his arms around me. We get in the uber and head home. The boys go to the living room to just chill for a second despite it being late and Daniel leads me to the kitchen. 

“I can’t believe I had to save you from some douche” he groans. I frown.   “Why did you leave me tonight?” I whisper. I see Daniel roll his eyes.  “I had stuff I had to do”  “You left me” I huff.  “You’re not a puppy you’re capable of looking after yourself. Well, no actually. Apparently not” he says raising his voice.  “It wasn’t my fault” I whisper. “Its never your fault” he yells and my eyes widen. I realise I’m not going to have a calm conversation with him so I roll my eyes walking into the living room, sitting next to Jonah and starting to remove my heels. “Don’t walk away from me!” Daniel shouts following me into the room. The boys eyes widen but the can’t leave the room so they stay put awkwardly. 

“What am I supposed to do Dani? All you do lately is yell at me. I had no control over what happened tonight, it wasn’t my fault. He came on to me and I tried to make him stop” I huff angrily standing up.  “You shouldn’t have led him on then. I saw you dancing, it wasn’t exactly innocent.”  “Well you weren’t around the whole night.”  “I was catching up with people”  “Corbyn was too, but he brought Christina with him and introduced her, it really feels like you’re embarrassed to be seen with me”  “I’m not” Daniel frowns. By now we had completely forgotten about the guys watching us.  “Dani we’ve been together 3 years, I think it’s cruel to keep leading me on if you want to be with someone else you’ve got a whole sea of fans to choose from” I sigh.  "I don’t want to pick anyone else, I  want you” He whimpers holding my hand. “Don’t you know you’re it for me. Everything I need is standing in front of me, I don’t know who I am without you I don’t know what I’m living for if I’m living without you” he admits.  “Tell me you love me” I whisper rubbing my hand against his cheek.  “I love you so much” he whispers and walks over to Jack holding his hand out. 

“Daniel are you serious?” Jonah’s eyes widen. I look at Christina and she shrugs, the boy’s eyes are all wide. Daniel nods and Jack hands him something,my eyebrows furrow.  “I really think its time” Daniel says and the boys nod looking kind of giddy. Daniel pulls a ring out and my eyes widen, shaking my head vigorously.  “Daniel no, we’re too young, I’m flattered but…” I trail off.  “Its not what you think” Daniel laughs and so do the boys. “I love you so much, I’ve known you my entire life and you’ve been with me through everything. I know we’re young and I’m really not ready for marriage but I do know that one day it ill be you that I marry. So I want to give you this promise ring to show you that I will always be yours no matter what, and I want to be yours eternally. I promise that one day I will propose, but all I can do for now is love you” he says. My eyes well up with tears and I stick my left hand out, he slips the ring on my ring finger and I smile wide, imagining it being on my other hand and being engaged to Daniel. I throw my arms around his neck.  “I love you so much Daniel, you don’t understand” I cry out.  “Damn, Daniel is smooth” Christina chokes out laughing a little. We pull away and see her wiping her eyes. “Goals” she winks referencing our interview earlier on. I roll my eyes and wrap my arms around Daniels waist, pulling his shirt out of his pants so I could place my hands up it and on his bare back, something I’ve done since we started dating, for comfort I guess, feeling his bare skin against mine calmed me down. The boys had gotten used to it by now so they don’t make any dirty remarks like they used to. Dani smiles when he feels me pulling his shirt out and just leans down to peck my lips. 

“Are you two gonna smash again?” Zach groans. In reply Daniel smirks and scoops me into his arms, rushing upstairs. 

[metricanxiety]

i’m the narrator and this is just the prologue

Pairing: phan its the only thing i write lmao

AU: uhh, dan is a writer and phil owns a cute lil store? idk what thats called but thats what it is

Warnings: SMUT. Its not too bad tho. Swearing, Mentions to religion and awful humans, sin. 

AN: send me requests im begging you. 

---

Dan sat in front of the laptop on his desk, a hand holding his head up, and the other goose-pecking the keyboard, typing the final pages of the chapter he was writing. His editor gave him a deadline for the chapter two days ago, and was desperately trying to finish the dam thing before his agent came to off his head. Dan had already gotten many threats that they’d drop his project if he didn’t stop dropping the deadlines they were setting for him. But he’s already released successful novels, proven that they really don’t give a shit about the deadlines, but rather don’t want to make the readers wait longer for a book that is already beginning to get hyped up. 

His first novel was about his fiance’s childhood, but majorly fantasized. It’s about a little monster trying to escape the civilization he was raised in because his parents didn’t love him for the path he chose in life, to begin a family with somebody unapproved his parents didn’t like. A fantasy about gay rights. But would you expect anything less from Dan Howell?

As a firm believer in writing based on real life experiences, Dan was now writing a realistic fiction novel about a girl growing up in a super religious home, but realizing the beliefs she was brought up in isn’t actually what she believes, and how she over came the problems it brought. But he was stuck on a chapter, trying to make the story more interesting in the middle bits with a little bullshit. It wasn’t his strong suit, which is why he wrote about real experiences. Phil, his fiance, had earlier in the week that he should write a sexy novel, because Dan had plenty of experience in that to write a book about it. Dan laughed, but he could never imagine publishing such an erotic novel, knowing his future children may read it someday. 

The sun had set a while ago, leaving only the bright lights of London, and Dan’s laptop screen, to illuminate the room. Phil was due to be home any minute now, Dan had received the text about fifteen minutes ago that he was leaving the shop, which was about a half hour tube ride from the flat they owned downtown. They use the word own very loosely. Yes, the flat was theirs, but the mortgage was being paid paycheck to paycheck, since most of their money was being used towards the shop, and bills. But they made it work. 

Dan typed the final sentence of the chapter, she slowly, but surely, fell into the sweet slumber, the final one she would have for a long time; the storm was just beginning to form. It reminded him of how he felt when he was sixteen himself, discovering his identity. A tough subject for him, but can be empowering to young readers, so he forced himself to submit it to his editor. He still had another chapter due tomorrow, as they were trying to wrap this book up quick to release to the public, and well, so Dan could have a little extra pocket change than he does right now. Despite his previous successful novels, he actually didn’t have too much in his savings. Living in London is no joke for the bank account. 

He began the next page, but didn’t get halfway through the first sentence when he heard keys hitting the metal door to their apartment, and the familiar squeak of Adidas on the wood floor. Phil was home, which meant Dan could actually enjoy his dinner with the man he loved. It had been sitting in the oven on a low heat to keep it warm.  

“Dan? Are you in the bedroom?” He heard Phil call out. It was nice to hear his voice, as Dan is left alone for hours every day until late at night, when Phil would finally join him. They owned the store as well, but Phil had to be there four days of the week, except for Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays. He trusted the manager, which was Dan’s cousin, could handle it without an owner’s supervision. 

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec, dinner is in the oven.” Dan pulled a pair of pajama pants on over his boxers. It’s not like Phil hasn’t seen it before, but they were about to eat, might as well have some modesty. 

As Dan exited the bedroom, he was met with the open floor plan of their small flat, and Phil crouched down to try and get the tray of food out of the oven. He was in a navy blue button up, with white polka dots. Black jeans, and a red bow tie. He always dressed nice, even if it was just to go sit in the office of the store. He loved Phil for that. 

“Hey, love.” Dan smiled, walking over to help Phil, getting the tray out himself, and placed it on the stove. Phil stood up with him, placing a hand on the small of Dan’s back, and pulled him in for a kiss. “How was your day?”

“Busy. Which is a good thing. With Christmas coming up, everyone is wanting something from us. Cards, candles, you name it.” Phil said. He always referred to the store as his and Dan’s, but Dan didn’t really do much own there. It was mainly just Phil’s store. When Dan tried telling him this, Phil kissed his hand and said what’s mine is yours, my love. “How about yours? How is Angela doing in her quest to be her own person?”

Dan laughed, getting out two plates to serve the lasagna on. Phil leaned against the counter, making the space slightly crowded, but Dan didn’t mind being close to Phil. Especially when this is basically the first time they’ve seen each other today, besides Phil kissing Dan goodbye while he was still asleep. “Awful. I just submitted these past chapters to Haley when she wanted them two days ago. I still have a few to write to send her tomorrow.”

“Productive day then? I know you barely started the beginning of those chapters yesterday.” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan from the back as Dan used the spatula to serve the food on the plates, but was having sight trouble from the cheese being so stretchy on top. Phil kissed the back of Dan’s neck, the small short hairs tickling his nose as he did so. Dan had goose flesh cover his body, as his neck was very sensitive to him, and Phil always took advantage of it. 

“Kind of. I don’t know. Been struggling a little lately. There’s so much hype being built for this novel and I don’t know how well it’s going to turn out if it’s rushed like this.” He grabbed a few forks, and lead Phil over the the small table they had against the wall, and sat across from each other. 

“Take your time, I’m sure they won’t mind, they know you only care about the quality of the book.” Phil took a bite of the lasagna, exhaling in delight. “Thank you for dinner, babe.” 

“No problem. Didn’t take that long, and I had quite some time to kill anyway.” Dan jabbed slightly. Phil left extra early today, because he usually eats breakfast with Dan before he leaves for work. Phil needed to leave a little early today, however, because Sarah had something come up and couldn’t do it herself. 

“If you’re referring to breakfast this morning, I’m sorry. Sarah couldn’t make it in time, and I had to go open.” Phil reached over for Dan’s hand. It may seem ridiculous, but they were so close, their relationship was so valuable, that even eating breakfast together was important to them. It was the perfect start to their days. 

“No. It’s okay. Just wasn’t expecting to wake up to an empty flat.” Dan smiled, squeezing Phil’s hand.

“I know. I wasn’t expecting to be leaving so early either.” He paused. “But I’m home now, right?”

“Yeah. I know. But you know how I am.” Dan looked down at hid food. Phil knew he had trouble being alone for long periods of time, even though he did it every day. Dan thought too much, worrying about everything, which is the main reason he’s a writer. For example, if Phil doesn’t text him back within an hour of the text being sent, Dan starts to think that something bad happened to Phil, and that he needed help because Phil is usually very diligent about answering his messages. Dan says he thinks too much, but everyone knows it’s because of his anxiety. He hated being alone for so long because he doesn’t know if he’s letting his life go to waste by not going out with Phil, or going to visit friends more, and him being alone makes him feel guilty. Its a system they’ve been trying to ix for a while now. 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

Many people would call Dan controlling, or clingy due to this, but that was not the case at all. Phil knew Dan just needed that extra bit of information to feel safe, or know that Phil himself is safe. He doesn’t want to worry Dan more than he already does. 

They ate in silence for the rest of their dinner. Sometimes saying nothing has the loudest impact, and in this case it was. Just being in the presence of the other was enough for them. Phil collected the dishes, cleaned them, and put them away. It was about nine o’clock, and they didn’t really go to bed until around ten or eleven. Dan would sometimes go back and work on the novel while Phil did some basic chores around the house, or even catch up on some reading. But as Dan was walking toward the bedroom to finish his daily writing, Phil stopped him, grabbing his hand and spinning him back to face Phil. 

“I love you.” Phil smiled, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waste. Dan smiled, pressing his lips to Phil’s in a sweet, long kiss. 

“I love you too.” 

They kissed again, it wasn’t perfect, or calm. It was actually a little bit sloppy, because they had kissed each other so many times that there could be no bad kiss between them. Phil slipped his hands into the waistband of Dan’s pajama pants, resting them on Dan’s ass. He knew Dan thought it was ridiculous that Phil loved just grabbing, and holding Dan’s butt, but Phil found it quite funny that Dan thought that. Dan’s hands rested on Phil’s chest, slightly tweaking the bow tie around Phil’s neck but not doing much to actually take it off. 

“How about I make it up to you, for missing breakfast?” Phil suggested, resting his forehead to Dan’s. Dan was just a few inches shorter than Phil, making cuddling, and these type’s positions favorable to Phil. Dan quirked an eyebrow, moving his hands to the tie again, and began making a small effort to undo it. 

“Hm, depends. What are you going to do?” Dan asked, joking. He kissed the smile off Phil’s face, pulling the tie off Phil’s neck, and letting it drop to the floor. His arms snaked over Phil’s head afterwards, running his fingers through the dark black hair that belonged to the man he loved. Their sex life was calm, as they didn’t believe that they needed to have sex every other day to be happy, but when they did, the night was always extra special. 

Phil let Dan undo every button of his shirt before he began backing them into their bedroom. He shrugged off the button up, and began to help Dan out of the jumper he had on. They liked to take things slow, and savor every minute they had of the other. 

Phil pulled away for a minute, leaving Dan to sit on the bed, as he rummaged through the drawers, and shelves. He found a candle that he out on the dresser across the room for the bed and lit it with the matches he found in the bedside drawer. 

“You don’t need to do that. Dan said, laughing slightly. He began to pull off his pajama pants completely, so Phil didn’t have to do it, but left his boxers on. Phil shook his head, unbuttoning his jeans and kicked them off.

Phil pushed Dan to his back, laying half on him, half not, but still held himself up, so he wasn’t crushing Dan. Dan pushed the hair out of Phil’s face, tucking, what he could, behind Phil’s ears. 

“Hi.” Phil said, pressing their noses together.

“Hi,” Dan repeated, closing the gap between their mouths. Dan loved this part of the night. Where things were still beginning to heat up, but could still be stopped comfortably if one wasn’t totally up for it. Tonight however, was not one of those nights. It had been a few weeks since they last did this so it was relieving to be doing it again. 

Phil positioned his hips on top of Dan’s, moving them lightly, grinding down every few seconds. Dan threw his head back, getting the pleasure gently consume him, and Phil took the chance to attach his lips to Dan’s neck, and nibble at the sensitive skin. 

“Phil-” Dan exhaled, gripping Phil’s hair gently. He could feel how turned on Phil was, and he had no doubt that Phil could feel him. Dan was usually extremely quiet during sex, so when Dan said Phil’s name, it surprise him. 

They kissed again, mixing in their tongues, biting lips, and they became very touchy, Phil ran his hands up and down Dan’s side, stopping every now and then to poke, and tease his nipples. They had been together for so long that they knew exactly what made the other feel good, and enjoy themselves. 

“You realize that next week, its going to mark six years.” Phil said, his sentence rushed, trying to avoid making any unwanted noise. He made them plenty already, but he didn’t want it to interrupt him. 

“Holy fuck.” Dan said, smiling. They kissed again, sweetly. They can go from hot and heavy, to tame, and sweet in three seconds, just from the mention of their anniversary. Phil ground his hips down on Dan once more, bringing them both back into the lust, both wanting the same thing. 

Phil lifted his hips up, and ran two fingers around the waistband of Dan’s boxers, folding it over once, before pulling them off and over his long legs, leaving Dan completely naked. Phil kissed up Dan’s torso, nipping at a few spots that would make Dan’s breath hitch. “Top?” Phil asked, but Dan shook his head, Usually, Phil would top, but he always gave the option to Dan, wanting to make sure he wasn’t forcing Dan into a position he didn’t feel like doing. Almost always Dan would decline the offer. 

He reached over to the side table, grabbing the bottle of unscented lube, and a condom out of the little box they kept in the drawer. After having sex for six years, they never got tired of the basic ass shit they do. They were only really kinky on special days, like birthdays, or holidays, such as Valentine’s day or New Years. But any other time than that, they only really wanted each other, and would take it in any shape or form they could have. 

Phil took off his pants as well, and kissed Dan to keep the heat they had. He gave Dan a few strokes as they did, making him squirm and dig his blunt nails into Phil’s back. Phil kissed along Dan’s jaw, giving small pecks before biting at the skin right under his ear. As he did so, one hand grabbed the bottle of lube, skillfully popping the cap and squeezing some onto his fingers. He sat back on his heels, helping Dan wrap his legs around Phil’s waist. 

“I love you, Dan Howell.” Phil said, smiling down at Dan. Dan responded by sitting up and kissing the smile off Phil, holding his face with his hands. “There’s nobody I’d rather spend my life with than you.” Phil didn’t usually get so mushy and sweet during this, but Dan wasn’t complaining. He’d struggled with finding somebody to have in his life since his parents basically rejected him after coming out. Phil had gone through the same thing, which is what they first ‘bonded’ over, if you could call talking about your similar problems in life with someone as bonding. 

They didn’t spend too long on stretching, as Dan was use to the burn it caused, and eventually learned to treat it as pleasure. Phil tore the foil packet next to Dan’s bicep, and role the condom, hissing from the relief he was feeling from the slight contact. Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s forehead as he aligned himself, and began to push in. 

Dan’s nails dug into Phil’s skin, the other hand in his hair, pulling on the black locks, but still trying not to hurt him. Phil didn’t mind Dan’s reactions, however. He knew this part hurt like a bitch and he was willing to sacrifice his comfort if it meant Dan would be enjoying this more. It’s all he cared about, really. 

“Phil-” Dan’s voice was airy, like he didn’t even know he was talking, or making any noise at all, as if it were just a natural reaction for his body. Phil waited when he was fully inside Dan, letting him adjust. Phil bit Dan’s lip, pulling it lightly, and let it ping back into place, making Dan quite literally yank Phil’s head down to kiss him. Phil’s hips began to move, in and out, starting small, until he built it up to using his full length to thrust. 

Phil rested on his forearms, straddling Dan’s head on the pillow. They were both panting, overwhelmed with pleasure. Phil let out breathy moans every now and then, which gave Dan butterflies in his stomach. Even after six years, it still made him blush knowing that he was making Phil feel this goof, even though Phil was doing most of the work. 

Their noses bumped, making Phil smile, a reminder of the past, where the would only give each other Eskimo kisses, instead of real ones. They were super careful about their relationship at first, especially since Dan was only 19 when they started dating, and still living under the roof of his parents house. 

Phil would drop him off a few blocks down the street, and even though they wanted to so badly, they didn’t want to risk being caught in the prestigious neighborhood, or area he lived in, It was a really religious part of the London suburbs, and Dan couldn’t venture too far out beyond it, as his parents made a rule, even though he was an adult, they told him that if he were to live under his roof after betraying his own upbringing, and being a homosexual disgrace, that he was to follow the nitty gritty rules his parents set, and if he were to break them, he’d be kicked out. Those rules included no boys, or boyfriends. That was the only rule Dan broke that summer, before officially leaving to move in with Phil. To this day, his parents still have no idea that Dan isn’t living alone. They even had the courtesy to tell him that his first novel was “too much against the people who raise you to be who you are.” Dan would never be able to make them happy, and he was okay with that. 

Dan ran his nails along Phil’s back, maybe even breaking skin, but the feeling was just too good for him to stop, he could stop thinking about Phil, Phil, Phil so good oh my-

Dan let out a noise, almost a squeak, before he came over his stomach, and Phil’s. Phil finished not far after, into the condom. 

For about fifteen minutes, they just laid there, catching their breath, cooling down. But also just being together. They would peck the others nose, or kiss their hair, and just be the romantic cliche couple they are. 

They eventually cleaned up, and got on a fresh pair of pajamas, and after blowing out the candle, they realized how late it was. Phil chuckled, wrapping his arms around Dan who had sat at his desk, opening up his document again.

“Love, it’s almost eleven. You need to sleep.” Phil said, kissing his cheek. “C’mon, come cuddle me.”

Dan couldn’t turn down that offer, spinning his chair around, and standing. Phil invited him under the covers, which Dan had freshly washed due to his procrastination today. The fresh scent of the duvet made them both feel cozy, and at home. Phil wrapped an arm over Dan’s body, pulling him into his torso. Dan nuzzled Phil’s chest, kissing the bare skin, before muttering a ‘good night’. 

“Night. I love you.” Phil said, turning off the lamp next to him. 

“I love you more.”

ello yes dis is the end

i realy like this one actually???? ig idk lol

SEND ME REQUESTS IT WILL MOTIVATE ME TO WRITE HHHH

[rqs902]

.

LOL MTY AS MA ZHENNAN IM CRYING HAHAHHAHAHA the rap with the hat covering his face and the running around im ded. i appreciate da xi and rainbow’s silliness too but i think mty was just so extra and was so out of his normal sleepy looking state LOL

im just laughing at how much tyler is laughing at everything LOL

aw just seeing tyler’s outfit makes me think that yingge and ruiyang have had a big influence on him haha yingge really looking out for him like an older brother by arranging to have cake to celebrate tyler’s birthday 

L O L liao juntao is comforting szb by telling him to not mind the haters bc he shouldnt care about them, he doesnt even know who they are. and then the next second being like “你就說你愛不愛你哥哥” and being like “HE NEVER SAYS ITTTTT” SMH HAHHAHAHA hes the dorkiest older bro that you can rely on to give you encouragement when you’re down but also will no doubt embarrass you beyond belief in public 

hm :\ i see they tried to address the zhang yang issue concisely. i mean, i guess its better than them completely ignoring the fact that there was an issue. but it seems like they painted it as zhang yang having anger / emotional control issues and they were about to force him to leave but xiao zhi and yang runze begged them and zhang yang felt regret and sad so they let him stay. and he has since started to open up about his feelings more. this feels like such a sterilized retelling of what happened, i still dont really feel like we can actually understand what happened. but from xiao zhi, yrz, and zhang yang’s weibo posts they all insist that theyre being treated well by the show and not to worry, bc zhang yang’s got his feelings sorted out soooo idk but i wouldnt be surprised if that was something they had to do to get tencent to let zhang yang stay on the show tho

surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly considering his younger age and personality, yrz’s post is the most direct and he basically just simplified it down to them having worked hard on their composition but the tencent crew told them to change it and zhang yang got frustrated and angry. it got recorded and leaked and blown up so much that zhang yang felt really bad about it afterwards. 

we’ll probably never really understand everything that happened, but i guess all we can do is be grateful that tencent forgave him (bc he probs does not want a career of being blacklisted by tencent... seems like career suicide) even if there was or was not fault on both sides. im really hoping he feels alright. especially bc their group is doing so well on the show, its a good opportunity for them to gain more fans. 

it is so hard to keep track of these kids’ demographic info bc its not on the show’s wikipedia page or anything so i struggle to keep track without a collated place to look up info, but if i remember correctly i believe yrz is like 18? zhang yang was born in like 97? and xiao zhi 95? (could be wrong) but if that’s true, xiao zhi is like 25..... can we talk about this real quick? bc it must be a lot for someone like yrz being 18 to be going through all this, but it also must be real difficult for xiao zhi, can you imagine? trying to be the oldest bro, trying to keep them together, comforting and encouraging, responsible and depended on, and can you imagine the amount of 包容 he must have? and the fact that he didnt even want to be with zhang yang at first but has grown to appreciate him so much and the fact that hes the least popular one out of their trio, but is also the one keeping their whole team grounded? wild. i mean all that considered, i think im starting to be a xiao zhi fan. and a big part of it is the way he performs on stage, so free and with such enjoyment, but honestly this whole thing is a part of it too. 

lol xu yang telling xiao huang straight up “are you really happy? you said you dont get much screentime and now you’ve been separated from xiao li” -- BIG OOF. too real. omg that directness just hits you like a ton of bricks. rip

man i wish xiao huang and xiao li could reunite but also xiao li getting zero screentime when they flash to hyt’s group right after? sad. 

o i heard about yyg leaving the show but i didnt realize it was because he has an injury o gosh i hope he’s okay...... i thought he would’ve left bc he wanted to, but this feels more like hes being forced to, like he has no choice and he didnt actually want to leave his friends :( i was in disbelief that he’d just leave his friends, so i guess this makes sense, its just more sad. 

tbh watching the elims so far, i only cried when yyg was talking about how he couldn’t feel his legs but he still didnt want to leave his friends behind. even when the kids who are leaving were announced, it didnt leave as big of an impact, but maybe its because of the way they announce them all at once. the reshuffling... i feel like its true that things havent been easy for qiang ge, but i also feel like he mightve said he wanted to reshuffle bc it would make jym look less like the bad guy if two of them brought it up instead of jym alone. i guess it kinda makes zk look sad as a result though. 

for one thing, these kids are pretty lucky at least the show doesnt force them to be or stay together. the judges made a suggestion and they were allowed to say no. 

i feel like hyt is just picking kids based on their personalities and i cant say thats a bad thing, but it is interesting that everyone else on his team is gonna sing besides himself then lol 

ljt’s team picking jym? i feel like theyll have a lot of emotions, but maybe if they all respect ljt enough itll work out 

i can see xy being with wx’s team. xiao zhi saying wsh isnt his first choice but he’ll do it for his team to be happy, im a bit concerned, esp bc tbh wsh isnt gonna help them get more votes but i guess theyre not thinking about that. xiao zhi was the only one who didnt even walk over to get wsh, even tho he was the only one that was supposed to, as f-man. we’ll see how this goes... but again he didnt want to pick zhang yang at first and apparently thats worked out well so 

hmm qiang ge’s hesitation being labeled as a sign of lack of confidence, well hes been unconfident that people want his instrument for this whole show, but now he’s also scared that he’s going to be forcing people together against their will. the whole thing between wjy and muji... literally wjy tries to appear like he doesnt care, but muji obviously cares a lot. and the fact that they literally asked muji in front of wjy if he’d be ok with working with wjy, of course muji’s gonna say its fine bc what kind of terrible person would he be if he said no to wjy’s face? ugh obviously theres something going on but qiang ge seems like hes optimistic that he can be the go-between and fix whatever there is, but thats a lot to ask for from a child his age. and then mty also? qiang ge wiping his tears for him was touching but also telling of their relationship dynamic. qiang ge is really signing up for a lot... seems a bit idealistic, but hes popular so hopefully he’ll be okay. LOL wjy awkwardly asking muji if he’ll be okay and muji saying it will and qiang ge running to get in between them. oh man. we didnt get to see it that much but if i remember correctly, wjy just tries to do too much and muji is like no stop and then struggles to get wjy to listen. 

oh rip i feel like the kids who were leftover were some of my favorite kids.......... like da xi and rainbow and even ruiyang and tyler and samhar, i was looking out for them :( im just amazed they eliminated people who have made such a unique stylistic impact on the show. but i guess they werent popular enough. also sad that yyg probably feels guilty that his leaving meant his teammates got eliminated but they also feel guilty that he stayed behind for as long as he did even though he was suffering. 

hm not gonna lie this ep was not as emotional as the snzm elims for me, and i do feel like its prob in part bc im still more invested in snzm and the kids there, but also in part just the way the elims were structured, its not as big of an emotional impact for me. announcing the kids who got eliminated at first all at once, and then the rest are just the rest left behind after the kids choose teams again. its a bit rough bc you know they have to take the instruments into consideration too, not just friendships, which i think made the saving segment of snzm so emotional. it was raw friendship and they struggled so hard to choose, and it was framed as “saving” versus here its just reshuffling. it doesnt hit you as hard that those who dont get chosen are leaving until they start walking away. its interestingly different. its discouraging that kids i liked a lot were eliminated, but theres still a few left that i care about so ill keep watching for now...

[acefaerie]

I think its really understandable that a lot of younger people sort of assuming that somehow not having an attraction to others is seen as a virtue especially by religious groups. 

When i was a teen my lack of interest in relationships was seen by the adults in my life that “oh she is just shy” “she’s been a good girl and focusing on school work” and tbh that was the narrative i told myself.  

except, looking back there was an underlying concern from adults that I was “missing out” on the Ideal Teen Romance TM. I got hints of it when ever I made a new male friend. “Oh he looks like he might be your type.” followed by a hopeful smile. after a while i got the “Its okay if you like girls” because i think by this time my parents had realised “she’s really not that interested in boys is she”.

but these instances were mild, my parents, specifically my mother who is “liberal” mind you, and had many close female friends who were lesbian and bi, kept out of my way. I was doing well at school, i was a “good girl”. So for me i think i get why some young people don’t understand the pressure for people to pair up because when you are in highschool if there is pressure its from peers and generally parents consider you to be “just a late bloomer”. But this is my experience, which was.. 15 years ago, and the world has changed quickly and drastically it may be different for others. It may also be that i am privileged in coming grom a generally accepting family, that is not religious, that would have accepted without question any girls I brought home (in fact i was asked if i wanted to).

My peer group generally either made jokes about my lack of interest or assumed i was gay. the general knowledge around school was i was gay, even my guy friends who never asked me also just.. assumed that was the case. I was lucky in the sense that like my mother most of my friends were either bi themselves and therefore didn’t care or pretty liberal minded. so i was cushioned... except for this one girl Tanya. She was homophobic and hated me because of it, i know this because i overheard her complaining about me one time and it generally was about how she had interpreted any causual friendly touch i had with my other friends as “creepy and weird”. I was forced to spend time with her because one of my “best” friends  was really good friends with her (who we have another story about but its only slightly related to this) and wanted us to hang out all the time. 

Tanya made my last year of highschool hell. She poisoned friends against me, and created a sort of social outcasting that left me without a support group. I was unlucky that a lot of my out bi friends who accepted me dropped out the previous year for various reasons. So i was left with the only people who sort of hung out with me being the largely straight (or closeted best friend who when she did start dating a girl, did so in secretl) acquaintances of those friends, who were easily convinced by Tanya to drop me from the group.

but here is the thing. I never called myself gay, (a am a pan/bi ace yes but at the time the only thing i ever said or did was say “Im not really interested in boys” because I really didnt know what i was) just not being interested  was enough for Tanya. 

besides  my awful experience with Tanya I get why teens think “not being interested” puts a pretty light target on your back. even if my parents were disappointed i didnt experience the “ideal teen romance TM” it wasnt a huge concern. The bullying a recieved from Tanya is also ambigious because she was exactly the kind of bigot who was bigoted against everyone who was different she was basically the epotime of what prejudice people talk about when they talk about the “prejudice tree” where a bigotted person who is biggeted against one thing is bigotted against most things that are different from them.

What was my point. Oh, yes. in highschool the main negative reactions i got were from people sharing frustration and disappointment about me dating (though the “late bloomer” thought pretty much silenced this crowd) and the more aggressive lot who were homophobic and i fit enough of the criteria for them to consider me a target.

The first negative thing, the frustration and disapointment, as an ace i think that has become more impactful the older I have got. The pressure started to hit hard in my twentie. “Something is wrong with you” reactions from people grew the more i became “clearly an adult” Friends who were fine in highschool suddenly treated me like i was a kid who didn’t know anything about anything because “i hadn’t had a relationship or sex what do i know about being an adult”. My parents, though well meaning became more and more worried abut what was wrong with me.

Omg the relief they felt when i had a relationship that lasted two weeks (where i cried the whole time and barely even kissed the person).

relationships and sex are treated by our society as a right of passage for becoming an adult. So its fine to be a late bloomer, but thats what these people think you are “a late bloomer” not fully complete yet, still growing.

my mother who was so supportive in my teens and early twenties started letting her anxiety about me leak through when i spent most of my 20s not even “just single” but actively not looking I think she even once told me she just wanted me to have the experience of a real relationship, after i had one that was online (which was like having one without having to touch a person which i enjoyed, until he came over and there was touching and i didn’t enjoy it as much anymore because both I and he forced me into sexual situations i was not ready for but had been convinced by everyone i knew that that is what you did if you were in a relationship) after him i felt physically ill if i knew a person found me attractive so actively avoided being “too sexy” so people wouldnt.

the first healthy relationship slightly romantic relationship i had was a Queer platonic one, with a woman. Everyone knew we were in love, even my professors. but it remained platonic and honestly helped free me from all the toxic stuff that happened before. Im still incredably close to her. 

at this time though I was in my mid to late thirties, and my families comments had become less “you are too picky” to “Im worried you will never find someone” “you are nearly 30″ “what if you want kids you can’t leave it too late”. 

its all small stuff but it mounts up. its mirco-aggressions that become deafening. Im childish because i don;t like sex i need to grow up, im weird im wrong im mistaken im making my parents sad, why can’t i be who they want me to be, my mother crying because she just wants me to have a special person but never understanding that my QPR WAS my special person because to her that was just a friend, people saying i don’t know what i want, people saying im a loser cos they never see me dating, people telling me they ” think being single is a sign of failure” people telling me that when they call me a prude its an insult and im weird if i dont feel bad for being a prude, people telling me i should be interested, “don’t you find him attractive”, “sex is amazing what do you mean you dont like it”,” i think you are just scared of love”, “you must be a closet lesbian”, “your just a straight faking for attention.” “why are you trying to date normal people isnt there a website for people like you?” “its not our fault there arent many of you”, “your a bad girlfriend if you don’t like kissing he/she will be hurt if you wipe the saliva away or if you say you arent attracted to them”, “you don’t understand what love is” “you are confused” “you are sick, see a doctor”, “you’re abusive,” “ you don;t know what you are talking about”, “your sick, is it a hormone deficiency” “HAH you don’t like sex just get married then you wont get any”, “how can you not feel attracted then,” your abusive if you have sex but not sexually attracted”, “you’re abusive if you dont have sex cos you are with-holding from the other person”, “it's okay if you dont want sex for now know but thats just how relationships progress”, “Why don't you like him he likes you, “” Im worried you are going to be alone for ever” 

The pressure of it used to keep me up at night where i felt i was FAILING everyone i knew because i just couldn't bring myself to feel that way about another person. I became deeply depressed. It was the main reason i considered suicide.

when i finally did enter a relationship again after two years of EVERYONE pushing for it. that pressure stopped in so far as people stopped pressuring me to be with him, but now i feel like i have to pretend to be normal so people will leave me alone, and i feel like part of me is lying to myself.

I worry about falling back into unhealthy patterns where i play the role of girlfriend just so i can stop people from knowing im weird. The only saving grace is this time my partner and I know im asexual. He doesn’t quite understand it but he respects my boundaries. still part of me feels like this relationship is a compromise. he doesn't get it completely even though he tries.  he treats me well and i love him,  Its just getting to this point my twenties were years of me ripping up my insides because of all the things society was saying to me. I felt trapped between the fear of being alone and the fear of having to force myself into a relationship again. 

So i get why young people dont get what negativity you can face for being aro/ace but thats because the virtue of being disinterested is only a virtue if its temporary. and even then don’t underestimate the power of bigots to sniff out a difference to target you for.

[survivorindia]

Rites of Passage

My experience was boring, I didn't get to do anything. I tried backstabbing someone but they backstabbed me first. Not much else to say, cause nothing else happened.

Lexi G:  I wanted to keep you bud and would have if you weren’t voting me. I don’t think you deserved to go first after helping with the challenge though. 

India. Oh how I miss her. The game was such a ride even if was just for a short period. At least I left with some souvenirs, like the relationships I made and this cool looking rock.

Ashley: Okay, I didn't really get to know you well but tbh getting rocked out first is iconic and I love you. 

Lexi L: Steven Snell, You are the best and most loyal person. I mean who would go to rocks the first tribal council? YOU THATS WHO! I am so glad you are playing the game ruben and i are hosting now. That is the one good thing that came out of playing a tumblr game, meeting you. I really wish we could of played the rest of this game together.I love you and i am still so sad you got fucked by a rock.

Robin: Even though we only got to know each other you are one of my favorite people in this community. You’re so loyal and sweet. I was so upset that you ended up getting rocked out. I’ve done everything in this game with you in mind. I hope I made you proud.

Ashley: Awe, hi Ace! I really liked getting to know you and hope you are doing well, voting you out wasn't a priority for me but it just happened to be where the numbers landed. 

Lexi L: Um i honestly don't remember you to much sorry:/

Robin: You seemed like a really nice person. I wish we could’ve gotten to play together.

Lexi G:  We didn’t start speaking much until your tribal and I wish we had. The points you made were great and I would have kept you had the group consensus not been for you to go.

Lexi G: We were in two games together so the working relationship was there but with limited replies, it’s hard to work with someone. I wish you made it further so we could have worked together but good luck in Hoenn!

Rigga Morris! Listen perhaps I played too hard too fast ? But I'm happy w 1/2 of the ppl in the final so I'm love this season yes!

Ashley: Karen, Karen, Karen, I wanted to see our little "rivalry" from Sweden was behind us but unfortunately it was not. I caught wind of you actually wanting me out and so I had to do something about it. I am sorry it ended up like that. 

Lexi G:  We were never on a tribe together but I heard you’re a legend so I hope we get to speak outside of the game!

Lexi L:  I told you after Steven got rocked out that i would flip to your side and be loyal to you because i hated everyone left on my tribe besides Robin. You were fun to talk to and i was sad you got blindsided.:/ Wish we could of slayed together.

Robin: I wish we could’ve had the tribe swap earlier. I wanted to work with you so bad. Thanks for supporting me in everything!

Lexi G: We never got to speak much but I hope everything is well and I’m sorry you had to leave the game.

Lexi L: Bernel, i'm pretty sure you quit. I forget why. We did not talk to much but for the times we did talk you seemed pretty cool.

Robin: I didn’t get to know you much but I hope you’re doing well and that you get another shot at playing.

I figured I was on the bottom of a group and flipped to better myself - it didn't work out in the end and the group I flipped on was the group that got my torch snuffed.

Ashley: Okay I didn't talk to you at all but I hear great things about you. 

Lexi L: So you told me you were voting Liam out because he was inactive and then went and told everyone i was dating ruben from the other tribe and to get me out. You had Whitney and Liam on board. So you made it go to rocks and got my boy Steven out:/ So i dont really like you for that. 

Robin: We had a rocky relationship. I really liked you and thought we would work well together but unfortunately we ended up having different targets. 

Ashley:  I am not even doing this one. 

Lexi G:  I pray you’re not still lost on the beach somewhere 

Lexi L: Whitney, you never liked me for some reason. Like i tried to talk to you and everything ,but you would not give me a chance lol. But i heard you went inactive once we switched tribes, which sucks because why not just of let yourself be voted out instead of letting people go to rocks.

Okay so first and foremost, I loved this season while it lasted tbh, and im sad that I am pre-merge and 15th place once again, but who cares lol. Anyway I'm personally glad that the person who quit jury did because it gave me the opportunity I've wanted, okay done with that. I feel like this game honestly I did my best and I was proud of how I started out. It's annoying that I was voted out with little reason, and that I lost to some of the most vile people this season, but things happen you know? S/O to Jordan and sarah this season for being probably my favorite people EVER to have worked with like yall are so real I love you guys. Okay bye!!

Lexi G: I love your ability to put feminism above all else (and as I have stated numerous times before in Hoenn vl drs) I wish you had stayed in both games since I really wanted to work with you long term!

Lexi L: Ok Julia, you need to get your self checked out. I think you are messed up in the head. You attacked me for saying this game is rigged? I complained once about rig so get your facts straight. You said a bunch of mean things to me and then deleted it! LIKE WHAT!?? Don't say rude things and then delete it. Just tell me straight up how you feel.

Robin: Julia, you are such a great person honestly. The fact that you’re into with craft is so interesting. I honestly hated to see you go. It sucks that the original plan was leaked or else you would’ve stayed longer. 

I was never really into the game to begin with, so I don’t have a lot to say. As of late I have removed myself of all games and basically from this community as a whole due to personal issues. Good game everyone! Byeee.

Ashley: See you at school! 

Lexi G: My first alliance :( I wish you had more time to play but I understand life gets busy!

Ashley: Oh goodness, here we go. Dom, we went from being happily married to some ugly old couple who just was sick of each other. You were made out to be such a strong player and honestly everyone was scared of you. I know that if it hadn't have been for the idol I received, you would probably still be here, and I am sorry for that, but I certainly feel as though Sarah and I did what was necessary to save ourselves. 

Lexi G: You have no idea how much I appreciated being aligned with you! I saw you as a power player and we shared some fun moments so I was sad to see you go but have to admit being taken out by two idols is quite badass! I thought you had a tremendous chance at winning because of the amazing game you were playing so it was crazy how that tribal played out.

Lexi L: DOM, ugh i am so sad they got you. I loved our little alliance with Ruben, Lexi G, Jaiden and Robin. We were at the bottom but you somehow always stayed postive and helped us come up with a plan. I hated seeing you go. I loved meeting you and im glad you and Ruben bonded so i had the chance to play with you. You're amazing!

Robin: Idols really hurt us. The day of the tribal council where you left was….eventful. You deserved to stay longer than that. I hope you get to play another tumblr survivor game.

I’m Jordan Pines

Ashley: Jordan <3 my heart broke into a million pieces when you were voted out. You had been telling us all day that everything was okay and that we had it in the bag, and then you suddenly had to go. It really sucked not having your humor and strategic thinking around. Hope to talk soon!

Lexi G: What could have been! I really really wanted to work with you long term, and I thought it could have been fun for us to switch things up in the game. Alas, someone found an idol and most of them were dead set on you going that round. I still think about, to this day, how we could have had some fun in the game and I believed you to be someone who would have loved to make crazy moves with me. I want to say thank you for talking to me regularly and being there for the times I needed to vent. I hope we get to become friends outside of this game <3

Lexi L: Jordan, you were definitely running this game. I always viewed you as a threat from the day i met you. we didn't talk much, i did not really see a point because you had your group and i had mine. You were definitely a great player though. Sorry the idol screwed you.

Robin: You’re a great liar. It’s a compliment by the way. You really had me sold that you were trying to save lexi g. Even though you might not believe it, you had a big impact on the game. I honestly got inspired with how smoothly you were able to lie and make yourself look like you were working hard to be a hero. That’s what got me going the tribal after to say so much. You were a very strong competitor. I’m sure you could’ve easily won this had you made past the first merge round.  

Jaiden doesn’t have me on skype so he didn’t submit

Ashley: Okay Jaiden, I love you, but come on. I gave you soooooo many chances to work with me. I put my trust in you so many times and for what? I feel as though we certainly gained a friendship but eventually you being unpredictable was what made my mind up. 

Lexi G: I enjoyed talking to you as we were also in two games together, you were always so kind. I believe we had a ton of the same issues going on so I hope you are doing better and I wish you the best!

Lexi L:  Jaiden, im very sad you quit jury. The returnees did not give you a chance. I am glad they didnt though because i got the chance to work with you. You were very fun to talk to and when you played that idol on me, i knew i could trust you. I mean i knew before , but i was always a little worried. Loved playing with you!

Robin: I tried so hard to save you. The tribal council you left was a pivotal point in how I was perceived in the game. I pushed myself to play more aggressively and be more outspoken because of you. You were such a great friend in the game. It’s a bummer you left the jury. I hope everything in your life is working out well.

Coming into this game I didn't see myself doing well at all. I mean I was in the game with my girlfriend and couldn't even lie about it because there were people that knew of the both of us already. That being said, I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. I mean I made the merge with my girlfriend lol and I played an idol on myself and made some pretty big moves while I was in the game. I was well on my way to hopefully winning this game, but people saw me as the biggest threat on the otherside and took me out. I don't think I would have done anything different, not much I could have done differently. But I think I played the best possible game I could have and I'm proud of my game. As for my first tumblr survivor journey, I made jury, idoled someone out, played a huge part in taking out one of the biggest liars and villains in Jordan, and even got a spell put on me by another jury member (who shouldn't even be a juror lol sorry Julia). Anyway my first and last journey on Tumblr Survivor was an interesting one for sure.

Ashley: Hello Ruben! I am sorry we didn't get to talk much, but it was assumed that you were the "leader" of the newbies and wouldn't want to really communicate with us returnees. The conversations we did have however I highly enjoyed. I hope you are doing well!

Lexi G: Our alliance since the beginning was everything I had hoped for and more. We looked out for each other and had to swat off the rumor that we were dating hahaha but somehow made it through all that. I very much appreciated you being the calm side of our duo and I’m happy we made the merge together. I’m excited to talk to you again soon after the game is over! 

Lexi L: You are so cute. I was mad you played this game because i definitely thought we would be out pre merge. I mean we date who would let us get this far. oh wait, they did LOL. sorry had to say it. I was sad when you went , but one of us were bound to go and i guess they saw you as more of a threat. Love you <3

Robin: You were honestly the best player in this game. You were able to predict everyone’s strategies, win competitions, and gather information. I would’ve loved to have seen you win this game. If it wouldn’t have been for you figuring out Lexi was getting votes, we would’ve all been picked off. Thank you for being such a helpful ally.

Saying this game was messy is an understatement. Things were all over the place and it was surely interesting. Personally, I think I played a decent game, and almost made the top third. A lot of great friends came out of it, and then there's the opposite of that. (You know who you are.) it's truly a shame that I have to pick one of these remaining people to win, but may the best lady win. Prepare for hell at FTC. Ciao.~ You know who you are coughcoughalexiscoughcough

Ashley: Oh poor Liam. Rocked out because of paranoia of something that wasn't even happening. You were actually really loyal and it sucked losing you in the way we did. It would have been nice to have you here with me. 

Lexi G: We didn’t get to speak much other than my plea on the tie vote for Jaiden but so sorry you were eliminated in rocks, that’s got to be tough. I hope the blues clinch a playoff spot though!

Lexi L: Liam ok, you were supposed to go the first tribal council. You were inactive, but somehow you come out of nowhere and convice Johnny and Whitney otherwise and i mean good for you. That's a good move. We never really talked because i was salty and mad you did not go and Steven did. We never talked after that either. I think you hate me. I dont get why but it's ok. 

Robin: I wish we hadn’t messed up our relationship so much back on Nayak so we could’ve worked together at merge. I really think you could’ve won this game had the ruby idol not gotten you eliminated.

It was super weird to come back for a fourth time, It was intense, it was crazy and the people with the most entertaining personalities are in jury. This game was drama filled..to say the least and it was SO much fun to be apart of it

Ashley: Sarah don't you dare hate me. I love you, I really do, but girl your paranoia and stuff was really bugging me. I had second thoughts on voting you out. But the thought of you making so many other chats without me in them after telling me you wanted to take me to the end was not the best feeling. In the end it was strictly strategic, you are a huge threat in games and I respect that, as I hope you can respect my move. 

Lexi G: I believe you don’t want to hear from me at all due to the message you sent me after you were voted out. However, I did genuinely want to work with you. I had hoped the villains could possibly team up since we were cannibalizing up until that point. I had voted the way you wanted me to during the tribal you played your idol. Then at the tribal you left, you didn’t tell me how you were voting and the opposing group had set their eyes on you once again while also having a lot of power so it was out of my hands during that round. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to working and calling with you more for the rounds to come but tearfully, it didn’t work out. I hope we get to speak more about it later as I’m excited to hear your thoughts during the game.

Lexi L: Sarah, I have no idea what happened with us. We never had a problem with one another and then you just went off on me. Called me Ruben's dog, which is very far from the truth and that's why it triggered me. People always think i do as ruben says in game and it couldnt be more far from the truth. He is just more vocal and i am more behind the scenes. You hate me and i don't hate you, but i think attacking me was random and uncalled for. 

Robin: I really thought I would enjoy getting to play with you. You seemed like a really nice person and you seemed to like me a lot. It’s funny how things can change though once the game gets more intense and we have to go against each other. I found out the kind of player you are and that’s why I actively tried to get you out. I want to point out that bringing up a past event of yours was not meant to be personal. This was on a blog, which is public, and anyone can access so I feel like you exaggerated what I did. I played this game with integrity and respecting everyone. You made a big deal about not getting personal with people, so I think you should take your own advice and think before you make rude comments to other people. I’m not sure if you were just trying to embrace your villain character but remember, this just a game and just because someone else outplays you, it doesn’t mean you have the right to release your anger negatively on them. You know what I’m talking about and I hope you take time in the future to apologize to that person. 

This game was a load of fun ^__^ I got to meet some amazing people, take part in some shocking blindsides, and strategize to my heart's content. My only regret is not being more paranoid come F8-ish. Everyone was telling me to scramble more and more, but the only way I could make it further would be by trusting the people who eventually took me out... *Shrug* All in all, this was a great experience and I am very happy I got to live through it all with such a marvelous cast!

Ashley: Alright so this is a tough one. I know you are not going to really want to hear from me or are just completely pissed at me right now but I promise I had my reasons. You were never going to trust me again as you did at the beginning. I knew by the way you reacted that you would be plotting against me at some point in the future and I certainly did not want that because I know you are smart as hell and could have taken me out no sweat. So in a last minute decision, my worries got the best of me, and I am sorry for that but I hope you can respect me as a player still, and see the reasons why I made the moves I did. 

Lexi G: I believe you to be by far the scariest player, and I can’t place my finger on why. It could be attributed to your working relationships with a large majority of the cast or your ability to extract any sort of information out of any single person. I had heard some of my allies giving up information that I did not want them to, to you so it’s quite crazy how you had that effect on people. I heard a TON of things about your game and it was intimidating, but I really want the chance to play with you again and I pray that we could even be on the same side.

Lexi L: Gavin, I don’t know how to feel about you. My relationship with you was the same i had with Alex. We always tried to talk about game but never did. I heard what you did to Ruben though and it made me very upset. I think you played an ok game . You just, i don't know. I never wanted to talk game with you because i knew you were kind of a snake. I do want to thank you for telling ruben to play an idol on me that round though!

Robin: We had such a complex relationship. I feel like the two of us were being mislead by other people. If we would’ve just trusted each other, we probably could’ve done so much together.

Ashley: Okay so this one actually wasn't completely my fault but I still hate myself for it. I should have voted with you guys and gone to rocks. Which is something that in previous games I would never do. But Alex you are such a genuine person, you didn't hate me for choices I made but instead came and asked me why I did the things I did. You didn't judge me or want me gone, you truly just wanted to understand and that is why I wanted you to be here with me at the end because if I can't win I would have hoped you could have at least. 

Lexi G: This is hard due to me knowing that you wanted to help me out a bit as you believed me to be on the bottom of my side but it was difficult to align when I wasn’t told how the tribal would be playing out most of the time and the result I was told to expect didn’t happen. I did try to make sure the vote wasn’t you a few rounds to try and repay for the times you had told me you hadn’t written my name down. You were a great player and you knew that as you said in your final tribal so I hope you’re not mad that I took out a clear winner. You had it all in this game; social, strategic and were great in the challenges.

Lexi L: Alex, You were a funny person and i wish we could of talked more and maybe even worked together. You were set in your alliance and i was set in mine. I definitely viewed you as a threat too. You were likeable and never crossed anyone. I respect you and have no bad words for you.

Robin: I really admire how articulate you are. You came off as a very persuasive person. I was afraid of you the entire game. You were so social and at least with me, you knew what words to use to get me to open up and appreciate you. I’m sure you could’ve won this game by a landslide.

In the words of the great scholar Linkin Park, "I tried so hard and that's alright but in the end it doesn't even matter,"

Ashley: Ugh Kendall you tried so hard, your slideshow was amazing, kinda wish I had you to share cookies with. We knew it was kind of hopeless but we still tried. And that is all we could really have done. It really sucked that you left, and I know I haven't been the best person throughout this game, but you have always made me laugh and I truly adore you as a human being.

Lexi G:  As outrageous as it sounds, I’m not a sociopath like you believe I am. I genuinely did feel like shit for a large part of the game but I was not on the bottom as I had said. I needed to try and avoid getting votes for tribals to come so I had to play up the “trio” on our side to survive. The issues I opened up about indirectly regarding my actual life were true sadly. I thank you for letting me vent to you and I’m sorry if you were hurt on a personal level. If you had told me more of what was going on during the rounds before, I would have loved to work with you but you didn’t seem to trust me. I did enjoy those earlier conversations before the merge when we had spoken about our weird humor so I’m painfully sad that it didn’t end up working out. I’m positive you hate me so I’ll end this here and wish you the best.

Lexi L: KENDALL, ugh i connected with you the most more than most people in this game. You are so odd and funny. I mean that in a very good way. I loved talking to you. I always said if i got out and you made it to the end, you would of definitely got my vote. No one hated you and i mean how could they. I hope we talk after this game is over. Dead babies for life!

Robin: Well, you were the most surprising out of everyone. The way you were able to stay in the game and never have your name thrown out showed how big of a threat you were. I saw myself working with you back on the Hero beach but the whole returnees vs newbies thing ended up forcing us on opposite sides.

[icherishher98]

Talking about my mental illness can be hard. I want to scream it out to the world, get all my thoughts and feelings out in the open. But I also wanna close myself away and lock myself in a room and not come out. I don’t want to be trapped in my own thoughts that are hiding within the darkness of my mind. I want to talk to you, but I’m scared.

I’m scared of being judged and rejected. I’m scared of the stigma surrounding mental illness. My experiences in the past have seemingly convinced me to keep my feelings to myself. When you share with the wrong people, it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. It takes a lot of trust and honesty to talk about myself even with those who are closest to me like yourself.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I look at sad quotes on my phone. (sometimes without even noticing it) as a way to calm myself down. I often lay at home on the bed, in the dark, staring at the ceiling, and just think. Mind racing, dark sad thoughts go through my head, and I can’t seem to stop them. I cry, a lot when I’m alone. Memories of happier times haunt me, and I beg for them to come back.

My depression has changed my life. It’s an awful thing to experience. It has impacted my relationships and friendships with others. It tells me not to engage in conversation and not to talk about myself. It tells me no one wants to hear it because no one cares. It’s affected how I sleep, my memory and my concentration. Work is a long blur of fighting to concentrate. Fighting to just be normal and not rip someone’s head off because I know every move I make will be judge.

I fight myself every day. It’s constant. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to fight with other people as well.

A while ago I decided to seek help from others and open up about my mental illness. I had started taking medications and have been talking to professionals like councillors and psychiatrist. This was the best decision I have ever made to help myself.

I am telling you this not to make you feel bad for me or worry about me. I am telling you this so maybe you can attempt to understand me better, think about what it’s like for me to live like this and maybe even relate to it. Support from friends and family is one of the most important things when you have a mental illness. You feel so alone, and depression is the only thing by your side. Having support from those who love you can make life a hundred times more bearable.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past 2 years, and I feel as though I am slowly making progress. I have taken steps to become healthier and care for myself first. It’s a long hard process. I still have a long way to go, but I have to start somewhere.

I know that from the outside, I seem like I’m happy and carefree, and that people think I’m the life and soul of the party, but I need to tell you how I really feel inside. I might seem like I’m calm and relaxed, but I’ve had a tough time recently, and I need space and time to heal myself.

It’s nothing to do with our relationship/friendship or whatever we have, and I know that I’ll feel better in time, but for now, I need to spend more time alone, so that I can find myself again, and be that happy, carefree person once more.

I hit rock bottom. I feel as though I have lost everything and everyone who I put so much of my time and love into. I couldn’t take it anymore. So here I am, writing to you in hopes of furthering my own self-care. I am trying to find myself again, and I have realized I lost who I was a long time ago.

Telling me you “feel sad, too, sometimes,” is not going to help me. I’m not being ignorant to hour problems or how you feel if you ever do feel sad I would hope you could talk to me but just for now I’m feeling kinda selfish and want to talk about how I’m feeling. Encouraging me to “go out and make new friends, talk to people,” is not going to make me okay. Saying “don’t be depressed,” is not a cure.

Do you think that I haven’t tried? That I haven’t forced myself to go out and mingle in hopes being social will make me better? If someone has suggested it, I have probably tried it and I’m tired of people thinking that they understand my illness better than I do when they have never experienced it. Well saying they haven’t experienced it is a bit of a low blow because obviously other people deal with depression as well but this again is just talking about how I feel.

Im constantly crying in my room late at night because I feel so alone, I feel like I’m drowning by simply existing, when I have tried and tried to the point of wanting to give up on myself. You don’t understand, and I’m not expecting you to, but I need you to stop pretending.

Pretending is an art that depression has taught me to perfect. I pretend to smile, pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay. But the fact is, I’m not. It’s something I am dealing with every day of my life and I am continuously trying to move forward. But sometimes the sadness takes over and it’s hard to carry on. It always comes close. It’s tethered to me like a phantom limb and I carry it with me wherever I go, even in my best moments, it is still there.

Though I don’t expect you to understand my illness, I do need you to understand that none of this is easy for me. Existing is the hardest thing for me to do and yet I am trying my best to hold on. But telling me to “get out more” and “people have it worse than you, why are you sad?” is not going to make me better. Being “strong” or trying a new medication won’t magically fix me. Even if you think I “don’t have a reason to be depressed,” it doesn’t make it go away. I need certain people to stop minimizing what I’m going through.

Depression is not a simple sadness. It is an all-encompassing darkness that hangs over me and attaches itself to everything that I do. Switching between yanking me under and tossing me in other directions.

But I am a hurricane of a person.

I’m 21 years old, and I have a depression that lives inside me like a storm brewing under oceans, lying in wait for new victims to pull under, yet I find myself to only be marginally afloat, too.

This is the depression I thought I was over around a year ago, here it is biting me in the fucking arse again and it truly is fucking ruining me worse than ever before. I also hope that everyone I’ve sent this too doesn’t take any offence and understands why I might have been bitter and not very understanding myself and why I might of sounded up my own arse, but yeah I am sorry.

I want you to know the true me, who was once happy, which I know Was once me. It’s been difficult searching for myself amongst so much pain. A huge part of me has been pushed down and locked up. Thank you for being my friend/boyfriend sticking by me even when I push you away or seem distant. Thank you for being a distraction, with whom I feel I can have fun and enjoy myself, even if only for a little while. I am genuinely glad to have you as my friend.