#like mine was jovial and im trying to be nice

[catfishofoldin99colours]

me when my coworker is worried another guy in the office doesn't like her: Ah that sucks for her. Glad I'm not affected by that tho

Me when that same guy gives me a short teams message: Ah. Well good thing I don't care about being liked by him or not

Me after thinking about it for maybe 32 seconds: no actually I hate this

[ducktracy]

can i just say you genuinely give me so much hope? your wacky and carefree personality, your uniquely lovely writing style, and lest we not forget your ABSOLUTELY olympic art?? your interest in looney tunes sparked mine, and well, here i am craving oldies and much more! im striving to recreate the golden age style that you mimic so well! your art is SUCH a fresh breath of air, by the way. and the fact that you're pursuing your dream job? AND it was your first one nonetheless?? absolutely gives me hope for my 3d animator goal, keep up the jovial attitude, my friend! you've done a lot to influence me C: 🐣

i’ve been on Tumblr for 9 years (i know.) and have received literally THOUSANDS of asks, and in all my time this is by FAR the kindest, most gracious, considerate, inspiring, moving, compassionate, and lacrimal fluid-inducing ask i have EVER GOTTEN!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!! i don’t even know WHAT to say or where to begin!! 🥲🥲🥲 i guess thank you would be a good start, so THANK YOU!!! thank you thank you thank you thank you!! i can’t stress that enough!

i really am so humbled and honored you’re able to find so many good qualities!! not to get TOO down or self deprecating, but these are all aspects about myself i’d never pay a second thought to, so to hear that i can influence and inspire and MOVE people to leave such COMPASSIONATE messages as these??? it genuinely brings a tear to my eye and i’m sitting here trying to fight it back HAHAHA 🥲🥲🥲 what kind and generous observations!! i genuinely don’t know what to say!

i can’t say HOW excited and happy i am to hear that you’re interested in some good ol’ oldies!! LT is such a treasure trove of history and there’s something new to learn at every single corner, it’s such an exhilarating adventure—and that’s only LT!!! ALL animation studios have such a rich history worth exploring!! it’s almost overwhelming but in such a rewarding way!! i’m SO HAPPY to hear you’re along for the ride—ENJOY IT!!

AHHHHH 😭😭😭 i’m so happy to hear my art can inspire you too!! i’m still striving to hit that vintage style JUUUUUST right, it’s a process, but if i hit the mark right away it wouldn’t be as fun! there’s something very comforting and endearing but also FUN and a little off kilter about it too, and that’s what i strive to hit—cozy but energetic! i’m genuinely so happy to hear all of this!!

3D ANIMATION SOUNDS SO FUN!! i am VERY very lucky to be doing what i do, this year has been such a wonderful surprise!! i actually had to turn down ANOTHER dream job offer recently which was probably the hardest choice i ever had to make 🥲 but if anything it’s a nice little ego boost! HAHAHA AHHH BUT SERIOUSLY THANK YOU!!! i’m a very lucky case, but if anything, working on SB as my first job and having 0 experience at all has taught me that things are much more possible than they seem!! i’m CONFIDENT that you’ll make an EXCELLENT 3D animator and i absolutely wish you the BEST OF LUCK!! YOU GOT THIS AND I BELIEVE IN YOU!!

it is SO SWEET that you’d take the time to write something so kind and so thoughtful!! this really made my entire day, week, month, year, decade? messages like these remind me of why i’m doing what i’m doing, and they’re a very much appreciated reminder in times like these where unnecessary negativity and vitriol seem to be growing at every corner. it can be easy to fall into that trap or be bogged down, but this reminds me to be resilient and to keep on keepin’ on, so GENUINELY, i CANNOT thank you enough.

this is an ask i’m going to save for a very, VERY long time and look back at it quite periodically for a boost. thank you SO MUCH and i hope you have a WONDERFUL day!! 🦆🦆🦆🦆 (i was going to respond with that baby chick emoji because it’s so CUTE but i saw the duck emoji first… isn’t that always how it goes 🦆🦆🦆)

[writingsofmyimagination]

Conjecture |13| The Final

Idol Reader Au, Enemies to Lovers AU

Summary: Your management refused to renew your contract unless you collaborated, so you ending up working with Min Yoongi. A guy you’d disliked from before both of your debuts. There is more to their past than meets the eye.

Links to other parts:  | 1 |  2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |11|12|

Last Chapter guys.... thank you for everyone that has liked and commented.... it means an awful lot. :)

Hope you guys have enjoyed the series.

Words:3304

Rating:18+

Warnings: SMUT!! (Slight exhibitionism maybe) Swearing. General sass.

Permanent Tags: @msunnsstuff  @rosey-roseu @eyelessmin @backtonormalthings

Reblog, Like, Comment

The leather straps were cooling across your chest; just as the strap was tight across your hips. You struggled, the buckles keeping you firmly stuck to the table. The white lights quietly warming the rest of your bare exposed skin. Your obliques teasing their way to the surface as you wriggled against your restraints. Cut here scissor lines decorated across the most common places women dislike about themselves. Crescents at your side, inner thighs, cupping your breast. Two figures hovering over you, crazed hunger filled looks scanning your being.

Lee Jooheon was stood over you in pale blue scrubs beneath a pearly white lab coat littered with scruffy black writing. He was stood menacing in the wielding of a scalpel while conversing animatedly with the person next to him. Im Changkyun was dressed to the brim in a perfectly fitted black suit wielding a clipboard with a picture of a barbie on. IM was shoving his fingers to the picture and then to you. Jooheon nodding intently in agreeance, scalpel still active in the air.

“CUT!” The director called. A bell vibrating round the warehouse. Jooheon immediately tearing the Velcro under the fake buckles and rushing to reach under the table for the large white dressing gown placed discreetly under the table. The basic black lace lingerie set was the only thing covering you as you hauled yourself off the table before coating yourself in white fluff.

“You good?” Changkyun asked lightly supporting you to your feet.

“All good” you affirmed.

“That was great guys, a clear cut. Scene done in one. We’ll get the stage set up and do the combined verse and Y/N’s solo then we’ll call it a day” The director confirmed. All you heard was

Break time

The three of you b-lined straight for the snack table. The crew around you slowly setting down their equipment to follow suit. A mini swarm of black tee’d crew descended onto the set working quickly to dismantle the makeshift operating room and prepare the next set.

“Glad I can finally put some clothes on” selecting the bag of wotsits crinkling over your words.

“Never thought I’d hear you say that” Yoongi’s voice creeped in from behind. The other two chuckled into their mouthfuls of carbs. Without even eyeing him your trajectory already planned to slap his arm on your rotation round. The Acne studios hat comfy on his head, the blue grey hair pressed to his forehead. Long black sweater draped over loose wash out ripped jeans which were tucked into hi top vans.

There’s a comfy boyfriend right there

“Never thought I’d see you conscious before lunch on a day off” you quipped back.

“Alright… it’s too early for your sass” Yoongi said in defeat to your ear, his arms encasing the shield of fluff around you with the sweet extra of a kiss to the forehead. His camera gentle in sway to your hip, the leather strap resting on his shoulder.

“Loved the set though” he added

More like loved the fact I was strapped down

“I’m literally kidnapping this Dr’s coat” Jooheon flicked the collar up of the coat.

Dweeb

“It’s such a cool concept” Jooheon added

“More female artists need to be speaking out about the image pressures companies force” Changkyun piped up.

“It’s 2020 dude, guys can write about it too you know” you teased

“There’s ten times more pressure on you guys though”

He was right. Your concept was the bomb though. You and your image held hostage by the agency only for you to rebel against them all accompanied by some aggressive thought-provoking rap.

What more does a girl want?

“And we’re here doing this project with you so we technically are” Changkyun added.

Also true

“You also know I wouldn’t have you let say no” One of the runners dropped your outfit off to you. You both exchanged silent polite glances.

Mid conversation you held no reservations, untying your robe. It slid off your shoulders Yoongi saving it from the floor. You shrugged on the tight-fitting scrub top. The top conveniently had slits through the fabric. Making its function as a top dubious at best. The shorts were free from any intentional rips and were nice and basic. Yoongi’s eyes flitted briefly to the ground, gaze not sure where to settle. You were still getting used the fact he wasn’t as comfortable with your skin on show as you were. Multiple times you’d teased him at how awkward and polite he still was when you were actually his.

//

“Are you sure you just didn’t want an opportunity to tie your two favourite rappers to a chair? Beside me of course” Yoongi teased as your reflection stared back at you in the mirror, mouth agape hand delicate finishing a perfect cat flick on your eyeliner.

“Jealous?” You paused the application of your makeup while teasing, the flicks won’t be ruined for anybody. Eye contact cheekily held in place.

He leaned in just a tad, enough to make his words inaudible to the fanfare around.

“Babe, you know I wish it was me. Just at home, with less clothes. You in that set I love, ooo and the way you love to ride me like that…” You shoved him away.

“Alright alright enough, don’t tease. Go over there and behave” You indicated with your pinky finger behind the camera. Puckering your blood red lipstick equally, crew swift in moving out of your way as you stepped up onto the newly built mini stage.

A lonely microphone on the small rectangular stage was all to keep you company. The two boys looking calm, jovial in their conversation to each other as you adjusted the stand to your height. Yoongi trying to shield a half-cocked smile. You flipped him off. He always liked to tease your height.

He’s not even got much on me, cheeky shit

“Ready on set!” The director boomed. Crew obedient falling silently in a heartbeat.

“Action!”

The strongly worded verse and chorus were the first lyrics you’d scribbled down in some painful PR meeting. The topic of you and your body image and how they wanted to sell it was just slowly infuriating you. You were an Idol, rapper whatever people called you now. This shit comes with the territory but the way they guy was talking about you just ruffled about every damn feather in your being.

The bell rang again and the major scuffling on set commenced. You jumped off the stage and raced to Chloe who’d returned from taking Ted for a walk. Completely bypassing Yoongi, dropping to your knees and ruffling the ball of excited fluff.

“Hey boy” you cooed, scratching the belly after the desperate drop and roll he gave you.

“Dude he wanted to play with evvveerryyyone today”

“Well he was probably excited to hang out with auntie Chlo”

“You love him” you added

“I can’t even lie about that; can your assistant be on holiday more often?” His attention quickly became focused

“You would get me into soo much trouble if you were my assistant”

“But you’d have the best time” The pair of you laughed knowing she was absolutely right.

“I’ll catch you in a bit” Giving Ted once last squeeze before you went to makeup.

All paint removed; hair now styled to perfection. Makeup fairly natural and light, the artist dabbing a pad around your cheeks catching any moisture. Heavily ripped boyfriend jeans sat at your hips finishing just at the lower end of your calves. Pristine snug white trainers cushioned the weariness of your feet. You had to change your underwear to a white set as to not show through the thin white tie up crop top. You secured the tie at your chest, even Yoongi would have to work at undoing the knot.

“Ready?” the director popped his head round the door. You responded with a bright mumble as you were mid swig of your water bottle.

“Sweet, we rolling in three”

“Seriously, how did I land you?” Yoongi purred making his way into the office converted dressing room. The artist leaving the room promptly.

“Looks good right” You agreed, puckering your lips in the mirror.

“Mmmhhhmm” he growled low at your neck; hands secured round the front of your stomach. The warm body pressed up against you.

“I love when you dress more casual” His fingertips elegant in their tip toe over your curved behind, etching their impatient way to the tie in the centre of your chest.

“Oi! Keep your hands to yourself” A weak willed play fight broke out. Yoongi going straight for where you were ticklish; leaving you completely vulnerable to him manoeuvring you round to face him.

“Careful Min Yoongi, don’t be getting yourself worked up for something you can’t have”

“Can’t have?” If stroppy pouts could melt you, you’d be in a puddle right now.

“Last I remembered you invited the boys round to mine for a recording sesh” Your stroke on his chin phased his eyes to roll regrettably.

“Pretty sure you regret giving Hobi the key now ey?” you crept the words in his ear, pressing your hand to his crotch. His cheeks puffed up, sulking against your smirk poorly disguised through your mouthfuls of water leaving the pouty boy in the dressing room.

The pout was a constant tell as much as he tried to hide behind the lenses capturing the formidable stage unit the three of you formed. The multiple takes had a thin layer of perspiration gracing the foundation on your skin. The second the final bell rang through the metal interior the three of you took a breath, or several before you bowed to all the staff before embracing the two guys. The make-up artist rushed over to where you’d sat drooping your legs on the temporary stage, padding at your face. You shooed her off prematurely, not bothering with how wisps of hair were loosely stuck to your skin.

//

“That looks ace, thank you so much guys!” You exclaimed bright as possible. The three of you snug crowded round one of the main cameras

“It was a pleasure” Their eyes both drifted off to their manager who’d stepped in a bit closer

“Well that’s our cue to leave” Changkyun mumbled the drop in his face noticeable but not obvious.

“That’s fine, don’t get yourself into trouble”

“Give him ten minutes” Jooheon quipped.

//

You’d changed into a cool and floaty navy maxi dress. You’d fought and brushed as much product out of your hair as you could and shoved it in a loose pony. With only a few of the crew left on site, the wide-open space of the rooms seemed much larger, sound travelled heavier and echoed more. Yoongi was a picture holding your large D&G holdall glitzed with the gold emblem. He held the door for you leading into the drafty stairway. The grey concrete bleak, the bright blue railings guiding their way safely down. The walls were drab and plain.

You held out your hand, offering to relieve your boyfriend of the oversized bag from his slight frame. He began to oblige, eyes not wandering from his phone. His wrist caught in your hand yanking him into you and into the back of the wall. Did he resist? Absolutely not. Did he need any more guidance, most certainly not!

“Babe…”

“Mmm” humming in between your chest where his head and kisses were firmly being planted.

“Touch me already” your arms were loose as they draped over his shoulders.

“Seriously here?” It was more of a check than a complaint. Strong eyebrow raised.

Fucking yes

The hem of your dress slowly crept up your leg, crumpling up over his hand. His lips nearly caressing yours, the warmth of his breath rolling over your skin. The knowing smile escaped onto your features

“Fuck babe!”

“What?...mmm” your tone creeping higher feigning innocence. His fingers ghosting at the apex of your thighs. The bundle of nerves buzzing at the slight contact, he brushed his cheek to yours

“It’s too warm for underwear” you whined, still pleading innocence. Yoongi knew better, knew the lack of innocence you actually held.

“I’m calling bullshit” Your head gently rolled back into the wall.

“I’m reallllyy not complaining…” he added pushing a bit more of his weight into you, growling into your neck. Your grip tightening round his neck.

“Well let’s play a game of hurry the…mmm fuck up” you urged, teasing his fingers hard against you. The way his hips jutted feeling the rush of how much you wanted him.  With the heat combusting through the heavy kisses, the air was thick and blissfully suffocating. Engulfed in heat he dragged your body round. It was your turn to be shoved hard against the cool concrete

“Careful…” you choked between laboured breathes.

“You’ll give yourself a problem we won’t have time to fix”

“My only problem is not hearing you moan my name” Aggressive hands crept back round the front hoisting your dress back up.

Metal clinked; voices echoed. Heartbeat petrified still in your chest.

Innocent coughs smuggling smiles, arms linked as the last of the camera crew polite in their bow as the gave passage to you.

“Thank you, you worked hard” you responded in kind as Yoongi let you take the lead single file past the biggest cock blockers of the year.

//

“UUUGGHH” you whined slamming your head back into the head rest as Yoongi parked the Land rover in your bay in the gated underground parking of your building.

“I’m soo sorry babe, you know I want to finish this track with Hobi and Joon…I promise I’ll make you…What are you doing?”

Knitted eyebrows with brown pools twinkling with rare mischief that only glistened with you. Like the first time he decided to be brave and go down on you in a dressing room. He’d missed you a hell of a lot, too much apparently for even unbothered Yoongi to take control.

You’d shuffled and maneuvered yourself to the back seat dropping to the chair with a success filled sigh.

“I don’t want to wait until later” A teasing lip bite was all he needed to be scrambling into the backseat to join you. The tinted windows offering you more privacy than what waited for you in the apartment.

“And what I want I get” Your legs were already snug on either side of his hips

“Don’t I know it” His hands already ruffling up your dress as your hands dived desperate to unhook his jean buttons.

You secured his hands round the back of the head rest

“Stay” you urged; hands remained obedient as yours went to elicit controlled groans from his throat as your hand wrapped around him. The need between your legs grew, your bites of his lower lip grew harder, hips rocking against a frustrating nothing. Your ponytail got pulled back sharply. Yoongi apparently had enough of you torturing yourself and him

“Turn around and let me feel you now”

“My hands not good enough for you anymore?”

“Not when I know your just desperate for my cock”

Fair point

Agreeing with complete compliance, invested in his way of thinking. You swept your hair to the front of your shoulder. Following a hard grunt, a deep wet kiss was pressed to shoulder blade you needed to take a beat adjusting to him.

“Mmpphh” you both grunted, head falling forward. Hand grappling behind looking to hook onto any part of him. Palm closing in on his thin waist. Circle movements heavy in your hip

“Better? Is that all my baby wanted hmm?”

“Mmmhmm…Just you” you choked as his hips jutted upwards.

“Yeah?” hair weaved in the long genius fingers tugged hard lips, soft teeth not so on your neck.

“Use me then”

Oh I’m going to

His hand not leaving your hair, hips refusing to offer you anything. The filth Yoongi whispered in controlled pants still offered the motivation for your movements. Every time Yoongi felt the tensing of your thighs or your moans reached a certain pitch too high he couldn’t help but buck up into you. The dusting of a chuckle would ease in through his grunts at your cries.

He wanted to tease. The grip in your hair, the honey on his smirk and the slight growl in the background of his words told you that. Min Yoongi was now unbothered about keeping his friends waiting.

Not today

“Min Yoongi if you don’t make me…mmm… cum in the next 10 minutes…fuuuck” His fingers now tight between your legs, each burst of movement causing you to clench round him with a desperate tension.

“Your body is telling me you need a lot less than ten princess. I certainly don’t”

“Prove it” you challenged. A Challenge you knew he’d destroy in minutes. The air seemed to dissipate from the car, the heat instead hovering round the two of you. Goosebumps erupted all over your skin. Legs beginning to store the tension building up like Jenga blocks in your muscles. Back arching into him forming the perfect crescent. Your moans escalating both in pitch and volume rattled through his brain, trickling in hot drips down his spine adding the pressure within him to breaking point. A breaking point which spilled over before he could gain any control. The hand secured round your pony tail released and dropped to your shoulders with his head following suit, a few heavy breaths later

“I’m sorry… baby, you just feel too good”

“Turn around again baby”

“Do I need to do some more training with you? Your stamina is …” you teased hasty in your shuffle round, hasty to not let your climax slip to nothing.

“Probably” he confessed

“Thought…Mmhmm”

“Just be quiet and let me make you cum”.

//

The tips of Yoongi’s hair were damp, you tried to ruffle it but the damp ends still reflected against the midday sun. Your selfie camera informed you that out of the two of you, you were the only one that didn’t look like they’d just fucked in a car. Unfortunately for Yoongi his face always flushes a cute tinted light red. He hated it. You thought it was hilarious.

“Will you please do a better job of not smirking, you know how observant Hobi is” Yoongi scolded, amusement drained from his face.

“Sorry…” you chuckled. You passed your hand over your face, smirk disappearing. Normal face trying to hold while your hand pressed down on the handle. You were met with silence for a few seconds before you had Ted bounding for you. Soon followed by Joon and Hobi who had been sat on their phones on the sofa. The TV was a silent black.

“I said you guys can treat this as your own space when you’re here, no need to sit in silence” You reminded half chuckling swiping Ted off his feet into your arms.

“I know, I know” Joon acknowledged.

“Sorry we were late, shoot ran over” Ted was put back to scrambling excitedly at your feet as you maneuvered your way to the fridge. Your eyes shot to Hobi, controlled by the unconscious notion if anyone was going to pick up on your white lie it would be him. His eyes were hovering on Yoongi for more than they should.

“It’s alright we get it” With Hobi’s smile being as sweet and as kind as it was. It was hard to decipher.

“You guys okay to chill for like five more minutes while I grab a quick shower” Yoongi checked.

“I’ll even but the TV on for you” he added. At this point you’d already disappeared and enjoying the hot water streaming across your skin.

“Sure, don’t let that run over too though” Hobi jested emphasising the ‘run’.

[kiss-me-kira]

2 Encounter w/ Kira

just second meeting nothing really exciting

cut for length 

The beach was lovely today. The Morioh sun was warm and the breeze was brisk. Maybe a little too swift because it kept blowing my hair in my face, but all in all it was very enjoyable. I had found a nice little cove downhill from some wild looking orchard. It was quiet and peaceful, so I brought out my sketchbook and some books to read. 

My sketchbook wasn’t working well with me, the pages were too big and kept swallowing up my doodles. So I switched to my pocket sketchbook and was working on a rough sketch of the sea and horizon line when my hands refused to do what I told them. So I took a pause and decided to rest my eyes. I laid back in the sand and pulled my arm across my eyes to block out the sun for just a few minutes. 

“This is private property you know.” I shot up, there was someone immediately behind me. I jumped when there wasn’t anyone there, but I heard rustling in  the trees so I looked a bit up and there he was. 

“I-Im so sorry is this your house?” He looked so familiar but I couldn't quite remember who he was. Surely I wouldn't forget such a handsome face. 

He exhaled sharply, as if that was his version of a laugh, and hopped down from the orchard’s embankment down onto the beach just a few steps away from me. Something told me he was so familiar, but it was on the tip of my tongue, as if he had just walked out from a dream. 

“No, it's not mine. But you shouldn’t be here.” His face showed no effect, but his voice seemed jovial? Was he teasing me? Was this some sort of inside joke I should remember? 

“Im sorry, I'll leave right now.” I gathered my things, not like I had many of them, but when I saw the book I remembered. He was like a dream, or at least I had thought he was at the time, but he was Dr. Holly Joestar-Kira’s son. 

“You’re Kira.” that came out sounding more like an accusation than I intended but it served its purpose. 

“Kira Yoshikage. And you are?” He extended his hand, his long delicate fingers hanging there waiting for mine. Oh god I hope he didn't see me staring, I scurried to move my things to my left arm and meet his hand in a shake. 

“Constantin. Nice to actually meet you.” Because coming into my room when I was fairly certain you were a fever dream really doesn't count.

 His skin was so soft, but his handshake was firm. I couldn't help but think of all the things he could do with those hands. Maybe he was a violinist, or a pianist, or perhaps a painter or sketcher. Ugh I bet those hands would feel even better under my dress or around my neck… Oh god that is not a good road to go down when he's right in front of you Constantin. 

In an ill attempt to quash those thoughts I nodded to him and turned to go back the way I came this was about as good a time as any to duck out. Which i probably should have done as soon as he mentioned that I was trespassing on private property. 

I turned and started walking down the beach towards the way I came. 

“Wrong way.” I turned around to see him standing there in an odd little pose with his hips cocked to the side and his arms crossed. 

“It's the way I came.” No response. 

“Well then show me the proper way.” If he was going to be short and curt I could easily do the same. He spun on his heel and started walking away. I guess I'm supposed to follow him? Of course the beautiful man who fell from the sky would not be talkative. There was no way I could completely hold a conversation on my own, at best I can reflect the energy that the other person puts in and he was not doing much of anything. 

“Like the Roman Emperor?” He asked, quirking up his eyebrow. Well that was surprising. 

“Yes yes, the one who moved the capital to Byzantium and converted to Chirstianity. My family is Italian and big on history.” It was usual to have this conversation with new people. It's not exactly a common name so I figure i have to justify it a bit. 

“It's an interesting name.” Was apparently all he could think of as a response. 

“Hm so I’ve heard.” Many times. God im so fucking awkward what the hell am I supposed to talk about when Im being escorted off of someone elese’s property? 

Kira led me down the beach for a few more meters then gestured up a small slope. I scrambled to the top, with him a few steps behind me, and tried to regain my bearings. Sure this was only a few hundred meters down the shore from where I was but nothing looked familiar. I didn’t even see a road nearby, just a tree leaning dangerously over the wall eyes. I shuddered remembering fainting there a few days ago. Drat, I would have to ask him for directions. I steeled myself up, ready to be met with a cold and partial response but he spoke first. 

“What do you know of Morioh?” What an odd way of phrasing a question. Was he trying to offer me directions? 

“I’ve been here about a week, so all I know is my hotel in the city center, the beach where I just was, the Wall Eyes and the hospital.” Hopefully 

“Which way is the hospital.” The way he phrased it was more like command than a question. And why the fuck was he asking me he lived here. Ugh he's testing me, that condescending little jerk. I flexed my hands so I did not clench them in fists, it was a good thing I had a pretty decent internal GPS. Yeah there was that one time I convinced my family I knew my way around Rome because I studied Latin for 6 years, but as it turned out a lot had changed from the 2000 year old maps I knew. 

“That way,” I pointed confidently over his shoulder and to the left. I was pretty sure that was where I would have ended up if I had left the beach the other way. 

“No.” He said flippantly, as if he’s disappointed I didn’t know better. I stood there like an enraged dead fish, glaring with my mouth hanging open. He was being cold and dismissive yet I still wanted to show off. I cracked the knuckles in my right hand and took a deep breath in I can be a nice person. 

“Would you mind showing me the way?” I asked in my best imitation of a regularly pleasant person. 

Kira blinked in a way that looked affirmative, or I was imagining things, so I followed as he turned around to walk around the wall eyes.

Once I stopped being as embarrassed and afronted, it was a nice walk. We were still close enough to the beach to feel the breeze on my face, and every so often I caught a glimpse of Kira batting his hair out from his eyes. Which as much as I hated to say it, was pretty cute. I couldn't help but want to reach out and brush it out of his face for him. But that would be quite rude and creepy, so I restrained myself. Of course I stole some other glances at him. He walked very purposefully, each step was assured, and he kept a nice rhythmic pace too. 

I cleared my throat, it had been silent for a long time, and now that i was actually calm I didn't want to come off as rude. He had been kind in his own weird little way. 

“Do you live around here?” Hopefully that was friendly and not ‘I'm going to stalk you’... 

“I live by the harbor.” He had slowed a little to match my pace. That was considerate, I think. 

“Ah yes I know where that is.” Shit that was too sarcastic. 

“You do?” He quirked an eyebrow up. 

“No of course not, I already told you all the places I know.” I forced a smile, and an awkward laugh. Please think this was a joke. 

A noise, he madea  weird noise, like a sharp exhale without moving his face.

“Guess you did.” That was a laugh? Maybe? 

“But that does explain-” I gestured loosely to his outfit, “this.” 

“How so?” His voice was lighter, and I could almost hear a smirk in it. But his face still showed no effect. He must be warming up to me.

“You work there, no? On a ship?” 

“Yes,” he looked impressed and I hated how that made me excited, “I do. How did you know?” He couldn't seriously be asking me that right? He was dressed like a 1940’s sailor. He had to know that. 

“Well you either work on a ship or you just learned the yablochko…” I nervously laughed again. Everything is fine. 

“I'm a surgeon.” He said in the lightest tone I’d heard him use yet. But wait, that didn't quite make sense...

“Oh-” 

“On cargo ships.” He clarified.

“Ah…” so he wasn't mocking me, “Oh that's very interesting actually.”  It was so interesting that apparently I hadn’t realized we had made it back into the city. Or the outskirts of it at least. It wasn’t like we had been talking for long, or about much, there was just something about him that stole all my attention. 

But now that I recognized where we were a little, I let my eyes stray. I think he said something, but everything was drowned out by a literal monster in the street in front of us. 

I grabbed Kira by the arm, not so gently jerking him back to keep from walking closer to that thing. It was pink and tall, with odd pointed ears and what looked like armored plating. No one else was paying it any mind on the sidewalk, but I felt my nails digging into his arm and didn't think I remembered how to breathe. 

He was very calm when it turned around to look at us. Kira glanced a few times between me and whatever the hell that was before speaking. 

“Ah, so you can see it now.”

[nofliight]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stole it from @sternenteile​ and honestly others tbh tagging: TAKE

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ for better or for worse, he’s THE face of kid icarus, after all. he’s a dork and funny and likeable and even if the fandom tends to get him WRONG (thanks smash bros) there’s no denying his popularity ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ i don’t??? think so??? most people are too busy talking about how they think he’s like 5 ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ EVEN THE FANDOM AIN’T GONNA MESS THIS UP. MAN FIGHTS GODS. CALL THAT WEAK. ]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ make no mistake - pit’s got fans and plenty of them but he’s so MISTREATED by the fandom. his character is a lot more complex than he gets credit for and smash bros in particular is a big reason people think he’s just Big Dumb Baby Man ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. [ HE’S THE MAIN CHARACTER, THE CENTRAL FIGURE UPON WHOM THE NARRATIVE IS STRUCTURED AROUND, YEAH HE’S PRETTY RELEVANT. Uprising is literally made to tell the story of a war exclusively through the perspective of a single side and Pit (and Palutena) are the EMBODIMENT of that whole side. ]

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ and a perfect one at that. he’s literally a perfect protagonist don’t tell me i’m wrong cause i’m not ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ pit is beloved by humans... and mocked by the Gods. seen by most as a spineless extension of palutena’s will, most “respect” of any variety goes to palutena while he gets treated as a joke 99% of the time... and it’s not like Palutena gets too much respect either ]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (????) [ Uhhhhhh... it’s an odd one. Short answer is that Pit’s a good samaritan who’s done a lot of good BUT most of the gods think protecting humanity is a Folly and a Joke and that Pit’s just a pawn of Palutena’s and while the humans do hold a lot of respect for him, uh............. let’s just say, some humans on the surface have reasons not to be too happy with him. ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  —  about as much as I need to to respect one of my favorite video games of all time. while kid icarus uprising is a comedic game most of the way through it has a lot more nuance and depth to itself, its world, and its characters than one can see at first glance, even after a full playthrough. if you let yourself get invested in the characters, take a closer look at the dialogue it provides, and acknowledge the central, core storytelling message of the game for what it is, there’s a lot more to pull out than one would think. that being said, it’s still a comedic video game and one that I think could use some more expansion. though the game is inconsistent there seems to be the consensus that pit is like a child and I’m not into that, mine’s a bit more showing in his cynical and snarky side after all he’s been through and overall there’s a lot of expansion on the base while building it into something unique.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  imagine your typical bootstrapped anime protagonist. someone who, when younger, was a runt who couldn’t meet the expectations of others, was looked down on, and found himself crushed and hurt and near-killed by a great tragedy that he was forced to claw his way out of to make himself stronger. Now imagine all of that with a character who comes out still able to have a very real smile and ultimately comes out of it a self-assured, chipper goofball with a good heart. now put that together with all of the darkness and depth you would have expected to be there, but scattered realistically throughout the attitude of someone who does genuinely want to keep a positive attitude. someone who is sincerely an optimist who’s grown past his weaker days, but isn’t quite so simple as he’d like to believe. all of that combined with someone who can’t read, is willing to eat ice cream off the floor in times of duress, is extremely easy to fluster and can channel his goddess’ power to slay GODS? you got one strong man.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  his positive attitude is what most people will see when speaking to him, because for what it’s worth, he’s not actively lying about his depth. he’s a cheerful, jovial man with a big smile and a love of the world around him - which is all well and good, but his depth is something you have to find, even if it is reasonably clear if you’re willing to look. he’s also portrayed as a bit unreasonably dumb at times, and though I personally justify the worst of it with proper explanations, I can understand reducing some of the value of the character in favor of seeing all of his Jokes

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i made my original pit blog, flightlesswarrior, on a total whim after playing kid icarus uprising. cute character, fun premise, why not? but over time, and with numerous plots I was able to take part in exploring the serious, not so serious, shipping, tragedy, and going back through the game to keep my muse rolling, it occurred to me more and more with time just how nuanced and interesting pit and co. really are. pit embodies many of the things i really, truly love in a protag, falling firmly on the side of good, having a heart of genuine gold, and having nuances and parts of his personality that are less than savory without making him seem like a contradiction. he’s got depth, he’s got story, there’s a lot to explore and flesh out... and he’s also just a nice, friendly guy who gets along well with others. plus, i’m drawn to dorks.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  a) love for Kid Icarus: Uprising. a game that helped me gain a deeper and more insightful understanding of character development, subtle storytelling, optimism still tinged with legitimate and healthy cynicism, and overall something that changed my understanding of character development and storytelling forever. and b) spite. the fandom treats him like an idiot baby and smash DOES NOT help matters so i have to remind others that he is a veteran of a war, a socially inept loser with few real friends, and someone who’s kindness and optimism was shaped and molded by its hardships in a way that doesn’t require a near-breaking point or a reminder that “this guy could be evil you know” to show how someone can still keep a positive attitude in spite of all the shit life throws at him.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO [ i’d like to think i have?? but i also acknowledge that he’s become something of his Own in some ways that do intentionally diverge from sakurai’s intentions. ultimately though, even though i may not play him completely true to text, i try to be as loyal as i can be to the spirit of the character. ]

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [ when i can!! but??? the problem is my mind really, really likes to reiterate the Same Damn Points i have to make with characters that draws me to them - and you know, writing the same hcs over and over is generally considered poor form?? ngl i also prefer to let the writing do the talking unless it’s something that’s not gonna show so 90% of the time pit’s open enough that all but the darker sides of his mind are lain out before you. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ maybe??? once or tWICE???? but i need to write more ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ I REALLY DO, HOO MAMA. i have a lot of thoughts about him, his depth, potential relationships, goofy thoughts, more serious fanfic ideas im never gonna write and don’t get me started on how many SHIPS i have to think about for him ]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO [ my portrayal is made out of spite for portrayals in the fandom and some supplementary material that gets him wrong - it’s kinda hard to do that without the confidence ]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / ??? [ it’s uhh........ complicated??? i don’t think writing is my expertise, tbh. but it is the best way i have to show the passion i have for characters, by putting their nuances into actions, by allowing them to shine from who they are their core, by exploring relationships and scenarios and struggles and hope and everything that can flesh a character out. whether or not i’m a good writer is something i’m still sorting out - but i’m proud of my ability to develop a character, and to that end i feel like i’m doing fine ]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. [ on one hand......... very. i have a tendency to overthink everything i do and look back at moments i made an ass of myself that keep haunting me throughout my day - they haunt me. i only have two fears: what my immediate friend group thinks of me and the crushing existential weight of worrying one day i’m gonna ruin everything i am SOFT. that being said, i’m also hardheaded and stubborn and i’m not afraid to go off on someone i don’t have much respect for if it comes down to it. i’m easy to anger when it comes down to it you know i guess that proves the point huh i’m not stonefaced at all ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i try to? it’s a bit touchy for me I admit just because I do take portrayals and try to make them my own, but i am willing to listen if someone has any points they’d like to make that i haven’t acknowledged properly. if criticism IS had, lemme know, i do wanna hear it!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —   Y  E  S

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  not that everyone who disagrees with my opinions has to explain themselves of course, but i do sincerely like the chance to learn if something i’m doing doesn’t quite feel right. even if it’s one-sided and i’ll come to disagree, i’m happy to listen! even if i don’t agree with the disagreement head-on, i like to keep them in mind and see what i can shift around to acknowledge them if necessary

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  — neutral?? i mean don’t be mean about it, but if you just think my pit doesn’t seem right or it doesn’t click right with your muse i’m not gonna throw a fit about it. everyone’s allowed to view a character in their own way - and even if i may get salty about those who oversimplify him, it IS anyone’s right to view him how they will.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  — agree to disagree tbh. i can’t pretend it wouldn’t disappoint me, but it’s not like, worth ending a friendship over or anything. everyone’s got their own viewpoints to run on

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  sure, within reason! i take pride in my grammar but i know that with my fast typing and often running on only a few hours of sleep some problems do slip in through the cracks. while i generally either catch them or just Die with them i’m all ears if i mess up

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  uhhhhhhhhhh well i’m?? kind of a socially anxious mess honestly which DOES make being easy going a bit difficult BUT i do try and be friendly and sociable as i....... can. i’m too scared to talk to people and CAN say some dumb things but i’m not a hardass or anything!! i like to talk and Yell and shitpost and pretty much do anything but write tbh DHFLKSJDF

[hybrid-lion]

*lights cigarette and sips tea like Kermit the frog while wearing green*

File under: wyldling stuff

OR

 "You do not want to sell me death sticks… You want to text me and have me do your dishes and sleep on the floor and make art with you.*

 ~Obi Wan

  So let's see…

 I'm about 2 months in now to this foray, it's actually genuinely nice out today despite the cloud cover (I grew up in NE so I enjoy grayish days all the same); I live for both sunny days and can be happy in the rain, but prefer not sleeping in the elements considering what I'm working with (as romantic of an idea it seems).

  This is very much well known of me—

 Oof that hibiscus tea hits just right though..

 That hibiscus tea though..

 Let's see, was able to consolidate the backpack we're still rocking with the 60 ltr. bag and thanks to the organization and efforts of giving people that showed up for us at St. Paul's here  in the community I was able to get a couple things (A ground pad that I might not actually need ((  I might be able to give that to somebody and pay that forward, got a sleeping bag, etc), some utilities. You know how that goes.

 The past two months have been working with the land, cleaning up around town, reaffirming my lessons and send eof value of my self, holding people accountable and choosing where I place my time and energy.

 The folks who organize the cold weather shelter on South Main deserve all the praise, as well as the folx down at the Friendly Kitchen for coming in clutch with regular warm meals. I've dropped some weight out here that I was hoping to keep on walking around but am strong like a taxidermied pachyderm again.

 I've mostly been aiming to get out of the state shortly in the coming days and hit the road again which is my goal. I'm excited to extend myself to apply to different environmental jobs as well as bring my best to the table and good opportunities as they present themselves to me.

I genuinely believe people can choose to stop and take the time to start good processes. I'm aware of what I know and my journey and if you would, some of the ideations of that destiny and would believe others will seize their own alongside me, and choose to avoid standing in my way but with me as well in love and defiance of apathy or inaction, which is why I'm such a vocal proponent of my beliefs. 

 I'm practicing not having to be so vocal so that there is a more contingent balance right now and my energy and efforts are understandably valued as they are similar in weight and goals as other like minded folks.

I've been working out, practicing meditations and forms, and just getting back into the swing of things. My aims and aspirations are clear and I know that my intentions are good as ever.

 

 Where am I is I am currently posted over on one of my favorite benches; don't really know exactly what the day has but I'm looking forward to it—

  I have a heart song that I want to sing when I can sing it for folks without being pressured to do so.

  In my heart the possibilities I have in mind are made reality, and Im quite resolved in handling things as I am capable best and positively fof what the day could bring us jn our best interests and designs.

 

   I've reached out to a couple folks from my past life if you would.

   I am hoping and anticipating that somebody decides to hit me back, as that would be super helpful in not being out. I would ideally find a dry floor to crash on and pull my weight in turn like that Orphans song would echo the sentiment of.

  I'm going to be in the area for a little while and it'd be really reaffirming to catch up on some folks if they chose to and if they decided— 

I forgot I have Honey and Oat granola bars too.. I have snacks. 

This is great.

— as I was  if they decided to do so and it was in their best interest as well—  Genuinely just my best for mine and me these days and forward.

With my comprehension of oneness and many forms of practicality in reality I'll probably check in to different circles and with others when it's appropriate for me without inviting in tons of unneeded chaos in a negative fashion and moreso in Lightness.

Idk if anyone ever thinks of the lightness of chaos, or as I prefer to put it, 

  "I loathe constructive dis-order as I choose to see it…"

 Planned for a lot of adventures in the immediate future that I want to pan out mostly specifically pertaining to artwork as well as hopefully I have my eyes on the horizon, working with the land as well as maybe doing some tending and traveling.

 I would be way better off having somebody with me rather than just solo dolo, physically present.

 I got to feed the birds this morning which was super jovial and fun and I've been doing that frequently with meditations on giving and receiving and just for the sake of it.

I just I picture myself atm unwilling to play the proverbial hermit/ 

I actually still love people and socializing on my best days.

 

Going to be heading up either Northern New England or maybe down to the coastline.

 I would like to see the ocean again.

 I was thinking about that the other day which it occurs to me. 

Honestly even though I've spent time by the water  a lot it occurs to me that I never really like had like an avid passion for hanging out or like experiencing the ocean that much as a young adult or as a kid growing up it wasn't out of like fear it wasn't out of animosity…

(although sharks and things in the depths are very scary you know like stare into as the saying goes into the void the void stares)

 Back like there's probably things down there you wouldn't want to be poking.

 Same could be said for a lot of things but you know also you know when you go into something with the right mentality you have to bear in mind you know your mentality— like usually attracts like if you can bear that in mind. So again absolutely l o a t h e me some constructive dis order 🖤💜❤️💜

   Some of my life teachers or guides or a few out me into these and I in turn should fly over there when able and give them a big ol cup of hibiscus tea and mindful of how greatly I value their and my lessons and blessings in turn.

   So yeah we're excited to see what the Day brings might be breaking for camp I do have to like my cigarette again apparently even though I'm trying to quit and will be putting it shortly

 

You only know what you know and where the day is going to take you as you can plan to have and you always hit some small bumps on the road.

 I'm only expecting the best from myself and others these days which is really good applying my lessons as I see fit and not getting caught up on other people's interests from me and spending my time wisely.

 

Speaking of I do need to go to my old house over alcohol and procure some things I have that planned out with a peace officer and I'm just not going to be letting that situation weigh me down. 

 I'm not going to be associating with my prior abusers from my birth family that can't show up for love.

  I'm literally going for some tools and CM and perhaps my yoga mat, which would be more it'd be easier to carry them to the sleeping mat and it'll be able to use it for yoga.

Stretching in the morning, which has again become very very important to me being out and about all the time and just thinking about it now it's like I want to work on my hamstrings but I'm not going to do that atm.

 I'm still going to be procuring microphone when I have the resources available, more mobile gear than anything but still quality gear so I can get the podcast going in the meantime we're just doing logs and poetry and writing and patching and selling and things that make me happy little enjoy enjoyable pastimes like journaling.

 I've been trying to get back to people as well have met some real ones out here that I would take with me if I was precisely able to, specifically some of the older guys from the shelter and kitchen, a couple of the sisters around my age, a few of my bunkmates and some other seasoned folks who seem like good souls, again focusing on tending to reality of my situation and minding my own.

 Very much back to myself as capable as I've grown,  when I'm able to despite the obstacles that have been conquered as well as the obstacles that have been accomplished and already overcome. 

One door closes, another door opens and there's a time and place to address these kinds of things. Sargeant comes to my house like don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things like— luckily I'm wearing antiperspirant.

  Clean as a whistle over here surprisingly enough even though I can't remember the last time I showered.

 Which is hilarious even though yesterday was Saturday and I should have.

  I should have showered then,

  but I've just been  mobile and like give myself punk baths here and there like the sink bath. Anybody who's ever been at like at like a camp or a conference knows very much about the same bath or a punk bath if you would whatever you want to call it without being too to non PC. 

 Going now I'm going to hit back a couple folks see if anybody will let me stash my pack with them for a little bit while I go over to my prior abusers house just so I don't have like a 60 l plus bag on my back all the way over there and yeah just expecting the best for myself in the immediate future and hopefully people will come along for the ride it'll be super fun lots of good s*** be wild wild times.

    If y'all like my prior content or want to see more of my future content you can just get at me digitally most accessible for me right now when I have my phone charged until I can procure some more gear.

  You  can always contact me if you have to light if you want to like WebEx or zoom/ video chat as well as long as it's appropriate timing and I'd let you know but yeah you know if anybody wants to reach out to me feel free you know you again it would be nice to re–meet some folks. 

you can look at supporting me or helping me get through this tumultuous time and then I turn I can always of course give back to the community to pull my own weight if you would both literally and proverbial as well as see fit you know what would work best for those involved in the meantime I'm probably just going to eat some granola bars and figure out where to put this backpack because it is lofty the luggage is lofty but manageable and I'm keeping it I also really want to go pick up my echeveria from the house I don't know if I can but something's telling me just carry the echeveria around with me even though it's like not exactly it's not exactly portable right now but how like how perfect would it be if I just have my echeveria like on my head or like on the in the back of my pack like like I don't know like I remember I remember being out in SF and seeing folks with like their cats or like their dogs and their rats just hanging out with them on their shoulder and I'm like I'll just take my complex houseplants with me.

   I can effectively do for myself today looks like the sun's coming out peeking out from behind the clouds a little bit and even if it doesn't it's still out there somewhere which is super lovely and yeah other than that many blessings and you know make your day serve you to your utmost potential as only you yourself would know.

You want to get at me or if you want to support my at the time even like the smallest bean of grain–

 You can hit the cow like button

 you can toss a coin to your shifty cat friend 

or you can hit me up on ko-fi so I can then turn by you a coffee however they pronounce that.

 I know the value of my content and I'm going to be putting that on lock or at least some of the more special personal things for folks who want to subscribe to that kind of stuff that'll be done.

 

  IG is still going to be getting regular updates along with my personal snap when I'm able to and in the position too and other than that yeah all y'all have a beautiful beautiful week ahead of you.

~D

@hybrid_lion on IG

 campsite.bio/hybrid_lion

http://liondaydreams.com/

Also if I was meandering through and stopped to say hai and catch up I might be kind of ragged but clean up nice

Working on this one as well...

[craftedcoils-blog-blog]

A Room With A View

Not only is the floor hard but its covered in wires.  The empty cigarette packs make a nice cushion if they're in the right position.  Theres a vent high above me that almost touches the cement ceiling but stops short.  I like to look at it like it's some bond villain; more powerful than the wall but not quite as collected and austere as the ceiling.  Like it's waiting at the bus terminal with a bomb.  Waiting for a certain bus with a certain passenger but is to distracted by it's own motive and doesn't read the right sign and ends up missing the bus because he isn't sure which passenger is on which bus.  Always he misses the bus.  Will always miss the bus.  Theres no two ways about it.  

There are pipes.  One is in a perpendicular erection to the wall but straight forward like the penis had a muzzled dog nose.  Another pipe behind it, thicker and spray painted for some reason, was burrowed into a drywall box in one corner on one end and painted the same color as the drywall box in the opposite corner.  This is weird to me.  Fucking weird.  Like an ironic mistake.   It occurs to me that I have to think about these things if I ever want to fall asleep.  Especially in this place.   Unless I am comfortable, my mind will devour me and I will eat reality like I'm starving and it's a delicious hamburger, until the daydream becomes a nightmare and I become comfortable because I have picked certain things out to help occupy my brain with meaningless information.  It has to be this way.  Things have to bear absolutely no importance on my waking life, it has to be random, arbitrary, stupid…otherwise my mind will eat it up and I cannot handle the digestion because my metabolism is too quick.  And insatiable, never filled, always hungry.  Like there is a tunnel inside of the mind and at the end is a slight glimmer of something you can barely touch and despite how much you want it and how obsessed you become with it, it just becomes a part of your dream or twisted nightmare.  And then you fall asleep.  

I have been in this room for an indeterminable amount of time.  Its part of an experiment, I have agreed to.  I cannot leave, it is part of the experiment, and if I do, everything will fall apart somehow and I will loose what I have been trying to obtain and in one fell swoop become exposed again to the fucked up world outside and my mind, the frailest of organs, will once again become diluted by society.  It will give me information that I do not need or want and it will reduce me proper.  Like vermiculite to soil, like sand, like the croppings of beetle wings, sawdust and basil that, in some mad scientist's version of  an antidote to some disease I do not have, is somehow connected to the panacea that I need but can never bring myself to ask for.  

I have a friend that comes by and brings me things.  Survival elements;  Food, beer and cigarettes mostly.  The later two without question, the former can momentarily be substituted by meditation and further drinking.  The food is usually dim sum.  I didn't ask for it but I don't really care.  I'll eat shoelaces when Im drunk and the MSG makes me feel like i'm sparkles and helps me sleep so I go with it.  Sometimes he brings me trinkets which I usually throw into a corner somewhere but then rearrange them quickly if I know he's coming to establish a perception that maybe I am ministering these stupid items as if they mean something to me.  Maybe they should.  I just don't seem to care.  My friend's name is Fred.

Sometimes Fred comes by, and for reasons I can only explain to myself, I can tell he is afraid.  Maybe it's the awkward look on his face and the darting glances that shoot out like an estranged chrysalis atop an asparagus high on lightning and forcing itself into every conceived corner of non-space, but it frightens me back actually, seeing a human being so offensively perturbed by another.  Or maybe its not me he is afraid of and if its not then that scares me even more.  I guess it's a sort of symbiosis that we have.  A collaboration in fear.  

I hate to say it, perhaps because I rely on him so much and have known him for so long but, sometimes I sense something almost sinister in Fred.  A betrayal;  but not from him in particular.  He is a good person, I can sense it.  I wouldn't have begun this whole thing if he weren't.  But I feel as if he is some kind of a henchman, perhaps even for this whole situation, this weird experiment that we have agreed to.  In the beginning it was more jovial, I had it under control, or at least I thought I did and that was good enough to keep me happy or whatever.  But at this juncture I am no longer sure who is in control of what or if there is any control to be had at all.  Sometimes its like I have become not mine or Fred's but some other force's twisted experiment.  Like I am a prisoner.   I think I have to imagine these scenarios because I have no contact with the outside world.  In this scenario I have created I can imagine him driving away from this room in silence as some dark overlord pats him on the back, appearing out of nowhere in the backseat and congratulating him on a job well done.  He resists the accolades because he hates what he has do to but has no say in the matter regardless.  At least this is what I see in his eyes as he hands me the half rack and bags of dim sum and seems to be begging me to be the one to stop all this.  He handles it all like he's fucking poisoning it and I look at him.  I try to tell him that I've poisoned myself and that he has nothing to do with it, but my eyes are not so revealing, forgiving.  

Yesterday, I think it must have been, I wrote a a small bit about altruism on the wall next to a strange hole that only goes as deep as my longest finger will allow.  I think I love this hole.  I don't understand it, and it makes as little sense to me as a monkey on a tugboat, but I don't seem to want to know why or how this hole is here either.  I just want to love it as it is.  It is a beautiful thing when you can choose not to care about what you love because you know it just is and will always be what you think you love.  But I wrote this thing on the wall and I was thinking that it doesn't matter if you do nice things at all.  Assholes do nice things all the time.  I think you have to be afraid to be an asshole.  Fear is the overlooked cousin of empathy but balancing fear and empathy is too difficult for most of us to imagine.  Fear makes you sensitive and through the introspection that is created through your own knowledge of it you become empathetic.   False confidence does not breed sensitivity, that much I am sure of.  The gift shop is what we cant help but expose to the rest of the world.  The gallery is what we have inside that people are constantly trying to figure out.  I used to think that I was a nice person until I realized that having these kind of thoughts make me an asshole.  

Anyways, I have to let myself breath sometime and sometimes I miss people because, despite all their annoying faults and beautiful problems, they are at least interesting.  I miss being downtown and looking at some random guy 's head lesion after I establish eye contact and then they look away right before I do.  I miss catching a fearful glance from someone dressed in a halloween costume that is slightly more outgoing than their comfort can allow. I miss sitting awkwardly in a stairwell with a cigarette, watching the people go up and down wondering if it's normal or not.  I miss the mystery of whether or not  things are normal because right now I have no idea.  I guess I need that self proclaimed vindication.  I need some kind of reference point, I need something to see so that I can at least see through it.  In this room I cannot bring myself to see anything let alone see through anything.  The only faults I can identify are my own and they have no reference.  I guess the only thing you can actually see through is yourself and once you pass through that and into the other room all there is are one way mirrors.  

I miss little interactions with people that don't matter.  People that don't matter say the most interesting things because they don't care and they don't care because no one has ever cared about them.  Their thoughts are only their own.  I miss the homeless superheroes, riding that electric rainbow into foreverness.  I miss talking about things that I don"t give a shit about just for my own therapy.  I miss calculating the time it takes for grocery clerks to bag your groceries.  Some of them are really good, but i'll never tell them.  I guess I just miss slipping on the slime that coats the city.  It has a strange cushion when you fall.  It's like a lillypad, you might fall in but you can't expect anything.  In this room I have my shoes in a small duffle bag in the corner and all I use are flip-flops.

What I don't miss is the planing and strategy that comes along with interacting with society,  contorting my face and personality to match an assumed perception of some female, hobgoblin or whatnot that I see on the bus, looking off with squinted eyes and lips pursed like an asshole.  Im definitely an asshole, at this point i've relaxed to this fact.  I don't really miss sex all that much.  At least not as much as I miss talking to women and kissing their faces.  I masturbate about once every 4 hours but I don't have a clock in here.  There's also that thing that happens when your talking to people and you weigh their personality and react to them accordingly.  People will tell you they don't do this but they all definitely do, its just that some people are not very self aware or too much so, at this point i cant really tell.  I do miss friendship.  And I miss being a brother.

I can tell my friend is here again because I can hear the estranged echo of footsteps and the rustling of plastic bags and him typing in the code onto the keypad on the door.  You have to press the buttons in very firmly otherwise it takes forever and it's no longer a secret.  I have given him the privilege of coming in unannounced because I feel it gives me a very small amount of spontaneity that i think is important.  I hear him keying in the code and my brain has to immediately shift from private to social in 3-5 seconds.  I think that humans need this shift to survive.  When you pull them out into the world it is overwhelming.  They are in a constant state of trying to understand the private recesses of their mind's while spontaneously interacting with others in the process.  Thats why society is schizophrenic.  Why do children learn to talk?  Because everyone else is doing it, and so I have arranged for the lowest possible amount of this.  Learn to react immediately.  

I have one bucket in the corner in which I pee and shit the massive amounts of MSG I consume.  I cover it with seran wrap.  It may not be the best system but I'm too lazy to think of anything else.  I'm not Alan fucking Turing.  I've told Fred not to give me any advice and to overlook any discrepancy that he may see in my behavior while i'm in here.  I have directed him to abandon any formula for this scenario that he may construct and I tell him to shut up and I am still learning to do the same:  Any mistakes I may make in this eternity are my own to live with and thats the way I've decided it should go.  

Sometimes I want to talk to Fred about the world.  This is not one of those times but sometimes I do.  I occasionally want to engage with him about the ticks and tocks of life out there.  But I have expressed very clearly that he is not to speak to me about anything other than what may be happening in this room.  There's something about this that I don't think he likes.  

The list of items I have in this room are as follows:  a tiny glockenspiel that I hammer out rhythms with, a recording interface, two microphones, two speakers, a children sized drum set, 37 books of empty college ruled paper piled up in the corner and 3 scattered about the room with diametric scribblings and esoteric remarks on random pages about divinity, 20 30 paged books of staff paper untouched, a USB keyboard, a Bob Hope marionette I bought from a Ukrainian gypsy on 4th ave in Olympia, 3 firewire cables, 7 xlr cables, a pair of colorful boots, an amplifier and 3 foot switches.  

I have acquired the habit of marking, with a ball point pen, all of the spots where I bruised, cut or hurt myself.  For example, I fell onto a cymbal stand the other day and now my shoulder is in considerable pain.  I think i'll keep re-marking it until it goes away.  At least I can reach it.  At least I can diagnose the problem.  I feel as if this calculated procedure will help in identifying things about myself that would otherwise go unnoticed.  At least the parts of myself that I can reach.  If I am not becoming a robot, than I am coming close to being one.  As if thought were just an amalgam of circumstance.  My environment is finite, like a local bar where you are a regular.  You keep thinking you are going to experience something different with each day, but nothing ever changes.  You go in, expecting to find that one thing that tells you that you are alive and not just a machine, but it never comes.  You are the same person you were yesterday, and the day before, and you can never expect anything different.  You can never expect life to be something that it isn't because then it never will.  You will always be seeing past life instead of through it.  Your frustration of what is not happening will shadow reality and make you a non-entity, a husk of what was once a human.  But then you wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and go outside, because this is where you think life happens.