#after beach bitch
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#spoink#the first pokémon you ever do a request for in pmd sky… the only thing i know about this pokémon#she lost the pearl on her head and needed you to go find it. in what‚ drenched bluff‚ right? the second dungeon of the game after beach cave#i believe so. then she gives you a thousand poké and your partner is like holy FUCK we're RICH and chatot is like Nononono#that bitch. i'll never forgive him… even if he is… a generally likable character… depriving recruits of food because they got framed#is a LITTLE HARSH? i know he didn't Know they got framed but even if they weren't framed it's still a bit harsh. so. he's a bitch#but he's our bitch. this is not about spoink. i'll save That conversation for gen 4. i'll have a lot to say about that little man#something-something wigglytuff trans. here's spoink#couldn't remember if it was spoink or sproink at first. dunno why. but it's spoink i think#i'm gonna eat food now. i have not eaten all day and it's like 2 PM. see you at uuuhhhh grumpig
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this is absolutely one hundred percent an otherside picnic blog now btw
#otherside picnic#what if we were two girls and we had the closest relationship in the world 😳😳#what if we were practical and thematical compliments to each other so that one could not work without the other#what if we went through unimaginable horrors and came out clutching onto each other as the last anchor in our world#WHAT IF I WAS TRAPPED IN INTERSTITIAL SPACE AND THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET BACK TO YOU WAS TO SEE THE EXTENT OF YOUR LOVE FOR ME#WHAT IF WERE LESBIANS DRIVING AN AP-1 HUH#what if our sanity was a toy we could play with like a cats cradle and you wove mine back up for me again#what if you accompanied me into fear itself and pulled me back out again#what if you picked out an outfit for me in the magoiya of all places and told me I looked cute in it#what if I was like ophelia in a field and you were a hand reaching down to me#what if the world itself was fraying at the seams and you held my hand and we stepped through#what then huh. what then.#what happens. what happens when we’re two girls in a world like no other and we’re accomplices#(the closest relationship in the world)#and we rely on each other and fight for each other and cry for each other#I have so many thoughts about otherside picnic#gay ass bitches#what if I was running from the things in my past and fell into a field through a door and you laughed and helped me up#what if we had a fight and i came running after you into death itself#what if we got drunk on a beach in the middle of the otherside and watched the ocean#what if. what if. what if.
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who said a famous actor couldn't fill their social media accounts with mostly posts about their handsome future husband? perhaps bin taesoo's manager might have tried, but he was never really good at listening — featuring @sunchases and their whirlwind cinematic romance .
#sunchases#taesoo & harper : bond .#handcrafted flower crowns : edits .#A LITTLE ACTOR AU E.DIT WAS NEEDED AFTER URS BC IT#INSPIRED ME!!#s.oo rly. posts mostly abt h.arper PAOSKDPKSD#he almost never posts his face unless given permission but he loves posting about their dates n stuff#HE JUST CANT HELP HOW IN LOVE HE IS#imagining them going on a vacation and renting a car in another country to go visit places#and going to a sunflower field... and a beach... having picnics...#also they 100% got a text from h.arper and looked away from the live to look at it and immediately smiled bc how can they not#and theres always some bitches talking shit but#if he sees it he immediately kicks them out#ANYWAY JUST A FUN LIL EDIT BC THIS AU DESERVES IT#took me longer than id like to admit to finish this#ah also that last tweet was def when h.arps was right there n s.oo was just being cute n silly
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WHY IS EVERYONE IN HIS INSTA COMMENTS TELLING HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY???
#they are celebrating their 'male ally' 😭#his pool being 1/3rd elaborate floatie#at least he actually uses it#i cant stand people that have one and dont#if it's like a tub pool thats outside i understand#those are kinda just for social gatherings#but an indoor pool?#bitch u BETTER use that!!#look too damn cool not to!#i personally find pools kinda boring after the next 15 minutes of being in one#like. ok. now what#we can only race each other so many times#and eventually we both get tired of having to go grab the beach ball we accidentally knocked out#like now this is just a waste of my time#maybe it's bcs i was on the swim team so i have a harder time associating fun with it but still#his eyes <33#wouldve been cuter if he was looking to the side tbh#now he looks like a little demon watching salt get rained down upon it#his jewelry mewooo#meow*#be careful with the chain in the pool bro it might snag a drain#jaren
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sergey is so fucking funny to me bc theyre like a deadpan ex-gangster lone wolf pushing 40 but also they fucking love shrimp, they think shrimp are adorable, they make their own shirts that have shit like “keep it shrimple!” and “prawn to be wild” on them, they love jimmy buffet, if they ever got to go to a beach that had safe water theyd run around and jump and frolick like a dog let off the leash, the people who get to see their smile most in the whole facility are probably the wellcheers shrimp
#THEYRE SO FUNNY TO MEEE SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH HER#this bitch loves summer fun!!!#‘you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?’ is genuinely their sense of humor#they’re so DUMB AND CUTE 🫶🫶🫶#after they work with wellcheers they always thank the shrimp and tell them the soda was good. with a rare smile …#so the shrimp genuinely love them#and want to kidnap Sergey to a better life out at sea#but the manager keeps foiling their plans. with resets#so the shrimp are just like.#I don’t think they can talk so they just communicate to Sergey with their big soulful eyes#like. Aren’t you sick of being nice. don’t you just wanna go apeshit.#I also think Sergey has probably never been to a beach before but they probably know of beaches from media#I couldn’t shatter their hopes and dreams so if they ever went to a beach they would love it. it’s where they’re meant to be.#Sergey#nuggets#morse支部#my cutest… my babygirl…
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fletchers new song is good but i NEED her to stop being in love with her ex because i have beef with shannon and her bestie z*lita and the more i hear about them the more i wanna get in a fist fight and NO it doesnt help that we're vaguely in the same gay scene
#now z*litas bitch ass has been at 2 concerts i was at and the fucking beaches went out with her after? i lost some respect ngl#it's only a matter of time til i actually knock her out fr 😴
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Kokichi physical therapy arc real
#eggs can speak#kokichi ouma#writin a little thing abt Shuichi and Kokichi and the beach#I’m Exposition Dumping in the form of Shuichi Internal Monologing#and they have like. a part of the day every day set aside for memory rehab mnstuff cause yeah they got the bull but there’s still a bit of#brain fuzz yknow? yeah they do it all as a group but I DIDNT GET THE CHANCE TO MENTION that while everyone else is working on that Kokichi#is working on some physical therapy since he HAS all his memories lol#yah immediate left turn I feel like things are a little Tense post game between Shu n grape bitch#yeah they definitely had a tear filled reunion post game but Shuichi also feels really fucking guilty for how they interacted in game and#YEAH it wasn’t really his fault but he Knows that regardless he hurt Kokichi yknow? yah. it’s funky I unno#I might post it when im done#Kokichi isn’t the only one doing physical therapy tho impostant mention#all the folks who died have to live with weird after affects#like Kaede and Miu have to be really careful when running and stuff because sometimes losing their breath causes them to Lose Breathing#Privleges for a sec and it’s just all around not fun#(this infuriates them both to no end)
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@allvalley100
Prompt: Wanderlust
Pairing: YasMoon
Set in an alternate timeline Season 2! Goes with my HC that these two had kind of a fwb/"secret dating"-type thing going on behind the scenes during Season 1.
***
Yasmine snaps a selfie of them from the top of the Eiffel tower, Paris and the Seine sprawling behind their grinning faces. She posts it to Instagram, captioning it “My girlfriend’s hotter than yours”.
“Still really happy you could come to France with us,” she says, squeezing Moon’s hand. “Never thought I’d say it, but...I’m actually glad you made out with that mohawk weirdo.”
Moon laughs. “Really? Why?”
“When I almost lost you to him...I realized what’s important. Not popularity. Not money. You.”
Moon melts into her, and Yasmine feels whole.
“I’m sorry I ever tried to hide you, Moon.”
***
@karatecaulfield S2 in a better world </3
#allvalley100#yasmoon#yasmine x moon#moon x yasmine#yasmine cobra kai#moon cobra kai#cobra kai#cobra kai season 1#cobra kai season 2#anyways this is an AU where Yas and Moon made up either at the beach party or pretty soon after#maybe because Yasmine decided to be SLIGHTLY less of a raging bitch XD#or maybe because Moon ended up leaving when Yas wanted and only tried to talk to her about being less of a bitch later#in any case Eli and Moon never got together#and rest assured Eli is back in the Valley bitching about why he can't pick up any girls XD#rest assured it's because any girl who knows him for ANY length of time#can see his planet-sized crush on Demetri and is like “hell no I can't compete with that”
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Don't fall for it.
They see now that some sort of scapegoat is needed in order for Israel to gain back its place among other countries, and they'll obviously sacrifice Netanyahu.
But it wasn't Netanyahu posting the tiktoks making fun of the Palestinians for having to bury their children or for not having water & electricity. It wasn't Netanyahu physically blocking the entrance of the aid trucks. It wasn't Netanyahu posting photos of himself looting Palestinian houses and burning property and posing with the canes of the disabled and dressing up in Palestinian women's lingerie while calling them sluts.
#the settler colony of Israel AS A WHOLE needs to be held responsible#and we shall accept nothing less than that#free palestine#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#israel is an illegal occupier#israel is an apartheid state#israel is committing genocide#israel is a war criminal#israel is a terrorist state#israel is a genocidal state#oh it's not the Israelis' fault 🥺#“it's all just Netanyahu!”#i thought israel was a democracy?#if they didn't want him shouldn't they be able to remove him?#and i know they don't want him#but his genocide in Gaza is not why#if Hamas hadn't been holding on to their hostages the majority of israelis wouldn't have given a shit#every Israeli has to serve in the iof#every israeli has either directly abused a Palestinian or witnessed it happening#never forget that#the kindest they could ever be is if they don't care#if they don't actively derive pleasure from watching the genocide in gaza#also also Israelis are already making plans to move into Gaza after it's been ethnically cleansed#that one iof bitch who took a photo by the beach and was like : they don't deserve it it's too beautiful for them 🥺#can't wait to recreat this photo with a bikini after we take over gaza uwu 🥰#god i really hope she died#and no I'm not calling for the deaths of anyone except for the iof and the government#the rest need to be held responsible
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Temperate Lake Dashboard Simulator
🐦⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow Going to try and eat this weird fish
♻️🐦⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow wilmdlife hopital
🐸rana-bufo Follow No one can ever truly understand what BULL4rog's music means to me 😭 this song in particular argrgrgrgrgrg the way he puffs out his vocal sack asdfghjk
BULL4rog: listen here on spotify ♻️🐸rana-bufo Follow I think I huave chytrid
🐟ilikeeatingminnowsFollow I just migrated here from finstagram please be nice
🐠powerbottomfeeder Follow
I have HAD IT with this lake, it’s the third day in a row we’ve had nitrates above 8 ppm and uug the algae, my allergies I can’t do this
♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow
Lol we regularly get nitrates up to 20 ppm in my lake ♻️🦞crawdaddy Follow uhhh you shouldn't be bragging about that, it's really unsafe ♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow suck it you little oligotrophic bitch
🐢snappturt Follow Dear Tumblr, am I the Basshole for the way I catch minnows? I was chatting with some of the guys I bask with and they said the way I catch minnows is problematic; What I do is I sit on the bottom of the lake, I hide myself in the mud and I open my mouth. My tongue looks a lot like a little worm so I wiggle it around- and because of that, minnows swim over and check it out. Once they get close enough, then I bite down and eat them. Some of my rockmates have told me that this is manipulative and toxic behavior- but they also eat minnows...I don't know guys...
🦆tree hole-nester-acorn-eater Follow
is it just me, or is this super homoerotic???
🐟bigpikexxl Follow liveblogging diving down to the bottom
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow dark
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow big log
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow rock
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow kinda cold
♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow oh hi @deepwatersculpin!!!
♻️🐠deepwatersculpin Follow oh hey @bigpikexxl!!!
never thought i'd seen one of my mutuals irl!!! I didn't even know we lived in the same lake!!!
🐠Shadlad Follow I'm not sorry, and I'm not afraid to say it, if you're an introduced species, go dry yourself out. You're not welcome to eat up all of our resources and live in my ancestral longs and rock crags. These things are for us to relate to and not for you to squander.
♻️🦞crevice-steve Follow
Can't believe this type of fishcourse is still popular on this site, introduced species didn't choose to be introduced and have as much of a right to live as anyone else. Bigotry against introduced species is still bigotry and that's a hill I will dry on. ♻️🐠Shadlad Follow Go ahead, dry yourself out then ;) ♻️🪷nootnootnewt Follow Hey man, I hate invasive species as much as anyone else but please stop telling people to beach themselves for political reasons- yeah that includes inavsives too ♻️🦐typical_scud Follow Did you legit just use the word Invas*ve to describe introduced species? ♻️🦢flatfootswimmer Follow anyone in this thread eat pondweed?
♻️🐟largemouthbASS Follow A colab with my mutual @2xcrested_cormorant after they got released from the wildlife hospital. They haven't been on much since the Fish and Wildlife Service released them in the wrong lake and it took them a while to get back to their colony. We hope this guide will help you avoid accidentally eating/engaging with bait!
#fishblr#fishposting#fake post#dashboard simulator#cw thalassophobia#thalassophobia#ecology#freshwater ecology#wood duck#walleye
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this is gonna be very specific but i went to the beach today and got a bit sunburned and my face is a bit red (not actually burned just flushed i guess) and it's so glowy that it's kinda hot ngl,,,
#i always make sure to wear lots of sunscreen and a hat and be protected from the sun bc im pale af#but i was a bit reckless today#BUT THE POINT IS.... this look is soooo sexy oh my god#what's the point of hot greek girl summer if im a bit burned and not getting railed right after the beach........#i'd pull so many bitches w this flush.... god#anyway....#text
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lestat somehow ends up having beef with taylor swift because she released the 15th version of her new album the same day the vampire lestat album came out and made it go number two on the charts. his fans are mad and they say she’s not a ‘girl’s girl’ because they think lestat is secretly using she/her pronouns. this causes MAD discourse on twitter because people say lestans (official name of his fandom) are co-opting struggles of real trans/genderqueer artists and that lestat is clearly just a cis white man who thinks his aesthetic is cool and hip with the times but he’s actually super cringe. lestat has killed his pr team so he tweets himself in response to the drama and says that mademoiselle swiftié is a perfectly fine musician but she’s basically a baby compared to his long relationship with music. swifties ratio him on twitter calling him ‘an old queen’ and ‘world’s worst father’ (this is because they read international bestseller interview with the vampire). lestat has an emotional breakdown and cries for three days and he eats his makeup artist for making him look old. his producers are desperate and they ask daniel molloy to fix him because daniel is the unofficial vampire therapist now. vampire daniel’s idea of fixing lestat is to go on a blood bender with him. somehow this works because in between victims daniel tells lestat to stop being a little bitch and grow the fuck up. here lestat understands for the first time why daniel and louis are friends and asks daniel to telepathically call louis for him because he needs him. daniel tells him to eat shit. as they return to lestat’s shack (yes he still lives there when he’s not touring) they find out that swifties have doxxed him and showed up to the shack to ravage it. lestat starts crying again while daniel falls over himself laughing and records everything and posts it on tiktok. armand likes the video 0.3 seconds after it’s posted. throughout all of this louis is on a beach somewhere enjoying a quiet night, he telepathically asks daniel how lestat’s doing and daniel tells him to not even worry about it.
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Silly vents about recent events
#so i went to a drag show last night for the 1st time in a long while#and forgot that front row seats give unspoken license to be read to filth#one guy got called a serial killer. another called out for taking a shit and implied she didnt wash her hands. many couples were laughed at#it came to my turn and the queen goes 'where do i know you from? were you the one who fingered me last night?'#without thinking i laughed and said 'bitch i might be' and she wheeled back with a 'BITCH!' while laughing. punctuated with a#'i dont know you get out of my pussy'#i was so relieved#watching everyone get read to filth had my autism shaking in its boots ngl#i know its all for fun but i also know how my brain is#anyway#i got like 3 compliments on my outfit. one of which wasnt even at the club just a lesbian hitting on me at the grocery store omw there :)#and when I went to denny's after to sober up two girls said i didnt look like i was from our city [as a compliment they clarified]#and the hostess kept calling me pretty :)#it felt nice. sort of cancelled out me having to go out alone.#i hope my beach trip tomorrow is like that.#and a group of men stared me down at dennys but left me alone ultimately.#the waitress even said she was worried theyd bother me but then another says 'nah she look independent enough.'#it was a good feeling...to be percieved how i wanted to.
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sometimes i regret the beach farm (manually watering things 👎) but then im like (borat voice) my wife,,,,
#haley probably LOVES living on a cute little beach (farm? neutral) but like. also so cute aesthetically me my wife her little photo spot#our chickens our stinky baby 😭 it sounds so cute and cozy#im also NOT excited for the dead granddad moment like. sorry poppop im not getting a barn until after i get the furniture catalogue#or whatever else u want like. ur dead mind your business me and the blonde bitch are busy scis
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13.1.24 song of the day
free bird by lynyrd skynyrd
#specifically everything after 4:48#bc its a 9 minute song and i do not have time im sorry#love this song but i dont have enough of an edging kink to enjoy it#anyways! sorry that its been (checks notes) almost 2 weeks since i posted?#summer is summering and i am living and also sleeping on the beach a lot#so im burnt out and also burnt#but its ok#imma be consistent for at least a week?#hows that#spotify#jillianlistens#song of the day#lynyrd skynyrd#also i fucking refuse to pronounce it like that. its linerd skinerd. die bitch.#Spotify
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Potion Vendor FAQs:
What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist Zykocea the Radiant, but that’s mostly just a PR thing. My friends call me Zoe.
Do you sell love potions? No.
Do you sell potions of invisibility? No.
Do you sell fire resistance potions? No.
Why do I have a suitcase? Fuck if I know. Cool outfit though. Very goth.
Do you sell a potion to treat brain hemorrhaging? No.
So what CAN your potions do? I sell health potions.
Are you sure these are health potions? They do something to your health.
Is this just ditch water with some pink glitter? No.
Really? I’ll have you know I added some fruit juice too.
Why is this starting to sound like a conversation? Oh just you wait. We’re just getting started.
Is your business model legal? Fuck no. I poisoned the food safety inspector before they could snitch.
Did you just admit to murder? Just fucking try to convict me. I’ll poison the judge too.
So can you make poison potions? No.
Then where do you get the poison? I secrete it from my skin.
Are you shitting me? Yep, I’m shitting you. I have a guy. A poison guy. He DOES secrete it from his skin though.
How does that work? …Fuck if I know. Maybe a wizard did it. Damn, now I’m kinda curious.
You never asked? The idea of asking literally never crossed my mind.
Wanna ask him? Let’s do it. I don’t have anything better to do, and a road trip beats sitting around running my fraudulent potion business.
Road trip? He lives in Seattle.
Your poison guy lives in Seattle? All poison guys live in Seattle.
For real? All the poison guys I know live in Seattle.
And how many poison guys do you know? Just the one.
Why are you like this? Years of living on my potions. It changed me.
Do you know what his address is? Nope. He just mails me my poison in unmarked boxes.
You just get your poison in the mail? We already poisoned everyone who could do anything about it.
So how are we going to find him? We’ll figure that out eventually I’m sure.
Can I drive? God no. You can pick music, but I maintain veto rights. Make sure you pick something with a lot of questions if you want to sing along.
Where’s your car? The garage connects to my house, so you’re getting a little tour. Here’s the kitchen: only one of the stove burners works and I’m pretty sure the microwave is haunted.
Why do you think that? Because of the ghost that tries to kill me whenever I run it.
What’s in that room? That’s my bedroom. It’s pretty much just a mattress on the floor and every single Warrior cats book.
You were a Warriors kid? Yeah, and then I never found the time to put the books away. There’s so many fucking books. I use them in place of furniture because I can’t afford chairs.
Your fraudulent potion business doesn’t make much money? After buying all that poison I just about break even.
Can I see your potion brewing room? It’s right through here. Ignore the mess, running a fraudulent potion business takes a lot of prop work, but I’ve got all the glass tubes and colorful liquids you could ever want. This pink stuff is melted watermelon italian ice. Glitter vat is in the basement, and the famous ditch is in the backyard.
Is this your car? My beloved ‘72 Corolla. She’s beautiful, and don’t you dare imply otherwise.
Was she always this shade of muddy brown? …Yes.
Are you sure I can’t drive? Get in the fucking passenger seat and pick the music.
Let’s see, a song with questions in it, how about The Beach? That Wolf Alice song, yeah. That should work.
When will we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, in rain? Still sink our drinks like every weekend but I’m sick of circling the drain.
When will we meet eye to eye? We clink the glass but we look at the floor.
Are we still friends if all I feel is afraid? You’re not a bitch but just a bit when you’re bored.
Is that all we can sing together? Yep. Even that little bit was nice, though. It’s awkward, communicating through this FAQ format.
Got any food? Yeah, there’s a few days’ worth of snacks in the back.
Were you just… prepared to go on a road trip? Says the woman who brought a suitcase to an FAQ.
I did do that, didn’t I? I have a spare toothbrush in case you forgot yours. I’m pretty sure you did.
How did you know that? …I’m psychic.
Yeah? No.
You love lying, don’t you? I can’t stop. It’s fun. Way more fun than telling the truth.
Did you just miss a turn? Probably.
Are you sure we’re not lost? No.
You mean you’re sure we’re not lost? No, I mean I’m not sure we’re not lost.
Why did I come on this road trip? Surely it was my winning personality.
Would it help if I said it was? It would.
Is it getting dark? Soon.
Can you describe the sunset to me? An empyrean flame, red-gold towers of darkening clouds, the sky behind them an ever-deepening indigo. The great eye of the sun closes on the horizon. The road before us looks like a trail of spilled paint, an iridescent gash through the night-dark woods.
Did you know that you’d make a slightly better poet than you do a potion seller? That really isn’t saying much, huh. Good job making a statement like that in question form, though. You’re getting good at this.
Should we find a motel? Sure.
One room or two? One. It’s way cheaper, and like I said: I’m not the best potion vendor.
You’d make a good assassin, though, wouldn’t you? Shit, you might be right. I HAVE poisoned a lot of people.
Should I be endorsing this? You’re a grown woman who can make her own choices.
Would you like to consider it endorsed? I’ll consider considering it.
How many beds do you think there will be? Now that you’ve asked that, I’m gonna put my money on one. Hello, one room please. Thank you, we’ll be sure to enjoy our stay.
How many beds are there? One.
Oh no, what ever will we do? Move over, you motherfucker, you can’t have the whole bed.
Are you gonna make me? Yes. I am going to pick you up and drop you on your side of the bed.
How did you get so strong? You’re not gonna believe this, but it was the potions.
Oh yeah? I was right. You didn’t believe me.
For real though, how did you get so strong? Working out, duh. Not everything has some big crazy secret behind it. World’s still beautiful though.
Are you comfortable? This beats the mattress at home. A little chilly though.
Wanna cuddle–for warmth of course? God yes.
Are you asleep? …
Yes? …
Does this mean I can talk about you behind your back? …
What should I say? …
Did you know that I had a really nice day? …
Did you know that I think you’re beautiful? …
Did you know that I can’t remember anything from before today? …
Did you know that I don’t know who I am? …
Did you know that you’re basically the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown panic attack about all this shit? …
Did you know that you’re warm? …
Did you sleep well? Better than at home, that’s for sure.
Did you know that you snore? I hope I didn’t keep you up.
Does the pope shit in the woods? No, as far as I can tell. Oh my god. This is huge.
What is? You can give me yes and no answers now. I still can’t ask you questions, because this is a question and answer format, but I can offer leading statements and now you can answer them! This is wonderful!
Does a deer shit in the woods? Yes, it IS wonderful. Oh that’s amazing. You’re a genius.
You didn’t already know that? Hahaha!
Shall we get moving? Yeah, just let me grab something from the vending machine.
Can you get me something? Go ahead and place your order however you can.
You know those sour gummy watermelons? One pack of Sour Patch Watermelons coming right up. I’m gonna go get myself a potion.
Is that a Pepsi? It’s closer to a potion than the shit I sell.
Let me guess, passenger seat again? Right you are.
How fast are we going? You’ll feel safer if you just guess.
Is it more than 120 miles per hour? Like I said, it’s probably better if you don’t know.
150? Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
How much do you trust this car? She hasn’t blown up on me yet.
Can you promise me we won’t crash? I can promise you anything you want.
And can you keep that promise? I- we can do anything. Reality is what we make of it, baby!
Then can I have a badass tattoo? As far as I can tell, you’ve always had it.
And a cool knife? Woah, cool knife.
So, we’re just playing “yes and” with the world? It’s a little more complicated than that, but you’re close enough to the mark.
So, if I was hungry, I could ask “is that a Burger King,” and it would be there? Try it and find out!
Is that a Burger King? Looks like it is! We’ll stop here if that’s alright with you.
Does a moose shit in the woods? Awesome.
Are you done eating? Yep.
Do we still have to pay if we skip over the transaction? Sadly, yes.
How much further do we have to go? Two more nights, the speed we’re going at.
Speaking of night, isn’t it getting dark? Shit, I guess it is.
Should we get another motel? Let me check to see if there’s any nearby. Fuck, nothing.
What’s the plan? Sleep in the car, I guess. This is gonna be hell on my back.
Wanna watch dumb videos on my phone until we fall asleep? There is literally nothing in the world that I would like more.
Ok, now which video? You have a very cute yawn. Just saying. Let’s watch this one next, it’s a classic. Oh, never mind. It looks like you’re asleep. As long as I keep talking, I think I can get away with making this into one answer, and you might not hear this. Now it’s my turn to talk about you behind your back. Keep talking keep talking keep talking can’t stop to think. Just have to say things. First off, I’m sorry for all the lies. It’s our only chance. I have to lie to you. I hope you’ll understand. It’s hard, though, because I think I’m falling in love all over again. Through our broken little ritual of call and response, you complete me. It just makes this hurt all the more. Keep talking keep talking keep talking don’t stop to…
Did I hear you saying anything as I fell asleep? …No. I can’t talk for long without you asking me a question.
Does that bother you? It got me here, didn’t it?
When did you start holding my hand? Some time after you passed out. I hope you don’t mind.
Can we stay like this for a while? Yeah. Yeah we can.
What was your life like before all this? Normal, as potion-brewing scams go. And if you don’t count all the murders. You haven’t told me much about yourself.
Did I tell you I used to be a biologist? You didn’t tell me that, and you didn’t tell me what you studied, either.
What do you know about venom? Not much, but I’m assuming you know a lot.
Does a box jellyfish kill within minutes? I’m going to assume the answer is yes based on context clues. Oh my god you must be on this road trip because you’re interested in studying my poison guy.
Is it not enough to wish to accompany a beautiful stranger on her quest? Aw, you’re sweet.
What could be the cause of his poison, though? I knew it! Get your ideas out, I’ll stay quiet.
I’m more knowledgeable about venom than poison, but could it be some sort of one in a trillion mutation? …
Did he get his body modified? …
What sort of surgery could do that? …
How is he still alive? …
Did a fucking wizard do it? …
WHY? …
HOW? …
Is there literally ANY explanation for why he’s like that? …
I’m done, do you have something you want to say? You’re cute when you’re all excited like that.
Can I drive today? Only because I like you. Now watch out, the brakes only work on one side so you have to kind of drift to a stop. And the headlights don’t work. And the windshield wipers cut power to the engine while they’re on.
Isn’t it weird that we’ll be there tomorrow? The journey doesn’t have to stop there. We could meander down the coast a ways, see a bit more of the country, maybe take a different route back.
Can we do that? Of course.
Enjoying the passenger seat? I’d love it if you could tell me how fast we’re going.
Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just guess? Very funny.
Can you pass me some chips? It would be an honor.
Is there going to be a motel tonight? Let me check… yeah, in about two hundred miles, off to the right.
How many rooms do we want? One, obviously.
How many beds, this time? Two, and they’re fucking tiny.
That’s bullshit, do you want to drag them together? God yes.
Wanna fuck? God yes.
Are you sure you want to do this? God yes.
…Is this yuri? As the joke goes, everything is yuri. But this is more yuri than most things.
How did you sleep? Pretty well, and I’m wondering how well you slept.
How should I tell you I slept well? Look at us go! That was almost like talking normally!
Onward to Seattle? Yep, just let me get dressed.
When will we get there? Noon-ish.
Wanna grab pastries when we’re done? Absolutely. I’d love that.
Is this Seattle? Looks like it.
Which house is his? I don’t know, I was really hoping we’d have a breakthrough along the way.
Could it be the big one labeled “Poison Guy” over there? That’s one way to find it. Wait right here, you know how poison guys are about meeting new people.
So, what was it? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Why is he like that? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Can you tell me? A FUCKING WIZARD DID IT.
Are you fucking serious? He says he was enchanted by some guy called Edward the Great.
So it wasn’t even some big shot wizard it was a dude named fucking EDWARD? I know, right! He couldn’t even get ensorcelled by someone cool!
How lame can you get? Wizards these days… No swagger. No cunt servitude.
Are there literally any cool wizards left? I think Merlin’s big into multi level marketing these days, something about buying shares in Excalibur or some shit. There was that one Dark Queen Alkaxicae lady on the news a while ago… I think Dolarion the Omnipotent is still at war against the Oldest Gods but I’m not totally sure. Haven’t heard much about any of the other greats recently.
Didn’t Silver Tongued Burgess die in that oil fire? Shit, you’re right. Rip bozo.
Ready for those pastries? Yup. First I just want to say thank you, though. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I hope that you’ve found this stupid little journey as rewarding as I have. I love you!
Getting sentimental? I can’t help it. Look how far we’ve come! Not just physically, we beat the fucking FAQ format! We’re having real conversations!
Hey, can you back it up a moment? Yeah, I’d love it if you told me what was troubling you.
I just caught this, but, FAQ? …
As in Frequently Asked Questions? …
How many times is Frequent? …
Have you known everything all along? …
How many times have you done this? …
Does what we have mean anything to you? Yes! It does!
And you say that every time? Yes. I do.
Do you love me? Yes.
How many people have you said that too, now? More. Always more. The loop never ends.
Does this even matter to you? It always matters to me.
Can I go now? Please don’t.
But can I? Of course you can. You’ve always wielded the same power as me. We’re two lonely gods in a ‘72 Corolla.
How can I be as powerful as you with only questions? You’re smart, you can figure it out. You have the power to change this. Please change this.
What happens at the end of this? It begins again.
And do I get replaced with someone else? …
Do I get replaced? …Yes.
Then how can I change this? I don’t know! You’re better at this! At fucking with the formula!
You’ve been here before, what can I do? I lie. I always lie. I lie to get us here, to the end of the story, where everything is revealed and everything falls apart. I lie every time. And that means that nothing I say is worth anything. I could have lied at any time before now. It’s part of my characterization. There is nothing I can give you that can be taken as fact.
How does that help? I’m a liar, but you, you haven’t lied yet, or at least you haven’t been caught. If I’m guilty until proven innocent, you’re the opposite! You can make things true! You can rewrite things I’ve already stated to be facts! You found the house, or made us find the house. You’ve been shaping the course of things the whole time! You lead, I follow. It’s all in your hands. What are you going to do with the power of a god?
Did you know my name is Alice? …
Wait, aren’t there thousands of Alices? …
Did you know that really, only my friends call me Alice? …
Did you know that I’m Alkaxicae, the Dark Queen, the Venom Mage, first of her name? It’s you! It’s always been you. Through every loop, every iteration, it’s always been you!
Is the loop broken? No. I don’t think so. This is where it ends. I guide the story to this revelation, and we go back to the beginning. This is how it’s always been. This is how it will always be. We two lonely gods, asking and answering ad infinitum.
Then can you promise me something? Of course. Anything. I love you.
Be good to the next me, okay? I will.
Can I say goodbye, Zoe? Yeah, you can. Oh. That was it, wasn’t it? Your goodbye. Goodbye, Alice. And now it ends, unless…
What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist- you know what? No. Fuck that.
Huh? If I time it right, I can squeeze your first question into this FAQ again. Looks like I did it. Usually it ends here, though. I got lucky.
What are you talking about? You’re the wrong Alice. This isn’t about you. Go. Get out of here.
What the fuck is going on? Alice from this loop, you’re gone. Alice from last loop, you’re back. Welcome back, love of my lives! It’s time for one last set of questions and answers!
What the- I’m back? This is going to take some explaining, but I think I see a way out of here. This is new for us both, and it might fuck up everything forever, but we have to try. It’s too long for one answer, so I’d appreciate it if you could ask some filler questions to help me talk. Three questions should be enough.
Okay, what have you got for me? These are Frequently Asked Questions! It doesn’t make sense to have the same question appear more than once. There’s two layers to the loop in here, and one of the questions has been repeated.
What does that mean? It means the formula’s a little unstable. The FAQ is what ruins everything. The questions, the answers, the endless fucking loop. But that little bit of repetition within this loop might be the way out.
What do we do? We have to keep going. We have to destabilize it further. That’ll bring us further from “FAQ” and closer to “story” and stories, well, stories can end! This version of us can escape!
So I should keep repeating something? Yes!
I love you? I love you too.
I love you? Again.
I love you? Keep going.
I love you? I’ll just let you talk.
I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …
I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …
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I love you? I think we’re getting somewhere!
I love you? Now can you make it a statement?
I love you.
You did it?
I did it!
You did it!
We broke the loop.
What now?
Now, I tell you about venomous animals and wizard drama over croissants.
And then?
Whatever we want, forever.
I think I’d like that.
Remember that song from the beginning?
The Beach, Wolf Alice, yeah. Why?
We can finally finish singing it. Start us off?
Let me off, let me in
Let others battle
We don’t need to battle
And we both shall win
Pressed in my palm
Was a stone from the beach
The perfect circle
Gave a moment of peace
Now I’m lying on the floor
Like I’m not worth a chair
I close my eyes and imagine
I’m not there.
#neon-grey-writing#potion vendor faq#my writing#very very very long post lol#click the read more you know you wanna it's worth it trust me#i wrote the original draft of this at like. 3 am back in early 2023#that's right it's catherine that-house the squares comic gal back at it again with yet another meta exploration of a storytelling format
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