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stagefoureddiediaz · 6 days ago

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Costume Meta 811 - Holy Mother of God

Well I don’t know how coherent this will be after that episode - but I’m gonna give it a go becasue there was so much good stuff to talk about with Bucks costuming this week. Sadly no Eddie to talk about though - he’s busy in El Paso trying to settle in and I’m sure we’ll have lots of things to talk about with him next week. I should also warn you - I will be talking about Tommys costumes as well - because they are relevant - but I don’t want to jump scare you when you come across pictures of him!

Do kind of love that I get to do a full character deep dive into Buck because there’s no Eddie this week? You bet I do - especially with the parallels we get in this episode. As always - below the cut!

Starting with Buck’s first outfit - his moving into Eddie’s house clothes - White Elwood hoodie, black pants, grey adidas trainers and his usual watch.

Buck is wearing the grey adidas trainers for his move into Eddies house - carrying on the theme from the end of the last episode and really connecting them into the Buck-Eddie of it all. We don’t see them again in the episode - but I’m not surprised by that - because the rest of the episode is about Buck navigating his new reality and whilst Eddie is heavily present in nearly all those scenes, its not about him or him and Buck as a unit, it’s about Buck and about Bucks feelings - and so we get the white trainers in the scenes where we do see them visible!

White is never good sign for Buck as it portends struggles and angst - having him open the episode wearing white clearly indicates what the episode is going to bring for him. There is also the fact that white signifies new beginnings or blank pages and is also a symbol of clarity (especially mental clarity) and goodness (in opposition to darkness/evil which is black), hope, and innocence. This hoodie is not the only time we see Buck wearing white in this episode as we also see him wearing white later at Maddies house, so I’ll go into what I think the white of it all is for a little bit later when I get to that costume!

This white hoodie is by Elwood - a brand the show has been using for Bucks costumes for a couple of seasons now - particularly for his baggy fit clothes as it tends to be a style choice of the brand. The logo on the back is about connecting Buck to LA - tying him to a location - we also get Maddie in 2 costumes tying her to LA in this episode as well. I think this is very intentional and it’s about emphasising that they have put their roots down in LA - that it is their home (even if Buck is renting!) and I think they have done this to really bring home the fact Eddie has left for El Paso and Buck has to stay in LA because all of the scenes we see these sweaters with the LA logos on, they are scenes about the gap Eddie has left - Buck moving in to Eddies house, Buck not feeling comfortable in that space without Eddie there and so going to Maddie, Buck talking to Maddie about the hole in his life Eddies departure has left - that he misses him.

It’s about establishing the necessity of that separation - for them to separately learn to love themselves so that they can then love each other once they reach that point - especially with the use of an eagle in flight logo as part of Bucks hoodie is an interesting choice to me - birds are a representation of flight - of freedom and of getting a different perspective on things. Eagles specifically are meant to represent good fortune, strength, resilience, power and wisdom and protection and they are also a symbol of Jesus’ resurrection and therefore renewal. (Its also worth noting that bird is another way of describing a helicopter which feels kind of relevant knowing that we’re getting a big helicopter presence in 814/15 and the fact that one can argue that Buddie has been kicked into action via a helicopter)

Also - remember the use of red as I will come back to that colour later on!

Then we have Buck rocking up at the Madney house asking to stay the night in a dark, almost black denim jacket, a greenish grey tee and a bag with a yellow ochre strap.

Firstly the scene is a repeat of the scene from 210 where Buck, having finally moved out of Abbys, winds up on Maddies dining room floor on and air mattress after outstaying his welcome at Chimney’s! Even the colours are the same - green, yellow ochre and black - as you can see below. This parallel is intentional and it is all about Buck being in this period of flux when a dramatic change has happened to his life. I find it a really interesting parallel to draw not only because it’s about Buck moving on to a new phase of his life but also because in combination with the grey hoodie we see him in shortly it gives us a parallel to the Buck and Taylor hook up from season two.

The other thing about this costume tht is key is the greyish green tee, because we see this same tee later in the episode and this grey and green or greyish green colouring is something have been seeing on buck across the last episode and this one and is actually a developing theme for him this season as a whole - we’ve seen buck in khaki greens, greenish greys, or greyish and green in combination multiple times. In 804 he is wearing a greenish grey jacket at the hearing about the 118 being closed down, in 806 we have the khaki green trousers he wears on his date with Tommy and in 810 we have the grey tee and same khaki green trousers when Eddie leaves for El Paso. We also have a lot more green on Buck across seasons 7 and 8 than we’ve had on him in all the other seasons combined. We get the darker and more bottle green colour on him in 705 - the gym conversation with Eddie when he is trying to come out to him. In 707 he is wearing a bottle green shirt when Eddie drops Chris off before going on his date, and in 806 we see him in this darker green during the break up with Tommy and in the subsequent scene at Eddie’s house on the couch.

I go on about green being a colour of growth and renewal, balance and harmony, but also greed, envy, and jealousy. Or how it is a colour associated with blending in - hiding in plain sight (hence its use by the army) making it a colour associated with safety. The thing with green and Buck in these last two seasons is about when the different versions of green are being used. The bolder - darker bottle greens are seen in scenes connected to secrets or more accurately scenes where a character is not being fully honest - with another character and or with themselves - 806 is Eddie not being fully honest with either himself or Buck, while the 705 and 806 scenes are Buck not being honest with Eddie and with Tommy respectively and the also Buck not being honest with himself. To what degree Buck is not being honest with himself is up to you to determine at this point in time, but my personal opinion is that its two fold - there is the conscious not being honest and the unconscious or subconscious (or unknown) not being honest with themselves at play in all these scenes.

As for the khaki greens and the greyish greens - we have scenes connected to battles - internal and external - the battle to Save the 118 in 804, Bucks battle with his bisexuality (in terms of fully knowing himself and understanding himself not with actually being bisexual) and those same trousers in 810 are about Bucks battle with letting his best friend leave him. In all These scenes we see Buck trying to blend in - trying to be what he needs to be to various people in that moment - the girls asking for a photo, Tommy, the rest of the 118, Eddie. All of the scenes are Buck hinging his true self in plain sight whilst at the same time they are scenes about jealousy (not always Bucks) and present an opportunity for growth.

The green shirt here and in the later scene at the bar in this episode also play into this idea of hiding in plain sight and safety and also jealousy and internal battles. Turning up at Maddies is as a result of a battle Buck has been having with himself over his new house and it not feeling like home because eddie is very present in every corner - its him looking for safety, while at the bar Buck is battling to get over Eddie leaving, his attempts to befriend Ravi are about him trying to blend in and then we also see jealousy at play to some extent during the scenes with Tommy.

Then we have the light grey marl hoodie - which as you can see from the picture is the same one from the billy boils scene back in 805. It’s about paralleling the feeling of abandonment by the people closest to you. The 805 scene of Buck Deep Diving on substack, about Billy boils really comes into play here in 811. This show is really good at Platine seeds for things that will come back up later on in the season, or even further down the line. In 805 the Billy boils arc serves more as a reflection on Buck going above and beyond when things connect into his personality - as we saw with Red back in Season 3. But now we‘re getting both that concept in play here (buck going above and beyond for Eddie by taking over his lease) as well as Bucks feelings and fears of abandonment which have been majorly stoked by both Maddie going missing and by Eddie leaving.

We also have the two watches again - which is making my brain itch with the possible meanings - I should point out that it appears to be two new watches - not his usual watch that we’ve seen him in for a while - one looks like a retro 1980’s style digital screen watch and the other looks like a smart watch. I know we’ve got bts pictures of him with them on whilst in his street clothes, but it is possible he’s just not fully in costume at that moment (especially because in other bts with him out of costume he is not wearing them!) there’s something about the fact that we’re only seeing them like this in certain scenes and not in others. It is entirely possible that Oliver is having to wear a monitor of some kind for some reason - but this doesn’t feel like that - because he is not wearing them in most scenes - its only certain ones - and by this I don’t mean the scenes where his arms are bare - I mean scenes where he has long sleeves on - like under the red jacket later in this episode - when he isn’t wearing any watches at all etc.

There is also the fact that its not just a second watch but that both of them are different - if it was Oliver needing to wear a monitor for some reason, there is no reason why he couldn’t still wear his character watch on the other wrist. The wardrobe department wouldn’t be so lax in catching this sort of thing - actors generally speaking will take off all personal belongings and leave them locked in their trailer when they put costumes on, and part of the costume delivery would include their characters ‘jewellery’ - which would be locked away at the end of the shooting day because a lot of it is very high value (Eddies new watch is over $1k for example) - making it less likely that its just Oliver suddenly forgetting to change his personal watches for his character one(s). So it’s something I am keeping an eye on and tracking to see if I can figure it out what is going on! Right now it feels like it’s some kind of play on Buck existing in two places - in two time zones or that there are two different ‘countdowns’ running in his life right now. We’ll just have to watch and see what is going on with the watches!

It’s also worth pointing out here that the jeans are back! We see them several times during the episode and their first appearance is in this scene at Madney’s house.

We have a red and brown check jacket and also have a cream tee and jeans in this scene. Where everything else has been looser in fit and all about comfort (hoodie) up to now in this episode, here we have a combination of fits going on which really plays into this idea of confusion and BUck not really being comfortable within himself. The kacket is well fitting but intentionally slightly short waisted making the tee look too long, even though it too is a good fit on Buck. The jeans are loose fit and slightly baggy, but again do actually fit him. Each article of clothing on its own is a good fit for buck, however in combination they don‘t fit him because they are ‘fighting‘ with each other. This fits with Bucks attempt to make friends with Ravi - its not a good fit because Buck is trying to force something as quickly as possible to fill the void in his life - rather than allowing a friendship to develop more naturally - or taking Ravi’s hints that he isn’t really interested in being friends with Buck, this also ties into the jacket being check patterned, signifying that there is some form of trouble ahead for Buck - his pushing Ravi to go out leads to this jacket being followed by the orangey brown check jacket we see Buck in the next time we see him.

But we’re going to divert for a moment and talk about the colour red for a second. I already mentioned the red on the white hoodie, but we also see Buck up on the ladder rescuing the woman on the cross surrounded by red -we have the red harness he has looked around him and the top of the ladder is also red - which serves to ensure he is surrounded by the colour as you can see in the picture below.

We also see red flowers in the scene Buck and Maddie share in the kitchen later on in this episode. These flowers are an interesting combination and while we see flowers a lot in the background of the Madney house (and in other houses) their placement in this scene - between Buck and Maddie and drawing attention when they’re in shot is what makes them important in the same way the sunflower and ‘wedding’ bouquets were in 809. From what I can tell (because it was really hard to get an in focus screen grab of the flowers so I’m not 100%) we have a combination of red roses, red gardenia’s , red gerbera’s and what looks to me to be two varieties of Pom Pom daisies - the white with red tips and the solid red with a white centre. All of these flowers have meanings associated with love, innocence (except the red roses), new beginnings or prosperity and success. The daisy is also a symbol of motherhood and fertility so that is obviously a nod to Maddies pregnancy - because the flowers work for both Maddie and Bucks respective storylines.

Back to costumes, and buck wearing red - not something that common with him - in fact he only wears red 6 times across all 8 seasons and it’s 50/50 split on if its check or not and the check seems to connect into Buck himself only, while the solid red seems to be more about something external to Buck that connects into him as well.

We have him in red in 102 at the therapists office which is the most important of all the red costumes in relation to tonight’s episode, because it connects into the parallels the show was drawing between the rollercoaster incident from season 1 and the woman on the cross. I wrote in a post before the episode aired that I thought we were getting a rollercoaster parallel and that I thought that if we did, we would also get a parallel to Buck sleeping with this therapist. And we did indeed get that parallel, with the woman on the cross being Devon in 102 and Tommy in the place of the therapist (and before you come at me for comparing Tommy to a woman who essentially r*ped Buck, it is not about the plot device character or their motivations, its about the fact Buck is in an emotionally vulnerable place and is therefore not thinking clearly - it is about him and not them!) and that parallel is about setting Buck up for making progress with his issues - and reflecting the fact that he makes bad choices when emotionally compromised in some way. we get the rollercoaster - therapist parallel also make an appearance in season 5 - with Lucy - yes it is technically in reverse to these other two because the rollercoaster incident isn’t brought up until after the bad choice (kissing Lucy - which is also connected by Buck getting drunk on tequila/margaritas!) but the parallel is still their - Eddie has left he 118 and had his breakdown and Buck is struggling with all of that - with having to work with someone who isn’t Eddie and is also in a relationship that isn’t actually bringing him much in the way of happiness etc.

I do think it funny that they have drawn tommy into these parallels when both the s1 and s5 occurrences are about Buck seeking emotional intimacy through sex in some form and that the Lucy incident especially is about Eddie and Buck kissing Eddie’s replacement - with Tommy basically being Eddie’s replacement because Buck hasn’t allowed himself to consider Eddie as an actual option.

The next time we see Buck in. Red is 409 - when he is meeting Jee-Yun via video chat wearing a solid red knit sweater

Then we have 513 and Eddies breakdown

Followed by 518 and Bucks chat to Maddie about looking for love

Then we have another jump to 805 and Bucks check cowboy shirt

And now 811 in the locker room.

Hopefully you can tell that all the red check shirts tie into Buck and his abandonment issues, while all the solid red costumes are more external to Buck.

The green tee and brown check jacket from the bar I have already spoken about my thoughts on this outfit in my pre show meta when the stills dropped - you can read those here, and on the whole I was right about what we would see from this costume and the implied meanings - we did indeed see buck in a less than fun situation, but one that did set him up for growth. How the orangey brown played into the idea of transformation, superficiality and predictable and conservative as well as into the idea of loneliness and isolation. While the break up green gave us the start of bt break up 2.0 electric boogaloo - where Buck hooking up with Tommy actually gives him some form of closure on that relationship as his outburst the morning after actually reveals a fair amount about his feelings (the Eddie of it all aside) - Buck even says later to Maddie that he was using Tommy as a distraction - that it wasn’t because he genuinely had feelings for him etc.

The other thing about this costume is the lack of watch whilst at the bar, but he is wearing one later on when he’s stumbling down the corridor to the bedroom with Tommy as you can see below. The entire time at the bar its Eddie, Eddie, Eddie and his greatest hits - its past tense not present or future, and Buck stopped wearing a watch as Eddie was leaving - so the lack of watch here in this scene is part of that - Buck feeling like time has run out on that aspect of his life. But as soon as the costume becomes about Buck in the here and now and the seeking of a distraction - the watch is back on his wrist!

Then we get jump to the morning after when he is still wearing that watch - and when you think that he’s wearing different clothes to the ones from the night before - he’s clearly got dressed after the hook up before falling asleep - at which point one would expect a watch to be taken off, but hasn’t - clearly showing that time is a key element of things in this scene.

We have him in a cut off tee in greenish grey - similar to the one when Eddie departs for El Paso, grey black joggers and black socks. I am especially loving the fact that the tee matches up with his bed linen - especially the pillow he has not slept on - as you can see in the above picture they are nearly an identical match -a more green toned grey, while his own pillow and the sheet, are more grey in the brown spectrum. It’s funny because they’ve done this with Buck before - putting him in a grey shirt and having him fall asleep on his bed in s6 during the sperm donor arc (when they panned across to the firefighter onesie) - blending him into his bedding seem to be something of a theme - I’ve just not quite pieced together what exactly it is yet but it is making me wonder if my suspicions are right and the sperm donor arc is going to come back up in some form!

The cut off is part of a theme we’re seeing emerge with Buck - the distressed look to his clothes in 809, 810 and now 811 is a deliberate choice being made - it ties back into the therapist office scene in 102 - you can see in the picture above the distressed jeans he’s wearing revealing his internal distress. It’s all about visually signalling the character is distressed or feeling raw - emotionally and is in keeping with the fact it seems we’re going to be getting Buck in turnouts that look pretty distressed etc in upcoming episodes - it feels like its slowly escalating and is signalling some kind of breakdown for him - that he will reach a breaking point where he is actually going to have to face up to a few things (making the mini theory that that breakdown might tie into the episode called sick day - with Buck’s sickness being more of a mental one than a physical illness - the like of which many or may not take out the rest of the 118 in some way!). The fact we’re seeing his ‘mask’ slip more and more dramatically as he loses the control he has had on things - and the fact this scene parallels a couple of other scenes is what I’m excited about - the therapist scene from s1 - which was paralleled here on multiple levels including the costume - the distressed frayed look - we see Buck wearing distressed clothing in that scene from s1 - Buck is also wearing red check in that scene and that ties the red check from earlier into things - because it is not something Buck wears - literally there are only 3 times - therapist scene, cowboy buck at the firehouse in masks and the one from this episode.

Appologies - but we need to talk about Tommy - because putting him in the exact same outfit as the break up scene from 806 is a very loud choice and I genuinely cackled when I saw!

When I say exact same, the shirt is technically a different shirt, but it is a black linen shirt with the sleeves rolled up and it is doing the same thing as the first one, and continues the theme of black shirts being Tommys dominant costume (literally most of his costumes!) - we see him in maroon occasionally and the blue & grey combo of the basketball game, but otherwise he wears black shirts - especially in scenes where Eddie is present and taking up most of Bucks attention!!! The thing that makes this occurance of a black shirt a parallel to the 806 breakup scene is the dark grey singlet underneath - which is the exact same one.

This allows us to connect the two scenes and makes it clear this latest scene is just an extension of the break up scene - a continuation and one where Buck gets some closure over that relationship - even if it doesn’t feel like it initially! It also shows that Tommy is unchanged - that he‘s not grown in any way that while Buck is in a different place (the change from break up green into the grey tee is a visual indicator of that - Buck thought he was in the same place as when Tommy dumped him, but he wakes up metaphorically and literally in a different place), Tommy isn’t - its a clear indicator that the relationship can never work. It helps to connect what he said in 806 with what is said in 812 - connecting the‚ you wouldn’t mean to, but you‘d end up breaking my heart’ with ‘the competition being out of the way’ but mostly with Bucks line about not sleeping with people he’s in love with and not being in love with people he’s does sleep with. The entire scene is about Eddie and about proving both the break up scene in 806 and the Josh advice scene correct.

White tee buck and his black denim apron of baking spirals - Buck clearly has a collection of aprons and we’ve seen various ones depending on the scene and what it needs to convey but this black one has made a couple of appearances now - including in the baking scene with Jee (you can see it in a picture further down this post) its further emphasising baking as a coping mechanism, but it also creates a black and white look on Buck - when everything around him is in colour. The black and white colour theming is literally about showing us the black and white of it all - its telling us that everything we need to know is right there in black and white - Buck bringing up Eddies straightness and being the one to bring up pining and being in love - that the reality is he is in denial.

Obviously there is also the Buck in white of it all - which is evidence enough for me that what Buck is saying in this scene is meant to be read as not being reality him his deepest self - that Buck is in fact in love and pining after his best friend (but he can’t actually look at that fact - Eddie being straight is Bucks last defence and one he needs to hold for his own sanity - Eddie has left - there is nothing to be gained by Buck examining the reality of his feelings except heartbreak) and that is the thing that will lead to some kind of issue for him

Brown fridge in background continuing to play into the brown colour theme we;re seeing for the season

I do want to take a small detour into blue/yellow colour theory for a minute - because it is there and it is loud in this episode!

We have the blue yellow combination appearing on Maddie as she as Buck talk on the couch at the Madney house, and also the fridge magnets behind Buck in the kitchen scene (as you can partially see above).

We also have the blue mattress (again see picture above),

and Ravi is in blue.

The lighting in that scene is very yellow - until Tommy turns up and Ravi leaves - when it gradually cools down to more white lighting - as you can sort of see see in the two pictures below - its actually clearer if you watch the scene through!

Finally we have this light pinky brown tee - which from a colour theory perspective and a paralleling perspective is interesting - more or less the same colour as the baking hoodie and is in keeping with the brown theme of the season as a whole (especially because he ends up by sitting on his orangey couch!) white trainers. This brown/pink colour seems to be about coping mechanisms and finding a way to find joy - the pinkish tone connects into that theme of innocence vulnerability and joy combined with the idea of being grounded and stable whilst also playing into that idea of loneliness and isolation I spoke about earlier - its about Buck finding his feet - finding stable ground in his being alone - its about embracing loneliness and finding joy in it.

That to me is a really loud indicator of where they are going with Buck by showing him in that colour whilst he is unpacking his things in the house that used to be Eddies - after having him explicitly say that a big part of the reason he hasn’t unpacked is because it means Eddie and Chris won’t be coming back. Its about Buck reframing that feeling and being ok with it - using that and the loneliness that brings as the stable ground from which to find joy and rebuild himself. Its the first stage of Bucks path towards working to deal with his abandonment issues (I am not saying it will be smooth sailing from here - in fact I fully expect for things to get much worse for him on that road!)

In the same way as the baking hoodie was also about Buck finding coping mechanisms and some form of stable ground to work from in his loneliness - the change from hoodie to Tee suggests progression.

And there we have it - the many costumes and colours of Buck for this episode - I hope you found it interesting and thanks for reading - it always means the world to me that people read and engage in these long meta posts 🥰🥰🥰

As always - tagged people below and let me know if you’d like adding to the list!

@lover-of-mine @spotsandsocks @fruityfirehose @wanderingwomanwondering @livingwherethesidewalkends @buddiediaz118 @bewitchedbewilderedbisexual @satvojihusana @elvensorceress @icebergeddie @buckleyanddiaz @eddiedisasterdiaz @kejfeblintz @cookie-kat777 @leothil @bucksbelly @kyoteugly @bi-moonlight @somebodycall911onabc @trudayss @chaosandwolves @lemotmo

#911 costume meta #812 costume meta #Kym costume meta #911 colour theory #Kym colour theory #911 costumes #colour theory #evan buck buckley #buck #911 abc #evan buckley #buddie #costume analysis #costume parallels

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izudeeilo · 5 months ago

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﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

You can study me

Sero hanta smau

volley-ball player sero x art student fem!reader, no quirks au, college au.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Senior year is finally here! You thought that this time, the teachers would be more lenient with you and your classmates, but not at all. In fact, they even got stricter... They assigned you a half year-long work, which would be worth 30% of your final grade. What does the work consist of, you ask? Making a complete study of the life of a student you need to pick and paint it.

But... you can't pick a friend

Part .2 • Part .4

Part 3

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You all walked into the club you’ve been going to since you can remember. It was your favorite because it played primarily 80s and 90s music, the whole club was also 80s themed.

The floor tiles were black and white, disco balls adorned the ceiling and casted beautiful lights all around the place.

You squeezed your eyes shut a few times from the bright colour lights emanating from above you as you made your way through the crowd with your friends.

Squeezed between people you danced to the music that was already ending, Izuku was next to you and Himiko and Ochaco right in front of you.

The next music played, and you jumped onto what you thought was Izuku’s arm and yelled “Oh I love that song!”

You turned your head and were met by Mina with a smile on her face and wide open eyes.

”Y/n! What are you doing here” she screamed, her hands going to your shoulders excitedly.

”The same as you, I would say, I’ve never seen you around here before” you chuckled, happy to see a familiar face.

”I figured I would try something new this time and I absolutely love it here!! Even more now that I know you also go here” she smiled, nudging your shoulder.

You took her hand and led her to your friends after she said she came here alone and you offered to spend the night together.

And as the song played, A forest by The Cure, you locked your eyes with her, and you both began dancing together. Her, in front of you, both shaking your shoulders from left to right in rhythm. Throwing your heads back, hands dancing in the air as you breathe in the alcohol fuelled air.

Come closer and see. See into the trees.

You all chant the lyrics and whirl around on the dance floor, moving your bodies from side to side.

After an hour or two of dancing, Mina led you all to the bar and ordered 5 blue lagoons.

”That’s on me you guys” she grinned at you, twirling around on her chair.

You all looked at her with disbelief, trying to insist on paying for your own drinks, but she declined and said it was nothing. You took your drinks when they were ready and went to sit around a table a bit further away.

She was so easy to get along with, like you all already knew each other. The conversation was going smoothly and you spent god knows how long talking about anything and everything.

Getting up from time to time to dance when a song you liked played.

You didn’t even order more drinks after that, too lost in the conversation to think about anything else.

Down Under by Men at Work was playing in the background as people still danced on the dance floor, the mix of sweat and alcohol slowly filling the air.

”I can’t believe that, how didn’t you tell us, my heart is breaking” Ochaco fake tries, clenching her chest.

Izuku hides his face and laughs “I couldn’t. It was a way too embarrassing moment to share with anyone.”

Mina throws her head back and laughs, and we all follow after her. She wipes a tear from her eye before continuing.

”I think it was the hardest i've ever laughed, I will never forget that scene” Izuku nudged her shoulder playfully and chuckled.

”So I heard from Kacchan you’re looking for a new place?” Izuku suddenly says.

We all turn our heads to them with a questioning look.

“Oh right that! Yeah my roommates are kicking me out for no reason” she leans back in her chair with an annoyed look.

”Seriously— What the hell is wrong with them?” you say revolted. What kind of roommates just kick you out like that you thought.

“The not so nice ones” she laughs “They’ve always been assholes but since it was a big house and they went out a lot, I thought it would be easy to avoid them and mind my own business.”

You sit here bewildered, wondering how she even managed to live more than a few days with these kinds of people. Living in a house where you always checked if there was someone home, not leaving your room when you wanted or needed to. Absolutely insane.

The girls and you quickly look at each other and nod with a small grin.

”You know me and the girls live together, and there's actually one bedroom we don’t use. Well, mostly, we only put random boxes in it or stuff we’re too lazy to put in the cave.” you say with a slight laugh.

Mina looks between you, Ochaco, and Himiko.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying? “ Mina leans forward, hands gripping the seat she was in.

You nod. “Come live with us!”

She gets up almost immediately and goes in for a big group hug, squeezing the breath out of your lungs. Jumping in circles screaming.

”Oh I can’t thank you guys enough. You genuinely just saved my life” she hugs you again, one by one this time.

It was an impulsive decision but you didn’t regret it one bit. Mina was a sweet and funny person and you knew she would bring even more wonderful energy in your shared apartment. You couldn’t wait until she was living with you all.

Two weeks later, she was ready to move in. All the papers were finally done after long days of waiting. For god knows what reason, the whole thing was a pain to do, and your landlord took an absurd amount of time to get everything done.

You just helped her put the last of her boxes into the room you had emptied and cleaned. Izuku also came and helped lift the heavier things she had brought with her.

”Your apartment looks so lovely, this is going to be amazing” she lifts her arms in the air in excitement.

You open your mouth to say something but are interrupted by the sound of your ringtone.

”Sorry let me take this” you smile leaving the girls to chat and making your way to your room.

You sit on your bed before answering.

”Hi Hanta” you grin.

”Hi hermosa” you can hear the smirk on his face as he speaks.

”Stop calling me that” you chuckle.

”Why would I if it’s true”

You roll your eyes and scoff.

”I can feel you rolling your eyes. Are you rolling your eyes?”

”No…”

”Liar.” he chuckles. “I was calling to ask if you were free today?”

”Today? Sorry Mina just moved in and we want to spend the evening together” you reply a bit sad about not getting to see him.

During these two weeks, you two grew closer, now eating lunch together every day, seeing him and the boys at practice when you were free and just hanging out around the campus or taking walks in the city.

You’ve now had your designed places when you hung out, sketching him out when he wasn’t looking.

It would be a lie to say that his little nicknames didn’t get to you and made you feel warm inside every time he spoke.

“Oh right! How about tomorrow?” He brought you out of your thoughts.

”Eager to see me huh” you tease.

”What can I say, I may like spending time with you” You can hear him slightly move on his bed.

”Tomorrow’s perfect. See you at?”

”Three. I’ll pick you up at three.”

”See you at three then Hanta” you smile while hanging up.

You let out a sight and continue smiling to yourself.

The rest of the evening was filled with laughter and music as all four of you sat on the couch. Watching movies and playing board games for hours before you all pass out from exhaustion.

You were convinced it was a good idea to offer Mina to move in and you were absolutely right.

The next morning you woke up before everyone else at around 11am. You get up slowly, careful as to not wake up the girls who were still sleeping. Ochaco had her head pressed on Himiko’s chest, one leg over her waist and Mina was using Ochaco’s back as a pillow.

You chuckled quietly at their weird position and made your way to the bathroom. Taking off your clothes you take a quick shower and make your way to your room to pick out an outfit for the day.

You scan through your closet and decide on a short white sweater, a black skirt and a large dark brown jacket. You put them on and add tights underneath with long white socks.

You went back to the bathroom and did a simple makeup, putting your hair in a hair clip.

Quietly, you go to the kitchen and make yourself some tea while waiting for Hanta.

After some time, you hear the doorbell and quickly put your boots on before grabbing your bag and opening the front door.

”Hi” you say slightly looking up at him.

”Hi” he smiles at you, looking you up and down, admiring your outfit.

“You look…very pretty.” he says as he tilts his head.

”So do you” I compliment him back.

Closing the door, you both make your way down to his car. You had no idea where he wanted to bring you. You kept asking him during the ride, but his mouth was sealed shut. You settled on turning on the radio and waiting until you arrived at his mysterious destination.

a/n a longer chapter for you guys this time ☝🏻

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #sero hanta x reader #sero x reader #mha x you #mha x reader #my hero academia #sero hanta #mina ashido #kirishima eijirou #ochaco uraraka #toga himiko #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya #denki kaminari #mha smau

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fitzrove · 3 months ago

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I went to see the Kaunas State Musical Theatre production of Elisabeth !!!!!! This was a super inventive and atmospheric non-replica version that I really enjoyed, so I’m writing down some rambly review thoughts down below.

(^ not the rudolf i saw - saw him as slutty lucheni kssk)

TL;DR - excellent production, very pretty, weird in thought-provoking ways. They never go the easy route on anything, it’s a dark fairytale!!! (Btw usually when people say that they mean it’s hot elisatod romance but I don’t mean that XD)

Table of Contents

1. Stage design / sets

2. Costumes

3. Orchestra and singing

4. Ensemble choreographies

5. Characters, relationships

STAGE DESIGN / SETS

RATING: 9/10

First of all - oh my god am I refreshed by a new production not looking like Schönbrunn/Vienna 2012 or like a bad copy of the Vienna original. In Kaunas, the whole colour palette is gothic, muted and dark, with lots of golds, browns and faded blues accented with red, white and gold light. We shift from scenes that look like a faded 19th century painting to dark ones with high contrast (the latter especially in the scenes with Death).

Instead of a file splitting the stage, there’s a kind of “ring” lit up at the edges (which changes colours) that lifts up to create an upper level, and descends to make a pool/mirror. There’s frameless mirrors on the walls, and the floor of the stage - to my knowledge, installed specifically for Elisabeth - can look wet or reflective depending on the scene. Characters sometimes see themselves in the mirror as they look at the floor. I’m not sure I’m explaining this properly but it looks really cool, I don’t really see many new productions go back to the ‘artifice’ and unreality themes reflected in the original set so it was cool to see!!! And of course, prop mirrors carried by the characters also sometimes appear.

There’s a screen at the back of the stage (above where the ring goes) that can be used for projections, and it’s used sparingly but to great effect. Often it’s just a black generally “wet” or fabric-y texture; during both Schattens there’s a misty grey graveyard that looks really cool; Hass is red; during Kitsch Lucheni has no props but we see funnily quick zooms into dinner plates with pictures of the Imperial family on them. It integrates very well into the more solid parts of the set!

Other solid setpieces include Death’s boat (a simple, non-ornate design out of a metallic-ish material with mysterious writing on it) that descends from the ceiling to take people away (no carriage here). It’s complemented by three similarly shaped vertical golden pieces, also with writing on them, which appear in scenes with court power dynamics present.

There’s also a big dark oval thing that appears a few times as a sort of threat from Death/to emphasise his presence. I like the boat more than the pieces, maybe because I don’t fully understand what the pieces mean heheh. I guess it adds to the “unknowable” vibes which I do enjoy, the set is generally very non-literal and symbolic which is cool. The movable parts of the set are extremely versatile: the same four dark pillar blocks can be used for almost any scene (coffee house, Boote in der Nacht, IGNM…) and fit it well, and Elisabeth’s coffin (seen in Prolog) becomes her bed (or some side table she was lying on as a prank XD) and then a garden table.

Another very visible part of the production are the portrait faces !! Members of the ensemble hold up historically accurate pictures of Elisabeth’s relatives (including Rudolf heheh…) with light-up edges during Prolog and Sinking World, which then change into a billion portraits of Elisabeth (which Lucheni can’t stand to see) at the point of each number when they sing her name. I like it so much, it was one of the things I knew about this production that made me interested enough to want to go watch it!

COSTUMES

RATING: 8/10

Disclaimer - I am a historical accuracy hater when it comes to Elisabeth costumes. Firstly, exact reproductions are creatively boring; secondly, it’s not the point of the show; thirdly, in many cases it’s simply not possible for theatres to put excessive resources into a costume seen in one or two scenes in a single show. State-owned repertory theatres in smaller countries reuse like crazy!! So that’s a disclaimer to start with hahaha. I want costumes to look good and make sense, not compare them to irl pictures ksksks.

I really liked Kaunas Elisabeth’s portrait dress, which also served as her Hungarian coronation dress :D It’s like a golden sparkle explosion sksks, which stands out very strongly from the rest of the stage and the simple brown and black dresses of other ladies present - it gets the point across. In general, Elisabeth is the only really colourful member of the cast with her white nightgown, dressing gown and (historically accurate xD) black and white ribbon outfit, which emphasise her uniqueness and isolation; she also wears a completely black outfit towards the end. Rudolf (both adult and child) and Franz Joseph have identical faded blue (coat) + light cream/white costumes (pants), which are SO much better looking than the overly saturated bright cyan things we’ve been seeing in some recent productions skkss.

I was initially sceptical of Death’s outfit (he never changes it save for covering up his tits with a scarf/towel thing when he’s playing doctor sksk) because it looks a lot like the pleather Schönbrunn outfit I don’t like :-D But it’s actually constructed completely differently!! The way the leather jacket falls makes it have more work uniform/ferryman vibes, and then for some slutty reason he has pants, a corset (?) and no shirt underneath XD I think it works, man chest is not my favourite aesthetic but it’s distinctive and fits the storytelling…

LOVED Lucheni’s outfit!! :D To me it’s meant to be basic and everyman-y and it definitely was here, BUT it’s lined with red everywhere inside (and the soles of his shoes are red too), and for reasons that will become apparent later, that made me insane. Also leather pants slay xD

Additionally, I really liked Sophie’s outfits and the Frau Wolf’s salon costumes, with golden hoop skirts that were open at the back. I especially liked the outfit of Frau Wolf herself omg, it’s a Prussian (I assume akaksk) uniform coat draped over the bodysuit+skirt combo that the girls wear. Looks so cool and I really like the idea and symbolism of that! also the frau wolfs I saw were really hot in their role skskksks, special mention here also to Elisabeth’s chief lady-in-waiting on the second day because dommy mo---

At first I was a bit annoyed at some of the ensemble costumes for lacking individual details (the ones in Vienna 92 have so much going on), but tbh the uniform look they went for with them (especially concerning colour palette) really emphasised Elisabeth’s isolation from the court and ordinary people, so I liked that. I guess I appreciate the outfits for how they come together to create the show, even if the individual ones aren’t crazy pretty to me or anything hahah. Although the ones for Elisabeth’s ladies-in-waiting had amazingly pretty bodice/corset parts!!

ORCHESTRA AND SINGING

10/10

I liked the orchestra, it was definitely more of a full “opera house” type sound which I find nicer than musicals with less-than-3-people “bands” lol. Sounded good!! A special note must also be made about the fact that the KSMT seems to cast more flexibly than bigger productions, which is great. I don’t like it when every performer has the same musical theatre/pop combo voice which is too common rn lol, it just seems boring to me. But we got a lot of fuller/lower female voices (than there usually are in musicals) and more operatic male voices in both leading roles and the ensemble, which made for a more interesting overall sound. It wasn’t too operatic either, just the right balance I think.

The soloists were seriously impressive!! Some crazy long notes in Schatten 1, an insane IGNM reprise opt-up from Elisabeth… I really enjoyed the performances despite not understanding any lyrics heheh.

ENSEMBLE / CHOREOGRAPHIES

7/10

I saw the show twice and didn’t like some of the ensemble choreographies first lmao. It’s a very operatic style of directing - the only “proper” dancing is Elisabeth and FJ waltzing, and a “Death’s shadows” dance group that accompanies him in a few numbers - with lots of simple, repeated arm and leg movements, either synchronized or in “waves”. For some songs it fits really well because of the melody - the coffee house scene and Hass come to mind, both were well done - but in others like Alle Fragen I was skeptical upon first viewing.

In Alle Fragen specifically there’s lots of extremely repetitive, non-synchronised crossing themselves, chest-beating (mea culpa), kneeling, etc. At first I found this a bit kitschy/weird, and didn’t really like it. However, I changed my mind when I visited a church the morning before show #2 and actually saw two guys do the exact same thing upon entering it!!!!!! It’s a reference to actual self-blessing rituals, at least among Lithuanian Catholics, which seems really inventive heheh - making a localized reference the main target audience would really notice/understand !!! So upon second viewing, I ended up liking it.

CHARACTERS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Probably the most important aspect heheh. In the two shows that I saw, Franz Joseph, Elisabeth, Sophie and several ensemble members were played by different performers each day, but Rudolf, Death and Lucheni were the same each time. Gonna ramble about each character one by one I guess kskssk.

The two Elisabeths I saw (Marija Arutiunova and Gabrielė Bielskytė) were very different!!! Gabrielė was a more “traditional” Elisabeth, a bit melancholy from the start and becoming further so as the story progresses. I enjoyed her performance a lot and her vocal performance was flawless. Marija, on the other hand, I was concerned about at first because she’s SO enthusiastic (almost annoyingly hahah) in “Wie du”, practically bouncing off the floor hahah. But that actually ended up working really well. A common worry people have about newer Elisabeth productions is that she comes across too innocent and Disney Princess-y; from the first number I was afraid that would happen, but to my surprise, that was not at all the case. She plays a really strong character arc and the Elisabeth of act 2 was practically unrecognisable to me from Elisabeth in act 1. She was so full of joy and life at the start and her environment just sucks all of that out of her!!! It’s such a cool way to play it and I ended up really liking that.

They do a really clever thing in “Prolog” and “Wie du”. Prolog has Elisabeth’s body on top of a stone coffin under a white sheet, as a setpiece. At the start of Wie du we find out that it was Elisabeth herself the whole time - she emerges from beneath the sheet and spooks her dad lmao. Something something symbolism and smooth scene transition XD

Much like Marija’s Elisabeth characterisation, I was also skeptical of the Elisatod in this production at first XD Especially with how Marija played it - again, enthusiasm. The blocking between them is occasionally very POTO music of the night skksks. BUT (as a known hater of romantic elisatod skks) the touchiness actually worked for me because of how Death was portrayed (more on that later) and also because of how their relationship played out.

Elisabeth, as a teenager, seems fascinated by death as some romanticised adventure (one among many other adventures to be had) - she’s not afraid of it, finds beauty in it, etc. A very realistically adolescent point of view, also present in Der Letzte Tanz (though it’s much less gentle this time)!! But by the time her first child dies (Schatten 1), it dawns on her how horrible and cruel and unfair death (Death?) can be - and this is perfectly portrayed by Death handing her a knife in this scene and acting as if it’s totally normal and he’s helping her somehow. She’s completely broken down and distraught while holding it and snaps out of it when FJ comes up to her and hugs her. Such a strong turning point!! And he offers her the knife several other times. Overall I really see this as a symbolic relationship (my favourite type), Death is not at all “some guy” but a personified concept that Elisabeth has a constantly changing relationship to.

Also - the prologue and the prelude to DSF (whenever the judge is speaking) have a young Elisabeth (literal child actress) coiling the “red string of fate” around her hands, mouthing along the judge’s lines. So neat!! In the prologue, Death descends in his boat because she slowly pulls him in (he’s holding the string in his hand). And right before Lucheni goes to stab the older Elisabeth, the child stops him by laughing in his face… mm crunchy symbolism >:) he’s haunted heheh

Death himself (Egidijus Bavikinas) is a weirdo XD I called him “silly rabbit” at intermission and the name stuck aksksksl. He’s good at his job (quite kind to people when they die) but doesn’t really get most human concepts even though he sings Rondo and says in the prolog that he loved Elisabeth ksks. He’s a bit outraged/genuinely surprised when Elisabeth marries FJ, and genuinely perplexed when Elisabeth doesn’t kill herself despite repeated friendly suggestions skksks. He doesn’t seem ever to do cruel things intentionally, he’s just there to put people on his boat (except Rudolf for some reason skks). I think my interpretation of him might be slightly impeded by not understanding the lyrics - he just seems aloof (in a neutral, non-mean way) even at moments when I know he’s singing stuff like “you love me more than you love your husband” hahah. But yeah, I think he’s fine, he sings well and is occasionally unintentionally funny which entertains me enough.

Lucheni is a SLUT xD Martynas Beinaris normally plays Rudolf but has apparently been mainly Lucheni for quite a bit now, and I had him as Lucheni both times. I guess the right word is “flamboyant”, very energetic and with lots of flair, it was always a great joy to watch him go. I liked the way he says “Death” in the prologue skls, seems a bit obsessed… And of course, I can’t not mention the ending of the show!!!!!!! Elisabeth and Death get into Death’s boat together, it starts to lift up, and slowly we see that Lucheni has hanged himself with the red thread of fate that binds the two, and his last act is to reach up towards the boat, eternally unable to join them…………. the symbolism… gay repression... or something… love it!! (Reminder that Lucheni has red all over the more hidden parts of his costume… red inner linings of the coat, red soles… the gay repression interpretation writes itself skskls. Obsessed)

Franz Joseph is there adlskks. He was very good both days, I liked a moment the second day (with Raimondas Baranauskas) between him and Elisabeth when they almost hold/touch hands after Rudolf dies :’) and he was very excited to hang out with Elisabeth kssk, he’s just giggling and running around in Bad Ischl which was pretty fun (though he puts on the imperial mask pretty quickly after).

The FJ and Sophie relationship was soo well drawn! There was a symbolic thing where he gets dressed in the lead-up to “Jedem gibt er das seine” - attendants do the rest, but she puts white gloves on him as she tells him to be cold and hard. In Bellaria, he angrily takes his gloves off and throws them on the floor; Death picks them up and wears them to lead her offstage, perhaps as a form of comfort? Really cool!

Rudolf (Jurgis Jarašius) is my meow meow… he takes one big swig of a wine bottle during the song right before Schatten 2 and then falls facedown on the floor and has to be picked up by Death (indirectly - Death makes his shadow angel people put their hands all over Rudolf to do group bondage on him two separate times skslls, yay xD). After Schatten he falls on his face again and FJ walks up to him singing to him (Rudolf I’m so angry with you) and looks vaguely disappointed WHILE RUDOLF IS STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR and Rudolf has to slowly get up while FJ disapproves kskslsl. He has big fluffy hair and he’s gay but doesn’t want to know what that is and is vaguely scared of it skksks, just has weird obsessive feelings about tits out leather coat man (he stares a lot and tries to run to him, leans in as if wanting to get closer, but Death keeps rebuffing him and tossing him away skks). The todolf is weird and indirect in this production, there’s a quick kiss that lands somewhere in the cheek-lip area ksksks and a repeat of the head-hug/caress that Death does to Elisabeth. It’s weird and freaky and kind of cool lmao. After Rudolf shoots himself, Death closes his eyes for him, which is a pretty sweet moment. Also on the second day he was rage-weeping during Spiegel which I really like.

The Mayerling staging in this production is great!! After Spiegel, Rudolf tries to run out of the room but is blocked by a mirror (held by one of Death’s shadows); he tries again, but one by one the mirrors surround him from all sides and he’s just stuck in this small narrow space with nowhere to go, just forced to face himself over and over. Very piercing and accurate allegory for mental illness!!! Enjoyed. Put him in the torment nexus heheheh

I guess that’s all of my most important thoughts… :D Will add if I think of something else!

#elisabeth kaunas #elisabeth das musical #musicals #theatre #review #elisabeth lithuania #actors #meta #my stuff #my writing #der tod #kronprinz rudolf

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summerofofelia · 3 months ago

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My BL faves of 2024

We’re coming to the end of 2024 and so I’m reflecting on all the BLs I watched. I went through a major GMMTV phase in the middle of the year because I was super sad about life and distracted myself by going, “hey, what if I watched all the GMMTV BLs chronologically?” And for some reason I was like Yes. That sounds like a Good Idea. I ended up watching 21 and a half (the half is Cupid’s Last Wish lol).

But if we’re talking about actual BLs released in 2024 that I watched, here are my faves:

Favourite 2024 BL -

Four Minutes

What I loved about Four Minutes is that it existed in the morally grey. It dwelt in the cracks between black and white. It was told through the eyes of dying men reliving their deepest regrets and imagining themselves to be softer, better men.

The sex scene in episode 4 is my favourite sex from all the BLs I’ve watched this year. The juxtaposition between the dark, ugly world Great and Tyme find themselves in and the tenderness with which they treat each other in that moment is beautiful. And the fact that it was Great’s reimagination makes it so tragic.

Four Minutes ripped my heart out, played volleyball with it, stamped on it several times for good measure then shoved it back into my chest. And I thanked them for it.

I know that as the show ran its course, opinions began to divide, but for me, the only “bad” thing about it was that it was only eight episodes long.

Also the lighting design was *chef’s kiss*

My Top 5 BLs of 2024:

1. Four Minutes

2. My Stand-In

3. The Time of Fever

4. See Your Love

5. Century of Love

Favourite non-2024 BL:

My Personal Weatherman

Non-2024 runner ups:

Tale of a Thousand Stars (the scene where Tian tries to count all the stars broke me)

Dark Blue Kiss (I stand with my cancelled wife Pete)

Comfort rewatches:

History 3: Trapped

Bad Buddy

The Eclipse

And now for the awards…

Best Kiss - San & Vee (Century of Love, episode 1)

Special mention - Hotae & Donghui (The Time of Fever, episode 4)

Best Sex Scene - Great and Tyme (Great’s redo, episode 4) (4 Minutes)

Best “Alternative” Sex Scene - San’s wet dream (the one where Vee was an evil sexy nine tailed fox) (Century of Love)

Special mention - Fadel “taking care of himself” (The Heart Killers)

Best Health Code Violation - Oab and Plawan (This Love Doesn’t Have Long Beans)

Most Unhinged Babygirl - Ming (My Stand-In)

Poorest Little Meow Meow - Fadel (The Heart Killers)

Special mention - Great (Four Minutes)

Best Side Couple Give This Pairing Their Own Show Right Now No Seriously I’m Not Kidding GIVE IT - Fan x Tang/Aou x Boom (We Are)

Best Couple That Had Me, A Grown Ass Woman, Squealing And Kicking My Feet At 1am - Sean & Shaopeng (See Your Love)

Best BL That Made Me Feel So Soft And Warm But Also Shattered Me - The Time of Fever

Best BL I Watched Hunched Over On My Phone In The College Library Because I Couldn’t Wait To Get Home And Watch It Every Week - Jack & Joker

Best In The Context Of A BL I’ll Roll With It But If A Dude Did This In Real Life I’d Be Like BOY BYE - Methas buying JJ’s place of work like it’s no big deal (big yikes) (This Love Doesn’t Have Long Beans)

But let us not cast real world judgment on fictional characters. It ruins the vibes.

Best Okay This Isn’t A BL But My God This Ship Made Me Discover New Colours I Didn’t Know Existed - Zhao Yuanzhou and Zhou Yichen (Fangs of Fortune)

Most Tragic Case Of Second Lead Syndrome - Su Yin (Meet You At The Blossom)

Best Somebody Get HR On The Phone NOW - Elyes and Pat (Bad Guy My Boss)

Best Use Of Height Difference - Sean & Shaopeng (See Your Love)

And finally the very special award for Holy Shit My Life Will Never Be The Same, This Series Has Changed The Trajectory Of My Entire Existence goes to…

Word of Honor and The Untamed (don’t ask me to choose they both made me feel the full spectrum of human emotion)

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sunnysam-my · 1 year ago

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It's ironic almost that Viv shoves "rep" into her shows and went out of her way to include a deaf child at an adult sex circus show for said "rep" but like. Fuck people with visual disabilities right? Because neither of those shows have considered how people with colorblindness or even mild visual impairment might not be able to even WATCH the shows with how bad their colour balancing is.

Viv has completely ignored that having unique designs and color palettes for your world and characters is not only basic design for cartoons but also how you maybe your show accessible to those who struggle visually

Funny you ask me that, I actually already made a post about that signing scene and distracting captioner's notes, because I have a hearing disorder and wanted to add my two cents.

I can't get over the fact the it wasn't a teenager around the age Fizz was when he went to that show with Blitzø. I genuinely can't think why they decided to have a young child be the fan other than it being more wholesome because it was a child.

Think for a second about why this scene there. Fizz was spiraling, consumed by thoughs of not being enough and being a "fake, sellout jester". He himself was a disabled teenager who wanted to be the greatest clown of his times. He ended up as a fake, sellout jester, just like Blitz said. But he saw himself in that kid. He saw for who really he wanted to perform. I don't think it would be as impactful to him if it was regular imp, but this would make infinitely more sense, on so many levels, if this was a teenager. But no, we gotta have a freaking child, because it's just way more cuter that way, right? I genuinely don't understand what other possible reasons for why this was a child, and not a teenager, could be.

I'm also still not over the fucking captions. I had problems with following what was happening in S02E06 of Helluva Boss, because of weirdly described sounds and big chunks of captioner's notes and jokes. That's unacceptable.

The irony of literally being an asshole to deaf/HoH people by purposeful fucking up the caption, the thing we rely on to be able watch a show, only to "give" a representation to said group next episode is almost funny.

But going back to the visuals, yes, it's so hard to watch. HB is better than Hazbin, but both aren't great if you have any sort of vision disorder, and this is coming from someone who just have the regular stuff, shortsightedness, astigmatism etc. The legally blind and colourblind folks must have it hard. HH is a joke when it comes to any sort of contrast. Even if they decided to stick to red(-ish) colours, there's still so much shades to work with. It isn't a impossible to make monochromatic art. In fact it's actually a popular training tool for young artists to learn how to do it even when you have more colours.

Here's some examples of monochromatic and mostly monochromatic art done right.

Now compare one of them with a screenshots from HH, both without saturation (black and white).

Hazbin Hotel isn't even monochromatic and fails miserably at any contrast. So no, it isn't just the problem of lack of hue (colour) differentces, it overall just failed at colour and contrast balancing, especially in the hotel, and there's no defending HH on this, because you have three sliders god damnit!

#hazbin hotel critique #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critical #disability representation #disability pride #disability #art #helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism #vivziepop #vivziepop critical #hazbin hotel #helluva boss

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daisy-daze17 · 8 months ago

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Omori Manga Thoughts cause it was uhhh

OK so like. The thing is I only got into the omori fandom in February of this year so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

1. I'm mostly a fan of the art style-- a lot of people said that Sunny always seems to have a panicked expression so it's hard to read into him, plus the characters look a lot younger than they're supposed to (Which I find odd). But other than that, I think it does a really good job representing the scarier parts with very abstract drawings of Mari/Something. They coloured it well and thank god did Kel's skintone right. There is one particular panel that I especially love:

So much detail and it captures the feeling of seeing faraway for the first time really well ^^

Some nitpicky positive thoughts:

Sunny could have looked more distinct from Omori because the only difference I see are their outfits. Maybe make Sunny's features softer and have less contrasting values so we can see an immediate difference.

I like how they did everyone's eyes-- Sunny/Omori's are just dull and black, and everyone else with dark eyes are shown to have a light in them. (Just a nice detail i appreciated)

I like how Omori is clearly less expressive compared to sunny, but I think Sunny could have benefitted from having more emotions than surprised/blushing.

2. The pacing was weird. like really fucking weird. The basic structure of the game Omori is: Omori is in whitespace -> Omori plus the gang (Hero, Aubrey and Kel) meet up with Basil and Mari in headspace -> everyone minus Mari goes to Basil's house and learn all the combat stuff along the way -> after fixing the photo album it suddenly shifts to basil in a panicked state before glitching you back into white space again. The moment when basil shifts the mood from calm to terrifying is REALLY important.

It forces the new tone on you very suddenly and also sets up a lot of mystery surrounding Mari when Basil can't finish what he was going to say about her. By now we know that something is very wrong and it has to do with Mari, but we don't know what.

The manga is kind of all over the place the whole time. First we see the christmas scene when Sunny gets his violin. But then Mari does her whole nightmare thing and we know somethings up from the first few pages. Next we wake up at night as Sunny in the real world... yet it shows the little "THREE DAYS LEFT" as well? At this point I was super confused because basically the entire nighttime sequence is shown through a sort of montage with Sunny's mom's voice message in the background before transitioning into the day when Kel first knocks on the door. A cool thing they did was parallel Kel's knocking with the creepy knocking we get from Mari Something. HOWEVER for reasons unknown they just completely cut out the fight against something on the stairs??

Something I was really excited about was seeing how they would integrate the combat into the manga. And they do it later with the Aubrey fight (more on that later), but not now? So now I'm wondering if they'll include Sunny's three fears that he has to overcome.

So next we find our boy (KEL!!!!!) and he is asking Sunny if he wants to come to Hobbies. I did find the dialogue here pretty awkward as Kel bounced back and forth in demeanor, but that's to be expected since Sunny isn't talking. (And I appreciate how he shows some kind of reaction to seeing one of his best friends after 4 years lol)

I mean compared to this when he just jumps straight into his hobbez idea without much reaction to actually seeing Sunny lol.

The most notable thing after this is the Aubrey confrontation with Basil and the other hooligans. I DONT KNOW WHY but they chose to not show the hooligans in that scene!! The hooligans are aubrey's little gang/posse who she hangs around with all the time and the people we always see when she's bullying Basil.

It's very important to note that Basil is talking to KIM here. He starts the conversation begging for her to tell Aubrey to give the photo album back. Aubrey is actively ignoring his attempts to get it back, with basil claiming "She won't listen to me."

In the manga she appears out of seemingly no where and proceeds to beat Basil directly with her bat. Prior to this we get no setup or explanation as to why Aubrey's attacking him or what the situation is. WORST OF ALL, It's only Aubrey alone attacking him and NOT her gang of the Hooligans. The hooligans are important in showing us just how isolated and ostracized from society Basil really is after Aubrey began bullying him. He literally has a whole gang of kids who call him a creep and attack him regularly. Here it seems like Aubrey is insane and is just beating him selfless for kicks. (not that I'm justifying Aubrey's behavior in the game, but the lack of context makes this situation even worse.)

I think It's also important to bring up how they switched around the order of events because in this situation, it's not working. We're supposed to first be introduced to younger Aubrey and Basil in headspace-- their younger counterparts. Aubrey is strong-willed and excitable and Basil is calm and kind. And most importantly-- they're VERY GOOD FRIENDS. So seeing Aubrey revealed to have been bullying him these past 4 years shocks the player and makes them understand how much things have really changed. Doing it the other way around will automatically villainize DW Aubrey since we already know what goes on in real life.

And then something interesting happens-- Sunny blacks out during the fight and returns to Headspace. This is SUPER weird as we've only ever seen Sunny go into headspace while sleeping, because it's an escape mechanism he uses to avoid The Truth. Does this mean he isn't aware he goes into headspace unwillingly sometimes? And what does this mean for the continuation of the real world story? Are we going to go through the entire Space Boy quest just to get back to that scene?

Anyway, I'm interested to see how they take it from here. Maybe they'll do a continuous switchover to the real world where they jump between it more frequently. But I question what that would mean for the timeline because the events of headspace happen in between the three days while Sunny is sleeping-- so he can't be in two places at the same time. Maybe they'll write more and more random ways for Sunny to black out to do this?? They defiantly are trying to take a step back from following the game exactly. I can't say I don't like it because I don't know how it'll turn out, so I'm excited for chapter 2!

#omori #omori manga #omori analysis #omori sunny #omori basil #omori fanart #omori game #omori aubrey #omori kel #omocat #omori mari #omori omori

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god-has-entered-my-body · 10 months ago

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can i just also. sorry for spamming your inbox. ignore me omg i'm sorry but. marking him up all pretty. with lipstick or even fucking sharpie i don't care. writing things like 'whore' across his chest because. that's what he is. then taking pictures. pathetic. yes yes. i forgot which colour my heart emoji was but yes it is i. god.

thoughts thoughts thinking too many thoughts

okay so scene: you're perched on top of him while he's laying down, grinding down onto his leaking cock and he's whimpering and moaning below you, eyes screwed shut in torturous pleasure.

The look on his face when you quite literally rip his shirt off him is priceless, the pretty fabric tearing down the front as you let your hands feel his heart beat in his chest. "Just- stay still while i work on you, yeah?" Matty nods quickly, eyes glazed over as you move on top of him, sending sparks of pleasure up his spine.

The tube of lipstick is a deep purple, contrasting his skin in a way that made your head spin, the product smearing slightly as it glides along his chest spelling out a single word across it.

"Whore." adorns his chest, standing out like white against black as Matty whimpers under your touch, his hips bucking up to meet your core, the pressure to your clit making a small gasp escape you. You apply the purple color to your lips, bending down to press kisses all over his neck and chest, decorating him like your little art project.

With every movement you make, Matty moans in response, biting his lips between his teeth as you cover his body in lip prints, smiling when you pull back to admire your work. "Wanna see how pretty you look baby? Want me to take a picture for you?" Matty's eyes grow wide as you reach over to the nightstand and grab your polaroid camera, pointing it at him.

"Please- fuck. I love you so much darling, so fucking perfect." Matty whines, arching his back in response to you grinding your hips down once again, his head thrown back in pure bliss.

"Smile, baby." you whisper, quickly moving off his cock to palm him as you snap the picture, the flash illuminating Matty's face in full. His eyes are wet with tears of ecstasy, his skin glistening with sweat as the light reflects off his chest, the deep purple traces of lipstick even more prominent than before.

Letting the polaroid develop for a few seconds, you coo praises into his ear as he begs for release, twitching in your grasp. Once the picture is visible, you take a glance at it, your heart rate picking up when you then throw it to the side, focusing all of your attention on Matty.

You let your mouth kiss his collarbones, then his chest, then the pretty tattoo on his left hip bone lower, lower, lower.... xx

#look at me on a rolllllll #hope u guys like this new format please pretty please tell me if this is okay for yall instead of full fics!!!#anon x #the 1975 #matty healy #mpind matty #matty healy fanfiction #matty the 1975 #matty healy imagine #matty healy x reader #matty healy smut #matty healy fic #matty healy x you #the 1975 fanfiction #the 1975 fanfic #the 1975 smut #drive like i do

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infinitelymint · 10 days ago

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Would you say Violet is a unreliable narrator in "god rest my soul"?

It seems like everyone is semi confused on why Violet is acting the way she does (eg. Garrick), but I'd think Tairn would have also said something...

To a certain extent, absolutely! Not on purpose, but she isn’t a mind reader (hehe) so what we read is her interpretation of events and other people’s actions and motivations. And on top of that, she’s seeing everything through her depression and through some preconceived notions that might or might not be a bit misguided. There is definitely an element of seeing what she expects to see rather than consider if there might be an alternative explanation or interpretation. I think the opening scene with Garrick is a good example of this - the things she concludes about him and his thoughts about her, are they actually true? Or is she misinterpreting/projecting?

So I wouldn’t say that she’s unreliable in the sense that what we read isn’t what she is experiencing, because it definitely is. She’s just also offering us her interpretation of it, and that isn’t always right (or at least not always as black and white as she is making it seem). I also don’t think that her depression coloured glasses offer all that much nuance. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t justified in feeling like she does, though - you know?

#god rest my soul (i miss who i used to be)

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drizzleoftherain · 8 days ago

Text

Liturgia

Chapter 8: Emotional Landscapes They Puzzle Me. The Riddle Gets Solved, and You Push Me to This State of Emergency

Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice

Ao3

Author's note: I will be making a reference back to this song and the scene it belongs to. I think if you want to understand the emotional aspect of their conversation then please look through the lyrics/reread the scene in chapter 3, the new scene will be endlessly richer this way.

There’s a playlist and a mood-board.

Saturday, May 3rd. New York City

“Don’t let go!” Ava shrieked as the wheels at the front of the skateboard bounced up sending her backwards.

Beatrice held her by both her hands, standing absolutely still, both feet planted firmly on the concrete floor below them. “I’m not going to let you go, I promise!” Ava’s hands were clammy from both the afternoon heat and fear of being on top of the board, but that was not going to keep Beatrice from keeping her word.

They began to shoot the rest of the video straight out of the airport. With both of them just having time for a quick change of clothing, something more practical for the weather in New York City. She had on a red linen stripe shirt that fell loosely on her torso and denim shorts. Ava wore the same colour Corduroy overalls that cut off mid thigh with a loose cotton white t-shirt. And their hiking boots were replaced with comfortable black Chucks.

Levy and Alice stood around watching them from across the street where the crew all gathered. They were now shooting the portion of the music video that involved the couple spending time with one another and showing that the relationship had turned serious.

They had already shot several scenes earlier in the morning going through a farmers market, where they interacted with the different popup shops and ate biscuits and brownies. And also having a picnic in Central Park, where Ava had rushed to every dog on their morning walk for some head scratches.

She had filmed a few scenes skating down a street with a different set of clothing. The post-breakup clothing was more moody, representing the inner sadness of the character, but Beatrice couldn’t even manage to pull off sadness with Ava nearby. Every time she tried to appear like a tortured soul Ava would make a silly face, instantly ruining the shot for her. And it must have happened enough times because Alice had to literally grab her by the ear like a child and drag her away.

And now, they were pretty much wrapping up whatever this was with the skateboard, which wasn’t originally part of the story, but Ava got curious looking at Beatrice do it so flawlessly which made her want to try it herself.

“Just put your left foot forward.” She indicated with her foot, tapping the top of the deck, “Here.”

Ava did as instructed, wiggling a little in place, eyes intensely on Beatrice out of fear of looking down. “You say that like it's the easiest thing to do.”

“No, I know it’s not easy, but you have to do it if you want to learn.” She was pulling Ava now, slowly and carefully, ‘You have to trust me, I won’t let go.”

“I do!” The board shifted forward suddenly, Ava gripped her hands even tighter. A pain shot through her left hand, but she bit down, muffling whatever yelp was about to come out. “I trust you.”

(*)

And I never

Saw you coming

And I'll never

Be the same

She stopped moving, coming to Ava’s side, “Okay, flex your knees and find your center.”

“Okay.”

“Balanced?”

“I think so.”

“I’m going to push you forward.”

“WHAT!”

She walked behind Ava, hands coming to her waist. “Stay balanced!”

Ava nodded, adjusting her feet more firmly on the board.

“One…two…thre–”

“WAIT!” The hands around Ava’s waist freeze instantly. Ava’s eyes bore into hers, “You’ll catch me if I fall, right?”

“You’re not going to fall.”

“How can you possibly know that!”

“One…two…”

“Oh my God!”

“Three!” She pushed slightly with enough force for Ava to cover a meter or two of the street. Ava flexed her knees, and by some miracle was still on the board as it came to a stop. “You did it!” she rushed forward grabbing a hold of Ava’s waist again.

It wasn’t long until the arms settled around her neck and Ava bounced off the board. “I did it!” Ava slid down, feet landing on the floor, then they disentangled and Beatrice leaned down to pick up the skateboard.

“We need you guys to change for the next shot.” Levy yelled, their post-breakup clothing already thrown around his body, like a helpless mannequin.

The instructions were clear, they would walk on opposite sides of the streets going about their lives. The camera was situated in the middle of the street and was being pulled by a dolly backwards. The shot was supposed to represent them no longer being part of each other's lives, and seemingly moved on without sparing each other a glance. They shot it a few times, with neither looking towards each other, but something didn’t sit right with Beatrice.

After the scene was finished, they looked through. The thought of not having Ava look in her direction kept circling in her mind. That after everything, not being part of each other's lives was unnerving. It was close enough to correlate to their current predicament and she didn’t want that out there in the universe, even if it was fake.

“What if they looked at each other?” it was Ava who spoke up though, clearly as feeling as agitated as she did.

Alice chanced a glance between them before running a hand across her forehead. “I thought the whole point of the end was that they both moved on.” By now she knew Alice well enough to know the sentence was loaded with inference to her and Ava.

It was what Beatrice had originally wanted for the ending of the music video, but that deliberation now seemed rushed and poorly thought out. Like many things recently, it seemed. “We can change it.”

You come around and the armor falls

Pierce the room like a cannonball

Now all we know is don't let go

Ava smiled, already grabbing ahold of her hand and leading them back to their places for a reshoot. This time, as the camera pulled backwards, at the very last second both of them looked in the direction of one another, leaving the ending of the video ambiguous.

They’ve stopped for lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant. Levy and Alice are across from her and Ava. Everyone's mouths are full of noodles and there has barely been any time for conversation. They’ve all ordered beef pho and a few side dishes to hold them over until the end of the shoot tonight.

She’s finding it increasingly difficult not to be endeared by Ava’s chipmunk cheeks and the stray noodle poking out of her lips. “Biiifff iifff sooofff goood!” Ava says mouth full but with such delight that she has to look away.

Levy looks in Ava’s direction, giving her a squeamish look before setting his eyes on Beatrice. “We need to do the last fittings tomorrow and coordinate the thing.”

“Waff fffing?”

“Ava, I am not your assistant. As much as you would like to continue to burden me with your petty requests, I am unfortunately all booked out after today.”

“It has honestly been so nice having you around, Levy.” Alice retorted, in a teasing tone. “I can honestly say it’s been a blessing not having to cater to Ava’s every whim.”

“Yeah, well, I’m spent and no longer wish to be at the mercy of that fiend over there.” Levy recoiled as Beatrice kicked him underneath the table.

Ava turned from her bowl, cheeks still full of food. “Heeeeyffff!”

“Will you guys be just as busy tomorrow?” She’s asking more for conversation than anything else. She’s had Ava’s schedule on her phone for months. She knows Ava will be doing her final fitting tomorrow with Iris Van Herpen before they all make their Met Gala appearance Monday afternoon, on fashion’s biggest night.

The Met Gala boasts the world’s biggest stars and models. It is an extremely sought after event. Usually, only people who are deemed culturally relevant to contemporary society are invited. Robert Wun was their benefactor and Iris Van Herpen was Ava’s. It’s an annual event held on the first Monday in May, marking the opening of the Costume’s Institute yearly fashion exhibit. This year's theme for the attire was ‘Edacity’, and its excessive desire for wealth, power and possession. The band had interpreted the theme differently though. Focusing on over-consumption and its detrimental nature all around them, a sentiment shared by their designer.

It’s Alice who answers, “We’re doing some interviews in the morning and in the afternoon doing the final fitting.” She bites into a chicken skewer and continues, “There’s also like a get ready with me kinda thing happening with Vogue, which will be frustrating to maneuver, but I’m hoping I can scare off the junior reporter before they get too comfortable.”

“What about you guys?” Ava is looking at her expectantly.

Levy answers though, “I’m already dreading it, it’s going to be a whole day affair with them. I don’t know how I signed up to assist five people!” Alice and him glance at the final skewer before shoving each other for it momentarily. Levy loses. He huffs in place regaining his composure and continues, “I’ll be surprised if one of them doesn’t murder a seamstress.” He glares in Alice’s direction, threateningly.

Alice bites into the skewer mischievously before asking, “Will this be your first time going, Levy?”

He answers, the same glare adorning his features, “First and probably last,” which is then shifted to Beatrice in the same threatening manner.

She kicks him under the table again. “Levy! Why don’t you eat your pho!?”

His scowl deepens further as he lowers himself to rub the injured leg. “I’m feeling very persecuted right now! I’ll eat my pho and mourn what you will all take from me soon enough. I will soon be banished from the Met Gala forevermore.”

She shifts to face Ava and Alice, “Ignore him, he’s being a drama queen.” Then, pushes the bowl closer to him testily.

“I prefer Primadonna.”

(*)

“ Primadonna giiiiiirl, yeaaaah! ” Ava sang to Levy who stuck out his tongue. “ All I ever wanted was the world, I can’t help that I need it all—”

“ The primadonna life, the rise and faaaaaaaall. ” Alice joined, poking at his shoulders.

He rolled his eyes and acquiesced, but couldn’t help but join in as well, “ You say that I’m kinda difficult— ”

“You are!” Beatrice points in his direction.

“But it’s always someone else’s fault!” He retorts indignantly, pointing back at Beatrice.

Something catches Ava’s eyes though because her hands reach for Beatrice’s left hand, alarmed. Ava is running her fingers across the top of her hand, where Beatrice had previously applied makeup. An angry purple bruise is revealing itself to everyone at the table with each rub. “What—“ the words die in Ava’s mouth, she must have realised. “The taxi?”

Beatrice nods. The bruise had been easy to ignore the day after since it was green and slowly spreading across the top of her hand, but today it was a deep purple, running along the length of her hand and into her fingers. She had been applying makeup throughout the day in the hopes that it wouldn’t come through in the music video.

“Yeah, that probably needs a retouch once we go back to the shoot,” Levy says, while looking through his satchel. “I thought maybe I had something here.”

“You knew?” Ava sounds upset, with a cadence that Beatrice now recognises as Ava’s protective tone. Her eyebrows have drawn down and she’s looking at the bruise again. She continues to rub at it as if it would magically disappear. Her eyes go from Levy to Beatrice, and Beatrice knows the table’s mood has shifted instantly because Alice is anxiously looking between Levy, Ava and her. “Why didn’t you have this looked at? We’ve had time.” Ava is looking at her as if it’s just the two of them at the table.

“It’s fine, it’ll just take a few days to clear up.” She’s hoping this is enough for Ava to release her hand and control her emotions in front of Levy.

“It’s not fine, look at your bruise, Beatrice.” Both their eyes look down in sync, the bruise somehow growing bigger and more purple in front of them.

“I–nothing’s broken. It…it just hurts.”

Ava is pulling Beatrice’s hand even closer now, she seems to want to do something, but thinks better of it, face retracting slightly away from the hand. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“What? Kept you from hitting your head?”

“Yes.” Ava breathes out, eyes going to Levy accusingly, “Has she been taking pain medication?”

Levy lifts his brows unsure if he should make a run for it, or not. “I asked this morning, but she refused. She’s very hard headed.”

She somehow couldn’t tear her eyes from Ava’s, which were now looking at her with concern, “Beatrice.”

There’s something in the way that Ava had just said her name that makes her squirm instantly. Like, she’s messed up. “Medication would have just made me drowsy. I needed to think about the video.”

Ava extended her free hand to Alice, who without any kind of communication grabbed her backpack and procured two pills from a small, clearly labeled medication box. Ava grabbed the pills and deposited them in Beatrice’s right hand before saying, “Nom nom.” And after one fiery look, the pills were swallowed.

“Don’t say nom nom to Beatrice in that context or any other context in the future.” Levy was staring, hard. “Preferably never again in front of me.”

These are the hands of fate

You're my Achilles’ heel

This is the golden age of something good and right and real

As night descended upon New York City and the afternoon rain cleared, the street lights slowly came on reflecting against the rain puddles gathered on the street. They had switched to their ‘breakup date outfits’ which were meant to be more of an Autumn vibe. Ava wore a plaid skirt with a white sweater, and a navy coat. Meanwhile, she wore black pants with a cream turtleneck, and a beige houndstooth jacket.

The crew plus Levy and Alice stood outside the restaurant, cameras ready to take the shot of them angrily leaving through the front door. Ava went first pushing the door into her, and she followed eyes downcast. It only took one take for the door scene. Ava was apparently very good at situational acting, unlike her, but she kept her face down and pretended to be some kind of sad.

They were meant to walk to the nearby alley where they would film an argument between the couple. This was the part of the music video that concerned her. It would be the first time that both of them would hear the song together. Up to this point they had shot all the scenes without the music.

The first verse of the song began to play as she joined Ava in the alley.

She was not the kind of person to hate the sound of her own voice, but right now it was giving her secondhand embarrassment. The lyrics were suddenly unpleasant and cringy in front of Ava. Who was looking at her sadly, the song clearly having an affect on her.

Every time I start to believe in anything you're saying

I'm reminded that I should be gettin' over it

“Ready whenever you guys are,” The director spoke from beside the camera operator.

Looking off camera, Ava tensed her shoulders and swung back to face her, tears already welling up in her eyes. “Why can’t you just trust me?” Ava uttered brokenly. “Nothing happened between us. We just ran into each other on the 7 train the other day and got to talking. I didn’t even think about it later. That’s why I didn’t mention it to you.”

“Right. You conveniently forgot to mention that you ran into your ex, the one you almost married, the one that got away. I saw the way you looked at each other just now.”

Good. They were going through their lines perfectly. Just a few more seconds of seeing Ava like this and then it’ll all be over. They can go back to not listening to this song, preferably never again. To not have to relive this weird breakup they’ve conjured for the music video. Because as much as she wanted to say that it wasn’t affecting her, it was. It was getting too close to being an argument she’s had in her head for weeks now, which she’s stowed far in the hopes it went away, much like the angry green monster that sometimes bubbled inside her.

“I am with YOU. Don’t you trust me? Why is it your default to always mistrust me? You’re twisting the truth to fit into some illusion in your head. Why is your self worth so low that you think I would cheat on you?” Ava went off script on the last sentence.

What the fuck was that? That wasn’t part of their script. They were meant to just keep going with the whole cheating thing until Ava walked away.

“My–my self worth?” Her eyes skimmed Ava’s back and forth for any kind of explanation.

“Are you really that in your head about everything that you would much sooner sacrifice this than be happy?” Her stomach dropped. This was real. Ava was actively speaking to her about their relationship. She remained silent, too slow to keep up with Ava’s emotions. “I can’t keep doing this.”

She needs to go back to the lines, she needs to get them back on script. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“It’s what you want isn’t it? You just don’t want to say it.” Ava doesn’t go back to the script, she turns from Beatrice and begins to walk back to the street, where the camera pans to her.

Beatrice belatedly remembers her line again as she rushes after Ava, “Please don’t do this. Don’t leave.”

Ava continues to walk away.

“CUT” The director yells, already shifting to watch the replay. They’re perfectly still for what seems like ages. “We need a few close up shots of just Ava as she’s walking away.”

Ava turns to the alley again, eyes on the paved floor.

An assistant grabs her by the arm pulling her away from the shot. As they continue to record, she can see the tears have run down Ava’s cheeks and her eyes are red and puffy. Her whole body aches to go to her, but she remains rooted to the spot. Staring where Ava had stood. Suddenly she felt the wind come up, a chill ran down her spine, the weather had taken a turn. Beatrice wrapped the jacket tighter around herself. Feeling colder and colder by the minute like the warmth had been stolen from her.

Levy unexpectedly appeared next to her, clapping her awkwardly on the shoulder “You did good, Descartes. That was heartbreaking to watch. In the best way. Come sit down while we wait to wrap up.” Levy began leading her away, pulling at her elbow. “Stop nibbling your lips! Where’s the damn lip balm? I will not have you embarrassing me at the Met Gala with your chapped lips!”

—

Beatrice has been pacing the hallway outside her hotel room for the past thirty minutes, and she knows it’s Beatrice because she looked through the peephole after the first few sounds of footsteps. And she knows it’s been at least thirty minutes because that’s how long she’s been standing by the door. For what? She doesn’t know, but something has got to come from this, no one just paces outside someone's room for no reason.

After the music video wrapped she came straight to the hotel room with Alice’s help, who had only looked at her once and realised she wasn’t coping. They ate their room service dinner quietly, and by ‘they’ she means Alice ate dinner while she picked at it, mind deep in thought. They didn’t speak about the shoot, Alice knew why she was upset, there wasn’t any point in talking about it anymore. All she asked was for Ava to have a good night’s sleep. They would handle tomorrow together.

As Beatrice paces outside, her mind continues to pace as well. This wasn’t healthy. They couldn’t just ignore this anymore, not like they had the past 3 days. Listening to the song while beside Beatrice was probably the worst thing she could have done. Putting a face, Beatrice’s face , along with her voice and lyrics, just made everything come together in the most horrendous way.

Beatrice had kept her distance the moment tears welled in her eyes. Not only that, Ava had lost control. She had lost grip on the moment and resorted to calling out their own situation. Of course Alice would be the only other person present to know what she meant, and maybe Levy who continued to look between them after lunch as if trying to solve a puzzle, but that didn’t mean that it was right of her to do so.

It had landed so heavily between them the second the words left her mouth. Springing something like that out of nowhere on Beatrice was unnecessary and had probably damaged whatever semblance of their relationship she had regained over the past few days. It was always something that she had been told from a very young age, ‘you feel too much’, ‘you don’t think before you act’, and ‘you lash out like a wounded animal when you’re angry’. She needed to step back from her anger if she wanted to have Beatrice in her life in any meaningful way.

The steps came closer to the door, something that had happened a few times already, each time ending with Beatrice backing away and pacing again. Everything inside her screamed to fling open the door. To talk to Beatrice. To at least let her know she was there waiting, but she couldn’t. This has to come from Beatrice. She was done with initiating anything between them. She couldn’t keep being the one to chase her.

There was a small thud, basically impossible to hear if it were not for the fact that she was standing in front of the door when it happened. She could hear Beatrice inhaling a couple of times from behind the door as if composing herself. She took that moment to come closer to the door, head coming to rest against the wood, her left hand as well, waiting.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Beatrice’s voice broke as she said it, so low, meant for no one else to hear.

Her heart leapt to her throat. She waited. Waited for Beatrice to say or do something else, but when nothing else came she took in a breath and said, “I’m so angry with you.” She could hear Beatrice take a few steps back, startled. But she stayed close. “Beatrice, I’m so angry with you.” She hates how much pain is coming through her voice. Hates how vulnerable she sounds.

Beatrice comes close to the door, then the light thud again. “I’m so sorry, Ava.” A few seconds pass where she can only hear the light exhales of both their breaths. “Ca–can you open the door, please?” Beatrice pleads, voice soft.

She doesn’t know why she looks to the ceiling, maybe for some kind of divine intervention or for fortitude. Her lips twist, considering her options, but she barely has time to weigh them before her left hand reaches for the door handle, seemingly of its own accord, unlocking the door and pulling it inwards slightly. She puts herself between the doorway and Beatrice.

Beatrice has her hair up in a low bun, strands falling loose and is wearing an oversized blue sweater over a blouse, black pants and boots. Not what you would expect anyone to be wearing close to midnight. “Do you usually make a habit of pacing hotel hallways or–”

“I’ve been inconsiderate.”

“Just that?”

“I’ve also been mean.”

Mean. How descriptive.

“Is that all, then?” She can feel her annoyance spike instantly, she knows she should hear Beatrice out, but Beatrice’s face is impassive. “Why are you speaking with the vocabulary of a five year old?”

Beatrice sighs, eyes blinking a couple of times and lowering to look at the floor in askance before they meet hers again. “I’m trying.”

“Try harder .” This time Beatrice puts her hands in her pockets, hangs her head, turns, and begins to walk down the hallway. Panic sets in. She let her anger get the best of her and Beatrice is walking away from a potential conversation. She knows she needs to be patient and let Beatrice come to her, so she pulls the door completely open this time and sets one foot outside in the hallway. “I didn’t say you should leave.”

Beatrice turns around, stray hairs framing her face, a frown upon her countenance. She extends her hand out into the hall, hoping for Beatrice to take it, lest she dematerialise into a cloud of smoke. Beatrice’s hand intertwines with her own and she pulls her inside, closing the door behind them.

In the suite the only source of light is the one that comes from a lamp all the way across the small living room and inside the bedroom. She silently guides them both through the room, as Beatrice scrambles to remove her boots, and into the bedroom. She can see Beatrice’s features in the light now, her eyes are adjusting to the low light, and everything seems calmer.

“I don’t know how–I don’t know where to start.”

“Just say whatever comes to your mind first.”

“There’s thousands of thoughts running through my mind right now.”

“Okay. Well, think of me, then say whatever comes first.”

“I adore you. There isn’t a moment when my mind doesn’t stray to thoughts of you.”

“What about the past few months when all you did was ignore me and any attempt I made at communication?”

“Even then.” Beatrice looks wounded. “I know that it’s too late now to take back my actions, but I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you. I should have at least spoken to you about it.”

“Which actions are you sorry for, exactly? The decision to walk away from me as I called out to you? Or maybe it was the no contact for months, making me think I had imagined it all?”

“I think, no, I thought I was doing what was right for the band.”

“The band? What about what was right for me? For us !? Aside from the sheer disrespect you continuously showed me.”

Beatrice is pacing now, the hands back in her pockets. “That’s not fair, you know how much pressure we’re all under.”

She on the other hand remains perfectly still, hands crossed, “Bullshit. We’re all under pressure, Beatrice. You don’t get to use this as an excuse or something to hide behind.”

“What would you have me do? An apology will not suffice it seems.”

“I just want you to be honest with me, is that so hard?”

“I am being honest.”

“No. You’re not.” She takes a step towards Beatrice, hands coming free from her chest, “You’re saying what you believe you should say. What you think I want to hear.”

“I don’t know how,” Beatrice replies, frustrated.

“Yes, you do.”

Beatrice’s shoulders begin to tense, “No, I don’t!”

There’s only one way to get Beatrice to come to terms with her emotions. She needs to mention the song to at least begin to unravel the feelings behind it. Beatrice writes about how she feels, she doesn’t say it, and that’s her in. “Tell me about the song.”

“I don’t want to talk about the song.”

“Why? Because it bothers you?” Beatrice nods. “Why does it bother you? Why did you write the song?”

“Because…” Beatrice exhales. “Because I was jealous! Is that what you want me to say? I thought that I was just something that didn’t matter. Something fleeting for you. The thought of you with someone else made my heart ache and all I thought I could do was write a song about it. Because if I busied myself then maybe I wouldn’t call you and I wouldn’t seem so pathetic.”

“How could you not matter to me, Beatrice? How could you think you were just something I would mess with?” Beatrice shrugs and looks away. “I knew how it would look if I went to dinner with him. I was only trying to get your attention.”

“You did it on purpose?” There’s disbelief in her tone and her features are regressing to that blank stare, Beatrice is about to her walls up again.

“No, the opportunity presented itself. I wanted you to see it, to at least call me back upset or angry or something, anything. But you didn’t. You never reached out.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“What do you want to talk about then? Let me remind you, you, Beatrice, were the one that showed up outside my hotel room. What else did you want if not to talk? So fucking TALK!” Too late to stop herself, Ava realised she had let her anger get the best of her again.

She watched in slow motion as Beatrice’s face hardened and her eyes flashed. The next thing she knew Beatrice had pulled her hard towards her and pushed their lips together.

(*)

Todo tembló dentro de mí

(Everything shook within me)

El universo escribió que fueras para mí

(The universe wrote that you would be mine)

Y fue tan fácil, quererte tanto

(Loving you came so easily)

Algo que no imaginaba

(Something that I could have never imagined)

Then, arms wrapped around her waist holding her tightly in place. Hands bunched in her sleeping shirt as Beatrice’s lips tugged and pulled as if searching for some kind of meaning in their lips. And she wants to push Beatrice away, make her talk again, but can’t find the strength to. Because having Beatrice initiate anything at this point is a win. So she winds her arms around Beatrice as well, holding her close. She finds her way inside the baggy sweater and blouse, fingers sliding across the warm skin she finds there.

fue perderme en tu amor, simplemente pasó y todo tuyo ya soy

(It was like getting lost in your love, it simply happened and now I’m completely yours)

Beatrice doesn’t recoil, if anything her lips become more insistent and she can feel her own lips begin to bruise under the urgency of their desire. All she wants to do is crawl inside Beatrice’s sweater and touch everything her hands can get a hold of. Beatrice has also found her way to her skin, hands running along her back, the sides of her ribs, and stroking upwards. Her legs hit the bed frame, almost losing balance.

We should stop.

But Beatrice is committed to the task, right hand coming down to Ava’s waist, while the other one lays flat on bed, urging both of them down onto it. It’s terrifying how her body reacts instinctually, tugging at Beatrice’s sweater while still matching her lips ardently. Beatrice breaks the kiss only for a second, earning a pitiful little whine from her as their lips separate. They're both panting for air now. She can feel Beatrice’s exhale on her lips, that’s how close they still are to one another. Every intelligible thought evaporates when she feels Beatrice lean down to bite at her collarbone, then soothing the bite with the lick of her tongue.

Antes que pase más tiempo contigo amor

(Before we spend more time together, love)

Tengo que decir que eres el amor de mi vida

(I need to tell you that you’re the love of my life)

Antes que te ame más escucha por favor

(Before I love you more you have to listen to me)

Déjame decir que todo te di

(Let me tell you that I’ve given you everything)

Arching back, Beatrice pulls both sweater and blouse off in one go, revealing a simple nude bra and the abs that make her go a little dizzy sometimes when she thinks about them for too long. Ava can practically feel her brain turning into goo. And her heart rate is on the verge of cardiac arrest.

Y no hay cómo explicar, pero, menos notar simplemente, así lo sentí

(And there’s no way to explain, but, just simply know that’s how I felt it)

Cuando te vi

(When I saw you)

Beatrice's eyes are fully blown when they meet hers, inclining herself to grab the ends of Ava’s shirt. The short hairs hit the back of her neck when the shirt comes clean off and she barely has a moment to register it because Beatrice is crawling on her just as fast. There’s so much to touch and look at all at once, and her fingers are working double time, not really sure what to give attention to. Her hands do a full sweep of the stomach, biceps, shoulders and then neck. Once there, hands wander to pull Beatrice’s hair out of her bun, the hair tie joining its pair already on her wrist. She weaves her fingers through Beatrice’s hair, pulling her down into another kiss.

Me sorprendió todo de ti

(Everything about you surprised me)

De blanco y negro a color me convertí

(I changed from white to black to colour)

Sé que no es fácil decir te amo

(I know saying I love you is difficult)

Yo tampoco lo esperaba

(I also didn’t expect it)

Pero, así es el amor, simplemente pasó y todo tuyo ya soy

(But that’s how love is, it simply happened and now I’m completely yours)

Ava notes that Beatrice is not at all shy about what she wants. The hands are exploring everywhere, and so is her mouth whenever they break apart for air. Beatrice’s hand goes to her back, caressing at first, but then searching for something, the bra clasp, but she fumbles, not managing to do what she set out to do.

Her brain actually short circuits along with Beatrice, who breaks their kiss to look down at the clothing item in question. The other hand joins at the back, pulling the fabric of the bra a couple of times before there’s a resigned pant by her ear.

Oh.

“It’s–it’s a front clasp.” And she wants to laugh because it is equal parts hilarious and cute, but she won’t, she won't do that to Beatrice. She props herself up on her elbows, for the first time taking in just how out of breath and disheveled Beatrice is, hair loose, cheeks flushed and lips bruised, just like hers. Beautiful . Beatrice actually takes this time to sit back atop Ava’s thighs, regarding the bra with an angry scowl. And it gives her the time to truly think about what they’re doing and were about to do.

They need to stop, she needs to stop this. Not like this. Not while both of them are angry and uncertain.

Beatrice is inching forward again, lips lazily feathering her cheek with kisses. “We should sleep. We need to sleep, Bea. We’re basically running on bad coffee and anger. And we both have a long day tomorrow.”

Beatrice sits back again, regarding her for a second, not upset, but a little perplexed with the sudden change of events. “Oh…okay. Okay, yeah…I’ll go then,” Beatrice says, already lifting a leg off to un-straddle her, but doesn’t get the chance to move too far before Ava’s hands wrap around her waist, keeping her in place, thumbs caressing the skin there.

“No, stay.”

“Or I could stay,” Beatrice replies dumbly, eyes still well below eye level.

She leans forward and kisses Beatrice’s nose, because she can. “Good.”

Beatrice flushes red again, but kisses Ava’s nose as well before getting off her.

She’s off the bed as well, grabbing the shirt which had somehow landed on top of their only light source.

“I need something to wear.”

“I’ll get you something.”

“Okay.”

She’s sitting on the bed when Beatrice emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later, teeth brushed, hair somewhat tamed and looking adorable in an old Totoro shirt she refuses to part with and shorts. When Beatrice reaches the bed Ava pulls the covers from the right side in anticipation.

They both snuggle into the duvet, eventually facing each other. It’s Beatrice who opens her arms for her to come close, and she doesn’t think twice about it, already wrapping her arms around Beatrice in a vice grip, legs as well. A thought runs through her mind then, and she reaches over for Beatrice’s left hand around her, giving it a quick kiss.

“Are you going to call me a frog again?”

She takes this time to slide the hair tie back onto Beatrice’s wrist. An action that doesn’t go unnoticed. It felt significant. “I didn’t call you a frog!”

They both chuckle against each other, sleep feeling far away but also nearby.

“I’ve missed being with you.”

She leans forward to nuzzle against Beatrice’s cheek. “I’ve missed you. So much.”

“Mmm…” Comes the sleepy reply as Beatrice’s eyes blink close.

Tilting her head back, Ava’s eyes trace along the lines of Beatrice’s face, across her eyes and nose and her pouty upturned and slightly swollen lips. Her hand reaches up then, fingers running along the length of Beatrice’s cheekbones, tracing the constellations she finds there, against the fine moonlight.

A soft snore emerges from Beatrice’s slightly opened mouth and a giggle threatens to bubble up out of Ava’s chest, but she manages to suppress it. Shifting closer once again, Ava burrows into the crook of Beatrice’s neck and breathes her in, slowly succumbing to sleep.

Antes que pase más tiempo contigo amor

(Before we spend more time together, love)

Tengo que decir que eres el amor de mi vida

(I need to tell you that you’re the love of my life)

Antes que te ame más escucha por favor

(Before I love you more you have to listen to me)

Déjame decir que todo te di

(Let me tell you that i’ve given you everything)

Y no hay cómo explicar, pero, menos notar simplemente, así lo sentí

(And there’s no way to explain, but, just simply know that’s how I felt it)

Cuando te vi

(When I saw you)

—

Sunday, May 4th. New York City

Blearily, Ava blinks awake, hands searching. All that meets her is cool sheets. She opens her eyes. She’s alone and neatly folded on the bedside table is Beatrice’s sleepwear from the night before.

—

Beatrice is running. Dodging morning runners, co-workers with coffees in hand deep in conversation, nannies pushing strollers, zig-zagging past frolicking dogs. She had lost track of time and is now late.

At 4:21am her eyes had shot open. Lying stock still tangled in Ava, her thoughts had spiralled. Frozen immobile by looming panic. What the hell had she done? She had lost her grip on reality the night before and was now kicking herself. In a moment of weakness after the events of the last 3 days and the consequence of being too close to Ava, caught up in her bubble, Beatrice had allowed herself to want. Beatrice was not allowed to want. She didn’t deserve to want, not after how she had treated Ava these past few months. She had made her choice. She needed to put their careers first, she needed to be the stronger one.

They could not work. They would not work.

She wanted to move. To put any kind of space between them but found that she didn’t have the strength to. Ava’s rhythmic breathing was calming her and in that moment, she began to feel peaceful again. Ava had tucked herself right under her chin, her puffs of air tickling at her throat. It started small, her right hand unwrapping itself from Ava’s waist, trailing up her back. So soft, barely enough pressure to wake Ava. The hand ran across Ava’s shoulder to her arm where it caressed the skin there.

Ava stirred, nuzzling closer. “Mmmm?”

Her hand stopped their ministrations, running back down to wrap around Ava’s waist. “Sorry, go back to sleep.”

Ava nodded, placing a sleepy kiss on her neck.

In that moment all Beatrice could do was pull Ava closer, placing soft kisses on top of her head, soothing her back to sleep.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of laying next to Ava, thoughts flip flopping back and forth, an eternity of convincing herself of what she needed to do, clammy from her anxiety, Beatrice unfroze her limbs. She knew what she had to do. What she must do. Gingerly extricating herself from Ava, she rolled out of the bed, taking care not to make a sound or shift the bed too much. Praying her eyes had adjusted enough in the dark room and that she did not cause a ruckus by bumping into any furniture or tripping over, Beatrice tiptoed into the bathroom and got dressed in her clothes. Treading carefully in her socked feet, boots in hand, Beatrice deposited the folded clothing on the bedside table and carefully observed Ava’s content face and still body, chest lightly moving up and down with each breath.

This was it. There was no coming back from this. When she leaves, this is the end for them. Ava and Beatrice cannot come back from this.

She doesn’t deserve Ava. Not after everything.

Allowing herself one last moment of weakness, Beatrice ghosts her lips over Ava’s cheek. So close but not touching. Goodbye.

With one last look behind her, she slips out of Ava’s hotel suite. Taking a moment to sit down in the hallway to pull her boots on, she fights the urge to scream. She should have left a note. Ava doesn’t deserve to be left without a word, without explanation. But it’s too late now. The door had shut behind her and she couldn’t get back in without disturbing Ava from her slumber. She will text… no, she’ll call Ava later at a more reasonable hour and offer an apology for the way she had left.

Ashamed and standing up, she begins to run. Running from what she had done and all she was feeling. Running from all she was losing. She runs down the hotel stairwell, all 18 flights of stairs, through the silent lobby and bursts out the doors of the Plaza Hotel. Seeing Central Park across the road, she runs toward it. After sprinting for what seems like forever, she slows to a stop by Harlem Meer. Veering off the footpath into the nearby bushes, she throws up. It’s mostly bile. While Beatrice had been sprinting, as if she could outrun her demons and the consequences of her actions towards Ava, the sun had begun to rise, marking the dawn of a new day.

Now, in Harlem, she sits by the edge of the lake and watches the ripple of the water with the wind and the dappled sunlight reflections. There, she sinks ever deeper into her thoughts . Ava will follow where you lead. But who are you? Who do you think you are? Who are you? Who are you to lead her? Who are you to lead them? You are not worthy. It’s like she can hear the echoes of her parents’ voices, her extended family’s voices in her head. Picking at her deepest scabs.

Beatrice is fucked. Her phone was dead, she has no money and she had realised too late that they had agreed to meet in the hotel lobby at 8:00am to head to their final fitting. With plenty of cushion time to account for New York City rush hour traffic. She is very very fucked. Sprinting back in the direction of the Plaza Hotel, a helpful passerby had answered her frantic query with a “It’s 8:30!”. And she was still only halfway through the Park. She had been lost in her head, sitting by the lake, for over 2 hours.

Perspiring heavily, Beatrice skidded into the lobby, looking like a deranged maniac. It was a miracle the door people had opened the door for her at all. “Sorry I’m late. I went out for a run and lost track of time.”

Mary is the first to cast her eyes on her, and she’s not pleased. “On a run? Like through the lake? You’re soaked. And in those clothes?”

“Weren’t you wearing that last night before you went on your walk?” Camila asks as well, her attention jumping from her outfit to her phone’s screen probably checking the time. “It’s 8:56, we’re very late.”

Shit.

She’s still wearing last night’s clothing. “I figured it was already dirty so—”

Camila is now actively dissecting her, “I didn’t hear you come in last night? When did you leave this morning?”

“Six-ish, had a lot of energy.”

“You ran for three hours?” Camila was not letting up.

Lilith had now turned to their discussion, a foul smirk on the side of her lips. “Cam, I think Beatrice wants to get away with something. I think you should let her.”

“Get away with what? I’m so confused!” Camila yelped.

Yasmine comes into the lobby, hands waving frantically, “Where is Bea– oh, there you are. The car is here and someone needs to come deal with Levy, he’s yelling hysterically at the driver.”

The ride to the rented studio for the fitting is silent. Mary refuses to make eye contact, Camila keeps looking at her trying to figure something out, Yasmine is biting her nails, and Lilith keeps winking in her direction, but not in a teasing way, more of ‘you’re so fucking fucked when we finish our schedule you fucking asshole’ way, and she doesn’t blame her.

She did it again. She let herself get carried away with thoughts of Ava and she has once again let their situation affect her obligations. They were late to their fitting. This was inexcusable. She would need to apologise on behalf of the band, especially to Robert Wun who was probably already stressed enough with having to get them all sorted before tomorrow.

“Does anyone have a charger?” She asks in the hopes that either Yasmine or Camila reply.

“So let me get this straight. You didn’t charge your phone last night. Went for a run in your clothing. And came late to meet us at the lobby. And what? You’re now asking for a charger?” Lilith is the first to reply, unfortunately.

“Usually, when someone needs to charge their phone they need a charger.”

“Well, I don’t have one.”

“Thanks for the useless information, you arse. How am I meant to charge my phone with that?”

Mary is turning to her now, “I think you can do without your phone.” There’s a certain look in Mary’s face that says she knows exactly why Beatrice is asking for a charger. “Clearly, it hasn’t been much help today.”

It’s Yasmine who taps her shoulders once the car quiets again, offering a powerbank and cord.

They take longer than expected to arrive at their fitting, the traffic in New York being the absolute worst. The moment they step out of the car is the moment that Beatrice’s phone finally blinks back to life. Too late . They’re all manhandled upon arrival with clothing being pulled off by impatient seamstresses. She’s stripped bare apart from her underwear and bra in front of her bandmates, but she’s not the only one. They’re all in the large studio being poked and prodded every few seconds.

Lilith is watching her curiously, with that stupid smirk again, like she knows something. “Is that a hickey?”

It’s loud enough for the others to face her and they’re all gawking now. Looking for the supposed hickey that she allegedly has. There’s heat rising behind her neck and her cheeks feel warm immediately. She needs to look in the mirror but a seamstress is in the way. Her neck is literally doing acrobatics to get a closer look.

Lilith laughs, “I’m just messing with you, but interesting that you scrambled to look anyway.”

She has a half mind to haul Lilith outside by the roots of her hair, in front of the seamstresses and all. “I can see that you’re going to be an utter delight today.”

“I’m just getting started.”

“ENOUGH!” Levy thunders. His face a black cloud. “This is not the time for flippant jokes. We were late, and this is simply inexcusable. You will all do everything that is asked of you today and show Robert and everyone here the respect they all deserve for creating these outfits. Do not forget. It is an utter privilege for you to be wearing this and representing this Fashion House.” Whirling upon Beatrice, Levy looms closer, his voice a threatening mutter, “I will be speaking to Suzanne about today’s events.”

The gown she will wear tomorrow for the Gala is a coat-like dress covered in glass shards, which their designer had said represented love, sacrifice and personal loss. And she wanted to laugh at how on the nose it was. The fact that she would be wearing a dress that so perfectly fit what was going on in her life. An equally fractured headpiece would go along with the dress to keep her face hidden on the red carpet.

The seamstresses helped her into it, holding the dress aloft for her to slip inside, quickly fastening it around her. They set to work right away, pinning any extra fabric in place, and adding last minute shards to more sensitive areas. Leather high heel boots were placed by her feet, and she stepped in, then, came the headpiece. She could barely see through it, and she only had today to get used to the entire ensemble. After months of concepts, fittings, measurement, and adjustments it was all finished. Several rings were placed upon her fingers, being mixed and matched as the designer and his assistants decided which combination perfectly suited the look.

Camila’s outfit was being fitted at the same time, her black and white gown was covered by a massive veil and hat. Beatrice wasn't sure what it represented exactly but it had to do with decay and metamorphosis. Camila stumbled a few times as they attempted to get her inside the knee length heeled boots.

Once they were both finished it was Yasmine, Mary, and Lilith’s turn. They stood nearby, fully dressed watching the other band members go through the same process. Backing away quietly, Beatrice reaches for her phone, cast aside on a table lined up against the wall. Praying noone notices, she chances a glance down at her screen. A notification of a missed call from ‘Do not answer’ at 6:38 a.m.. Shit . She needs to call her back . Glancing up, she meets Levy’s glare and cowers slightly. It will have to wait.

Lilith and Yasmine both had gowns covered in pleated silk, Lilith’s white and Yasmine’s skin toned. Both with trailing veils representing the spirit and the flesh. Yasmine, though, had a terrifying skin graft of a head on top of the veil, which made some kind of sense…Mary’s was her favourite, it symbolised the first snowfall of Winter. It was black gown with a matching veil, which was richly embroidered with crystals emulating iced snow.

They stood side by the side as pictures were taken of the complete looks. Every accessory, shoe, and headpiece was accounted for and would be set aside for Robert Wun to bring to the hotel tomorrow along with the army of stylists. And tomorrow they would wake at the crack of dawn and get everything put back on plus, hair, makeup and nails.

The sun was beginning to set outside the studio as the traffic outside picked up once again. They had been at the fitting for hours. They had not even broken for lunch, forgoing it in order to ensure everything would be completed. Everything was ready for tomorrow. All that was left was the presentation. They all sat along on the floor of the now empty room. The designer had left it up to them to decide on the final elements of the red carpet and reminded Levy not to worry too much about Anna Wintour, he would deal with her if there was any ill will towards him.

The plan was simple in nature, but could have the potential to spiral if things got in their way. They were to start their walk before the entrance at Fifth Ave at 82nd street, after being dropped off a short distance away. It was all coordinated along to ‘ Fils de joie ’, if they heard it go off it meant that Levy had managed to play it for the outside speakers and they could begin their walk through the red carpet. It should all take the length of the song to do. A song which represented the exploitation of a sex worker, and in this case drawing a comparison to the hard work designers and their team put behind each gown. They would walk one after the other without stopping. Once atop of the stairs before the entrance they would stand next to each other for photos before continuing inside to change for the rest of the night.

The entire demonstration would represent the gowns and nothing else. Not themselves. Not the event. Just the hard work of the design team, outside the influence of what the Met Gala had become, an exhibition of unbridled wealth, power, and possession. They were going to completely go against the theme of the gala and subvert the expectations of everyone around them.

—

Morosely, Beatrice stares down at the amber liquid, cradling the crystal tumbler in her hand. Beside her on the bar top lay her phone, open to Ava’s contact page. It was 6pm. She had survived the final fittings day. The others had dispersed, eager to rinse off the day and head out for dinner. But she had stayed.

It was 6pm. She had failed to call Ava back. It had now been almost a full 12 hours since Ava had called her. It was too late. Too late to offer an explanation.

Raising the tumbler up to her lips. SLAM . A hand struck the bar top next to her, startling her out of her pensiveness. Ava’s hand.

The commotion earned the side glance of the Plaza’s bartender and that of the few guests sitting and enjoying the lobby’s bar.

Ava reached over and snatched the whisky tumbler out of her right hand. “ You don’t do this . You do not drink Beatrice Young. You cannot start this,” Ava lowly vocalised, anger imbuing every syllable. Ava downs the two fingers of whisky in one shot, grimacing as it burns, quickly glancing down at her phone. “Let’s go.”

With that, Ava grabs Beatrice’s right hand and bodily hauls her off the bar stool, keeping her hand in a death grip, in silence, across the lobby and into the waiting elevator. Ava jabs at the button for the 19th floor, slamming it a few times for good measure. Beatrice stays silent. Her hand feels sweaty in Ava’s hand, the bones in her hand beginning to ache beneath Ava’s clinch but she dare not try to let go. She barely dares to breathe. Chancing a look in the reflection of the mirror in the elevator, Ava’s face is resolute, face marred with a foreboding scowl, her lips downturned and almost white with how tightly they are clenched together. She’s never been more afraid . She can feel the fury emanating off Ava in waves.

The elevator dings as they arrive at the 19th floor, Ava dragging her through the corridor, swiping her key card and shoving her into the room.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Ava screams, right as the door closes behind her. “Who just fucking leaves someone like that? Without a word? Do you have any idea how it felt!? To wake up to find you had left in the middle of the night? How shitty that made me feel?’ Ava’s hand starts to run through her hair. “What am I? A play thing to you? Have you no respect for me?” She tries to speak, but Ava raises a finger, “No. Don’t answer that. Your actions have shown me enough. You don’t respect me at all.”

“I’m sorry.” It goes unheard.

“And then I had to go about my day, putting on a mask. Oh. You better watch your back. Alice may just shove you into oncoming traffic. FUCK! You didn’t leave a note. You didn’t text. You didn’t call. You couldn’t even give me that. Even after I told you how it made me feel last night. Even after, even after...”

Beatrice is standing stockstill in the middle of the living room while Ava continues her tirade. Ava’s hands trembling slightly with the force of her emotions, she’s pacing back and forth in front of the door, gesturing wildly, “Y mira esa cara estúpida y perfecta mirándome como siempre, sin nada que decir! En verdad trato de entenderte, pero cada vez me haces lo mismo y ya me tienes hasta la última hostia! Me da una rabia y después recuerdo que eres tú y me arrepiento. No sé de dónde sacas los cojones para arruinarme la vida así, porque no los veo. Joder, mujer, cómo me maldices el día. Y Por qué carajo decía “do not answer” en el nombre del contacto?”

As Ava pauses to take a breath, Beatrice interjects again, “I’m sorry. I meant to call.”

“YOU MEANT TO CALL!? WELL YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU? YOU ASSHOLE!”

Ring. Ring .

The hotel landline rings from the buffet table in the living room. Ava storms over to it, picks up the handset and barks out a curt, “WHAT.” Ava listens for a second and then slams the handset back into the holder, ripping the cord from the wall and flings the phone onto the nearby sofa.

Beatrice swivels and looks towards the exit longingly. Ava clearly notices the focus of Beatrice’s attention and scrambles back to place herself in front of the door.

“Speak,” Ava commands.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh. My. God. What do you mean you don’t know what to say? You say plenty in your songs? Right? That’s what you do. You hide yourself away, you hide yourself behind your song lyrics. Why? God. Fucking. Dammit. Beatrice. Why are you like this? How have you not imploded yet? Can you not just speak? Talk. Say anything. I want to listen. Please. Just let me listen.”

(*)

All that no one sees,

you see what's inside of me

Every nerve that hurts,

you heal deep inside of me

Ava quiets. She’s watching Beatrice closely. Beatrice can feel herself breathing heavily, struggling to get enough air into her lungs. “I’m doing the best I can,” Beatrice croaks out in a broken whisper.

At that, Ava closes her eyes and seems to withdraw into herself for a moment. Upon opening her eyes again, she steps into the bedroom and Beatrice loses sight of her. She can hear Ava struggling, which causes her to step into the room. There, she finds Ava trying to undo the latches of the window.

“What are you doing?”

Ava is walking around the bedroom, collecting random objects, a remote, a notepad, loose pens, a magazine. She throws them on the bed then glances back to the open window. “If you need to throw things out so you can be happy with me then I’ll help you collect them. If that’s what makes it bearable for you and allows you to eventually choose me, then, that’s enough for me. That’s enough for now.”

The conversation from months ago passes through her mind in seconds. They were at Ava’s recording studio, just having sung Björk’s ‘Hyper-ballad’ on the piano. They discussed the song and its different meanings. Ava’s interpretation had left her speechless.

Her eyes were on Ava’s. Surprised to find a kindred spirit. “But it’s really about casting away your negativity, the fear of whatever comes next.”

“Well, yes there’s that but also not carrying everything on your own. It’s allowing yourself to be intimate with your emotions and inner demons and sharing them with the person you love.”

“Wait, but she doesn’t say that at all.”

Ava swatted her arm, bouncing a little on the shared bench, “That’s the point! She’s not sharing her negative emotions out of fear that her relationship will be too fragile to endure it.”

The objects were the representation of the repressed emotions and baggage carried around by the person and the act of metaphorically discarding them was the release. The release to then have the strength to be with the person you love without the fear of losing them because of what they might see in you.

Ava was asking her to liberate herself so that they could be happy together, even if it was all Beatrice could do for now.

“Ava, you don’t have to do that.”

“You know that you don’t need to carry everything on your own. I’m here for you in any capacity you’ll have me. I want you to share what makes you happy, what makes you sad, all the in-betweens. Everything. Bea, I swear I have the patience. You just need to be honest with me. And I know that right now, that’s not possible, so, this? This you can do. It’s a start.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It’s not that simple?”

“No.”

Ava grabs the remote. “I need you to throw the remote out the window,” She says while walking towards Beatrice. Ava shoves the remote into her chest, for her to take. Beatrice shakes her head, and begins to retreat.

“Throw the remote.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t? Or you won’t?” Ava’s voice is rising again. “Beatrice, throw the fucking remote! If this is what makes it possible for you to be happy with me then throw the remote.” She flings the remote in the direction of the bed. “No?” Rumbles forth from Ava’s chest as she shakes her head in disbelief. Resigned. “Then, go. Just…go.”

“Can I stay, please? I’m sorry if I… if this hurts.”

“Yeah. Well, at least it’s not a flesh wound,” Ava’s voice cracks as she says it. “Go Beatrice. I don’t want to see you right now.”

I feel emotional landscapes

They puzzle me, confuse

Can the riddle get solved?

And you push me up to this state of emergency

How beautiful to be

State of emergency is where I want to be

State of emergency

How beautiful to be

#avatrice #warrior nun #ava silva #sister beatrice #Liturgia

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