#Uncle Elmer

[classicprowrestling]

Piper's Pit w/ Uncle Elmer - 1985

[ringthedamnbell]

Wrestling With Sin: 472

Wrestling With Sin: 472 featuring Uncle Elmer, Dick the Bruiser, Chris Adams and more...

Brian Damage This is the 472nd installment of the ‘Wrestling with Sin‘ series. A group of stories that delves into the darker, underbelly of pro wrestling. Many of the stories involve such subjects as sex, drugs, greed and in some cases even murder! As with every single story in the Sin series, I do not condone or condemn the alleged participants. We simply retell their stories by researching…

[guyincognitojr]

[aiiaiiiyo]

[incorrectlooneytunesquotes]

Elmer: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again. Filbert Fudd: Twy me. Elmer: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondewing if your cwazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

[jave1y]

Since yall loved my other post and I might as well lore dump and introduce my ocs

elmur is a 19 year old who was born with a curse that gives him the ability to see beings that normal naked eye can’t see. These other beings include monsters and ghosts. He grew up with azazel and yuria and they became like his own parental figures, since he didn’t have the best guardian when he was growing up. though it’s hard for him to make decisions between the two since polar opposites opposite. Yuria being more laid back and azazel being more stern and serious. But he always has his uncle Dean to be the (well the only good human figure in his life ) elmur is super chill, and he’s also kinda dumb but I love him idk, (also no one can see these creatures other than him)

Yuria is a . Well was a semi famous solo singer that was murdered in the 1980 by a fan on her wedding day. But instead of doing the usual “haunting and being sad all the time”. She takes the opportunity to have fun with her predicament, especially when death (grim reaper or death in general) is waiting for her to move on. She’s semi friends azazel but often gets into shenanigans with him due to their polar personalities. She is very chaotic, but she’s also kind of sassy. I love her. I love my wife. I’m so glad that other people love my wife. Oh and she’s also pen pals with Dean.

Azazel is a being that is known as the outsider which is a monster that is exist in the outside plane, which is where most of the monsters that Elmer can see. It’s a combination of what we see. Basically monsters that just appeared but can’t be seen. They tend to copy humans mannerisms but not all of them are friendly . Azazel is one of those friendly monsters that had basically adopted elmur. He originally knew elmurs grandmother who had unfortunately passed. So taking care of Elmer is like a justice to her. he’s a stickler for the rules and sometimes he doesn’t realize that he’s being too serious with elmur. He’s not really used to it. He’s /srs most of the time, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t pissy (think of the narrator from Stanley parable)

Dean is Elmer’s uncle and he already has a lot of personal issues and like Elmur he didn’t have the best life either. He drinks a lot but he also doesn’t want his past to define who he is now. Hes a Divorced police officer and he lives his nephew elmur and his son Travis (and some extra company) Dean is aware of Elmer’s “friends” but he’s supportive of it and doesn’t like to judge or shame elmur. Despite being divorced he’s on friendly terms with his ex wife and they still talk. But Dean is mainly alone when it comes to a social life, which is why he’s been getting random letters in mail from a secretive pen pal. Let’s say on the side of yuria chaotic energy and azazels serious and /srs manner, he’s in between I didn’t be careful someone who is confused about what they want can become confused about what you’re worth

Yeah so those are my bbs

If you have any questions feel free to ask or if you wanna draw my ocs ur absolutely allowed

I love ya

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

hey! hows secret!reader doing??

"I thought," your uncle said, proffering an envelope from a jacket pocket, "that you might want some of these."

"Ooo," Jason said, taking it before you could protest. "Blackmail pictures? Awkward kid pictures?"

"Not really," He said, chortling. "But she always was a cute little shit. And magazines and certain conservation and special interest groups liked an occasional kid picture- especially if that kid was beaming like she won the lottery because she got to feed fruit to a creature of some sort. Or play with a baby elephant."

"She still likes creatures. You should see how good she tamed my youngest brother," Jason said.

"Obviously," he said, proffering chicken to Elmer as a bribe. "I still want to know where you found this cat. I've met tigers that have better manners."

"A shelter," you snort. "Jason thought I needed socializing."

"You did," he protested, thumbing through the pictues. All are meticulously labeled and dated. Your sister conspicuously absent. Like you were absent from so many pictures in your parent's house. It was clear that while she built business connections, you hobnobbed with any critter you were allowed to pet or feed. Traipsing along with your father's brothers- the other spare.

You had been a cute little shit as a little girl. You'd been a pretty young lady. But now, even with your scars you were a beautiful woman. It was hard to even notice them.

"You always do better with a little friend," your uncle pointed out, his face warming as he watched Elmer make himself comfortable on your lap. Insolently demanding your attention back. "Remember Roscoe?"

"Aww he was sweet. Such a good boy-"

"Roscoe?" Jason asked interested.

"A white rat," you explain. "He was blind but. He liked to play fetch with jingle bells and would climb my hair like a rope."

"He had to live at my house," your uncle explained. "Laurel said he gave her nightmares. But- he knew who his buddy was. He always did a little dance in his cage as soon as he heard her come up the steps."

"Rats, Ugly cats, anything else?" Jason asked, curious.

"A goat," you add, "and a couple geckos."

[sean-gaffney]

What's Left of the Looney Tunes?

So you’re a Looney Tunes fan, and you’re waiting with baited breath (Greetings, Bait!) for the cartoon list for the next Collector’s Choice Blu-Ray.  And as you wait to see if they add that 1953 Friz Freleng or 1958 Robert McKimson cartoon, you must be thinking:  Surely they’ve released every single cartoon at SOME point since the 1980s, right?  Well, except for the really racist ones.  Right?

Nah.  There’s 129 Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies that have never been officially released, restored or unrestored, on home video at all.  And, to be honest, most of them are unlikely to be on the Collector’s Choice sets.  Let’s take a look at the last bastions against having all 1000 LT/MM cartoons available.

Bosko.  Now, there are a few Bosko cartoons available.  There’s 38 Bosko cartoons from 1930-1933, not counting the weird ones like the Talk-ink Kid pilot or whatever Bosko and Honey was.  Of those, 11 have been released officially.  This leaves 27 in limbo.  This is a shame, there are some really good Bosko cartoons.

Buddy.  Even worse, to be honest.  23 Buddy cartoons were made, 5 have had some official release.  That leaves 18.  Now, there’s a reason for that.  They’re awful.  (Also, two of those 18, Buddy of the Apes and Buddy in Africa, also fall under one of the later categories we’ll get to.)

Seven B&W Merrie Melodies.  Two of these, Hittin’ the Trail for Hallelujah Land and Goin’ to Heaven on a Mule, are basically banned for content.  Those Were Wonderful Days, Why Do I Dream Those Dreams, The Girl at the Ironing Board, The Miller’s Daughter, and Rhythm in the Bow, are simply not available, possibly as they’re dull.  However, they have been restored.  (As has HtTfHL.)

Seven B&W Looney Tunes.  Mostly the same as above.  The Daffy Duckaroo and Tokio Jokio are banned for content, though we may see Duckaroo someday (Native American caricatures have traditionally been less banned than Black and Asian caricatures).  Saps in Chaps also has some Native American gags, I think.  As for The Fire Alarm, Joe Glow the Firefly, Gopher Goofy and Nutty News, they’ve been restored but never released.

The rest of the “Censored 11”, of which Hittin’ the Trail for Hallelujah Land was the first.  As most cartoon fans know, this is not a catch all of all racist WB cartoons, it’s just the ones that were owned by Associated Artists productions.  So yeah, Sunday Go to Meetin’ Time, Clean Pastures, Uncle Tom’s Bungalow, Jungle Jitters, The Isle of Pingo Pongo, All This and Rabbit Stew (a Bugs Bunny cartoon), Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs, Tin Pan Alley Cats, Angel Puss and Goldilocks and the Jivin’ Bears.  They’ve all been restored.

The dog cartoons.  There are a bunch of one-shots that have no regular characters but all involve dogs, and (likely as they don’t have a “star” and aren’t really great) they’ve never come out.  Pappy’s Puppy, Mixed Master, A Waggily Tale, Dog Tales.  All but Pappy’s Puppy are restored.

Miscellaneous “banned for content” cartoons.  Which is Witch (a Bugs Bunny cartoon), Tom Tom Tomcat (a Tweety and Sylvester cartoon), and two REALLY late cartoons, Hocus Pocus Pow Wow and Injun Trouble.  None of these have been restored.

Random missing 50s stuff.  A Bone for a Bone (Goofy Gophers), Sock a Doodle Doo (Foghorn Leghorn), Easy Peckin’s, Quack Shot (Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd), Trick or Tweet (Tweety).

60s stuff that’s still actually Warner Brothers.  There’s about 10 or 12 early 60s cartoons that just aren’t very good, and that’s why they’re not out.  They’ve all been restored except Unnatural History and What’s My Lion, which are two of the worst LT/MM shorts that ever came out – not for content, they’re simply pathetically unfunny.

All the post-64 stuff.  There’s a pile, I won’t break them down one by one.  Mostly Daffy/Speedy cartoons, the nadir of both characters.  A few of the Roadrunner cartoons that weren’t stuffed onto that one DVD a while back.  They’re here as no one wants to watch them.

The post-67 stuff, aka the nightmare years.  Cool Cat, Merlin the Magic Mouse, Bunny and Claude… those.  (Though actually, both Bunny and Claude shorts HAVE been released.)  They’re here for the same reason – unpopularity.

Note this doesn’t even get into the cartoons which were fine to release in the 1980s on VHS but *aren’t* fine to release now (all the Merrie Melodies that weren’t banned but have racial stereotypes, such as the Inki cartoons, a huge number of cowboy and Indian cartoons, and Bugs Bunny’s unfortunate wartime cartoon).  Or all the stuff that’s restored and out on Max, but has never hit a DVD or Blu-Ray (half of the 30s Merrie Melodies).  Or the stuff that’s unrestored, not on Max and has never hit a DVD or Blu-Ray (the other half of the 1930s Merrie Melodies).  Or Holiday for Drumsticks, what’s up with that?

In any case, when they announce the cartoons for the 4th set in a week or so, you can look at this list and see if it has any of those.

[catindabag]

Can you make oc’s based off your Au? :)

Well, sure! That’s not an issue. Besides, there’s already a lot of original characters running around and causing havoc/chaos in my crazy TBOSAS on Crack!AU.

I mean, we already have:

Peacekeeper Joe (AKA: Officer Jovilius who wants to quit his job because of the Mentors’ nonstop shenanigans)

The poor pizza delivery guy (AKA: Pizza Pertinax of the Pizza Palace)

Mad Uncle Achilles Ravinstill (He’s the youngest son of President Ravinstill who got arrested for smuggling illegal fireworks)

The “sacred” Bichon Frisé puppies (AKA: the real leaders of Panem)

Mama Monty and her deadly apple pies (She’s a real nightmare national treasure and an infamous “war hero” of Panem)

Mama Cardew (AKA: The Capitol’s scariest and deadliest entity to ever exist)

Mommy Anderson (She’s the one who blackmails people for a living)

Mommy Anderson’s underpaid camera crew (No comment)

Vice President Aurelia Ravinstill (She’s Felix Ravinstill’s mom who’s allergic to charity, poor people, and homeless Hilari)

Elmer Coin (the current Mole President of District 13)

Poor Aeneas Crane (The unfortunate older brother of Arachne Crane who sleeps in a tiny doghouse)

Little Plotinus Heavensbee (the favored and “perfect” younger brother of homeless Hilarius Heavensbee)

Creepy Mr. Heavensbee Sr. (No comment)

Freaky Mrs. Heavensbee (No comment)

Festus Creed’s mom (The current ✨Queen of Neglect✨)

Festus Creed’s dumpster (Darling Demeter the Dumpster)

Festus Creed’s freaky pet rats (Odysseus and Penelope)

Tigris Snow’s cheese fairies

Coryo Snow’s cabbage deities

Coryo Snow’s lima bean elves

Clemensia’s hamster (Hercules)

Gaius Breen’s possum (Patroclus)

Domitia’s emotional support cow (Lady Claudia)

Dean Casca Highbottom’s goldfish (Venus)

Hilarius Heavensbee’s crusty chihuahua (Caracalla)

Domitia’s father’s emotional support cow (Lord Claudius/the real Mayor of D10)

Dennis Fling’s doctor (Quack Dr. Majorian who works at the Capitol Black Market)

Great great grandfather Vipsanius Cornelius Felix Ravinstill (He’s the man who married off his 24 beautiful daughters and 16 sons to every single Capitol Noble House in order to make the ultimate/craziest/most complicated ✨Royal Family Tree✨)

Don’t worry. There will be more weird original characters popping here and there as the story continues. Lol.

[bigmack2go]

Newsies as things my family an i have saidpart two bc the other one got too long

Jack (too his newborn): naw look at you, you’re just an idiot! you can’t even do anything yet!

Baby (2 months old): *knocks something over*

Spot: you fucking idiot, why would you??

Albert (to baby): naw look at you you’re just so stupid!

Jack: can you stop calling my child stupid please?

Albert: no.

Albert: wait a minute you called him an idiot before too!

Jack: yes but he’s one year old now, he might understand you!

(In addition to that🔼 one:)

Elmer: well you called our cat fat

Jack: that’s because he actually is!

Elmer *deadpan*: well have you ever considered your son actually is stupid?

Race: listen kid

Jacks baby:

Race: it’s okay to be dumb.

Race: youre just one year old. You can’t help it.

Race: and even if you were older,

Race: that would be alright

Race: some people are just idiots

Race: and that’s okay!

Jacks baby:

Race: Alberts an idiot. And we still love him.

Race: IM an idiot

Race: and look how far i came

Race:…

Race: actually don’t look how far i came

Race: im a bad example

Jacks baby:

Race: look

Race: AHA York is an idiot

Race: and look how far he came

Race: youre gonna do wonderful

Jacks baby:🧍‍♂️

Albert: *screams back the same way the baby screams at him*

One year old: drops food

Mush: can you- EXCUSE YOU?!

Race and albert: *playing store with jacks kid*

Race: sir i‘m not sure you’re gonna pass probationary period like this. You need to stop eating the microphone.

Albert: the little Racer Higgins would like his parents to get him from the play isle

Albert: woah, i‘m a payin‘ customer np need tl scream at me

Race: Mr Kelly what did we say about takin products from customers

Albert: *whispering coworkers gossip to the kid as Racer comes in* OH HI BOSS we were just uh—

Albert: Sir, you need to pay for that! SIR! STOP THE THIEF!

One year old: babbling jsusiwhwvdkvkvbbsjsublemblemblemblemblem

Ike: same dude

Ike: i totally agree

Ike: wait really?!

Ike: *gasp* and what did you say to her???

Ike: some people just need to shut up!

Ike: no you did the right thing!

Jack: y‘know if it weren’t for the circumstances, Adolf would be a pretty neat name

Davey: WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR KID ADOLF

Race(fighting his nephews teacher): You can’t teach them that, they’ll think they’re stupid!

Race: I tried those. And I didn’t get them. How are they supposed to get it right?

Races Nephew(a first grader): uncle race I didn’t even try those yet-

Albert: why is he allowed to suck titties and i aint?

Albert: *points at baby*

(Race: because you’re gay and the kid‘s two

(Albert: how would you know that the kid is too??))

Albert: *whispers to four year old* just you wait you little— OH HI DAVEY

Albert: so when he’s missing the obvious, it’s cute but when i am it makes me an idiot?

Davey: al—

Albert: NO!

Albert: we need to normalise adults being idiots

Albert:

Davey:

Albert: actually scratch that

Albert: we need to accept that babys are idiots.

Spot: SMART „FOR HIS AGE“ And „SMART“ ARE NOT THE SAME THING

(Albert: THANK YOU)

Mush: Jack, your two year old daughter can tie better loops than your five year old son

Mush: i think she might be gifted…

Jack *LOUD*: HA

Mush: huh?

Jack: sorry im just relieved. I thought you were gonna say that he’s not

Davey to his crying 5 months old baby: ugh you’re SO melodramatic

Baby: crying

Davey: did he just fall on his face?

Davey: *sees that jack is holding the kid*

Davey: JACK WHAT DID YOU DO

Jack: HOW IS IT MY FAULT THE IDIOT IS TOO DUMB TO WALK???

[stitched-mouth]

List of Every Brandon Rogers Characters Ever

I don’t know why I did this. It took 4 hours. I haven’t seen ever Brandon Rogers video (shocking, I know) so some are missing. I purposely didn’t add any parody characters (the Kardashians, Annabell, M3GAN etc), but if you notice any BRCU characters missing, please comment so I can add them.

And obviously the characters not credited are played by Brandon Rogers.

David July is credited as David Burton on this list. I’m not sure when they changed their name, as they are credited as both on Brandon’s videos.

I can’t remember who Debbie and Doyle are but I must of put them on this list for a reason

Main Characters

Sam

Bryce Tankthrust

Bobby Worst

Blame/Sebastian/ Grandpa

Elmer

Cathy

Karen

Helen Brownstein

Stuff & Sam

Donna Phitts (Paulette Jones)

Damien (Onision)

Ms Cunney (Monique Parent)

Blame the Hero

Young Donna Phitts (Alariza Nevarez)

Duke Tuggler (Anthony Padilla)

Coach Best (Jack Plotnick)

Skinny Bitch (Kornbread Jeté)

Dill Flippo (Jonathan Hinman)

Family Doctor Office

Dr Gupta

Nurse Kavi (Nandini Minocha)

Lipschtiz the Clown (Paulette Jones)

Surgeon Miller (Jude B. Lanston)

Nurse Hole (Georgina Leahy)

Patient (Adam Neylan)

Another Patient (Jonathan Hinman)

Daniel (Jess Weaver)

Daniel’s Mother (Christine Sydelko)

Mad tea party

Mad Hatter

Cheshire Cat (Bazil)

White Rabbit (Benjamin Alexander Hall)

The Jabberwocky (Natalie Hawkins)

Flower (Jordan)

No one was credited in this video and most were personal friends of Brandon’s and not content creators so are nearly impossible to find. I had to stalk Brandon’s Insta to find these people.

BTW, Bazil (who plays Cheshire Cat) is a trans man who goes by he/him. Just letting people know because people are misgendering him and I assume it’s because they don’t know his pronouns.

Theatre Class

Alex Rimmer

Mason Lucas (Salim Razawi)

Oliver Hamilton (Stephen Weighill)

Linda Starford (Janet McCarroll)

Karen Shou (Karen Fokes)

Jamie (Adam Neylan)

Marlena Lewton (Rachael Ferris)

Dean Shaft (Tony Rogers)

Trump’s Emotions

Joy

Anger (Stephen James)

Disgust, Fear and Sadness were not credited in this skit and I can’t guess with all the makeup or find them.

Fashion

Jurgen Klausvonschwitz

Damien Ditsin (Logan Bubar)

Gretchen (Paulette Jones)

Sookilah (Judyth Brooke)

Dolorio (Devyne Carr)

Cheap Skate

Luxy

Lost Boy (Adam Neylan)

Chick Flick (the first Brandon Roger’s Video I ever watched)

Ashley

Ashley’s Best Friend (Vincent Marcus)

Ashley’s Crush / Cop (Jon Cozart)

Ashley’s Mom (Christine Sykdelko)

Teacher (Jude B. Lanston)

Doctor (Jonathan Hinman)

The Real Patient/ Dick’s Owner (Skye Williams)

The Real Patient’s Wife (Adam Neylan)

5 Year Old (Paulette Jones)

Since this video is now restricted on YouTube, I did this one from memory. I can’t believe I remember all these characters and actors. Thank God I rewatched it like a billion times when I first found it.

Mad funhouse

Mr Marbles/ Arlo

Dave (Jess Weaver)

Cliff (TJ Smith)

Sacha (Elise Christian)

Jimmy (Alex Diehl)

Manjusha (Nandini Minocha)

Mr Chronis (Jude Lanston)

Nuclear family

Barbara

Frank

Daniel/ Echo Noir

Unnamed Daughter

Devontay (?) (Devyne Carr)

The Office

Dorian Ditsin

James Shaft (Stephen Rezza)

Vishalam Rangan (Natalie Hawkins)

Jimmy Rustler (Benjamin Hall)

Craig Dildon (Stephen James)

Ernie (Seth Munson)

Diesel (David Burton)

Kevin (Davis Benz)

Regina (Georgina Leahy)

British Family/ The Mingeworthys

Lord Mingeworthy

Lady Mingeworthy (Georgina Leahy)

Cockwaddle (David Burton)

James (Davis Benz)

Blood & Makeup

Blah Blah the Clown

Whoopsie Wendy (Elise Christian)

Dumb Bitch Linda (Kornbread Jeté)

Blonde Bitch (David Burton)

Percy the Pervert (Adam Neylan)

Christmas Family/ The Hendersons

Patty Henderson

Paul Henderson (Stephen James)

Shelby Henderson (Caleb Shorey)

Unnamed Daughter (Elise Christian)

Spike (Logan Bubar)

The Devil (Paulette Jones)

Uncle Frank (Gabriel Gonzalez)

Notice how often Brandon forgets to name the daughter in his skits 👀?

Silly Cat

Clifton

Lenny/ Daddy (Jon Cozart)

Dr Williams (Sky Williams)

Wild West

Lucius Cowpussy

Vivian Delonprix (Georgina Leahy)

Map Maker Milton (Logan Bubar)

Lesbians

Darlene

Kathleen (Adam Neylan)

Power (David Burton)

Rock (Georgina Leahy)

Damien (?) (Logan Bubar)

Cheaters

Trina

Delilah

Gustavo

Unnamed Husband

Sleep Paralysis Demons

Felix

Iris (Paulette Jones)

Chad (Gary Nohealii Neil)

The Laundromat

Clyde Can

Bart (Joel Haver)

Debra (Mitsy Sanderson)

Barbara Ditliminor (?) (Adam Neylan)

The North Pole (included this group for fun)

Santa Clause

Mrs Clause (Christine Sydelko)

Gingerbread Man (Jude B. Lanston)

Female Elf (Georgina Leahy)

Male Elf (David Burton)

Head Elf (Kornbread Jeté)

Jesus (Jess Weaver)

Rudolph (Paulette Jones)

Tiny Tim (Jack Plotnick)

Characters I Didn’t Know Where To Put

Suck (Dominiq Badiyo)

Swallow (David Burton)

Beatrice Brownstein (Paulette Jones)

Judey Patoody (Jude B. Lanson)

Gloria Goopty (Kornbread Jeté)

Courtney (Liam Krug)

Ryder (Kassius Marcil-Green)

Barbara Worst (Katie Johnson)

American boyfriend (Ben Furney)

Ignaolo (Gabriel Gonzalez)

Debbie (Trevor Wallace)

Doyle (Trevor Wallace)

Carol Cox

Japanese Girlfriend

Deeno

Flint Dicker

Delmar Lysol

Humanoid Simulation XL-57692/ Simian

Double Licker Leroy

Paisley

Hole Bros

Rafał Sanchez Dimelo

Noah

Bryce is my favourite

[wwwwaaaaazzzzzaaaapppp]

Okay updated version of my last post for muppet newsies:

Jack Kelly: Jeremy Jordan

Katherine: Kara Lindsay

Davey: Kermit The Frog

Les: Robin

Medda: Miss Piggy

Pulitzer: Statler and Waldorf

Spot Conlon: Rizzo

Snyder: Uncle Deadly

Racetrack: Gonzo

Albert: Pepe

Crutchie: Bean Bunny

Bowery Beauties: Chickens

Brooklyn Newsies: Rats

Bunson:Bunson

Seitz: Beaker

Hannah: Janice

Jacoby: Swedish Chef

Roosevelt: Bobo the Bear

The mayor: Captain Link Hogthrob

Romeo: Animal

Specs: Scooter

Henry: Fozzie

Elmer: Lew Zealand

Finch: Floyd

Wiesel: Oscar the Grouch

Oscar Delancey: Crazy Harry

Morris Delancey:Sweetums

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

It's been a Day already and it's all of noon, so have an excerpt, because I want validation and maybe some of you need a distraction, lol.

Really, Valancy owed it all to Will Desmond. Had he lived, Olive would have married him at 19, clad in satin and lace in a church festooned with white roses. Valancy would have watched from the pews, wearing her drab brown silk, seated between her mother and Cousin Stickles, secretly seething at the whole affair.  There would have been no cause for Olive to go to Montreal or for Augusta Green to share her unfiltered opinions at an inopportune moment, and Valancy would have been stuck at home, clad in brown silk, between her mother and Cousin Stickles for the rest of her life.

But instead of marrying Olive in a beautiful ceremony, Will Desmond died young and left Olive behind. Olive cried crocodile tears for a year in public and real ones in the secrecy of her bedroom and kept her engagement ring on a chain around her neck where no one could see it. After eighteen months, she began casting a speculative eye over the eligible men of Deerwood. What she saw did not fill her with hope. Donald Jackson's roguish demeanor suited her tastes, but her parents disapproved violently. Elmer Price's fortune appeased her parents' worries, but he was nearing 35 and Olive felt strongly that she could do better. With no one both handsome enough for her and well connected enough for her mother available in Deerwood, and with only two months of mourning left, Olive hatched a plan.

She explained the whole thing to Valancy one rainy Saturday afternoon. Valancy had gone to Aunt and Uncle Wellington's for tea, to comfort Olive in her grief, and the two girls retreated hastily to Olive's bedroom until called down to eat.

"There's no hope for me here," Olive declared. "You know all the men in this town, just as well as I do. All the good ones are already taken, and the rest are worse than useless. I mean really, Doss, it's hopeless."

Valancy, whose romantic prospects had peaked when she refused to be kissed at fifteen, agreed that it was indeed hopeless.

"I could try Port Lawrence, but Augusta's looking there this summer and, just between us, there really aren't enough decent men for both of us to be looking at the same time."

Augusta Green was Olive's best friend. She was tall and opinionated, the kind of girl adults would have politely called "handsome," if her father were not the owner of the largest newspaper in Port Lawrence. This combination of future fortune and social supremacy did as much to improve Augusta's prospects as it did to sour her character, and she had long ago claimed the men of Port Lawrence as hers to comb through first. Valancy detested her intensely.

Olive was waiting expectantly, and Valancy realized she wanted prompting. "What will you do?" she asked obediently.

Olive dimpled charmingly. Valancy, long accustomed to her cousin's tricks, remained un charmed. "Just watch," Olive said. She turned towards her wardrobe, where an array of black, grey, and mauve dresses greeted her. "Tell me, do you prefer the purple or the grey?" She indicated two of the dresses for Valancy's consideration.

Valancy knew which of the two Olive preferred -- the dove grey silk was new, commissioned just this month to herald Olive's imminent return to society, while the lavender lawn was now two years old and had been dyed its current color last summer so that Olive could continue to wear it to family gatherings during her bereavement.

"The purple is nice," she said dutifully, so that Olive could enjoy the thrill of correcting her. In truth, the lavender brought out the pallor in Olive's skin, and made her look rather like a corpse unless she arranged herself in the sunlight just so.

"Oh, do you think so?" Olive asked, pretending to consider it. "I think the grey suits me much better."

Valancy allowed that the grey silk suited Olive well.

"But, of course, it hasn't yet been two years," Olive said. "I really cannot be seen in public in anything but blacks for at least another month. Can you imagine the scandal?"

Valancy could.

"Still, one can't live in the past forever. Poor Will wouldn't want me to wither away on his account. You know, when he was on his deathbed he told me not to mourn him at all? 'I want you to find your happiness,' he told me. Isn't that just the most considerate thing you've heard in your life?"

Valancy, who had listened to this anecdote monthly for the past sixteen months, agreed that it was.

"I think I shall bring the grey," Olive said decisively. "Thank you dear, you're always such a help when I can't make up my mind."

This statement required no reply, and so Valancy stayed silent.

***

Over the meal, Olive skillfully laid the groundwork for her plan. She spoke of the upcoming summer, and of how difficult she would find it, when she could go out again. After all, every inch of town reminded her of her poor dear Will. She bore the burden bravely, for Will had charged with his dying breath that she should not mourn him forever, but sometimes a peal of laughter would hit just as she was gazing upon his favorite corner and she felt ready to follow him into the grave all over again.

"I only wish," she declared wistfully, "that I could have a fresh start of it." And she lowered her eyes to her plate, blinking her long eyelashes as though staving off tears.

The effect was nearly perfect, except that Valancy caught her stealing a glance up at her parents, checking how her performance had been received.

She needn't have worried. Aunt and Uncle Wellington picked up the thread immediately. Aunt Wellington berated the gossips of Deerwood for not giving Olive so much as a single moment of peace during her mourning, Uncle Wellington opined that a change of scenery could cure all ills, and by the end of the meal they had nearly talked themselves into uprooting the entire household and moving to Port Lawrence. Olive was obliged to hastily talk them down from the ledge and suggest a less drastic measure. A summer away, perhaps.

"Don't you have a cousin in Montreal, Mother?" she asked, as though she had not spent the past two weeks meticulously combing through the family bible to find the most useful of her relatives for her scheme. "I was just thinking the other day that aside from Grandmother, I don't know your family at all. It's such a pity, to not live close to ones relations."

In that moment, Aunt Wellington quite forgot that she had spent most of her life cordially despising her relations, and she agreed wholeheartedly with Olive's words. "I shall write to Justine at once," she declared and Olive smiled smugly into her scone.

***

Bernie hadn't wanted to go.

Mrs. Baker was giving a party for her daughter's birthday, and all the right sort of Montreal had been invited. Bernie's invitation had arrived two weeks ago, hand delivered by a footman in livery who could barely hold back a snicker at Dr. Redfern's gold and marble entrance hall. Bernie had been out, roaming the trails of Boucherville's islands as he was increasingly prone to doing. It was the only place he really felt at peace these days, amidst the sugar maples and the birch trees, the dappled sunlight creating shadows between the roots that, if Bernie didn't think too hard, almost let him think he was lost in the woods somewhere, miles from any other people. He'd spent an especially long time on the island that day, watching a pair of kingfishers hunt, and his good mood had not entirely dissipated by the time he made it back home.

The gilded envelope waiting for him at the supper table fully ruined it.

"Will you go?" Dad asked, trying and failing to keep his eagerness from seeping into his voice. Poor Dad, Bernie thought, as he forced himself to set the ridiculous card down gently instead of hurling it into the fire. He really hasn't got any idea what it's like, being 22 and a laughing stock.

"No," Bernie said.

Dr. Redfern's face fell. "Really?" he asked. "But everyone's going to be there. All your friends -- all their sisters." This last was said with a wink that Bernie opted to ignore.

"I don't like parties," he said instead.

"No, I suppose you don't," Dad said, and he shook his head, mystified. "I don't know where you get it from, my boy. Not from me, eh? That's for sure."

Bernie didn't reply, and Dad sighed. "Well, you'll do as you want," he said. "You always do. Just do your old dad a favor and find something to make yourself happy once in a while. I don't think I've seen you smile once since you got home from school."

In response, Bernie pulled a horrible face and sent his father into gales of laughter. "Ah, that's my Bernie," Dr. Redfern gasped when he could breathe again. "Don't change a thing you don't want to, son, no matter how much I nag at you. You know I don't mean it."

"I know," Bernie said. "How was your day?"

Dr. Redfern launched into a characterful accounting of his day, leaving Bernie free to think peacefully. He had long ago mastered the art of nodding his way absently through his father's monologues, and he did so on automatic now, firmly not looking at the invitation sitting on the table next to him.

Maybe Dad was right. He'd been home for a couple months now, and much as he loved roaming the islands on his own, maybe it wasn't the way to live. Maybe… maybe it would be different this time. Ten years ago, Dr. Redfern had been a new arrival, a novelty for schoolchildren to mock. But maybe they'd gotten bored by now, or realized that Dr. Redfern was around to stay and not just some passing charlatan. And Mrs. Baker's party wouldn't be filled with people blinded by the thought of money. All her friends were old money, the ruling set of Montreal, the one his dad dreamed of one day gaining admission to. They wouldn't try to impress him just to get at Dr. Redfern's inheritance.

Maybe he would go. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

"What's that?" He realized a beat too late that Dad had fallen silent, clearly expecting an answer to a question Bernie hadn't heard.

"I asked what you've been up to since getting back," Dr. Redfern repeated amiably. He was never offended when Bernie lost track of a conversation.

"I went out to the Isles de Boucherville," Bernie said, surprising both of them by not deflecting the question. "I saw some kingfishers today."

"Really?" Dad asked. "You'll have to bring me out with you one of these days. I could use a change of air from the old laboratory."

Bernie thought about trying to get his father to stay still and silent long enough to coax the wildlife out and just barely managed to suppress the resulting wince. "Sure," he said, in that way that they both knew meant 'no.' "One of these days."

***

So Bernie sent his RSVP to the Baker house with Henry the next morning, and now here he was, dressed up in an expensive suit, hair combed and oiled until he gleamed in the lamplight, feeling utterly out of place and ridiculous. Why had he let Dad talk him into doing this? He knew he didn't like parties, and he certainly didn't like parties filled with Mrs. Baker's set. Magnolia Baker, the guest of honor, had barely kept from smirking as she greeted him at the door and thanked him for coming, and he knew from that moment that he'd been wrong. Redfern hadn't become a more respectable name, not any more than when Bernie was eleven years old.

But he was here, and he couldn't leave for at least an hour without causing offense. Bernie didn't much care about that, but it would upset Dad, and old Dr. Redfern didn't deserve that. So Bernie stayed, holding a glass as an excuse to refuse invitations to dance, planning his escape.

Just as he'd identified the most unobtrusive path to the door, the most beautiful woman in the world walked in.

She had rich, golden-brown hair, curled and dressed elaborately. A wave dipped down over her forehead, drawing attention to large, sparkling blue eyes framed with elegant lashes. She wore a silvery grey gown with three quarter sleeves; a sash of shining silk emphasized her figure, and the high collar was made of cobweb lace, letting glimpses of her neck and shoulders through as she moved. She greeted Magnolia Baker with a brilliant smile, and handed her coat off to a footman with graceful insouciance.

All thoughts of escaping the party had vanished. Bernie watched as Magnolia Baker put a hand on the woman's arm, murmuring something to her. The woman cast an eye around the party, and he saw an unmistakable spark of intelligence in her gaze, covered up immediately by a laugh as a man came to join them. Bernie hated him. He hated all of them. They were all dullards and bores, sons of fortune who'd never worked a day in their lives and couldn't hold an intelligent conversation if you put a gun to their temple.

He must find a way to speak with her.

He set his half full glass down on the nearest surface. Magnolia Baker was talking with the woman again, and he knew he did not have much time. If he could just reach them before Magnolia told her who he was, he might have half a chance.

Magnolia spotted him approaching. With a smile that looked only a little painted on, she waved him over. "Bernie!" she said brightly, for all the world as though they were the best of friends. "I was just about to come find you. You must meet Olive." She gestured at the apparition beside her, who bestowed a dazzling smile upon Bernie. His heart beat so fast in his chest he thought it must be visible through his jacket. "Olive, this is Mr. Bernard Redfern. He's been away at school, and only just come home again. Bernie, may I present my friend, Miss Olive Stirling." Magnolia lowered her voice, as though sharing a confidence. "Olive has only just returned to society, after her fiancé passed on two years ago."

"I am sorry for your loss, Miss Stirling," Bernie heard himself say. "But it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Miss Stirling offered him a pale, elegant hand. When he took it, her grip was cool and soft. She gave him another smile, this one somehow softer but just as dazzling, as though she were smiling specifically at him. "The pleasure is mine, Mr. Redfern," she said.

"May I have this dance?" Bernie asked.

"It would be an honor," Miss Stirling said. She had yet to release Bernie's hand. He led her onto the dance floor, where the couples shifted minutely to make room. He was distantly conscious of the jealous looks being thrown his way by every other man in the room, but he had eyes only for Miss Stirling. They took their place on the floor for the next dance, and everything else melted away. The Baker house could have burned down around them, and Bernie wouldn't have been able to tear his attention away from Miss Stirling. It was the happiest he had been in his entire life. If he dropped dead at the end of the dance, it would be with a smile.

[positivelybeastly]

💬 Simon, and the subject is pillow talk

"All right, Wondy, so it's like this."

They're stuck on monitor duty again. Well, 'stuck' is a strong word - Hank actually really likes monitor duty, but only if it's with Simon (mysteriously), and Simon seems to like it just because it means he doesn't have to go out, risking life and limb.

He's only recently back from the dead, after all. Hank can understand.

They're about halfway through the jumbo pack of Chinese food they've ordered, and Hank, in particular, insists on delivering his words through mouthfuls of a really rather nice beef chow mein. Go figure.

"Say you've got a girl with you. In your case, it's almost certainly a girl you've managed to charm with my assistance, so you're welcome, well in advance. Say she's really got a thing for the Uncle Elmer Sh - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Hank giggles like a fool as Simon makes to hit him with a scallion pancake.

"Say she's got a thing for . . . okay guys with lantern jaws and B tier movie star looks - that's you, Wondy, by the way. You get to holding hands, you read the signals, you put your hands where she wants you to - I find they usually really like it when you bring your hand up like this and squeeze."

It's very heterosexual, the way Hank brings a hand up to grasp at Simon's side and squeeze, thumb stroking over the muscle. Hoo, there's a lot of muscle.

"You lean in, and - oh yeah, this is probably the point where I have to clarify, she's probably gotta be all right with the eyes, or you're gonna have to do your focus thing to make that go away, 'cause chicks do not dig it when you have shades on when you're intimate. So, you make eye contact, like this."

Hank casually whips off Simon's sunglasses. The eyes don't bother him one bit. Why would they? It's never bothered Simon that Hank's blue, has it? He's never even said a word about it.

There's a crackle in the air that has absolutely nothing to do with the ions that make up Simon's form.

"You lean in, and you give them this look."

It's a very soft, warm, loving look that Hank gives Simon now. Tender. He's such a good actor, he makes it look really quite real, down to that little melancholy tinge of pining and wanting but never quite having.

"They go nuts for that. Then you have to start talking, because that's another thing, chicks do NOT dig it when you're just silent in bed, it creeps them out and they don't like it. Tell a joke, choke out a, 'huhhhh you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen,' even just a quiet little, 'god,' you know, in that way where you bite your lip and it's like you're a little stunned they're there with you? Like this."

Hank lets out a shuddering, heated little breath, his tongue darting out to very gently card over his lips, and he exhales shakily, squeezing at Simon's side again, letting out an awed little 'god.'

"The squeeze is good if you can do it in concert, that's real good. Action to the words, Wondy, action to the words. Where you go from here is kinda up to you, everyone does their own sort of thing. I like to go a little poetic, especially if the girl's particularly knock out gorgeous."

He leans in close, his nose practically buried in Simon's collarbone. They both stink of Chinese takeout. This is a weird way to do monitor duty. But Hank's voice, which is usually so mile a minute, is all kinds of soft and slow and sumptuous and warm in a way Simon never hears it. It's - kind of - distracting, honestly.

"Busy old fool, unruly sun, why dost thou thus, through windows, and through curtains call on us? Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run?Thy beams, so reverend and strong, why shouldst thou think? I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink, but that I would not lose her sight so long."

Hank hasn't blinked. Not once. Simon has. Plenty.

"If her eyes have not blinded thine, look, and tomorrow late, tell me, whether both th' Indias of spice and mine be where thou leftst them, or lie here with me. Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday, and thou shalt hear, all here in one bed lay."

This is - really detailed. Simon thinks he's learning a lot. Hank's even showing him how to reach up and gently tuck a stray hair behind his ear, just like you would for your girl. Of course. Good friend, Hank. The best.

"He's all states, and all princes, I. Nothing. Else. Is."

There's a silence between them. Hank's . . . all but draped across Simon, now, their chests pressed against one another, blue fingers cupping a Hollywood cheekbone while blazing red eyes trace the contours of a jawline that every woman this side of the Hudson loves to bits.

Hank clears his throat.

"She's, all states. Sorry. Flubbed the line."

They withdraw.

"So yeah, that's basically how you do it. Pass me the szechuan dumplings, would you, Wondy?"

Simon does, even as he thinks.

Hank never flubs a line.

"I mean, that's how I'd do it, anyway."

[lboogie1906]

Ada Beatrice Queen Victoria Louise Virginia Smith (“Bricktop”) (August 14, 1894 - January 31, 1984) vaudevillian actress, singer, nightclub owner, and international celebrity host, was born in Alderson, West Virginia to Thomas and Hattie Thompson Smith. She began performing at the age of five, playing Harry in Uncle Tom’s Cabin at Haymarket Theater in Chicago. She earned a permanent chorus role at the Pekin Theatre. A truancy officer tracked her down and she was forced to quit performing and return to school.

She began touring with the Theater Owners’ Booking Association and Pantages Vaudeville circuits. She appeared alongside vaudevillian entertainers. She earned the nickname “Bricktop”. She performed in a wide variety of locations including Chicago, San Francisco, Vancouver, and New York. Baron’s Exclusive Club in Harlem became one of her regular venues, she convinced the owner to hire Elmer Snowden’s Washingtonian’s band, which included an undiscovered Duke Ellington.

She performed in Paris at the Le Grand Duc nightclub. She began hosting and entertaining at charity events and parties for celebrities, where she befriended influential artists such as the authors F. Scott Fitzgerald and John Steinbeck, and the composer and musician Cole Porter. Porter wrote a song for her titled, “Miss Otis Regrets She’s Unable to Lunch Today.” She became involved with the Paris nightclub scene, regularly performing at The Music Box and Le Grand Duc.

She opened her nightclub called Chez Bricktop’s. The club regularly featured high-profile guests and performers. Known for smoking her signature cigars, became known in Paris as the “doyenne of café society.”

She married New Orleans musician Peter Conge (1929) she moved her nightclub to 66 Rue Pigalle. She separated from her husband, but they never divorced. She made radio broadcasts for the French government. She attempted unsuccessfully to recreate her nightclub enterprise in New York.

She opened and closed nightclubs in Mexico City, Paris, and Rome but none were as successful as her original Paris nightclub. She recorded her first and only song, “So Long Baby” with jazz artist Cy Coleman. #africanhistory365 #africanexcellence

[brw]

A question to help distract you from your dental anxieties - do you think Simon is actually a good actor? He seems to struggle with getting consistent work and he's mentioned some rough reviews, albeit mostly in the earlier parts of his career.

My first answer tragically deleted so we're going to try again.

The general consensus amongst writers seems to be that Simon isn't a great actor. As you say, he often struggles with finding consistent projects, and a lot of the projects he is involved with seem to end up as cult classics more than financially successful projects, like that Uncle Elmer show. In more recent times, Simon seems generally more successful, but he still isn't thought of as a good actor but rather a c-tier action star, something he resents.

It seems that he's often let down by his agent, who makes all sorts of backhanded deals for the greatest profit. However, he has been depicted with some amount of talent, like when he surprised some directors with his performance of Macbeth.

His general, uh, physical disposition has also meant he's been in a fair amount of commercials.

Anyway, my personal headcanon for these inconsistencies is that Simon performs like the actors from the 40s and 50s, because that's what he grew up watching and modelling himself after. He ends up with a very strange delivery and tone because of this, which is at odds with the acting sensibilites of the 80s, 90s and so forth. He still isn't a spectacular actor and is very somewhat easily talked into starring in nonsense, but when he does find something he's genuinely passionate about that speaks to him he does a better job, but the nature of the space he occupies in Hollywood means those opportunities are fleeting.