mojput-mypath

[mojput-mypath]

Where will the boat go? Kamo plovi ovaj brod?

HRVATSKI ISPOD Reading time: 4:29

How many lists people can make with how many plans? How many ideas for manifestation, and how many lifetimes will fulfill them all? Another year, another life, another millennium. Yet we keep planning, we keep manifesting, we keep wishing, we keep thinking we’re doing something important, something valuable, something long-lasting. We do. We keep doing it, and it fulfills us. Sometimes the same result does not fulfill us. We yearn, we beg God, we cry. And we keep receiving. We keep demanding. It doesn’t stop us. What really is the purpose of the whole charade? Do another course, learn another technique, become a teacher of another course. Teach, struggle, believe you’re making a change, and face the reality that you may not be making a change.

Plan to work, get more money, fix more things, become more skillful, have more pets, go to more places, enjoy more food, create, make, produce, sell, entertain, earn, and then again and again and again. For what? For a little bit of entertainment, to fill the time, to not feel guilty for wasting your life? For people to praise you, to fix the house, to be more comfortable, then hate the same comfort you’ve created? To be publicly accepted or rejected for being rebellious and feel righteous for it? Learn more, be better, feel strong, sync with others—but for whom? For what? For how long? Is there a moment of satisfaction, or is it just an empty race?

A life led by impulse, satiating the same needs. Full of meaning, yet meaningless. Full of achievements, yet useless. Every single step a tiny failure compared to the expectations you have set. If your expectations were tiny and you achieved something, then your achievement is huge. The hunger for fame, for recognition, for being visible, for being loved. Money. Fame. Progeny. There is no fourth. When all three are fulfilled, then what? Death? Hunting for the end of all desires through desires.

Wanting to leave a written trail, a name to be remembered and revered. Children to honor their parents and grandparents, placing them on a pedestal, grateful for their hardships and their lives. Building a business, sustaining it, putting yourself out there in the market, selling who you are, what you are, what you love. Convincing others that you are authentic, that you are true in meaning, while others, untrue, succeed in showcasing their authenticity. Spending money to showcase, to gain money. Earning, spending, earning, spending, saving to spend. So what is the purpose? To carry on and just do? What is the purpose of constantly feeling a little bit unsuccessful, not enough, feeling the need for investment and self-improvement because you are not enough—your body is not enough, your skills are not enough?

Going deeper into the root cause: Wanting to be the best student, yet ending up as the mediocre one—never even opening the book, feeling incompetent without making the effort. What is it that holds me back from moving forward?

What kind of family heritage or beliefs about who I am and what I deserve are holding me back? I used to just do, do, do, working as hard as I could because it was the “donkey work.” Don’t get me wrong, it did pay off—just doing all the time did bring results. But at the same time, it led to exhaustion, burnout, and an inability to balance work and rest. Now, being aware of the futility of so much donkey work is stopping me from moving forward. Or is it? Where do I strike the balance—doing without being lazy, yet not doing just for the sake of doing? I want to make sense of it—having a clear goal, steps toward that goal, and a solid execution plan.

I feel it in my bones; it’s there, but I can’t fully produce it, as if I’m waiting for someone or something to show me the sign—that this is where I should go, this is what I should do. Before, I had so many desires, and my whole life was driven by them, by the insistent drive toward a particular goal. Even if it seemed less achievable at the time, I achieved them all. Now, I’m ready for a bigger step—stepping into my true purpose with thoughtfulness, careful planning, good execution, stability, and long-term gain.

I have this huge fear that in a split second, I’ll have aged and only realize that I’ve wasted time when I could have invested myself in something that would bring me security, stability, and comfort. I used to be someone of short-term goals, big, bold projects. Again, maybe it’s just age, but now I just want to build something from these small foundations I have—something big, strong, and consistent. I fear I’m a bit late for all of this because I feel I wasted 10 years of my youth. Maybe many people have, but I feel it strongly—not as regret, but as a reality.

I look at young people who are 35 and see that they’ve at least built a well-rounded, strong foundation for whatever they are doing—whether through education, university, traveling abroad and learning, or starting a business, even having children. And now, they can say that in their 40s, they already have 5-10 years of experience behind them. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m at the very beginning of what I really want to do—something I’ve wanted for so many years: to combine my greatest passion, my family, and my personal desire for achievement into one wholesome, long-term project.

I’m unsure where my journey will take me. Is this just another empty desire that will lose its power, and life will continue as this? Or is it real, showing its true nature, destined to manifest because it is the only path laid out in front of me? I am uncertain and impatient, but also knowing that time swallows everything, and so it will swallow my feelings. Life will unfold as it was meant to be. Looking back, I will have said: the journey was perfect, the process necessary, and the beginning inevitable.

The journey was perfect in its nature. Because the past is carved in stone, and the future is fluid. Will the hero achieve its best? Is the hero already achieving its best? That remains to be seen. Until then.

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Vrijeme čitanja: 4:29

Koliko čovjek lista planova može napraviti? Koliko ideja za manifestaciju, i koliko života treba da ih sve ostvarimo? Još jedna godina, još jedan život, još jedno tisućljeće. Ipak, nastavljamo planirati, manifestirati, željeti, vjerovati da radimo nešto važno, nešto vrijedno, nešto trajno. Radimo. I rad nas ispunjava. Ponekad nas isti rezultat ne zadovoljava. Žudimo, preklinjemo Boga, plačemo. I dalje primamo. I dalje tražimo. Ne zaustavljamo se. Koja je zapravo svrha cijele ove predstave? Završiti još jedan tečaj, naučiti još jednu tehniku, postati učitelj još jednog tečaja. Podučavati, boriti se, vjerovati da mijenjaš svijet, a suočiti se s realnošću da možda ne mijenjaš ništa.

Planirati posao, zarađivati više novca, popravljati još stvari, postati vještiji, imati više ljubimaca, ići na više mjesta, uživati u više hrane, stvarati, proizvoditi, prodavati, zabavljati, zarađivati, trošiti, i opet ispočetka. Zašto? Za malo zabave, da ispunimo vrijeme, da ne osjećamo krivnju što smo prokockali život? Za hvale drugih, da popravimo kuću, da bude udobno, a onda mrziti istu tu udobnost koju smo stvorili? Da budemo javno prihvaćeni ili odbijeni zbog buntovnosti i osjećati se ispravno zbog toga? Učiti više, biti bolje, osjećati se snažno, uskladiti se s drugima—ali za koga? Zašto? Na koliko dugo? Je li trenutak zadovoljstva stvaran, ili je to samo prazna utrka?

Život vođen impulsima, zadovoljavajući iste potrebe. Pun značenja, a opet besmislen. Pun postignuća, a opet beskoristan. Svaki korak sitni neuspjeh u odnosu na postavljena očekivanja. Ako su tvoja očekivanja bila skromna i postigao si nešto, tada je tvoje postignuće ogromno. Glad za slavom, za priznanjem, za vidljivošću, za ljubavlju. Novac. Slava. Potomci. Nema četvrtog. Kada sva tri budu ispunjena, što onda? Smrt? Lov na kraj svih želja kroz želje.

Želja za ostavljanjem pisanog traga, ime koje će se pamtiti i poštovati. Djeca koja su počašćena životima svojih roditelja, djedova i baka, stavljajući ih na pijedestal, zahvalnost za njihove poteškoće, za njihov život. Graditi posao, održavati ga, iznositi sebe na tržište, prodavati tko si, što si, što voliš. Uvjeravati druge da si autentičan, da si istinit u svom značenju, dok drugi, koji nisu istiniti, uspijevaju pokazati svoju autentičnost. Trošiti novac da bi prikazao, da bi zaradio novac. Zarađivati, trošiti, zarađivati, trošiti, štedjeti da bi trošio. Dakle, koja je svrha? Da ideš naprijed i samo radiš? Što je svrha stalnog osjećaja da si pomalo neuspješan, nedovoljan, osjećajući potrebu za ulaganjem i samousavršavanjem jer nisi dovoljan—tvoje tijelo nije dovoljno, tvoje vještine nisu dovoljno dobre?

Idemo dublje u uzrok: Želja je bila biti najbolja učenica, a stvarnost je bila da sam bila prosječna—nikada ne otvoriti knjigu, osjećati se nesposobno bez da sam uložila napor. Što je to što me drži podalje od napretka?

Koje vrste obiteljskih naslijeđa ili uvjerenja o tome tko sam i što zaslužujem me zadržavaju? Nekada sam samo radila, radila, radila, radeći koliko sam mogla taj “magareći” posao. Nemoj me krivo shvatiti, isplatilo se—stalno raditi donijelo je rezultate. Ali istovremeno, dovelo je do iscrpljenosti, sagorijevanja i nemogućnosti balansiranja rada i odmora. Sada, svjesna besmislenosti tolikog magarećeg rada, to me zaustavlja u napretku. Ili ne? Gdje pronaći ravnotežu—raditi bez lijenosti, a opet ne raditi samo da bi radila? Želim to razumjeti—imati jasan cilj, korake prema tom cilju i solidan plan za izvršenje.

Osjećam to u kostima; tu je, ali ne mogu to potpuno ostvariti, kao da čekam nekoga ili nešto da mi pokaže znak—da je ovo put kojim trebam ići, ovo je ono što trebam raditi. Prije sam imala toliko želja, i cijeli život mi je bio vođen njima, tim neprekidnim nagonom prema određenom cilju. Činilo se možda malo dostižnim u to vrijeme, ali ostvarila sam ih sve. Sada sam spremna na veći korak—ući u svoju pravu svrhu s promišljanjem, pažljivim planiranjem, dobrim izvršenjem, stabilnošću i dugoročnom dobiti.

Imam ogroman strah da ću u trenutku ostarjeti i tek tada shvatiti da sam prokockala vrijeme, dok sam mogla uložiti sebe u nešto što bi mi donijelo sigurnost, stabilnost i udobnost. Nekada sam bila osoba s kratkoročnim ciljevima, velikim, hrabrim projektima. Opet, možda je to samo zbog godinam, ali sada želim izgraditi nešto od tih malih temelja koje imam—nešto veliko, snažno i konzistentno. Strahujem da je možda pomalo kasno za sve ovo jer osjećam da sam prokockala 10 godina svoje mladosti. Možda su mnogi to učinili, ali ja to snažno osjećam—ne kao žaljenje, nego kao stvarnost.

Gledam mlade ljude koji imaju 35 godina i vidim da su izgradili dobre, cjelovite, snažne temelje za bilo što što rade—bilo kroz obrazovanje, fakultet, putovanja u inozemstvo i učenje, ili pokretanje posla, osnivanje obitelji. A sada, mogu reći da u svojim 40-ima već imaju 5-10 godina iskustva iza sebe. Ja, s druge strane, osjećam da sam na samom početku onoga što zaista želim raditi—nečega što želim već toliko godina: spojiti svoju najveću strast, svoju obitelj i svoju osobnu želju za postignućem u jedan cjelovit, dugoročan projekt.

Nisam sigurna kamo će me moj put odvesti. Je li ovo samo još jedna prazna želja koja će izgubiti svoju snagu, a život će nastaviti ovako? Ili je stvarna, pokazujući svoju pravu prirodu, predodređena da se manifestira jer je to jedini put koji mi je dan? Nesigurna sam i nestrpljiva, ali također znam da vrijeme proždire sve, a tako će proždrijeti i moje osjećaje. Život će se odmotati onako kako je trebalo. Gledajući unazad, reći ću: put je bio savršen, proces nužan, a početak neizbježan.

Put je bio savršen u svojoj prirodi. Jer prošlost je uklesana u kamenu, a budućnost je fluidna. Hoće li junak postići najbolje? Je li junak već postigao svoje najbolje? To će se tek vidjeti. Do tada.

[mojput-mypath]

Complain about what?/Žaliti se na što?

The frustration about the things that we cannot change. The regret. The anger. The inability to accept. The time wasted!

The time I have wasted in my life on desperation about the things I cannot change. Every time I become aware of this; I feel like an idiot. Then I forget. Then I remember, and then again, I feel like an idiot. Life is truly circular.

At some point, life has become so pleasant, so comfortable. With the appearance of Vanja, who is my partner, his daughter, and grandfather in my life. It took some time of turmoil and adjustments, but eventually all fell into its right place. Let’s not forget doggy, who also came along. Let’s also not ignore the fact we live in a house. With a large yard. On the seaside. That I drive and own a car. I have two jobs, one more interesting and as challenging as the other. Life has truly taken a round form. It has become a stable, pleasant place. With its challenges. Yet, far from my lost self, several years ago, not knowing where to go, what to do. I am one of those people who really need someone by my side to stabilise. I have longed to love and to be loved. I would have died of longing. In due time (God, you did take some years to fulfil this one), he did arrive. I cannot be more grateful for his presence in my life. I cannot.

As human nature goes, there is always some imbalance, some or other challenge, a next step to be taken. I have started feeling so comfortable, not having my entire life hanging by a string, barely surviving. I kind of forgot that I still need to keep putting some more effort to grow. Now that I have people I rely on for love, comfort, stability – they provide me the knowledge, the growth, the mirror. So much so, that I have forgotten to make a greater effort myself.

I do have to remember also that I am very strict and hard on myself. The balance has to be found over and over again, that is certain.

I currently train three times per week, 1-to-1. I lead regular yoga classes. I run a Yoga School and an Ayurveda project – both Europe-wide. I do all the daily requirements of a household and family. I make time for travel, shopping… I teach, organise and attend yoga and meditation courses. The list could go on. On top of all this, I feel there is always room for improvement.

My plan is to practice more yoga, to start riding the bicycle in the forest and take the doggy with me, and to improve my workflow, so I can be more productive. Also, the Universe has provided me with a space in the local city, where I can finally start to do more programs in person, rather than only online. And I will soon also have a yoga retreat in the neighbouring region.

The more I write, the more I wonder what is it I can complain about? When do I have the time to waste?

Recently, I had a really beautiful holiday. I never really do holidays, as my work is my life, so there is never really a clear cut between the two. I suddenly decided to get tickets to go to Portugal. I have been wanting to go for some time, to visit my sister, but somehow, I always had some break in my mind stopping me. I kept thinking I don’t have time, or it’s too far or too expensive, and suddenly it was none. Tickets bought! I went first to the south. The weather was so strange the entire trip. Cloudy, without rain, but warm, then super sunny, then cold, then rain with wind. It took some time to reach the destination, where my friends live, but once finally arrived, I was awake and full of energy. The entire region (the little I have seen) of Algarve is just gorgeous. The small town where my friends live, is mostly a retreat centre area, with foreigners as inhabitants. Most people live here in the winter, working online, and then move out during the crowdy touristy summers.

The nature is absolutely beautiful, the greenery, the bamboo forests, and the beaches look like they are made for giants. Coming from Croatia, where the Adriatic is merely a little bay of the small, closed Mediterranean Sea – the ocean is a different story. Surrounding cliffs are enormous, the beaches endless, the waves going so high, covering the horizon. The sand is a soothing brownish colour, black stones with white stripes. In Croatia, the stones are just white, reflecting the sunlight to blindness. The huge body of water comes, lashes at your feet and recedes. Gurudev has given this example of the waves, describing the fleeting nature of the world, so many times. Seeing the ocean, I can now understand the comparison vividly.

A long walk, a tasty coffee, a special cake, a home-made pao de quijeso might be all one needs. But the company with it makes all the difference. A long walk sharing life stories with a fellow sister, a tasty coffee made and enjoyed with an old friend, and comfort food to wrap up the experience – is just what one needs from time to time to feel completely at ease.

From the wilderness of the south, I moved more north, to Coimbra, a small but invigorating town, on the river side, where my sister, Katina, lives. We visited the botanical garden, and one of the oldest universities in Europe – all very impressive, and even more so with two sisters! As Jelena joined us a day later. The three who have not met like this in a too long time. We spent some easy, light mornings, taking time to prepare food, to eat, to sit in the garden.

One evening, we were allowed to participate in an evening session of an Art of Living Teacher Training program. Just that very weekend, this course was going on in Coimbra. We could come and spend some time with the participants, and their amazing teacher, Annelies, who has inspired me more to teach youth meditation and yoga. This was so important for me, to have learned this wisdom and techniques when I was young and a bit on the crazy side, not taking responsibility for my life, but blaming others. We sat there like honoured guests, the three sisters�� We sang together and were all super energised, we could barely go to sleep afterwards.

We continued to Lisbon, after me having a small accident, still walking, but a bit of a challenge to maintain a pace. There, our tour guide, Jelena, took us places, one of them being an old church. The feeling of greatness, serenity and glory filled the place. We kept walking most of the day, with small moments of rest for food and warm drinks. The weather was rain-sun-rain-sun-rain-sun – it literally changed every 10 minutes. The day eventually came to an end. We were tired, but full at the same time. Full of impressions, and also fulfilled for having spent some time together. We praised each other, happy to have sisters who we get along with, and understand each other and can have great fun!

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HRVATSKI PRIJEVOD

Frustracija zbog stvari koje ne možemo promijeniti. Žaljenje. Ljutnja. Nemogućnost prihvaćanja. Gubljenje vremena!

Vrijeme koje sam provela u svom životu očajavajući zbog stvari koje ne mogu promijeniti. Svaki put kad postanem svjesna toga, osjećam se kao idiot. Onda zaboravim. Onda se sjetim, i opet se osjećam kao idiot. Život je uistinu kružna pojava.

U jednom trenutku, život je postao tako ugodan, tako udoban. S pojavom Vanje, mog partnera, njegove kćeri i nonića u mom životu. Trebalo je neko vrijeme nemira i prilagodbi, ali na kraju je sve sjelo na svoje mjesto. Ne smijemo zaboraviti ni psića, koji je također došao biti s nama. Ne smijemo zanemariti ni činjenicu da živimo u kući. S velikim dvorištem. Na obali mora. Da vozim i posjedujem auto. Imam dva posla, oba zanimljiva i izazovna. Život je uistinu poprimio zaokružen oblik. Postao je stabilno, ugodno mjesto. Sa svojim izazovima. Daleko od izgubljene sebe, prije samo nekoliko godina, kad nisam znala kuda ići, što raditi. Jedna sam od onih osoba koje stvarno trebaju nekoga pokraj sebe da se stabiliziraju. Žudjela sam za ljubavlju i za tim da budem voljena. Umrla bih bila od čežnje. U svoje vrijeme (Bože, stvarno ti je trebalo nekoliko godina da ovo ispuniš), on je stigao. Ne mogu biti zahvalnija za njegovu prisutnost u mom životu. Ne mogu.

Kao što ljudska priroda nalaže, uvijek postoji neka neravnoteža, neki ili drugi izazov, sljedeći korak koji treba poduzeti. Počela sam se osjećati tako ugodno, ne viseći više cijelim životom o niti, jedva preživljavajući. Na neki način, zaboravila sam da još uvijek trebam ulagati više truda da rastem. Sada kada imam ljude na koje se oslanjam za ljubav, udobnost, stabilnost – oni mi pružaju znanje, rast, ogledalo. Toliko da sam zaboravila ulagati veći trud.

Moram se također sjetiti da sam vrlo stroga i teška prema sebi. Ravnotežu treba pronalaziti iznova i iznova, to je sigurno.

Trenutno treniram tri puta tjedno, jedan na jedan. Vodim redovite satove yoge. Vodim školu yoge i projekt ayurvede – oba na europskoj razini. Obavljam sve svakodnevne obaveze u kućanstvu i obitelji. Nalazim vrijeme za putovanja, kupovinu... Podučavam, organiziram i pohađam tečajeve yoge i meditacije. Popis bi mogao ići dalje. Povrh svega ovoga, osjećam da uvijek ima prostora za napredak.

Moj plan je: prakticirati više yoge, početi voziti bicikl u šumi i voditi psića sa sobom, te poboljšati način i raspored rada, kako bih bila produktivnija. Također, Svemir mi je osigurao prostor u lokalnom gradu, gdje napokon mogu početi provoditi više programa uživo, a ne samo online. I uskoro ću imati i yoga retreat u susjednoj regiji.

Što više pišem, više se pitam na što se mogu žaliti? Kad imam vremena za gubljenje?

Nedavno sam imala zaista prekrasan odmor. Rijetko idem na odmor, jer je moj posao moj život, pa nema jasne granice. Odjednom sam odlučila kupiti karte za Portugal. Već neko vrijeme želim otići, posjetiti sestru, ali nekako sam uvijek imala neku kočnicu u mislima koja me sprječavala. Stalno sam mislila da nemam vremena, ili je predaleko ili preskupo, a odjednom ništa od toga nije bilo točno. Karte kupljene! Prvo sam otišla na jug. Vrijeme je cijelo putovanje bilo čudno. Oblačno, bez kiše, ali toplo, pa super sunčano, pa hladno, pa kiša s vjetrom. Trebalo je neko vrijeme da stignem do odredišta, gdje žive moji prijatelji, ali kad sam konačno stigla, bila sam budna i puna energije.

Cijela regija (ono malo što sam vidjela) Algarve je prekrasna. Mali gradić u kojem žive moji prijatelji, uglavnom je područje centara za povlačenje, s strancima kao stanovnicima. Većina ljudi ovdje živi zimi, radeći online, a zatim se sele tijekom gužve turističkih ljeta.

Priroda je apsolutno prekrasna, zelenilo, bambusove šume, plaže koje izgledaju kao da su napravljene za divove. Dolazim iz Hrvatske, gdje je Jadran tek mali zaljev malog, zatvorenog Mediteranskog mora – ocean je druga priča. Okolne litice su ogromne, plaže beskrajne, valovi idu tako visoko, prekrivajući horizont. Pijesak je umirujuće smeđe boje, crno kamenje s bijelim prugama. U Hrvatskoj su kamenčići samo bijeli, reflektiraju sunčevu svjetlost do sljepoće. Ogromna količina vode dolazi, udara noge i povlači se. Gurudev je toliko puta koristio ovaj primjer valova, opisujući prolaznu prirodu svijeta. Gledajući ocean, sada mogu u živo razumjeti usporedbu.

Duga šetnja, ukusna kava, poseban kolač, domaći pao de queijo je sve što je nekad potrebno. Ali društvo uz to čini svu razliku. Duga šetnja dijeleći životne priče s sestrom, ukusna kava napravljena i uživana s starim prijateljem, i hrana za utjehu koja zaokružuje iskustvo – upravo je ono što je s vremena na vrijeme potrebno da se čovjek osjeća potpuno opušteno.

Iz divljine juga, preselila sam se sjevernije, u Coimbru, mali, ali živahni grad, uz rijeku, gdje živi moja sestra Katina. Posjetile smo botanički vrt i jedno od najstarijih sveučilišta u Europi – sve vrlo impresivno, a još više u društvu čak dvije sestre! Kako nam se Jelena pridružila dan kasnije. Nas tri, koje se nismo ovako družile predugo. Provele smo lagana, opuštena jutra, uzimajući vrijeme za pripremu hrane, jelo, sjedenje u vrtu.

Jedne večeri, smo sudjelovale na večernjoj sesiji programa za obuku učitelja Art of Livinga. Upravo taj vikend, tečaj se održavao u Coimbri. Mogle smo doći i provesti neko vrijeme s sudionicima i njihovom nevjerojatnom učiteljicom Annelies, koja me više inspirirala da podučavam mlade ljude meditaciju i yogu. To mi je bilo toliko važno, da sam naučila ovu mudrost i tehnike dok sam bila mlada i pomalo luda, ne preuzimajući odgovornost za svoj život, nego kriveći druge. Sjedile smo tamo kao počašćene gošće, nas tri sestre... Pjevale smo zajedno i bile smo toliko energizirane, jedva smo mogle zaspati nakon toga.

Nastavile smo prema Lisabonu, nakon što sam imala malu nezgodu, još uvijek hodajući, ali s izazovom da održim tempo. Tamo nas je naš vodič, Jelena, vodila na mjesta, jedno od njih je bila stara crkva. Osjećaj veličanstvenosti, spokojnosti i slave ispunjavao je mjesto. Hodale smo većinu dana, s malim trenucima odmora za hranu i tople napitke. Vrijeme je bilo kiša-sunce-kiša-sunce-kiša-sunce – doslovno se mijenjalo svakih 10 minuta. Dan je na kraju došao kraju. Bile smo umorne, ali istovremeno i ispunjene. Puni dojmova, a također ispunjene jer smo provele neko vrijeme zajedno. Hvalile smo jedna drugu, sretne što imamo sestre s kojima se slažemo, razumijemo i možemo se sjajno zabaviti!

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OPERATION: TRANSFORMATION /// OPERACIJA: TRANSFORMACIJA

THE ISSUE

A year ago, was when I first experienced a strange change in my birthmark. I call it "my birthmark" because I was born with it and always felt it special. I was a new born baby, and half of my tiny head was covered in this huge birthmark of a purplish colour. I was told it was a "mother's wish." I hope it came true, mommy!

It got infected without any obvious reason. I was trying to keep it healthy, but nothing was helping until I used an antibiotic-infused cream. This repeated several times, so I got worried and went to get it checked. It took an entire year of specialist check-ups and opinions until I was suggested to simply remove the whole birthmark.

It was not suggested it was malignant, and it turned out it was not, but the changes were inexplicably strange, and Western medicine judged it to be removed. I simply felt it should be done. I got an appointment for the operation, and that was it.

I suddenly realised I was somehow not ready for it, it all happened so quickly, and it was all too soon. I had no idea how long the recovery would take, and what exactly would be done.

The rescheduling became a complex process of having to change several appointments. It took about 3 hours walking from door to door to end up having 2 date changes until a final date was appointed to me.

Only later, did I realize that the final date of the surgery was exactly on the 2-year anniversary of my father's death. I kept wondering at the Universe and its great sense of humour.

I remembered my dad showing me a much smaller purplish skin change coming up on his head, as he joked that he has developed the same birthmark as mine. We were connected by something again.

The same evening, we watched a film at home. There was a notion of receiving a tickle from a ghost — when something unusual happens, that reminds you of a deceased person. This was my huge ghost tickle.

I have not forgotten the date. That is for sure. Now it is even more etched into my consciousness.

THE SURGERY

The date came, and I went to the hospital. If you can say a surgery went well — it went really well. Everything was really, really nice — the head shaving was fun, the preparation was easy; all the nurses, and different doctors introduced themselves and made me feel really safe and comfortable.

They have removed the birthmark, but as it is quite big (cca. 4x4cm), so it needed some extra skin to cover it, it was transplanted from my collarbone area.

After the surgery, like in the movies, I cried, "More morphine!" and it was provided. I stayed in the hospital until the evening and was then taken home.

The next week I was mostly drugged up on painkillers. It took me another week to gather my strength back. This being the fourth week, I am slowly going back to normal.

To begin with, I could not do any of my usual practice. I could do only one. I would do my silent mantra japa, it would knock me out, and I would sleep soundly. Any other practice of any kind: breathing, other mantra meditations, holding mudras - I would just feel it so intently in the cut places.

I had to somehow accept I could not do any. It was not easy to let go of my attachment to my practice.

THE COPING

The doctor, with all conviction, informed me I would be doing yoga in 2 weeks. A month later - I am far from doing yoga. I can do a limited number of simple movements. But my mobility, stamina, and strength are improving every day.

For a moment, it was a weak body and delicate mind. My ability to manage people, thoughts, problems also diminished. My nervous system became very soft. Much more delicate than usual.

Definitely not an easy experience. Filled with jokes and fun to ease the hardship — of course! With enormous support from my partner, my mom, family and friends.

THE LEARNING

What I learned is that life sometimes slows you down for no apparent reason. The slowing down seems to be a pain, but in the current circumstances, it was a long-due (mental) rest for me.

What may be the hardest for me is to let go — to let go of work and responsibilities. To let go of assisting others, let go of being involved in everything, let go of being available, of being active.

Now, I am actively finding ways how to transfer attention from everything and everyone else and put myself as priority, until the moment comes, when I am ready to be there for others in full, and not half or quarter capacity.

THE REWARD

As I was bedridden, I could not travel. Rarely when Gurudev comes to Europe that I am not there. Yet somehow, he manages to stay close. My sister showed him my picture just after the surgery, a very dear friend and colleague told him about me, and finally another yogi buddy made it possible for him to say hello and wave at me on video. In that moment I felt as if something touched me sharply – directly in the heart. I could feel it became bigger and more open. As if taking a long breath in after holding your breath under water. It felt invigorating.

Another very dear friend just contacted me out of the blue, and suggested I go for a particular therapy session, and I did (for those who know, it was CST). That gave me such an energy boost in such a short time. I could start going out for walks.

And finally, I had the opportunity to help (as translator) for the New Year’s program. I could sit and rest and meditate with Gurudev every day.

It is just miraculous how nature provides and nurtures whenever it’s needed. I had family and friends visit, when I was well enough to spend time with them, but could not go out yet. My partner got sick at the exact moment I was already able to cater to him.

If I could imagine, plan and draw every moment of life, I could not do it as perfectly as life makes it. An experience, a learning behind every little thing. A flow of events and care whenever it is needed. Miraculous.

Happy holidays to you all. Enjoy the last few days of the beautiful rest with all its experiences.

_______________________________________________________

PROBLEM

Prije godinu dana, prvi put sam doživjela čudnu promjenu na svom madežu. Zovem ga "moj madež" jer sam rođena s njim i uvijek sam ga osjećala posebnim. Bila sam novorođenče, a polovina moje male glavice bila je prekrivena ovim ogromnim madežom ljubičaste boje. Rečeno mi je da je to "mamina želja." Nadam se da se ostvarila, mamice!

Upalio se bez očiglednog razloga. Pokušavala sam ga održavati zdravim, ali ništa nije pomoglo sve dok nisam koristila kremu s antibioticima. To se ponovilo nekoliko puta, pa sam se zabrinula i odlučila provjeriti. Prošla su cijela godina specijalističkih pregleda i mišljenja dok mi nisu predložili da jednostavno uklonim cijeli madež.

Nije sugerirano da je zloćudan, i ispostavilo se da nije, ali promjene su neobjašnjivo čudne, pa je zapadna medicina preporučila uklanjanje. Osjećala sam da to treba učiniti. Dobila sam termin za operaciju, i to je bilo to.

Naglo sam shvatila da nisam bila spremna za to, sve se dogodilo tako brzo. Nisam imala pojma koliko će oporavak trajati i što će točno biti učinjeno.

Ponovno zakazivanje postalo je složen proces promjene nekoliko termina. Trebalo mi je oko 3 sata hodanja od vrata do vrata kako bih promijenila 2 datuma prije nego što mi je određen konačni datum.

Tek kasnije sam shvatila da je datum operacije bio točno na drugu godišnjicu smrti mog oca. Promatrala sam univerzum i njegov veliki smisao za humor.

Sjećam se kako mi je tata pokazao mnogo manju promjenu purpurne boje koja mu se pojavila na glavi, šalio se da je razvio isti madež kao i ja. Ponovno smo bili povezani nečim.

Iste večeri, gledali smo film kod kuće. Pojavila se ta ideja dobivanja poruke od duha - kada se nešto neobično dogodi, a podsjeća vas na preminulu osobu. To je bila jedna velika poruka od duha.

Nisam zaboravila datum. To je sigurno. Sada je još dublje urezan u moju svijest.

OPERACIJA

Datum je došao, otišla sam u bolnicu. Ako mogu reći da je operacija prošla dobro - prošla je stvarno dobro. Sve je bilo stvarno, stvarno lijepo - brijanje glave bilo je zabavno, priprema je bila laka; svi medicinski radnici, sestre i različiti liječnici predstavili su se i učinili da se osjećam stvarno sigurno i ugodno.

Uklonjen je madež, ali budući da je prilično velik (cca. 4x4 cm), trebalo je malo dodatne kože da ga prekrije, presađena s područja ključne kosti.

Nakon operacije, kao u filmovima, plakala sam: "Još morfija!" i dobila sam ga. Ostala sam u bolnici do večeri, a zatim su me odvezli kući.

Sljedeći tjedan većinu vremena provela sam pod utjecajem analgetika. Trebalo mi je još jedan tjedan da skupim snagu. Sada je četvrti tjedan, polako se vraćam u normalu.

Na početku nisam mogla raditi svoje uobičajene prakse. Mogla sam raditi samo jednu stvar - tihu mantru japa. Bilo koji drugi oblik prakse: disanje, druge mantre meditacije, držanje mudri - osjećala sam to intenzivno na mjestima rezanja.

Nekako sam morala prihvatiti da ne mogu raditi ništa drugo. Nije bilo lako pustiti vezanost za svoju praksu.

NOŠENJE S POSLJEDICAMA

Doktorica mi je s uvjerenjem rekla da ću raditi jogu za 2 tjedna.

Još nisam sposobna za jogu. Mogu raditi ograničen broj jednostavnih pokreta. Kapacitet se povećava svakim danom.

Sve u svemu - slabo tijelo i delikatan um. S obzirom da je glava bila podvrgnuta operaciji, moja sposobnost suočavanja s ljudima, mislima, problemima također se smanjila. Moj živčani sustav postao je vrlo osjetljiv. Mnogo osjetljiviji nego inače.

Definitivno nije bilo lako iskustvo. Ispunjeno šalama i zabavom kako bi se olakšao napor - naravno! S ogromnom podrškom od partnera, mame i obitelji, osjećala sam se zaista voljenom i maženom.

UČENJE

Ono što sam naučila je da život ponekad usporava bez očitog razloga. Usporavanje se čini bolnim, ali u trenutnim okolnostima to je dugoočekivani (mentalni) odmor za mene.

Ono što mi je možda najteže je pustiti - otpustiti posao i odgovornosti. Otpustiti pomoć drugima, odustati od sudjelovanja u svemu, odustati od dostupnosti, od biti stalno aktivna.

Sada aktivno tražim načine kako preusmjeriti pažnju sa svega i svih drugih i postaviti sebe kao prioritet, sve do trenutka kad budem spremna biti tu za druge u punom kapacitetu, a ne samo na pola ili četvrt.

NAGRADA

Kako sam ležala, nisam mogla putovati. Rijetko kad Gurudev dođe u Europu, a da ja nisam tamo. Sestra mu je pokazala moju sliku odmah nakon operacije, draga prijateljica i kolegica mu je pričala o meni, a drugi prijatelj yogi mu je omogućio da me pozdravi i mahne na video pozivu. U tom trenu sam osjetila nešto oštro - ravno u srce. Osjećala sam se osvježeno kao da sam udahnula nakon zadržavanja daha pod vodom.

Još jedan dragi prijatelj me kontaktirao iznenada i predložio da idem na određenu terapiju (za one koji znaju, bila je to CST). To mi je dalo energetski poticaj u jako kratkom vremenu. Mogla sam izaći vani, šetati.

Na kraju, imala sam priliku pomoći (kao prevoditelj) na online programu za Novu godinu. Mogla sam sjediti, odmarati se i meditirati s Gurudevom svaki dan.

To je jednostavno čudesno kako priroda pruža i njeguje kad god je potrebno. Imala sam posjete obitelji i prijatelja kad sam bila dovoljno dobro da provedem vrijeme s njima, ali još uvijek nisam mogla izlaziti. Moj partner je obolio u točno onom trenutku kada sam već bila sposobna brinuti se za njega.

Da mogu zamisliti i nacrtati svaki trenutak, ne bih ga mogla nacrtati savršenije nego što to život čini. Iskustvo, učenje iza svake male stvari. Savršeni tijek događaja i briga kad god je potrebno. Čudesno.

Sretan blagdani svima. Uživajte u posljednjim danima predivnog odmora sa svim iskustvima koje donosi.

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LOŠA DJEVOJKA

Nedavno sam postala pomalo, neki bi rekli čak - nevjerojatno i sve više - bezobrazna. Uvijek sam se vodila logičkim razmišljanjem da ako ti mnogi ljudi daju isti ili sličan feedback - mora da je točno. Mislim da većina moje obitelji, prijatelja i kolegica vjeruje da nisam sasvim zdrava. Mentalno i emocionalno nestabilna.

Svjetla strana priče - ja to ne mislim.

Znam da sam umorna i moram još bolje paziti na ravnotežu između posla i odmora. To je vjerojatno izazov za većinu nas. Osim toga - nikad se nisam osjećala bolje u vezi same sebe. Kao i uvijek, zadržavam apsolutno pravo da me prosudiš kao pogrešnu, sebičnu, nezdravu. Zadržavam to pravo čak i za sebe, kad budem gledala unatrag iz nekog drugog razdoblja svog života.

Ono što se događa je da me neka nevjerojatna sila tjera da izbacim nešto iz sebe. Nemoj me krivo shvatiti, oduvijek sam bila "iskrena". Sada sam torpedo. Ne mogu se uopće filtrirati. I da, povrijedim ljude. Što zauzvrat povrijedi i mene.

Uvijek sam pažljivo slušala tuđe prosudbe i savjete i uzimala ih zdravo za gotovo. Oni mora da su u pravu; ja sam u krivu. Postoji nešto što mogu popraviti, nešto što mogu promijeniti u sebi. Naravno, to je istina - uvijek ima prostora za poboljšanje.

Nisam uvijek činila, ili nisam mogla upotrijebiti predloženo. Ipak, zadržavala sam tu prosudbu u sebi. Nastavila sam vjerovati da nešto nije u redu sa mnom. Nešto u vezi mene treba ispraviti i popraviti. Nisam savršena. Također nisam loša. Onakva sam kakva jesam. Sada sam ovakva, sutra ću biti drugačija.

Počela sam izražavati svoje mišljenje i ono što mi je na srcu. Svakako to ne radim na yogijski način. Yogiji ne bi smjeli uznemiravati tuđe umove. Ja definitivno uznemiravam tuđe umove i srca. Definitivno uznemiravam i sebe.

Nakon svega rečenog, postoji ALI. Bilo da je riječ o mom egu, umu ili istini (za mene), iskreno vjerujem da ništa nije pošlo krivo. Sve što je rečeno trebalo je biti rečeno. Odvelo nas je sve na neko drugo mjesto. Ponavljam, nemoj me krivo shvatiti, ne opravdavam svoje ponašanje.

Govorim točno ono što želim, kada želim. Nemam filtera. Kažnjena sam i još uvijek mi se sudi zbog toga. Govorim s bijesom i nerazumijevanjem, govorim pred krivim ljudima, u krivo vrijeme. To je kristalno jasno.

ALI. Nisam iznosila svoje istinsko mišljenje i srce, čini mi se, cijelu vječnost. U meni postoji i postojala je neka želja da se skrivam, da se ne otkrijem. Da bježim od konflikta i izravnog izražavanja. Najvjerojatnije sada lupetam što god i kad god, upravo zbog straha od izravnog izražavanja. Da sam imala sposobnost izražavanja svoje istine u pravo vrijeme i na pravom mjestu pred pravim ljudima, ne bih bila toliko prisiljena govoriti bez filtera sada.

Imam osjećaj da sve što izgovaram nosi težinu godina neizrečenih tereta koje sam nosila.

Možda to sve nije usmjereno direktno prema osobi ispred mene. To su samo neke stare neizrečene riječi i osjećaji koji izlaze iz mene. Stari otpori.

Vratimo se na početak - ljudi mi govore da iznosim stvari pred pogrešnim ljudima, govorim na nepristojan način, govorim nepotrebnu istinu. Dodirujem točke koje najviše bole.

Kritizirala sam majku zbog odgoja njezina djeteta, kritizirala sam kolegicu pred volonterkom koja nije imala veze s situacijom, iznosila sam svoju istinu djetetu koje vjerojatno nije moglo razumjeti o čemu govorim, ušla sam u odnos između zaposlenika i šefa.

Uspijevam pronaći najbolniju, najkritičniju točku za ljude, govorim o njoj - i uznemirujem apsolutno sve u procesu.

Da li to vježbam? Da li to planiram? Mislim da ne.

Da li samo nisam svjesna situacije, djelujem u neznanju? Moglo bi biti, ali nisam 100% sigurna da je to potpuna istina.

Da li djelujem na energiju koja se pojavljuje između mene i druge osobe, situacije? Mislim da bi to moglo biti slučaj.

Sve što vidiš u drugima; vidiš jer je i u tebi. Ono što nisi doživjela - ne možeš vidjeti. Eskimi imaju 47 riječi za snijeg. I u njihovoj stvarnosti postoje 47 različitih načina gledanja i doživljavanja snijega. U tvojoj stvarnosti i tvojem rječniku, koliko imaš riječi za snijeg? 10?

Ono što nije u tvojoj stvarnosti, ne razumiješ niti vidiš. Ono što je u tvojoj stvarnosti, unutar tebe, to možeš vidjeti. Ono što govorim drugima, to i sama nosim. Zato mogu vidjeti!

Ako kritiziram nekoga što nije jasan u komunikaciji, to je zato što ni sama nisam jasna u komunikaciji. Ako vidim nekoga tko se skriva od sukoba i suočavanja s ljudima, to je zato što isto i ja radim!

Također vjerujem da je ono što sam rekla bilo potrebno, bilo da bih razumjela tuđu točku gledanja, bilo da bih nešto protresla kod druge osobe. Ili oboje.

Moja namera je prepoznati još jasnije zašto se ovo događa. Prepoznat ću to sama. Veći dio svog života više sam vjerovala tuđim prosudbama nego svojima.

Čak i ako je moja istina tako različita od onoga kako me drugi doživljavaju. Dajem prednost vjerovanju sebi.

[mojput-mypath]

BAD GIRL

HRVATSKA VERZIJA JE TU

BEING RUDE

I have recently been somewhat, some may even say, incredibly and increasingly - rude. I have always gone by the logical reasoning that if many people give you the same or similar feedback – it must be correct. I think most of my family, friends and colleagues believe I have been unwell. Mentally and emotionally unstable.

On the bright side – I don’t think the same.

I know I am tired and have to take even better care of my work-rest balance. That is probably a challenge for most of us. Other than that – I have never felt so good about myself. As always, I reserve the absolute right for you to judge me wrong, to judge me as selfish, to judge me as unwell. I reserve this right even for myself at another point in my life, looking back.   What is happening, is that an incredible force is pushing something out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been ‘outspoken’. Now, I am a torpedo. I am not able to filter myself one bit. And yes, I am hurting people. Which in turn also hurts me back.

I MUST IMPROVE!   I have always carefully listened to others’ judgements and advice, and took it for granted. They must be right; I must be wrong. There is something that I can manage better, that I can change within me. Of course, that is right - there is always room for improvement.   I have not always done, or was unable to implement what was suggested. Nevertheless, I kept the judgement inside of me. I kept believing that there was something wrong with me. Something about me is to be corrected and fixed.   I am not perfect. I am also not faulty. I come as I am. Now, this is how I am, tomorrow I will be different.   I started to speak my mind and heart out. Definitely not in a yogic way. The yogic way would be not to disturb anyone else’s mind. I definitely disturb others’ minds and hearts by speaking out. I definitely disturb my own.  

WHAT IS THE REALITY?

Having said all this, there is a BUT to it. Whether it is my ego, my mind, or it is the truth (for me), I honestly believe that nothing went wrong. That everything that was said was meant to be said. It pushed us all through to another place.   Again, don’t get me wrong, I am not justifying my behaviour. I speak exactly what I want, when I want. I have no filter. And I have been and still am punished and judged for it. I speak with anger and resentment, I speak in front of the wrong people, at the wrong time. This much is crystal clear.   BUT. I have not spoken my true mind and heart, for what seems to me, an eon. There is and was something in me that wants to hide, that does not want to reveal. That runs away from conflict and speaking directly. Most probably I am now blabbing out whatever whenever, exactly because of this old fear of speaking directly. If I have had the capacity to speak my truth at the right time and in the right place to the right people, I would not be so compelled to speak without any filter now.   I feel as everything I am speaking out, is carrying the weight of years of unspoken burdens I have been hauling along.   It might not all be directly aimed at the person in front of me. It is just some old unspoken words and feelings coming out of me. An old resistance.  

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Coming back to the beginning – people are telling me I speak things in front of the wrong people, I speak in a rude way, I speak the unnecessary truth. I touch a point in people that hurts them the most.   I have criticised a mother for the upbringing of her child, I have criticised a colleague in front of a volunteer that had nothing to do with the situation, I have spoken my truth to a child that is most probably not able to understand what I spoke of, I have come in between an employee and a boss.   I manage to pin-point the most painful, the most critical point for people, and speak of it – and disturb absolutely everyone in the process.   Am I practising this? Am I planning it? I don’t think I am.   Am I just unaware of the situation, acting in ignorance? Could be, but I am not 100% sure this is entirely true.   Am I acting on the energy presenting itself between myself and the other person, the situation? I think this could likely be the case.    

YOU ARE WHAT YOU SPEAK

Everything you see in others; you see because it is in yourself. What you have not experienced – you cannot see. Eskimos have 47 words for snow. And in their reality, there are 47 different ways of seeing and experiencing snow. In your reality and your vocabulary, how many words are there for snow? 10?   What is not in your reality, you do not understand, nor see. What is in your reality, within you, is what you are able to see.   What I speak to others is what I also carry. That is why I am able to see it!   If I criticise someone not being clear in communication, that is because I myself am not clear in communication. If I see someone hiding away from confrontation and dealing with people, is because I do the same!   I also believe what I said was needed, whether for me to understand another’s point of view, whether to shake something for the other person. Or both.   My intention is to recognise even more clearly why this is happening. I will recognise it myself. I have trusted others’ judgements more than my own, for the majority of my life.   Even if my truth is so different from how others are perceiving me. I give priority to trust myself.

[mojput-mypath]

4 points - 1 conclusion

Time to return to the black on white. 1 I am experiencing burnout. 2 Too many close people to me have died or are unwell. 3 I am dog sitting. 4 The guru heals. 1 What does burnout look like? It varies for different people. It's like constantly pushing yourself, feeling completely off, realising your health is deteriorating, being unable to think clearly, and becoming aggressive or passive or both simultaneously. And not being able to put a stop to it. I have recently emerged from an 18-year astrological period, known as Rahu (for those familiar with astrology). Most recently, the ending periods of Rahu-Moon and Rahu-Mars. I was told these periods would be challenging, but what's truly difficult is having gone through all that hardship and now having to bear the consequences. I literally "woke up" the day I entered the next significant (16-year) period of Jupiter. The realisation of how much I have exhausted my mind, body, emotions, and soul has dawned on me. As Gurudev says, once you hit the brakes, it takes some time to get the vehicle to come to a halt. I am bracing for the final coming-to-a-stop moment. My burnout was accompanied by an inflamed occipital nerve, most probably triggered by the nerve’s compression in the neck, as well as exposure to heat and then cold wind (Yes! A breeze can be dangerous). Very interestingly, every time I saw a request of any sort on my screen, the nerve would break out into searing pain throughout my head. I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to numb it out with painkillers and still continued to be active. Eventually, there was nothing more I could do but rest. Do nothing much. Take a break. It was tough, really. The brakes are still squeaking, and I am not able to get to a complete stop. I’m getting there, and I am really beautifully supported by my environment at home, work, and my spiritual family. I feel supported. 2 People die all the time. Yes, people die every second and are born every second or less. When someone dear passes away, something is pierced inside. A huge hole is created. As the expression goes, only time will heal. Ever since my father passed away, I have been handling other people’s death as a much greater burden. I have also realised the importance of support for those who have lost a loved one, a dear and near one. I have lost two people in the last few weeks, and one is still in an unknown state, unchanged. This has and will continue to keep me aware of the shortness of our time here on earth, of how there is no moment like the present. Yet, nothing seems to ease the pain, other than the passage of time. In that time, there are unbearable moments, and then they become bearable again. The awareness of those not with us anymore is almost constant. I have been actively aware of the ease of our life ending. Constantly. It gives me pain, and I know this pain is only human and quite unreasonable, yet it is real. I say unreasonable because I believe that people’s souls are freed from life in the body. I have myself, in unusual circumstances, had the experience of feeling restricted by my own body. I am guessing people who have bodily impediments can speak the most on this.

I do feel supported on my life journey. Krishna explains to Arjuna that death is inevitable for all living beings and that the soul is eternal and indestructible. 3 Cute little doggies. I have had a new experience in my life. I was asked to take care of a puppy for a few days and have the experience of dog minding in my daily life. As I found it exhausting, I have also found it mesmerising. I have never had a dog in my life and had a faint wish that I would like to have one someday, but I have not fully understood all the fuss about having a dog. After spending 2 weeks with a 3-month super intelligent and kind baby dog, I fell in love. (I fell in love after the 2nd day). I have grown to care about the pup and have found it very difficult to part from it. I have been mulling over the pros and cons of having a dog for 2 months now and still have not fully been able to make a final decision. I have made a 50% decision and am waiting for the next 50% to find its own way to me. I have a pup in mind, but I also have a little more time to make it final. A big responsibility, a huge reward.

Whatever I decide, I feel supported. 4 The guru heals. Going back to square 1. After going on sick leave, dog minding, and then taking some rest, all this has been too short of a time to come back to normal. What is normal anyhow? Normal would be not feeling overly exhausted, challenged, angry, sad… Not feeling overly anything. I travelled 1,400km in a day (by car and plane) to see my dear Guru for a day and a half. Halfway there, I wondered, is this complete insanity? Why, in the middle of a burnout, would I travel 1,400km to see someone? The answer came. I spent a day and a half resting and spending time in meditation and in His presence. On the second day, I felt rested and refreshed, like I have not been in months. I had an enormous amount of energy, and the ability to tackle challenges came back to some extent. I will have to continue to heal, rest, and balance my work-rest libra. This is the best possible start I could have had. If you have the opportunity, and even if you don’t – make one, to come and see him at least once in your lifetime. Experiencing the presence of an enlightened living Master is rare and unusual in every period. Don’t miss this one; it might take a while until another like him walks this earth.

With Him, I feel supported, by nature, by God. ______________________________________________________________ HRVATSKI PRIJEVOD 

Vrijeme je za povratak crnog na bijelo.

1 Iscrpljenost. 2 Previše dragih ljudi je umrlo ili se ne oporavlja. 3 Čuvanje psa. 4 Guru iscjeljuje. 1 Kako izgleda prevelika iscrpljenost? Različito kod različitih ljudi. To je poput konstantnog guranja sebe, osjećaja potpune neravnoteže, shvaćanja da ti se zdravlje pogoršava, nemogućnosti jasnog razmišljanja. Ponašanje koje postaje agresivno ili pasivno, ili oboje istovremeno. I nemogućnosti zaustavljanja. Nedavno sam izašla iz 18-godišnjeg astrološkog razdoblja poznatog kao Rahu (za one upućene u astrologiju). Posljednji dio tog razdoblja bilo je Rahu-Mjesec i Rahu-Mars. Rečeno mi je da će ta razdoblja biti izazovna, ali ono što je zaista teško je proći kroz sve te teškoće i sada snositi posljedice. Doslovno sam se "probudila" onog dana kada sam ušla u sljedeće značajno (16-godišnje) razdoblje Jupitera. Shvatila sam koliko sam iscrpila svoj um, tijelo, emocije i dušu. Kao što Gurudev kaže, kada pritisnete kočnicu, treba neko vrijeme da vozilo zaustavi. Pripremam se za konačni trenutak zaustavljanja. Mojoj iscrpljenosti pridružuje se upaljeni okcipitalni živac, najvjerojatnije izazvan kompresijom živca u vratu, kao i izlaganjem toplini, a zatim hladnom vjetru (da! i propuh može biti opasan). Vrlo zanimljivo, svaki put kad bih vidjela bilo kakav zahtjev na svom ekranu, bol živca bi mi sijevnula po cijeloj glavi. Pokušala sam to ignorirati. Zatim sam pokušala to otupiti analgeticima i i dalje bila aktivna. Na kraju, nije mi preostalo ništa drugo nego odmoriti se. Ne raditi puno. Napraviti pauzu. Bilo je teško, stvarno teško. Kočnice još uvijek škripe i nisam u mogućnosti potpuno stati. Približavam se tome, i zaista imam predivnu podršku svoje okoline kod kuće, na poslu i od svoje duhovne obitelji.

Osjećam se podržano. 2 Ljudi umiru cijelo vrijeme. Da, ljudi umiru svake sekunde, a svake sekunde ili manje se rađaju. Kada draga osoba premine, nešto se dogodi unutar nas. Stvara se velika praznina. Kao što kaže izreka, samo vrijeme liječi. Otkako je tata preminuo, smrt drugih ljudi doživljavam kao još veći teret. Shvatila sam i važnost podrške za one koji su izgubili voljenu osobu, dragu i blisku. U posljednjih nekoliko tjedana izgubila sam dvije osobe, a jedna se još uvijek nalazi u nepromijenjenom stanju. To me čini svjesnom kratkoće našeg vremena ovdje na Zemlji, kako nema trenutka poput sadašnjeg. Ipak, ništa ne čini bol manjom osim prolaska vremena. U tom vremenu postoje trenuci koje je teško podnijeti, a zatim postaju podnošljivi. Svjesnost o onima koji više nisu s nama gotovo je konstantna. Aktivno sam svjesna koliko je naš život krhak. Konstantno. To mi stvara bol, i znam da je ta bol samo ljudska i prilično nerazumna, ali je stvarna. Kažem nerazumna jer vjerujem da se duše oslobađaju tijela nakon smrti. Sama sam, u neobičnim okolnostima, imala iskustvo osjećaja ograničenosti vlastitim tijelom. Pretpostavljam da ljudi koji imaju tjelesne poteškoće mogu najbolje govoriti o tome.

Unatoč svemu, osjećam se podržano. Krishna objašnjava Arjuni da je smrt neizbježna za sva živa bića i da je duša vječna i neuništiva. 3 Slatki psići. Imam novo iskustvo u svom životu. Zamoljena sam da se brinem o štencu nekoliko dana i da iskusim brigu o psu u svojoj svakodnevici. Istovremeno mi je bilo iscrpljujuće, a istovremeno sam bila očarana. Nikada nisam imala psa u životu i imala sam želju da ga jednog dana imam. Nisam u potpunosti razumjela uzbuđenje drugih oko posjedovanja pasa. Nakon što sam provela 2 tjedna s 3-mjeseca starim, izuzetno inteligentnim i ljubaznim štencem, zaljubila sam se. (Zaljubila sam se nakon 2. dana). Počela sam brinuti o štencu i jako mi je bilo teško rastati se od njega. Već 2 mjeseca razmišljam o prednostima i nedostacima posjedovanja psa, ali još nisam donijela konačnu odluku. Donijela sam 50% odluke i čekam da idućih 50% nađe svoj put do mene. Imam štene na umu, ali još imam malo vremena da to konačno odlučim. Velika odgovornost, velika nagrada.

Štogod odlučim, ili bude odlučeno za mene, osjećam se podržano. 4 Guru iscjeljuje. Povratak na početak. Nakon bolovanja, brige o psu i odmora, sve to je bilo prekratko vrijeme da se vratim u normalu. Što je uopće normalno? Normalno bi bilo ne osjećati se prekomjerno iscrpljeno, izazvano, ljuto, tužno... Ne osjećati ništa prekomjerno. Putovala sam 1.400 km u jednom danu (autom i avionom) kako bih vidjela svog dragog Gurua na dan i pol. Na pola puta sam se zapitala, je li ovo potpuno ludilo? Zašto bih usred perioda iscrpljenosti putovala 1.400 km da bih vidjela nekog? Odgovor je došao. Provela sam dan i pol odmarajući se, provodeći vrijeme u meditaciji i u Njegovoj prisutnosti. Drugog dana osjećala sam se odmorno i osvježeno, kako da nisam bila mjesecima. Imala sam ogromnu količinu energije, a sposobnost suočavanja s izazovima se djelomično vratila. Naravno, morat ću nastaviti s iscijeljivanjem, odmorom i ravnotežom između posla i odmora. Ovo je najbolji mogući način da započnem put odmora i iscjeljenja. Ako imate priliku, i čak i ako je nemate - stvorite je, dođite i upoznajte ga barem jednom u životu. Iskusiti prisutnost prosvijetljenog živućeg Učitelja je rijetko i neobično u svakom periodu. Ne propusti ovu priliku, možda će proći dugo vremena dok netko kao On kroči ovom zemljom.

Najviše se osjećam podržano kad sam s Njim, od prirode, od boga.

[mojput-mypath]

Parents and children.

I keep dreaming of him these last few days. In various attires. In his sports clothes. In his actor fancy attire. In the last dream, he’s giving me a small show in a local coffee place, being himself, an actor. He’s playing with different accents, showing off. He feels familiar and close in the dream. A feeling that was there a long time ago. Recently not. Was it me – did I distance myself? Was it his Saturn period that enhanced the distance? Did I make him angry; did he feel abandoned? Possibly all that and more. I simply cannot be sure. Even if he were still here, I probably would not know.

I keep wanting to forget about my father's death, suppressing the pain and unease. Pain comes up. In the form of other people’s relationships with their dads giving me a pinch; in the form of my ayurveda consultant telling me she feels I am carrying a trauma.  

Every single time I go inwards, what I stumble upon is that same pain.

I wonder, I analyse, I think – about the unique relationships between parents and children, children and parents. No other bond seems more powerful. My own experience with having a step-daughter is sometimes painful, as I see the bond she cherishes with her parents. I am aware the same can never be created between the two of us. It comes close, but it cannot be replaced.

I think about the children who have not known their parents, or them being absent. It seems the same basic needs and entanglements can be found everywhere.

We innately need our parents to do their parenting. Even when we ourselves become parents and even grandparents. Even when our own parents become needy like children. Even when they are gone. We are, and we remain – children, our entire lives.

It is said the child chooses the parents. Sometimes the parents come together by some magnetic force, to be surprised by their choice once the kid/kids arrive. Call it karma, call it destiny, call it realism. The unbreakable, unshakeable, non-denying fact is – we are and remain children.

[mojput-mypath]

BODY IMAGE

Another cocoon is falling off, and I’m back here to narrate the process. I have a definite need to share views and experiences. I need to get naked. Exposed. Showcase a slideshow of my own true colours. My indignities. Get the dirty stuff out there and come out clean. This topic is currently the most difficult one for me. YOLO! It is… Body Image. Let’s start this chronically and statistically, as I like to drawer and shelf myself. In order to process: I dissect, examine, sew up and tend to the wound. CHRONO-LOGY As a toddler, I had curly, bright blond hair, and a boyish, hard-to-tell-I-was-a-girl air about me. Definite androgyny at toddler age. I was Twiggy skinny as a kid. I would lift my T-shirt and show off my ribcage to the astounded audience in our street. My womanly curves started to show later than everybody else’s. I was close to 14 years old, 183cm tall (6foot2), but reduced to about 178cm for hunching over. I had a 43 EU-sized foot. Until my teen age, I would choose to eat only white bread with marmalade, soups and battered chicken. But, in the years after my teens, I started to devour anything and everything. My thighs grew much larger than the familiar toothpicks-for-legs I was used to. I grew into my 20s keeping a diet that kept me from developing more curves. It boiled down to substance abuse. Excellent diet. No fuss. Come 30s, drugs out of the picture, and no proper food habits installed, this is what happened next. My first vegetarian meals consisted of over-steamed vegetables. I was getting my daily nutrients from cottage cheese and dark chocolate. A mild success. A bit later, practice made me a good cook. I was well informed about the dos and don’ts specific to my constitution, according to Ayurveda. I gathered enough information on vegetarian supplementation, combined with workout programs and a few tips on different diets/fasting etc. TODAY ARRIVES TOO SOON Today I can say I know my food. Understand my bodily needs. I implement not - all the amazing knowledge I have collected. Being so skinny in the first part of my life, my body image was based on my physical skills of acrobatics, climbing trees, doing splits and running around showing off my ribs; it was difficult to deal with my growing thighs and famously plump bottom. I still saw myself as the skinny giraffe girl, yet the mirror and scales kept telling me something different. TOO…SOMETHING Body shaming. You are supposed to not be ashamed of your body being too large or too skinny or ‘too something’ adjectives. Yet, the bony image of all huge stars today speaks a different story. Don’t be ashamed of your body, but at the same time – You try not to want to look like all the ultra-skinny, super-flexible majority of yoga teachers and practitioners. Am I not exercising enough? Obviously. Can I make myself exercise more? Surely. Can I take my diet changes even further? Always. Shall I implement all these wonderful changes? Instantly! With the help of a friend, an email challenge, and app, a trainer, a Guru? You name it, everything is available today. Yet it seems, the more devices we come up with, the more health and body image problems we get. Where we put our energy – that grows. The body image problem is growing. HE IS AWARE – AM I? The last couple of times I was addressed by my Guru, went something like: ‘Hi Gordana. Oh, you’ve lost too much weight’, and ‘Don’t lose any more’, while waving his index finger at me. How on Earth did he know I was just about to increase my training hours and decrease my food intake, and implement a keto diet for a month? These conversations happened on Zoom. He saw just my face and a bit of my shoulders, so how did he know? When your Guru implies ANYTHING at all, you look into it. It is not for nothing. So, I stopped for a moment and addressed the obsession with my body. I was unhappy with not having less layers. My food was not satisfactory healthy and moderate. I was not training enough or doing enough yoga. I felt I was not hot enough for my partner. HALF WAY THERE! Gurudev says when you become aware of something, it is already half resolved. Well done G! Well done Gurudev and well done Gordana. Halfway there, yay! Are you catching the catch? The catch is to constantly be aware of changing bad habits and implementing new good ones. It is a constant game called: quality of life. And it’s played all day, every day – till the end of this life. Then into the next one. Even Guru is pushing forward CONSTANTLY. Awareness should not be put aside. It can be, though. I know where my lack of awareness takes me. You tell me where it takes you. IT’S ABOUT ME AND YOU But, let’s not make all this about the Guru, this story is about me and about you. Facing challenges every moment of our waking lives. Sometimes, a moment arrives, when I cannot be the best version of myself, super productive, active, available. I can only not be all that.   Then the blame game kicks in. If only I had…then I would be different. The only change comes from acceptance of what is, first. If we fight and resist the now, we are not able to relax and see what really needs to be done. We keep fighting our own bodies. STEPS OUT 1.     Acceptance. 2.     Seeing clearly what is in our power to change. 3.     Making the change little by little, taking time and space. Determination. 4.     Include a lot of love. There will definitely be pain as well. Therefor the love. Take the steps again and again and again. Call it life.

[mojput-mypath]

Unabridged

The wind is howling. The sound of banging windows is pushing through the headphones. The sound of Bauhaus’s “Bela Lugosi’s dead” remix is not loud enough to snuff the noise out. Need to close windows. Peter Murphy is yelling “Undead, undead, undead”. I’m feeling and hearing the song, like I’ve never heard a song before.

I have been thinking of, feeling, eating and sleeping death for almost a month now. I am torn in between giving myself the “time and right” to grieve - and slapping myself for falling into a pit of sadness, anger and resentment. I am torn in between living the everyday life, seeing everything I have been seeing, and seeing how this life seems to be far away from me.

What is life? What is death? Where do we go? Where is he now? What does this mean in my life? No longer as fact or concept, but as pure realisation, I now truly know that all people loose their parents, or parents their children. Sisters loose brothers, and spouses separate. People come and they go. All of us. We loose others and we leave, having others loose us. We come and we go. 

I ask myself: Am I wasting my time? Did he? Does he regret not calling us, not staying in touch, not making an effort to understand? Is this irrelevant now for him? I have seen and felt and heard too many people who are not in this material world now, yet, I cannot hear my father. I am relying on words other people tell me, and I need to trust them. I am told it will take a year for the impact I feel now to calm down.

Have I loved my father? Of course I have. I have and do love him dearly. Have I wished him to be kinder, to have more understanding, have I accused him of being mentally disturbed? Yes. The moment the news of his death reached me, I fell into a bottomless pit of loss. For my daddy. The one I did not have even while he was alive. The childlike hope I held on to - that he will not only show but feel, in one split moment, true compassion for anyone - died with his body. 

I can hear his voice in my ears, the talking down tone of voice, judging me for being weak. Have I not learned anything? Have I not learned the art of the spirit? Do I not know life is truly eternal? Have I not myself read the 2nd chapter of Bhagavad Gita at his funeral - when Krishna consoles Arjuna, telling him not to lament, as life is eternal, and the body is passing. 

When his parents passed, he seemed not to be touched by their deaths. Was he so enlightenedly indifferent - or a sociopath? I am not sure I will ever truly know. He was a genius of sorts, and a madman at the same time. Socially apt on the surface, yet deeply unable to connect to anyone. A narcissist. 

Who is the one writing these words? One who cannot accept another’s actions. His words maybe yes. His inaction - not at all. Am I the narcissist? One thing I can say without any doubt - his presence in my life utterly disturbed my very foundation, and his presence in my life forced me to realise many many many things about myself. Certainly a unique character and personality. A trace of brilliance, a handful of selfish. 

See, I still cannot decide whether I am angry or sad. Maybe I never will. As everything fades, his face is fading, his presence is fading, and his person is fading. Already has faded a little, during the last few years of our journey together as father and daughter. The bond, and the loss of it remains in a powerful grip. I miss a father. I have missed a father when he was alive. 

I repeat myself, the serpent of the mind keeps biting its tail. So I will break it at least here for you.

[mojput-mypath]

- BREAK-

With this post, I am making a clean break. 

From here on, I will write in English only. Please read the description of the blog. Can’t see it? I’ll post it under the pic below.

From here on, you need to make a choice: The blue or the red pill. I can offer only the truth. Yes, Matrix Resurrections has come out, I’m feeling inspired. 

I am also feeling inspired by this person: https://www.honeycopy.com/

Whether you want to know or not, is up to you. And now - hit it baby - or don’t.

Seeking to please? Not anymore. This is who I am. This is what is in this mind, this is what these feelings are screaming about. I am a fan of goth bands. I am the daughter of a dead father. I am a flower in the garden of life. 

[mojput-mypath]

Ja sam Ključ

SORRY; NO ENGLISH TRANSLATION (MAYBE GOOGLE HAS BECOME BETTER?) NEXT BLOG. I PROMISE.

OVAJ TEKST SAM NAPISALA 4.1.2021., DANAS JE 25.7.2021. MALO KASNIM.

Imala sam puno vremena za razmišljanje na čemu mogu biti zahvalna iz 2020. Jedino što mi se vrlo jasno prikazivalo u srcu su Vanja i Flora. Dvoje ljudi koji su mi okrenuli život naopako. Guru kaže: bilo da si sam/a ili u vezi – samo budi sretan! Svakako. Kod mene je bio slučaj da sam (pre)dugo bila sama, i nesretna. Pokušavala sam naći nekakav smisao u životu; okupirala sam se poslom i naoružala se ciljevima. Svo to naoružanje mi nije donijelo nikakav mir niti zadovoljstvo. Iskreno sam žudila za tim da volim i budem voljena. Prijateljstva dođu do neke točke i tu prestaju. Partnerska, obiteljska ljubav seže negdje puno dalje.

Sva sreća da je i taj trenutak zakucao na moja vrata. Prošlo je skoro dvije godine od kada imam svoju malu obitelj. Trebalo mi je i još mi je potrebno da sve nekako dođe na svoje, da se do kraja priviknemo i prilagodimo zajedničkom životu. Jedan drugome smo došli nakon dugo čekanja, ali svejedno ljudska priroda ne prepoznaje odmah što joj je kao poklon sjelo u krilo.

Uz Vanju i Floru, i dalje mi je nedostajala obitelj, prijatelji, moje društvo iz Njemačke. Dobiješ jedno, izgubiš drugo, i uvijek si u nekom međuprostoru, nezadovoljen.

Gurudev je nedavno govorio: Zadovoljstvo je nešto čega se trebamo prisjetiti! Kako smo često u životu iskusili osjećaj zadovoljstva. I onda ponovno i ponovno prizivati taj osjećaj/to iskustvo i kultivirati prisustvo tog iskustva svaki dan. Sve je sadržano u nama, sve vrline, samo ih moramo iznijeti na površinu. Zašto to ne radimo? Jer smo umorni, jer nam je teško, jer smo zapeli u vlastitom nezadovoljstvu – i neumorno hranimo to nezadovoljstvo.

JA SAM KLJUČ SVOJE SREĆE. Potrebno je malo truda. Dok za imati nezadovoljstvo nije potreban nikakav trud, osim što nam to isto nezadovoljstvo crpi svaki atom energije. Kada preuzmemo odgovornost za svoju vlastitu sreću, nepresušni izvor energije se u nama otvori. I onda se samo s vremena na vrijeme treba podsjetiti na taj izvor.

Nije da nema kriza, i te kako ima. U par trenutaka mi se učinilo da nisam na pravom mjestu i pitala sam se kako ću dalje. Svaki put sam se uspjela vratiti u svoj centar i vidjeti jasnije što se događa i gdje su neke moje stare rane pročačkane kada ti netko postane toliko blizak.

Zahvalna sam na ovom novom životnom iskustvu. Ne znam da li ima nešto što te više zaveže za sebe od partnera, od djeteta. I to čak i ne našeg zajedničkog djeteta. Mladi život u svačijoj blizini postane njegova briga također. Ne kažem da je lako. Biti u životu mlade osobe, a da joj nisi majka, i nemaš prava ni obaveze kao majka. Svejedno osjećaš povezanost i brigu, nešto najbliže majčinstvu što sam do sada u životu doživjela. Nemam s puno čega to          usporediti, ali osjećam da je drugačije nego bilo što u mom životu do sada.

Obitelji su raznolike, i situacije raznolikije od obitelji do obitelji. Ljudi su različiti u svom izražavanju, pažnji i odgovornosti za druge. Svaka je posebna na svoj način, izazovna na drugi.

Dobiješ jedno, oduzme ti se na drugoj strani. Suprotne vrijednosti su komplementarne.

KORONIZACIJA Razbijala sam glavu zašto i kako je dobro da smo dobili koronu baš dva dana prije praznika? Kako je moguće da je nešto dobro za tebe, kad je toliko očito loše? S vremenom sam stvorila naviku, koja je nekada poprilično uspješna, a nekada manje – da u svemu što mi se događa, i dogodilo – pronađem razlog zašto je to bilo dobro, čemu je služilo i čemu me naučilo.

Nekada ne vidim odmah razlog, nekada ni puno kasnije, a ponekad je to – nikada. Pa čak i tada, samu sebe potičem da prvo razmišljam, a poslije osjetim u srcu, da je sve što se događa negdje već upisano, i trebalo je tako biti (sada kada je gotovo). Na što imam donekle utjecaj, je na ono što tek ima doći. A ponekad prihvatiti da nema i nije bilo izbora – i to je moj izbor.

Sve polazi od mene. Kako ću ja protumačiti i osjetiti nešto što se događa. Smaknuće zločinca je jednoj osobi osveta i olakšanje, a drugoj bliski i veliki gubitak. Sve je u očima promatrača. Jednostavne istine koje izgovaramo u nekom beznađu, znajući da je to ona istina koju je teško shvatiti, ali moramo je prihvatiti.

(Jer ono bitno je očima nevidljivo, dok se samo srcem daleko vidi)

Imam svoje stavove i mišljenja o koroni, i vjerujem da su brojke izmanipulirane, da je bolest nastala od ljudske ruke, i da su cjepiva u najmanju ruku neprovjerena, ako ne i opasna. No, bolest je tu. I onaj koji ne vjeruje da postoji, je nije iskusio na isti način kao i ja, i neki članovi moje obitelji.

Bolest je moćna i ne čudi me da se od nje umire. Ja sam mlada i relativno zdrava osoba, a bolest me dovela do ruba iznemoglosti. Kažu da je kao gripa. Ovakvu gripu nisam nikada imala. Tijelo me bolilo do očaja, temperatura drmala danima, noću nisam spavala, a danju sam molila boga da mi se temperatura ne vrati. Imala sam ludu sreću. Samo 4 dana fibre. I to četiri dana iz pakla. Da još jednu noć nisam spavala, mislim da se nikad ne bih riješila očaja koji bi me spopao. Jedva sam živa ostala. Otprilike 5 tjedana nakon prvih simptoma, nisam se osjećala sasvim svoja.

Razbolila sam se u vrijeme praznika, pa nisam nikome ukrala vrijeme, i bili smo doma, nas troje, u samoizolaciji, u uvjetima koje normalno ne bi nikada doživjeli. I to je rezultiralo nečim što obično ne bi radili: čitali smo knjige zajedno na kauču, i igrali remi i briškulu.

ZAVIST

Lako je biti filozof iz glave, dijeliti svoje misli i zamisli. Dijeliti svoje iskustveno znanje je nešto drugo. Podijeliti s drugima najcrnje dijelove svoje duše – je nešto sasvim deseto.

Osjećaj koji me u zadnje vrijeme nije dao spavati je jedan od smrtnih grijeha: zavist. Osjećaj da mi je netko drugi uzeo sve što zapravo pripada meni. I osjećaj bespomoćnosti da „uzmem“ ono što mi pripada. Najviše me muči: imam li ja sada pravo osjećati zavist? Imam li pravo osjećati animozitet prema drugom živom biću? Ako mene netko ometa, imam li ja pravo biti ljuta? Ključna stavka: ja, meni.

Prvi korak je bio: priznati sama sebi da sam zavisna, da gajim osjećaje ljutnje, čak i mržnje prema drugoj osobi. Drugi korak je bio izgovoriti na glas da osjećam sve to. Čim sam izgovorila što osjećam, istovremeno sam osjetila da me više od tih osjećaja, muči to što osjećam ogromnu krivnju što imam te osjećaje. Pitala sam se da li na neki način povrjeđujem tu osobu svojim mislima i osjećajima?

Sva sreća na ovom divnom svemiru koji mi je pružio jedno za drugim, olakšanje za olakšanjem. Blaženi svemir, s blaženim ljudima u njemu koji dođu točno kad treba i kažu točno što treba.

Prvo mi je rečeno: „Ovo je sada tvoj život! Možda je teško, ali to je ono što sada imaš.“ (PRIHVAĆANJE). Od sebi najbliže osobe dobila sam: „Tu sam za tebe“ (PODRŠKA). Zatim „to što osjećaš je sasvim prirodno“ (RAZUMIJEVANJE). Zatim kako dalje: „Pokloni se osobi na koju si zavisna“, blagoslovi je, voli je (TEHNIKA). I na kraju: budi zahvalna na situaciji, iskopaj što je to na čemu možeš biti zahvalna (OSJETI PROMJENU).

Jesam li zauvijek oslobođena zavisti? Ne bih rekla. Jesam li došla do vrhunca ili ponora niza teških ružnih osjećaja? Jesam. Jesam li dobila potrebnu podršku od svemira da se osjećaji otpuste? Jesam. BOGU HVALA.

[mojput-mypath]

Social Media Addiction Anxiety

Have you noticed that feeling of a slight “down” when your social media post doesn’t work as well as another that was somewhat a hit? The silly little thoughts coming up saying – maybe I should have taken a better shot angle, or put my hair more to the side? Have you? Have you noticed going through your day with having a constant little reminder at the back of your mind – oh, would this be a good picture? Would this make an interesting story? And missing out on REALITY on the way?

I've been having this nagging feeling, a subtle guilt-trip from inside, for some time now. Then I noticed the guilt is becoming more, and suppressing it was harder. So, I did the obvious thing – I blamed others for what I felt was my own problem. I started noticing that it is not only me spending endless minutes combined together into hours and days of LIFE on social media; even my partner, who is somewhat ignoring his phone a lot of the time, I noticed, is spending time in front of screens for nothing in particular. And me – well, it’s my job, isn’t it? I have an excuse.

Then I watched a film. A film that told me everything I felt was true and WORSE. ("Social Media Dilemma")

I knew the film would just confirm my ideas, but it did more, it revealed the harder truth. I heard something about privacy in the last years and once, some time ago, removed myself completely from an online service, and then came back to it, ignoring the knowledge I had about these services. Since then, I have been putting a lot of effort into making myself resist all the hooks of the virtual world. But, I do have an addictive personality. It's just fact. I had to and have to be extra careful.

So, to put my heart at ease, I did a lot of “cleaning” of the feeds/emails/messages I received, and kept removing content that I found disturbing, repetitive or irrelevant. I kept blocking “spammers” (those lovely people that just feel like sharing everything they see online and assume it would be interesting for you too). I added the screen time app to see how much time I spent on screen. I ignored the evil numbers looking at me, saying I do spend too much time on screen. I also started using a service to tell me it’s too late in the evening or too early in the morning to look at the screen. I even used the app limit, for watching TV more than 2 hours. Somehow, I turned all these reminders telling me I’m spending too much time on screen - off.

I started noticing that I also like to take the phone to the toilet. I wanted not to take it, but I kept going back, half way down the hall, for it. I felt ashamed, but I ignored that too.

One of the things that made me really begin to make a change was the behaviour of my step-daughter after we let her use our phones for a bit. After half an hour/one hour on the phone she was restless, annoyed at us, and refused to do anything creative, refused to spend time in nature and refused everything else for that matter. The cause-of-grumpiness pattern was obvious.

Then I started to leave my phone at home when we were going out, just to “get rid of it”, because I knew if I took it - I would keep staring at it – in the lift, in the car, searching for something “important” while in the shop, checking a map to see where we should be going…

The statistics (and I really like statistics) told me I had around 10 hours of screen time PER DAY. 68 hours in the last 7 days. That I get around 700-900 notification PER DAY on only one chat service. That I pick up my phone on an average of a 100 times per day!

And I thought getting grumpy for nothing was strange. Why on earth am I grumpy most of the time? Surely not because my nose is stuck in online content?

Three things that were confirmed by the film, struck me like lightning. One: the services are designed for you to keep checking them. In spite of me turning off message counts and notifications for most services I use, the one or two I was using, kept coming ALL THE TIME. I also realised I keep checking work messages at 11 at night, at 5 in the morning. Just to see “what is going on online”. The answer is simple: NOTHING. Only time-wasting is happening online. MOSTLY. 99% of the time. We are not machines that can process all this data! Our brains are limited. We are impressionable.

I noticed also the creepy commercials that I felt at times are READING MY MIND. I ignored even that, because I liked the products. Here we come to number two: The services keep showing me nice things, things I like, things I need. Things that make me feel SAFE and COMFORTABLE. And I want to feel safe and comfortable, also feeling I am in control of what I am seeing, by blocking everything that does not feel safe and comfortable. Like, for example, in the world – things are not always safe and comfortable, and it is nicer in the phone world than out THERE (where the TRUTH is). I feel a little like a conspiracy theorist writing every other word in CAPITALS. Even conspiracy theories, I heard, are a product of evil reptile control, making us put the truth in a make-believe context, so the actual truth can be hidden by turning facts into mockery, making the truth into something designed by delusional people.

We’re all sitting out there, with our heads in screens, ignoring life itself, but living in our own little safe virtual worlds, which AI algorithms have created for us – based on GAZILLIONS OF DATA sources, freely given by ourselves, that are taking note of our subconscious behaviour.

And three: once the man-made “algorithms” are set loose in the virtual systems – no one can predict how they will mutate in human hands (riots, hate acts etc.). Also, the social media reptiles can FINE TUNE or completely MODIFY real-life social conduct. The film said so! It said that by tweaking the currents of human subconscious acts, societies can shift their preferences, ways of thinking and ultimately behaviour. As fast as pressing a button!!!

We don’t have to wait for the MATRIX/1984 futures to arrive – THEY ARE HERE.

I am now figuring out a way to stay connected to the work I am doing online, how to make use of the services and make money on others being gullible. Also hoping that the services we provide are healthy for people. Double standards! But, as my dad always said: we live in society, not in the forest. If you want to live with wolves – go ahead, bye.

What I did for my digital detox:

1. TURNED OFF ALL badges, message counts, notifications on phone & computer 2. Replaced my browser and search engine with ‘safe’ ones that do not collect your browsing data 3. Logged out of all services, actually I did a reset of privacy data on my phone and turned off location services and denied mic & camera access for 97% of apps   4. Deleted all except one social media app (work reasons again) 5. Stopped using Facebook for news and communication and kept it only for work, which I intend to reduce more 6. Deleted my personal Instagram account 7. Kept 2 services for work communication

What I still want to do: 1. Transfer my email account to another server, with better encryption policies 2. Get online storage that has better security 3. Stop using google/facebook services for logging in for everything.

If there are any suggestions you would like to share with me, I am not available on social media :D I'll set up a point of contact that I feel comfortable with soon and will let you know here on the blog.

Also, you might have my number, call me. We can have a real-life chat.

[mojput-mypath]

Questions and meditation

Whomever I speak to says: ‘this time has brought me amazing (positive) changes.’ Yet, the overall feel in the word is of suppression, mistrust, conspiracy, uncertainty.

After a few months of adjusting to the new situation, I took time off. I actually had a proper holiday. After years of spending time off on working and making others happy, I took time off for me. Before I did that, I felt too many things are happening at once, I felt life is a constant roller coaster. I was not sure I felt strong anymore. I felt wavering. I got everything I ever wanted, but then on the other hand I felt I am not doing enough. I got into challenges and then I got drained by them.

Ups and downs. Hills and valleys.

QUESTIONS I started asking myself: Where am I in this world? What is my place? What is my opinion, on art, music, politics, vaccination, depression, children issues, media, natural calamities, man-made disasters?

I wondered: How long will all this endure? Is life as it is already not enough of a challenge? What really are the “small pleasures” in this existence? The moments of hedonism where we feel bliss from a temporary state or object?

What is the goal of this little time I am given in this life, on this earth? Is it the chain-reaction caused by the many little things I say and do every day, affecting the small little moods of people here and there? Or is it something huge, an imprint on a generation, carried on by generations to come?

I felt too entangled in my life. As if this life became a huge thing. My role, my responsibilities, my work, my family. As if all this is HUGE. The only thing that exists.

It was so hard to get out of the grip of questioning. I felt life is a train switching from the fast to the slow track again and again. Never stopping, just moving on, the scenery changing constantly. Never knowing where really, we are going? Until the certain train STOP.

Then what? Another life, slightly different train tracks. And then again STOP. And then?

One other difficulty I (we) faced are emotions. An intangible sensation comes up and is easily noticed, as our entire system goes haywire when it comes up. Any intense emotion.

Is my entire life just a sequence of a variety of emotions? My intellect trying to push them into categories, and label them with the names of people who I decide, are the cause for them?

Life of blame and pointing fingers. Yes, at myself as well. A pinch of guilt is enough to make us improve ourselves. A handful of guilt makes it a bit difficult to manoeuvre through life and a Santa’s bag of guilt makes us feel pulled down to the underground.

I felt guilt for doing bad, and I felt the guilt of sometimes being too good. Everything that came out of my usual limits, was too much to handle. Luckily, the limits kept expanding.

Am I responsible for every wave and ripple I have created in this life, in this world? Am I not? As G said once, your life is a movie previously recorded and is now being played on a big screen. Just keep watching.

But then again, the audience interaction makes the movie into what it is. Whatever it might be, life is now. Now, we are given an opportunity, to live, to serve others (children, parents, siblings, family, society, world). We are given an opportunity to make a shift in our own and in others’ consciousness.

I remembered that this life is a speck of dust in the entirety of creation and the universe and time. A little person living in a world in a speck of dust, on a little flower, carried around by an elephant (for reference see: Horton hears a who, by Dr. Seuss).

ANSWER: GRATITUDE

Then at one point the questions stopped being an obsession and I started feeling grateful.

I feel grateful for my partner for so quickly forgiving my anger and burstouts, I feel grateful for having cheese and apple pie to come home to. I feel grateful for my Guru popping up in my life at exactly the right time. I feel grateful to have a nest we keep improving every single day. I feel grateful I have a child to spend time with, observe and be part of her life experience. I feel grateful to have been making the right decisions, out of the bottom of my heart and gut, and to have seen all of them blossom.

I feel especially grateful to have meditation in my life.

TRYING SOMETHING NEW, REFRESHING THE OLD

Imagine if you have never in your life tasted salt – how can you know what it tastes like? The first time it might be so intense, new and difficult to describe the feeling in your mouth, but somehow it is tasty already, and you feel overwhelmed.

Then you keep having a little salt in your food, maybe from time to time at first, and then at some point, all the salty food without salt just tastes bland.

Obviously, too much salt is not good for you. And too little makes you feel unsatisfied, you would prefer to have a little more.

Meditation is the same. You live without it and you don’t even notice it’s not there, you don’t even feel something is missing. You have not had the experience of tasting it.

Once you taste it, you feel it’s too complicated, too many thoughts (like the taste being intense that first time). But with time, that pinch of salt, those 20min of daily meditation becomes indispensable in life.

The only difference between these two things, is that salt you need to remember to carry with you to add to the food, and meditation is already a part of you.

You just need to use it!

And if you stop using it, it just feels like something is missing. After a while the taste becomes a vague memory.

MEDITATE. Because it’s healthy like sports or fresh fruits. START MEDITATING AGAIN. To re-refresh your life.

For me, this is the only thing that I can rely on! No amount of nice cakes, affection, good company, events – can create such a deep feeling of strength and confidence, such a powerful sensation of joy.

The only thing I can compare the intensity of experience of regular meditation to, is drugs. Only with drugs it’s a short-term sensation, that charges its toll in health for giving the happiness. Also, it gives only a superficial emotion, it does not go very deep and it costs so much money!

You can say, different things in life give us piece of mind. My experience is that nothing can compare to the experience of meditating daily.

Meditation is finding our true childlike nature of joy, combined with an adult intellect and maturity of life experience.

OK, one more comparison. It’s like getting a rubber muffin. It looks beautiful, it gives visual pleasure, but nothing compared to the real thing. You cannot eat the rubber muffin.

Meditation is like eating a freshly baked muffin.

[mojput-mypath]

I don’t want to hashtag the thing that is changing the world.

Some would say there is more time during the COVID-19 lockdown. Not sure, really. Life suddenly became something closer to a prolonged summer holiday, for a bit there. You know how, at the very beginning of your holidays, it takes time for your mind, your body to adjust. Both buzzing from: 1. stress you are trying to leave behind and 2. excitement you are feeling about going for a holiday? The first few hours/days, you need to adjust to the slower daily rhythm, to the long hours of lying on the beach and the slowness that is naturally induced by the almighty scorching sunshine. And then you get used to it.

Everything starts moving as if in slow motion. Only, a prolonged summer holiday becomes a sort of torture after some time, because I think not one person in this world can be so lazy not to do anything at all – for long. Then the transformation starts coming in. Cooking, baking, sowing, knitting, biking, calling friends… In this situation, with no possibility of any kind of prediction for even tomorrow – we are just stuck with the now. Amazing. The whole world forced to be in the present moment.

Everyone fully living their family and life situation. With little possibility of running away from where they found themselves.

I will not philosophise about the lockdown. I think you had more than enough time and have seen too many chain messages about how the lockdown is good, and how it is bad. It was intense for a bit there, then it just became another current reality and everything inside went to normal, more or less.

What has been going on with me? A lot, I guess. In short: FAMILY; FOOD; LIFE. In that order. My little family. My partner, his kid and me. Us. We. Little family. Family. Who would say there is so much satisfaction in a little family? So much beauty and so much love. And so many weird things.

My life, since October, has just flipped over into another dimension. I think of my life from less than a year ago, and do not know who that person was. My desires, priorities, goals, life path – everything has changed. Then this ‘nothing short of a WW3’ happened. Everything changed again.

Nature squeezed me out twice. Firstly, the changes arrived with my body’s red alert system turning on. Secondly, COVID-19. 911 situation, again.

Before October, I thought I had a choice. That I had been making choices. To be honest, it was tougher to think I had a choice. It is easier to accept that you do not. It’s much more appeasing.

A couple of months ago, just before the lockdown, I met people I have not met for 10-11 years. Another world, another life. I literally went down memory lane for 2 hours or so. I liked having the gap. I liked how the level of closeness that was long ago established, was exactly the same. Like time had not passed. Yet, faces, styles, life-stories differed. I felt proud of everyone. How they grew. I felt a little proud of myself as well. Older=smarter? Maybe a tiny bit more mature – or? Not? Haha.

Did I tell you how I met my young friend, my partner’s daughter on the bus? A funny story, really. One of the many little miracles that life serves us with daily. It was some months ago. I really wanted to meet her. But somehow there was never a right moment for either of us. I remember that day; how could I forget? I felt as though guided by an invisible force. I did things I would normally have done differently. I saw myself doing them and at the back of my mind I was a little surprised, but that was not enough to stop me from proceeding with the strange decisions.

I got a call that day, that I would normally not have answered. At least not then. Someone was calling, and my mind was telling me: no need to answer, take the call later. My actions differred and after the phone having rung for a long while, I picked up. I thought: why did I pick up? The person asked me to meet her and kind of guided me into accepting a meeting at a time I would have rather not arranged it. Soon after I had to take a bus to go to the city.

There were two buses at the bus stop. The first one was insanely packed. Normally, I would have got on the second bus. Normally. If I actually followed my usual pattern. But I didn’t. I somehow squeezed into that packed bus, for no apparent reason. I actually felt nauseous on the bus. After a few stops, the bus emptied out, and I felt like walking down the bus. I was listening to music, loud music. I didn’t really notice people in particular. Then I raised my head off the floor a little. I saw a familiar face. I realised I knew the familiar face very well. I have seen it, observed it closely – in photos.

My first thought was: “She doesn’t know who I am” and then she lifted her gaze and looked me straight in the eyes. I could see she had recognised me. I thought for a millisecond there: she doesn’t know who I am. But she knew me. And I knew her. So, I said: Hello. And she said: Hello. I said: I recognised you from the pictures. She said: I recognised you from the pictures. Hello! Hello.

That is how nature wished us to meet. I am so grateful for it. There could not have been a more fun, more natural way for us to meet the first time, out of all the possible scenarios me and Mr. Partner planned for.

Mr. Partner. Wow. It’s been a while since I was in a serious relationship. Can I even really count the ones that happened app. 15 years ago? Have I ever?

What can I say? Everything I wanted and more. Everything I didn’t want and more. Man, do I understand now what Guru was talking about when he said that love and pain go hand in hand. I know I can come across as insane. But! I am just very sensitive and emotional. And I can also get angry, and upset. Now I can see all of my insanity neatly packed in a big mirror in front of me, in the form of my partner.

I think he’s amazing. Very gentle. Smart. Resourceful. Super handsome. There are not enough words to compliment his amazingness. At times, I feel like he just fell from the sky into my lap, truly like a gift from God. I feel this life is very different from my previous one. Would I want to exchange this one for that one? No way. Do I miss some aspects of that life? Sure, I do. Yet. It is what it is. Am I happy? OH MY GOD! Yes, I am. I like this life. I like to be able to implement everything I have learned so far. I like that things are a little bit less stressful. We have challenges. Of course, we do. BUT. Man, are things better now in my crazy mind. Oh yes, they are.

Whatever is up, it gets so intense at times. And at other times, everything seems just like a faraway dream.

These days are the intense ones. Work is intense, family is intense, friends are going through intense times. Someone said I was intense? Boy, I’m nothing compared to the world out there. I am a mild tabasco sauce. Not even.

The sun is nice though. The sea and the mountains look lovely at sunset. Better to get less hugs than you expect, rather than no hugs at all. The pain is sweet.

[mojput-mypath]

MOUNTAINS/PLANINE

Things are great. Things are more than great. Life is finally getting the shape I wished it to take. Incredible. All the things I wished for, after some time, came along. And yet, such an important 'happiness' lesson: Life should not be a pursuit of joy, life should be an expression of joy; says Sri Sri. When you wish for something, and it comes true, how long does it keep you happy for? Half a day? When you achieve that little goal you had, when you finally have it within your grasp – how long are you happy just with that? 

You keep climbing up the mountain, waiting and waiting to reach that peak. Once you're up there - how long does it take for you to realise that the peak part is just a tiny moment in the grand climb? and that a long coming-back-down-from-the-mountain is suddenly also in front of you. Once you're up there, you suddenly see so many other mountains you could climb, up and down… A whole new world of possibilities opens up. But when you were climbing up in the first place, the peak seemed to be the only goal visible in the eye of your mind. 

The peak is such short-termed joy. Yes, we say: I am enjoying the road up and looking forward to the downward return home, but we still prefer to get stuck to that one moment of bliss at the very peak. The beauty of the view is long-awaited and then we hold on to it for a long while before it fades away. The peak, the peak, the peak. Before climbing up, looking forward to it. Having climbed up, loving every moment of it. Coming down and later, still holding on to the peak moments. Yet! Yet, the peak is so short, so tiny, so distant in memory most of the time, a vague feeling of short-termed satisfaction. Either looking forward to, or remembering back. 

My peak was a steady life-place, a partner in life(/crime), and a good environment workplace that is steady-paid and longer-termed. And look at that – I got all of it. The peak is such a tiny place/short termed; the journeys before and after are a 100 times bigger/longer. 

What does it even mean to reach the peak – the minute when I move in at my maybe-final-destination for a longer while, the moment I have received my first paycheck, the moment my partner says 'I'm really staying for a while'?

I keep using the word FLOW a lot, lately. Maybe also an influence of the city I am currently and hopefully longer-term, staying in, called Rijeka (Rijeka means River, the city’s motto is 'River, the city that flows'). I can suddenly feel the flow. I can feel it, I can smell it, and I am not trying to re-direct it, or go in another direction. The truth of the matter is that I tried all these manoeuvres earlier, and kept fighting myself and everyone else. I had to DO something. I had to ACT. I needed to KNOW. I wished I could CONTROL. There was no helping it, really. I’m a stubborn island-born kid.

BUT, my body said very loudly, through means of pain: NO. STOP. REST. HELP!

I had no choice but to listen. So I said: OK. I stopped, I rested and I helped my body out.  

Then everything happened. I stopped. I rested. I did not wait for something to be given or delivered to me any longer. I moved in directions I wanted to move, without expectations. Then things moved on their own. I was not worried sick about money, lodging, food (God bless Mother, she herself is such a sanctuary). I could rest. I was taken care of. I could do what I felt I would like to do, without expecting anything out of it. And I did. I got far more than expected.

The years of agony and worry and insecurities of not having a ‘normal’ life – were slowly fading away. Now they seem to be so far away. I feel I’ve got everything I wanted to get. Now that I’m a little bigger. A little more secure. A little more loved… I reached my peak. And now I can see all the new mountains ready for me to climb up and down. 

It just goes on. No peak is the end. 

The new mountains are bigger and scarier. But I climbed this one, so I can surly climb more. Maybe I’m just getting too serious, slowly getting out of my 30s – I can no longer pretend to be a kid. Darn. Even though I am such a child. And I intend to stay one. Till the end. Never serious-up. No matter the greatness of the responsibilities.

One more thing I understand now, is that taking responsibility truly gives us inner freedom. I feel so free when I have things in my life only I am responsible for. No one to hold my back, I can take care of myself. And others. I am also less selfish, I feel. I am out there for anyone who needs me, yet, I feel I was pretending to be selfless, while I was selfishly looking into my own needs and desires. Now I see, if you have others around you, to adjust your needs to their needs – is such a relief. Such a wonderful giving opportunity. 

Why are parents such happy people? Even through all the hard times, sleepless nights and hours of worrying, they have such silly smiles on their faces at times. Because they have no choice but give to their child; their time, their care, their material security. We feel best when we have the opportunity to give. Once we give, we feel the most fulfilled. Whoa! Incredible, right?

The human heart and mind are built in such an opposing way, once you catch the opposites, bliss dawns. 

What you hold on to, moves away from you. What you let go of, comes to you.

It seems I have finally let go. 

His name is not important, his background is not important, his prior life is not important. What is important is the lovely mountain we are embarking on, climbing together. Hand in hand. Together, two as one. Many as two. Finally, 2 plus 2 is -> 5. When two energies come together as one, the sum of the parts is more than the logical result. 

I said: “I knew you existed, I only did not know it is going to be so good.”

He said: “I hoped you existed, but I did not know. I know now.” 

Except being given the most beautiful gift I have looked forward to for so long, the harmony and beauty of togetherness, I also received a bonus present – a child. His daughter? She is neither his, nor her mother’s, nor mine. Children are not owned by anyone, they are their own. We are hanging out, hugging and loving each other and growing all together. 

When the avalanche gets going, it does not stop. I got several more presents. One of them is the trust of my Master to take lead of the European school of yoga. The Sri Sri School of Yoga. Madame la directrice.

One day you’re a kid living in a room with pocket money, and tomorrow you wake up a wife, a mother and a director.

Who would have hoped? I had felt all this should be, but along the way I felt I must be just dreaming. I was not dreaming, I somehow knew. I got discouraged a million times, but I managed to persist. 

The mountains now are different, but still there. So, moving along bravely. FORZA!

_______________________________________________________________________

Vincent, Teodora

Jelena, Metod, Gordana, Vincent

Gordana, Flora, Vanja

Zvir, zgrada/Beast, a building

Gogi na poslu/Gogi at work

_______________________________________________________________________

Sve je super. Sve je više nego super. Život napokon poprima oblik koji sam željela da poprimi. Nevjerojatno. Sve što sam željela, nakon nekog vremena, je došlo. Istovremeno je došlo i važno učenje o sreći: „Ži9vot ne bi trebao biti potraga za srećom, već bi trebao biti izraz sreće.“, kaže Sri Sri. Kad nešto poželiš i to se ostvari, koliko dugo te to uistinu drži sretnim? Pola dana? Kad ostvariš taj svoj mali cilj, kada ti je napokon nadohvat ruke – koliko ćeš dugo s tim biti sretan?

Penješ se na planinu, čekaš i čekaš kako ćeš dosegnuti vrhunac. Kad se napokon popneš gore – koliko vremena ti je potrebno dok ne shvatiš da je vrhunac samo jedan mali trenutak u cijelom iskustvu penjanja? Još kad shvatiš da imaš i cijeli put spuštanja na drugu stranu… Dok si na vrhu, ti se otvori još jedan cijeli svijet mogućnosti. Kada se prvi put penješ, vrh djeluje kao jedini vidljivi cilj u tvom umu. 

Vrh je kratkoročna sreća. Naravno da kažemo: Uživam u putu prema gore i veselim se vraćanju kući, ali ipak se volimo zalijepiti za onaj jedan trenutak blaženstva kad smo se tek popeli na vrh. Ljepota pogleda je dugo-očekivani tren kojeg se dugo držimo, dok ne izblijedi. Vrh, vrh, vrh. Prije penjanja mu se veselimo. Kad smo se popeli, uživamo u svakom trenu koji nam iskustvo vrha daje. Pri spuštanju i naknadno, još se držimo trenutaka samog vrhunca. Iskustvo vrha je toliko kratkoročno, toliko maleno, većinom kao neko daleko sjećanje, blijedi osjećaj kratkoročnog užitka. Ili mu se veselimo, ili ga se sjećamo sa sjetom.

Moj vrhunac je bio stabilan život, životni partner (i partner u razbojništvu), dobro radno okruženje, stalna plaća i dugoročni projekt. I vidi vraga, dobila sam sve to. Vrhunac je to kratkoročno mjestašce; dok je put prije i poslije 100 puta dugotrajniji i važniji. 

Što uopće znači dosegnuti vrhunac – te sekunde kada se uselim na lokaciju na kojoj ću može-bitno ostati neko vrijeme, tog trena kad primim svoju prvu stalnu plaću, te minute kada mi partner kaže: 'ostajem neko vrijeme'?

U zadnje vrijeme koristim riječ na čiji spomen sam se znala ježiti: flow. Možda je tu malo utjecaj grada u kojem živim, u nadi da ću tu ostati neko vrijeme, koji se zove Rijeka (čiji je moto: grad koji teče). Odjednom osjećam taj neki flow. Osjećam ga, mogu ga nanjušiti, i ne pokušavam ga nigdje preusmjeriti, niti sama otići u drugom smjeru. Prava istina je ta da sam sve te manevre isprobala ranije, boreći se sama sa sobom i sa svima drugima. Morala nam nešto NAPRAVITI. Morala sam DJELOVATI. Morala sam ZNATI. Željela sam KONTROLIRATI. Nije tu baš bilo pomoći, tvrdoglavo sam, bračko dite. 

Moje tijelo je jasno i glasno reklo, vokabularom poveće boli: NE. STANI. ODMORI. UPOMOĆ!

Nisam imala izbora, nego poslušati. Rekla sam: OK. Stala sam, odmorila, i pomogla svom tijelu.

Upravo tada se sve dogodilo. Stala sam. Odmarala sam. Nisam čekala da mi nešto bude dano, dostavljeno pred mene. Krenula sam u smjerovima u kojim sam se htjela kretati, bez očekivanja. Tada su se stvari pokrenule same. Nisam bila zabrinuta za novce, smještaj, hranu (Bog blagoslovio majku, ona je utočište u svakom smislu te riječi.) Mogla sam odmoriti. Bila sam zbrinuta. Mogla sam raditi što sam osjećala da želim, bez očekivanja određenih rezultata. A rezultati su došli. Došlo je puno više od ičeg što sam očekivala.

Godine agonije i brige i nesigurnosti zbog nemanja 'normalnog' života – su polako počele blijediti. Iz ovog kuta djeluju kao da su jako daleko. Osjećam da sam dobila sve što sam ikada željela. Sada sam malo veća. Malo se osjećam sigurnije. Malo više voljeno… Doživjela sam svoj vrhunac. Sada mogu vidjeti sve nove planine na koje ću se popeti i s kojih ću sići. 

Ide se dalje. Nijedan vrhunac nije kraj.

Nove planine uvijek djeluju veće i strašnije. Na ovu sam se popela, pa se zasigurno mogu popeti na još koju. Možda postajem preozbiljna, izlazim polako iz tridesetih – ne mogu se više pretvarati da sam klinka. Iako jesam. I namjeravam ostati klinka. Do kraja! Nikada se ne uozbiljiti. Bez obzira na veličinu odgovornosti.

Još jedna stvar koju sada razumijem, je da nam preuzimanje odgovornosti uistinu daje osjećaj unutarnje slobode. Osjećam veliku slobodu kada postoje stvari za koje sam samo ja odgovorna. Nitko mi ne drži leđa. Trebam se brinuti za sebe. I za druge. Mislim da sam malo manje sebična, bar se tako osjećam. Tu sam za onoga kome je potrebno. Mislim da sam se nekada pretvarala da sam nesebična, dok sam istovremeno sebično gledala samo svoje potrebe i želje. Sada vidim ako imaš druge oko sebe, trebaš prilagoditi svoje potrebe njihovim potrebama – i to je začudo veliko olakšanje. Predivna prilika za davati. 

Zašto su roditelji sretni ljudi? Čak i u teškim trenucima, neprospavanim noćima i satima i satima brige, često se glupavo smiješe. Nemaju drugog izbora, nego davati svojoj djeci – svoje vrijeme, svoju brigu, dijeliti svoju materijalnu sigurnost. Osjećamo se najbolje kada imamo priliku davati. Dok dajemo, osjećamo se naj-ispunjenije. Vau! Nevjerojatno, zar ne?

Ljudsko srce i um su u suprotnosti, ali jednom kad uloviš suprotnosti, blaženstvo se budi.

Čega se grčevito držiš, odmaknut će se od tebe. Što otpustiš, doći će ti.

Čini se da sam bar nešto napokon otpustila.

Njegovo ime nije važno, odakle je nije važno, kako je prije živio je nevažno. Važnost se nalazi u toj divnoj planini na koju se krećemo penjati zajedno. Ruku pod ruku. Zajedno. Dvoje kao jedan. Mnogo kao dvoje. Na kraju krajeva, 2 plus 2 je -> 5. Kada se dvije energije usklade i postanu poput jedne, rezultat je veći od logičnog zbroja. 

Ja sam rekla: Znala sam da postojiš, samo nisam znala da će biti ovako dobro.

On je rekao: Nadao sam se da postojiš, ali nisam znao. Sad znam.

Osim što sam dobila najljepši poklon kojem sam se dugo nadala, sklad i ljepotu zajedništva, dobila sam i bonus poklon - dijete. Njegovu kćer? Nije ni njegova, ni majčina, ni moja. Djeca nisu ničija, nego svoja. Družimo se, grlimo se, volimo i rastemo svi skupa. 

Kada lavina krene, ne staje. Tako sam dobila još nekoliko poklona. Jedan od njih je povjerenje Učitelja da vodim europsku školu yoge. Sri Sri School of Yoga. Gospođa Direktorica, molim lijepo. 

Jedan dan si klinka u sobi s džeparcem, sutradan si žena, majka, direktorica. 

Tko bi se tome nadao? Osjećala sam da do svega toga treba doći, ali mi se po putu činilo da možda samo sanjam. Nisam sanjala, nekako sam znala. Obeshrabrila sam se petsto milijuna puta u međuvremenu, ali sam nekako ipak ustrajala.

Sad su planine drugačije, ali su i dalje tu. Zato, put pod noge i idemo dalje. FORCA!

[mojput-mypath]

Povijest bolesti / Medical history

New necklace addition to my jewellery collection / Novi dodatak mojoj kolekciji nakita

After having been blessed by my physiatrist to travel, I ended up having a small surgical incision. I really like the sound of the words ‘small surgical incision’. It was one of those situations when you just know what you are supposed to do. I strolled to the emergency room in the middle of the night and had a small surgical incision done. People used to die of these kinds of infections. I limped home after the operation, without a problem. Also not the smartest thing to do, but what to do when I’m so brave. And stoopid.       

Even the small surgical incision did not prevent me from travelling. At the moment I had lots of things in line, like hanging out, picking up at the airport, course translating, assisting and preparing for another course. All this seemed just impossible to cancel. In the end it was very possible, as I was forced to cancel. The pain was too much of a reason.

Gordana taking sick leave, how did that happen?

A series of tiny miracles happened on the way to Germany. First I met a guy who gave me a back massage at the airport. As soon as I arrived, I bumped into someone familiar and got a ride to my destination. Even my suitcase was brought to my room. Royal treatment.  

Not even a few days in, my back started to hurt like hell. I could not sit, lie, meditate, nor sleep. It was clear I had to go home. Home to mommy.

View from my mom’s balcony, Rijeka / Pogled s maminog balkona, Rijeka

I should have told everyone I could not travel and cancel everything on time, in order for my role to be adequately replaced. That I have not done, because I could not bare to cancel anything, to hurt others financially or emotionally. I am responsible and I do not give up! In the end I did more harm than good.

Nothing in life is useless. Even that trip, except tiring me enormously, gave me so many lovely things. So many people were caring for my needs and pain – the ashram truly provides. Yet, the ashram is not almighty. Sometimes one needs to stop.

Gordana has no notion of what it means to stop. So far I have seen two physiatrists, the ayurveda doctor, two chiropractors, a minimum of 4 therapists, a trainer and did swimming. All this has some influence on my recovery, but the greatest influence is that I stopped overworking, and at the same time I am attending to my crooked body.

They keep saying how I must have had some enormous trauma. I think not, at least not in this life. No physical trauma I am aware of that could cause such a state. I am all bent, torsion and sideways. There is an entire list of diagnosis: spondylosis, hyper lordosis, kyphosis, uncarthrosis… I am not super worried, because I know it can get better. The only thing that really bothers me is the pain. It is beginning to be difficult to bear, and continuing painkillers will eat my liver up.

The only painkiller I take now: a Croatian candy travelled to India, to be blessed by my Guru, and then returned to Germany where it came into my hands / Jedine tablete za bolove koje sada uzimam: hrvatski bonbon koji je otputovao do Indije, gdje ga je moj Guru blagoslovio, da bi se vratio u Njemačku i završio u mojim rukama

I also met an angel who put my atlas (first vertebrae) into its place, as well as my heart. A person who can understand when you are in love with the divine nature of this entire existence. A Gopal – friend in knowledge.

However, my prince on a white horse rode along. It is quite incredible how when you get absolutely everything you wanted, you see that fulfilment of your desires does not bring fulfilment deep in your heart.

Careful what you wish for!

I thought of a few more important human expressions:

1. A man is known by the company he keeps. 2. Sweep around your own front door before you try to clean someone else's. 3. Thank God.

The human language is full of truth. The simple sayings we take no attention to. Open your ears and start listening to what people are saying, but do not forget to listen to the rustle of the leaves. Open your eyes and see the beauty of this world, and also do not forget to see its sadness, in order to know what you need to do in life.

Let love enter your heart, let the divine find you and show you the way of true fulfilment.

There is only one thing that makes any sense in this life, that is love. Not corny, romantic love for your partner, but love for existence itself. Loving in all we do, pink glasses we wear while shopping, making out, working, cleaning floors. Love for movement, touch, smell, love for our dear ones and far away ones. Love for the visible and for the invisible. Not scattered love, ecstasy without awareness, but love seeping out of our very existence, leaving a trace on our every movement, action, thought and spoken word.  

LOVE.

Bye-bye nice croissants in Zagreb / Ćao finim zagrebačkim kroasanima

_______________________

Nakon što me fizijatrica poslala s blagoslovom na put, završila sam na malom operativnom zahvatu. Baš mi se sviđa taj izraz: mali operativni zahvat. To je bila jedna od onih situacija kad jednostavno znaš što ti je činiti. Prošetala sam se do hitne usred noći i obavila mali rez kako bi se ugnojena rana očistila. Nekoć su ljudi od takvih upala umirali. Odšepala sam doma nakon operacije, bez beda. Ne baš najpametnija stvar koju sam u životu napravila, ali šta ćeš kad sam hrabra. I glupa.

Ni taj mali operativni zahvat me nije spriječio da krenem na put. Činilo mi se u tom trenutku previše otkazati druženje, skupljanje na aerodromu, prevođenje tečaja, asistiranje i priprema drugog tečaja. Sve mi je to izgledalo kao nemoguće za otkazati. Na kraju je bilo vrlo moguće, jer sam bila prisiljena sve otkazati. Zbog boli.

Gordana na bolovanju, eto i to se dogodilo.

Po putu se dogodilo i nastavila su se događati mala čuda jedno za drugim. Prvo sam upoznala čovjeka koji mi je izmasirao bolna leđa na aerodromu. Zatim čim sam došla u Njemačku, nabasala sam na poznatu osobu, pa sam odvezena na odredište. I kufer mi je odnesen u sobu! Kraljevski.

Nije prošlo ni prvih par dana, već su me počela leđa boljeti nepodnošljivo. Nisam mogla sjediti, ležati, meditirati, ni spavati. Bilo mi je jasno da moram doma. Doma mamici.

Another mommy’s balcony view / Još jedan pogled s maminog balkona

Trebala sam odmah reći svima da ne mogu doći, i otkazati sve na vrijeme, da se moja uloga može na vrijeme i adekvatno zamijeniti. To nisam napravila, jer nisam mogla podnijeti da išta otkažem, da druge oštetim ni financijski ni emotivno. Ja sam odgovorna i ne odustajem! Na kraju sam donijela sebi i svima drugima više štete nego koristi.

Ništa nije za bezveze, a tako ni taj put, na kojem sam se izmorila, ali na kraju i dobila tretmane svih oblika, po potrebi trenutka. Ashram se pobrine. Ali nije ni ashram svemoguć. Nekad treba stati (?).  

Gordana ne zna što to znači stati. Do sada sam bila kod dvije fizijatrice, ayurvedskog doktora, dva kiropraktičara, minimalno 4 terapeuta, jedne trenerice i na plivanju. Sve to ima nekog utjecaja, ali najvećeg utjecaja ima to što sam se malo zaustavila s poslom, a istovremeno što sam veću pažnju pridala iskrivljenom tijelu.

Kažu mi da sam imala neku veliku traumu. U ovom životu nisam. Bar ne fizičku. Sva sam se nakrivila, oko osi i na stranu. Imam sve dijagnoze koje se mogu imati vezano uz leđa. Spondiloza, hiperlordoza, kifoza, unkartroza... Ništa me to ne sekira, jer znam da se može ispraviti. Jedino me sekira bol. To mi je malo teško podnositi, a tablete više ne mogu piti, jetra će me napustiti.  

Naišla sam i na anđela koji mi je vratio atlas (prvi vratni kralježak) na mjesto, ali i srce mi je stavio na mjesto. Osoba koja razumije što znači kada si zaljubljen u božansku prirodu postojanja. Gopal – prijatelj u znanju.

Doduše, moj princ na bijelom konju je odjahao dalje. Nevjerojatno je kad dobiješ apsolutno sve što si želio, i onda uvidiš da ispunjenje želja ne donosi ispunjenje srca.

Kolači za dvoje su sad kolači za jednog / Cakes for two became cakes for one

Pazi što želiš!

Nastavno na tu izreku, sjetila sam se još par važnih:

1. S kim si takav si. 2. Prvo pometi ispred svojih vrata. 3. Hvala Bogu.

Ljudski jezik je prepun istina, kroz jednostavne izreke na koje više ne obraćamo pozornost. Naćuli uši i počni slušati što ljudi govore, ali ne zaboravi slušati šuškanje lišća. Otvori oči i pogledaj ljepotu ovoga svijeta, ali ne zaboravi vidjeti i njegovu tugu, da znaš što ti je činiti.

Pusti ljubav u svoje srce, pusti božansko da te pronađe i pokaže ti put istinskog ispunjenja.

Jedna i jedina stvar koja ima nekakvog smisla u ovom životu je ljubav. Ne otrcana, romantična ljubav za partner-icu/-a, već ljubav za samo postojanje. Voljenost u svemu što radimo, ružičaste naočale koje nosimo dok kupujemo, dok se ljubimo, dok radimo, dok peremo pod. Ljubav za pokret, dodir, miris, ljubav za najbliže i najdalje. Ljubav za vidljivo i nevidljivo. Ne rasuta ljubav, ekstaza bez svjesnosti. Ljubav koja izvire iz našeg postojanja, kojom je obojan svaki naš pokret, djelovanje, misao i riječ.

LJUBAV.

Photo by Julia Righes - Love for Life / Slikala Julia - Ljubav za Život

[mojput-mypath]

Quite a long read...yet - exciting! Go for it :)

August 24th 2019

Reading time: 10 minutes, 7 seconds.

I wake up in the morning, my body clock tells me the time. Even if I wanted not to wake, I still wake. My body tells me: it is time. It took a few days to get to this point with a super loud alarm clock my sister would strangle me for, but then 3-4 days later, the body already knows. Every day at the same time – so easy.

SHARING

Gurudev says: when you share something, it looses power. If it is a secret, and it is spoken, it loses its power and leaves you. If it is something precious to you, kept inside, it grows and enlightens you from within. That is why I wait before I write, until it grows in me so much I cannot but share, when it all matures inside of me. I also have my bad secret secrets, but I share them skilfully, so I am free of them and no one gets hurt. At least that is how I perceive my actions in the world.

Today I shared a burden of guilt on my chest to someone who was able to take it easily. It made me really free. All the bad things we do or have been done to us, the pain that comes with it, gives us so much depth. The pain can bring sadness with it, but if we drop the sadness and stay with the pain, the pain will slowly dissolve. The sadness is our own creation, we choose to keep it. Another amazing pearl of wisdom from Sri Sri (Gurudev) is: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Easier said than done, I guess. How to let go of the sadness? By choice, I tell you. The only thing that blocks us from letting go of all the emotions we so selfishly keep to ourselves, is that we do not really know how. We struggle.

To live a life of spirituality for me is a direct result of the early part of my life being a really heavy and sad one. No one to blame for it! It is how it is. Me being a little more sensitive only makes my life’s events more difficult for me to digest. If I think back, it took me years (and I guess this is just another growing up experience for all of us) – it took me years to come out of blaming my parents for all my life’s experiences. Not for the war, or the divorce, or the moving from place to place, not because of all the previously mentioned events – but for how I felt about them happening to me. All my emotions and my states of mind had basically two people holding responsibility over them: my parents.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

I just took such a long time to get out of pointing fingers and start looking at myself as the responsible one for how the experience of my life was and is influencing my state of being. At that exact moment, I wished to come out of blaming, but had no idea how to do that. I resorted to turn the blame on myself. At the time it has already been a bit late, as I was a full-blown drug abuser and alcoholic. Just added to the list as more things I blamed ‘life’ for bringing on me, still not taking any responsibility for what I was doing to my body, my mind, or how I behaved to my partners and friends and family.

I will tell you, my dear, that even today I do not take full responsibility on many occasions. It takes time for me to see that I am truly the creator of all that comes to me. And even if I had not known that I was the creator myself, that is no reason not to take responsibility – not for what happened – but for how it made me feel and think. That is entirely mine. No one can take responsibility for my reactions, for my thoughts and my feelings. Yes, they are mine and mine alone.

I came to realise how the habit of taking proper care of myself, of my body, my mind, my emotions and my state of being has not yet reached a level I could be proud of. I am 37 years old. I have been meditating and doing yoga and other practices since 2005. Soon to be my 15 years anniversary of mostly being surrounded by people that are into health and happiness, good habits, cleansing techniques, healthy food, environmental care etc. etc. etc. Most of my friends even before that time were and are activists for human rights, artists, meditators. I can say my environment has been only supportive for me to adopt fully only good life habits. Yet, every single day I wake up in the morning, it is a new day and a new struggle to keep discipline for my own well-being.

I am the embodiment of opposites and extremes. I can keep a strict restrictive diet for months. And I can eat pizza for months. I can dream of staying in one place for years, and move house five times in a single year. 

PLANNING

Whatever I plan will take another direction from the expected one. I think that maybe there is no point in planning any more.

Quoting myself from the other day:

When you feel so free to go wherever and do whatever at any time, it becomes difficult to make decisions. That is where the ‘sadhana’ comes in handy for me. No matter what, I have one thing that is always with me, my personal spiritual practice. It gives me clarity, when I really need to make decisions, I make them and I do not regret them. Whatever I decided and did, I stay with it and then see what will happen. I never wish to go back on my stupid and crazy and sometimes even very smart decisions.

Anyway, do you think you ever really decided anything in your life? You might think you have, but in the end life will take you by the hand wherever life plans to take you. It may happen that sometimes you made a decision in alignment to where life was anyway taking you – and you got the illusion that you are the decision-maker.

Everything works in opposites – we have absolute responsibility and are creators of our own lives and at the same time: life slaps and hugs us however it wishes to. Absolute control, and absolute surrender – at the same time, all the time. Wow!

DATING STORIES

I have recently moved from my safe space into my very-not-safe space. Exposed to just life. Without big plans, saving the world, and serving humanity. I am figuring out how to earn more money, how to pay rent, how to interact with new people. I have a network of dear friends and spiritual family, but I also meet completely new people. I also interact with so many people on a daily basis, just coming out of my house. I somehow feel less inhibited to talk to anyone in any situation – post office, bank, shop. As if these people were my friends and family. It is a shift for me, I feel more comfortable with people in general.

I am also meeting people, let’s say kind of dating. Meeting people that are interested in dating, and seeing where it takes us. I met someone who could really be a new buddy. A younger person, a refreshing openness of mind and heart. I also met someone else, who I really liked. Or I might have liked who I imagined this person to be. I have mad intuition, and I just know when things are not right and it takes me a little time, but eventually, when I stop being obsessive, I can feel exactly what the doubt in me was about. In this particular case, the someone is engaged with someone else. I had felt this instant connection, like an old acquaintance, from another life. You know how some people you just connect to instantly, and some who have been your friends for years, you maybe never come to that level of connecting/understanding.

The whole story was just insane how much energy was spent on it. You ‘recognise’ someone, and you just want to become an essential part of the other person. So, on the metaphysical/emotional side, such a connection, such easy understanding with practically a stranger. On the other, practical/material, who is this person really? Did I truly ‘recognise’ or did I just wish to?

One more person that I met seemed obviously perfect, but there is something I cannot quite pin-point about it all. I know it has nothing to do with the other person, I feel some distance from myself and cannot quite pin-point the reason behind it yet. I’ll let you know when I figure it out! (see end of this blog)

I still have no idea what all happened and why, I just realised so many things about myself in the process.

I LEARNED SO MANY THINGS

Firstly, I fall in love in a fraction of a second. I connect to people so easily, on a certain level. I can instantly imagine spending my life with the person. Yes, I start projecting my desires on the person in front of me. Secondly, I got clear plain confirmation that my intuition is spot on. Just accurate, in detail. I can know how the person feels, how they will react and what they are hiding (if they are hiding something). Thirdly, people like me at first sight, because I am smart and funny, for sure, but also they have not experienced meeting someone so instantly easy-going and honest. It attracts them. Even though they might not even know what it is, they feel drawn to me. Realisation number four: if someone actually likes you does not mean that is the right person for you.

I wanted to meet ‘ordinary’ people. Not activists and artists, just people, with ‘normal’ lives and jobs, just living the life, without big ideas, goals, saving the world and so on. Someone who I can talk about music, art, and psychology. It gave me calmness to realise there are so many different people in this world, but it also left me empty.

I can connect so easily, yet the connection I am looking for seems not to be so worldly. Maybe that is my mistake. I wish for an out-of-this-world connection, yet tangible, real. 

All of these thoughts and ideas about what I want are just that: thoughts and ideas. I had a lot of time to think about what I want, and now I am meeting people, and it is becoming more clear to me what I am really looking for. On the other hand, as said before: complete surrender and complete control, at the same time.

BALANCE

I have no idea what this life of mine has in store for me, but I do know now that it is guiding me to maintain balance in everything. Balance between the spiritual and the material, balance between work and rest, balance between searching to meet someone and allowing life to surprise me.

Time to take rest now. I have been so active this August, and it will continue for quite some time. No holidays ahead for me, as things are looking now.

Love you readers, really love you all. I cannot emphasise enough that I am totally available for you, and how being available for others makes me a happier, more fulfilled person. I am recently understanding that to be there for whoever might need me requires me to do many things for myself. That is another balance that is slowly starting to work out for me. So, on that note, I am going to get some extra sleep this night: 7,5 hours in comparison to less than 6 hours per night, every night since close to a month ago. I will tell you how I manage to stay alive and actively functioning!

September 5th 2019

Reading time: 7 minutes, 0 seconds.

Time freaking flies!

INTUITIVE ANATOMY

Still, I will give August a little recap, because it was eventful. It started with me assisting and attending a program called „Intuitive Anatomy“, by the ThetaHealing technique. Sounds cool right? Well, except me always being in the business of self-exertion, because I worked AND attended the seminar. I also did learn a lot. When I say a lot, I meant a whole bunch a lot. What was probably the most interesting for me was how I was interested more in the body and its functions than the beliefs that each bodily system carries. My favourite bodily system is: skeleton and bones. Very, very interestingly, this is where I have the most pain throughout my life as well as currently. Bones are structure, and structure is safety and stability. Of which I know nothing, less than Jon Snow himself.

A two-week full-day program, where I discovered how people who you would expect least to connect to, somehow you do. Where I learned what it means to not rest enough and to work too much for too many projects and people simultaneously. Did I learn, though?

At the end of it all, I felt relieved, exhausted and brainless/calm. It was really a mixture of so many things, that in the end I cannot even say what exactly would be the feeling or takeaway that I would point out. I learned a lot, about the body, about myself, about others, about my life, about what I want and I what I really need.

In this time, on ‘rest’ days, I went to see my granny with my sister and her boyfriend, and that day was such a relaxed and lovely experience. I even had a swim, my second swim this summer. The other rest day I spent travelling as well as working.

TEACHER TRAINING

As soon as this project was finalised, I travelled to Germany that same night. I walked into the Black Forest whirlpool, again in the role of a course assistant, usually, I was more an admin assistant for the Art of Living Teacher Training, but this year I spent more time in the course itself, as the teachers’ assistant. I really recovered from my tiredness quite soon. As Katina says: the Ashram provides. It did provide for me.

I meditated a lot and spent more time in the course than I have in the previous years, and could really feel how my energy was going higher and higher. But then, too many days of sleeping too less finally got to me. I did so much yoga as well, that I later realised was really bad postures for my broked spine. My spine is not really ‘broked’, but it is kind of wonky. Less sleep, wonky back, too much exertion in yoga postures. And on top of all that, every day a little more sugar to keep me up.

Me, doing Yoga I should not be doing at the moment, August 2019

Copyright: Julia Righes

The energy was so high, that it was mostly like flying through the day, just making it till the evening, getting totally recharged in unforgettable parties, I ever only saw with YES!+ people (18-30 years of age sober/straight insane dancing and enthusiasm).

But. The accumulated tiredness and lack of care for food and sleep got to me eventually and I broke. My body was in so much pain, and my whole nervous system kind of collapsed. It was so strange, because people know me as being so strong. And I was! Until I was not anymore. I just caved in completely. I was hurting physically, I was hurting emotionally and my brain was fried. The first thing I did was call mom, as she did not pick up – who you’re gonna call – ghost busters! I called my sister K, and she yelled over the phone about people not instantly flying to the moon for me. She knows me too well, and if I am crying out of physical pain, it means it is really extreme levels of pain.

I don’t know if this is something to be proud of, but I was told by a physician that he rarely saw such a high pain tolerance, and that if I would ever actually complain of pain, that he would really be very worried. At the time I thought it was cool, but not truly realising the gravity of the situation.

WHO CARES?

All sorts of strange situations happened, through which I understood a few things: - People will really care, and people will not care – regardless, I should know that everything that is happening is somehow benefitting many people in many different ways. Everybody learns from a situation, everybody gets what they need.

- When in need, I need to ask for help. Even if I do not ask, I need to know to accept it when it is given. Relax, let go and allow nature to take care of me. Without worrying whether I have money to pay the needed treatments, without being ashamed about what people will think if they see me weak, without pushing myself to be strong, and to be better and just allowing my body and mind and heart to take what it needs, and in this case it was rest and care.

I got cared for in so many ways. I was driven, people called doctors for me, gave me all possible treatments, comforting things and food, hugs and support. I even had a beauty session, to make me feel better and a nature and cake photo-shoot! Wow. Nature never leaves you to suffer. Even when you are in such pain. And remember, my pain tolerance level is high and I am saying I am in a lot of pain.  

There was so much pain in my body but also in my heart. I felt all the stress and worries from the previous 5 months just had to come out in those two days. I was also quite high on pain killers, tried them all. They have various effects, some really make you feel high in the mind, and some just take away the physical pain.

I had to allow others to see me in need, to see me weak. To let them care for me. They could also see how different things were without my presence. I thought that was also a good perspective for everyone to have. How things are when I am not around.

The pain was a tiny bit little less, and I was still getting treatments till the end of my stay and managed to play guitar in that time, my arm cramping up during the strumming.

But I made it, because I am STRONG, as my little nephew says through his clenched teeth.

BACK TO LIFE

I travelled back home, slept, rested and came back to daily life, after a month of such an intensive time. Daily life is also quite busy now, and on top of the work, I have another mission to attend to: healing my wonky back. I managed to do a lot of things in a very short time, and in one week saw a specialist, and did tests and am seeing the specialist again next week and probably start physical therapy as well. The Gordana Express, all aboard!

The diagnosis is a bit scary and the words ‘pre-operational state’ are not comforting, but everything else is.

Such a bump on the head for me, to really, really start caring about my body’s needs. I disregard myself all the time, for work, for others, for so many projects. And of course I love it, but it is all a bit too much, this lifestyle. I just need a tiny bit more balance in the work/rest equation.

It is also so beautiful to see how much people care and how much they can really help me. I am not the only one who can help others, people are magnificent with their talents and approaches and how much they can give to others in need. Absolutely lovely.

‘The divine dwells in every heart.’ – says G.

I am doing some treatments (ultrasound massage, laser healing and magnet) of modern medicine to help by back, and they are helping. I also had a few Ayurvedic therapies, because I am scared that the western machines are helping my tissues, but also ruining my aura - haha! It feels slowly, slowly better, and the journey continues. What also helps a lot is me being satisfied for everything that is and being grateful for all the gifts life gives me, every single day.  

Me in Rijeka this summer

September 23rd 2019

Reading time: 3 minutes, 52 seconds

FOLLOWING UP!

Exciting gazillion news, again! When I will not have news to share, it will be the end of this blog.

I am still doing my therapy for the back and in quite some pain, but not so much suffering, to be really honest. I am taking it well. I am also taking some Ayurvedic supplements and following suggestions about food and what to do to make the nerve less inflamed as well as the muscles less cramped. It’s kind of working. I can proudly say I am making slow and steady progress with ups and downs. I can now also exercise and I love it.

I also feel utterly helpless. It is silly, but I can actually not ride my bike, play guitar, or even press or hold things with my left hand. It is difficult to accept, to have to ask for help all the time. Luckily, other people take better care of me, than I do.

So, let’s move on to the news! I am actually dating someone. I wrote a list of what I thought was a perfect person for me and to be honest, this guy is 90% this person. The one from the first text of this blog.

We met on Tinder (a dating app), and instantly felt comfortable with each other. There is nothing like what you want and then you get that. It is that you somehow like the person, and then like many things about them, when you get to know them better.

I put him at a distance at first and it took me some time to allow him to come closer. I was quite cautious. It is all a very fresh experience, but let’s see where it takes us. It seems promising, but on the other hand, what do I know, I cannot really see the future…

As my back is creating me serious limitations on what I can and cannot do, a big project to travel far, work a lot and earn money is currently out of the picture. I had it all nicely planned out. August I spoke about, September to finish a job I resigned from, October in ashrams, November and December working in the USA, but now the America part is no longer happening, so I needed to restructure. America meant quite some cash, and I even considered to go and live in Switzerland or Burma.

I know, I know, but my ideas are quite brilliant! Burma, I would have gone and taught English and possibly saved some money. Switzerland (Lausanne) was a Western-world wish I have had for some time now, and also to brush up my French. And also Zagreb, after so many years coming here, I was planning to work part-time in a bar, a non-smoking, non-alcohol-serving patisserie, bakery, coffee-shop. But health has different plans for me. At the moment, I cannot teach yoga or organise events, because of the physical requirements. I can sit at home and do things on my computer, so that is what I’ll focus on. If you have some writing needs or any kind of marketing skills needed with a bit of design and/or website management – ping me!

And finally, big surprise – I am moving from Zagreb, this time it is Rijeka. My nightmare city, where I definitely never wanted to live in. Yet, what you resist persists, so Rijeka it is. The place I lived my darkest times. My first, and so many more times, getting drunk, getting the worst beating from my mom, worried for my sister’s well-being on two occasions, unhappy love stories and strange people, bullied at school etc. All this was so many years ago. Resenting a city is a strange thing to hold on to. So, here I have the opportunity to come out of all that. I will stay with my dear mom’s place, close to my new boyfriend’s place, and my sister Jelena’s and her partner and my nephew; my youngest sister, Eleonora, will be living in Trieste, that is also close by.

In the end, all roads lead to the place I least wished to be in. That is how it is! I have some ideas what all I’ll involve myself into in Rijeka, but let’s keep a secret or two for now.

Dudes, get me some online work, yo! I’m smart, hardworking and creative. 

Love you Zagreb and ‘OK, bye’ to You. Hello cold Germany and rainy Rijeka. At least I’ll be at the seaside, finally. Even though you cannot really reach the seaside in Rijeka, but who cares, as long as you can see the big blue Adriatic bay every day.

Ahoy to new adventures, again and again.

:neverstop:

A lovely present, from a lovely person. Saying: I believe in you.

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