#actually feel sort of viscerally wrong thinking about it

[bedpissercastiel]

being an adult is fun because i can just. not eat the broken food and it's fine and my day isnt ruined by having to eat it or someone getting upset with me for not eating it

[the-modern-typewriter]

Hi! Can you do a villain x villain?

"Is that a wedding ring?" It came out, just the teensiest bit, strangled.

"Last bit of your outfit for tonight. Put it on."

The protagonist stared at the villain for a moment, searching for the trap. It probably wouldn't actually kill them, but with them it was impossible to be entirely sure. The other's expression gave away nothing. They weren't even looking back - more preoccupied with tapping away at something on their phone.

"Uh..."

They got an eyebrow raise in response. A delicate warning.

So, the protagonist padded over to the small black box sitting open on their kitchen table. It was next to the villain. Close enough that they couldn't keep the table between the two of them, at least not without making a thing about it.

The villain smelled like their expensive soap. Spicy. Warm.

The protagonist swallowed, heart stuttering.

"Funny sort of proposal," the protagonist managed. "Even for you."

"No one's threatened by newlyweds. It's the perfect cover."

Right. Of course it wasn't an actual proposal. That would be...well. Probably apocalyptic, but the protagonist's stomach did give a stupid little squeeze at the thought. The bastard no doubt knew.

The ring fit perfectly.

When they glanced at the villain again, the other's gaze was already on them, assessing. It lit the protagonist up, like their every nerve ending was mapped out on some special spectrum that only the other villain could see.

The protagonist exhaled a shaky breath. "You're going to owe me big time for this."

"You'll get your share of the profits. You always do, don't you?"

They had worked together on a number of big jobs over the years. The other villain always had the most insane and most lucrative plans. Brilliant.

The protagonist was pretty sure they'd been in love with the bastard from nearly the moment they met.

The villain held out a hand. A matching ring sparkled in the evening light.

When the protagonist stared at them, helplessly, dumbly, the villain clicked their tongue.

"Oh." The protagonist took the offered hand, and the villain promptly reeled them in, so they stood between the villain's legs. They could feel the heat of them radiating from their skin, they were so close.

The protagonist felt a little dizzy.

"You'll need to be quicker on the upkeep, lover, if we're going to pull this off," the other villain murmured. They squeezed the protagonist's fingers hard enough to hurt. "If anyone suspects anything, we're done for. Breathe."

The protagonist breathed out, slow, steadying.

"And sit," the villain said.

The other chair was on the other side of the table. Did the villain mean -?

Another impatient tongue-click.

The protagonist sat themselves on the villain's lap. They felt hyperaware of every inch of contact between them. "This is - um -"

"Uncomfortable?" The villain's smile was wicked. "You don't want to be my false lover, baby?"

The protagonist gritted their teeth, refusing to give the villain the sadistic delight of seeing them flush. "You're a bit like a cat, is all," the protagonist said. "Never sure, if I touch you, if you're going to be sweet or if you're going to claw my hand off."

"More fun that way," the villain purred.

Well, it certainly kept things interesting. There was probably something wrong with the protagonist.

Still studying them, the villain brought the protagonist's hand up to their lips, pressing a kiss to their knuckles.

The reaction was instant and visceral.

The protagonist closed their eyes. They felt hot and flustered all over.

Why were they so incapable of being cool and intimidating around the one person they wanted to be cool for?

The villain chuckled. "Yeah, I think you're going to do just fine. If you pass out, it won't be terror. Will it, love?"

"That's why you wanted me for this collab? My-" They stopped short of saying feelings for you. Ludicrous thing to admit aloud, even if they both knew. Especially them.

"One of them."

"The other being my sparkling competence, naturally."

"Naturally."

The villain's hands rose, moving to fix the protagonist's tie with one hand. They knotted it just a fraction too tight, even as their movements stayed leisurely. The protagonist could feel it when they swallowed.

The protagonist kept waiting for their body to relax. To not be on edge just sharing the same air space.

It didn't happen.

The villain was smiling. They gave the tie a little tug, so their lips could brush along the protagonist's jaw line.

"Exposure therapy?" the protagonist asked. "So I'm more natural later?"

"Mm." There was a hum of approval in the other villain's voice. It shouldn't have meant as much as it did.

"Am I allowed to touch you?"

"You can always try it and see how sweet I am."

"You're impossible." It came out a huff, but not without affection. Never. They tentatively settled their hands on the other villain's shoulders.

"Of course you can touch me," the villain said. "You're my beloved spouse. We're besotted. Disgustingly affectionate. No one wants to look at us for longer than three seconds before they want to puke rainbows."

"This is your version of puking rainbows?"

The villain gave the tie a sharp tug for that.

The protagonist had to laugh and, with the laugh, some of the tension faded from them. "Don't worry, I'll teach you."

"Will you."

"Mm. You say nice things and call each other by saccharine nicknames."

"Gross."

The protagonist grinned. "Your idea, boss."

The villain was quiet for a beat, settling back in their chair, considering the protagonist again for a beat. Musing.

"We should go," the protagonist said. "We'll be late."

"Late is believable. We're newlyweds. Easily distracted."

The villain was, admittedly, very distracting beneath them. But that was hardly the point.

The villain was still staring.

"You picked the clothes," the protagonist said. "You can't tell me to change."

"I don't want you to change. Not ever."

The protagonist's throat tightened, mouth dry. "There we go," they said softly. "Puking rainbows."

The evening was going to be exquisitely unbearable.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

saw speak no evil last night, which i really enjoyed! it proved to be my very favorite kind of stressful movie, i.e. a slowburn thriller where people go to a beautiful and remote location and then Things Go So Wrong! it reminded me a lot of other faves ex machina, men, 10 cloverfield lane, the menu, ready or not, the recent blink twice, etc.

just some thoughts about this movie (spoilers!)--

+ i really enjoyed all the gender role stuff going on in this one a whole bunch. this is, of course, a classic gothic romp in my eyes. therefore, watching the dad -- down on his luck, feeling emasculated by his female family and by life not favoring him as much as it was supposed to! -- get seduced by the alpha male andrew tate-y bs embodied by james mcavoy's character, like the dad was but a shrinking naive gothic heroine missing or even lusting after all the red flags, was SUCH a fun subversion to me. yes! yes!!!

+ every time that mackenzie davis's character tried to establish boundaries and they got run over and then she let it slide to be palatable, i viscerally FELT THAT. there was, of course, a big element of 'privileged people wanting to appear woke so they keep being boundlessly pityingly nice to the poor people', but even deeper than that, i think this was a great portrayal of how women in particular are expected to constantly accommodate and ignore their intuition. the bit with making her eat the goose. D: and it got worse!

+ i also really liked how in the big showdown, the mom and the kids were the ones who actually took out the enemies, and the dad was the only one without a 'kill' to his name. (though he did sacrifice himself by jumping off the roof, mirroring Accomplice Wife's self-sacrificial death!)

+ gosh, the dark implications re: Accomplice Wife's character were so harrowing - the victim becoming the abuser - and the fact that the little girl was being primed to follow in her footsteps ..... D:

+ i enjoyed that the kids were the ones who had the sort of Big Finding Bluebeard's Closet Of Dead Wives Reveal. (my bf pointed out that this is a bluebeard story, and it so is! my favorite!) that sort of ASOUE-y feeling of kids having to make it on their own because adults aren't a guaranteed source of safety. MAN, poor ant. :'( that kid had a HORRIBLE time. i really admire his persistence in keeping on fighting and trying to communicate.

+ i saw someone in the reddit discussion thread say that couple vs. couple is an underrated trope, and i agree! would love to see more of that in cinema.

+ love how the title operates both on the level of "this kid can speak no evil about what we do because we cut his tongue out" AND "don't ever say anything mean to people or you might hurt their feelings and what could possibly be worse than that (oh, this, i guess) 😬"

+ can't believe they did nick miller's favorite song cotton eyed joe so dirty like that. :( that scene honestly brought tears to my eyes from pure misery. the fact that some parents really do treat their kids like that ...................... (even if that wound up not being totally the situation in this particular movie). disgusting and heartbreaking.

+ the most a+ "eternal flame" use since gilmore girls.

+ after i watched the movie i read up on what the original film was like, and may i just say: that would have broken me psychologically in the movie theatre. thank god i didn't have to see that. THANK GOD! sometimes american optimism really works for me, honestly. if it's a gothic, then in the gothic, they've always got to make it out at the end!!! bruised and bloodied and haunted but still standing! so i'm really glad they did!

+ it honestly never occurred to me that people would thirst over james mcavoy in this movie, because he's so gross and horrible, but it takes all sorts to make a world, it turns out. the internet teaches me that every day!

+ anyway, i had a great time watching this! would definitely watch again! but gosh, was it a special kind of fun and stressful to watch it unfold the first time.

[adamnablelittledevil]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part III (with a bit of spoilers)

I like Gabrielle.

I'm not sure I love her, but I really like her.

I feel wrong using feminine pronouns with her, though. I feel like Gabrielle is whispering in my ear that is they/them. Like, I've never had a headcanon so strong before? I don't know about labels, but for me those are the pronouns Gabrielle would use. It's just so clear to me.

I won't use them because the book doesn't do it, the fandom doesn't do it, which I'm not criticizing because it isn't exactly 'official', so it wouldn't be real canon to... But I feel like if the books were released today, it would be. And I hope the show changes that and we can gradually adjust too.

I hope that when they write season 3, they show signs of her gender dysphoria even before she says something explicit like the "you're the man in me" conversation. I want lines that imply that, I want a look in her eyes and expressions on her face whenever she gets gender envious of guys or has to do something "feminine". The book doesn't do a lot of that because Lestat is the narrator and he is away from her, so we barely see her before the transformation/'transition' but the show has the opportunity to explore more of it and I hope they use it.

Gabrielle was born to be a vampire. I think she would nail it even without Lestat's counseling. It's just second nature for her. You go, bruh!

Gabrielle actually seems to be more fun and even affectionate than I expected? I was worried that she'd might be too confident, powerful, badass, empowered etc that she would feel cold and emotionless, because that's usually what happens with characters like these and I hate that... But so far it hasn't been the case.

She really blossomed with vampirism. Feels like she is finally getting the opportunity to have the life she was meant to live.

The only downside is the hair. That moment with the hair was so visceral. I feel bad for her. Imagine being stuck with a hair you hate and gives you body dysphoria forever. I hope the show lets her hair be short. Like, maybe her illness affected her hair or something. Or at least give her hairstyles that make it look shorter than it really is. Or make her cut it every day. I don't care. Let the dude have short hair! Period.

Lestat's reaction to all this is like... Mixed feelings. He doesn't love it. Which, I get it, all his life he knew her as a "woman". It can be weird adjusting to that, it may feel like you're losing someone. But there are these gentle moments when he separates accessories (if I remember it correctly, rings) that are masculine for her because he figures she would prefer them and when he says he'll cut her hair every night if she wants to, so it's more of unlearning and grieving what/who he thought was 'real' and adapting to a new reality. It's not an "okay, let's go!" reaction as if nothing happened, specially for the time being (1700s), it's complicated, but he seems to be open. I can't speak for everyone who is trans and/or under the non-binary umbrella, but it was human to me and I have no problems with it.

Alright, so whether it was incestuous before or not, now it clearly is. I do hope it started now and not when they were human, though.

She was my mother, my fledgling, my child (sort of), my roommate, basically the only friend I had and my lover. I mean, not exactly, but I thought the joke was funny.

I feel like if I talk about the incest, it has to be on another post because it would probably take too long. There are way too many things to talk about and I'm still approaching the middle of the book.

Let's just say it sort of makes works with how the book, the characters, this species and universe are written. I can sort of get it, at least for now. Is it necessary? No. Would the show suffer if they don't do the incest? Not all. Is it random, irrelevant, only for shock value and because "let's get nasty freaky and controversial these are vampires and this is gothic horror grow up cupcakes deal with it hahaha"? Also no! It has some kind of logic. But I feel like Lestat and Gabrielle are already layered enough with their parent/child/maker/fledgling/sort of envious of each other (including the fact they're both gender nonconforming to some extent) dynamic on its own, that there's plenty to cover here without incest. Still, if the show goes there (and I'm afraid they will), I also expect it to make sense and not be just for the sake of being seual, weird and controversial. I believe Rolin is too good to write something that mediocre and poor. So, I can live without it, but I'm also trusting the show to do whatever their thing is. Let's see, I guess.

Also, at least at the moment, it's not as big as people make it out to be. Again, to talk about this properly I'd need another post, but it's not like they sleep together, they're head over heels in love with each other or anything. Like I said, there's some logic that is kind of complicated to explain here, but it's not that radical and it's not that often. Sometimes I even genuinely and wholeheartedly forget about it. Fortunately, there are way too many other (and more) interesting things going on to focus on.

Gabrielle learning about her powers is really fun too, maybe even more fun than Lestat since she's such a natural at this whole thing.

And their maker/fledgling dynamic is entertaining as well.

She's like, climbing walls, jumping from roofs etc like a cat, just having the time of her life and while Lestat gets pretty adventurous and experimental with his powers too, it's not as much? Gabrielle takes it to the next level (good for her).

Like, sometimes he has to stop Gabrielle like a father with his kid, like "CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME WE CAN DO MORE TOMORROW" and it's simply hilarious.

Stop it, Lestat, let Gabrielle HAVE FUN!

Gabrielle just gives major Cat Woman vibes. Now I need Cat Woman-esque scenes on the show with her climbing and jumping between buildings etc. WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND THE VISION IS CO CLEAR. Do it, Rolin!

It's cool that Lestat finally has some real company and someone with whom he can be open about being a vampire.

Loneliness is the biggest thing for him on the show and I have a feeling it's the same thing on the books. And it's even worse here, because there are moments where he is completely alone and in so much pain (and we haven't seen that on the show yet). Having Gabrielle around made things better for him and he hasn't cried in a little while (and he was crying A LOT on those first two chapters, for very understandable reasons), so this was a nice turn for him and the story.

I also think he enjoys being her mentor, like it gives him a sense of purpose and pride. Reminds me of how he talked about the way he felt at the monastery. And it's sweet to see him teaching Gabrielle stuff.

And sometimes he feels like an old and tired single dad and it's just funny. Like, Gabrielle is ready to create the vampire Olympics and win gold for every single sport and he just wants to sleep. Lestat is too much and loves playing around, but Gabrielle is too much even for HIM. Imagine having more energy than the actual ADHD child. What a legend. They're hilarious. A lot of room to play with humor with these two and I hope they use it.

P.S. Nothing is permanent, opinions might change and this is based on Lestat’s narration, which can be unreliable. I’m reading the books so I can find out more about the characters, what potential events might happen in the show, what I can expect etc. This is my favorite show in the universe, so I want to be as informed as possible. I have no idea if I’ll become a legit fan of the books or not, but so far I’m enjoying it. I’m posting these comments only for fun.

[londonfoginacup]

not the same anon and i’ve already asked this to someone else without an answer. i’ve never been to a show in the usa but it feels to me like there’s a different atmosphere in general over there so this comes from genuine curiosity: why do you feel like you have to bring a rainbow flag to a concert? let’s forget about louis for a second, just think of a random concert. you said you’ve gotten bad looks for bringing one but also you (and others) claim that flags in concerts are meant to feel people safe. do you not feel safe if you don’t bring a flag? do you not enjoy a concert if you don’t bring one/see one? what’s the need to bring flags? i promise this comes from curiosity because in all the years i’ve attended music shows and festivals, i’ve never felt like bringing the flags i own, but again, i’m not from the usa and i’m not well versed into tumblr queer culture.

Hi anon. I will take this as a good faith question, although your phrase “I’ve asked this to someone else without an answer” is something I suggest you do not include when asking things in future, because it implies you’re upset or blaming that other person for not responding. People have many reasons to not respond, some of which are simply time or time of day or spoons! We are all simply trying our best out here.

Now onto your question— I think that what’s missing here is fandom history. You said “forget about Louis for a second”, but actually what we need to do is look back at One Direction’s history.

I’ve written this out and tried to shorten it a number of times now, but the long and the short of it is that while the band was active, especially 2013-2014, the way that One Direction the Brand and Management handled rumors about Louis and Harry was to create a rift between “respectful fans” and “everyone else”. And the “everyone else” was people who thought Louis and Harry were in a relationship, yes, but it was also simply queer fans. Because those circles often overlap, OR because other fans would see that they were queer and put them in the same category.

Rainbow Direction was a movement made by fans in order to feel safe at One Direction shows specifically, because it was one direction shows specifically that people did not feel comfortable at, but desperately WANTED to feel comfortable at, because this band and these boys brought them comfort, spoke words in their songs that connected to their queer experience, etc.

I would not say that it’s USA specific so much that it’s 1D specific. I don’t… believe (I could be wrong) that I’ve brought a flag to a non-1D (or 1D adjacent) show, although I HAVE seen flags at those shows, like Declan McKenna I feel like I saw a flag or two there, for instance.

But honestly anon, when I bring a flag, it is not to make myself feel safe. It’s so that someone else who is queer can see that flag and know that I am a safe person. Likewise, when I see someone else with a flag, I know that I feel safe with them. It’s a way of saying you’re not alone.

Now, it might be helpful to know that I have attended EVERY 1D/Harry/Louis/Niall concert (but one) with @lululawrence . It’s her flags that I wear. She is the best sort of person you could ever hope to attend a concert with, but that’s beside the point. My point is that the one show that I remember the most dirty looks and feeling the most uncomfortable was the one Harry show we attended in… 2021? The end of the 2021. Harry’s fan base grew EXPONENTIALLY over the pandemic. That night, we saw maybe two flags in the pit and none anywhere else. There were more people dressed as bananas than people with flags. Sus and I had the bi and ace flags, and honestly anon, I started to want to hide it. The people around us gave us looks, I heard them talking about us although I tried not to listen. I wasnt afraid for our safety, but I was viscerally aware that the people around us didn’t understand the flags and didn’t want us there.

And I had been there in Nashville at the Ryman, when every flag had been confiscated and the security had been terribly mean and Harry had had to pull out his own and set it on stage at one point when the lights went down. That had been upsetting but we had all been on the same page, the fans and Harry, that the flags were important. Post-2020, that show was different. I felt like a creature on display for people to gawk at.

So when you talk about tumblr queer culture, I don’t actually know how much this extends past 1D/Louis/Harry. But in the beginning of 2023, when Sus and I went to the first concert we had booked (we had… four or five that year), and noticed how few flags there were, the two of us were specifically worried about concerts feeling the way that one in 2021 did. That’s why we did spent the next few months sending flags to every North America Louis show (and don’t get me wrong, I’d have done his other legs if I had the money to get them flags too. But all those flags in the NorthAmerica shows? A few friends whom I ADORE helped but mostly that was almost entirely out of my own personal budget). Because we wanted to make sure that everyone felt the safety of being able to spot a flag in the crowd and know that whoever was holding it was not someone who would reject them for their gender/sexuality.

Sure, another option is that no one brings flags and we all just sit and enjoy the music. That’s really fine. But I think for our fandom in particular it’s a bit of history, of being loudly rejected during the 1D days and then surging our support for one another for the solo tours.

And tbh yeah. Okay. America is scary and people are mean and i know so so SO many people who are ONLY out online or at shows like these. I want them to know im there with them.

So, I don’t know if I answered your question well. @takemehomefromnarnia or @lululawrence or any number of other people could probably answer it better.

[giurochedadomani]

Something, something, wip, something, something, a more serious take on the mishanks reconciliation, something, something, it's unintentionally hilarious to write misunderstandings in the middle of a situation that is quite angsty.

“Shanks”. 

Benn was right, probably. Certainly. For sure. He was right about the whole, trying to make it work with Mihawk without talking things out first. It's kind of Shanks’ fault, really, the fact that things have gotten so carried out before he dared to breach the subject. 

“...It's just that you treat me like I’m made of glass, kind of? Like…”, he trails off, not sure how to state in cold facts what he perceives as Mihawk’s general unease in his presence. “With the, the migraine. Or the other day, at the bar”, or that first day, the moment he suggested going for a walk alone. The words start tumbling down in a rush the more he thinks about it. “And I get it, I do. I know you, uh, have your reservations about my current situation, but—”. 

“Shanks”. 

“I don’t think that’s fair for me, either, because it always feels as if I have to make it up to you for some unknown slight and. And. What I'm trying to say is that I know that you’re like, personally offended because I don’t have an arm, but that is much more your problem than it is mine, and while you make up your mind about—”. 

Mihawk’s hand is clammy when he puts it over his mouth, or perhaps he’s just sweaty. In the face of the swordsman’s visceral anger, Shanks almost follows the first instinct which tells him to lick it. 

Instead, he breathes laboriously through Mihawk's improvised gag until the other deems him calm enough to speak. 

“—I really, really do not need your pity”, he finishes the moment the swordsman’s hand stops silencing him, and faces the ensuing glare without so much as a twitch. 

But then the other’s shoulders’ slump and he looks… Dejected? Kind of sad. Helpless, even, even if it feels wrong to describe Mihawk as such. 

Shanks cannot, for the love of all that’s beautiful in the Grand Line, actually parse the swordsman’s behavior. He’s the one who crossed an ocean and offered him a metaphorical olive branch in the form of Luffy’s poster. If he regretted being on speaking terms with him, why has he kept coming back? What, did he expect him to have grown out his arm again, all of the sudden? 

He has even vaguely contemplated the hypothesis that Mihawk might want to get him into some kind of trap for the Marines, that the whole reconciliation is some sort of ruse, yet not even Benn buys the idea the times he’s discussed it with him. It doesn’t sound like Mihawk, agreeing to come back to Shanks just for the sake of doing the tedious, roundabout and kind of humiliating work of playing honeypot, yet— 

“...You invited me over for a drink”, Mihawk starts slowly. Weirdly insecure, for some reason? Punctuating the words as if he’s talking in a language he doesn’t totally get and wants to make sure that he’s being understood. Shanks nods, encouraging. “That then turned into a visit to Robelle, which then turned into—” us cuddling drunk on board, “me staying overnight”. Another nod. A bit puzzled, he sees how Mihawk… hesitates? And seems to think through the words before settling in: “I wasn’t sure you’d want to do that sort of thing with me. Again”, with a kind of intensity Shanks would personally reserve for relaying the location of Laugh Tale. 

…

“What, go on a date?”, he blurts, stopping on his tracks when Mihawk.

Stares.  

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part one)

I've never seen anyone talk about this and it doesn't surprise me considering most people don't really know what bipolar disorder actually is (the stereotypes are all wrong and good representation in media is rare, sigh) and while I'm not saying my interpretation is the only correct one as I'm a firm believer that anyone can see whatever they want in art and that's a beautiful thing, in my opinion there are enough things about Ivan's behaviour and character that make my bipolar Ivan Karamazov agenda worthy of being pushed a little.

This first part will be more of an introduction where I'll just talk, in general, about what I picked up on in the first half of the novel and then in the next parts (I don't know how many there'll be yet, there's a lot of stuff to say) I'll get more specific by going over Ivan's inner world and the more significant events that made me think yeah this young man definitely needs some lithium.

Let's start with this: I know every Dostoevsky character is fucked up in their own way, that's pretty much his thing, but there is a difference between being a little fucked up and being actually mentally ill. There's just something about Ivan that made something in my brain click and go bipolar, which has never really happened before.

Do I think Dostoevsky deliberately chose to make Ivan so bipolar coded? Considering at the time there was barely a name for this disorder (which isn't even the same name we use today), let alone an actual diagnosis, no. But as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I think his character makes a lot more sense if we see him as suffering from it. I even talked about this to my therapist who has read the book and he sees my vision too (lmao).

The thing that I'm sure jumps to someone's mind when it comes to Ivan and the topic of mental illness is the psychotic episode he goes through after Fyodor's murder, and while it kind of sustains my thesis on its own already, I thought he was bipolar coded way before that, because in my opinion there are a lot of subtle signs and behaviours that are kind of like little puzzle pieces that need to be put together to get to see the bigger picture, as bipolar disorder is not just the episodes someone goes through but also the impact those episodes have on them. It's a disorder that shapes the person, their brain chemistry and patterns and therefore their life in an irreversible way.

What initially struck me was how angry Ivan actually is. We don't really see it at first solely because we don't really see much of him in general, but I think that after he pushes Maksimov off the carriage without saying a word or explaining himself to his father we open some sort of Pandora's box. After that, almost every time he appears in the first half of the novel, he's angry. At the top of my head I can only think of two instances where he's not: when talking to Katerina before leaving for Moscow, which is also the first time we see him show an emotion other than anger (and it only took him, what? More than 300 pages? Yeah, relatable), and when he's at lunch with Alyosha shortly after. Other than that, he's always angry, and it's so visceral that I couldn't help but think that he feels that particular kind of deep rage only someone with bipolar disorder is capable of feeling (I personally nicknamed bipolar disorder the always fucking angry disorder). The way he's so deeply and irrationally angry that he feels himself shake and has to collect himself in order to not beat up Smerdyakov? The way he can't let it go and engages in conversation with him even though he himself doesn't even know why he's feeling or doing any of that? The way he treats his father? That's undiagnosed/untreated behaviour, I've been there. It may feel weird or even absurd if you're not familiar with this disorder, but there's a reason why the term bipolar rage is a thing: it is indeed on another level. It also seems like the only emotion he's comfortable with showing is anger and that's why it seems to be his only emotional outlet, as he didn't seem that eager to open up in front of Katerina and even when alone with his own brother you can feel some sort of awkwardness coming from him. I'll go into the specifics of that particular interaction with Alyosha in the future, but I think that after that Ivan's, very emotion-centered, character arc officially starts to develop as his relationship with his own feelings finally and slowly starts to change and becomes a tool to get him closer to the other characters. It's obviously not linear and I really like that, it feels very realistic.

Anyway, at first I thought I was just projecting, lots of people have anger issues and showing one symptom of something doesn't mean you have it, diagnostic criterias exist for a reason. The thing is, the more I read the more I noticed that not only Ivan happens to meet a lot of them, but he also shows some behaviors and has some personality traits that can easily be interpreted as bipolar coded (as I said a few paragraphs ago): his complex and peculiar type of loneliness, the emotional outbursts, his own perception of himself compared to how the other characters speak of him, his traumatic childhood, his attitude towards life (and death), the reasons behind his relationship with God and religion, his curated persona, the fact that no one seems to understand him. Not to mention he's described as having experienced depression and anguish multiple times in the past, and in a particular occasion in the novel not even knowing why (this one point in particular is very important as it connects to his attitude towards life and death, which is the most bipolar coded thing about him to me). All things I'll go over with more detail in the future when I'll get to his inner world.

For now I'll say that the main thing about bipolar disorder is that it fucks up one's emotions a lot, causing "inappropriate" or "abnormal" (for a lack of better terms) and exaggerated emotional responses and reactions in the people who have it (which usually manifest as the epic highs and lows the average person has at least heard of, but it can and does get more complicated than that) and I genuinely don't think Ivan reacts normally to anything, ever; the most noticeable thing to me is that his default reaction to anything, no matter what it is, is laughter. We also see him get extremely anxious to the point of being physically unwell and spiral a little after Smerdyakov and Fyodor tell him to go to Cermašnja due to what the former told him, which made me go damn, no one died yet and he's already paranoid?. His emotional regulation is a mess and he's so real (and bipolar) for that.

Another quite important thing about bipolar disorder is that it makes every emotion more intense to the point of confusion and being all over the place, which causes a person with bipolar disorder's emotional responses and reactions to be the way they are. Now, I'm not proclaiming myself as the one and only True Ivan Karamazov Understander, but I do think people tend to focus too much on his façade of coldness and on the darker side of his story, causing them to forget about how actually fun, passionate and almost childish he is at times. Ivan feels, and he feels deeply, and it isn't fair to overlook that just because he rarely shows it. Extreme rationality and collectedness can often also be a way to try to gain control over your symptoms (I'm guilty of that). We get to see some of his less collected emotionality in how dramatic he gets (like a true Karamazov) when reciting poetry in German to Katerina and in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor, as I already mentioned. At this point of the novel, something in particular happens and at this point in the novel I decide that yes, Ivan is bipolar coded.

I think I'll stop here at this sort of "cliffhanger" because this got quite long and I need one post only to elaborate that last paragraph. This isn't as coherent as I hoped it would be and, honestly, I kind of feel stupid, like I read too much into this and am seeing things that aren't there (how familiar, how fitting), but I wanted to share my perspective (and I'm also open to discussion!). Also, I won't lie, Ivan is my favorite character of The Brothers Karamazov and I don't think he's talked about enough, I've even seen people say he's the least interesting one out of the brothers which kind of broke my heart because I personally think he's the most interesting (no shade to the uninteresting Ivan gang of course). I don't know if I feel like that towards him because for the first time ever I got to see myself in a character and it was very important to me, but I don't think it really matters, "meeting" him made me happy and he will always be special to me, even if his story has its fair share of tragedy. Or maybe because of it. I'm planning on making a post about that and his ending in particular, but for now I'll focus on finishing this bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

No idea when I'll write the rest though, but I will.

[yuesya]

I see you've taken after the Nasuverse quite well, making so many alternate versions of your main heroine :)

This latest one actually reminds me a bit of Zero from Drakengard 3. Both of them have similar backstories, being sold into slavery and suffering a cruel betrayal at the end of it. Both have a devil may care attitude towards murder and do it on a whim or as a reflexive response. Both also share similar appearances with their stark white hair and skin.

Moreover, since Shiki probably wasn't raised as a proper young lady like her canon counterpart and being more open about her visceral desires she'd likely have a more crass vocabulary. Once agian, quite similarly to her Drakengard counterpart.

Although I am a bit befuddled about Jujutsu society's response to Shiki since it seems kind of... muted. Yes, Shiki is a special grade curse user who definitely killed her fair share of sorcerers to earn that title. However, I don't think the sorcerers would let her go around committing whatever atrocities she wanted without offering some resistance, they certainly didn't with Geto.

On that topic, Geto and Satoru would also definitely take an interest in her for a variety of reasons. Geto would likely be thrilled to have another special grade helping achieve his genocidal ambitions, especially one as murderous as Shiki. Whereas Gojo would've likely encountered her one way or another since he is already on the look out for a homicidal special grade curse user.

Although given what little we know from the AU so far it's likely Shiki would reject them both. Shiki would probably want nothing to do with Geto's dream since she'd see no difference between sorcerers and "monkeys." She would also be uninterested in making the world a better place.

As for Satoru she would probably mix with him as well as oil does with water, meaning not at all given their tense interactions in a different AU. This would likely culminate in a battle between the two leading to the infamous [REDACTED] incident, which leads to both of them developing a mutual understanding to stay out of each other's way.

There are so many AUs haha. It feels like a new one crops up whenever I turn around...

Interesting parallels to Zero! And fitting, in some ways. Araya doesn't strike me as someone who would take an active parental role for Shiki; he'd probably decide to observe her 'natural behaviors' instead. Remember how in zenith of stars Shiki experiences some struggles with her desire to 'be good' versus her instinct to kill? How she initially tried to claw out her own eyes because she recognized that humans aren't supposed to visualize death?

In this 'verse, Shiki has no such restraints tempering her. She was never taught the difference between 'right' and 'wrong.' There's only Araya, who watches her silently no matter what she does.

I haven't sorted out timeline details, but Shiki would escape from Araya sometime while Geto is at large, which means that most of the jujutsu headquarters' attention is focused on Geto as the major threat. Shiki gets mistaken for one of Geto's compatriots multiple times. Geto attempts to recruit her and fails, but he doesn't particularly mind. Shiki has killed many non-sorcerers according to her whims, after all. He probably tries to direct her towards non-sorcerers as best as he can from the sidelines.

Shiki comes into prominence after Geto's death, and that's when people start realizing that this girl is a lot more dangerous than she seems at first glance. There are multiple sorcerers sent after her -all are killed. They need to cut their losses, and their last resort is Gojo Satoru-

But what if Gojo tries to recruit her to his side? The girl is like a wild beast that can't be controlled; worse than Tsukumo ever was. What kind of damage would she cause? What if Gojo succeeded in taming her? Which probably then leads into the attempt to bribe Shiki out of Japan with one of Sukuna's fingers.

I haven't made up my mind on how the meeting between Shiki and Satoru would go, but lots of collateral damage sounds like it would be on the right track haha.

[snakeautistic]

I don’t like how deeply judgmental of a person I am.

This judgement comes in two strains- one, hatred of things I label as vapid or associate with people who have hurt me. I am insecure about the way someone treats me so I (internally) make fun of their test scores. I want to think, look I am better than them! So I mock them for traits I know aren’t actually fair to mock them for, but are ones I don’t possess so I can feel better about myself.

The second kind is one directed towards people like me. Usually those who are more visually neurodivergent than me. It’s an intense, visceral sort of second hand embarrassment. I cover my ears to avoid having to hear them speak to the class. Every time they do something I know other people will see as strange I scream inside “Stop!! You aren’t supposed to do that!” How can they not tell everyone is making fun of them? Why can’t they just tone it down? … At least I’m not THAT obvious…

I’m ashamed of both of those things. Not only are they shitty to people who haven’t done anything wrong, they only serve to make me feel bad anyway. I don’t really feel better about myself even if I put a more “popular” person down for no good reason, when the truth is I’m still incredibly jealous of their effortless social prowess. It’s not a bad thing for other autistic people to not repress themselves as much as I have. Hell, I’m trying to unmask myself. I shouldn’t cringe at their neurodivergent behavior, I should embrace it. But it’s a hell of a thing to unlearn. I try my hardest to redirect my energy to punching up towards powerful corporations, and only negatively judging people for things they do that are legitimately hurting others.

[naamahdarling]

I'm creating a Eldritch horror story and I'm trying to base it off my own fears. Following that same logic, what kind of cosmic horror would you make?

I was raised with Lovecraft stories (paraphrased at first) as bedtime stories, so I sort of have eldritch/cosmic horror in my blood. I really really really love it.

The Magnus Archives hit it so far out of the park that any sort of eldritch powers fiction I create after this is now going to have to reckon with its presence in the genre. I...do not feel I personally have anything to add to that specific sort of angle after what they produced. Genuinely. Which doesn't mean I won't create, just that I'm aware that whatever I do isn't going to expand or encapsulate the genre the way TMA did.

I really like anthology horror in general, where related works are grouped by a theme, and the whole "witness statements" format that was a prominent part of TMA (and plenty of others) is VERY appealing to me as a fan of real-world weird occurrences, creepypasta, and personal stories of paranormal events, so the sort of thing I would be most likely to create would be a series of accounts or events relating to the same horrible subject.

I have decided that doing it as Magnus Archives fsnfiction would work just fine. Zero of the same characters showing up. Just witness statements. I actually have several written but I want to finish out the suite of Fears with one for each.

The other thing that really appeals to me is the idea that the monstrous and eldritch can be welcome, especially the influence of it on our bodies, but also in terms of the power that being truly feared gives uz. That the terrible chsnges that happen to you can be, somehow, revelatory and identity-affirming. That's a very trans/disabled/etc. theme.

What about the existential horror you would feel as you become LESS monstrous? That the thing that sets you apart and maybe hurts you but also makes you very powerful is suddenly leaving you. Now you are becoming just like the people that your pride in your monstrousness was intended to spite. How, then, can we be monstrous, be OURSELVES, when no-one can see our monstrousness? When we no longer have access to the Secrets and the Horrors and the Powers and the Knowledge, when that which is Other and Unknowable and Terrifying has left us, what do we do?

What if what most would consider "healing" actually destroyed something in the core of us? What if you grew back a wounded part of yourself and it grew back wrong" is an idea mined often enough in cosmic horror to be recognizable. What if growing back "wrong" meant growing back "normal?"

So I would very much enjoy writing a story where the angle was not "healing is scary to those who have been harmed, but it is ultimately for the best UwU" but "being forced to change to align with what others think is good and healthy until you AGREE WITH THEM is the REAL horror." Something I think most queer/trans people and most disabled people will instinctively grasp.

But I would like to extend that to specifically survivors of trauma, who can feel the sickening pressure of being told at every turn that their role now is to work to "get over" and "recover" from something the world did to them when others' definition of "recovery" (a return to normal, or the ability to re-engage with what traumatized them) can feel immediately, viscerally wrong. A denial of the injured state of the self, a shifting of the responsibility onto the traumatized person and away from external change and justice and restoration. A huge force you don't understand trying to change you or warping things around you? That's cosmic horror, baby. The force trying to change you is just "We need you to stop being different now." And you don't understand why you should want to.

I'm wrestling with this right now in therapy and getting almost nowhere by the standards by which most people define "recovery" because I refuse to see why on earth I should be the one to change or why my hate/anger is a problem I should solve to make things easier in the future for the same kind of people who hurt me.

At my core what I most want is for them to be absolutely terrified of me.

So there's a lot to work with there.

[sugarsnappeases]

WHO UP LILYROSEKILLING THEMSELVES?!

if yes, i have (unedited, be nice to me) snippetty-snip ❤️

When she turns to look at them again, inevitable really, a sort of irresistible pull - she’s curious about them, fascinated for some reason, inexplicably drawn to them - they aren’t in the booth anymore. Instead, her eyes find them out on the dance floor, which has filled considerably in the couple of hours since she’s been here - she’s sure it must be after midnight by now, and the whole place is bustling. There’s still quite a bit of space on the dance floor though, despite all the people, and the two men aren’t using any of it; they exist entirely in each other’s personal space, hands everywhere, dancing, or grinding really, so close together that they almost look like one conjoined creature.

The blond has his hands in the jeans backpocket of the lanky one, who has his face buried in the blond’s neck, folded over him in a way that should look comical but is making Lily blush a little. It’s just - intimate, they’re entirely in their own world, clearly obsessed with each other, devoted, and Lily thinks that’s something that she would really quite like to experience for herself. Maybe James had been obsessed with her, the way he chased after her for years, but she thought that he had probably been more obsessed with the idea of her than who she actually was, not that she really allowed anyone to see who she actually was back then, but anyway these two, out on the dance floor, are obsessed with each other in a way that ran deeper than appearances and expectations. 

They’re obsessed with each other down to the very marrow, cutting each other open and revelling in, revering, every drop of blood that spills, she thinks that they would probably let each other be messy and selfish and angry and cruel and awful and that they would look at the rot that lived inside the other, the knives, the imperfection, and still never let them go, still worship the ground they walked on. Lily didn’t actually know them, but looking at them - the blond one’s hands moving out of the jeans’ pockets and moving to slide under their waistband instead, the lanky one bringing a hand up and running it through the blond one’s hair, pulling his head back to lock their lips together - she’s sure that she’s right.

She’s also probably jealous, and projecting, and delusional. 

And drunk. 

It’s the last of these factors that makes her think fuck it, maybe she doesn’t need to try and forget about them, maybe she can down her drink, leave the guy who’s name she still can’t remember at the bar, and head out onto the dancefloor. 

More than the alcohol, she’s also promised herself that she’s going to try new things and do what she wants without waiting for permission from some impossible higher power, and what she wants right now is to slide herself in between these two men and hope that they’ll decide to worship the ground that she walks on too. 

It’s something visceral, the way she wants them, something she doesn’t think she’s ever fully felt about a person, or people, before, that kind of instinctive hungering that makes her want to dig her fingernails into their skin and never let go, makes her want to become a part of their conjoined creature, to make a monstrosity - a freak, Petunia would say, but Lily likes the sound of it this time, because she is feeling a little freaky, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. 

She isn’t entirely sure how she manages it, what with the way they’re plastered against each other, with the way they’re dancing and kissing and clinging to each other, there shouldn’t be room for anything between the two of them. Maybe they see her coming and separate slightly, or maybe she forces them apart and works her way in herself, but either way she ends up standing between the two of them, the lanky one behind her and the blond in front of her. The top two buttons of the blond’s shirt are now undone and it’s making her feel a little weak in the knees as one set of hands settles on her hips and another wraps around her waist. He smiles at her, bright, white teeth, and his eyes, level with hers as she stands in her heels, are a piercing blue, that same curiosity mixed with something a little more feral. 

“We were hoping you’d come over,” he says, and if the three of them weren’t pressed together so tightly she thinks she might have fallen over then, because that’s an entirely unfair thing to say to her. As it is, the lanky one is draping himself over her in the same way that he had been draping himself over the blond earlier and really, if they felt her sway a little in their arms she was sure she could just pretend she was dancing.

It’s a little overwhelming, how immediately connected she feels to them, in the way those blue eyes are staring into hers, and in the way there are hands holding her like she’s something precious, a treasure, and in the way there’s a chin resting on her shoulder now; the two men welcoming her into their dynamic like she was made to fit there, in between them. She thinks she could get addicted to it, obsessed with it, very easily - it might even have happened already.

She leans back against the chest of the lanky one, turning her head to try and get his face in her line of vision. His eyes are a greenish sort of hazel, glinting with that same intensity that seems to exist in everything these two do, and she smiles at him as he moves his head to look at her better. 

“I kinda wanna kiss your boyfriend, if you don’t mind,” she says, smile turning into a grin, once again thinking fuck it and turning back to face the blond one before the lanky one can reply, lifting her hands to tangle them in his hair, mussing it up more, pulling his face to hers and pressing their lips together.

[undertheopensky]

WAIT ACE FOUR 👀👀👀👀👀👀

Asdfgh this one is both my baby and the one I hoped no one would notice -

Fuck this'll be a long one

First off, it's A/B/O verse, but it's not even slightly about the sex. It's more exploring what it's like being in a world that's obsessed with sex when you're... not. And everyone thinks there's something wrong with you, you must have had bad experiences, you must be sick, you must need to be fixed -

It's an incredibly unsubtle allegory for my own experiences as an ace person in reality.

In this, Four as a person operates as a collective of the Colours; though each of them is an individual they contribute to the whole. They're always present, and Four as 'himself' is not a separate person. However, they're not 'out' to the Chain yet.

Each of the Colours is asexual, in a slightly different way:

Red is sex-repulsed. He dislikes sex and the sensations, and finds it unpleasant, uncomfortable, and gross.

Vio is sex indifferent to mildly repulsed. He's fairly neutral on the sensations, sliding towards the repulsed end of the scale; he finds it somewhere between annoying, unpleasant, and boring. Sometimes he finds a morbid sort of academic interest only to wind up grossing himself out.

Blue is severely sex repulsed. He viscerally dislikes the concept of sex, the sensations involved, and even the sensation of arousal - he finds the whole thing disgusting and horrifying and awful, and it makes him nauseous just thinking about it.

Green is sex favourable. He still doesn't experience sexual attraction, but he's the only one of the four who finds the associated sensations pleasant. Privately, he considers himself a little weird for it, and tries not to let on to the others that it bothers him, that he likes something they all consider something between ‘meh’ and ‘disgusting’.

All the above^? Is compounded by the fact that as Four, they're biologically an omega. Heats induce arousal and sexual interest - which three out of four of them actively dislike, and the fourth isn't actually all that interested in to boot. Add in the way it makes it hard to focus and think, and their 'collective' breaks down.

This is all made worse by the exploration of being transgender in an A/B/O verse - Red and Vio are omegas, and Blue and Green are alphas. So everyone feels wrong and horrible and wants to die whenever heats come around. They're constantly switching in and out of control, upset over the sensations, sick and miserable and horrified, fighting with each other and knowing the whole time they can't fix it and wanting it all to stop -

When I first designed this verse and got stuck into it, I wasn't diagnosed at the time, but it turns out I have quite severe PMDD, so I was most DEFINITELY projecting on Four. Regularly dealing with something that everyone else thinks is no big deal when it's literally a struggle not to go fetch a knife from the kitchen -?

In general, the verse looks at being ace in a world that has no concept of it, various forms of aphobia including in a medical setting, the difficulty of your own body betraying you and having literally no one who understands.

(Though at the very least, the Colours have each other.)

[diabolikpersonals]

sorry for such a broad question but in your opinion is laito a well written character relative to everyone in diabolik? i really Want to learn more about him but i also dont want to subject myself to All That and i just want to know if he's worth reading about or just a pile of interesting plot threads thrown together for shock factor and unfulfilled thematically.

like my current personal opinion (may be wrong) is that i dont feel satisfied with the idea of yui's love or proactiveness fixing laito in any way because it doesn't mesh well with the actual ideas surrounding his character and unpacking that love is not poison goes beyond romantic love or a singular place of understanding. additionally it doesn't feel earned it feels like a chore for the player to trudge though for the sake of reading. i dont want to read laito's story that bad if it's the case yet im intrigued by the things offered by his character like the processing of the deeply visceral way csa shatters who you are

I wanted to wait till I finished his CL to answer so I'd be fully caught up with laito's routes, but that'll take too long so.....!! I might change my answer later!! lmao

[tw laito stuff, csa and suicide, yeah]

I do think Laito's a well-written character but his stuff is really difficult to get through if you have certain triggers, so it's tough to recommend. Even beyond the csa stuff, Laito is in a real hurry to die and he makes several attempts throughout the series. There's a certain unique sort of awfulness, at least for me, involving scenes where a character fails a suicide attempt and then get even more upset and desperate about it. So I understand what you mean when you say you're not excited about putting yourself through it. They were the hardest routes for me to get through too :')

A lot of earlier games suffer from endings that are like "And the two lived happily ever after, and we're not gonna unpack all that stuff!" and Laito's routes are no exception, but if you can look past that and make it to LE, I wouldn't say that Laito gets fixed. He has an ending similar to Ayato's that's like, it feels like we fixed everything but in reality we couldn't overcome the core issue! They really seem to believe that Laito absolutely can't be happy or live a normal life the way he is now. He has to die and/or rewrite his memories to be comfortable loving someone. It's up to your tastes if that's satisfying or not, but I kind of love the bittersweetness of LE endings, and the way they feel like a happy ending until you think about them a little too hard.

What's interesting is that Yui's purehearted love often hurts Laito more than it helps him. He responds to love, from Yui or from his family members, with revulsion. There's jealousy when he interacts with straightforward characters like Yui or Ayato, like "If only I could be as simple and pure as you, but nope, I can't." He's very self-aware for a diaboy, which only makes it hurt more when he keeps arriving at the conclusion that he's rotten. He definitely makes progress, which is really satisfying to see, like how he gradually allows Ayato back in his life emotionally. But as of right now, the end of his arc is so, like, "I tried, really I did! But my perspective on love is fucked and I need a hard reset! Maybe I'll be normal in the next life but definitely not this one!! Bye!"

...So, it's hard to say if you'll be happy with it. I see a lot of mixed opinions concerning the LE endings. They often give the diaboy what he wants but not what he needs, so you're left going, "Wait, I don't know about this...!" A lot of people really hate these endings, but they actually get more interesting to me the more conflicted they make me feel...and oh boy, was I conflicted about this one! :'D

If it sounds interesting to you, too, and you don't mind some pretty brutal scenes along the way, give Laito's routes a try. His HDB will definitely make you mad though lol

[zeephyre]

CR3 EPISODE 65 SPOILERS HOLY FUCK

IMOGEN AND LAUDNA KISSED?!!?!-72828_ LAURA BAILEY ALMOST GAVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK LIKE OBVIOUSLY I COULD SENSE THE TENSION BETWEEN THEM THE WHOLE EPISODE AND I KNEW THAT AFTER SEPARATING THEIR RELATIONSHIP WOULD SHIFT BUT I WASN'T EXCEPTING THEM TO ACTUALLY KISS TONIGHT???#?1)£ I LITERALLY YELPED IN TERROR I THOUGHT I WAS HALLUCINATING IM SO GIDDY RIGHT NOW

god chetney totally clocked them, it's so funny bc they were NAWT subtle -- also, patê low-key exposing them and laudna very subtly (not) changing the subject... chef's kiss.

this episode????? was so good??? i am so happy that my hellians are back together??? i can barely focus rn so I'll try to remember all the good bits (which was the whole episode).

fcg and ashton -- im really glad ash specifically told fcg to hold onto the feelings they have for frida to give them smth to come home to, bc he's brought up how self destructive fcg can get bc they don't consider themself important. it was a very cute moment, and i almost cried bc i love ashton and... idk. he's not coping.

ashton gave me very manic energy this episode. a lot of emotional distress disguised as an epiphany, but that moment of them telling fcg that they can't afford to be useless explained every second of flustered panic.

(not to be that person but i uh...i am starting to ship milo and ashton. i liked it before but now i REALLY like it).

i need to know wtf talie and matt have cooked up those little bastards.

chetney getting caught in a trap almost immediately after ajit warned them to be careful or whatever was pretty funny. the whole time that was going down i kept thinking, "the world is ending. we have better shit to be thinking abt than this fr," and not in a bad way. it's just ??? bro who cares who hired you, we are BUSY. i knew chetney attacking that shop keeper was gonna bite him in the ass, and it honestly was hilarious.

i know it was just casual and also sort of a trick, but i loved fearne giving chet a little kiss. they are so real to me y'all don't understand.

i have a very complicated relationship with the matron, bc i love her aesthetic, love her vibe (tho i hate birds, but i love a raven motif), and i also will never forgive her for taking my skrunkly wunkle away from me. that shared vision between orym, chet and fearne was... fucking amazing. matt outdid himself this episode fr. it's probably one of my favourite scenes of this whole campaign.

speaking of which... VAX SCREAMING???? HE'S IN PAIN????????? LET MY BABY GIRL OUT????? I STARTED FUCKING BAWLING NO JOKE. The imagery was so visceral i felt sick to my stomach and i just started tearing up. ludinus your days are fucking numbered.

SPEAKING OF THAT WHITE HAIRED OLD BITCH. HE'S ON THE FAWKING MOON WITH LILIANA???? IRA IS ALSO ON THE MOON???? WITH A REILORA???? AND WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO THE MOON AT SOME POINT??????? I LOVE THIS CAMPAIGN RAHAHWHSHJSJ

:( still no caleb safety confirmation but i think he's fine guys what could have possibly gone wrong /s.

we're in zephrah 🥺 i knew the episode was about to end, and it was so damn beautiful, but i can't wait until thursday. we're gonna see kiki. we have to tell her abt vax, but i also don't want her to know that he's suffering.

is it thursday yet :(

[22degreehalo]

It's just. a weird feeling when for seemingly every other queer person, stories are about seeing yourself, and imagining things for yourself, and putting your own life on the screen, and all of that.

Because like. as an aro/ace. stories have always been, at least in part, about getting to experience things that I can't IRL. That's my personal relationship to stories: it's specifically about people who aren't me. And I can read stories about people like me! And there's a lot of value in that! But there's a real, tangible value in the opposite, too.

It's like... reading stories about other people in love is an expression of my aromanticism. It's inextricable from it. It's not 'representation' in the way we usually think about it, but finding stories that hit in the right kind of way - that express that love in the way I can feel it myself, viscerally - is an act of my aromanticism. I wouldn't be doing it otherwise. And I'd be a less happy person if I couldn't do it.

And it's. Kind of unintentionally isolating and lonely in queer art spaces sometimes because of that. When everyone is creating things based on their own experiences, or what they want to do, and talking about that reality/art blur like it's a universal experience... When for me, blurring the line between art and reality too much actually... makes it less accessible. Because it hits too close and triggers my lack of attraction to make itself known.

And that's something I really like about... more metaphorical or abstract queer themes, I guess? People get down on that sort of thing for 'not being explicit' or whatever, but paradoxically, it's exactly that lack of direct relatability that makes me actually able to vibe with it. (Not to mention that anything intended to be directly relatable is... almost always not, which is a not very unisolating thing to experience and be aware of.)

I guess I'm just. Trying to think through my own experiences and see them as something of value, and not just me Doing Queerness Wrong, which is always my first (and usually my last) thought on the matter. It feels stupid and weird to claim that romance stories are a part of the nature of aromanticism, and even more so to claim that there can be something especially aromantically relevant about them. But when a story can capture some of that feel of being aro/ace - that isolation and loneliness, the self-consciousness, the discomfort that never quite goes away, the thinking this is something you'll never get to have, the catharsis of finding a way to love and be happy that works even if it doesn't look like how you always imagined...

I don't know. Maybe I'm kidding myself to think that 'stories about people who think they'll never get to be in love, realising that they are in love and it's beautiful' could ever be a healthy thing for a self-hating aspec to consume. But I also know that reading those kinds of things is sometimes the closest I come to feeling like an actual person who belongs in this world. And there's... something to that, either way. Even if it's an unhealthy something.

I don't mind it being unhealthy so long as it actually means something. Something that matters.

[asteroidtroglodyte]

[exert of a conversation between Martin Scorsese, Paul Shrader, and Roger Ebert from 1976 regarding Scorsese’s 1973 film Goncharov]

…

Scorsese: Because there's a lot of violence to this picture, some of the New York reviews are calling it an exploitation film. Jesus! I went flat broke making this film! My films haven't made a lot of money, you know? Right now, I'm living off my next film.

Schrader: If it's an exploitation film, I wish we had a dollar for every time you were told it would never be a success at all. That screenplay got turned down by everybody.

Scorsese: We showed it to some New York media educators, and I thought we'd get lynched! We showed it to some student editors...there was this wise guy there I recognized from a screening we had of "Alice." He asks whether, after all my success, I'm about ready to fall on my ass. I've hardly gotten started!

Schrader: You got zero valid reactions immediately after the screenings. The immediate response is usually very visceral and angry, but I remember, this one, silence. The anger came later. But, if this film weren't controversial, there'd be something wrong with the country.

Ebert: What you give us in this guy, Goncharov, who comes from nowhere - we get hardly any background - eventually we realize he's seething inside, he's got all this violence bottled up....

Scorsese: And he goes back again and again to where the violence is. One of the reviewers, I think it was Andrew Sarris, said how many times can you use [The Clocks] as a metaphor for hell? But that's the thing about hell - it goes on and on. And he couldn't get out of it. But you're right that we don't tell you where he comes from, or what his story is. Obviously, he comes from somewhere and he picked up these problems along the way.

Schrader: You told me you wrote it that way after thinking about the way they handled "In Cold Blood." They tell you all about Perry Smith's background, how he developed his problems, and immediately it becomes less interesting because his problems aren't your problems, but his symptoms are your symptoms.

Ebert: Pauline Kael has said that Scorsese, Robert Altman and Francis Ford Coppola are the three most interesting directors in the country right now - and that it might be due to their Catholicism, that after Watergate, the nation feels a sort of guilt and needs to make a form of reparation, and that Catholics understand guilt in a way that others don't, that they were brought up on it.

Scorsese: Guilt. There's nothing you can tell me about guilt.

Schrader: I've got a lot of Protestant guilt.

Scorsese: You can't make movies any more in which the whole country seems to make sense. After Vietnam, after Watergate, it's not just a temporary thing; it's a permanent thing the country's going through. All the things we held sacred - the whole Time-Life empire...whoosh! Well, Time's still left.

Ebert: In a lot of your movies, there's this… ambivalent attitude, toward women. The men are fascinated by women, but they don't quite know how to relate to them...

Scorsese: The goddess-whore complex. You're raised to worship women, but you don't know how to approach them on a human level, on a sexual level. That's the thing with Katya, with Sofia, he loves them but he doesn’t really see them as people. They go from garbage to goddess and back and forth.

Ebert: I’m reminded of Katya with the candles in her bedroom.

Scorsese: Exactly, she's like a saint to him! He can't imagine these people treating her the way they do. Before he goes to avenge her, it's almost like he cleanses himself, like in "The Virgin Spring" when Max von Sydow scourges himself with the branches before he goes out to avenge his daughter's death.

Schrader: We actually had that shot in the movie, and we took it out. Goncharov whips himself with a towel before he goes out with his guns. We took it out because it looked a little forced and unnatural.

Scorsese: But the Catholic thing? I suppose there are a lot of Catholic references in the film, even if they're only my own personal reference. Like the moment when he burns the flowers before he goes out to kill. And when he's buying the guns and the dealer lays them out one at a time on the velvet, like arranging the altar during Mass.

…