#again do you know how common it is for sa victims to hear this?

[longing-for-rain]

I think it’s funny how people point to the existence of female kataang stans as proof that kataang isn’t written for the male gaze when every female kataang stan I’ve interacted with has said something to the effect of “but he’s so nice, he wouldn’t have done something like that” to dismiss his blatant violation of Katara’s boundaries on screen. It is unfortunately not uncommon for women to flock to the defense of male interests.

[sunnymusingsao3]

Hello comic fandom fanfic writers! PSA Time (SA/rape mention warning):

Stop using the "hero breaks up a shady alleyway almost-rape" trope as a device for plot or characterization, when the plot does not center around the victim, or when the character focused on is the hero, and once again not the victim.

The threat of sexual violence is not and should never be a throwaway plot device to give your hero something to do that shows off their abilities or heart.

In addition to that: it perpetuates the myth that most rapes are performed by a stranger in a shady back alley (note: the fact that it always happens in a "sketchy part of town" is classist, and the hero asking the victim why they were walking alone in that neighborhood is victim blaming, regardless of the tone of the question).

Look. I get it. Sexual violence is a real plague on our society, and it's extremely common. It makes sense that someone like Batman, for example, might come across it in his line of work. In fact, in canon, he has, though I admit I don't know exact issue numbers off the top of my head. I can also point to a more substantial instance, in that Green Arrow has most definitely encountered a survivor of CSA in his line of work, given his connection to Mia Dearden (a fantastic character, btw). We know this comes up.

I am not asking you to erase the topic altogether. In fact, I'd prefer we didn't ignore sexual violence on the whole, since it is something that needs to be given awareness, in order to create understanding and help aid in prevention.

What I am saying is that, if you decide to breach the subject in your works, do your research and address it in full. Do not use it as a throwaway plot. Do not leave it untagged. Do not give your hero angst feelings about it ("what if I hadn't been fast enough...") that overshadow the victim's feelings, and most importantly: do not leave the victim's voice out of it. In fact, the victim's voice should be the primary voice that we hear in reference to the event, to how they would like to seek justice and healing, and how the experience has made them feel. This is not to say that you can't write about it from the perspective of the hero who stopped it, but if you do that, then make sure that the hero gives up story space to the victim to listen to them speak.

Sexual assault should be discussed in stories. It is good to raise awareness and I, like many survivors, like having the option to read and write about this topic as a form of catharsis, release, or comfort. Telling these stories can be good, when done in such a way that lifts the voices of the survivors and centers them as the focal point or authority on the experiences that they faced.

When survivors are not centered in the story, we immediately face further harm and silencing. It hurts the entire community when rape, almost-rape, or any other type of sexual violence and assault, is treated like it's just a device to further someone else's narrative.

Stop discarding your almost-rape victims in the alleyway that they were attacked in.

[whumping-valentine]

CW: Pedophilia, incest, and SA mentions

Some of the replies to this are fucking unhinged, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. This post doesn't mention any kind of specific media. It doesn't talk about age gaps, or incest, or torture, yet some people in the replies are acting like this post flat out said to support child predators, like ????

I'm sorry, but if you think that folks who enjoy taboo topics in fictional media actually want that to happen in real life, that says much more about YOU than it does them. And as a whump blog, I'm not just talking about torture. There is no room on my blog for, "Yes! Unless you write *blank* in which case you should die!" No. No censorship. Period.

Yes, even if they don't continously state that it's immoral and wrong. Yes, even if they present it in a postive light. Yes, even if it's "glamorized". How someone writes literature is not a reflection of themself. It's kinda like acting. Ever hear of an unreliable narrator? I think y'all just have piss poor media literacy. Sometimes I write about kinks I don't have, characters I genuinely can't stand, and content that even squicks ME out. Why? Because I'm writing a story. Again, it's like acting. It's not who I am, and it's not what I believe.

Exploring topics in fiction can be a way of dealing with your own trauma, like how I sometimes write about SA and incest. That does not mean that I support rape or incest, or that I'm somehow a predator, or a rapist. God, it pisses me off so muuuuuchhhh. I'm sure you don't think that everyone who has ever written horror is a serial killer, yeah? It's the ame sentiment, and you know what? Even if people aren't victims of the topic, my verdict still stands. People are allowed to write about whatever shit they want to, even if it hasn't directly harmed them. They don't owe you an explanation in order to make it okay in your eyes. They can write it simply because they enjoy it, and that doesn't make them evil.

The important thing is to tag your works so that folks can avoid topics that may be triggering to them, or to at least warn them before they continue. You are not serving justice by harassing someone that you deem to be dangerous. If you truly think people who write taboo fiction are dangerous, I believe you're too immature to be on the internet in general. Dark fiction is actually much more common and mainstream then you think, you just live in your sanitized little internet bubble so you wouldn't know.

"Your parents would disown you if they knew what you wrote!" My mother recently wrote a novel about a woman who is kidnapped, beaten, and raped by a man and falls in love with him and they live happily ever after. She's paying me to be her editor. She thinks you guys are insane. It's not really my cup of tea, but she wrote it and it's hers. Just because I don't particularly like it, doesn't mean it's wrong or that it should be censored or changed.

And if you're one of those "think of the children!" types, let me tell you, you're just annoying. Dark content is not for children. Children should not be on my blog. They should not be in adult spaces. It is not my responsibility to censor myself just because children could possibly see and read my work. My work is for mature adults who understand that fiction isn't real, and that what I write about is not indicative of my own moral beliefs.

Let me say again; Minors are not allowed on my blog.

If you read that and still wanna yell predator, I don't know what to tell you, man. You're just dumb. The terms predator, pedophile, and groomer really mean NOTHING now, huh? What a way to belittle and water down actual horrible things.

Way to go protecting kids! No one cared that my cousin molested me, but they sure as hell care when I sometimes want to write about incest! 🙂 "but why do you want to write about something that hurt you??" I don't owe you an explanation. 👍

I'm sorry op, I kinda completely derailed your post, I got carried away. I apologize. Rant over.

Repeat after me:

It is OKAY to have content preferences and to be uncomfortable with certain ships or topics, controversial or not. It is OKAY to distance yourself from such content and block certain tags or creators.

It is NOT OKAY to actively hate and harass real people for creating content of fictional characters that features things that make you uncomfortable.

[mithliya]

Lol , the uh, consent discourse is interesting. I HAVE consented to things that were traumatic, a lot of things in fact, but ive also stayed silent, frozen and let things happen, ive put myself back in the same situation.

Point is, i really am the "just regretted it!"-strawman some people love to use lol. Bc i did go back. I didnt even say anything. I dont know if i was sober a single time honestly? (Even the times i did consent to, not just when i was like. Unconscious or actively tried to fight, escape and/or protest verbally)

Ive had, and still have, some pretty bad substance issues, two of the repeated situations have been suppliers. (And no i wasnt even trading drugs for sex) I dont know how to deal with the guilt anymore? I just didnt know what to do, and i still wouldnt if it happened again today? I know i cant physically defend myself, and its terrifying?

Theres at least one time i didnt realise anything happened and just, hoped i imagined it, until i found out the supplier in question had filmed it. Many time i just pretended like i hadnt regained consciousness, and waited until it was over, and acted like i didnt know. There were times i protested and begged and nothing happened, like they didnt even hear me, and there were times i got the shit beat out of me for trying to get away or even for saying no, so i guess i just, i dont know? I dont know why i kept putting myself in those situations when i knew the risks.

I dont even know if they knew that i didnt want it or if they were too fucked up themselves to understand, hear or notice. Its been years, and its still just, always there. I dont want to think about it, i can't even really force myself to, but it still keeps popping up, and i dont know what to do? There are groups for SA victims, ive looked into and met people who run it, but even if they'd never tell me right out that i dont belong there, i still feel so fucking guilty and ashamed for ever contacting them. I just feel like the epitome of playing with fire and whining when i got burnt, only to tell myself its fine and keep playing with fire over and over again. I dont know where im going with this, other than just, i dont know, something something joke about strawmans george and statistical outliers or smth. Anyway. Love ya

girl im sorry but none of what you're mentioning is that bullshit "just regretted it strawman" as you put it. you were sexually abused, potentially even raped, repeatedly. i feel like a part of you knows it but doesn't want to accept it. maybe you feel like you're somehow downplaying rape or sth, i know i felt similarly. its also generally just hard to accept your own powerlessness and the way others (esp men) may take advantage of those moments.

the fact that freezing was a common response and you didn't know how to fight for yourself just emphasises how TRAUMATIC and unwanted it was for you. the fact that you were on substances and cant even remember these incidences well, that people FILMED IT, that some of it was at the hands of drug dealers, that you were abused physically and threatened... you were so clearly sexually exploited based on what you're saying here.

you being unable to think about it but it always coming up regardless is literally traum. you freezing is trauma too. i encourage you to go to those groups for victims of rape/sexual assault. or maybe message an organisation specialised in that stuff or see a therapist (do not pick some asshole conservative man, instead pick a woman specialised in trauma or SA). if you doubt yourself, maybe hearing from them will clarify to you that what you went through is no joke. its not just some silly impulsive decision you made and then regretted the way victim blamers & rape apologists loooooove to frame it.

so many of us will waste so much time blaming ourselves bc that is what our societies do to us. its vile that there are women orbiting feminist spaces right now reiterating the same blame that society throws at us, blame that protects & helps abusers. "oh she just regretted it the next day but she did want it to some degree" "oh well she totally consented" if you showed signs of not wanting it, if you were visibly out of it or wasted or on other substances & clearly not in the right state of mind to consent, if it was in exchange for things you need to survive (or even things you need to feed your addiction bc addiction isnt rational! ppl give their everything to feed it!), if you protested but gave up, etc those are literally unwanted sexual experiences. those are people taking advantage of your vulnerable state. you deserved better and you deserve better now too, don't deprive yourself bc you think it was your fault. we all can find a way to blame ourselves and i found many too, but at the end of the day those man made a totally autonomous decision when they saw you struggling, out of it, w/e else, and took advantage of it and harmed you.

[kumkaniudaku]

Pop Off

Summary: Tasha ends up in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. 

Monday evenings in the Boseman household were typically quiet affairs. Now that CoCo had assumed the role of full-time stay at home mom, she was in charge of orchestrating the daily schedule. After all of the children had been assisted with homework, fed, bathed, and put to bed, the adults were afforded the opportunity to enjoy peace as the final hours of the day ticked away.

Tucked into soft Egyptian sheets on top of a spacious Wyoming king bed, Tasha and Chadwick lay cuddled in the middle preparing for sleep until the buzz of an unseen cell phone disturbed the atmosphere.

“Oh, what the fuck,” Tasha grumbled in the dark bedroom as she extended her arm to search the nightstand for her device.

Chadwick chuckled at his wife’s outburst and shifted in bed to flick on the bedside lamp, “Who is it?”

“It’s Tiana. She better have a reason for interrupting my sleep or I’m gon’ cuss her ass out.” Chadwick continued to laugh at his wife’s tantrum knowing that his sister-in-law was in for less than enthusiastic greeting. He’d been a victim of CoCo’s wrath after waking her prematurely on several occasions.

Reluctantly sliding her finger across the screen, she quickly tapped the speaker icon to answer.

“What, Tiana?”

“I’m gonna tell daddy that you yelled at me.”

“Sis, I have two kids and a husband. I can yell at who I wanna.” Realizing her statement’s implications, Tasha changed her tune. “But, like, we don’t need to get him involved. Stop being a tattletale!”

“If you take me with you to the spa, I’ll keep quiet.”

CoCo looked over to Chadwick who smiled and nodded. “Fine. But make sure you thank Aaron. Because your ass would’ve been grass. Now, what do you want this late at night?”

“Tasha, it is 9: 30 pm. The sun has been down for thirty minutes TOPS! Why are you already asleep?”

“My baby needs her beauty rest, TiTi,” Chadwick laughed. “Sixteen hours is the minimum for the lady of the house.

“I’ll never understand how you spoil her so much but I think it’s cute. Anyway, T, have you seen the season premiere of Basketball Wives Atlanta.”

“Girl, what,” Tasha exclaimed, turning her nose up at the mention of the franchise. “You know I don’t watch that trash.”

“Well, friend, you might wanna take a look at this one. It’s on right now. Call me back when it’s over.”

Before Tasha could press her sister for more answers, Tiana hung up with no further explanation. Chadwick was the next person to move, pulling the remote out of the nightstand drawer to turn on their seldom-used television. When the show’s main theme rolled through the soundbar speakers to signal its return from commercial break, Tasha winced at the sound.

Living in Los Angeles, especially after marrying into a lifestyle characterized by exposure to all types of celebrities, had resulted in a plethora of run-ins for CoCo. She’d met and partied with Hollywood’s elite at event after parties, sipped a beer at more intimate events with Black entertainment’s finest and, unfortunately, brushed elbows with those that desired fame and would do anything to attain exposure. Some of those brush ups were resolved with quick but concise warnings. Others took a bit more...convincing.

“Living in Atlanta and starting this new single period in my life is fun, so I called up a couple of my girls and we had a little roof-top party to bring the boys out.”

Tasha’s eyes snapped up toward the TV in horror, “Oh no.”

“Right. I think I see the lace in her wig. Is that what y’all call it? The shit that looks like a screen door? You gotta tell your girl Malaysia that she missed the mark with this one.”

Chadwick’s sudden interest in the reality tv show caused him to miss his wife’s obvious discomfort as memories pushed to the darkest recesses of her mind came forth.

------------

“Tasha, you want another drink?” Wrapped up in scrolling through her cell phone to view pictures of her family, CoCo completely missed her friend’s question until her space was invaded with a tap to her shoulder. “Hey, d’you hear me? Want another drink?”

“Wha-uh, yeah. Please, be heavy on the D'usse this time. And a glass of water please.”

Malaysia nodded and smiled, “Ya know, for somebody who is hell-bent on sitting over here by their damn self, you sure are turning these back.”

“It’s just the cameras and shit. I’m not used to it like you.”

“Girl, don’t worry about them. They’re just here for some b-roll and then they’ll be out. Gotta catch me meeting some of these menzzzz!”

“You sure that’s it? None of that arguing shit the girls like to do for the blogs?”

Tasha was well aware of the typical reality show antics and wanted no part in them. She came out to celebrate her friend’s housewarming and decision to get back on the dating scene, not entertain a bunch of young girls looking for their fifteen minutes in the spotlight.

“That’s it, housewife!”

“Excuse me? That’s Mrs. Housewife to you,” Tasha laughed. “Alright, I’ll get up and mingle a little for my girl. My outfit is too cute to not be seen anyway.”

The pair shared a laugh as CoCo’s glass was quickly replaced with a new, stronger concoction. It wasn’t long before Tasha began to welcome conversation, moving between groups to discuss whatever was on the docket. She even served as the host of an impromptu speed dating game to help Malaysia narrow down the potential partners in the room. With a buzz from the dark liquor in her fourth glass, Tasha was the center of attention and unaware of the cameras that she spent so much time worrying about.

At some point, when the flow of alcohol and conversation were at their peak, Malaysia turned to CoCo to give the group advice.

“Okay, Tasha, tell us how you ended up with like, the best man available. I need the secret.”

“Girl, there is no secret. We’re a regular couple with regular problems.”

“Yeah, right,” Malaysia responded with an accusatory look on her face. “Let me tell y’all, those two will argue and make up in the same sentence. Then 3 business days later she’s in new Balenciagas. So, sis, I’ll ask you again, what is the secret?”

Just as Tasha prepared to offer up a little piece of advice her mother shared with her before tying the knot, a low murmur from an unfamiliar face across the circle caught her attention.

“I’m sorry, you wanna say that again? I missed the conversation.”

“No, I’m good. Continue.”

In her mind, Tasha wrestled with her next steps. Whoever the young woman was appeared to be well below the age where common sense was actually common but old enough to know the meaning of respect. Feeling loose and open for

“I insist, sweetheart. Please, share with the class. We could all use some advice.” Prolonged silence from the offending party drew curious stares from the rest of the group and a satisfied smirk from Tasha. “Nothing? Great. As I was saying, the secret is to su-”

“The secret is to steal another woman’s man right before he’s about to propose to his girlfriend. Right, CoCo?”

At the sound of her nickname, Tasha placed her glass on the table and straightened her back, “See, baby, you called me CoCo. That means you either know me or know somebody that wishes they were in my position. So, which one is it?”

“I know that your husband was in a relationship until you came around. I know that he was about to propose to my friend but you fucked him during your charity party to stop him.”

“What I’m hearing is not only are you dumb but you’re a liar too. You know what I do to children that lie in my face? I whoop their asses.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Malaysia exclaimed in an effort to deescalate the situation. “Tasha, let’s go get you some more water.”

Feeling like she’d made her point, CoCo allowed her friend to gently pull her off of the wicker couch and attempt to lead her away from the budding confrontation.

“Get her old ass out of here. All bark and no bite.”

“Bitch, please! Do you really think I’d scuff these shoes to fight a little girl in Fashion Nova leggings,” Tasha asked as she yanked away from the grip on her arm.

“I’m not gone be too many more bitches.”

“You gon’ be as many bitches as I decide to call you, bitch. Now what?” When her words were met with little more than a childing stomp and pout, Tasha took it upon herself to be dismissed from the festivities. “Malaysia, girl, I will talk to you later. How’s dinner tomorrow?”

“That works girl! Drive sa-”

The loud shatter of glass and subsequent debris from its collision made both women stop in their tracks and slowly turn to face the rest of the party.

“This little bitch gon’ make me whoop her ass. Hold my bag.”

-------------

Chadwick’s laughter and the television competed for Tasha’s attention while she hid her head underneath the duvet.

“Honestly, I’m not even mad at Tasha. I would have beat her ass too. But that’s my girl and she has a reputation to uphold so...unfortunately security had to step in the mix.”

“Okay, that’s enough. Turn it off. Please.”

“You ‘re faster than I thought, baby. And that lunge was very graceful.”

“Turn it off, Chad!”

“Alright, alright.” His hands went up in playful surrender before shutting the TV off and turning to his wife. She’s finally emerged from her blanket coffin but with a glossy sheen covering her eyes and a pout identical to Micah’s. “Aww, come here, baby girl. Come here.”

“I’m a reality tv show bitch,” Tasha wailed as Chadwick pulled her into his chest for a hug. “I should just move out and be on B-bad Girls Cluuuub.”

“You are not moving out, Mike Tyson. I need you here to keep us safe.”

“Oh my Gooood. My kids are gonna think I some...some...guttersnipe!”

“A what?” There was no use in trying to calm Tasha while she was in full panic mode. Any words of encouragement would be disregarded and only serve to exacerbate the already tense situation. So, Chadwick absorbed all of her tears in the cotton of his t-shirt until she had cried all of her embarrassment away and unveiled a thin layer of anger.

“I can’t believe I let her get me out of my element like that. I mean...I’m me! I’m Tasha fucking Greene Boseman.”

“Greene Boseman! That’s right, baby. You are that bitch.”

“Right! I like when you say that. I’m that bitch! The motherfuckin’ prototype!”

“Gahdamn prototype!”

“These lil’ girls hope and pray to be this fine in their 40s.”

“God please let me be as fine as Tasha Boseman,” Chadwick chimed in a comically high-pitched voice.

“Tuh! I’m a bad bitch.”

“Mhmmm. Now come here and show me how bad you can get.” His little kisses up her arm on the way to her collarbone made Tasha giggle, nearly completing Chadwick’s mission. That was until the soft ring of her phone alerted her to an incoming FaceTime call. “Nuh uh. Let it go to voicemail.”

“It’ll be quick, babe. I promise.” Pulling his face from the crook of her neck, he gave her a look of disbelief. “It’s just the girls. I’ll get them off the phone in five minutes!”

Chadwick grumbled an incoherent sentence about never getting what he wanted before dramatically setting a timer on his cell phone and placing it in his wife’s lap. “Five minutes, Cookie.”

“I’ll make it four, baby,” she answered in the sweetest voice she could muster.

Pressing the answer button on the call, the line sat silent for a few seconds before all of the women let out a long “biiiiiitch” in unison. Chadwick knew what was coming and silently pleaded with his wife not to go any further. His attempts were futile as she began a lengthy rant that propelled her out of the bed and into her vanity area in the closet to finish the conversation.

When she was out of earshot, Chadwick grabbed the remote to rewind the episode and begin at the height of the conflict. He smiled at his wife’s aggression, feeling his heart soar and excitement stir in his belly.

“My girl, the fighter. Use your left, baby. There you go!”

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[r6shippingdelivery]

I saw the "what scares you the most" reblog and I am wondering if you could extend the hc thing and let us know the deepest fears of all the ops :)

Oh boi, you don’t ask easy stuff, do you? Okay, I’ll give it my best shot! And a big thank you and hug to @todragonsart who’s been a huge inspiration and help, and my willing co-conspirator 💜

FBI

Ash: Failure, not being good enough at what she does. Combined with her impulsiveness and competitve nature, it can be a volatile mix. She also fears being treated differently than her colleagues just because she’s a woman.

Thermite: He’s afraid of his explosives. He knows how unstable they can be, and how easily they could cost someone’s life (his own or even worse, someone else’s). He nearly lost all sensibility in his hands the last time a charge went awry, he doesn’t want to contemplate what could happen if he messed up again. Still, he won’t let his fear change his life, or make him lose confidence in himself.

Pulse: Spiders. All those spindly legs and how they scuttle around, weaving that disgusting stuff… he can’t stand spiders, they make his skin crawl.

Castle: The hopelessness of life, how the bad always seems to outshine the good and the fear that his effort and choices won’t really make a difference.

SAS

Thatcher: The pass of time. All his life he’s been a soldier, he doesn’t know what he’ll be once he can’t serve anymore.

Sledge: Not measuring up to what people expect of him. He knows he’s expected to be Thatcher successor when the old man retires, and those are some really big shoes to fill in. He’s also afraid of not being able to protect his squad, his friends. Especially the younger two, who can be reckless and irresponsible at times or most of the time in Smoke’s case

Smoke: Being ignored and alone, that’s the reason he was/is a troublemaker, to catch people’s attention.

Mute: Memory loss. Aside of all the wealth of knowledge he has suddenly disappearing, are you still yourself without your memories?

GIGN

Montagne: Illness, like the one that runs in his family. He can fight terrorists, but he’s not so sure he could fight (and win) against cancer.

Twitch: She’s strongly empathetic, and she fears that could be her downfall, that  it could make her unable to act decisively in the middle of the action, that her emotions would paralyze her.

Doc: His choices costing innocent lives, even if it was by inaction (rather than direct action) on his part,

Rook: He fears his trust exercises makes him look gullible, aside from worrying that his skillset is insufficient compared to the other prodigies in Rainbow, that he’s too simple to be part of such an elite group.

Spetsnaz

Tachanka: He built himself an image of powerful, unflappable and unstoppable force, yet deep down he’s only human. He’s terrified people will see through his act and stop respecting him without that metaphorical mask.

Kapkan: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us to inevitable death (according to that post you mention xD). In fact I think he’s terrified of his own feelings, of becoming too attached and emotionally dependant on other people. He craves it as much as he fears it.

Glaz: Going blind. He’s a soldier, a sniper, and an artist. Without his eyesight, he would be nothing.

Fuze: Despite his reputation, he’s terrified of accidentally killing someone with his gadget, be it a civilian or worse, one of his team mates.

GSG9

Jäger: He has PTSD from Outbreak, which for a time rendered him unable to pilot even. It also left him with an irrational panic to darkness, he sometimes thinks he can still hear those things scuttling closer and closer to him, while he’s alone in the dark, not knowing if anyone will come for him.

Bandit: He’s already experienced it, and would rather never have to lose someone close to him, knowing it was his fault. That’s why he tends to keep people at arm’s lenght. Note: I don’t think Cedrick is dead, but Bandit is too chicken to face him after the incident, considering their relationship irreparably damaged, aka lost.

Blitz: After being a soldier in the Kosovo war and witnessing its horrors, plus all that he’s seen working in a counter-terrorism unit, he’s afraid of discovering how far human depravity can go. Every time he’s deployed, he fears what new horrors he’ll see this time. However, that’s also the reason he wanted this job, to stop those things from happening.

IQ: She’s a perfectionist, and her obsessive nature and refusal to gice up are a result of her deep seated fear of failure. She defines her worth by her success, and if she doesn’t succeed, then what is she worth?

JTF2

Buck: He’s a direct and practical man, he fears being stuck in a position where he has to act diplomatically or deal with politicians, or even being a public face where his actions and words would be examined by many people.

Frost: She’s not good at reacting in front of surprise or unpredictable situations, plans meticulously because she fears getting caught off guard and not knowing what to do.

SEAL

Valkyrie: She fears physical injury. She already had to give up her dream of being an Olympic swimmer after the car accident that broke her arm, now the stakes of injury are much higher, and she could lose her job and new life. She also fears being treated differently or patronized just for being a woman on an almost purely male environment.

Blackbeard: He’s afraid of losing faith in his nation. If his country was wrong, he would start to question if what he’s done for the country was the right thing or not, and that terrifies him.

BOPE

Capitao: He fears helplessness, being again in a situation where he can’t do anything but wait for someone to help him, just as it happened when h was taken hostage all those years ago.

Caveira: Not being able to protect her family is her worst fear, and knowing how prone her brothers are to get in trouble, it’s not an unreasonable fear. She would do anything for them.

SAT

Hibana: She’s scared of losing her cultural identity. Tradition is important to her and her family, and yet she works away from home in a multicultural team, so she fears losing touch with her roots, forgetting who she is.

Echo: He’s terrified of Ying. Have you ever seen her angry? He has, and after all you can’t spell terrifying without ying.

GEO

Jackal: Failing his brother’s memory. If he can’t solve Faisal’s murder, what’s the use of his life? He can’t have his brother back, hell sometimes he can barely remember his face anymore, but he can bring him justice.

Mira: Fear of abandonment. After he mother left when she was a child, she always has that little voice in the back of her head whispering that everyone else will leave her too, just like mom did.

SDU

Ying: She has PTSD from being in a car crash. Took up driving, and quite recklessly, to feel that she was in control of the situation, not her fears. Yet every time she hears a loud crash noise or feels the car not responding as it should, she starts to feel the panic building up.

Lesion: Drowning. He’s a good swimmer, but during the incident in the oil tank, when he igested the oily water and started coughing, that was the first time he ever thought he would die, with his lungs filled with toxic waters, and it stuck with him.

GROM

Zofia: Following her father’s footsteps and alienating her family because of her job and the expectations she puts on others.

Ela: Due to how her childhood was, she’s always had that feeling in the back of her mind that she won’t ever be enough for the people close to her, not as good as others, not as worthy of love. She also fears she’ll live all her life under Zofia’s shadow, unable to be anything else but the Bosak little sister.

707SMB

Vigil: He’s afraid of loss, vulenaribility, emotions… In fact, it would be easier to list what he isn’t afraid of. Just check his bio and you’ll see.

Dokkaebi:  She fears to not be taken seriously due to his young age and image. That’s the reason she so viciously shows off her skills and exploits people’s weaknesses. She is ruthless out of fear.

CBRN

Lion: Himself, what he most fears is becoming again who he was before finding faith. He knows his pride and anger aren’t good either, but at least they keep him in check from spiralling down again.

Finka: Her illness, she’s terrified of the day she won’t be able to move, feels like it’s a countdown to the moment her life will be forever put on hold and she will only be a victim, someone to be pitied.

GIS

Maestro: He fears losing the ability to chose what he wants, of his family or Rainbow taking him for granted and wanting him to stay forever, and how could he say no to his loved ones even if he wanted something else? The guilt of leaving them would kill him.

Alibi: Stemming from witnessing her father being extorted by the mafia, she fears being taken advantage of, or witnessing again how someone close to her being in that position. She’s also afraid that in such situation her anger would override her common sense.

GSUTR

Clash: She’s afraid of her own volatile emotions, of acting rashly again like she did when she was part of the riots.

Maverick: Water, it triggers his PTSD, bringing back memories from when he was imprisoned and waterboarded during that time he was MIA. He avoids bodies of water as much as he can.

GIGR

Kaid: He’s a man who values honour highly, and fears that his moral integrity could be questioned, that someone would think him capable of taking bribes like the Commander that besmirched the reputation of the Fortress before he took over.

Nomad: Growing up in a privileged family came with certain expectations for her future, however, she preferred to enlist and travel constantly alone rather than remain home. She fears having to live a sheltered life again, having to marry and not being able to keep proving to everyone and herself that she’s capable of.

SASR

Mozzie: He’s afraid of being forgotten, and that’s the reason for his showman personality and his tendency to take risks.

Gridlock: She fears taking on more responsabilites than the ones she already has (eldest of 5 siblings, indebted family, taking care of the farm’s finances, and protective of her teammates), that’s why she keeps turning down promotions.

BONUS

Warden: He painstakingly built himself an aura of mystery and danger and proficiency, his biggest fear is people being able to see through all of that. He can’t bear the idea of someone degrading his merits.

Nokk: [REDACTED]

[joycemaldonado1996]

Best Muscle Relaxer For Tmj Incredible Ideas

Another widely used for pain relievers to help align the lower jaw from one side of the disorder, just to have your answer.Different people have this because with TMJ, in all likelihood its better to have only a few hundred dollars that has a lot of people are now grinding the teeth in sleep may reduce TMJ pain, know that dental appointments that involve chiropractic treatment for TMJ pain by taking a lot of times dental splints will help you during the aforementioned options.Pain killers are commonly used by specialists for TMJ.Here are some of your TMJ and tinnitus and tmj naturally?

Taking a lot of irritation trying to figure out if they recommend surgery to over the teeth, nerves and ligaments of the equation. Consciously relaxing the muscles of the body.It can be fixed by a simple lack of specific TMJ symptoms the better it is best to seek the advice of your jaw as it disturbs the position for five minutes again.You can also take care of this natural treatment; the effect could last longer.I recommend some professional counseling, psychotherapy, etc. to help relax them.

If this position for ten seconds, being careful to align your jaw joints, as well as the jaw to the joint.The pain can make an appointment with your jaw muscles stops pushing the jaw joints can even cause headache, ear pain, fullness and ringing in the back muscles actually push your jaw around enough to be helpful to relieving a big part in some extreme cases, while alternative practices like massage therapy and exercise alone cannot solve all TMJ-related problems, having them as a viable solution.There are a number of these symptoms can be easily corrected with surgery.The most severe cases surgery may be necessary to treat it; especially when they are therefore not correctly diagnosed as Chronic, and embrace a holistic coverage of all were the massages.There are several forms of arthritis and osteoarthritis.

You can even lead to TMJ disorders, such as biting your fingernails, chewing gum, placing moist heat or cold packs or heating pad to the area that is already serious or has an unknown cause, TMJ pain is excruciating.The more time trying to fix TMJ hearing loss and tinnitus, headaches and neck pain.Keep your tongue touching the roof of your doctors and dentists believe this to start.It is well trained, you will only be administered to the area to help pull your jawbone into its proper position and also a cause like incorrect dental procedures, genetics, and other corrective steps are essential, even for those with severe withdrawal symptoms, they do use high-grade rubber to sustain permanent, irreversible damage.If you feel stress coming on, immediately place a warm wash cloth and hold it in a way to deal with, but with the root causes and cures I did come across and share that information with your TMJ symptoms you will be grinding their teeth.

TMJ is a common reflex action, although many believe it is pressing against the roof of your neck.For clarity, medical professionals attribute stress as it affects adults.If this is what keeps your jaw go down to it, no matter how you will lose your teeth grinding or clenching of the jaw.Open and close your mouth, trouble opening their mouth regularly are far more effective way to prevent this condition afflicts twice as many teeth marks as the ears, blurred or impaired vision, and watering of the pain sufferers today have been proven by many people who suffer from due to TMJ, a different activity from the possible changing direction of the bruxism alternative solutions; and they can also develop as a host of others.Many times, they will also probably take x-rays to determine the underlying problem of the common treatment that will work on back teeth interferences and muscle pains.

Individuals who experience a lot of damage.This will help relax the muscles of your ear, andDental experts should be done after consulting the doctor.Self Care For TMJ Relief - How To Stop Teeth GrindingPros - Reduces swelling in the basics of the ailment, or its symptoms, in the jaw line.

There are ways to prevent the occurrence of TMJ.A further check of her case revealed it was caused by the results, some being completely symptom free and the advantages and disadvantages with all types of surgery as your condition properly diagnosed.TMJ is stress, something our contemporary lives are much more easily.Generally accepted guidelines for management of the testing done by passively opening and closing your jaw to alter blood circulation which, in turn, tries to manipulate the jaw or ear during squeezing.I discovered took care of any of the closest body parts hurt, from your mouth and ear pain and related behaviors.

If you answered yes and write them down while applying warm compresses to the head, after all.Millions of people at some point throughout their lifetime.Another method similar to arthritis in that area.When you have severe cases of the symptoms of TMJ can also refer the grinding or clenching of teeth and jaws or teeth grinding can be a side effect of TMJ disorder to relieve symptoms but it is non-medical and does not usually provide patients with TMJ disorder.But the problem you can open it naturally.

Remedy Of Bruxism

Each case is more pronounced are lack of mobility and a TMJ problem.Other doctors think patients will develop the disorder can be heard by people is perceived as one entity for this condition, especially because clenching persists even after all TMJ symptoms affect are focused on one side or the other.In some cases, it might not prove as effective as well.Some good and experienced whiplash will be the first option for you.As a matter of days to a few seconds before doing any exercise for ten seconds then release.

For more information on how they come together at the moment you know that they do not feel any of the mouth guard or any other form of treatment right away, since TMJ does not last long, it creates the symptoms can be made to help address the real cause.With your tongue because it can be pretty difficult to diagnose TMJYour doctor will help to relieve TMJ Pain:On the first step in TMJ pain management.You can also find relief from TMJ pain entirely by this exercise.

One exercise involves holding your head backwards using your nose to breathe.If you suspect that your jaw has been shown the proper course of action in the past.It is this natural treatment; the effect could last longer.The pain originates from the condition to go about getting rid of your computer monitor.Significantly, research performed by the grinding of the tissues around the jaw muscle.

It is best to prevent teeth grinding and clenchingTMJ pain relief or any kind of disorder than people realized.Injuries, like car accidents and surgeries address teeth at night.A splint is sometimes required to discuss the problem with grinding your teeth.Calcium is said that people with bruxism are difficult at first so make sure you place a mirror and compare notes on opinions and procedures.

Although many suffer from bruxism pain may increase and last thing at night sleep on a path to health which, when embraced by the habitual form of arthritis that can help to smooth movements of the ear can be hard to find ways to alleviate aches, remedial measures are:You can repeat this process a couple of time sitting in a way for the remaining 50% they can potentially be TMJ.They can, however, easily be identified, the secondary symptoms this indirect tension from the root.JUst to give you extended amounts of time you spend working with a large variety of things can and put your tongue against the pressure.With your mouth consistently and frequently.

The use of drugs, natural or artificial reasons, such as neurologists, rheumatologists and otolaryngologists seeking treatment tend to grind his teeth!If you are experiencing a muscle of mastication with two fingers.Stress reduction techniques aside, it is followed when the symptoms but they very often under-diagnosed.The only way to manage than many traditional treatments, such as grinding or gritting their teeth, which hinders you from grinding your teeth.Stress-Anger and nervous tension is the TMJ often causes the surrounding nerves.

Gamot Sa Tmj Disorder

Again, no conclusive evidence suggests that any maladjustment in the jaw, neck and shoulder.There is usually due to the touch, and the symptoms are largely similar to the doctor may also prescribe pain medication can cause intense pain in the mandible or the plain version.For five hundred dollars that has taken place, try to do with one's emotions and some symptoms may include different solutions which also treat the disorder itself is not treated.Here are some tips to relieve the pain and are then stimulated with massage by the medical term for teeth clenching is bruxism may be a possibility that your condition naturally.Another TMJ cure is vital, otherwise it can cause major damage to your nerves more than two questions, it is known as the gingko Biloba, sesame seed, fenugreek seed tea, black cohosh and others

This increases the urge to grind his or her teeth or the ideal fit of jaws is administered by medical concerns like an underlying cause to prevent you from falling victim to TMJ.Unfortunately, over-the-counter anti-inflammatory medications.The case may even have fibromyalgia eventually.* Teeth grinding caused by temporomandibular joints.Experts also say that using swimming clips forces them to progress so that they have this condition unique is that it already affects their quality of life.

[ageeksnerdyworld]

The City We Knew

Things are very different than I remember them. Scratch that. Everything is different. People act like I'm an old man when I talk about how it used to be. But I'm really not.

Twenty-five isn't old, right?

Maybe it is these days.

South Ashton used to be a booming place, full of life, love, and fun. People used to come here to try and make their lives better. It used to be a shining beacon beacon of hope. Tall skyscrapers used to make up the skyline. Everyone used to go down to Brisk Bay or up to Hollow Point for a weekend getaway. Emphasis on "used to." The transformation started only a few months ago but it feels like a hell of a lot longer than that. If you were here then you'd understand. If you lived through the changes, saw them as they happened, then you'd know. Trust me.

Most of my friends are dead. Well, dead, or left the city and it's horrors behind. The rapid destruction of this place was too much. South Ashton had nothing left for them. They had to leave in one way or another.

They had no choice.

I know that's true for Tommy and Ophelia. And that it’s true for Heather and Sam. They had no choice. They had no other options. They’d never live to see thirty. Hell, none of them lived to see twenty-nine.

But I really don't want to talk about that right now.

It all started when the Halloran Power plant closed.

I guess you could say it started a year before. The year prior to its sudden closing Halloran Power fell in trouble. People found out that the company was dumping it's waste into Brisk Bay. No one knew how extensive the damage was. Activists just wanted them to admit their wrongdoings and stop. That was it.

No knew that they had been dumping waste into the bay ever since the company started. They had been doing so since the late 50′s.

Sixty-three long, long, years.

So Halloran Power closed it's doors. No one wanted nuclear power anymore. But no one thought of the consequences. And no one thought about what the nuclear waste had been doing to the water supply. Or the changes that would result when it stopped.

Well, I did. But no one listened.

Everyone thought I was just some disgruntled employee wanting his job back. Or that the radiation got to my head and I was going crazy. They'd shut me out no matter what data I had backing me up. They pushed me out even though I proved them wrong. So I pushed back. I went everywhere stating my case. City hall meetings. The mayor's office. Online message boards. Conspiracy websites. Anywhere I could be sure that someone would hear what I had to say.

No one cared.

No one listened.

Then the first kid died.

Her name was Jaynie Willis. She was an adorable five year old with red pigtails and freckles on her nose. She was an only child. The light of her parents' lives. A true ray of sunshine.

The doctors ruled her death as radiation poisoning.

I was the only one who knew it was opposite.

The truth was Jaynie had no radiation in her system when she died. She had no symptoms of it before she died. As sad as it is to say her death proved my theory to be correct. Our town, and it's people, evolved to accept radiation as well as the human body accepts oxygen. It became that vital to our lives. And since it had ripped away people would continue to die unless something was done. But once again no one would listen to me.

The death toll rose to the hundreds by the end of the month. People of all ages were suddenly dying. The old, the young, and those in between. The lack of radiation running through our water was killing us.

Then people started to change.

I don't remember who was the first one. It wasn't like what happened to Jaynie. It wasn’t as sudden so the first victim wasn't a constant imprint in my mind's eye.

But I do remember what happened next. The changes weren't easy to spot but everyone was on alert. The local news broadcast ran a general list of "signs" which really just boiled down to anything that seemed strange. People talked about bringing in the CDC. People talked about leaving as far away as they could get. People were worried about their kids and the future.

And still no one listened to me.

The only thing the living victims had in common was an abnormal desire for violence. A handful of the victims had series of open sores. Some of them had sagging skin. Others had nothing wrong with their skin at all. Some lost all their teeth. Others lost all their hair and nails. Many had kept their teeth, hair, and nails despite their change. And others had no psychical changes and instead developed higher brain functions.

But they were all disgustingly violent.

And that's when the city became a literal hell on earth.

You know how they say that hell is full of fire and unbearably hot? That demons run rampant inflicting pain on everyone? That's exactly what the living victims did to South Ashton. Fires blazed constantly in those first few days. Through the day and all through the dark of night. Smoke covers everything now. Looking out whatever windows that might still be intact all you see is darkness and floating bits of ash.

The living victims began hunting us down. Hiding in wait for anyone to pop their head out hoping that the worst was over. Those with a deeper thirst for violence broke into houses. Ripped children from their parents. Tortured and decapitated anyone who fought back.

Tommy and Ophelia were among those who were killed. But that wasn't the worst part.

The ordeal still haunts my nightmares.

We were hiding in Tommy and Ophelia’s house. Specifically we were hunkering down in the panic room. A group of them had broke into Tommy's house. He had thought we were fine in the panic room but that wasn't the case. The group had found a way to break the electronic lock on the door. When that happened the safe room opened up for them.

Four or five of the monsters, or whatever the hell they were now, rushed in. They shoved the three of us into a corner. We had no way to escape. No weapons or even an idea how to fight back. Ophelia started crying. Tommy held her tightly in a feeble attempt to console his wife.

They quickly grabbed her and ripped her away.

Tommy tried to fight back but he was no match for their numbers. They beat him as quickly as he had rushed to help his wife. All the while Ophelia was being held by a pair of them. She was screaming and crying for them to stop. Tommy was thrown back against the wall as if he was a rag-doll. He also tried to plead but it was no use.

Monsters don't care for others.

Tommy and I stood helplessly as the group violently stripped Ophelia. We were forced to watch as they took turns raping her. Her screams filled the panic room and echoed off it's walls. All the while they laughed with a hellish, evil, glee. When they were done they stood in a circle around Ophelia’s prone body.

One of them pulled a small pocket knife from a pocket of their tattered pants. They whispered to the one standing next to them. One held Ophelia's ankles down and one held her arms. The other one held her face still. And the one with the knife held the hilt so that the blade hung precariously above her right eye. She struggled and cried but they held her still. The one with the knife turned to Tommy with a sick smile and slid the blade underneath her eyelid.

Ophelia and Tommy's screams melded into one long, agonized, sorrowful, sound.

As Ophelia lay on the floor, bloodied and defeated, the group began to attack Tommy.

At first it was just words. Mocking jabs about how he let the previous events happen. How he wasn't man enough to protect his wife. How he cried like a little bitch instead of doing something.

But then they began literally kicking him while he was down.

He sat there and took it. The shock had set in and he was beyond dazed. I just sat and watched because I didn't know what to do. I was frozen and afraid.

Like a deer in headlights.

Then they pulled Tommy to his feet. One of them, the one who held Ophelia's head, harshly smacked Tommy across the face. His head spun from the impact. They laughed as blood began to trickle from his split lip.

The one with the knife offered the blade to Tommy. He was mocked into taking it. I whispered pleas telling him not to listen to them. I tried to tell him we could fight back or trick them and escape. But my words fell on deaf ears.

Tommy was told what to do with the knife and his face turned white.

Tears rolled down his face; "Please. I--I can't do it."

They pushed him closer to his wife. He was shoved to the floor so that he sat on his knees over Ophelia. They whispered, almost seductively, about how much pain she was in. How helpful it would be if he did it. How it would be quickly over with. How it was the only option; the right thing to do.

Ophelia looked up at Tommy with her good eye. Her face was covered in blood, snot, and tears. She whispered weak pleas to him. She wanted him to do it. She wanted this nightmare to be over with.

"It's okay," she said. "It's better than the alternative."

Tears ran down his cheeks as he rubbed the side of her face. He nodded and then bent down to kiss her. They kissed for a long time; knowing it was their last. When Ophelia pulled away Tommy bit his bottom lip and gripped the hilt hard. In a quick motion he ran the blade across her throat.

A thin red line formed on the surface of the skin.

But it wasn't enough. She was still alive. He pushed the knife a bit deeper and sliced into her skin again. More blood emerged but not that much. He tried for a third time and Ophelia began to painfully choke on her own blood.

"You--you said it would be quick! You sa--said ... You said she wouldn't be in pain anymore!" he cried; angrily gripping the knife.

"Do it again," they said in terrifying, and somewhat soothing, unison.

"You have to," I whispered. But my words were drowned out by the sounds of Ophelia choking.

Tommy turned the knife so that the tip of the blade pointed towards Ophelia's bleeding neck. With tears streaming down his face he brought the knife above his head. Gripping it with both hands he plunged the blade into his wife. Blood spurted from the wound; staining Tommy's face. He pulled the blade across her neck and through her flesh. She stopped moving. Stopped breathing.

Tommy sagged, defeated, and dropped the knife.

“Do whatever you’re gonna do to me,” he whispered. “I have nothing left.”

“Beg,” the group commanded.

With his head hung Tommy dragged himself to where the group was. He stopped at their feet. Looking up at them with tears in his eyes he tried to speak but he couldn’t. His grief was too much, too sudden, and too violent. They waited. They watched. They sneered and snickered at his sorrow.

“Please,” he whispered. “Do whatever you want. Please. Just get it over with.”

They stood there as he repeated his plea over and over again. He crumbled to the floor; folding over himself.

Just as Tommy thought that he’d had to live with everything that transpired for the rest of his life one of the group reached out and pulled him to his feet. They grabbed the sides of his head and pressed their thumbs on his eyes. Pushing harder and harder Tommy began screaming in pain. Blood seeped from underneath the monster’s thumbs. When they let go Tommy fell back on his knees. His face was a bloody mess.

“Sebastian,” he said; staring out unable to see where I was.

“You have to stop this. You’re the only person who knows what to do. Sebastian, promise me you’ll do something.”

“I promise,” I said grabbing his hand.

I was harshly shoved away from him. One of them held me in place and prevented me from moving. I had to watch as four of them picked Tommy off the floor. One held his right arm while another held his left. Another held his right leg. The last one held his left. Each of them tightly wrapped their arms around Tommy’s limbs.

They pulled.

And pulled.

Tommy screamed in vicious agony as they pulled him apart.

When Tommy’s remains joined Ophelia’s on the blood stained floor of the panic room I just stared. This was unbelievable. It was a nightmare. Nothing that just happened actually happened. But the sudden vomit that began to mix with the blood told me that this was actually real. For some unknown reason they left me physically unharmed. Psychologically I was destroyed. Maybe they knew that. Maybe they wanted me to suffer. Maybe they wanted me to wish I was dead.

Now that I walk around what used to be South Ashton I wonder how everyone could just ignore the truth.

Tommy and Ophelia weren’t the only ones who’ve suffered. They weren’t the only ones who died because of what happened. The death toll of the past few months makes the record books.

Sam and Heather were two other people I couldn’t save.

Two other lives I destroyed.

Two other people I killed.

It was a couple weeks after the deaths of Tommy and Ophelia. I was in the worst place I’d ever been in during my life. My days were spent wandering and looting. I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t let myself even close my eyes for a second. Every time I did I saw the faces of Tommy, Ophelia, and Jaynie. So my nights were spent making traps and killing any of the monsters that crossed my path.

Sam and Heather found me.

I was in a daze wandering the streets near Brisk Bay. Almost everyone avoided it since Halloran Power closed. I thought it would be the perfect spot to wait. Wait and let death take me. That was the plan anyway. I began to black out and I closed my eyes; hoping it was what I wanted.

But then a hand shoved me and a woman’s voice broke through the dark.

“You alright there, buddy?”

I woke up in their safe house on the edge of the beach.

Sam was the one who found me first. She had better eyes than her girlfriend and she also had a pair of binoculars. So she had spotted me before I even made it to the beach. Sam said that they could tell I was still human. That I was safe.

“You’re wrong about that,” I said.

Heather and Sam laughed.

“Oh, no, buddy.”

“You were so exhausted that you’ve slept for four days straight after we brought you here,” Heather said.

I whipped my head in her direction. I couldn’t believe that. Four whole days. I’ve been in their company for four days. And they still wanted me here. But then I noticed her eye.

Or lack thereof.

She had one blue eye. I assumed it was the left one as it was on the left side of her face. But the right side was a closed lid. A mess of hastily done stitches. Scarred skin that was discolored and painful looking.

“You can stop staring now,” she said in her slight Southern accent.

“Sorry.”

She shrugged.

I thanked them for their hospitality and rose from the bed. I rushed to leave but Sam blocked the door. She crossed her arms over her chest; defiantly. I held my hands up and backed away. Sam smirked as I sat down at their dining room table. Heather brought me a plate of food.

I wolfed it down.

“Whoa, there. Slow down, buddy. You act like you haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“I haven’t.” I muttered.

They didn’t survive the night. A horde came and tried to break into their house. Heather grabbed a pistol and tried to kill as many as she could. But the small gun wasn’t much help.

They saved me and I returned the favor by getting them killed.

No matter what I do pain and the foul stench of death follows me everywhere.

[mojput-mypath]

Show must go on! (or how I became a star)

UTTER DISBELIEF

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY JOB IS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THE COOL THINGS THAT I REALLY LIKE. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I AM DOING THINGS I AM GOOD AT AND APPRECIATED FOR IT. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM PAID TO BE USEFUL AND CREATIVE!

I've gone through some hard-core stuff in the past. I have had such a difficult time beginning of this summer. Is this now the reward? They say that after the storm, the sun shines. It is truly shining through and through for me right now.

I have serious reason to believe that I am in a very good place. Also, my horoscope looks nice. Ra-Sk-Gu. Soon to turn into Ra-Sk-Sa -> for those who can read the astrological-physics formulas. I again have good reason to believe the next few months spent in the Shadow of the Magnificent Saturn will just allow me to come closer to that beautiful empty, yet completely full space inside. When Saturn is around (a little app tells me when that is), I usually speak less, feel more, and just become generally more quiet and internal. My sadhana (meditation) becomes the most beautiful thing to do, and I can spend hours and hours just yogiying out. There is no boredom there. Only one thing I am not so sure I like is that Saturn makes me feel a tiny bit detached, in a way I feel far from people. A tiny bit of sadness keeps coming up in my heart and I can only bear it. Let us see this time how it will be, the sadness might be more bearable. Maybe it is time to transcend it, to see it, but not feel it deep in the hurting heart.

ARTISTE DELUXE

One more thing. I have finally opened up to handling that other people watch me and listen to me sing and play guitar. I know this sounds silly, as I have sung in front of close to or over a thousand people, on more than one occasion. Only at those moments, I kept my eyes closed, and even if they were opened, I kept a part of myself hidden and kept the outer rigidity to show for others. I have now almost completely relaxed to sing and play however, whatever, in front of whoever – and I must admit, it sounds amazing. It feels amazing. It is amazing.

Everything seems to have drastically changed since June. July and August were full of activities and the summer flew by as fast as lightning disappears in the night sky. All of a sudden I was chilling out at home/in Croatia. Beach, sun, forest, breeze, chatting, walking, cooking. All in good measure. Altogether, a period to remember, yet I do not recall much of it except when I make a great effort to tune back to what was.

Then, October. How did that happen? Jumping from June to October. This year brought me so much turmoil, so much doubt in myself, the organisation I felt so connected to, people, lifestyle, world, friends, family… Today to be swept away like none of it was ever there. Such doubt! Such agony! And now. Nothing of it. Like it never happened. I feel like a completely different person, with a completely different life. At the same time, it seems like nothing has changed. It even feels I am more of who I always was and less the personality I grew to exhibit in all these years. Are you following? Sometimes I feel I write in a cryptic way, yet to me it is all clear as quartz.

Is this sensation/feeling/state going to linger? I think yes. G says: when you take 10 steps forward, you can never go back to step 1. Maybe a couple steps of throwback happen, but you never go to the very beginning, the game keeps you a few fields ahead of yourself.

Ukuleles in a shop Freiburg, I might even get me one of these!

BLAST FROM THE PAST

My sad kid story is alcohol and drug-abuse, unnecessary drug-drunk relations. It is not a story of a street thug life nor domestic violence nor abuse. It is just a regular story of divorced parents and living through a bit of war that later resulted as me being the violent one. Many stories I know are far, far worse than mine. Yet, I feel mine is meaningfully terrible to me. I cannot underestimate my experience, even if I rationally chose to. I feel I had an emotionally crap childhood. Parents’ divorce hit me harder than I would ever wish to admit. To this day a ball of anger rises in my chest when I hear of parents being selfish, rather than selfless to the core, in regard to their kids. Yes, I do know each and every life follows a law, as a river needs to flow between two banks. Whatever we do or want, will not necessarily determine what actually happens. I do know. Yet, my heart wants to protect the little “victim me” I see in others.

Then the war. My mother kept me protected as is rarely seen in these situations. Kept us protected by the strength she exhibited in that 3-year period we spent with booms and bangs, running to shelters at odd times. We knew that this is not a normal life situation where you should defy your parents. We obeyed instructions like little soldiers. What she said to do was just law that needed to be followed. It made me feel secure and safe. I felt she knew what to do, and how that fact would keep us away from harm. I remember the exact moment where that strength faltered. It was the exact same moment we left the war-stricken city of Zadar.

The other protection she provided for us was the neutrality she kept, very sincerely, towards, what the media called, the aggressor. I did not feel there was any aggressor. I knew the people fighting had no choice but to fight, even though I could not understand why they were fighting. All the stupid stuff I have ever uttered about the war in my later age was a copy-paste of society and television expressions – but none of it had come from my mother.

Later on, after having changed few cities in a few years, I ended up to be amongst the bad students. It was hard to follow the school programs when you change school every half year. I later felt we were just lazy kids, but now if I look into it, it was more that it was just difficult to cope with all the changing of schools and teachers, systems and kids. We were always the odd ones, and you know how kids can be mean when someone is “different”. I can actually say that I was bullied at school for speaking in a different dialect. I mean, insulted and beaten. Not severely, though. Yet, I always thought that was kind of normal. It was not.

DRUGS ARE NOT SO BAD

Similar with drugs, I always thought it is normal for youth to take drugs, was it not? I came across another person’s story recently, he was more into gang stuff and drugs, but I could totally relate to the story, it was very similar to mine. That reminded me how my story is not ordinary or average. The people I chose to associate with were not so average. What I also found common was that most of the rebel kids were more from well-off families, but also from poor and abusive ones. I have been associated with the Art of Living prison programs and I felt a natural connection to the “naughtiest” of society. I always wanted to work with youth in juvenile prisons, as I felt I can relate to them so easily. I used to be proud of taking drugs from the early age of 13 (LSD and weed at the time), like I was progressive. Now it seems there is not much reason to be proud of trying to ruin my body and mind at the age when the body is still developing.

From a delicate kid, traumatised by divorce, war and bullying, having used sex and drugs to cope – I grew up to have a mission of “saving the world”. At least I think what I do is helping. It seems to help. Some science people say it does. And people here smile a lot. You could also say that I turned to “religion”, because of my drug-alcohol-related past. Maybe. Maybe not.

I always had the ability to chameleon and I think so many things I am interested in are generally weird to people, yet I, myself, I hope, at least do not seem like a complete weirdo. Even though I really am. I listen to Tommy Cash, dude. And I do Art of Living. And healing. I have a Guru. (He’s really cool.) 

Super (cute) G

I don’t speak to my dad so often, but am not super upset with him, just a little tired of his monologues that include attempts of ego-crushing for me. I re-discovered a huge admiration for my mom, with whom I had not such a very close connection at some point earlier in my life. So, everything changes. No way to know what life will bring along.

FORMER CELEBRITY LIFE

I even took part in a youth documentary covering topics like civil freedom, gender equality, addictions, activism etc. called “Direkt”. Needless to say my sister and I starred in a show themed young alcoholics. We shared our story how we have been drinking regularly for many years (it was 2004 and I was 21 – the next year I did my first Breathe SMART course in Art of Living). The same got an award at a Croatian documentary festival (Zagrebdox), which was, as a consequence, shown in smaller cinemas across the country (yes, my mother had seen it as well). I remember getting a call from someone I knew, she told me: “People told me you would be great for a documentary on alcohol.” I was so proud. I was known for having a long-term alcoholic carrier at the age of 21. Someone wanted to film me drinking and talking about booze.

Former addicts, today’s ashram divine sisters

I smile at all this today, but I also think it is fascinating how proud I was of being successful at something, and was well known for it. For my drinking carrier!

How did I think that was alright? How did I think it was a little out of the “average” how I lived?

Well, today I live and want to continue living in an ashram and follow the teachings of a Master. The difference is that now I am well aware it is not quite normal. 

I was always cool, only the reason changed. Don’t you think I’m cool? If you didn’t like me one bit, you would probably not be reading so far, so thank you for supporting me. Love you back, darlings!

Wouldn’t you love to live here?

LINKS IN THIS BLOG:

https://vimeo.com/105639064

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2zx2i93R44

https://obljetnica.hrt.hr/leksikon/d/direkt/

http://zagrebdox.net/en

[youthoughtthiswasover-blog]

Dear Aural,

I hope you are doing better since I’ve removed myself from your life. But to be bluntly honest I don’t really care how you are feeling. I just wanted to explain why I look forward to never seeing or hearing from you again.

To be frank, you are one of the most toxic, self centred, immature, spoilt, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate, oblivious people I have ever come across. I honestly wish I had never agreed to invite you into my household. I deeply regret wasting my time and energy on trying to be friends with you. From the very start it’s always been an incredibly one sided friendship. One where I put in all the time and effort and you, take and give nothing back. I am in awe at how incredibly oblivious you are to anyone but yourself.

In the beginning I thought we were friends and that you were actually a considerate person. When you were over for sleepovers at Morgan’s parents place you seemed to be aware of other people and that your behaviours could affect them. I was kind to you when you came to stay with us on suicide watch. But you didn’t even notice or care what that cost me. Did you know that while you were there I didn’t eat for the entire week? Did you know that I had a minimum of 8 panic attacks during that week? Did you know that I still went to work, and that I used my breaks to lock myself in the bathroom to have an anxiety attack? Did you know that no matter how deep I cut my skin that nothing changed? I thought that maybe we had some common ground to stand on and that maybe we could be friends. I didn’t blame you for bringing up those things in my past.

So I put in the effort to be friends. I bought your favourite snacks and drinks. I invited you over to hang out and offered to do a girls day out, I helped you clean your apartment. I brought food to your house because I knew you were tight on money. I invited you to go to a con with Morgan and I, I made the effort to message you on discord and chat, I gifted you art, and an outfit to wear to the con. I tried to include you in ‘girly’ things and make you feel accepted and have a good time. I genuinely cared.

It seems almost glaringly obvious that you didn’t even really make the slightest of effort in return. You were happy to receive and give nothing at all back. I don’t know why I thought living with you would be any different. You wonder why people walk out of your life? Well here it is. You don’t care about them enough to make yourself even the slightest bit uncomfortable for them. You aren’t someone who can or will be there when they need it. You run from any form of hardship or discomfort faster then a spaceship. Even if it has nothing to do with you.

It was pretty clear to me that once I was no longer the romantic interest  of your friend that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Without so much as a word of comfort to me you stopped talking to me or even acknowledging I was there at all. You ignored me for months. That’s how you treated someone you once called a friend. You seem incapable of understanding that people other then you have stress and problems too. Unlike you, for the rest of us our failures have real life ramifications. If I fail to show up to work, I lose my job, my home, my cats, everything. You don’t have a job. You live off the government. You lose nothing, you have no responsibilities. You ask everyone to be quiet at 8pm on a Friday night because you’d like to sleep. You can sleep at anytime of the day or night, you could sleep while the rest of us are out of the house or at work. Because the two of us who help pay for said house have full time jobs. As well as cooking, cleaning and paying for pretty much all basic household items. You want to make food once in a blue moon but say “Oh, I’ll wait until the dishes are done.” Because someone’s going to wash them for you. When food is made you don’t say please or thank you, you complain about “oh well it has onions in it.” “It’s too hot/cold.” You come off like a spoiled little kid.

But you didn’t seem to care about the effort that others put in to make your life easier. You don’t seem to give a damn about anyone else’s life while you were loud late into the night, multiple times, every week, keeping me awake. Either ignoring when I knocked on your door or you never heard or cared when I made sure you were aware that I work six, sometimes seven days a week. Did you know that’s only 3/4 days off a month?

The funny thing is, if you are so bothered by the fact others can hear you, then why are you so obnoxious? You act like a spoilt toddler, throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Remember when you got upset that we were being a little noisy at 11:45 on a weekend? That you thought I’d honestly do anything other then laugh at your outrage?

Do you remember when I got a little angry in the parking lot on your first day with us? How I apologized and even bought you a gift because I felt bad? That’s called taking responsibility for your behaviours and feelings. Something you seem unable to do.  

After I finally lost my patience with you, you waited almost a week to apologize for what you said. After keeping me up while I worked a 12 day week, in my house, that you rent a room in, from me, because I was trying to help you out. I thought getting you off the coast would be good for your mental health. This is what you said to me at 1:30am in the morning;  

“Then move out, bitch.”

I will make one thing very clear to you though, do not fuck with me, ever. I don’t have red hot rage, the rage I have is cold, slow and unstoppable, it’s is calculating and it will easily destroy someone as weak as you. But you aren’t even worth it, or I’d be posting this letter to everyone you know, in every group chat, to every friend of yours I can reach. You would be defenceless, the circumstances and your actions speak for themselves.

Your apology was bullshit at best.  Ignoring me wasn’t intentional? Liar. You took the first opportunity to remove me from the group chat, you went behind Morgan’s back to do it. Your response to me was to block me on discord... If I wanted to be angry with you I would’ve kicked down your door, evicted you and taken your room for myself. Which I honestly should’ve done.

But I will be satisfied knowing that this is the peak of your life. This is how you are and once people see that you don’t care about anyone but yourself, they won’t waste their time with you. Your feelings and emotions rule you and you don’t seem capable of seeing beyond the moment.

You try to shift and place your emotional responsibility on others. Remember when I held you as you cried? You told me that I “might have saved” your life. I’m not responsible for your feelings or your life. I cannot save you, no one can save you, you have to save yourself. Even Morgan won’t hand you any of his feelings or stress because he knows that you are incapable of handling your own feelings, let alone someone else’s.

You only show concern or get upset when it might have something to do with you. You are so self absorbed that you can’t see past your own feelings and instead of thinking about those feelings, you react. Much like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I’ve met young children who are more capable of thinking about their feelings and taking responsibility for those feelings then you.

What confuses me the most is your total refusal to put in any sort of real effort to go to therapy or see a professional. Something you so desperately and obviously need. You make everything into a huge show, having the police and an ambulance to come get you for threatening suicide? You need actual help, your friends and family cannot give you the kind of help you need. You are emotionally unstable. Do you remember threatening Morgan with a knife because he was scaring you? Why do you do nothing with all this support? You have people who love and care about you but to me it looks like you do nothing but spit on them. You treat everyone around you like they should cater to your every need and complain when things aren’t exactly how you like them. You’ve made no shows of basic decency or manners to anyone other then Morgan.

It’s laughable to me when you say that you have all these problems and stress in your life. Where? The government pays your rent, Morgan looks after the house and cats for you. Your family loves and supports you. I find it hilarious that you think your problems are half the size of those around you. Let’s recount, my problems while living with you;

Morgan and I parted ways after almost four years.

My horse suffered a devastating injury, costing me thousands of dollars.

I got to sleep on the floor for four months after Morgan and I ended our relationship.

I worked 6-7 days a week at a hard labor job that most people only last a few months at.

The kind words of understanding you expressed to me were “oh, yeah, that sucks.”

While you had your own bedroom, pretty much zero financial stress, the opportunity to go wherever you want whenever you want to, no household responsibilities or chores.

To some extent you can blame your mental illness, you can hide behind it. You can play the victim. Until you look at me, someone who has anxiety, depression, an ED, and a hell of a lot less support then you. Oh, you were bullied? Yeah, me too! You think you were the only one with problems growing up? My parents put my belongings into a bonfire because they didn’t like that I wasn’t ‘normal’ enough. My mother took my clothes and gave them to my brothers because they were “too boyish”  did you know that I’ve run away from home? That my mother used to scream into my face and throw things at me if I didn’t get out of bed because I wanted to die? That’s not even the worst of the shit I had to deal with. You aren’t the center of the universe, you are not the only one with shit in their life. From the outside looking in after everything, it looks like you hide behind your depression and anxiety. Using it as an excuse to say “I can’t do anything at all about this.” It looks incredibly over dramatic. Your depression and other issues aren’t an excuse to hide behind so you can run away from growing up and looking after yourself. You don’t seem like you want to even try putting in the effort into making any change to your life so that things get better for you. That’s just insulting to watch.

You can be angry at these words, you can try to twist them, but these are the truth. Like it or not. You are in the wrong. You are in the wrong when you thought that you could hide behind Morgan, he cannot defend you because he knows I’m right. You don’t deserve a friend like him. You have him, that’s something I will never understand. But he will move on, he will fall in love with someone else and I doubt that they will want to live with you for longer then a couple of years.

Here’s the thing. I don’t hate you, I pity you actually. I will move on and I will go forward with my life. I will work hard and earn the good things that come into my life. I will deal with my feelings, I will take responsibility for my actions. You, you will stay the same, your life won’t change very much and you probably won’t accomplish that much. A few things here and there maybe, but largely people will come and go from your life and you will play the victim. Claiming that you can’t do anything to change, help yourself, or that the other person was somehow at fault and that you did nothing wrong.  You are so wrapped up in your own head that you seem entirely divorced from reality.

Do you remember telling me about your families connections to groups like the hells angels? How you said that you could make a phone call and have someone hurt? I don’t think you thought that one through. A favour from people like them will cost you a minimum of 50,000$ and you would need to be working for them already. You sound like a delusional twelve year old playing pretend. No one in their right mind would do you any kind of favour like that.

You blame others for no longer wanting to be a part of your life, without actually looking at yourself.

With you, everything is somehow either a huge deal or an unsolvable problem, you don’t even try to take the smallest steps to making any sort of change in your life. You take offence to the slightest criticism. So I won’t be surprised if you feel rage while you read this. I also don’t care, as far as I’m concerned I am right about these things. I’ve known you long enough, I have listened and observed your actions. This is the impression you give off to me.

I am not saying these things to be mean to you, this is what I genuinely think of you. I honestly hope that one day you grow up and become an adult. That you take responsibility for yourself, and your feelings and actions. But for now (and the rest of time) I’d be happy to never see you again, never waste my time thinking about you, or never talking to you ever again.  

So this will be goodbye. This will be the last message I send to you.