#The stuff people need to... y'know... survive??

[lucabyte]

i'm so curious about your character gender reads now tho 👀👀

(You enter the kitchen and see me, eating shredded cheese out of the fridge by the handful)

(I turn around to face you.)

Hi. Do you want me to sell you on amab NB Siffrin? I'm going to try and sell you on amab NB Siffrin. And maybe even a little bit of tranfem siffrin and/or loop. as a treat. just for you.

So, (I put the cheese back in the fridge.)

This read of mine comes from a number of things, a lot of them to do with the game's themes, and to do with Siffrin being a narrative foil to the other characters. And Vaugarde as a whole.

(READMORE WARNING: THIS IS LIKE 6K WORDS LONG. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW BY NOW I DON'T MAKE POSTS WITHOUT UNCONSCIOUNABLE AMOUNTS OF EVIDENCE AND EXPLANATION. IF ANYTHING I'M BEING RESTRAINED HERE. THUMBS UP.)

(Pre-readmore note: this is in response to me having given an analysis of how I personally percieve Sifloop in relation to asexuality and shipping. Which you can look at here. (x))

It is however, not what my like, no-holds-barred no-rules just-for-me headcanon for Siffrin would be. (which is intersex 'head empty no thoughts' siffrin, for the record). This is instead my close-reading-of-the-text-and-themes interpretation of Siffrin. This is why I'm gonna be saying Read and not Headcanon, to distinguish the two. (Anything I consider a little bit too much of a stretch vis a vis interpretive hard reads I will call a headcanon. But those are for the last bit of this post.)

Unlike *gestures at mass media* All That… ISAT is already packed to the gills with queer rep, to the point where I feel no need to grasp at straws and make overextended reaches into obviously unintended subtext. Like with, y'know, most media. Since here, the subtext isn't unintended. Like this isn't a Transfem Metal Sonic or Aroace Ash Ketchum situation where I know none of the evidence is on purpose and I'm just having fun making a conspiracy theory pinboard out of it. This is like… There's intentionality there. And I want to engage with it on its level, see what the text itself suggests. It's my personal preferred method of expressing deep respect to a text. (Not that it has to be anyone else's, obviously. This is just my way of showing I love a work.)

So yeah, I am, in general, very interested in hearing hard-fought arguments when it comes to interpreting texts. I'm glad ISAT has a lot to pick at here, and so, I will. (and since not a lot of texts ever have anywhere near this kind of depth in this arena, i don't wanna squander it… i'll try and keep my own biases as in check as i can, and already have done by hashing quite a bit of this interpretation out with two people of very different gender identities to mine. To put it mildly, binary-aligned or transfem I am very squarely Not.)

(Now that the cheese bag has been removed from the equation, I drop this framing device, sit you down at the table and begin to dredge up evidence from below it.)

Okay, so. What are my like… Core reasonings here? I think I can split it into three categories. Broadly, with an amount of overlap, so bear with me…

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Okay so up top I'm going to split my argument for Siffrin's gender identity Present and Future here. This means, for now, I'm arguing for AMAB NB Siffrin alone. The transfem stuff is for later (and more for loop, in my mind, too).

I have a few direct observations of the text here that set things up. Here are the things in-game that make me assume that Siffrin, as of the start of the game, has not yet undergone any radical change to their identity in their life. Not on purpose, at least. These are ordered in a messy but logical flow, so uh, try and keep up. I'll synthesise at the end. I Prommy.

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

CHANGE & THE UNIVERSE: PERCEIVED OPPOSITES

When interacting with most objects in the Changing Room in the house, they express a genuine curiosity toward body craft. It seems they are legitimately unfamiliar with it on a deeper level than having simply heard of it.

Despite this curiosity (explicitly stating they've previously wondered about it), they dismiss it as too much work early on in the game. These points combined seem to suggest to me that they have never previously sought out any kind of real change to their appearance or identity. Either for gender reasons, or other body dysmorphia reasons. (Which, despite the dismissal, they do refer to their body as a 'meat prison', which is not particularly positive) However...

This changes in Act 3. In acts 3 and 4 they flatly state: "You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now." While still never spoken aloud, their declining mental state corrosponds with a worn-down, almost nihilistic reckoning with the feelings they masked with the 'meat prison' joke in act 2.

[Image: Interactions with the change craft textbook in acts 2 and 3/4.]

In talking to Mirabelle, they are very self assured that one can stay the same/be comfortable with their born identity. They also seem a little unsettled by the change religion's flippancy in general, which makes sense, as they have been clinging to the famliar (even when painful) to cope with other traumas. (More on this later, section 2)

The Universe Faith appears to heavily disincentivise Wanting for oneself and other expressions of Free Will due to safeguarding against Wish craft. This seems to have impacted Siffrin's mental state majorly, even if they do not recognise it. The followers of the faith are (if Siffrin is to be believed) incentivised to 'go with the flow' and take paths of least resistance, and those that DO make big decisions will tend to justify things as being The Universe's Will. (See: The King's entire Modus Operandi, and the way Loop (and Siffrin) do the same rote actions, constructing worldviews (the play analogy, the Universe's Will) and justify that as what the Universe Would Want (despite a total lack of evidence to prove as such)) As such, it seems as if a follower of this faith as neurotic as Siffrin would be unlikely to act upon any Wants to Change Themselves without a lot of turmoil and backwards-justification. (Of note, Loop's forcible change coinciding with a dropping of pronoun. But that is again for later, section 3) As of the start of the game, they do not appear to have broached this kind of turmoil directly.

[Image: Act 5 interaction with the star journal, emphasis on it being a cautionary tale against reckless usage of wish craft, instilled so deeply to be a children's bedtime story]

Siffrin, in act 5, grows frustrated with both The Universe and The Change God, feeling abandoned by the former. They struggle with simultaneously anthropomorphising the Universe as a cruel onlooker, while also seemingly acknowledging them as a cold, almost scientific fact of nature. This would heavily imply that the 'blame' put upon the Universe by Siffrin in these moments is known to them, at least a little, to be potentially meaningless. It seems that somewhere in Siffrin's belief system is something, be it the core or merely a creeping worry, that the Universe is not a thinking, feeling, thing. And thus that their invocations of "The Universe's Will" are merely rationalisations of random chance and consequence. This is in DIRECT contrast to the Change God, proven to be an emotive sapient entity, who merely refuses to offer a helping hand. (Similar sentiments are, too, spoken by the Change God itself.)

[Images: Interacting with the window in the observatory in act 5, text from the change god meeting]

So. These are the bulk of my observations when it comes to how Siffrin is positioned in contrast to the Change Belief. It would seem to be that Siffrin, inkeeping with their role as an outsider, is a complete fish out of water in Vaugarde's change-centric world. This makes sense! It makes them a compelling foil to the Vaugardians in our cast, and allows the Vaugardians to challenge Siffrin's worldviews merely by existing. It also, more importantly, makes Siffrin an interesting lens through which to inspect our two most Change-driven characters. Mirabelle and Isabeau.

MIRABELLE.

Mirabelle and Siffrin's differing faiths are put on display the most frequently. Interactions like the circle key and the party's disbelief of Siffrin's facts about the stars make this clear. These interactions other Siffrin from the group further, and are another avenue through which Siffrin can ignore their own needs, not communicating with the party and allowing them to dismiss things he deems important.

Obviously, the friendquest is primarily about Mirabelle's struggle with her aromanticism and asexuality. But there's an implicit undercurrent of gender there too. Mirabelle has never made a big change, not like Isabeau. She has never 'changed completely', by her words. And Siffrin distinctly finds this an odd thing to be worried by. Whatever culture he carries has no pressure to explore these avenues, it seems. Siffrin is able to help her by sharing their honest opinions, that he's never felt the need to change these things, and he's happy (allegedly). Why should she?

[Image: Mirabelle's friendquest text] Siffrin is not thinking particularly hard when he first does the friendquests, they are just being themselves. By positioning Siffrin as this unchanged yet confident object, they are in the perfect position to help Mirabelle by being in her almost exact position, both sexuality and transgender status (albeit, with the caveats of potential alloromanticism, and a they pronoun), that they become her ideal foil. (And in fact, the subtle differences between their positions in canon add to this, showing a display of Perceived Genuine Truth, rather than simple in-group camaraderie)

Whereas…

ISABEAU.

When Mal du pays speaks as Isabeau, it says the following;

"I don't want to know someone who won't even try to change, who luxuriates in things staying the exact same like you do."

I don't want to know someone - Shame of being known, that's Isabeau's insecurity. Reflected back at Siffrin, who has become the worst thing imaginable to each of their friends, in Siffrin's own mind. He absorbs their insecurities like a sponge and incorporates them into himself. Empathy turned ill.

Who luxuriates in things staying the exact same - Now THAT'S interesting. This is not Isabeau's insecurity, it's Siffrin's own. But also, it appears as if, Siffrin, whom to Mirabelle was unflappable in that not changing was alright, has internalised some of her worry. That it is MDP's Isabeau saying this, though, shows this is about Personal Change, perhaps even Specifically Gender and Self Image, rather than Mirabelle's spiritual side.

Isabeau and his distinct change in personality and gender, to become someone who he actually likes… Diametric to Siffrin, who has been stagnant for a long time, presumably as far as they can remember. It would seem to imply they have no recourse against this argument. Siffin becomes, in his mind, the opposite to Isabeau, a man he deeply admires the bravery of when told the story of his Change. These are Siffrin's words against themselves, that they consider themselves to have never even 'tried' whatever it is they think Change to be.

So. These are my main points vis a vis: Siffrin as a foil. This reading would posit that Siffrin's He/They status is, well, almost accidental? Which I would imagine befitting of them. They are, at the start of the game, still the mysterious rogue who never elaborates upon anything. They aren't going to be correcting a they/them from a teammate who is likely far more cautious about assumptions.

Notably, Mirabelle excludes Siffrin from the label "man" in the bathroom monologues… But as does Siffrin when in the prologue poem room. Though one needs remember, Siffrin only expresses these thoughts internally.

[Image: Bathroom conversation featuring Isabeau identified as the party's singular man]

[Image: Prologue!Siffrin expressing that they are not a man in very certain terms.]

While I do wonder what Mirabelle's knowledge (or lack thereof, potentially! Did Siffrin actually divulge this to her, once? Or is she making assumptions again?) is here, this is pretty clear evidence that Siffrin doesn't see themselves As A Man. (that, and Adrienne's word of god "fella" comments). I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this… but.

The thesis here is, that Siffrin may want to explore their gender further; doesn't feel connected to Masculinity, and yet, keeps that He pronoun around? Well, the Universe does not, in Siffrin's mind, really allow for personal wants and desires. If their friends start they/themming them, then cool. They like it, but never requested it, so it's the Universe's will. But, asking? Making decisions and requests and rocking the boat? That seems to scare Siffrin a lot. It seems to scare them so much it causes a lot of, if not all of, the conflict in the game. I feel like it's a fair deduction that this aversion to humour their own desires pervades a lot of their existence.

Plus, I think there's meat there. By only allowing Siffrin to reckon with any potential desires to change only after growing closer with the family, you get to explore things like "How does Mirabelle feel that even the person who said she didn't have to change is changing." and the slightly less potentially harrowing (OR MORE, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE? IDK. I'M NOT YOUR BOSS.) "Isa's continued changing allows Siffrin a space to explore it, maybe even just by proxy, or maybe by joining them."

But mostly, this section is about how Siffrin not having Changed Yet makes them delightfully strong narratively; allowing them to relate to Mirabelle, and get cold feet when comparing themselves to Isabeau. I love this as a narrative strengthener. It's very rare in media that we get to explore a nonbinary character's thoughts and insecurities on whether or not they're "doing enough" to be nonbinary. Even less so Aligned nonbinary people. And reading that alignment and insecurity through the lens of a nonbinary person not fully disconnected from their assigned gender at birth? It's a very compelling exploration of a very common and raw and yet underdiscussed feeling, much like the rest of ISAT. I think this is an extremely potent element should it be read this way, and is only strengthened when taking Siffrin's other themes into account.

Speaking of which.

2. SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

HOLDING ON TO WHAT YOU KNOW. (OR KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT.)

I explained above many of my thoughts on the Universe Faith, and trying to keep these two sections separate was difficult, but needed to be done for the sake of clarity. But this section and the above are deeply intertwined.

Siffrin… Holds on to the things they know. They do not know much. But man do they fucking hold. And yet, paradoxically, they are also avoidant about it.

It is made clear in the text, to the point where I really don't feel the need to rehash it here, that Siffrin's disconnection from their homeland is incredibly painful, but that they consider that culture utterly and irreplaceably important to them. They cannot face it, it is too painful. They cannot let it go, it is too important.

Knowing what we know of the Island's irl inspirations (though, word of god, the exact location is not supposed to matter, one can infer it from the text (and I did! within reasonable proximity!)), Siffrin is of an indigenous peoples of some description, more than likely. And at the very least, Siffrin carries with them inherent biases and ignorances that show that Vaugarde's conceptions of things don't quite mesh with their own. Bowing to the Vaugardian way of things could very easily be seen as assimilation, in this way.*

And identity? Gender? Presentation? Role? All of that has a cultural element. There's no telling what specifics Siffrin has lost in that arena, and that's the problem. Neither do they. How paralysing, the feeling, to know that should you change yourself you risk unknowingly erasing another piece of home? I wouldn't blame them for locking it off. Keeping their old clothes, keeping what little they can remember of themselves… It doesn't seem to me a conducive or safe mental space to get experimental.

And the Universe makes for a perfect scapegoat. As referenced in the section above, a lot can be justified should you call it "The Universe's Will", because who's there to call you on it? Hardly anyone. Your divine right to Freeze A Place In Time; Your Deserved Punishment for Wanting to be Loved: All of it the Universe-- If you want it to be. And thusly, if the Universe wanted you to be a certain way, wouldn't you already be? Wouldn't it make you so? (Wouldn't it take away your body, that which makes you human? If that is what it thought of you?) So best to put it out of your mind. Wouldn't want to accidentally wish anything.

But as the game itself puts it, personified by The King, you cannot stay mired like this forever. As Loop themselves puts it, they can "get so fixated, sometimes." At some point they need to allow themselves to grow in whatever direction they need, because in the end, they need to live their life. They don't need to abandon their country, their culture, but they can't let it restrain them either.

(* MASSIVE CAVEAT: im white as fuck boyyy. i cant say shit. im like technically Of The Land im like 90% pictish or something ridiculous like that so my particular line has never moved anywhere but. this is notttt something i have input or insight on. this is all gleaned from reading and listening to indiginous perspectives from wherever they may be. i am simply trying to infer from what the game gives us without inserting my own feelings on the matter.)

3. SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Alright, here's some less heady and purely-thematic points to round things out. And where we'll also address the fucked up star being in the room; Loop.

My last couple of reading points are the most potentially-transfem to me. Or at least the ones that really hammer home, to me, a seeming lack of want to be masculine-aligned.

ANOTHER NOTE ON THE 'NOT A GUY' THING.

Obviously, there is the aforementioned "Not a man/not that you're a boy" thing. This is rather straightforward, but also still pretty ambiguous. You can be masc-aligned and still Not A Guy. But it does seem to be of note that being a guy very much does not seem to be a goal of Siffrin's. I would posit this in direct contrast to… Isabeau.

But not Isabeau's masculinity. I would instead hold it up against Isa's femininity.

ISAT, as a text, has its characters have genuinely different levels of security in their gender identity, and Isabeau, despite still having insecurities, seems super chill on the gender angle specifically! Their internal strife comes not from their 'not feeling like a man enough' or 'hating being a woman', but instead from their self perception as a friendless nerd! Something that seems to be only tangentially related to Isa's gender, really?

The big dumb bruiser thing is certainly aided by being a dude, but Isa still seems completely comfortable referring to themselves with feminine language, calling himself a "mother hen" (prologue) and having "the heart of a fair maiden" (cookie snack time). (However, they also take being excluded from Mira's girly book club as a surprised compliment, implying they weren't expected to be excluded, and find it affirming.) And even further so, Isa states they want to continue changing further and exploring their identity more, being rather blatant that they might lean back into femininity (and more importantly, let themselves be outwardly smart again), since they're starting to feel hurt by everyone assuming they ARE genuinely stupid.

[Image: Prologue Isa calling himself a mother hen]

And man, this is such a breath of fresh air vis a vis representation. I don't think I really need to explain that. A character who's gender identity is driven by chasing euphoria, even if it started out by trying to drive out misery. Isabeau's character is so damn good. But this essay isn't about him, so get back in the crate, boy.

... So here we have Isa, who is genuinely comfortable reclaiming things about their birth gender, and Mirabelle who loves her traditionally feminine traits to the point where she feels a little guilty that she isn't rejecting them to foster change. And then we have Siffrin… who seems to reject masculine language…? Hrm… (… And then we have The King. A Masculine Title. Someone who Siffrin increasingly sees themselves in and deeply, deeply dislikes this.)

APATHY AND SURVIVAL

It should be clear by now that I see Siffrin's core character as being driven by avoidance and survival. This seems to lead to a lot of apathy, brushing off emotions that are too intense or events and occurences that are too painful. (See: just absolutely everything with Bonnie)

It's all Siffrin really seems to be able to do to Survive. They've travelled, seemingly alone, for what would be around a decade by what the game says about the island's disappearance. They've lived alone on the road as a traveller in a country that so openly welcomes strangers that THE KING and his whole motives can happen. Siffrin is avoidant and refuses to acknowledge problems or strive for help and comfort.

So. That line about the dress. Let's unpack the line(s) about the dress.

THE DRESS LINE, AND THE WAY IT CHANGES BETWEEN PROLOGUE, ACT 2, AND ACT 3.

Good god where to start with this. Full disclosure, the first draft here was way more vague in how I approached this line because I remembered it (and another line, I'll get to it.) way more tame, but going and getting the screenshots..... Siffrin. Buddy. We gotta unpack this.

In act 2, we have "You haven't worn a dress in forever!". This is a neutral, if seemingly a little joyous statement. All we really glean from this is the information that Siffrin at some point, wore 'a' dress. No real inferences there. (Maybe you could say that the singular as opposed to plural makes it more likely that they borrowed/only owned One Dress rather than owned several? But that's a massive stretch...)

Then, act 3/4 shuffles this off into a more general "You wonder if you'll ever wear different clothes again." Which is a more despairing and distant statement. Considering Siffrin seems to travel with only the items they can carry, and owns sleep clothes... It's unclear how many changes of clothing they have. The party seems to consider the cloak a pretty permanent fixture, anyhow. But this line doesn't really say much aside from 'oh god i'm losing myself to the time loop malaise'

NOW THE PROLOGUE. Prologue Sif, buddy, pal, Loop, if I'm allowed to call you that....

Thousands of loops in. We are wistful for specifically dresses. You've forgotten almost everything. You dream about someday seeing the sun again. To be anywhere but here. You want to wear a dress again.

I. Kind of do not know what to do here but point at it. Like I said, my first draft had me half-remembering the progression of this line and as such I was far more vague on what I thought it could imply. Instead this is just straight up yearning.

To, try and segue back to what I had initially written, we'll pick up here...

Siffrin expresses a want to wear other clothes, explore changing their body... But instead, they wear a ratty old form-covering cloak that keeps them warm and safe and is a last reminder of home. They are shapeless, formless, hiding their face under the brim of a wide hat. They do not voice their desire to wear a dress aloud. They once again, keep a desire to themselves, because they do not allow themselves to want publicly. Apathy is safer. Apathy and quiet means you do not risk retribution or hurt.

While I do not think the above is exclusively a transfeminine feeling, it really, really reads like one when taken part and parcel with assuming Siffrin has denied themselves prior exploration.

... And here I have to break my first draft again. I was being, once again, restrained in my reading when writing this. Because I had convinced myself I had maybe straight up imagined one of the lines I was basing my reads on, because I couldn't find it. Because it was a line that read so strikingly desolate to me that my brain had slotted it in during Act Five, meaning when I went looking for it neither me nor my friends could find it.

It's in acts 3 and 4. It's a line I already brought up.

"You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now."

good fucking christ. sorry to break the academic tone but Jimminy Fucking Willikers, Siffrin. What's with that bit. The resignation and despair and guilty comfort we know the timeloop brings them, bleeding into the gender.

This. *taps my finger harshly on my desk* THIS, this feels transfem. this feels so wildly transfem to me. The knowledge that they've never changed before this line lends. The admission that they've been holding back because it's 'too much work'. I spent a lot of time during the game relating Siffrin not to myself but to my friends.

If I'm honest, really, truly, I'm not all too often in Siffrin's shoes. I'm the stable one, of my group. I'm the rock people ground themselves on. And I see so much hesitance, all the time. Denial of joy because what if it's taken away, again? Or futilely out of reach? It hurts more to try, and to fail, than to never try at all.

I wanted to shake Siffrin by the shoulders this whole game. Grit teeth beg them to accept help because for fuck's sake people are clearly offering it get it through your skull--

*coughs* Ah. Ahem. Right. The uh, academic tone.

Right. What I mean to say is, this read as transfem to me because of the way it relates to real-world experiences of denial. And this combo of the Dress line, and the progression of the Meat Prison line, the constant evidence of never having strived for what they want, and that insistance that you're not a man, seem to dislike being percieved as a man, but not being able to shed the outward signifiers?

Individually, yes, these points can be read in different ways. The total opposite ways, even, I'm sure! But as a gestalt it feels really, really transfem. Even if yeah, sure Vaugarde is a magical setting where being transgender is accepted, and this hesitance, specifically, around gender, might not 'make sense' in 'the lore'...

Diegesis isn't everything. Sometimes something that reflects a real-world feeling is important, even if it doesn't 'mesh' with 'the lore' of the world.

TANGENT: DIEGESIS AND READING INTO NON-REAL-WORLD-SETTINGS.

This is a Watsonian vs Doylist spectre that's been haunting this whole argument. In-universe (Watsonian), Vaugarde has seemingly no discrimination between genders, sexualities, and a lackadaisical approach to most things in the arena. Reading our own patriarchal/heterosexual/amanonormative/perisexist society unto it does not make sense, not in this context.

In the real world, however (Doylist), ISAT is a text made in our prejudiced society. A text that is distinctly flavoured by those bigotries which it is kicking back against. Because of this, it is not the whole story to simply read the text while discarding our real-world-informed inferences. Isabeau is a big example of this. While perfectly accepted in Vaugarde, he is very obviously a revolutionary character in our real-world space! He has so much to say, specifically BECAUSE things about him that are not readily accepted here, are accepted there! Same with Mira's struggles, and yes, Siffrin's too.

ISAT was written with the knowledge of how it would play against our real world in mind, we know this, clearly, from many an interview. This is most present in how it engages with asexuality and aromanticism (and immigrant identity), but make no mistake, it influences the Whole Text.

Ergo, just because I view certain writing choices here in the context of Our Real World Perspectives On Gender and not Vaugarde's In-Universe Perspectives, it does not make them an invalid read. They are simply a Doylist read.

There's been an admittedly loosey-goosey lack of delineation here between things I'm reading with either lens, because for the most part all of these points have been a vague synthesis of both that I can't quite decouple. Unprofessional, I know, but I'll admit to not having written my thoughts down like this in a good long while. Usually I just hash this out verbally over discord voice to a small number of weirdo literature and classics student friends who are willing to humour me. I'm an arts student too, but animation hardly required I actually write an essay to a literature degree's standard. Lol.

DE-PERSONING. AND LOOP. OH JESUS . LOOP .

Siffrin de-persons themselves a lot. I say de-person rather than dehumanise because, well, there's a subtle difference there. Siffrin doesn't see themselves as vermin or an animal or an object, but they do seem to see themselves as lesser, not requiring the respect they grant others. They aren't, you know, a 'real person'.

People get to have things like thoughts and wants and identities. Siffrin is, at best, Just Siffrin. They have what they have and they don't ask for more and they don't (CAN'T) feel too strongly on what they do have!

When Loop at first offers their pronouns they offer the Royal 'We'. This is at least a little bit, a joke. A nudge toward their true identity, a potential dig at themselves for becoming so understanding of The King. Mostly though, a joke on the first thing…. and a sign that they do not see themselves as a separate entity to the Siffrin stood before them.

When Siffrin rejects this, they settle for they/them. Loop drops the he/him, presumably partially to cover their tracks, but… They just showed their hand with the 'Royal We', and if you wanted to go even further with this, there's no way for us to know whether Loop is treating this pronoun as singular or not. They presumably are, but it is still a potentially plural pronoun.

Loop… Clearly does not see themselves as a person. It's, I would say, a completely reasonable assumption that the form they have taken reflects implicit feelings toward themselves as less than a person, an actor, a monster, a tool, a means to an end. They are rendered inhuman by The Universe, frivolous distractions removed. No mouth, inventory and clothes confiscated, nothing between the legs. Formed roughly in the shape of a person to allow them to do their only job: Help.

Loop's body does not make logical sense, given their continued ability to sleep, dream and their continued habit of deep breaths to self-soothe. It would seem to me, it was made in the image it was, with only the tools it needed to Help Siffrin. Why obfuscate their identity? Because giving the game away too early would likely make them lose hope. Why so deeply, thoroughly star themed? An instant signal, that even if a stranger, they are an ally. They are home.

[Image: Loop saying that they take naps and dream, and evidence of Loop habitually attempting to breathe in the twohats lose-to-loop ending]

And they… Degender themselves. No longer with any bodily signifiers of masculinity, and cruelly disallowed the ability to hide themselves beneath fabric, they are null. The spoiler Q&A (paratext, as it were) states that:

Q. Is Loop: 1. Actually comfortable with both he and they, but only gave the one pronoun to emphasize the distance? 2. Only using they/them because a large life event led to a shift in identity/ how they’d like to be perceived? or 3. time lops stole he from they they :( A. Mostly that first one. But all three of those reasons have a bit of truth to them.

While the 'mostly the first one' comment does imply that Loop would not baulk at being he/him'd (similar to how Siffrin does not), the other reasons, especially the second, having 'a bit of truth' does lend credence to this reading. That Loop's self-perception has shifted, and what I posit, is that this shift is in tandem with a disconnection with humanity. Due, presumably, to the dehumanising experience of the timeloop.

Loop has no biology to speak of, and yet they remain blind in one eye. I take this as an implication that they considered this so core to themselves, to who they could remember being, that it stayed. Even if they had forgotten their own face, trapped in a part of the house with no mirrors, they knew they couldn't see. They kept this, and yet seemingly they, or The Universe, or both of them in tandem, discarded all else.

This isn't like…. Healthy behaviour. That is for certain. But it is interesting that Siffrin and Loop seem to hold on to their masculinity by a thread, and that Loop, when actually given the excuse to make a choice, chooses the Neutral Option. Siffrin might de-person themselves, but Loop, Loop is absolutely dehumanising themselves. From Loop's own mouth (or lack thereof) do they call themselves a Corpse. That's… pretty damn bad.

TANGENT 2: POTENTIAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE JAPANESE TRANSLATION.

Did somebody say 'distance'? Yeah turns out that has some more potential evidence. In the form of First Person Pronouns. See, English, with its third person only pronouns relies on others to gender you. Japanese, you get to gender yourself. And Siffrin specifically has an interesting discrepancy in the way he refers to himself.

(DISCLAIMER: I . DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT JAPANESE. THIS IS SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE. SOURCED FROM THIS TUMBLR POST AND OTHER QUICK SKIMS OF WIKIPEDIA)

Loop and Siffrin use the same, very neutral "mostly male but could go either way" pronoun of 僕 boku. Safe, soft friendly pronoun. Used by people on the younger side of adulthood, not so impolite that you can't use it in a formal setting. Such a neutral all-rounder that female singers in japan tend to use boku in their songs to relate to the audience with quiet confidence.

And in their internal monologue? Siffrin uses a completely different pronoun. In his head, for himself, he uses 自分 jibun. Now, this may be an artefact of the monologue's english second-person "You", since jibun can also be used to mean a very neutral "self". A "myself/herself/himself" type 'self'. But when used as a first person pronoun, it has a connotation of being… distant, introspective. Which is… a fascinating implication, if that was the intent.

But I don't know anything about japanese so ! If I'm off the mark, discard this!

LOOP, PART 2: MAYBE NOT A GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

While Siffrin I can comfortably argue that they can like, keep their current gender presentation, whatever you may perceive it to be, once the game is over, Loop, I cannot.

Siffrin's potential issues with their identity are ones that honestly feel like they would best be explored with gentle refinement and searching. They don't need to violently seperate themselves from what they are now, far from it, in fact. They need to learn to grow comfortable in their own skin, and with the people they love. To become open and trusting, with an open mind to where it may lead.

Loop has already lost this battle. They don't get to refine anymore, just pick up the pieces. While I don't necessarily think radical change is Good for Loop, I think they may Need It. For them, resting will probably become stagnation (see: napping all day under the tree, resigned, really, to the idea they're stuck there forever.), they need a shake-up in order to re-find their feet. Even if they end up right back where they started, they still need to do the actual painful process of soul-searching first.

Problem is, they're still rather avoidant. So it basically becomes a question of getting them into a situation where this exploration is forced upon them. At which point, that's a whole new plotline. This becomes fanfiction. Hence, why while I think Transfem-Egg Loop is a Valid Read when extrapolated from Siffrin… I must concede any actual adventures into them acting upon that as headcanon territory. I just do not know how you would get them there without making a whole new Thing, at which point it stops being Just A Read of the text haha. It doesn't help that Loop and Siffrin (grudgekeepers supreme) both have reason to spite the Change God after who was phone.

As for whether this egg-read reflects directly back on to Siffrin? Maybe! They are the same person. But I think that, especially with Vaugarde's lax views, and their actual differences (Loop's general worse mania // Siffrin's incentive to stay a reminder to themselves and Loop of their country) means they could easily go two different routes, along the road to becoming their own distinct individuals. (And in all honesty, growing into their differences is probably the more healthy option in the long run if you're keeping Loop around? But again, we are going so far into the future here this is no longer a read. And I am not here to dispense baseless headcanons without massive disclaimer, so…)

Tl;Dr:

Siffrin's Survival-Apathy and hesitance to change feels really thematic to their being 'what's left' of their homeland

They seem unsettled by the flippancy of the Change Religion at times, clinging to the familiar to cope with the trauma of displacement.

Mal du pays speaks of them that they have not 'tried' to change, showing an insecurity there, even outside of the literal stagnance of the loops.

They are self assured to Mira that one does not have to change, in a very genuinely personal impulsive statement.

They and others exclude themselves from being "A Man", but Siffrin keeps desires to explore their expression to themselves.

The Universe belief, seemingly in Siffrin's view of it, disincentivises Free Will and Wants very heavily. It is not hard to assume they extend this to all elements of their life.

They have self-admittedly never pursued tangible change, likely due to this aversion to choice. Despite this, they express interest in changing, seeming nonplussed with their body, and house at least some desire for more traditionally feminine expression.

Oh Good God. Loop Sure Does Not Treat Themselves Like A Person. Why Does That Come With A Pronoun Change? What Does That Mean?

But most of all:

It makes them such a fascinating foil and lens to Change and characters who believe in it! It makes them eerily similar to The King! It opens up such fascinating debate between characters like themselves and Mirabelle, Isabeau and Loop, on whether or not they want to change in future, or if it truly is okay to never radically change yourself! What genuinely fertile ground for dialogues. And man if I'm not heavily drawn towards dialogues.

(End of essay! Congratulations for making it the whole way! 🎉 I hope this nightmarish deep dive helps with understanding some of the ways I've been writing Siffrin and Loop too. Since while I've not ever focused on the gender side of it (and probably won't in comic form) this does pervade my view of the two, since it would be impossible for it to Not. As you can see, I do think it is pretty relevant to both their themes.)

(Now for some bonus material)

ADDENDUMS:

PERSONAL BIAS NOTE:

Not included in this analysis since this is more a Pet Theme of my own (usually kept quarantined to the realms of my OCs), but something else I see in Siffrin is a reflection of the Dude Issue(tm) of patriarchal irl society disincentivisng Dudes(tm) from ever fucking introspecting ever.

I'm curious about nonbinary/trans characters who have no idea they’re nonbinary/trans because they’ve been disincentivised from thinking/doubting their identity due to societal power structures or simply tradition. I dig around the themes of “a lot of guys are trapped in a societal prison without ever knowing and it makes them miserable but they can’t escape because they don’t even see the cage” like, a lot, in my personal work. It intrigues me. So bleh, cards on the table there. That mode of interacting with nb/trans characters is one I'm inclined to.

This kinda goes hand in hand with the watsonian vs doylist situation i took an aside to mention. But it is so far along the doylist side that I didn't want to include it, since it is a little too assumptive of the text for my comfort. I don't think the game necessarily has much commentary on this specific Societal Bind. But if it does, then hey, there's my thoughts on it.

STRAY SIDE NOTES AND HEADCANONS ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS (AS A TREAT FOR GETTING THIS FAR):

MID-GAME OBSERVATION ABOUT BONNIE AND ODILE THAT I NEVER WENT BACK TO VERIFY:

I got the impression that Bonnie heavily favours they/them pronouns for Siffrin, and Odile he/him, as a bit of presumed character voice. I don't know that I am right, literally at all, in that observation, because it very well could've been confirmation bias.

BUT! It did give me the impression that one of the things Bonnie was idolising about Siffrin was a degree of "wow!! older person with my gender!! wow!!", which is just like, cute. I like it even if I don't have any solid evidence.

ODILE, WHAT'S HER DEAL?:

Oh she stays just as mysterious as she intends to be, huh? Even with her comments in the Changing Room alluding to knowing things about underground changing operations, you can't draw much of a conclusion about her. I appreciate verily that she's word-of-god unlabelled and also poly. That shit's great. Woman who has stopped drawing lines or caring what she's up against. Nice characterisation flavour I think.

Anyway, I do think that transfem Odile is a really, really nice take. I have no evidence in either direction for her in either direction, and her being a woman of any description makes her relationship with her absent mother something interesting to chew on, but the idea that she pursued womanhood intentionally lends an interesting texture. I've not much to say, but it's a thread to pull on. Makes you wonder what other female role models she had in her life instead. Anyway she's mysterious as fuck I can't extrapolate Jack nor Squat. Shrug! I'm also made curious by the idea of her potentially moving away from womanhood as she feels the weight of her history lifted. This goes either way, really. Diagnosis: mysterious.

HEADCANON NOTE: INTERSEX SIFFRIN

I don't have any in-text support for this so this entire thing is an unbased headcanon to me. but i DO like it because 1. fun and 2. potential for more thematic exploration

haha gotcha its fuckin themes again. its always themes with me.

But yeah. Not much to say here besides drawing a parallel (that I believe I've seen drawn elsewhere in the fandom already?) between ISAT's comments on how a society that values change would view Aroace identities, and how Mira feels about not wanting to change with the real world experiences of Intersex people having alteration and conformity forced upon them, saying the Change Belief would likely be just as bad for them as it is for aroace people.

So, adding it to Siffrin's situation further drags them into the opposition-to-change foil role. Which like I said, think has a lot to explore.

HEADCANON NOTE: A POTENTIAL METHOD FOR GETTING LOOP OUT OF THEIR GOD DAMNED COMFORT ZONE

I think utilising Loop's contrarianism is an effective and funny way to get them to explore their gender. I personally think running with them trying to hide their identity from the party is a hilarious way to do it. Having them try to position themselves in direct opposition to Siffrin to "throw the party off their trail" (not that i think they really need to?), going full feminine-revealing-clothing because it's NOT what a Siffrin would do and accidentally growing accustomed to it. Funny to me. Especially when the party eventually do find out who they are and go . "????? what was the girl stuff about ??? is that something you wanna do now ???".

[Isabeau] "Ohhhh it was a bit! Haha you really are Sif, still a jokester!" [Loop] "HAHA YEAH . JOKES. LOVE THOSE. LOVE TO MAKE JOKES!" [Isabeau] "Yep! Anyway. Tell me if you need anything!"

Bonus bonus:

[Siffrin] "Okay, so, if you're a girl. Does this reflect on like… me?" [Loop] "No doubles. Get your own gender, parasite~!"

[realian]

no one:

me: it surprises people that Astarion only has a charisma of 10 - that's a modifier of 0 - when he has a representation for being charming but it actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. I mean, it's his lowest skill aside from strength; he has 8 strength which should surprise no one because he's fairly weak physically. but as a rogue he uses his dexterity modifier which has to do with agility and using finesse weapons to stab arteries and stuff so he doesn't need it, y'know? but the charisma thing also makes sense because even though he's proficient in persuasion and deception which are charisma skills, his actual charisma is relatively low. charisma isn't just charm - it's sheer force of personality. natural social skill and grace. and Astarion doesn't have that. hell, the first few conversations he has with Tav are "how do you wanna be killed, given the choice?" and "what do you think each of our companions taste like?" he's kind of an awkward guy. everything he knows about seducing and manipulating people, he had to learn it. in this way, it's much easier to attribute his skills in manipulation as intelligence-based, and he has decent intelligence at 13. conversation and entertaining guests are skills he learned in order to survive two centuries of abuse. they're not part of his personality. charisma is a sheer force of personality and it makes sense that his force of personality is low. he doesn't know what his personality is.

[flightyalrighty]

I think that even the people hopeful that Tails and Rouge survive should respect your wishes. If they want a Tails survives story they should make one themselves instead of constantly telling you that Tails survived in the very story you stated he is dead in.

If anyone ever writes Infested fanfiction they need to send it to me.

I feel like some are just gonna deny that Tails, specifically, is dead until I actually show a body and like, I'm not gonna do that. As I've said before, showing the body makes it into a spectacle. It would disrupt the impact of that death and the emotional nature of it.

Plus, I mean, it'd be the messed up body of an eight-year-old boy... Y'know? I don't shy away from dark stuff, but I have restraint.

[elvenbeard]

Old and Happy

😭 my feels have been all over the place since I finally finished this! Don't even remember when I started, as I kept working on and off on it over a couple of months. But I think it was after writing something particularly angsty and going "you know what, they will get their happy ending though, so it's all good".

Some details and thoughts below the read more cause it got long hhhh ;A;

This is in about 2087 maybe, roughly "ten years later". Vince changed his hair, ditched the rattail for good (or again xD) for something still colorful but a bit more easy to style. But he might change it up again, he's done so repeatedly and still likes to experiment with his hair.

Not visible, he probably would've added some elements to his back tattoo after surviving all of 2077. Johnny's tattoo he covered up as well, he would've done that first probably before the back piece. Adding some things here and there over time, with colors and patterns and wings, some cherry blossoms ('cause a thing of beauty will never truly fade away - hence just not getting laser removal but covering it with something that suits him more, but keeping some elements like the J and V visible). It started with three roses below the "V" as a little homage to Jackie, and 2077 as the year that finally put him on the right track in his life, even if it almost killed him in the process.

Overall he is a healthier weight than he was for most of his life, and finally got some therapy he desperately needed to deal with all the crap he went through pre-2077 already. He's not dyeing his first grey hairs because hell, that he's even still around to get some is amazing with his line of work and life story. And he realized that there's no need to be super well put togeher 24/7, clean shaven and whatnot, when you know you're just gonna be hanging out with your man and cat all weekend (and actually allowing yourself to something like that - leisure time and pizza in bed, unheard of to 2077!Vince). He's doing good and feels good and comfortable, physically and mentally.

Kerry also changed, also embracing the dad bod over abs, probably still experimenting with his looks a lot now and then whenever the label feels like they need to draw attention to him for whatever reason. But to the brown eyes he returned in 2078 already in my headcanon for the Sun ending timeline, and he stuck with them.

Overall I think he might finally care a little less about other people's opinions too, the buzz and the drama, cause he knows that at the end of the day there's always gonna be someone waiting for him at home who loves him unconditionally. He's a bit calmer and at ease, but of course still up to no good whenever he gets the chance to stir shit up xD Vince and him remain to be a dangerous duo you don't wanna mess with. At that point Vince is a well-respected, even if somewhat elusive, fixer, so he's probably even more dangerous now than he used to be as a mere merc with an arsenal of connections and resources at his disposal that can almost rival Kerry's.

I also gave Kerry a lil new cyberware piece on his hand - he is an old man and I think, using his hands as a musician on the daily, at some point there's just gonna be some wear and tear to your bones and joints only tech can fix anymore... Especially if you're stubborn and refuse to retire cause no, you're not done yet, you still have so much to yell into the world and music to make, stuff to add to your legacy and all.

Last but not least: Nibbles is an old lady already as well here, but living her best life with her dads spoiling her rotten, of course!

And then öalkshjdfagsdföasgdfaösfh ;___;

Y'know, "to bad decisions" and all, and two very different pieces still fitting together perfectly somehow, and light and shadows, and the sun and moon and yeah. ;___; Brb crying, the feels are back xD

Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far!! They mean so much to me and aösdjhfajsfhasfk could go on forever about every little detail xD On to the next drawing!

[mutipede]

Maybe I'm overthinking but I feel like I should make some kinda public official disclaimer type of thing…

I grew up really absurdly isolated, and then [stuff happened], and that has made me ridiculously skittish. It's not the fault OR the responsibility of anyone who interacts with me. And I am pretty ashamed and embarrassed about it since it doesn't fit with my mental image of myself of being… y'know, not constantly terrified. ("I'm supposed to BE terrifying!" / bugs and survival horror monsters might be more afraid of you than you are of us but goddamn we're not happy about it)

I'm trying to improve that - hell, I originally made this account, in part, for the express purpose to try and improve that - but it is a very slow and backslide-y process. I'm sorry about that.

Here's what I've gathered so far about my own behavior.

If I think you're cool and we have a lot in common there's a VERY good chance that'll make it harder for me to talk to you, not easier. This sucks and I hate it. It's not your fault and I'm sorry.

If we're mutuals I like you and I think you're cool. 100% no qualifiers end of sentence congratulations on your indisputable coolness

If you follow me but I don't follow you, either I like you and think you're cool but you mostly post stuff I'm not personally interested in looking at, OR I haven't looked at your blog yet but will probably get around to that at some point lol

If I don't like someone I'll just block them and leave them alone.

I struggle with one on one conversations, in DMs and asks n'shit, for reasons I don't entirely understand. But it's a pretty universal thing regardless of how the other party behaves, so if you DM me and I act fuckin' awkward and weird and take forever to reply or can't keep a conversation going, please just be assured it has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

I struggle to initiate conversations unless I have something specific to say, although in the past if I've "gotten into the habit" of talking to someone I will happily talk to them about whatever every fuckin' day. I do miss that although I don't know how realistic it is to think it'll ever happen again.

I also struggle with large groups, like large discord servers, because "well everyone else is probably going to say or already has said anything I could contribute, and I can't keep track of everyone and all the conversations, sooo..." mutes server and only lurks or posts once and never again

To be completely honest - discord itself was pretty triggering to me for a while, to the point that I had to uninstall the app from my phone and only recently made a new account and haven't started actually regularly using it again yet. You can have my discord and you CAN invite me to servers, I'll just be even more skittish there than I am here.

I think a small to medium group setting is the closest to comfortable I feel in social situations at the moment. I don't feel entirely comfortable in any social situations but I'm trying to work on that hah

I need to post and reblog dumb shit and cool art for stress relief purposes. If you happen to see me reblogging goofy bullshit while not responding to conversations, it's safe to assume I'm at some heightened level of IRL distress and trying to take my mind off it, not chilling and ignoring you.

I think that's all the major stuff people should probably be aware of before hypothetically attempting to have conversations with me. I am trying really hard to be chill I would love nothing more in the world than to be chill hah. I'm workin' on it.

[cinnamon-girl-writes]

scream queen !! . . . gojo x reader

one fall, geto and gojo team up to prank shoko and y/n for halloween. basically halloween inspired fluff!

fluff, gojo x reader, set during gojo's past arc, reader is a 2nd year student

by @cinnamon-girl-writes

OCTOBER, 2006

As the day drew to a close, the Jujutsu High gymnasium was abuzz with conversation.

"C'mon 'Ko, how can you not like halloween?" Gojo persisted, "Slasher movies and candy and staying up past midnight?"

Shoko scoffed. "You already stay up way too late, idiot." Geto chuckled softly at their antics.

You poked the girl next to you and she almost dropped her cigarette from between her teeth. "Are you at least going to dress up with me this year?" You asked.

Shoko rolled her eyes. "Not a chance."

Geto leaned in, joining the conversation. "Why do you hate Halloween so much?"

Shoko sighed, stretching her arms out above her nonchalantely. "I don't know, I just never really enjoyed it, y'know? Like, we see enough scary stuff every day, right?"

You collectively nodded at her words. There was no denying that she was right; your lives were plenty scary on a daily basis.

Just then, the bell rang, signalling it was time for your next class session to begin. You all gathered your things and headed to the main building, dropping the conversation.

The rest of the day went on as expected, after finishing your lessons and training for a few hours you all retreated around the campus. You and Shoko lounged in the common room with Nanami and Haibara. Gojo and Getou, however, were no where to be found.

"Do you think we should go look for them?" Haibara questioned. It had been almost two hours since you'd last seen them at dinner and it was starting to get dark.

"No, if they need us they'll call," Nanami answered quickly.

You intervened, "I'm sure they're fine, wherever they are. Probably off causing trouble somewhere."

"Yeah, they're fine. So, what are we watching?" said Shoko.

You collectively decided on Corpse Bride, a halloween classic but nothing too scary for late on a Tuesday night. You always found you were most happy in these quiet moments, curled up on the couch of the common room surrounded by your friends and not having to worry about techinques or curses or surviving.

That all went away, however, when thirty minutes into the movie, you began to hear strange sounds. It started out as a scraping sound on the floor, almost as if someone was dragging metal across the ground. Then you heard a faint laughing sound. You turned to Shoko who was beside you and a giggle from her confirmed she heard it too. You assumed Geto and Gojo had scuffled in from a night of mischief and were making their way to bed. You shook your head, smiling to yourself. Although you'd never admit it, you enjoyed spending your free time with them, chaotic as they may be.

Suddenly, you feel a tap on your shoulder. You glance at Shoko, who's dead asleep next to you, and then Nanami, who's resorted to reading a book that's settled in his lap.

You turn to see the looming figure of a masked man holding a chainsaw-- and let out a blood curdling scream.

Shoko jumped from her place on the couch, landing ten feet away; Haibara fell backwards off the edge of the couch; even Nanami leaned away and grimaced.

Startled, you tried to compose yourself, but it was hard to do so in the dark room with adrenaline coursing though your veins.

As you were coming to your senses, the lights flicker on and you see two people in front of you: Gojo, with a Jason mask resting around his neck, and Geto, holding a camcorder which was currently pointed at Haibara, who was still on the ground. Both of them were laughing their asses off, barely being able to breathe.

You hear a groan from Shoko behind you, "Ohhhhh, what the hell?" A "Come on, guys" is heard from Nanami, but you're still too in shock to respond.

Finally recovering from their hysterics, the boys gathered beside each other to review their footage. You hear the faint sound of your own scream and Shoko's yelp being played back on the tiny camera screen.

"You-- y-you should've seen your face!" Gojo says between breaths.

Standing up, you rubbed your face, trying to recover from the trauma you'd just gone through. Gojo notices the look on your face and pulls you in for a hug which you reluctantly accept since you needed the comfort.

Plus, getting a hug from Satoru wasn't that bad either.

"Aww, I'm sorry Y/n," Gojo said, gently stroking your back, "I could make it up to you with a kiss later?"

This caused you to shove his shoulder playfully, feigning digust. "Seriously? Gross."

You were interupted by Geto, "After that stunt, I don't think Shoko will ever like Halloween again."

You laughed, and Gojo behind you chimed in, "It was sooooo worth it though! We're gonna have this footage for life!"

The four of you settled on the couch, waving Nanami and Haibara goodnight when they decided they were tired (more like tired of this bs).

Everyone ended up falling asleep on the couch, so when the movie ended, Gojo shook Geto and Shoko awake, shushing them when they moved to wake you. Geto gave Gojo a wink and Shoko glared warning daggers at him as they made their ways to their own rooms.

Ever so gently, Gojo picked you up in his arms bridal-style and carried you to your bedroom, laying you in your bed.

As you were being tucked in, you stirred, blinking yourself awake.

"Satoru?" you questioned in your half-awake state, "Did the movie end...?"

He smiled to himself, pulling the sheets up to your chin. "Yeah, time to go to bed. Goodnight."

"Okay. Goodnight, Satoru."

Oh, and you did end up getting that kiss.

---

NOVEMBER, 2017

The fight had been going on for days at this poin. Everyone was on their toes, anxious and wondering what to do in the midst of all the chaos. It left you and Shoko in a strange position:

Gojo was gone. Getou's body was taken over long ago. Shoko had gotten word that Nanami was gone, too.

You had left the fight to go to you and Gojo's-- no, your apartment in Shibuya to gather supplies: bandages for the injured, water, food.

As you turned the key to unlock your home, you forced yourself to stare at the ground. You couldn't risk glancing at a picture frame and seeing the smiling face of your husband staring back at you.

You gathered the few things you came for and threw them into a bag, shuffling around the kitchen. You made your way into the living room, thinking you might grab some blankets to comfort the injured. As you were walking, you stumbled into a cardboard box, kicking it across the room on accident.

A stack of discs spilled onto the ground. You remembered, then, that Satoru had brought them out to show his students some footage of curses to study various cursed techniques. Of course, he had never gotten to show them.

Thinking nothing of it, you knelt down to pick them up. They were all pretty standard, marked with dates or the names of curses. One in particular, however, caught your attention.

You read your lover's handwriting, scribbled in black sharpie:

Scream Queen!!! '06 >;)

[krillonthegrill]

i want to keep the idea of Amanda cooking for Max when she's busy

when Max is getting really swept up in grading people's projects or developing photos and choosing the best ones, she forgets to eat actual food and just survives on the occasional hot pocket with hot sauce and coffee. and it doesn't bother her, because she's been doing that for years

Amanda knows she's "eating" but she's not eating decent, nutritious food made with LOVE and that bothers her because Max has a big brain and big brains need variety. plus, she's seen Max cook and it is...a time

so, y'know. a tray of lasagna with homemade pasta and tomato sauce made from scratch occasionally appears on Max's counter. maybe fruit salad. even just like maruchan packet chicken ramen but with added touches like green onion and an egg.

all of it tastes fucking amazing. yet Max feels kinda guilty, that Amanda is fussing over her like this ("i should start cooking for myself," she thinks as she slurps down the best ramen she's had in years). but Amanda shuts that shit down so quick because this is literally just how she shows affection. Max is unreachable when she's really zoned-in, so this is her way of doing stuff for her without bothering her so EAT THE DAMN FOOD, MAX

and Max can't really cook. like, her idea of spicing something up is dousing it in hot sauce. but she wants to do something for Amanda so maybe one day Amanda walks into her house with whatever food she brought that day and there's a simple grilled cheese with white american cheese on it. and a note beside it that's like "for Amanda :)"

is it slightly burnt? yeah, but Amanda eats the whole thing and maybe she cries a lil bit while eating because it's not often people cook for her back and to have Max do it is just so

idk i just love them

[forsaken-ward-askblog]

Been reading some past stuff so-

Remember this?

Y'know, imagine if The Void Star did cause the C00lkid disappearance to take control of 007n7, and then baiting him with the promise of C00lkidd coming back, leading to the incident.

WE GOT SOME EVIDENCE FOR THIS HOLY:

"It's scary! its face is nothing but a void... a-and.. its so scary... i swear when it takes over the doll to hurt papa... i feel fear... I'm scared..." The spirit of the child sniffles. "I just want to be back... the monster promised papa he could bring me back... but I don't trust him... please.. please tell my papa..." He sobbed. ---- Loud laughter could be heard... Funny how he thinks i'd allow those to get through... Children are... funny are they not?

(Can't really put the link here yet so I'll do it in the comments.)

The promise LED TO THE INCIDENT (You finally did it Analyst, you fucking idiot. You knew it was canon, you needed proof)

"007n7... use the star... give me my host and i'll bring your son back..."

YEAH. HEAVILY IMPLIED- (Imagine if...during the meeting crash, the cultists were bringing The Void Star to life? So that's why?)

Nope I lied wait a fazbear fright second here, THEY STOLE THE CROWN!?!?

"please no... please... please... I can't... I don't want to... seven... seven... I'm not taking that crown..."

NO WONDER WHY THE CULTISTS KIDNAPPED C00LKIDD (not the child)

I think the void cultists took coolkidd though...the CHILD NOOO-

"it was... a warm summer day... 007n7 was taking c00lkidd to the park on his day off... and well.. when he wasn't looking a group f people took c00lkidd... running away.." Noli frowned recounting the tale. "the days flew by and 007n7 was starting to lose it... i... i was out of town meanwhile... trying to get back to be there for my friend you know?..." "When I got back I followed a message 007n7 sent me..." "it led me to that old building that Builders Pizza owns... that supply place... it was destroyed... 007n7 was in it over the lifeless bodies of 13 different people..." "....all while holding a doll and calling it c00lkidd...

---Random Noli Stuff I found---

(They got kidnapped more than once I'm sobbing)

"Yah... it was fun escaping that cult... getting kidnapped by it firstly not to much..." He sighed glancing away a hand going to his shoulder.... left one... and rubbing it... ". . ." He sighed before whispering. "I wonder if their still looking for us... we barely survived them the first time..."

(13 dead bodies at the site, probably irrelevant but 007d7, and 007a7 could be them??? Spectulation my beloved)

"...I... we still don't know if they were two of the dead bodies found at that scene..."

GUYS NEW CRACK THEORY:

THE VOID STAR'S INFECTED PEOPLE ARE **DEAD.**

JANE AND 007n7 ARE DEAD (I will hit you upside the head/ref)

007n7 was patting his sock puppets head softly humming that lullby he'd sing to c00lkidd, when he was alive, smiling happily to himself all calm.

WAIT WAIT WAIT DONT TELL ME YOUR BELOW KILLING OFF PEOPLE (red spider lily being associated with death/afterlife and Jane’s relation with it)

:3 maybe it means the death of the person John once knew...

(We cooked chat, we're fried, we doomed) That's all, uhhh Flowers are the answer indeed, and someone can do that if they want Signing off!

-Analyst Anon

Just want to make some things clear, 007n7 and Jane are not dead!

The dead comment is referring to C00lkidd.

--

Noli was- 121 111 117 32 104 111 110 101 115 116 108 121 32 116 104 111 117 103 104 116 32 105 116 32 119 111 117 108 100 32 98 101 32 116 104 97 116 32 101 97 115 121 32 116 111 32 108 101 97 114 110 32 97 98 111 117 116 32 104 105 109 63 10 72 111 119 32 97 98 111 117 116 32 121 111 117 32 115 116 97 114 116 32 108 111 111 107 105 110 103 32 97 114 111 117 110 100 32 116 104 101 32 111 116 104 101 114 32 112 97 116 105 101 110 116 115 32 98 101 102 111 114 101 32 121 111 117 32 116 114 121 32 117 110 108 111 99 107 105 110 103 32 116 104 105 115 32 98 111 120

--

flowers are pretty lol.

=)

just wanted to make that clear.

[hell-drabbles]

Curious about Companion and Asmodeus, I may or may not forget some posts regarding Asmodeus to the Companion so bear with me, I'm really wondering how Companion put up with Asmodeus who has the weird effect to y'know, make everyone around him "excited", and I wondered how it would affect Companion.

Both Companion before and after being angelified(if I spell it right :'3)

Aside from Companion being avoidant to procreation stuff, I feel like they could hold their ground from Asmodeus constant horniness. I, too, want to hit Companion in more than a way.. But no doubt Lucifer would have my head... I think it's worth the risk though hhehehehhhehehhehehhhehehe

Anyways, have a nice day. February already suck ass for me; mountains of projects left and right brah

Hmm I would imagine that the Companion isn't immune to Asmodeus's pheromone thingy, but the difference here is that while the Companion is "excited," it's a very aimless type of excitement. You know, in the same way you can be extremely hungry, but no appetite to satisfy it, so you're just opening and closing the fridge hoping for something to pop up and get your attention.

And, well, aimless horniess leads to frustration, and frustration leads to anger. So they attack. It also doesn't help that this type of horniess is very unnatural and the Companion knows it. But at least they have anger to ground them into reality. They survive out of spite and isn't that a fun sight to see.

But yeah, I think it would be fun to have it where the Companion does know Asmodeus prior to the events, but absolutely did not know he was a devil. Just thought he was a weirdo that keeps coming into the night clubs and bars. Get along with him all things considered, if only to have a different relationship with a devil king that isn't high caution, anger or frustration. One of the few people that can wrangle him to behave. I'm one of those people that actually doesn't believe in the whole "you can only have one true love," thing. I know people love the thought of the devils loving you and only you, and that Solomon was more a platonic love, but that's just boring to me. People can fall in love again, and people can have multiple true loves.

That being said, I feel like Asmodeus and Lucifer are in a similar circle, in that they're not interested in participating in dick measuring contests that the other younger kings tend to do. Not really territorial or impatient. They feel wiser, simply put, and I would like to add him to the small little harem I'm creating for the Companion. Because that's always fun.

I would imagine that out of all the devils, Asmodeus would probably be the devil the Companion would go to for getting out all of their sadistic desires. Cutting him up, over-stimulation that will begin hurting, fucking him into unconsciousness, you know the like. All devils can keep up, being devils but I would imagine nobody else would be as enthusiastic as him since he doesn't give a shit if they're related to Solomon or not.

Hedonistic devil that becomes more tame when the Companion commands it. A clear longing in Asmondeus's eyes, his voice becoming more quiet so as to impart words for only the Companion's ears. Someone as narcissistic as him actually holds high respect towards the Companion, enough to tone down the dramatics if need be. Real high faith in the Companion, so much so it makes Asmodeus laughs anytime anyone doubts their ability to thrive. Oh you silly small minded devils.

Either way, this terrifies every devil involved. Weird behavior from Asmodeus cannot be good.

Now, after the whole angelification event... I would imagine there's a new sharpness to Asmodeus and Lucifer, at least in the way they speak and act. It's not outright, certainly, but there's a clear disappointment every time they're called for a devil king meeting. Very delicious tension.

And as for how the Angelified Companion reacts to that aura of his... If not lucid, they'd probably try to eat Asmodeus on sight. They have a hair trigger aggression so any extreme bodily reaction tends to bring that out. It's also pretty dangerous when the Companion is lucid, because if they're experiencing too much all at once, then Asmodeus's aura will cause them to mentally shut themselves away, and it's back to that state of not lucid they go. He makes for an amazing lure actually, so he has his uses.

Though, Asmodeus being Asmodeus, he obviously cannot resist the fantasy of rolling in the hay with the Angelified Companion. He's a monster fucker and I cannot be convinced otherwise.

Ironically, I don't think Lucifer would take your head for wanting to tap the Companion. He's the embodiment of pride and he has this extreme self assuredness to him. As in, you don't even register as a threat to him, because he's just that confident that no other person can take the Companion away. Do as you please, he'd probably say.

But yeah, Companion can stand their ground very well. Probably one of the things that excites Asmodeus because who doesn't like the chase?

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT: ??? Months “Your choice”

“There you are! I was getting worried, your directions were awful for finding this café.”

“We both know I suck at directions, hope you didn't get rained on too much. Sorry for making you visit me over and over. I remember you said you’re not a fan of Hyper city”

“You know I like the rain, and this place makes it easier to visit you anyway. Now lemme just get the seat closer to you…

So how are you hun. Is the recovery going alright? Have you gotten any memories back?”

“A couple, yeah. I remember the name of that other slime I met a while ago. Sandy I think.”

“You think?”

“Memories are hard, please don't push me.”

“Sorry. Well it's good that you're healing, and you're not taking that stuff again right? 

… right hun?!”

“I'm not, I'm not. Tomorrow is the last day I have to wait before I can legally take it again. Right now I'm just wondering if I should wait longer or not.”

“Don't do anything that isn't safe hun. I know this means a lot to you, I can't say I know what you're going through, cause I'm not a therian or otherkin or whatever like you. But please be safe, I don't like worrying about you… What's that on your phone? You're clearly hiding it.”

“It's nothing, I'm just running a poll, I want to see what the internet would do in my circumstance.”

“Hun!…”

“I'm not going to make my decision based on what random people have to say. I'm probably not even going to post it. I mean it's a pretty cool, textbook grey choice. Survive less happy than I could have been, or risk everything to finally feel normal and free… Please don't look at me like that.”

“You sound a lot happier about one of those choices hun, and it makes me scared.”

“...Y'know I've actually been thinking about moving into Hyper city. Roommates are ok with it as long as I give them a few months to search for a new place. We could also visit each other whenever. There's still a lot of problems here, but it still feels like there's less discrimination here than back home. I even have a good idea for what I want to do here! I'm studying to become a psychiatrist and work for Dr. Erian. He could really use someone who has a positive amount of bedside manners. There's a couple other doctors there but-

“I thought the plan was for us to live together?”

“...We will, when things get better back home. At least here it's easier for us to see each other, and I don't have to pretend I can't hear people whispering I'm a freak. At least, not as much. Nothing's changed long term.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure, you don’t have to worry, everything is going to be fine. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing if I started my HRT again after tomorrow. I know I can regain my memories slowly, so there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“There is a problem! You think it’s fine if you forget everything? Look, it's great that some of your memories are back, but that doesn’t mean all of them are gonna come back. You’re being reckless again. Your life isn’t something you can keep tossing around without expecting us to hold you down. Hun, you need to stop hurting yourself.”

“...I’m not hurting myself. I’m just trying to live my life. I don’t want to upset you, but you have to realize this is the most important thing for me right now. If I mess this up, then nothing is going to go well. I understand that you’re scared, but please think about how I feel. I’d be having heart palpitations if that were still possible. This choice needs a clear head to figure out. I don’t think either of us have that.”

“Maybe. You’re going to be fine right? You won’t die from this or anything right?”

“No, I’m not going to die. The doc made sure it’s going to be safe at this point. We just have to hope he’s wrong about the side effects, and before you go saying he’s a trained endocrinologist, you haven’t met him, and I don’t even think he knows all that much. Trust me, you’d realize what I mean if you met him.”

“But he knows more than you do hun.”

“Ok, yeah, but it’s clear this is still all new to him too. He’s never been right about when any of the changes will happen or what the side effects would be. He made me sign an NDA about slipping into a three day coma. He’s clearly more afraid his medical license will be revoked than any actual permanent damage he’ll inflict."

“Aren’t you breaking that NDA right now?”

“I don’t have to listen to that. Besides, as long as the internet doesn’t hear about it, then it’s fine. It's not like you're gonna shout this conversation to the rooftops… don't actually tell anyone else, I'd rather not get in trouble again.”

“So, where are you staying anyway? You said the houses here are pretty expensive right? Do you have enough savings to find a place?”

“There's a non-profit place called T.H.E.M.S, they can find me a place to stay while I try to find a more permanent residence here. They have an on-site doctor too, so you don't have to worry even harder now.”

“Hey, you can't fault me for worrying about my girlfriend! That's good there's going to be a doctor nearby. I'm glad. Stay safe hun.”

“I will, don't worry. Now come on, less talking about depressing medical stuff, more pictures of tiny foods! Right now I want to show you the cute cupcakes this place has!

“Oh they’re shaped like little dragons!”

“It's so cute, right?”

...

Click… Post sent!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

Thanks for reading slime HRT so far. It's been so much fun for Navi to write and we hope you enjoy it. This marks about a third of what we plan to do. If you're confused about the terms Hyper city or T.H.E.M.S you can check out information about them. Pretty important since this is gonna be the location for the rest of the series. Anyway, thank you for reading. It means the world to us. bye-bye!

-Sweetheart💖

[leuke-rants]

I'm actually happy that I will abdicate my title as Empress didn't turn into just another love triangle despite the cover art looking so

I also really like that Adelaide never really looks down on Diane as a stupid lowly scum who's out to steal what is rightfully belonging to her, I'm tired with characters acting like they own everything, I've seen it with stories that are trying to change the old stereotype of "rich people are evil" but it ended up with protagonists who suddenly considered everything their birthright and taking back what is rightfully theirs. It was fun seeing them punishing enemies who are out to get them but it's not fun anymore, it's boring

Adelaide is prideful but not the kind where it's basically an insecurity that everyone is looking down on her even a maid, that fits her shitty ex, Karl more. She reprimanded Karl's uncle about it cuz she can smell that guy's shady ass and disrespect towards her a mile away, she's not the kind who would honestly cut someone's tongue cuz they said one bad thing about her, she commands respect by being a polite and respectable person

Remember she didn't lash out or slapped Diane for her impudence because she wants to be a better person, because it's basic human decency not to strike someone at the least inconvenience, considering her having been the heiress of the throne back in her home country that's like a sea away, I feel like Adelaide probably went through worse examples of disrespects and impudence before since she almost became Regnant Empress/Queen of her country after all

I don't remember much but Adelaide never really looks down at Diane, at worst she's only annoyed with her bullying antics and it's shown to be a lesson for Diane to stop attacking her when Adelaide got her kicked out of the White Palace that the Emperor's actual maid mom wanted him to give her when he's the Emperor which I think isn't meant to be about how his mom was a power hungry bitch or even hate on Mistresses, it's meant to be a tragedy cuz I'm pretty sure his mom was forced to give birth to him and she couldn't say no to his Father, the Emperor at the time, plus the woman probably had trauma and she birthed the next heir and Emperor, giving her a palace isn't an overkill, plus the Palace thing was meant to be Karl's giant ass mommy issue complex to be fair and even Diane realized such

Y'know it's funny people hate Lowborn Mistresses without considering how they were forced into it or had no other chance because they needed to survive but not when the poor misunderstood rich girl did it cuz she's also a survivor and wanted to take back what's hers

The double standards are ofc insane

People justify all kinds of insane shits when it comes to survival in this genre so much, I don't think it's about survival it's about being the most righteous one in the room

Adelaide didn't really like Diane very much when they first met, but slowly started to understand her and even sympathised with her.

Diane in return realised that Adelaide was never the one to blame for her problems, the ones who were responsible for her suffering were her family and the emperor (I might be wrong since I haven't read IWAMTAE in a long time).

Both women come to an understanding and stopped blaming eachother for their misery.

Also, I do agree with you. Slapping people (especially maids) is considered justifiable by many authors and readers even if it is unnecessary. In "Kill the Villainess", Helena reprimands Eris for slapping a maid and just tells her to fire the maid who wronged her ,and she is right. There is no need for the rich and privileged fl to abuse people of lower status, just fire them and be done with it. This is so bad that a big part of Isekai Maid's existence is to criticise those fls and mls who basically abuse their stuff and the authors/readers who justify these actions

These people are hella hypocritical. They will do mental gymnastics in order to justify the ml and fl, saying that their heinous actions are ok because they are just trying to survive, but then they'll go and hate on the villainess for doing the exact same thing.

Rashta from The Remarried Empress is a perfect example. People call her greedy, stupid, a gold-digger and a homewrecker for becoming Sovieshu's mistress, completely ignoring the fact that Rashta just wanted to survive.

These people will go far and beyond to justify Heinry's horrible crimes, saying that he didn't have a choice because he was just trying to protect his country and his wife, but the moment Rashta inconveniences the fl, suddenly she is the devil

[hadesoftheladies]

too many people view (uncritically, esp when it comes to feminism) separatism as this isolating, individualistic thing where people who don't want to participate just pack their bags and move to a far off country. that isn't what it is at all.

separatism is about re-centering the individuals of a certain community so as to strengthen the community. so that a community focuses its energy and resources on itself rather than on outsiders. it is, quite literally, about building and expanding community. it's not merely about escaping men or banning men, it is about relying on women, building a community of women, centering women, making it so that women are not dependent on men because women got them. you see how that's qualitatively different right?

like it's not so much about cutting off your father or brothers, but about spending deliberately more time fortifying your relationships with other women in your life. whether helping them out financially, donating books, giving advice, buying their stuff, giving energy.

when it comes to revolution of any kind, they die quickly without a strong sense and presence of community.

one of the biggest wrenches patriarchy has thrown into women's liberation is poisoning female community. consciousness-raising is difficult because every new generation of women is cut off from the one preceding it. younger girls are taught to resent women and view women with suspicion. they are male-centric in that they believe males will protect, love, provide for and cherish them only to have a rude awakening sooner or later.

bridging that disconnect is going to take practicing varying degrees of separatism. for sharing of knowledge between women and girls is hampered by male presence. you've all seen this happen. when a man or boy enters the picture, conversation between women is crippled. we start censoring ourselves.

censorship is a huge issue feminists face at every turn, and it's worse because we experience this censorship not just via government or public forums where men are in charge, but in our interpersonal relationships. and not just in our interpersonal relationships, but by our own selves. only female community brings out the honesty in us and gives us the courage to speak out and think freely. we all know this.

separatism is not only imperative to women's health, it is imperative to consciousness raising. it's not about living in a male free utopia but about centering women in all things so that women's community is strengthened and prepared to take on their oppressors and patriarchal society (and so that it survives retaliations). girls don't need to be totally isolated from males. they need to have predominantly female (not feminine) influence in their lives. they need to be in a place where they do not depend on males or cater to them. they need to be female-centric. learning female-philosophy and perpetuating authentic female culture.

that's separatism.

and the good news is that feminists are not the first oppressed group to employ separatism. black liberation movements employ this as well and are strengthened when they do. it's how they won some of their most vicious battles. lgb communities also utilize(d) separatism and it strengthened their communities. they had to de-center the narratives of their oppressors and rely on each other instead of begging their oppressors for scraps. they won because they gave themselves to each other as a community.

separatism works. over and over again. liberation takes time, but it has always needed separatism.

i just keep thinking about how communities can disrupt and change society, y'know? like how even in the throes of capitalistic/imperialist/white supremacist greed, small communities find a way to take care of each other financially and physically. culture predates economy, even while economy can beget culture or poison it. i love how small communities can just say "fuck you" to the presiding ruler and create within themselves micro-economies to keep each other alive. economy is just, after all, a social agreement/condition.

women are the ones who will liberate women. keep investing in that and it'll pay off.

[darkcloudsatnight]

ACE OF BASE MY LOVE YOU'VE GIVEN ME A STROKE OF GENIUS

Anyways enjoy reading this sh bc of the 7th comic releasing, my love for helmet party, and Ace Of Base's "Don't Turn Around".

Don't Turn Around

Song by: Ace Of Base

Ship: Helmet Party

Category: Angst

[Intro

Spoken:

(I will survive without you)^

(Don't tell me that you wanna leave)

(Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh

Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh) ]

^Dell looking into a mirror, repeating that sentence like a mantra. It's all he can do now....

Verse 1:

If you wanna leave

I won't beg you to stay

And if you gotta go, darlin'

Maybe it's better that way

Seeing Soldier with that unfamiliar lady was a little shocking to Dell, especially when there was something like a ring around her finger, even if it was just a grenade pin. He started to recall those little moments him and Soldier used to share before all this robot war nonsense went down. Before they were fired. Before Dell was called in to be Helen's personal Healthcare system. He saw how close that Soldier was to this woman, and he felt his heart clench with something like envy and heartbreak... but he knew he couldn't hold onto it. They were bound to drift apart anyways. It was better this way if he let Soldier go live his own life....

Bridge:

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine

Don't worry about this heart of mine

(Walk out that door, see if I care)

(Go on and go, but)

Dell knows that Soldier remembers what they had, but Dell knows now that Soldier has something better... something more acceptable. He tells him, "Don't worry 'bout me... go on 'n live yer life with yer new fiancé... I'll show up to the weddin' if I can but... y'know, work stuff... heh..."

He never showed up to the wedding, much to Soldier’s disappointment.

Chorus:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

But I won't let you know

I won't let you know

Dell is pushing Soldier away. He feels his heartstrings being torn at rather than plucked carefully, like how he played his guitar on late nights by a campfire for... Jane... but Dell can never tell him what he's sacrificing. Dell can never tell him about his remaining feelings that he's forced to release and forget about. Dell can never show Soldier how much this is hurting him. Dell can never show anything to him anymore. He can only push what they had farther into the pit of despair that was torn open inside of him. Inside of his heart.

Verse 2:

I won't miss your arms around me

Holding me tight

(Holding me tight)

And if you ever think about me

Just know that I'll be alright

(I'll be alright)

Dell is reassuring Soldier (and himself) that he's going to be okay with some alone time after all this happened. In private, away from prying eyes, he's reassuring Soldier he'll be fine without a relationship for a little. Solitude will allow him to clear his head from more than one problem... He tells Soldier to only remember him as a close friend... and to always assume that wherever he is... he's doing alright. He's doing fine. Just like he always says...

Bridge:

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine

Don't worry about this heart of mine

(I will survive, I'll make it through)

(I'll even learn to live without you)

Dell again reassures Soldier he's okay over and over. He's a strong southern man after all... and southern men don't cry... at least not in front of people... but he never mentioned that last part...

He's telling himself he needs to learn how to live without Jane in his life... he can do it... he's lived this far getting through past relationships... how different was this one?...

Very different, Dell realized much too late.

Chorus:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

But I won't let you know

Dell is telling Soldier to never look back at what they had again. Telling him to only look forward at his future... he had a beautiful wife to look forward to... he had possible children in his future... a successful family... he shouldn't look back at the sobbing and pathetic Dell on the ground, flattened by his own boot like an ant. That's all Dell's feelings were, after all. Just another ant in the anthill of emotions, always being crushed by the boot of reality, until its nothing but a small smudge in the middle of the sidewalk of life.

Post-Chorus:

I wish I could scream out loud

That I love you

I wish I could say to you

Don't go

(As he walks away, he feels the pain getting strong)

(People in your life, they don't know what's going on)

(Too proud to turn around)

(He's gone)

As much as Dell wants to empty his heart and lungs out to Jane, tell him that Dell's loved him and has never forgot about him, no matter how long it's been, he knows he can't. He wants to so bad... but it's already too late. Soldier's gone. Getting married to a woman he truly loves... forever. And no one knew. Absolutely no one knew the tension going on between them. No one knew about that little red string between them was forcefully cut off... and Jane tries to truly belive that Dell doesn't need him anymore... no matter how much he needs Dell....

[Ending+Fadeout:

Don't turn around

'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around

I don't want you seeing me cry

Just walk away

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

Baby, don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Just walk away

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

I'm letting you go

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Don't turn around

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)]

At this point... Dell's only talking to himself. Telling him to never look back at what he used to have... he's letting Jane go... doing what was right... and leaving himself in the dust... he's sacrificing his love because of its existence... and all that's left is his back in the distance as he walks away from what could have been...

(Song under cut)

[squarebracketsmileyface]

How does Tyler and his little homophobic self feel about Tim in a relationship with men? Both before Jay was Lark and with Brian.

"his little homophobic self" lmao I love that

The answer is probably "Not Good" tho lol

No yeah especially in the early days he's UPSET about it, he hates it, it's wrong and it's bad and it makes him uncomfortable.

Tim has been in a couple relationships between uni and Jay I think, and at least one of them was ended by Tyler fronting while Tim's partner was around and him being shitty to try and get rid of this guy in his house sitting on the couch with his arm around Tim's waist. He knows how to make people hate Tim and he can and will use that knowledge, especially when he thinks it's the right thing to do, like to make sure they're not being gay, because that's gross.

This got long. Also there's one very brief and non explicit mention of kink (Tyler isn't involved in that directly, he just fronts afterwards because his whole thing is protecting Tim) so the rest is understandable the thingy bobber

To begin with with Jay? Honestly don't let Tyler near him. He already doesn't really trust Jay, already is kinda off about him, but like... There's A Situation, (Tim getting his boundaries pushed when it comes to kink and that unsurprisingly freaking him out really fucking bad) and Tyler isn't fronting for it, but I do think he would front AFTER it. Like, okay so while it's happening? That's Tim. Then there's like a solid 10-15 minutes right after, when Tim's already told Jay he needs some space to calm the fuck down so he doesn't do anything stupid and locks himself in the bathroom. That's like, they're blurry/blendy as fuck, no one can figure out who the hell should be dealing with this situation (also there's a new split but they don't know that so it's whatever). And then eventually Tyler fronts once they've calmed down a bit.

And, y'know, he's angry. He's really really angry. He's angry with Jay, he's angry with Tim, as well as feeling kinda vindicated? Because HE TOLD TIM. He made his stance on the whole thing clear. Jay was bad, being gay with Jay was bad, and now he's been proven right.

"canon" Sorry, It's Locked? Tyler's anger seeps through to Tim and mixes with his own when he fronts again. Tim is very much angry about it himself, as he should be, though he does get why Jay's like that, at least partly, whereas Tyler's just angry angry angry because Jay is evil evil evil. Anyway their combined anger causes Tim and Jay to go to Benedict Hall separately and then obviously Jay dies and it's a whole thing. Tim feels guilty as FUCK, but Tyler actually does too.

Not exactly the same way as Tim or as much as Tim, but he never wanted to kill anyone. He never wanted Jay to die, he just wanted him to stop making Tim fuck their life up.

Then I think by the time Brian comes back into their lives ten years later Tyler's definitely better about his lil homophobia thing. He's not perfect, he still wrinkles his nose when he sees gay people in TV shows and stuff like that. But he knows Brian, he likes Brian, Brian's his friend, so as long as Brian isn't gay with him he can be okay with him being gay with Tim, y'know? (Thinking about Tyler pulling a "I don't care what you do in privacy but no kissing in front of the children!! Aka ME!" is very funny to me)

Now in PGPau? Definitely different. Jay survives getting shot and he and Tim just kinda carry on. Alex is out of the way, Brian is Gone, Tim and Jay move away as soon as they can after Birdie's born. I think a lot of Tyler's acceptance of Jay in their life would be very closely linked to Tyler's love for Birdie. I've talked about it before (here) but after MH Tyler (and Sainty honestly but mostly Tyler) can't trust that their safe and constantly tries to run away to somewhere he feels safe when he fronts, and y'know, he fronts with Birdie in his arms like, pretty much straight away, and is like "oh, a baby, my baby, my baby sister. Gotta protect her too" so she starts coming with him and eventually he stops running away and stays at home with her blah blah.

Anyway, in PGPau it doesn't take long at all for Tyler front without Birdie in his arms and to panic trying to find her, only to find her in Jay's arms. And of course the first thing he does is take her from him because Absolutely Not she's his baby sister and he has to protect her and Jay is Not Safe. And y'know, that'd happen a few times, but eventually Tyler would probably kinda realise that Jay's looking after her.

"Oh, Jay's feeding her right now."

Or "Oh, Jay's changing her nappy."

Or "Oh, Jay's playing with her and she's giggling and happy."

And very slowly Tyler just kinda comes to trust Jay more and more because they both love Birdie very much, and if Jay's looking after Birdie then Tyler can at least not be actively hostile towards him, y'know?

He's definitely still like, his little homophobic self, very much doesn't like that Jay is Tim's boyfriend still, and extra doesn't like finding out Jay is Birdie's dad, because it makes him feel like Tim HAS to be Birdie's mum in that case, because Birdie absolutely cannot have two dads, that's awful she can't grow up like that. But, y'know, Tyler would HATE the idea of Tim being a mum because they're a man, Tim's a man. So he has to try and fit together "Birdie can't have two dad's," and "Tim CANNOT be 'mum'," and that kinda makes him think about it properly a little bit. I think he'd conclude that thinking of themself as a woman feels worse than letting Jay be Birdie's other dad.

It's such a mess with them being trans, and honestly I think Tyler's whole THING would probably extend to transness too, but specifically towards other people. He's wrapped his head around it for themself. It's okay for THEM because Tyler is a boy, and Tim is a boy and they're important so of course they're allowed to be trans as long as no one ever knows. I'm literally thinking about it like those pro-lifers who can justify having an abortion themselves because of their situation, but the next week are back in the line yelling at other people for it.

Oof now I'm thinking about how that'd interact with Lark coming to terms with her transness and transitioning. Maybe it wouldn't do too much because that is like 6-7 years after MH ends, so maybe at that point Tyler's been therapied a bit and is more accepting of his (their) own queerness as well as other people's? Could be fun to have him just be like "why the hell would you wanna be a girl? Being a girl SUCKED" but eh

Lmao Tyler if Lark came out way earlier "well that's wrong.... But at least it means Tim isn't gay anymore" 💀💀

[creamco]

—inferiority complex in queer relationshipsᝰ.ᐟ

let’s talk about inferiority complex in lgbtqia+ relationships; i struggled and am still struggling about this so i felt like i needed to, y'know... self-awareness i guess?

like, we all know relationships can be messy, complicated, and full of overthinking. but when you add the whole society constantly judging your existence factor, things get even messier. feeling "not enough" in a relationship is already a tiring thing, but for queer people? yeah, it fucks different.

first, let’s get the basics down. inferiority complex is basically when someone constantly feels like they’re less than others— less attractive, less lovable, less worthy, less smart, basically less. alfred adler, a psych dude from the early 1900s, came up with the term, and it’s still super relevant.

now, combine that with lgbtqia+ struggles (internalized homophobia, heteronormativity, body image issues, societal rejection, etc.) which even you are confused about what you are sometimes and boom. you’ve got a perfect recipe for self-doubt and unhealthy relationship dynamics. viola!

why does this matter? well, relationships should be a safe space, not a battleground for self-worth. but for queer people, there’s often an extra layer of insecurity that comes from growing up in a world that tells them they’re less than everything "normal". this entry is gonna dive deep into why that happens, how it shows up in relationships, and what we can actually do about it.

we’ll be looking at the psychological roots of inferiority complex, the external pressures that make it worse, and the ways it messes with lgbtqia+ relationships— whether it’s one partner feeling "not good enough" or both struggling with their own self-worth. also, spoiler: it’s not just about self-esteem. it’s about power imbalances, jealousy, validation-seeking, and how society shapes the way we see ourselves and our partners.

so yeah, let’s get into it. because queer love deserves better than this cycle of self-doubt. i deserve it.

╭┉┈ psychological foundations

alright, time to get into the nerdy stuff. (that one purple-gray sonic being freaky type nerdy)

inferiority complex is basically when someone constantly feels like they’re not good enough, no matter what they do.

and surprise, surprise— this happens a lot in queer relationships because of all the external and internalized bullshit queer people deal with. let’s break it down.

alfred adler’s inferiority complex theory (why we feel like shit sometimes)

so, alfred adler (big psychology guy from the early 1900s) came up with the whole inferiority complex idea. he said that as humans, we’re all born with some level of insecurity because we start off as weak little babies who need to figure out how to survive. over time, we try to overcome these insecurities by proving ourselves— through achievements, relationships, or whatever makes us feel valid. sounds normal, right?

except, when someone constantly feels like they’re failing or being compared to others, that insecurity turns into an inferiority complex— you can call it a deep-rooted belief that they’re never not good enough. this can make people either shut down (avoid relationships, isolate, or self-sabotage) or overcompensate (act super confident but secretly hate themselves). and if this sounds familiar, yeah, a LOT of queer people deal with this, thanks to a lifetime of being told they’re "less than" by society.

self-esteem, social comparison, and why we always feel like we don’t measure up:

low self-esteem and inferiority complex go hand in hand. and in the lgbtqia+ community, self-esteem is often shaped by:

- how accepted (or rejected) someone was growing up

- representation in media (do i have to explain? it’s usually unrealistic or toxic or heteronormative IF IT IS SHOWN AS ACCEPTED. i don't want to get into the homophobia in media.)

- dating culture and queer beauty standards (which can be brutal and really depressing, now don't start with everyone is beautiful, some of you guys DISCRIMINATE BY LOOKS)

- comparing themselves to straight/cis relationships (which society calls "normal" lmao what does even "normal" mean?)

- comparing themselves to pasts of their love interest (i can't even bring myself to talk about this)

this constant comparison can make someone feel like they’re failing at being queer enough or attractive enough or successful enough which all play into inferiority complex in relationships.

minority stress & internalized oppression (why society fucks us over)

there’s also this fun little concept called minority stress, which basically means that just existing as a different person adds extra emotional weight to your life. lgbtqia+ people deal with:

- discrimination (subtle or straight-up aggressive)

- fear of rejection (by family, friends, partners, society, etc.)

- internalized homophobia/transphobia (believing the negative things people say about them)

- constantly having to *prove* they’re valid

- thinking your love interest's past lover/interest was less "less" than you or your love interest feeled them more

this constant stress creates a cycle where people start believing they’re not worthy of love, success, or happiness. and if they do find a relationship, they might overthink everything, self-sabotage, or settle for less than they deserve because they don’t think they can do better.

so yeah, inferiority complex in queer relationships isn’t just about personal insecurities— it’s built on years of societal messages that make people doubt & hate themselves. and that’s exactly why we need to talk about it.

╭┉┈ causes of inferiority complex in lgbtqia+ relationships

okay, so we know what inferiority complex is and how it connects to lgbtqia+ experiences. but why does it happen so much in queer relationships? well, a mix of internal struggles, societal expectations, and past trauma all play a role. let’s break it down.

internalized homophobia/transphobia: when society’s bullshit becomes your inner voice

growing up in a world that constantly tells you there’s something wrong with you? yeah, that sticks. internalized homophobia/transphobia is when queer people start believing the negative things said about them. even if they fully support lgbtqia+ rights, deep down, they might still feel like they’re less than, unloveable or undeserving of love.

in relationships, this can show up as:

- believing they’re not "worthy" of a happy, healthy relationship

- thinking they have to "prove" their queerness or masculinity/femininity/nonbinarity/etc.

- feeling like they’re never good enough for their partner

- pushing their partner away out of fear of rejection

basically, it’s like carrying around an invisible weight of self-doubt, and it makes relationships way harder than they need to be.

heteronormative pressures: feeling like you’re doing relationships ‘wrong’

heteronormativity is the idea that straight, cisgender relationships are the default and everything else is weird or lesser. even if you’re fully out and proud, these expectations can still mess with your mindset.

this can look like:

- wondering if your relationship is "valid" because it doesn’t look like the traditional model

- feeling pressure to fit into the generally unrealistic "masc/fem" dynamic in same-gender relationships

- struggling with public displays of affection because of fear or discomfort

- thinking your relationship is "less serious" because society doesn’t treat it the same way

all of this builds up and makes people feel insecure, like they’re failing at relationships just because they don’t fit into the mold society expects.

social marginalization: being excluded, erased, or treated like a ‘phase’

another big reason inferiority complex shows up in queer relationships? society loves to ignore, fetishize, or straight-up erase lgbtqia+ love.

- bi & pan & similar people get told they’re "just confused" or "going through a phase"

- ace & aro people are treated like they’re broken

- trans & nonbinary people face constant invalidation about their gender and relationships

- queer relationships are often left out of family conversations, media, and even legal protections

when you constantly have to fight to be seen and taken seriously, it’s easy to start questioning your own worth in a relationship.

body image & gender expectations: the queer beauty standards struggle

yeah, body image issues affect everyone, but the lgbtqia+ community has its own set of impossible beauty standards.

- in gay & lesbian spaces, there’s often pressure to be super fit, masc/fem, or "high-value" (i have no words)

- trans people deal with dysphoria, passing expectations, and unrealistic beauty ideals (while some trans people look "ugly" post-transition or for pre-transition phase "doesn't look like trans enough for a person who wants to be a *gender")

- even within the community, certain body types & gender presentations are favored over others (i hate, yes i hate all of you. having preferations and favoring is different, search it up.)

when people don’t feel like they fit into these standards, it can seriously mess with their confidence in relationships. like, why would my partner want me if I don’t look like the "ideal" queer person? this causes people feeling less than other people in community.

comparison & the ex-factor: needing to be "better" (i wrote this a bit longer than others because i experienced this)

okay, let’s be real— comparing yourself to your partner’s ex or past crushes is already bad enough. but for people dealing with an inferiority complex, +being queer, it doesn’t stop at just feeling less than— it turns into a full-on need to prove superiority.

like, it’s not just "what if they were better?" it’s "i have to prove MYSELF that i’m better than them in every possible way."

this can turn into:

- constantly searching for things you have that the ex didn’t (better looks, better personality, more interesting life, whatever helps your brain cope) this sometimes includes making your partner talk about their ex to get yourself assured, no matter if your partner wants or not.

- lowkey feeling like you’re competing against a ghost—someone who isn’t even in your partner’s life anymore, but still exists in your mind as an "enemy"

- stalking that ex/exes over and over, finding similarities between you & ex while comparing yourself to the ex

- violating your partner's privacy by going through their phone/messages/photos and convincing yourself that your partner felt/feels them more. (felt as in felt emotion and/or physical pleasure)

- needing your partner to verbally confirm that you’re better— like fishing for reassurance or trying to get them to rank you above their ex

- feeling weirdly defensive if your partner ever says something neutral or positive about their past relationships (even if it has nothing to do with you nor that spesific ex/exes)

- going out of your way to *be the best partner ever*. not just because you want to, but because you feel like you need to outdo whoever came before you

this mindset usually comes from a mix of insecurity + fear of being replaceable. if you already struggle with feeling "not enough," the idea that your partner used to love someone else can feel like a direct attack on your worth. even if they’ve moved on, your brain is like,

- but were they happier with them?

- did they love them more?

- am i just the second choice?

- am i a replacement?

- did partner love ex more?

- does partner think of ex when they are near me?

- what about intimacy? does partner think of ex while we are having intimacy?

- was ex better than me at sex?

- were ex more attractive? sexy? do i even look sexy? am i pretty enough for partner, better than ex?

- am i even good at sex? do i turn partner on?

- am i even worth dating let alone having sex?

goes on and on and on and on. (these are actual questions i wrote on my diary when i was having trouble about my gf's ex.)

but here’s the thing: love isn’t a competition. your partner didn’t pick you because you’re "better" than someone else— they picked you because you’re you. trying to "win" against someone from the past isn’t just exhausting— it also stops you from actually enjoying the relationship you have now.

economic & social disparities: financial struggles = self-worth struggles

money problems can trigger inferiority complex too, and lgbtqia+ people are more likely to face financial struggles because of:

- workplace discrimination

- mobbing

- lack of family support

- fewer job opportunities in certain industries

in relationships, financial insecurity can make someone feel like they’re not "bringing enough to the table," which can lead to power imbalances and self-doubt. i have literally zero experiences about this and i couldn't find anything online, so i am sorry about lack of information and examples.

past trauma & rejection: emotional baggage that doesn’t just disappear

whether it’s family rejection, a toxic ex, bullying or any other kind of trauma, past experiences stick with people. hair hold memories kinda shit, but in this case it's your brain. if someone has been told that they’re unlovable or not good enough, they might carry that fear into their current relationship. this can lead to:

- overcompensating (constantly trying to "earn" love)

- self-sabotage (pushing people away before they can leave or the behavioural things caused by inferiority complex ruinin your relationship)

- trust issues (assuming their partner will eventually hurt them)

so yeah, inferiority complex in queer relationships isn’t just a random thing— it’s built on years of external and internal struggles. and if people don’t recognize it, it can seriously mess up their relationships.

╭┉┈ how inferiority complex shows up in lgbtqia+ relationships

so we’ve talked about why queer people struggle with inferiority complex in relationships, but how does it actually happen irl? like, what does it look like when someone’s self-doubt starts creeping into their love life? it’s not just overthinking and feeling insecure— it can shape the entire dynamic of a relationship.

1) comparison obsession: the ex, the crush, the imaginary competition

we already touched on this, this is one of the biggest ways inferiority complex messes with relationships. it’s not just a casual "oh, i wonder what their ex was like," it’s a full-blown mentality of jealousy and hatred in a 'non-jealous + no-hate' way.

and then, of course, comes the need to be "superior." suddenly, it’s not just about existing in the relationship, it’s about winning. you start analyzing everything, trying to prove yourself that you’re better, prettier, sexier, more loveable than the ex. maybe you start manipulating, maybe you get defensive anytime their past is mentioned, maybe you just sit there in a mental cage-match versus a person who doesn’t even know you exist.

it's exhausting.

the worst part? this mindset turns the relationship into a self-competition instead of a mutual connection. the focus shifts from enjoying the love you have to trying to prove your worth to yourself— like you have to have an assurance. and that’s just sad, because if they’re with you, they chose you.

2) validation addiction: needing constant reassurance

inferiority complex can make someone crave validation like it’s a survival necessity. not just casual complimentary— constant proof that they’re loved, desired, and valued. this can look like:

- asking their partner to rank them compared to their ex/crushes

- needing frequent "i love you"s just to feel secure

- getting anxious if their partner doesn’t compliment them enough

- reading way too much into neutral comments (like, "what do you mean my hair looks ‘different’ today? different in a good way or a bad way?!")

- even in a slight inconvenience, thinking that their partner doesn't love them like partner loved ex.

this isn’t just about wanting affection— it’s about needing external proof of self-worth because they don’t fully believe it themselves.

3) fear of abandonment & self-sabotage

when someone deep down believes they’re not enough, they start expecting their partner to leave. sometimes, this turns into toxic clinginess— constantly checking in, overcompensating, never wanting to be apart:

- prohibiting their parner from doing basic daily activities (meeting friends, having alone time, constantly sending too much tiktoks/reels about love, overreacting to everything, etc.)

- when partner chooses something above them (like going to school, doing homeworks first, showering, etc) being uncomfortable that they are the second choice

- getting jealous over everyone including family members

- being obsessed about winning the "i love you more" competition

other times, it leads to self-sabotage:

- picking fights over small things just to test if their partner will stay

- distancing themselves so they don’t get too attached

- assuming every small issue means the relationship is doomed

- shutting down emotionally because "they’re going to leave anyway, so why try?" or "if i tell them this, they will get bored and leave."

it’s like the brain is trying to protect itself from heartbreak by causing problems before they even exist.

4) power imbalances: feeling like the ‘lesser’ partner (dangerous one)

inferiority complex can make someone feel like they have to earn their place in a relationship. like, instead of seeing themselves as an equal, they feel like they have to "keep up" with their partner— whether that’s in looks, intelligence, success or even just personality.

this can lead to:

- feeling like they’re "lucky" to be with their partner, instead of believing they deserve love

- putting up with toxic behavior because they think they can’t do better than the current partner

- never expressing their needs because they don’t want to "cause problems"

- agreeing with everything their partner says just to avoid conflict

- quitting things because partner already does is better and why would they bother ("my partner is so handsome even without a mustache, so why would i grow my mustache out? i'd look ugly even if i had a mustache.")

over time, this turns the relationship into a one-sided dynamic where one person is constantly trying to prove their worth while the other just… exists. and that’s not fair to both of the people.

5) imposter syndrome in queer relationships: ‘do i even deserve this?’

for lgbtqia+ people, there’s an extra layer of relationship imposter syndrome— especially if they’ve been told their whole life that queer love is "less real" or "less serious" than hetero relationships. even in a happy, healthy relationship, there’s sometimes this nagging thought of:

- am i actually good at this, or is my partner just settling?

- do we actually have something real, or am i just fooling myself?

- if society doesn’t see our love as valid, is it even real?

this kind of thinking isn’t just annoying— it can make people hold back from fully embracing their identity, yet relationships. like they’re waiting for something to go wrong because deep down, they don’t think they deserve happiness which is caused by society's disapproval.

6) so what’s next?

okay, so we’ve established that inferiority complex can absolutely wreck a relationship if left unchecked. but the good news? it’s not permanent. in the next section, we’re gonna talk about how people can actually break this cycle, build confidence, and have relationships that aren’t driven by insecurity and comparison. queer love deserves better than this self-doubt spiral.

╭┉┈ breaking the cycle: overcoming inferiority complex in lgbtqia+ relationships

so, we’ve talked about how inferiority complex shows up, why it happens, and how it can lowkey ruin relationships. but here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to be like this. nobody is doomed to feel like they’re not enough forever. breaking the cycle takes work, but it’s 100% possible. let’s get into it.

stop the ex-obsession: shifting the mindset from ‘better’ to ‘different’

okay, let’s address the biggest energy drain first: the ex-comparison spiral. it’s time to stop thinking in terms of better vs. worse and start thinking in terms of different.

- instead of "was their ex better than me?" → try "their past relationships were different, but they’re with me now for a reason."

- instead of "do they still have feelings for their ex?" → try "if they wanted to be with them, they would be. but they’re here, with me."

- instead of "i have to prove i’m superior" → try "i don’t need to compete with someone who isn’t even in the picture anymore."

relationships aren’t math equations. there’s no ranking system where one person wins and the other loses. different people bring different things to a relationship, and just because someone was loved before doesn’t mean you’re any less important now.

also, be fucking for real— sitting around mentally wrestling an ex you’ve never even met? a waste of energy. your relationship is happening now, and that’s what matters.

breaking the validation addiction

if you constantly need your partner to reassure you that you’re enough, the real issue isn’t them— it’s you not believing it yourself. external validation is nice, but if you rely on it to feel secure, it’s never gonna be enough.

- recognize when you’re fishing for reassurance. before asking "do you really love me?" for the 10th time that day, ask yourself— am i asking this because i actually need to hear it, or because my brain is spiraling?

- practice self-affirmation. sounds cheesy, but telling yourself "i am enough, i am valuable, i am worthy of love" (yes, out loud) actually rewires your brain over time.

- sit with discomfort instead of reacting. when the insecurity kicks in, instead of immediately reaching for validation, try to just feel it. let it pass. remind yourself that your feelings don’t define reality.

your partner’s love is a beautiful thing, but it shouldn’t be your only source of self-worth.

unpacking past trauma & internalized beliefs

a lot of inferiority complex issues aren’t even about the relationship itself— they’re about deep-rooted self-worth struggles. maybe you grew up in a homophobic environment, maybe you had an ex who treated you like you weren’t enough, maybe you were bullied. whatever it is, those experiences don’t just disappear— they shape how you see yourself now.

- therapy. im not shitting with you, for real. if you have access to it, therapy is a game-changer for unpacking self-worth issues. a professional can help you reframe your thinking and break toxic patterns.

- journaling. write down the thoughts that come up when you’re feeling insecure. where do they come from? are they actually true, or just old fears resurfacing?

- self-compassion. seriously, *be nice to yourself.* imagine if a friend came to you with the same insecurities— would you tell them they’re not enough? no? then don’t do it to yourself either.

stop making your partner the ‘judge’ of your worth

this is a big one: your partner is not the person who decides if you are worthy of love. you already are, no matter what. the goal of a relationship isn’t to prove you’re enough— it’s to share love, support, and experiences *as equals.*

- you don’t have to earn your partner’s love. they chose you, and that’s enough.

- their past relationships don’t change your value.

- being in a relationship doesn’t make you worthy— you already were, even before this relationship existed.

once you start believing this, relationships stop feeling like tests you have to pass and start feeling like what they’re actually supposed to be: partnerships.

building confidence outside of the relationship

self-worth shouldn’t only come from your love life. having a strong sense of identity and confidence outside of your relationship makes you feel more secure in it.

- find passions that make you feel good about yourself. creative projects, fitness, learning something new—whatever makes you feel accomplished.

- surround yourself with supportive people. friendships, chosen family, online communities— having other sources of love and validation helps take the pressure off your relationship.

- celebrate your wins. every time you challenge a negative thought or feel secure without needing external validation, that’s growth.

╭┉┈ final thoughts: queer love deserves better than insecurity

inferiority complex can make love feel like a competition, like you have to constantly prove yourself. but real love isn’t about proving anything. it’s about connection, trust, and showing up as your full, authentic self.

so yeah, breaking the cycle takes time. some days will be harder than others. but learning to let go of comparisons, validate yourself, and embrace your own worth? that’s how you create relationships that feel good.

and every queer person —every person in general deserves that.

you are valid, you are loveable, you deserve to be loved, you are sexy, you are handsome, you look beautiful, you are gorgeous.

you are fucking queer. embrace that.

[pictures are from pinterest, some about the entry some just funny to me + purple/gray sonic freaky meme]

[thekamukuraproject]

I am very obsessed with Izuru but I have only recently grown okay with Izuru and Hajime as the same person but only in a particular way...

Because I hate when Hajime and Izuru are seen as the same and completely interchangeable. I often see people frame it like Hajime is just acting weird or that Izuru is just like a parasite in his brain and he's cured post sim and I've always despised that. It makes it sound like nothing mattered. Like all that heavy brain alteration did nothing because of a virtual reality. Y'know, despite the brain being so unbelievably sensitive to manual changes that neurosurgeons have to keep a patient awake during the procedure to ensure they don't accidentally fuck everything up immensely.

And the stuff about Hajime being "suppressed" irks me.. Like he's there trying to get out or his consciousness is asleep. It sounds like brainwashing. And that's just not how that works. It's not what happened. Hajime underwent surgery and they slowly snipped away his neural connections to his memories, reactions, and other behaviors. That does sound extremely sifi and silly but it's possible!.. Partly. MRI's can see what areas in the brain light up and respond to certain associations and those areas can be severed. It's not perfect but it can do a lot of the heavy lifting when the scientists at Hope’s Peak want as much of Hajime gone as possible.

Hajime is not Izuru. That makes it sound like Hajime, who remembers everything that has ever happened to him and who remembers the people in his life and the things he cared about, it makes it sound like he's still there. He isn't. He's a changed irrepairable person. It is more accurate to say Izuru is Hajime, which admittedly sounds exactly the same with just the names switched but it is FAR better to interpret it as I think.

Izuru is Hajime because Hajime is just the face and body and later on the residual memories that the sim was able to piece back together (note that the pieces with those neural connections weren't removed. It wasn't really a lobotomy. Nothing was removed. So the simulation, assuming it took subconscious memories and brought them more closely to the "surface" of the subconscious to fix the brainwashing. Hajime's neurons could, theoretically, still be kicking and working in there to make a neural map I guess) Izuru is Hajime because he was made to be a husk filled with only Talent and other natural human bits a brain needs to survive, and by the end of the Kamukura Project, Izuru is only Hajime by name. A name that Izuru doesn't remember or need because it's for a boy who let himself die in the desperate attempt to feel important and worth something to himself. And so the name is gone too soon enough.

But if Izuru is a Hajime who was forced to forget his name, family, friends, and just everything that he cared for in his life...Why would he so easily gain everything about himself back after a really intense simulation? I can understand parts of what was Hajime very gradually returning because that is something the brain can do. Like if you get tetanus you'll become paralyzed and the only way to *not* be paralyzed anymore is for you to either not have had tetanus or for your brain to grow around the blockages and create new connections so your brain can communicate with the rest of your nervous system but this process takes months or sometimes even years to recover from. Something like brain surgery is going to have long last effects regardless of the simulation.

If Hajime did regain his thoughts and opinions and memories, wouldn't he be so irreparably changed? The fact he had brain surgery preformed on him cannot be denied. There are canon images detailing it. Izuru can try to regain their identity back but so much is irrepairable it'd probably hurt far less to just make a new identity... Or honor the identity that was abandoned when Hajime's life was nearly eradicated.

For those who have ever read Piranesi. It would be so so similar to that ending with Matthew Rose Sorenson. At the end he states he is neither the original nor Piranesi but a third secret thing because of his experiences in The House and his memories from reality and he does sound a little bit like the Piranesi who is masking his understanding of life in the House and I cannot imagine the post sim hajizuru slurry that is poured out into the real world would behave any differently...

Izuru takes the name Hajime to honor the one who he used to be and because everyone around Izuru knows him as Hajime but he masks that burden of talent that Izuru has been plagued with since their birth and I think it's kinda really encapsulated in dr3's hope arc. He shows up to save Makoto and the remaining survivors and is completely calm and serene about it really. its so alien and different from the freaked out Hajime from the simulation. To me it's always felt like Hajime post sim is just the Izuru who took up the belief to look towards the future and not dwell in the past because that is how you heal and Hajime never learned that but Izuru did.