#a character study of some sort like people are too individually fascinating to me

[rvby]

it rly is something so unimaginable to me to be into smth at such a high level and not have endured severe trauma to get to that point. being so wholly engrossed in it that the moment you step outside into freedom for the first time you realize how much has been stolen from you. how much youve lost. how much youve endured. how little you really truly know about yourself and the world and everything outside of it bc thats all your life has been and the abject fear that thats all your life will be and knowing that you cant back out now or everything will have been for nothing but is that so wrong. cant it all just be for nothing in the end.

[m1dori-eyes]

Be wary of linguistics rant, Elden Ring ahead

Ok so I just made a different post about this but I need to elaborate: The Elden Ring messaging system is legitimately such an interesting microcosm about how language is used as a tool and shaped to suit the needs it's being used for. I could actually make an entire study about how this can be used to better understand the formation of pidgin languages in the same way that epidemiologists studied the Corrupted Blood Incident in World of Warcraft to better understand the mechanics of how disease affects human behavior. Video games as an academic lens into peoples' minds has always been a fascinating topic to me, and by the end of this, you'll see why.

First off, message.

So for those not indoctrinated into the series/game, Elden Ring is a big open world game made by From Software, which won game of the year 2022 among some other awards (if you've played it or know anything about it, just skip to the next header). Each player plays as a Tarnished and explores this massive environment called The Lands Between individually, but if another player is walking in the same area that you are, you can see their "ghost" moving through the world, and you can "invade" or "be summoned" into another player's iteration of the world in order to briefly interact with it before returning to your own iteration. This occupies a weird space in between singleplayer and multiplayer, with these heavily limited and kind of random methods of interaction between players, but that's not the most interesting way of communicating with your fellow Tarnished; that title goes to the messages system. You can write a message onto a small stone, and leave it on the ground, and then that little stone with the message on it will have a random chance to appear in any player's iteration of the world for them to read. This is a tradition which has been going in From Software's games long since before the inception of Elden Ring, although I'm mostly going to be focusing on the message system of that title, because documenting the history of the 13+ years running Soulsbourne franchise is way too much, even for a nerd like me. The point is that messages are a lot more likely to be seen than any other method of player-to-player interaction, and you can even leave little "gestures" to go with them, where the reader can see your character striking a pose while they read the message. What a neat little mechanic, which definitely doesn't have any hidden layers of depth, and certainly wouldn't spawn an entire emergent system of pseudolinguistics, right?

No message ahead, be wary of mimicry

Well, when I said that messages are written by other players, that was a lie. To make a message, you don't type it out with your keyboard, you select what you want to say, from a big list of preset phrases. It works that way for a lot of reasons, foremost of all as a profanity filter, but also to prevent too many spoilers and maintain atmosphere. The sets of phrases are incredibly limiting, famously requiring players to use weird fake old-english diction in order to express a simple thought (Strong foe ahead, be weary of death. Look carefully ahead, visions of item. Suffering, o suffering, why is it always bad luck? etc). This seems like a limitation which would put a serious damper on anyone trying to actually communicate their thoughts, but gamers are a persistent sort, and have a lot of trouble taking no for an answer. They also have way too much time on their hands, and like to solve puzzles, a terrifying combination of traits, and the perfect one to accidentally create a conlang. With the unexpectedly massive audience that this game picked up on launch, millions of people left messages desperately trying to get something across, and if the game's preset vocabulary didn't contain the phrases to express it, they would forge their own path. Any big fans of linguistic history can already tell the direction that this might be going, as we move on into the next chapter:

Teacher, Liar, Lovable Sort

When the game released, there was chaos. The Lands Between are fraught with hidden passages, deception, and blatant bullshit, and the first kind of players leaving messages tried to helpfully communicate what you could trust, and what you couldn't. This is what the message system was intended for after all, giving advice to your peers, and what many people still use it for today. The second kind of players tried to do the opposite, deliberately leading people to their doom, just because they could. The third, and most numerous sort, were simply awestruck at everything the game had to offer, and left a series of remarks on the beauty and humor of the world. The messages left by each group are pretty easy to differentiate to the trained eye, which is the main feature causing me to point out this division of players. Let's call these groups the teachers, the liars, and the lovable sorts. A teacher can be recognized if their messages suggest something within reason, and being backed up by the peer-review of nearby messages to the same effect. If three messages are all sitting on the ground next to eachother, each saying something along the lines of "seek up, look carefully ahead", then a local collage of teachers are trying to let you know about a secret path ahead leading you up towards a hidden objective. However, a single message next to a bloodstained cliff-edge stating "jumping required ahead" is almost certainly a liar, trying to deceive an unsuspecting player into making a dubious leap. Liars sometimes use slightly simpler grammar than teachers do, being less committed to getting their point across. Wait a minute, linguistic variance based on intent? No no, this is just a video game about fighting monsters, surely such an interesting emergent system wouldn't arise from something like that. Lastly, the lovable sorts have the most ranging grammar, spanning from a simple word such as "dog" (a word used colloquially to describe all creatures, from turtles to dragons), to complex sentences requiring the combination of many phrases. However, a lovable sort can be differentiated by the fact that they merely remark upon the world as it is, instead of trying to offer advice to other players, as a teacher or liar might. Some of their most iconic phrases are "Elden ring ahead", used to sarcastically denote a dead end where a player might have been expecting treasure, "you don't have the right, o, you don't have the right" which indicates a locked door, or the world-famous "try finger, but hole", a phrase which explains itself. The most incredible thing about the words of the lovable sort, is that they all require a little bit of thinking to understand their actual meaning, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes like a second language to you! Wait a minute, a second language?

Message? Wasn't expecting introspection

As time went on, the three main groups of message-writers still kept chugging along, creating new works of writing every day, but advancements in understanding of the game's inner workings allowed these messages to become more and more complex. Compound words started to be formed to represent concepts outside of the preset vocabulary, like "skeleton, house" for coffin, "dung, key" to describe the donkeys accompanying traveling merchants, and "edge, lord" being used to refer to the NPC Ensha, a man wearing flamboyant armor made out of bones who takes himself way too seriously. It's worth noting in this section that for a specific period of time, The Lands Between were overtaken by a horde of messages stating only the words "fort, night". Despite the crude and humorous nature of the entire thing, it was clear to see that the linguistic patterns of the Elden Ring community were evolving into their own beast, far beyond the usages that the developers had intended. Words had shed their original meaning, to instead take up contextual meanings based on how players used them, effectively becoming different words entirely. Depending on how you define this, it's either a microcosm of incredibly fast and severe linguistic drift, or the emergence of a new pidgin or conlang entirely. If you really stretch things, you could almost call the message system of Elden Ring an entirely new language in and of itself.

Well done, victory ahead!

I think that video games are an excellent way to observe human behavior under conditions which are controlled, accelerated, and completely recordable, and this is the closest that we've ever seen to an entire language growing completely from scratch. People are always the same, whether you want to call it instinct or just cyclical tendencies, but normally the formation of a new language can take incredible periods of time, hastened only by tragic events like diaspora or massive losses of cultural knowledge (research what's been happening to Gaelic as a spoken language for more info about this sort of thing, it's kind of depressing but is also important to learn about, and there's a lot of people on this site talking about it who can do the topic way more justice than I can). Even for other topics which either require great passage of time, or great tragedy in order to research (I.E. geology or epidemiology, respectively), there are a lot of simulations and predictive models which can tell us how these systems behave without actually experiencing them. Linguistics has never had this sort of thing...until now, perhaps. Obviously there won't be any academic breakthroughs based on a bunch of people online all writing "rump ahead", but it's an incredibly interesting thing to see happening for a field which is so hard to actively advance, and it could lead to actual scientific methods of generating new languages via human interaction for research purposes. Of course, there's always the sizable chance that this goes nowhere and I just wrote this insane rant because I like to type, but if nothing else, I at the very least exposed some of my mutuals to "try finger, but hole".

[pallastronomy]

3 (both in and outside of frontier!), 5, and 12 for the revstar ask game!! teehee :3c

Going to try so hard not to give multiple answers for these but am probably going to fail lmao

Putting this below the cut. Azure ramble purposes you know how it is

3. What is your favorite friendship / character dynamic from the franchise?

In Frontier? Aruru and Shizuha hands down. It’s a dynamic I don’t think gets explored enough which makes me sad bc the parallels are there!! Albeit for different reasons both of them were terrified of aiming for position zero and bottling up parts of themselves for fear of hurting people and ending up alone and it’s just. Something about Aruru finally giving Shizuha the push she needed to keep moving forward and Shizuha being the one spearheading the effort to give that same push back to Aruru in Arcana Arcadia is just. Augh. My fucking heart. I want them to bond over that more in the future I want Aruru and Shizuha rivalry with the mutual understanding of ‘I don’t have to hold back or hide anything from you no matter what happens or where we go from here’ please

Aruru and Misora is a very close second bc hehe… the siblings ever. And also bc I am very very partial to friendships with my kins that remind me of me and my best friend and Aruru and Misora is definitely one of those lmao.

As for outside of Frontier? Uhhh. Literally any Fumi dynamic but Tamafumi and Akifumi especially. Idk what it is they just fucking fascinate me I want to study them under a microscope.

5. What is your favorite revue song?

Gotta hand it to Koi no Makyuu. I’m an absolute fucking sucker for good brass sections I’m sorry. Super Star Spectacle, Wagamama Highway (but specifically That One Section in the middle. You know the one), Hokori to Ogori, and Starlight are really close, and Yami o Terasumono gets an honourary mention by virtue of both being a banger and killing me instantly in context

12. What character(s) do you wish you knew more about/had a better read on?

Uhhh Seiran and Siegfeld juniour high kids by virtue of ‘I don’t know anything about them because I’ve barely seen them storywise’ but in regards to characters I’ve seen in action…. Surprise it’s a Frontier answer again. I’d have to say Lalafin on that front! I’d like to think I have decent understanding of Misora + Tsukasa + Shizuha and Aruru is… well. That’s literally me lmao. But I just don’t have that with Lalafin for some reason. I wanna know more about her man! There’s a level of understanding with what we know of the others’ backgrounds (and Shizuha and Tsukasa’s first year) where it sort of clicks that ‘oh yeah that’s why they do this or that’ but Lalafin just. Evades me. Maybe it’s because the info is scarce since the Frontier kids as individuals haven’t really been a focus until AA or maybe I’m just not picking it up but I’d love to be able to piece her together like I do the others. I’d also love to dig into more stuff with Shizuha just bc of the very clear density of stuff she’s got going on that I want to pick apart the details of more but she’s got more to work with too so. Honestly I’d kill for a better read on literally all of the non-Aruru Frontier kids. I want them to get more screentime I want more to work with! I want what Arcana Arcadia gave me with insight into Aruru but for the other four they deserve it I want to study them all

[septembersghost]

This is random but did you also avoid the Depp/Heard trial? Not because you didn’t care, but just because it was too overwhelming and unpleasant to engage with.

i did avoid diving too far into that sphere intentionally, though of course i still saw news about it through cultural osmosis and the high profile nature of the case, and some of the things online being so downright evil that others couldn't help but comment on them (understandably). i actually still have an article from the atlantic last year saved in my drafts about this (this piece), and i think it's an important, illuminating read, and i've actually been thinking about it a lot again over the past couple of weeks. :/ (the article author kaitlyn tiffany also wrote in 2020 about fandom conspiracy theories is also such an important piece imho, though a disquieting read.)

"

The case is complicated, and the testimony is rife with sordid, disturbing details. In short, Depp has taken Heard to court for defamation over a 2018 essay she published in The Washington Post that identified her as a victim of domestic abuse and sexual violence. Heard also made abuse allegations when she filed for divorce from Depp in early 2016, and was granted a restraining order against him.

Rebecca felt betrayed by Depp when Heard came forward with her story, and has since renounced her fandom. But she’s been positively horrified by the behavior of Depp’s other fans, who have spent the past several years trying to discredit Heard as a “gold digger” and a “monster.” (I agreed to identify Rebecca by only her first name because she was concerned about harassment from this community.)

 ...For Millennials in particular, she told me, fans’ sense of their own morality is deeply entwined with fandom. “We hang so much of our own identity on these things that we love,” she said. “So if those things are threatened, you either have to admit that you’re sort of a bad person for liking those things or you have to convince yourself that everyone else is wrong.”

Hilde Van den Bulck, a professor of communication at Drexel University, has studied the version of fandom that inverts its practices and creates a community of denigration. Where fandom tends to derive from a positive emotion (I love this actor; I love that character), anti-fandom draws from just the opposite, and nurtures negative feelings toward a famous person or character. Fans and anti-fans both express themselves through online sleuthing: They hang on the object of their fascination’s every word, and analyze every detail of that person’s wardrobe and hairstyling and self-presentation. “Anti-fans know as much about their object of anti-fandom as fans do about their object of fandom,” Van den Bulck said. Their relationship with the celebrity they despise is “often very deep, very emotional.”"

idk i have a lot of things i could write about and delve into with this given more current events, but this exemplifies a lot of where fandom's problems with women intersect with confused ideas about social justice and morality intersect with emotions about things we love intersect with the very incorrect idea that enjoying a work of art or an artist is equivalent to endorsement of everything they do, and it's so complex. absolutely we should hold people accountable, absolutely people should be called out for harmful actions and behavior (be that abuse, racism, misogyny, homophobia, -isms and hurt or disregard for others of any kind), and it should not be tolerated. at the same time, i do worry that overcorrection in tying things we enjoy to morality is leading to us punishing each other for the bad actions of individuals far out of our control, and that doesn't solve the problem or help uplift anyone.

sorry, this got super off-topic! but i understand why you tried to avoid it, because it was overwhelming and unpleasant and triggery, and revealed some ugly and shameful things about the way fans - even predominantly female ones - will behave and harass others online and how we need to curtail that going forward as best as we can.

[tentacledtherapist]

Lisa,

The stars are beautiful. While I was away I was picking out all the same constellations. I also don't see them often, so when I go to my events and wind up deep in the woods, I love to look up and see them. Its comforting to think that we see the same stars. You definitely seem to know more of them than I do, but the songs and poetry were right. When they shine so brightly it makes the world seem so small and the universe so unbelievably big. I normally don't see any, and my events I see more and clearer than ever, but sometimes I get so far out of the way of humans that I can see the stars so densely packed and so bright that it was like I was floating through space. Truly mind boggling.

I don't mind the nicknames either by the way. I appreciate them, actually. I like being Creech or Creature or Adam! I'm sorry for not writing sooner, I wanted to wait for you to come back. I turned on notifications, so when you post I come back online to see the answers. If you ever need me, just post something and I will be here.

Last time we wrote you mentioned liking theme parks because of practical effects and I completely agree. The abilities of people to basically make dreams come true is fascinating. It is why one of my favorite rides is the Haunted Mansion. The ability to make the incorporeal ghosts into something visible and tangible, but still ghostly, is a daunting task but they did a really good job. Maybe this is also why I like theatre. I'm not crazy about theatre like some people, I don't go to massive broadway productions or have a favorite musical, but I've studied theatre and its the backstage I love more than the acting or singing. Again, its the fantasy come to life. Making ghosts real, making clothing transform before your eyes, people catching fire but never getting hurt. The real practical effects, that feel like youre reaching out to touch a dream. I love that.

You had asked about my event, and its actually an ongoing campaign. I go every month, and its almost like theatre. Everyone has their own characters, and every month we get together, about a hundred of us, in a campground pretty far out of the way (so no one hears us screaming). Its a large ongoing story with a lot of interesting moving parts. I think something that is fascinating is that there's parts of the plot I might not even see or know is going on. Theres so many people with their own individual plots and ideas and stories all combining at the event that its such a mixed bag of what you interact with. My character was actually a zombie that came back into sentience. She is still cursed to need to eat flesh, but she does so with regret and anguish about hurting people, especially because she is a doctor. She kind of became a surgeon to give back to the people who take care of her. If she can heal and save more people than she hurts, she figures its a fair deal for her continued existence in a world where she looks like the monsters everyone fears and fights daily. Its such a fascinating character to play. You can see why I grew attached not only to her but our shared source as well. I have a soft spot for those who have defied the laws of nature, and find themselves out of time and place.

Kind of like us.

-Your Creature

creech! oh i’m really glad to hear from you. i was sort of worried that i was just, yelling out to the void, but i’m very happy that wasn’t the case. (and i’m glad you’re okay with the nickname :D)

i hope you’ve been well while i’ve been ‘away.’

that campaign sounds like so much fun??? i play dnd a lot, but it’s so different at a table than actually dressing up and acting things out? i enjoy theater as much as the next person who was in choir as a kid, but that sort of,,, acting is something i really admire? being able to step outside yourself or see yourself through someone or something else? it’s really cool. it sounds like so so much fun :D

the haunted mansion is one of my favorite attractions too! the one by me (west coast, so disneyland) is currently under renovation for the whole year ‘cause they’re completely gutting the queue, which is disappointing, but it’s not as if i really have the money to go to disneyland so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. pepper’s ghost effect is just so versatile and so incredible? it’s just Everywhere and it’s so cool? plus all those early day animatronics, and the everything else? really really incredible

there’s something similar to your event that happens at a local theme park near me? they have this old west ghost town themed area, and every day for all of summer, every summer, they have a bunch of actors filling every building and running around doing all sorts of shenanigans. it’s much less Serious than a zombie apocalypse, moreso a fight between two silly rival criminal gangs, but there’s just so much going on, you could spend all day walking around maybe a few hundred square feet of land and still not be privy to everything? it’s something really cool

i have a fondness for ‘beauty and the beast’ type stories. there’s this sort of,,, fear that people wont love you anymore (however you define love) if they see the ‘weird’ or ‘scary’ parts of you. so you show them the distasteful parts first. and if they love you anyways? becoming more… human through love? there’s something innately reassuring about that sort of love

i dunno. i guess you can start to see why i latched on to our story. (besides the obvious of remembering things). beauty and the beast, pride and prejudice, eros and psyche, lisa frankenstein, etc… i just… that’s a sort of story i find solace in. seeing people find humanity in each other. and growing through their own troubles because they have someone there to support them and to lean on.

- Your Lisa

[peablesart]

Diluc and Kaeya: A Character Study

One of my favorite things to do is analyze the true anti-parallel nature of Diluc and Kaeya’s lives. In my eye, they are so similar but exist as inverted images of each other. 

DISCLAIMER : I see Diluc and Kaeya as siblings and this will not change, so anything I post about them is purely familial and platonic. If you ship kaeluc please do NOT interact with this post.

So I since I started Genshin for Kaeya, and then pulled Diluc and fell in love with him, it’s really only natural that they are two of my favorite characters in the game so far (and probably for the rest of it too). Kaeya’s story has alaways been fascinating to me, and this was just exemplified by the Dainsleif quests that revealed more about Khaneri’ah and the Abyss. When I started getting more invested in Genshin, I started reading the manga, and around the same time I got Diluc and started friendship farming like I never had before. I literally devoured his character stories and enjoy fitting his canon with the stories of others.

But yes, as my favorite characters who actually have canon connections (in surplus in fact), I often think about how similar their stories are, but that they run in opposite directions to each other. I see this so clearly in how they are in canon and what I think they were like in childhood.

On one hand, we have Diluc, the only child of one of Mondstadt’s beloved noble families. He comes from a line of highly respected individuals, the descendent of one of the leaders who freed Mondstadt from the tyranny of Decarabian. Although his mother died young, he grew up in a nurturing and loving family with his father. From the manga, we can tell that his personality was somewhere along the lines of Amber and Klee when he was younger, and I think he was probably a brash and jovial kid who caused problems but was earnest in everything he did.

On the other hand we have Kaeya. Here is where a lot of my headcanons come into play, because there’s very little on his family. I strongly believe in Kaeya as Khaneri’ahn royalty (a descendent at the very least), and that he belongs to the Eclipse Dynasty bloodline. It’s unclear the type of rule of the dynasty, but my thoughts are that it was not cruel but definitely cold. Kaeya likely did not grow up with much affection, respected but not loved. He entered the story with the destiny of a kingdom on his shoulders, and was left to fulfill it on his own. As such, I see him as a guarded, probably extremely introverted kid, especially when he’s first taken in by the Ragnvindrs.

Obviously, this contrasts with their in-game personalities. I still think Kaeya is a true introvert but acts extraverted to come off as more open and trustworthy in order to get what he wants. This is clear in how almost every quest or event interaction with him has some sort of “ulterior” motive. His story quest was him testing the waters with the traveler to see how trustworthy they were, the Windblume Festival was very likely an easter egg conversation for a later quest, and he definitely lied abut the reason for coming to the Golden Apple Archipelago. In short, all these interactions are only half-truths at best.

I similarly think the opposite happened to Diluc, his grief and vengeance stifling the unbridled joy from his youth. I wouldn’t say he’s still a people-person, but his voice-lines make it so clear how affectionate and warm he is to everyone; he worries about Jean and the Traveller, openly admires Lisa’s skills, etc. His 18th birthday and his four-year journey exposed him to the world at its rawest, away from the tinted lens of the Knights, and he likely saw and dealt out more death than he thought he’d ever have to.

After Crepus’ death, the brothers reconciled with the events by changing their nature - at least, how they presented themselves to others. While not mirrors, they definitely took on parts of the other’s childhood self, with Kaeya becoming more verbal and Diluc becoming more skeptical. 

As much as I want it to happen, I don’t think we’ll get a reconciliation of the brothers until one of their last moments. Mihoyo has made it clear they don’t intend to shy away from major character deaths, dropping red flags in abundance for multiple characters. Kaeya is definitely one of them, and my thinking is that he’ll die by Diluc’s hands in an effort to save Mondstadt. Either that, or they’ll be on the cusp of progress before plummeting into the worst-case scenario.

And be- cause I’m a sucker not just for angst but for sucker punch and then a stab to the gut - I’ll put this here as well: although they clearly aren’t exactly on the best terms right now, I truly believe they have both forgiven each other but don’t believe the other has forgiven them yet. Their voice-lines about each other don’t seem honest, and their easy banter at the Golden Apple Archipelago shows so much familiarity. Their relationship is still uneasy, clearly seen in Venti’s story quest, but it is entirely salvageable. Kaeya is ready to atone for abandoning DIluc to his grief and compounding it with a secret too large to stay hidden forever. Diluc is ready to repent for driving Kaeya to death and casting him out form a place he’d felt was the closest to home he could let himself be.

(Would love for a happy ending too, but I don’t trust Mihoyo to give me happy Diluc and happy Kaeya for any lasting duration rip.)

It’s clear that the two are meant to be foils to each other. I could go on and on about smaller things, like Kaeya feeling inadequate filling Diluc’s prodigious shoes, Diluc finding his first true friend in Kaeya, the both of them defending each other behind their backs. I could also go into how other characters perceive their relationship, especially Jean since she’s known them since childhood as well. But at the end of the day, they are simply two men with a broken past that cannot be restored, but can be fixed. Them making up would ease so much off both of their shoulders, and they could fight side by side like I’m certain they did when they were younger.

TL;DR, I love both Diluc and Kaeya with my whole heart and want them both to find happiness. There’s more steps to be done before they can call each other “brother” with sincerity again (and I tend to ill those steps with various ships ik ik) but it’s a start towards healing.

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

So. Ryan.

I’m going back to s4 for a minute because the wonderful @damngcoffee and I were discussing fleeting yet fascinating Ryan, and I wanted to put my thoughts out into the universe. I hope you don’t mind.

I’ve never thought too deeply about the dynamic between Ian and Ryan before. Even in planning out “In Pieces,” analyzing Ryan’s motives wasn’t strictly necessary because it’s not really something Ian would pick up on based on his perspective in this situation. Ostensibly, it’s quite simple: during his club days, Ian is swinging with a new and visibly elegant circle in a drastically different part of society than he grew up in. That’s why Mickey is so out of his element there, whereas Ian expertly camouflages himself the way he always has. On the surface, there’s nothing out of the ordinary here. Just a party. Just Ian, manic and feeling on top of the world and in his element. Just another red flag missed amidst a sea of them. What happens at the party, however, really seems to potentially indicate that there’s more to this and more to Ryan as a character than merely acting as a clever setup for Mickey to indicate that he and Ian are officially in a relationship.

Up to that point, all we’ve seen surrounding Ian from Mickey’s point of view are real slime balls—older men preying on someone that they don’t necessarily realize is underage, but they definitely know is very, very young and vulnerable. There’s the lap dance guy, the one who can’t run to save his life, and the dude who’s just asking for his fingers to be broken one by one. Mickey alludes to two in particular over breakfast that first morning, and when Ian mentions a regular inviting them to a party, Mickey is focused on a rather specific image of what one of Ian’s regulars must be like.

Then they go to Ryan’s loft, and...it’s classy. Sophisticated. This isn’t a raucous after-party, but a very different atmosphere, full of upper-middle to upper-class ladies and gentlemen who are clearly professionals. Many of them are in suits or dressed nicely, having a late-night drink and speaking tastefully. They’re also substantially older than Ian and Mickey, who are only nearing seventeen and nineteen respectively at the time. These people have careers and, in the case of the sociologist Mickey speaks with, are working on advanced degrees. The only visible drugs are the ones on the table in front of Ian while he’s asleep the following morning. This isn’t the kind of party that we’d expect, knowing where Ian is mentally at this time like we do.

We tend to focus a lot on what Mickey’s response to all this is, but I’d like to use it as a diving board for analyzing a few dimensions of Ryan’s character that appear to indicate that, through the encroaching darkness of Ian’s as yet unacknowledged illness, there are people who are possibly watching out for him. So, here are a few things that stand out about our encounters at Ryan’s loft:

Ian says that Ryan is one of his “regulars.” Based on what we’ve seen so far, this immediately has us thinking there’s a level of sexual interest on Ryan’s side, even if only as something of a voyeur who enjoys watching Ian dance at the club. There’s no physical manifestation of that interest, though. Ryan noticeably doesn’t behave like the skeevy guys we’ve already seen, Ned included. That doesn’t exclusively mean that he’s on the up-and-up, of course, but I found it worth noting that their hug is just a hug, and he doesn’t step out of his role as a cordial host for a second. He treats Ian the same as he treats Mickey: with kindness and social acceptance, albeit with more familiarity. And when Ian goes with him to see what drinks are available, there aren’t any apparent undertones. Ryan immediately heads towards the open kitchen, and Ian follows at a polite distance. Host and attendee—those are our initial vibes as far as Ryan is concerned. It’s jarringly different from our other forays into Ian’s current lifestyle.

Enter the sociologist. What a fascinating individual for Ryan to interact with. He immediately asks if Mickey is with Ian, which is nothing special in itself and serves as a way to engage Mickey in conversation without simply asking what he does. The fact that he moves into that, however, is very interesting to me because he’s so straightforward about it. It’s not an interrogation, yet there’s an element of investigation to it. Perhaps he’s just a curious guy making conversation with someone who looks uncomfortable; perhaps he’s familiar with Ian from these parties and is doing a bit of research into who it is that Ian brought with him, as it is arguably the first time that’s happened. Either way, what he says that he’s studying is a “blink and you’ll miss it” sort of reference. It also flies under the radar for anyone who isn’t familiar with the field of sociology. We end up like Mickey: lost and confused by “transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations,” but generally understanding that he’s studying sex workers and pimps—emphasis on the sex workers. Something we know Ian was at the time, working the front and back of the club as he later admits.

Now, for the uninitiated, symbolic interactionism is a theoretical perspective in the field of sociology that focuses on how our social interactions with other people, social institutions, and the world around us both facilitate our construction of reality and alter or solidify our perceptions of our existing reality. While there are many directions his study may be taking him in, this sociologist is writing a dissertation on the meaning that is made between hustlers and clients—what symbols emerge that define each side, their roles, their meaning to one another, the dissemination of the values and norms that guide their relationships, etc. In short, he’s studying the socially constructed meaning of the relationship that specifically transgender sex workers and pimps have with each other and their clients.

On the surface, that has no bearing on this situation. Mickey’s confused, and it’s an ironic bit of writing to connect him to this group he’s uncomfortable with by showing that South Side Mickey is the pimp that the upper classes of society are studying for their Ph.D. It’s pure satire, a brief commentary on just how different classes of society can be and perhaps even a nod to how lower classes are inside the fishbowl that upper classes are peering into but will never truly experience. To the viewer, however, what a sign that may be, depending on your interpretation. Ian has clearly been around this group of people enough that he’s known. They’re familiar enough with him to say that he’s great and how lucky Mickey is to have him. If Ryan is one of Ian’s regulars, then they know where he came from. They know he’s young, and they know what he does for a living right now. There’s no way this sociologist—studying what he’s studying, asking what he’s asking—doesn’t have some professional interest in Ian’s circumstances. Enough, perhaps, to check in on who this person he’s brought with him is. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t read so much into that, but this isn’t the only time it happens.

The next morning, Ian is asleep and Ryan chooses to wake Mickey first. He knows Mickey wasn’t comfortable with him the night before, which I thought he handled with a lot of grace and good-humor. In most cases, I’d expect more disdain, but not with Ryan. It’s interesting, then, that he didn’t go to Ian first given their familiarity. Sure, he knows Ian worked the night prior. He may just have impeccable manners and want Ian to sleep a bit longer. If he’s a regular, he knows Ian needs it. (He probably also sees the drugs on his coffee table and figures he definitely needs it, but I digress.)

So, he wakes Mickey. He makes a casual joke. Then, when Mickey says he’s not Ian’s keeper, his demeanor shifts just slightly. His expression grows hesitant—tentative, like he’s been meaning to ask something but hasn’t quite worked up to it. For someone who should just be a regular, who shouldn’t care much outside of Ian dancing, whose interest has been that of a polite acquaintance thus far, his gaze is more intent than I’d have expected as he waits for Mickey to tell him if he’s a boyfriend or if he’s someone who is a one-night deal. Are they together, or is Mickey just a fleeting fancy for Ian?

Are they together, or is Mickey taking advantage of this very, very young sex worker that Ryan has conveniently invited to his home after work instead of him going home with some stranger?

Are they together, or is Mickey some stranger?

When Mickey says they’re together, the intensity ebbs and casual Ryan is back. He offers a contented reply and heads off to get breakfast for Mickey, still not knowing what Ian wants. If that was his prime motivation for approaching them in the first place, wouldn’t he have woken Ian up at that point? Wouldn’t he have completed his task of taking breakfast orders? It makes me wonder if that’s not why he woke Mickey at all. It makes for a good excuse when he was delivering food to others who stayed overnight, but the more I rewatch their interactions, and the more I read into how dissonant his position as “a regular” and his behavior are, the more I wonder if there’s something else to Ryan.

A regular who doesn’t seem all that interested in Ian as anything other than an acquaintance—a person, not a dancer or object like literally everyone else in Ian’s new life that we’ve seen so far.

An engineer and photographer Ian says with absolute certainty doesn’t want or expect anything from him.

A professional with professional friends who are studied in the fields of sociology and sex work.

A man somewhat older than them who checks in with Mickey—after someone else has already done so and discovered that their sex worker guest is there with a self-proclaimed pimp—to inquire after his relationship with Ian in a relatively non-invasive manner.

Ian was taken advantage of by so many people as a kid and especially during his initial spiral. I’ve always thought of this as being a lonely time for him even though he certainly felt like he was a part of everything and surrounded by all the wonders of the world. He abandoned the military and his dreams. He flitted into and out of Ned’s home. Monica flitted into and out of his life yet again. His family wasn’t looking until Lip’s hands were tied by the MPs, and even then they were almost immediately distracted by the situation with Fiona and Liam. Mickey was married and seemingly out of reach. He’d left his friends and connections behind.

But maybe, just maybe, there was a guy who saw him at work and saw him. Maybe there was a guy who was a little older, a little more educated, and a little more savvy about the scene Ian was involved in when he noticed this kid dancing on a stage in a place he had no business going to.

And maybe this guy decided that he’d look out for this kid who was in way over his head, indirect and not at all obvious about it, yet someone who cared at a time when Ian unknowingly and unintentionally had to rely on the kindness of strangers.

[palimpsessed]

Writerly Ephemera

I was tagged by @amywaterwings @mostlymaudlin @tea-brigade @effing-numpties @captain-aralias @bloodiedpixie . This is so cool, so thanks for sharing yours! ❤️

Per Amy: We add little bits of ourselves to our writing, scattering memories and places and phrases and things into our stories. The game is to find five examples of this, of YOU, in your writing and show everyone.

I don’t really feel like I put much of my own experiences into my fic, probably because I don’t feel like I have a lot of experiences to pull from. (That’s not me being self-deprecating; that’s me never going anywhere or doing anything.) So, let’s see what we come up with!

Going to tag here. I feel like I’ve gotten to this late so I’m not sure who has been tagged. Anyway. No pressure, loves. Just saying hi. 🥰 @theflyingpeach @bazzybelle @otherworldsivelivedin @unseelieseelie @wetheformidables @caitybug @nightimedreamersworld @foolofabookwyrm @stillmadaboutpetra

1. I have put the most of myself into A Man of Letters. I have my degree in English Lit and when I was in college, I was at the height of my Jane Austen obsession. So I sort of built my degree around the development of the English novel. My senior thesis was on a book called Evelina by Frances Burney, who was one of Austen’s greatest literary influences. Evelina is an epistolary novel—told entirely in letters. I love the epistolary form, for the same reason I love dialogue and texting fics. It’s such a fun narrative technique and can reveal so much about individual characters. It’s actually a bit like the way Rainbow Rowell uses multi POV in her books. Anyway, my love of the epistle was on full display in this fic, which is ofc told in letters. —Do I share a passage? That’s like...the whole fic 😅 So, idk. Here’s Simon being a disaster as he meditates on letter writing:

Dear Penny,

As I start this letter, I already know I'm not going to post it. I know I won't be able to bring myself to do it, because of what I have to say to you. I do feel bad. It's not that I don't want to tell you. And you know I'm so much better at writing things down than saying them out loud. It's only that I feel like this would all sound better coming from me in person. I just don't think I'll be able to make you understand in a letter. I'm still trying to understand myself. And writing all of this down helps me with that. Even if I'm only pretending to write to you, it makes me feel better, to think of you on the other end. I promise I really will tell you everything as soon as we're together again.

2. Also for A Man of Letters, my fascination with Regency fashions, in particular the dandy, was a major factor. I did an art book about this, comparing how fashion has changed over time, especially in regard to gender. (I also did an art book based on Evelina, since I’m on the subject. I minored in book art. 😁) I always fancied the look of a Regency dandy, so that was my gift to Baz.

Whoever has been working their magic on Salisbury should in fact be the person to whom I offer my eternal devotion. Alas, I am left to flounder under the burden of lusting after a man who is incapable of dressing himself.

The utter and unmitigated shame.

Salisbury wore a forest green wool frock coat that set off the golden highlights in his brown locks. This was accented with a green and aubergine striped silk waistcoat that was trimmed in white piping and felt much too daring a pattern for the man. (I don't care if he was a soldier; it takes a hardier man than him by half to choose a stripe like that.) His charcoal trousers were enticingly snug, but not so much to prove lethal. His cravat and points left much to be desired, though that likely reflected poorly on his ability to keep himself in order, rather than the ability of his valet. (Good God, maybe the man doesn't even have a valet!)

3. When it came to my countdown fic, To the Manor Borne, I had Shep make a reference to Cluedo, because Pitch Manor would be perfect for a real life game. Behind that, is the fact that my family played a lot of Clue and I watched the movie a whole bunch growing up, to the point where my sister and I used to quote it to each other. This was a way to pay homage to that. He also talks about playing the game Murder in the Dark, which was one I played at Halloween as a kid. One of my cousins was dressed as a ghoul with glow in the dark face paint and we were in my grandma’s creepy upstairs. Perfect vibes.

I’ve seen the kitchen and the dining room and the library and the study and the parlor. Walking through this house is like playing Clue. (They call it Cluedo on this side of the pond, because they like to be difficult.) (That was a whole thing. Do not get me started.)

I keep thinking Colonel Mustard’s going to pop up out of nowhere and brain me with a lead pipe.

And:

What kind of games do you play with magickal friends who don't have magic? Twister? Not with the wings and tail. Cards? Baz and Penny would cheat. Or accuse everyone else of cheating if they didn't win. Murder in the dark? With these people, in this house, I knew it would turn literal fast, and also it was like ten in the morning. Hide and seek? Simon and I would hide and everyone else would ditch. Snowball fight? World War III.

4. I’ve referenced Mozart in my fics a couple of times because when I was first getting into classical music, I was listening to a lot of Mozart. My sister had a CD of some of his early symphonies, and my local classical station does “Mozart in the Mornings” which happened to fit in the exact time slot between two morning classes I had my first year in college. I’d go sit in my car with a cup of tea, and just vibe with Mozart as my soundtrack. I’ve name dropped him in both A Man of Letters and To the Manor Borne. Also, Mozart wrote 12 variations on the melody shared by Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, which is a lovely tie in. (I also had the gang sing/cast The Holly and the Ivy, which is one of my favorite Christmas carols, and by strange coincidence was playing on the radio at the same time I wrote that scene. 🥰)

"It's a songbook," I tell him, like he can't figure that out for himself. "Did you know that Mozart wrote twelve different versions of the same song?"

He's laughing. "Mozart did not write Twinkle, twinkle, little star, Simon."

"You know what I mean."

"He composed twelve variations for solo piano on the French folk melody Ah! Vous dirai-je, maman."

"Sure. Anyway, this is for the violin. For you to play."

He's still laughing, and I'm trying to figure out what's so funny, but then he kisses me again, on the lips this time, so I figure maybe I'm still doing okay.

Only one more to go! What will it be? 👀

5. Therapy! Eheheh...😅 Look, it’s no secret the gang needs it. And tbh, so do I. Haven’t actually managed to get myself to go yet, and I think that’s where a lot of my “send them to therapy” happy endings come from. I did it in Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne. I started Chamber by Chamber with SnowBaz already in therapy, and then structured the whole thing around therapy that they give to each other and to themselves. It didn’t really fit in A Man of Letters, but if it had, I absolutely would have done it. I’ve only shared from two fics so far, and since it could kind of spoil the ending to Use Your Words (tho saying this may be spoiler anyway...), here are two snippets from It’s a Kind of Magic, Part I of Chamber by Chamber.

I've been working on articulating my needs. We both have. Ordinarily, I'd be afraid of pushing him away by making demands when he's on the verge of a spiral, but my therapist insists that I can't go on treating Simon with kid gloves. If I never ask him for anything, he'll think he doesn't have anything to give.

And

When I told that to my therapist, she said that I needed to talk it out of me and she'd help me find ways to work through it all. She said I needed to talk it out with Baz, too, so that he'd know how to help me when things got bad again—that was something else she said, that things would get bad again, and that I'd need to be prepared for that. That I couldn't expect things to be easy, and just go away.

6. BONUS! I think the biggest way I include bits of myself is in the AUs I’ve chosen to write. I have three I’m planning that say a lot about me, so I’m going to talk a bit about them here. There is ofc my Scooby Doo AU, inspired in large part by the fact that I watched it all the time growing up and also, my sister continues to be obsessed with it. When we were young, my parents were doing a lot of work on their house and we’d take family trips to the hardware store. My sister and I hated it, so we’d wait in the car with my mom and she would entertain us with “Scooby Doo stories”. Other AUs I’m planning? Troop Beverly Hills—please tell me someone else out there loved this movie the way I did when I was 5. It was very influential to baby me and I remember wishing for nothing more than being able to dress like Shelley Long. So, I’m going to let Baz do it, because I think he deserves it. 🥰 Lastly, tho it will probably be the first I write, is my Cupid and Psyche AU, from when I was heavy into mythology and religion. Since these are all forthcoming projects, I don’t really have a snippet. Instead, here’s Baz comparing Simon to Eros, which is what started my brain on that particular AU.

I am lost. I barely know anything about Salisbury, but I can't help being drawn in. At one time, I could have comforted myself that I was only so smitten with him because he looks like he was sculpted by Praxiteles. That excuse grows weaker with every encounter. He's the furthest thing from a lifeless tribute to beauty in marble as one can be. There is something deep and dark and feral inside of him and I want to claw it out. I want to see it, to let it free. To taste his wildness and his pain.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Sometimes a Great Notion

This is one of those old movies my mom requested that we couldn’t even find at our local library. It’s incredibly hard to track down, which says more about how easily lost our film history and culture can be as we move from format to format rather than its quality as a film, but that is another conversation. Basically this 1971 film is the second that Paul Newman directed, and it tells the story of the Stamper family, a family who run an independent logging business in a town where the local logging union has gone on strike. As independents, they take the union’s former contracts and as the film goes on, the consequences of that choice become larger and larger, and depending on your perspective, this is either an indomitable tale of the perseverance of the human spirit or a disheartening look at everything that makes America the end-stage capitalist nightmare it currently is.  

Some thoughts: 

It appears that I’m supposed to think Henry Fonda, as the patriarch of the Stamper clan, is a charming old coot, like an Archie Bunker type, complaining about Commie pinko socialists and calling his estranged son a New York fairy. I’m not really seeing the charm here.

I’m not 100% sure what’s going on with this subplot where Joe B (Richard Jaekel) and his wife apparently attend the Church of God and the Metaphysical Science...so maybe they’re cult members too? That never really gets delved into, which is a head scratcher.

I feel like with this dialogue they’re supposed to be kind of...gruff and jokey with each other, but I really don’t get it. None of it seems funny at all, just aggro. 

I think I'm just really confused about what exactly this movie IS. It’s not a character study because we’re learning so little about these people. It doesn’t seem to be a David vs. Goliath small business taking on The Man story because the whole union vs. Stamper family thing doesn’t seem to be anything the Stampers are that concerned about. Leeland (Michael Sarrazin) coming back after a long absence is certainly a wrinkle, but no one is actually delving into what that means for the family or how they feel about it. Like the purpose of the film seems to just be “these are some people doing their jobs and going about their business for a couple hours.”

Like for real, there are multiple really long segments that just show them doing logging shit. 

And listen, I’m not one of those people that only wants to watch media where I like the characters. There are a lot of bad people and evil characters that I don’t want to emulate and would absolutely hate to be around in real life that I REALLY enjoy watching. Hell, in the last year, my main TV hyperfixations have been Succession and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So it’s not the fact that the Stampers are sexist, stubborn, union-busting jackasses. I just don’t really care about any of them and I question why I should care about their story because the movie isn’t doing a very good job at convincing me. 

There are some Very Good Dogs! At least that’s something.

This would be a way more interesting movie if Leeland and Viv (Hank’s wife, played with stunning grace by Lee Remick) hook up because Leeland is the only one who talks to her or listens to what she has to say. He sees her in a way no one else in the family sees these women at all. ESPECIALLY because even though Henry is Leeland’s father, Hank had an affair with Leeland’s mother too, which is deeply disturbing because we find out he was 14 and she was 30. Fuck, now there’s statutory rape and unresolved trauma involved. Wouldn’t this be a fantastic thing to actually talk about and delve into? Wouldn’t this whole relationship entanglement and the ripple effects it’s had on this family be really interesting? NOT ACCORDING TO PAUL NEWMAN I GUESS.

As much as I love Paul Newman, I’m really questioning a lot of his directorial choices, too. He can’t control the story or the script so much (this is based on a Ken Kesey novel) but other choices are baffling. The pacing is a mess. Some scenes go on for what seems like forever for no reason, others are brutally short or feel cut off. The transitions between scenes are all these quick cuts that don’t let anything breathe. Leeland and Viv’s deep, intimate conversation ends with her saying Hank’s satisfied and Leland asking “Are you?” and then BOOM next scene where bluegrass kicks in and they’re all riding motorcycles. What should have been a body blow of a moment gets its legs cut out right from underneath, and it’s a damn shame.

“To work and eat and screw and sleep and drink and keep on going, that’s for what. That’s all there is.” - the film’s central thesis, uttered by Henry Stamper in his big Oscar-worthy monologue. Which in a nihilist sort of way I agree with, but there’s a big fat asterisk that gets ignored here: if you’re doing those things and directly, knowingly causing the suffering of others - and you can make choices that AVOID that as much as possible, and you DON’T - well that’s where your philosophy turns to shit, I’m afraid.

And the consequences of that philosophy are laid bare when the Stamper family has one HELL of a bad day. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. 

I really thought the movie was going to end with Hank sitting alone in his dark, quiet house drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself and maybe reflecting on the enormous cost of his decisions. Instead the movie ends with Hank displaying his father’s severed arm at the top of his boat, flipping the bird to the town he’s turned his back on. And frankly it’s a big “fuck you” to the audience as well, for thinking that the Stamper family could learn or grow or see outside of their own rugged individualism for one second. 

Did I Cry? I probably should have, but any emotional weight the tragedies we watch hold gets completely deflated when no one learns a goddamn thing from them. 

All things considered, this movie is a perfect encapsulation of the toxic attitudes that have yielded every single moral failing of America from its inception. The myth of the American frontiersman, pulling himself up by his bootstraps, owing nothing to no one and simply trying to work hard and provide for his own family - it’s all wrapped up in the same wars (both literal and figurative) we’ve been fighting for centuries. We’re supposed to cheer at the Stampers for sticking to their guns and moving forward to get the job done no matter the cost, and that’s precisely the fucking problem. Costs matter, especially when they’re paid in human lives. And I would be more willing to view this film as a fascinating artifact of attitudes that have gone by the wayside if we weren’t having the same damn argument today. As a result, it ends up just feeling frustrating. 

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[ameliarating]

Since you brought the topic of Untamed/Hogwats houses I have to ask: do you have opinions about how other Untamed characters would be sorted into the Hogwarts Houses? (because I love how you put XXC into Ravenclaw and SL into Hufflepuff and I want others too)

Absolutely! Here comes a nearly-but-not-quite comprehensive list!

So we have Xiao Xingchen, the Ravenclaw who acts like a Gryffindor. Xiao Xingchen is primarily driven by a need to understand things and find a higher truth. It's why he left the mountain to begin with. He was sure he was missing something, something wasn't right in that philosophy, because truth is found among people. It's why he travels. It's why he attaches himself to people. 

But that manifests in very Gryffindor way, because he assumes (I'd like to think correctly) that the way to understand the world and universe is through compassion and helping people, which is why he found fault with staying on the mountain. How could that be the right thing to do, how could that be the truth, when it meant leaving people to suffer? 

And then when he encounters people who lie, who are hypocritical, who serve themselves when claiming to serve others, he’s deeply frustrated. Since his view of the truth is that it is found in compassion,  he has no patience for the structures that lie and keep people down (cough cough JGS). So he wants to change the world and make it better for everyone which makes him look like a Gryffindor, but at its base it comes from very Ravenclaw values. 

He’s also the least nerdy Ravenclaw ever, is not at all into texts, and believes that truth, like the Dao, can never be really put into words, but only acted. Though he’d say that there is no truth apart from the Dao, and that to distinguish things, to separate them, is missing the point completely.

Then we have Song Lan, the Hufflepuff who acts like a Gryffindor. Unlike Xiao Xingchen, he's not driven by any grand goals. He's not interested in uncovering some new truth or in changing the world in any big way. He just sees people suffering around him and knows that's wrong and believes that the right thing to do is alleviate suffering in all the small ways he can.

Except that as a powerful cultivator, it's often actually not that small. He doesn't think he can change the world, he certainly doesn't think he has any major effect. (He actually agrees with Xue Yang that it nobody really can), and he was taught since childhood that it was better to follow a more passive path than to try to shape the world into a new image.

But he does believe it's his duty to help the people around him, to make little things more fair, to save lives, to lay suffering ghosts, all of that, because it will effect individuals and individuals matter. He wants to start a new sect with Xiao Xingchen not because he is disgusted with the politics of the sect world (he just doesn't care about it, he's not Xiao Xingchen who is ready to argue with full on sect leaders), but because it will help more people in the surrounding area and it sounds like the right thing to do

But because he's a powerful wandering cultivator, and because he's attached himself to Xiao Xingchen who does have more vision, he comes off as a Gryffindor. - just because the way he operates as a Hufflepuff ends up looking very Gryffindor.

He’s also a very nerdy Hufflepuff who is very much into studying the texts he’s been memorized since his childhood at the temple.

To continue on the Yi City theme, we have Xue Yang, another Ravenclaw. He’s just straight up curious about everything, and since he has no ambition, no desire to change the world, and no loyalty to others, his only real motivation (outside that sweet, sweet revenge) comes from that curiosity.

He wants to know how things work. He’ll spend years studying Yiling Laozu’s notes because they’re fascinating. He’ll teach himself cultivation. He’ll torture someone into revealing themself. He’ll mess with people to learn what their nightmares are and he’ll then he’ll make their nightmares come true, just to see what happens.

He’ll spend three years with his enemy just to learn who he is and what makes him tick. (At least that’s what he’s telling himself... stupid feelings got in their way a bit there.)

If there’s nothing more to learn, he’ll get bored. He needs stimulation. He’s creative. And beyond that, he doesn’t really care. 

It’s actually interesting that, like Xiao Xingchen, he is fascinated by so much in the world and wants to learn and learn and learn. And that, like Song Lan, he doesn’t actually think anyone has the power to make a big difference in it.

Rounding off Yi City, we have A-Qing, a Slytherin. She’s goal oriented and protective of the people she decides are worth protecting, and pretty dismissive of everyone else. When we first meet her, her only goal is to get ahead herself. Then she adopts her daozhang (it goes both ways) and she would do anything to get them both ahead.

It’s just that Xiao Xingchen doesn’t really care about getting ahead, or having money, or running away from Xue Yang when he’s going to kill them, which is an issue because he’s become her goal and she won’t abandon him. 

I think that if we’d gotten to know her longer, we would have found her to be a pretty ambitious person, but it’s possible that she might have turned out to be a Gryffindor instead. She was just a kid and ghosts don’t really change or evolve. Even in the showverse, where she’s not a ghost but someone living with a sort of slow acting corpse poisoning (??? it’s not clear), she remains frozen as who she was when we last saw her in Yi City. 

Wei Wuxian - the Gryffindoriest Gryffindor ever, but if he’d lived in more peaceful times, he would have been, like Hermione, someone with very Ravenclaw tendencies, who uses curiosity and scholarship to change the world for the better. Honestly, not much more to say about him beyond that. He’s just. So Gryffindor.

Jin Guangyao and Nie Huaisang are both pure Slytherins. Jin Guangyao classically so. He’s ambitious, he wants power, he wants to protect what’s his, he’s cunning, and he’ll do just about anything to reach his goals. His eye is on the prize, and that prize is the sort of power that means he can live without shame, except that the more power he gets, the bigger the potential for shame gets too. Poor thing never rests.

Nie Huaisang is less classically a Slytherin, in that he’s not actually all that ambitious, but oh man, is he goal oriented. What he wants, he’ll get, even if that means people have to suffer, either if they’re in the way, or if their suffering is part of his plan itself.

Lan Xichen is a Hufflepuff. Like Song Lan, he is primarily motivated by helping people around them and alleviating their suffering. Even if a part of him wishes he could make drastic changes to the world and how it’s run, he doesn’t believe he has the means to do so, and if he tried, he’d only hurt his own ability to do anything at all, as well as others under his protection. 

So instead of fighting the world, he moves within it, being quietly but unusually kind to others, using his position of power to lift people up and protect them, and doing what he can to make the lives of individuals that much better and easier. Sometimes it even works. 

He’s trying. The world is set against him. He just doesn’t have the freedom to set himself against the world. 

He’s hardworking and he’s loyal and he believes in giving people the benefit of the doubt when no one else will. He has a very clear sense of honor, and it’s all based on what is the right way to relate to others. Like Helga Hufflepuff, he opens his sect up to people others would reject.

Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing are both Slytherins, for similar reasons, but it comes out in different ways. They both believe that their primary loyalties must be to their own blood (Jiang Cheng more expansively to the entire Jiang sect, Wen Qing to her branch of the Wen Clan) and that as leaders, they have to do whatever they can to protect it, even if it means letting others fall by the side. 

They don’t think of themselves of heroes. Jiang Cheng is bitter about that and Wen Qing accepts it more easily. They have their own protect and that’s all.

Jiang Cheng is more obviously a Slytherin in that he’s very ambitious (he’s been taught to be, by his mother, it’s unclear to me if he would have been so otherwise), he wants to be on top and be an incredible sect leader, though he won’t use all means at his disposal to get ahead. Like Jin Guangyao, he feels inadequate in second place. Unfortunately for Jiang Cheng, he’s never going to get higher than second place - and often not even that. Wen Qing is not so ambitious herself, and in more peaceful times, might have been more of a Hufflepuff. 

Jiang Yanli is a Hufflepuff. She also wants to help the people around her without dreams of changing the world. She’ll alleviate the suffering of others one bowl of soup at a time. Whatever grand dreams she may have had, she’s set them aside for her to nurture Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng which is upsetting, but also, and I mean this very seriously, the people (often women) who spent history quietly feeding the heroes we read about should have made history. 

It’s actually enough to be kind.

Nie Mingjue is a Gryffindor, I think? He has a very strong view of right and wrong, and it’s less driven by individuals and more about what the world should look like, even if it’s not what it looks like now. But that’s very hard for me to reconcile with his super-strong views against the Wens, but then again, I don’t want to be all “no-true-Gryffindor fallacy” and claim that real Gryffindors can’t be bloodthirsty to wipe out entire sects.

He, like Lan Xichen, has a very stark view of what it means to be honorable, but for him, honor has less to do with relating to the people around him and more to do with what sort of actions are ever appropriate to take. 

Mianmian is either a Hufflepuff or what happens when a Gryffindor is so disempowered as to just give up. She cares very strongly about doing the right thing by others and by setting a good example in the world. She looses her patience with the hypocrisy of the sects but rather than try to tear them down or change things, she leaves and finds her own place to be honorable. 

So my question is, is she driven by the needs of the individuals around her (a Hufflepuff), or is she more idealistic and thinks the world should and can be drastically different (a Gryffindor)? Gryffindors work best when they are given the means to change things. Mianmian never really had those.

Jin Zixuan is that kid who sits under the hat and the hat is all, hmmmm, I’m not sure, and he’s all put me where my family is, and the hat is like, really? you sure? not sure you’ll thrive there, and Jin Zixuan says, I’m positive, and then ends up in Slytherin and his father is proud of him, so what could go wrong?

(Jin Zixuan is Regulus Black)

Jin Guangshan is a Slytherin. I mean. Obviously.

Wen Ning is a Hufflepuff. I mean. Obviously.

Su She doesn’t make it to Hogwarts because he’s a Squib, and the evil he ends up enabling says as much about the ills of the magical world as it does about him.

Jin Zixun is a Dursley. I’m taking comments and criticisms on everything else on this post but this.

Lan Wangji ... ???

Like, I dunno! Sometimes I want to say Gryffindor. His early dream was to make the world a better place, at least in the show, I don’t remember in the novel. To protect the innocent and have a clean conscience. He goes where the chaos is. He protects people others overlook. He’s Huangang-jun. 

But I suspect he, like Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen, is someone who acts like a Gryffindor but isn’t necessarily, and part of that is because his primary motivation is surrounding one person. Protect Wei Wuxian. From himself, from others, from the world. That’s not a very Gryffindory motivation. Gryffindors tend to have more expansive drives. They want to make more of an impact. 

Is he a Slytherin? He’s willing to do just about anything in service of his goals. (His goals are Wei Wuxian.) And he has a narrow group of people that he has claimed as his own and wants to put ahead. (His people are Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen.)

Is he a Hufflepuff? He is desperate to do right by people and be kind to them and figure out how to alleviate their suffering. (People are Wei Wuxian.)

I’m pretty sure he’s not a Ravenclaw, because while he’s scholarly and does want to learn and open his mind, I don’t think he’s driven by curiosity or a need to attain truth. But even with Ravenclaw, I’d be open to it. So. Yeah.

Soooo, that’s not everybody, obviously, and if people want my sorting thoughts on other characters, feel free to send them my way! But that’s a taste of what goes through my head.

[honourablejester]

Ideas for Sorcerers (D&D)

I do love a bit of innate, chaotic magic, the forces of the world writing themselves onto people. Whether said people wanted them to or not. Heh. I will admit I’m a bit more attached to the ‘touched by cosmic forces’ angle for the sorcerer, it’s really great for backstories, but the bloodlines are also fascinating for the ‘family lore’ and ‘really adventurous ancestors’ ideas. So!

I’m mostly focused on the classic sorcerers and then the horror-adjacent sorcerers, because I’m me, and we know what I like. Apologies to fans of the Divine, Storm or new Clockwork sorcerers!

Draconic

Because dragons (and dragon ancestors) are the best. There’s a lot of fun and aesthetic with choosing your dragon ancestor too. The little scales you get with draconic resilience just make for some really cool-looking characters.

I love the idea of mixing ancestries with a draconic sorcerer. Compare and contrast. For example, a tiefling draconic sorcerer with gold dragon ancestry! Combining a ‘tainted’ bloodline with a respected one. Maybe the clan lean heavily into the lawful reputation of gold dragons, as well as a sort of internalised racism against their own darker ancestry as well. They view the fact that they were once favoured by a divine dragon as proof that their bloodline can redeem themselves of their demonic pact/ancestry, and they lean towards lawful occupations, city watch, soldiers, clergy, etc. So your sorcerer has a bit of internal conflict going on. (Also, a red tiefling with gold scales is an awesome look – tiefling skin colours with dragon scale colours is a really fun combination)

Other cool-sounding ancestry combinations: high elf & white/silver ancestry, for that ethereal immortal feeling (also fun to add stereotypical dragon traits with the white dragons, in that you’re an ethereal immortal who really holds a grudge and does not do ‘forgive and forget’), half-elf & green ancestry, for a strongly outcast, political bent, halfling/gnome & copper ancestry, because if you’re going to go for a tiny trickster you might as well go all out …

Or we have my old favourite, a tortle sorcerer with (somehow) a dragon turtle ancestor, because great-grandpa Uhok never met an older and (significantly) larger lady he didn’t want to pursue, and great-grandma Korthalok was honestly rather flattered. (Yes, I am aware that dragon turtles are not high dragons, but they are intelligent, and they’re probably innately magical/elemental enough to put a bit of magic in the bloodline)

Shadow Magic

The sorcerer’s gothic option! I do love it. Your magic comes from a strange, grim shadow realm, either because you were touched by said realm, or one of your ancestors was an entity from said realm. You get a demonic shadow hound, teleportation from shadow to shadow, and later an actual shadow form. Lots to work with there.

I feel like there’s a lot of Lovecraftian, Dreamlands, William Hope Hodgson sort of feeling here. The dark touch of a strange realm. Emphasis on isolation, desolation, alienation. Loneliness. This is also the subclass where I really, really like a later-life coming into your powers, a traumatic event causing a normal person to suddenly develop horrifying magic.

So. Any of your gothic/cosmic horror backstories. You were kidnapped and subjected to a horrific ritual. You were created in a horrific ritual (hi Warforged!). You suffered a severe, inexplicable illness as a child, and remained pale, half-dead, and possessed of strange powers for the rest of your life (I love the shadow sorcerer quirks list). An insane ancestor entered the Negative Plane and your line was almost annihilated by the resulting Nightwalker, but you somehow survived. Your parent was an extremely powerful magic user studying the Shadowfell, and you only realised much later on in your life that your childhood ‘imaginary friends’ were actually Sorrowsworn (Lost and Lonely?) that haunted your ancestral home and that your parent was somehow keeping from killing you. You tried to steal from a powerful, vindictive wizard, who flung you into the Shadowfell for your temerity, and you don’t fully remember how you survived. You slept in a barrow as a dare when you were younger, and an allip whispered secrets to you that lead you to dream of a dark realm, dreams that seemed to gradually change you as you ‘recovered’ …

This entire subclass is just very much ‘go nuts on the horror tropes and have fun’. I love it dearly.

Aberrant Mind

A new one from Tasha’s, but the other Lovecraftian/horror themed sorcerer subclass now. Which is perfectly fine, because I can always roll with more Lovecraftian horror! If shadow magic was themed strongly towards undead, Aberrant Mind seems strongly themed towards aberrations. Body horror and psychic powers! Boo yeah!

I do like the suggested origins. Particularly the parasitic twin and the imaginary friend ones. I think there’s a lot of fun to be had with those. Aberrant mind does feel more … on the science fiction end of horror, more than the fantasy? There’s a different flavour compared to shadow magic. We’re talking alien abduction and Carrie-esque childhood trauma here. Particularly when you get to the higher level actual physical transformation elements. Bit of Akira in there, bit of Innsmouth. So.

I’m liking characters who are a bit ‘aberrant’ on their own merits, even before their powers kick in as well. The outcasts from the get-go. The albino half-orc abandoned by the tribe as a child and befriended/kept safe by their possibly-imaginary flumph friend. The fallen aasimar whose blessings allowed them to survive where their stillborn twin did not, but who still feels the touch of a ghostly hand in theirs (I’m not sure how well it fully gels, but I feel like an Atropal is a very interesting concept to lay alongside this – stillborn gods and blessed, aberrant champions – celestial guides and the whisperings of parasitic twins … not sure how well it fits, but there’s a lot of crunchy concepts there)

Also, there’s your chance to have some fun with the Underdark races. Duergar, Deep Gnomes and Drow. Or sea races, when we have fun with Aboleths. Or non-sea races who still had a bit of fun with Aboleths, if we want to fully embrace the Innsmouth vibes and have normal land-based elves/humans/halflings who come over all Deep-One in the end. You come from a quaint little village on the coast, where the coming-of-age ceremony involved something of an opening of the mind. Nothing to worry about, everyone does it where you come from. Yes indeed! Heh.

And then, to bring us back to the less-horrifying end of sorcerers, and to revisit my childhood in a big way, we have:

Wild Magic

Schmendrick the Magician! Sorry, I grew up on The Last Unicorn, you’ll have to forgive me this. (Is Schmendrick actually part of the inspiration here, I’m wondering?)

But honestly, wild magic really lends itself to down-on-their-luck characters, running ahead of their own chaos, or striving to learn to control their powers. Or, on the flipside, incredibly laissez-faire types who decided to just roll with and eventually enjoy or perpetuate a little chaos. So. Tricksters, shysters and earnest young things trying to do their best.

So. You could do a straight Schmendrick. A down-on-their-luck kid who really, really wants to be a real wizard, a great magician, but their magic just will not cooperate. It has a mind of its own, and their struggle is learning to either minimise or lean into the chaos and power of it. (I like a background as a tailor/seamstress for this, partly because of animated Schmendrick’s memorable patchwork robes, but also as a little practical detail in that, if you can’t trust your magical mending not to do a ‘Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ on it every damn time, you probably would learn to darn your socks the old fashioned way)

For a variation, you could do a bit of a snake-oil salesperson sort of deal. A down-on-their-luck sorcerer turned shyster/criminal to make ends meet. Wild magic works very well as a sort of bloodline curse, bad luck and chaos following a family. A woman of the Witchbottle clan pissed off an archfey way back when, and so every girl born to the line since has struggled with wild magic. So the clan tends to move around a lot, both individually and as a whole, and individual members of it tend to work around their inevitable getting run out of town for magical mishaps in their own ways. The clan has a lot of travelling entertainers, salespeople, criminals, etc, and tend to be very loyal to each other, even if they don’t see each other all that often (concentrations of wild magic in a single area tend to be bad for said area, so family gatherings are discouraged near civilisation).

And then there are your straight trickster characters. Ones with a more philosophical approach to chaos, a belief that you should be able to deal with the unexpected, and that maybe other people should be helped along in experiencing and dealing with it too. I like bards for tricksters, but wild magic sorcerers work very well too. Heh.

I know Wild Magic might not be the most functional of the subclasses, but it’s got a direct line to my childhood, and I feel like it’s still a really fun idea.

In summary? I like the squishy spindly magic people. They’re fun.

[the-busy-ghost]

If you don't mind answering, what are some things that you really, really wish you'd see more of in depictions of medieval Scotland/Early Modern Scotland?

I absolutely don’t mind answering, thank you for asking! 

I’m told there are some better quality novels than there are tv shows and films, so there are some aspects that have been done in good novels (though I’m not so familiar with them). There are so many things though that could be done on screen:

- Chiefly I spend a lot of my time wishing that there was more attention paid to the actual geographical make-up of Scotland and its regional variety, e.t.c beyond just splitting everything into Highland/Lowland, or just portraying everyone as being part of a Clan in the Highland sense, or just sticking everyone in Edinburgh as if that was the only place where anything happened. Orkney was very different to Galloway, and the Borders were very different to the Western Isles, and Ross was different to Aberdeenshire. 

Now if this was true for the sixteenth century, it is even MORE true for the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth centuries. Between the early Middle Ages and the end of the thirteenth century, Scotland was settled by a lot of different cultures- so in the twelfth century for example, much of the country (the traditional heartland of ‘Scotia’ north of the Forth) may have spoken Gaelic but Lothian had been settled by speakers of Old English some centuries ago and their language became Scots in time, and spread north of the Forth into Fife, Angus, Aberdeenshire and elsewhere so that by the sixteenth century it was much more widely spoken and the language of government. The south-west, especially the area around the Clyde and Glasgow was a British kingdom for a long time, speaking a language not dissimilar to Old Welsh- this kingdom had (sort of) disappeared by the mid-twelfth century but the language took a while to completely disappear. Up in Orkney, Shetland, and Caithness, rather like in Iceland and the Faroes, Norse settlers had taken over and Norse culture has still left traces there today. From the fourteenth century, Scots began to take over in the Northern Isles but there was still a very clear Norse background in the sixteenth century. Meanwhile in the Western Isles, the Norse newcomers did not manage to erase Gaelic so completely as they did in the Northern Isles, but they did leave their mark on the Hebrides, to the extent that the inhabitants in the Western Isles in the in the twelfth century were descendants of both cultures- they are sometimes called Gall-Ghàidheil in Gaelic, meaning ‘foreigner Gael’. Then over the course of the twelfth century more new immigrants moved in. The ranks of the nobility were swelled by Norman, Breton, and other French settlers- unlike England, there was no ‘Norman Conquest’, and the process was more gradual, but although the French language never had the same power in Scotland as it did in thirteenth century England, these settlers left their mark on the feudal system and other aspects of Scottish society, and in turn they too were affected by the cultures they encountered in Scotland. Other smaller pockets of immigration existed- immigrants from Flanders and the Netherlands, for example, were instrumental to developing Scottish towns and improving agriculture. In the east coast burghs of Fife and Lothian you can still see some architectural elements that may have been the result of trade with the Dutch- crow-stepped gables and red pantiles for example. 

Although most of these cultures have altered and changed by the sixteenth century, the fact remains that the cultural backdrop to fourteenth or fifteenth century Scotland was a real mix- Gaelic, English, French, Norse, Flemish, British- and, perhaps, whatever it was that the elusive Picts left behind beyond their wonderful stone monuments. I have perhaps oversimplified things here but the point is that mediaeval and early modern Scotland was not a cultural monolith- something which both Scottish and foreign film-makers would do well to remember. 

There are also changes to these regions across the years- Orkney going from being a Norwegian/Danish territory to becoming part of the Scottish kingdom, or the borders which had some of the best farmland and richest abbeys in the country in the thirteenth century becoming a very militarised and rather lawless zone after the Wars of Independence. I think it would be really interesting to see that portrayed on screen.  

- Ok so that was the fundamental thing, apologies for the rant. But to go with that, more understanding of the landscape and architecture. In all fairness most tv shows and films involving Scotland, no matter how bad they are, at least have some lovely panning shots of the Highlands but there’s more to the country than Glencoe- you could really work with views like the sun on the sea from the Carrick coast or the beautiful if ruinous religious architecture- like the abbeys of Melrose or Arbroath or somewhere like Elgin Cathedral or Rosslyn Chapel or Inchmahome Priory. 

- Costuming! Again this fits into the regional thing a bit, but it’s also more general. It’s a quibble I have with almost any medieval media but especially when it comes to Scotland people get really lazy with the costuming and just slap some shortbread tin stuff together rather than putting any thought into it. 

- More traditional music! A surprising number of ballads and songs that are still popular among folk singers today are thought to have their roots in early modern if not mediaeval Scotland. And again the musical heritage of Scotland is varied depending on the culture it comes from. 

- More properly developed female characters. Even though half the historical films made about Scotland are about Mary Queen of Scots, there are almost no good depictions of historical Scotswomen- and that’s NOT because there aren’t any interesting women in Scottish history before the modern period! There are lots of fascinating women’s stories from mediaeval and early modern Scotland, and although we are often frustrated by a lack of sources, we know they were there. More importantly, even if every woman was not a Certified Bad-Ass, as a whole women in Scottish history are not invisible and we can often see them in the records, whether operating in domestic, business, religious, or political contexts. Oddly, in their quest to show how Uniquely Misogynistic and Evil the Scottish nobility were to Mary Queen of Scots or Margaret Tudor or whoever, film-makers often end up ignoring women’s stories and therefore perpetuating the sexist view of history they claim to hate. (Though, yes mediaeval and early modern Scotland WAS misogynistic- but show me a country that wasn’t. Also it was misogynistic in a slightly different way to some other countries). I could list off dozens of interesting Scotswomen who lived before 1603- even though we sometimes can’t tell that much about their inner lives from the surviving sources, it’s obvious they were of some importance. And again it fits back into the cultural variety thing, because that was not limited to Lowland, Scots-speaking noblewomen. 

- More art and literature and architecture and education and music and EVERYTHING. Scotland lost a LOT during the Reformation and due to Anglo-Scottish warfare (that’s what happens when the main centre of your kingdom is near to a border). But we know that, though it was sometimes an out of the way place, Scotland could be just as heavily tied into European cultural trends as any other northern country. And there are some beautiful surviving cultural artefacts that hint at a more vibrant past- both produced in Scotland (in the Gaelic and Scots-speaking environments) and imported from abroad. 

- Equally on that note, more focus on its connections to countries other than England.�� Scotland had three universities by 1500, and yet many Scottish students still went to study abroad, especially in France, but also in England, the Low Countries, Italy, and elsewhere. An Italian humanist taught at the Abbey of Kinloss away up in Moray in the sixteenth century, and Scottish thinkers were in touch with other great minds of the day. Scots also fought abroad (see mercenaries in Sweden, or James IV’s support given to his uncle the king of Denmark, or the Garde Écossaise), and traded heavily across the North Sea (there were multiple Scots merchant colonies on the continent, not least at Veere). Scotland’s relations with Norway, Denmark, the Low Countries, the Papacy, Ireland (both as part of the kingdom of England and with individual Irish families), and other countries could be almost as important as its relationships with France and England. The eternal triangle of Scotland, England, and France, was not actually always the story- there were occasions when England and France played very little role in Scotland’s foreign affairs, let alone its domestic history.

- In particular an acknowledgement of the high quality of Scots poetry in the late fifteenth and early sixteenth centuries wouldn’t go amiss. 

- This is one which applies to all mediaeval media- but a more varied and interesting depiction of mediaeval religion would be good. In Scotland, this was also linked to the way people saw their own history- any sixteenth century Scot would have known some of the native saints, and anyone half-educated might have heard the names of David I and St Margaret and Columba, and known where the great abbeys in the kingdom came from. 

- Actually a basic knowledge of Scottish history and legends beyond a few famous names. For example family was important in noble society- just because the stereotypical The Clans Are Gathering model is massively inaccurate, doesn’t mean that noble families in Scotland didn’t care about ancestry and kinship. But it would be great if tv shows and movies could actually think about how to portray that- and it really shows how little some of these scriptwriters know about their characters when they’re supposedly obsessed with the honour of the clan but the only piece of their country’s history they know is the name William Wallace. If you’re portraying the Douglases- even the earls of Angus who weren’t directly descended from him- the legacy of Sir James Douglas would have been a source of some pride. For actual ‘clans’, you could be dealing with some of the clans in the west of Scotland who, like some families in Ireland, claimed descent from Niall of the Nine Hostages. Some family histories got warped along the way- the Stewarts, for example, seem to have forgotten that they were descended from a Breton named Flaald by the fifteenth century and instead latched onto a story involving a character named Fleance (the one who later appears in Macbeth). As for legends- you could have a lot of fun with the different kinds of fairy belief that existed in Scotland, from the Borders (where it inspired ballads like Tam Lin) to the Highlands, or you could bring up legendary figures that are shared with other countries like King Arthur or Fionn Mac Cumhaill or Robin Hood or Hector of Troy. Sometimes the legends even cross over into real life- Thomas the Rhymer, hero of ballads and fairytales, seems to have been based on a real person who lived in the reign of Alexander III; while stories about William Wallace and Robert Bruce often became folk tales in the tradition of other greenwood outlaws like Robin Hood. 

I think it’s pretty evident that my main issues with depictions of mediaeval and early modern Scotland on tv and film are largely because it’s so utterly unlike anything I see in the historical record. I’d love to list specific details and characters I’d like to see portrayed on screen, but before we even get to that point, the whole Generic Portrait of Scotland needs to change, because it doesn’t currently feel very realistic or interesting. All I really want is for the same level of research to be done with regard to Scotland as is done for England or France or any other country- England is often portrayed inaccurately, but there’s still at least 200% more effort put in than for Scotland.

On that note though, James I’s career (or at least the early fifteenth century as a whole) has been ripe for a television adaptation for years. Also I’m personally fascinated by ordinary rural life, patterns of agriculture and landholding, e.t.c. so even just an ordinary story set in an early sixteenth century fermtoun would be cool. But I don’t really think these stories would make any sense to people if Scotland was just portrayed the way it usually is - a generic country with no culture beyond a few scraps of tartan and alcohol and Anglophobia.

Thank you for the opportunity to rant, and apologies for the screed! I couldn’t express my enthusiasm very concisely I’m afraid. I genuinely don’t mind if there’s some inaccuracies to portrayals of Scotland, but now all portrayals are exactly the same and almost wholly inaccurate so it gets frustrating.

[ineffable-endearments]

Interwoven

A 2300-word musing that starts out sounding like a headcanon and ends up being an obscenely sweet, gooey short fluff story.

Pairing: Aziraphale/Crowley

Rating: T

Warnings: Naked cuddling. The characters have no genitalia but they are very naked.

Read here on AO3, if you would like!

=

Crowley and Aziraphale have a fraught history with touch.

For Crowley, physical touch used to be a threat, or a challenge, or at the very least a gesture of disrespect. Hell is crowded, demons bumping into each other every which way. At the same time, none of them would admit to wanting any sort of touch anyway because Hell has told them, rather violently, that they’re not supposed to. It would be a funny world if demons went around leaning on each other and holding hands, wouldn’t it? (It might give them ideas.)

On the other hand, corporal punishment is highly favored among management. Demons get torn apart just for someone else’s fun on a regular basis. Many of them have learned to enjoy watching it happen to other people, too, given that it’s one of the few perverse expressions of humor that aren’t punished.

For Aziraphale, physical touch used to be a tool of manipulation. Although Heaven considers it acceptable to take pleasure in the occasional friendly expression, like a handshake, touching and hugging and holding are still seen as largely “beneath” angels, gross things humans do during their short, vulgar lives. Touches are therefore kept brief. For Aziraphale, they usually involve Gabriel clapping a hand on his shoulder to forcefully end the conversation.

There is a little reminder in there: I am stronger than you, and I am choosing to be nice because I am also a better angel than you. But you don’t have real choices when you talk to me.

During the past six thousand years, for both Crowley and Aziraphale, seeking touch on purpose has been an impermissible demonstration of vulnerability. And yet, they’ve been examples to each other, too.

Crowley’s touch, Aziraphale finds, is nothing like an Archangel’s. There is an exceptional sincerity to it. Whatever Aziraphale might have told himself must be true of demons, he has never felt remotely manipulated in the moments when Crowley made physical contact with him. Crowley keeps a respectful distance most of the time, offering only the occasional tap or nudge, perhaps a handshake. And yet, these rare touches are always imbued with genuine affection, a “You are fascinating” that is entirely novel to Aziraphale. Aziraphale has puzzled over how something as quick as a mere tap on the shoulder could convey all this, but it’s unmistakable.

Aziraphale had let himself touch Crowley, skin-to-skin, in 1941. He’d been so taken by the care Crowley had shown when he handed over the briefcase that Aziraphale had lightly caressed his hand, overcome with an all-consuming thrill of gratitude that sloughed off every single one of his tiresome defenses for a few moments. The whole incident had changed him, but the touch had left him wanting more.

Alright, well, perhaps there had been a moment when Crowley wasn’t so gentle. He had shoved Aziraphale a bit roughly against that wall in the convent, after all. But there was something in it - something so profoundly different from how it felt being shoved by Uriel. Crowley had been practically oozing desperation, care; Uriel had been steeped in a self-righteous contempt, which is far colder and more dangerous. Aziraphale had wanted Uriel to go away, but part of him had rather wanted to lean into Crowley.

Aziraphale’s touch, Crowley finds, is nothing like anything the demons inflict on each other. It’s almost absurdly gentle, attentive, and cautious. Whatever presumptuous hot air Aziraphale fills his words with, it does not translate into his touch. Aziraphale rarely makes physical contact with Crowley, but when he does, it brings with it a type of openness, Aziraphale’s full attention. In doing so, he makes himself vulnerable. Aziraphale’s touches always seem to say, “You are fascinating,” even when putting such a sentiment into words would be inadvisable.

It had been like that in 1941, when Aziraphale slid his fingers over Crowley’s for just a couple of seconds as he accepted the briefcase. Crowley had never been treated like the center of the world before, but there Aziraphale was, practically spinning around him, so wondrously charged was that touch. It was intense, overwhelming, but Crowley goes back to that moment often.

...Hmm. Perhaps there had been a moment when Aziraphale had touched Crowley with a bit of condescension: the horrid argument on the bandstand. He’d just barely brushed Crowley’s finger, pointing at him, but it had felt like being slammed against a wall for all the desperate, scrabbling frustration in it. Still, that tiniest of touches from Aziraphale had shut Crowley up, because it sent him reeling with how badly he wanted things to be different and, even more staggeringly, how badly Aziraphale also wanted things to be different.

MAY 2019

Now, things are different.

They had been close to each other, had held each other, on the night of Armageddon. But they’d both been overwhelmed and dissociating at the time, and it had felt like maybe things were supposed to go back to “normal” afterward. They hadn't touched so much since. In any case, Crowley really, really, really wants to hold Aziraphale. Now and all the time.

Individual angels are supposed to devote themselves wholly to Heaven, which they think means the Greater Good. Individual demons are supposed to fight for Hell, which basically means fighting to keep their own arses safe. In Heaven and Hell, there are friendships of a sort, people who prefer each other’s company to others, but no overarching support for committed intimate partnerships between just a tiny number of people. Heaven and Hell, in their demands for groveling loyalty, would both hate that idea. Aziraphale and Crowley are pioneers in this way.

It’s all a bit confusing, and Crowley is going to start just by getting very close to Aziraphale.

Currently, they’re at a hotel, and Aziraphale has opted to read on the bed next to Crowley instead of in the chair that also came with the room. Every one of his ridiculous layers is still on except for his shoes; in contrast, Crowley is in silk pajamas. Crowley puts his hand down, just casually letting it lie there, and closes his eyes, as if to doze off. Only a few minutes pass before Aziraphale takes it.

Crowley tilts his hand up to actively hold Aziraphale’s and spends the next ten minutes gathering the courage to look over. When he does, Aziraphale notices and gives him a quick, nervous smile. “Alright?” Aziraphale asks.

“Good,” Crowley breathes. “Yeah. Yeah, good.”

Aziraphale puts the book on the nightstand, turning to Crowley, and lies on his side. He adds his other hand to their hold, so he’s cradling the one Crowley had offered earlier.

“I’ve thought for some time that I would like to embrace you again,” he says. “Would you mind trying it?”

Crowley shakes his head. “No. I mean yes. No, I wouldn’t mind.”

They shuffle over to each other for a moment of indecision, not sure where to put their limbs at first. But Aziraphale moves faster this time, to Crowley’s surprise, pulling him into an embrace like he’s been waiting for this for months (and maybe he has). Crouching Angel, Hidden...Snuggler? Anyway, they shift about so that they’re more or less on their sides, lying nose-to-nose. After the rush of tension wears off, Crowley is swept up in the closeness, the heat that pours off Aziraphale, his cologne, the tenderness of his arms and thoughtfulness in his eyes. They’re blue, but an obscure sort of blue. An Earthly blue.

Aziraphale studies Crowley’s face, too. “What do you think?” he asks.

Crowley opts for something other than words and holds tighter to Aziraphale. Aziraphale seems to take a cue from this, squeezing Crowley close as well, curling toward him, in fact, and it feels only natural for Crowley to bring his hand up to ruffle Aziraphale’s hair as he practically nestles into Crowley’s chest.

“My dear,” Aziraphale sighs in utter contentment.

For a long time, they lie like this. This gentle, gentle touch. Crowley has never been “cradled” in anything - even in the Beginning, he never had that sense of security, hadn’t known he was missing anything. He has it now, his angel at once holding him and seeking the comfort Crowley has always longed to give. Crowley finds he wants more - wants to feel Aziraphale bearing his entire self, wants to bear his own self in return.

“I’m going to make a suggestion,” says Crowley, “and if you don’t want to go along with it, we’ll pretend I didn’t say anything.”

Aziraphale chuffs. “What is it?”

“See, what if we just ditched our clothes?”

“Oh, but I’ve had these for--”

“Not permanently. Just...take them off. So they’re not, er, a distraction.”

Aziraphale seems to mull the idea over in his head.

Okay. If he argues again, Crowley will let it go. “Thought it might be sort of nice to do this without them,” he adds. “Just as an experiment. But like I said, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

“Oh, I didn’t say I didn’t want to do it. I was just thinking about how.”

Crowley nods. “Right. Right, then.”

“How do you want to do this?” Aziraphale prompts.

“Miracles,” Crowley answers. “I really don’t want to move right now.”

Aziraphale pauses, almost as if he’s getting ready to scold Crowley for being lazy, and then...he snaps his fingers. Their clothes disappear, presumably folded up on the dresser (not that Crowley cares).

Crowley and Aziraphale are in each other’s arms, still, but naked now, gloriously skin-to-skin. The pleasant shock of warmth jolts Crowley in the best way. Aziraphale makes a little gasping sound, and he feels Crowley's chest and arms and back as if to ascertain that he's still here. He plants a kiss in the notch of Crowley's neck.

Never has Crowley known such completion.

“Lovely, but a little cold on my back,” Aziraphale complains eventually.

Crowley glances toward the foot of the bed, where a deep maroon blanket is all folded up, and uses his foot to heft it up toward the two of them.

Someday, Aziraphale thinks vaguely, he would be curious about making the effort to manifest genitalia. It would be a very Earthly thing to explore, after all. But today is not that day, and they are entirely without sexual parts, instead somewhat smooth and rounded between the legs.

Crowley’s lanky limbs are perfect for wrapping around Aziraphale, an armor of affection, and Aziraphale would like to believe his own round softness is perfect for relieving the pressure on Crowley’s pointy edges. Today is a day for skin on skin, each angel’s soothing body heat enveloping the other under this cover of Earth-made materials, not a thread of firmament in sight. Good.

Crowley is wearing a mild but fashionable cologne that plays nicely with his natural smokiness. He’s like a hearth-fire, or the smoke from a birthday candle. He is the absolute essence of sanctuary, the lantern that lights everything inside and the candle by which Aziraphale reads.

Aziraphale finds himself pressed against Crowley’s chest, talking to his heart. This is as good a time as he will find, Aziraphale suspects, to get them both on the same page.

“I have no intention of making you uncomfortable, but I do believe there are things which should be stated plainly,” he begins. Suppose Crowley doesn’t want to talk about feelings? He’s never particularly been a fan.

“Right.” Crowley swallows. Aziraphale watches his throat, bobbing like he’s gulped his anxiety down. “It’s fine. Say what you need.”

Aziraphale does not rush. He does find, however, that it’s easier to say this when they’re embracing so closely. Perhaps the symbolism of removing clothes in literature has rubbed off on him; it feels as if his defenses are already about as far down as they could be, and Crowley is still here with him. Surely he won’t be chased away now. “Ah. Alright then. I wanted to say...you must know that I love you dearly, Crowley. You knew, didn’t you?”

A breath, as if of...relief? “I think I knew.” Crowley squeezes, caressing Aziraphale’s hair. “I knew.”

“I don’t expect--”

“I have something to say, too,” Crowley interrupts, then hesitates.

“Oh?”

“Well.” He clears his throat. “Everything’s always been all topsy-turvy since the Fall, good is bad, bad is good. Makes it harder to say the truth, you know? Since the Beginning.” He sighs and waits; hoping to soothe him, Aziraphale strokes Crowley’s back, where his wings would join his body if he had them out. “Somewhere deep down, I think I always knew. But Armageddon made me admit it. I love you, angel. Wasn’t made for it. But here I am.”

Aziraphale sneaks a glance up at Crowley’s face. He’s peering back, watching for Aziraphale’s reaction. And indeed, there are still things in this world they don’t see eye-to-eye on. He doesn’t want to mess this up, accidentally hurt Crowley or come across the wrong way.

“I think,” Aziraphale says carefully, “you’re fantastically good at it.”

A huge smile breaks across Crowley’s face. Never has Aziraphale known such completion. He squeezes again, hoping that Crowley can feel exactly how cherished he is. Meanwhile, Crowley returns the favor, pressing a kiss to the top of Aziraphale’s head.

Unlike the fraught impositions of Heaven and Hell, the touch that Crowley and Aziraphale share contains the thrill of mutual consent. Theirs is the adoring deep-touch of full-body skin on skin, of scarlet sunrays coming to rest on evening clouds, of roots in the soil. And it is the hold of two clasped hands, of braids winding together, of the nautilus curling into its shell. Each holds and is held. They wind around each other, naked and happy, as interwoven as the Earthly fabric that surrounds them, as interwoven as the fabric of the universe itself.

[mst3kproject]

The Strange World of Planet X

The Strange World of Planet X, also known as Cosmic Monsters, was released on a double bill with The Crawling Eye and stars Forrest Tucker of the same.  It’s got a giant spider and a deep-voiced 50’s narrator droning about the terrors of the atomic age, in a film so dry all my plants shriveled up and my contact lenses adhered to my eyeballs.

Mad Dr. Laird, with the help of his assistants Gil and Michele, is baking things in intense magnetic fields in order to rearrange the molecules and turn metal into putty – the general idea is that someday this will allow them to melt enemy planes right out from under their pilots. Would that melt the pilots, too? Gross.  At the same time and perhaps related, flying saucers are being sighted over Britain and a mysterious man named Mr. Smith is wandering around in the woods and getting worryingly chummy with local children.  After a lot of standing around and talking, Smith reveals that he is from outer space and has come to warn us that Laird’s magnetic fields are tearing apart the Earth’s ionosphere, letting in cosmic rays that will mutate humans into murderers and insects into giants!

Since my last ETNW was fairly well-paced and entertaining, the law of averages tells us that this one’s gonna be a real turd, and sure enough… remember all my griping about how Radar Secret Service was literally unwatchable, as in I could not force myself to keep looking at it?  The Strange World of Planet X is like that but with a British accent.  Most of it is just ugly gray people in ugly gray rooms, droning on about whatever at far greater length than necessary.  Everybody sounds like they’re reading their lines off cue cards, the photography was awful to begin with and the degraded print makes it really hard to tell what the hell is going on. Fuck this movie.

The film’s general insufferability is made all the worse because normally giant bug movies are among my favourite types of crappy old sci fi.  What could possibly be more fun than giant grasshoppers crawling all over postcards of Chicago?  If the bug bits were fun, that would go a long way towards saving this one, but of course, they’re terrible.  It’s mostly too dark to even see the giant insects, and when we do see them, they’re nothing but close-ups of live (and sometimes dead) roaches and grasshoppers.  Only a couple of shots even attempt to composite them in with live actors and those are so dark and blurry that it frankly wasn’t worth the effort.

The other main ‘effect’ in the movie is a couple of flying saucers.  These are unidentifiable white blobs when far away, and ridiculous tinfoil models dangling from strings up close.  The pie pans in Plan 9 from Outer Space are worse… but not by much.

What should be the most exciting part of the film is the battle in the woods between the soldiers and the giant bugs, but it’s mishandled in the same sort of way as the supposedly climactic fight in Invasion of the Neptune Men.  There’s no narrative or any characters we care about – just soldiers running around shooting at things.  Where are they?  How close are they to the town?  Are there civilians in peril?  We don’t know.  To be effective on screen, a battle needs a story.  The battle in Army of Darkness is about the need to protect the Necronomicon.  We can see the Deadites getting closer to the tower, as Ash pulls out more and more ridiculous secret weapons to keep them back.  The Strange World of Planet X is just random people and bugs, not even in the same shot.

There is some half-decent magnetosphere science in the movie, I guess.  The Earth’s magnetic field does protect us from the harsh radiation of outer space, although all the most harmful components of that come from the sun rather than from further afield, and such radiation can damage DNA.  This is why the ozone layer was such a big deal in the 80’s. This space radiation is much more likely to give bugs cancer than to make them grow huge, but in a movie I can handle that.  The really weird thing here is that, because they say it screens out the heaviest of the cosmic rays, they call the ionosphere the ‘heavyside layer’.  I would not have thought it possible that Cats could make less sense and yet here we are.

If you want some proper Crap Movie Science, there’s their explanation of how the monsters grew so big – mutations for size were able to pile up quickly because insects breed fast and therefore evolve fast.  I guess this makes more sense than individuals growing out of control as a result of whatever… but they appear to have applied it to a whole range of creatures regardless of their actual life cycles. Some insects do breed quickly, but quite a few of them have specific seasons and conditions for it.  This feels like a nitpick, though… I mean, by watching a giant bug movie I’ve already accepted that they can become huge so I should probably just shut up.

As an interesting note, Smith mentions that on his home planet there are giant dragonflies.  He doesn’t say how giant, though he implies they’re big enough to ride on. Firstly, man, I wanna ride a giant dragonfly!  Second, this tells us that Smith’s home planet has more oxygen in its atmosphere than Earth, because the reason insects can’t get bigger than they do is because they don’t actively breathe, but have to let oxygen diffuse into their tissues on its own (this is why there were six foot millipedes during the Carboniferous era — more oxygen in the air). The writers, sadly, do not seem to have known or cared about this, since Smith himself shows no signs of having to adjust to our atmosphere.  Missed opportunity there.

Since this is me, of course I’m gonna talk about how the movie treats women. Click the back button now. There are several female characters in The Strange World of Planet X, and while they're pretty bland they do manage to have conversations with each other about things besides men, and the honest impression I get is that the writers are trying really hard not to be assholes.  The first woman we meet is Michele, who has been assigned as Dr. Laird’s new computer operator after the previous one was electrocuted in a lab accident.  When he learns that the replacement is a woman, Laird complains about it loudly, protesting that ‘this is skilled work!’, and Gil gripes that female scientists are dour and unattractive.  Michele, of course, proves them both wrong – she is both brilliant and pretty, the latter mostly so that she can be Gil’s love interest but also at least in part to shatter the stereotype. It's thanks to movies like this setting the precedent that modern films are up to their eyeballs in hot but useless science women… but like I said, they tried.

The script is actually at great pains to emphasize that Michele is intelligent, educated, and the equal of any of the men, at least where science is concerned. Unfortunately, its way of going about it is to have them praise her for every little thing she says and does, to the point where it starts to sound awfully patronizing.  They call her ‘clever girl’ like she’s six years old and it frequently comes across as their complimenting her intelligence in order to deflect when she asks awkward questions.

Naturally there’s a love triangle in this movie.  It appears only to be immediately and peacefully resolved, and Gil’s rival for Michele’s affections is dead shortly thereafter. Why fucking bother?

A tad better-treated is Jane, the little girl fascinated by arthropods (she describes them as ‘bugs’, saying all insects are bugs, but not all bugs are insects.  While entomologically incorrect, this same definition of bug was used by David Attenborough in Micro Monsters, so I’m okay with it).  One of the reasons I think the writers were earnestly trying to be feminist is because they place a girl in this role rather than a boy.  Susan Redway isn’t any better than any of the other actors, but the character was definitely written by somebody who knew what appeals to children.  I love the bit where Jane promises to show her new teacher her favourite type of beetle, delightedly informing her, “they’re horrid-looking!”

The teacher, Miss Forsyth, is another attempt to buck a stereotype. Jane complains that she hated her previous teacher, who was appalled by her interest in crawly things.  Miss Forsythe makes a good first impression by encouraging her instead.  Again, this feels like the writers really were trying.  They want to say that the right thing to do here is to support Jane’s interests and ambitions, and someday perhaps she’ll be a talented entomologist, just as Michele is a computer whiz.

From a twenty-first century point of view, this makes for an odd contrast with one of the other notable features of how women are portrayed in this movie – they don’t come alone.  Adult women in The Strange World of Planet X must have a male partner, and if they don’t start out with one they will be assigned one! Michele pairs up with Gil, and Miss Forsythe accepts a date with the man who saved her from one of the mutants.  This second budding relationship has no effect on the story and indeed is never referenced again, it’s just there.  All the other women we meet are either dating or married… although now that I think of it this may be less sexist than it is a way to make a point of Dr. Laird’s single-minded obsession with his work. Everybody else, even scientists, has time to be a human being – but not him.

I should also discuss one more interesting tidbit offered by Smith. He says his people have been watching humanity and studying us basically since we invented ourselves, and they have never interfered before now.  Why now? Out of ‘enlightened self-interest’, he says – this is the closest humans have yet come to destroying ourselves, but it’s also the closest we’ve come to being a threat to our extraterrestrial observers.  One of Dr. Laird’s experiments, intended to destroy enemy planes, brought down a flying saucer instead!  The fact that Smith is willing to admit this suggests that he is extremely confident about the aliens’ ability to strike back if humanity should decided to start shooting down saucers on purpose.  The finale then bears this out… although it also left me thinking that the film could have ended very differently if only hacking had been a thing in the fifties!

So yet another instance of good ideas, unexplored and badly executed.  Also yet another black and white movie… what is that, six in a row?  Yikes.  See you in ten days, when I promise I will have something for you in colour.  It’ll be like slogging through the beginning of Season Eight and then finally arriving at The Giant Spider Invasion!

[manuscripts-dontburn]

Carrie

Author: Stephen King

First published: 1974

Pages: 171

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 1 day

A good entertainment to cleanse my palette.... Might check out more King books eventually.

The Price Guide to the Occult

Author: Leslye Walton

First published: 2018

Pages: 288

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

First of all, there should be a MASSIVE trigger warning for self-harm and parental abuse. Second of all, this is one of those books that simply needed more meat and more time. The premise is interesting, the writing beautiful, but all the gore and horror in it would have benefitted greatly from a more complex world. Many key scenes and situations were explained in a hurry and left one unsatisfied. And saying all that, just because a book is centred around a teen girl should not make it a YA. Because this is not.

My Grandmother Sends Her Regards and Apologises

Author: Fredrik Backman

First published: 2013

Pages: 342

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 4 days

Look, I completely understand why this book is so praised by many people. I could pinpoint the many places in it which probably resonate with others. But for whatever reason, I was bored for most of it. I had to force myself to continue reading and that is never good. This was just not for me.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Getting Lucky

Author: Mackenzi Lee

First published: 2019

Pages: 128

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

This was just friggin stinking cute. Cannot wait for another book in this series.

Medieval Bodies: Life, Death and Art in the Middle Ages

Author: Jack Hartnell

First published: 2019

Pages: 352

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 11 days

Very accessible to anyone, with or without a knowledge of medieval times. I enjoyed the way the book was structured according to various body parts, which then were used as a base for a discussion of other topics relevant to life in the Middle Ages. It is not just medicine, but also sexuality, travelling, fashion and other themes. I would have liked the book to be much more lengthy, to be honest, because I simply found it fascinating. My favourite part? Probably the ode to the vagina and the explanation of the penis trees. I am just a lowly human with a dirty mind after all!

The Raven Boys

Author: Maggie Stiefvater

First published: 2012

Pages: 409

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 5 days

I had so much fun reading this! It was like The Secret History by Donna Tart, except less on crack and with magic. What I appreciated were the were very real conflicts dealing with social class, the clear individuality of each character, the fact that going to class and striving for good marks is actually a significant factor for these kids and also a twist I did not see coming. Intrigued. Will definitely read the rest of the series.

The Gloaming

Author: Kirsty Logan

First published: 2018

Pages: 320

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 8 days

First of all, I have to say that the cover and Kirsty´s previous books made me expect something completely else than I was given. So here goes for everybody else: this is NOT a book about mermaids and it is NOT in any way related to The Gracekeepers. It is a story about FAMILY and the weight of OBLIGATION in contrast to personal WANTS as well as searching for the meaning of HOME. Sprinkled with just a tiny magical element. The writing is gorgeous and the atmosphere utterly melancholy. So why didn't I love it more? Partly because of my misplaced expectations, but that I could probably overlook. However, this story is so slow that even halfway through the book I still had a feeling it hasn't started yet. It also took a little while to get used to the format in which the timelines skip here and there and everywhere. In the end, it all does click together and it did leave me thinking about the book though. To steal the very last line: perhaps that's all we can ask.

Every Heart a Doorway

Author: Seanan McGuire

First published: 2016

Pages: 168

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 1 day

I truly appreciate the idea as well as inclusivity of this book, at the same time I have to say that if anything, I felt it was unfinished. It felt like a first or second draft, just capturing the basic skeleton (pun intended) of the story before the author would return it and actually put meat on it (he he he). Why should I care for characters I know nothing about and met them yesterday? The language was felt adequate yet fairly unimpressive. And in what reality people have such a lacklustre reaction to brutal murder? This book feels like an opportunity not taken and it is a real pity. Because the premise and even the plot had so much potential.

Zinky Boys: Soviet Voices from the Afghanistan War

Author: Svetlana Alexievich

First published: 1989

Pages: 224

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 5 days

This was an absolutely brutal read. A perfect gallery of human voices and the differences of their experience of the same events. Just really brutal.

Mermaid Moon

Author: Susann Cokal

First published: 2020

Pages: 496

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

I am SO disappointed but I guess it serves me right since this one was a complete cover buy. Unfortunately, the gorgeousness of the book (including UNDER the cover) is not matched by the content. I had expected a melancholy fairytale since after all this is supposed to be a sort of retelling of the Little Mermaid. And the premise itself sounded promising too. A young mermaid comes on land to find her long lost human mother, but unexpected happenings surrounding our main protagonist inspires some pretty strong feelings in a humble and religious community. Sadly the story is told in a way which makes me wonder for whom it was intended. Most of the book reads like the most boring and basic teenage romance (including instalove and a love triangle), but then there are really unnecessary descriptions of interspecies mating techniques. The structure of the story is very sloppy. I feel the 2 stars are more than generous.

Hitler's Forgotten Children: The Shocking True Story of the Nazi Kidnapping Conspiracy

Author: Ingrid Von Oelhafen

First published: 2015

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

I was misled by the title of the book. I went into it expecting a study of Lebensborn (which was not a completely unknown thing to me) which would explore the reasons of its birth (pun not intended), people behind it, more information on the people who ran it, exploration of the routine and of course personal stories of its children. In a concise but rather short and watered-down way, I got all of those, however, it did not offer me any real depth of information. So what this book actually is? It is a personal memoir of a lady who had battled all of her life with the question of identity and origins and found in her later years that she was actually a Lebensborn baby. We get to know her difficulties over searching for information and eventually finding her origins. On one hand, the story is interesting and the writing very accessible, on the other hand, I found it somewhat unengaging and, as previously noted, not too informative for someone like me, who already possesses some knowledge of the matter, both because I have studied history and because the Nazis stealing children has always been a big topic in my country, Czechoslovakia back then since it happened here too. .

The Home For Unwanted Girls

Author: Joanna Goodman

First published: 2018

Pages: 364

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 3 days

A touching tale about complicated family matters and relationships in the context of 1950s Canada. I really enjoyed it and it earns bonus points for teaching me something new in terms of history. Definitely would recommend if you like books like Before We Were Yours.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Stories

Author: Robert Louis Stevenson

First published: 1886

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 9 days

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this collection of short stories. True, I did not much care about one and felt a bit disappointed by another (The Suicide Club which had a phenomenal premise but fell short on excitement or satisfying finish), but overall I was quite intrigued and amused.

The Prince and the Dressmaker

Author: Jen Wang

First published: 2018

Pages: 277

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

Oh my gosh this was SO PURE and THAT FINALE actually had me in stitches!!!!

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

Another one for Friday Night Fights! The challenge hosted by @promptsforthestrugglingauthor . This one is a little weird, and admittedly was both inspired by me binging Girl Defined response videos, as well as my experiences at Church. It’s also written in second person, with the viewpoint character being a ‘nice church girl’. So, just a heads up.

Be a nice church girl. 

You wake up Sunday morning, early enough to watch the beautiful sunrise that God had painted across the sky. Cheerfully, you get out of bed. You didn’t even have to set an alarm clock, because getting up at dawn on Sunday is just a habit to you. Of course it doesn’t bother you at all. You plan out your entire week around the couple of hours you spend in Church. Obviously you’d have slept early the previous evening. It is for your Father in Heaven after all.

You brush your pearly white teeth, carefully scrubbing over each one. They were white and shiny teeth. Of course they had to be. In Church, you could only be seen smiling. And no other expression could really be sufficient there. Before God, you simply had to present your best self, and what better way is there to exist in? Happy, cheerful, a delight. You simply were overjoyed to be there.

Your hair and makeup done. Perfected. Just feminine enough to be perceived as a perfectly charming woman. But not too flamboyant to the point where you would stick out. You pick out your outfit next. A simple dress. Floral patterned. A matching baby pink cardigan. White ballet flats of a fairly modest design. Nothing too sparkly, nothing too flashy. Just something simple but feminine. After all, it’s not like you go to Church to draw attention to yourself. All of this is to simply honour God. This was what everyone in Church wore, because it was modest, but presentable. And most importantly, no one would stick out. No one would individuate.

From your dresser, you reach for a simple gold chain. Then a simple set of earrings. They were fake pearls, which did make you a little upset. Because you knew a number of the other girls in Church had real pearl earrings and you knew you couldn’t exactly afford them. You prayed that God would help you with your sin of envy. After all, at the very least you did have those fake pearl earrings. Cheap-looking and uncomfortable as they are. You sometimes wished that you didn’t need to wear them. But alas, the look simply wouldn’t be complete without it.

You subconsciously catch yourself chewing your nail, but once you caught yourself you stopped. It was a bad habit. You knew. And after all that work you put into painting your nails, taking care of them, you really wanted to keep them in good condition. Just like how every other woman in Church had nice nails. They all sported evenly painted, unchipped nails. Your hands still shook every time you painted them.

People commented on your nail biting. How it was unhygienic, unsanitary, gross. You knew they just wanted what was best for you. It wasn’t like they were unconcerned. And anyways, they did have a point, didn’t they? Nail polish smelled horrible, but you soldiered through it to apply it on anyways. Maybe someday, you’ll get good enough at nail polish, so that when you see your nails, you would not feel the need to chew them.

You eat breakfast, and when you do you don’t drink coffee. Who really needs sustenance like that? All you really needed in life was the energy which God provides you with. Every day, you can just sleep your planned eight hours, no problem. God provides you with the discipline to stick to your daily schedule. This was no problem. Nothing was impossible for God.

Hail a cab to Church. Quickly, you made it. Everyone there is smiling, dressed in their Sunday best. 

The men looked handsome and dashing in their suits and ties. The women looked beautiful and charming in their modest skirts and dresses. Everyone grins at you when you arrive. You talk about current events. Your families and your jobs; their children, nephews, nieces; sports; the weather; any gossip about other members of the congregation. All very engaging topics which you never used to be particularly interested in, but have found to be absolutely fascinating to talk about. The gossip especially, was a bad habit. But well, we all do fall short of the glory of God. He would surely forgive you.

You found it difficult to differentiate the people around you. You walked up to someone in an orange dress with shoulder length wavy hair, expecting it to be your friend Clara. Instead, it was Elizabeth. You walked up to a tall man with neatly gelled hair and a red tie, and you thought that he was Michael. But it was actually Joseph. It was a little embarrassing. But they were all good sports about it. That was something difficult you frequently had to deal with. Especially in Church. Navigating everyone, because for some odd reason you often had trouble differentiating the people around you. 

Well, some people were easier to differentiate than others. Case in point...

In the corner, reading a book with a smiling dragon on the cover, sat a young girl in a baggy hoodie and a pair of ragged jeans. Her earphones were firmly plugged into her ears. She was listening to music. No one was talking to her, and she didn’t seem particularly bothered by that.

You could only sigh when you saw her. She had been like that for a long time. There had probably been a time when she was a cheerful, sociable child. But now all she did was hang back and keep to herself, which would not do at all. God had commanded us all to be a friend. So you figured you really ought to go over and talk to her. You think you remember her name - Rebecca, if you’re not wrong - so you head over to her, a wide, pearly white grin on your face.

“Hi, Rebecca,” you say. Your voice chipper and loud enough so that she may hear you over her music. It worked to get her attention. She looked up from her book, and pulled out her headphones. You smile. That’s at least some progress. She’s paying attention to the world around her now. 

“Hi,” she said. She closes her book, but places a finger on the page where she left off. She shot you a fairly neutral expression. Neither a smile nor a frown could be seen on her face. Her lips were instead a perfectly straight line. Behind her glasses, her eyes just looked puzzled at why you were there.

You continued smiling. She smiled back, but only by slightly turning the corners of her mouth up. That was another step in the right direction! Smiling was good! Especially smiling in the house of God! Surely, no one had any real reason as to why that was supposed to be a bad thing. You slide beside her, sit next to her at the pew, and continue talking. “So, how have you been lately?”

“Okay,” she said. And then nothing else. Not a ‘how about you?’ or any other elaboration beyond that. That was upsetting. You remember a time back in your past when you were like that. But you soon learned the proper way to talk, hold a conversation. Thanks to all the people who taught you how to talk correctly. Soon, maybe Rebecca would catch on too.

You figured that, at least for now, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to Rebecca about something she was interested in. “What book are you reading?” You ask. It had a dragon on it, so it was probably a fantasy novel of some sort. Most likely a book she has owned for quite a while, since the spine was cracked and the pages were all dog-eared. 

You were never all that into fantasy. When you were younger, you very much preferred science fiction. And though you frequently found yourself yearning at the new science fiction books on display at the bookstore, you knew you shouldn't get too caught up in reading them. Years ago, you used to stay up late reading all those books. Way past midnight. You wouldn’t even crack open your Bible. But now, you’ve made a commitment towards going to bed on time and reading your Bible every day. And though admittedly, some parts of your personal Bible study made you bored, or made you conjure up some terrible questions (no doubt just Satan attempting to make you question your faith), you keep pushing on. Those science fiction novels may be alluring, but they surely aren’t nearly as great as the treasures which would await you in Heaven. 

Rebecca glanced at you, then showed you the back of the book. “It’s called ‘The Thief and The Knight’,” she said. Without any other comment.

You looked at the blurb at the back of the book, which read:

“What, no thank you? I went out of my way to help, you know, I didn’t have to.”

“You almost got me arrested!”

“But you didn’t, so there shouldn’t be a problem. Ungrateful!”

Tenia is a knight in training. Serious, clever, and an overall teacher’s pet, all the people in her life certainly had high hopes for her and her future. 

Kavlin is a mischievous young thief. With nothing but the clothes on his back and his trusty dragon, Gason, he lives every day barely getting by, stealing whatever he needs to live.

The two of them couldn’t have lived lives more different. But one day, when their paths met in a market, they soon found their fates entangled permanently. Now Tenia needs to make a choice. Follow her head and continue her knight training, or follow her heart and walk a new path with Kavlin? 

You sigh. This doesn’t sound like a particularly godly story. You recalled reading several similar stories like that when you were young, and it would always end with the obedient young woman leaving her neatly laid out life for some reckless, hedonistic man. That was definitely not how God intended for young women to live their lives. 

But maybe there’s a twist in this story. “Hm, that sounds interesting. Does she go back to studying hard to become a knight?” You ask. Smiling in as kind a way as you could. 

Rebecca shook her head, which was slightly disappointing for you. “She falls in love with him. They continue working together, she quits being a knight, and together they’re now thieves working to make the kingdom a much better, safer place for the poor.”

“But surely she could have done that while still being a knight? Without becoming a thief?” You ask. “The Bible says that we must use our gifts to help others in need. She could have done good for the poor using the gifts which made her such a promising knight, instead of going on to become a thief. There’s ways of helping others without disobeying the law.”

Rebecca looked at you, biting her lip. You hope that that’s a sign that she’s reconsidering reading something like that. God did say that we should be careful about what we read, and what we think about. If your words would convince her to stop reading something so immoral, that would only be a good thing. 

She took her book back, and held it close to her chest. You shot yet another smile at her, hoping that she understood that you were only concerned about her and the state of her spirit. Hopefully, she will get there soon. You remember how hard it had been to forgo your sci-fi novels. Even to this day, you still kind of miss them. But you could live without them. You could live only on the word of God alone, without any other book. That was something you had to remind yourself almost every day. But it was worth it. It had to be worth it, to be God’s faithful servant.

“At least consider it,” you say. “I’m only concerned for your spiritual well-being, and I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong ideas from the wrong places.” Rebecca still stared at you, her face still seemed fairly expressionless. But maybe, with some prayers, she’ll have her heart and mind changed.

You thought that you heard someone call you, and so you turned back around. “I’m sorry Rebecca,” you say. “I think I’m needed elsewhere now. So I’m going to have to go.” Such a shame. You were hoping to chat with her for a bit longer. Now what she’ll do is slip her headphones back on and bury her nose back into that book of hers. You should know. That was what you used to do back when you were her age.

You tried to recall. Why did you used to do that? Socialising with others in Church was such a pleasant thing. You loved to go every week, and listen to them talk about all the minor life updates that they have. Their new houses and cars. Their children winning participation trophies. Surely, those things were always far more interesting that any book one could bury their nose in. You try and think back, why did you like to read and hide away so much from the world. But you could not dwell on that question any further, because soon you ended up swept away by the crowd. Your train of thought halted. And you got sucked, like a whirlpool, into a sea of identical pearly white smiles and modest dresses.