#Will any amount of <3 make me less anxious about this?

[anulithots]

The Plant Care Guides Tag Game

Okie, so I wanted to try something out,

Starting up the unfiction 'imjusthereforeternity' was one of the most wonderous experiences ever. You fellow creatures of nonsense are the sweetest beans in the world. I sent Anuli on to the internet, thinking that perhaps it would be a plot-ish mystery to unravel, but to have people comfort and support the manifestation of my overthinking, obsessive, self-hatred was the most magical thing ever. You all have wonderous truths to share.

I wanted to try something similar for the tumblr houseplant series, for anyone who is similar to any of the seeds offered. This is a sort of "care guide" if you will, for any houseplant person who would find wonder in the worlds of tumblr (that rhymes :)

Soap! Here's the guidelines:

pick one of the seeds or make your own

The Venus Flytrap from @poetsandstuff "I've had advice about 'getting out there' and just socialising lile im not dieing on the inside every time" The Rose from @briarborealisart "i could still be true to myself while valuing what others thought." The Prayer Plant from @awleeofficial "I worry about how I am percieved by the people in my life as well as the creative works that I choose to share, and I can be rather hard on myself when it doesn't come out perfect." The Philodendron from @rainisawriter "I think one of the biggest things I struggle to overcome is taking things to heart. I'm quite sensitive, see, and I tend to take things personally even when it isn't personal at all."

What would you tell someone this applies to? It can be a sentence, an infodump, a little story, a picture, a quote, something silly, or whatever else you want

Tag the houseplant people

Thank you everyone for your truths <3

Very gently tagging: @rainisawriter @awleeofficial @briarborealisocs @a-had-matter @sm-writes-chaos @forthesanityofstorytellers @digital-chance @gummybugg @holdmyteaplease @osbob-the-existent @yesireadbooks

[icewindandboringhorror]

"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

[jellinuy]

(saw your announcement so imma get this in real fast) post jjk! ( everyone lives bc gege is a menace) gojo, reader, and suguru living together :3

( roommates! )

౨ৎ incl. satoru and suguru.

౨ৎ a/n. first time i've actually written something that's NOT a drabble in like forever. can't decide on a format!! also i thought of reader being like their shoko, so this is completely platonic! urrghhh sorry this took me forever

living with the strongest duo would include...

Big house, first of all, because Satoru bought it. I’m talking, like, the three of you live in a penthouse, big.

Two VERY different sides of the house. Satoru's messy room consisting of strewn socks on the floor and food containers littered across his desk and an unmade bed and not a single cell in his brain to fix any of it until you or Suguru get on his ass: he says he has other things to worry about.

On the other hand, Suguru is something of a nagging mother when it comes to his sector of the house. Clean sheets every week, clothes in the hamper immediately after taking them off, shoes in his closet in a neat row, etc. You and Satoru like to joke about him having OCD.

Late night snack runs!! It usually starts with one of you complaining about being hungry at an ungodly hour, way too late for snacks but craving snacks anyway. It’s usually Satoru who gets you two up by video calling you from his room, making noise until you can’t take it anymore and decide to get up.

Suguru does most of the cooking. Satoru isn’t bad at it, per se, but he’s too lazy to try and so are you, let alone make big enough batches for three people.

Suguru is also lazy at times, but less than Satoru, so you two designated him as your personal chef.

Of course, there are always days when none of you feel like cooking — those are Satoru’s favorite days. You’ll order takeout (with his money), heaped in a tangle of legs and arms across the couch as you eat and binge watch whatever you three happen to find.

Suguru usually makes you guys lunch for work or school if you ask. Or even if you don’t.

Pillow fights! Or any kind of play-fight that involves throwing things at each other. They're usually initiated by Satoru when the mood strikes, and he'll literally beat you and Suguru over the head with pillows until the stuffing is everywhere or until you physically can't breathe.

A group chat! Satoru’s a frequent texter, Suguru not so much, whether it’s to show you two a picture of a stray cat he found, to ask what’s for dinner, or to beg for something.

Strangely though, when you or Suguru question him on why the trash isn’t taken out, he goes quiet.

Those two are the kind of boys who come into your room to knock something over and just leave without closing your door.

Movie nights are a must on weekends, unless one of you is extremely busy. That’s how the three of you unwind without really saying you need to unwind. You cuddle up on the couch in pajamas in one big messy heap and turn on a movie (based on who wins rock-paper-scissors) with a mountain of sugary and salty and spicy snacks at your disposal.

The three of you trust each other completely, so deep conversations are occasional, but comfortable. Neither of them would judge you for crying or being anxious or anything, and vice versa. When you need a hug, they’re there for that, too.

It’s not rare for the three of you to share a bed, or even cuddle. Granted, it took some getting used to at first, but now none of you find it weird, and it’s comforting to have a 6 foot heated body pillow, especially during the winter.

You three have an insane amount of inside jokes, and you bicker like siblings. Anyone who doesn’t get it would probably be concerned how much you insult each other.

“Shut the fuck up Suguru, didn’t you used to swallow balls?”

“Oh, shit.”

“Satoru, aren’t you still a virgin??”

“Fuck you! Y/N, what the hell are you laughing at, didn’t your date flake on you the other day??”

“Suck my dick!”

And then you’ll go back to whatever you were doing before like it didn’t even happen.

Whenever you or Suguru need to go shopping, you usually ask Satoru to Cashapp you before you go. He pretends to put up a fight, but to a guy who sees $2,000 as pocket change, he really doesn’t care. Hell, take one of his cards, go nuts.

[belphies-cowgirl]

little things they do for you

word count: 900+

content warning: mentions of body image (if I am missing anything please let me know and I will add it!)

Lucifer

invites you into his study whenever he gets a new record. he prefers listening to it with you in his arms. also, he'll play the piano for you if you ask him.

will praise you for minor or major accomplishments. even if you don't think something deserves praise he gives it to you anyways. he's so proud of his human. 

wakes you up gently by rubbing your back or your shoulder. sometimes if you've stayed up late studying or working he peppers your face with gentle kisses (he will drag you out of bed lovingly if he needs to)

Mammon

will hype you up and be your partner in crime. will indulge in creating chaos or doing something stupid with you. you have his full support and he'd do anything for you, even if it results in him getting strung up by Lucifer. he'll happily take the blame and punishments for you. 

will let you have control over the radio and heat/ac settings in his car. will let you put your feet up on the dashboard too. he bought a car charger for you in case you forget to bring yours and he'll order for you in the drive-thru (has what you want memorized, but still asks if you want something else) 

helps you with chores. does laundry with you and carries your laundry basket (cleans out the lint trap for you too) does the dishes with you, he washes while you dry or vice versa. moves furniture for you while you vacuum (let him woo you by showing off his strength) want to rearrange your room at 3 am? he'll help you. 

Levi

if you're into cosplay he'll make outfits for you. he'll make sure it fits perfectly and has some wiggle room for comfort.

will let you sit on his lap and help you get through hard levels or help you find new areas and items. will guide your hand with his while doing so and praise you. 

if you're anxious about something he'll try anything to ease some of your anxiety. he'll give your hand reassuring squeezes or talk you through a breathing exercise or simply listen to you talk about what's making you anxious. he'll look up more ways to deal with anxiety and practice them with you. 

Satan

texts you quotes from books or poems that remind him of you or when he wants to be romantic. he sometimes takes inspiration from romance novels when planning a date. also surprises you with flowers for no reason. 

will help you study or write an essay. teaches you how to color code, organize, find proper resources, and reassures you that you're doing a good job. he'll be patient and adapt his techniques to any learning style you prefer. 

will spend hours with you in a bookstore, and carry any books you want to buy. if you like to spend a decent amount of time in certain genre aisles, he'll grab books you can't reach or just be content standing near you while you look through the books. 

Asmo

want an outfit that didn't come in your size or was sold out? he'll somehow get it for you or make one for you. need some alterations done? say less. see something you like but you're low on funds? say less. 

have any pain, discomfort, or trouble relaxing? he's got heating pads, pain relievers, an aroma diffuser, bath salts, anything you can think of for pain relief or relaxation. he also gives really good massages. 

will help you with any insecurities you may have. reassuring words, compliments, and sticky notes on any mirrors to remind you that you're beautiful and are worthy of so much more than you think you deserve. will buy you products that help enhance your natural beauty. he'll also help you take care of yourself with little reminders or help you establish and keep up with a daily routine.

Beel

lets you wear his clothes if you're having one of those days where you just want to hide your body or just want to feel super comfy and smell like him.

he reminds you to eat every day. he understands if it's hard sometimes for you to eat at least 3 meals a day or eat when you're not feeling well. will ask if you'd like some of his food or if he can make you anything. will also let you steal food off his plate. 

will support you and keep you motivated if you want to work out. he'll get on the treadmill next to you or go for a walk with you. anything you want to do he'll do it with you. shares his water bottle with you if yours is empty. will make smoothies, protein shakes, or trail mix with you. he'll encourage body positivity, but won't cross any boundaries or make you uncomfortable. 

Belphie

gives you space and understands if you don't want to take a nap with him or cuddle. will offer to let you borrow one of his blankets or pillows to sleep with instead.

will comfort you if you have nightmares or trouble sleeping. don't feel secure after a nightmare? he'll hold you close or act like a weighted blanket for you. 

lets you kick him in your sleep and he'll adapt to any of your sleeping positions. want to sleep like a starfish with one leg up on the wall? that's fine, he'll make room for you and find a different way to cuddle.

✄ ——————————————————————

feel free to comment, reblog, shoot me a message, or an ask <3

please do not use my work as your own! 

[starryknight-tarot]

𝓗𝓸𝔀 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓶𝓮𝓮𝓽 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓯𝓾𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓮 𝓼𝓹𝓸𝓾𝓼𝓮

pile 1 -- > pile 2 -- > pile 3

pile 4 -- > pile 5 -- > pile 6

my masterlist<3 . paid readings

Hello beautiful souls✨ I am back with another future spouse pick a card reading. Today we will look into how you will meet your future spouse! Remember to meditate, take a deep breath and pick whatever pile calls to you the most. Since this is a general reading, make sure to take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Divider by @ribboniel

Pile 1

Cards: Justice, Three of Swords, Ten of Wands, The Hermit, The Wheel of Fortune, Page of Swords, Two of Swords, Page of Cups

Back of the Deck: Six of Pentacles

This pile is being me serious webtoon or like k-drama plot line vibes. I am also getting that some of you may be lawyers or may be fans of the k-drama Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Anyway, I am getting that you will meet you fs in a moment of pure vulnerability. For a good amount of you I feel like you could be going through a really big breakup. You may experience many strong emotions, or feel very anxious about something. Some of you may suffer from severe anxiety I'm hearing. I am also hearing that this may be a work problem, like a project didn't go through or you got scolded by higher ups, something that would raise your stress. I just heard that for some of you this event has happened already. Some of you may meet you fs very soon or have already met your future spouse. But I feel like after this, you might feel like you need to push yourself away from the people close to you and distance yourself. You could be stepping out of your comfort zone. But I feel like this is where you are gonna meet your fs. I feel like this place will be a crowded area, specifically a concert. Around the time you meet your fs, you will try to distract yourself from your stress and anxiety. I see your fs approaching you first, someone really cheery and just excited to be there. Someone that frequents the place you meet. For some of you, this may be someone you already vaguely know, specifically a co-worker. Your fs is giving puppy energy to me. They will be very excited to see you, it seems like a really cute introduction that will may make you laugh. I feel like they will compliment you on something you're wearing. I keep hearing that you will be a lot less excited to see them than they are to see you lmao. I don't think it's for any bad reasons like they are mean to you or something but they may remind you of whatever is causing you stress at first. I feel like they are gonna try to buy you a drink, or they have been drinking. Your fs gives off a very trustworthy vibe. You and your fs will talk a lot your first time meeting. I am getting a lot of laughter and silly little jokes. Originally you will feel like you guys are complete opposites, but after a while you will realize you have a lot of common. I keep hearing your first impression of them is that they are a cute doofus lol. (A kind of side note but I kept thinking of Brazil while shuffling and when thinking about your pile so you may be from Brazil or you could meet in Brazil)

Advice Cards:

Awareness opens a field of possibility in your life

In harmony with your inner self, you are free to do or be whatever you choose

Be aware of your inner messages

Something you've planted is coming to harvest. Results are forthcoming!

Be alert for your opportunity

Weigh your situation carefully

Channeled Song:

Pile 2

Cards: Queen of Wands, Ten of Swords rx, Seven of Pentacles, King of Cups, Four of Wands rx, Two of Swords, Strength rx, Queen of Pentacles

Back of the Deck: The Hierophant

One of the first things that popped into my head when shuffling for this pile is that your first meeting is gonna be embarrassing for you. The reason for embarrassment will vary for all of you, of course, but overall I feel like you will be very emotional at the moment of meeting your fs. I am kinda of sensing some similarities to Pile 1 so if you felt called to that one please do read that one as well. Anyways, I feel like there is a possibility you could be getting bullied when you first meet your fs. I'm not getting that they will be the one bullying at all, in fact they might even defend you from these bullies. Like I am seeing them physically fighting them off or threaten them if this is bullying, and violence isn't the answer, but they will only try to help you. For some of you, your fs is a childhood friend or someone you have known for a very long time. I am also hearing some of you will already be in a relationship when you meet your fs. I feel like you are normally a very confident and brave person Pile 2 but at the time of meeting your fs, you will just be so over something that your tough persona will be faltering. I am also getting that some of you may try to stay positive about everything and never show discomfort in anything but this time something got to you and it's showing (ngl yall are giving me Tohru Honda vibes but that's for the Fruits Basket fans lol). For some very specific people, this event will take place in a church or will be about religion. But I feel like your fs will notice that you aren't acting how you normally do or that you just aren't doing well. I really feel like your fs won't really know how to comfort you but will end up doing something cute anyway and it might even make you feel better. They might give you something, I am seeing specifically candy. I do feel like your fs will almost immediately make an impression on you, you might even start crushing on them right when you meet them. Your fs seems like someone that doesn't really know how to express themselves but they wanna learn and be better so they can deserve someone like you.

Advice Cards:

No better time exists than right now

Your body needs your attention

In harmony with your inner self, you are free to do and be whatever you choose

You can make an important contribution

You are intended to succeed. Align your actions with your highest dreams

Issues of balance are at hand

Channeled Song:

Pile 3

Cards: The Fool, Knight of Cups rx, Three of Pentacles, Three of Pentacles, Temperance, Four of Swords, Seven of Cups, Knight of Pentacles rx

Back of the Deck: The Sun

This is a very interesting pile. For some of you this could a gay relationship or if not, your fs could have very masculine energy. Unlike the other piles, this is the first where your fs is almost definitely someone you haven't met before or known about before. For some of you, your first meeting with your fs will be completely random. I almost feel like your fs doesn't want you to know how you will meet, like it's a surprise. But I do feel an instant connection here. Like you will immediately be like oh shit this person is my person. I just saw a gym (but I won't say this is for a lot of you because I really think your fs wants to keep some details of your first meeting a secret) . This is definitely a soulmate/twin flame connection. Maybe even love at first sight. You guys will act as if you have known each other your whole lives after just talking for a little bit. Although this sounds very much like everything will move very fast but I feel like both of you are pretty patient people and will wanna take your time with this connection. I just heard you have your whole lives to get to know each other. For a small amount of you, I feel like your first interactions will be recorded, maybe one of you is an influencer. But I am really getting that this first meeting with your fs will just be really fun and full of laughs like you almost can't breathe because you are dying of laughter kind of funny. I am getting your fs has a really big personality, like they are very noticeable when they walk into a room, all eyes on them. They may have dyed hair or very bold fashion. I am hearing some of you will be wearing something similar which is why you approach each other in the first place. The angel number 333 will have some connection to your first meeting so you may see 333 a lot when you are about to meet them, or March might have some importance to this connection. When you meet your fs, you are going to feel like you have reached the end of long and tiring journey, and now you can finally start a new chapter with your fs. I also just heard they are a keeper lol.

Advice Cards:

Considerable and consistent effort may now be required

Complete the project or task. Something is calling for closure

Control is an illusion. Surrender and allow the Universe to guide you

It's time to realize the blueprint of your soul

You are intended to succeed. Align your actions with your highest dreams

You are divinely protected. Remind yourself how safe you are

Channeled Song:

Pile 4

Cards: Nine of Pentacles, Page of Swords, Ten of Cups rx, Five of Cups, King of Cups, Page of Cups, Seven of Wands, The Sun, The Magician (you get an extra card my special pile 4's)

Back of the Deck: Knight of Wands

While shuffling, two different locations showed themselves to me. A comic book store or just like a kind of geeky store and a sports game. Kinda random but could resonate with some of you. I was also hearing some of you might just be into a lot of geeky things like anime, marvel, fandoms in general which isn't too surprising if you have found your way to this reading, but spirit kept bringing my attention to that, so that kind of stuff could be very important to you or your fs. I am also seeing an interest in sports, so you or your fs could be very into sports. Anyway, I am getting you and your fs will meet very casual. I don't see you meeting through a dating app or a blind date or anything like that. I am seeing your fs approaching you first, although I feel like this is SUPER out of character for them. I am getting that your fs is more on the introverted side or they get very nervous talking to new people. I'm hearing "I just had to talk to you." so your fs will most likely be interested in you first, maybe even immediately caught feelings for you. I am even hearing that they will tell their friends "I just met my future spouse.". I can feel the blush that paints their cheeks and anxiety they are feeling just thinking about talking to you. Ngl Pile 4, the first interaction with them may be a little awkward at first cause they are just so nervous lol. I specifically see you looking at something like a book or painting I am hearing, and your fs just starts talking about whatever you are looking at. I recommend watching the mv to the first channeled song, as a specific part where the couple are looking a painting came to mind. also the song is just a banger But I do feel like you guys will eventually have a very fun conversation. Whatever happens, your fs will leave the interaction REALLY happy. Like they have a spring in their step. I am hearing you may give them your number or social media after meeting. I just heard some of you fall under the category of "big titty goth gf" and that is your fs's type (not for everyone ofc). I don't really see you viewing your fs as a romantic interest at first, they are someone that will grow on you eventually. Your fs has a lot of charm that they can only show when you get to know them better.

Advice Cards:

Boldly imagine what you can do and be

Act on what you know

You can if you think and believe you can

Create an internal structured frame of reference and stay focused

Give yourself your own approval

It's time to try something new

Channeled Songs:

Pile 5

Cards: Six of Wands rx, The Wheel of Fortune, Seven of Pentacles, Four of Cups rx, Ten of Pentacles, Strength, Four of Wands rx, Queen of Wands

Back of the Deck: Ace of Wands

I flipping love the energy of this pile so much. For a lot of you I feel like you will meet your fs at work. You could be your own boss, starting a small business, and maybe even a CEO of a successful company I am hearing. You give off such a lovely energy Pile 5, I can't over it. Anyway I feel like your fs is someone you will rely on. I am seeing a lot of teamwork with this pile. I don't think you and your fs will ever be properly introduced, it's like they could just be in a group of people that you end up with and somehow just become acquainted with. I am seeing things like paintball, board games, or online games and you will just end up doing something together. If this is a work environment, it's at a work party. Spirits don't seem to want to focus so much on how you will meet and more on your connection with this person. This person is gonna be your rock. You could be in need of assistance and your fs will come to help you. Your fs will immediately give off the vibe of someone that works very hard and has worked for everything they have. They also may have evident bags under their eyes. Your meeting with them is gonna be pure fate. You were at the right place at the right time. Something you will look back and think, I am so glad I was there when I was or else I wouldn't have met them. Yall are absolutely soulmates. I really keep hearing your fs will be your assistant, you may decide to make a business with them when you first meet them. Your fs will just feel like home. I just saw two different fictional couples that I feel are similar to the vibes I get from yall. I see Barbie and Ken and Princess Carolyn and Judah from Bojack Horseman. You will meet your fs when you both need each other the most, this connection is divinely protected. When you guys get together, you will be each others support system and have a really stable and strong relationship. Your first impression of your fs will just be that they have a strong warmth to them as a person. An almost addictive personality. (very random last note just I kept seeing it and I'm seeing signs of it happening so your first introduction may be them spilling coffee on you lol)

Advice Cards:

You can manifest your heart's desire

You are healing at a cellular level

The issue at hand is about reflection. What is the mirror showing you?

The conditions are primed. Yes, it can happen, and if you believe, it will!

You need to make the first move

The Universe supports your stance and decision

Channeled Song:

Pile 6

Cards: Ace of Swords rx, Knight of Cups rx, Nine of Wands, The Chariot rx, Ace of Pentacles, Eight of Cups, Eight of Wands, King of Cups

Back of the Deck: The World

This connection is most likely starting on the internet. This could be through a dating app or something like discord. I am getting around the time of your first meeting, you will be working on yourself or working towards loving yourself more. That may be something you have struggled with in the past or currently. Spirits are working to bring this person closer to you. I feel like your person either lives really far away from you or super close to you, no in between. If you do meet through a dating app, I don't think either of you would be particularly looking for love, just someone to talk to and find similar interests to. I keep being brought to a couple I know that met through MySpace and now are happily married and travel the world, I am getting their vibes from this pile. They also have a youtube channel so you might even make content together. I heard that one of you may be from Asia, specifically from Japan and another one of you would be from the west, take it if it resonates. This connection won't manifest in person until after you have really took the time to get to know your fs more. It's like you will meet your fs two times, once online and another when you finally decide to meet in person. For some of you, you may not even meet this person until after you already started dating. I am even seeing for some of you this may be a person you have watched or stalked on social media and have been a fan of. But I am not seeing a power imbalance with you guys. I feel like you will see each other as equals. You guys will find what you have lacked in your other relationships with your fs. If you guys are at a distance or meet online, I feel like when you finally met in person it will be a big event for both of you where you almost feel like you are finally complete. Your first impression of your fs will be someone that just gets you. Someone that you feel like you could pour your heart out to without being judged. It won't be that you share everything in common and be very similar people, but you will compliment each other in a way that works beautifully. You have very compatible birth charts or MBTI's. I heard either you or your fs could be an ESFP. You and your fs will meet at a moment when you are both emotional ready for a relationship.

Advice Cards:

Weigh your situation carefully

The conditions are primed. Yes, it can happen, and if you believe, it will!

Your acts of love, kindness, and unlimited forgiveness bestow grace upon you

The issue at hand is about reflection. What is the mirror showing you?

Align your body, mind and spirit with your heart

Yes, you can .... Set it in motion!

Channeled Song:

If you got to this point, let me know if you would be interested paid personal readings! I would also just love to hear your feedback on the readings!

Thanks for tuning in₊‧.°.⋆🫧•˚₊‧⋆.

[furiousgoldfish]

On effortless recovery (personal)

I've been slowly dealing with cptsd and osdd for the last 8 years, and while I've had to actively work on some stuff, other have just happened without my interference, or at least, without me knowing I did anything about it. I have not been to therapy; or rather, there's been several attempts that were not working, and I had to end them. For instance, I've had therapy with someone who showed next to no interest in my issues and kept minimizing and ignoring whatever I've been saying, and this was the only person who didn't try to institutionalize me.

I've had to actively work on osdd, and it's something I'm learning about, and understand more as I go, but I also get that osdd is making everything else much easier on me. For instance, lots of my memories and thoughts are being blocked from me, and contained in alters who are making sure that I'm not affected by it, that is a huge help. Lots of thoughts that would upset me if I thought about them, are completely out of my reach, and if I do try to think about them, my mind goes blank and I forgot what I was thinking about. That's a great help for issues like anxiety and spiraling; I used to drown in my own fears and worries; now I just can't remember any of it. It is slightly depressing that my own peace of mind requires that big amount of amnesia, but you know, having some peace is so nice I could never be anything less than grateful for it. Being able to maintain some semblance of peace feels like resiliency, it means I have a place of quiet where I can go back to, even when distressing things happen.

I'm having my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion ease away from me very slowly. I still get exhausted easily, and am tired way more often than a regular person, but I now rarely get days when I can't get out of bed, or have to sacrifice a whole week due to a flashback or a nightmare. I no longer get anxious about planning to do something a day or two ahead because I can count on having at least a basic amount of energy. I don't think I've done anything to create this, it was just happening over the years, on its own. It's also happening so slowly that I don't even feel the progress, I have to remember to look 3 or 5 years back and remember just how much time I've been spending in bed then, to realize that it's less now, that I can do multiple activities a day now. I know I'm extremely lucky to be recovering from this, because there are people who have a chronic condition that doesn't allow for recovery, and I am very grateful for every day I can move around.

Another thing that is much better is sleeping! I used to wake up feeling like I'm dying, overheated, stressed, anxious, sometimes even paralyzed in fear, and if not fear, then grief would hold me down and I would be too sad to move. Now I'm finding myself waking up thinking 'Oh I'm so well rested! I have the energy to tackle some chores' like I'm in an actual good mood. And it's like ??? what is going on, since when is this me. I've been dreaming of having mornings like this, and now I have them, and it just happened over time (8 years) I still only think about doing chores when I have energy, because I know it's the only time of day I'll have any energy, so if I wake up restful I will rush to do dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and whatever else, because I know the energy will go away later and I will become a sad slob. But it's much better than waking up and having to take a few hours (or days) just to recover from sleeping. My sleeping schedule has been 8 hours all along, I somehow can't sleep over the 8 hour mark, and can't function if I sleep less than 7.

I will still sometimes have flashbacks and meltdowns if anything bad happens to me, but the recovery time from them has gone way down. It used to be weeks, months even, to recover from a single bad event. Now it's more like hours and days. It's still not very similar to what I think a regular person would have to deal with, but I love the progress very much! One thing that slips my mind is that I regularly forget how much worse things used to be. If I bounce back from something, I forget that in the past, this would ruin me for weeks, and I forget that this is progress and to take a minute to acknowledge that. I just take what I can and go. But it's good to look at it and see that life is a little easier.

Some anxiety has also withered away from me, because so much of my anxiety was due to inexperience. New problems that would appear in my life seemed unsolvable and catastrophic, because I never faced those problems before, didn't know how to solve it, didn't dare to ask for help, didn't have skills or knowledge to tackle any of them myself, and all of it felt like it would lead to my doom. After already having solved some of those problems multiple times, I'm at peace just because I know what to do now. I haven't done much asking for help to be honest, because I hate it, but in struggling to solve the problems myself (sometimes taking months and years to do so), I've gathered knowledge, skills and experience, and I now have a general idea of what to do in situations that reoccur, and also know what to expect, how long something will take, what type of action will resolve it. Just living and tackling things by myself, and succeeding, eases a lot of anxiety. There is a solution to everything, with sufficient knowledge, experience and skills.

A lot of stuff that's previously been bothering me to the level where I couldn't deal with it, can now be dealt with merely distracting myself from it. Which I think is very funny, because I used to consider all my time playing games or looking at funny videos 'procrastination', because I wasn't being productive right, I was just 'procrastinating' and delaying dealing with life. Now I value these activities specifically because they can save me from feeling miserable and sad. There's a warmth to looking at people being goofy, funny, interesting, entertaining, and taking joy in it, and reminding myself there's still a lot of good things in the world, there are good people, there is warmth, there is love, and I feel better after seeing it, regardless of how awful I felt before. Having my own thoughts redirected to something hopeful is making my days better, more stable. I think I'm just stopping myself from spiraling into hopelessness, by looking directly at hope and staying fixated on it for long enough. And it's something I didn't previously value as a real activity, because I didn't believe that making myself feel better while producing nothing, was a worthwhile pursuit.

Being safe from abuse for a long time managed to erode the feelings of guilt and shame I had in my own interests, thoughts and activities, and I've became unafraid of any failures. It is now very clear to me that failing is the only way towards learning and it's incredibly valuable. I'm shameless at starting new hobbies and activities and it does not bother me whatsoever when I do badly. Even failing at big stuff in my life, things that created actual damage to me, supplied me with knowledge I don't think I would otherwise gain, and I treasure it. I don't feel ashamed or like I've done anything wrong. I've been able to engage with my own curiosity about things and I'm now able to ask questions about anything, without feeling bad for 'not knowing already'.

I've also accepted that I'm bad at some stuff, and it doesn't mean anything much about me, we're all bad at something. Sometimes I'm bad at stuff, but enjoy doing them, so I still do them, fun gives it good value! And if I'm both bad at something and don't enjoy it, then I completely drop it, and feel okay knowing this just isn't for me. I remember when I used to believe I'm bad at everything, just because I was getting such horrid feedback on it, now it's almost funny. I like stuff I create even when I do them badly, because I remember how much fun I had doing it. If I want to do them better, I know I just need to keep practicing and it will happen. Nothing a human creates is shameful, especially if it's not causing any harm to anyone. We're made to create and it makes us happy.

I don't think I've done anything specific to create these changes, maybe some critical analysis of the past, and some willingness to consider my own happiness important and worthwhile. I think I spent so much time grieving that I've actually processed the most of it, so I'm no longer as overwhelmed by it as I was before. It's not like I'm no longer sad, I will start sobbing frequently and whenever I'm tired, I am automatically miserable. But it is no longer constant, suffocating feeling that follows me for every second of existence.

I haven't done anything to fix the sleeping or to ease the chronic pain, that was just time and being safe from abuse for a longer period. I wanted to write this specifically because I've been waking up feeling okay the last few days and that was a shock to experience, what a bliss to wake up and think 'I'm well rested'. Incredible life experience.

[aggro-my-beloved]

The Grey Area (GuyxHoney)

note: welcome to day three! if you’re wondering why this is so short and unedited, my stomach issues have gotten the better of me this week. 1 reblog and silly lil comment = 1 get well soon wish for me <3

summary: *everybody views the world as black and white until soulmates meet/lock eyes and see colors for the first time* [what’s more depressing than witnessing an amusement park in black and white? realizing it may be the last time you visit one, is probably what guy would answer, as he dangles upside down on Wonderworld’s “Surge” coaster. the pretty stranger next to him isn’t the worst company, though.]

pairings: GuyxHoney (romantic)

word count: 1.1k

estimated reading time: 5-6 mins

taglist: @ther3alsweetheart @darlin-collins @professionallyyappinabtangst @elles-roses bloop

GUY DRAWS IN DEEP, LABORED BREATHS alongside the other coaster passengers, inhaling the savory stench of sweat and cotton-candy coated air. In any other instance–preferably one where he isn’t tilted one hundred and eighty degrees on his head and about to suffer a deadly impact onto the fairgrounds–he’d be less green in his gills. His stomach would be rumbling requests for another sopping chili dog, or warm pretzel glistening with yellow mustard to tide him over for the night. However, the mass of citizens gathering beneath him with frightened eyes and murmured concerns is beckoning him to yak up what could be his last meal. No, no, maybe it’s word vomit.

“Crazy, huh? How one second your friends are wagering how many corn dogs you can eat before taking a spin on Wonderworld’s Surge, and the next you’re bracing to be a splat on the ground, remembered as nothing more than a crime scene photo–a crumb of a tragedy–”

“Please stop talking.” A meek voice belonging to the passenger beside him introduces itself. Due to their stiff pose and shut eyes (and seat dividers), Guy has no vantage point to any recognizable characteristics other than dirty sneakers and tremor in their voice. Their hands keep the lap bar restraints in an unyielding choke, and for good reason. If Guy were to shift as much as a millimeter, the minecart of a coaster seat would resound with an unpleasant creak.

“My bad. Talking to myself keeps me relaxed.”

“You find narrating your final moments relaxing?” Another tremor shakes their body, but Guy credits it to the anxious laughter bubbling from their lips. It offers little comfort for either of them, but he’ll take whatever distraction he can get from the looming thought of this night being their last. The respite is short-lived, as Guy and his passenger peer down to see one of the maintenance men (who’d been tackling the coaster’s sudden malfunctions for the past fifteen minutes) wave up at them with wide, swooping arms.

“Don’t worry, help is on the way!” The wind carries his voice unevenly, making it sound warbled to Guy’s ears. What may also be to blame is the unnatural amount of blood rushing past his ears and to his head. As the night progresses, a prominent chill grows stronger each second they are suspended thousands of feet above ground. He perks up at the relieved mutter from the passenger beside him.

“Thank goodness, there’s still hope.” Guy wiggles his toes, but cannot feel them. He chooses not to mention it.

“Now look at who's talking to themselves.” His voice quakes through the tease. The lurching in Guy’s stomach persists, and he ponders if it's another threat from his gut to expel its contents, or the beautiful stranger giving him their undivided attention. Usually, nobody pays him any mind unless he is adorning his work uniform and offering samples of Max’s award winning garlic knots to passersby.

“You may be onto something about the relaxing aspect.” They try for a deep breath, and Guy notices them strain to pull the air in their lungs. He’s sure they feel the lurch now too, but for different reasons.

“So, what’s your name?” The stranger snorts, before answering.

“I like that name. I’m Guy…how old are you?” Again, they reply. A humored snort follows.

“You gonna ask me for three fun facts about myself next?” Guy smirks, and cranes his neck to view the fairgrounds. The crowd of witnesses has grown, and their cell phone flashlights are blending in with the warm bulbs of the distant Ferris wheel. No sirens. No search and rescue. Not yet.

He looks back up to take in their profile. Closed eyes. Scrunched nose. Tight lips.

“Yeah, why the hell not? Seems like we got time.”

_________________________

“Okay, is it my turn?” Asks Guy, who holds up three remaining fingers. He’s become more impressed by this stranger with each hypothetical they toss for him to mull over, and ultimately concede to as he curls another digit to meet his fist.

“No, it’s mine. Never have I ever put pineapple on my pizza.” A disgusted groan falls past Guy’s lips as he tosses his head back, or attempts to. The seat he is strapped against stops him.

“I shouldn’t have mentioned where I worked, had I known it’d be vital to your victory.” He mutters through clenched teeth, and drops another finger. Of course, he had to try all of the controversial toppings—even anchovies, though he wasn’t completely sober when the slice peppered with them went down his gullet.

“C’mon, Guy. Dig deep!” They encourage contagious titters. The amount of blood pooling in their upper body is the culprit, Guy knows, but for now he’ll wish it’s his undeniable charm and wit upholding the conversation.

“Okay.” The man gnaws on his bottom lip. Would it be uncouth to ask after just meeting? How vulnerable can a person be staring into the eyes of death and accepting their fate? They’re strangers…but could be bound by the wicked force of trauma if they manage to walk away unscathed from tonight’s events. “Uh…”

Screw it.

“Never have I ever seen colors.” For a moment, Guy swears he feels their sharp breath inflate his lungs, because the inhalations are synced.

“You mean, you’ve never met your soulmate?” They gander, to which Guy shakes his head.

“Nope. Probably never will, by the looks of it…kinda hoped my last moments wouldn’t be all black and white. Or when the time came where my life flashed before my eyes like in the movies, it would be more…lively.” The stranger beside him blinks theirs open, and keeps them afixed on the array of stars peering down.

“I’ll never even know what color my eyes are.” They scoffed, much to Guy’s surprise. It seems every beautiful stranger he crosses paths with gives him a motivational phrase to keep his eyes peeled for his other half, which is how he knows they’ve jumped the hurdle of finding theirs. “I always ask my family and friends not to tell me, so I can find out for myself.”

Guy grows tired of winking at constellations and phone cameras. He much prefers the profile of the one sitting beside him. “I’m sure whatever color they are is gorgeous.”

Whiskey or bile coats his throat—he’s too far past delusional to tell—as they turn to fully face him. And then their eyes meet.

The whooping sirens reverberate like violins and complement the symphony of cheers from the crowd below awaiting to grasp and tug their loved ones into grateful embraces. The red engines and blue cotton candy clouds perched below them—even the neon painted cart Guy is sitting in means nothing beside the revelation that his life is not flashing before his eyes. They’re sitting right in front of him, letting him study their melanin, and wind blown straggles of hair, and undoubtedly gorgeous irises.

Suddenly, the pair could stay in this spot forever.

soulmate september schedule | main masterlist | abt author

[the-traveling-poet]

OH MY GOSH! That modern!au was so beautiful???😭😭 I’m not a sucker for moderns au cause I like to keep things as canon as possible but saying that I loved this would be an understatement. 🤩 Please write a pt 2?? 💕

Phone Call

After successfully arriving at the Cast Meet and Greet event a couple hours away from your quaint apartment, you were able to meet your idol at long last. Though you had been awkward in greeting the man of your dreams, you planned to make up for ‘lost time’. With his phone number tucked securely in your phone’s contact list, you anxiously awaited the right moment to send that first text.

Pairings: Actor!Levi x Fan!Reader

Warnings: modern!AU, language, fluff

Taglist: @21aurora @deepzombieyouth @braunsbabe

A/N: thanknyou so much Anon, and also AGREED. I’m not one for modern!AU aot fics, but the request kinda struck me and I thought ‘why not?’ And I’m content with how it turned out?? So I’m happy to do a follow up :3 I’m so sorry it took me forever! Hope you enjoy pt. 2!

Part 1 | Part 3

That hour had passed you by surprisingly quickly, with how often you’d space out staring over the crowd of fans to fantasize your interaction with Levi Ackerman all over once more in your hazy mind.

Just what had happened? Your babbling and jumbled words, earning you a receipt of his own personal number??

The more you thought about it, you figured this had to be some grueling joke. It had to, right? This never happened outside of fiction. Perhaps he had given you a public number of his, and if you texted it you might just end up embarrassing yourself.

But the look he’d had in his eyes when he glanced up at you before signing those ten numbers under his signature onto the very paper he held…surely he wasn’t one for cruel practical jokes, right?

Tucking the paper away for now, you brought yourself back to the present as the interview began.

For the entirety of the event, you couldn’t keep the giddy grin from your face as your favorite actors and actresses posed as their beloved characters to answer popular questions across many social media platforms. They would quote the author’s original scrip for accurate answers, as well as adding their own personal takes on the topics as the character’s roles.

How could this event have been any more enthralling; you had thought, just before managing to meet the gaze of Levi from the back of the room. Your breath stuck in your throat once more as you quickly diverted your stare.

But upon hearing the man start to speak into his small microphone to answer some questions on a cue card he held, your gaze snapped back up in an instant to find him. You could listen to his voice all day and never tire of how husky and yet smooth he sounded. While the questions were indeed interesting, and provoked curiosity within every fan present, you found it hard to focus on the words.

You pinched your thigh to make yourself concentrate less on the paper held securely in your hand, and more on the event you’d paid a good amount to come see.

The hours ticked by all too quickly, as much as you were anxious to get a chance to text Levi’s number. But finally the moment arrived when the cast all took a stand and thanked the audience for showing up.

Shaking hands grabbed at your belongings as you stood to clap alongside the hundred or so fans. The room was slow to clear, prohibiting you from leaving through the double doors just yet.

Realizing you’d be stuck in the exit line for some time, you let your anticipation get the better of you and pulled out your phone. You hesitated when the contact screen popped up, wondering just what you would say, should this in fact not have been a joke.

“Fuck it,” You whispered, hitting send.

Hey, Mr. Ackerman, this is Y/N from earlier. Loved getting to meet you today!

With a shaky sigh you pocketed your phone, fighting with your bag as you scanned the dispersing crowd. Your eyes naturally drifted back towards the interview table, watching the cast clear their things and be led back through a single door liking the back wall.

Surprisingly, Levi hadn’t departed yet. He stood beside two guards, arms folded and leaning casually against the table as they chatted.

You’d nearly looked away when his posture straightened. He pulled a thin black phone from his back pocket and unlocked it. You nearly lost your breath when he seemed to be reading the screen closely as his nimble thumbs ran across the lower half of the screen.

Daring to hope, you ducked down in the crowd slightly and checked the message you’d sent. And there at the bottom of the screen appeared a bubble icon.

Biting your lip, you were slightly saddened to see the line moving along. But now, you had a bit of a bounce to your step as you left the building and re-emerged back in the extensive parking lot.

You had to remind yourself to look away from your phone screen and watch for passing cars as you passed the walkway. Hastily unlocking your car, you slid inside and locked the door after you and picked up your phone.

I’m glad you enjoyed the event. But please, just Levi is fine. Seems you were anxious to test the validity of this number?

Who knows how long you sat there, shaking in your seat as your thumbs flew across the screen to form a response. But after some time discussing the event, Levi brought up the situation in which you hadn’t been able to say all you had wanted; what with the time limit per fan and your awkward stumbling.

With a burning face and shaking fingers you replied ‘yes’ to his suggestion for a quick call, as he had nothing left on his schedule after the interview, at least for a few hours.

You drove off with a tight grin, awkwardly taking the call once it rang. It was slow to begin with, you trying to be formal and Levi trying to convince you to just be yourself.

An hour into the drive home, you’d hardly recognized just how easy it had been to open up and ask the things you really wanted to know. He answered every question you had, to the best of your ability.

He never once sounded annoyed, nor distracted as the call progressed. In fact, he started asking you simple questions of his own.

Are you from around here?

No? Where at, then?

How damn long did you drive to get here?

When did you get into the show?

Why was my character your favorite? He’s kinda a dick.

All too soon you’d pulled into the lot outside your apartment, and bade him a hesitant goodbye. You’d have continued the call, if it hadn’t already been two hours of conversation and he had a shoot he had to attend for the company.

Offhandedly, he mentioned thinking on letting you have the first look how the photos would come out before he hung up, leaving you with an explosive feeling of butterflies in your gut.

Climbing the straits towards your room, you unlocked the door and flipped onto the couch with a barely contained scream.

You were living a reality you hardly thought feasible, how could you not be over the moon?

Just when you’d thrown your phone to the side some time later to grave dinner, your phone buzzed one last time.

*Attachment : 4 images.*

Never thought I’d give my number to a fan. Coffee at Highland Cafè around 2 o’clock next week? That’s closer to you.

[saber-monet]

“They’re talking shit” manifesting technique

Or

“Let them talk shit” Method

So this is the technique that I used, and still currently use as an over-thinker to manifest my desired reality and maintain my desired mental state.

So back in college, I was insecure. The type of insecure, where if I hung out with friends and then I left the room, only thing that would be racing through my mind would be the idea of them talking about me behind my back. Like Just talking the most shit and calling me out of my name. Granted these are the types of friends I had back then, I now know better.

So here was the pattern :

Every time I left the room, and I felt insecure about something I had just said or done, I would imagine them saying bad things about me or finding me weird of off putting. The things I would imagine them saying, would break my heart. So I put a stop to it.

And I recognized those people were not in the room with me and I was using my imagination to hurt myself .

I could have been imagining them saying anything because I have that power and I’m choosing to see them saying most terrible things about me. So, I made the decision to imagine them still talking shit, but this time it was about all the good things I wanted.

( you have to keep the same hater energy when you do this btw)

Example:

“Who does she think she is? Just because she has a great body and works out and is always in a happy state of being. She think she’s better than us. 😒.  she think she’s rich too. She only has about $100,000 in her bank account. The rest is tied up in the stock market and crypto currency. So she technically doesn’t even have that much money. 🙄”

“ she wants to be an influencer sooo bad .ugh, So what if your YouTube channel grew by 200,000 subs in less than 3 weeks and you’re getting amazing sponsorship oppertunities. So what bitch you ain’t pewdie pie. You don’t even have 1,000,000 subs yet . Pipe down”

So in those examples, I just affirmed a reality where:

- I great healthy body

- im in a happy/content state of being

- $100,000 in in my bank account

-I have plentiful bountiful investments/crypto currency

-my YouTube channel successful

-I’m getting great sponsorship opportunities

And because I used other people to affirm those for me, it’s a stronger self concept/reality. Because I’m affirming it in, first person, third person and second person( by default).

This technique works with any “negative” dominating emotion.

So if you were anxious or have anxious dominant feelings. Start affirming, anxious thoughts that you would WANT to have.

For example:

“I hope my professor doesn’t hate me for being more educated/smarter on the subject than he is 😭. Like I get he spent years in school studying this stuff, but it comes easy to me and surpass his expertise every time without fail. I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to show him up😰”

“ I hope the bank doesn’t get suspicious about how much money I’ve been depositing into my account. 😥Plus I’ve been getting so much money this year from random sources, in such large amounts, I’m kind of worried that the IRS is going to get involved and make filing my taxes a little complicated this year.☹️”

So, in those two short sentences, you just affirm that

you’re smart,

you’re doing well in the class, and

you’ve been getting large amounts of money throughout the year, from expected and unexpected sources. 

Remember if you want it, you can get it. Try “under-thinking” , it’s easier than you’d expect. No matter what state you are in. If you were able to tell a consistent story about how you want to be, you’re good.

* when I use the word “negative”, I’m talking about the words you are using to describe the situation. Because by default every situation is neutral. It doesn’t become positive or negative until you choose to assign it a value .

Don’t force yourself to be happy, force your thoughts to tell a better story. One that wouldn’t mind living out and experience. And the only except thoughts that affirmed the reality that you want. From any angle. You have to learn when and how to work with your emotions. Emotions are only bad if you identify them as bad.

When you come up with any other examples, please, I would love to hear them. share them with me.

[lowkeyrobin]

Hiii im a chronically ill and disabled person and I was wondering if you could do a Ranboo x gender neutral reader that’s having a doctors appointment (list of things they would do for comfort when reader is fearful of being there?) :3

hi!!! and yes of course I could!! hope you enjoy! sorry if anything seems a little inaccurate bc I took some stuff I already know and used it for this and stuff but everyone's different lmao

RANBOO ; minor nosocomephobia

summary ; you take ranboo to the doctors with you for some moral support

warnings ; language, talk about hospitals/illness, nail biting and nervous scratching

genre ; fluff

word count ; 578

masterlist

he notices you fidgeting around as you're making your way up the elevator, picking at your nails, scratching your wrists, frequently running a hand through your hair, etcetera

they silently rub your shoulder and give you a little comforting nod as you travel down to the office where the nurses were directing you

you guys have to wait like a fucking hour after the nurse checks your blood pressure and does some basic procedures and whatnot

meanwhile they eventually reach into their enormous pockets and pull out a little fidget toy for you

"you better stop picking at your nails before I smack you. slash lighthearted"

he ensures that while he blabbers on about dumb shit, that you at least smile or giggle

he understands that you're nervous and with the long amount of waiting, it doesn't make it any better, delaying it more just makes you more anxious

if your focus strays away from the fidget toy he brought for you, he's got three more don't even worry bro

while the doctor is asking you questions, you keep looking over at them like they're gonna speak for you because you don't know how to answer some of the questions

at one point you have no idea what the doctor meant because the words got jumbled in your head from the anxiety

ranboo quickly answered for you in a heartbeat and apologized, considering they saw you silent trying to think

while the doctor has you do some physical tests to make sure your heart is running at a "you-normal" pace, he's hyping you up

if you have to do a 6 minute walk to track the way your lungs and heart pump blood and give you air to breathe, he's at one end of the hallway quietly shouting compliments and getting you through it with a little less embarrassment

the doctor is confused but supportive of him doing this for you considering they always knew you seemed very anxious around the the hospital and you seemed a little less scared about it

whatever to get you talking a little more could really go the extra mile, they're happy that you found a good way to do that as well, especially with it being a person

if for any reason they need to stick tubes on you or take ultrasounds around your body, he'll let you squeeze his hand all that you need to

they promise you your favorite fast food/takeout afterwards that way you'll try and get through it a little smoother

if you need him outside the room to talk to your doctor, he leaves in a heartbeat, he'll never disrespect your privacy, don't worry

he took pictures of all your medication bottles before leaving since he knew you'd forget to

you guys both messily botch the names while trying to pronounce them and you and the doctor all get a laugh out of it

he writes down everything the doctor says/recommends for you

they talk with the doctor in private for a bit and stuff while you're signing papers and shit

the sigh of relief once you leave 😭 ran literally looks down at you with a "yeah?"

on the way back down to the parking garage you're still fidgeting with the little tangle they'd given you because obviously going to the doctors because you're chronically ill isn't the funnest thing ever

gives you a big hug once you get to the car

"see? you're so brave and awesome"

"well, thanks for coming with me"

[davidjordanphoenix]

It is SO FUCKING HARD to figure out what "working hard" looks like when you're disabled.

I want to be a hard worker. I want to learn work ethic. But I HAVE to remember it's going to look different from someone who doesn't live with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, chronic anxiety. There's a difference between laziness and real limitations.

I am in pain all the time. Everything hurts. I have headaches and migraines. My muscles are constantly sore even when I've not exercised. I have constant nerve pain in certain parts of my body that is constant 100% of my waking hours. My feet always hurt. I have a deep tissue skin condition that causes pain. I am always, always, always hurting.

I am tired 100% of the time and honestly? The fatigue is worse than the pain. I would rather have MORE PAIN if it meant I was somehow less tired. The fatigue is so bad I panic when I feel exhausted. When I feel my fatigue getting worse it causes anxiety because I have flashbacks of the days I had to sleep for 2-3 days in a row with no food and only the water I brought with me before crashing. I FEAR exhaustion. Pain is miserable but you can learn to tune it out mostly if you're focused enough on something else. You cannot tune out fatigue. No amount of distraction can pull you away from the despair of being trapped in a body that cannot move the way you need it to because you are simply too exhausted to make it move. Fatigue pulls all focus because you don't have the energy to focus on anything else. When I say I'm exhausted, I don't mean I want to take a nap. I mean that down to my bones, every muscle fiber, down to my fucking eyelids feels soupy and heavy and sapped of whatever life juice keeps them functioning. Exhaustion feels like wakeful death. And sleep doesn't fix it.

I get sick. Constantly. I always either have a fungal infection, or a sore throat, or a nauseous stomach, or a migraine, or SOMETHING. I get sick if I push too hard, even if I had fun. I just went on vacation and spent about 3 days after feeling like I had the flu. My tonsils were red and swollen, I could barely swallow, I had a wet cough, migraine for a week, could barely choke down food. Nobody else got any symptoms. I just get sick because I decided to do something.

On top of the pain, fatigue, and sickness, my brain is a nightmare of anguish. I have a "very severe case" of major depressive disorder that has been treatment resistant since I was a teenager. My head feels like there's constant screaming. I am anxious and fearful of EVERYTHING. There is always noise in my head, screaming in pain and screaming at me that I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough, I'm an idiot I'm worthless I'm garbage I'm better off dead. I think about suicide obsessively. My brain is a place of torment I am constantly trying to escape.

And then I wonder why it's fucking hard to exist.

Here's the thing: I so, so, so badly want to learn how to work hard. I want to learn how to pour the energy I have into something beautiful. I want to learn how to work hard and take the time and effort to create things that I'm proud of, that can help people feel seen and loved and ease their suffering just a little. It's creation from others that brings me so much joy every day and makes life worth living. I want to create too!

I want to exercise to be physically strong and as able bodied as I can be. I want to be able to cook meals because I love cooking. I want to be able to go for a hike with my dog. I want to spend hours working on something beautiful that makes people feel joy. I want to live a full life. I want to be free.

I have to remember my freedom will still have its shackles. I cannot have a life without chronic pain. I cannot have a life without chronic illness. I cannot have a life without a broken mind.

But if I learn how to work hard, despite all that, maybe I can have something worth it for me.

[takami-takami]

hii I love all ur posts and writing !! (bare with me english not my native language but talking with people helps)

just wanted to ask what do u think hawks would be like when thinking abt getting married, some people think he isnt that type of person more like douchebag / playboy etc but hes a sweetheart deep down considering everything that happened to him (and "mean!hawks" too IDK hes prob just a annoying tease in bed) anyways i was thinking about it earlier and i was like wtf would he do, im sure he would do it in private but other than that idk because the commission, planning, what are ur thoughts? maybe he would be really anxious thinking about it but he knows ur the one? nobody has written about this like for real ( i THINK) if u or someone else has tell me PLEASE. i"ve been thinking about it for a while (a Lil embarrassed ngl)

just asking what u think in general what he would do bc like said havent seen anyone talk about it

at the start of the relationship, he's probably like nervous to even be in one but after like 3 months or something he probably wants to be with you forever and never let u go, it would be a bit hard for him to plan it all out because he barely has anyone to talk about it other than you unless he hired someone which no.. i think because he wants to make it special from his heart + the commission giving him any time to do anything let alone a honey moon and blah ya know?

other than that im stumped no idea

(u can ignore idm !! )

(MHA season 6 episode 3 spoilers ahead!)

People say Hawks is a playboy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He's such a sweetheart. Self sacrificing.

I think he falls hard. It is extremely difficult for him to trust, given not only his childhood, but his time with the commission, too. With the amount of undercover dirty work they made him do, there's no doubt they taught him from very young to trust no one. The message from his parents and the commission is clear: he can only trust himself.

But... We know Keigo still feels; so, so strongly. Dabi mocks him for it, mocks him because he can't stop himself from being "distracted by his emotions". Even when he knows what he's "supposed" to do in the Twice scene, he hesitates because it fucking hurts, he still feels pangs of empathy. Despite all he was taught about shutting off your emotions, that's something he still can't do completely, even if he ultimately decides to do the opposite of what he feels.

So. It would take a very, very long time for him to truly open up to you, much less recognize his feelings as romantic (he goes through a stage of denial, because he never saw himself actually being "selfish" and allowing himself a real relationship). But once he has his mind made up, and really makes that decision to be yours, he will not give that up for anything. He follows through to the end.

I think he always wanted to get married. Not in the way his parents did; he never did have a good example. But the way people on TV did, the way they wax poetic about in songs he never understood. He is definitely the marriage, soulmates kind of guy. He craves that slow, that domesticity, to protect.

You make such a good point that he wouldn't know what to do because he has no one to talk about it with... But he knows he wants it to be special. He would fret and fuss so hard about it being perfect, trying to impress you and stressing over it so badly.

Until one day, you grab his hand and tell him, "lets get married, right here. Right now." It doesn't have to be official to be entirely authentic and in love and you. To the backdrop of the dim light of a summer evening, under the flourescent glow of the string lights adorning your back porch, you have your first dance to the tune of the creaky wood beneath your feet. You dance to the tune of a love song he finally understands.

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Leona Kingscholar Beastly Garb Personal Story: Part 1

"Whatever I feel like doing."

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

[Sports Field]

Leona: We'll end today's practice here. Make sure you do your cool down exercise on your own.

Magift Club Members: YESSIR!!!

Leona: Ahh, I'm beat. Think I'll head back to the dorm and snooze a bit.

Epel: Um, Leona-san! There's something I'd like to ask of you…

Leona: Ask of me? If it's something stupid, I ain't gonna hear you out.

Epel: Uhhm… That means I can still ask, right? Thank you very much.

Epel: Recently, I keep missing passes and dropping discs a lot.

Epel: Please tell me a way to train so I can improve my control of the disc and make less mistakes!

Leona: Oh, is that all? Don't worry about it. Bye.

Epel: Eh… Wait, no, I wanted more specific advice…!

???: EH!

Epel/Leona: ?

Ruggie: You guys are gonna go into town? By bus?

Magift Club Member A: Yeah, but… What's up, Ruggie? You wanna go too?

Magift Club Member B: You can come, but we're not gonna buy you any food.

Ruggie: Tch, that sucks. But puttin' that aside… If you're headin' there, can I getcha to buy somethin' for me?

Ruggie: It might be a liiiittle heavy, but… It should be easy enough for two people to carry 20 boxes of sports drink powder packets!

Magift Club Member A: No way!! You can do that by sending a first year to the Mystery Shop or something, instead.

Ruggie: YEAH BUT THE SPORTIN' GOODS STORE IN TOWN'S ABOUT 6 MADOL CHEAPER PER BOX!!!!!

Ruggie: If I ask you guys to do it for me, then that saves me on the bus fare, and the club's money. It's basically killing two birds with one stone.

Magift Club Member B: Not my problem. It's not like that amount saved is gonna go into our pockets or anything… If you want to save money so bad, why don't you go yourself?

Ruggie: Mmkay, I mean, I don't really care～ But there's that time you owe me from when I swapped clubroom cleaning duties with ya…

Magift Club Member A: O-Okay, okay! We'll go buy some on the way back!

Ruggie: Thanks a bunch. 'Kay, here's the money for it. I need the usual 20 boxes of sports drinks!

Leona: Man, you're being so cheap…

Ruggie: Ah, Leona-san. Were you listening to all that?

Ruggie: I'm not being cheap at all. That's me saving 6 Madol on 20 boxes each, y'know!? It's completely a rip-off otherwise!

Epel: 20 boxes of sports drink powder…

Epel: That'd be difficult to carry by broom, maybe? I guess it would be pretty impossible to bring back without taking the bus.

Ruggie: Riiight? Brooms're great 'cause you don't gotta think about schedules and fares, but...

Ruggie: If you gotta carry stuff, it's basically the pits…. Or more like, someone scrawny like me can't do that.

Epel: Yes… Whenever I try to fly with my stuff on the broom, I'm always swaying so hard it makes me anxious…

Epel: If I try to use magic to carry it, then I get so focused on the floating luggage that my speed drops.

Leona: See, you get it.

Ruggie: Huh, but your flight ability's way out of our range.

Leona: Well, yeah. But that's not what I'm talking about.

Leona: I meant about what I said to Epel earlier to not worry about making mistakes when handling the disc.

Leona: Your flying's one of the best out of all the first years.

Leona: If you're gonna try to greedily grab at everything and neglect your actual strong point, how're you actually gonna be useful?

Epel: That's…

Leona: You don't need to think about anything unnecessary right now.

Leona: If you think about it, the disc is just a single object. Moving it with magic is like, the fundamentals.

Leona: As long as you keep up your studies, you'll improve over time.

Epel: I see…!

Ruggie: Shishishi, can you really say that, though, since you skip all your classes?

Leona: Hah?

Epel: Ahahaha…

Leona: But when it comes to shopping… You guys figure it out on your own.

Ruggie: Ehhh. Even if you say that…

Ruggie: Public transportation costs money, and there's not that many buses running on Sage's Island to start with!

Ruggie: If we used brooms, then that'd help save time, but… If there's a ton to buy, then we'd need a bunch of people to work together to go get it.

Leona: Luckily, the Magical Shift Club has more members than any other club. Shouldn't be a problem.

Ruggie: What're you even saying? There's no way any of these guys would take on something like this before coming to practice.

Epel: And magical wheels… Aren't really geared towards hauling stuff, either.

Ruggie: Maaan, it'd be great if we had someone who could bust out a car in times like these.

Ruggie: If we did, it'd be so easy to go shoppin' for the club, and we could totally use it to take full advantage of all the bargains that happen in town!

Leona: …

Epel: Most of the adults back home have cars… But I don't think I know anyone here at school with a license, I think?

Ruggie: I mean, the first years're probably too young, and everyone at our school's pretty busy anyway. I don't think there's anyone who'd be able to get one.

Epel: I thought you'd be someone to get something as useful as a license as soon as he could, Ruggie-san.

Ruggie: Eh? But getting a license and renewin' it costs money, don't it?

Leona: How long're you guys going to be talking about something you can't have? No one can drive, so just give it up.

Leona: C'mon, it's an easy decision. Just don't go to into town.

Leona: Night Raven College is a prestigious Magical Shift school. Our club's really well funded, if not abundantly so.

Leona: Basically, the Mystery Shop should be enough. Just don't be greedy.

Ruggie: Tch. This island's reaaaally inconvenient.

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

Requested by @dorito9708 and @kiingsroar.

[fox-bright]

Watching the H5N1 stuff get worse and worse--I'm hoping we have until late next year before it goes reliably human-human, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was this winter--and not being able to do much makes me anxious, so I've been composing lists of stuff to do. I keep thinking, if this were August, 2019, and I knew covid was coming, what would I prepare? If this one goes off like the scientists think it might, it'll be much worse than covid.

Right now, I'm concentrating on food. My plan is to have enough hunker down supplies by mid-September that if things go bad in the normally-scheduled October-February flu season, we'll be okay simply not leaving the house at all. There are only two of us here now, and if things go bad there may be as many as four (as I have two separate friends I'd push hard to come stay here with us), so I need to make sure we have 4 meals x howevermany days I choose. I'm building up to six months, but I'm beginning the plan at three. While a lot of Serious Prepper lists have pretty generous caloric allowances, the MFH and I eat pretty light, and we're both smaller than the average adult human, which does give us even more squeak room here.

We started out with dry staples--bread flour, AP flour, semolina, rice, beans, pasta, lentils, powdered milk--though I have still to get powdered eggs (I'll dehydrate those myself), more dry beans (I'm going to use up a lot of what we have when I do my canning run for the winter, and so far I haven't been able to get my hands on kidney beans in any decent amounts), quinoa, and one more kind of pasta. Right now we have about 2/3 of what I'd want; we'll be holding things at this level, replacing staples as we use them, and if things look more serious we'll do another big shop and give ourselves additional stock of the AP flour, the bread flour, the rice (which we already buy in 40-50 lb bags anyway, we're Asian), the dry milk.

Then there's the perishable stuff; yesterday, the MFH and I took advantage of some very nice sales and got seventy pounds of meat for two hundred and twelve dollars. Beef brisket for stew, pork butt for sweet molasses chili, ground beef for hotter chili, pork loin for white bean soup. Still have to get chicken (which was pretty much sold out at our bulk place) for chicken soup (to be pressure canned), chicken and mushroom cream soup (to be vacuum-packed and frozen).

Very very soon it'll be time to harvest my leeks and my butternut squashes, for leek and potato soup (either finished with cream, blended to a smooth-ish consistency and frozen, or *not* blended down, and just socked away in pressure-canned Ball jars without the cream added; will it take me longer to thaw it, or to take my immersion blender to the hot individual meals later on?) and canned butternut for baking with or making soup or chili or making pasta sauce.

I might can a bunch of just potatoes, too, to keep 'em shelf stable (plus that front-loads a lot of the work of producing a meal later).

So I need to buy onions and carrots and potatoes and celery and garlic and mushrooms and corn, cream, red wine, tomato paste (because my vines got blight this year, sigh--I've managed to can one single run of tomato sauce and that's IT), ten dozen fresh eggs to dehydrate and powder and store in the fridge in case of egg shortages, several pounds of beans to be thrown into the chilis and...hm...fifteen pounds more, twenty pounds more, to have on hand? And then for non-canning purposes we'll need butter, oil, white vinegar (I've used a lot of it for pickles this year), various Asian food staples like black and rice vinegars, oyster sauce, black mushrooms and so on. As for pre-made, mass-produced foods, I'll probably make another post about them later.

While this is more than I'd generally stock in a single season, I do generally put about 100 quarts of home-canned food by a year, and I never keep less than 75-100lb of flour on hand anyway because of how frequently I make bread. So though it sounds like a lot up front, it's not hoarder level; everything I stock will be eaten, some of it pretty much immediately (the beef stew is so good). And putting it all by now means that we'll be less of a burden on our community safety net, if push comes to shove. When the covid pandemic hit I had dozens of jars of food on the shelf already, which gave me a little peace when things were looking scary. We were able to share some of our stores with people who hadn't had the great privilege of long afternoons spent seeing to the personal stores. That's a better option, to my mind, than needing to panic-shop right as things start getting a little wild.

Basically, if things go bad, we'll have food for a while. And if things don't go bad, we'll have food for a while. It's win-win. And it keeps the floor under my feet when I'm feeling unsteady, to be able to sneak down into the cool, still basement and look at row on row of gently gleaming jars of food security.

[jpt1311summerbnixautumn]

Convention Blog Post

On August 1st, 2021, I went to Tampa Comic Con with my dad. This was the first and only convention I've ever been to, but I'm planning on going again with my dad this year at the end of August. At the time I was 15 and a very anxious teen so i was SO stressed about going and being judged. I had planned to cosplay as Nobara from Jujutsu Kaisen, but I decided last minute not to wear it because I didn't want to be embarrassed if I saw someone I knew while walking into the convention center (for context I lived an hour away from Tampa and there was no way I would see anyone I knew but you know when you're nervous you don't think clearly). I was very into manga and anime back then, and I was going with my dad because he's HUGE on Marvel and DC Comics, which I am also still interested in. I didn't have any big expectations going in, or really any sort of plan. I was hoping to buy some Chainsaw Man merch but that was really all I thought of ahead of time.

The convention was 3 days long: a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We decided to go on Sunday, when tickets were reduced and the convention closed earlier than it had the previous days. We also got there as soon as it opened, and I was praying that both of these conditions would make for it to be not nearly as busy as I was anticipating, but I never could've imagined how insanely packed it was. From the short walk to the parking lot to the center, we passed numerous people decked out in cosplays of all kinds. Some just wearing shirts with their favorite characters, others wearing an outfit that they bought from Amazon most likely, and a few people adorned in completely homemade cosplays that they had clearly spent days, if not weeks, completing. I didn't wear a cosplay because I thought I would be one of the only ones, but it turned out that my normal clothes were actually in the minority. After going through the long process of entering, getting our wristbands, and traversing the center to make it to the convention space, I was amazed at how many people I had already passed. And my shock only grew as we stepped inside the large room. The space was like a labyrinth, a maze with walls of tables and booths, filled with all kinds of merchandise. I had thought that fanmade anime merch like keychains and art prints would be the main thing being sold, but I was very wrong. There was a GIANT section right next to the entrance that was just at least 10 long tables of boxes filled with vintage comics. There were multiple woodworking booths that sold beautifully intricate sculptures and wall art that were all well over $300 (which seemed a very appropriate price for the amount of detail that was hand carved). It's easy to say that I was very overwhelmed by all this.

I have always LOVED people watching, and I've never been to a better place to do so than this convention. After walking around for about an hour just taking all of the information in, my dad and I went to a little snack stand and each got a cheeseburger and a drink. The few tables they had were full, so we sat against a wall and surveyed the crowd. People of all ages were cosplaying and interacting. I saw one middle aged man dressed as Batman go up to a kid dressed as the Joker who couldn't have been older than 12 and start pretending to have a rivalry with him. There were so many group costumes for things I couldn't have even imagined cosplaying. Another teenage girl was sat on the floor a few feet away from me with her group of friends, wearing her interpretation of Bill Cipher from the show Gravity Falls. It genuinely filled me with so much joy to be able to watch all of these diverse groups come together to just celebrate what they like. I was so nervous going in, but everyone there seemed so friendly and at ease, I couldn't help but feel a lot less embarrassed.

My dad and I sat on the floor for about an hour and finished our food, and we went to explore the rest of the convention. We stopped at almost every booth, and I had bought 2 things along the way, a Gojo Satoru poster for my friend's birthday, and a Neon Genesis Evangelion shirt for my other friend's birthday (all of our birthdays are within a week from each other so it was nice to be able to get their gifts all in one spot). The event didn't really seem like my dad's cup of tea, and I was getting worried that he wasn't having fun, but he reassured me that he was just enjoying walking around and hanging out. After 3 hours of being under bright fluorescent lights and surrounded by people and bright colors, we were both starting to get a headache and decided it was time for us to head out. I know lots of people stay at conventions from open to close every day that they run, and I have to give MAJOR props to them because I am not nearly strong enough for that. On the way out, my dad and I passed a booth that we missed before that was selling $5 vintage tees. I dragged him over to look and was SO excited because all of the shirts they had were actually really cool. He bought 2 Marvel shirts, and I was very happy that he wan't leaving empty handed. I also got 2 shirts, an oversized graphic tee of the 1987 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show that my dad made me watch as a kid, and a Def Leppard shirt that I still wear to this day (shown below in a picture way too big for this post but it won't let me make it smaller).

3 years later, as a much more confident college student, I can't wait to return to Tampa Comic Con. I'm planning on wearing a Sailor Moon cosplay that I wore for halloween last year (added below in case anyone wanted to see), and after my previous experience, I'm no longer nervous about being judged. Comic Con is a place where the only requirement to be accepted is to be kind <3

(So so sorry this is over 1k words I just got really into writing about my experience and reminiscing. Please don't dock any points I'm just overly passionate)

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

Tagged by my darling @glassangels <3<3<3

1. Are you named after anyone? Im named after a kinks song which is a massive win for me personally. They almost named me rosa after the pixies album (which wouldve made sense bc we do in fact surf) but one of my moms friends was already knitting a sweater with the kinks-name on it and she convinced them to keep it. My middle name is also my paternal grandmas middle name so i guess that counts too

2. When was the last time you cried? No idea tbh. That thing where you lie down on your side and then your eyes start leaking happens to me a lot but a proper sadness-induced cry hasnt happened for months. I will say that sometimes i say something made me cry, and although it technically didnt due to no tears falling, it did make my soul hurt and crying is the closest phrase that expresses that <3

3. Do you have kids? Thank god no

4. What sports do you play/have you played? Soccer, ran track for a bit, ultimate frisbee, swimming, fencing, fighting (mma, kickboxing, cage, etc), equestrianism (im including my brief and unimpressive time vaulting here), did some stuff with a circus briefly (contortionism, aerial arts, lyra), and then the usual outdoorsy shit (surfing, bouldering, hiking, skiing, and since caving is technically a sport, caving). Also danced for a bit (ballet, contemporary, and jazz). Yeah man idk either

5. Do you use sarcasm? Technically yes but its less "sarcasm" and more "inability to express a truth about myself without making it into a joke". A bit of sarcasm when the time calls for it is always fair game though and i will indulge

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? The way they carry themself says a lot about their temperament and emotional state and whatnot so thats typically where my eye is drawn. Second place goes to wherever theyre keeping their valuables on them and how expensively theyre dressed though

7. Eye color? Blue but ive got a bit of yellow central heterochromia so they tend to look green if its bright out

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Kill them <3 scary movies 4ever

9. Any talents? Party trick-wise i did retain some contortionist ability and so thats always a good one to break out. Also can spit water up to 30 ft for tooth gap reasons. I am the type of person whos just naturally good at a lot of things (sorry) so i consider that a talent too

10. Where were you born? The top left corner of the USA, not including alaska

11. Hobbies? Writing, journaling, watching movies, reading, various textile arts, going for walks, playing assorted instruments, and occasionally traditional art (im particularly fond of ballpoint pens and oil pastels). Would say listening to music but thats a job to me and i clock into that shit like i get paid

12. Any pets? Maeve the most anxious dog in the world who i love very much <3

13. Height? 5'8/172 cm

14. Favorite school subject? I was a school hater so it really depended on the teacher... in high school i did have the same teacher for like three years in a row (she taught me english in freshman year, history in sophomore, + health in junior) and she was totally awesome so all those classes were great. Typically the classes i had the most fun in were english and history just bc there was more room for fucking around. In the single semester of college i took i did have crazy amounts of fun in my film class though which i will say was mostly because my professor rocked and i got him on my side early so i could kind of do whatever

15. Dream job? Due to the Issues and also common sense mainly i just wish the government actually took care of people and i wouldnt need to work. But if i have to chose a job than itd be a) writing a book or two that are good enough i could live off the royalties and film rights and whatnot for the rest of my life or b) pulling an enya (dropping some widely beloved and largely incomprehensible music and then disappearing totally from the public eye to live in a castle in the middle of nowhere)

Idk whos already done this so ignore me if you have lol @supersonic1994 @nothingrhymedwithcircus @hauntedwoman @halogenstreetlight @evebabitzgf @serethereal and anyone else who wants to <3<3<3