#The stuff people need to... y'know... survive??

[realian]

no one:

me: it surprises people that Astarion only has a charisma of 10 - that's a modifier of 0 - when he has a representation for being charming but it actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. I mean, it's his lowest skill aside from strength; he has 8 strength which should surprise no one because he's fairly weak physically. but as a rogue he uses his dexterity modifier which has to do with agility and using finesse weapons to stab arteries and stuff so he doesn't need it, y'know? but the charisma thing also makes sense because even though he's proficient in persuasion and deception which are charisma skills, his actual charisma is relatively low. charisma isn't just charm - it's sheer force of personality. natural social skill and grace. and Astarion doesn't have that. hell, the first few conversations he has with Tav are "how do you wanna be killed, given the choice?" and "what do you think each of our companions taste like?" he's kind of an awkward guy. everything he knows about seducing and manipulating people, he had to learn it. in this way, it's much easier to attribute his skills in manipulation as intelligence-based, and he has decent intelligence at 13. conversation and entertaining guests are skills he learned in order to survive two centuries of abuse. they're not part of his personality. charisma is a sheer force of personality and it makes sense that his force of personality is low. he doesn't know what his personality is.

[lucabyte]

i'm so curious about your character gender reads now tho 👀👀

(You enter the kitchen and see me, eating shredded cheese out of the fridge by the handful)

(I turn around to face you.)

Hi. Do you want me to sell you on amab NB Siffrin? I'm going to try and sell you on amab NB Siffrin. And maybe even a little bit of tranfem siffrin and/or loop. as a treat. just for you.

So, (I put the cheese back in the fridge.)

This read of mine comes from a number of things, a lot of them to do with the game's themes, and to do with Siffrin being a narrative foil to the other characters. And Vaugarde as a whole.

(READMORE WARNING: THIS IS LIKE 6K WORDS LONG. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW BY NOW I DON'T MAKE POSTS WITHOUT UNCONSCIOUNABLE AMOUNTS OF EVIDENCE AND EXPLANATION. IF ANYTHING I'M BEING RESTRAINED HERE. THUMBS UP.)

(Pre-readmore note: this is in response to me having given an analysis of how I personally percieve Sifloop in relation to asexuality and shipping. Which you can look at here. (x))

It is however, not what my like, no-holds-barred no-rules just-for-me headcanon for Siffrin would be. (which is intersex 'head empty no thoughts' siffrin, for the record). This is instead my close-reading-of-the-text-and-themes interpretation of Siffrin. This is why I'm gonna be saying Read and not Headcanon, to distinguish the two. (Anything I consider a little bit too much of a stretch vis a vis interpretive hard reads I will call a headcanon. But those are for the last bit of this post.)

Unlike *gestures at mass media* All That… ISAT is already packed to the gills with queer rep, to the point where I feel no need to grasp at straws and make overextended reaches into obviously unintended subtext. Like with, y'know, most media. Since here, the subtext isn't unintended. Like this isn't a Transfem Metal Sonic or Aroace Ash Ketchum situation where I know none of the evidence is on purpose and I'm just having fun making a conspiracy theory pinboard out of it. This is like… There's intentionality there. And I want to engage with it on its level, see what the text itself suggests. It's my personal preferred method of expressing deep respect to a text. (Not that it has to be anyone else's, obviously. This is just my way of showing I love a work.)

So yeah, I am, in general, very interested in hearing hard-fought arguments when it comes to interpreting texts. I'm glad ISAT has a lot to pick at here, and so, I will. (and since not a lot of texts ever have anywhere near this kind of depth in this arena, i don't wanna squander it… i'll try and keep my own biases as in check as i can, and already have done by hashing quite a bit of this interpretation out with two people of very different gender identities to mine. To put it mildly, binary-aligned or transfem I am very squarely Not.)

(Now that the cheese bag has been removed from the equation, I drop this framing device, sit you down at the table and begin to dredge up evidence from below it.)

Okay, so. What are my like… Core reasonings here? I think I can split it into three categories. Broadly, with an amount of overlap, so bear with me…

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Okay so up top I'm going to split my argument for Siffrin's gender identity Present and Future here. This means, for now, I'm arguing for AMAB NB Siffrin alone. The transfem stuff is for later (and more for loop, in my mind, too).

I have a few direct observations of the text here that set things up. Here are the things in-game that make me assume that Siffrin, as of the start of the game, has not yet undergone any radical change to their identity in their life. Not on purpose, at least. These are ordered in a messy but logical flow, so uh, try and keep up. I'll synthesise at the end. I Prommy.

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

CHANGE & THE UNIVERSE: PERCEIVED OPPOSITES

When interacting with most objects in the Changing Room in the house, they express a genuine curiosity toward body craft. It seems they are legitimately unfamiliar with it on a deeper level than having simply heard of it.

Despite this curiosity (explicitly stating they've previously wondered about it), they dismiss it as too much work early on in the game. These points combined seem to suggest to me that they have never previously sought out any kind of real change to their appearance or identity. Either for gender reasons, or other body dysmorphia reasons. (Which, despite the dismissal, they do refer to their body as a 'meat prison', which is not particularly positive) However...

This changes in Act 3. In acts 3 and 4 they flatly state: "You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now." While still never spoken aloud, their declining mental state corrosponds with a worn-down, almost nihilistic reckoning with the feelings they masked with the 'meat prison' joke in act 2.

[Image: Interactions with the change craft textbook in acts 2 and 3/4.]

In talking to Mirabelle, they are very self assured that one can stay the same/be comfortable with their born identity. They also seem a little unsettled by the change religion's flippancy in general, which makes sense, as they have been clinging to the famliar (even when painful) to cope with other traumas. (More on this later, section 2)

The Universe Faith appears to heavily disincentivise Wanting for oneself and other expressions of Free Will due to safeguarding against Wish craft. This seems to have impacted Siffrin's mental state majorly, even if they do not recognise it. The followers of the faith are (if Siffrin is to be believed) incentivised to 'go with the flow' and take paths of least resistance, and those that DO make big decisions will tend to justify things as being The Universe's Will. (See: The King's entire Modus Operandi, and the way Loop (and Siffrin) do the same rote actions, constructing worldviews (the play analogy, the Universe's Will) and justify that as what the Universe Would Want (despite a total lack of evidence to prove as such)) As such, it seems as if a follower of this faith as neurotic as Siffrin would be unlikely to act upon any Wants to Change Themselves without a lot of turmoil and backwards-justification. (Of note, Loop's forcible change coinciding with a dropping of pronoun. But that is again for later, section 3) As of the start of the game, they do not appear to have broached this kind of turmoil directly.

[Image: Act 5 interaction with the star journal, emphasis on it being a cautionary tale against reckless usage of wish craft, instilled so deeply to be a children's bedtime story]

Siffrin, in act 5, grows frustrated with both The Universe and The Change God, feeling abandoned by the former. They struggle with simultaneously anthropomorphising the Universe as a cruel onlooker, while also seemingly acknowledging them as a cold, almost scientific fact of nature. This would heavily imply that the 'blame' put upon the Universe by Siffrin in these moments is known to them, at least a little, to be potentially meaningless. It seems that somewhere in Siffrin's belief system is something, be it the core or merely a creeping worry, that the Universe is not a thinking, feeling, thing. And thus that their invocations of "The Universe's Will" are merely rationalisations of random chance and consequence. This is in DIRECT contrast to the Change God, proven to be an emotive sapient entity, who merely refuses to offer a helping hand. (Similar sentiments are, too, spoken by the Change God itself.)

[Images: Interacting with the window in the observatory in act 5, text from the change god meeting]

So. These are the bulk of my observations when it comes to how Siffrin is positioned in contrast to the Change Belief. It would seem to be that Siffrin, inkeeping with their role as an outsider, is a complete fish out of water in Vaugarde's change-centric world. This makes sense! It makes them a compelling foil to the Vaugardians in our cast, and allows the Vaugardians to challenge Siffrin's worldviews merely by existing. It also, more importantly, makes Siffrin an interesting lens through which to inspect our two most Change-driven characters. Mirabelle and Isabeau.

MIRABELLE.

Mirabelle and Siffrin's differing faiths are put on display the most frequently. Interactions like the circle key and the party's disbelief of Siffrin's facts about the stars make this clear. These interactions other Siffrin from the group further, and are another avenue through which Siffrin can ignore their own needs, not communicating with the party and allowing them to dismiss things he deems important.

Obviously, the friendquest is primarily about Mirabelle's struggle with her aromanticism and asexuality. But there's an implicit undercurrent of gender there too. Mirabelle has never made a big change, not like Isabeau. She has never 'changed completely', by her words. And Siffrin distinctly finds this an odd thing to be worried by. Whatever culture he carries has no pressure to explore these avenues, it seems. Siffrin is able to help her by sharing their honest opinions, that he's never felt the need to change these things, and he's happy (allegedly). Why should she?

[Image: Mirabelle's friendquest text] Siffrin is not thinking particularly hard when he first does the friendquests, they are just being themselves. By positioning Siffrin as this unchanged yet confident object, they are in the perfect position to help Mirabelle by being in her almost exact position, both sexuality and transgender status (albeit, with the caveats of potential alloromanticism, and a they pronoun), that they become her ideal foil. (And in fact, the subtle differences between their positions in canon add to this, showing a display of Perceived Genuine Truth, rather than simple in-group camaraderie)

Whereas…

ISABEAU.

When Mal du pays speaks as Isabeau, it says the following;

"I don't want to know someone who won't even try to change, who luxuriates in things staying the exact same like you do."

I don't want to know someone - Shame of being known, that's Isabeau's insecurity. Reflected back at Siffrin, who has become the worst thing imaginable to each of their friends, in Siffrin's own mind. He absorbs their insecurities like a sponge and incorporates them into himself. Empathy turned ill.

Who luxuriates in things staying the exact same - Now THAT'S interesting. This is not Isabeau's insecurity, it's Siffrin's own. But also, it appears as if, Siffrin, whom to Mirabelle was unflappable in that not changing was alright, has internalised some of her worry. That it is MDP's Isabeau saying this, though, shows this is about Personal Change, perhaps even Specifically Gender and Self Image, rather than Mirabelle's spiritual side.

Isabeau and his distinct change in personality and gender, to become someone who he actually likes… Diametric to Siffrin, who has been stagnant for a long time, presumably as far as they can remember. It would seem to imply they have no recourse against this argument. Siffin becomes, in his mind, the opposite to Isabeau, a man he deeply admires the bravery of when told the story of his Change. These are Siffrin's words against themselves, that they consider themselves to have never even 'tried' whatever it is they think Change to be.

So. These are my main points vis a vis: Siffrin as a foil. This reading would posit that Siffrin's He/They status is, well, almost accidental? Which I would imagine befitting of them. They are, at the start of the game, still the mysterious rogue who never elaborates upon anything. They aren't going to be correcting a they/them from a teammate who is likely far more cautious about assumptions.

Notably, Mirabelle excludes Siffrin from the label "man" in the bathroom monologues… But as does Siffrin when in the prologue poem room. Though one needs remember, Siffrin only expresses these thoughts internally.

[Image: Bathroom conversation featuring Isabeau identified as the party's singular man]

[Image: Prologue!Siffrin expressing that they are not a man in very certain terms.]

While I do wonder what Mirabelle's knowledge (or lack thereof, potentially! Did Siffrin actually divulge this to her, once? Or is she making assumptions again?) is here, this is pretty clear evidence that Siffrin doesn't see themselves As A Man. (that, and Adrienne's word of god "fella" comments). I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this… but.

The thesis here is, that Siffrin may want to explore their gender further; doesn't feel connected to Masculinity, and yet, keeps that He pronoun around? Well, the Universe does not, in Siffrin's mind, really allow for personal wants and desires. If their friends start they/themming them, then cool. They like it, but never requested it, so it's the Universe's will. But, asking? Making decisions and requests and rocking the boat? That seems to scare Siffrin a lot. It seems to scare them so much it causes a lot of, if not all of, the conflict in the game. I feel like it's a fair deduction that this aversion to humour their own desires pervades a lot of their existence.

Plus, I think there's meat there. By only allowing Siffrin to reckon with any potential desires to change only after growing closer with the family, you get to explore things like "How does Mirabelle feel that even the person who said she didn't have to change is changing." and the slightly less potentially harrowing (OR MORE, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE? IDK. I'M NOT YOUR BOSS.) "Isa's continued changing allows Siffrin a space to explore it, maybe even just by proxy, or maybe by joining them."

But mostly, this section is about how Siffrin not having Changed Yet makes them delightfully strong narratively; allowing them to relate to Mirabelle, and get cold feet when comparing themselves to Isabeau. I love this as a narrative strengthener. It's very rare in media that we get to explore a nonbinary character's thoughts and insecurities on whether or not they're "doing enough" to be nonbinary. Even less so Aligned nonbinary people. And reading that alignment and insecurity through the lens of a nonbinary person not fully disconnected from their assigned gender at birth? It's a very compelling exploration of a very common and raw and yet underdiscussed feeling, much like the rest of ISAT. I think this is an extremely potent element should it be read this way, and is only strengthened when taking Siffrin's other themes into account.

Speaking of which.

2. SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

HOLDING ON TO WHAT YOU KNOW. (OR KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT.)

I explained above many of my thoughts on the Universe Faith, and trying to keep these two sections separate was difficult, but needed to be done for the sake of clarity. But this section and the above are deeply intertwined.

Siffrin… Holds on to the things they know. They do not know much. But man do they fucking hold. And yet, paradoxically, they are also avoidant about it.

It is made clear in the text, to the point where I really don't feel the need to rehash it here, that Siffrin's disconnection from their homeland is incredibly painful, but that they consider that culture utterly and irreplaceably important to them. They cannot face it, it is too painful. They cannot let it go, it is too important.

Knowing what we know of the Island's irl inspirations (though, word of god, the exact location is not supposed to matter, one can infer it from the text (and I did! within reasonable proximity!)), Siffrin is of an indigenous peoples of some description, more than likely. And at the very least, Siffrin carries with them inherent biases and ignorances that show that Vaugarde's conceptions of things don't quite mesh with their own. Bowing to the Vaugardian way of things could very easily be seen as assimilation, in this way.*

And identity? Gender? Presentation? Role? All of that has a cultural element. There's no telling what specifics Siffrin has lost in that arena, and that's the problem. Neither do they. How paralysing, the feeling, to know that should you change yourself you risk unknowingly erasing another piece of home? I wouldn't blame them for locking it off. Keeping their old clothes, keeping what little they can remember of themselves… It doesn't seem to me a conducive or safe mental space to get experimental.

And the Universe makes for a perfect scapegoat. As referenced in the section above, a lot can be justified should you call it "The Universe's Will", because who's there to call you on it? Hardly anyone. Your divine right to Freeze A Place In Time; Your Deserved Punishment for Wanting to be Loved: All of it the Universe-- If you want it to be. And thusly, if the Universe wanted you to be a certain way, wouldn't you already be? Wouldn't it make you so? (Wouldn't it take away your body, that which makes you human? If that is what it thought of you?) So best to put it out of your mind. Wouldn't want to accidentally wish anything.

But as the game itself puts it, personified by The King, you cannot stay mired like this forever. As Loop themselves puts it, they can "get so fixated, sometimes." At some point they need to allow themselves to grow in whatever direction they need, because in the end, they need to live their life. They don't need to abandon their country, their culture, but they can't let it restrain them either.

(* MASSIVE CAVEAT: im white as fuck boyyy. i cant say shit. im like technically Of The Land im like 90% pictish or something ridiculous like that so my particular line has never moved anywhere but. this is notttt something i have input or insight on. this is all gleaned from reading and listening to indiginous perspectives from wherever they may be. i am simply trying to infer from what the game gives us without inserting my own feelings on the matter.)

3. SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Alright, here's some less heady and purely-thematic points to round things out. And where we'll also address the fucked up star being in the room; Loop.

My last couple of reading points are the most potentially-transfem to me. Or at least the ones that really hammer home, to me, a seeming lack of want to be masculine-aligned.

ANOTHER NOTE ON THE 'NOT A GUY' THING.

Obviously, there is the aforementioned "Not a man/not that you're a boy" thing. This is rather straightforward, but also still pretty ambiguous. You can be masc-aligned and still Not A Guy. But it does seem to be of note that being a guy very much does not seem to be a goal of Siffrin's. I would posit this in direct contrast to… Isabeau.

But not Isabeau's masculinity. I would instead hold it up against Isa's femininity.

ISAT, as a text, has its characters have genuinely different levels of security in their gender identity, and Isabeau, despite still having insecurities, seems super chill on the gender angle specifically! Their internal strife comes not from their 'not feeling like a man enough' or 'hating being a woman', but instead from their self perception as a friendless nerd! Something that seems to be only tangentially related to Isa's gender, really?

The big dumb bruiser thing is certainly aided by being a dude, but Isa still seems completely comfortable referring to themselves with feminine language, calling himself a "mother hen" (prologue) and having "the heart of a fair maiden" (cookie snack time). (However, they also take being excluded from Mira's girly book club as a surprised compliment, implying they weren't expected to be excluded, and find it affirming.) And even further so, Isa states they want to continue changing further and exploring their identity more, being rather blatant that they might lean back into femininity (and more importantly, let themselves be outwardly smart again), since they're starting to feel hurt by everyone assuming they ARE genuinely stupid.

[Image: Prologue Isa calling himself a mother hen]

And man, this is such a breath of fresh air vis a vis representation. I don't think I really need to explain that. A character who's gender identity is driven by chasing euphoria, even if it started out by trying to drive out misery. Isabeau's character is so damn good. But this essay isn't about him, so get back in the crate, boy.

... So here we have Isa, who is genuinely comfortable reclaiming things about their birth gender, and Mirabelle who loves her traditionally feminine traits to the point where she feels a little guilty that she isn't rejecting them to foster change. And then we have Siffrin… who seems to reject masculine language…? Hrm… (… And then we have The King. A Masculine Title. Someone who Siffrin increasingly sees themselves in and deeply, deeply dislikes this.)

APATHY AND SURVIVAL

It should be clear by now that I see Siffrin's core character as being driven by avoidance and survival. This seems to lead to a lot of apathy, brushing off emotions that are too intense or events and occurences that are too painful. (See: just absolutely everything with Bonnie)

It's all Siffrin really seems to be able to do to Survive. They've travelled, seemingly alone, for what would be around a decade by what the game says about the island's disappearance. They've lived alone on the road as a traveller in a country that so openly welcomes strangers that THE KING and his whole motives can happen. Siffrin is avoidant and refuses to acknowledge problems or strive for help and comfort.

So. That line about the dress. Let's unpack the line(s) about the dress.

THE DRESS LINE, AND THE WAY IT CHANGES BETWEEN PROLOGUE, ACT 2, AND ACT 3.

Good god where to start with this. Full disclosure, the first draft here was way more vague in how I approached this line because I remembered it (and another line, I'll get to it.) way more tame, but going and getting the screenshots..... Siffrin. Buddy. We gotta unpack this.

In act 2, we have "You haven't worn a dress in forever!". This is a neutral, if seemingly a little joyous statement. All we really glean from this is the information that Siffrin at some point, wore 'a' dress. No real inferences there. (Maybe you could say that the singular as opposed to plural makes it more likely that they borrowed/only owned One Dress rather than owned several? But that's a massive stretch...)

Then, act 3/4 shuffles this off into a more general "You wonder if you'll ever wear different clothes again." Which is a more despairing and distant statement. Considering Siffrin seems to travel with only the items they can carry, and owns sleep clothes... It's unclear how many changes of clothing they have. The party seems to consider the cloak a pretty permanent fixture, anyhow. But this line doesn't really say much aside from 'oh god i'm losing myself to the time loop malaise'

NOW THE PROLOGUE. Prologue Sif, buddy, pal, Loop, if I'm allowed to call you that....

Thousands of loops in. We are wistful for specifically dresses. You've forgotten almost everything. You dream about someday seeing the sun again. To be anywhere but here. You want to wear a dress again.

I. Kind of do not know what to do here but point at it. Like I said, my first draft had me half-remembering the progression of this line and as such I was far more vague on what I thought it could imply. Instead this is just straight up yearning.

To, try and segue back to what I had initially written, we'll pick up here...

Siffrin expresses a want to wear other clothes, explore changing their body... But instead, they wear a ratty old form-covering cloak that keeps them warm and safe and is a last reminder of home. They are shapeless, formless, hiding their face under the brim of a wide hat. They do not voice their desire to wear a dress aloud. They once again, keep a desire to themselves, because they do not allow themselves to want publicly. Apathy is safer. Apathy and quiet means you do not risk retribution or hurt.

While I do not think the above is exclusively a transfeminine feeling, it really, really reads like one when taken part and parcel with assuming Siffrin has denied themselves prior exploration.

... And here I have to break my first draft again. I was being, once again, restrained in my reading when writing this. Because I had convinced myself I had maybe straight up imagined one of the lines I was basing my reads on, because I couldn't find it. Because it was a line that read so strikingly desolate to me that my brain had slotted it in during Act Five, meaning when I went looking for it neither me nor my friends could find it.

It's in acts 3 and 4. It's a line I already brought up.

"You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now."

good fucking christ. sorry to break the academic tone but Jimminy Fucking Willikers, Siffrin. What's with that bit. The resignation and despair and guilty comfort we know the timeloop brings them, bleeding into the gender.

This. *taps my finger harshly on my desk* THIS, this feels transfem. this feels so wildly transfem to me. The knowledge that they've never changed before this line lends. The admission that they've been holding back because it's 'too much work'. I spent a lot of time during the game relating Siffrin not to myself but to my friends.

If I'm honest, really, truly, I'm not all too often in Siffrin's shoes. I'm the stable one, of my group. I'm the rock people ground themselves on. And I see so much hesitance, all the time. Denial of joy because what if it's taken away, again? Or futilely out of reach? It hurts more to try, and to fail, than to never try at all.

I wanted to shake Siffrin by the shoulders this whole game. Grit teeth beg them to accept help because for fuck's sake people are clearly offering it get it through your skull--

*coughs* Ah. Ahem. Right. The uh, academic tone.

Right. What I mean to say is, this read as transfem to me because of the way it relates to real-world experiences of denial. And this combo of the Dress line, and the progression of the Meat Prison line, the constant evidence of never having strived for what they want, and that insistance that you're not a man, seem to dislike being percieved as a man, but not being able to shed the outward signifiers?

Individually, yes, these points can be read in different ways. The total opposite ways, even, I'm sure! But as a gestalt it feels really, really transfem. Even if yeah, sure Vaugarde is a magical setting where being transgender is accepted, and this hesitance, specifically, around gender, might not 'make sense' in 'the lore'...

Diegesis isn't everything. Sometimes something that reflects a real-world feeling is important, even if it doesn't 'mesh' with 'the lore' of the world.

TANGENT: DIEGESIS AND READING INTO NON-REAL-WORLD-SETTINGS.

This is a Watsonian vs Doylist spectre that's been haunting this whole argument. In-universe (Watsonian), Vaugarde has seemingly no discrimination between genders, sexualities, and a lackadaisical approach to most things in the arena. Reading our own patriarchal/heterosexual/amanonormative/perisexist society unto it does not make sense, not in this context.

In the real world, however (Doylist), ISAT is a text made in our prejudiced society. A text that is distinctly flavoured by those bigotries which it is kicking back against. Because of this, it is not the whole story to simply read the text while discarding our real-world-informed inferences. Isabeau is a big example of this. While perfectly accepted in Vaugarde, he is very obviously a revolutionary character in our real-world space! He has so much to say, specifically BECAUSE things about him that are not readily accepted here, are accepted there! Same with Mira's struggles, and yes, Siffrin's too.

ISAT was written with the knowledge of how it would play against our real world in mind, we know this, clearly, from many an interview. This is most present in how it engages with asexuality and aromanticism (and immigrant identity), but make no mistake, it influences the Whole Text.

Ergo, just because I view certain writing choices here in the context of Our Real World Perspectives On Gender and not Vaugarde's In-Universe Perspectives, it does not make them an invalid read. They are simply a Doylist read.

There's been an admittedly loosey-goosey lack of delineation here between things I'm reading with either lens, because for the most part all of these points have been a vague synthesis of both that I can't quite decouple. Unprofessional, I know, but I'll admit to not having written my thoughts down like this in a good long while. Usually I just hash this out verbally over discord voice to a small number of weirdo literature and classics student friends who are willing to humour me. I'm an arts student too, but animation hardly required I actually write an essay to a literature degree's standard. Lol.

DE-PERSONING. AND LOOP. OH JESUS . LOOP .

Siffrin de-persons themselves a lot. I say de-person rather than dehumanise because, well, there's a subtle difference there. Siffrin doesn't see themselves as vermin or an animal or an object, but they do seem to see themselves as lesser, not requiring the respect they grant others. They aren't, you know, a 'real person'.

People get to have things like thoughts and wants and identities. Siffrin is, at best, Just Siffrin. They have what they have and they don't ask for more and they don't (CAN'T) feel too strongly on what they do have!

When Loop at first offers their pronouns they offer the Royal 'We'. This is at least a little bit, a joke. A nudge toward their true identity, a potential dig at themselves for becoming so understanding of The King. Mostly though, a joke on the first thing…. and a sign that they do not see themselves as a separate entity to the Siffrin stood before them.

When Siffrin rejects this, they settle for they/them. Loop drops the he/him, presumably partially to cover their tracks, but… They just showed their hand with the 'Royal We', and if you wanted to go even further with this, there's no way for us to know whether Loop is treating this pronoun as singular or not. They presumably are, but it is still a potentially plural pronoun.

Loop… Clearly does not see themselves as a person. It's, I would say, a completely reasonable assumption that the form they have taken reflects implicit feelings toward themselves as less than a person, an actor, a monster, a tool, a means to an end. They are rendered inhuman by The Universe, frivolous distractions removed. No mouth, inventory and clothes confiscated, nothing between the legs. Formed roughly in the shape of a person to allow them to do their only job: Help.

Loop's body does not make logical sense, given their continued ability to sleep, dream and their continued habit of deep breaths to self-soothe. It would seem to me, it was made in the image it was, with only the tools it needed to Help Siffrin. Why obfuscate their identity? Because giving the game away too early would likely make them lose hope. Why so deeply, thoroughly star themed? An instant signal, that even if a stranger, they are an ally. They are home.

[Image: Loop saying that they take naps and dream, and evidence of Loop habitually attempting to breathe in the twohats lose-to-loop ending]

And they… Degender themselves. No longer with any bodily signifiers of masculinity, and cruelly disallowed the ability to hide themselves beneath fabric, they are null. The spoiler Q&A (paratext, as it were) states that:

Q. Is Loop: 1. Actually comfortable with both he and they, but only gave the one pronoun to emphasize the distance? 2. Only using they/them because a large life event led to a shift in identity/ how they’d like to be perceived? or 3. time lops stole he from they they :( A. Mostly that first one. But all three of those reasons have a bit of truth to them.

While the 'mostly the first one' comment does imply that Loop would not baulk at being he/him'd (similar to how Siffrin does not), the other reasons, especially the second, having 'a bit of truth' does lend credence to this reading. That Loop's self-perception has shifted, and what I posit, is that this shift is in tandem with a disconnection with humanity. Due, presumably, to the dehumanising experience of the timeloop.

Loop has no biology to speak of, and yet they remain blind in one eye. I take this as an implication that they considered this so core to themselves, to who they could remember being, that it stayed. Even if they had forgotten their own face, trapped in a part of the house with no mirrors, they knew they couldn't see. They kept this, and yet seemingly they, or The Universe, or both of them in tandem, discarded all else.

This isn't like…. Healthy behaviour. That is for certain. But it is interesting that Siffrin and Loop seem to hold on to their masculinity by a thread, and that Loop, when actually given the excuse to make a choice, chooses the Neutral Option. Siffrin might de-person themselves, but Loop, Loop is absolutely dehumanising themselves. From Loop's own mouth (or lack thereof) do they call themselves a Corpse. That's… pretty damn bad.

TANGENT 2: POTENTIAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE JAPANESE TRANSLATION.

Did somebody say 'distance'? Yeah turns out that has some more potential evidence. In the form of First Person Pronouns. See, English, with its third person only pronouns relies on others to gender you. Japanese, you get to gender yourself. And Siffrin specifically has an interesting discrepancy in the way he refers to himself.

(DISCLAIMER: I . DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT JAPANESE. THIS IS SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE. SOURCED FROM THIS TUMBLR POST AND OTHER QUICK SKIMS OF WIKIPEDIA)

Loop and Siffrin use the same, very neutral "mostly male but could go either way" pronoun of 僕 boku. Safe, soft friendly pronoun. Used by people on the younger side of adulthood, not so impolite that you can't use it in a formal setting. Such a neutral all-rounder that female singers in japan tend to use boku in their songs to relate to the audience with quiet confidence.

And in their internal monologue? Siffrin uses a completely different pronoun. In his head, for himself, he uses 自分 jibun. Now, this may be an artefact of the monologue's english second-person "You", since jibun can also be used to mean a very neutral "self". A "myself/herself/himself" type 'self'. But when used as a first person pronoun, it has a connotation of being… distant, introspective. Which is… a fascinating implication, if that was the intent.

But I don't know anything about japanese so ! If I'm off the mark, discard this!

LOOP, PART 2: MAYBE NOT A GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

While Siffrin I can comfortably argue that they can like, keep their current gender presentation, whatever you may perceive it to be, once the game is over, Loop, I cannot.

Siffrin's potential issues with their identity are ones that honestly feel like they would best be explored with gentle refinement and searching. They don't need to violently seperate themselves from what they are now, far from it, in fact. They need to learn to grow comfortable in their own skin, and with the people they love. To become open and trusting, with an open mind to where it may lead.

Loop has already lost this battle. They don't get to refine anymore, just pick up the pieces. While I don't necessarily think radical change is Good for Loop, I think they may Need It. For them, resting will probably become stagnation (see: napping all day under the tree, resigned, really, to the idea they're stuck there forever.), they need a shake-up in order to re-find their feet. Even if they end up right back where they started, they still need to do the actual painful process of soul-searching first.

Problem is, they're still rather avoidant. So it basically becomes a question of getting them into a situation where this exploration is forced upon them. At which point, that's a whole new plotline. This becomes fanfiction. Hence, why while I think Transfem-Egg Loop is a Valid Read when extrapolated from Siffrin… I must concede any actual adventures into them acting upon that as headcanon territory. I just do not know how you would get them there without making a whole new Thing, at which point it stops being Just A Read of the text haha. It doesn't help that Loop and Siffrin (grudgekeepers supreme) both have reason to spite the Change God after who was phone.

As for whether this egg-read reflects directly back on to Siffrin? Maybe! They are the same person. But I think that, especially with Vaugarde's lax views, and their actual differences (Loop's general worse mania // Siffrin's incentive to stay a reminder to themselves and Loop of their country) means they could easily go two different routes, along the road to becoming their own distinct individuals. (And in all honesty, growing into their differences is probably the more healthy option in the long run if you're keeping Loop around? But again, we are going so far into the future here this is no longer a read. And I am not here to dispense baseless headcanons without massive disclaimer, so…)

Tl;Dr:

Siffrin's Survival-Apathy and hesitance to change feels really thematic to their being 'what's left' of their homeland

They seem unsettled by the flippancy of the Change Religion at times, clinging to the familiar to cope with the trauma of displacement.

Mal du pays speaks of them that they have not 'tried' to change, showing an insecurity there, even outside of the literal stagnance of the loops.

They are self assured to Mira that one does not have to change, in a very genuinely personal impulsive statement.

They and others exclude themselves from being "A Man", but Siffrin keeps desires to explore their expression to themselves.

The Universe belief, seemingly in Siffrin's view of it, disincentivises Free Will and Wants very heavily. It is not hard to assume they extend this to all elements of their life.

They have self-admittedly never pursued tangible change, likely due to this aversion to choice. Despite this, they express interest in changing, seeming nonplussed with their body, and house at least some desire for more traditionally feminine expression.

Oh Good God. Loop Sure Does Not Treat Themselves Like A Person. Why Does That Come With A Pronoun Change? What Does That Mean?

But most of all:

It makes them such a fascinating foil and lens to Change and characters who believe in it! It makes them eerily similar to The King! It opens up such fascinating debate between characters like themselves and Mirabelle, Isabeau and Loop, on whether or not they want to change in future, or if it truly is okay to never radically change yourself! What genuinely fertile ground for dialogues. And man if I'm not heavily drawn towards dialogues.

(End of essay! Congratulations for making it the whole way! 🎉 I hope this nightmarish deep dive helps with understanding some of the ways I've been writing Siffrin and Loop too. Since while I've not ever focused on the gender side of it (and probably won't in comic form) this does pervade my view of the two, since it would be impossible for it to Not. As you can see, I do think it is pretty relevant to both their themes.)

(Now for some bonus material)

ADDENDUMS:

PERSONAL BIAS NOTE:

Not included in this analysis since this is more a Pet Theme of my own (usually kept quarantined to the realms of my OCs), but something else I see in Siffrin is a reflection of the Dude Issue(tm) of patriarchal irl society disincentivisng Dudes(tm) from ever fucking introspecting ever.

I'm curious about nonbinary/trans characters who have no idea they’re nonbinary/trans because they’ve been disincentivised from thinking/doubting their identity due to societal power structures or simply tradition. I dig around the themes of “a lot of guys are trapped in a societal prison without ever knowing and it makes them miserable but they can’t escape because they don’t even see the cage” like, a lot, in my personal work. It intrigues me. So bleh, cards on the table there. That mode of interacting with nb/trans characters is one I'm inclined to.

This kinda goes hand in hand with the watsonian vs doylist situation i took an aside to mention. But it is so far along the doylist side that I didn't want to include it, since it is a little too assumptive of the text for my comfort. I don't think the game necessarily has much commentary on this specific Societal Bind. But if it does, then hey, there's my thoughts on it.

STRAY SIDE NOTES AND HEADCANONS ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS (AS A TREAT FOR GETTING THIS FAR):

MID-GAME OBSERVATION ABOUT BONNIE AND ODILE THAT I NEVER WENT BACK TO VERIFY:

I got the impression that Bonnie heavily favours they/them pronouns for Siffrin, and Odile he/him, as a bit of presumed character voice. I don't know that I am right, literally at all, in that observation, because it very well could've been confirmation bias.

BUT! It did give me the impression that one of the things Bonnie was idolising about Siffrin was a degree of "wow!! older person with my gender!! wow!!", which is just like, cute. I like it even if I don't have any solid evidence.

ODILE, WHAT'S HER DEAL?:

Oh she stays just as mysterious as she intends to be, huh? Even with her comments in the Changing Room alluding to knowing things about underground changing operations, you can't draw much of a conclusion about her. I appreciate verily that she's word-of-god unlabelled and also poly. That shit's great. Woman who has stopped drawing lines or caring what she's up against. Nice characterisation flavour I think.

Anyway, I do think that transfem Odile is a really, really nice take. I have no evidence in either direction for her in either direction, and her being a woman of any description makes her relationship with her absent mother something interesting to chew on, but the idea that she pursued womanhood intentionally lends an interesting texture. I've not much to say, but it's a thread to pull on. Makes you wonder what other female role models she had in her life instead. Anyway she's mysterious as fuck I can't extrapolate Jack nor Squat. Shrug! I'm also made curious by the idea of her potentially moving away from womanhood as she feels the weight of her history lifted. This goes either way, really. Diagnosis: mysterious.

HEADCANON NOTE: INTERSEX SIFFRIN

I don't have any in-text support for this so this entire thing is an unbased headcanon to me. but i DO like it because 1. fun and 2. potential for more thematic exploration

haha gotcha its fuckin themes again. its always themes with me.

But yeah. Not much to say here besides drawing a parallel (that I believe I've seen drawn elsewhere in the fandom already?) between ISAT's comments on how a society that values change would view Aroace identities, and how Mira feels about not wanting to change with the real world experiences of Intersex people having alteration and conformity forced upon them, saying the Change Belief would likely be just as bad for them as it is for aroace people.

So, adding it to Siffrin's situation further drags them into the opposition-to-change foil role. Which like I said, think has a lot to explore.

HEADCANON NOTE: A POTENTIAL METHOD FOR GETTING LOOP OUT OF THEIR GOD DAMNED COMFORT ZONE

I think utilising Loop's contrarianism is an effective and funny way to get them to explore their gender. I personally think running with them trying to hide their identity from the party is a hilarious way to do it. Having them try to position themselves in direct opposition to Siffrin to "throw the party off their trail" (not that i think they really need to?), going full feminine-revealing-clothing because it's NOT what a Siffrin would do and accidentally growing accustomed to it. Funny to me. Especially when the party eventually do find out who they are and go . "????? what was the girl stuff about ??? is that something you wanna do now ???".

[Isabeau] "Ohhhh it was a bit! Haha you really are Sif, still a jokester!" [Loop] "HAHA YEAH . JOKES. LOVE THOSE. LOVE TO MAKE JOKES!" [Isabeau] "Yep! Anyway. Tell me if you need anything!"

Bonus bonus:

[Siffrin] "Okay, so, if you're a girl. Does this reflect on like… me?" [Loop] "No doubles. Get your own gender, parasite~!"

[elvenbeard]

Old and Happy

😭 my feels have been all over the place since I finally finished this! Don't even remember when I started, as I kept working on and off on it over a couple of months. But I think it was after writing something particularly angsty and going "you know what, they will get their happy ending though, so it's all good".

Some details and thoughts below the read more cause it got long hhhh ;A;

This is in about 2087 maybe, roughly "ten years later". Vince changed his hair, ditched the rattail for good (or again xD) for something still colorful but a bit more easy to style. But he might change it up again, he's done so repeatedly and still likes to experiment with his hair.

Not visible, he probably would've added some elements to his back tattoo after surviving all of 2077. Johnny's tattoo he covered up as well, he would've done that first probably before the back piece. Adding some things here and there over time, with colors and patterns and wings, some cherry blossoms ('cause a thing of beauty will never truly fade away - hence just not getting laser removal but covering it with something that suits him more, but keeping some elements like the J and V visible). It started with three roses below the "V" as a little homage to Jackie, and 2077 as the year that finally put him on the right track in his life, even if it almost killed him in the process.

Overall he is a healthier weight than he was for most of his life, and finally got some therapy he desperately needed to deal with all the crap he went through pre-2077 already. He's not dyeing his first grey hairs because hell, that he's even still around to get some is amazing with his line of work and life story. And he realized that there's no need to be super well put togeher 24/7, clean shaven and whatnot, when you know you're just gonna be hanging out with your man and cat all weekend (and actually allowing yourself to something like that - leisure time and pizza in bed, unheard of to 2077!Vince). He's doing good and feels good and comfortable, physically and mentally.

Kerry also changed, also embracing the dad bod over abs, probably still experimenting with his looks a lot now and then whenever the label feels like they need to draw attention to him for whatever reason. But to the brown eyes he returned in 2078 already in my headcanon for the Sun ending timeline, and he stuck with them.

Overall I think he might finally care a little less about other people's opinions too, the buzz and the drama, cause he knows that at the end of the day there's always gonna be someone waiting for him at home who loves him unconditionally. He's a bit calmer and at ease, but of course still up to no good whenever he gets the chance to stir shit up xD Vince and him remain to be a dangerous duo you don't wanna mess with. At that point Vince is a well-respected, even if somewhat elusive, fixer, so he's probably even more dangerous now than he used to be as a mere merc with an arsenal of connections and resources at his disposal that can almost rival Kerry's.

I also gave Kerry a lil new cyberware piece on his hand - he is an old man and I think, using his hands as a musician on the daily, at some point there's just gonna be some wear and tear to your bones and joints only tech can fix anymore... Especially if you're stubborn and refuse to retire cause no, you're not done yet, you still have so much to yell into the world and music to make, stuff to add to your legacy and all.

Last but not least: Nibbles is an old lady already as well here, but living her best life with her dads spoiling her rotten, of course!

And then öalkshjdfagsdföasgdfaösfh ;___;

Y'know, "to bad decisions" and all, and two very different pieces still fitting together perfectly somehow, and light and shadows, and the sun and moon and yeah. ;___; Brb crying, the feels are back xD

Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far!! They mean so much to me and aösdjhfajsfhasfk could go on forever about every little detail xD On to the next drawing!

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT: ??? Months “Your choice”

“There you are! I was getting worried, your directions were awful for finding this café.”

“We both know I suck at directions, hope you didn't get rained on too much. Sorry for making you visit me over and over. I remember you said you’re not a fan of Hyper city”

“You know I like the rain, and this place makes it easier to visit you anyway. Now lemme just get the seat closer to you…

So how are you hun. Is the recovery going alright? Have you gotten any memories back?”

“A couple, yeah. I remember the name of that other slime I met a while ago. Sandy I think.”

“You think?”

“Memories are hard, please don't push me.”

“Sorry. Well it's good that you're healing, and you're not taking that stuff again right? 

… right hun?!”

“I'm not, I'm not. Tomorrow is the last day I have to wait before I can legally take it again. Right now I'm just wondering if I should wait longer or not.”

“Don't do anything that isn't safe hun. I know this means a lot to you, I can't say I know what you're going through, cause I'm not a therian or otherkin or whatever like you. But please be safe, I don't like worrying about you… What's that on your phone? You're clearly hiding it.”

“It's nothing, I'm just running a poll, I want to see what the internet would do in my circumstance.”

“Hun!…”

“I'm not going to make my decision based on what random people have to say. I'm probably not even going to post it. I mean it's a pretty cool, textbook grey choice. Survive less happy than I could have been, or risk everything to finally feel normal and free… Please don't look at me like that.”

“You sound a lot happier about one of those choices hun, and it makes me scared.”

“...Y'know I've actually been thinking about moving into Hyper city. Roommates are ok with it as long as I give them a few months to search for a new place. We could also visit each other whenever. There's still a lot of problems here, but it still feels like there's less discrimination here than back home. I even have a good idea for what I want to do here! I'm studying to become a psychiatrist and work for Dr. Erian. He could really use someone who has a positive amount of bedside manners. There's a couple other doctors there but-

“I thought the plan was for us to live together?”

“...We will, when things get better back home. At least here it's easier for us to see each other, and I don't have to pretend I can't hear people whispering I'm a freak. At least, not as much. Nothing's changed long term.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure, you don’t have to worry, everything is going to be fine. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing if I started my HRT again after tomorrow. I know I can regain my memories slowly, so there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“There is a problem! You think it’s fine if you forget everything? Look, it's great that some of your memories are back, but that doesn’t mean all of them are gonna come back. You’re being reckless again. Your life isn’t something you can keep tossing around without expecting us to hold you down. Hun, you need to stop hurting yourself.”

“...I’m not hurting myself. I’m just trying to live my life. I don’t want to upset you, but you have to realize this is the most important thing for me right now. If I mess this up, then nothing is going to go well. I understand that you’re scared, but please think about how I feel. I’d be having heart palpitations if that were still possible. This choice needs a clear head to figure out. I don’t think either of us have that.”

“Maybe. You’re going to be fine right? You won’t die from this or anything right?”

“No, I’m not going to die. The doc made sure it’s going to be safe at this point. We just have to hope he’s wrong about the side effects, and before you go saying he’s a trained endocrinologist, you haven’t met him, and I don’t even think he knows all that much. Trust me, you’d realize what I mean if you met him.”

“But he knows more than you do hun.”

“Ok, yeah, but it’s clear this is still all new to him too. He’s never been right about when any of the changes will happen or what the side effects would be. He made me sign an NDA about slipping into a three day coma. He’s clearly more afraid his medical license will be revoked than any actual permanent damage he’ll inflict."

“Aren’t you breaking that NDA right now?”

“I don’t have to listen to that. Besides, as long as the internet doesn’t hear about it, then it’s fine. It's not like you're gonna shout this conversation to the rooftops… don't actually tell anyone else, I'd rather not get in trouble again.”

“So, where are you staying anyway? You said the houses here are pretty expensive right? Do you have enough savings to find a place?”

“There's a non-profit place called T.H.E.M.S, they can find me a place to stay while I try to find a more permanent residence here. They have an on-site doctor too, so you don't have to worry even harder now.”

“Hey, you can't fault me for worrying about my girlfriend! That's good there's going to be a doctor nearby. I'm glad. Stay safe hun.”

“I will, don't worry. Now come on, less talking about depressing medical stuff, more pictures of tiny foods! Right now I want to show you the cute cupcakes this place has!

“Oh they’re shaped like little dragons!”

“It's so cute, right?”

...

Click… Post sent!

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

Thanks for reading slime HRT so far. It's been so much fun for Navi to write and we hope you enjoy it. This marks about a third of what we plan to do. If you're confused about the terms Hyper city or T.H.E.M.S you can check out information about them. Pretty important since this is gonna be the location for the rest of the series. Anyway, thank you for reading. It means the world to us. bye-bye!

-Sweetheart💖

[hadesoftheladies]

too many people view (uncritically, esp when it comes to feminism) separatism as this isolating, individualistic thing where people who don't want to participate just pack their bags and move to a far off country. that isn't what it is at all.

separatism is about re-centering the individuals of a certain community so as to strengthen the community. so that a community focuses its energy and resources on itself rather than on outsiders. it is, quite literally, about building and expanding community. it's not merely about escaping men or banning men, it is about relying on women, building a community of women, centering women, making it so that women are not dependent on men because women got them. you see how that's qualitatively different right?

like it's not so much about cutting off your father or brothers, but about spending deliberately more time fortifying your relationships with other women in your life. whether helping them out financially, donating books, giving advice, buying their stuff, giving energy.

when it comes to revolution of any kind, they die quickly without a strong sense and presence of community.

one of the biggest wrenches patriarchy has thrown into women's liberation is poisoning female community. consciousness-raising is difficult because every new generation of women is cut off from the one preceding it. younger girls are taught to resent women and view women with suspicion. they are male-centric in that they believe males will protect, love, provide for and cherish them only to have a rude awakening sooner or later.

bridging that disconnect is going to take practicing varying degrees of separatism. for sharing of knowledge between women and girls is hampered by male presence. you've all seen this happen. when a man or boy enters the picture, conversation between women is crippled. we start censoring ourselves.

censorship is a huge issue feminists face at every turn, and it's worse because we experience this censorship not just via government or public forums where men are in charge, but in our interpersonal relationships. and not just in our interpersonal relationships, but by our own selves. only female community brings out the honesty in us and gives us the courage to speak out and think freely. we all know this.

separatism is not only imperative to women's health, it is imperative to consciousness raising. it's not about living in a male free utopia but about centering women in all things so that women's community is strengthened and prepared to take on their oppressors and patriarchal society (and so that it survives retaliations). girls don't need to be totally isolated from males. they need to have predominantly female (not feminine) influence in their lives. they need to be in a place where they do not depend on males or cater to them. they need to be female-centric. learning female-philosophy and perpetuating authentic female culture.

that's separatism.

and the good news is that feminists are not the first oppressed group to employ separatism. black liberation movements employ this as well and are strengthened when they do. it's how they won some of their most vicious battles. lgb communities also utilize(d) separatism and it strengthened their communities. they had to de-center the narratives of their oppressors and rely on each other instead of begging their oppressors for scraps. they won because they gave themselves to each other as a community.

separatism works. over and over again. liberation takes time, but it has always needed separatism.

i just keep thinking about how communities can disrupt and change society, y'know? like how even in the throes of capitalistic/imperialist/white supremacist greed, small communities find a way to take care of each other financially and physically. culture predates economy, even while economy can beget culture or poison it. i love how small communities can just say "fuck you" to the presiding ruler and create within themselves micro-economies to keep each other alive. economy is just, after all, a social agreement/condition.

women are the ones who will liberate women. keep investing in that and it'll pay off.

[darkcloudsatnight]

ACE OF BASE MY LOVE YOU'VE GIVEN ME A STROKE OF GENIUS

Anyways enjoy reading this sh bc of the 7th comic releasing, my love for helmet party, and Ace Of Base's "Don't Turn Around".

Don't Turn Around

Song by: Ace Of Base

Ship: Helmet Party

Category: Angst

[Intro

Spoken:

(I will survive without you)^

(Don't tell me that you wanna leave)

(Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh

Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh) ]

^Dell looking into a mirror, repeating that sentence like a mantra. It's all he can do now....

Verse 1:

If you wanna leave

I won't beg you to stay

And if you gotta go, darlin'

Maybe it's better that way

Seeing Soldier with that unfamiliar lady was a little shocking to Dell, especially when there was something like a ring around her finger, even if it was just a grenade pin. He started to recall those little moments him and Soldier used to share before all this robot war nonsense went down. Before they were fired. Before Dell was called in to be Helen's personal Healthcare system. He saw how close that Soldier was to this woman, and he felt his heart clench with something like envy and heartbreak... but he knew he couldn't hold onto it. They were bound to drift apart anyways. It was better this way if he let Soldier go live his own life....

Bridge:

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine

Don't worry about this heart of mine

(Walk out that door, see if I care)

(Go on and go, but)

Dell knows that Soldier remembers what they had, but Dell knows now that Soldier has something better... something more acceptable. He tells him, "Don't worry 'bout me... go on 'n live yer life with yer new fiancé... I'll show up to the weddin' if I can but... y'know, work stuff... heh..."

He never showed up to the wedding, much to Soldier’s disappointment.

Chorus:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

But I won't let you know

I won't let you know

Dell is pushing Soldier away. He feels his heartstrings being torn at rather than plucked carefully, like how he played his guitar on late nights by a campfire for... Jane... but Dell can never tell him what he's sacrificing. Dell can never tell him about his remaining feelings that he's forced to release and forget about. Dell can never show Soldier how much this is hurting him. Dell can never show anything to him anymore. He can only push what they had farther into the pit of despair that was torn open inside of him. Inside of his heart.

Verse 2:

I won't miss your arms around me

Holding me tight

(Holding me tight)

And if you ever think about me

Just know that I'll be alright

(I'll be alright)

Dell is reassuring Soldier (and himself) that he's going to be okay with some alone time after all this happened. In private, away from prying eyes, he's reassuring Soldier he'll be fine without a relationship for a little. Solitude will allow him to clear his head from more than one problem... He tells Soldier to only remember him as a close friend... and to always assume that wherever he is... he's doing alright. He's doing fine. Just like he always says...

Bridge:

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine

Don't worry about this heart of mine

(I will survive, I'll make it through)

(I'll even learn to live without you)

Dell again reassures Soldier he's okay over and over. He's a strong southern man after all... and southern men don't cry... at least not in front of people... but he never mentioned that last part...

He's telling himself he needs to learn how to live without Jane in his life... he can do it... he's lived this far getting through past relationships... how different was this one?...

Very different, Dell realized much too late.

Chorus:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

But I won't let you know

Dell is telling Soldier to never look back at what they had again. Telling him to only look forward at his future... he had a beautiful wife to look forward to... he had possible children in his future... a successful family... he shouldn't look back at the sobbing and pathetic Dell on the ground, flattened by his own boot like an ant. That's all Dell's feelings were, after all. Just another ant in the anthill of emotions, always being crushed by the boot of reality, until its nothing but a small smudge in the middle of the sidewalk of life.

Post-Chorus:

I wish I could scream out loud

That I love you

I wish I could say to you

Don't go

(As he walks away, he feels the pain getting strong)

(People in your life, they don't know what's going on)

(Too proud to turn around)

(He's gone)

As much as Dell wants to empty his heart and lungs out to Jane, tell him that Dell's loved him and has never forgot about him, no matter how long it's been, he knows he can't. He wants to so bad... but it's already too late. Soldier's gone. Getting married to a woman he truly loves... forever. And no one knew. Absolutely no one knew the tension going on between them. No one knew about that little red string between them was forcefully cut off... and Jane tries to truly belive that Dell doesn't need him anymore... no matter how much he needs Dell....

[Ending+Fadeout:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

Baby, don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Just walk away

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)]

At this point... Dell's only talking to himself. Telling him to never look back at what he used to have... he's letting Jane go... doing what was right... and leaving himself in the dust... he's sacrificing his love because of its existence... and all that's left is his back in the distance as he walks away from what could have been...

(Song under cut)

[thekamukuraproject]

I am very obsessed with Izuru but I have only recently grown okay with Izuru and Hajime as the same person but only in a particular way...

Because I hate when Hajime and Izuru are seen as the same and completely interchangeable. I often see people frame it like Hajime is just acting weird or that Izuru is just like a parasite in his brain and he's cured post sim and I've always despised that. It makes it sound like nothing mattered. Like all that heavy brain alteration did nothing because of a virtual reality. Y'know, despite the brain being so unbelievably sensitive to manual changes that neurosurgeons have to keep a patient awake during the procedure to ensure they don't accidentally fuck everything up immensely.

And the stuff about Hajime being "suppressed" irks me.. Like he's there trying to get out or his consciousness is asleep. It sounds like brainwashing. And that's just not how that works. It's not what happened. Hajime underwent surgery and they slowly snipped away his neural connections to his memories, reactions, and other behaviors. That does sound extremely sifi and silly but it's possible!.. Partly. MRI's can see what areas in the brain light up and respond to certain associations and those areas can be severed. It's not perfect but it can do a lot of the heavy lifting when the scientists at Hope’s Peak want as much of Hajime gone as possible.

Hajime is not Izuru. That makes it sound like Hajime, who remembers everything that has ever happened to him and who remembers the people in his life and the things he cared about, it makes it sound like he's still there. He isn't. He's a changed irrepairable person. It is more accurate to say Izuru is Hajime, which admittedly sounds exactly the same with just the names switched but it is FAR better to interpret it as I think.

Izuru is Hajime because Hajime is just the face and body and later on the residual memories that the sim was able to piece back together (note that the pieces with those neural connections weren't removed. It wasn't really a lobotomy. Nothing was removed. So the simulation, assuming it took subconscious memories and brought them more closely to the "surface" of the subconscious to fix the brainwashing. Hajime's neurons could, theoretically, still be kicking and working in there to make a neural map I guess) Izuru is Hajime because he was made to be a husk filled with only Talent and other natural human bits a brain needs to survive, and by the end of the Kamukura Project, Izuru is only Hajime by name. A name that Izuru doesn't remember or need because it's for a boy who let himself die in the desperate attempt to feel important and worth something to himself. And so the name is gone too soon enough.

But if Izuru is a Hajime who was forced to forget his name, family, friends, and just everything that he cared for in his life...Why would he so easily gain everything about himself back after a really intense simulation? I can understand parts of what was Hajime very gradually returning because that is something the brain can do. Like if you get tetanus you'll become paralyzed and the only way to *not* be paralyzed anymore is for you to either not have had tetanus or for your brain to grow around the blockages and create new connections so your brain can communicate with the rest of your nervous system but this process takes months or sometimes even years to recover from. Something like brain surgery is going to have long last effects regardless of the simulation.

If Hajime did regain his thoughts and opinions and memories, wouldn't he be so irreparably changed? The fact he had brain surgery preformed on him cannot be denied. There are canon images detailing it. Izuru can try to regain their identity back but so much is irrepairable it'd probably hurt far less to just make a new identity... Or honor the identity that was abandoned when Hajime's life was nearly eradicated.

For those who have ever read Piranesi. It would be so so similar to that ending with Matthew Rose Sorenson. At the end he states he is neither the original nor Piranesi but a third secret thing because of his experiences in The House and his memories from reality and he does sound a little bit like the Piranesi who is masking his understanding of life in the House and I cannot imagine the post sim hajizuru slurry that is poured out into the real world would behave any differently...

Izuru takes the name Hajime to honor the one who he used to be and because everyone around Izuru knows him as Hajime but he masks that burden of talent that Izuru has been plagued with since their birth and I think it's kinda really encapsulated in dr3's hope arc. He shows up to save Makoto and the remaining survivors and is completely calm and serene about it really. its so alien and different from the freaked out Hajime from the simulation. To me it's always felt like Hajime post sim is just the Izuru who took up the belief to look towards the future and not dwell in the past because that is how you heal and Hajime never learned that but Izuru did.

[freakinator]

Bacon: "'Do you still support Zam? Like, what if Wemmbu tells me to kill him?' Well-- I think... personally... and maybe he-- he would probably agree with me this-- agree with me on this... I think killing Zam is not that bad. Like, how much does he care about himself being killed? It's just one heart gone. If he gets to too low he can just craft up, y'know? Like, how much does a death really matter?"

Bacon: "I think what's more important is the things that are important to Zam."

Bacon: "Like, I dunno, his friends and... actually, I don't-- but, like, even, like, that I would be fine killing them, i-it's just, like, y'know... I just don't wanna-- I wanna make Zam's life fun."

Bacon: "And sometimes... his life being fun might mean that he dies a few times."

Bacon: "'Says that as he's on four hearts.' Well, Zam is a little bit more willing to grind than me."

Bacon: "I give up a little bit faster than him. So..."

Bacon: [falls off small hill after fighting zombie] "Woah."

Bacon: "If he really does want... to grind those hearts back, he will."

Bacon: [brewing potions] "Alright... let's pop that right in there."

Bacon: "'I wanna make enrichment for him.' Yeah, I mean he's been saying the most fun he's been having... is running around in a flower field? C'mon, bro, I can give you more fun than that, y'know?"

Bacon: "'What's the point in killing Zam? He doesn't do anything.' Yeah, exactly!"

Bacon: "But, like, I wouldn't be morally against it, I think I'd just be strategically against it."

Bacon: "It'd be a waste of resources."

...

Bacon: "It's an interesting position to put yourself in."

Bacon: "You make yourself, like, just..."

Bacon: "...un-- y-y-y-- it's like..."

Bacon: "...being, uh..."

Bacon: "...it's like being, like, a poisonous animal..."

Bacon: "...except... not exactly that..."

Bacon: "It's just more, like, being like an animal that... really doesn't give you any nutrition at all, I guess."

Bacon: "Y'know, that nobody wants to eat you!"

Bacon: "I feel like you can't ask Zam to trust you and then start killing him--' I don't really care... what you guys think I can or can't do."

Bacon: "Or what Zam thinks I can or can't do."

Bacon: "That's probably what other people would say..."

Bacon: "I don't care, though!"

Bacon: "I told Zam I wouldn't lie to him... I will continue to not lie to him."

Bacon: "If I kill him, that's whatever."

Bacon: "I'm not gonna manipulate him, though."

Bacon: "...or any of that stuff."

Bacon: "I'm not gonna, like... do mental damage to him."

Bacon: "Killing him, though, whatever, he'll survive."

_____

Bacon: "'Did you not lie to him buy saying you were gonna brew potions?' Yeah."

Bacon: "I'm not gonna lie to him anymore, though."

Bacon: "Y'know, I hadn't figured it all out yet."

Bacon: "''He'll survive,' not really if you kill him.' I'm pretty sure he will survive."

Bacon: "If I try and kill him he definitely will."

.....

Bacon: [attacking a zombie] "Dude, if I start hitting you more zombies will come... and try and kill me."

Bacon: "Y'know what position you've just put me in, man?"

....

Bacon: "'Zam's like a cockroach, killing him doesn't do much.' Yeah. I guess."

Bacon: "I think killing a cockroach kinda does something. I'm pretty s-- in my limited knowledge of cockroaches, I think they do die if you kill them."

Bacon: "But... I don't know, I guess I'm not an expert."

_____

[Bacon has finished gathering obsidian for an ender chest]

Bacon: "It's true, I was getting in the potion-brewing mindset, y'know?"

Bacon: "It was all a very important step of potion-brewing."

Bacon: "I needed to get into a situation where I needed to brew potions in the first place."

Bacon: "So I wasn't even really lying to him if you think about it."

Bacon: "No-- but I'm not even gonna do those lies... y'know? 'Cause that is-- tha-- I would consider that a lie and that's some-- that's some bullshit if you're really say that that's not a lie."

Bacon: "It's important to be realistic."

[hemingwaystan]

Dipper should have taken Ford's apprentice ship offer, change my mind.

I know this is a really hot take but I want to state my argument and hopefully change some minds. This is my controversial argument, I don't want to start a flame war so try not to do any screaming hate comments although I'm down with a calm debate about it, anyways, without further ado, a really, really long essay explaining it.

First, I'm gonna take about Dipper's relationship with Mabel and the parallels between the Stans and them. Obviously, the show is kind of arguing that Dipper needs to stay with her so their relationship doesn't go the way Stans but I honestly think that's an irrelevant concern because they reconciled after Mabel-land in relation to the apprenticeship. I legitimately believe when they actually see each other, they'll love each other like they did before. Their was never a relationship ruining event like with the Stans that could force a rift, nobody closed the window and no one broke the perpetual motion machine.

Second, I want to talk about what it would be like living with Ford. Because it's definitely the most, in my eyes, reasonable argument against taking it I've seen but I still think I can prove it wrong, WITH FACTS AND LOGIC, lol. First, Ford and Dipper have already bonded deeply by the end of the show and will even more, probably like way more. That's why I think they'll look out for each other a lot more than a lot of people think. Ford has to drink water, Ford has to eat, so does Dipper, they'll just do it together. And about household accomodations, y'know like all the things a house needs to have. They'll probably have better stuff than almost anywhere else, think about Ford's lightbulb and extend that to just about all issues. And then I know what you're thinking, money, and that's definitely a hard one to crack but I imagine they'll either acquire their food through weirder locations, y'know like buying shit from the gnomes or whatever. I know this would be tough for Ford but I'm sure he'll quickly rationalize it as studying the economics of the different creatures intelligent enough to buy and sell food. I also think for standard money, in relation to the things that just doesn't cover. I think Ford, for his low-danger inventions he would happily do what McGucket did, sell some patents or produce shit on the side. Ford wants to advance knowledge and society with science. He has any number of things he could do that with while committing almost all his time to research, for example selling the patents for the scientifically perfect lightbulb. That would take care of him for an exorbitant amount of time, probably living rich for life if he cared about that, which he doesn't so non-sequitor but he will be safe.

The third argument against it I've seen is that Ford would be a bad caretaker, I think this one can be easily argued against. Because, again they have a close bond and will likely only grow closer. And I can tell you why that means so much. I'm a child of divorce and I stayed with my dad. And he wasn't a very good caretaker by any means but we looked out for each other in all the ways needed to survive. I learned how to do all the household stuff by 12. They care about each other, they're both intelligent enough to know how to keep kicking. Also, despite not appearing it Ford is clearly a caring person, the problem is people miss that due to his relationship with Stanley but that's built on decades of distrust,

The fourth possible argument is that Dipper would grow up too fast. But truth by told, growing up fast is a good thing in my eyes. You learn how to take care of yourself at a young age, you grow closer with adults by sharing many of their issues and with other people Dipper's age he can just not mention it. Also most people's innocence dies around 13 or 14, or maybe I just had a shitty childhood, who fuckin' knows.

The fifth argument against it I've seen is Dipper's social life and that is reasonable but if we follow the admitted assumption Ford will give him a fair amount of free time. He still is in with Wendy's friend group and he'll probably regularly see them after school, he'll also have Pacifica as they're relationship was improving rapidly by the end of the show and I think it's unlikely but possible he'll reconcile with Gideon given his character arc, assuming it continues after the epilogue. And Ford will probably become friends again with McGucket helping his own social life.

And now we're gonna talk about the advantages of staying with Ford. First, Dipper will probably have the intelligence of having a PhD by senior year. He'll get into a college of his choice and later in life, if not at a young age will advance the knowledge of the human race at least a fair amount. He'll have an incredibly promising life no matter what he does it just seems science is the most likely option.

Second, I absolutely love Mabel but honestly, she is kind of holding him back. He has a future and a life in front of him and he only ever sacrifices for her and she really barely does anything of the sort. She does apologize at the end but I don't remember any long-term change. I don't blame her for Weirdmagedon though.

Third, I don't know about you but a childhood spent in Gravity Falls, studying anomalies would be fucking sick. I know that's a personal opinion but honestly, wouldn't it?

Fourth, in the Book of Bill and other sources it's regularly implied that Dipper/Mabel's parents are regularly fighting and their suffering from it. A household of Ford and Dipper would be totally unstable as I won't deny Ford is rather unstable mentally although as the series goes on he seems to improve in condition with Weirdmaggedon as an exception, but like who the fuck wouldn't flip out during that but even then he maintains his composure. Dipper would be mentally safer, especially if my reasoning for fighting counter argument against apprenticeship five holds, but also, he'll be and this is an inference dodging a childhood of fighting parents and probably a bad divorce, that traumatizes people.

Thank you for reading my incredibly long rant, I'm happy to provide a counter-opinion because it seems like literally no one has yet. I really hope that the opinion he should've can become more widespread because I think it deserves to be, thank you.

[hollowsart]

I've kinda noticed something for a long while now within the writing side of tssm doc ock's little fanbase here on tumblr and on ao3 cuz the two overlap, but like..

I know people are just having fun and don't mean any harm with it, and I mean no offense to those people, but like.. I've noticed that there's some level of infantilization going on with Otto pre-accident whenever people write him and how he behaves. and then when he's post-accident it gets weirdly dark. from one extreme to the other. from stark white to stark black. no room for any real grey in there.. it's rare to see any grey shown within his character from what I've read.

the man looks to be about 35yrs old minimum (at least to me) in the show and has a phd and probably even more diplomas than that. I think that needs to be acknowledged in general, y'know? let him have his agency and autonomy..

..I went on a bit of a rant about this last night to a friend. I'll copy some of what I said last night here (mentions of 'reader' stuff cuz that's where I've seen it):

Don't get me wrong, I, too, would love to cook meals and make him feel safe and comfortable and happy and loved.. but dang. That's a grown man. He can cook his own food and stuff, too. He's been doing that for years before the reader even showed up. How else has he even survived that long?

It might not have been the best survival, but he knows enough of what he's doing.

I think Otto, regardless of whether it's before or after the incident, would very much prefer to have someone who treats him like an equal and allows him room to speak his thoughts and feelings and actually be heard and respected.

I mean.

There's been many instances in the show where Otto speaks confidently and has even said things that Norman didn't approve of. He's also tried to talk back to Norman a few times before his incident.

So he's literally not the "oh.. o-oh no.. n-no.. ah.." type like me only worse and needing to be directed and praised like a child for learning to do a simple task for the first time on their own. (I relate to pre-ock Otto in a lot of ways in how he is shown in the show. his actions and behaviors.. so I know.)

Like, even I wouldn't wanna be treated that way. Just give me encouragement and validation. Praise me like you would another adult.

..After all. some of that stuff can come off as patronizing or even demeaning even if you do mean well by it and have no ill intentions behind it. it's good to balance things out and allow the character to act on their own free will, too.

[mmmmmmmmmmmmsoup]

MAN HUNT

OC X READER

warning: violence, kidnapping, y'know... yandere stuff

this is a long ass post mind you, so get comfortable. also, this is super unedited, so bare with me.

word count: 5,323

it was 8am in the morning, you were sitting down on the couch, drinking a warm beverage, reading one of the many books within the small home library you were spending your morning in. thats when john came into the room, a man with broad shoulders, brown mid length hair and some stubble to adorn his face. if he ever chose to wear a cowboy hat and live in the south, he'd blend right in. He stood right in-front of you and dropped a big hiking backpack at your feet, it seemed to be full of stuff with small things like rope and a pocket knife clipped to the outside of it.

"whats this?" you ask, looking up at him.

"your ticket to freedom" john says with a smirk, resting his hands on his hips.

"what?"

"well for how many times you've tried to run away from our lovely home, why not make things more fun?"

you don't respond back, you just give him a blank stare waiting for him to continue.

"I'll give you a week."

"you take whatever is in this bag, and the clothes on your back, and lets really see if you can make it through these woods, without me catching you."

your shocked, not believing what you've just heard. John, for a year now has been your captor, and has dragged you to his little home deep in the woods. he says things like, he "loves you" and that you two are "meant to be together", but people who love each other don't kidnap one another and take them away from the life they were living. As stated by john, you had tried to escape before, but he was always a step ahead of you. But this could be your chance, he was giving you an opportunity, even if he rigged it, there was no way you were saying no to this.

"when do we start"

"as soon as you get dressed." john's smirk widened.

it wasn't too long until you were in your closet going through which clothes to wear. obviously you needed clothes that could handle the weather, it was that time of year when it wasn't quite fall yet, but the days started to get a bit more chilly and the leafs started their change of colour. you had found some cargo trousers and a green plaid shirt which you layered with a white tank top underneath. all items of clothing were bought by john, including the hiker shoes you were now putting on. he had bought most of the things you now own, he mainly tried to keep it within your own style, but every now and then he would buy something he wanted to see you in or thought would be good for an activity. I guess you now know why he bought this outfit.

as you got ready, you were trying to remember all the survival tips you had learned through out the years, but there wasn't much you remembered, as it never came up before.

"i'm not sure if I've ever seen you with such a pip in your step before." john says, standing in the corner of the room, leaning against the wall, watching you get ready.

you grab the backpack and go to open it up to see what john has given you and what else you may need, but thats when john grabs your hand to stop you.

"woah sugar, you can't see what I packed you until the game starts"

"but how do I know if even I need anything?", you argue.

"trust me, you have everything you'll need, right in that bag "

you let out a huff, zipping the backpack back up saying something under your breath about how the last time you trusted him, it ended with you being tied up and in the back seat of his car.

if john heard it, he didn't respond.

you throw on the backpack and clipping in the straps that went across your chest and hips for more security.

"ok. so what are the rules?"

john smiles, "its pretty simple, you get a 4 hour head start, you can't come back to the house at any moment unless you forfeit, and if you manage to get away without me catching you within the week, your free to go."

you nod your head, listening close to the rules. soon after john walks you outside to the front of the house. you take in the fresh air, the pine tree's giving of their piney smell, the sun shining through the tree's, and birds chirping their morning tune.

"ok, your next step forward is when the game starts, you sure you don't wanna give me a kiss before you leave, darlin?" john looks over at you, he was clearly joking but there was a small hint of hope in his eyes.

"Nope." you start to run in a random direction, not looking back. you weaved through the tree's and jumped over rocks, trying your best to not let yourself run out of breath.

As you ran, john stood where you left him, watching you disappear into the woods, once you were fully out of sight john headed back inside to make himself a coffee. he wasn't too worried about loosing you, he had far more experience dealing with the woods and backpacking in general. This should fun, you can finally feel a little bit more free, and he will still get his soon to be wife back by the end of the week. its like a little detox!

your running soon turned into a light jog, trying to figure out which way you should go. you couldn't see much from the forest floor as the tree's were too tall. figuring that you shouldn't just go straight and make it easy for john, you made a hard left. after a bit your jogging had turned into a fast walk and went that pace for about an hour and a half, so you think. truthfully you didn't quite know how long it had been, and you forgot to check the time before you left, a stupid mistake but nothing you could do about it now.

after what you think has been 2 hours you took a break and rested, but not without going through your back pack.

here is what john packed you:

sleeping bag

a thin sleeping matt

water bottle

water cleaning tablets

flashlight

pocket knife

rope

1 pair of clean clothes (but with 3 pairs of socks)

a light rain coat

first aid kit

tooth brush/paste

lighter

spork

small metal pot

binoculars

small bags of dried food/meal prep (but only enough for 3 days)

and a radio

what the hell? firstly, why for only three days? was he anticipating that how long you'd last? fucking prick, you'll show him, your gonna get the hell out of here and hope to the gods that you'll never have to see his face again.

but when you held the radio in your hands, you fought with your self if you should turn it on or not. what if it was tracking your location? was that something a radio could even do? you weren't sure.

despite your thoughts, you turned it on, it was on channel #1. before even thinking you held the button down and started speaking.

"hello, hello, this is Y/N L/N I'm lost in the woods and I need help"

you waited for a response... nothing.

you switched to channel #2 and did the same thing.

"HELLO, HELLO, THIS IS Y/N L/N I'M LOST IN THE WOODS AND I NEED HELP!"

still no response. you nearly went through all the channels saying the same thing and still nothing, no sign of another person.

that's until you got to the last channel, channel #25. you spewed your cry for help and waited, the next thing you know you hear the sounds of someone picking up the call.

"hey darlin, miss me already? it hasn't even been a full 2 hours yet" your stomach dropped, it was john on the other end. you could practically hear his sly smirk.

it took you a while to respond not sure what to say.

"oh? did you get all shy and bashful on me? don't forget, you called me, sugar." john chuckled through the radio

"are you tracking me with this? that doesn't seem fair." you ask

"no no, I'm not doing anything like that, would ruin the fun. the radio is just there incase you hurt yourself and you need help... or if you get lonely on these cold nights" john laughs

your quick to switch off the radio, and put everything back in your bag. you heard everything you needed to know, he had also mentioned that it hadn't even been 2 hours yet. the anxiety of time was getting to you, you didn't want to get caught on the first night. so you started moving, back into the pace of a light jog.

john on the other hand was delighted to hear from you, he didn't think you would actually use the radio, this soon too. he was taking his time getting ready, he gave himself four hours but was more likely to leave a little later then that. He wanted this to last a little longer then 2 days and also wanted you to squirm a little, make you feel uncomfortable, and who knows, maybe after this you won't want to leave his side.

-time skip-

it had been hours, definitely past the 4 hour mark. the sun was starting to go down, and you needed to figure out where you were gonna sleep. you looked around, there was a log near by. the log would be good place to rest your head on and had a little area that would be good for a fire, so thats where you unpacked your backpack and set up for the night. you went around grabbing bits of wood and sticks, really anything that could light on fire, you weren't new to making a campfire, but you also didn't practice very much, you knew what you needed its just putting it together was the problem. you grabbed the lighter from your bag and stood your sticks into a tipi shape, putting things like dried leafs and or moss in the middle.

half an hour later, you were just about to throw in the towel and go to bed early, but luckily your little tipi finally caught a flame and you had a little fire to warm you and your food.

you grabbed the little metal pot from your bag and one of the prepped meals. it was all dried food so you would have to add moisture by adding some water. you only added half of the food into the pot, thinking to save the rest for another night, grabbing your water bottle you add a rough estimate of 4 table spoons of water to the pot. your water bottle was already half empty from the day, thinking you'll have to find some form of water will be tomorrows goal. you took your spork, mix your ingredients, and heat it over the fire. it wasn't not long until you realize the mixture is porridge, plain but food non the less.

after you ate all of your food, you licked the pot clean, so it wouldn't attract animals or be harder to cook for the next time. you were just about to set up your bed when you had a thought.

'what if john finds me while I'm sleeping? what if the light of the fire is giving away my location at this very moment?'

with that thought you scramble to pack all of your things, despite that the sun is almost being gone. you throw you backpack on and starting kicking dirt onto your fire and stomping it to make it go out. after your sure the fire won't re-lit it's self you hurry to move from your location.

'I still have to sleep, I can't expect to win this with zero energy' you think to yourself as you frantically look for another place to rest. but as you look around each spot looks the same and equally just as easy to get caught in. you sling your head back facing the sky, huffing out in frustration, you can already feel the tears forming. if give the sky one more good look before the sun is fully gone, you just see tree's.

...that's it. the tree's.

you ripped you backpack off, digging for your flashlight and some rope. you sling the rope around your arm and hold the flashlight between your teeth, while putting the backpack back on. your gonna spend your night in a tree.

you find a tree your pretty confident climbing, you start grabbing branch after branch raising yourself higher from the forest floor. once you feel like your high enough, you grab your rope and tie it around the trunk of the tree and with the other end tie around your waist. just incase you fall while sleeping. slinging your bag so it's in your lap, you grab your sleeping bag and somehow shimmy yourself into it. not the most comfortable, but the branches of the pine tree hide you from the outside world and also help keep heat in. as you try to doze off you think about how you got in this situation.

you were just a normal person who had just moved to the big city, you were lonely and looking for people to be friends with. so when john came through the door of your work place talking you up, you were more then glad to chat back. and at some point john was no longer the regular at your work, he was your friend, and you two hung out with each on your days off. you went rock climbing together, restaurants and cafe's, a few hikes here and there, just whatever was available. and one day after dinner together, john had asked you if he could show you something, just out of town. of course you agreed, he was your friend and hadn't shown any red flags at the time. but once you two past the city and kept driving, you were starting to get cold feet. you had insisted john turn around, and it got to the point you were screaming "JOHN IM NOT KIDDING, TURN THE CAR AROUND, THIS IS TOO FAR OUT". He insisted he just wanted to show you something very important, but everything in your head was screaming at you to get out. you remember grabbing for the door handle, despite the car still in fast motion, thats when john yoinked your hand back and pulled over, slamming the breaks. before you know it, your tied up, sitting in the back seat, with your mouth tapped shut. what a horrid memory, and the idea that you may have to relive that again.... just foul.

-time skip-

at the crack of dawn when the birds started to sing was when you woke up, you were glad to find yourself in the same spot as to when you fell asleep, but man... you felt like shit. you got as much sleep as you would think you'd get, sleeping in a tree, which is very little.

you shimmy out of your sleeping bag, fold it back into your pack, along with putting away the flashlight and untying the rope and clipping it back to your bag. As you climbed back down to the forest floor, you tried to keep an eye out for signs of someone being near by, non to your knowledge.

todays goal was as yesterday's, get as far away from john and that dam prison he's been keeping you in. but also, to find some sort of body of water, as you were starting to run low. you headed in a direction opposite from where you came from, and as you walked, it actually was kind of nice. breathing in the fresh morning air, watching the sun slowly rise above your head, at one point you even saw some deer. you'd hate to say it, but you were enjoying it.

-time skip-

hours had passed, with you keeping a good pace of jogging and speed walking, you felt confident about the distance between you and john, but you did begin to worry about finding water, wondering if you were even heading in the right direction of finding any. 20 minutes later however, that worry melted away. you could hear the sounds of rushing water, and in the direction you were walking, the tree's started to part ways. once you walked up to the tree line you saw a river, rushing bright blue water straight from the mountains. you find a rocky beach area where you can sit and collect some water, dipping you water bottle into the ice cold river. you grab one of the tabs in your bag, supposedly your suppose to drop 1 tab in your bottle and it cleans any dirty water and makes it safe to drink. after the tab dissolves and you shake it real well, you take a drink.

you don't think you've ever had water quite so refreshing.

as you take this time to re-gain your energy, you grab a granola bar from your bag, and munch down on it. it's not along after a chipmunk starts making it's way to you, clearly smelling your food.

you argue with yourself, if you should share with the cute animal, or safe it for yourself. in the end, you decided it wouldn't hurt you if you gave the chipmunk one small peanut from your bar. you placed the peanut in your hand and reached out to the it. the chipmunk was obviously sceptical of your donation, but it only took a minute until he was eating right out of your hand. you couldn't help but smile and enjoy the moment.

... that was until you heard a snap from the right of you.

you didn't move, and you tried your best to keep smiling, but in the corner of your eye, you saw him.

it was a shadowy figure hiding within the tree's and bushes, definitely human shaped. it couldn't be anyone else but him.

he wasn't moving towards you though, just hunched down, watching.

you could hear your heart beat in your hears, you struggled to keep your breath steady.

you slowly started to pack your belongs and act as if you didn't know he was there, and as you did you grabbed the pocket knife that was clipped onto your backpack.

you clipped yourself into your backpack, so everything was secure, you took a deep breath...

you ran.

back into the tree line, and in the opposite direction of your captor. you didn't dare look back, and you didn't need to, you could hear shuffling from behind you, of something moving through the bushes caching up to you.

you weaved through tree's, hoping to loose him, at on point you were running along side the river. trying to find any means of escape you saw some rocks almost making a bridge across the river.

you went for it. jumping rock to rock, and as you almost make it across, something grabs your backpack from behind, it pushes you down, half of your body landing on the rocks, the other half of you landing in the freezing cold water. john also in the same position as you, but with a grip on your bag.

"hey honey, long time no see. you were looking real cute back there, acting like a Disney princess, princess" john tried to keep a cool expression, but being dipped in freezing cold water wasn't exactly the plan, and you could see him cringe at the temperature change.

you tried to yank his hand away from your bag, but it wouldn't budge. you could only move so much unless you wanted to fully submerged in the water and taken down stream.

and john just kept talking, "y'know, I didn't think you'd spot me, but I guess thats why I like you... just full of surprises!"

john starts moving, trying to reach you with his other hand, hoping to pull you back on land with him. that's when you open you pocket knife. swinging the knife towards him, you manage to cut the palm of his free hand. he hisses in pain and lets go of you to cup his now bleeding hand, that's when you kick him over the rocks and fully into the water, he tries to grab at you, but the current takes him away before he can. your quick to stand up, not bothering to watch him float away, you begin to run. your soaked and cold to the bone, but you don't care, running is the only thing on your mind.

-time skip-

it had been... maybe 2 hours now? 2 hours of you strictly running, the sun was starting to go down, and you could feel your body yearn for warmth. you found a spot surrounded by wild rose bushes, so if anyone was in the area, you would be able to hear them first before they saw you, plus the thorns would give you a little more protection against people or animals.

you sparked a fire, a little faster then the night before, and soon you began to strip, taking off your wet clothes and laying them near the fire to dry, you grabbed the clean pair in your backpack. you also snuggled into your sleeping to try to warm up faster, while making food. after eating the rest of your porridge, you snuffed out your fire just enough so no flame or light was giving away your location, but enough that the coals and ash were still warm and hopefully would keep you warm through the night.

it didn't take you long to fall asleep, exhausted from chaise.

mean while john had managed to swim himself to shore 20 minutes after being swept away by the river. his hand was still bleeding but the water and washed most of it away, luckily it wasn't too deep of a cut, but infection was still a possible outcome. he cut his losses for the day, figuring you had probably ran pretty far already, not to mention the how far the river took him down, away from you. he was quick to set up camp, make a fire and dry his clothes. just like you, he also had a backpack full of anything he needed. sadly most of his stuff was pretty soaked and he had to lay out all of it in hopes it would dry before he went to sleep. luckily the radio was water proof so, that was still able to work. and while he was waiting for his things to dry and his food to cook, he figured he'd see if your radio was on.

"hey sweetness" he sang "you there?"

he waited for a response, but got nothing.

"I guess even if her's was on, she might be pretty mad at me for what I just tried to pull" john chuckled to himself.

"that's ok though, let her be mad, then after she can come home with me and be my darlin little wife"

john starts twirling his finger in the dirt, as he's dreaming of the day you two are married, then have kid together, and maybe another one if it works out.

he just couldn't help it, you just so beautiful, with such a strong spirit too, willing to fight for what's yours. your just a little confused and don't realize this life he's set up for the two of you, is your life. your new one, better life.

but that's why he was doing all of this, to make you realize you belong to him are meant to be together.

-time skip-

you woke around the same time as the day before, but this time you had a way better sleep. most of your stuff was pretty dry, a few damp patches but nothing too bad. feeling rested you packed your things and started your journey, you were on day 3 and still had a good amount of food and a full water bottle. part of you wanted to head back to the river and follow it down to hopefully a town or something, so you would have consistent water supply, but that was the direction john was and you didn't want to run into him again...if he was still alive.

was he still alive?

I mean that last time you saw him, he got swept up by the river, plenty of people have died in similar situations. if he was dead, it would then be safe to head in whatever direction you wanted

"mmm" you let yourself think for a bit, wondering what you should do.

you end up digging for your radio in your bag, you didn't want to call out to him, but for the sake of directions, you needed to know if he was alive or not.

"hello? anyone there?", you wait for a response.

....

"well shoot, if I didn't know any better, I would think that your checking up on me, darlin. you worried about me?" you hear john speak through the radio.

and that's all you needed to hear, he was alive, which meant you were gonna go up stream, rather then down.

"sugar? don't leave me hanging, I-" before he could finish his sentence and probably call you another pet name, you turned the radio off and tucked it back into your bag"

-time skip-

today was well paced and didn't run into any issues. the only reason for that though is probably cause john is trying to catch up, you didn't know how far the river took him after all.

but still no sign of a town or another human, just woods and more woods. you flipped through the other radio channels seeing if it had picked up on any new radios, still none.

you set up for the night, next to a mossy log that had fallen over some time ago. you had dug into your second bag of rations, only eating half of it so you could eat the rest for tomorrow.

and while you started getting ready for bed john, was still making his way towards you. he spent all day trying to find your tracks and on some sort of luck, he did. unknown to either of you john still had a good while to go until he reached you, but he knew if he moved while you slept, it was more likely for him to catch up faster.

-time skip-

day 4, and the sun rises once more. you awake and just like the last few days, your quick to pack up and be on the move. except theres a chill in the air, you can see your breath, and once you take a closer look around you, theres a light layer of frost covering the forest ground. it was pretty to see, how the sun shined on the plants and made everything sparkle. but that was enough looking around, you had to remind yourself that a loved obsessed psycho was after you.

you continue walking for about an our now, watching all the frost slowly melt from the sun's gaze, but you should have been paying more attention, cause if you were, you would have seen the rope you were about to pull with your foot.

the second it happened, you looked down and felt your stomach drop. 'shit.'

your immediately wrestled to the ground, landing on your belly, your feet being the first thing to be tied up. you try kicking john off of you, and although you hit him a few times, he doesn't let go. you try to rip your backpack off, so you can grab your pocket knife, but after tying you feet john quickly pins your arms to your sides.

'it was stupid to put the knife away.'

with all your might you try to get him off of you, and you do! but with you feet tied together, you can only crawl away from him. its not long till john grabs you by the boots and drags you closer to him, your fingers digging into the dirt.

"NO! NO! GET OFF OF ME!" you scream in full panic.

john throws your backpack to the side and starts to tie your hands behind your back. you begin to cry.

"NO PLEASE! LET ME TRY AGAIN, I CAN DO IT! I WAS SO CLOSE!"

your reliving your nightmare once more, not able to stop screaming and the tears from falling.

the next thing you know john stabs something into your neck, a syringe. the world starts to become fuzzy and your body feels heavy.

"it's ok darlin, don't cry. you did your best, but now you get to come home with me and lay in a comfy bed, with warm food, and running water." john caresses your cheek as he speaks to you.

you try to deny his words, but it just comes out as mumbles and soft little no's. john can't help but chuckle at the state your in, so harmless and weak.

-time skip-

you wanna say you remember how john got you back to his house, but you can't. he probably drugged you the whole trip, so you wouldn't struggle. but the next time you woke up, not drugged out of your mind, you were in the familiar bed you dreaded.

you had failed, you had one shot, and you fucking failed. this was gonna be your life, trapped in the woods with a man that was utterly insane.

for the rest of the year, you were gloomy a shell of who you once were. if john wanted to cuddle, you did without a fight. which made john partly happy, but he also missed that spark you had, the very thing he fell in love with. it wasn't till the seasons started changing once more, just between summer and fall until john dropped the same backpack in front of your feet and game you the same opportunity.

he tells you that, "it was so fun last year, why not do it again?"

and so you did, every year, and every year he caught you, but every year you got better and closer to escaping. learning to skills, reading more books about things like wild berries or how to tell which way is north.

it was weird, cause it kept you in line for majority of the year, doing most of the things john asked of you, but you had your spark back, you had something to look forward to.

there was a year where you had ran into a bear, and john fought it off for you, or the year you figured out which direction you needed to head for the best out come. there was a year you had managed to last 6 days before john caught you, your personal best.

but as the years went past, john eventually fulfilled his wish of starting a family with you. the year you were pregnant john refused to let you leave the house, and doted on you like a butler would to royalty, which wasn't too different even when you weren't pregnant. but you had thought that, that was the end for you and your chance at freedom was gone. but once your child had turned 1 year old, john dropped the familiar backpack at your feet once more.

except this time you had to take the child with you, or not go at all.

risk the health of your child? or risk your freedom?

what an awful choice to make.

the end.

how was that ya'll? was it too long, did i string it out for too long in some parts? pls tell me

[leiflitter]

gimme ur farliegh headcanons my boy deserves a little love

Farleigh stuff! Keeping this vaguely charactery stuff vs any particular canon.

Under the cut as per for anything vaguely NSFW.

He makes snap judgements about people. He's always had to; it's a survival skill for him. He will admit when he was wrong, but he doesn't like doing it unless he can be all smug about it. "I thought you were interesting... Seems I was wrong."

He is also a fucking pro at Making Friends, but he considers friendships as temporary. He will be moving on at Some Point and he cannot care about that.

The only permanent friendships are Felix and Venetia, but he also can't stand them 90% of the time because they do not understand how easy they have it. That first year was the first time it ever actually came up properly- the begging bowl conversation- and Felix's reaction was really, really painful for him.

He waited for Felix or Venetia to text him after The Email Incident. When they didn't, he decided that they didn't need to know what Oliver had done. They could keep that weird little psycho.

He actually really liked Pamela, but he would never actually say anything about it.

He is openly and clearly pansexual. Felix tells everyone he's gay. "Felix, I have told you, I'm pan." "Isn't that just gay with, y'know, some tits added in, Farls?"

He only sucked off ONE teacher and actually he was a student teacher and Farleigh was in his final year so it wasn't even that bad.

Farleigh's actual explusion reasons include (but are not limited to) plagiarism, lewd behaviour, making the headmaster have a nervous breakdown, and drugs.

He is very protective over his mother, who is more like a sister to him. She's honestly useless, but Farleigh's been off Being Educated so he's only been parentified from a distance.

Clothes are his armour as much as his snark.

He and Oliver didn't actually have sex; the spit was because Farleigh is circumcised and ngl that's not super common in England. Oliver did do some between the thighs stuff, but look. Oliver Quick is many things, but he's a 19 year old repressed weirdo. The dude is not getting anything up there.

[garaks-huge-naturals]

the frustrating aromantic representation of chuck tingle's "bury your gays"

i feel like i should preface this by saying that i'm a huge chuck tingle fan and, representation aside, i greatly enjoyed his book. so this is not like, a hate take down. this will contain spoilers for bury your gays, you are warned.

the parts i have issues with will be more towards the end and are marked.

a quick synopsis: misha is a queer horror writer who is told to either kill off his gay characters after getting them together, or let them live and be straight (for the algorithm, ratings, etc). while he is reeling from this he begins being stalked by the monsters/villains of his past works. plot happens and these monsters are really nanobot contractions from his studio's fx company. misha survives these attempts on his life (and his boyfriend's and best friend's), eventually giving a heartfelt award speech about the need for a shift towards queer joy. when he comes back to work the entire studio is like decked out in pride flags and the now stereotypically gay management tells him that queer is IN! even better, it's profitable (according to the algorithm). but these nanobots are still out there. so they go to the fx studio to insert a virus that takes them down, the best friend, tara, being an unprecedented aroace that the algorithm has no information on due to a lack of content, is able to circumvent the nanobots and take them down!! happy ending!! yippee!!

i'll be going in order of the book, touching on the times where tara's identity is relevant

tara's aspecness is established almost immediately when she says "you know i don't swing that way...i don't swing any way, baby." classic aspec joke, i have no issue with this.

its first explicit mention is on page 42, "tara is aromantic and asexual, which has always made me appreciate her take on relationship advice." ok this part is so real. we are so good at that.

ok now we get into the main stuff. Tara says, "do you realize how hard it is to tell your parents you're asexual?" this part is true, and in comparison to misha coming out as gay. and i really appreciate it highlights the strange societal position aspecs are in!! it's hard to affirm an identity defined by a lack. and even harder for baby wanting parents to accept an identity that is largely incompatible with the nuclear family model. as this is in reference to like sex -> having a child, mentioning just the asexuality makes sense. but it is still weird to not mention how hard explaining aromanticism would be considering aces can more easily have straight passing relationships. let's begin a tally: ace mentions: 2, aro mentions: 1.

(!) time skip we are now towards the end. misha is giving his heartfelt speech, "i call on all of you to usher in a new era of stories where the gay, or bi, or lesbian, or asexual, or pansexual, or trans character lives happily ever after. buy those stories. make those stories profitable." we are now entering the territory here i begin to get a little angry. fandoms and drama in shows are so closely tied with romance. they are profitable. they are like, the lifeblood of ao3, etc. people also have this notion that you need a partner to be happy, and that this is a universal goal. so characters and story arcs that stray away from this tend to be, y'know, less profitable. and since this is extremely relevant to aromanticism as an identity and important to debunk, the lack of a mention of aromanticism is frankly stunning. our stories are not wanted, we have no characters to live happily ever after. because we are not profitable. we don't get that joy. so where are we? this is a nitpick but i find it strange that misha would forget to mention like, entirely half of his friend's identity. ace mentions: 3, aro mentions: 1

(!!!) this is the most egregious part to me. when i read this part i was genuinely so stunned that i started crying. ok so i've established that aros have very little representation. it is a fact that there is less aro representation than ace representation. especially in regards to non-ace aros. "there's a hero clad in pink, purple, and blue, the bi one...this continues on and on until every aspect of the community has been covered...tara steps up next to me, her eyes locked on the poster. "there' no asexual hero...they've got everyone up there besides an ace character...every fucking time." ok. so. a lack of representation for aspecs is like a Thing That We All Know. as also established, aros are not algorithm friendly, so i just see no plausible way that there is aro representation but not ace representation. and there's just this like, poetic irony to this. that aros are so forgotten, so uncared for, that the author of the fucking book forgot to even mention them. because there are three ways this shakes out here. either there is an aro in the line up and dr. tingle deprived us of the validation we need to justify our anger for a lack of representation (which effects us all but aros more). or he just straight up forgot to include us. or he's grossly conflating the two identities. there's no good option. anyway. ace mentions: 5, aro mentions: 1

here we have yet another mention of tara being ace, yet not aro, "my name's tara. i'm the asexual in the corner everyone's been ignoring." would be funny if aromanticism hadn't been grossly ignored once again. ace mentions: 6, aro mentions: 1

(!!!) time for tara to save the day (girlboss). "just pull up all the information you have on asexual and aromantic heroes...oh wait, that's gonna be pretty fucking difficult because there are almost no human asexual heroes represented in popular media, are there." like actually like the fuck. what the fuck. there are so little aro heroes that the author forgot about the one he had!! there are so little aro heroes that the author fucking forgot to mention how few there are. incredible. ace mentions: 10, aro mentions: 2 (ace mentions not quoted here but part of the rant)

so. thats the end of the book. it seems to me that dr. tingle might be a little confused. he's been a great supporter in the past of the aspec community. but there is a pattern of aro erasure in this book that frankly, pisses me off! but wait, there is more!

dr. tingle. babygirl. bestie. what the fuck is this? op explicitly said aroace character. and what do you do? you reblog with only an ace flag. do you not remember your character's own identity? or do you not acknowledge aros outside or aces? let's look at some more quotes from this post.

wow thanks for the solidarity dr. tingle (like, actually)!

what is this? whoopty fucking doo! aros totally dropped after their initial mention? again! but there is simply no precedent for this!!

i'd like to end this with a quote by dr. tingle.

glad you remembered the aces. maybe next time, remember the marginalized people you leave behind.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Funny how just 5 years later it's finally downing on me that Louis can get his tongue cut– that if he does, he'll *never* speak again. And how much he probably thinks about all the times everyone told him they wished he'd shut up, how annoying he was, how his jokes are stupid, his singing sucks, etcetera etcetera. Not just him, I wonder how guilty everyone feels about saying all that stuff.

For the others, does he resent them? And for him, are they glad? Is there a part in all of them that think 'finally'?

And it's taken me this long to try and assimilate just how absolutely horrifying the situation actually is. we don't know how they did it but we can imagine, and it's not pretty. It's mutilation- pure torture. I know it's a videogame or whatever but everytime I think of Louis in that cell, dried blood running down his mouth and all the way down his chest, I feel sick, genuinely sick.

I was reading one of your old fics yesterday and it got me thinking, that's why Im rambling here on your asks. But yeah, no-tongue Louis should be non existent and considered a crime or something

Oh yeah, it's rough. It's brutal. I hate it.

I've only let Louis get captured a handful of times in all the years I've played TFS because 1. I'm clouis trash and I need them to be happy together in the end no matter the cost, and 2. I cannot handle Louis in the cells, I can't. He's my favorite character in all of TWDG, I don't want that to happen to him especially when I know I have the power to prevent it.

To be honest, I tend to pretend that outcome just doesn't exist. If I ignore it, it can't hurt me haha.

Don't get me wrong, I like a dose of angst in my fiction. I like tragedies. I like symbolic downfalls. I like recovery arcs. There's a lot of potential with the route where Louis isn't saved and he loses his tongue...

...But Louis is in a special category of characters where I'm like, "No, fuck you, he gets to survive and be happy! He gets to be understood! He gets to be loved!"

I think a lot of feelings come from it being a consequence of choice, too, y'know? Louis losing his tongue is only one outcome, one you can prevent. It all depends on who you save at the end of ep2. It's on you, and you can try to be like "noooo shut up, it's actually Louis' fault he got his tongue cut out because he wouldn't shut up!" when it's your fault he got taken in the first place, like... that's the game. Your choices have consequences and you can deny or justify them all you want... but in the end, you did it. You started the butterfly effect with your decision.

I also think this is why people get heated in fandom debates because "how could you NOT save Louis knowing he gets his tongue cut out, you monster!?"

I dunno, how can you not save Violet knowing that you'll find her blind on the beach? You monster?

Both outcomes are bad, it's just up to the player on which they feel is "better" or "worse."

We justify it to ourselves. We defend our choices. But that makes the choice all the more powerful, no? I save Louis knowing what fate Violet will meet. I trust AJ knowing Tenn will die on the bridge. I save Louis every time because in a game series where most of my favorite characters don't get happy endings [because they're fucking dead], I'll do everything I can to make sure Louis gets one.

I can handle an outcome with blinded Violet. As bad as it sounds, I can stomach that. I can find some hope in a recovery arc for her, and I can deal with her and Clementine having a rockier relationship after everything that happened on the boat. I can take comfort in the idea that Violet's going to survive with the help of people who care about her.

I can live with Tenn's death. It sucks, it hurts, it's bullshit... but I can live with it.

I can't handle Louis losing his tongue. There is no stomaching that for me, y'know? He's such a crucial part of Clementine and AJ's story for me that I can't fathom her not saving him in that moment during the raid, just as I can't fathom Louis without his tongue.

[dee-the-red-witch]

This originally posted here a few days ago for members, but I wanted to also release here as audio- for one, it has some beautiful quotes and poetry in there, and for another, it's more where I'm really at- disconnected, discombobulated, spun around and trying to figure out which way to go next and what of the million things I need to be moving forward on, but hopeful and feeling better despite all of that. Text of the original post to follow:

Transition Notes Part Five: Final Girl? Monster?

This got started a few months ago as two different posts in my drafts. I'm including these bits here because they're relevant to a chunk of what I'll be talking about. Shame patreon doesn't give me dates from when I start a post, just the date I last looked at the edits, which for both was a few months ago. I'm just gonna label them "Earlier" for the one post, and "quotes" for the other, since the second post was largely me shoving quotes together for a later analysis. Also a "Now" tag for the current additions. Is it a jumbled mess? Yes. But that's also very much where my brain is at this point, so it makes a kind of sense. Plus, it unintentionally flows, so I'm going with it.

Earlier: My hair touches shoulders constantly now. I've never had hair this long in my life, and despite the curl, it is constantly in contact with my shoulders or my upper back depending on how I sit, and it's amazing. I'm also in crisis and have been for a few months. Getting regularly paralyzed by executive dysfunction while being trans (and having some of the concurrent Life Events that happen when you're trans) seems to have that effect. And so help me, though parts of this are going to sound like me complaining about my life, I'm not just jotting stuff down to vent or get sympathy, but hopefully more so other folks can learn from it.  Quotes: The monster is a liminal creature embodying the very boundaries humans have overreached. The identification of something as monstrous denotes its place outside and beyond social norms and values. Such extraordinary warnings or reminders proceed from divine power to humankind when they have transgressed, or are about to transgress, the limits of what humans are supposed or rather allowed to do. -Daniela Carpi, Monsters and Monstrosity

Now: I'm moved. I've been living in my own apartment for over a week now and settling in. It's... different. Better. Safer. I still end up breaking down in tears on a daily basis over feeling alone, or grieving what I left, or realizing and just starting to come to terms with some of the trauma I'd been living with and covering up, or just for making the choices I had to for my own survival. This is a better place. I feel safe here. I'm worried as hell about everything I sacrificed to get here and how I'm going to be able to keep it. Quotes:

"They made a monster of Medusa as well. Hated how loud her trauma was. Couldn’t believe she had the audacity not to take it lying down. They made a war-ground of her body so she made one of theirs." -Trista Mateer, Aphrodite Made me Do It

Now: I know I'm going to be called a monster for it by people at various points. I've already seen a few of the people my ex is still friends with come right up to it without actually saying it. People will choose the narrative they want, the people they stick or agree with, and just who to demonize in any given situation. I can't help any of that. All I could do was take actions that could easily get seen as being monstrous, while at the same time, being one of the only paths I could secure to staying alive. You're either the monster or the final girl, and sometimes the one looks like the other. But y'know, when I wrote this months and months ago on tumblr:

I didn't think I was writing it about myself at the time.

Earlier: I knew my odds when I came into this. Too many trans stories of heartbreak from friends as they cut people out of their lives, lost relationships and more. I knew how common it was. I wasn't expecting all of it myself, but it's where I'm at. Final Girl mode. The realization that you're very likely going to have to be walking out of the movie alone at the end right before the credits.  Now: I knew the odds going in. It had been one of the facts that haunted me and kept me from coming out before. A conservatively placed 70% of marriages where one partner comes out as a trans woman after the fact end in divorce. Often very badly, with the woman in question finding herself homeless, alone, and dying on the streets without resources or any kind of network to fall back on. I came out thinking I was safe from that after my oldest kid had had a fairly smooth go of it. Turns out, I was wrong, very wrong, like a lot of people are. I ended up with three very real choices- wait and try to make it work, and see the all too stereotypical story play out. Wait until my surgeries were done with, and likely end up with massive complications and health problems because I'd still be having to push myself like mad to take care of and support more people than just me. Or get out and get out as soon as I possibly could. Obviously, I went for the last option. So, why write this? Because I know at least half of you are cis or unfamiliar with the transfem side of the experience. Because people need to know that this stuff happens, still, even in today's somewhat more accepting climate. Because I needed to exorcise all this before I felt like I could move on to newer things. And the biggest, the number one thing that I want anyone to take from this? Because I wouldn't undo any of it. If I could somehow snap my fingers, re-boy myself and make no-one the wiser, slip the denial blinders back over my own eyes and all... I wouldn't do it in the slightest. This is what I'll be moving forward from, even if I am currently hurt and just scrambling forward, I'm still moving and surviving. And I will make it out through all of this in the end.

[marshmallowprotection]

Mystictober Day 13

Mystictober 2024 | Day 13: VanderwoodxMC/Secret

"You better stop eyeing me like that."

"Why? I can't help but feel curious about you. You’ve worked with Saeyoung for years, and as much as you try to hide it, I know you care about him a lot. Even when your life's on the line, you do as much as possible for his sake. You might value yourself first in this dog-eat-dog world, but I don't think you can hide how much you care about him."

"There's not much to learn."

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true. You've just been suffocating yourself for so long to survive in a tough environment, Mr. Vanderwood. There is plenty about you to learn, but it seems you might need to learn about yourself all over again, just like the rest of us."

Vanderwood scoffed.

It made sense for someone like you to think on the bright side of the world. You saw sunshine and roses anywhere you went, not different from that lover boy of yours, he thought. You wanted to find good in all sorts of places, even in spaces that were dark and ruined by time and grief. He couldn't believe in that crap anymore, they'd beaten it out of him a long time ago.

But, he couldn't deny that you had a point.

He didn't have to do half the stuff he did for that brat. But, his damn eyes... they'd been so lifeless when they first met. It reminded him of how he looked after the agency took him in. He knew he would save his own ass first if it came down to it, if he protected every kid who'd been forced into the agency, he would've died like his predecessor... and they told him to survive first.

He would survive... no matter what.

Vanderwood just never thought he would have to learn how to survive in a different way... in a different world. A world that he'd assumed was long gone. He never thought he would be able to... comfortably exist without a weapon against the back of his head.

"I don't know a life outside of the agency," he eventually said. It was his only way of settling his thoughts. "I have family out there, people who probably missed me for what it's worth, but I wouldn't know how to open up a door I closed a long time ago."

"I didn't know how to talk to Saeyoung, y'know," Saeran said, his voice blanketing the space around them as he entered the room with a tiny quirk on his brow. "I pretended to be asleep for two days because... I didn't know how to talk to him properly. I missed him but how do you talk after it's been years since you last spoke? [Y/N] taught me that it doesn't matter what you say, it's that you say something at all."

He snorted, "Even if it's a lame 'hello'?"

"It wouldn't be lame if they missed you," you said.

God, Vanderwood hated being around people who believed in light and hope all the time... it almost made him believe, too.