#anyways this wasn’t supposed to be a vent post let’s change the topic!

[sucrose-soymilk]

hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better

[rpbetter]

Today I learned a popular vent blog is repressing submissions about the drama with the now defunct resource blog. They probably have a relationship to the resource blog admin, or they are the admin. I know two people who sent submissions that were not published, but new submissions they made after were. The admin is silent after inquiries about it. They are ignoring everyone who tries to talk about it. It is so hard to find a place in the rpc that is transparent right now, a place that does not censor people who need to get things off their chest. Of all places that should keep their bias in check. It should not be a vent blog. That is one of the last places people go when they can not confide in their rp partners, or people in real life. Sometimes just having a vent post published can be everything. It is more silencing than people think.

Okay, I do know what you're talking about. I've said in the past that I specifically look around the RPC to gauge a rounder set of experiences, problems, etc. That blog is such a place that I have visited in the past to do so, and I have both noticed and been told what you're telling me now. I will admit, because I do believe in honesty here as a part of transparency one should strive to uphold off of their RP and personal blogs, that I have held exactly these suspicions since the blog choose to "handle" recent events the way they did. That is why I was paying attention to the disparity in both original submissions published and the responses to them.

What I have seen is a little uncomfortable feeling. It isn't just The Topic itself, it's also anything relating too closely to that mun's repeatedly expressed positions on things as well. Well, you know, a frightening number of people do feel the same way, do engage in those behaviors, so I am willing to believe that I am merely seeing shit where it doesn't exist. I am, after all, just a person, doing what people do, being fallible. I'm not acting on any information that anyone else out there isn't privy to, I also want t be clear about that. It's the opposite of my interest to withhold information, make it up, or inflame the situation.

Like everyone else in the RPC right now, it's incredibly difficult to not be suspicious. So many really ugly things were revealed and transpired, it was like every three hours there was something horrifying and new going on. And the way that it was left off, with the meme blog mun and with that vent blog just served to chafe those feelings for many.

So, again, while I am not trying to give this all a spritzer of gasoline, and neither am I acting on any knowledge none of you have, I've had suspicions since the time that vent blog decided that it was fully appropriate to refuse action for what went on that there was a bit of a personal connection going on. When your blog has established that it will mass-block people for far less, but suddenly, over this, it's a useless effort not going to help anyone? I'm sorry, that's suspicious to me. If nothing else, it was incredibly shitty to tell muns who were targetted because of interactions on their blog to just get over it and be adults when the adult thing is to approach the mods (hello, it does stand for moderator) with concerns, and this is a serious concern.

One that has done exactly as you say - effectively shut down venting and communication on that blog. I love that the direction is constantly to take things to the comments lmao gee, I wonder why no one is willing to openly comment anymore? Total mystery! Could it be that even you feel you can handle potential harassment, you don't want to endanger anyone else who might not be able to? Possibly.

Venting has a negative connotation here anyway, that doesn't help. Months before this all happened, I was seeing an increasing number of people equating such blogs to burnbooks, or at best, "childish echo chambers."

However, venting on one's own blog is not alright either. We're not supposed to have a visible problem with anyone or anything they're doing, ever. It's supposed to work out every time like this: you approach the person(s) causing you this problem and discuss it maturely with them in private, the issue is resolved, and everyone goes off into the sunset crapping rainbows. Double ones, even.

The problem is...it doesn't work out like that very often. That isn't to say it shouldn't be your first action, it should. Sometimes, especially if you've been both lucky and extremely careful about your writing partners, you'll be wonderfully surprised and it'll be a great conversation that helps both muns. So much of the time though, it instigates a fight because everyone is automatically defensive as hell, or one or both muns are so afraid of that happening that they'll refuse to have a meaningful confrontation (confrontation is not always negative, we need to stop viewing it that way). One or both say whatever is necessary to smooth over the problem, while they change nothing at all, making the feelings of anger so much worse.

And maybe, this problem isn't that big of a deal, one needs to work themselves up into addressing it, or they've cause to actually fear the other mun's response to them.

So, they have three options, and none of them is alright with the RPC:

vent to a friend - this is unacceptable because it is always seen as talking shit behind another mun's back, bringing drama to others, and trying to force people to take sides, no matter how much none of these may be the case and hold a lot of variables depending on the type of venting and the relationship of the muns involved

vent/vague on the dash - not always the same thing, not always occurring at the same time, and not always invalid either, but always viewed as incredibly malicious and wrong. Even if the result was either getting the friend who wouldn't stop refusing to engage to have a meaningful conversation with you or finding a new partner because someone else has been experiencing it too, you know you're not going to do this to each other, and a mutual you've been ignoring is now a valued partner

vent on a vent blog - seen as even worse than venting on one's blog in some corners because it's a more open to visit place, it's just stirring up drama and fights, this makes everyone feel vagued about and suspicions and accusations of being mentioned/mentioning someone run wild. Everyone wants a drama-free dash, no one wants to allow anyone a better place to do it

Venting is important. I think it is necessary to maintaining a less explosive environment. It's called "venting" for a reason!

Maybe it is the most ridiculous complaint in history, but those things do build. And build. And build. Until they blow up all over in someone's face, it might even be someone totally innocent who happened to be in the right place at the wrong time with exactly the worst coincidental words spoken to you. These places allow for people to get it out without hurting anyone's feelings or starting a massive argument when it wasn't even anything that serious. They offer, or used to, different perspectives that let muns feel seen while helping them to decide whether they are just blowing things out of proportion, misunderstanding/potentially unaware of another aspect, or even in a worse situation than they were allowing themselves to be aware of with a harmful relationship.

It goes beyond just venting when there are conversations going on about the topics! Sometimes, people just need to feel like they're not so isolated. Sometimes, they legitimately lack the tools and perspectives to approach a problem more directly or successfully. And yes, sometimes, they even need to see that this is kind of shitty of them and they should reevaluate.

Vent blogs are difficult to manage.

We all have biases, and when it comes to more personal situations we can recognize or see ourselves within, that is never more likely to become a point of extra difficulty to keep in check. This is actually why I left that vent blog the first time around, there was way too much bias being expressed with a mod taking it upon themselves to opine on submissions, fight with people about them, and refuse to post them while vaguing about them. Among other, increasingly perturbing behaviors I had no desire to keep seeing daily on my dash.

When you decide to create or accept a position moderating such a blog, you have to know that you will be thus challenged. Someone is going to vent about someone you'll recognize, a situation you feel passionately about, or say something in a vent that upsets you. You have got to remain visibly impartial. Go on and vent about it yourself to friends, write a post on your personal, do whatever the hell you need to in order to not be visibly biased and acting upon that bias.

I see blogs like this, as well as other places of moderation, often becoming incensed and offering the angry justification that "mods are people." Yes, I should hope you are! No one is saying you must be an impossibly perfect person without opinions, biases, or mistakes. We are holding you to a higher standard of you deal with these things out in the open where you hold this position, yes. That's literally what your job is, my friends. Go off about it, feel your feelings, even cultivate a block list from that blog! But you don't show it, you don't ever make people feel worse when the point of your blog is to allow them a voice.

The only time you need to give a personal opinion is when it is requested or you need to express that a submission was declined/comment had to be moderated due to you exercising your judgment that it violated the rules.

This is supposed to be a safe place for muns to anonymously let it out of their systems and discuss these topics. Not a place where they'll feel exposed, judged by the mods themselves, and denied a voice because of a mod's biases being exercised.

And I'm extremely sorry that people are being made to feel this way, all over again in some cases, because someone cannot handle the position they took up. I'm sorry for the whole community who has lost an important outlet. I wish that I could recommend another place for people to go that might provide a better experience, but as yet, I do not. Hopefully, that'll be changing in the near-enough future, but for right now...all of the vent blogs I was familiar with have long since closed down.

If anyone has any currently running vent blog suggestions, I'd love to know about them and share them! Please, they do have to be legitimate vent blogs. I'm not going to recommend here that might be too close to actually being burnbook-like, deals in publishing URLs, and so on. If you want to engage with that, it's absolutely your choice, but it's not something I want to give certified approval to on this blog, and I hope you understand why. If they're legitimately anonymous, safer places serving as vent blogs, let me know so I can check them out for a few days and publish your ask!

It wasn't my intention with this blog, though I did offer that a couple of times just to get people talking about problems important to them in the past, but if you want to vent here, I'll do my best to publish them (unless you request otherwise) in a relatively timely fashion.

I'm just not a proper vent blog, and people should be aware of that! I do offer opinions on those matters. It's more in line with the point of this blog to do so - I want to be able to give some point of assistance in publishing them. I cannot promise, therefore, to be impartial, but I can promise to not judge you or ignore what you send because I don't agree, am tired of it, etc.

I'd just ask that, once again, everyone realize that sending hateful messages to me isn't going to result in me being nice to you in return. If you've a complaint to lodge, lodge it respectfully if you desire to be treated that way yourself. This blog will publish anon hate, that doesn't mean I'm going to be nice when you send it. Anything else, however, I will genuinely try to offer you the opportunity to be seen and heard, some advice, experiences I might have had with a similar issue, and to approach it fairly.

Sorry that everyone is going through a hard time, that it just doesn't seem to stop, and probably will not for some time now. Thank you for sending this, I hope it made you feel a little better! That has been, and will continue to be, my objective in publishing asks relating to this matter - I just want everyone to feel like they have some agency and respect somewhere, that they're being seen, and that they have the support of others in the community.

[lukatheselkie]

HMC - Music is the language of feelings

@hetaliamondaychallenge

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to repost this one. I won’t be upset if you don’t. It’s decently dark. It’s mostly for myself anyway. I will be posting another for this, so I won’t go without a reblog either way.

This past week hasn’t been fun mentally. I’ve been depressed over... something that will soon become clear. This week’s topic lined up too perfectly not to use it as a vent for what I’ve been feeling. Sweden and I are so much alike, I love using him as my main vent character. Even when it’s something as serious as this.

Pairings: I guess there’s a lead up to SuFra in the future? This isn’t really focused on a relationship though.

Trigger Warning: Sexual assault. Yeah. I said it was dark. There’s not any detail behind it, but it’s definitely mentioned. There’s reassuring words not too long after though. This was written to help comfort myself, and anyone else that might need to hear those words.

   Berwald stares blankly at the water in the pool. He's sitting at the edge, his legs below his knees submerged in the lukewarm liquid. There's music blaring nearby, but nothing besides noise registers in his mind. Someone swims up to him, and he lifts his head up to look at whoever it is. Of course it's Mathias. "Join us, Berry! We're about to play Marco Polo!" He shakes his head meekly. Mathias frowns deeply, and pulls himself up onto the concrete next to him, splashing him a bit by accident. "What's wrong?" Berwald scowls at him.

   "Du g't me w't," he comments quietly. Mathias furrows his brows in confusion.    "You love my pool parties. What happened?"    "N'thing," he answers, too quickly. The Dane opens his mouth to speak, but someone calls to him from the water.

   "Mathias, we're starting with or without you! Leave Berwald alone, he's not feeling well today." He gives Tino a grateful look. The Finnish man nods slightly toward him, before turning his attention back to Mathias. "C'mon! We aren't waiting! Send Berwald in for some medicine if you're that concerned." Gratitude washes over him. He knew telling Tino first was the right thing to do, even if it had drained him.

   "Go get you some medicine. I hope you feel better soon!" He slips back into the pool, curiosity satisfied. For the moment. Berwald stands sluggishly, and stumbles into the house. He gets a few concerned looks from the ones inside, but thankfully no one stops him to ask anymore questions. He sighs in relief when he's in the room he'll be staying in for the night, and can no longer hear the music from outside. It had been giving him a headache. Too upbeat. He tosses his glasses haphazardly on the night stand, hoping that helps his head a bit.

   The thought of music reminds him of a song Tino sent to him to maybe help him express how he's feeling. He curls up in his blanket, and sighs heavily. He turns the song on, tears already threatening to fall. He puts it on half volume, not wanting anyone to walk by the door to the room and hear it. He isn't ready for anyone else to know yet. It's still registering in his mind, honestly. He places the phone by his head, and closes his eyes tightly. This causes his tears to fall, but he doesn't care anymore. He is alone. He can be weak when he's alone. It's the only time it's safe to, especially about... this. He hates admitting it to even himself, how is he supposed to tell everyone he's close to? With time, Tino's voice repeats in his head. That time can't come fast enough. He knows he'll have a support group once he shares. It's not about the fear of being blamed. But saying he's been... it's too much for him. He takes a deep breath, and forces himself to think it, no matter how much it hurts. Sexually assaulted. How had he let himself be sexually assaulted? By a human, no less! He shudders, skin crawling uncomfortably. That's enough, for the moment.

   The song restarts, and he focuses on it this time. (link here) His walls break completely, and he lets himself cry freely as he listens. It's not perfect, but the song expresses what he's feeling so much better than he can. And more accurately, too. It's easier to listen to someone else's experience and relate to it than come up with his own. At this stage, anyway. He hopes to come up with his own, one day. But for now, this is all he can handle. He pauses it when it ends, and takes a deep, shaky breath. He lets it out through his nose slowly, willing his tears away. "I'm m're th'n m' b'dy," he mumbles to himself. His head hurts even more now, so he decides to actually get some medicine. He shoves the blanket off of himself, and stands. He freezes when he turns toward the door. He's not alone. He hurries to wipe at the tears streaming down his cheeks, but he's certain Francis heard everything.

   "Berwald," he whispers. "I- Berwald, I-" He bows his head quickly. "Here," he holds out a cup of water and some medicine. Berwald assumes Mathias sent him to make sure he actually takes some medicine. He almost always fights taking anything, so it makes sense. He takes the items, and swallows down one more than the instructions say. He places the two containers on his nightstand, and sits on his bed. He motions for Francis to sit next to him. He really wants to tell him to leave, but that's not fair to him. It's not his fault he walked in on that. He steps toward him hesitantly. He nods reassuringly, until he finally sits next to him. There's a heavy silence between them for at least five minutes, Francis fidgeting the entire time. Unable to take it anymore, he says something. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm here to listen, if you want to talk about it. Or cry on, if you don't want to talk but want to let it out. And I want you to know it wasn't your fault. It wasn't. No matter what you tell yourself. It will never be your fault. Understood?" A lump forms in Berwald's throat, and he nods.

   "T-tack." He closes his eyes, and lays his head on Francis' shoulder. He scoots closer, and wraps his arms around him. His body starts to shake, and in a matter of seconds he's crying into Francis' hair.

   "Let it out. I'm right here. And I won't leave. I promise." He brings his hand up, and runs it through Berwald's hair cautiously. He wants to comfort him, but he doesn't want to touch a spot that will remind him of what happened. He seems to receive it well though, so he considers it a safe thing to do. "Of course you're more than your body, Berwald. That shouldn't even be a question. Your body is what matters the least to the people that care about you. They care about who you are, not what you are. Every bit of who you are." Berwald pulls him closer. "Even your flaws. The people that care about you love everything about you. Especially your flaws. No matter how little or how large. Caring about those is more important than caring about the good things about you. It shows we love you with them, not despite them. After all, you wouldn't be Berwald if you didn't have everything you currently do. And if this changes you, we'll deal with it. We will accommodate for it. Anyone that doesn't... Well, you're worth more than their time, anyway. It won't be because of anything you did. If someone does that, it's on them. Not you. Absolutely none of this is because of you. Do I have permission to hug you?" Berwald sobs loudly, then nods. Francis hugs him tightly with one arm, running his hand through his hair even more.

~

    When he's thoroughly lost track of time and Berwald has been silent for a long time, Francis carefully releases his hold on the man. He doesn't react, which makes him think he might be asleep. He pulls away just enough to look at his face. His eyes are indeed closed, and his breathing is rather even. He smiles to himself, and kisses him on the forehead. "I'll protect you," he whispers to him. "I promise." He lays them down in the bed, being careful of Berwald's phone. "Sleep well. I love you," he kisses the top of his head. "Maybe I'll get to tell you that soon." But, for now, both of them have a different thing to worry about. He may have volunteered to bring Berwald some medicine so he could finally tell him his feelings for him, but the moment he heard the song he knew he wouldn't be doing that. "Your comfort is more important," he mumbles out. "I will tell you eventually, but I won't let myself until I feel you've recovered enough to stop blaming yourself for this. I'll help you get there." He nuzzles him, then sighs quietly. In the silence, he can hear the music from the party. "'Might Tell You Tonight' by Scissor Sisters. How ironic." Music truly is the language of feelings.

[vierafication]

Last night around 4 am, I reblogged a certain post about "villainous rp" and added my own two cents to what had been discussed within it- mostly just venting about behavior I'd seen in the past. I didn't think much of it until I saw the next day it had been reblogged, and reblogged again, and again, by some folks who seemed pretty unhappy about what I'd said. I was told I needed to get a life, that I clearly can't separate IC and OOC, that maybe I shouldn't be writing at all. That hurt. I was irritated, then, feeling like I'd had words shoved in my mouth, like I was being purposefully misinterpreted. I typed up a clarification post explaining my previous points and pressed send, but it was seemingly ignored.

I talked with @damankjol about it later. He's the best, if you didn't know. And he rp's villains! I don't think he's a sociopath! He's very empathic and honest and understanding and cool, and he helped me realize that people weren't just angry at me, they were genuinely hurt by what I'd written. I went back and reread what I posted, as well as the responses, with a more critical eye. And... yeah. What I typed up wasn't clean, organized, or coordinated. I was venting and the tone that came off was irritated and rude. While not my intention, what I wrote sounded pretty fucking disrespectful and downright mean. And, frankly, my intentions don't matter, anyway, since I wasn't able to convey them properly. I just put some angry bullshit up on tumblr way too late at night, and I didn't expect anybody to even look at it, let alone reblog it- but I should have. Tumblr is a public platform and I should have approached my post the same way I'd approach any other one during the normal hours of the day. Thinking critically is always key, but audience is too- a vent post is a vent post, but I should have thought before I vented about a topic other people were sensitive to, and properly indicate specifics instead of vague generalizations. So, yes, I really wanted to apologize to anyone who that post hurt. I’m genuinely sorry. I should not have generalized like that. It wasn't even my intention in the first place. I was disrespectful and now that I think about it, incredibly hypocritical to boot. So yeah. I really am sorry. I respect @damankjol and @miqojak a lot as writers, and it would never be my intention to tear them down. Or anybody else, for that matter- rp only works when you rp with others, after all.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I hope you won't hate me for eternity or anything. Storytime and critical analysis under the cut.

One of my first, and worst, experiences in the ffxiv rp community was a good couple years ago. I was describing my character to a “friend,” and that character happened to be Lionnet Blodoint, my Ishgardian chirurgeon. Lionnet was not a good person by a long shot, to begin with, and from his time serving during the Dragonsong War, he’d developed quite a bit of PTSD relating to any and all things draconic. He hated dragons. He didn’t even like Au Ra. “Wow,” said the so-called friend at the time. “Your character is a nazi.”

“What? No!” I exclaimed. I tried to explain that he was NOT a nazi, he was just a traditionalist Ishgardian who hated dragons because they had been, at one point in time, absolutely hell-bent on destroying his home and everything he knew. I thought it was a pretty reasonable character trait to hate, or at least fear, dragons after serving in the Dragonsong War. The core of how I’d planned to develop him would be overcoming or at least coming to terms with his trauma, and no longer seeing it in every dragon or Au Ra he met. “No,” they said. “Your character is terribly written. They’re awful and nobody would ever want to rp with them. They’re boring because they’re so full of negative traits. They’re racist and thus, a nazi. And you are just as bad, because you’re defending them! You’re a nazi too!”

So yeah, they are NOT my friend anymore. But that whole convo really stuck with me, and I was afraid to bring out Lio afterwards- it took me another year before I actually began to use him in rp. And he turned out wonderful! His story became one of my favorite rp character stories of all time, and he had great relationship development and a happy ending. He’s still around, canonically, but I have a different main toon now.

So it shocks me that what that person told me about Lio is more or less the same as what I wrote in that post. I’m honestly dumbfounded at how I could just casually type that up and post it, when it draws so many parallels to the way I was bullied back then. So yeah. Huge hypocrisy right there. I swore to never act like that. And to an extent, I suppose I have. But that post I made was pretty fucking close- just directed at a vaguely generalized audience instead of a singular person and character. Maybe that’s actually worse. And I am sorry. I guess because it wasn’t directed at anyone but the void (even the op’s url doesn’t exist anymore), I just didn’t think about it. Which sounds like a lame-ass excuse, but... it’s true. I just wasn’t thinking. I was just venting. It’s really fucking with me that I could’ve hurt somebody so much completely unintentionally, to be honest.

So, what did I say- or, to be more clear, what was I attempting to say? What was my intention, and what wasn’t? I’m going to go over that now, more for my benefit than anyone else’s. Please note that I am not trying to make excuses or shove any blame elsewhere. I am just trying to clarify what I meant and address the issues that made my post so negative, for my own sake.

To begin, I’m gonna link this post by @lilac-memorials. It goes into detail about the trouble with “villain” discourse, and addresses a number of issues from a much more unbiased standpoint, far more eloquently than I could. Also, it seems to reference (the worse) parts of my posts at some points, or maybe I’m just paranoid. Regardless, it’s a much better post than the trainwreck that was the original one, and I agree with every bit of it. It also addresses the difference between a “villain” and an “antagonist,” which is something I attempted to go into but failed miserably.

Anyhoo. My post began with this paragraph:

Seriously. I do not trust anyone who refers to themselves as a “villain” rper. A character can take an antagonistic role in another character’s story arc, that’s fine, that works. It goes back to the “everyone is the hero of their own story” sorta thing. But playing a villain, only as a villain… what’s the point in that? It’s just someone roleplaying as an evil asshole that expects to be treated as stronger than other characters, expects to be feared. It reads like some twisted power fantasy. It doesn’t sound fun and it sure isn’t fun for the people rping with you. Like dude, calm down.

To begin with, yes, I am indeed a little distrustful of people who label their characters first and foremost as villains, before anything else. I am more suspicious of engaging in rp with them than I am with other types of characters, because I have seen some pretty crappy villains out and about and I just don’t wanna deal with that. Next, I go on to try to draw the line between a villain and an antagonist, and how I am much less suspicious of “antagonistic” characters than straight-up “villain” characters. “But playing a villain, only as a villain... what’s the point in that?” I ask. Very rudely. Insinuating that their is no point whatsoever in playing a villain. Which I didn’t intend to. But honestly, I don’t know how else that would’ve translated- I don’t know what I was thinking. I go on to describe this “villain” as somebody who is an evil asshole with a power fantasy, and how it ruins fun for anybody. Which can be read very easily as saying “all villains are like this.” No, they are not! I was describing the bad type of villain rper. The rper who “plays a villain, only as a villain,” and not as a character. Do you get what I mean now? The controlling, toxic, power-hungry rper that plays a villain as an outlet to be further controlling, toxic, and power-hungry, moreso than they ever could in reality. We all know that type of person exists. We’ve met them, somewhere. Sometimes they aren’t playing the villain at all, anyway. They’re playing the hero, or somebody else entirely. But here, I am just venting about that type of person. They are what my post is about. The key line should’ve been “playing a villain, only as a villain,” but it was shoved into a passive-aggressive question addressing self-worth instead of a proper sentence describing the difference between a well-written villain and a badly-written villain. And thus the post begins as if it had been rudely addressed to all villain rpers everywhere, labeling them as the evil asshole with a power fantasy, instead.

Next is: Anyway hot take but maybe the reason people kept trying to “redeem” and “change” OP’s character is because their character is boring af!

Yeahhhh, that one’s just mean. And, given the first paragraph, easily able to seen as an attack saying that if you are a villain rper, your character is boring af. They’re not! The op’s post is a little much, to be honest, and I guess I thought I was feeling spicy at 4 am. Now I think I must’ve just been being mean. Aurelia explains what’s wrong with the initial post here, though, instead of trying and failing to poke fun at it in that special pseudo-mean tumblr way like I did.

Lastly, Like, honestly! Play a character as a foil to another, play to fucked up ideas about morality, play an antagonist arc to a protagonist character, play a character who makes bad decisions. But don’t play a “villain.” Don’t play a character whose core personality traits are simply being cruel/evil. Don’t play a character whose sole focus is to kill npcs, be scary, and lord over other players’ characters. Don’t play a character who never develops or changes, and doesn’t facilitate change in other characters. Just don’t be an asshole edgelord. Don’t be flat and one dimensional. Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead.

Honestly, I think this is the most clear part of my entire post, and also the worst, at the end there. I just am listing off behaviors that this figurative “bad villain rper” exhibits, and what offsets them. Play a villain that’s complex, had depth, nuance! I’m saying don’t play the “villain,” and then listing off what this specific hypothetical villain is. The opposite of deep and nuanced. The “bad villain rper” type the whole post is a vent about.

Then comes the dreaded “ Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead. “ The villainous power fantasy. No, I do not think everyone who rp’s villains is like this. Yes, I believe there are people like this, who are INCREDIBLY few and far between, and if they solely use rp as an outlet to harass others both ICly and OOCly, that is bad! And maybe they should get help! And even, then, that was only half-serious! But therapy is a serious subject and I should have known better, and done better. Did all of that come off as intended? Hell no! Instead, it was the final nail in the coffin.

So! That’s what I was trying to say. Badly-written villains are a pain. If I had written up a post like I am now, with this long-ass thing, actually trying to be eloquent and clear. Not 4 am word vomit. This 4 am word vomit instead has gotten me to be read and interpreted as:

-being completely unable to separate character and player to the point where i think every villain’s player is a Real Life Bad Person and/or needs mental help

-saying all villains are boring because they’re not heroes, and thus are incapable of being complex and nuanced

-saying people who play dark/antagonistic characters are, in general, living out their fucked up power fantasy through them

-thinking that villainous characters are incredibly boring and just plain terrible

No! None of that is what I think! Absolutely none! I’m not going to go in and refute each of those claims, because, like I said, I’m not trying to make excuses here. But I WILL end this thing with what I do think of villainous characters and their players:

They’re fucking great, okay? A good story is made a gazillion times better by having a good villain in it, be the story a book, a movie, or an rp scenario. Well-written villain rpers are a TREASURE, and need to be appreciated! It is often harder to find rp with antagonistic toons, to begin with, and their players may find themselves getting shit on more often than others, which should absolutely not be the case. Characters that are complex and deep and nuanced are great no matter what their alignment is.

There ARE some pretty shitty villain rpers out there, too. And, in my own personal experience, they tend to be much more obnoxious than shitty hero rpers. A badly written hero will ruin a villain’s rp. A badly written villain may well try to ruin everybody around them’s rp.

Badly written villains suck. They’re the worst. And they make things worse for those that dedicate a lot of time and effort to crafting complex and cleverly written, compelling villains! Badly written villains are something I can and will complain about, just as well-written villains are something that I can and will praise. But I’ll try not to complain or vent on this platform anymore, to start.

And I do NOT blend IC and OOC. That’s the rper’s taboo! I will critique others who do it, though, which ironically is what I was sort of trying to do- complain about those specific villain players who do that. But anyway. If you’ve read this far, good for you! This has been way too long.

And. Please. If I do say or do something that hurts you in the future, regardless of what type of post it is, talk to me! Tell me what’s up! Thank you!

[yaboylevi]

Hello there! I couldn't help but notice that salty anon asking about your stance on Levi so I'll ask again because it sure sounds interesting! Do you mind telling us how you feel about him?

Okay, so the original question from a dumb hater was how I could even support a romantic ship between Eren and Levi if I am not a Levi fan*.

*If a ”Levi fan”, like that idiotic anon meant, is someone who excuses all of Levi’s bad behaviors, then no, I am not a fan.

Premise no.1: I’ve loved Levi for so many years, he’s been part of my twitter handle in the past, is in my Tumblr url, icons on various social media, I have a lot of merchandise and not only for “the sake of the ship”. I genuinely used to love him to the point that he was my favorite character alongside Eren, I couldn’t pick one. So I guess I am a bit of a fan, after all.

Premise no.2: I am a gigantic bag of salt about this topic so tread carefully if you’re easily offended. I won’t sugarcoat my VERY BIASED opinions, and if you strongly disagree, that’s perfectly fine. I won’t change my opinion with the information we currently have, because this isn’t a gut reaction I spent two seconds on, I actually soul searched (lol) for the reasons as to why I felt so negatively about Levi. He was my fave, and I felt deeply hurt and confused and frustrated, so I thought long and hard about it. I am open to change my mind if anything else comes out of him in the future.

Also, I have already spent a lot of words on how I feel about Levi’s character as of late, here, here, and here, here, here and here for example, also here and here��(I haven’t exactly been silent about it lol) but let me reiterate it into one incomplete post. It’s really freaking long, and a wall of text at it. I don’t expect people to put up with this messy rant, but suit yourself if you want to.

@ the people who sent these new questions almost a month ago, I’m sorry this isn’t the reply you hoped for. If you guys want a more positive take on this, just look through my ereri meta tag.

Levi as a character can be simplified in 3 points, in my opinion: 1) the deep, caring feelings he has for his comrades and as such the responsibility he feels for them and their deaths; 2) his violent side and how he resorts to violence to solve situations. These 2 merge together into 3) what used to be his main goal, free humanity. He lent his strength (that at times he uses for violence/to get his way) to the cause: helping in freeing humanity inside the walls because the sense of freedom is worth everything.

So, harsh opinion: I believe he has lost sight of his goal – as Isayama has stated in the past even though I didn’t wanna believe it because it made zero sense and cheapened everything I loved about Levi – and he has fallen back into his worst behaviors. Add to that a lack of active presence and engagement in the actual story, and you get this predictable, background character that I can’t for the life of me enjoy currently. Because apparently, he forgot how to live on his own without Erwin’s guidance (and here I’d have another bag of salt to pour but this would get too long, and I don’t have the patience to word it in a way that wouldn’t bring me the ire of his fans).

I don’t know if Levi is really supposed to be seen this way, but at least to me, the focus has been mostly on this: his anger/violence/flaws, and his lack of involvement.

I never liked the way he resorted to violence to “resolve” not life-or-death situations or simply to vent his frustrations, in the first place. It’s something Eren had to let go of, he was rewarded when he used his wits, abandoning pure rage for the sake of revenge, and it’s always been Isayama’s intention, imo, to show as much with the story in general and with Levi as well, as Levi has never been rewarded for it either.

So, witnessing his character revert AGAIN to kicks and straight-up sadism, as a fan, has been a big disappointment. Then, the shift of his goal because “saving humanity” wasn’t Erwin’s goal, after all, has been another point of disappointment – but this happened way before the current arc. His obsession with “making the dead soldiers’ sacrifices worth it” can be commendable, but the way he’s going about it is totally blind and dictated by anger and loss of hope, in a way, so I don’t see it as something positive either. He lacks vision, he lacks a voice in the things that are happening around him as if he doesn’t care whatever happens to all of them, as long as he can make Zeke suffer and kill him. I know it’s not totally the case, because we have seen (and I want to believe) that he still cares about his comrades who are still alive, as seen during the battle in Liberio and his reticence at following direct orders to kill Eren, but at the same time, the obsession with “repaying the lives of the dead” is making him being absolutely heartless for the sake of his “hope” (like, I’m paraphrasing here but he literally went “let’s go to war again and let Historia become a shifter if she so wants to, who cares, more deaths, yay”), though he himself doesn’t seem to care about hope and freedom and all this stuff that much anymore, or he would’ve spoken up about the mess Paradis and Hange were throwing themselves into, like Eren did.

Another point of dissatisfaction is that it seemed to me like he was forming stronger bonds with the 104th and he was becoming better at voicing his opinions without becoming violent, but I guess he either regressed, or I always read him wrong. His violence in 114 was downright revolting to me, I felt nauseous and, in a way, I’m glad he got k.o’ed. It put a stop to his metaphorical downfall, at least — I see post-timeskip Levi as a cheapened, worsened, “hyperfocused-on-just-one-side-of-him” version of the Levi I used to love in earlier arcs and he was only getting worse, imo.

And, as a special mention re: his violence and his relationship with Eren… It was interesting to observe how he slowly changed in regards to Eren, learning how to lift him up and get the best out of and for him, caring about and paying attention to Eren’s emotional state when no one could or would. It was also very interesting how he opened up to Eren just because he wanted to help him, always, from the beginning. THAT’S what really made me fall for the ship and for Levi.

Also, he thought that violence wasn’t the answer with Eren, and I guess I can excuse him for his behavior in Shiganshina because it was a charged challenge of sort for every character. But he really did think that nobody could make Eren submit with violence, yet he’s the one who tried to do exactly that as soon as they met again in ch.105. I was so disappointed that their relationship seemed to have regressed so much, I kept being hopeful only because of his face/words after the kick: he felt betrayed and saddened by Eren, so it meant he still cared deeply about him. And yeah, he does, but the reasons are also partially…bad. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe he cares about Eren as a person, the boy he met and decided to protect all those years ago, but now saving Eren has become deeply intertwined with saving his last remaining goal: making it up to the dead soldiers (and I’ve already explained why I think it’s not a “positive” goal). And it’s unfair and a skewed view, imo, because Eren really didn’t have much to do with every single death. But I think it’s Levi being desperate about it all, he clings to it or he’d lose it if he had to, um, reconsider his current mindset. He’s like…grasping at straws, I feel. Like he was doing with Erwin when Erwin revealed his true colors. Levi ended up reconsidering his own ideals and goals, back then, but in a bad way (he had no goals of his own, he just blindly followed Erwin, who cares about humanity, right? Even though he seemed to care oh so much before).

I guess it’s the downfall of the “Hero”. @/Isayama, was this necessary? Is this entertaining? I am personally not a fan of this, there were so many ways to challenge Levi’s belief & trust in Eren, and to still have Levi be an active player. This just feels like a cheap way to get him out of the picture and turn him into a really secondary character. He doesn’t feel like a main player in this arc.

So long story short, I’m very disappointed in his development. I was willing to go along with it in the hopes that it would be leading us to something very interesting and it seemed it could go into a good direction as I stated here. But when he seemed to be confirmed basically dead (literally, or anyway when it comes to his importance in current events), I’ve kind of lost all hope in regards to his character, and I felt so done about it. He is either gonna stay this way, or there’s gonna be some small, cheap, background-ish closure (though atm I fail to see how, seeing as the story is about to end) and if that’s the case, I fail to comprehend the purpose of his arc, then. I don’t think his is an unreasonable development, I just fail to see how the direction Isayama has decided to “develop” him in has any relevance to the story and its themes, as he used to be a major player with some good-ass, relevant presence in the story. As I said in some posts I linked above, Isayama may have lost motivation to develop Levi any further and dropped it from the “main players” roaster, probably when he decided to change Levi’s motivations halfway through the story (because yes, the problems I have with Levi started towards the end of Uprising).

I used to be a great Levi fan, if my username and icon are anything to go by, and I still like him when I reread some parts as I stated elsewhere, because I really, really love when he interacts with the 104th or like, with his subordinates or even Hange. It’s fun to watch and even cute, when he’s not being a violent arsehole. So it’s really a shame that it’s come to this.

And yeah, I’m sure some people may have noticed already, but the ereri content on my blog has become quite scarce, S3 and the shitfest that went down there in regards to Eren&Levi parts also dampened my hype for the ship, my dissatisfaction with Levi’s character and the way his interactions (or lack thereof) with Eren went recently just pissed me off. But I loved this ship for like 5 years, I’m attached to it, and I am capable of separating the good parts of it from the bad ones (though it’s become increasingly difficult). And most importantly, I still love the way their canon relationship was developed up until before the serum bowl. Almost nothing has happened with them since then, so that’s why I was still really hyped for the next 2 years, but recently, and with Levi’s return, I’ve just grown more frustrated and bored with it.

After all, I fell in love with the romantic fanon ship BECAUSE the canon relationship was so interesting, had potential, and seemed to be going some incredibly cool directions, as both the characters seemed to be similar, had the same goals and understood each other on a basic level. It turned out to be almost nothing in the end, but alas.

So, how can I ship them if I don’t like one of them?

I still like Levi, especially when I reread the early arcs. This doesn’t mean I have to accept the worst sides of him that have apparently taken over his whole personality. His violence ISN’T a flaw I - or anyone, imo - should accept. Snoring IS a flaw we can/have to accept if we love someone. Violence is something that must be overcome. My annoyance with people implying they are better fans because they accept and embrace and excuse him and his violence, compared to those who don’t like that, is also a factor in my frustration. Understanding why exactly he’s the way he is is part of being a fan of a character, wishing for him to become a better person and ultimately letting go of toxic (yeah) acquired behaviors, imo, is better than defending and hyping them up. Some people even LOVE and WISH that violence will be his downfall because it’s violence for the sake of avenging [redacted] so it’s sooo romantic. lmao, ok. And I won't even get started about the ones who SERIOUSLY say that adult characters don't need to change, because I'm gonna start laughing for 3 hours straight. Dudes, there's not an age where you stop changing. If you stop trying bettering yourself at age XX, then I already know you're a shitty adult irl, goodbye.

Anyways, back on track. As I said in another post I may have linked above, I thought his encounter and resolution with Kenny would have amounted to something in this regards, since Levi used violence to get acknowledgment and to feel like he was “worth” something, imo, but it was only a set up for serumbowl. Wasted chance.

And I get it that violence is the way he was taught to deal with things, but 20 years have passed since then and he had a whole character arc in Uprising about opening up, trusting, feeling trusted in return, and feeling good and grateful and happy about that BECAUSE he was open with his squad and learned that it was better to use words rather than fists. So I thought he had grown out of it at least a bit. But I mean, there are other characters who have regressed or haven’t changed at all after their supposed character arc, and that dampened to a great degree the enjoyment of such characters for me (Historia, Ymir, Reiner), so whatever I guess? I can definitely see it’s something of a “cruel” way of storytelling Isayama really seems to like, maybe because he wants the characters to suffer. I guess you can’t have a story if all of your characters become better people and overcome their flaws…well, actually you can, but I guess Isayama doesn’t want this to be that kind of story.

But anyway, just to be clear, it also ties in with wanting the characters you love to better themselves and let go of things that ruin their lives or that have roots in trauma. Wouldn’t you want that for someone you love, even and especially in real life? So, if his violent tendencies have been portrayed as “wrong”, Bad Coping Mechanisms, and rooted in childhood trauma, why is it so frowned upon in this goddamn fandom to wish for him to let go of them, since it’s something that has caused him and characters around him pain or distress or downright failure. Overcoming these flaws would mean he’d feel better about himself, and others, and his past, etc. Why is it SO wrong to wish him the best? Lmao, I don’t get it.

So when his “real fans” be like “Levi’s violence is a part of him, you don’t love him for real if you can’t accept that part. anyway he’s perfect the way he is”, I’m like…that’s actually bullshit. I just want him to be a better person, just like I wanted to be a better person when I had detrimental (for me and for the people close to me) behaviors due to mental health stuff.

It’s not even on the same level of wanting him to stop being rude, that’s part of his charm. Violence…is not a cool personality trait, and it’s something you should want him to get over.

–

I still love lots of things that were shown in the manga in regards to Eren and Levi, so I don’t get why I should justify myself for liking them together just because I don’t like some parts of one of them. I still think some of Levi’s best personality traits came out when he interacted with Eren, and I like the Levi who cares about Eren the most. Hence why I ship the goddamn ship. That’s all there is to it, really. Here I talked about what I loved about their relationship, though now I feel like a bit of a hopeful fool.

[cs-discourse]

since ghost wants a defending post i will also make one

hi! as yall seem to commonly know me since it was my user before i changed it, im star child. im that overgrown cow that's smearing names and causing drama whats up

i would be a mature adult and DM you ghost but honestly i know you'd probably just spend ages trying to defend yourself fruitlessly and also i have you blocked so whatever 

here's the screenshots i have available (sent to me by very kind users in the chat who felt i should know what was being said after i left) and my comments to go along with it

some background: this discussion was happening in a channel called 'real-images'. a place where you would not expect a conversation about docking to be taking place.

i clicked into this channel to see what was happening and as you know, with discord, it automatically puts you on the oldest unread message when you click into that chat. i was greeted by conversations about cropping and docking - choke chains may have been mentioned, im unsure, because as soon as i saw the conversation i began to feel sick and so clicked out without skimming through the convo.

i went into 'questions' and asked if they had a way of requesting certain topics to be tagged and that's pretty much where this begins.

first i'd like to say 'don't enter the channel' hey ghost, how was i supposed to know that clicking into a channel to share pictures would lead to me walking into a conversation about my trigger? are you really going to blame me for that, huh?

second, this was me literally asking slash 'speaking up' about the topic. why was there any need to get this passive aggressive over it? i put in a request. you could have said yes. you could have said no. you could have said 'sorry we can't blacklist it but we'll try to ask people to spoil it or put a warning'. instead you told me to 'go off' and put :) which yeah we all know what that emoji means you weren't being friendly or subtle

we all know neons a big advocate for choke chains and shock collars as well as whole host of other mistreating animals. i'll make a second submission on that if people care but neons animal care? whack. bro i hope you grow up and learn to look after your pets.

anyway, mods please tell me why neon was allowed to get involved and say 'they just let their opinions get the better of them and speak out of turn' to be greeted with agreements and being told it was fine when it really wasn't fine.

Spooky Rabbit, i dont know who you are but you're cool. you made me a little less upset but it was a little too late bud

it's really nice how this convenient controversial chat only popped up after i started talking about the way i was treated in another chat huh. a whole half hour later when i'd already posted screenshots and vented and let people know what happened. love the damage control here

anyway

'speak up' once again yeah i did that and look where it got us all, Joke

something said to me outside of cottontails but this is in retaliation to the 'why didnt you speak up earlier' other than the simple fact i wasnt there lol. neon always likes to talk about these nasty little dog topics. if i'd butted into a convo i hadnt been a part of previously and said 'can we not discuss this?' i'd love to bet a whole 25$ that ghost would've told me to just mute the channel, or neon would've ignored me or told me to "just not argue uwu". either way y'all were going to get angry at me for my trigger. 

'don't want to butt in with my opinion but-' neon all you ever literally do is butt into conversations its practically your only personality trait other than mistreating ur animals lol. 'made things difficult' 'i'm vocal about my opinions' and then telling me to shut up about mine? okay if you say so.

Adam, 'we can't blacklist every topic users find uncomfortable' I'd like to point out again that a literal trigger is something very different to being uncomfortable! and on top of that it wasn't like i was asking you to trigger tag mentions of a popular character, or a food, or a language, or a colour. i was asking you to trigger tag a very controversial conversation centered around cropping, docking, and choke chains. an extremely heavy topic. not a minor inconvenience.

cool cool yall were making fun of ppl with triggers. nice

from a PM from cinna after i PM'd her about transfering my rabbit out of species - no cinna, they weren't blunt, they were just mean. simple as.

ik ppl dont wanna read text walls so this is mostly at ghost who claims im a harrasser and an abuser because i dont like neon using choke chains and shock collars

oh!! also conviently gonna add that "come for our side of the story" - you know one of your staff did that right? they went to a species owner of a species im involved in and tried to get me banned for causing drama? but didnt give any information or screenshots, and i had to provide them all to the owner to make sure the whole story was out? convenient how you just forget screenshots when they make you look bad.

this is long so

tl;dr ghost was p nasty abt the convo. they made fun of people being sensitive. they told me my trigger was a minor inconvenience and not important enough to tag. they only added a controversial topic after i kicked off because they didnt want their asses in trouble. neon got involved and isnt even staff so idk why they did.

anyway that's the news from your local drama queen, im gonna go chew on some grass now moo moo bitch

[god-hunter]

Adjusting to Singledom

It’s about time for an update on my Single Situation, if that’s what we’re calling it.  I’ve been meaning to clarify some things since unofficially starting these rants back in 2018 anyway.  It might be short, it might be long.  So let’s run through it and see.  I’m gonna be talking about 6 girls that I’m talking to, so pay attention and keep up.  This rant is going to be interesting.

First of all, the Work Crush that I had brought up originally back in 2018 is NOT Dancing Girl.  Nono, Work Crush, or Original Crush was a 28 year old Barbie lookin’ Office Hottie that had so much bubbly energy about her, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I never resolved that story, btw.  After we became Friends on Facebook, she was that type of person that didn’t really message much.  Eventually group hang outs happened and she met my Then-Girlfriend.  And the two got along so well that we just became Couple Friends.

Post break up, she had reached out to me.  I’m going to refer to her as Twin, because that is what she used to refer to me as at work, affectionately.  First of all, Twin & her boyfriend were supposed to come over for dinner, but it didn’t work out.  It’s just as well, because my Ex and I got into a fight while fixing up the apartment before they had cancelled.  Then we broke up.   So with this bizarre scenario, Twin had still wanted to see me.  I’ll be 3rd Wheeling it and checking out their new apartment instead [which is not so new at this point.]. That plan has never surfaced as of yet, due to general busyness, but now Covid-19 is affecting our plans. Since time is moving on, by the time this outbreak calms down I’ll probably be settled into my own place.  And she is very much looking forward to visiting me with her guy one day, but I’m not holding my breath.

I mention Twin, because she’s a former crush that won’t go away.  I’m not trying to do anything, obviously. She has a great boyfriend who likes me a lot.  But she’s definitely a significant girl in my life, and I would be very happy to hang with her (and him) more in the future.

Speaking of couples, I’m going to refer to my Beautiful Friendship as the Significant Couple.  They are certainly a collective and I still like talking to them a lot.  I won’t deny that I’ve been hoping to be intimate again since that one awesome night, but the differing schedules make that very difficult.  Still, one thing worth noting is that I’ve spoken to both parties about the idea of... not hanging up the phone when They want to get intimate, and neither are opposed to it.  So for the moment, I’ll just leave it at that =).  I respect these 2 immensely for being so open to their experiences.

But now it’s time to add some new names to this mix.  This was the purpose of this entry.  Let’s talk about Bakery Girl.  This too, is a former co-worker and friend of Twin.  I call her Bakery Girl because she literally left our job to work in a new office for better pay, but hated it so much that she ended up quitting and working at her favorite Bakery that she’s now a Manager of.  So, that seemed to work out for her, for now. Well, this is a person that was always pleasant at work.  She was always nice, and nice on the eyes lol.  We always got along, but didn't really interact or ever flirt.  Still... Facebook can be a real beautiful thing.

Before she had left our job, she had mentioned that she wanted to get drinks with me.  (Not just me, but a bunch of us from work.). Of course I said yeah as this was just a friend thing.  ...It never happened.  Instead Dancing Girl came out and.. that crush began, I guess.

But anyway...  Since the Breakup I opened up to a bunch of people.  And I suppose it was week 3 or so, that I had told her about it on FB.  I’m not quite sure when we first spoke about my new situation, but I do remember being in my old bedroom and not feeling miserable, because she was so fun to talk to.  I wasn’t moping about my last chapter, but merely informing her as we caught up.  And then as we talked, the energy felt borderline flirty, or sort of like this friendly vetting process.  What I mean by that is we’ll tell each other stuff, and see how the other feels about the topics.  Most we agree on.  Some we definitely differ on.  But respect is there. Anyway, more-to-the-point.  After a couple of failed attempts at talking on Facebook, I tried one more time last night and got another good conversation with her.  And this time, I was able to bring it over to the phone.  I got her number!  So who knows if it’ll go anywhere, but for now I’ll take that victory. This girl’s definitely a good person, and even if it’s a long-term developing thing she is someone definitely worth keeping in touch with.  It really helps that she’s 28 and not 21.  Or as she refers to Dancing Girl... she’s not 12, lol.  [Yes, she knows Dancing Girl too from work, but she has no idea that I was into her.  I plan to keep it that way.]

Speaking of Dancing Girl, her and Dante are fucking annoying, yo.  We barely talk at breaks now, because I’m not trying.  Instead Dante’s either being an idiot or just cooing at her, and the two of them are just obnoxious with each other in my space.  But I’m learning to put it in its place.  Literally everything is changing.  Breaks now seem to get split up between us all chilling and talking, then the two of them splitting off to smoke weed, while my other dude in his 40′s goes and smokes a cig by himself.  Today I took it upon myself to make it my new normal to join him when he smokes that cig.  Since no one else really talks to each other any more...  We just literally hang around each other while everyone’s on their phones.  It sickens me.  But I guess that’s what happens when Millenials see each other every day...  [And no, I don’t smoke, but I’ve always gone outside for the fresh air and good company.  Now that company ain’t so good any more, but they’re still my friends.]

There’s another former co-worker I hit up, but nothing to really report yet.  I don’t have a codename for her yet, but I asked if she’d like to catch up over dinner and she said, yes.  But after the Coronavirus passes, if that’s okay.  I told her it was, and instead we caught up on Facebook for an hour or so.  For now I’ll call her the Social Distancer... =P

And lastly, I’m going to bring up Gamer Girl.  This one’s a slippery slope, but it’s very important to talk about now, because I do not know what is going to happen next.  She is my Ex’s friend, but ever since we dated, she was always into both of us.  Like, she literally would’ve swung with us if my Ex was into that.  I’ll never forget, she was like, “Wow. You two are hot.”   She’s been referred to as a Unicorn, because she loves getting into sexual situations, but she has no romantic attachment to any of it.  And this is why I’m bringing her up. Again, it was about 3 weeks after the break up.  The Ex and I had gotten into a fight post-break up, which propelled me to really want to leave.  And at the worst time, she messaged me starting with, “I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable...”  And then she proceeded to talk about how she was lonely and not good at making friends and needs an area friend to hang out with.  She brought up a past divorce and that she doesn’t want anything romantic, but she wants to play video games and have pizza with me.  She opened it up as a night where I could vent to her and just have fun.

Against my better judgement, I said yeah.  Plans weren’t made until this week.  Literally tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing what this actually is.  Now, on paper, it might simply be pizza and video games.  But we’ve talked a little since then.  In the first place, she was flirty and brought up her whole schedule for the week.  Then she said, “On this day I’m off and have no plans other than to have no pants on.”  Something like that.  Now, why would she say something like that to me, if not to get a rise out of me...? Then I gagued it a little further when we made the plan.  She brought up that Free Pizza is best pizza and I told her, “No way. I’ll happily pay my share,”  then she explained to me that she has so many points that it’ll be a completely free pizza.  So instead I offered to supply the drinks and asked what she likes. “Rum and Coke is my poison of choice,”  o.o. “Rum and Coke it is!!”

So we’re drinkin’ now...

I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m trying not to make it weird. But knowing that this girl didn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but she's been lonely since her divorce and wants to hang out, but doesn’t want anything romantic...  and knowing that she’s the type of person to screw without attachment...  and then she’s telling me that she wants to drink, now...

I mean, how can I not get a little excited!?  Also, we’re playing Fallout Vegas, so that’ll probably be very fun. Right now my plan is to expect nothing, but be prepared for it to get weird.  The Ex will inevitably be brought up, along with any venting that goes along with it.

I don’t expect to win her over that way, and I’m not exactly trying to do that anyway.  But who knows how she gets?  Maybe she’s just casual as fuck and she’ll want to cuddle??  For comfort??  I have no idea.

But as a Single Dude, I am fucking Game.  This is my new Revolution, man.  I don’t care.  Between the randomness of this hang out, Bakery Girl practically interviewing me about the Ex - asking if I’m over her and then giving me her number, and the Social Distancer being interested in dinner, I’m feeling Really Confident right now.  Not to mention that the Significant Couple is chill as fuck and I always like talking to them.

Things are interesting now...  Things are definitely different.  My New Normal isn’t here yet.  But I’m adjusting all the same.

[biopsychs]

Do you have any tips for learning on your own? I have a professor who is TERRIBLE, so I basically have to figure everything out myself, and I’m stressed lol

First of all, sorry for the late reply I was away for a few days and I wanted time to write a proper, helpful response :)

I definitely feel your pain. I had a horrible prof for introductory microbiology (and I love microbiology so much), so bad that his highest rated review on rate my prof simply says “run” . Buuut I made it through the class with a lot of self-learning and ended up with a decent mark!

Use any resources available to you at your university.

My TA for my microbiology lab was able to clarify some concepts for me (even concepts we only covered in lecture) and recommended some youtube channels that she used for understanding microbiology when she was an undergrad. 

Also, my uni has a math and science centre where students can go for tutoring and some course unions (e.g. chemistry course union) have upper year students hold office hours. Check and see if there are similar resources available to you!

Go to office hours and talk to your prof!

If they’re skipping from topic to topic in class or brushing over complicated concepts, ask them for clarification/help and try to give them constructive feedback (some profs are ridiculously oblivious and may not know they’re not allotting enough time for certain concepts). Try this even if your prof seems unapproachable – my microbiology prof was unnecessarily rude to students in class but apparently in office hours he was like a different person and was great at explaining concepts to students one-on-one.

Talk to students who have taken the class with that prof before.

If they’re really nice they may have old study materials they can lend to you. At the very least they’ll be able to tell you how they approached the class (and if their approach actually worked), outside resources they used for studying, how the prof tests, etc.

Use your time efficiently

I rarely ever skip class (maybe only a few times a semester, including any days I’m sick) but I ended up only going to maybe one microbiology lecture a week. This worked because my prof posted all of his powerpoint slides online. His lectures were a waste of my time because he would only read directly off the slides and he would go through ~100 slides all filled with writing during our 90 minute lecture. Even though I wasn’t going to lectures I would get up in the morning and study microbiology for at least the entire time I was supposed to be in lecture (basically just don’t treat a skipped class like free time, treat it like study time).

On the other hand, I attended every lecture and did quite well in my evolution and ecology class, whereas most people I knew skipped class because they found the subject boring and blamed the profs for their poor mark. Trust me I did not find the class too interesting either but going to class, putting in the extra effort to pay attention, and typing detailed notes with examples was worth it. Not going to class and taking textbook notes would have taken way more time and even then I couldn’t be sure that I had notes on everything we covered. If you find a class boring, sit in the front so you have to pay attention to the prof and sit with people who aren’t going to distract you.

^^So that’s two examples of when going to class is helpful or not helpful. I don’t know your specific situation so just do what you think will work best. When in doubt go to class (you can study on your own later). If you don’t go to class there’s no way to remedy that.

Make sure you prioritize! For some classes, the midterms and final are weighed so heavily compared to assignments that it’s better to put minimal effort into assignments and put more time towards studying (this also depends on the nature of your assignments – if the assignments help you understand lecture material then put the time in; if they don’t just get them done well but quickly). But if you have a class where a lab or term paper is worth a significant amount of your mark, put the time into that because it will help you boost your mark.

In terms of learning on your own,

Use your textbook and other resources

Before class, skim the chapter to get a sense of what you’ll be learning, get familiar with any vocab words, and review any concepts mentioned that you have learned in past classes. After class, take detailed textbook notes to supplement what you learned in lecture and draw out any important diagrams.

Alternatively, take detailed textbook notes before class and annotate them in lectures (highlight emphasized concepts, add anything new your prof mentions, star anything you still don’t understand). Whatever you end up doing, try to have a full set of notes within a day or two of class (you don’t want to just be adding info from the textbook to your notes a week later when the content is not fresh in your mind).

Also if your prof is all over the place and you’re not sure how to organize everything, use the textbook headings as a guide. The nice thing about textbooks is that they’re already organized in a logical way.

If your textbook is not written well or just makes things more confusing, you can always try to find another textbook for the subject. You can buy it or see if you can access it through your university! My uni’s library website allows me to access research journals and studies but I can also access some online textbooks that are normally hidden behind a paywall.

Use Quizlet! Quizlet is a website/app where you can make and study flashcards. Make your own or see if students in your class/past students have made flashcards. Also try searching for your textbook because a lot of universities will use the same textbook so students from other schools may have made flashcards sets as well.

In terms of resources available online, it really depends what you’re studying for (feel free to send me another message about what you’re studying for and there’s a chance I may know of some specific resources). Khan Academy and Crash Course cover a lot of subjects in their videos.

Record lectures

In my experience, a lot of bad profs simply go through content too quickly or test on things they’ve only mentioned once in lectures. If you can, record lectures so you can listen to them after class and add any info you might have missed.

Take good notes

This is kind of a given but I still find myself surprised sometimes when I see how disorganized other people’s notes are. This doesn’t mean your notes have to be pretty (although they can be), they just have to be functional. For me this means a typed study guide for each chapter that includes material from lectures and the textbook. I bold important/unfamiliar words and use one or two colours to emphasize certain things (if you type your notes you can do this on your computer or highlight a printed copy of your notes after). I bold and highlight anything my profs mention in class about tests (things like “this would be a good question for the final” or write down their answer if someone asks them how a concept will be tested [i.e. multiple choice, written answer]). Also make sure you include examples for concepts – if an example didn’t make sense in class, figure it out and write it down in detail. Organize your notes for each chapter in the same way (e.g. don’t change around colours or heading styles). Studying for finals is so much easier when you don’t have to worry about reading miscellaneous textbook sections to understand a concept

Form a study group

Chances are if you’re having trouble with the class/prof other people are too. Form a study group with people from your class and try to meet once or twice a week (I also want to add that it usually works best to only have a few people in a study group; too many people and you’ll all get distracted). Study a bit on your own before so that you have the basics/easy parts down and then work through understanding more difficult concepts with your study group. Go through your notes and any practice questions together, draw diagrams out on a whiteboard, and just be there for each other.

Also make sure your study group consists of people who won’t bring you down. Some people just want to constantly complain about something and this may only increase your negative feelings towards the class and therefore towards studying.. Yeah the class might suck and you can vent about it sometimes, just make sure this isn’t hindering your learning and studying.

Even if you can’t form a daily study group, try to study with friends before a midterm or have a group chat where you can all ask each other questions.

Don’t study last minute – make sure you have a solid understanding of new material learned each week

If you know your class is going to be difficult, don’t let yourself get behind! By the end of every week (or weekend) you should have thoroughly studied all the new material covered in lectures that week. Sometimes a class seem more difficult than it truly is if you’re trying to learn new material without understanding the old material (also review old content throughout the semester b/c it’ll help you remember content much better when it comes to studying for finals).

Anyways I hope that was helpful! If you have any more questions please let me know :)

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Alex

Today I have the delight of introducing Alex, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @arotaro and @mutant-jojos!

Alex is a bisexual, half-Puerto Rican multi-disciplinary aromantic artist and creative with severe ADHD. You’ll find her prolific fanworks on AO3 as EmeraldTrash666, writing primarily for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fandom. Her bold, colourful art for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hetalia, Pokemon and Vocaloid fandoms is also available on Redbubble under the name StellaHagane.

She writes, she creates digital art and she dabbles in music, sewing and fashion design, single-handedly proving that there’s no such thing as too much creative awesome for any one aromantic!

With us Alex talks about finding the word aro, the power of fandom and creative fanworks, her love of aro Jotaro, the challenges of creating with ADHD, the struggles of being an aro gen writer in fandom and the importance of expressing our aro headcanons. Everything she says is absolutely on point, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I guess in some ways my “story” starts out pretty typical. Got older, kept waiting for my First Crush™, never got it, started worrying and trying to force myself to develop crushes. I actually was in a relationship with another girl on a forum I was part of as a teenager, but eventually I realized that I didn’t really like her romantically, and the relationship started to become really unpleasant for me. I eventually felt so miserable that I didn’t even want to talk at her at all, even though we were close friends, but I didn’t want to break up with her - partly because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, partly because we were everyone’s “OTP” and I didn’t want my friends to hate me for ruining that. But eventually I did break up with her, and I’m happy to say she took it with grace and we’re still close friends today! (She’s ace and a great writer/artist herself, too!)

I was part of a very nice LGBTQ+ group as a teenager, but I could never figure out my identity. I felt really ashamed and alone. Whenever I brought up how messed up I felt because I’d never had a crush on anyone, everyone was like, “Oh, sounds like you must be asexual!”, but I knew I wasn’t, and that was the worst part. Even though I knew aromanticism was a thing, nobody ever talked about it. It was only ever in the context of aroaces, so I didn’t know I was aro. I thought I must have had some sort of mental illness or something, but certainly not a legitimate orientation, nothing to be proud of like everyone else.

During that time, I found myself connecting on a deep emotional level to characters like Alphonse Elric, Fujiwara no Sai, the X-Men in general (although I’ve been an X-Men fan since I was literally a baby), basically anyone who was somehow “different” from the rest of humanity, even though I never understood why, since I was a fairly privileged kid who had never experienced much bullying or anything. Weirdly enough, it was Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure that helped me realize I was aro and come to terms with it; I saw an interview with Hirohiko Araki, the author of JJBA, where he was asked what type of girls Jotaro Kujo likes, and replied that he didn’t think Jotaro liked girls. The obvious interpretation would be that Jotaro’s gay, but somehow, one way or another, I decided to go with the idea that Jotaro’s aromantic. Jotaro also happened to be a character I really related to for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate, so around the time I was 18 I put two and two together and was like ... oh shit…

Please click keep reading to continue Alex’s story!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I’ve always been weird in the way I’m very creative, but tend to kinda bounce around from hobby to hobby. Other people draw, or write, or sing, while I draw for a month, and then write for a month and sew for a week and play video games for a week, and then I draw some more, and then I try out something completely new, and then I write again. I think it must be an ADHD thing, idk. In any case, I’ve just always been really passionate about making stuff, whatever that stuff happens to be.

I’ve also always been very much fandom-oriented. Ever since I was a toddler, I used to dictate fanfiction to my mom (back then it usually involved Winnie the Pooh, the Powerpuff Girls, Godzilla, and my dog). I mostly draw fanart. I find that I’m not really capable of writing original stories, but I’m great at getting fanfics in character, and I love writing them. I love taking stories I already love and reinterpreting them, seeing what it would be like if the characters were put into different situations, etc.

Because of my ADHD, I really struggle with actually finishing things. I try really really hard, I really do, and I’ve been trying to push myself even harder these past few years. I’ve made progress, but it’s still extremely difficult, so I’m very sorry for all the projects I’ve abandoned over the years. Sorry I still haven’t finished the fic that was supposed to be done in early March. I’m trying, really. I promise I’m working on the next chapter of BLaD, too.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Of course, pretty much everything I write is gen. Even if I include romantic relationships in my fics, I never write about romance, just stories which also happen to include some characters who might be dating someone. And obviously I always write Jotaro as aro! That’s really important to me. No matter which AU I’m writing, he’s always aro. (And autistic, but that’s off topic.)

I’m also not really into shipping because of my romance repulsion, but I ship Joseph Joestar and Caesar Zeppeli. The thing is … I’ve always viewed it as a unique relationship, sort of difficult to define as being strictly romantic or platonic or sexual, just kind of their own thing that defies words. That’s how I’ve always written it. I had the sudden realization recently that this strange view on the only ship I really actually like (at the moment, anyway) is probably due to my being aro, lmao.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

People don’t read gen fics, and people aren’t interested in aro stories. That’s just the way it is. I do have some dedicated readers, whom I love deeply, but in general… I could post something with a deep plot, something funny and dramatic and witty and touching, something I poured my heart and soul into for months, and it’ll get very few hits/comments/kudos, while someone else could post the same generic 2,000-word romance fic everyone’s seen a dozen times over, with no editing or anything, and get twice the amount of traffic my fics do in half the time. It’s really crushing.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

I dunno… The aro community feels so small. Online, I have a small circle of aro mutuals who all kind of vent collectively, and I’m part of Arocalypse and a few aro/aspec Discord servers, but I still feel like there isn’t really much of a larger community to be part of in the same way that there is for other orientations. Offline, I’ve never met another aro, or even anyone who actually knows what aromanticism is prior to me explaining it to them.

I also don’t feel like there’s a very unified “aspec community”. As an allo aro, I feel very rejected by the ace community - not to say that I feel like I should be part of the ace community, since I’m not ace, but I feel like they throw aros under the bus a lot. I mean, we’ve all seen the “asexuals can feel love, just like anybody else! … oh, except for aroaces, I guess. But the rest of us are normal, so you should accept us!” rhetoric. Both within and outside the aspec communities, aros are rarely treated with the same priority as aces, even though we’re arguably in a much more difficult position than your average allo ace.

That being said, I’m glad there is an aro community at all. I don’t know where I’d be now if I were still questioning. Probably not in a very good place.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

As I mentioned, there’s a general lack of interest in gen fics or sympathy for romance-repulsed people in general. It’s really difficult being romance repulsed in fandom spaces, because nobody cares about anything other than ships. There are very few gen fics, and even less that are a decent length, not abandoned, or cater to my specific interests, so I have to write my own. I don’t often have anything good to read; most of the big fics, the ones with cool plots and long word counts and ongoing updates, are ship fics. If I’m lucky, maybe two gen fics will be posted in one week, and maybe one of them will be longer than a few thousand words. Maybe one might even have my favorite characters. But usually genfics are few and far between, and kind of random in terms of what you’ll get. Sometimes I get so bored that I read ship fics anyway, and then I always wind up feeling really awful afterwards.

I’ve written, over the course of the past two years alone, over 20 gen fics. But whenever I vent that sometimes I’d like to actually get to read something, I always get someone telling me, “Well if you want gen fics, write some yourself! You have to make the change! You can’t demand people write stuff for you!” And of course, at the same time it’s totally acceptable to request ship fics from your favorite author, and if you complain that there aren’t enough fics for your rarepair, it’s seen as relatable and totally valid.

Fandom is just … really, really amatonormative, tbh. I hate it. I’m trying to make a difference (I did organize Gen Jojo Week along with my friend Rachel last year, and hopefully will again this year), but there’s only so much I can do.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

Aside from reblogging my art and promoting my fics? Talk about stuff. Talk about aro stuff in fandom. Seriously! I know it seems obvious that aro people would like aro headcanons and gen fics and all that, but we need to talk about them more. Nobody outside the community gives enough of a shit about us to have aro headcanons, so let’s get them popular. Talk about your favorite aro headcanons. Talk about your favorite gen fics. Talk about how such-and-such character is totally aro; talk about how excited you are to see aro characters in fics. My dream is for aro headcanons to become just as common and popular as any other type of headcanon.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

This is old news to most of the people who already know me, but my current big project that I’ve been working on for several years now is Between Life and Death, a drama/horror/supernatural JJBA fic.

(WARNING: PHANTOM BLOOD AND STARDUST CRUSADERS SPOILERS BELOW.)

The plot of the fic is that Dio wins at the end of Stardust Crusaders, and after realizing that he has no hobbies other than harassing the Joestars, he decides to bring Jonathan back by sticking his head (which… we’ll just assume Dio preserved for plot purposes) onto Jotaro’s body. Obviously, Jonathan is NOT happy with this arrangement, but it also turns out that Jotaro’s still alive, just not in control of his body. He can still use his stand, so he essentially uses Star Platinum as a sort of proxy for interacting with the environment around him, even though he only comes out when Jonathan’s alone since he doesn’t want Dio to know he’s alive.

Basically, it’s the story of a depressed vampire and a traumatized ghost. It’s a very introspective fic; most of the story consists of conflicts between Dio and Jonathan, and Jonathan and Jotaro struggling to come to terms with their new existences - Jonathan being unable to reconcile vampirism with his personal morals, and Jotaro having one hell of an identity crisis while also mourning the deaths of his friends and family. The plot is picking up, though, and there is an end goal in mind, as well as an eventual sequel!

As for where the story-in-progress is at right now … well, the next “stage” of the plot is hamon training for Kakyoin and Avdol, which will be fun. This chapter also includes several dream sequences, including an extended appearance by Mary Joestar (Jonathan’s mom), and a very serious and dark scene which I almost ruined by having dream!Will Zeppeli refer to Jonathan as his padawan. Yeah.

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

As mentioned, I’m working on chapter 9 of Between Life and Death! And working on and off on some stuff for the mutants AU. Most recently, on a whim I rewrote the lyrics to Handbeat Clocktower by MOTHY to be about Jonathan Joestar. Somehow this went far enough that I’m making an actual UTAU rendition of this “parody”, and hopefully it’ll be done sometime in the next few weeks. I’m really having fun with it and I hope people like it!

[aggressivetapdancing]

Matchmaker

Fandom: Stranger Things

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Reader

Requested: @partylikeits1899

“Okay okay okay so I saw your post about writing for other fandoms and I have a Steve request (from Stranger things) okay so like Steve has a crush on the reader and the reader has a crush on Steve and they’re too shy to admit it so Dustin and/or Jonathan tries to set them up and stuff and yeah I just love my boy”

A/N:  This is my first time writing anything stranger things so i really hope i did this right and it’s not complete shit + I love my boi too and I loved writing this!! I’m not dead and i have risen from my seemingly eternal slumber of writer’s block!! Wow!! + Steve isn’t dating Nancy (and never did) in this fic just a heads up

A/A/N: This is season 2 Steve btw (If you haven’t watched season 2 yet then there might be some spoilers alright?) Alright let’s go.

Warnings: Swearing??

Words: 2432

“Do you wanna kill a monster with us?”

Steve Harrington was at your doorstep, iconic baseball bat in hand, asking you to go monster hunting.

Totally Normal.

“Are you kidding me?” Was your first response. Ever since you wound up at the Byers place on that fateful night of the demogorgon, you haven’t been able to go outside alone since. The way the lights flickered still sent you goosebumps, and the thought of seeing another monster didn’t make you think twice about your answer: No

Steve just pouted at you, in attempt of trying to persuade you to go with him and- Dustin, who appeared to be waiting in his car.

“C’mon Y/N, monster hunting is fun!” The brunette pushed, waving his nail-spiked bat slowly, inches from your face. You shook your head No again, only to be frowned at before getting dragged into his car.

“Steve! No!” You protested, giggling as he tickled you while attempting to carry you with his free arm into the back seat. He smirked, amused at how squirmish you were, then dropped his bat and targeted at your sides. Steve laughed at how you tried to dodge his incoming fingers; Smile, ever growing on your face; the corners of your eyes, crinkling with joy.

Steve would never admit it, but his heart had been pining for you for quite a while now. There was something about you that made him feel different. It was sometimes warm and fuzzy- like now; and sometimes it’d be hot, heavy and burning. He wouldn’t normally get these feelings when he went out with girls like Becky- or Amy. Something about you made you different from all the other girls- the only problem was, Steve couldn’t exactly pinpoint what.

Now, you had a crush on the brunette as well. He had quite the reputation and Hawkin’s High and you knew all about it. But you saw kindness in him no one has seen before. The way he’d stood up for Nancy when his so called “friends” mocked her- or the way he helped clean up the graffiti they left on the theater- To you, Steve Harrington was more that just a jock with good hair. Steve Harrington had a heart. Something you thought was impossible until he started hanging out with you.

You were now on your knees, curled up in a ball of defense as Steve’s fingers attacked your sides.

“Steve! Ah! Stop! I-can’t breathe!” You say between fits of laughter. The boy only addresses you with a smirk before going “Only if you come monster hunting!”

You nodded quickly, sighing in relief as his hands backed away, looking up to see him looking down at you with a smug smirk on his face.

“Wipe that smirk off before I whack it off your face, Harrington.”

The brunette only brought his face daringly closer to yours, smirk still evident on his face.

“Make me.” He taunted.

You raised an eyebrow, opening your mouth for a comeback before Dustin honked the car horn and eyed you two with a look of unamusement.

“Stop flirting shitheads, and let’s just kill this monster!” He complained, honking the car horn once more.

Steve and you blushed slightly before you both hopped in the vehicle, revving off to go kill whatever the two boys had planned.

Dustin was no love expert, but he knew you and Steve had this connection in a heartbeat.

Well, to be fair- anyone who had a brain could figure out at least one of you had something going on for the other. The little glances they’d take at the other when they thought no one was looking; or the how the hugs between the two of them were always a split second longer than they needed to be.

Maybe Dustin was some sort of love expert- at least he thought he was. He could tell if one liked another. He could also tell that you and Steve were hopeless without a “little push”.

So that’s why the curly haired little boy, had a brilliant idea- and decided to play matchmaker.

It started off as subtle actions: Making sure you and Steve were paired up when checking out his “pet” in the cellar was the first.

Dustin knew you had quite the phobia of all things- well.. Monster, So putting you down the cellar with Steve, was a must.

Now Dustin has had his fair share of romcoms and horrors, and if there’s one thing he knew about girls and horror, was that the girl would always cling to the guy if they were scared. (Well, that’s what he noticed anyways) And that’s what Dustin was aiming to do. Get you scared. -for matchmaking purposes of course.

“See anything down there guys?” he called, waiting for a response. When he didn’t get one, the curly locked boy peered down into the cellar, only to be met with a blinding light coming from the flashlight you were holding, and an unamused frown from Steve, who happened to be carrying some sort of skin.

“We found your pet’s- whatever this is.” You informed Dustin as you climbed up the stairs to meet him on the surface. “I think it’s skin or some shit- I don’t know.”

Steve followed behind you, bat in hand and handed Dustin the piece of skin his monster, apparently named Dart, had managed to shed off.

“Now what?”

“We find the stupid thing, obviously.”

Subtle actions did not work. You and Steve needed a bigger push than that.

So, when you had decided to play bench for a day, Dustin took this as his opportunity to get Steve to open up about you - or, girls at least.

The two of them were walking alongside the tracks of a railway by the forest, throwing scraps of meat in attempt to lure Dart, when Dustin stated his “Problem”.

He’d pretend he needed girl advice (to be honest, he did) and he was hoping the conversation topic of you would somehow come into play.

“The key to girls is acting like you don’t care.” Steve explained when Dustin had brought up his topic.

“Even if you do?” He had replied, throwing another piece of meat behind him, before turning back at the brunette. Steve nodded and told Dustin that “It drives them nuts”, which was a really shitty piece of advice, but Dustin took it anyway.

“Then what?”

Steve sighed, before going “You just wait, until you feel it.”

He threw down another piece of meat, wrinkling his nose in disgust, then explaining that Dustin needed to feel this sort of “electricity”.

“When you feel the electricity, that’s when you make your move.”

Who was Steve kidding when he told Dustin that.

Steve always felt electricity whenever he was around you. The mere action of brushing hands against each others brought sparks up his arm. How soft your hands were made him want to hold them- not just that that though, he wanted to not only hold them, but wanted to know that they were his to hold; that you were his.

And what did he do about it?

Absolutely nothing.

He didn’t make a move, fuck- he didn’t even address these feelings. Steve made it look like he genuinely didn’t care. But he did. He cared so much about you- the way he talked to you, how he acted around you- Steve even started to get a little bit self-conscious when that Billy boy came to town. He didn’t want Billy to take you away from him. He didn’t want to lose you to some sort of buff asshole- but yet, he did nothing. He did absolutely fucking nothing.

“Steve? Steve!”

Steve’s thoughts were interrupted by the whining of his curly haired companion, and he turned around to face him.

“What?”

“After I feel the electricity- is that when I kiss her?”

“No-no woah, slow down Romeo… you see- some girls want you to be aggressive…strong, hot and heavy- like a lion.” Steve began, throwing another scrap behind him. “But with others, you got to be slow.. Stealthy. Like a ninja.”

“What type is Y/N?”

Steve stopped in his tracks and felt the heat rise up to his cheeks. He was most definitely blushing now.

“She’s- she’s different.” He answered.

Dustin could see the blush spreading on the brunette’s face and gave him a knowing grin. His plan was working.

“In what way?”

“What?”

“In what way is she different? What makes her so special from all the other girls?” Dustin asked curiously.

Steve fell silent. He knew damn well what made you special: Everything. None of the girls made him smile more than you did. None of the girls made his knees weak, or his heart pound- none of the girls were you.

“She- she well… she-” The brunette fumbled with his words, wanting to just vent out everything he loved about you- but he wasn’t ‘supposed to care’. Dustin only stared at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for a response from his so called ‘mentor’.

“You love her don’t you.” Dustin said quietly, grin suddenly spreading on his face when he realized how truly quiet Steve had become.

“You love her!” He repeated again, this time louder and filled with more energy. “You love Y/N and you’re too shy to tell her and you’re just trying to cover up your feelings by being this cool dude who supposedly doesn’t care!”

“Hey- hey! Shut up will you?” Steve complained, afraid that you might hear, even though your house was practically miles from where they were. Dustin’s grin only grew wider as he noticed Steve’s change of attitude.

“You didn’t deny it.” Dustin pointed out, before throwing another scrap on the ground. His gaze was focused on Steve’s expression of realization and he smiled before going “She loves you too.”

“How are you supposed to know?” Steve complained, setting down his now empty bucket and pulling off his rubber gloves. “It’s not like she told you.”

Dustin did the same, fixing his cap in the process. “I’ve been to Mike Wheeler’s house, Steve. You know Nancy Wheeler and Y/N are good friends right?”

Steve only gave the boy a look of confusion. “What does that have to do with her being in love with me?”

“I can hear their conversations from the basement.”

“Nance, I’m telling you. He’s not as much as an asshole as you think! He’s so nice! His hair looks so soft! He looks so good in that jacket!” Dustin mimicked you, smirking at Steve’s reaction.

“She thinks I look good in this jacket?” Steve said to himself, smirking slightly at the thought of you swooning over him. “Well, shit- if she really said that, I should wear this jacket more often.”

Dustin gave him a toothy grin before nodding. “Uh huh. You know what she’d like more though?”

“What?”

“If you were to ask her out, dipshit.”

The brunette scoffed, then shot Dustin a look. “I didn’t know you were playing matchmaker now, Henderson.”

“Been playing matchmaker ever since you invited Y/N to this little escapade we’ve been going on.”

“And why is that?”

“It’s annoying seeing you two do all this couple shit together- yet still not be a couple.” The little boy stated. “And that Billy dude? He could steal your girl in a second.”

“Hey-wait.. How do you know about Billy?”

“Doesn’t matter. Now get your ass to it and ask Y/N out!”

Steve didn’t know how, or why he was following a kid’s advice, but he did it anyway. Dustin had a point- Steve did love Y/N. He could never bear to see her with someone else.

Besides, if he told her how he really felt, what did he have to lose?

It was now dark. The quiet little street you house resided in was empty, you being the only person in there. The lights were dim, and you were sprawled out on the couch, bowl of popcorn in hand, watching your favorite movie for the billionth time. As you lay down, heavily invested in the current scene, you were interrupted by a loud rapping at the door.

Groaning, you lazily got off the couch, bowl of popcorn still in hand. “Coming!”

You reached the doorknob and opened in up to see a nervous Steve, running his hand through his hair.

“Harrington? Here to ask me to go monster hunting again?” You teased, taking a handful of popcorn then popping it in your mouth.

“Uh.. no- I actually came to tell you something else..” Steve said, his sentence trailing off at the end.

“Mm- Then what are you doing inside, come on in. You can tell me while we’re watching the movie.” You invited, bowl of popcorn in one hand, the other grabbing at Steve’s wrist while dragging him over to the couch.  

The brunette only sighed before stopping in his tracks, making you do the same.

“Y/N- this is kinda important…”

“Hey- Steve you alright?” Your brows furrowed with concern as you turned to face him. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

He sighed, mumbling incoherently, bringing his head down, gaze down focused on the patterns on your wood floor.

“Steve- hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong Y/N- it’s just.. I-”

You waited in anticipation, bringing the bowl of popcorn down, setting it on a nearby table. Your hand reached for his, holding it, in an attempt of helping him calm down. The brunette’s head shot up, gaze averting from the floor, now trained on you.

“You can tell me anything.” You smiled.

Without warning, his lips landed on yours. Your eyes fluttered closed and you found yourself kissing back. His lips tasted faintly of Coca Cola, and you felt him smile into the kiss. His hands were down at your waist and you found yours in his oh-so-soft hair.

Pulling back, you looked up at him, seeing he had a wide grin, similar to yours, spread across his face.

Your hand had slipped back into his, his smile widening at the mere action. His fingers curled around yours, gripping them softly- but still tight enough to give him reassurance that you wouldn’t go. You could feel the calluses on his fingers, and sighed happily to yourself knowing that his hand was yours to hold.

“So… You think I look good in this jacket?” the brunette smirked, breaking the comfortable silence that had occurred a few seconds before.

“Oh shut up and kiss me again, Harrington.”

“Will do.”

[shadowhuntersrarepairnetwork]

SHADOWHUNTERS RAREPAIR SECRET SANTA GIFT for @nerdflake-without-a-url

Title: (Want to Be) Something More Than This

Pairing: Simon/Raphael

Rating: G

Message From Santa: Happy holidays Valentine! One of your prompts was ‘all the fluffy shit’ so here’s a fluff overload! Hope you enjoy!

“Alright. You’ve got this.”

Taking a deep breath, Simon tightens his fingers around the take-out cup of spiced hot chocolate in his left hand and raises his right, curls his fingers towards his palm so that he can rap on the door in front of him. He pauses for a moment with his hand raised in midair before he brings his knuckles towards the door.

A mere hairsbreadth from the wood, he stops himself and takes a step backward.

“Get it together,” he mutters, taking another deep breath and using his free hand to smooth down the front of his hoodie. “What’s the worst that could happen? He says no? Not the end of the world.”

It should not be this difficult for him to ask someone out; it’s far from his first time that he’s done it and, although he’s hoping that he isn’t met with a rejection, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time that happened either.

But still, it isn’t just anyone that he’s trying to muster up the courage to ask out. It's Raphael; unfairly handsome, absurdly sarcastic Raphael, who is essentially the sole reason that Simon made it through his introductory history class, thanks to hours and hours of tutoring sessions that arose after Simon desperately posted in the first year Facebook group one night when he was a little drunk and bemoaning the horrible grade he’d gotten on his first paper.

The crush that came along with spending so much time with Raphael had been more than a little inconvenient at times, mainly on the days when Simon was too tired and distracted to have his heart in studying and really wanted nothing more than to just stare at Raphael for a few minutes, but he’d (mostly) managed to keep it from affecting their sessions, if only because he needed an A in the class to keep his scholarship.

But he submitted his final paper (after having Raphael look over it no less than three times) two hours ago, which means that his crush has gone from being a quiet, dormant thing that’s easy enough to ignore (except for when he’s drank a bit too much or when he’s having one of his weekly venting sessions with Clary) to being blazoned in screaming color inside his mind.

Hence the spiced hot chocolate and the standing outside Raphael’s dorm room and the multiple aborted attempts at knocking.

He tells himself that he’ll try one more time. If he can’t bring himself to go through with it, if the fifth time (or maybe it’s the seventh, but who’s counting?) doesn’t turn out to be the charm, then it obviously isn’t meant to be, and he’ll take the hot chocolate back to his own dorm room and call Clary and-

“What are you doing here, Simon?”

Simon jumps, spins around and finds himself almost toe to toe with Raphael, who is simply standing there with a raised eyebrow, snow melting in his dark hair and along his shoulders, which are covered by an unfairly well-tailored black leather jacket.

“Hey, Raphael,” he says, heart still pounding from the shock of Raphael sneaking up on him. “Nothing. Just, uh. Hanging out. You know how it is.”

“Outside my door?” If it was anywhere else, Simon would think about trying to play it cool, pretend that he didn’t even know he was standing outside of Raphael’s door, but that won’t fly in this case, because a) he’s stopped by Raphael’s room at least half a dozen times and b) there’s a damn miniature whiteboard attached to the door with Raphael’s name written on it in careful, precise handwriting.

For a moment, Simon wishes that he’d given up and left when his last attempt to knock on the door had sputtered out, but instead of attempting to duck out of the situation, he forges on ahead. He already looks supremely uncool; might as well make it even worse.

“Actually, I came here to thank you,” he blurts, thrusting the hot chocolate towards Raphael’s chest. “For helping me make it through the semester. And also, I maybe wanted to ask you out. On a date.” Sighing deeply, he immediately fixes his eyes on the lid of the hot chocolate, so that he doesn’t have to see whatever emotion is currently flickering across Raphael’s face.

Absently, he notices that his hand is trembling slightly.

“Only maybe?”

There's something in Raphael’s voice, something that almost sounds amused, and even though Simon knows it’s probably in his best interests to keep his gaze averted, he’s always been a curious person, so he finds himself looking up anyways. What he sees almost makes him stumble back a few steps.

Raphael is actually smiling at him. It’s little more than a quirk of his lips, but still, there’s a definite upturn to them that makes a spark of hope ignite in Simon’s chest.

“What?” he asks, just to be cautious, because it would be just his luck to get his hopes up only to realize he's completely misinterpreting the situation.

“You only maybe wanted to ask me out? It’s not like you to be undecided about something,” Raphael answers, reaching out and taking the hot chocolate. His fingers momentarily brush against Simon’s, and the spark in Simon’s chest flares brighter. “You’re a very opinionated person.”

“And you’re not?” Simon laughs in mild disbelief. Raphael shrugs slightly as he brings the hot chocolate to his mouth and takes a sip.

“You didn’t answer my question.” His tongue darts out to lick a droplet of hot chocolate off the corner of his mouth, and for a moment, Simon is so distracted that he kind of forgets what question he’s supposed to be actually answering. It’s only when Raphael clears his throat slightly that he remembers.

“It wasn’t just maybe,” he answers, cheeks feeling like they’re mildly on fire. “It was a definite. Once I knocked on your door. Which I was trying to do when you showed up out of thin air. Which you should really stop doing, by the way.”

“I’ll try to walk louder solely for your benefit,” Raphael replies, voice completely and utterly deadpan, although his smile hasn’t abated. “When do you get your final mark for the class?”

“I’m not sure,” Simon says, the change in topic momentarily knocking him off guard. “Sometime in the next two weeks, I think. Why?”

Raphael’s smile grows slightly larger as he steps closer, close enough for Simon to smell his cologne.

“If you don’t pass, I’ll have to tutor you again. And I have a strict policy of not dating anyone I’m tutoring.”

“If I fail, I’m making posters and putting your face all over campus, and they’re all going to say, ‘this man is a terrible tutor’,” Simon responds, hoping that Raphael’s smile will grow a little larger.

When it does, it takes everything he has to not pump his fist victoriously.

“If you do that, I definitely won’t go out with you.” After a moment, Raphael raises his free hand and brushes his thumb over the line of Simon’s cheekbone. It’s a fleeting touch, and there’s barely any pressure behind it, but it makes a pleasurable shiver course down Simon’s spine. “Come back when you find out if you passed or not. Thanks for the hot chocolate.” With that, he steps past Simon, unlocks his door, and disappears into his dorm room. Once the door has clicked shut behind him, Simon lets out a deep breath and sags against the nearest wall, still able to feel the phantom touch of Raphael’s thumb on his cheek.

He hopes with everything he has that he passed the damn class but, just on the off chance that he didn’t, he immediately starts compiling a mental list of people he knows that are smart enough to hack into the school’s database.

Just in case.

&.

Two and a half excruciatingly long weeks later, Simon receives the email containing all of his final grades, and he immediately skips to the bottom of the list of classes.

Introductory History: 91%

As soon as the words sink into his brain, he jumps off the bed, shoves his feet into the nearest pair of shoes, and runs out the door, phone in hand.

By the time he makes it across campus to Raphael’s dorm, his feet are soaked (who knew that it snowed so much overnight?), and his heart is pounding. As he walks down the hallway, the thought that he could have put some more effort into his appearance occurs to him, but it’s too late to turn around; before he can completely lose his nerve, he knocks on Raphael’s door.

It creaks open a few seconds later. Even though it’s the middle of the afternoon, Raphael looks like he just woke up; he’s barefoot, his short hair is tousled, and he’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and a plain black t-shirt.

Just like that, Simon’s already impressively large crush kicks up a notch.

“Did you pass?” he asks, yawning midway through the sentence. Simon nods, brings up the email on his phone, and passes it over. Raphael scrolls for a moment before pausing, lips curling into another smile.

“Impressive,” he murmurs, passing the phone back. Reaching out, his fingers grasp the front of Simon’s sweater and tug him closer. “Where are we going on our first date?”

“I have no idea,” Simon answers, chest bumping against Raphael’s. He carefully wraps his arms around Raphael’s waist, and when Raphael only pulls him in tighter, he relaxes and drops his forehead against Raphael’s. “I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Raphael says, nose brushing against Simon’s. “After I finish the nap that you interrupted. You’re welcome to join me, if you want.”

Simon can’t think of a single thing he wants more than that, even if the dorm room beds are absurdly small.

He’s sure they’ll find a way to make it work

(Spoiler alert: they do.)

[twinmomma-blog]

MUST HAVES for newborn twins:

BOPPY NEWBORN LOUNGER!!! - ESSENTIAL for bottle feeding two screaming babies at once, good for naps (babies should ALWAYS be supervised if napping in them due to suffocation risk). They’re about $35 each and I found mine at Target. They’re so essential I bought an additional set for my parent’s house for when they babysit so we’re not constantly toting them back and forth.

4moms mamaRoo: So, I have one of your run of the mill swings for my babies, which is wonderful, but sometimes a fussy babe just needs something a lil extra; the mamaRoo is EXACTLY the thing for that. With five different motion settings, five speeds for each, and four different preset audio choices and an auxiliary function for your phone, this thing soothes my screaming, fussy children almost instantly when nothing else works. They’re also a good, gentler option for reflux babies you don’t want swinging back and forth, effectively turning baby into a volcano. Now I’m not saying run out and buy two, at $176 each brand new they’re not the cheapest thing ever. But I have one I bought used (so my model is a bit older, it looks like there’s a new gen out) and if I had the option or finances to buy another one, you’re darn tootin’ that I would.

Zip sleepers: y’all. I have SO many cute snap up sleepers for my babies.. but the million snaps drive me INSANE at diaper changes. I just don’t have the patience for them, and frankly, neither do my 2 month old children. The quicker the diaper change, the better in our book. Target has them I believe, and you can always trust Amazon to have what you need, when you need.

GRIPE WATER!!!!!!: Now, always consult with your pediatrician before giving ANY types of supplements or OTC meds of ANY kind before you administer them to your babies. But, with that being said, Gripe Water is a GODSEND. It’s a bit expensive at $10 per 4oz, and with us having twins and giving it in their milk at damn near every feeding.... we run thru the stuff. But I can DEF tell when they haven’t had it, so we use it constantly. It makes for happier babies, and a happier momma. They ALSO make a NIGHTTIME version, I recently discovered, and my babies never slept so well thru the night and it’s a blessing I will not give up.

GAS DROPS: Another must-have we use at every feeding is gas drops. Now again, consult with your pediatrician before giving them to your baby. Like the gripe water, we mix it in with the milk in their bottles to prevent them from just spitting it right back out. Cause then you don’t know how much they got, if any, and you’re pretty much SOL so that you don’t end up overdosing your child.

A Variety of Pacifiers: These are trial and error. If you’re breastfeeding exclusively it’s recommended to hold off on pacifiers for I BELIEVE 2-3 weeks to prevent nipple confusion. Hayden (my baby B) loves only the Phillips AVENT Soothies. NOT the vanilla scented which are supposed to be calming. The vanilla scented ones make both my babies gag for some reason? It may be because when they had feeding tubes in the NICU, the pacifiers they used were vanilla scented and they have an aversion because of that? Who knows. But Harlow (my baby A) loves both the AVENT Soothies (non vanilla), AND the Baby King pacifiers? I have NO clue where they’re from. Dollar Tree?? I got them at my baby shower and Harlow actually PREFERS these over the AVENT ones. Wild stuff. 😂

Soothing Babywash and Lotion: you won’t regret using calming nighttime scents for your babies baths, esp if your baby doesn’t enjoy bath time. We always try to do bath time before their last feeding of the day before bed, and Tho they’re not the biggest fans, we ALL sleep much better on bath nights because of this. We use the Johnson&Johnson brand and have had no issues with the products.

Dishwasher Basket for Bottle Parts: necessary for the standard size bottle nipples, pacifiers, tiny breastpump parts, Dr Browns vent bottle parts, etc. to keep them from either getting lost or melting in the lower part of the dishwasher when they inevitably fall to their death from the top rack of your dishwasher. Amazon has all the options you could possibly need. My husband found mine on clearance at Walmart 😂😅

LOTS OF BURP CLOTHS: At least for us- our babies spit up A LOT. Reflux is a real problem for us. The BEST ones we’ve found so far are the Gerber Newborn Baby Unisex Prefold White Gauze 6-Ply Cloth Diaper, 5-Pack; make sure they are the PREFOLD! We bought a pack thinking they were the thick ones and they were like the single ply super thin cloths that weren’t good for jacksquat. 😭

Bottle warmer: we got the munchkin bottle warmer (I got one at Walmart that now lives at my moms, and a slightly more stylish version at Target, same brand/model just different color) and it warms bottles in 90 seconds or less! Note that if you use the Dr. Browns bottles with the vents, take the vent out while heating or it could overflow, causing a sticky&stinky mess!!

ALSO, while we’re on the topic of Dr. Browns bottles, the 8oz size makes it the PERFECT size for heating two newborn feedings in one bottle so you don’t have to heat two separate times. For example: my babes both get about 3-3.5oz each at a feeding, and I just pour 6-7oz in the big bottle and heat it up! I use the cap from a spare milk collection bottle from the hospital that I had, or you could just use the nipple that comes on the 8oz bottles, either way! I’ll make a post later over how feeding times go with my little ones.

Travel Changing Pad- I use this on the go for sure, but if there’s ever any especially nasty diapers to be dealt with, I whip this baby out at home and my couch, bed, carpet, wherehaveyou stays pristine. Magic.

WALMART BRAND DIAPERS: my favorite brand name diapers are Pampers. That’s what they used in the hospital and I LOVED them. Then I realized how expensive they were. Omg no. And my mom let me in on a little secret: the Walmart brand are almost exactly the same as Pampers, if not THE same. They are just as reliable and the blowouts I’ve dealt with in them, are equivalent to the blowouts in Pampers. And those were the apocalyptic type diaper changes where even God himself could not stop that s*** from coming thru. Bless.

LAUNDRY DETERGENT: PODS. PODS. PODS. Pods for YOUR laundry, and the Tide free and clear or whatever their dye free/scent free pods are for the babies’ laundry. The simplicity and time saving nature of just throwing pods in the laundry instead of measuring detergent saves so much time you didn’t realize you needed. “But...Does it really make that much of a difference?” Yes. Yes it does.

A SLEEP MASK FOR YOU MOMMA!! (and for dad): NAP WHEN YA CAN!! A sleep mask is perfect for when you manage to get both babies down at the same time in the middle of the day and you want some sleep too!!! Essential in my book.

What DIDN’T Work for Us:

HALO TWIN BASSINET: Y’all-I wanted to love this SO badly; with completely mesh sides and a mesh divider so you can see both babies always, and it SWIVELS to get to whichever baby may need you, and the sides lean down slightly to get them out of the bassinet without you having to get out of bed. But...my babies HATED this, it’s quite large even for a double bassinet, and the price tag is even larger at $470 retail. And it’s immobile. Once it’s in one spot, that’s where it lives until you completely disassemble it. I much rather would’ve spent about 1/4 of the price on the Little Folks Twin EZ Fold Ultra Compact Double Bassinet by Delta Children, (available online at Walmart) at $138 that not only wheels to where you need it, but FOLDS UP when not in use or for travel.. at least if my twins hated it too, I wouldn’t have spent half a house payment on it.

HALO SLEEPSACK: ....Sorry again Halo... We had the Halo SleepSack that got sent home with us from the hospital, and tbh they were just okay in my opinion. My girls somehow would wiggle further into them (this may just be a preemie baby problem, we finally quit using them.), and their faces would get covered or their arms would escape thru the little openings in the sack. I would LOVE to try the SwaddleMe or the Love to Dream Swaddle UP ones, but we’ve become pretty good at blanket swaddling for the time being. Again, these are kind of trial and error to see what your babies like. If you’re good at swaddling with a good ole fashioned blanket, that’s great!! But if you don’t have the time or patience to practice, no shame in going the easier route.

A “DIAPER PAIL”- y’all. This is the most useless thing I spent my money on. I don’t even use it. We tried to, and it’s pointless. My house doesn’t smell like baby poo, or if it does nobody has told me. The amount of diapers that we as parents of twins run thru warrants the trash being taken out almost daily, if not multiple times per day. It just wasn’t worth my money, and I bought a highly reviewed off brand. Save the cash and put it towards something extra.

A Changing Pad- Also pointless. I change my twins wherever we are in the house. If they’re really nasty I use the portable changing pad someone gifted me, the kind that folds up and fits in a diaper bag. I get that the big pad with the little sheets on it is cute for the whole nursery aesthetic, but tbh my nursery is just a room in my house that you don’t really use for a newborn (or two+) anyway. Not practical or realistic.

Baby Shoes: I, for one, don’t see the point in buying baby shoes until they’re up and walking. They outgrow them too quickly. Socks will do just fine. Unless you live in a verrrryyyy cold climate. But I’m sure they make super insulated baby onesies for those types of outings. But here, not necessary. $ave dat money.

WHAT I WISH WE HAD:

Snoo: A SMART BASSINET. It has a built in swaddle, and it rocks your baby with different speed settings, AND can detect when your baby starts to wake and will rock in response to baby fidgeting. WHAT?! I really wish I could afford even just ONE of these, let alone two. They come in at a WHOPPING $1290 😭 they apparently also have rent options? From what I’ve heard. But I can’t even imagine what being able to actually afford two bassinets for $1600 would be like. A momma can dream.

[followmyshadcw]

this took too long to post.

So, I’ve changed my blog. Again. No longer am I trekking through the depths of Tinder wondering if my soulmate is buried within the hoards of fuckboys and unsolicited dick pics. After a months or so dealing with heartbreak and wondering where my single life was going to take me, I found this honest-to-God wonderful man and now I hope that I don’t screw it all up as I am notorious for doing so. However, I will still be writing occasionally on here whenever I feel the inspiration to do so. Which is why I’m posting today in this fashion, to tell you about my Tinder date that was a complete disaster. It was about a couple of months ago so I don’t remember some of it. But the things I do remember.... shit, y’all. This guy was an absolute charmer. 

Sarcasm aside, let’s dig in. Thank God I tweeted some of this mishap of a date to refresh some of my memory, because I’ve apparently repressed the majority of what this guy said to me. First off, let’s call this guy... Richard, because he was a real Dick. Second, don’t judge me for being so patient with him and not immediately running away. I wanted to, trust me, but I’m too nice for my own good. 

So, it started off fine. He was a tad late to meeting me at the theme park where our date was to take place, but it was fine. Things happen, and I’m not a person who goes berserk about someone being a little late somewhere. Unless it’s for something important, but this wasn’t. First impressions are important, but this was a Tinder date. Was I supposed to expect something different? Anyway, the date started off great. We began talking and learning more about one another, the usual. 

Speaking about learning more about each other, one thing you should know is that I was a cheerleader for seven years and before that, I was a dancer for the same amount of time. I informed him of this, and he proceeded to tell me that neither of those were actual sports. First sign of who I was dealing with. As we were bickering about why dancing/cheerleading should or should not be regarded as sports, he then confesses (not knowingly that he has done so, and that I’ve caught him) that he has seen both on ESPN. Now, I am a person who sometimes can’t hold her tongue so I quickly retort with, “Well, if they’re on ESPN, they must be a sport since that is a sports channel.” Needless to say, I won that battle. 

Now, this next segment of the date either happened before or after that sports argument, I really can’t remember, but it gave me the creeps either way. The topic of discussion went to more adult than what I preferred, and I feel like I should have stopped talking about it all with him way before I did tell him I wasn’t comfortable. But he started asking me things like “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done [talking about sexual encounters]” or “have you ever had a threesome” or “do you swallow”. I am not joking, these were all questions. Sorry if you’re offended by any of that, but think how it felt to be asked those question in persons. Not the best feeling to say the least. We were in line for one of my favorite rides and the queue for it is pretty dark, and while we were line, he tries to kiss me. No, no, Richard. You should be reading my body posture just fine right now to think to yourself, “wow she’s uncomfortable. I should stop.” But, no. He successfully kisses me, and tries AGAIN when we were waiting to get on the ride. I tell him I didn’t want to kiss him, and I know that offended him. But do/did I care? Negative, Ghost Rider. 

Once again, my time frame of when everything was said and done is all screwed up since I’ve tried to forget this date ever happened, but there was one thing that he told me that confuses me still to this day. I think this was actually said right before our discussion of whether or not dancing and cheerleading were sports, but I’m trying to write this before going into work so I don’t have time to change the order of the paragraphs. And frankly, I’m writing this in the order of how I’m remembering it. Anyway, Richard told me that I looked very different from my profile. How... am I supposed to take that? I get it, though. My profile picture has me with my makeup and hair done since it was taken at my sister’s wedding (it’s the same photo I’m using for my pic on here just throwing that out there), and I did come to this date with hardly any makeup and my hair up in a messy bun. Why, you may ask yourselves. Why did I come to a date like this? Because it’s hot as balls outside in Florida, and I’m not about my sweat making it seem like my skin is melting as my makeup drips off my face. But I ask him if it’s a good or bad thing that I looked different, and he said neither. What. Do. You. Mean. Neither?? I asked him to explain, and he responds with, “you have to earn that answer.” I could only guess what he meant by that. He also kept telling me to stop lying to him. For example, when asking me if my eye color was real, I told him that I had contacts him but it was my eye color... he called me a liar. He continued to “jokingly” call me a liar, and it was absolutely perplexing why he would do that. 

Once again (I don’t know how many times I have to say this tbh), my memory of this disaster date is absolutely atrocious so when I say that I don’t remember what provoked Richard to say this last thing to me, I just can’t. I have tried so many times to recall what I said for him to say this last thing to me, but it has been lost. I was so uncomfortable at this point that I really just wanted to bolt and not tell him good bye. From the very beginning of this date, I lied and notified him that I had plans afterwards with a friend. I just didn’t want the date to last longer than it should or wind up somewhere I didn’t want it to wind up. But when I brought that up again as we were leaving and his final attempt to get in my pants, he told me he didn’t care about what plans I had with my friends and that they would get over it. I can’t tell if he was joking or not, but I made some comment, the comment that I can’t remember to provoke him to say, “No wonder you’re single.” If I were an absolute bitch and thought this reply on the spot rather than much later when I was venting to my roommate, I would have said, “No wonder you’re 29 and still on Tinder.” Instead, I replied, “And no wonder we’re never going to see each other again.” Only because he kept expressing how we were never going to see each other after our date, and my blood was boiling at that point. Especially since I had been broken up with like a couple of weeks prior. 

But, yeah. That’s the long, over-due story of my Tinder date that I hinted I would write a while back. I didn’t have that much time to proofread it so I apologize if there are a plethora of errors. I feel like there was so much more to the date that I’m not remembering, but those were the ones that really stood out to me after a couple of months. Thank you for reading it this far, and I hope y’all have a great day!

[realisationanddoubt]

Begin again

I’ve been in a pretty dark place recently. I’ve finally accepted that depression has reared it’s ugly head again. After speaking to a friend, Anna, she suggested that I started blogging again as a creatvie outlet. After a few days I decided it made sense. I need somewhere to get my thoughts down, to get my life down. This is going to be my own personal therapy and my thoughts about life. The URL is accurate. It’s going to be my very own catalogue of over blown realisations and epithanies followed by crashing back down to Earth with doubts.

Where do I even begin? The last decade has been a strange one. There’s been a lot of curveballs but it’s all lead up to this moment. As with most of life’s moments, they all entangle and cross through each other that there almost doesn’t seem to be a way to untangle it properly. I think I’ll start with something more recent, get into the details of where I am now.

So looking back 6 months ago, my toxic relationship with Nichola finally ended. There’s a lot to unpack there and we won’t get into details, at least not today. I suppose these past 6 months have in part been a journey of trying to eradicate that voice she implanted in my head. The constant doubts and self hatred, the lack of self esteem. I think she loved me in her own way. She has mental health problems too. (Who doesn’t these days) It was a bad relationship and we were bad for each other. I was obssessed with her for a long time, especially in my teenage years. When she resurfaced I shattered my life at the time to make one with her. That alone is a seriously unhealthy way to start a relationship. I was younger then though and worse, being with her threw me back into that mindset of a lovestruck and lost teenager. I think people have a tendency to revert to who they once were when they see people from their past.

Anyway, the relationship ended. It doesn’t really matter how. Let’s just say karma worked it’s way back to me and I got to experience pain I’d previously inflicted myself. It’s strangely poetic how cyclical life can be. After a couple of hellish months of living together whilst trying get over a lost relationship she finally moved out and I was left alone. The weird thing is, that almost hurt more than the break up itself. There’s this weird almost stasis effect of living with an ex. Everything has changed and yet nothing has. It’s like living the worst arguement of your relationship indefinitely. I screamed right in her face at one point and I’m not someone who’s known for his anger. The only other time I’ve ever been that angry is when my mum went drunk driving after a silly arguement. Now that’s definitely a topic for another day.

I’ve always lived in a precarious postiton of someone who hates socialising but also desperately wants to be loved and cared for. So when Nichola finally left I was alone. My only friendships have been cultivated in such a way that we only talk every couple of months. I know any one of my friends would gladly be there for me at the drop of a hat but suddenly contacting someone after months (Or sometimes years) of not talking to each other to vent about how awful my life is seems like way too much of a burden. I’m sure they’d disagree and tell me they want to help. I think it’s human nature to assume no one else cares about your problems though. Add on to this the fact that my friends are scattered to the four corners of the country and suddenly this was an issue I needed to face alone. This was a problem.

I’d like to say after my relationship I really let myself go. That there was some kind of movie-esque moment where my life fell apart and suddenly I wasn’t who I once was. Sadly, this isn’t the case. I spent 4 years in a toxic relationship and the entire time I was letting myself go. Putting on weight, smoking too much and generally hating yourself and everything about the world were the hallmarks of that relationship. It’s probably worth saying that when she came back into my life I was already in an awful place in my previous relationship. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship with Harriet was good and for the most part healthy. I was just in a place where I was an adult and suddenly the mood swings and low self esteem, the self harm and self hatred, could no longer be put down to just hormones. It was clear that I was mentally unwell.

I’m smoking again now. Had 3 packs over the last week. There’s a habit I really need to redouble my efforts to quit. The irritating thing about self improvement is it’s almost impossible, at least for me, to separate the different areas of life. I can think about quitting smoking but I can’t help but couple it with thinking about eating healthier, losing weight, exercising, improving my mental health, quititng energy drinks and every other aspect of my life, big or small, that needs to improve. Of course, like any rational person, all of these things need to be tackled simultaneously and immediately.

Back to mental health. I remember the day I finally went to see my doctor at the behest of my then partner, Harriet. She’d asked me if I’d ever been depressed before and I proudly stated that I had not. She then asked if I’d ever self harmed when I was younger, if I’d contemplated suicide, had no motivation to do the things I cared about. Wait, so you’re telling me I’ve always been depressed? That was an eye opener.

I’m filling this post with tangents. Not that it matters, I don’t really expect anyone to read this. I do actually have thoughts I intended to get down with this post that isn’t just a reflection of the past. I think I might start a new post though. Let this just be the ground work. The introduction of what I hope to accomplish here. This is an insight into my mind. Welcome. 

[sumukhcomedy]

Your Twitter Archive: A Great Way To Have Your Life Destroyed

I recently was in my cousin's car and noticed that she had kept the cover of USA Today from the day after Michael Jackson had died in June 2009. While quite a moment in pop culture history that was rightfully the dominant headline, there was another part of that cover that proved important. The cover mentioned the feature in the Tech section for the day which was an article about how a website called Twitter was changing the way businesses did their customer service. It was laughable to see years later in knowing what Twitter has become and that strangely it has been sometimes the most effective way to get what you need done when you have a customer complaint with a business.

In 2009, Twitter was beginning to become appealing in comedy and likely was the start of many of the most popular Twitter accounts and comedians like Rob Delaney that used their humor in 140 characters or less to propel them into successful careers in comedy. I, however, was always a little more hesitant when it came to social media and found Twitter completely uninteresting to me for a while. I finally caved in the spring of 2012.

Over those five years, I racked up 6,000 tweets which I suppose is a lot to me but not much compared to how some people tweet and may have to tweet for their jobs. As of this post, I have 1,430 followers and most of those came from doing Favstar just so I could get more attention for my album that was releasing. I recently reviewed my Twitter archive out of curiosity for what all these 6,000 tweets were. I couldn't really remember what my tweets from years ago were like and if there was anything of value.

My early tweets really involved no knowledge of how to use Twitter. I did Follow Friday a lot (#FF) because it seemed like everyone was doing that but even at the time it felt completely pointless. It was just tweets where you encouraged other people to follow a mass of accounts which, in reality, just seemed like we were all encouraging each other to follow people we were already following. Most of my tweets just seemed like inside jokes to the other comedians in the comedy scene in Columbus which was pretty much how we were all interacting on Facebook and even still do on that website to this day.

It wasn't until I started live tweeting the 2012 U.S. political party conventions and Presidential debates that I found some joy or relevance to Twitter. Now here were these interactive moments where I could be funny, find the other things my friends were tweeting to be funny, and connecting with other accounts from around the country who were also engaging with this experience.

Clint Eastwood at the 2012 GOP Convention was a fun night to be on Twitter. This photo is also a good representation of when an account with less than 10 followers responds to one of my tweets with racist comments. 

I looked at Twitter and still do as a place where I could post jokes that I knew couldn't be in my act. It was still a place to put something funny out there publicly that could be reflective of who I am as a comedian on stage and as a writer. It would draw more attention to me as a comedian and hopefully lead strangers to come see me perform live.

Twitter had grown over the years into just being a dumpster for me as well at times. It could be a place for the start of a thought or material even if I never would use that material in any way in the future. It also was my place to vent my opinions on sports which I guess isn't really that great when you are trying to market yourself as a comedian but when you realize people are using Twitter for far worse what does it matter anyway? Getting mad at fellow Cleveland fans for their reactions during Game 7 of the World Series seems pretty innocent comparatively. 

As I mentioned, in its infancy, Twitter proved to be a great place for the development of comedy. It created comedy writers. It expanded comedy careers. It had some really funny jokes emerge out of it and still does at times today. It also had plenty of people stealing those same funny jokes. It had value in a variety of ways for comedy.

But, over the years, it also has taken a shift in how people interact with it in regards to comedy. There is an unevenness in how we define what is acceptable on Twitter. There is plenty of potential backlash when it comes to comedy. There are examples of comedy writers being suspended for a tweet. There are examples of bloggers going after comedians for their old tweets. There are even examples of comedians going after other comedians over old tweets. As our President tweets whatever he seemingly pleases, people inside and outside of comedy are potentially losing their jobs or reputations over tweets with no clear definition as to what crosses the line and what does not.

With such an environment it now seems important for every comedian to revisit their past. To me, it is a weird move for some random person to want to take down someone who has worked for years at comedy right at the moment they are finding success. It totally disregards the process of comedy which is filled with miss-hits by a comedian. I've wrote more jokes that have failed than ones that are successful. I've never really written anything particularly edgy so I can't say that I would have crossed any lines or made people offended in my youth but I realize it's possible. Anything is possible when you are weaving your way through comedy, trying to find your voice, trying to find your writing ability, and testing out a lot of ways to go about doing that. It's why you could find untested material from a comedian early in their career that a random blogger could see as offensive without any sense of the comedian's purpose to tweeting it or the comedian's voice. As comedians, we were once testing out our ideas solely at open mics for a few random people. We are now testing out so many ideas in the most public ways possible. It's not surprising that there will be failures with that but those failures are worthy of explanation and not a full-on takedown that threatens the comedian's art and livelihood.

When looking back at my own Twitter account, I luckily didn't have anything that I could perceive as being offensive to the public unless you count a tweetstorm on the Fountains of Wayne song “Stacy's Mom” to be disturbing to you (it was only 3 tweets but, let's be honest, that's a storm when it's about “Stacy's Mom”).

I ended up reviewing every single one of the 6,000 tweets. It took me several hours over the course of a week. I ended up deleting about 2,700 of the tweets I had put out there over those 5 years. I deleted them because I either found them completely unfunny now, embarrassing now, or meaningless now. There were a lot of show promotions or thoughts with no punchlines or thoughts that I just didn't even understand why I put them out there. And, sure, deleting them doesn't mean they are gone forever as someone could manage to find these but it also serves no purpose to have them out there either. And, yes, I kept those “Stacy's Mom” tweets on my account.

It was interesting also in just looking back and remembering those years of my life. At certain points, I was interacting on Twitter with people I just don't see anymore because I live across the country and our friendships aren't as close as they once were. There were tweets I remembered being drunk and doing. There were also trending topics at those times that I didn't even remember who these people or events were and why I was tweeting about them (like Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, who luckily has become so irrelevant in the years since his death).

Comedy has gotten more public and accessible than ever. But the general public acts as if comedy is something everyone is good at on day one. You can see that in the public's own attempts to be comedians or in the criticism they deliver to comedians, the worst of which happens when they dig into that comedian's past. It's like trying to kick Lonzo Ball or any of the newest rookies to the NBA out of the league because you found an old video of a bad game he had in high school.

I think it's always worth revisiting your past as a comedian if anything to remind you how funny you once thought you were and you actually were not and to be very embarrassed by that. In that way, I found it valuable to review my Twitter archive. It was a time-consuming process and kind of crazy to remember those time periods in my life. But, I figured I might as well do it. If I achieve any potential success and grow more of a following, some random blogger might try to destroy my career. And they likely will be successful because I was just too mean to Fountains of Wayne.

[flamieo20]

Arospec Awareness Week 2017 Personal Prompts

I didn’t get the chance to complete these during the week, so I’ve decided to post them all today.

Day 1: Write about what your aromantic / aro spec identity means to you. This can include your experience finding the identity that feels the most right to you, and can absolutely involve disclosing what your identity is (though, of course, that is not required).

My aroace identity honestly means the world to me. I spent so long wondering what was wrong with me and constantly feeling isolated and alone. Finding my labels helped me realize that there were others like me, and that I wasn’t just lying to myself. To me being aroace means standing up for yourself, even when everyone else says you’re wrong, and saying no I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be.

Day 2: Write about some of the complications you’ve come across as identifying or existing on the aromantic spectrum. You can include ways you’ve worked out problems that occur, or things you might still be struggling- it’s all up to you. Feel free to give advice to other people participating if you have any, as long as it’s okay with that tumblr user!

One of the biggest surprises to me was how much damage I’ve done to myself over the years, without noticing. I thought that since I know not into romance, taking in romantic content wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t notice a difference in my mental state until I went back to radio music after listening to the Hamilton soundrack for an entire week. I felt physically drained and emotionally exhausted, and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t until later I realized that the songs in Hamilton are largely aro friendly, talking more about taking a stand for what you believe in then the importance of finding a partner. Going back to radio music, which mentions the importance of romantic love in almost every song was jarring and upset me by reminding me of everything I’m not. Learning from this experience, I now keep track of how much romantic material I take in during the week. If I start to feel hollow, I stop and do something else. I would highly system recommend to for any aro, even though aro friendly media is difficult to find.

Day 3: Write about the things you love about your identity. If you’re struggling to love your identity, what are the things about the aromantic spectrum that resonate with you? How has finding the community helped figure out who you are? Feel free to post as many positive aromantic self-love posts as you see fit.

I love how my identity has shaped my friendships. I find that the importance I place on my friendships is a direct result of being aromantic, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love that my friends acknowledge how my identity has shaped my experiences and opinions, and are always supportive of me. Being aromantic is just another thing my friends love about me, and I could not be happier.

Day 4: Write about the relationships in your life before you learned about the aromantic spectrum or before you began identifying on the spectrum. Have you noticed a big change in how you view the people you care about? About how you used to interact with people? Write about your experiences before you discovered the aromantic spectrum.

Before learning about the aromantic spectrum, it felt like there was a wedge being placed between me and everyone I cared about. In middle school, it was like dating became the most interesting topic in the world overnight, leaving me wondering if I missed something. I remember classmates going over each couple during lunch, and I asked why it mattered so much since they were probably going to break up in a few weeks anyway. The looks I got for that one quickly taught me to keep my mouth shut. Other people in my class seemed consumed by crushes, going over how much they want to be with them. I still thought I got crushes, so I didn’t know what the big deal was. Yeah, it would be nice to hang out with my “crush” and talk about stuff, but it’s not the end of the world if that never happens. Learning about the aromantic spectrum cleared things up for me. I didn’t want to be with any of my “crushes”, only hang out sometimes and talk, making them a clear “squish” or friend crush. I only got these feelings toward guys due to my mom assuming I had a crush on any guy in class I talked to frequently, giving me the nervousness that made me think my feelings were romantic. Figuring all this out was freeing, as it not only made me more comfortable with myself, but also with my friends as well. I felt happier in my friendships because I was more at peace with myself. 

Day 5: Write about the relationships in your life after you learned about the aromantic spectrum and began identifying on the spectrum. What kinds of relationships do you appreciate more now, if any? What’s different for you identifying as aromantic? What’s different in viewing the people around you?

After learning I was aromantic, I felt more comfortable being intimate with my friends. I became more of a hugger and let them know how I was feeling more often. Because I now feel more comfortable prioritizing my friends, I am more confident around them, leading to us talking and seeing eachother more often. Plus, since they all know I’m aromantic, I can make jokes about being aro and they often make lighthearted jokes about it as well. It is so nice having your identity acknowledged by those you love.

Day 6: Write about your experience with the amanormativity we’re all subjected to. Amanormativity, for those who don’t know, is a societal expectation that forming an exclusive, central, amorous relationship is a universal goal. Did it affect you a lot growing up, is it something you’ve just begun to experience or notice a lot, or does it affect your life in any way at all? What are some of the things that really bother you about this? How does this manifest in the expectations the people in your life have on you? Feel free to use this prompt as a means of venting.

The expectation that romance is the ultimate, universal goal really did a number on me as a kid. I couldn’t feel comfortable around my friends, because I knew that they could leave me to pursue a “real relationship” at anytime. It felt like, by hanging out with me, I was holding them back and preventing them from finding happiness. Besides, why would they want to be friends with a freak like me anyway, when they can be friends with someone who can connect with their romantic feelings and help them with dating drama. It eventually got so bad that I started thinking “I hate people” whenever something romantic came up, because I didn’t even feel like a person anymore and didn’t have any words to describe myself. Once this started, I began to think how well off everyone would be without me and wonder if anyone would really miss me that much if I were gone. I played out entire conversations with my friends in my mind where they decided they didn’t want to see me anymore, so I would be more prepared when they eventually got sick of me. Worse of all was trying to sleep through the night, with all of the thoughts above coming back to me, mocking me until I came to the conclusion that if I really wanted this to end, I could just go downstairs and take the entire container of advil at once. Thankfully, at this point I was already laying down and physically and emotionally exhausted, so I decided to try and sleep instead. I didn’t really start to get over any of this until I finally broke down and told a friend how much my family’s insistence that I needed to start dating was weighing on me. She, to my surprise, was completely supportive, reminding me that it was my life and no matter what she’d always love me. Just having someone in my corner was enough for me to start thinking that maybe being like this was ok, and I started to look more into aro and ace identities I had heard in passing online. I felt the pressure to get a relationship slowly drip away over the next year, as I slowly began to accept that I’m aroace.

Day 7: Reflect on your week, your experience as identifying as aromantic or arospec. What would you like for next year’s week? What are some final things you want to express about being a part of the aromantic/aromantic spectrum community or other things you’d like people to know?

I am really glad that I participated in arospec awareness week this year. It gave me the confidence to finally tell my family and friends my identity, and to my surprise they were completely supportive. Even my mom, who has taken my ace identity with a grain of salt in the past, has been actually open minded and supportive this time around. I think I’d like to do personal prompts again next year, though I don’t have any ideas for new prompts. Maybe ask about how we feel about squishes, since many in our community place a huge importance on squishes, while other aromantics don’t feel squishes at all. I think it’s important to keep all aromantics in mind when making these prompts, as we all understand what it’s like to not belong. We shouldn’t add to that feeling, but instead should build a community where all aro people can feel accepted.