#Tumblr tells stories

[marlynnofmany]

This reminds me of my favorite "at least your bad day at work wasn't THIS" anecdote.

(It's been circulating through email since the 90's. Unconfirmed on Snopes. Memorable either way.)

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love, Brian

[chanafehs]

Sweet dreams and elven lullabies

[divinechieko222]

to tell a story in the form of flowers, what would i say?

[javsarts]

Good End~

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Totally unrelated-ish but fic below cut if u want lol :D

https://archiveofourown.org/works/55994872/chapters/142207756

[marlynnofmany]

These are all excellent, and make good reading for any occasion. There's even a new tag for the occasion: Christmas Eve Family Lore Reblog Massacre.

In honor of it being one of the more emotionally fraught holidays and we could all use a laugh, I'm going to Re-blog a "Greatest Hits" Selection of the Family Lore Stories, in approximately the order I find them on the blog, so that you may read them aloud instead of listening to your family discuss politics or whatever.

Happy Almost-Christmas-Means-It-Wasn't-Christmas Everybody!

[vor-leser]

"AM provided punk and we burned it, sitting huddled around the wan and pathetic fire, telling stories to keep Benny from crying in his permanent night."

[aromiekimart]

I also designed the Apathy Grimm for RWBY. Very fun to do, especially in exploring their different variations. I was inspired partially by the fantastic "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" art so I made this sketch attempting its style

[de4thpunch]

[marlynnofmany]

It sure gives new meaning to “an offer you can’t refuse.”

Hi Mr. Gaiman!

I just saw the post about the worst bookshop ever, and thought you'd like a story about a bookshop that never opened!

So I used to live in a small coal town that had a wave pool and a book store on the same street. Both facilities ended up being weird as hell for wildly different reasons, probably due to the fact that you shouldn't keep books too close to water. I wont get into the wave pool drama, but I will tell you about the only time the bookstore was ever open.

A friend and I had walked to the convenience store for a snack, and on the way back she noticed a light on in the store so we excitedly scampered over to find a work crew milling around the front doors. Apparently the shop had a new owner, which was exciting, but it was going to be a tackle shop so all books Had to Go.

They invited us to take a look around and make off with as many books as we could carry, which we found out gleefully, was a lot. The shop itself was ...odd. Books of all stripes and colors stacked with no regard for organization, double and triple shelved in ancient sagging bookcases, dust so thick that we left footprints and fingerprints in our wake. Cobwebs swagged the ceiling and made delicate arches between stacks of books that were so tall the touched the ceiling. We looked around, and then looked at each other.

"This is a fairy ring," we decided. Definitely time to go and not piss off the ghosts and spiders that had been there for 20 years. The work crew could deal with that. So we gingerly snatched books from piles and shelves, thanked the guys, and scampered home with our loot.

The next day the bookshop was closed again, the men were gone, and it never reopened in the time that I lived there. I still have a couple books left from the loot pile, so I have proof that the memories are in fact truth, and not fiction.

Later I learned that the store was a mob front, which is still less exciting (and dangerous) than a fairy ring.

And then again, mob fronts and fairy rings are not entirely exclusive.

[violecov]

((Finwe and Feanor (and baby Nolo) go on a long walk)).

This took me way longer than expected :00 . Anyway, here is a slightly ~Winter~ themed story.

Hope you guys like it!!

[egophiliac]

CROWLEY SSR THOUGHTS

there is zero basis for this, but I can't get this thought of my head

I don't know why I decided to draw it this way

[looney-mooney-studio]

Thinking about that one joke in the Book of Bill that implied Bill might be the biological father of the Flynn kids. Thinking about how Linda Flynn had a secret career as a famous astrophysicist at one point. Thinking about how we don’t know exactly what Bill was doing in the 90s, and how he seems to want to skim over that part of his life, after Ford broke up with him for good but before the twins showed up in Gravity Falls.

Thinking about how Bill frequently hung out with famous musicians. Thinking about Linda, a brilliant young woman fresh off a bizarre pop star career, wanting to make a name for herself that ISN’T Lindana, might have found a new direction with an old friend (before he showed her his true colors.)

Thinking about Bill, fresh off a devastating breakup, trying again one more time to get SOMEONE on Earth to make him a portal. Trying to make the plan WORK. Trying to get a home for his friends in the face of a home dimension that was being destroyed (again). Having someone who’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the man he was obsessed with, but who was no less brilliant and no less capable. (But, unfortunately for him, MUCH less gullible.)

Thinking about how Linda doesn’t want people to know about her former career as a famous astrophysicist. How she keeps this secret, even better than she did her past as Lindana. How she keeps the lid on this even TIGHTER. How she’s almost bitter about it. As if something HAPPENED.

I’m not saying Bill Cipher WAS Linda’s partner of at least five years, even going so far as to start a family with her before she saw his true colors and filed some sort of Uber-effective inter-dimensional restraining order against him, one-upping him so hard that he doesn’t even wanna think about it, but. Holy shit. Imagine

[jetleparti]

I made some poems about America; this one, recorded, is called Ramble.

[alexandria-alexis]

“It was a long story” Max says, grinning as he gets ready to maxplain the entire lore of the inchident to us.

[dunderbread]

this has probably been done before but idc im curious

(using "people who chose their own name" instead of mentioning trans people specifically because not all trans people change their name and not everyone who changes their name identifies as trans)

(if you have multiple names, pick an option based on whichever one you like)

[vilochkaaa]

lonely observer.