#To heal

[sapphosdickandballs]

Me rn

[sgdlr-asdfghjkl]

Goodnight to shiguang nation and wyh bringing srb's hand to his heart only 😇🧡💙

[mallowstep]

i hope you’re doing okay. 💙 it’s ok if you don’t answer this, i just wanted you to know folks are still thinking about you and wanting good things for you.

thank you babe (and thank you to everyone else who sent a message to this effect; i will answer them when i can)

i'm doing pretty well right now. i've been very busy at work, working on a top secret classified project (god only knows when you'll get more details than what i've already shared ;3), and also just. recovering from depression. there is so much of my life that even months out from the worst of it, i'm still trying to pull the pieces back together.

i have been writing a little. it's been difficult, mostly because of numerous incidents regarding writing and mental health (if you've been here for a while, you probably know about them; if you're new, the tldr is "mallowstep went off the wall for a bit and he's fine but it left him feeling bad"), and now i face down the summer which is...rough, mentally.

i don't know what normal looks like for me right now. i want to write but i don't know how it will fit into my life. i'm still making space for myself, in all the chaos and reconstruction. i know writing will be a part of normal for me. i just don't know where it fits yet.

it's been a while since i've felt like myself. the hollow feeling is abating. i am finding words to describe emotion again, that are more than just there or missing. i have been thinking about the stories i have yet to work on. what i want to tell next.

it has been an incredible two years for me. when i started this blog, i had just been broken up with by my boyfriend of three years, only a month or so after my childhood cat and dog had died one day apart. i was coping with so much impossible grief: i wrote the second chapter of i'll come back to you someday soon myself after my grandmother died, and i did not write anything after that for quite a while.

my wrists are healing. they hurt a little today and i'm not sure why, but they are healing.

i'll be going back to university as a natural resources major. i want a job that lets me protect and cultivate the forests i find so much comfort in. the complex webs of their ecosystems bring me so much delight. did you know trees talk to their daughters? did you know they care for their children? protect them?

it has been an incredible two years. i met my now-partner, learned how to actually trust people, and failed out of a year of college due to collapsing mental health. i went through approximately one million assessments to get a diagnosis and understand what was happening to me. i had a doctor tell me i was being undermedicated to an astounding degree. i had to let go of my beloved plants because i couldn't keep myself alive, much less then. i found a job i love so much i am eager to go to work every morning.

i honestly don't think i would've recognized who i am now, back when i started out here. i have become someone who trusts. who has connections with people. who does not fear so much. (i have also become someone who cries as i drive home from work sometimes. i have also become someone who needs to sit on the floor and count all the pieces of art i can see. we move in spirals, not straight lines.)

all of this is to say, i have been quiet on here for quite a while because i have been recovering from two years (a lifetime) of some truly exhausting events, as well as letting myself find things i enjoy. when i got out of high school, i loved what i was doing academically. i had very little passion. it had been bled out of me.

i am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you. your support, even in my period of dormancy, has meant so much. my relationship with writing sometimes feels like i am fighting my double, trying to balance both my need to use writing to understand myself, and my tendencies to ruin myself in the process.

i still don't have any promises to make, because i really don't know what's next for me. but i am still here, and you all still mean something to me.

with all my love, mallow

[ahl-e-dil]

[jasab]

[roachemoji]

<(＿　＿)>

[randaccidents]

(grabs Tangled Wisteria AU) Im not that mean. Loop ender scenario with a good ending. Im not dead ending my aus the point is the HEALING and the FAMILY

[theanonymousninja247]

Just a little something I came up with while reading my scriptures today.

thanks for @saspas-corner for being my personal adviser in designing it 🧡☝🏼

[deleriousbiznasty]

Tunes

[punkstylerecovery]

I think it’s ridiculous the way people are allowed to be assholes to me but I’m not allowed to say they’re mean. They can call me whatever, no problem, but I say, “Hey, you’re being mean,” and suddenly it’s crickets, like. The hypocrisy is blatant.

[marshykinnies]

dont like bandages. sensory bad. but donnie say its for good. so they have to stay on.

[constanze-1782]

The surgeon cleared me yesterday, I'm no longer post-op and can resume normal activities! 🥳🥳🥳

[funkytrumpets]

been getting really into city planning youtube. we dont need more public transportation, we need more roundabouts. Ideally, we should all be driving constantly to, from, and around different circles.

[serial-unaliver]

me: lmaoo my mom really thinks a few salty crackers and ginger ale will cure my nausea

me 2 minutes after ginger ale and crackers, no longer nauseous:

[sunsbleeding]