#Yes I love making myself sad
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Sometimes I wonder if Levi giving out candies to the kids ever remind him of how Hanji greeted him, Isabel and Furlan to the Survey Corps.
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I WILL NEVER RECOVER.
#Yes I love making myself sad#I FEEL SO EMPTY#Levi definitely had a full circle moment when he saw the candy#Oh Hanji my beloved only if you were here :(#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#attack on titan final season#attack on titan the final season#attack on titan final season part 2#attack on titan final season part 2 special 2#aot spoilers#snk spoilers#shingeki#進撃の巨人#levi ackerman#hanji zoe#hange zoe#levihan#levi x hanji#levi x hange#aot levi#snk levi#isabel magnolia#furlan church#acwnr#a choice with no regrets#crying my eyes out
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Eloise Bridgerton being an absolute mood:
and Cressida's reaction of 'this girl is so weird, but I'm into it??? Wait am I into this??'':
#i was so sad that no one had made gifs of this moment#that i simply made one myself#i just love this almost smile cressida has here#like she can't believe eloise would just say and do this sort of thing#which kind of also adds to what she says in a later episode about eloise being courageous#she means this; eloise just being unapologetically herself without caring about whats appropriate#something cressida doesn't have the freedom to do (because she lacks the family support eloise has) but probably wishes she could#i love finding these little moments bc you can interpret so much from them even though they're only seconds long#yes i am autistic why do you ask?#eloise bridgerton#cressida cowper#creloise#bridgerton#bridgerton s3#bridgerton 3x02#gifs#my gifs#(also i don't know how to gif i did my best with what gimp can do)#bc id rather die than using something adobe makes
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So i remember an ask mentioning your mortal enemy, Felis Atra and their cats, and i thought it'd be fun to draw what Felis Atra's version of your italian dogs would be.
I think they would be called Butter Knife and Flamengo! Butter Knife is not his real name, it's an nickname given by his peers because of how harmless he is. I choose Flamengo because that's the name of Vasco's rival football team here in Brazil, so i thought that was the perfect name :)
Cat Machete was slightly inspired by the Oriental Shorthair cat because of their long noses and thin head shape.
Cat Vasco was inspired by the Scottish Fold cat, because FLOPPY EARS. I gave Flamengo longer ears and orange fur to make him more like his look-alike.
The last doodle is a reference to this ask (https://canisalbus.tumblr.com/post/728923918314946560/me-i-am-machete-ear-fan-number-1-those-ears) and contains the tumblr ask stand-in dog, whose cat version was inspired by the American Curl cat! They have round ears that are slightly floppy outwards.
Final notes: I know cardinal clothes don't come in vibrant blue, but i was ADAMANT on switching Machete's and Vasco's clothing color patterns. I would draw the rest of Butter Knife's and Flamengo's clothes, but i suck at designing cool outfits.
Speaking of outfits, for Machete's iconic void outfit, i figured it would be fun to make it more baggy for Butter Knife, in contrast to Machete's, that looks very tight-fitted. I think it's cute, it kinda looks like a sweater. Also i can't imagine a Machete doppelganger without high heels boots, so those HAD to stay.
Oh, and just to be clear, i'm not like, claiming ownership of these guys or anything. I just thought it would be a fun exercise. Hope you like them!! I love your art and your characters.
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#imagine if Vaschete but CATS and REVERSED -> Butter knife ;_; and Flamengo <3#this ask is from last year and I'm sorry I've allowed it sit in my inbox for so long ´m`#but I've been thinking about it intermittedly#the context was that someone said that somewhere out there existed my mortal enemy (felis atra = black/dark cat)#and they had frenzied cat ocs instead of melancholic dogs#first of all they both look so darling I'm getting radiation poisoning just from looking at them aaaaaa#and the fact you put so much thought and effort into this concept is making me go absolutely rabid#extremely strange seeing Machete with big pupils and Vasco with tiny pinpoints#Butter knife purring like a fluffy jackhammer is instant serotonin I love him#and yes if you turned Machete to a cat he'd probably be something resembling an oriental shorthair#especially one of those really exaggerated ones with giant bat ears and roman nose#and I keep visualizing Vasco as a scottish fold as well but it's kind of giving me sad bad feels personally#I can't look past their painful and debilitating health issues#the same mutation that causes the floppy ears also destroys the cartilage in their joints#it's such a shame because they're a terribly cute and charming breed#and in this case they really do have those similar rounded friendly shapes that Vasco does#if I ever draw them as cats myself I'll probably have to think of some other breed for him even though it would be such a perfect fit#also I think it's funny how you can swap everything else but Machete's heels have to stay :'> don't separate the crinkle and his boots#thank you so much! this was such a cool ask to receive I love how you designed their cat forms#gift art#dingergum#Machete#Vasco#own characters#Vaschete scenarios
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their friendship ingame is soooo cute to me and i had to draw something with them..
also lae'zel's hair looks both difficult to maintain and hard to do on your own and i think astarion would be the perfect person to help 🌟
#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#lae'zel#astarion ancunin#baldur's gate 3#bg3 fanart#herotune#comic#my comics#my art#i love them both sooooo much ough......#i demand more fanworks w them being friends but i may have to do it myself 😭 i try to avoid fanbase beyond my friends n just#posting my art but from what i understand lae'zel isnt that popular and it makes me so sad....shes the best ok#also yes im making astarion trans#im making all the bg3 characters trans actually. and no one can stop me
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Always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it. To love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Always the years between us. Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.
— Michael Cunningham, The Hours
[mixed media: collage + photoshop, by me]
#merlin#mine: merlin#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#merlin edit#merlinedit#bbcmerlinedit#yes i did in fact make myself sad doing this#we love to see it#i wanted them to be side by side with a tiny spacer in between but couldnt figure it out so this will have to DO
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Let's talk about the clock keepers in the new chapter!!
It's not a surprise to see that they had more in their sleeves, putting up an act to get all the information they wanted. Kako said it after all, he is the one observing. And he will gather what he needs before making a move, showing he deserves his title as the oldest supernatural. Hanako being the leader doesn’t seem to matter a lot to him in the end. He clearly has had his plan for a long time. It's not a shock to see he recognizes what came back with Tsukasa from the red house, probably knowing the entity from before.
Even if it was an act and all of them knew what the end result would be. The reactions Akane and Mirai had for each other in the last chapter were real. Akane was never shield in the manga, being the one doing it most of the time. So his reaction towards Mirai taking the blow for him is absolutely genuine, especially when he tried so hard to make her run away. And we can see it again when we see how slowly he takes her out of the water to give her back to Kako. Akane even reprimands the old man about being slow and Mirai having to go through this at first.
This chapter highlights the clock keepers relationship too. Akane has been before in the innermost reach, he clearly knows what he is doing here, entering the house like nothing and actually setting things up for tea knowing Kako would like it. Being considered as a whole clock keeper, Kako and Mirai trust him not to do anything bad even in their most vulnerable state.
Kako watches over Mirai like a worried father, being happy when she is back and is still pushing Akane to find the answers himself, always in a teaching position. Akane is quick to scold Mirai about her actions, clearly seeing her more as a kid than a real supernatural being. He is seen worried for her and tells her right away not to do something like this ever again. On her side, Mirai is overjoyed to see Akane, the first question coming out of her mouth asking if he is hurt, and she seems rather shocked to see him being so worried about her, jumping on his head right away to praise him for being a nice boy.
They are way more genuine in their physical contact and actions. Akane is not refusing Kako’s headpat even though he has an angry/solemn expression when accepting it, the old man is smiling at Mirai and Akane the whole chapter while Mirai is being her usual clingy self.
Kako clearly has been observing things and waited until the right moment to take actions. They are coming back in time to fix things up, and will sleep until the new present is stable. And for this they trust the clock keeper of the present to take care of the duty that was placed upon him.
Akane is a wonderful pick for the present. His personality and way of life has always shown he was the only character who would be able to handle this role. He is a duty centered and really proactive boy, and most of all, sees how life is worth living. Even if he never feared the idea of getting hurt, we can clearly see how much he takes his role at heart. He now knows he has to live if the idea of a better present can exist.
Kako knows Akane is able to handle all of it which is why they can leave without being worried about the new present, they absolutely believe Akane will be able to fulfill his duty. In the end, it’s Akane who keeps the yorishiro with him. They trust him to make sure everything is in order and not die until he can use the key to get them out of the clock once they awaken. Kako’s last word to Akane is once again one with a teaching tone, praising him for a job he will do, showing he thinks he will handle it.
One of Kako’s strongest traits is observation too. And Akane is really good at that, he is one of the most observant and perceptive characters of the whole cast. His mission will be all about seeing if the events really changed, acting like a memory of a present which doesn’t exist anymore. Having a human among the clock keepers to have eyes in the human world seems also like a logical choice. To know the whole situation Kako needs eyes in the human realm too, and Akane shares his informations with him when he think it's important.
Akane has known his role for a long time. Once he heard that he had his duty to do, his expression is hard to see because he KNOWS what the implications are. He is aware of what it means, he isn’t happy with this, he clenches the yorishiro once he has it, he says he doesn’t have a choice to Teru. Because even if Akane complains, he does things he is asked to do.
Akane’s sense of justice has always been a big part of his character, and it’s also a big part of the clock keepers. Of course he wants the present to be better and goes with the clock keepers’ idea, erasing a problem at its root to help the majority of people and protect the persons he cares for is something Akane would never refuse.
He has no problem doing it even if he doesn’t want to be on the clock keepers’ side, because he knows he can do something ‘right’. He still trusts Kako on this one, embracing his role as the guardian of the present fully. The old man did say it would be good for humans after all.
How long has Akane been thinking about changing the present? Even if it means erasing the severance I don’t know how he would react seeing that Aoi never lived it. Having a world where she never got to know supernaturals, never was left dead all alone on the far shore and never got her hand hurt. It can’t be so bad right?
But the more I think about it the more I go ‘was this present really THAT bad?’ Aoi has to go through her horrible everyday life once again, thinking that no one will ever love her for who she is and Akane definitely doesn't want that.
His talk to Teru also implies that Teru and Nene may remember since they were stopped by his time power. He trusts Teru to understand what is happening and help him with this new reality or hoping not everything will have changed.
If we focus quickly on Amane and Tsuchigomori. They seem to have go back in 1968 so Amane was a middle schooler. Tsuchigomori and him had the talk about the moon in 1969 (after the 20th of July) so Tsuchi may not have the same yorishiro either. Would Amane live this time? Not sure, the reason he was trying to destroy the big clock may be related to the clock keepers going back in Time. I wonder what the clock Amane was working on really represents.
We can see this clock indicating the hour exactly like when Akane is stopping time, suggesting that it is really the one controlling the whole school time. It’s the first clock we see when the clock keepers are introduced too.
If Kako and Mirai really go back in time and erase everything they are visualizing on this. It would indeed mean a better control over the mysteries situations and the protection of the Land.
It means everything the mysteries went through won't happen. So the second Mitsuba won't exist, n°3 would still be here, Yako would still be waiting for Misaki to come back and won't go berserk, Shijima-san would still be in her boundary thinking she has no reason to exist expect hurting Mei-chan's memory, Hakubo would still be doing his duty without feeling anything and Sumire would still be living her death over and over again, not having anyone go see her in more than a century.
It means erasing all of the mysteries’ struggles and acceptance of what they are, not being bound by grief and regrets to do a job most of them didn't want to do. Would this present really be a good one? For the humans mostly it would be, it's the mysteries duties after all, and n°1 is ready to undo all the things each mystery went through to make sure humans have a good Present. They always have been more about humans than supernaturals. And this may also be the reason why Akane is okay with everything going on too. Kako sees this as his ultimate duty in the end, forcing all mysteries to embrace it even if they don't want to. Taking the matter at end without warning anyone since after all, no one will remember.
Another thing that has always been interesting to me, was the fact that the clock keepers look nothing like something out of Japanese Myths/folklore. It has always been strange to me to see they were labeled as the oldest supernaturals, when clocks weren’t that common in Japan before a long time. The way they dress look way different compared to anyone else from the cast too. The closest look you could find was from the Meiji Era, which was mostly about Japan importing a lot of Western culture into their Land. I always thought that the clock keepers just couldn’t be from a Japanese folktale and this was confirmed in the last chapter. I had my supposition about where they were from, but having an actual image of their old town helped me to focus more on it.
If we look at Clock making history we can easily focus on some countries, The Netherlands, Germany and England being the main ones. Now if we look at the architecture we get in this chapter, we can delete England from the list easily. This type of house is called Timbered framed houses. It can be found in Europe in different countries.
It’s important to note that the roofs on those houses are really really sharp on the illustration AidaIro gave us. Which means they were built for snow, so it can slide off the roofs more easily. The trees in the background are too blurry to see but it looks like forest of pines and the kids shown are holding one.
Now if I combine the two ideas of clock making and architecture I found here, my thoughts came to one city. Nuremberg in Germany. It’s a city known for its clock making history, there are mountains nearby and there is snow in this region during Winter. And more importantly The Nuremberg Egg.
It’s known as the ancestor of the pocket watch, created in the XVIth century.
I don’t think AidaIro was inspired by a precise place but I think somewhere in this region of Europe could be a good pick for the inspiration of the city the clock keepers are from! Same can be said about the clothes the kids are wearing and the toy's shop which have vibes from this region too.
I’ve been thinking a bit more about what Kako and Mirai are really and it’s hard to say. With how Akane introduced them it could imply they were humans before.
Why did they move to Japan and how did they become supernatural? Were they created or were they humans before? The idea of Kako creating a body to survive and creating Mirai is not out of the way since he is clearly the oldest and more experienced supernatural there is. A lot of questions with no answers for now but I am happy we get some glimpse of their old life.
I am also interested in the clock keeper of the present status too. Are they used to create different presents or if the present is fixed their role is finished? Did Kako and Mirai go back in time to change stuff before?
I don't think it happened recently. Nothing special has been happening at Kamome even with the whole Yugi suicide/murder history. The real problems started really once Nene met Hanako and Tsukasa woke up. Kako may have been observing things since a really long time, maybe putting some students as clock keepers of the present but never ‘activating’ their real role. Which may also be why Akane never was shown that stressed out about his role as a clock keeper, why would he be if all the previous clock keepers of the present never had to do this? What is supposed to happen to them once they have fulfilled their duty? Are they erased from the timeline to represent completely this new Present? Do they get to continue their life like nothing happens, being the only person having the memories of a world which doesn't exist anymore? How long do they stay alone until the other two wake up? Why insist so much on the idea he has to stay alive? So many questions I hope we will have answers on soon.
The story of the clock keepers is still really blurry but we are slowly getting more on them . AidaIro really showed us that they were mysteries the other characters shouldn't mess with and I am all for it.
#toilet bound hanako kun#the three clock keepers#tbhk spoilers#IT'S THEM#aoi akane#mirai#kako#tbhk 111#jibaku shonen hanako kun#tbhk#ramblings#tbhk analysis#for the city of course it's the old part of the city we should look at#I love the geogesser game in the middle of this long text help me#I asked my sibling (architect) for this :DD and just yes the vibes are really this part of Europe anyways from what I know ahah#the mysteries make me super emo#they really are the ones taking the Ls here#Kako is so op idk what to do with myself I LOVE HIM SM#antagonist Kako for the mysteries my beloved too#Akane continues to make me fcking sad imagine learning all this role at 12 yo#idc if I am wrong on stuff I just love them#the seven mysteries#jibaku shounen hanako kun#this is fcking long but this insanity is more than 4 years old#and my insanity about automaton and clocks is older#a big thanks to Mari for having seen this insanity#the main problem about what I say for the new chapters is that I don t give a fck about the yugi twins so rip#maybe the whole thing is just#to set back the timeline where Amane would become a teacher or something#if he is 60+ now that would be hilarous
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On the string propaganda
Heeellll yeah
Bestie is an entire PLACE
I look at those guys and let me tell you the soul of that thing ain't just in the puppet, it's in all the neurons carrying the thoughts and emotions, it's in the power rails that serve as the heart. All the memories in the memory conflux and all the numbers we see flicker across displays, the flux condensers, the puppet; a little avatar.
No way these massive machines see life the same way we do. They have their own experiences and senses and things they hold dear. A world we can't imagine, a way of living we couldn't even comprehend.
I could never tear an iterator apart to be just a puppet. Who am I to decide how's life supposed to be enjoyed or perceived?
You treat your creechurs however you want- I ain't gonna dictate that. But damn, hearing the thrums and buzzes of the linear systems rail? They are alive with so much power, these mechanical beasts are exactly what they should be.
#sorry im just a really passionate on the string believer#you cant tell me that these massive structures kilometers wide capable of things we cant even image would look at something thats#thats comparable to a speck of dust and be like#yes i would like to rid myself of practically my entire body to be that tiny#this aint no “if i were a supercomputer i'd be sad i couldnt see the sky like i do now”#thats only because you have something to compare it to#if i were to suddenly loose everything to be just some microscopic creature i'd be miserable but only because i know what im loosing#id be loosing the ability to think like i do now id be loosing the ability to enjoy the things i do now#i dont know what life is like as a microscopic creature but i wouldnt be willing to give up my life as i know it now#and i think with iterators are the same#just how different is their life from ours and what things can they see that we are missing out on?#give up everything comfortable and known and for what??#to feel the sun? they absolutely have various temperature sensors#see the sky? those overseers were made to see things those visuals are in 4k#other animal comforts?? what about computer comforts??#what makes a lil creature happy may not necessary make a massive supercomputer happy#sorry big rant in the tags um just wanna say this is no hate to anyone who wants their creatures off the string#these are fictional beings and you do whatever makes you happy take them off the string set them loose yess enjoy little robots running#around be happy i love reading ya alls off the string shenanigans#rain world#iterator#drawins#oc veil of dreams#rw talk#rain world oc#iterator oc
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The way how in We Know the Devil the couple you choose to go with always finishes the ending by pretty much confirming the worse insecurities of the girl who got excluded, Venus and Jupiter still keep trying so hard to remain good kids that they can't even hear Neptune anymore, Venus and Neptune hold hands without any effort without even trying like Jupiter did so hard in the only way she could bring herself to, Jupiter and Neptune look at each other the way they can't ever look at Venus
Just... the way that in the blue ending when the narration is from Venus + Jupiter's pov and they say they "won't let her stain" them referring to being "stained" with her "impure" but valid feelings, with her rage at being treated so poorly by those around them, they won't let those thoughts in because they want to be the good kids out of the bad ones and Neptune never did and even when she talks to them afterwards nothing she says will ever get through to them again. They chose to stay clean. The way the achievement for the blue ending is called "Lukewarm, I spit you out" and is the only one named after a Bible verse, and it's one about how spiritually "hot" people are active in their faith and spiritually "cold" people "can still be strongly influenced" but someone like Neptune who knows just enough to intentionally reject the word of god is the kind of person that "deserves" to be "spit out" like a lukewarm drink
The way that in the red ending when the narration is from Neptune + Venus pov they say they chose to be distant from her that they affirm time and again they had no idea she could possibly be going through so much turmoil that she'd turn out to be it, this sudden storm, and it's not because they were upset at her they at the end of the day just don't understand, they want to, because how could she possibly have had all those feelings deep inside her? They're safe from her storm, it does not break over them, in that moment together they no longer share in all that turmoil from Jupiter's at all. Their view of her may not be admiration but it's still so unreachable and unfathomable and distant from her true feelings and that way she'll forever stay. The way the achievement for the red ending is "No prince for the princesses" and Jupiter is the designated "tomboy" out of the three of them, how she's the one trying the hardest to keep this strong front and always do the right thing and help the other two but "always messes it up" in fundamentally misunderstanding what they needed in the end they didn't even need her to be all that for them because they needed each other and not her
The way that in the yellow ending when the narration is from Neptune + Jupiter pov they say they chose to hide their faces that they're the only ones to escape Venus' light because they do not see her the same way she sees herself, "he's" a poor unfortunate friend of theirs that they'll feel guilty for having to fight against but that simply wouldn't ever fit into this new freedom they found for themselves in each other, they can see their light their way out of this camp but Venus who wants so bad to see her light has it taken away from her with every time they stare into each other's eyes a bit too long, everytime she's suddenly invisible even when physically close and looked directly at they still see right through her true self. The way the achievement for the yellow ending is called "Help me God, I'm in love" and how the lights always appear when the other two are acting close, how Jupiter accidentally falls with Venus to the ground but instantly helps her up and turns her attention entirely back to Neptune right away and how afraid Venus is during this whole thing she just wants them to allow her that moment of "weakness" to be herself with them while all they want is their way out and not have to deal with the devil at all, all she wants is to embrace it
#Did I boot up these endings to skim through a couple lines to know for sure I remembered them right? yes.#did I cry a single tear during the red ending? yes. me 🤝 jupiter – touchstarved lesbian moment#anyways this games prose is so fucking good and juicy and you can read and interpret it so much I love it#I'm not playing the true ending right now or I'll make myself more sad :D#wktd#we know the devil#jupiter wktd#neptune wktd#venus wktd
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hi I started thinking about samstiel and now it’s infecting my brain. something about the angel being shipped with the boy with the demon blood scratches my brain so incredibly good that I created a god awful love triangle concept:
samstiel except it’s unrequited, bitter, doomed love. sam is in love with cas but he knows that cas will always pick dean over him. dean can tell his brother is hopelessly in love with cas and has no idea cas is, in turn, hopelessly in love with him. this is a disaster triangle. they are all STUPID (said with the utmost love)
+ this illustration I did for clarity
i feel like I have now doomed myself and must write this concept now but I can’t until I finish the show bc I won’t Know all the Things RAAAGGGHH
#samstiel#sastiel#destiel#dean winchester#sam Winchester#castiel#NOT WINCEST#anti wincest#away with ye incest shippers#i love angst and also making myself sad#ig it’s not a love triangle if it’s 2 siblings fighting for the affection of one angel but please go with me here#this is also not anti destiel. I love destiel very much#sev yaps
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hc: Vessel is bad at receiving compliments and being told that he is loved (hug inspired by this one, @ghxstly-death put it into words perfectly. thank you, Eden!🫂)
Thinking about Vessel who can't accept compliments, not because he doesn't believe them (that too), but because he'd heard them so many times in the past related to small, unimpressive things. Not 'I'm proud of you', just 'You did good', an automatic response to any and all achievements. He did good. He didn't know what 'good' meant, but apparently, he did that. He has no idea what was good about what he did, so he continues to push himself, to not be a disappointment. If he does good, then that should be enough, right?
He tries for great, for excellent, for something more, but he always gets 'good', unrelated to the effort and time he put into something. He knows he shouldn't wish for more specific compliments, or anything else, really. He should be grateful to be regarded. Everyone around him is so busy, they can't possibly have time to listen to him talk about how in reality, he has no idea what he's doing. How things sometimes just click but he can't tell if what he did is actually worth anything or it was just pure luck. How he doubts himself at every step but learned to hide it, because he has to be good. And good means coping and dealing with things by himself and quietly, because then he will be told that he did good and who wouldn't want to be good?
Vessel who hears 'I love you' for the first time (said with actual love behind it for the very first time) in a really long time from II. He wouldn't tell the other that, but it's clear from the surprise and the hopeful longing in Vessel's eyes. His friend told him he loves him and he doesn't know what to do with that, so he hesitantly steps to him and begins to lift his arms in question. II's heart squeezes at his shyness, after all, the other has spent months alone in the manor, so it's understandable that he would have grown unaccustomed to touch. But then II has to pull Vessel against him, because the man sort of hovers his arms around his frame as if he doesn't know how to approach a hug. Like he isn't sure what is expected of him and what is too much.
Vessel is surprised when II squeezes around his torso, when he brings one arm around his shoulder and the other to his neck, trying to bring Vessel down towards him, like he wants to protect and shelter him. That's strange, but Vessel finds that his arms want to stay wrapped loosely around II a bit longer and just as he starts to pull away, II again says "I love you, Vessel", and Vessel's brain freezes. II squeezes him tighter and Vessel feels so warm and strangely loose (he's afraid he will unravel if he stays too close for too long) and small even though he towers over his friend. His friend who is now holding him and who apparently loves him.
The only thing in his mind stumbles from his tongue in the form of a quiet "Why?". He didn't do anything exceptional. He was showing II an arrangement and said he wasn't sure if it was any good, letting his fingers dance over the keys, feeling like he was stumbling through music. He felt like it captured that familiar insecurity, and he liked it and hoped II would like it, too. Even if it didn't make it into a song. Then II said he did like it, that it feels like Vessel is unsure but it gives the melody a unique flavor, and that Vessel was great for translating that feeling into music.
"'Why?' ?" II's answering question is filled with such disbelief that Vessel wants to hide. He said something inappropriate, something secret that had previously only been dwelling in his mind, in a dark corner, and now he feels exposed. Why did he even open his mouth? Not good. Definitely bad.
Vessel is slumping against II a bit, like he doesn't know how to hold himself upright anymore, like he needs support. II must feel it, because he's still holding him, and it's been minutes and Vessel tries to squirm away, to save any dignity he might still possess, and II lets him slip out of the embrace, but his arms linger like he doesn't want to let go of his friend. His friend who just blurted out the worst response to a confession of gentle affection. Vessel looks so worried when he catches II's gaze and he immediately averts his eyes and takes a few small steps back, unconsciously gravitating towards his piano for protection, a sense of safety.
"You're my friend, Vessel," II tries approaching the man with soft words, "You're kind and considerate and a damn good musician," Vessel stops backing away when the back of his legs hit the edge of his piano bench, but he's still looking at the floor, "You pour your heart into writing and playing and it's amazing to see. You're committed, but patient and you help me every time I need. Even when I'm too embarrassed to ask," II tilts his head and steps a bit closer to try and catch Vessel's gaze, "I know you don't see it and I'm sorry that you can't because it's true. I would never lie to you about this, Ves. I love you, you're my best friend," Vessel presses his lips together, so II adds, "Not just because we live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. You're the best friend I've ever had. And I'm glad Sleep led me to you."
Vessel gives him a look that shows he tries really hard to believe him, and adds in such a low voice it's almost a whisper, "I love you, too," as if he's embarrassed to admit it. But it's not embarrassment, II realizes, it's disbelief, it's some sort of deep shame about needing someone else, of relying on anyone else but himself at all times. And it makes sense, considering Vessel's nature, but II could never put it all together, since large chunks of Vessel's past were unfamiliar to him. He could have guessed based on how the man acted, but he didn't want to assume anything. It felt disrespectful. Vessel would share if he wanted.
"And I'm really glad you found me," just a beat of silence, before he adds, in an even quieter tone, if that's possible, "And that you stayed," Vessel risks a bashful glance towards II, and sees him blink rapidly, shocked by the implication of the other's words, before he shakes himself and steps closer to Vessel. He searches his face for apprehension, but doesn't find any, so he gently puts his hands on Vessel's upper arms and sits him down on his bench. Before Vessel can react, II has his arms wrapped around him, one around his shoulder, and the other's hand cupping the back of his head and cradling it to his front.
"You're important to me, Ves. You're special and precious and I love you," II's fingers caress the man's shoulder and card through his hair, "I want you to know that I'm here for you any time, okay?" Vessel is still stunned and he's sure he's going catch on fire if he gets any warmer. II twists a lock of hair around his finger, "Okay?" Words form and die in Vessel's throat so he just nods, rapidly, almost hurriedly, and II lets out a small chuckle. "You're amazing, you know that?" he nuzzles into Vessel's hair for a moment to murmur, "And adorable," II sways with the man in his arms a little and Vessel is sure he will combust. His face is flaming against II's shirt and he tries to suppress the half grimace-half grin on his face and feels unreal. "C'mon. Tea break?" II smiles down at him and offers a hand. Vessel can stand on his own, but doesn't reject the offer. He likes the warmth of II's hand and he can always use the stability and the reminder of the other's presence. II soon replaces his hand with a mug of tea, but it's considerably colder to Vessel. The contrast is especially palpable when II brushes his knuckles against Vessel's as he's handing him his tea. The mug is warm, but II's skin is burning against his. But it's not bad. It's a good burn. It makes Vessel feel alive. Seen. Loved?
Vessel learns that he doesn't have to prove himself to other people to receive love. Love is not something that has to be earned in their home. Love is not a reward, not something that Vessel has to work for, then be disappointed that in the end, it isn't actually given to him. He tried being good in the past, being silent and keeping his head down and being a good kid, but the warmth and the unconditional love didn't come. He still tried, though, he always tried his best, but apparently that wasn't enough. Or there wasn't actually love at the end of that tunnel. It was just a play of light. But that would have been cruel and Vessel would like to think that people in his past weren't intentionally unkind to him (he won't admit the truth to himself for a while).
II often tells Vessel that he's proud of him. For speaking up. For telling him when he's having a bad day. For asking for distance when he needs it and closeness when he feels like he will drift away. For admitting to messing up, when he falls back into bad habits of self-destruction and isolation. For doing a grocery run by himself even though he goes home almost shaking and has to spend the next hours under a blanket on the couch, because it was simply too much. For crying when he talks about memories that he tried his hardest to forget but he just can't. For asking for help and letting II help him, even though it's hard. It's really hard, and Vessel apologizes for it, for being fucked-up and broken and damaged goods. For wasting II's time and being a burden, a needy, greedy thing. Wretched. Minus human.
But II tells him he loves him and that he could never be a burden. That he will always be worth it, he always has been, and that he's sorry that people in Vessel's past couldn't see it. Couldn't see him for all that he is. For the friend who pays attention to little details so he can show his friend how much he values him. For the guy who bakes his friend a complicated cake for his birthday because he off-handedly told him he can't even remember what it tasted like, even though it used to be his favorite. For the amazing composer who can capture emotions one doesn't realize one has. For the hard-working, curious kid who thought that being obedient and not questioning authority was the way to earn praise and affection. For the little boy who thought something was wrong with him, that he did or didn't do something and that is why he couldn't feel loved. For the child who cried and cried, silent and under the cover of the night, hoping that no one would hear (and secretly hoping that somebody would and they would come and save him from the gaping emptiness that made its home in his chest, way too big and scary for a boy that little). For the boy and then the man who couldn't cry anymore but thought that that is more than alright, at least he can finally keep it all inside. For the partner who allowed himself to be vulnerable with someone he trusted. For the partner who made sure his other knew he was always welcome, even though his brain sometimes tried to tell him otherwise. For the partner who grew comfortable with expressing casual affection so much that terms like 'darling' became second nature to him (and for the way he blushed when II told him that). For the man who learned to accept that it's okay to admit to not being okay, to need someone, to want to not feel alone, to feel cherished, to have his feelings validated. For the man who can tell his partner anything and does, because he knows he can speak his mind and that there will be someone who listens.
II wanted to see Vessel. Vessel let him. Even before he showed the uglier and less than perfect parts of himself, II loved him all the same. It was never about being 'good' and silent and compliant. Vessel is good. Vessel is not good. He's amazing. He's perfect. He's wonderful. He's cherished. He's incredible. He's valued. He's seen. He's listened to. He's heard. He's finally, finally loved. Has been for longer than he dared to think. Will soon be by more people than he thought possible.
#Vessel was a gifted kid who tried to push through burnout and mental illness#waiting for someone to tell him they see and love him and are proud of him#and you can't change my mind#making myself sad first thing in the morning#what else is new#<- it's night since then but this still applies#yes i included a Metallica reference (almost two). fight me (please don't i have shrimp-like arms and get scared easily)#also#tumblr scared the crap out of me earlier#i posted this privately after it posted instead of saving it as a draft#and apparently it was visible#and i got so freaking scared cause this wasn't finished#so i apologize for deleting and reposting#but my heart stopped for a moment and i whispered like 10 'shitshitshit's at my computer#i should be reading for a class tomorrow#sleep token headcanons#buba writes
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I managed to make myself sad about yet another awful character.
So… When Pharazôn was a kid (also: how do the kings' names work? He *was* called Pharazôn as a kid, right??? And his family on that one side would call him Callion but we'll get there) he was friends with Amandil. And we're talking real, actual friends. That is in the Fall of Numenor book, even if not fully in the Silm.
He was hanging out with the Faithful in Andunie, even as a young man (teenager at least) he and Miriel kinda fell for each other. He was a great guy, I suppose. Or at least a Boromir-like guy (brave, hot headed, but a great friend).
But his father messed him up and then he doubled down himself on "I'll make myself a great Numenorian who never listens to any of my good impulses because that's what being a Numenorean is".
Also, if he was named "the golden" as a child, I'm sure ha had gold hair. You know, like Earendil (and Tuor). Numenoreans were an ethnic mix, he could have had golden hair.
So, the list of idiots extends.
#silm#the silm#the silmarillion#silmarillion#tolkien legendarium#ar-pharazon#numenor#his father whose name i forgot so he gets no tag#:(#making myself sad about the weirdest things#should go aim my empathy neurons at real people instead#who have been kids once too#anyway#if anyone knows about the names i'd love some info#and yes “anyone” here means mostly Edennill#on one hand he is called "pharazon' a lot before crowning#on other the “king of the west” guy likely chose this name only at his coronation#it's confusing#also the earendil parallels for both pharazon and amandil#also the late numenorean promethean warping of earendil myth#also pharazon being a connected to both gold and silver numenorean line (idk about amandil but maybe?)#“101 ways to mess up a myth”#oh and ofc the emotions amandil must have had at it all#they were technically-friends until some point of sauron's influence#...yea.
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Shockingly, I do think there can be nuance in this issue. "Being proship is a discourse stance, you're going to find discourse and people arguing with the 'other side' in the tag that is intended for discourse, and part of our culture is built upon fighting back against the people that have hurt us and calling out their hypocrisy and cruelty" and "seeing all of this negativity and hatred from antis in a place that is supposed to be safe and welcoming is actively harming my health, because screenshotting someone saying 'you deserved to get raped' and having someone else repost it saying 'this is insane can you believe this!!!' doesn't make me feel very good about myself. and it makes it worse that this is put into every single tag we have, including tags that are more intended for positivity and spreading joy like the tag that is explicitly labeled 'proship positivity.' some of the other tags are also for things that might squick me out, like the comship and darkship tags. there is no place for me to go, I am surrounded by discomfort" are thoughts that can and should coexist I feel
#I find it kinda interesting how we pride ourselves on being free to do what we want and we always talk about how happy we are to be so#but all we talk about is how depressing and sad and hard this is and how much we haaaaaaaaaate the ant teas#which like yes it is important to speak out on how you've been hurt by antis and how difficult it is to be proship in a world where#puritanism is on the rise and media literacy rates are falling#but at the same time. when your entire life is based on negativity? that's not much of a life at all#you're just a hollow shell of a person at that point. trust me I've been there and its way too hard to get out#sometimes I just want to talk about how happy I am to be me and how much I love myself. and I want to see others do the same#can we at least just make a general tag for this so people can block it? like “anti hate” or “harassment” or sumn#that would help a lot I think#proshippers#proship#profiction#profic#pro fiction#pro ship#pro shipping#proship positivity#proshipping#proshipper
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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sorry but saying that the accessibility needs of mentally disabled people are just preferences or about "comfort" is blatantly incorrect. if i can't enter a building because the bright lights and loud noises would send me into a meltdown, then i can't enter the building, and that's not less important than me not being able to enter a building because it's not wheelchair accessible. if you genuinely think that mentally disabled people aren't really struggling, and that it's okay to mock their very real concerns, then that just shows that you've been refusing to listen to their experiences. do better or shut the fuck up.
#yeah yeah i know i said i wouldn't post about this stupid fucking 'discourse' anymore#but i keep seeing takes that make my blood boil#physical and mental disabilities are two sides of the same coin! yes there are differences but also a lot of commonalities#but nooooo expecting people to have even an ounce of fucking compassion for those who dont share their exact lived experience#is too much to ask for i guess#i've said this many times before but gatekeeping and infighting will get us nowhere#throwing your fellow disabled people under the bus won't help you#i get people's anger - i have a lot of anger too as someone who is housebound with a physical disability#but other disabled people arent your enemy#and taking your anger out on them is just a dick move#especially if you do so using the same ableist 'its all in your head' rhetoric#that mentally disabled people have had to put up with since forever#disclaimer: obviously not all physically disabled people act like that. from what i can tell its just a small (but very vocal) minority#but it's pervasive enough to make me wary of online spaces for physical disabilities#which is kinda sad seeing as i have a physical disability myself and would love to connect with others#but i'm not super keen on being told that my autism (which has significantly impacted me my whole life) doesn't matter
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If I may ask, which plot twist hooked you onto DR2?
The "you were the bad guys all along" one!
#Like the idea that they were the evil party this whole time#And it MAKES SENSE. They're all so messed up and they have horrible backgrounds#And then they struggle with making the Right Choice at the end but they do!#~with a little help from their friend~#Idk I love the complexity of it all. They are teens at risk and they did horrible things -#-yes because of Junkos brainwashing. But also because they were scared and sad and angry and they Could#But they did the right thing and they did it *because* of proper social connections which is such a huge thing in psychology#I've already said so much on this topic I think I'm repeating myself lol#I just love the villains-turned-martyrs thing#Not an art
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I'm YOUR idiot.
#and he'll stay his idiot#“you knew what you were getting into when you said yes. this is on you now.”#he's married to him and makes it his problem lol#i like to think mandark loves to show off he's married. especially to dexter.#gets sad and pathetic when drunk when he sees dex have a ring and forgot they're married. now he's sobbing his rival is taken by “another”#married dexdark is just lovely to me.#mandark doing any and every task with having the need to flaunt his ring#being engaged to him is insufferable i imagine.#also drew that hand wrong and exploding myself now#was supposed to finish this on valentines day but got lazy. i had too much stuff that day anyway#i want to do comics again but my hands and arms are fucked. i lost feeling in them off and on the these days without doing much lol#your also looks weird like it's misspelled but it's not??#dexter's laboratory#dexter's lab#dexdark#mandark#dexter#flame draws
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