#i know its all for fun but i also know how my brain is
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I've been having crazy Stancest brain rot thinking about an AU where they don't have the portal incident and instead have crazy marathon hate sex instead (Inspired by some amazing art by @CoreArde on Twitter) and I thought it'd be fun to share that with you.
They start off arguing in the lab and then oops they're fucking on the lab floor, and they really should be thinking this through but nope now they're upstairs fucking on the kitchen table and okay maybe now they'll finally talk about it nah, they're fucking in Ford's bed now.
It starts off as rough hate sex getting out years of frustration, but by the time they make it to the kitchen its become insanely desperate and cloying because they missed each other, and their bodies fit so well together, and GOD how could they have not been doing this all time? They're going at it so long that they basically end up passed out in Ford's bed by the end, and Stan's not going to be sitting down for a while after this. He's probably just happy to be sleeping in a bed, but Ford is trying to figure out how he got so far from the initial plan.
Even better if the two of them have been harboring feelings for years and never acted on it, because they get the one-two punch of all the weight of their time apart and processing the fact that OH GOD I JUST FUCKED MY BROTHER (which of course they both wanted to do but still).
I have no idea what would happen after that, but both of them waking up sore, sweat soaked, sticky with cum (some still inside Stan because of course Ford didn't use a condom this wasn't supposed to happen) after having gone at each other like rabbits in heat despite never having expressed their attraction to each other before is a hilarious and hot idea to me. What do you think?
HI THERE ANON. i am so fucking sorry that i left you waiting for so long about this, but i need you to know it's because i was FUCKING OBSESSED with this. like just absolutely beside myself over it, and i refused to respond until i had a chance to sit down and respond PROPERLY.
cause uh YEAH FRIEND i know the exact fucking piece of art (explicit) you're talking about, because it's INCREDIBLE. and in case you didn't know, the artist is over here too and shares some fucking fantastic writing and headcanons also! (seriously, go check out @/cartoonsinthemorning if you haven't. and cart, i hope you don't mind that anon and i both kinda lost our minds about your art over here! i genuinely have no idea what tag etiquette is on this site and didn't wanna bombard you, but you did this. again.)
i'll be honest, anon, this kinda got away from me (fucking shocker) and i am too tired to do any legit editing of it right now, so please forgive any typos or weirdness! i'll try and clean it up before it eventually goes up on ao3. but thank you for such a LOVELY ask because this was so hot, and so inspiring, and i hope i did a little justice to your idea and cart's gorgeous art!
--- Ford isn't entirely sure how it had started. His memory, his perception of time, his ability to follow a linear order of events -- all if it is less than reliable at the moment, so he can't entirely blame himself for losing track of things here and there. But the jump between trying to wrestle his journal out of Stan's hands to trying to wrestle Stan out of his dingey jeans is a jarring transition to lose in the dull static that's been edging around his awareness for weeks now.
Not jarring enough to stop him, though.
He thinks, vaguely, while he's blindly tugging at Stan's denim, that there's a concerningly high likelihood that he's hallucinating. His head is swimming in so much caffeine and adrenaline that he doesn't even feel the rough concrete of the lab floor under his knees -- maybe that isn't where he is? Maybe he'd nodded off without realizing. Maybe he's going to come to with another lapful of polaroids and a new humiliating tattoo.
Maybe, maybe, maybe -- he can reckon with a probability model later. For the first time in what feels like months, the stability of his perceived reality is not actually at the forefront of Ford's mind.
Pressing in on him harder than the doubt, harder than the disassociation from his physical body, and harder than the threat of the creature lingering in the depths of his subconscious is anger. It feels like a beacon in the muddled, fuzzy mess inside his head, something bright and real and his. It's searing through him, slicing away all the frayed edges of his paranoia and doubt like a hot blade through so much butter.
Ford clings to the sharp edges of that anger and feels more alert than he has in weeks.
He can't remember how their bickering had taken this particular turn, but if he's liable to lose his eyes and his life in the next few days, Ford will be fucking damned if he squanders the opportunity. He knows he's made a mess of things, that he's made the sorts of mistakes that can't and frankly shouldn't be forgiven.
But he also knows with blinding, white hot certainty that he's only here, now, because of Stan's mistakes.
Ford may not deserve absolution, but he does deserves this.
Laughter cuts through the lab, rough and mocking, and Ford's attention finally falls, properly, on Stan. He has a bruise blooming on his cheek and a snide smirk twisting his lips. He's also on his back, his jeans and a threadbare pair of boxers bunched in Ford's fists and pulled so low he can see the tight curls of his pubic hair and the root of his cock.
"What's wrong, Poindexter?" Stan asks, mocking, and it's only then that Ford realizes he's paused halfway through stripping his twin's lower half. The bite of the cold concrete under his knees still feels far away, but the rough material in his palms, and the heat of Stan's body so close to him are sharp, clear details. "No hands on experience with a dick that ain't your own? Afraid you might actually be bad at somethin' for once?"
Ford narrows his eyes, feeling the hot point of anger cutting through him, steadying him, and he jerks Stan's clothes hard enough that he gets the material past his knees in one tug. Stan laughs at him again, but it stutters into a little 'oof!' when Ford flips him onto his stomach.
He doesn't care that Stan's pants are still caught around his calves and his boots. He doesn't care that Stan hisses something that sounds like pain when he's yanked onto his knees and dragged backwards several inches across the concrete. He doesn't even care that, once upon a time, he'd dreamed of this, of crossing this line with the only person he'd ever really loved in any way that mattered, and it's nothing like the softer, sweeter picture he used to imagine.
Stan's hips are soft, and the skin gives easily under the iron grip Ford has on them, holding him in place as he grinds against his ass. Even through his slacks, the heat of Stan's body is intense, addictive, and he grinds forward again, harder, watching the friction rub a pink patch against his skin.
Stan, shameless and selfish as always, pushes eagerly back against him. Ford has barely done anything beyond rocking the outline of his cock against his hole, but he can hear Stan panting against the ground, can see his hands curling into fists. He remembers how many times Stan had called Carla McCorkle "easy" in high school and thinks, now, that the easy one had been his brother.
"You gonna keep humpin' me, or are you gonna fuck me?" Stan demands, rocking as firmly back as he can with the bruising grip Ford has on him.
"What makes you think you deserve that?" Ford bites out. It would serve Stan right, he thinks, if he got himself off exactly like this, no different than grinding against a particularly firm couch pillow. Just a conveniently warm object for Ford to release some tension with.
Stan looks back over his shoulder and flashes teeth at him. It isn't a smile. "Oh, I get it. Cold feet? Well, we can just chalk it up to one more thing ya promised and then backed out of as soon as you actually had to make a choice. Good to know some things never change, Stanford."
He's being goaded, and Ford knows that. But the anger boils in his chest, and he thinks, why should he care about what Stan does or doesn't deserve from him? This is about what Ford deserves.
And what Ford deserves is to have his dick so far up Stan's ass he'll be able to feel it in the back of his throat.
"Do you ever shut up?" he snaps while he releases one of Stan's hips to yank his slacks open. The bruise of his fingerprints already forming against Stan's skin thrills him, almost to distraction, if it weren't for Stan laughing again.
"'Course not," he says, shifting his center of balance to dig into the pocket of his dirty red coat. The little packet he tosses over his shoulder bounces off his own ass to land by Ford's knee, the word LUBE printed in large, bold letters across the front. He should be surprised to see it, and part of him is. The word "easy" comes to mind again.
Ford rips the packet open with his teeth.
"F-Fuck!" Stan curses, turning his forehead against the ground when Ford presses his slick cock into him a moment later without warning.
Ford grabs him roughly by the waist when he twitches forward and yanks Stan back until his ass hits the open fly of his slacks. He makes a choked sound at that and turns his face into the crook of his own arm when Ford pulls back and rocks hard back into him.
"What's wrong, Stanley?" he parrots. He pistons his hips at a punishing pace, watching his cock pumping in and out of the greedy, grasping ring of Stan's hole. "Nothing to say?"
Stan makes a noise that's too muffled by the sleeve of his coat to understand, so Ford reaches down to take a fistful of his stupid mullet instead. The hitching gasp that escapes his twin when his head is forcefully jerked up makes him groan. "What was that? Come on, Stanley, use your words."
"F-Fuck off," Stan says, his voice strained, almost whining.
"I see you haven't gotten anymore eloquent since you left," Ford scoffs around the breathlessness in his own voice, feeling the anger and pleasure coiling harder in his gut. "What was it you said? Good to know some things never change."
When he pulls Stan's hair again, just because he can, Stan moans. And when he shifts his hips, driving in just as hard at the new angle, Stan shouts. With his own knees bracketed on either side of his, Ford can feel the way his thighs tremble when he clenches around his cock, and he can feel the sweat beading up under his palm where he's digging darker bruises into Stan's side.
Ford feels like he's on the edge of delirium again, consumed by every sound Stan makes, every twitch of his hips, every ounce of his heat. He thinks, a bit wildly, that Stan may have been made for this, made to take his cock, for how well he does.
It isn't until Stan jerks under him, going hot and tight around his cock and making a strangled noise in the back of his throat, that Ford realizes he may have said part of that out loud. That Stan came over it.
He groans low in his throat and thrusts half a dozen more times into Stan's clenching hole before he comes as well.
It's quiet for a few minutes other than their ragged panting, but it's Stan who eventually reaches back and swats at Ford's hand until he lets go of his hair. He takes the hint and pulls out, watching with no small amount of satisfaction as his come trickles down Stan's thighs. It strikes him suddenly that he wants to follow the wet trail back up with his tongue. It's enough to make his cock give a feeble, appreciative twitch.
He isn't sure if he's just terribly distracted or if he loses time again, because when Ford next lifts his head, Stan is on his feet, pants pulled up around his waist but still open, and he has his journal in hand. This might be more jarring than the last transition he'd lost.
"What are you doing?" he demands, shoving himself back onto his own feet. He doesn't bother to tuck his cock back in, and he spots the moment Stan's eyes flick down. It's brief, but he'd seen it.
"What does it fucking look like I'm doing? I'm taking your stupid diary and disappearing like you begged me to," Stan says. His voice is still a little raw, and Ford has a moment to realize how much he likes that, before the words catch up.
He scoffs. "Oh! So now you want to actually help?! Is it always this easy to fuck the sense into you?"
Stan's expression does a few things Ford doesn't understand before his brows ultimately slam down and he turns his back, storming towards the door with Ford's journal still in hand, and Ford himself hot on his heels. "You're fucking unbelievable, Stanford, you know that?!"
"Me?! You're the one who came all over my lab floor and then decided he was ready to be reasonable!"
Stan jams his thumb against the call button for the elevator several times in quick succession, despite the car already being on their floor and the gate sliding open. "Most people would just say thank you when someone agreed to help them out, but not you! What does Stanford Pines have to be grateful for? We're all just fucking lucky to get a task from ya, huh?"
Ford crowds into the elevator with him before Stan can try to pull the gate or call the doors shut behind him. He punches the button to take them up himself, before making a grab for the journal, snarling when Stan leans back and holds it up above his head.
"You're the one who threatened to destroy my work twenty minutes ago, Stanley! Why would I trust you with it now? Hell, I can't figure out why I trusted you enough to bring you here in the first place!"
"Oh really? You can't?" Stan sneers, leaning in close. And when Ford takes a step back, Stan follows, backing him into a corner of the car. "I don't think you fuckin' trusted me to do shit, Stanford. I think you were all outta options cause nobody else could stand to put up with you anymore."
Stan doesn't so much as hit a nerve as he takes a sledgehammer to it, and as soon as the elevator dings, Ford shoves him as hard as he can out into the study. Stan yelps when he stumbles, nearly tripping over his own feet, and it's only knocking into a cluttered desk that keeps him from falling on his ass.
Ford doesn't give him any time to right himself, storming in after him and grabbing him by the front of his jacket. Stan flinches, like he'ex expecting a punch, but Ford yanks him in and crushes his mouth against his instead.
There's a dull thump that Ford only realizes was the journal being dropped when he feels both of Stan's hands on his shoulders. They curl briefly, grasping at him, and Ford feels his mouth starting to go soft and slack. But as soon as he presses in, runs his tongue along that loosening seam, he's suddenly being shoved backwards.
If he weren't so damn confused, Ford would probably appreciate the picture Stan makes, lips slick and pants open, leaning back against one of Ford's desks.
"What are you doing?!" Stan demands, like he's the one who doesn't know what day it is, and keeps losing track of events.
"I would think even you could figure that out after what happened downstairs, Stanley."
Stan flushes, visible even in the low light of the study, though Ford isn't sure if it's embarrassment or anger. The scowl on his face doesn't help clear things up, either, though the fact that he isn't actually looking at Ford is...telling.
"That ain't happening again," Stan states, and there isn't anything convincing about the way he says it at all. But when Ford steps forward, Stan sidesteps him and the desk. He makes a wrong turn in the dark, in a house he isn't familiar with, and flinches when Ford flips on the light in the kitchen he's walked into.
"I don't know how you expect to leave and hide my journal after leaving it in the study," he points out, frowning at the back of Stan's head.
He isn't surprised when Stan whirls on him. He is, however, stunned still when he realizes Stan's eyes are wet.
"What the fuck do you want from me, Stanford?!" Stan shouts, his voice cracking over his name, and it makes something feel like it's cracking inside his chest.
Ford has to wet his lips when he finds them and his throat dry. "...I told you what I wanted," he says.
"Yeah, you did! And when I finally agreed to do it, you threw a fucking fit about it! And now you're pissy because I'm not?! What do you want?"
The anger sparks sharply inside him again, and Ford grasps at it like a lifeline, willing to bloody his hands for that bite of stability.
"You tried to burn it! My life's work! And you only decided you would help me after we--"
Stan cuts him off, looking towards the cabinets while he raises his voice and waves his hands. "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry about the fucking lighter, all right?!"
Ford frowns. He takes a step forward and, still without looking at him, Stan takes a step back. It's the elevator all over again, but this time Ford is pressing in, backing Stan into the cabinets. He grabs the counter on either side of his hips when he tries to side step him again.
"Stanley, look at me," he demands, frowning harder when Stan sets his jaw and stars determinedly at his shoulder. "Stanley--"
"What do you want, Ford? Just...just fucking tell me and I'll leave, all right?" Stan says, his voice tired and soft as he reaches up to rub a hand over his own face.
He wants a lot, honestly. And hasn't that always been the problem? He's always wanted -- to be normal, to be respected, to be the best, to be special.
To be wanted.
To be enough.
To fix things.
"You," he realizes, watching Stan jerk his head up. His lashes are still wet, and Ford can't stop himself from reaching up and pressing his palm to Stan's cheek, skimming his thumb gently under one of his eyes.
When he leans in to kiss him again, Stan makes a small, wounded little noise under his mouth, but he parts his lips for Ford's tongue this time. Stan's lips are chapped and he tastes vaguely of stale cigarettes, but Ford is still struck by how soft and sweet he is.
More than anything else that had happened that evening, this is the moment that Ford knows he should suspect most of all. The way Stan relaxes between him and the counter, the almost tentative way he lifts his tongue to meet his, the careful fingertips touching the edge of Ford's coat and brushing against his loose tie. It's tender in a way Ford didn't think either of them were capable of, and it should be setting off warning bells and red flags in every part of his mind.
It isn't.
Ford is more certain of the reality of this single moment, the gentle slip of Stan's lips against his own, than he's been of anything in a long time.
And then Stan sighs between them and murmurs, warm and hopeful, "Ford," against his lips, and he's done for.
It doesn't matter that they just fucked, that Ford's come is probably still drying between Stan's thighs -- he can't keep his hands off of him. Ford is suddenly frantic and desperate in a way that he hadn't been downstairs. He needs to relearn the new, wider shape of Stan's shoulders and pecs. He needs to feel out every new scar and take stock of all the old ones he remembers Stan collecting for him as kids. He needs to be surrounded by him again, soaking in the warmth of him.
Ford doesn't deserve absolution, but he thinks he may be able to find something close to it in the low, shaky way Stan moans his name.
And there's familiarity in the way Stan grabs at him in turn, tugging at his jacket and tie and surging into another, harder kiss. Ford thinks he may not be the only one looking for expiation.
Then Stan drops to his knees between him and the cabinet, and Ford stops thinking so much. His cock is still out, and Stan wastes no time in getting his fist around the shaft and his lips around the head. He suckles and swirls his tongue, and Ford shoves the beanie off of his head to get his hands in his hair.
"Stanley," he gasps, stroking his fingers along his scalp and fisting the strands between them.
Stan moans around him and shuffles closer, sliding the seal of his lips further down the length of Ford's cock. All he can do is groan and try to keep from rocking his hips as more of him is greeted by the warmth of his mouth and the wickedness of his tongue.
He keeps waiting for Stan to reach his limit, to back off and give himself room to breathe. He doesn't. He keeps leaning in, keeps taking him, and then Ford feels his cockhead slip into Stan's throat, sees his lashes are wet again, and he has to put one hand on the counter to keep himself steady. "Fuck, Stanley, you're so good at this."
Stan makes a horribly sweet sound around the girth of Ford's cock and reaches up to hold his hips as he swallows, and Ford is suddenly afraid he's going to embarass himself. His hips twitch despite his best efforts to keep them still, but Stan simply relaxes his jaw and his throat and tugs a little to encourage him to do it again. He does, of course, how could he not?
Despite the heat clawing its way through him and the pleasure mounting dangerously high, Ford almost feels outside of himself again. The picture Stan makes, with his eyes damp and heavy lidded, his lips wet and stretched around Ford's cock, his hair fisted in Ford's fingers and his own clinging to Ford's hips -- it's lewd, debauched, and so horribly sweet that it makes Ford's chest hurt.
Stan gasps raggedly when Ford pulls him off. "I was go-gonna...I mean you can--"
Ford kneels down to kiss him, tasting stale cigarettes and himself, cock throbbing over the rough state of Stan's voice. "Not done yet," he manages, before tugging Stan onto his feet.
They lose clothes and time on the journey upstairs, tripping over the steps and Ford's discarded pants, and stumbling into his wreck of a room. If Stan notices the state of things, he doesn't comment, mouth latched onto Ford's shoulder and hands all over his back and hips.
The back of Ford's legs hit the bed and he sits hard on the mattress. Stan doesn't hesitate to crawl up into his lap. He'd lost his boots in the kitchen and his jeans and boxers somewhere on the way to the stairs, giving him ample opportunity to rub his bare cock against Ford's.
Cursing, Ford rolls his hips and only belatedly remembers to reach up and tug the hideous red coat off of Stan's shoulders.
"Oh, fuck, hold on. I think I have another one," Stan says, panting softly as he digs into the pockets of his coat. Ford takes the opportunity to run his hands across Stan's thighs and ass, squeezing whatever skin he can until Stan makes a triumphant sound and pulls another little packet of lube free.
Only then does he let Ford toss his jacket aside and tug him further up the bed with him. He doesn't protest when Ford takes the packet from him, lowering his head to work open mouth kisses up Ford's throat instead, and he rolls his hips distractingly while Ford fights to get the damnable thing open. He ignores the snickering against his skin in the process.
It stops anyway, hitching into something warm and startled when Ford sinks two slick fingers into him.
"Oh, fuck," Stan breaths, reaching up to grab Ford by the shoulder, holding himself steady. "Y-You know you don't have to do that, right? Pretty loosened up already."
He is, to be fair. His hole is still soft and loose and fucked open. But Ford enjoys petting his fingers against the tender muscle and stroking them inside anyway. He likes watching Stan bite his lip and push himself back onto his hand. When he slides a third in after the first two, Stan's thighs tremble on either side of his own, and he makes a low, throaty sound.
When Ford curls his fingers just right, Stan yells and grips his shoulder hard enough to hurt, and it makes warm satisfaction curl in his middle. So he does it a few more times, alternating between spreading his fingers and rubbing the tips against Stan's prostate until he's squirming in his lap.
"I-I'm gonna come if you don't knock that sh-shit off," he gasps, slumping a bit when Ford chuckles and slides his fingers out.
"I think I'd like that," Ford says, squeezing his slick fingers against Stan's thigh.
He snorts and straightens back up, finding the discarded lube packet to squirt the remainder onto Ford's cock. "Yeah, I bet you fucking would," Stan agrees, but there's no malice in his voice, just warm amusement.
His fist is warm and wonderful when it curls around Ford's cock, spreading lube, and then Ford is being held steady, Stan adjusts himself on his scuffed knees, and there's nothing else to do but hold on as Stan lowers himself into his lap.
It feels as good as it had earlier to be inside of him, and Ford squeezes the thigh under his hand tightly, fighting against the need to buck his hips. Stan is panting softly, his head tilted back and a pretty, pink color is crawling up from under his t-shirt to flood his neck and face.
Ford groans and leans forward, finding a nipple through his thin shirt to get his teeth and tongue against.
"F-Ford!" Stan gasps, fumbling the hand not clawing at his shoulder up into his hair, and Ford sucks hard on the firm nub, rubbing spit-soaked cotton against it with his tongue until Stan rocks in his lap.
Fuck, he likes that, the way his name sounds in Stan's voice, especially warm and rough after fucking his throat earlier.
He squeezes Stan's thigh and his hip, giving him a little tug, and that's all the encouragement Stan needs before he's bouncing on his cock. Ford has that thought again -- that Stan was meant to be filled by him, that they're a perfectly matched set. But it isn't just feeling good and hot while Stan fucks himself in his lap. It's feeling like he's been missing something and he finally has it, like he's finally complete again.
He's missed this, Ford realizes.
Not the fucking his brother part. He'd fantasized about that for years but it still feels like a dream that it's happening, like something that's too good to be true.
But being able to put his arms around him? To be this close to him again?
Ford rocks his hips up, hard, and Stan says his name. He wraps his fingers around Stan's cock, and he gasps his name. He bites the same swollen, pink nipple through his shirt, and Stan shouts his name.
He snaps his hips up to meet him a few more times and rubs the sensitive glans under the head of Stan's cock, and then there are teeth digging into his other shoulder and his fist and stomach are being striped in Stan's come while he shudders and jerks overtop of him.
Stan goes easily when Ford rolls them over and pins one of his wrists to the bed. And despite the way he squirms and how his spent cock twitches and leaks, blatantly overstimulated, he hooks his ankles behind Ford's back and urges him on.
"C-C'mon, give it to me. Fuck, just like that, Sixer!"
The nickname hits him with all the subtlety of a truck and all the heat of a volcanic eruption.
He doesn't even remember coming so much as he remembers every synapses in his brain trying to fire at once. Coming back down to reality is a little clearer, with his head spinning and pulse racing as he flops onto his back, but it still takes several long minutes before he feels fully cognizant again.
Something makes the bed shift, and he looks over to see that Stan has rolled onto his stomach. Ford wonders if he looks half as fucked out as Stan does, with bruises blossoming across his body, his shirt rucked halfway up his stomach, and come staining his ass and thighs. Ford realizes Stan still has his socks on, and he can't figure out why that makes something twinge, hot but exhausted and halfhearted, in his gut.
"Gonna...gonna get up in a minute," Stan says, his voice slurring and his eyes already closed. Ford watches him rub his cheek against one of Ford's pillows, and the soft sound of snoring follows soon after.
The reality of the situation starts to settle in shortly after that, and Ford stares wide eyed up at the ceiling as if he'll find some sort of answers there. Unsurprisingly, there are no secrets etched overhead for how to reckon with the fact that he had just fucked his brother, twice, while the fate of the world was still very much hanging in the balance between his fraying sanity and Bill's looming threat.
".....Fuck," Ford murmurs.
When the adrenaline finishes seeping out of his system, Ford expects to crash. The exhaustion certainly climbs back into his bones, but he's surprised to find himself still clear headed. Focused.
The sound of Stan sleeping soundly beside him is as soothing as it is mocking, but he doesn't want to separate himself from it even though he knows he needs to get up. There's soft, gray light starting to creep in through the windows, and distant birdsong calling for the start of the day. He needs to readjust, to come up with a new plan, find some way to explain to Stan what's going on so they can buy themselves a little more time.
Against all odds and his better judgment, there's a tiny, optimistic voice in the back of his head reminding him that there's strength in numbers. He isn't surprised that it sounds like Stan.
#¯\_ (ツ)_/¯#stancest#nsft#i have been DYING to write this for 2 weeks#and i just haven't had the time to actually sit with it#so i hope it balances out the wait anon!#foodtruck’s snack packs#pretend my ask tag is cute
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Descent into Barbie Bambi
My descent into Bambi was not something that I anticipated would be achieved to this extent. Yet, when I met my master I almost knew right away I’d give my life away to him. Equally daunting yet exciting experience. The deeper we fell in love the more both of us fell into our natural dynamics. Part of this was me serving my man’s needs, I always knew that I’d dedicate my life to my owner however I wasn’t prepared for just how far we would go ! Now that we’re on this path together, I couldn’t be more Barbie pink excited to become who I was always meant to be 🎀🎀💝💝 A Barbie Bimbo Bambi doll!
Life through service is an incredibly beautiful life and as woman a huge part of our purpose should we chose to accept it, is to submit to and love and nurture the incredible man in our lives. Not every woman can or wants to do this however, as the independent woman motto is quiet highly strung in todays society. The Bimbo lifestyle is underrated and I believe not promoted enough. However perhaps it’s not something to be promoted, because I think the bimbo lifestyle has a funny way of choosing you. It’s not something you ask for or go chasing, now that I’m here in it, I think you’ve either got it in your or you don’t. Either you align with its values wholeheartedly or you’re on the other end of the spectrum. Either is fine, whatever suits the individual #peacetoall
To me, becoming the most feminine, soft, sensual and thoughtless version of myself to present to Master is something I view as a true gift ! My purpose in this life is to be the best woman and be best mumma to our children, when daddy decides to breed me when he thinks the time is right ! So to me it’s an ultimate act of submission becoming the prettiest, dumbest and happiest version of myself!
Only a few months ago, my Master is the one that introduced the term Bimbo and away I went on my own research and guided by him. I fell in love with the representation and how freeing this lifestyle truly is. I quickly realised that a girl is allowed to relax and is not needed to be on top of everything. Becoming a Bimbo Bambi felt new, yet natural. It was sexy and fulfilling. More importantly it was me, precisely the lifestyle I had always envisioned but societal conditioning told me I had to be otherwise.
Becoming Bambi was not something I thought would feel this deep and endearing. I know it’s meant to be fun and sexual, but for me it goes deeper than that. It’s freeing. My owner showed me it’s okay to be the Barbie girl of my dreams and that I don’t need to be on professional girl mode at all times, that actually I am allowed to relax and switch my brain off. In fact, doing that is attractive !! I was so used to living in survival mode than sometimes I forgot to live and enjoy the moment. Being a Bimbo lets me not only be happy but also ensure my Masters cock gets whatever satisfaction he desires hehe xx
I truly believe I was always meant to be a Bimbo, however i just never knew this lifestyle existed as an option for me until my master. I must disclose it was never something that he pushed or pressured me into, he mentioned it once by way of ‘hey what do you think’ and off I went …. Onto this beautiful path aligning me with my sensual soft feminine goals and being able to be my best self.
The Bambi mixed with Bimbo lifestyle is something that flourishes on one’s unique sense of femininity; passion for sex and pleasing men/your man and the need to be pretty no matter what. Bimbos take great pride in their appearance for that is their prized treasure ! No wonder they’re so happy, because they’re always dressed cute and feeling fantastic !!
The effort into one’s appearance, the removal of pesky big girl thoughts and atlast being daddy’s personal sex doll - amongst the highest achievements as a woman. So, descending into Bambi is simply an extension of my way of life previously however ever since meeting my master, it is now a way of life and embodiment of who I am. It’s a tribute to how much I love my master. I am not my degrees or outwardly achievements, I’m not the hard working girl others know me as. I am simply Bambi, owned by my Master and a slave to all his needs. This is what I believe I was truly made for, because with him my heart has never been happier and through his leadership and guidance I am able to thrive as his woman.
This lifestyle allows me to cater to my man the way I’ve always dreamt of, dedicating my entire life and body to him ! It also enables me to be my absolute best. Bimbos are viewed as stereotypically dumb and brainless, however they are extremely emotionally intelligent when it comes to men, pleasure and giving their femininity away so generously. Pleasing their man is priority and I couldn’t be more proud for my goal in life to be that as well!
Furthermore, I firmly believe that my descent into becoming Barbie Bambi is the ultimate form of self love. I’ve always been a pink and feminine loving girl however now I just get to experience it to an incredible degree of embodiment. To be pretty and dumb and on display for my Owner, I love it, there is no greater pleasure !
This descent into Bambi will allow me not only to flourish in my feminine energy on another level, but it’s a channel in which I can serve my owner. I am his property and owned by him in every single way and being Bimbo will let me be my best self to make Master happy🥰🥰🎀🎀
#bimbo training#bimbo doll#bimboification#bimbofied#bimbo girl#bimbocore#barbie#daddy's good girl#bd/sm daddy#daddy’s wh0re#Dadd
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spent a good hour reading up on your Not What He Seems AU, it’s such a perfect mix of angst and whimsy! Ford waking up to find 30 years have passed in the blink of an eye is is the kind of body horror terrifying i eat up, as an avid enjoyer of time travel and its inherent tragedy.
i got a few questions, if you’ll indulge me:
- what kinds of tattoos you think Bill has gotten over the years? i think i saw some arm bands in one of your pieces, but i’d love to hear if you have any specific ideas for placements or images. if he’s doing it for the safe pain experience, i’d think there are some pretty big/detailed pieces involved? and do you think the pain helps ground him somewhat, to find and fit better in the boundaries of the body?
- in the show, Stan feels a lot of guilt for stealing his brother’s identity and he kinda thinks of himself as a fraud, an actor. do you think Bill ever feels guilty for the same? or would he just miss Ford a lot, without the Stan-specific aspect of pretending to be “the better one”?
also any fun tidbits you’ve been rotating in your head lately! it’s impressive how specifically it seems like you’ve thought out how Bill’s presence would affect the canon show events, while trying to keep them as unchanged as possible. also StanFraud is the funniest, most perfect thing I’ve ever heard!
Thank you!! I’ve always enjoyed writing horror based on human response, so Ford’s perspective is probably one of the most fascinating to me in this AU, although, all of it is fascinating and enjoyable to explore, really!
— I haven’t worked them all out yet, but I know for a fact he has a tattoo of the Cipher Wheel on his back, the arm bands as you mentioned, a hyper-realistic tattoo of his ribs where his ribs would be (if that makes sense), and eyes on the back of his hands. Honestly, I’d be open to suggestions for him! I imagine him having some more grotesque, detailed tattoos that reflect the nightmare realm as well. And yes, the pain definitely helps ground him. It also gives him a sense of control as well, in a situation where he has none.
— If he does feel guilty, it’s a complicated kind of guilt. I don’t even think he’d fully process that he’s feeling guilty. It’s this sort of gnawing feeling he can’t get rid of, and it starts the longer he gets to know Dipper and Mabel — he never really felt it before that. He absolutely misses Ford though. He can’t define that feeling either. I’ve said before that he looks at Dipper strangely, and that’s because Dipper reminds him of Ford in certain moments, eager for discovery!
He and Stan never really talk about it, but the have both acknowledged missing Ford before.
Bill’s response was vague though, not an ‘I miss him too’, but an ‘I think I do too.’ He isn’t sure what to make of that.
Bill Cipher doesn’t feel remorse, or miss people, he does everything with intention and he’s never made mistakes. Or, that’s what he’s meant to be. Maybe he has gone soft.
And Tidbits! I have a few! Not as many as usual, only because Arcane’s been taking up a bit of my brain space lately, but I hope these shall suffice anyhow:
(And quickly, thank you again, I think way too hard on all the small details and how Bill’s presence would have a knock on effect. It makes me happy to see it get noticed!)
— In the early days of Bill being trapped, Stan obviously doesn’t open the Mystery Shack, and ends up having to take a few odd jobs around town instead. He’s earned a bit of a reputation for being a decent handyman because of that, and even now, old timers of the town will still come to Stan if they need something fixing, especially cars. He complains about getting too old for it, but he never says no. Money is money! It’s also interesting to think about how the little things would impact his relationship with the townsfolk and how they view him. He’s always been Stanley to them. He’s never had to pretend otherwise.
— I’ve toyed around with making the Blind Eye a bigger threat than they are in canon, being as the kids would have no reason to look into Old Man McGucket. I’ve also toyed around with McGucket ending up slightly different to canon, his mind still broken, but his motivation different, with him being aware early on that the man he sees isn’t Ford, and is in fact the beast he fears and tried to erase from his mind. A more antagonistic Fiddleford who’s been trying to get rid of Bill for years now would actually be really fun? If I can make it work, and make the Blind Eye work in this way, I’ll lean into it! For now though, it’s just an idea I’m throwing around.
— Vague ‘episode’ idea that exists within my brain is Bill accidentally starting a mini cult again after telling some sort of lie that catches on, and it ends up being a Mabel-Bill bonding plot-line as she tries to convince him to just be honest before this whole cult thing gets taken too far. I also love the idea of Bill making a comment about this being like 1952 all over again. He makes comments like that all the time. Surely he’s just joking!
— Another vague ‘episode’ idea I have is Bill taking Dipper and Mabel to the supernatural underground market of Gravity Falls under Stan’s nose, trying to prove he’s the cooler Uncle, and that he can handle the two kids by himself. This goes about as well as you’d expect. Stan isn’t too happy to find out Bill got Dipper and Mabel in trouble, as he tried to get them to do more and more risky things.
— Bill will sometimes start speaking in Euclydian without realising, especially when it comes to cursing, and no one knows how he’s making those sounds with his mouth. Stan’s actually started picking up some of the meanings in context and can roughly gauge what Bill might be saying.
#gravity falls#gravity falls au#not who he seems au#bill cipher#stanley pines#dipper pines#mabel pines#fiddleford mcgucket
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Silly vents about recent events
#so i went to a drag show last night for the 1st time in a long while#and forgot that front row seats give unspoken license to be read to filth#one guy got called a serial killer. another called out for taking a shit and implied she didnt wash her hands. many couples were laughed at#it came to my turn and the queen goes 'where do i know you from? were you the one who fingered me last night?'#without thinking i laughed and said 'bitch i might be' and she wheeled back with a 'BITCH!' while laughing. punctuated with a#'i dont know you get out of my pussy'#i was so relieved#watching everyone get read to filth had my autism shaking in its boots ngl#i know its all for fun but i also know how my brain is#anyway#i got like 3 compliments on my outfit. one of which wasnt even at the club just a lesbian hitting on me at the grocery store omw there :)#and when I went to denny's after to sober up two girls said i didnt look like i was from our city [as a compliment they clarified]#and the hostess kept calling me pretty :)#it felt nice. sort of cancelled out me having to go out alone.#i hope my beach trip tomorrow is like that.#and a group of men stared me down at dennys but left me alone ultimately.#the waitress even said she was worried theyd bother me but then another says 'nah she look independent enough.'#it was a good feeling...to be percieved how i wanted to.
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the raw guy
#vinny vinesauce#vinesauce fanart#vinesauce#what if i told u i was very embarrassed to post this#rlly badly done low effort sketch studies of him bc fun fact my computer deleted the og file the other day so i just. redrew it all wihtout#caring too much the second time around BUT I WANTED TO DRAW HIM it was sooo fun still ddont know how to draw him too well but ill see.#need to watch more of his streams sorry guys im from jerma nation but i like red vox so thats why im crossing territory#queue are lovely#i added to ita flags bc its funny and also i am so used to putting a flag SOMEWHERE . my brain
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Something really great about the persona 2 cast is that they all individually fucking SUCK to talk to casually. Every single one of them. They are all infuriating. We have:
Tatsuya, who will stare at you blankly if you try to initiate conversation (IS) and will dip without saying a word afterward (EP)
Batsuya, who will scoff and brush you off/otherwise act dismissive
Eikichi, who might honestly be the best to talk to in the IS crew and that is not saying much, who WILL talk extremely loudly over you (probably not on purpose?) and will not be paying particularly close attention to the conversation beyond whatever he wants to say (gets points for talking about his gf. gets points taken away for constantly talking about his gf)
Lisa, who will automatically assume bad faith and will be rude to you the entire conversation unless you manage to defuse her temper (good luck)
Jun, who is uncommunicative at BEST and requires an encyclopedic knowledge of flowers, metaphor and body language just to get a HINT on what he’s thinking, and who will be extremely polite but completely unhelpful. If you tried asking him what he wants for dinner I guarantee it will be the longest 30 minutes of your life as he goes “oh I have no opinion :) whatever you want. :))” EXCEPT HE DOES HAVE OPINIONS. He has SO MANY OPINIONS. He is Expecting you to be able to pick up on his “obvious” clues. He will be passive aggressive if you don’t. (Jun babygirl you suck so bad I love u)
Maya, who is a delight but will very quickly become grating if you try to talk to her about anything serious as she hits you with the white suburban mom's "how to live a happy, healthy life" lifecoach slogans. You can’t even mention, like, stepping in a puddle or something without her hitting you with the positivity beam.
Yukino is great actually. 10/10. She’s fabulous we love her. Incredible conversationalist, chill and fun and easy to get along with. But she’s from Persona One, she doesn’t Count.
Ulala, who WILL bring up her relationship problems in every conversation within 10 minutes at least once. Any longer and she will start talking about Maya.
Do I even need to explain Baofu. Have you seen him.
And finally, Katsuya, who is a cop and a kiss ass and Very Obvious about these things. Also he can't talk to women. He can barely talk to men. Help Him.
And yet they all work wonderfully as a group. They are so annoying I love them
#long post#Nanjo and Elly don't count btw#hi I fucking adore them#I missed them <3 Suou Brothers crawling back into my brain#Persona 3-5 have a very charming casts that are easy to like immediately. Persona 1 & 2 are filled with the most annoying bitches alive#exaggeration obviously. not by that much tho#persona 2s cast in particular is very charming. when they're TOGETHER. Individually? Wellllll...#hmm something about p2s cast in particular feels less. gimmicky? I guess? than the newer persona games#which isn't to say that those casts are worse or that the p2 cast ISN'T gimmicky because they are#but idk. you kind of always know how Ryuji or Ken or Yukiko will react to a situation. but the p2 cast may surprise you#again: doesn't make any of the later casts bad! I absolutely adore them. That you can predict them is evidence of strong character writing!#The p2 cast just feels a little more fleshed out is all. probably because the lack of social links means they're able to progress#throughout the story and change without worrying about conflicting with a link yanno?#I love social links though I think they're a great edition!#They need their kinks ironed out a bit but Yosuke has already proved that they are absolutely capable of working hand in hand with the#development of characters in the story as well#and theyre still fun even when they don't impact the story. I like getting to know side#characters too! (Naoki and Ei and Ai and Daisuke and Kou and the old lady and Akinari and-)#tag ramble#persona 2#tatsuya suou#eikichi mishina#lisa silverman#jun kurosu#maya amano#yukino mayuzumi#ulala serizawa#baofu#katsuya suou#Also um. hi. Its been a while lol
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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tidbits from kant's file:
the file is updated for this year, 2567 = 2024. i'm not sure what the 353 means
kant's birthday is 27 march (มี.ค.) (year is blurry but we know it must be 2537/8 aka 1994/5 since he's 29. march has very likely passed in the show so im 95% sure it's 2538 (also looks more like an 8))
his career is listed as free/independent which i assume (probably?) means self-employment basically which would make sense. im not privy to thai census record terminology though
lives in bang phlat district. it's right on the chao phraya
im not great with names so i could be a little off, but it seems like his dad's name is phong junior..? he has อนุ in his name which i think can mean junior, but typically means small/kid/minor (roughly) [EDIT: i was wrong it would be anupong lol; again not great with names]
mom's name is samon [transcribed usually as samorn, i do it weird] (means beautiful/beloved woman lol)
under spouse (wife/husband) "miss" something is listed (นางสาว___) (possibly also ms.). cuts conveniently off lol. very likely he was/is married*
not sure what's under the spouse line. includes 173 ช.ม. (i believe). ชั่วโมง is hour, which is the only word i can think of it might abbreviate. 173 hours? shrug
*im curious about this, like everyone probably, but since this file is updated to 2024 and this person is listed under spouse, wouldn't that imply they're still technically married...?
at the same time, it says miss, not mrs. like kant's mom. However, mrs. is just นาง as opposed to miss = นางสาว. สาว means 'young woman'. i dont know if that means anything but i wonder if women who marry young/in their teens are still referred to as นางสาว. but Even if that were the case (which is a big if), wouldnt her title be updated now that she's presumable older in 2024? unless she like. uh. died
#nof's nonsense#i got scatterbrained at the end does that make sense at all. lol#lots of fun to analyze either way#who knows how much of this is right but like. it's fun to think about. little details :) his birthday's march 27th :D#saw the wife thing briefly mentioned on twitter or wtv and went back and took screenshots myself for clearer view#thaiql#thk#the heart killers#in case anyone's interested ig#if anyone knows those title conventions id be interested to know#kant pattanawat#i like his first name :)#sounds cool#ALSO. not putting this in the body bc its pure speculation but#the whole wife thing. i wonder if. you never can tell by chuck berry in p'jo's playlist is related#song about a teenage wedding 🤔 which is what influenced those last thoughts a little#maybe he just likes the song. but i think it would be neat if it was thematically relevant#not sure it fits the overall theme of the playlist otherwise like it kind of sticks out a little. so my brains like omg it must be there#for a Reason#but who knows. shrug
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“I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you.
Take me back to the night we met.”
— The Night We Met by Lord Huron
cw implied death, angst, OWWW OWWWIE OWWW
The day starts as usual.
The sun rises, birds chirping as you push open the balcony door to let the morning air in. Joseph steps out, a cigarette already between his fingers. You join him, two mugs of coffee in your hands. He takes one from you with a grateful smile, you both settle into the routine.
The day is beautiful. The suns warm embrace on your skin makes you want to linger there forever, soaking in her rays.
“What d’ya want for breakfast?” he asks, smoke curling lazily from his lips.
You ponder for a moment, imagining the taste of different dishes. “How about…pancakes?” you suggest, feeling your mouth water at the thought.
Joseph chuckles, stubbing out his cigarette and taking a final gulp of his coffee. “Pancakes it is then.”
You eat breakfast together at the table. Joseph flips through his script between bites, humming under his breath and glancing at the clock occasionally. A quiet sigh escapes him as he polishes off his plate.
He rises, placing his dirtied plate on the sink, setting his empty mug on top. He walks over to you, gently pushing your hair back and kissing your forehead.
“I gotta go. I’ll see you later, okay?”
You hum, cheeks warming from the kiss. “I’ll pick up stuff to make your favorite for dinner tonight. I know we haven’t had it in a while.”
His eyes light up, “Sounds like a plan.”
He heads towards the entryway, grabbing his jacket. He looks back at you, a smile still lingering on his lips.
“Don’t worry, filming shouldn’t take long today. I’ll be home before you know it.”
The butterflies in your stomach flutter with his words.
“Okay, I’ll see you later,” you reply, eyes droopy with morning grogginess and love.
The door clicks shut behind him, you watch a moment longer. Your eyes trace over the knob, down the mysterious crack in the wood, and watch his shadowy steps fade away. A sudden uneasiness creeps in, filling your gut with a syrupy ache. The butterflies no longer flutter, their wings cut, leaving you with a heavy feeling in their place.
You try to shake it off, but the feeling lingers, the knot in your stomach tightening with each tick of the clock. Hour after hour, minute after minute, you try to distract yourself with meaningless chores. You go grab things for dinner, the hustle and bustle of the store creating a dull hum over the pit in your stomach. A weak balm that doesn’t last the second you step through the apartment door again.
Night falls, groceries left forgotten on the counter. Seconds tick by painfully slow, each one a reminder of his absence. You can’t shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong.
Joseph doesn’t return that night, or any night after that.
#omg who would write such a angsty story? its so sad#i say while looking in the mirror#yesterday was a fun happy day so of course my brain was like#okay now angst.. GO!#Joseph... my sweet pookie bear#i can't wait to find out more about his death#specifically how and why he died#its confirmed that its a premeditated homicide#so the person planned this murder..#it feels so full of hate and revenge to me#so my bets are all on someone from his past coming back for revenge..#i also like that idea because joseph always seems to be running..#running away from his past and his old self..#it would be so ANGSTY if his past is what kills him#in a metaphorical sense#sigh..#also the song 'the night we met' with forever remind me of joseph#specifically the lyrics i listed above#it perfectly encapsulates how quickly someone can enter and leave your life#OMG AND the lyric 'i dont know what im supposed to do HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF YOU'#THIS SHIT JUST WRITES ITSELF#DUDEEEE#I DONT EVEN NEED TO SAY MORE#sunny day jack#sunny day jack x reader#somethings wrong with sunny day jack#swwsdj#joseph haberdae#jacktor#joseph haberdae x reader
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TWO! OF! THEM!
#isat#isat spoilers#my art#isat siffrin#isat loop#human!loop#look i have not much to say about this#i WAS gonna draw bonnie today but i got like one shoe in before my brain decided human!loop time and how am i to argue with that#i wanna point out i didnt play the prologue? yet?#but i thought inverted color scheme would be fun#and yknow. all the little details to seperate them as people. because they are not the same. at least not anymore#maybe they were at some point maybe they were always different. who knows with all those time shenanigans#anyways! 5 days in a row!#....okay maybe i DID have much to say about this#also the third picture was an afterthought dont come at me with perspective and wether it makes sense#i know siffrin technically got his back to the mirror but also loop isnt an actual reflection#its more of a two sides of a portal thing i guess?#.....its halfway to one am and all the status conditions have hit me at once and i have work tomorrow so imma go eep#also yes i know the islands symbol is a 4 pointed star not 8 i am aware the 8 pointed ones are on purpose#i got an irregular one too#....yknow the 4 pointed ones on the pins for where they came from the irregular shaped one on the hat for who they became before#and the 8 pointed one to both show that they have grown beyond a homeland they dont remember and the fact that. yknow.#theres two of them kinda
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ok but im rly into the idea of till having a new era that brings the light back to his eyes and drives him forward if he gets to escape the arena. idk where he'd go from there but i want to see ivans sacrifice both haunt him and drive him to actually live his damn life after being the captured bird refusing freedom cause of mizi. once he knows she's alive with the resistance he might be able to actually experience other things and widen his world and if that happens and he puts his personal sense of rebellion towards the human cause OR settles into finding some other way to feel fulfilment that isn't a single person that could be deeply fascinating to me i think
#alien stage#ramble#idk#till alien stage#as an xxxholic fan i want to see caged birds fly and all the fear and loss and grit and progress that comes with it#till era would be so fucking fun#especially when characters r built arnd one person or one goal or something you want to see them find new things to suffer or thrive abt (?)#random inconsequential thought imagine till hooking up with hyunas besties and they become a resistance throuple#idk i just want till to experience the wider world as the one that was the most restrained by his heart AND literally#cause even compared to the other anakt kids he suffered so much in those damn buildings and labs#i wanna see him freed and what that means for ivans legacy as the person who was unseen but someone who both contributed to and desperately#tried to stop his pain and confinement no matter what#honestly the thing i wanna see most rn off the top of my head is#till coming to terms with what he knows and sees about ivan now#no matter how he feels about it i think ivan wont be forgotten that easily#i want to know whats going thru tills head rn immediately in this moment#cause this snapped him in some way and he is acutely aware of things he didnt even notice before#while handling the mizi desth thing#that he assumed was happening#if he is assumedly saved i want to see the explosion that is knowung mizi is alive#knowing ivan is dead and how ivan felt#and knowing he has a way out of the cage#because its a triple whammy#i want to see his brain exploding in real time thinking abt all these things#and what sort of person the revelations will make him become#also i want to see mizi and till have like an actual conversation cause itd be a wildcard especially right now
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Just had an awesome naming moment the stars aligned and my neurons fired <- girl who sucks bad at naming ocs
#its synth's world's doc ock btw . who i rattle around in my brain but dont know how to articulate the character of#his name is dr ociel zhang / 章奥气 and people can call him doc oc / ock and he can also be 章博士(dr zhang) which is close to doc ock in mandari#章 is from 章鱼 which is octopus so he has the octopus sounding surname still (i got that from superiors chinese name cuz thats so fun#and 奥 is pronounced ào and its the same 奥 in the mandarin translation for the name otto that they usually use#and also 奥气 is a homonym of 傲气 which is like this arrogant and prideful vibe which kind of tracks#thats my good idea for the month ill see u in november then !!#he has arcs but all ur getting from me is his daughter died at 17 and he has a lazy eye. and hes trapped in the cycle#synth-spinner
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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#ok im making one more dot post and then i am (hopefully) getting off tumblr and going to bed#liam payne#death#i do suggest not reading tbh because its just gonna be waffle. anyways#ive distanced myself from the boys for years for a multitude of reasons. mainly that they did things that disappointed me and i realised the#way i was attatched to them was unhealthy. so for the most part i listened and enjoyed the music and didnt pay Much attention to anything#else. and like liam. i always liked him in the band days because to me he was the underdog. the underappreciated and probs less stanned one#out of all of them. and when youre a fan i do feel like a lot of us just wanted them all to be appreciated. idk. but anyways yeah i did feel#for him. due to him backgroud growing up. his talent. etc etc. even though he wasnt my fav. and even when he did something wrong my teenage#self still defended him like my life depended on it. (embarassing) anyways. his solo music while it was not my fav i still occasionally#enjoyed. its just over produced pop like it was fine and i found it fun. in terms of him as an actual person by this point in his career i#didnt pay attention to him or the others that much anymore#and like. yeah as of recently as more stuff came out about him being kinda weird and rude and abusive 🙃🙃🙃 that was kind of the final#straw for me! like in terms of me giving a fuck about him. if he eventually came around cool but i wasnt gonna wait around for it.#god this whole thing feels so dramatic but i need to get it oit or i Know i will not be at peace lmao anyways#so yeah come to hearing about his death which. i hear about because of trin lovell on twitter like. shsvshs. anyways my reaction was#disbelief and just... nothing? like i said in my brain i had just disregarded him honestly. and even now i still just feel speechless.#to summarise my feelings. fuck him for how he treated his ex and probably other women as well. but also. he was my boy. he'll always be a#part of me. and it feels weird that hes just. gone. he suffered a lot with addiction and pressures etc and its just. sad that hes gone now.#that he never got to get better. and he wont get the chance to. im sad for his family. and anyone else thats gonna be affected by this#im always gonna remember him.#and thats all i have to say. honestly part of me feels SO dramatic for even typing all this out but here we are.#if anyone has read this far and wants someone to talk to im more than happy. and also just wanna make clear that i am fine#le text post
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I am once again being haunted by "a paradox" holy fuck Olivia what the fuck is going on here what did you get yourself involved with and what did you do after it speak to me Olivia I can't keep living like this
#rat rambles#oni posting#the second half fills you with the horrors so you forget that the log opened up with that b111-1 bomb#for the record a paradox is one of my favorite lore logs of all of them because its the log that made me go Oh Shit and go reread all the#olivia logs I initially only skimmed through and begun the olivia brain takeover#the second part rewired my brain irreversably like its so fucked I love it#in particular one thing that makes me so fucking glad that the old olivia jackie logs were scrapped is that originally jackie was the one#who printing pod ified olivia to save her from the end of the world or smth#but the change to make it self inflicted? fucking amazing ten million times better and more interesting#especially because it implies she did it on purpose!#which opens up so many doors and I fucking Love it#because the teleportation technology was what she knew of as a method of doing this but either A shed have to have kept using teleporters#anyways and either just count on her not dying or counting On her dying#or shed have to know the link between it and the neural vaculators#which is very possible considering Stuff™ but does raise the question of how she used it#now the boring answer is that her brain map was already taken from the neural vaculator tests but god. that answer is boring.#the most interesting possibility to me personally is that she could have well. tinkered a bit with existing technology.#unlikely? maybe. fun to explore for my purposes? yep.#also I need the peace of knowing that jackie never got the satisfaction of knowing what happened with olivia's dissapearance#or if she did only after the fact#I need this to have been completely out of jackie's viewpoint at the top and I need it to fuck with her and shatter her worldview#I need to see the desperation and paranoia of a woman who is realizing that she has lost control over her technology#I need to see her try to cling onto her past ambitions and sense of control while falling apart at the seams#and I need olivia to have never thought jackie would give a shit until all else but her is dead and gone#do you see my vision do you see it do you see how much more fun it is if it was extremely deliberate instead of only lightly so
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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