#alfred needs a raise

[jaxon-exe]

Wayne TV show

Ok so awhile ago someone (I’m sorry I don’t know who, if u know plz tell me so I can credit) came up with the idea of “what if the Waynes have a show like ‘keeping Up with the Kardashians’?”

Well I’ve been reading WFA and was thinking… what if they did have a show like that but the Wayne’s didn’t try to hide their weirdness. Like the weirdness that only comes from there nightlife.

I’m taking:

Damian keeps threatening to stab people and the crew think it’s a joke until he actually pulls out a dagger.

Dick decides the best way out of the manor is to do a flip out of a 3rd story window

Jason jokes about death (both his own and causing other people’s) a little to much

Tim full on passes out at the dinner table and Bruce just picks him up like he’s a toddler that weights next to nothing and takes him to bed

Cass has a habit of jump scaring the camera guy by just popping into existence next to them

They have a game of paintball that gets way to intense and ends up with Stephanie giving a speech that wouldn’t be amiss in a war movie

After ep 1 a lot of people talk sh/t about them online and in the next ep Barbara just random says names every now and then. It isn’t until after people work out she was saying the names of the worst people that sh/t talked them

For a long time all the viewers and crew thought Duke was the normal one until ‘the incident’

Jason and Tim are fighting and it’s getting pretty rough and bruce just spawns outta f/cking nowhere and just picks up the human tank that is Jason Todd like it’s nothing and just walks off

It becomes a running joke that whenever things go wide the camera just zooms in on Alfred, who just standing in the background calm as can be, as you can just hear the chaos continuing

Like everyone knew the Waynes were crazy but like…….. no one expected this

[miles-morxales]

like father like son.

Dick Grayson x fem!reader

warnings! :child neglect, bruce needa do better😬, arguing, slight obsession, attachment issues

IN WHICH, Dick Grayson feels like since he doesn’t feel enough love at home from bruce, maybe attaching himself to catgirl to fill his slightly empty heart could work.

part 1: first time meeting.

“Whose that?” A young 15 year old Dick asked Bruce. Next to Catwoman was a shorter and younger girl. “Catgirl, apparently catwoman has a new sidekick. I assume you know what to do?” Bruce said in a all too familiar monotone voice. Catwoman was doing a different  job than usual. No stealing jewelry or robbing a bank. No no no.. This time, she was stealing.. fertilizer? And she brought a friend too.

“I know I know. Distract with the girl while u go and flirt with Catwoman blah blah blah.” “i do not- you know what, just do it.” (We all know you on her bad brucey bruce, it’s ok🙂).

While Batman went to go stop Catwoman’s shitty plan (pun intended🤭) Dick had to go stop Catgirl. Of course he got stuck doing the easy job! So fun. Catwoman and Batman were having a full on cat chase (I’m full of puns today🤭) and he to distract some new chick on the block.Except, maybe it wasn’t as easy as he thought.

IN THE WAREHOUSE (still full of shit)

Dick’s POV:

So I walk in right? No, I kick the fucking door down, trying to do you know a cool entrance. Just for no one to be seen. “Come out kitty kitty kitty.” I looked around for a good 3 minutes, then just as I was about to tell Batman no one was there I felt a breath on my neck. “Boo.” I gasped and almost fell over. Where tf did she come from?

“I’ve heard a lot about you Boy Wonder. Let me guess, while Batman goes and chase around Catwoman, you got sent to distract me from loading more fertilizer into the truck?” Damn I didn’t know it was that obvious ☹️. “Uh, no?” It came out more like a question than a answer. “Sure..” She said. “So, you gonna try and turn me in or what?” She said circling me. “Um, that is kinda my job. So if you wouldn’t mind.” I tried to grab her arms and hold her but she quickly turned to the side and kicked me in my stomach. Uhmmm, ouchhh?

“First thing you need to know about me, I’m nothing like Catwoman. I’m not into the long game. Number two, what made you think it would be that easy in the first place?” She said as I was taken aback by her swiftness. “Well Catgirl, I apologize for underestimating you. Friends.” I said walking closer and putting my hand out. She scoffed, but eventually shook my hand with a fake smile on her face.

I them twisted her hand behind her back, taking the other in my grasp. “Fuck you.” She said, I chuckled at her statement. “Just doing me job. You shouldn’t be trying to fall into a life of crime with Catwoman anyway.” “Is this the part where you try and convince me to “Do better!” and “to make better choices!”Robin?” She says in this weird type of voice. I don’t know why but it catches me off guard and she slips away, try’s to kick me again but I catch her foot. “Nice try, but this is not gonna take long. We’re in a huge warehouse, in the middle of the mountains full of shit. I don’t wanna be here as much as you don’t.”

She flips off my hand and lands on her feet swiftly. “Well i don’t wanna be here more. She said if I don’t go she’ll take my door off of the hinges and that I can’t do anymore jobs with her for a week. You think I wanna be here in the cold, in a place full of horse dookie?” I snort at the word dookie. She’s funny. I take a minute to take in her features. She has longer hair than Catwoman, in a ponytail coming out her suit. Beautiful really, and perfect y/e/c eyes.  “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” She says, I snap out of my staring and I can feel heat creeping up my neck. How embarrassing.. 

*cue fight scene where he ends up catching you outside the warehouse and they are both out of breath*

“Fina-fucking-lly, you know for Batman’s sidekick you’re really bad at shutting up and just catching ppl.” She says, damn that kinda hurt. “Says the one whose hands are literally roped together?” “Touché.” She says smirking and winking at me. I feel my stomach flutter a little. Just as I’m about to say something, Batman shows up behind me, Catwoman nowhere to be found. “Good work Robin, now let’s get her somewhere safe.” I take her hand and walk towards the batmobile with Batman. As we approach it, I turn around and she’s nowhere to be found anymore.. whatttt😱.

Okay okay.. so I might have let go of her hand on while she untied the knot without noticing.. but can you blame me?? I could barely feel my hands in the first place in this weather, let alone hers?? When we notice, both catwoman, Catgirl and the truck are gone. Let’s just say Batman was not happy on the ride home..

When we got back, he sent me to my room. Whispering how I should’ve noticed to himself, as if I don’t already feel bad. First, it’s freezing. Second, I get stuck in a warehouse full of shit fighting off some catwoman sidekick, then the minute he actually says I did a good job she gets away. As if Catwoman didn’t get away either?? “Would you like some hot chocolate Master Dick?” Alfred says, peeking through my room door. “No thank you Alfred, I’m off to bed.” 

a/n: it’s currently 2:45 in the morning rn- anyways this is part one of a 5 part lil series, hope y’all enjoyed, I haven’t written in ages. bye bye! Muah

[gaywineauntsstuff]

the reason I hate the "Tim doesn't trust Dick after Damian/spyral/ric" is because they are besties your honour.

Like there's a post going around that I cannot for the life of me find that says Dick is Tims trusted adult and they are so right fr ong.

Because despite what Fanon believes Dick is a pretty chill guy and people take one look at him and go "let me unload my emotional baggage on you"

There's like a very famous panel (that im too lazy to find or remember the name of the run its in okay don't yell at me) where Tim basically goes "soooo my girlfriends pregnant" and Dick nearly falls off the roof.

Tim is calling Dick for the dumbest shit imaginable to the world ending and so are the rest of the batkids.

so I have taken the Canon that Dick knows if not all but most and generalised it to hell.

-------------------------

Jason has been on a team with like 80% of OG titan members

they're having gossip session

Jason in a war zone dodging bullets with his bat travel mug in his hand: And THEN! Kori and Roy shared this look and you know the look they give you when they're judging you for bat reasons and you're like tell me why you're mad I was raised by a crazy person my normal levels are skewed.

Dick in NYC with a blueberry bagel In one hand, his Turkish coffee in another, just finished meeting up with Donna who gave him THAT exact look: No REALLLLL why are they like that, just tell me which one of the creepy traits I internalised as a child is bothering you.

Jason: omg you get it anyway so I grab the bomb and start playing soccer with it because its round and im bored and starfire takes it away like idk what im doing? bro ive been bombed I know how to work with a bomb..

Dick: hmmm and then what happened

Jason: and then.....

--------------------------

Tim: Dickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Dick: yea Tim

Tim: Kon is being a dick

Dick: oh?

Tim: yeah and its really starting to bother me man

Dick who knows Kon is dead and Tim is either hallucinating or drugged to be more susceptible to manipulation and is already on his way: hmm tell me more babybird whys he upsetting my lil brother

Tim about to tell Dick what is a fever dream bc he contracted pneumonia and is loopy off his ass on painkillers:

---------------------------

steph does this more with babs in the hero scene but its just... so easy and totally gets into the habit of it after Dick is her Batman for a bit and now she uses him as her civilian life therapist

Steph on her way back from campus: and then this bitch looks me up and down and pours her coffee cup down my shirt!

Dick on his way back to blud after decking bruce in the face: hold on hold on hold on she did what??

Steph nodding vigorously even though he can't see her: pulls my whole ass sweater away from my body and pours her peats coffee down my goddamn shirt Dick.

Dick: omg she didnt

Steph still nodding: she DID and then I found out from Jonny who found out from Vivian that someone told her I made out with her boyfriend at Leos house party

Dick who has no idea who any of these people are: wait but you were at Leos for like an hour max last week. we has smoothies after.

StepH: exactly so I had proof that I wasn't there and confronted her and went like. I don't want your crusty ass alt white boy whose favourite 'indie' band is the neighbourhood. I dated Tim fucking Drake the OG crusty ass white boy and I don't do repeats

Dick choking on his coffee:

Steph: anyway we are besties now and planning on getting her boyfriend back because apparently he cheated on her with this drop dead gorgeous girl and im high key a lil complimented she thought we were the same person.

Dick who initially called for casework and is actually so happy one of the people he calls siblings is actually like living a life outside of vigilantism: tell me more

Steph: you sound a little teary

dick: don't worry about it

-------------------------

Damian: Richard

Dick: Damian

Damian: so I might be skipping patrol with father

Dick:? what you love patrol??

Damian: and school

Dick: Dames? what's going on:? is everything okay? you can talk to me

Damian: I am volunteering at a hospital

Dick: kid

Damian: Listen before you sAY anything I know what we do is important but I think I can help in another way and -

Dick had brown parents and was training for the olympics at 8, totally knows what its like to have insane expectations and rebel with a day job: kid kid calm down okay? you wanna be a doctor? is that it?

Damian: well? I dont really know but I just? there has to be another way to help people. besides what we do I mean-

Dick: Alfred left me Thomas waynes journals I initially thought they were to bash your fathers head in when he was being stupid but it seems the old man was looking out for us. Wanna take a stab at your other grandpas legacy when you come over next weekend. I'll tell Bruce we patrolled so you get a few more days off.

Damian: you're the best

[psalmsofpsychosis]

Me: yeah no i can cook gutwrenching Batman headcanons

Gotham TV: baby Bruce curls besides Alfred's hospital bed after Alfred gets stabbed in the heart, never leaves his side for one moment to the point that Gordon has to bring him food, he's red faced and hicking up all the time, whispers to Gordon "i can't lose him; he's all i have," and after Alfred comes back to life he brings books from Wayne Manor and softly reads horror bedtime stories to Alfred during the day until Alfred eases down and falls asleep

Me: god nevermind

[puppetmaster13u]

You know what I need? I need Batman to be minding his own business, y'know just taking part in a league meeting or being forced to (urgh) socialize. And just in the corner of his eye see one of the batkids start doing something they know they shouldn't, presumably something incredibly dangerous seeing as he gave up on stopping them from hanging from chandeliers and going out as vigilante children. .

And I need him to just suddenly having the thickest new jersey accent the other heroes have ever heard as he fusses over them when they do get hurt.

[nelkcats]

Almost Parent Material

When Dan and Ellie decided to change the titles from "cousin" and "acquaintance from another reality" to "father," Danny could honestly say he panicked. He wasn't a teenager anymore but he wasn't sure if he wanted kids; well, it's not like he had much of a choice.

Maybe it was a ghost thing but the moment Dan and Ellie (kids, his kids) said those words, something inside his core froze, in a good way, it was a comfortable, comforting cold, like a Christmas morning.

The problem was that while the situation made him extremely happy, Danny didn't know how to be a father, and the Fentons were horrible references. So he made the most logical leap: online forums.

He found himself chatting with an online user named KNight quite frequently, he seemed to have also been thrown into early parenthood a couple of years ago and was still struggling with it, but overall he had a couple of good tips.

KNight soon transitioned to Bather and then just Bruce, every time Danny talked to him it felt like they were a couple of little old ladies gossiping. Between the random chatter and the parenting advice he was actually having fun.

So, when Bruce invited him over to his house two years later to officially meet, Danny naturally panicked. Dan and Ellie were laughing at him in the background, the little shits.

[erinwantstowrite]

y’all dw loki hugged peter so he can’t betray him it is a rule ( trust)

hugs heal everything, especially for peter and dick who's life force depends on them

[lady-bizarre]

when does jason learn to drive?

cause according to a quick google search, you can't drive in new jersey until you're at least sixteen. and jason dies when he's fifteen.

he definitely didn't learn when he was comatose, and probably not with the league. did he have to teach himself? did bruce teach him before he died? did dick teach him to spite bruce? did he learn when he lived on the streets? does he somehow never learn and use it as an excuse to never drive any batkid around?

how many times did he crash before he finally figured it out? has officer grayson ever pulled him over for going 20 miles above the speed limit, asked for id, only for jason to just drive off? does he just drive like a maniac? do his siblings avoid driving with him at all costs to stay away? how many people has he tramuatized?

[nostalgic-muffins]

had raising canes for the first time today good god that was like the second most delicious meal of my life

[googlein1942]

ive been so into rdr2 lately and i keep thinking about public nations verse where people making historical games/movies/shows/etc. consult nation people on historical tidbits and accuracy and whatnot, so queue Alfred “Favorite era of the US was the wild wild west” Jones finding his way to rockstar studios to help them out with the game accuracy/go on about whacky people he met during those days while the studio is just like write that down write that down

[ivyithink]

I wish I had a nice monster-related quote or something to put here, but instead I’ll just recommend “for the departed”, “villainous thing” and “godspeed” all by shayfer james, ‘cause they’re a vibe for this AND great songs

this piece is also one for cringetober 2023! (some info here!)

the prompt: day 31 - halloween! honestly though, this was just an excuse to finally do at least something for the idea that’s been living in my head for a looooooong time…

[alotinone]

for @ownmidnight think before you act. it was something damian had been told he needed to do even before long coming to his father home. his emotions running high and him acting on them was something he had long been reprimanded for. it was probably the only thing that he was still told that was the same as at home. although as the only person who he cared about in this place now was gone. he let the knife fly through the air, besides ( ressuring the voice of his father inside him ) it wasn't like he was actually aiming for it hit the person, it was only meant to stop this intruder in their step. although another kitchen knife he had picked up was in his other hand, ready to be used. " - if your intention is to rob this place, your best chance is to turn around and go back to whatever hole you came from before my next throw is on to makes a hole in your throat. " the young child finally spoke, civilian clad in his pajamas. the white of it almost white glowing in the darkness. around them.

[freefallintothevoid]

Dick Grayson's unmatched success as a child vigilante makes a lot more sense when you remember the Court of Owls was a thing and that Dick was meant to be the next Grey Son.

There is no way that someone at Haly's Circus wasn't there keeping an eye on him while he grew up. A future weapon needs to be trained and monitored after all, and a circus, a place where weird skills are completely normal, is actually a great place to secretly train a child.

You know, just some knife tricks that translated really well into actual fighting. How to get out of restraints and pick locks while under a time limit. Death defying acrobatic stunts that coincidentally do wonders for parkouring. That sort of thing. Nothing that seems out of place for a boy growing up around circus performers to learn, but would literally any where else.

I mean, while I fully believe that most kids would want to kill the man responsible for their parents deaths, Dick was weirdly prepared to go through it. He tracked down Zucco with way more ease than any normal child should have too. He became the first child vigilante, for goodness sake. The first Robin! He only started getting formal training after he basically forced Bruce into it!

Bruce himself has no idea that this kind of competency in a child is unusual, considering he was much too blinded by the similarities between his and Dick's tragic orphanhoods.

Alfred is in a similar boat because he’s desensitized to weird children after he somehow managed to successfully raise Bruce 'The Batman' Wayne, so he doesn't clock the hyper-competency as abnormal either.

By the time the other batkids start popping up (Jason 'The Audacity' Todd, borderline-street rat with no fear) (Tim 'the greatest stalker in Gotham history' Drake, child genius, also bullied his way into becoming Robin) (Barbara 'raised by the only uncorrupt cop in gotham' Gordon) (Stephanie 'daddy issues and spite' Brown) (Duke 'Pretends he's the normal one and people believe him' Thomas) it's too late.

It would also explain how Dick got along so well with Damian out of all of them. Similar childhood with different approaches and all that. On some subconscious level, Dick recognises and resonates with the murderous ten year old assassin with strong familial ties to a secret elite assassin organization.

It isn't until after the whole Court of Owls and Grey Son reveal that suddenly Dick realises a whole lot of things about his childhood that suddenly make a lot more sense.

[frownyalfred]

I’m sure there was a part of Alfred that was worried Bruce wouldn’t immediately take to fatherhood/guardianship when he brought home Dick. But then one morning, when Bruce is still painfully young and trying to work raising a kid into establishing a vigilante, Alfred enters the kitchen to see Bruce and Dick leaning over the table together doing the crossword.

Bruce chides Dick quietly, “You’re going to fall. Sit back down in the chair.”

And it’s said just the same way Thomas had said it, once upon a time — the tired exasperation of a father trying his best not to hover, but still worrying. Casually braced against the table, in such a way that he could reach out and catch Dick if he fell.

That’s when Alfred knew things would work out. A crossword, a shared pen, an exhausted Bruce fresh off of patrol still trying to make Sunday mornings fun for a kid who desperately needs them.

[flwrkid14]

Tim Drake’s Coworkers (ft. The Fenton Family)

It’s not that Tim doesn’t like the Batfamily. He tolerates them just fine. Damian is great for sparring (if you like sparring with a tiny murder machine), and Jason’s brand of dark humor isn’t too bad once you get used to it. Dick’s a bit too much sometimes, but overall? Fine. Totally fine.

But the thing is… they’re just his coworkers.

And it never really clicks for the Bats until Danny Phantom joins the Justice League and everything starts unraveling.

———

The revelation comes during a League meeting. They’re strategizing about some ghost-related chaos, and Danny floats into the Watchtower, bright and glowing.

“Oh, hey, Tim,” Danny greets casually, giving him a little wave.

Tim doesn’t even look up from his tablet. “Sup.”

Superman looks between them, confused. “…you two know each other?”

Danny grins. “yeah, he’s my brother.”

Dead silence.

“WHAT?!” Bruce’s bellow shakes the entire room.

Tim finally looks up, unfazed. “What? Did you think I just spawned into existence?”

“You have a brother?!” Clark sputters.

“Two siblings, actually,” Tim corrects, utterly nonchalant. “Danny’s the younger one. Jazz is the older one. She’s great. Super organized. Kept me alive in middle school.”

Bruce’s eye twitches. “Why—why am I only learning this now?”

Tim shrugs. “It didn’t seem relevant.”

“Relevant?” Diana repeats, incredulous. “You’re the brother of Danny Phantom and it’s not relevant?”

Danny, who’s been munching on some ectoplasm candy, jumps in: “Honestly, Tim’s always been kind of private about his personal life. We just figured it was his way of coping with the whole ‘raised-by-rich-neglectful-aunt’ thing.”

“Yeah, about that,” Tim interjects, glaring at Danny. “Thanks so much for dumping me with Aunt Janet, by the way.”

Danny shrugs sheepishly. “Mom and Dad panicked! They thought you’d get ghost-napped next!”

“Uh, correction: Aunt Janet left me to raise myself, so that plan was awesome.”

Bruce, trying to keep up, interrupts: “Hold on. Your parents left you with Janet Drake?”

“They didn’t know she sucked at raising kids,” Tim deadpans. “And to be fair, they did call. A lot. I just didn’t pick up.”

Jason, who has been cackling this entire time, leans forward. “Wait, wait, wait—so you’re telling me that the Replacement’s entire family is a bunch of ghost hunters?”

“Yup.” Danny pops the “p” with a grin.

“You’re kidding me,” Steph says, borderline hysterical.

Tim sighs, clearly over it. “Look, it’s not a big deal. Jazz keeps the parents in check, Danny handles the ghost stuff, and I… stay out of the way. It’s fine.”

“FINE?” Damian glares. “Drake, you’ve been fraternizing with ghost hunters while working with a vigilante group, and you think that’s fine?”

Tim raises an eyebrow. “Dami, chill. It’s not like it affects work. You’re my coworkers. They’re my family. Separate categories.”

Cue collective Batfamily malfunction.

———

Later, Danny is chilling in the Batcave, feet kicked up on the Batcomputer, chatting with Alfred. The rest of the Bats are still spiraling.

“Tim, we’ve lived together for years!” Dick exclaims, sounding genuinely hurt. “How are we only your coworkers?”

“You’re not my family,” Tim explains, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Danny and Jazz are my family. You guys are my teammates. It’s different.”

Jason throws his head back, laughing. “Oh my god, Replacement, you’re stone cold.”

“I’m not cold,” Tim argues. “I just don’t think we need to make it more complicated than it is. We work together. That’s enough.”

Meanwhile, Danny is wiping tears of laughter off his face. “Oh man. Jazz is gonna love this.”

[quiidam]

I think that all of the Batkids get a different version of Bruce as a father. But I think part of what makes his relationship with Dick so unique is that he was almost like a teen dad when he raised him. Yes, he was well into his late twenties early thirties but this man had never had a pet let alone been responsible for another life when he started raising Dick. He knew nothing about children. So of course he let Dick drink coffee and pull all nighters with him, started teaching him how to drive at eight years old, let him bulk up on protein shakes instead of eating regular meals and read any kind of book he could get his hands on. He vents about his life to Dick, no real boundary of parent and child. He’s the reason Dick climbs and jumps from every high point in the Manor— he’s a flying Grayson, he can handle himself. Until Alfred steps in starts explaining to Bruce that children need boundaries, that children are fragile. Dick still jokes about some of the things he was allowed to do as a child, Bruce still cringes.